#exclusion

[thedragonscratch]

This is gonna be a long one but I feel safe and comfortable enough now to journal out my feelings.

The biggest thing to know about me is I’ve gone through so much of my life shut out and excluded that it’s become a permanent trigger. I wasn’t allowed to go to friends birthdays or hang out on weekends, my siblings all found something to do together while I was forgotten about, and a lot of the time family would get up in mid conversations and ignore me during social gatherings. These were just the small things that as a kid I didn’t know would cascade into a bigger issue. The feeling of exclusion has been a heavy weight on me and caused irreparable damage to my mental health in ways I can’t really describe.

Now I’ve been coming to terms about my self worth for a while now and realized I was falling into a bad place. When I started college I was starting my life over from scratch. Everyone I was close to (save my ex) had all moved and drifted away which left me alone. I clung onto an unhealthy relationship for years knowing it shouldn’t have lasted as long as it did but I was to scared of being completely alone. Attempts at making friends on campus were fleeting and wasn’t in anyone’s friend group to be invited to anything. Even attempted to reconnect with some old online friends to try and get some sort of social life back.

For a while things were ok but over time that same nauseating feeling of being left out hit me like a bird against glass. Reigniting my instinct to people please in order to stay good, putting back on a mask to feel like I was of worth and belonged somewhere. But over time the heavy realization set in again that I was still a shadow amongst candles. Everything became one sided, always the one reaching out but never really a thought in others minds, constantly avoiding stepping on toes and bottled up any little thing so to not lose what friendship I had left, keeping a list of what I could and could not say, avoided talking about my interests (as an autistic person that hurt a lot), and overall just became a shell. After all I had no one outside the internet to talk to, I was desperate to keep clinging on to some semblance of a normal life.

Over the last year I’ve began to realize that I was spiraling down again. And it truly did hit me that I was losing myself and becoming a projection of what others wanted me to be. So I stopped. I stopped being the first to reach out and found who actually enjoys my company, I stopped hiding and censoring myself on my own socials and it’s been freeing to share and talk about my interests again, I won’t hide my feelings anymore and I won’t be controlled. I was tired of not having a voice.

Stepping away is never easy but staying trapped into an unhealthy mindset is worse. I’ve learned that the hard way. Now I’m on the recovery, learning to make connections the right way and in turn have found people who truly value me as I value them. I don’t feel left out or alone as much and I know the road to healing is still going to be a long one. After all lifelong trauma doesn’t go away overnight. But it does feel good knowing I wasn’t the only one feeling that way and know I will always have someone to talk to. And it feels good to meet new offline faces that are open to dialogue and connecting. It made me realize I was trapped in toxicity, caught in a cycle that was in fact killing me. It’s helped pull me out of the sludge I was sinking into and I hope I’m also that hand that helps pull others out too.

[writing2changetheworld]

The Rollettes are in a Lady Gaga music video! This is huge! This is amazing!

[avoidantrecovery]

“A third way to react is self-isolation is where you prevent yourself from any further opportunity to be ostracized, by being by yourself, by being alone, by not allowing the possibility for rejection, exclusion, ostracism. This also allows the person to regain some of the needs that have been threatened [by ostracism]: it gives them control, you can't fire me, I quit. You end up taking control of a situation and preventing ostracism by not allowing it to even happen in the first place.

We know that some people become what we call rejection-sensitive. They experience rejection and exclusion early in their life and then they expect it to happen all the time and so they're always on the lookout and prevent themselves from getting in the situations where they could be rejected. They see it when it's not happening, and so on. While both aggression and self-isolation fortify the needs [threatened by ostracism] neither one of them lead to re-inclusion.”

– Kipling D. Williams, Full PreFrontal Podcast Episode 191

[irrepressible-domovoy]

The thing I'll never get over is how leftists will say, "Oh, everyone is welcome here" and then completely demonize certain groups of people they consider "too weird"

This could apply to a lot of things, but I have DID and it never fails to amaze me how people immediately assume I'm going to commit mass murder when they find out, when what's most likely to happen with me is one of the smalls may eat all your licorice.

[0netruesolipsist]

If you're transfem, cool! I'm (kinda) transfem too

If you're transfem and do "hate all men" posts

You're not fighting patriarchy

You're hating on transmascs...

And other transfems who don't pass

Or aren't lesbian

[writing2changetheworld]

I'm going to be incredibly honest right now: a part of me really hates June.

I love it as a queer nonbinary person, but I hate it as a disabled person.

I hate Pride events being inaccessible. I hate disabled people being excluded from conversations because people forget we can be not straight and/or not cis. I hate it being called Pride Month instead of LGBTQIA+ Pride Month because Disability Pride Month is literally next month (July).

[queertations]

"Some people don’t think asexual or aromantic people count as queer, or just not queer enough without another letter tacked on, and—well, it’s a shitty feeling, being told that you don’t belong by people who are supposed to know what it’s like to be treated like there’s something wrong with you."

Wren Martin Ruins It All by Amanda DeWitt

[avoidantrecovery]

we need to talk about ostracism, self-isolation and rejection sensitivity

I've been reading about ostracism and was really surprised to find out how impactful it is in people's lives and how little it is talked about.

To keep things short (according to Kipling D. Williams, one of the leading scientists on the subject):

ostracism is the act of being ignored or excluded

it's different from bullying or other more "engaging" abusive behavior in that it's about completely shunning a person, excluding them, not talking to them or engaging them, not arguing, simply treating them like air

when a person is ostracized, the same parts of the brain are activated that activate for physical pain

taking a tylenol actually dampens the pain of ostracism

people feel the pain of ostracism, even if the group ostracizing them is filled with people they don't like

something as simple as the silent treatment or deliberate denial of eye-contact or handshakes can be considered ostracism

four needs are threatened when a person is ostracized: belonging, self-esteem, control and meaningful existence

it activates an ancient fear of being abandoned and left to fend for one's life alone

the ostracized will go through three phases: reflexive (immediate negative affect and pain), reflective (efforts to re-connect with group via social conformity; if this is not possible aggression or self-isolation and development of rejection-sensitivity) and resignation (long term ostracism: feelings of alienation, depression, helplessness and worthlessness)

For me, AvPD began after an ostracism event paired with other bullying I was going through at the time. This was many years ago, however there is a through-line from that event to who I am today. After being ostracized by a group of girls in my new school, I tried my best to negotiate my behavior, clothes, etc... and be re-included. And the moment I thought I had been re-included in their group (they pretended), they pranked me, which nearly led to me drowning during a school trip. From that day on, not deliberately, I slowly began to self-isolate and separate from other kids. I became very sensitive to rejection and just couldn't place why, I definitely hadn't been like that prior. I had been very extroverted by nature, but suddenly would not go anywhere other kids might be (like playgrounds or toy shops etc…)

Even when I did form friendships with people, later on, it was more of a mirroring and masking, never deep friendships and no relationships. I was still negotiating, trying my best to not put myself at risk of ostracism again. Same for education and jobs.

Anyway, after reading about ostracism and just how strong the impact can be, I believe this is why AvPD developed for me. I don't know if anyone else ever experienced similar, I feel like ostracism is something that is easy to overlook. I always thought that the near-drowning is what had been a key event for me. But it was actually the prior ostracism that made the near-drowning so much more potent as an event. The strong desire to be re-included in the group and only to have the rug pulled from under me and literally be left for dead. That lead to me then self-isolating and so on... can anyone relate?

(The book is called "Ostracism, Exclusion and Rejection" by Kipling D. Williams). There is also an article in the Scientific American on the topic: https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/the-pain-of-exclusion/

[convertgrapeling]

if school children are going to receive ridiculously harsh punishments for things like "swinging on their chair" or "not having full equipment" then maybe it's time that schools started providing heavier/more comfortable chairs and paying for all school equipment. take it out of the fucking headteacher's salary.

"persistent disruptive behaviour" is the reason given for more than 85% of school exclusions and the criteria schools are using under this description is ridiculous. children are missing out on their right to education because grown adults can't tolerate a bit of swinging on your chair.

[rainbowkarmadsmith33rd]

Quality of life and quality men and boys in real life would be nice…

Can we chill with the inclusivity and low quality pity fucks for awhile? 🤞🏽

We get it America, you love fat and obesity… we get it.

[did-they-mention-disability]

jacob and julia both briefly mention accessibility issues in the witness that impacted each of them personally while playing beyond hanwell (when a screen pops up saying that the game has sound puzzles but visual clues can be added via gameplay settings).

[writing2changetheworld]

This is the most hilariously blatant example of exclusion when it comes to not auto-generated captions I've ever seen from Smosh. They're just telling on themselves at this point.

These are two screenshots of the same moment posted on different platforms. The top is YouTube. The bottom is Tiktok.

So what did Chanse actually say?

[queertations]

"Even within the broader LGBT+ community, people like me are often an afterthought. For some, we are a point of contention.  

"But the issues we face are a direct result of the same heteronormative structure that has harmed queer people for decades."

I was asked if I wanted to ‘overcome’ my sexuality by Yasmin Benoit

[avoidantrecovery]

“Even in a verbal or physical altercation, individuals are still connected. Total exclusion, however, severs all bonds. Social rejection also deals a uniquely harsh blow to self-esteem, because it implies wrongdoing. Worse, the imposed silence forces us to ruminate, generating self-deprecating thoughts in our search for an explanation. The forced isolation also makes us feel helpless: you can fight back, but no one will respond. Finally, ostracism makes our very existence feel less meaningful because this type of rejection makes us feel invisible and unimportant.”

“The Pain of Exclusion” by Kipling D. Williams

[raffaellopalandri]

The Machinery of Exclusion: On Society’s Systemic Repression of Diversity and Non-Conformity

Today’s post takes inspiration from a deep remark from one of my most loyal readers, Giusy Di Maio. From her perspective as a psychologist, she pointed out how society tends to preferentially foster what favours most citizens. Photo by ATC Comm Photo on Pexels.com So, as we often do, here is my articulated take on her thought seed. Diversity Diversity, in its most profound articulation,…