#okay not word for word but paraphrased . essentially the same shit

[gongedtornado]

h*zbin/h*lluva enjoyers fuck off from my page plz 🙏

[littledoggy-girlcollar]

a counterargument: colin bullied nate pretty relentlessly, including physically. nate was openly scared of colin in the for the children ep. not that that makes what said okay, but he also apologized to colin afterwards.

you know i did think about this when writing the post so here's my thoughts on that:

you're right, colin did bully nate in season one, but unless i totally misread shit (which, possible, i did watch a lot of it fairly late at night and watched the other part of it while writing an essay), the bullying was explicitly ring-led by jamie, and was stopped pretty much entirely by roy yelling at them in the club. as far as i remember, there was nothing specific that colin did that jamie and isaac didn't, and while i also don't remember a full apology to nate, it also seemed like they all got along fairly well afterward, especially after nate's promotion to assistant coach.

and then the Headspace episode happened. i had thoughts abt what i was going to say and then i went "hey lemme pull up the episode to make sure i have that right" and i forgot those thoughts and now i have new ones and they're way more thesis-y than i thought they'd be so here we go!

nate is a bit of a dick to colin during practice, following some ribbing of nate's new nickname of the "wonder kid," coming from him mispronouncing "wunderkind/wonderkind" (as far as i can tell these are the same word? just different spelling?). dani, jamie, and colin all make essentially the same joke, but colin is the only one that nate gets mad at. could this possibly just be because of the lingering resentment from the bullying last season? sure. but colin actually goes to nate's office to figure out what he did wrong and if there's something else he should be doing, and nate literally tells him he did it because dani and jamie have more talent and recognition than he does (incredibly paraphrased). my rant about how colin could end up being THE most inspiring member of the team if the show/the character decides to go that way will be saved for another post, but in essence, nate explicitly tells both colin and us as the viewer that he picked on colin because he doesn't think he has that much power to retaliate, and nate's position as assistant coach gives him a level of authority over colin as well.

crazy. almost like a role reversal over here or something.

anyways, beard calls nate on his shit, nate apologizes to colin in front of the team, the apology is accepted. in all, it was kind of a one-off thing that was resolved fairly easily, and i am realizing that my view of that specific instance may have been clouded by the rest of the episode, but there is one more point i want to hit on before we get to that part, which is that: colin is a gay man in a sport with (from what i've heard) no visibly out queer men, and nate had no way of knowing this, but that probably made his comment cut deeper than he even intended. i know in season three colin says he doesn't want to be some big statement or representation or whatever, and i think that's totally fair and if the show wants to stick with that i think that's chill, but i do still think telling a closeted gay man that "you aren't special, you don't inspire anyone, shut up and do the work" would have a biiiiit of a mental impact beyond just the visible hurt we see from colin as he leaves. again, this bit isn't necessarily on nate since he didn't know and may not have factored it in even if he did, but to me it's just kind of another drop in the bucket of "wow this man is just saying anything now cause he's got an outsourced sense of superiority."

and that's actually where my main problem comes from. because after the apology the team gifts nate a jersey with "wonder kid" on it. and they are happy about it, and they think it's cool, and they give the credit to will (the kitman, you know, nate's old job) for coming up with it, and will says "it's a pretty awesome nickname." and then nate sees one fucking negative meme on twitter, in a flood of literally hundreds of positive ones, plus headlines and fucking podcasts praising him to high heaven, and nate goes "clearly will was trying to embarrass me, guess i better go physically threaten him so he never does that again."

because he's an insecure prick that doesn't actually believe in himself or have self-confidence. he's done a bit of growing, sure, and he can stand up for himself and voice his opinions a bit better now, but despite his stupid fucking posturing and spitting in the mirror (cause its tough? a metaphor for him hating himself? whatever it's fucking stupid) he gets all of his confidence from other people. he hasn't internalized it yet. he feels good when ted praises his ideas, he gets overly insecure when roy does literally anything, including give the proper credit to nate, feels lighter than air and higher than heaven (i don't usually invoke holy shit this much the show must be rubbing off on me in terms of metaphors) when everyone is praising his name, and it can all be ruined by one comment from his father and the same picture of his face on the internet only this time it's saying shit instead of giving him glory. so he's hearing all of this praise from pretty much all corners, and he feels good about it, but he can't hold onto it. he can't internalize it. so when he sees a sliver of criticism, it all goes out the window, and he doesn't want that! that makes him feel bad! so he has to get rid of that, too, and the easiest way to get rid of it is to turn it around on someone else. someone with less power who won't fuck you up and who doesn't visibly have enough support to come back at you (because while i love colin, we really don't see him shine on his own that much. and neither does nate). and sure whatever nate's dad is a jerk to him and childhood issues shut the fuck up that's a grown man with an actively growing support system. which he throws under the bus like five seconds later by the way.

anyways. my point here is really that the episode is kind of a perfect summary of nate's character at this point in the narrative. he's abusing his power out of some weird sense of superiority one good win got him, he's got enough humanity to realize (re: be forced to realize by a large man with a beard and ability to disappear from offices) when he's fucked up no actually hold on. he literally only apologizes cause coach beard confronts him on it and is expecting it. he wouldn't have done this otherwise and we know it because look at how he's treated will literally since he got there. ok sorry for the detour that hit me literally as i was writing and i don't have the energy to go back up and revise to fit that in. so: abusing power, will apologize when made to by those he still views as having more power than him, externalizes all of his self-concept, positive and negative, and continues to take out all negativity on anyone he views as having less power. WHICH AGAIN FUCKING SUCKS SINCE THAT LITERALLY USED TO BE HIM IT'S LITERALLY "WELL I WENT THROUGH X SO YOU SHOULDN'T GET Y" BEHAVIOR FUCK OFF. GOD. okay i need to end this before i get real fucked up about it ok closing statement.

yes, colin bullied nate in season one. yes, nate ostensibly apologized to colin and colin accepted. no, the reason this grinds my gears isn't necessarily the colin thing specifically, but the situation is kind of a microcosm of everything that's going on in the world of nate, and is therefore condensed, and therefore saturated, so it sucks more ass. yes, i understand that pretty much everything i've laid out is why nate is such a well written character, but that doesn't make him a less shitty person. i'm sure i had more things to say and forgot them so if you wanna ask questions shoot.

[bthump]

I wanted to touch on the whole gutsca thing with someone (I know zero people in this fandom so you're my lucky pick!). Am I alone in feeling like their first time together came out of no where? My meta with Guts is that he was not at all comfortable with sex at that time of his life (this instance being his first time [outside of the rape he experienced as a child]). His choice of words too, "here I go", translated to me like someone only doing what they felt was expected of them rather than something he was yearning for. He clearly wasn't even ready given how rough he was and how he regressed and attacked her. This moment seemed very forced and almost rang to me like Kentaro's declaration of "no homo though". I would be curious to know how Kentaro felt about homosexuality (bisexuality, etc) and if he ever addressed the ever blatant gay tension and romantic-non-platonic-love blossoming between Guts and Griffith pre-eclipse. I do get the sense that this may be a case of severe queer baiting or perhaps a PSA against gay love altogether ("falling for a man will literally destroy you and send you and everyone you love to hell" type of message); but I'm a very jaded person so I hope to be proven wrong. Sigh, my point being Gutsca seems pretty dang forced and empty of true development. I buy them more as besties than anything romantic. Especially since both he and Casca are actually in love with Griffith (what a fucking triangle!). Does anyone in fandom have any opinions on the sad possibility of this whole beautiful and ultimately tragic love between Griffith and Guts actually being a fucked up anti-gay PSA? Are there any interviews with Kentaro shooting this theory down so I can stop being sad and bitter about it? What are your thoughts?

Thanks for sending this, I'm definitely down to talk about it! I hope you connect with more people in the fandom but don’t worry about sending random asks even if you do lol.

Anyway you’re definitely not alone. I have a lot of thoughts on Guts and Casca's hook up, and they're all pretty much "it feels really forced and not particularly romantic but I think you can argue that that's deliberate" lol. For instance I discuss in a lot of detail here how various aspects of the scene indicate that Guts and Casca having sex is shown to be a case of both of them rebounding from Griffith and sort of giving to each other what they were unable or failed to give to him.

And I talk a lot about how Judeau essentially orchestrates it all and what that suggests about Guts and Casca's relationship here.

And lol sorry for all the links but also this post is about how their relationship feels one-sided to an extent and is used to illuminate a lot of Guts' flaws, using Judeau as a comparison point.

Oh shit and also one more lol, here's a comparison between the sex scene and Griffith's with Charlotte that suggests that both start as ways for the dudes to repress their feelings.

(Don't feel obligated to read all those posts if you don't want, you should get the gist of what I'm saying w/ those descriptions.)

But yeah basically I do think that Guts and Casca getting together felt forced and awkward. At best it might be intended to be seen that way, as two friends hooking up awkwardly in an emotionally intense moment but probably doomed to failure because neither of them are ready for a relationship with the other, or particularly interested in one deep down, once they finished "licking wounds." At worst it’s just bad writing lol. But again like I think there are good arguments for the former.

I also totally agree that their relationship has a strong vibe of doing what's expected. Like for real, at least to me both Guts and Casca read so easily as gay and repressed lol. Casca talks about her feelings for Griffith in terms of “he was a boy she was a girl can I make it any more obvious”

and I can’t help but see it as Casca like, wow I have strong feelings towards Griffith, he’s a man and I’m a woman, so clearly these feelings must be romantic, there’s no other option. Then when she has sex with Guts she keeps contextualizing it essentially as repayment for Guts saving her, like she owes him. “I too want a wound I can say you gave me.” “Not just being given to... maybe I can give something as well.” Which just doesn’t make her desire for him look all that genuine lol.

And then you have Guts. The way he tells Casca that from the start only her touch was okay with him after he has sex with her, referencing the scene when he wakes up with her on top of him and starts to panic before realizing she’s a woman, is soooo suggestive of repression to me. Like, first off because it’s incorrect, he was also okay with Griffith going in for a face-grab after winning a duel Guts had been projecting his rape trauma all over, which seems like a pretty conspicuous omission. And secondly because the reason he was okay with Casca’s touch specifically is solely because she’s a woman, not because she’s special or because they have a magic romantic connection - it’s because she’s not a man. To me that just screams that Guts was open to sex with Casca because she’s the only woman he knows, and he’s afraid of the idea of physical intimacy with men, regardless of what he might actually want deep down.

So yeah that’s basically how I feel about Guts and Casca’s relationship, strong agree with you.

When it comes to Miura’s intent, I can tell you that Miura was asked about the subtext in an interview once, back in 2000, and he responded with something along the lines of ‘two men can have passionate feelings for each other without it being romantic.’ The interview is here, but this is a paraphrase the translator mentioned in the comments.

Other than that I’ve never seen him address it directly, but on the flipside he has cited several textually gay stories as inspiration (off the top of my head: Kaze to Ki no Uta, Devilman, Guin Saga, mangaka Moto Hagio in general), and he has straightforwardly said that the (magical intersex) central character of his other work, Duranki, was intended to have romances with both male and female love interests. Also people tell me there are strong griffguts vibes with the main, presumably canon or intended-to-be-canon ship there. So there’s that lol.

As for the no homo aspect and the potential homophobia in the griffguts subtext... I can’t deny I’ve also considered the idea that it’s a deliberate anti-gay PSA (though I haven’t seen anyone else address the idea as far as I remember, and I’ve only briefly mentioned it offhandedly). Like, Guts and Griffith’s relationship turns bad because they’re both too invested in each other, maybe the barely-subtextual desire is meant to look like a sinister twisting of pure platonic feelings that ruins everything, if Griffith hadn’t loved him the Eclipse never would have happened, etc.

But honestly I don’t think that reading holds up compared to a much more positive reading of their feelings, in which it’s their failure to understand them and act on them, thanks largely to formative childhood trauma and self-hatred, that leads to tragedy.

I don’t know what Miura intended, and there certainly are aspects of the story that are homophobic regardless of his intent, even if my best-faith reading is entirely correct, like the only textual gay attraction being pedophiles and over the top heretic orgies lol, or yk, Guts and Griffith both assaulting the same woman while looking at/thinking about the other in a very sexually charged way.

But the reading of their relationship where it’s positive and good for both of them, even including sexual desire, and only gets fucked up because they both incorrectly think their feelings are unrequited is legitimately so weirdly strong, much stronger than a reading where the sexual nature of their feelings is what fucks everything up, so I’m pretty happy just rolling with that take.

And as much as Casca can be seen and may very well be intended as a no homo, it’s also very easy for me to read her relationships with both as less of a hopeful opportunity for positive heterosexual romance and more of a “here’s how repressing your feelings thru attempts at heterosexuality fucks you up” PSA lol. Griffith and Charlotte too, for that matter. It’s definitely a stretch to think that’s intended, but whether it’s intended or not it’s an easy sell for me and I’m fine with not really worrying too much about possible authorial intent there.

Finally, I also want to link this post that goes pretty thoroughly into why I interpret griffguts as very positive rather than as a cautionary tale or predatory gay lust etc

And also have this shorter post about Femto on the same subject too, why not

Oh and maybe this thing where I split hairs about Guts’ lust for Griffith and desire for revenge to make a point that the homoeroticism isn’t necessarily being equated with violence by the narrative lol

[jackiebrackettt]

📘i cannot find like a normal book emoji so here's a blue spiral notebook - mare

@nightmare-rivulets hello mare ^_^ I’ll give you the ctubbo song for untitled by stillsunrise- this is another one that’s kinda iffy on timing buuut here we go! (i'm going to with no warning transition out of using "c" to refer to characters but i of course always mean characters) anyway, lyrics + under a cut bc this is getting long:

intro is ctubbo in snowchester, slowly "zooming" (cuts) into where he is sitting at his kitchen table - basically this bit lines up with the start of the lyrics "i got four more hours 'til my life runs out" (although that bit also lines up with like.. some sorta emphasis on a clock showcasing the time? idk) he's sitting there having coffee bc tbh i'm too weak-willed to commit to him having wine like the song suggest o(-( anyway "it's creeping up into my head it hurts all the same" -> lol he has a headache. sad

okay wait b4 that i just remembered: the lyric just b4 the wine + headache bit "no, not the smartest thing that i have done" we see a close up of his comm where he's messaged cdream so they can meet at a set of far away coords. cdream's reply of "yeah sure" (paraphrased lol) pops up on screen

uhh this next bit is abstract! he kinda hallucinates ghostboo(/specifically dead cranboo not ghostboo as we know him) saying like "tell me, tell me baby why am i bleeding / save me, save me from this cold old feeling" (repeated once)

this is where the timing gets a bit iffy bc it's like.. ???? but it's ctubbo sitting there still and cranboo is either still there or gone for this next bit? all i have in mind is a transition out of the hallucination where where cranboo like.. puts his hand on tubbo's cheek and tubbo leans into it and then it goes back to real life or whatever and it's just tubbo holding his own face... yeah idk if i explained that well but u get what i mean. also i'm thinking brighter colours when ranboo is around but then dull when he's not. there's a line in this bit like "all i want is your sweet touch / baby i don't ask for much" and i'm thinking that's where the transition would be. but that leaves a lotta ???? time inbetween

the instrumental directly after "where's that serenity?" (section change) is when tubbo sorta pushes away from the table and starts walking to his lab. "tick tock, tick tock, tick tock / you know my time is running out too fast" with emphasis on the clock! but this is him in his lab building something (it's... it's nukes. you know the tubbolul plotline? this is kinda similar but he's going after dream. it's basically like.. more powerful weapon, easier to set off by himself) montage ^_^

when it sorta gets slow at the end of this section it's sorta him taking a break looking at his things and then when it picks up again he's leaving again! trudging over to the coords with this fucking bomb or some shit. okay i'm losing the timing on this again o(-( but essentially from here is kinda the confrontation with dream is basically tubbo communicating "hey revive ranboo now or i blow us both up lol" and dream pulls out his enderpearl like "goodbye ^_^" and tubbo pulls out his like "yea i'll just fucking follow you idiot ^_^" and the ending basically implies that yeah dream'll do it. actually maybe dream does pearl away and tubbo follows him and presses the button is kinda like "i can turn this off just say the word but i'll fucking do it ^_^" and then it gets like 1 second b4 and dream gives in. idk how that would work with the song though

but yeah maybe have a lil epilogue of tubbo going and comforting a newly revived ranboo or something idk

[madamecricket]

Fourth (and Final) Impressions of Deltarune Chapter 2

Edit: forgot to put a readmore. Forgive me! Spoilers under the cut!

- So I wasn’t even in the palace very long before we got to a series of puzzles that Berdly couldn’t solve, much to his frustration. I figured Berdly was building up to something, either a boss fight or a growth moment, and it was the second one. Turns out when you thrive off of praise, you develop a bit of a dependency... good on him to be self-aware.

- In the flashback sequence with the spelling bee, I noticed the word Noelle got nervous and stuck on - “December”. See, I remember another sequence in the city where we had a character moment with Noelle while pressing a series of switches that spelled out “December.” Clearly the word is significant to her in some way, and probably a negative way considering how it made her freeze up. Either something big happened in December, or something big happened involving a person close to her named December, since I remember her mentioning a “Dess”. I’m looking forward to where this goes.

- The theme in the Queen’s palace slaps, just gotta say that before we go further.

- So backtracking a bit, Lancer has been stone-ified, and Ralsei knows exactly what’s up: the dark fountains create worlds, the dark fountains that was sustaining Lancer’s world is gone, and that’s why Lancer is stone now. He’ll be fine, though, if we can get him back to Ralsei’s castle town and the fountain there. Good of him to offer a solution, except...

- ... hold the fuck up, Ralsei. So you’re telling me that this happened to Lancer because of the loss of his dark fountain - which Ralsei encouraged us to go through - and because of that, the Dark World that Lancer comes from is no more? And what’s more, Lancer now depends on the Castle Town fountain - that is, Ralsei’s fountain - to live. He is now life-bound to your town, Ralsei. He literally cannot leave you and still live, and even if he could, the world he knew is gone. Oh, but it’s ok, because you conveniently have a place for him to live under your roof now. 

- And, hold on, who was it who told us we had to go through the Dark Fountain to get home?? I played through the first chapter just recently, that was you, Ralsei. I definitely remember Ralsei saying we had to do that, he gave us that quest in the first place, and I definitely do not remember him mentioning at any point that this would end with Lancer’s world being destroyed. This is absolutely not fine, Ralsei. Oh, and considering how conveniently us getting isekai’d in the library lines up with Ralsei suddenly insisting we had to go and do homework... Ralsei, are you the one isekai-ing us???

- *deep breath* Okay. I’m calling it now. There’s something Ralsei isn’t telling us. I joked earlier about how he wants to bake us into cakes and eat us, but to be clear, I think whatever’s going on here is more complicated than “Ralsei was the bad guy all along”. I get the feeling that Ralsei’s desire for friendship, especially towards Kris, is very genuine. It’s just... this whole situation is reminding me of Asriel’s deal in Undertale. Fitting considering the whole anagram situation... I wonder how Deltarune!Asriel is going to play into this.

- Okay, back to more current stuff in the game. I met up with Roulsx Kaard (idc how to spell it) again and he’s facing me in... the thrashing machine I made in the first chapter. I’m serious. Same color and everything, holy shit.

- behold the majesty

- COMETH FORTH, MY SQUEAKY DUCKY!!!

- ...whut?

- this is excellent. I’m going to die of excellent.

- ohh, now he’s gonna transform... aaaaand...

- oh. ... you know, I wondered when it was gonna catch up to him?

- ice cold, Ralsei. Ice cold.

- “Why don’t we close our eyes and imagine how she’s doing now” Just like last game... is Ralsei actually activating some kind of power when this happens?

- “I wish Dess could see this”? I knew it! I’m on to something!

- taking a moment to acknowledge the shipping energy in the air

- Noelle (paraphrased): “Where are we, anyway?” Me: say “Dark World” Susie: “You’re just having a dream” Again with Susie thwarting player intentions...

- .. a heart-covered Ferris Wheel. Okay, Toby Fox, we’re doing this now!

- Susie has a tail???

- BERDLY WHAT

- And again, we return from a Susie Sequence to Ralsei apparently explaining something to Kris and finishing with a variation of “so that’s why-” before getting cut off by Susie. What are you explaining, Ralsei.

- Checked a calendar in Noelle’s palace room. “Every page is the last month, every day is the 25th”... what??

- another banger of a final battle!! let’s do this!!!

- See, I had a feeling that the Queen didn’t actually want to hurt anybody, but she has a... funny... idea of what constitutes helping. It clicks with her being basically a personified search engine - she literally wants nothing more than to give people what they want and make them happy, but she’s not always great at figuring that out based on what they search. She mentions Noelle’s “sad and lonely searches”... Noelle, honey, are you ok?

- Excuse me, Queen, this Dark World was created *today*? ... And it was created by the Knight... and I already suspect that Ralsei is “isekai-ing” us... Ralsei, are you the knight?

- New important info: “Lightners” are apparently necessary to create Dark Fountains due to their determination, and unlike Undertale, determination isn’t exclusive to humans

- BERDLY!!! BERDLY IS PUTTING THAT REDEMPTION ARC TO GOOD USE!!!

- ...

... this game just became perfect

- Oh hey, White Diamond, what’s up?

- “Oh Damn I Did Not Know That” WELL NOW YOU TELL US, RALSEI!

- Susie doesn’t have a tail? Make up your mind, game!!!

- Phew. Okay. Okay. The actual game part is over. Time to process some thoughts...

- So we’ve seen two Dark Worlds so far, Lancer’s world based on games (cards, checkers, etc) and the Queen’s world based on computers and the internet. The running theme I notice so far is escapism. During her fight, the Queen monologued about a desire to fulfill the desires of people who turn to the internet to dull their pain or look for new distractions. And as for Lancer’s world... well, it’s implied to literally be made of abandoned toys. Both of them things people turn to when they need a little entertainment or escapism to avoid their real-life problems for a bit. And I think it’s been mentioned that Darkners are essentially made to serve Lightners; perhaps helping them cope with the difficulties of life? 

Even putting aside the symbolism here, Susie and Kris literally escaped to this world to blow off their classwork, and Susie in particular seems to think the Dark World is better than anything in the Light World. In the final battle, Susie, Noelle, AND Berdly were all just about to open up a Dark Fountain themselves and make themselves better lives in the Dark World and only stopped when Ralsei very firmly informed them about the Roaring. Is this going to come up again? Are these kids going to struggle with the temptation to abandon their real lives to go play eternally in the Dark World?

And isn’t that just a perfect microcosm of the relationship that people have with video games in general - including this one? The perfect opportunity to just forget about your own life for a bit and temporarily live in a different world altogether, one with battles and magic and adventure?

Just what the fuck is going on here, Ralsei? Was I too quick to accuse him of being a secret villain earlier? Is Ralsei just trying to get us to process our shit in the Dark World, and then destroy it so we move on to the Light World with renewed hope in life? .. or is he just trying to make himself the center of our fantasies?

- HOLY SHIT THE QUEEN IS HERE! THE QUEEN IS HERE AND SHE’S GONNA BE A MOM FOR LANCER!!! (or “girldad” as Lancer puts it)

- ...have the Queen and King met? I mean, it would make sense, but they haven’t been mentioned as having a relationship of any kind or even knowing each other. Is this another Toriel/Asgore kind of situation?

- HOLY SHIT I KNEW IT SHE IS HIS MOM

- So I’m just talking to NPCs around Castle Town, right, and I meet up with Seam again. He just told me to be careful not to stay in there too late and that I don’t want to get caught when the sun goes down... DAFUQ YOU MEAN, WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THE SUN GOES DOWN???

- This is wonderful, I’m now witnessing Toriel and Sans having a joke-off in person.

- (Sees Kris going in to wash their hands) (Hears Toriel say “they do that sometimes”) ...so Kris has like... a condition? The heart-ripping thing has happened before?

- (Sees last thing before credits) ...okay then!!! I think that’s all the things I can get into one post, haha! Forgot to mention some things, but I can only type so much!!! Can’t wait to talk about this later, haha!!! (holy shit)

[dudeihavenocheese]

Oof i was just blocked (pretty sure, anyway, I've never been blocked on here before so I could be wrong) by a panphobe after giving them a pretty chill explanation of pansexuality. I don't have their side of the conversation, but I do have mine (because my anxiety won't allow me to send something without drafting it first so it's on my notes) and a website they had given.

So buckle your seatbelts, grab your snacks, and get comfy. This is gonna be a long one.

Website they had given: https://whypansexualityisbiphobic.carrd.co

Their basic premise was:

Pansexuality is the same as bisexuality and was built on transphobia, therefore pansexuality is transphobic and biphobic. (This is, of course, paraphrasing. If I could actually see the goddamn messages I could better give their POV but oof i guess)

My responses were, admittedly, not as good as some others can and have put it. For the sake of this post, I will put my responses, then try and elaborate.

My response:

"I will not excuse the transphobic and biphobic nature of some pansexuals, but that's the keyword. Some pansexuals. Some pansexuals say shit like "hearts not parts" (wtf does that even mean) and "bisexuality doesn't include trans/nonbinary folks" (It happens with all groups of people, sadly). Most of us understand this, which is why a few of us (maybe more than a few) can use bi and pan interchangeably.

That's the thing. Sexualities, sexes, and  genders are different to each person. I could identify as genderfluid and/or bigender, but do I want to? No, because I prefer demigirl or female-aligned nonbinary. Will that change in the future? Hell if I know, but that's the damn point of sexuality and gender identities. There are different words for different people to understand who they are.

None of which are inherently phobic."

They basically responded by saying the same thing as the link. Again, i can't give the correct answer because i can't fucking see it goddamn it. I do remember them saying Pansexual is inherently bi and trans phobic.

To which I responded:

"Okay, I probably should have started with this but it's better late than never. This is a paragraph from the bisexual manifesto: "There are as many definitions of bisexuality as there are bisexuals. Many of us choose not to label ourselves at all, and find the word "bisexuality" to be inadequate and too limiting."

Even the official bisexual manifesto says (essentially) that it's okay to identify as something other than bisexual. While I don't really see that big of a difference between the two, other people do, and that's okay, as long as they acknowledge that bisexuality will always be inclusive to all genders etc etc.

It's just like omni and poly. These four mspec sexualities (bi, pan, omni, poly) broadly overlap and that's okay, because again, sexuality is not a box. It is fluid and ever changing. It is how one identifies themselves. Whether someone is bi, pan, omni, or poly, as long as we acknowledge our similarities, they are valid, and should NOT be put in a box that they don't want to be in."

And then they blocked me. Big yikes.

So that got me thinking about how I view bisexuality and pansexuality—and sexuality as a whole! I'm very easily discouraged (it's a curse honestly) and for a brief second, I thought that maybe I am just a bisexual. Maybe I should hate myself for even relating to pansexuality at all.

But then I slapped myself (figuratively) and reminded myself that sexuality, sex, and gender—though I might not completely understand it—is completely fluid. Being apart of the LGBTQ+ community does not mean you have to contort your body in some weird shape to fit into a tiny box. (Refer to the bisexual manifesto that I quoted earlier).

Bi, pan, omni, and poly broadly overlap, and to some people, it's the same thing. But that's a-o-fucking-kay. Because no matter what, no matter what name you go by, you are still valid and you are still you.

I will be myself and I will be unapologetically confident about it.

I will not be tagging the person, because this isn't a jab at them, this is just sending a message to any panphobic person out there.

[ffamranxii]

I just finished Fruits Basket Another and I have some Feelings, okay? Under the cut, because spoilers.

THE CHARACTERS

Hoooo boy let’s unpack here. Furubana is about Sawa Mitoma, a nervous first year in high school. She firmly believes that she’s basically human trash, and resolves to take up as little space in the world as possible, and that’s not even me paraphrasing. She says within the first few pages she wants to take up as little space as humanly possible. We find out that she’s the daughter of an extremely abusive mother - emotionally abusive. Sawa’s mother never hits her, but she’s also never once nice to her in any of her appearances. She isolates Sawa from any and all friends, she constantly drags Sawa down, and she’s rarely even at home, even back when Sawa was a little girl. How long has Sawa been looking after herself? Sawa is what Tohru could have become if Kyoko had been involved with a gang member rather than Katsuya. 

The main trio of characters is rounded out by essentially the same trio as before: Mutsuki Sohma as the son of Yuki and Machi and Hajime Sohma as the son of Tohru and Kyo. Visually, they look nearly identical, which is why I chose that ^ picture. But they could not be more different. Sawa is every Sohma insecurity rolled into one, and the Sohmas are what their parents could have been without the curse and the constant abuse. Hajime is one of the oldest of the cousins, smothered with love and affection by his entire family, and is lovingly referred to as Dad and Papa (which annoys him), being one of the few in the family who cooks, cleans, or is, y’know, responsible. (Good job, Kyoru! Teach your boy right!) He is unwillingly elected student council president, and manages it easily. Unlike his father’s life, things come easily to Hajime, but he doesn’t let that make him conceited. He’s a down to earth character who trades biting remarks with Mutsuki. Mutsuki, on the other hand, I love. I adore. I want to erect a shrine to this boy. Poor Yuki, his wife hath birthed him a miniature Ayame. Mutsuki is trouble under a beautiful exterior, subtle snark and gentle teasing, but over the top in other aspects (like his thing that was once a desk and complete inability to do the most basic of tasks like buy laundry detergent, his utter willingness to let other people do things for him). He is also a deeply caring individual, and has an extremely close relationship with his cousin Shiki which is the complete opposite of his father’s relationship with Shiki’s mother that I nearly cried right there while reading volume three.

Kinu Sohma is the daughter of Hatori and Mayuko (a pairing of which I am not fond), and I actually was not fond of her until volume three, at which point she became a treat. A college student, Kinu seems to have no real ambitions or life goals (much like many college freshmen), spends much of her time sleeping, and only really sweeps in at the last chapter to comfort a very distressed Sawa in the way only a fellow woman can, delivering a wonderful speech right up with Kyoko’s Words Of Wisdom about how no one has the right to treat you badly, even your own family. No one has the right to abuse you, demean you, hurt you. That is a curse. She actually uses the word curse, and it makes me wonder what her parents told her of the Sohma curse, if Hatori ever mentioned how Akito used to be, or how Shigure was such a piece of shit about the seahorse, and it made me love Hatori all over again, for teaching his daughter such a powerful thing. Volume three also gave wonderful interaction between Kinu and the entirely deranged (but perfectly appropriate) Hibika Sohma, the daughter of Ayame and Mine. Just like Hatori is the only one who has any sort of control over Ayame, Kinu is the only one who can reign in Hibika. I believe these two are the oldest, out of all of the cousins, because in volume two, Hibika just fucking jets off to Paris with no warning, at the top of one of her tiny tophats instead of setting up her parents’ second store, because she needed inspiration to create new dresses. I don’t think a high school student could do that. Hibika may possibly be the oldest (Kinu is still a minor at 19 [Japan’s age of adulthood is 20]), because I don’t think a minor could do that either. She’s obsessed with Sawa and playing dress up with her, something Kinu is able to reign her away from doing with ease. She’s only the tiniest bit toned down from Ayame. I love her.

Michi Manabe is the daughter of Kakeru and Komaki and is sometimes at odds with Hajime. My biggest complaint with Furubana is that she is not in it enough!! Despite not being a Sohma proper, Michi is included in nearly all Sohma activities and all the Sohma cousins know her. She and Mutsuki were raised as siblings and address each other as such, which is precious because awww, but also because Kakeru has a deep sibling bond with his half sister as an adult, Komaki (who I view as another Tohru in a way, from how she was introduced) made an effort to keep Yuki and Machi in their lives and comfortable, and Yuki and Machi both created a family unit with the one family member who wanted Machi around, a bond so strong that their children saw each other so much growing up that they refer to each other as siblings. How precious is that?? Poor Hajime is probably the only voice of reason Mutsuki ever had in his life because you know Michi is to Mutsuki what Kakeru would be to Ayame. God I need a Kakeru-meets-Ayame-centric episode right now. Yuki would DIE. Riku Sohma is one half of the twin siblings born to Haru and Rin, and while he looks like Haru, this boy is a lot like his mother. He doesn’t have the anger issues his parents have, not really (except for instance of punching out Hibika’s brother), but he can be a bit spacey, he’s very serious and literal, and he likes to sleep. Everywhere. This family and their sleep. It kills me. He also gets himself a cute little girlfriend, and because of his crush on this girl and his watching of her, he notices her wanting to reach out to Sawa, and Sawa makes her first friend (mostly) on her own in nearly her entire life! On the other hand, Sora Sohma, his twin sister, is cute and spacey, a bit ditzy, and looks like their mother but is 100% Haru. She has nicknames for everyone in the family, and never calls anyone by their actual name. She’s my second favorite character after Hibika. Sora reminds me very much of Usagi Tsukino: instead of seeing a person, Sora sees a friend.

Poor Chizuru Sohma should’ve been Yuki’s kid. Honestly I’m surprised Ayame and Mine don’t have more kids, given how passionate I’m sure they are. And while Chizuru loves his father, he does declare the man crazy (as does every other character, minus Mutsuki, who says he’s “the most terrific of all uncles”) on more than one occasion. Chizuru is the more responsible of the Ayame/Mine Sohma children, setting up the Ayame II shop essentially on his own until Mutsuki offers Sawa’s help as a part timer (because remember, Hibika decided to go to Paris for the week).  He hates that others view his family as eccentric and him as normal and especially hates when they comment on it, and he tends to be a bit foul-mouthed and outspoken. A bit like Hiro. Poor kid. Rio Mosca is Saki Hanajima’s boy and he is NOT KAZUMA’S SON AND THIS MAKES ME SO SAD. His parents’ love story is rather cute, however. His father is a foreigner (Italian, given that his surname is Mosca), and the two met on a plane, making this a cute little callback to when young Megumi prayed for a someone for Saki to “get on a plane and meet her.” Mina Sohma is the most precious baby and is the daughter of our boy Momiji! Although, look at her - could she be anyone else’s child? She is sweet and cute and seems to be without Momiji a lot - Momiji inherited his father’s business (which seems to be international?), and he travels all the time. Mina has a great talent for batting and rather than be privately tutored and follow her father all over the world, she stays behind in Japan to play baseball for her school. Her dream is to take over the family business from her father like he did from his. It seems Momiji’s terribly tragic story ended happily, as it seems he reconciled with his father enough to inherit his business... (more on this later). And then we have Shiki Sohma, who is surprisingly the son of Shigure and Akito! :O Shiki seems to inhabit two worlds, much like the Sohmas of Furuba. On the one hand, he is part of a generation who was raised by those healed by Tohru Honda. Loving, caring parents who love and adore their children. He has friends who care deeply for him - his best friends, despite all being in different grades, are Chizuru and Rio, and they all play Go together in the school club. His family are all deeply committed to him - Mutsuki especially is close to him, as seen in the first volume where Shiki was teased at but not seen, as Mutsuki called him to come to the house where he, Hajime, Kinu, and Sawa were having a hot pot with Michi, Riku, and Sora.  His parents both are and aren’t the Shigure and Akito we know from Furuba - Shigure is still the immature jokester and Akito is still the serious head of the family, but they both love their son immensely, totally and completely in a way that Akito remembers being loved as a child by her father, in a way that Shigure’s parents probably loved him. On the other hand, in volume three, it is shown that, being the son of the head of the family, and living in the Sohma compound, with the old servants, the “old timers,” and Ren, subjects Shiki to some truly horrific abuse the likes of which no other second gen Sohma child has had to go through. Shiki would greet guests who would give him gifts, only to find that within those gifts were notes badmouthing his mother. Ren attempted to stab him as a small child, something the old Akito would and has attempted on the first gen Sohmas, and it’s implied the only reason was because Shiki was Akito’s child. Akito threw herself in front of Ren’s knife and took the blow for her boy. Shiki is a quiet and withdrawn child, one foot in each of these worlds, and seemingly paralyzed over how to act. Much like Sawa, especially once she meets the Sohmas.

Remember I said we’d come back to Momiji’s happy ending? See that woman in the top left? That’s Momo Sohma, Momiji’s sister. In Furubana, Momiji has reconciled not only with his father, but with his sister as well! Momo appears to pick up Momo from the Sohma house; she is Momiji’s assistant and Mina seems to stay with her sometimes when Momiji is out of the country. Momiji has his family back!!! Speaking of families, Hinata Sohma, Hiro’s little sister, is all grown up and makes her own appearance in the third volume (and is a slight alcoholic, lol). She also mentions brothers - did Hiro did another sibling after his curse broke?? Megumi Hanajima makes an appearance as a teacher at Kaibara High School, and this is my second complaint about Furubana - there is not enough Megumi!! He grew up sexy! Second best glow up in the series after Momiji! It’s Megumi who tells the romantic story of how Saki met her husband on the plane. Also making an appearance is Makoto Takei, former student council president, unwilling witness to Haru’s natural hair color explanation. He is now a teacher as well, and Sawa and Riku’s homeroom teacher. He’s also still in love with Yuki, and lets Mutsuki get away with anything. He is often at odds with Ruriko Kageyama, the daughter of Motoko Minagawa of the Prince Yuki Fan Club. Ruriko has inherited her mother’s obsession, though unlike Motoko and Makoto (god those two would’ve made a great obsessed couple), Ruriko loves ALL Sohmas. I don’t understand how the worship of an entire family to stalker levels is an official school club but whatever. Ruriko is actually pretty cool, and while she’s pretty strict, she’s also on somewhat friendly (like, “person I talk to at school but nowhere else” type friend) terms with Sawa. 

THE STORY

I feel this can best be summed up in five sentences and in reverse: When Sawa was little, she fell down the stairs. She was found by Shiki, who simultaneously called an ambulance and fell in love with her. Her piece of shit mother sued Shiki because he was rich as shit. Ten years later, no Sohmas harbor any grudges against Sawa, her mother is still a piece of shit, the Sohma children are full of Tohru-and-Kyoko wisdom passed down from their parents, and try to help Sawa. And also they all hardcore ship Shiki/Sawa. The end. 

No seriously, that’s the story. It’s beautiful. I wish there was one or two more volumes, a cameo featuring the adults, it would be perfect. Could you imagine the terrible awkward jokes Shigure would make? “Honey look, Shiki’s in love with the girl he pushed down the stairs as a kid. Was marrying her one of the terms of the lawsuit? Hahaha.” And Akito would just be like “....baby, you and Sawa go outside while I smack your father, you don’t need to see this.” And the two go outside and we then see Shigure fucking fly through the paper door and a loud “YOU FUCKING MORON” follow him out with the classic -_- “did I say something wrong?” Shigure face. And Shiki is just a fascinating color of ruby fire about the cheeks and mumbles, “so yeah... that’s my father....” and Sawa is a similar color and staring at her shoes like “he seems nice...” and Akito opens the ruined door as though she didn’t just beat the shit out of her husband and calls out to them, “come and have tea, your father had to step out for a bit. Sawa, dear, I’d love to hear more about you. would you prefer jasmine tea or green,” because Akito has done a complete 180 and become a decent human being since becoming a mother and Shiki is EVERYTHING to her and if her son loves this girl then GODDAMNIT SO DOES SHE. 

[overanalyzingelswordiswhatido]

In Defense of Doom Bringer

Since I noticed a similar argument about Dominator and Doom Bringer that I did to Nova Imperator and Rage Hearts, I'm doing another analysis to explain why I think the canon path was the one that was picked to be it. I'm gonna do a similar kind of set up that I did comparing Nova Imperator and Rage Hearts. I'll first analyze and identify the problems with Dominator that make him... less "qualified" for the position of being canon based on the trends I noticed for both the canon and alternate (which I usually just call "alt") routes.

But first! Story time!!

I am an Add main. The thing that makes Add different than the other three characters I main though, is I ended up maining him completely on accident. See, my older sibling mains Battle Seraph Eve. And I made the mistake of partnering my Lunatic Psyker, who I was unceremoniously terrible at, with my older sibling's Battle Seraph. I googled him multiple times and just COULD NOT figure it out (my older sibling did the same and couldn't figure him out either) and I'm pretty sure it's because of all the fancy lengthy terminology cuz my eyes crossed at "Dynamo configuration mode". My older sibling ADORES Battle Seraph and wanted to play her every. Single. Day. And having partnered my Add with their Eve, I reluctantly played a character I was terrible at every. Single. Day. My older sibling carried me until... it was either late Lanox or early Atlas and I can't remember which exactly. THAT was when I finally managed to figure Lusa out. I came to really like playing Add once I finally figured him out. So yeah. I accidentally main Add.

ANYWAY, on to the proper analysis now. First and foremost. I've identified three problems?? Again?? Is that just gonna be the format for these??

Thing the first is Dominator's obsession with perfection.

I googled perfectionism for this analysis, just to be sure I knew what I was talking about. So enjoy this mini essay (paraphrased mostly from wikipedia) on that. Perfectionism, in its toxic form, drives the perfectionist to attempt to achieve unrealistic goals or unattainable ideals. It's also often accompanied with depression and low self-esteem (amongst other things those two are just the most common and I didn't want to list out every last thing). Perfectionists tend to dissociate themselves from their flaws and can not be very critical of themselves while simultaneously being overly critical of others in their attempts to achieve their idea(s) of virtue (or more accurately the illusion thereof) while hiding their flaws. "According to [Allan] Mallinger and [Jeanette] DeWyze, perfectionists are obsessives who need to feel in control at all times to protect themselves and ensure their own safety. By always being vigilant and trying extremely hard, they can ensure they not only fail to disappoint or are beyond reproach but that they can protect [themselves] against unforeseen issues caused by their environment."

The first part about seeking unrealistic goals or unattainable ideals is just a general Add thing tbh. They all do it and I'd be a fuckin hypocrite to claim otherwise in a character analysis. But the rest of that is all very specific to Dominator. He does not take criticism. He believes himself to be perfect while the world is what is wrong. And he hyper controls his environment to make it something he can feel safe in. And that kinda leads right into my second problem.

Thing the second is Dominator's need for a bubble. He literally creates his own virtual world just so that he can function. That virtual world changes to his whims. It is everything he needs it to be whenever he needs it. And he created it after the real world failed to accommodate him. After the real world failed to be what he needed when he needed it. I really get the feeling Dominator is trying to make a world he understands and can predict. He's trying to make the world he's ended up in through no choice of his own, one that he can be comfortable in.

Thing the third is the edge he's teetering on the verge of dropping off of. I really do get the impression that Dominator's entire route is scared and hiding behind confidence and a pretty face. As long as he's confident and seems like he's got his shit together, then he'll be taken seriously instead of being taken advantage of. But because of his bubble and his inability to take any sort of not positive comments about himself, he is probably the most severe case of character stagnation I've observed despite it being a trend in the paths I've put together into the alt routes. And a big trend with the canon routes is character growth. That kinda knocks Dominator off the possible list. On top of that, pulling him out of the bubble that causes his stagnation is more likely to result in a path to self-destruction that he won't be able to get off of before it reaches its end.

Now comes Doom Bringer. But first. I need to acknowledge a few things about him. He has also stagnated. The difference is in severity. Doom Bringer is more aware of the world and his place in it simply because he hasn't closed himself off to it (yet he might and I wouldn't be surprised). I think he'll also require being set on a path of self-destruction to get out of that stagnation. The difference there is, based on my analysis, I think Doom Bringer is more equipped to get off that ride so to speak and I'll be talking about that more a little later on in this. Doom Bringer also doesn't have nearly anywhere near Dominator's sense of responsibility and self-preservation or impulse control. Almost all of Doom Bringer's inhibition comes from something outside of himself, whether it's someone else or the situation he finds himself in (it's usually someone else probably). It also says a lot in Dominator's favor that he is the only Add that hasn't merged himself with something yet. Cuz I get the feeling that shit is REALLY dangerous. Also the fact that Doom Bringer merged himself with his Nasod Armor simply because he essentially got tired of it's upkeep says a lot about how well he thinks of possible consequences before taking an action (I'm pretty sure he just fucking doesn't). That being said, you can be completely irresponsible (comparatively speaking) and completely lack self control (again comparatively speaking) and still be farther along in your development than someone who has more control than you. And since Dominator is VERY focused on image while the only one who cares less than Doom Bringer is Mad Paradox, it makes sense that it would be like that.

The big thing Doom Bringer has going for him is his connections to the El Search Party. I'm gonna be honest. That's the only BIG difference between him and Dominator that I think makes him more "qualified" to be a canon route. I have no doubt Doom Bringer never intended to build connections with the search party (and I'll be doing an analysis later about those connections and how strong I actually think they are). He just wasn't as good as Dominator in closing himself off to them. The reason I've come to believe this is because I've noticed that in the Doom Bringer job path Add's face is very expressive, much more so than the other two. That in turn makes him easier to read whether he tries to hide things or not. People that are easily read tend to subconsciously drop their walls faster than they originally intend to and I don't think he was an exception to this. I think Doom Bringer accidentally got attached to the El Search Party and I'm not even sure he's FULLY realized it yet. But its that attachment and that relative openness (compared to Dominator we are still talking about Add after all) that puts Doom Bringer as the Add that is on the road to starting a recovery from all of his trauma. I think it's going to take slamming face first into the brick wall of failure and dealing with the resulting emotional turmoil but as I've said. Doom Bringer is the most equipped to be able to do that and come out the other side okay. Even if it is only because he has less reason to be apathetically accepting of it than the other two Add paths.

Anyway it was actually in trying to convince my younger sibling that Dominator was just as worthy of compassion as Doom Bringer and Mad Paradox that made it so I figured all of this out at all. And I honestly struggled with it a bit because while the canon paths are often the healthiest it was difficult to put into words why I think Doom Bringer fits that bill better because the two paths are so similar once you actually look past their exteriors. That and Dominator being the more responsible of the two made it harder for me to feel like I could adequately explain my thoughts on it without it sounding like I was just making excuses for Doom Bringer and/or hating on Dominator.

One last thing. I haven't really seen any other debates between character job paths that I think will prompt me to make another post like this one??? Like I saw something about Catastrophe deserving to be canon but it was just one person and it wasn't prevalent enough in the wider community that I feel the need to make a whole long winded analysis on it. So unless something new comes up or someone asks specifically I won't do another post like this. I'll be posting the path organizations I made based on the trends I've referenced both in this post and the Raven post in a bit. Once I finish detailing it out.

[schizosupport]

Callout post for mod Kit (by mod Kit)

Okay... listen. I found a very old webcomic I did.. And the description is like "This guy has a split personality, sometimes he's a psychotic killer, at other times a gentle soul" (paraphrased).... like some next level ableist bullshit. I just wanted to share, to say that even people who grow up to be advocates for mental illness and who were by all accounts already mentally ill at the time, make dumb n uninformed mistakes. 

This is not to say that you shouldn’t be mad at people who are ableist, or otherwise bigoted, but it can be worthwhile to open a dialogue with them, bc a lot of the time it’s simple ignorance.

At the time, I feel quite confident I didn’t even know what “psychotic” meant, or what “split personality(DID)” really is, I had just seen a bunch of pop culture tropes, thought it was cool, and assumed that “psychotic” essentially means “scary”. 

Unfortunately no one educated me at the time, but I eventually learned shit for myself (way before I stopped being in denial about my own struggle with psychosis).

My point here is: Education is key. We NEED to spread the word, so the number of uninformed people go down.

We won’t win this fight by attacking people who are making bad mistakes, but there’s also no reason to pull our punches when people have made an informed decision to be a bigot. We have to learn to see the difference.

People need to learn from their mistakes, and that means fostering a good learning environment. A teacher who punishes people for every little misstep is a shitty teacher. 

I wish someone had told me, in a matter of fact way, that what I’d done wasn’t okay. Or that there had been some major social platform at the time, and that an educational post had come my way. I would surely have learnt something.

We need more people fighting the good fight for DID, schizo- and psychosis spec awareness and positivity. We need to spread the word, so the teenagers of tomorrow won’t make the same shitty mistake that I did.

-mod Kit

[samdukewieland]

Stuck Inside Media Diary Week 3

People ask me (no one asks me) all the time why I don’t include the music or podcasts I listen to or books I read when I put this list together once a week. It’s pretty simple: I’m a huge dumbass.

Sunday, April 5

Better Call Saul, [Season 4] “Wiedersehen”, “Winner”, [Season 5] “Magic Man”

This was a real milestone for me, made me feel real good in a very inconsequential way. I got caught up to a show that is currently airing on TV;it’s true what they say: it’s a sprint not a marathon. It feels silly to say or compare BTS to Breaking Bad, and acting as if you can only like one by saying X is better than Y. The closest comparison that I feel “comfortable�� with making is that this is just a real Cheers vs. Frasier debacle. Both are close to, if not, model examples of their type and no one is gonna look down on you if you like them. Though there is a certain type of snobbishness to being a bigger Frasier/Better Call Saul fan-very white collar attribute.

Lady Macbeth, Oldroyd 2016 [as of now this is available on Hulu]

So I really only watched this because Florence Pugh is in this and I saw somewhere on twitter (what a source!) that it was essential viewing for Pugh-heads. Or something like that;I’m probably paraphrasing. Full disclosure: I have an enormous crush on Florence Pugh. Did this influence how much I liked this movie? I liked it fine, at a certain point you kinda go “I get it” and that’s about as much substance as it has, but man oh man, Florence Pugh is really good in this. Curious how much of this played a part in Ari Aster wanting her in Midsommar which she.....might just be too good for? I dunno man, there’s a lot of other things I’d rather do than talk about that movie. It reminded me of Revolutionary Road. How so? My senior year of college I borrowed it from a friend and when we had lunch like three weeks later and I gave it back to her she asked how I liked it and my honest to God reaction was “heh, man, how about that ending” which is 100% not the answer you want to give to a woman you have an innocent crush on who lent you her copy of Revolutionary Road.

Monday, April 6

After Hours, Scorsese 1985

I’ve owned this for a little over a year saving it for a special occasion or like when I feel like I’ve owed myself a little treat (that’s how much I believe in Martin Scorsese) so I watched it on my birthday. And because I am one of those assholes who posts what they’re watching or listening to on Instagram I had done that with this and one of my buddies who I just don’t text back because I’m busy with nothing and am bad at it (Cole and Max amongst others, this is for you!) said “the Safdies owe their whole shit to this and that’s okay.” Couldn’t’ve said it better myself. (Not since Uncut Gems have I felt a very specific kind of *wired* after a movie; granted it hasn’t been very long since I saw Uncut Gems, but let’s consider this one of those if you know you know things)

Tuesday, April 7

Killing Them Softly, Dominik 2012 [as of now this is available on Netflix]

Subtle is not a word I would use with some of the themes of this movie, but that just doesn’t really matter. This movie’s rad as hell and it doesn’t make a ton of sense that I hadn’t seen it until last week. Like, what a tense goldmine of character actors and this might be the first time I’ve heard Mendelsohn speak in his natural speaking voice (the episode of Girls that he’s in where he plays Jessa’s dad might actually be the first, but he’s supposed to be British in that and it’s been a while since I’ve seen that episode, so I’m just guess off the top of my head that he put a twist on his voice). Like Sam Shepard is the 8th guy in this movie! What a great audition tape to submit to Fincher.

The Plot Against America, “Part 1”

David Simon is my favorite dramatist in Television and it takes a lot of effort for me to keep with his shows. I don’t know why. The first time I watched The Wire I watched like 5 or 6 episodes and took maybe a month long break and picked it back up. He makes ear-worms, stuff that get’s lodged in my brain as responding very positively to what he makes (the same thing happened with Treme [never finished], Show Me A Hero [never finished] and The Deuce [never finished]) and I really don’t want it to happen again. He just tends to make stuff you have to be very dialed in for and my brain, for the most part, is mush a lot of the time. I will finish this though. Also I’ve never read the book (but I definitely own it!) so I don’t know how it holds up to source material blah, blah, blah.

Wednesday, April 8

The Running Man, Glaser 1987

I just wanted to watch Total Recall. This was the next best thing available on my DVR. It is not Total Recall (I’m sure it’s a very well known story and I just don’t know it, but is there a story about why Ventura doesn’t fight Arnold at the end? Seemed weird). Also Mick Fleetwood is in this and plays an interracial part to the resistance and his “character’s” name is “Mic.”

Thursday, April 9

Better Call Saul “50% Off”

Brooklyn Nine-Nine “Valloweaster”

For the record, I’ve been watching B99 all season and I just haven’t thought to add this. Same deal with Top Chef (see below). Have loved this season so far, but they’ve hit their stride (which they always do) in the last three weeks. Love that they still incorporate the Halloween heist in different capacities even though they don’t have episodes in the Fall anymore.

Top Chef Season 17, Ep. 4

Great episode. Sometimes it takes Top Chef about 3 or 4 episodes to really get going and the lower tiered competitors are starting to get on the nerves of higher tier chefs and the sense of urgency, re: competition finally has a fire lit under it. I also love that when this show first started whenever they had to do a vegetarian challenge the general consensus was “ah fuck this, I don’t know how to do that.” 

Onward, Scanlon 2020 [as of now this is available on Disney+]

I started watching this at like 1 in the morning, because I needed to watch something for the day, because I’m trying to keep this streak going. Whatever, it sucks that Pixar has to meet a quota or something now-a-days (have I mentioned that I had to travel in the snow when I went to school and that it was up-hill both ways). I guess if there was one for them that they could kind of just shoo off to the Ploos early they got lucky that it was this one. Again, whatever.

Friday, April 10

Best Friends, Jewison 1982

Man, Goldie Hawn was great. Man, Burt Reynolds was an underrated comedic actor and also very hot.

Better Call Saul, “The Guy For This”

Saturday, April 11

Better Call Saul, “Namaste”, “Dedicado A Max”, “Wexler V. Goodman”, “Jmm”, “Bagman”

I’m gonna miss my binge days of BTS, but again, this feels like a real accomplishment that I got here. Love this damn show.

The Untouchables, De Palma 1987

Kevin Costner has such cop-face in this movie and it’s almost like Andrew Garfield in Silence: I don’t know if I particularly like it and this is such a punchable face that I have to stare at for so long, but maybe that’s the point?

I made a DeNiro Top 5 and I might have regrets now for making it before seeing this, because you rarely get to see unhinged Bobby D and it is fun. As fun as the “another coat of glaze” performance Connery has in this movie (that beat out Albert Brooks in Broadcast News, something 1987 Sam would’ve come unglued at). Fun movie that is so bizarrely lauded-maybe a perfect time capsule movie for when it came out. It also made me realize that De Palma is like a better Tim Burton, because he has better friends.

[to-dance-beneath-the-diamond-sky]

@jollystyles replied to your post “My therapist essentially just bitch slapped my mom so hard and I’m...”

i need context

Hi love. So basically my mom is extremely intrusive, overbearing, and controlling (among many other pleasant qualities lol).  This morning she was mad at me for not having vacuumed the carpet in the hallway yet and she was going on and on about how I’m disrespectful, lazy, entitled, inconsiderate, ungrateful, etc. etc.  So she was mad because I hadn’t vacuumed even though she asked me to do it the day before, along with plenty of other things, all of which I did, and how I never do anything and I never help out and how I’m so disrespectful for ignoring her and not listening and not caring about anyone but myself yadda yadda ya.  Anyways, she wound up saying how I was the one being unreasonable and she was right and even my therapist would agree that I was wrong and bad and all that crap.  

Fast forward to two hours later when I had an appointment with my therapist and she wanted to talk about the email from my mom, which I’d had no prior knowledge of, but it wasn’t hard to figure out what it was.  Basically my mother went and sent my therapist this long-ass email about how she was “concerned” for me and what was reasonable expectations given my “current health” and it was basically just her trying to tattle tale on me to my therapist about how I didn’t vacuum and listen to her and how that was “concerning” and she wanted advice on how to deal with me and my “situation” and “problems.”  I’m not even going to get into how fucking inappropriate and disrespectful this is of her, and how many times we have had this discussion about boundaries and that it is not appropriate for her to be emailing my therapist without my consent or knowledge and how I am not at all comfortable with that, and how she treats me like an elementary school child even though I’m twenty fucking one.  In short, we’ve had this problem many times before and she has zero respect for any boundaries that I have and continues to blatantly disregard any and all agreements as to what is and isn’t appropriate and what boundaries I have.  But I won’t rant about that here because that’s a whole other set of issues.

Anyways, a few hours later my therapist emailed my mother back and ccd me on it, and basically just called her out for being “unreasonable” and all.  And then she verbally bitch slapped my mother so hard with the following well-placed words: “Like I have said in the past, I believe the entire family needs to learn more effective communication strategies and I continue to encourage either family therapy or that you and John [my father] enlist a therapist of your own to work on these ongoing battles and frustrations.” And it was fucking beautiful.

But then, it got even better. My mother, never able to bite her fucking tongue, emails back saying how the issues between her and my dad are private and only between the two of them and she hopes that my therapist will respect their privacy.  And then she goes and makes a snide comment about how they’re already spending so much on treatment for me and how expensive it is and all that crap.  So then my therapist replied again and this time she just fucking ended her.  Just bitch slapped her soooo hard.  It was the most beautiful thing ever.  It was just perfect.  I can’t even paraphrase because the whole thing was just fucking perfect. I have to quote word for word because it was the best thing I’ve ever heard.

“Then by what you're saying it sounds like this is something that should be discussed between you and John or by you getting your own therapist to help you determine what is and is not big enough an issue to make into something more.  I am here to provide support and guidance in helping Jillian [me] reach her personal goals and I cannot also be the one to help you figure out parenting strategies at the same time.  Like I said, Jillian and I will continue working towards her personal independence goals, though I cannot make promises about change. I'm sorry if you're frustrated that I continue to put this back on you, but I don't see how things will ever get better if there is only one person in this three-person problem that will work on themselves.”

She just ended her.  Fucking roasted her ass.  Destroyed her.  And I am so happy because no one--no one--has ever, ever had the balls to call my parents out on their bullshit and inappropriate and abusive behaviors.  Literally every single doctor/therapist/psychiatrist/etc that I’ve had recognizes and agrees and tells me that the way they treat me is not okay or healthy and how they’re abusive and they cause a lot of the problems.  But no one has ever said that to my parents, who always have, and always will maintain that I am the one with problems and issues and it’s me and my issues that cause all of the other problems in the family.  They love to use me and my mental illness and health issues as a scape goat for just about every shitty thing/problem imaginable.  Doesn’t matter what it is, it’s somehow a result of the problems I cause for them and everyone by being “mentally ill” and how that’s so stressful and hard for them to “deal” with me and my issues.  And they have never done anything to contribute to it or the other issues, ever, no they’re 100% right about everything and they have never done anything wrong and they don’t need to change anything and I need to change because I’m the problem and everything is my fault.  (In short my parents  are incapable of realizing or comprehending that I am not the only one with issues and shit, and they are just as much to blame as I am).

Wow sorry this was such a fucking rant.  I just got a bit carried away lol.  Anyways, I hope you have a lovely day.

Lots of love, -Lia

[buckyismyaesthetic]

Punk (Chap. 8)

Summary: You’re head over heels for your best friend Bucky and hate the nickname he gave you as it doesn’t exactly scream romance.

Word count: 4284...oops

Warnings: Same as always

A/N: Okay here it is chapter 8.  Let me know if the flow of this chapter is okay, if it makes sense.  I’d like to get a better feel of how I construct scenes so I can improve for the future.  I LOVE feedback, you have no idea.  So don’t be afraid to lemme know how you feel!

Also, there is a line in here with an asterisk (*) after it.  It is a paraphrase from Criminal Minds season 3 episode 8 said by Penelope Garcia to Derek Morgan and it is something that has always stuck with me and I just thought it was so perfect for this chapter.

Perhaps watching Investigation Discovery’s documentary on the world’s most notorious serial killers at one o’clock in the morning while finishing off the leftover apple pie in an essentially deserted tower wasn’t the smartest move.  Every sound was suddenly more sinister and every shadow could be hiding a deranged murderer who wanted nothing more than to chop off your head and keep it in the freezer, which had startled you so badly when it spit out ice cubes into its inner bin that you spilled an entire glass of water on Ferdinand who ran shrieking from the room and knocked over what was probably a very expensive vase. Fuck.

But you’d already fallen into the vortex of twisted true-crime stories and you weren’t likely to surface anytime soon. It was like watching a car crash. But it was a welcome distraction from your train wreck of an evening and took your mind off, however briefly, of the endless ebb and flow of self-loathing thoughts plaguing your mind. So if listening to psychologists throw out theories about psychopaths and narcissists and human behaviour made you forget your own personal problems, then so be it.  Bring on the gore.  

An hour later the pie was gone, you hated yourself and lack of self-control, and both the Zodiac Killer’s and Jack the Ripper’s identities were still unknown.  The thought was unsettling.  How had they gotten away with all that they’d done?  Did they have help?  Hydra, you thought wickedly.  Or the Illuminati…or vampires...Freddy Krueger…Jason Voorhees…Michael Myers…You glanced around the dark, still living room. The others wouldn’t be home until closing time and the nearest person was at least three floors away….you glared around at the shadows…did that book case always look so….shelfy? Was the kitchen clock always so...aggressive?  Tick!…tock…tick!…tock…

The faint sound of the elevator door opening had you springing from the couch, knocking the empty pie dish and all of its crumbs onto the carpet with a clang, and diving to the floor.  Some brave Avenger you were.  “Pssst, F.R.I.D.A.Y?!” why you were whisper-shouting was beyond you. “Is there a murderer in the building?”

“Several highly- trained assassins, including yourself, currently call this tower home,” the A.I. responded...AT A NORMAL FREAKING VOLUME! Great, now the murderer knows I’m here! Tony couldn't make a stealth-bot, could he?  Something that understood the subtleties of surviving a serial killer!

Ok that might have been a tad dramatic. “Hey!  I’m not an assassin! I’m an Avenger!  It’s different!” you hissed.  “I’m not, like, a serial killer,” you grumbled.

“Serial killer is such an ugly term.  I was a specialized weapon and not by choice might I add.” Bucky’s soft, sarcastic voice came from behind you causing you to yelp and jump nearly a foot in the air.  

“Oh my god, you scared the shit outta me!”  Your hand was on your heart as it jackhammered against your sternum, something you were fairly certain Bucky could hear even from ten feet away.

Bucky laughed and flipped on the light, bathing the room in a soft, yellow glow.  Immediately, you threw yourself back on the couch and grabbed the soft, plush blanket you’d been using as a shield during your murder stories.  Hopefully, if you tucked the edges around your face at just the right angles, he wouldn’t notice your red, puffy eyes and runny makeup. But you’d avoid making eye contact just for good measure.  And, for the first time since you’d met him, you wished he’d go away.  Bucky Barnes was not someone you wanted to see anymore of tonight.

“What’re you doin’ home?” Your voice was muffled like you have a bad head cold and you cringed, hoping he’ll just think you’re tired rather than you’d spent the better part of the evening blubbering uncontrollably.

Bucky shrugged, leaning against the wall.  “Didn’t feel up to it anymore.  What’re you doin’ here?  They uh, they said you left with uh, some guy.”

The uncertainty in Bucky’s voice caught your attention and your head whipped away from the television to look at him.  Why was he making that face? He looked like he couldn't believe the words coming out of his mouth.  “They said you left with some guy.”  A wave of anger bubbled up.  What, like it was so preposterous?!  You felt your brow furrow and upper lip curl at the thought.

You nod curtly.  “Yeah.  I did.” Technically it was the truth.  You had walked out of the club with a man.

Bucky cleared his throat.  “He here?” He looks around for any sign of company; taking in the discarded pie tin and your change in attire since he’d seen you a few hours earlier.  Your jaw clenched in anger.  Thanks for the reminder, Buck, that no, you were not the only man to be repulsed by me this evening and yeah, I ate all the fuckin’ pie, so back off!

Why was he even asking you these questions? Clearly, he already couldn't imagine a male specimen being remotely interested in you.  So what?  He wanted confirmation or something?  Did he need to hear it to actually get some fucking closure?  Is that what he wanted?  Your confirmation that, no, no man in his right mind would ever want to get involved with you?  Fine, then he could have it.  “No,” your voice was laced with underlying anger.  “He’s not here.”

Bucky nodded and locked eyes with you, taking in the red, puffy lids, before you turned away again.  If you looked at him too long, the mixture of sad, angry tears would return as you faced the truth that someone who looked like that would never want someone who looked like you. “He didn’t try anything?...Did he?”

And you fucking lost it.

“Excuse me?”  He’d sounded if the mere notion of a man coming home with you was simply unbearable to think about.  Really?  It’s that implausible?!  An anger you hadn’t known existed welled up inside.  It was as if your heart, engulfed in flames, was pumping out waves of white hot rage through every vein.  You pushed yourself up from the couch and faced Bucky like an angry tiger poised to strike.  Never in a million years did you think you would look at Bucky like this.   You’re fists were clenched painfully and your teeth were bared as you snarled, “What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”

Bucky had the decency to look afraid.  His glacial blue eyes widened as he pushed off from the wall and stepped closer to you, hands held up in defense. “Wh-what—I d—”

“No, explain to me what the fuck that’s supposed ta mean!”  Your roar had stopped him in his tracks as you trembled with rage. But the dam had broken, letting all the pain and anger you had been holding in, all of the fears and insecurities you'd been holding on to, come tumbling out.  “What, so no one could ever wanna try somethin’ with me?!  Is that it?!  That I’m not worth it? Not good enough?  Huh?!  Is it that farfetched an’ ridiculous ta think that someone could ever wanna have sex with me?!”  

“No!  No, that’s not what I—”  Bucky sputtered in horror but you cut him off, erupting like Mount Vesuvius.  Your rage raining down around the once peaceful living room.  

“No no no, go ahead! Explain it to me,” you challenged, throwing your hands in the air.  “Tell me what you really think!  That nobody could possibly want someone who looks like me!  Maybe you wouldn’t stoop so low as ta give me a second look but that doesn’t mean that someone less superficial wouldn’t*!  Just because you’re perfect doesn’t mean that everyone who isn’t doesn’t deserve to be liked in some way!”  Your voice broke a little at the end and the fact that Bucky just stood there, hands covering his mouth slightly, looking completely shocked, did nothing to quell your fury.

“I—I didn’t—what I—”

But you were beyond listening to him.  Your rage wasn’t over.  And even if you knew logically that it really wasn’t his fault that he wasn’t attracted to you, that people like who they like, the fact that Bucky, your best friend Bucky, the man you loved whole-heartedly, body and soul, didn’t find you attractive in any way, shape, or form, well, that shattered your heart into a million little pieces.  And that made you fucking furious.

And as hurt as you were that Bucky wasn’t interested and that he thought you so abhorrent that you could never manage to snag a man, you were mostly angry at yourself for even liking Bucky in the first place!  It was ridiculous to have allowed yourself to fall so completely for someone like him. And forget what he looked like—He was a fucking superhero for fuck’s sake!  He saved the world!  He protected the weak and injured and innocent. He sacrificed his life, his sanity, for his country.  He fought back against his tormenters.  He fell apart and picked himself back up again after all he was forced to do and had the goddamn nerve to beg for forgiveness for crimes he had no responsibility over.  Bucky Barnes was a goddamn treasure.  Who the fuck did you think you were to covet it?

You were a complete moron and, in fact, you were so goddamn enraged with yourself that you had begun to both cry and laugh humorously at the same time.  It was as if you no longer had any control of your emotions.  It was fucking laughable!  This whole thing was entirely ridiculous!  The tears began to flow freely as you realized what a complete joke your life was at this point.  

Everything leading up to this horrific moment was your fault and yours alone.   It all could’ve been avoided if you had just kept your mouth shut and went back to your dorky, pathetic, loveless existence.  Then you would still have Bucky’s friendship, your money, and whatever fucking dignity you possessed in the first place.  But that was all out the window now!  Now you were destroying it all.

“And to think I did all of this stupid shit just to—to get you to—and you didn’t even notice!”  You laughed darkly at your own stupidity.  “All this effort, and money and time, and for what?  Nothing!”

Bucky pressed his hands through his hair, completely bewildered at the scene before him, when he stopped short.  “What?” His eyebrows knitted and the colour drained from his face. “What’re you—what’d’you mean?” His voice was but a whisper. It annoyed you.  What’d’you mean ‘what’d’you mean?’?!  

You rolled your eyes obnoxiously.  “I mean that I’m a fucking idiot for thinking that a dress and some makeup would make you see me any differently,” you seethed. When he continued to stare at you completely dumbfounded you sighed and quietly added, “I know what kind of girls you like… I saw you the other night…at Luke’s.”

“You were there?”  Bucky stepped forward again, looking at you with wide eyes. His voice was low and serious and he shook his head as he spoke. “You saw-? Look, that wasn’t—”

“You don’t hafta explain.  I was there. I know.”  You stepped back from him, shaking your head sadly.  Fat tears fell away from your cheeks and rained down to the floor.    “And I’m so stupid.”  Your voice cracked with emotion and you took in a shaky breath before continuing.  “I did all of this, the hair and makeup and clothes, but I can’t compete with girls like that.”  There it was.  Out in the open.  You’d finally admitted the truth; you weren’t good enough, attractive enough, for Bucky.

And when he just continued to stare at you, looking more and more horrified at your confessions, another wave of tears spilled over, choking your voice even more.  “Who was I kidding!?  I must’ve been out of my goddamn mind to think that all of this would work.  That you’d actually–”

It was Bucky’s turn to interrupt you.  He waved his arms to stop you and, with a voice filled with complete and utter bewilderment, “A—are you saying that this was all for me?  Why? Why would—”

You couldn't bare this.   Your face screwed up to stop more sobs from escaping; your chin trembled with the effort. It was too much.  Actually having to stand there and listen to Bucky’s rejection, to his horror at your crush, no.  That was too much.  The look on his face, the shock, it was like a knife had been plunged into your heart. He’d had no idea how you felt. And now he was completely thrown, absolutely stunned.   Your anger surged once again.  Was it really so foreign for him to think that you could actually like him?  Or that anyone could like you?

“Why would you fall for it?” you asked, finishing his question for him.  “I’ve been asking myself that all night because clearly it didn’t work!” you cried causing Bucky’s mouth to drop open.  “Congrats, you can’t be fooled!  Apparently just because Y/N tries to dress like a girl, doesn’t mean she is one!  To think for a second you'd see anything other than a reject, a whale, in a dress…” you shook your head dejectedly. “What was I thinking?”

“I—I just—”

“And to top it all off, you were right!  Ethan isn’t here!”  You laughed wetly as the endless river of tears fell.  You displayed your arms widely as you spoke. “He didn’t want to come home with me. Why the hell would he, right? Look at me!  No no no, it was just another delusional fantasy of mine.  To think that I could actually get a guy to be attracted to me in some way, oh my god, it’s fucking laughable, right?!  So let’s all take a moment and bask in your wonderful ability to be see the fucking future and come home to find me all alone, just as you expected.”  Three sharp claps sounded around the living room, making Bucky wince.  “Happy?” you demanded.

He stepped closer, reaching for your hand.  His eyes welled up and his lower lip was shaking ever so slightly.  “No, no, Punk, you’ve got it all wrong, that’s not what—”

“STOP FUCKING CALLING ME THAT!”  You ripped your arm away from his grasp, causing Bucky to freeze, his arm still out stretched towards you.  You’d never pulled away like that before.

His lips gaped open like a fish as he searched for something to say.  You, on the other hand, were panting heavily as if you’d just run a mile.  Hastily, you used your shirt collar to dab at the steady stream of tears.  

It was certainly a night of new territory for you two. Not once had you ever mentioned how you felt about that particular nickname.  That every time he called you that you felt a little part of your heart breakaway, shrivel up, and die like a flower dropping petals as the seasons change. No, you’d just responded when he said it, your head turning in his direction, knowing it was you he was talking to as less and less frequently the term was directed towards Steve.  You were the punk.  Just you.

Bucky cleared his throat and swallowed hard, pursing his lips.  “Y/N, I—I don’t…” He stopped to clear his throat again and rapidly blinked his glassy eyes.

“Just forget it, Barnes.”

“Barnes?  Barnes?”  Taken aback by the use of his last name, Bucky sounded both hurt and offended.  You’d never called him anything but some shortened form of ‘Bucky’, something that was always laced with affection.   “You never call me—”

“Well, it’s a helluva lot better than being someone’s punk, don’t ya think?” you snapped.  “I looked it up.  I know what I mean to you.  And I am fucking sick of it.  I’ve never felt so fucking stupid in my entire life.  Here I am pining after you, praying to gods I don’t believe in that you’ll feel the same way when all you see is this—this disgusting, thing and I—I can’t—I can’t take it anymore.”

“No, Y/N, just—just let me explain,” Bucky begged moving towards you again, but with each step closer he took, the more you backed away, making his face twist in an unrecognizable expression. Each breath felt like a thousand razor blades scraping against your lungs.  Was this heartbreak?  Or humiliation?  Or was it something more?  Whatever it was, it was unbearable.

“That’s the thing,” you whispered.  “You don’t hafta explain anything.  I get it.  I already know.  You’ve made it painfully clear.”  A loud sob racked through you causing your whole body to shake.  You couldn't meet Bucky’s eyes anymore.  It hurt too much.  You weren’t afraid to see hate there.  No, Bucky didn’t hate you, not even after all of this.  But you knew you'd find pity there.  Pity for the poor, pudgy, pathetic, punk that was in love with a man so obviously out of her league.  

“I’m sorry,” you whispered into the ensuing silence. What you were sorry for you weren’t quite sure.  For making a scene?  For ruining a friendship? For taking your self-hatred and insecurities out on an innocent bystander?  For shouting at Bucky for not feeling the same way?  For falling in love with him in the first place?  

Or were you sorry for being ugly and fat and embarrassing? Or for being terrible at being a girl?  

Probably all of it.  

Yeah, all of it.

A hot wave of embarrassment hit as your mind, at lightning speed, ran through all that had transpired since Bucky had walked in on your mini television marathon.  The anger had all but drained away and was rapidly being replaced with mortification at your words and actions.  Had you really just spilled your guts to Bucky?  Did you actually reveal your feelings?  Oh god, you’d told him all of your insecurities.  Admitted your embarrassing and failed attempts to seduce him.  Panic, hot and intense, surged up, triggering your fight-or-flight response.  

And you gave in.

And you ran.

“Y/N, wait! Don’t leave!  Please don’t leave,” Bucky called.  

You could hear his footfalls behind you, but instead of bolting for the once safe haven that was your room, you turned down the long hall, and shouted for F.R.I.D.A.Y to shut the elevator doors the moment you set foot in it.  Turning as the doors closed, you saw Bucky running towards you.  He was shouting for you to stop.  But he reached the doors too late and collided into them with the thud of metal on metal as they sealed you away.

The last thing you heard was the strangled cry of your name as the elevator descended deeper into the tower.

                                                       ***

 Please be here. Please be here.  The elevator doors couldn't open fast enough.  Each racking sob at what has just happened upstairs threatened to break you apart.  Almost on autopilot you found yourself knocking loudly on the door, making it rattle in the frame.  Please, please be home.

 A sleepy, bleary eyed Clint Barton ripped the door open, ready to rage at the dipshit who had the nerve to wake him up when he had to leave at the ass crack of dawn for a mission he was less than thrilled to go on.  “What the fu—?”

He stopped short to see you standing there, sobbing uncontrollably, in the dead of night.  

“I’m s-sorry.  I’m s-so- s-sorry,” you hiccoughed, trying to sign to him at the same time, before noticing that he’d shoved at least one hearing aid in before answering the door.  She’s not here,  she’s not home yet. “I-I thought Nat w-would—and you hafta go soon—I’m—I’m ”

Clint’s arm shot forward and pulled you roughly to his chest and into Natasha’s room closing the door behind you.  “Stop, that doesn’t matter.  What happened?  What’s wrong? Are you hurt?”  His hands cupped your face and he feverishly looked you up and down for any signs of injury.

You shook your head but continued to blubber letting hot tears fall onto his fingers.  

Clint pulled you to his chest, allowing you to cry onto his t-shirt, and stroked your hair soothingly.  He moved you both to the bed where he laid with you in his arms. “Talk to me, kid.  What happened?”

And you spilled your guts about everything. About recruiting Nat and Wanda to try to make you pretty, about falling in love with Bucky, about not being thin enough or pretty enough or womanly enough for him.  And you told him how much you hated every single thing about yourself because it just wasn’t right or normal or cool.  And then you sputtered unintelligibly for a while because it all sounded so unbelievably stupid when you said it out loud.

“Shh, Y/N, it’s okay.  It’s gonna be okay,” Clint whispered, kissing your hair.

“No, it’s not,” you wailed, your voice muffled against his chest.  You sniffed loudly.  “I ru-ruined ev-everyth-thing.”  As you retold the events of the evening, both at the club and in the living room, Clint let you sob without interruption.  His hands rubbed up and down your back as you shook in his arms.

“Why doesn’t anyone like me?” Clint’s heart clenched sharply at your words.  “Why doesn’t he like me? I—I just want t-to be pretty.  Why can’t I be pretty?”  

“Y/N, are you kiddin’ me?  You’re beautiful,” Clint whispered against your hair.  These confessions of yours had come to a complete shock to him.  But your revelations about what you really thought about yourself made him angry.  How could you think these things?  Why did you think these things?  How could you make him see what to him is so obvious?

Ignoring his proclamations, you cried harder, your frame shaking the whole bed as you curled against his side, fists curled in his shirt as a pain you’d never before experienced fell over you.  And the only thing you could do was ride it out.

When you were done, when you’d exhausted both the story and your body, when you were all used up and were completely void of tears, when every emotion had finally poured its way out of you, you fell silent against him.  Clint stroked your back absently and it wasn’t until your breathing had slowed and evened out that he realised that you’d fallen asleep against him.

Sometime later the door creaked open and Nat wandered in, shoes in hand.  She let her dress pool at her feet as she slipped into one of Clint’s t-shirts and crawled into bed behind you.  The dip in the bed pulled Clint out of his sleep and he squinted around in the darkness. Nat flicked a small nightlight on.

‘Hi, baby,’ she signed to him.  ’What’s Y/N doing here? Everything okay?’  Her brow furrowed in concern.

Clint sat up slightly with a yawn, gently placing you back on the pillow.  Once he tucked the hearing aids in snuggly he relayed in a sleepy whisper what you’d told him.  Nat remained silent, her expression growing graver with each passing moment.  She’d begun combing her fingers carefully through your hair as Clint spoke.    Your eye lids were red and puffed up from crying and roughly wiping away the tears with your hand.  Even in sleep Natasha could see that you weren't peaceful.

Her gaze moved from your tired form to her boyfriend. He looked so dejected.  One of his hands was still wrapped around you but the other had found Natasha’s.  He gripped her fingers tightly, rubbing a thumb against the soft skin on the back of her hand.   Nat smiled and brought his fingers to her lips, leaving a soft kiss there.

“Thank you for taking care of her,” Nat mumbled against his skin, her voice flowing with love and gratitude.

Clint smiled but it didn’t reach his eyes.  “I’ll always take care of her.  I’ll take care of the both of you.  Don’t ever thank me for that,” he whispered.

Nat nodded and whispered, “I love you.”

“Not as much as I love you.” When she rolled her eyes in denial at the proclamation Clint chuckled softly.  The movement caused you to stir and you rolled over to face Natasha. Sleepily, you opened your eyes which were still sticky with half-dried tears.  “Nat,” you croaked.  “I—I’m sorry, an—and Clint’s le-leavi—”

She shushed you and snuggled closer, tucking your head under her chin, effectively cutting off an unnecessary apology. Clint moved closer behind you and you felt the two lovers joined hands resting on your back.  Nat’s other hand was still stroking your hair as she whispered kind words and your blubbering ceased to silent tears falling on the pillow. Nat kissed your forehead softly.

Clint’s low voice vibrated through your back.  “It’s okay, kiddo.  Everything will be okay.”  You murmured softly at his words as sleep claimed you once again in the warmth of their arms.

“Babe?”

“Hmm?”

“Why?”  

Natasha didn’t have to ask him to clarify.  She knew exactly what he was asking.  Why did you think those things?  Why did you, a lovely, beautiful woman, think you were so repulsive? Why didn’t you see what he saw, what Nat saw, what everybody else saw?  Why didn’t you believe them?

“I dunno.  I don’t understand it either,” she replied glumly.  

“I hate it.”

“Me too, baby.  Me too.”

And like that, hands clasped tightly, holding the broken girl together between them, they drifted off into an uneasy sleep.

TAG LIST:  You know how much tumblr annoys me with its tag issues. 

@hymnofthevalkyries @andimadeitawkward @annadier @notsoprettykitty @4theluvofall  @thewinterher0 @avengerofyourheart @fab-notfat @danimuhle @sleepretreat @sociallyimpairedme @iamwarrenspeace @markandjackaremysuperheros @unevenpages @itsjuliefloyd @grabdatgem @fantasticimpaladoctor @criminalist @reedsreadsreviews @duetly @crapythings @anxiouslittleghst @38leticia  @ro-52 @mora-firestone @plumsforbuck2016 @colouredwater @happelu970 @spoopyjamesbarnes @magickm00nlady  @amyyleblanc1999 @lunarwolf13oo @rougedemigods  @allheart36 @bxtchybrie  @lady-sloan @hek-diddly-darn @wintersdoll @sarcasticvodka @garibaypau @xllxni @eileenlikesyou-maybe @mayfeather27 @allofthesearetakendafuq @leoberosis @widowsfics @smilingkat @musichowler @lillian-paige @that-one-third-wheel3 @oceanilserain @namastay-in-bed-2002  @immaturityisthekeytoimmortality  @kaiyaisbae @cojootromuelle @chin-up-love @abigrumple @harrysbbby @k-nighttt @accidentally-in-hell @givemethatgold  @just-call-me-your-darling @winterboobaer  @kissingwintergoodbye @chasing-after-rock-and-roll @sarcasmdressedinjeans   @bootsthemonkeykat  @my-little-texas-tornado @zohoffman @the-witching-hours12-3   @summerbummer2001   @helloitspattes  @tomlinsonlovers @superscrat  @borntodieabitch @bitchy-tacos @silent-yet-significant @jacks-on-krack @cry-me-a-fkin-river @basicallybucky @stucked82 @loveyourselfcreateyourself @brokenanxiety @smile-sugar @pederol  @gallifreyanass @yesiamdeliciouslycaffeinated @sirtheoraeken @kelso7116 @cami23593 @wydari  @ancchor @theariel85 @lissabelle116 @snugglebuck  @ifoundlove-x0vanessa0x @bemself123 @promarvelfangirl @do-you-mind-if-i-slytherin1 @anitavalija @theassetseyeliner  @mcuofstucky @feelmyroarrrr @sarahsassafras13 @amrita31199 @abovethesmokestacks @tearsandbloodofmyenemies @thebabewiththepwr  @mrshopkirk  @callmebucky-doll  @ursalaismymiddlename   @nopevilleluas @thatawkwardtinyperson @theloveablesociopath @whintersoldiers @eireannhwb @wandering-at-midnight @lenia1d @marvel-lucy @confuzzled-panda @5-seconds-of-sebastian-stan @claryfray1698 @echelonwonderland @melconnor2007   @seb-smut  @john-benderr @gerardwayisapotato @wonder-carolina @imsecretlyromanburki  @readingtoescape @katie-katie-bishop  @skeletoresinthebasement @dolthiac @curlyxtomato  @tatortot2701 @dasani-saraai @buckyb-avengers @iamliife @winchesterandpie @cumonbucky @justreadingfics @graescaled @jenn48041 @twisted1ginger @gingerbatchwife @lynnscreams @camerica96 @pollywannacracker555 @lostinspace33 @shy2shot @thenikeswish @kanupps06 @iambuckysbitch

@blacwings-and-bucky-barnes @avasmommy224 @anonymousbambi @elysiannostalgia @mariathedorkydragon @hating-life-rn @tae-rusk1 @mlmz91 @adventuresofnight @queendivaofthedark 

[roundthatcorner]

“I said what I said, and it was wrong, or it was taken wrong, and now it's all this...”

BASICALLY.

So the furor, such as it is, that has resulted from a fairly innocuous post of mine seems to have taken on a bit of a life of its own, so I feel somewhat responsible and need to address certain things. A lot of what's been said seems frankly disconnected from anything I actually wrote, so I'm going to cover some but not all of the misconceptions – particular themes have been chosen because honestly some of the ideas I've been credited with are quite hurtful, to me personally and I think to a few other people.  I'm not 'at'-ing people because I'm not sure it would be at all fruitful or worthwhile to do so, and I'm not going to rebut things line-by-line because that seems more counterproductive than anything. My goal here is to hopefully dampen 'the controversy' (again, such as it is!) rather than inflame it.

On the one hand, I stand by the bulk of what I said – there's been some serious misinterpretations going around, some of which are genuinely baffling – but I can also see that my tone and my contextualization could have been improved. I do 'read' a little bratty or something in that post, which is something I should try to improve upon in the future. As for this post, I'm trying to essentially be the opposite of how I sounded there – be, like, very straightfoward and emotionally open and hopefully not stick my foot in it, or whatever. I'm basically a pathologically shy and conflict averse person, and totally just hoped that this would blow over, so all of this is way beyond my comfort zone. I hope people will see that this post is very much heartfelt, and imbue their reading of it with some generosity towards me and my intentions.

Anyways, the bulk of it, in which I pick out those misinterpretations that I would find it particularly upsetting to let stand as somehow representative of how I think:

a) Re John and being a fan: I love John. I can seriously count on one hand the number of people I love and admire more than John, and the subset under consideration for that isn't, like, 'famous people I like' or 'musicians', it's 'everybody who has ever existed.' I quite simply adore John and if I didn't I wouldn't expend the effort I do into trying to understand him. The implication that I can't possibly be a Beatles 'fan' (said in quotes, no less! Super disheartening), let alone a longtime fan is quite bizarre and insulting. I mean, I think there's a base presumption of 'grace' we should try to extend to other fans: none of us think any of them were or are irredeemable; we are all here because we love them; we all want to see them clearly and fairly. I am (clearly!) not some troll shouting 'John sux!' or whatever. It's not a mark of love for me or anyone to refuse to see John as he was – and by this I don't mean that not seeing John exactly as I do is a failure of anyone else, or deliberate, or that my interpretation is accurate, or whatever, just that FOR ME to limit my interpretation in order to 'keep' John sufficiently lovable or whatever would be silly. John was/is plenty lovable! I don't need to 'protect' myself from whatever dark places may have existed in his mind because I am entirely capable (as I think we all are) of loving him through that (not in spite of that, but THROUGH it, with empathy for him). I don't have to love or accept everything about John to love him – I don't have to love Yoko, or heroin, or Allen Klein, or stupid anti-Semitic cracks, or whatever (which is not to compare those things straightforwardly – obviously – but to make the point that it's okay to dislike things John liked!). We don't owe it to him as fans to make excuses for him; what we owe him is the same as what we owe any human being, which is just to try to understand where he's coming from. That's all that I was trying to do in my post – just delineate the thought processes he may have been having. I don't think I need to surround every discussion about John with 5 dozen caveats about his mental health issues or drug use simply because I have assumed that we all know these things and accept them as the (only) basis for further conversation (and actually I did reference both of those as clear sources of his behavior – I don't know that I can much more explicitly reference his suffering mental health than to say he was experiencing a break with reality). Furthermore, the idea that John's behavior during the final years of the Beatles was at least in part based on virulent paranoia directed at Paul as well as a desire to punish him is not something I came up with – it's a somewhat standard interpretation at this point. Even Paul (who also manages to love John while acknowledging his faults!) has admitted that John became very paranoid, jealous, neurotic, etc. Michael Gerber from Hey Dullblog once commented something like, to paraphrase, the hardest thing to accept as Beatles fans is that John broke up the Beatles and he did it willfully and deliberately...I don't know that that's THE hardest, but it's certainly up there. It's incredibly emotionally draining to consider the dynamics at work during the break-up, but I also think it's worthwhile to do so as honestly as we can, because we love them all so much and because they have so much to teach us, even when it's through this painful, agonizing shit.  

b) Re things assumed about me or what-have-you: It strikes me as really quite unfair to assume that because I've never discussed certain things on this blog (or in that specific post), that I don't understand or have never experienced them and am coming at them from a position of somewhat cruel disengagement or w/e. The title of the blog isn't 'Bisexuality, Mental Illness, Drug Addiction & Me', so I really didn't consider it under the purview and have generally refrained from inserting too much of 'myself' (or at least myself non-filtered through Beatles). I don't talk about feminism, or cats, or Mad Men or make-up or agile software development or robotic vacuums because despite my interest in all of them, that's not the intention of my tumblr. Nevertheless, some grotesque oversharing in hopes of re-assembling/salvaging some of what's been misconstrued:

- I am bisexual...too...like many people are. This gets back to the whole 'text doesn't always telegraph meaning particularly well', but the paragraph for which I was criticized for sounding like a Nat Geo narrator or w/e...as I was writing it I was actually getting quite emotional thinking of...John, like, maybe discovering his sexuality at 16, because that was the exact age where I was literally writing in my diary in cryptic little coded comments about being attracted to girls, and then blacking the comments out and tearing them out of the journal and ripping them up because I was SO fucking ashamed and scared and alone with all of it. Basically, I am not at all looking at this from the perspective of an outsider, let alone a heteronormative outsider.

- To be accused or w/e of not understanding or being unsympathetic to mental illness is more than a little ironically funny to me, because literally the reason I started this blog, writing fics, etc is because after over a decade on anti-depressants, I went off them about six months ago (lest this too be misconstrued, I am not advocating this (or un-advocating it), it simply is). My brain has therefore been 'allowed' to loop incessantly/unconstrainedly on the Beatles for the first time since I was fifteen – so mental illness is quite literally why I'm here! Funny stuff. I don't want or need or feel obliged to go into much more detail about this, so let it suffice to say that I have deep understanding and sympathy for mentally ill people, for John in particular, and I fully appreciate the impact of mental illness on a person's behavior, and any flippancy is, ah, semi-literally gallows humor.

- If I sound hardened or unsympathetic with regard to drug addictions...it's partially because I am on some level. I invite anyone who takes issue with this to go re-live their childhood with the trauma of multi-generational drug and alcohol abuse that I lived with, because I will guess that anyone who is less than saintly, as we all are, will end up just as jaded about it as I am, just from the inescapable daily grind of taking care of addicts. Sorry to sound fairly bitchy about this point, but...idk, man, it's always really really difficult to have people be like, “have you considered their feelings? Have you devoted enough of your life to ritually gutting yourself on the pyre of this or that person's addiction?” Like, yes? Sorry, all the mornings where I had to make sure my dad hadn't choked to death on his vomit before I got on the school bus have kind of drained my sympathy. Nonetheless, some of my favorite people are junkies...

c) Re Linda and Paul: I would never disrespect their relationship, and this is far and away the most upsetting thing to have people skew, because I admire what they were able to create and sustain SO much – it means so much to me in terms of what is possible even from the blackest fucking depths. Linda could have been another Francie, or Heather Mills, or Yoko, and GOSH, how much fucking poorer the world would have been, how much darker. Linda and his kids gave Paul something to live for, a whole second life after the center fell out of his first. They were actually able to make a happy life that was snatched from total chaos and despair – that's so incredible and awe-worthy to me. When I said that Paul chose Linda over dying, I was not putting down their relationship, or devaluing it or her (I think she is maybe the most admirable person in all of Beatle-dom), or anything even remotely like that. For me, there is no deeper compliment to give someone than to say that they chose to keep going when they could've died. I mean, compliment is not even the word for it, I honestly don't think I have the capacity to express this..but, like, this is soul-deep for me, the deepest, sincerest possible feeling. I derive enormous comfort and strength on literally a daily basis from the choice Paul made in the winter of 1970. Believe me when I say I would never denigrate Paul's experience or Linda's role in it or the love and commitment they showed each other.

d) Re interpretation versus facts:  There's some criticism based on me presenting my ideas as facts. I don't think I did this – I couched the thing repeatedly with 'conjecture' (in all caps!), 'my interpretation', 'I think', 'maybe' and 'may', 'a range of possibilities', 'possibly', 'presumably', 'might', etc. I was not presenting what I said as verifiable fact but as my evolving understanding of what may have happened. Besides...all of us are here because we think there was or could have been a romantic/sexual component to John & Paul's relationship. This is not something that is at all verifiable (and it even very often requires that we assume people are lying!). Practically everything we say is conjecture based on our very unorthodox interpretation of sometimes conflicting/contradictory/bewildering information, and I am no more (or less) guilty of presenting my ideas as fact than, I think, anyone here.

e) Re Yoko: I get the sense that this was the main initial point of disagreement in all of this, and the rest of it was kind of...throwing stuff and seeing what stuck (unfortunately some of it seems to have). This is actually the only intractable issue – it's not one based on misunderstanding or a failure on my part to be clear enough. I dislike Yoko exactly as much (or more!) as I conveyed in the original post, and I have good reason for it. Pretty much every day of my life I learn something about her or about the world, relationships, responsibility, children, how a person should treat others, etc, that makes her behavior that much more noxious, inexcusable, and reproachable. Once upon a time I was thirteen and believed wholeheartedly in the Ballad of John & Yoko narrative – but as an adult, I simply can't countenance it. If we were not talking about 'John and Yoko' but rather about 'Joe and Sally Schmoe', or my brother and his girlfriend, or the next case on the docket in the local family court, there would be no question that this was a profoundly unhealthy and damaging relationship. Like...are most love affairs as enormously, relentlessly destructive as theirs was? Is there anyone from John's pre-1968 life that was allowed to really remain a part of his life post-Yoko? What kind of healthy romantic relationship cuts a person off from everything else? Is 'all that I know is just what you tell me' anything other than a deeply disturbing sentiment? Some of this can be laid at John's feet but on the other hand his 25 year old secretary (as well as every other significant person in his life except for his parents and probably Mimi) was able to coax him into being a BETTER person, whereas he only seemed to become an unhealthier and more damaged person the longer he spent with Yoko (and the feminism thing...like, the most feminist thing he could have done would be sending Cynthia an additional $10,000 a month – 'look at the one you're with' or were with, after all). I can't say that Yoko didn't love John but I will say that she didn't love him well – based on the standards for human relationships and interaction that we are willing to apply to normal people. To quote John Dunbar (who is definitely a longtime John fan!), “If I had set out to destroy John Lennon, I could not have done any better than to introduce him to Yoko Ono.”

If anyone wants to talk any more about this, please message or ask me (I will likely not respond to asks in the interest of not encouraging divisiveness or whatever, but I do appreciate what I’ve been sent). I can't control what anyone posts, obviously, and there are maybe still sensitive and insightful things to be said about some of it, so go ahead if you feel the need. For my part I probably won't engage any further publicly, especially since it's been unhelpfully dug into the ground (over...and over...and over) and there's a certain amount of like...willful misconstruing that's going on that’s just not worth getting into.

And just because it came on shuffle, and because sometimes Paul is exactly what one needs him to be, I'll end by saying:

“Is it better to love than to give in to hate?

Yeah, we'd better take good care of each other,

 Avoid slipping back, off the straight and narrow”

:)

[fuck-customers]

idfc anymore

I was tempted to go anonymous but I am far too tired.

I haven't really made a post yet, I've just been following this blog for quite a while as a release as I'm sure is the same for most. But things have changed and I thought for the better, not so sure now.

this does not include the 2nd job I'd gotten WHILE working this one, which put me at 7 days a week, a little around 60 hours a week, for 9 months. That in itself was hell and requires an entirely different submission.

It'll probably get long so just scroll to the tl;dr at the bottom if you want idc.

When I had just graduated HS, I waited the summer out before applying for a job. I already knew I wasn't going to college - a 2.3GPA isn't going to get you anywhere, especially when you're in the working class just brushing the poverty line. Getting loans is not something I wanted to do either, since everyone I'd ever met, seen, or heard who'd gotten them were miserable fcks.

At the suggestion of a relative I dropped off my resume everywhere it interested me. I got hired. Things looked good. I bonded with one of the coworkers, wasn't so bad. But I was inexperienced. And their idea of 'training' was to send 3 different people from 3 different parts of the business to train me on their own time, separately, and then argue about it because either something was miscommunicated i.e I was taught to do something one way but another person said that was wrong so they'd scold me and then "re-teach" me. This went on for a few weeks.

Okay, cool, fine. Whatever. That's stupid, you do you. Shit kind of improves. But because of this miscommunication, I get a write up for talking to one of the co-workers about something I wasn't supposed to because technically they're NOT a coworker and I don't find out exactly what that means until later (paid under the table) nor was I told I couldn't speak to them about the fact that this random ass volunteer was not only getting in the way of my work, but was being a safety hazard for my clients, despite my many warnings and corrections. Because obviously we are a hive mind and I must know that 1. Do not speak to paid-under-the-table "employees" 2. Do not tell mentally unstable child to not crawl into bin and taunt clients 3. Especially do not ban him when he was spraying the hose nozzle directly at clients.

So I get a "strike". Boss lady holds out her fingers and ticks them off once by one, as If I had made a horrible grievance upon the business. I'd only been working there for a few months, I believe. Still early, still new. Still young, fresh out of HS. 

A little back story cause I really feel this is integral to the story and hopefully for those with the same issues will look at this like "ye same" and those who haven't might be able to understand the following actions on the part of myself and others. Either way, here you go:

I've got diagnosed C-PTSD, Anxiety, Depression Bipolar, and ADHD. It has been heavily suggested I also fall along the Autism spectrum (by various doctors and nurses). I am also a victim of emotional, psychological, mental, and physical abuse (with a little stockholm I recently discovered, it's not something you yourself are generally aware of and now that I am it's ... It's worse than if I didn't know.), and I have been suffering with it for as long as I've been consciously aware to the present day. I don't always like to be so forthright with this kind of knowledge because there are quite a few people that either don't believe me, or then don't think I'm reliable enough to function and/or work. So it's usually best I don't.

And during the entire time of my employment there, I underwent a lot of manipulation and emotional abuse. A lot. By a person who believed they were doing a service for others. 

The months go on. I continue to be mistreated but it doesn't get bad until my family decide they want to adopt from the shelter boss lady also happens to run. I'm at work and I am notified of the cutest little puppy who had just gotten surrendered. I immediately asked my parents if they'd like the foster (we'd been looking for a 'family dog'). Said yes but couldn't get down there. I said that's fine, I'll fill the paperwork out. So I go to the other side and I fill everything out, we're set. We go home later on and she fits in perfectly. We decide then we'll adopt her come morning when the shelter opens up again.

Morning comes, I'm about ready to walk out the door to go to work, but I'm sent a message from one of the coworkers. "Bring the puppy in" was essentially the message being sent. Puppy's mom had originally surrendered puppy because she couldn't find a place to live that would accept dogs. So she surrendered her. But then in the morning she found a place. What a moron. Anyway.

Boss lady accepted her to having her dog back. No communication to me other than "Bring the dog in". Well we were about to adopt. Essentially what this scenario was turning into was: You work for me, therefore I 1. Don't have to explain myself 2. You work for me 3. The dog is my property.

So I'm texting the coworker back and forth like "Uh I need a little more info, also my parents want to talk with the ACO". This takes way too long, I eventually get the number, mom and ACO have a chat. I thought it went well. Apparently it didn't. He was giving her the script, paraphrased and a little blase. Moms pissed, understandably. She blows it out of proportion, note she's a psychotic bitxch and does this often with everything involving life but I can see where she's coming from with this. I'm like alright well I have to go to work, good luck barring the doors from the "Police". We go to work and it's kind of fcked.

We open the doors and everyone goes silent and turns towards us, in the kind of way you know they were just talking about you. Cause we got everyone in one room. The Boss Lady, the girl txting me over the phone, the ACO, some unnamed volunteer[s]. It's fcking uncomfortable and idk whats going on. The coworker I'd been txting was known and a little too happy to gossip, run her mouth, and cause problems. I was not surprised this was what was going on, but it didn't make me any less pissed.

Boss Lady confronts relative who'd dropped me off at work. He barely says a word, just stares at her, while she's maybe a couple inches from him. She says things like "Don't stare at me like that, this is how it works" "They are MY property, and as MY property I CAN call the police and they WILL show up on your front door do you want that?" "Peeriet, go with him to get the dog so I know she's coming back." And other really really volatile bullshit. The fact that she called the puppy her PROPERTY, threatened to call the POLICE, like...I was there during all of these interactions. My texts were neutral and just asking questions, my moms convo with the ACO was really calm and easy, and the relative was doing nothing but standing there and staring as she went off her rocker. So. 

I said no, I have to go to work, I'm not going with him to get the dog but he's going to get her. So he goes, I clock in, I leave.

I go to my job and vent to my coworker about the situation because I was still trying to wrap my head around it, when the ACO shows up wanting to have a private "chat."

The fcking conversation went something like this.

"So uh, you really care about your job, right?"

this fcking asshole was alluding, in so many words, probably to get the point across while also saving his ass so if I had gone to anyone saying he THREATENED MY POSITION OVER MY HEAD TO MAKE ME COOPERATE it may have been a problem. Wonder why.

So I said yeah, it's not even an issue also, they're bringing the dog back, etc. They'd even said because I filled out the application under my name that I was liable for anything to happen if it were to happen and that, because it's under my name, well, shucks, this is all your responsibility at the end of the day, we can wipe our hands clean and call it good.

Even though we were following the 'rules' and never once 1. Yelled 2. Caused a scene 3. Refused 4. Or threatened.

So that's settled. I thought. I go home and moms pissed. Que the next few weeks of absolute stupid shit storm via the internet by way of her leaving a trail of bad reviews. Of course this falls on me.

Everything my mom ever did or said, was my fault, as they "alluded" because we can't tell the truth in this business lest we be taken to court for whatever illegal activity we're probably doing behind closed doors.

So that started a whole new thing. They're hatred becomes amplified. Coworkers I'd bonded or befriended just outright stopped talking to me, barely acknowledging my precense and going to my manager for anything, including relaying messages to me. This did not stop for another 2 years.

So eventually things calm down, as calm as it could get. I continue to get harassed a lot, manipulated. I get injured at work fairly frequently, more than most - injuries that required medical treatment. I lied my first visit because it was after work. I was truthful the other time. I'd already been told by a few coworkers but Boss Lady specifically had a few special conversations with me about not telling any of my family I got injured at work, "Because you know how your mom is". They always spoke too sweetly, too nicely and feeding me excuses to cover up the real reasons. And I'd been so used to abuse my whole life that stockholm was bleeding into my work life and if anyone has ever fcking experienced that, it is fcking hell.

So I didn't tell anyone.

Until I'd gotten injured real bad. A dog had clamped full jaws onto my leg and shook. I had an indent for every tooth, including at least 3 deep punctures. I had it disinfected, shot a water missile into the punctures to make sure debris was out, wrapped, and given meds, orally and topically. I limped when I went home. And at the weekend went bye, I continued to get worse emotionally. I couldn't keep this a secret, I was experiencing actual physical pain because of the situation I'd been put under and I, mentally, could not cope. So I blew up in the kitchen. I had a meltdown, I showed my leg, I explained what happened, I said sorry but that I couldn't hide it anymore. 

The next day or days at work I told boss lady I couldn't hide it. I just couldn't. She backpeddled, explained "Oh no no, you shouldn't feel like you have to hide it, I never said that." This was her keyphrase after being called out for every single threat, warning, and manipulation. "I never said that.". Because it was true. She didn't. She said it in a way that couldn't hold her accountable in any true legal situation.

Months go by. I continue with the abuse not just at home but at work now. Abuse most people wouldn't even consider was abuse, but unfortunately I'd been groomed for this sort of thing my entire life, so when it happened at work? I fit in so naturally I didn't even know it was abuse/wrong until I'd left. 

And the real kicker is that she knew of my mental disorders. Because when stockholm had got me good, and I was especially tired, and I'd suffered some real hard shit at home, I'd break and I'd confess to boss lady in hopes of some kind of understanding: See, this is what I deal with, please don't mistreat me.

I wrote letters. I tried talking to her one on one. I tried working so hard at work to show how good I'd gotten.

Each letter was misunderstood. She'd bring me into her office after our oral talk and tell me that, because of what I'd written, I could be misunderstood, taken 'at my word.' "Well it says here that you don't ... want to work with your clients? Well if this is true then I legally can't have you with them. Because you wrote it. And legally I have to put this in your file." So I had to rewrite it, delete everything incriminating so I was left with my personal feelings.

Talking with her wasn't possible. She used tactics my mother does, so I physically couldn't talk, and I did, it was only "Sorrys" and "Thank yous" and accepting I was wrong and she was right and yes, I understand.

Working hard didn't work. I paid for my training personally and attended a school solely to improve. I kept making mistakes though. I wasn't good enough. I was doing some of the work my manager was with none of the pay, none of the acknowledgment or acceptance. I brought her in money, and clients, and good reviews, for nothing more than what I'd already had. Because she knew I wouldn't fight for it. Because she knew I'd continue giving her money and she didn't have to shell out anything more. And legally she didn't have to, because I had no experience, I was out of HS, and no official schooling.

But she'd always give me 'tidbits' of 'rewards'. The kicker for anyone with stockholm and/or abuse is you can basically continue to abuse them without too much issue if they 'reward' you and make it seem like they're doing you a favour. You know what I mean?

So she'd have occasionally 'positive' conversations, or she'd 'comment' something good about me, but I really loved when she'd give me a .50cent raise about twice in 2 years disguising it under her "charity" when it was probably because it was actually required. Cause in her office I was like "Why do I have a .50cent raise?" "Why are you asking, that's not something you normally ask when getting a raise." "???" "It's cause -....Just be thankful" Yeeee you see that? See that? How she almost said something but didn't? Yeah.

When she hired a new person they actually made about the same as me but more than another coworker, who'd been there longer, and when asked, boss lady said she basically didn't want to pay him if he wasn't sticking around (What kind of bullshit is that). He was. He corrected her, and his pay got fixed.

Again, months passed. Sometimes It'd be so good and I truly loved my job. I formed relationships with the clients to this day I can't think about because I get emotional. And every time she would critique me. Make things harder for us, she'd always be watching us on the cameras, and if she didn't see us, she'd assume we weren't working. She'd even come out of office to walk by just to watch us as she passed. 

2 months ago she made some changes. She'd hired someone that was her irl friend. The entire business save 1 or 2 people, were connected either by blood, marriage, or irl friendship. Which wasn't a good thing.

So she hires this new manager. Does ok for maybe a week or two. But then they started making some changes. She redid how we did our payments and filed clients in a really convoluted way. We went back to the old system in a week.

Then she switched everyones schedules. Really inconveniently and without asking anyone for confirmation like she said. She never even spoke to me like she did the others. 

Then she wanted opening crew to take our lunches back to back. Which made the early morning person take their lunch 6-7 hours after they'd already been clocked on, and me take mine only a couple hours after I'd been clocked on. Well, what about the afternoon crew?

Afternoon crew, as Boss lady told our manager and new morning crew person, didn't have to take a lunch now because of the new schedule. Which put him at over 5/5.5 hours anyway, despite the hour cut.

My hours were being cut. She'd just hired new manager and new morning crew, who'd taken over everything of mine previously. She'd also already fired a few people, and the new minimum wage mandatory increase was right around the corner.

I watched my hours. I waited. Few days pass. The next week comes, everyones on edge, I'm a fireball.

She tells us we're not allowed to keep our "belongings" with the rest of the other clients when we're on lunch. We must remove them into an entire separate room, because they would otherwise make our numbers higher (of total clients allowed in a space per person ratio) and thus become "illegal". We'd been seen by a health inspector twice in a year or so by request of a client who wasn't too keen on our 'policies'. Boss Lady was adamantly covering bases, which meant fcking everyone over.

It was kind of the last straw. I applied elsewhere, got accepted, and left. I spent 2 weeks after my last day literally going through a detox/withdrawal. I became physically ill. I had mental breakdowns about once every couple days. It was hell, it was horrible. I hated every minute of it.

Someone else left. A month later another person left. Several people that'd gotten hired have already been fired. And apparently a business too similar to the glory days of the place I'd left, has moved a couple blocks down the road to a second location. 

I've gotten a new job, but It's only partially an improvement, and I am still affected everyday by the abuse I'd suffered at that place, coupled with everything I already go through at home. And I am tired, and I do this alone, and I've been looking for a place to move into for years but minimum wage isn't a livable wage.

I am tired.

tl;dr how tf do you even summarize that?

[fawnthroated]

I wanted to give this a clickbait title but nah

“I want an actual examination and dissection of her character that has the room for her to be vivacious and loving and warm and compassionate, AND the kind of person who makes the sexual assault of her closest friend about her own hurt feelings.

Really kind of boils down to that. That she’s been shown to have the capacity to be both of these people at once, but fanon only cares about one half or the other. Nah. She’s both.”

Comment I received on this post (paraphrased): see I’d like to agree with (whole post) but then it becomes about excusing snape’s fascism and bullshit and I gotta block you.”

~INHALE~ okay so

1. Block me? Sweetie I wasn’t even following you. What does blocking me do? Unlike snape I am an actual coward online and will not engage with you because I am literally terrified of being out-discoursed and being unable to phrase my points correctly. I’m not the type to engage to your face. I’m, for better or worse, the type to complain about your shit alone to nobody. 

2. Go read the post, it’s called “More Lily” I think. Literally NOWHERE did I mention anything Snape does/says other than during SWM. I wanted to examine how their dynamic and relationship corroding was mutual, ie, being done by both (BOTH) parties, actively and/or subconsciously. Where the literal fuck did you get “Lily should have excused his fascist activities” Hoe, WHAT fascist activities? He didn’t even start getting involved with DE, as I remember, until after the friendship had bit the damn dust (like 6th/7th year.) And in canon, there’s no indication AT ALL that snape agreed with DE’s moral message; he’s not a blood purist, he joined them to place himself at a personal advantage and in a position of power, and probably also because they did things like respect him and treat him like a human, which says a lot of interesting shit because if your last resort for companionship is a terror group, that’s pretty messed up and says more about the world you live in and the life you’ve led than it says about you. 

3. Why is pointing out Lily’s canon decision to say “Okay, I’m watching someone I have at least lingering feelings for be sexually assaulted in public, but you know what, my pain from being called an insult is paramount to his, and I will use this instance to abandon and further degrade him, effectively siding myself with his antagonist with a flip of my hair” equal to saying “Lily should have excused his fascism.” Like. See 2, what fascism. I’ve read a lot of pieces which I doubt you ever will read about how and in what context snape came across the word mudblood, essentially, the word was likely inflated by blood purist peers as the worst thing a person could be, the worst insult, and may not have explained it much beyond that. In its actual canon context, it’s more likely that, seeing how Lily was behaving towards James and co., snape called her the worst thing he could possibly think of and that it happened to be said to a muggle born girl was collateral. I feel like he would have said the same damn thing to her regardless of her blood status. 

4. It boils down to Lily having that capacity in her, and being a shady little shit about it. What would you have her do? Dump snape the second he’s in a rival house and she learns a thing or two about how Gryff and Slyth interact? I actually agree that it would have been better if they’d had the capacity to disengage with each other earlier, as their relationship was unhealthy for BOTH of them at that point. There are so many things in SWM that Lily does that are fucked up, tbh. I kinda equate snape yelling that at her as his own fucked up way of telling her to fucking do something, the rawest and most desperate version of “are you a witch or aren’t you?” Because, mind, he’s being sexually assaulted. His mind’s not really in the best of places. 

5. If you think being sexually assaulted is no excuse for (insert poor decision), get the fuck away from me. 

sorry it’s long :/ and I didn’t phrase it well...

[geniuslab]

college writing advice

Hi, everyone. It’s nearing finals time for a lot of people and I thought I’d share some of the tips that my undergrad students find helpful, and also things that helped me when I was in school and writing essays. Don’t sue me if this doesn’t help, though. This is mostly for your typical research/argumentative/analytical essays.

read your assignment/essay prompt as soon as you get it

Even if your essay isn’t due for a month, take a look at the assignment. You don’t have to outline or do anything for it yet, but knowing what the requirements are will help you prepare. You can start looking for inspiration in class readings or lectures, and you might find yourself outlining it without even realizing it. At the very least, it can’t hurt to know what you’ll need to do, even if you’re not starting yet.

Plus, if something is confusing, you have time to ask your professor. Emailing your professor the night before your essay is due with a basic question doesn’t make you look good, and you might not get an answer back in time.

Sometimes professors give hints to what materials will be helpful for your essays (particularly analytical essays!), so if you already know the prompt then you can be on the lookout for these. I frequently starred my notes when I knew certain information would be helpful in an upcoming essay.

don’t wait until the last minute

It sounds pretty self-explanatory, but seriously. Don’t. Don’t wait until the night before your 15 page research paper is due to start actually doing research. Even if you know you write better under stress (like me) still plan out enough time to get it done. A 2,000 word essay written in less than 3 hours is going to be crap. A 2,000 word essay in 2 days is manageable.

okay, shit. you waited until the last minute

Ask your professor for an extension. Just don’t do it at 2am.

If you can’t get an extension, then get some caffeine and snacks and buckle up, kiddo. Submitting something is better than submitting nothing. Start with whatever part is easiest, and just run with it. Just don’t work yourself to the point of exhaustion.

talk to someone about your ideas

Whether it be with your professor, a tutor, or your best friend, don’t be afraid to talk through your ideas with someone. Sometimes brainstorming with someone for even 10 minutes is all you need to get the jumbled mess of ideas in your head into something concrete.

find a productive space to do your work (this counts for studying in general)

By this point in the semester you’ve probably figured out what environments are most helpful to you, so make sure that’s where you’re doing your work. Some people can only work in a quiet space like their room/library, while others need some background noise and find places like coffee shops most helpful.

If you like listening to something while working, there’s lots of different playlists you can listen to, like this one. If you listened to a specific playlist while studying, try listening to the same one while writing, since it can help bring previous knowledge back to the forefront. And there’s always the classic Rainy Mood.

create a rough outline

Whether you write one out or do it in your head, try planning something out. For example, if you’re writing a research paper on the benefits of therapy, start deciding what supporting points you’d like to talk about. I wouldn’t recommend waiting until halfway through your paper to figure out all of your points.

write, write, write

If you don’t like outlining then just start writing. Work through your ideas, and you’ll get somewhere eventually. You might have to scrap a lot of what you’ve written, but you’ll have something to go off of.

Once into the actual writing process, feel free to jump around with what sections you’re writing. If you get stuck on a certain paragraph, move onto the next one. If you can’t figure out how to write a hook for your intro, start on something that you do know how to do. If your third main point is the most interesting to you, try starting there. Getting some writing done is better than getting frustrated at line one and not getting anything done. Which brings me to my next point:

skip your introduction

For most undergrad papers, your intro is essentially just a summary of what your paper is going to be about. If you get stuck on intros often, just skip it and write it last, since by the end you’ll know exactly how to summarize your paper.

however, always know your thesis before writing anything substantial

Your thesis = main point/argument. You need to know this before you start filling in all of your support (this is assuming your paper requires a thesis...which it probably does). After all, what are you trying to support if you don’t even know what you’re arguing? Make sure that each paragraph ties back to the thesis. If it doesn’t, there’s probably an issue (background information or references to existing research won’t exactly support your thesis, but you’ll know if they fit within the context of your argument).

As far as wording your thesis, I wouldn’t worry about it too much. As long as you’re not planning on changing what your thesis is, you can worry about how to perfectly word it later.

use your library’s database

Provided that your school has a database (which is probably does), check it out. Pro-tip: If you’re crunched on time/not able to go to your library, make sure to check the “full text only” option to get articles that are 100% free and available to download right away. I did this for every paper.

Of course, there’s always google scholar if you’re still not finding what you’re looking for, but results can be limited or behind a paywall.

If you find an article excerpt that’s helpful but can’t access the rest of the article...you can probably still use it. But you didn’t hear that from me.

still stuck on research?

Wikipedia can help. But please, don’t use it as a source unless you want your professor to light your essay on fire. You can gain some background knowledge on your topic to help in the research process, and a lot of times wikipedia cites legitimate sources that you can check out and maybe even use for yourself.

Also, sources from .gov and .edu websites are pretty safe to use.

Don’t use someone’s blog as a source please please please (unless your paper is about blog culture or something. But we both know it’s not).

have a super long source?

You don’t have to read the entire thing. This is probably contradictory to what your professors always tell you, but really. Don’t spend hours reading a 100+ page article or book to only end up using one sentence from it. In my four years of college, I never once read an entire book just to use it as my source (however, I DID read the required books for class...don’t skip out on that). And if an article was more than, say, 25 pages, I skimmed it. You know how much reading you can handle and fit in. Find whatever paragraphs have the information that you need, and use it. As long as you’re not misinterpreting the information, it probably doesn’t really matter.

don’t just throw a quote in your paper

It might be tempting to do this to fill up space or fulfill the required amount of sources, but don’t do it. Make sure that whatever quote you’re using actually supports whatever you’re trying to say. A simple tip that you can use most of the time is thinking of it as a sandwich: introduce your source (ex. John Smith, Professor of Bullshitting at Blah University, states, ”QUOTE”), put in the quote, and then talk about the quote. Don’t just plop it in there with no explanation as to why it’s important.

This website can be helpful for incorporating sources.

confused by citations? use an online citation maker

When you’re stressed and under a time limit, it’s probably not the time to learn MLA. Pop those sources into a website like easybib or citationmachine. Don’t pay, though. There’s tons out there, so find one that works for free (easybib doesn’t do APA for free, but I believe citationmachine does). Just make sure that you’re filling out all necessary info. Sometimes the websites can’t find the author’s name or publication date, but you can. These websites serve as a good template, just don’t expect them to do all the work for you.

Also, if you’re using an online database, it might have already created the citation for you, so look for that.

If you’re not sure whether to use MLA, APA, etc. then check your assignment or syllabus. If it’s still not there then your prof did a shitty job email your professor. Typically, English papers will use MLA and science-related classes will use APA.

For help on in-text citations, I suggest googling “whatever type of source you’re using + purdueowl + in-text + citation type (mla, apa, etc.)”

Don’t worry about in-text citations as you’re writing. If my citation was any more complicated than (75-78) then I just put something like [INSERT CITATION] and did it last. But make sure you know exactly how to find the source again, otherwise you’ll have to take it out. Don’t depend on bookmarking a database article either, they never saved for me. Make sure you can find it again, and know exactly what part of the source you used.

don’t plagiarize (even by accident)

Knowing the difference between quoting, paraphrasing, and summarizing is imperative.

When in doubt, cite.

annotated bibliographies

They look scarier than they are. Your prof probably gave you guidelines for one if they’re expecting you to write one, but if not, this is a helpful guide. Rule of thumb: give background information of the source and author (why should the reader care about this source? is it legit? give them receipts), give a summary of the main points, and explain how you’re planning on using the source in your essay. You probably want to do this before you write your paper, but hey, who am I to judge?

transitions

I hate transitions and I hate explaining them. But this website has some great transition words if you’re tired of using “furthermore.”

worry about spelling/grammar last

Unless your professor is a real hardass on these things, they’re most likely the least important. Your grammar could be flawless, but if your organization is a mess then your whole paper has fallen apart. This is particularly important for ESL students. Have a friend read your paper, if this is an option available to you. As long as they understand what you’re trying to say, that’s the most important part. Work on bigger issues first (thesis, support, organization) and then worry about whether a comma needs to go there.

but you should definitely still proofread

Spellcheck can only go so far. Make sure you read over your paper before you submit it. Professors can tell when you haven’t even looked over your own paper, and they get pretty heated about it.

If you know you’ve read your paper countless times and are still missing things, try reading it backwards. Going backwards line by line makes you focus on the content of each sentence. This is only helpful for spelling, grammar, and syntax.

last but not least, give yourself breaks/incentives

Ideally, you’re not going to write your paper in less than 12 hours. I highly recommend planning as much time as possible to write your paper, and give yourself a DAY break between finishing your writing and proofreading it. That day gives you enough space to clear your head and look at it with a new perspective.

If you’re planning on banging out your whole paper in one sitting, still give yourself breaks. Have a delicious snack after each new paragraph, or watch a funny youtube video after each main point. Obviously, if you’re on a roll then don’t interrupt yourself. But if you’re struggling with each sentence, try to give yourself incentives to keep going.

That’s about all I can think of right now. I’m sorry if this wasn’t helpful or if you knew all of this already (look at me, assuming someone’s going to read this). This is mostly just beginner’s tips, but they might still help. Believe it or not, these are some of the biggest problems I see students run into, even at the end of the semester. If you picked up at least one thing from this, then I did what I sought out to do!

Have a question that I didn’t answer or explain fully? Feel free to send me an ask. I’ll answer pretty much anything. But I won’t proofread your paper.

Please let me know if any of the links aren’t working. You can always add stuff to this list as well!

Good luck!