#the pain of exclusion

[avoidantrecovery]

“Even in a verbal or physical altercation, individuals are still connected. Total exclusion, however, severs all bonds. Social rejection also deals a uniquely harsh blow to self-esteem, because it implies wrongdoing. Worse, the imposed silence forces us to ruminate, generating self-deprecating thoughts in our search for an explanation. The forced isolation also makes us feel helpless: you can fight back, but no one will respond. Finally, ostracism makes our very existence feel less meaningful because this type of rejection makes us feel invisible and unimportant.”

“The Pain of Exclusion” by Kipling D. Williams

[hoglinz]

extra company

[cuppajj]

currently

[nat20composure]

Astarion and Agency- The Necessity of Discomfort to Self Discovery and the Infantilization of Victims

Minor Astarion discourse ahead that mentions the treatment of SA victims post-abuse:

I want to open this post up just with like. The statement that I don't think there is a correct way to enjoy media and that I LOVE to see individual head cannons and takes on characters in media. I think that is also, to a degree, an integral part of video games because of how unique the experience of playing a game will be to every person who plays it. But it has been making me feel so incredibly sad looking through fan content, art, or discourse for BG3 specifically because of how many people have taken the route of infantilizing Astarion.

I understand the instinct to shield or protect an individual that you love and care for. I also understand that because of the nature of the things that Astarion goes through, a lot of people also feel very deep emotional stakes in him. I'm one of the many fans of the character who is a victim of SA and CSA, I really do get it. That is also why for me personally it is so demoralizing to watch so many people treat him like he is a child who cannot make his own decisions or stand up for himself. Part of that frustration stems from it feeling like a media literacy issue, and the other part of that sense of defeat is just because it feels indicative of a broader attitude that people seem to hold towards victims of abuse, particularly those who are victims of SA.

To explain what I mean by people infantilizing him: I see so many people refuse to allow him the opportunity to be hurt, or to feel uncomfortable. They see this character who has been through an immensely horrible and traumatic experience, and their instinct is to try and shield him from anything else that has the potential to upset him. I get that the people who want that aren't doing it with malicious intent, but frankly it is not really...Helpful? To try and prevent victims from Experiencing Discomfort tm. I also think it kind of disregards the entire thesis of Astarion's character and arc.

When you go through something that robs you of your selfhood and agency, the world can become a crushingly terrifying place. In Astarion, that fear presents itself in a desperation for power, control, and at the core of both of these desires- Safety. One thing the game is clear about is that he has a right to kill his abuser. He has a right to escape his situation. A lot of Astarion's personal arc is centered around being able to finally do that. But the game doesn't just leave it off at getting him to safety. So much of it is also about him needing to take responsibility for himself and his actions, with needing to learn who he as a person is.

The inclusion of the Gur children and Sebastian as characters is a good example of ways in which the game gives Astarion the opportunity to take responsibility. I think that if the intention of the arc was meant to be that "Astarion should never ever have to deal with being afraid or uncomfortable again", then the Ascended arc wouldn't Come with such heavy moral ramifications, like sacrificing the other people just like him, killing the victims he lured in, literal child murder. The game infers that he doesn't deserve to die because of the things he Needed to do to survive, but it also makes it very clear that there is a difference between addressing an Active Threat and using your fear as an excuse to hurt others. Breaking that cycle of abuse when he finally gets the chance to is what separates Spawn Astarion from Cazador.

Taking responsibility for himself, and letting himself sit in the discomfort of vulnerability ultimately ends up being a thing that he is very proud of and cherishes. If you tell him you will make sure nothing like that ever again he himself says that he doesn't want you to be his protector. And so it blows my mind when people go into all of these discussions about Astarion with this...Weird moral high ground for never, ever making or letting him make choices that might hurt him?

I see this the most when it comes to discussions about the possible polyamorous relationship with Halsin and the interaction with the drow twins in the brothel. So many people are just...outright angry? At other people engaging with either of those options? And I feel like that anger is one) rooted in the projection of their Own feelings on non-monogamy and what a victim of SA can or cannot look like. and two) Relies on undermining the agency that Astarion BEGS you for at every turn.

When it comes to the drow twins, the game adapts Astarion's response to them based on where he is in his own personal development (a really cool thing imo). Obviously, if he still doesn't feel good or safe about engaging with sex he declines and says you can feel free, though he hopes you aren't just doing it because he hasn't had sex with you. I think this makes sense: He's just gotten out of a situation where his Safety and worth were directly tied to him having sex. I imagine he feels afraid that not wanting to have sex with you makes him replaceable or inadequate because at this point in the game, he feels like that's all he has to offer. The interaction is relatively the same if you ask him for a poly amorous relationship with Halsin: He just asks you to reassure him that you aren't only doing it because he hasn't had sex with you, and then tells you he isn't worried about it otherwise.

A lot of people have taken the expression of that insecurity in combination with him still allowing you to go forward and do these things as him just "sucking it up" because he's afraid of losing you. (I am aware Shadowheart says he wouldn't be able to handle it when you ask her if you can date both of them- But keep in mind, Astarion says she wouldn't be able to either, and THAT obviously isn't true of her. For the purposes of this discussion I'm only including interactions with Astarion as a judgement of his character.) I understand that concern, but I feel this take disregards so many other points of dialogue, and is also continually rooted in the baseline vilification of discomfort.

To further go into it, the way that he speaks about both of these interactions changes significantly if you speak to him about it once he is completely free from Cazador, and has had time to allow himself to start reconnecting with himself and his sexuality on his terms. He has absolutely No reservations about an open or poly relationship with Halsin, and says he trusts that things will be ok because he one) feels secure in Your relationship and two) Knows Halsin is experienced and trusts him to not be a messy bitch about it.

I think that shift, in combination with the in game explanation of why he isn't ok with being in that sort of relationship with the other Origin Characters (for Lae'zel and Wyll, he says they'd never agree to that. For Shadowheart, he says she's not experienced with open relationships and that he doesn't think it'd work out. For Karlach, that it would break her heart. And for Gale, he says you need standards.) is a pretty good indicator that he doesn't actually care about polyamory or monogamy. I think the vilification of that choice relies on you picking and choosing when you do or do not believe Astarion or just outright not liking non-monogamy in the first place. This interaction has more to do with the player's choice and comfort level, and so is not as important to the broader discussion I am trying to have in this post.

The interaction that is more pertinent to not Allowing him to make decisions is, I think, the drow twins. If you interact with the drow twins after the completion of the Cazador questline, he is outright giddy at the prospect of interacting with the Drow twins. Specifically stating that he is excited to see how he likes these sorts of things now that he's free.

NOW- I do NOT think that he enjoys the act. The game makes that abundantly clear, and I'm not arguing that he has a great time. He obviously does not, and dissociates during it. That being said, allowing this interaction to happen does not make a player evil or selfish. You are not playing the hero if you decide to moderate his choices just because you do not think he is ready for it. Once again, no one is evil for Not doing it either, and I am not saying anybody has to want to. I am just saying that treating this choice like it is an evil choice to make relies on completely disregarding what He wants to do.

Astarion says so many times in the game that he is anxious about finally having the freedom to find out what he wants to do, and I think that his excitement for the drow twin exchange is one of the opportunities the game gives him to make a choice. He makes that choice- And it sucks for him. He doesn't enjoy the act, and having done it he would be able to move forward knowing that. I think it's really cool and important that the game represents that facet of recovering as a victim. While you are trying to renavigate who you are, you are going to make a million new choices you never had before. And sometimes those choices are going to suck ass. It would be a different matter if he knew these things would hurt him and went ahead and did them anyway. But so many people expect him to move forward avoiding even the Potential of being hurt, and I think that is extremely reductive of his arc and who he is.

Beyond the matter of interpersonal relationships, the choice between Ascending or not Ascending Astarion is not a matter of choosing the lesser of two evils. It is a choice between his fear and his humanity. Between letting his trauma and his fear define him for the rest of his immortal life, and allowing him the vulnerability of deciding who he is when he isn't running from the world. When he's willing to listen to the parts of himself that want to do right, that wants meaningful connection, that wants to be proud of himself. That wants to meet himself. To confront who he is when someone else isn't deciding that for him.

Astarion as a character is extremely ambitious, inquisitive, and adventurous, three traits that only become more and more evident as he breaks free from letting his own fear dictate how he lives his life. I don't understand how so many people can see him and want to take the core of his character away from him, when he spends the entire game fighting desperately to take it back.

Victims are not casts of the abuse they have gone through. Their shapes may be changed by the hands of others, they may have to relearn how to be the person they want to be. But they are not broken or irreparable or fragile. They do not need to be freed from the grip of one person to be held tight in the grip of another. It is so fucking unfair and self-important to think that your hands will be the ones that fix them. That your hands know better than theirs. I think the kindest thing you can do for a person is to trust them with themselves, and to listen when they tell you who they are and what they want. Please listen to the voices that have only just learned to speak. It is the only way they can get better at doing it.

[scintillatingshortgirl19]

gee i wonder if the issue could be at all related to the fact that the current treatment plan for his chronic pain consists solely of FUCKING IBUPROFEN

[serpentface]

WARDI TERMS OF ENDEARMENT

emense [ɛmɛnse] (eh-mehn-say)

Has meaning close to 'beloved' or 'darling'. "Ya emense" (meaning 'my beloved'/'my darling') is often contracted "y'mense".

bubuch [bubuk] (boo-bookh)

Somewhat of a nonsense word, basically ‘big-big’. Tends to either be used for small children or flirtatiously between adults (kind in between 'baby' and 'big boy' in functionality, though without gendered implications of the latter). Sometimes instead used as a form of intense condescension.

ya mache mes [ja mɑke mes] (yah mah-kay mace)

Functionally means "my other face", using the figurative word for face describing a concept of fundamental nature rather than anatomy. Very intense term of endearment, expresses the recipient as a core part of one's identity. Kind of equivalent to 'my other half' but not exclusively romantic.

ya tsitsima [ja ͡tsi͡tsimə] (yah tsee-tsee-muh)

Means "my blood". This term is used more broadly to denote familial relations, and is more of a term of endearment when used outside of actual biological relationship (calling your sister 'my blood' is just an intense way of saying 'my [relative]', calling a non-relative 'my blood' is VERY pointedly affectionate).

ya ungande [ja ungɑnde] (yah oon-gahn-day)

Often contracted to y'ungande, dead literally means "my liver" as in the organ. Ungande alone is also used as a food-based term of endearment, similar to 'honey' except instead with delicious organ meat.

anuje [ɑnudʒe] (ah-noo-jay)

Food based term of endearment, referring to a tree sap that is the most commonly used form of sweetener. Functionally identical to 'honey' in usage.

anu tlansekoma [ɑnu tlɑnsekoʊmə] (ah-noo tlahn-say-koh-muh)

This one actually means 'honey' (dead literally 'bee sweet'). Less common than 'anuje' as a term of endearment due to general cultural preference for anuje as a sweetener and the relative rarity of beekeeping.

inyagit [injəgit] (een-yah-geet)

Diminutive form of 'sun'. 'Ya inya' (my sun) occurs as well, but is less common.

y'mit agai [j'mit ɑgaɪ] (yuh-meet ah-gai)

Contraction of 'ya amit agai', 'my blue moon'. This specification is more common than a general 'my moon(s)' and is fairly loaded, given this particular moon is the site of the afterlife for the most honored dead. The phrase both suggests a sort of celestial beauty and a sense of being honored and finding rest in the recipient. This is a VERY intense and almost exclusively romantic term of endearment.

coutomara [koʊtoʊmɑrə] (koh-to-mahr-uh)

Means 'handsome' or 'beautiful', implies masculine attractiveness. (Dead literally closer to 'strong face'/'strong featured').

jaimara [dʒaɪmɑrə] (jaim-mahr-uh)

Means 'pretty' or 'beautiful', implies feminine attractiveness (dead literally close to 'beautiful face'/'beautifully featured').

katsuy [kɑtsui] [kaht-soo'ee]

Sexually charged description of physical attractiveness, basically calling someone 'sexy'.

ya katsuymen [ja kɑtsuimɛn] (yah koht-soo'ee-mehn)

Related and also sexually charged, close in meaning to 'my desire'.

at akmatse yachouy [ɑt ɑkmɑtse jɑtʃɔɪ] (aht ahk-mat-say yah-choi )

Sexually explicit term of endearment. The dead literal translation is "one who makes me flower". The word "flower" here is not as euphemistic in context and is rather the nicest sounding possible way to say "makes me cum (HARD)". Not considered vulgar, rather cloyingly romantic if anything.

gan(ne) ama [gɑn(e) ɑmə] (gah(-nay) ahm-uh)

Means 'bull'. When used affectionately, implies masculine strength. Usually used in conjunction with an adjective (ie 'handsome bull') or more teasingly gannit ama (little/baby bull))

jaimeti [dʒaɪmɛti] (jai-meh-tee)

Means 'gazelle' (the name for the animal itself is close in meaning to 'beautiful horn'), heavily associated with grace and beauty. Also tends to be used with adjectives ('lovely gazelle' 'handsome gazelle' etc) or with a diminutive.

ansiba [ɑnsibɑ] (ahn-see-bah) or ansibit [ɑnsibit] (ahn-see-beet)

Means 'duck' and 'duckling' respectively, specifically refers to the animal and implies cuteness. Ansibit is a very common term of endearment for children.

"Wannaukoma such datse anmo" [wɑnaʊkoʊmə suk dɑtse ɑnmoʊ] (wahn-now-koh-muh sookh daht-say ahn-moh)

Means 'an ant could swallow you', implies cuteness (ie the recipient is so small and tiny an Ant could devour them whole). Usually used on children, occasionally used on adult women (in a way that feels intensely patronizing to many). 'Datse' (you) may be replaced by the recipients surname or honorific in the rare case that someone would dare calling someone this without being on first name basis with them.

wannaukomit [wɑnaʊkoʊmit] (wahn-now-koh-meet)

Means 'little ant', a term of endearment that borders on insulting even to babies.

OTHER:

-it [it] (eet)

This is a diminutive modifier, which can be added to a name or other word/term of endearment to denote affection (can also be condescending). It lacks internal meaning in everyday use and is closer to the English -y or -ie (billy johnny rosie susie puppy kitty ducky etc).

hippe [hipɛ] (heep-peh) (some dialects drop the h sound entirely)

Means 'small' or 'little', can be spoken with other words/names as an affectionate diminutive.

Other epithets-

Various epithets used in the language are not exclusively used as terms of endearment, but can be contextually. Most commonly, this will be the -machen epithet of the recipients zodiac birthsign (particularly those considered auspicious). Someone with the lion birthsign could be respectfully and/or affectionately called 'odomachen', or VERY affectionately called 'ya odo' ('my lion'). There's also a good variety of poetic epithets that have worked their way into common language as affectionate compliments/descriptors- ie ganatoche (dead literally 'cow-eye', more prettily 'ox-eyed') is a complimentary descriptor for brown eyes, anaemaitsa (dead literally 'river-haired', more prettily 'flowing-haired') compliments wavy hair.

Given name basis-

In Wardi culture, full names are spoken with the family name preceding the given name. When respectfully speaking to a stranger, peer, or authority figure, you refer to them by their family name, title, and/or an honorific. Being on an accepted given name basis with someone is generally indicative of closeness and affection.

datse [dɑtse] (dah-tsay)

This is the word for "you". Similarly to the use of a given name, actually referring to someone as 'you' (rather than a surname, title, or honorific in place of the pronoun) expresses familiarity and intimacy.

[indighostoast]

fire.

Guess who was in pain after the new video and made this in *checks* yeah no 20 something minutes in the middle of class.

Burn.

And Blue was back in the Nether again, holding up the child as high as she could while she sunk.

And she was back there, screaming, but now it mingled with the chorus of her friends as they burned.

Hurt.

Hurt.

Hurt.

She floundered, jumping and clinging desperately for the edge, there weren’t any piglins to save her now. Just a lava pit under sakura trees. With that flaring white pain that was so hot, it was as if she was encased in ice.

Again.

Why her friends, too? Why them?

.

.

.

Green had been distant recently, so it was a bit of a surprise that he offered to invite them out for a picnic. Of course, they all accepted, though some a bit more hesitant than others.

But she’d been eager, wanting to talk about how nice it was that they were spending time together. Especially since Green started influencing… a few weeks ago.

(Oh, that was a few weeks ago? It felt like both minutes and years at the same time.)

It’s been a month since the channel was created. And only ever since then he’s been spending most of his time out in Minecraft doing Alan-knows-what.

But she trusted him, with the picture of cherry blossoms overhead and the basket and how peaceful it all was. Sandwiches too, he’d even told her not to bring any food since he already brought them himself.

Maybe that’s what he’s been doing in Minecraft instead? Making something nice for them besides editing and recording those videos. (Even being closer to him lately, she still didn’t know much about it all. Besides the occasional dance and the slightly older videos. The ones where she knew his smile did reach his eyes because they weren’t obscured by the sunglasses.)

Thinking back, when they ate, she’d caught Red standing up despite everyone else choosing to sit. (They’d said they just preferred to eat that way, and Blue didn’t give a second thought about it.)

That was, until Green got his phone out. He’d gotten it out before, with a quick excuse of replying to comments. That only got her a shrug in response, a reassuring smile.

“It’s fine, we should just trust him on this.”

Then the ground fell open.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Freezing wasn’t going to do anything. It wasn’t going to get her out of this burning pit of hell.

It wasn’t going to do anything as her body burned.

It wasn’t going to do anything.

But she was watching herself burn to death, her limbs stopping their function as she could only hold on, to the side.

She can pull back up. She had the strength, not the will.

Burn.

Burn.

Burn.

Her eyes closed.

Then there’s another hand against hers, making her open them again.

Yellow was kneeling down, grabbing her arms and hauling her onto the grass.

Blue didn’t move.

She couldn’t move. Not a muscle. Not anything.

Ears ringing.

Burn.

“Are you okay?!”

She couldn’t open her mouth. Someone was screaming in the distance and sounds were echoing off each other. Blurs of color were dancing in front of her vision now that wasn’t that reddish-orange.

But she was there. She was still there.

Fine.

She tried to say, in the tone she’s gotten so used to.

The only response she gave was hugging her knees against her chest.

Staring.

Did she expect him to know?

No, she didn’t.

(It was supposed to be funny!)

[neuralsnare]

Scrapped this because I ran out of time but this was for a contest in the creatures of sonaria discord

[xibaxiba]

assorted yaralene doodles!! inspired to post bc of klori's wonderfully angst-ridden fic featuring them.

lene the faithless belongs to to lovely @unmerrymagdalene!

[silly-ehggy]

Ya see I have this thing where I mostly post art dumps but that sucks kind of cuz no one talks about just one of them it's unfocused.. but cuz I draw so much I can't just post one drawing that's mean to the other ones!! Anyway

[avoidantrecovery]

“Sometimes we ask participants to recall incidents in which they have been left out and observe the effects of these memories on mood and behavior.

No matter how people are left out, their response is swift and powerful, inducing a social agony that the brain registers as physical pain. Even brief episodes involving strangers or people we dislike activate pain centers, incite sadness and anger, increase stress, lower self-esteem and rob us of a sense of control.

Remarkably, we all feel that initial ache about equally, no matter how tough or sensitive we are. Personality traits do, however, influence how well we cope—whether we recover quickly or ruminate endlessly, whether we work to reestablish social ties or lash out in anger.”

“The Pain of Exclusion” by Kipling D. Williams

[dranktwocoffees]

velvette my gorgeous wife ❤️ And the Other one.

[oddogoblino]

Doodled Wukong and Zhīzhū having a totally important discussion before bed

Reblogs are more effective than likes!!! They're encouraging too!!!

[vladimpale]

MATCHYYY

you can tell mammon's my favorite by the fact that i designed shoes (my mortal enemy) for him

(if you saw me post an unfinished version last night no you didn't)

based on the chat your favorite color

i love him so much

[st-just]

Truly don't understand the apparently widespread appeal of vampires who aren't actually compelled to like, meaningfully predate and hurt people (of moral significance!). Like what's even the point then. You just surgically extracted the most compelling part.

[constelationprize]

actually there is something else I want to say. Bryson Wilshire when I FUCKING get you.

Like, for real. Getting your own 17yo grieving emotionally abused brother hooked on cocaine has got to be top 3 foulest things an AFTG character has ever done and I'm counting all the torture.

Because honest to God why the FUCK did he do that. What did he have to gain? Pocket money?

And then he gets to sit back for forever knowing that no one believes Jeremy's side of the story because Jeremy himself hasn't fully grasped what Bryson did to him. He recounts it to Jean as if Bryson was just being a bad influence, and sure, Jeremy was old enough to know better (that's the whole tragedy of his situation, that he could have made the right choices, and didn't) but it was also the most stressful time of his life and he trusted his brother. What guts me is that if this was just Bryson on a spiral dragging Jeremy down with him, why would he make Jeremy pay for the pills? The pills Bryson had access to for free. And there's a lot of subtext/text pointing to their finances being controlled by Mathilda even back then.

I think that there's something about this specific time frame between Jeremy's rebelious senior year and the scandal at the banquet that hasn't been revealed yet because Jeremy mentions that there's something he's only ever told William about, that he did it recently, and it can't have been that Bryson was his dealer because in their confrontation after the dinner Bryson references that Jeremy did indeed try to blame his addiction on Bryson and failed. I don't know if this could explain Bryson's motivations because right now I'm just inclined to believe that he is The Devil.

This feels like I've just found my absolute weirdest moral line but there's something about this situation I find legitimately unforgivable. And the fact that I can't even wrap my head around why he would fucking do that will drive me insane.

And I knoooow he'll get what's coming to him next book because after his growing vendetta against Jean he's skirting closer and closer to the line of main antagonist rather than just sticking to the Jeremy's Issues plotline and that truly will not end well for him. But I in fact need it to happen literally right now.