#to clarify im not saying you *have* to be a victim to be able to write about that kind of stuff .

[gongedtornado]

h*zbin/h*lluva enjoyers fuck off from my page plz 🙏

[logolepzy]

What we can't say ༉‧₊˚.

pairing : spencer reid / derek morgan

genre : fluff , one shot

word count : 1.7k

summary : the team has to fly out to Spokane late into the night for a case involving 3 missing girls, but their hotel couldn't accommodate the last minute request entirely, leaving two members having to share a bed.

this is my first fic so im open to suggestions and feedback!!

The team slouch in their squeaky leather chairs, while Hotch leans on the side table, trying to keep himself up and awake. They had all been called in late into the night for a case involving 3 missing young girls and were requested to fly out to Spokane as soon as possible, hopefully to find the third victim in time.

“Alright, before we land, let's do a quick brief on what we have so far regarding the case.” Hotch yawned, slipping his thumb under his manila folder and flipping it open.

Everyone scans through their folders along with him, trying to keep up, and fighting a quick power nap they desperately need yet have no time to spare for on the jet. 

Derek had started to doze off while going over his file when Emily tapped his shoulder. Derek suddenly jerks, taking his weight off his hand and shifting it onto the armrest.

“Hey man, we're about to land. Don't make us leave without you.” She teased, nudging her shoulder into his, and bringing her attention back to the ongoing discussion of everyone bouncing theories off of each other, composing a game plan for when they land.

Reid sat across from Emily and Derek, fidgeting with his fingers, running them along the window trim. He never saw Derek as the kind of guy to chase after someone like Emily, but with his chronic flirtatious personality, even the baby genius FBI profiler couldn’t figure him out. He couldn’t help but examine Derek’s behavior towards the others, taking notes of the important details that just might give him a clue on his feelings towards him.

The jet finally lands, and the team makes their way to the hotel they managed to book last minute. They reach the front desk to check into the hotel, and find out they were able to accommodate three bedrooms, only two of the rooms had two separate beds. They scoot to the side of the reception to make way for other customers and begin discussing who will be sharing the one bed-room.

“Well, how will we be doing this?” Rossi smirks and scans everyone's face to humor himself at their reactions at the fact someone will be sharing a bed tonight.

“Right off the bat, I think it’s safe to say me and JJ would love to share.” Emily chuckled, glancing at JJ and exchanging a smile with her.

Reid stays quiet. He had been used to being the last choice all throughout his childhood, which always seemed to come back up in his adult life, but he had grown used to it. So he sat there, waiting for a groan of complaint, until he heard someone mention his name.

“I can share with Reid, I don’t mind.” 

He glances up and sees Derek grinning at him, arm reaching out and patting his shoulder, and letting out a small giggle.

Reid was confused as to why Derek was so willing to share the same bed as him. For an activity so intimate, he assumed Derek would clarify he was taking the floor or perhaps waiting to trade places with someone, and yet he didn’t.

Everyone heads to their rooms sluggishly dragging along small suitcases packed enough for at least two days and start to get settled, preparing for the rush of work they will be facing in the morning.

Derek swipes their room card across the reader, waits for the click, and budges the door open, allowing Reid to walk through before him.

“This is a decent room for having one bed.” Derek joked, inspecting the room from left to right, top to bottom.

Reid was too fidgety and flustered to come up with a funny quick response, especially not when he’s facing the fact that the man he is infatuated with chose to lay in the same bed as him. 

Derek sighs as he noticed how Reid was behaving, he could sense unease within his friend, and he was starting to feel it too. He continues to make his way around the room, examining the quality.

Reid blankly stares out of the window, tracking how many blue cars he can spot out in the spotlight of the streetlights, checking if he can find the moon and gauge the phase of it. Was it a waning gibbous or a full moon?

He jolts as he feels a palm press onto his right shoulder, whipping his head around to end up directly staring into the eyes of Derek, inches away from his face.

“Woah there!” Derek forced a laugh, trying to keep the mood light.

“Oh! Well- I uh, I was just um-” Reid muttered. He was barely able to spit those words out, so he gave up, dropping his head to the floor, scratching the shoulder of his shirt.

“You haven’t spoken since we’ve gotten off the jet, is something wrong?” Derek interrogated, wanting to ease this everlasting anxiety he could just feel rising within Reid.

“Everything is alright. You don’t have to worry.” 

“You can never seem to go more than 2 hours without talking.” Derek took a couple steps back to sit down on the bed. “Something’s gotta be up with you, man.” Derek’s tone had dropped, he spoke in a low concerned voice, causing it to become a rasp.

Reid’s head stayed low, keeping his hands busy, hoping it could distract himself enough to bring him to another scenario. Another timeline where he wouldn’t be in a ruinous state of shame and humiliation. Another timeline where he could have spoken up before Derek and gotten to sleep on the floor with Emily and JJ. Not a time when, in the midst of being called onto an urgent case hours past his usual bedtime, he was chosen to share a slightly dingy, coffee stained mattress with Derek Morgan.

“It’s just, uh, this case is quite stressful. The last minute call as well, trying to rush to this hotel shortly after I had fallen asleep. Y’know.” Reid continued to anxiously fidget with the hem on the bottom of his shirt.

“Well, yeah, I understand that, but you were acting just fine on the plane. It was only once we got to the hotel when you started acting strange.” Derek kept his gaze on Reid, spotting out all his nervous tics and fidgets.

“Everything is alright, Derek, I promise.” His head rises as he speaks, then he turns to wash up in the bathroom and switch to proper bedroom attire.

Derek raises his eyebrows and scoffs, he tried his best, if Reid wasn’t going to give it up right then and there, he had to let it go.

A couple of minutes go by, Reid sits on the cold porcelain toilet seat, counting the total numbers of tiles on the bathroom floor. His emotions were still running high, and he was yet to face the grand event of sleeping next to someone he has feelings for. He shook his face, pushed the slick walnut strands out of his face, and then stood up.

Reid slowly twists the bathroom knob, creaking the door open. Once the door is fully ajar, he spots Derek already sat comfortably on their bed, scrolling through the best channels he could find at this hour. He’s wearing a long sleeved cotton button up, colored dark blue, paired with some classic black sweatpants. Reid took gentle steps towards the left side of the bed, sliding under the thin cover, hoping Derek wouldn’t notice and try to strike up some before-bed discussion.

Derek finally settled on a channel, some old 90s family sitcom he used to watch with his sisters, and got nestled under the covers. He glanced over at Reid, knowing he wasn't asleep, just wanting to examine his behavior. Was he shaking? Was he still fidgeting? Could he get a good night's rest before their case tomorrow?

The restless agent lay motionless in bed, only letting his shoulders rise and fall as he took in subtle deep breaths. Too afraid to look back, he could feel Derek’s stare pierce the back of his neck, trailing down his spine. His mind was clouded with a steep mountain of anxieties, thoughts slurring together as his restlessness became fatigue. He was hung up on the possibility of being critiqued, in such a vulnerable state of unconsciousness, unknowing to external issues. His nightmares had come back for the first time since Las Vegas just a few weeks ago. He wondered if Derek would comfort him if he were to wake in a cold sweat, heart beating rapidly, unable to stop shaking. He practically started praying for a response anywhere equivalent to that, if the situation were to occur at all.

Reid’s eyes flutter open, his eyes immediately landing on the digital boxy bedside clock to check the time

4:29 a.m.

He knew the rest of the team was likely still asleep, so he decided to rest his eyes once again, hoping to get an extra hour or two of sleep. He makes an effort to bring his hand up to rub his eyes when he feels another weight sitting on top of it. Laying on his back, as still as he could possibly be, he shifts his head to glance down at his hand, seeing Derek Morgan’s fingers interlocked with his. His palm blanketed by Derek’s. His eyes widen, and he feels his entire body tense, his mind shifting from groggy and hazy to ruffled and delighted.

He continues to lay still, feeling his cheeks start to burn up, spreading down to his fingertips. This was not accidental, Derek meant to do this.

Suddenly, he hears Derek groan and shift around harshly, swinging his head over to face Reid, still gripping Reid’s left with his right, and spots him simply staring at the ceiling.

“Oh, I didn’t realize you were going to be up this early.” Derek mumbled while lightly smirking, still being slightly out of it, not noticing he had continued to cling onto Reid throughout the night.

He surveyed Reid’s body language, he could sense there was still some tension, but he was glad it had been eased before the case. 

Unclasping his hand from Reid’s, he turns over and sits on the edge of the bed, checking his phone for the time. He still left a smirk on his face, remembering how he comforted Reid in the night, even though he might not have remembered it. He was still cared for by someone who loved him.

[pupkou]

this is opening a can of worms so im sorry but I do think it's really silly that people can't hear other people's experiences without feeling like it's a personal attack on them. me sharing my personal experience with transphobia as a trans man doesn't mean I think I have it harder than trans women, and just because they have it harder because of transphobia + misogyny doesn't mean that I don't also go through transphobia in a way unique to my presentation and experience. it also doesn't mean I shouldn't be able to share those experiences. it doesn't have to be an either/or of who experiences transphobia because we all do. there's different types and they are all terrible.

trans men and transmascs insisting that there is a specific type of transphobia aimed at masculine trans people should not even be controversial. we are not cis men saying we're persecuted for being male/masculine/etc. we are not the ones oppressing and hurting trans women. insisting that we're transmisogynists for creating an ONLINE INTERNET LABEL to make it easier to talk about and refer to the transphobia we specifically as a transmasculine population face is not the activism you think it is and also does nothing to bolster your own community. does it help you to hurt others? or does it tear down a vulnerable population in your community that is not hurting you by posting on tumblr dot com? don't act like you're the virgin mary for fucking calling out transmascs to a wide audience and getting them harassed for having an experience different from yours and daring to share about it

seeing someone hurting because of the transphobia they face and making it about you and then invalidating their struggles is so uncompassionate and cruel. youre doing the same thing to us as you don't want done to you. we know we're not oppressed for being men. like please be so seriously fucking for real. most of us lived as and grew up being treated like women (and many of us still are!!!!!!!) and so we KNOW how terrible men can be-- many of us are victims of them. we KNOW that men are not oppressed and we KNOW that being a man in this world provides you with a privilege. we're saying that despite what being a man supposedly awards you according to patriarchal society, we are not always privileged in that way. and we don't think that it's right that men are privileged nor do we want that system to continue.

the anger and hurt is not directed at disappointment/anger at not being advantaged "as promised", it's at the fact that we're being harmed. that's it. and then when we share that harm, we're dogpiled and called misogynists and people write fucking callout posts over us being like "this transphobic thing happened to me as a trans man." makes sense!

the term transandrophobia is not meant to water down or lighten the idea of transphobia or transmisogyny, it's just supposed to clarify and provide a word for what we go through and feel. transandrophobia is NOT "I'm oppressed for being a man and I'm oppressed for being trans and I suffer equally from these things. hashtag not all men!!!!!", it's "I suffer because of how the world treats me as a transgender man/transmasculine person and I have not been allowed to talk about that because people think I'm saying that I'm oppressed for the man part and not the trans part."

we are on trans women's side and claiming that we also face transphobia in a specific and vicious way does not take away from the fact that trans women face it from an intersectional front of facing transphobia and misogyny in tandem. we are just saying "this is our community's flavor of transphobia and we would like to seek comfort and understanding from people who have gone through similar experiences." we are supposed to be brothers and sisters and this entire argument between what is supposed to be a community is so stupid

[coldresolve]

I’m sorry if this comes off as ignorant, that is not my intention.

What is torture apologia? I haven’t been able to find a specific definition and it’s confusing for me. What does it look like in regard to the whump community? On top of that, what are some ways to avoid this in writing?

If you don’t want to type out a response to this, how can this be researched? You make some good points in your post about it, and I want to make sure my own writing isn’t based on stereotypes and misinformation about the subject. I am very, very new to the “whump” community, so I don’t fully understand the ways that torture apologia might be displayed in some of the popular writings.

Thank you for your time, and I apologize if this comes off as ignorant or confrontational.

hey no worries, youre not gonna offend me by asking a clarifying question. what pisses me off are the people who flat out dismiss everything i have to say without actually engaging with it. youre nowhere close to that lmao i promise

uh. i use the sexual assault r-word a bit here, because i just came up with a good rule of thumb that requires drawing similarities between torture and r-word, so. trigger warning if you dont wanna read that

there is no real definition of torture apologia out there, but i treat it in the same way i would rape apologism. and i actually think theres real worth in keeping with that similarity, because rape is considered a form of torture. so like. yeah

id go as far as to say you can switch out "torture" with "rape" in your story to see if the logic holds up, if you might be saying something you don't want to say. for example, "my hero tortures the bad guy, and this is framed as a form of vigilante justice", swapped with rape, uh, might not exactly be the sorta message you would want to send lol. your hero can torture the bad guy ofc, im not saying they can't, but you better be ready to grapple with the full fucking depth of morality of a situation like that

off the top of my head, things i'd steer clear of:

anything that implies that torture is useful for any purpose. torture just traumatizes people, that's about it, and it's dangerous to spread ideas about whatever imagined utility, because your average person has zero grasp on basic ethics - this is what turns your "useful" torture into "sometimes justified". a third of people globally believe torture can be justified "in some cases". like i can't stress how real this issue is

torture works as an interrogation method or as a way to obtain false/forced confessions (useful)

torture can be used to make someone obedient (useful)

torture can be used to change people's beliefs (useful)

torture can be used to brainwash people/control them (useful)

stockholm syndrome through torture is included in ^ (useful and also just. ehh)

any variant of the ticking time bomb scenario (useful + justification)

torture being portrayed as "scientific"; torturers being "experts" in the "skill" or "art" of torture (implies utility)

when the bad guy does it, it's torture; when the good guy does it, it's vigilante justice (justification)

there's a handful of ideas people use a lot in fiction that i wouldn't necessarily categorize as apologia, but which do still send a message you maybe should think twice about sending. torture victims/survivors being "broken", they'll never be able to live full, happy lives, etc. and there's also this idea that torture only negatively affects the person who is being tortured. i especially think showing the effects torture has on perpetrators is worthwhile, but that might just me having a weird fascination with perpetrator trauma. torture also tends to fuck up the organizations that use it, so

[mushr00mfriend]

Hello!!!!

I just wanted to come on here and say that I love Delirium and your writing!!! It's so amazing how you managed to write such a rich and complex story without having it shoved down your throats or just underperforming. There are many things I loved about Delirium that I could go on and on about but I'm just going to settle on two things.

One is how I loved how Crow was written. Idk how to explain but I love anyone can imagine themselves in it. They are very ambiguous to the point where you can imagine what they would wear and not have to worry about if you can see yourself in them. A little rant incoming, but I've never liked how many authors always had a set image of their mc/reader in mind. This is different if regards their personality (we can't a boring mc can we?) but this is about how the author writes what the mc puts on or describes certain aspects of their body (hair or body) and this always set me off from most stories. Im sure this is such a small thing to get peeved over, but there many people that aren't included in that image of an mc an author has. When I reading Delirium, I was surprised on how Crow's appearance was never really described unless it was clarify wounds or things that happened to them. It's also amazing how Crow still has personality and yet is able to be imagined as anyone! Honestly, thank you for writing Crow/mc so ambiguously, ik this probably something stupid to thank you for but I'll thank you a thousand times for this.

Next would be how you wrote the relationships between the proxies and shades (I'm not if that's the right word) and overall the occupants of the mansion. It's very unique and interesting how you decided to write them actually caring and having fun with each other. A majority of the creepypasta fics I've read mostly involve all the proxies and others absolutely despising each other. Seeing each other as coworkers and nuisances. While I'll admit there are many fics out there that execute this perfectly, it's honestly boring and overused to see the proxies hate each other and yet live in the same house which honestly never made sense to me. Reading how the trio and others look out for each other, viewing them as friends and even family is honestly so astonishing. You managed to write the Slender Mansion trope that was loved for it comedy and crack and turned it into something that was still on crack but had the serious element that comes with serial killers working for an eldritch being so perfectly. It's also crazy how you wrote the characters as well. I mean the main trio in most fics would be written to hate each other and have that "I hate my coworkers but we have funny banter once in awhile". It's funny but I think prefer your version of the trio. In reality, they're just a bunch a mentally ill men who find solace and peace with each other. While they do banter, it's more light-hearted and teasing. How they're written with others is also amazing. The scene with Ben was pure comedy to me. Usually they argue and tell the other to fuck off but seeing how they interacted with him was so cool. I adore how you wrote the proxies and others together and I cannot wait for more.

I literally cannot for Delusion to come out. It's been on my mind for so long I'm pretty its evolved itself into my brain. I do have some questions regarding the story but please don't worry if you can't or won't!

1.) Are the Acts going to focus on something specifically? Is there a clear plot going on? An example could be like Act 1 focusing on Crow adjusting to their new life and then Act 2 being their victims or something else. I'm sorry if this was worded weirdly!!!

2.) Is Kate going to be a main part of the story or just someone who appears in one act? Is she going to put Crow into some trouble? Will Crow feel inclined to live up to her legacy or just feel indifferent?

3.) How are the others (proxy trio and occupants in the mansion) going to react to Crow now being part of the family? Is there going to be resentment towards them joining in? Are they going to be compared to Kate? (I'm not sure if I can ask this but doesn't hurt to try.)

4.) Is Crow going to retain their old personality or just be an empty husk that grows into their personality? Will they keep likes, dislikes or preferences? Or have to learn about their self all over again?

5.) Who are the love interests going to be? Is there going to be little or a lot? Will they come from beyond the Slender Mansion?

I think those are all the questions I have. Please feel free to not answer them if they are spoilers to Delusion or ruin the element of surprise you are planning!!!

I also have some hc's regarding Crow which I'm going to keep short.

1.) I like to think that Crow starts to collect shiny things or just starts to collect in general. Part of their namesake after all.

2.) From what I remember, crows are known to be super intelligent and remember the faces of those who are kind to them. They even give gifts to them. Id like to think that Crow remembers everyone. The ones who were kind, mean, etc. They won't leave gifts but maybe they show in subtle ways that they remember and appreciated it.

This is so long. I'm so sorry if this was super chunky but leaving long comments and asks is my love language to all my favorite authors. I hope you have a good day or night and take care!!!!

I am grabbing you gently by the face and looking you deeply in the eyes before planting a big messy kiss on your forehead!!! I am taking you by the hands and taking you to the aquarium!! We will go to the touch tank and giggle about the rays splashing us with water!!!

I was not expecting such a wonderful dissertation in my inbox! Your words mean so, so much to me. There's so much love and care I've put into Delirium and to see that others are able to get it is frankly, staggering. I'll be honest, I never expected the reception I've gotten on Delirium. Hoped for it, yes certainly! But it was like a pipe dream. Please lend me your ear for the ramble that I will now bestow upon you as a reward for your lovely, lovely words.

Crow was/is my best attempt at ambiguity because I, like you, did not like the heavily intended imprint that other authors put on reader-inserts. Power to them, of course, it's their sandbox-- but as a nonbinary person, The intense fem lean in so many of them really made me uncomfortable. Not to mention the explicit whiteness present in nearly all of them! I've been trying to lend an ear to the BIPOC parts of the fandoms I'm in and one thing that really stood out to me was the fact that many authors don't notice that the way they use descriptors implies that the reader is White. It's because they are White themselves, of course, but it really hit me that internal biases can come out in such subtle ways (is it a bias? Probably not the right word, but I'm more talking about the way one thinks about themself and how it translates into text, with a racial focus).

Then I made a friend who has Alopecia and is bald, or nearly so. And I realized that so many reader fics put emphasis on the presence of hair. This also ties into the BIPOC exclusion, because a lot of that description also implies that the hair is straight or wavy, not curly or coily.

So, I've tried my best to read about it and eliminate those unconscious descriptors from Delirium. I'm certain its not perfect-- most people have hair, for example, and with different textures, so it's hard to not mention hair at least once-- but I tried to give it the best I've got with a vagueness that could imply almost nearly everyone. 

It's harder with personality, with Crow's reactions to things, with the family set up, with the relationship with Cathy (I've gotten lots of comments regarding these); but as you said, no one likes a boring MC, and I'm okay with these things being picked over. They're integral parts of the story I'm writing, after all-- but what Crow looks like? That isn't.

(I'm open to constructive criticism, of course. The internal biases ingrained into us through the dominant culture are deep set and require constant maintenance and vigilance. Learning comes from both the self and others.)

Yes! Yes! The relationships are so important to me!! Gah! I've put these little guys in the spin cycle of my brain for so long!! At this point they have been so blorbo-fied that releasing them back into the wild will certainly lead to their death, so I keep them safe in their enclosures and make them get along :] -- Shades is the right word, by the way! Anyone not a Proxy is a Shade.

The ever-present tension and fighting is interesting, yes, because conflict is tasty-- but as you said, this does not bode well in a living situation. I've done quite a few instances of close living with others for periods of time (camping, mainly), and with many types of people. Some chill and some not. And despite the not-chill ones being there and causing problems, those problems didn't happen all the time. When a group is so big, there comes a point where the members get along because they have to. Social pressure does a lot, but the shared existence does as well. No one is bad or mean all the time.

Now, murderers 'employed' by otherwordly beings is a different barrel of fish, of course. But we treat our crack seriously here. How good is your 'business' of your 'employees' are constantly yelling and beating the shit out of each other in front of the 'customers'? This isn't a Waffle House. It's a respectable manslaughter establishment. This is a Waffle Home.

And here I burst into tears and blubber nonsensically on the floor-- hearing someone say they like my interpretation of the Proxy trio dynamic makes my week. My month. My year. My goddamn lifetime.

"In reality, they're just a bunch a mentally ill men who find solace and peace with each other"

You!! You get it!! You see it!! My tears could replace the ocean. With all they've been through, everything they've seen and experienced together, the horrors they go through every day-- in the end they have each other. They rely on each other. They trust each other. They bicker and banter and argue and fight and after that they put each other back together. They help each other hold their broken pieces. Their relationship is messy and brutal and harrowing and so, so good. Companionship blooms on the battlefield. Devotion flows out the trenches. Fealty coats their bullets. It fills their bunks. It keeps them warm against the icy cold.

Okay, enough weeping.

The scene with Ben was quite important, in my eyes-- from what I remember, there hadn't been any sort of scene with the Proxies and the other's in their Family interacting (Jason isn't part of their Family, to be clear). It's an important scene because it's stage dressing. It shows you what goes on, expands upon the fanon-atypical characterization. To bring back the 'business' metaphor-- the Proxies are like supervisors. They take orders from management (their Lord). They must, then, be at the very least cordial with the workers (Shades) to keep the business operating. In my world, in my interpretation, they're all in the same boat. They're all trying to make it to the end of their shift. They have to work together, they're a team. So, at this point, when everyone's been coworkers for so long, everything just kind of mellows out. They've had their disagreements and arguments, there's been grudges, etc. But everything's chill now.

At least until the new hire arrives. Now that's certain to stir things up :]

Responding to your Crow headcanons wayyyy at the bottom:

1. This is an excellent one because I love trinkets and it's such a fun way to tie into the name symbolically. This is going into the character sheet for sure.

2. Memory is a complicated subject here, but I will say this plays in nicely with what is to come :]

(I'm also always, always rabid for thoughts about my book and it's characters, so feel free to lay more headcanons on me!)

---

As always, I write way too much. Answers to your (wonderful) questions under the readmore:

1. Not weird! There is a clear, overarching plot that builds throughout the book; the 'Acts' are essentially the more minor plot arcs that the characters will go through, the kind that flows into each other and both builds on themselves and that bigger plot behind them. Your examples are quite similar to what I'm thinking! Act 1 will be about Crow adjusting to their new life, yes, but also other things. The other acts, well... You'll see ;]

2. If I say nothing, that's almost like saying something, isn't it? ;]]

3. Resentment, yes, as well as curiosity, anger, eagerness, bitterness, and much more. Some of these feelings will change for the better, some worse. Crow will most certainly be compared to Kate-- they're her replacement, after all. Some won't care about that, and other's will be incredibly hurt.

4. A little bit of both-- Crow will retain parts of themself, and have to relearn many others. Some things will never quite come back, and some new parts will come to light. Think of yourself as you were a year ago. Are you the same? What about five years ago? It's a similar thing if you ignore all the eldritch-bullshit going on.

5. This is a liiiiiitle harder to answer than the others (genuine rant/discussion incoming. Sorry):

 I've been thinking on this exact thing for a long while. I don't really... Have a firm grasp on what romance is or looks like. When I first started this project my goal was for Crow to get all romantical with the Proxy trio (Masky, Hoodie, and Toby) because I thought I wanted them to kiss me on my hot mouth. That was like, seven to eight years ago. Not saying I don't want to mack on em still! Just that my personal life journey has meandered along until I had to take a good, long look at the story and wonder what I wanted it all to say in the end.

There's a lot of hard, heavy topics in Delirium. There's gonna be a lot more in Delusion. We're talking about severely mentally ill serial killers and Lovecraftian horrorterrors here-- it's gonna get pretty ugly. And as I've been pulling together the plot and writing the characters and constructing the end, and thinking about my own life, I realized something.

Romantic love is always placed on a pedestal. It's considered the final destination, the top of the pyramid. It's what everyone wants, what everyone needs to feel complete. To be complete. To be fixed and healed. Not only that-- it's what you should want and need. It's what should fix and heal you. And if you don't-- if it doesn't-- something is terribly, terribly wrong with you.

At least, that's the current zeitgeist (the defining spirit or mood of a particular period of history as shown by the ideas and beliefs of the time, thanks internet). But that's not really true, is it? It isn't the reality for a lot of people. It isn't for me.

I may be philosophizing and queer theory-ing a little too hard over a Creepypasta reader-insert fanfiction, but it's what I feel. For many real people, and for these characters, romantic love won't save them. It can't. But does one need to be saved? Does one need to be 'fixed' or 'made complete', especially by love? Who says they are broken, or incomplete in the first place? Is that what I really want to say here? Not really.

So there was no romance in Delirium. And if you (I'm using the non-specific, all encompassing you here) are hoping that there will be some in Delusion, I'm not sorry to say there won't be. Not in my opinion, at least. Because, really, there's gonna be parts in Delusion that people can construe as romantic. It's not necessarily un-romantic-- there's gonna be kissing, hand holding, cuddling, sharing clothes, making food for one another, sharing interests, sharing secrets, entwining lives inseparably, etc. Some can argue that these are actions reserved for romantic partners-- but I do all of these things with my friends. Others in real life do as well. What delineates romantic love from platonic love? Sex? Certainly not. People have sex with strangers they'll never see again. Are they in love? Friends with benefits exist. Are they in love? Some married people, when they grow old, stop having sex. Are they no longer in love? Some people don't have sex until after being married. Do they not love each other? Some people date for several months or years before having sex. Were they not in love until then?

Or, more importantly-- did they not care for each other until sex was put in the equation? I think that's something that is-- incorrectly-- tied to sex. That one does not actually care, or trust, until they have sex.

Do you not share your food with your friends? Your secrets? Do you not spend time with your friends? Go out to eat with them, see movies, play games? Do you not share your interests with them? Your art? The vulnerable, fragile sides of you? 

A cat shows you its belly. A dog stares at you, pressed as close to you as possible. A lizard closes its eyes as you watch it. A deer lowers its head to graze. A snail gently rasps its radula against your skin. A caterpillar inches across your finger. A mouse cleans itself in front of you. A crow brings you gifts.

How is that not trust? How is that not care? How is that not love?

I think it's one of the fatal flaws of reader-insert fanfiction. Generally people expect romance with these things. How do I, exactly, essentially, 'advertise' that Delirium and Delusion are an insert fic without an x or /? The ampersand (&) has been making its way through the general ecosphere, but I don't know how well it translates. I don't want to falsely advertise, but at the same time I don't want to miss readers who may genuinely like it, who will read and be satisfied in the end even if there's no true romance.

So, to finish: there will be no love interests. But the original vision stands: Crow will have a deep relationship with Masky, Hoodie, and Toby. They will be close to others as well (that may be spoilers, so I'm keeping it vague).

Thank you, again, for your words. For taking the chance and reading my work. I hope to make Delusion live up to your expectations <3

[weabooweedwitch]

Different anon here, I really appreciate when you vent here. Yeah you don't have perfect thoughts, you're not a self-sacrificing saint of patience and virtue, but seeing someone let out those thoughts without worrying about always seeming like the objectively correct person in every single situation is very liberating to me personally. I've been in a very similar family situation, and I also know I was not an angel in those circumstances either. Seeing someone else willing to talk about the nitty gritty shit instead of just "oh woah is me for they are toxic and I am but a fragile victim" fuck ESPECIALLY after you got raided for it? You're brave as fuck, brutally honest as fuck, and anyone can respect your feelings, but fuck I respect YOU. I hope you're able to cut ties eventually and live a more fulfilling life, my life didn't feel like it started until I was able to break free. I'll hold out hope for you :) (and also keep an eye out if you ever decide to take comms again because I totally missed that and would've jumped on it.)

I mean don't get me wrong, I do think and kind of analyze how I must be perceived when I say certain things, not in the sense that I adjust what I say but more so internally thinkg "I probably sound like a POS right now" but like, since part of the reason I vent is for, I guess, to help clarify certain things and, get feedback if people feel the urge to, that only comes from being honest, idk? Like I guess, not that I'm really saying this is her fault, but my mom told me "oh they only believe you because they plonly heard YOUR story" so many times I just settled into "ok well if I tell EVERYTHING as I can remember it, then I'll have more information to tell if I was right or wrong".

Like for sure I definitely overshare a lot but I also try and genuinely use it not just as comfort and just, letting loose of those negative feelings, but it's also like I guess, a diagnostic tool to gauge the situation? Idk does that make sense? Like sure I COULD write in a diary that only I can see, but would that help me realize if I'm making a mistake or if I AM the victim? Does that "answer" my racing anxious thoughts? It's like that. It's like a problem I'm trying to find the solution for.

Tbh me continuing to vent after the whole raid thing is kind of in itself a very co-dependant behavior on my part because it's sort of like, I am directly making myself a target for people to potentially really try and wound me, but it's also like, the pain of having to keep everything inside and not knowing "what I'm supposed to think" or if I'm right or wrong or, even just not being heard is really much more painful to me. The doubt and curiosity and guilt for, so many things in my life can literally eat me alive sometimes.

And I even recognize that my mom has done and tried a lot for me, more than a lot of other parents. But that also doesn't erase a lot of the issues we have? Like even if I learn to calm myself down and act more, I guess, appropriately, I would still be constantly hurt by these behaviors of hers? It would still be incredibly stressful to see her scold me for things she does all the time, and I'm still upset about how I can't even go "please don't interrupt me" and her immediate response being "but YOU interrupt ME all the time" like there is definitely a mutual respect and self improving that needs to go on, I by no means consider myself perfect in any way but I will say that I consider myself better than her at reading poeple and trying to behave appropriately and empathetically. one thing that had bonded us when I was younger was, it sounds fucked up in hindsight but when we were having so many problems with my sister we would be discussing like, what do we do, how do we act around her, hey did you notice that thing she did that might be a symptom, and my mom would tell me I was so so good at predicting how my sister would respond, not even inherently in a manipulative way, like I would go "im afraid if we tell her XYZ that that will only make her angry and she won't want to talk to us" and even with these recent stressful events with her, she praised me for being able to try and communicate with my sister as best I could and even after, like, that really stressful awful visit, she turns to me and says "you were right, you were totally right, she did exactly what you thought she would do"

And its like, I just wish, she respected me enough to try and give some credence and, idk, if im smart enough when talking about everything else, why am I never smart enough when I say "hey mom this thing you did, i think was wrong and it hurt me" or even just "hey mom please don't do that thing, I think that's really irresponsible and could backfire on us" and she just gets defensive. Like, to list an example of something that doesnt even have to do sith our relationship, she says I criticize her driving too much (which I totally admit I can do sometimes, I've been having nightmares since childhood involving being in the car and I'm naturally anxious in cars) but like then I can list examples of "hey mom when you turned left at that light you literally swung over so early you were briefly in the oncoming traffic lane and crossed over the double yellow line to get into your lane, you should drive farther forward and THEN turn, i see you do this almost every day" and its just automatically "ugh Miranda it's every day with you, I can't do one single thing right"

It's almost like you know, I'm losing my patience because she won't like review her actions, and then I have to bring things up all the time, and then she just feels attacked because I'm bringing them up all the time and this almost stubbornly refuses to do anything about it almost out of spite it feels like, which then just. Makes me more impatient and call those things out more.

And on another note, like I constantly whiplash between "God she drives me crazy, I hate her, she doesn't deserve my respect, she's stupid, i have to run away and never ever see or talk to her again" to "no I want to hug my mom and tell her about all these interesting things I've read and us watch TV together and smoke together and I'll miss her when I'm gone, I have to have to HAVE TO try and fix this before it's too late because what happened between her and HER mom has done so much damage to her". We might have a bad argument where I say shitty things to her and she says shitty things to me and we could be in the car as she drives me to work and I might try and make some small talk because, idk maybe it's BPD or mood regulation but sometimes I can move on from things quickly, and she'll just give me the silent treatment or reply with something snarky and I'll think "yeah I guess I deserve that"

And other things i worry about are like, when I was living in Florida with roommates there was an incident where she slipped and fell on the ice and she had horrible body aches and was struggling to go to the store and buy food for herself and I was panicking and wanting to try and have food delivered for her? She sometimes struggles to take the trash out because she needs her knees replaced and she's kind of, always had chronic issues she's still trying to find the cause for, and like, before this recent round of our relationship getting worse we had been discussing trying to get a first time homeowners loan together so we could finally settle down somewhere and have permanant housing, something that was OURS, no more apartments, no more awful neighbors

But those things are only possible if we can work together and both of us have issues? Both of us have our own problems that have to be worked on, and, I often wonder if either one of us are just "stuck in our ways" but there are so many times where, like, obviously money is a factor but there are so many times I'm not seriously looking into moving out not just because I'm scared of being on my own but also scared of leaving her by herself and scared that, what if we break that bond and never see each other again and suddenly one of us gets into an accident or she gets sick or, you know?

And on a flipside of that, while I was living away and paying my own bills and having you know my first ever job, she needed to borrow money from me a few times and it kind of devastated me because I thought, "oh I'm finally away and taking time for myself and she's still having trouble handling things, why can't I be allowed to focus on me, have time for me, have money for ME" because like. I do consider myself a caring and empathetic person but a lot of situations were pretty much forced on me where I had to expend myself or at least my mental energy on her specifically till I just felt, empty and unappreciated and used up.

I also recognize my mom wanting to use me as a friend and therapist also stems from issues she has with being able to trust and maintain relationships with other people but that's unfortunately a thing only really she and a counselor or something can focus on. I shouldn't have been tasked with, well, by her own admission there were many times where I was her sole pillar of emotional and psychological support and that was. That was such a heavy weight on a kids shoulders? And it eventually got to the point where I would say "hey mom sometimes i feel like you only talk to me when you need something or have to complain" and she'd brush me off until, I reached an age where I would tell her straight to her face "I don't care" because she wouldn't let me set those boundaries where her venting to me was a consensual thing, it eventually became "obligatory" and it'd literally be her like, talking and talking where you haven't said anything for like 5 or 10 minutes straight and I would see her do this to my grandma to the point my grandma would literally hold the phone away from her ear and occasionally only "check back" to see if she was still going.

Like when I try and step back and look at things analytically, I think a lot of this anger and resentment in me stems specifically from my pre-teen/teen years. I was still a kid and still emotionally vulnerable and, you know, not fully developed and needing my own help, but I was mentally and emotionally "mature" enough that my mom often confided a lot in me, and even later on she admitted she tried to treat me more as a friend than as a mom, but, it got to a point where I was a huge source of support to her in ways that were damaging to me. Like jesus when I first started working and me and my mom would like, talk about my day and my problems with coworkers, I remember, I so vividly remember thinking "gosh it's sure nice to like actually be able to understand this stuff now" because I would be in elementary or middle school and she'd be talking about complex inter-work issues I literally couldn't understand? I couldn't even understand or become invested in what she was trying to say and then "wasn't allowed" to disengage from the subject. I would be in a car with her liyerallt wanting to bail out onto the road because she'd be talking and talking and not even checking if you're listening or following along

I just. I constantly have to ask myself if this is a situation that can br permanantly improved and "be normal" and, that's going to take work from both of us, and unfortunately both of us are pretty good at finding excuses

[cancerstanople]

We need to talk about the gaslighting that comes with growing up marginalized.

For as long as I've been able to communicate my lived experiences in words, I've had those experiences minimized, disregarded, contested. Because I perceive the world differently than those around me, my view of the world isn't treated as real.

As a result, Im unable to trust my own instincts. Whenever I share something about myself, someone has always talked over me, tried to tell me otherwise, as if they have the authority to override my memories. And because of that, I no longer recognize myself as the one in control.

I first noticed this in regards to my neurodivergence, when I saw how other people read social cues compared to how I viewed them. Allistic people are constantly fighting me about what I mean behind what I say, because they don't think literally about other people. I'm constantly fighting neurotypicals, trying to make them understand that I'm real.

Then I noticed it when I talk to white people about race. I've yet to have a conversation with a white person about race without them getting defensive, protective over what's not even theirs. How badly they want to use AAVE, steal from black creatives, let them into BIPOC spaces without them budging an inch. They insist that they're not racist, no matter the circumstance. The White Lives Matter crowd imply that the motive of BLM and modern civil rights movements is not liberation or even equality, but malice and superiority. Constantly fighting me about something they don't know a damn thing about, and me constantly having to remind them I am real.

With men, and how they feign incompetence so women will do something for them. How they take up everyone else's space, without regard for anyone else's discomfort. How quickly they point blame at victims of rape and assault.

With cis people, their insistence that trans people only exist to hurt others. That we're predators, or we're prey of a mass brainwashing conspiracy, that we're confused, that we don't understand reality. The underlying theme of it all being that the way we experience the world cannot be it.

It's gaslighting. It's people telling you you're crazy, you're wrong, you're lying, you're misremembering. It's gaslighting for years and years by everyone around you, until you don't know who to trust anymore, not even yourself.

If you're cis, straight, white, a man, neurotypical, or any other of the "default settings," how quickly did you start telling yourself "I'm not like that. Not everyone like me is like that." Of course, I must clarify that not every man is an evil lying bastard and not every white person is a Nazi, but the fact that I feel I have to clarify this. The fact that it's so commonplace for people to respond to ideas that cause any sort of discomfort with anger, hostility in the hopes of absolving themselves of guilt. It's telling.

How much longer do we have to keep fighting? How much longer do we have to prove to the world that we exist, that we're real, that our lives are not lies we made up or hallucinations all in our heads? Because I've been fighting for at least since I've started speaking, and the odds have been stacked against me for centuries before I was born.

I'm tired. I just want to be real.

[oni-tengu]

DONT REBLOG

ive basically had my ask box open for months so feel free to send requests but i got a booster today & my shit hurted (arm is sore) so im gonna chill tonight maybe. idk.

aaaaanyway, status aside, i just. man. those asks this morning LMAO ive had to just say shit before (ie getting inc*st shippers in my notifs) & clarify im not down with this shit, so.

i just need to talk, and if you disagree with the following, have any issues at all, question the legitimacy of things listed below, just do me a favor & block. i wont be responding to any potential distaste for anything i talk about, but here's some shit i am against and feel vital to clarify. so you know where i lie and that this blog has no space for awful things, its become unfortunately very important to state certain....things. long post

cw / tw for mature topics in mention (AGAINST the following) : p*dophilia inc*st gr**ming

firstly, the topic of inc*st. hard no, this ALSO goes for anything involving minors in any sexual context, minors with adults in an unreasonable age gap (lets just say the limit is 18 y/o with a 20 y/o as acceptable and i generally avoid thinking about people under 20 anyhow bc im 23 and ive lost relatability with people that much younger than me)

why? the idea that fiction does not affect reality is just something i dont agree with. fiction needs criticism, yes, but having things portraying p*do and inc*st in a sexually gratifying light contributes to brainwashing & grooming, and ive seen it firsthand because i was on homestuck tumblr in 2012 when i was 13 years old and it was NORMALIZED. it was a case of community grooming and it FUCKING WORKED. i feel grateful that i was able to see past it when i got older but it was DANGEROUS and theres a plethora of horror stories of kids at cons & meetups being actively groomed and put into harmful situations in real life. this is just a fact, this all happened, i witnessed it firsthand, and i have friends that were right there with me.

placing the blame on minors and victims is not the response anyone should have. saying to "think critically" about the media a person consumes when someone is being actively harmed by the topics above, is harmful in itself. it is not on the victims to "know better" when they are being groomed, just because it seems easy for others, when this is an active, real life issue. and honestly, fuck you so hard if you disagree with that, or that its not even "real"

i truly have such a hard time believing that people honestly defend literal fucking p*dophilia online under the guise of "its harmless fiction". i think people who agree with that are perpetrating this propaganda, brainwashing, and the minors who think its okay HAVE been brainwashed and they dont even know it. they vehemently defend it, and most people in the REAL WORLD would be horrified and disgusted by this, even afraid for these teens and preteens. i certainly am!

moving on to the next point of discussion, i think sexualities and genders should be respected! youd think this is an obvious one, but hey look, last night someone wanted me to draw dirk strider in a romantic ship with a woman. this goes for fiction and real life, sexuality and gender matter & should be respected. ill be honest, theres some microlabels and identities i dont always understand, but people finding comfort in things, figuring stuff out, its usually just something you should let be, and i try to. i dont believe harassment is the answer & i'd go out of my way to defend someone with an identity i dont understand, if theyre being bullied! as long as youre not being offensive or harmful, this is a safe area for yall

i.e. trans men are men, trans women are women. i've had my own identity questioned since i identify with being nonbinary/agender and a lesbian at the same time, and to me and many others in the community, this makes sense, but to others it clearly does not. as long as youre not encroaching on communities that are not for you, your identity should be respected, and i am determined to reflect that in my creations as well.

to wrap this up, hoping i got the more "controversial" things out of the way, i want to point out that there are nuances to every social topic. i was not born with knowledge of all things, and every year im learning about stereotypes ive never heard of, history that belongs to communities im not a part of! so, i want to say that if im unconsciously adding to or portraying some offensive thing, itd be important to me to be made aware. morals & empathy are two things i care about very deeply and if theres something i should know, then i'd at least LIKE to know.

if theres another social topic that matters to you enough that you want to know where i stand so you can feel comfortable in who you follow, i'd be open to questions. but to reiterate: any bullshit about disagreeing with me, any hate, etc will not be responded to & will be met with a VERY adorable block (: so cute when that block button is utilized. feel free to use it tbh

so. there we are. showing my whole ass here. morality matters and im sticking to my guns

TL:DR

i hate inc*st and p*dophilia, fiction affects reality, non harmful identities should be respected, tell me if i fuck up.

[thedeviljudges]

i think ive finally identified what makes me annoyed about twitter, and generally social media in general in this era. ppl have lost the ability to read context and read between the lines. now it’s become commonplace to over correct or over explain, which accompanies an apology so that there is clarification over what someone says, even if it’s not needed.

like there’s a loss of the responsibility from the reader to use their own common sense to understand an original post and its intention. now, it’s relying on the original poster to spell it out for everyone while the reader has become adjusted to a quick-fire reaction instead of asking themselves whether it’s worthy of said reaction. in some cases, yes. it’s rightfully deserved. but in a lot of cases, the onus shouldnt be on the op to overly explain to people the things they’re saying just to avoid someone taking it the wrong way.

i really dont know if there are terms associated with this, but seeing the amount of people explain themselves, say sorry, and then further go into clarification when it’s completely unnecessary is astounding. as i told someone else, we’ve created individuals to be in a place of subordination (similar to a place of victims) by constantly having them apologize and clarify to follow up an opinion, observation or anything else that isn’t even controversial. 

maybe it’s bc im older but i have full understanding that when youre saying something, there isn’t an ill intent, and it’s just a discussion. i’m not sure how else to explain this but ig lemme try an example.

i really like xyz’s acting in angst roles.

that doesn’t mean i dont like their other light stuff. i just mean these are so good, and they can do whatever they want for characters.

this happens so often. there’s never a need for an apology or clarification. you, as a reader, should be able to pick up the unspoken component of sentence one. and as i said, sometimes clarification is needed, but it’s insane how internet and online talk culture was created only for it to be wiped away like this.

[likeadog]

okay so im seeing people get anons about this and its coming up in friend groups so i think now's actually a pretty good time to tackle the idea of religious (specifically cultic) abuse in media and how we as an audience interact with it

TLDR: dehumanization and sexualization of cult victims furthers the misunderstanding that cults "don't exist now", and RA survivors would feel much safer in fandom spaces if people acknowledged and analyzed the harmful portrayals of cults in media.

cw: discussions of cults, abuse, and sexual assault

also, if you have questions, please shoot me an ask or dm (off anon preferably, though)

let me start this with a disclaimer that i dont think every media that features ra is inherently bad. i think thats a bit harsh and as an ra survivor ive come to terms with the fact that there are going to be depictions of it in ways that maybe dont give it the respect it deserves, and trying to "what about [x]" everything will only lead people to talking in circles with themselves. what i want to address here is how you, as a consumer, respond to and parse out what cultic abuse means in any particular portrayal of it.

*also please don't harass people about their RAS status, like, if you see someone enjoying something with a less than stellar portrayal of cults, don't send them asks or dms like "well are YOU a cult survivor?" reducing the consumption of media to a yes or no game based on identity-- especially an identity that comes as the result of explicit pain and spiritual violation is not only derivative but also degrading to survivors and the people you're grilling. all we want is for people to think carefully about what they spread and portray, and how they think about those situations.

so, i think the first thing to tackle is...what is a cult? This is something that's surprisingly hard to define, especially in fictional settings with fictional cults. For example, (and pardon the use of this example, I don't feel like hunting for others), My Hero Academia has an organization in it that I would say fits the criteria for being a cult, but by and large isn't considered one by fans because it's not explicitly called a cult. (Although numerous cult jokes have been made about it). It also has an organization that IS explicitly referred to as a cult.

So, when you're dealing with how to process what is and is not a cult-- and how to make your presence safe for RA survivors, you have to be able to sift through more than just "did the narrative tell me this is a cult?"

There's a few different models people use; one of the most popular being the BITE model-- but I should clarify that the BITE model is really tailored towards religious and strictly hierarchal cults, but can be applied to other kinds of cults.

(and yes, there are cults other than religious/spiritual ones. corporate cults and wellness cults have been on the rise, and it's good to keep that in mind both when engaging with media and also in the real world.)

However, I'm a religious cult survivor, so a lot of my experience is strictly irt this, so please take what I say with a grain of salt, and know that I don't speak for every cult survivor, every religious cult survivor, or every religious abuse survivor. I am One Guy on the internet.

When it comes to media, I have a few questions I run through in order to figure out if something is A Cult.

1) Fringe Ideas. This one is one of those that most people know-- and often incorrectly use to attribute cult status to other things. However, it is worth mentioning, that you don't become a cult by following mainstream ideologies. BUT. BUT. not every group with weird ideas is a cult! Some groups are just weird and are fine being weird. It's a rectangles and squares situation. All cults have fringe ideas and behaviors, not all fringe ideas and behaviors belong to cults.

2) Hierarchies. Cults always have people in power, at least in my experience. There have been ideas thrown around about "completely decentralized cults"-- but to be honest, I'm not sure how I feel about that concept, and I don't know enough about it personally to say whether or not it's legitimate. If you have any sources, hmu.

BUT. Most cults have a power structure. You're going to have leaders, usually with a handful at the verrrrry tippy top, whose word is law. This can be associated with things like religious ideas (channelling god) or being "a genius", like in corporate cults.

3) Control. I cannot stress this enough; cults are all about control. How you think, feel, behave-- they discourage critical thought, encourage snitching on each other, buddy-group behavior; the BITE model explicitly lists these models of control.

4) Us V Them. Cults will give all those that oppose them or simply don't believe them a bad name. They're uneducated, they're evil-- it varies cult to cult, but you'll see them turning the non believers into a homogenous, frightening group. They want to discourage looking outwards, and they want to viciously isolate members.

Other things of note are extremism, talks of enlightenment, harsh punishments, the cult eating large portions of the member's finances, etc.

However, this post is largely to address FICTIONAL cults. and the unfortunate fact of the matter is that fictional cults are rarely fleshed out in a way that can be held one to one to a model, and, more often, don't even afford the victims of a cult humanity.

and this is one of THE biggest issues you find in cult portrayals. the leader is usually a charismatic, or perhaps menacing, figure, one that usually our protagonists-- who are rarely cult victims, they are typically outsiders (not inherently bad, mind you)-- faces personally, with the hoardes of mindless zombies forming one giant hurdle.

Naturally, this can be...hurtful. There's nuance to who is and is not a victim in a cult (although my rule of thumb is to look at what abuses that person specifically exerts over others-- and you can be both a victim and perpetrator of abuse. to treat them exclusively is lacking all nuance), but the people are the bottom, even if they joined willingly, are people who were preyed upon. Not only that, but many media cults forget that people can be born into cults, and never really had a choice to begin with. To treat these people like they are mindless-- or that they deserve the suffering they are in because they are there-- completely erases all nuance, humanity, and understanding to the cult survivior struggle. Not only that, but it continues to sensationalize and deify cult leaders, which is doing their job for them, really.

The second biggest issue is the romanticization and sexualization of cults, religious abuse, and cultic abuse.

(yes...this is a thing.)

The use of cults as a way to make a character edgy or tragic is one thing, but there's something sinister about using it to project a certain sexual behavior onto that character-- whether it be as the subjugator or subjugated. Sexual abuse is rampent in cults, and ritualistic sexual abuse is used to justify it. To sexualize the idea of a cult(ist) raping and abusing someone is...beyond offensive to anyone who has been in a cult where their sexual safety and autonomy has been compromised. Or, in some cases, the cultist is so naive and sheltered they can be easily coerced and taken advantage of due to their brainwashing.

This is...bad? This is bad. To ignore the fact that these depictions are just as harmful as any other romanticization of abuse is to ignore the real suffering of cult victims.

Really, the larger problem is that people don't really think cults exist, not really. They're all things of the past, or things that exist solely in fiction-- when in reality, every day cults form and continue to grow. If you've ever met a mormon, you've met a cultist. The moment you begin to process and parce the fact that this isn't as bizarre and unusual and fictional as it seems, you take the steps to respecting people who have been in that situation and become better at detecting cults, cult recruitment, and are able to more clearly assess what you take in.

Once again, there's so many bad portrayal of cults that it would be...stupid to call for an immediate disowning of anything with it in it. I personally have come to terms with the idea that I will have gripes about these portrayals in most cases, but rarely do I see people other than fellow RA or cult survivors discussing these portrayals. I'm hoping people can become more aware and willing to discuss cults in a serious and analytical context and criticize how they're portrayed in the things they love.

And once again, cult survivors are NOT a monolith. If a cult survivor expresses they are uncomfortable with something I said here that I'm not, or vice versa, listen to the people who actively surround you and whom you care about.

[faeriejukyung]

True Beauty’s Gaping Mother Wound

*disclaimer*: I understand that all the listed traits are things which are often very common in Asian households, and it may seem that rather than being concerning, these are just a part of Asian culture. That is why, I feel that it’s necessary for me to make it clear that I am, in fact, Asian (Indian to be specific), and parental abuse is something that is extremely normalized here. As someone who has experienced it firsthand, I want to say that just because something is common/normal, doesn’t necessarily mean that it is correct. If you or anyone you know is in a situation like that, it’s very very important to speak out. And it’s not your fault, i know it’s easier to believe that way but it’s really not. We deserve to be in a loving environment, regardless of what culture we are born in.

Throughout the drama, Jukyung’s mother shows many traits of an abusive mother. I have been able to outline 4 of them. I don’t mean to write her off as an evil character,, because overall she is well intentioned, and just like any other mom, she does love Jukyung. This is shown in episode 8 too, where she shows remorse for her actions. That however, doesn’t justify her abusive behavioral patterns in any way. Because we can see how badly it affects Jukyung, her self esteem and her overall view of herself.

-

Act 1: “I’m going to kill you today and go to jail” -- Physical Violence.

Throughout the series, we see Jukyung's mother being very violent. But one scene which particularly stood out to me was the scene where she finds out about Jukyung's dad getting scammed. (in episode 1). While it is true that her dad caused a huge financial loss to the family, and anyone would feel angry in a situation like that, it is also true that there is never a good reason to physically abuse someone.

After hearing the news, Jukyung's mom is overcome by anger. It's completely okay to feel frustrated, but the way she violently jumped at her husband, clearly intentioned to hurt him, and the way she needed to be held back by juyoung and heekyung highlights her abusive nature. And this isn't a one time thing where she momentarily lost control of herself. She constantly shows similar behavioural traits throughout the drama.

In the scene where we see Jukyung's mom and dad together properly for the first time, their relationship dynamic is established. He's meekly massaging her shoulders while she orders him around. Their is an obvious power imbalance in the relationship, and the way Jukyung's dad cowers in fear around Jukyung's mom is a proof of that.

-

Act 2: "Why would you kill my precious son?" -- Conditional Love.

We see examples of Jukyung’s Mom’s conditional love in the kdrama AND in the webtoon. Conditional love is when a parent or a parental figure makes their child compete for love. They withhold their affection until the kid acts in ways that are desirable to them, and if the kid fails to do so, the parent often punishers them through different methods. This is their way of maintaining control over their children.

Jukyung’s Mom’s conditional love manifests itself in the form of favoritism towards her eldest daughter Heekyung, who’s not only conventionally beautiful but also very smart and has a high paying job, and towards her youngest child and only son, Juyoung, who is also written to be very attractive. Both Juyoung and Heekyung have gifts that Jukyung does not posses -- beauty and brains. The conditions that are established in order to attain their mother’s affection are getting good grades at school, and being conventionally attractive, which is why Jukyung often gets the shorter end of the stick

In the scene where we are first meet Heekyung is the drama, their mom’s affection towards her is very evident.

This is shown in the webtoon too.

She displays this favoritism towards Juyoung too, and even more so. In episode 1 where Jukyung tries makeup for the first time, and gets ridiculed by him for doing a bad job at it, she naturally feels angry and yells at him, “do you want to die?!”, but instead of telling Juyoung to stop, their mother yells at Jukyung for yelling at Juyoung (”why would you kill my precious son? why?”). It’s already very evident that Juyoung has picked up the habit of constantly taunting Jukyung for her face from his mom. In the webtoon, when Jukyung decides that she wants to pursue makeup arts and asks for her mom’s support and fees for academy, her mom flat-out refuses, saying that they don’t have enough money. However as we find out later, money wasn’t the problem, because she had enough money to send Juyoung to a cram school for acting.

I find it hard to believe that any good parent would constantly compare their children and pit them against each other like this. In the webtoon and the kdrama, it is made clear that Juyoung doesn’t have particularly good grades either, but he doesn’t have to face his mother’s wrath by the virtue of being good looking. Jukyung on the other hand, does not have any redeeming qualities.

-

Act 3: “I’m going to throw all your makeup away” --Excessive Anger.

Another sign of parental abuse is display of excessive anger. It’s usually used as an intimidation tactic to keep the child in line. Sometimes, it can simply happen because they lose control of themselves. Either way, parents who get angry more often than what is supposed to be normal, and hurt their children (physically or verbally) in the midst of their anger, repeatedly, are abusive. I feel like I don’t even need to elaborate on this one. Jukyung’s Mom is angry during half of her scenes. And the way she acts upon that anger crosses the limit too. Don’t get me wrong, it’s important to express your the way you feel, but the way Jukyung’s Mom does it, is extremely unhealthy and hurtful to others around her. Whether she’s jumping on Jukyung’s dad or talking down on Im Jukyung, she’s very inconsiderate of how her anger affects others. She almost always expresses herself in an extremely volatile way.

Jukyung described makeup as a hopeful light opening up a new life for her. There’s even a whole music segment of her discovering the powers of makeup, characterized by pastel and bubblegum tones, and the segment has a magical feel to it. Suffice to say that makeup brought an almost magical kind of hope and optimism to her life. In episode 6, Jukyung's Mom goes to her school to get her report card. When she sees her low grades, she gets so angry that she threatens to throw away her makeup, without once considering why Jukyung is so attached to it. In my eyes, she's actually very similar to Soojin's dad who also uses intimidation and physical violence to keep his daughter in line. If we put the same background music for the scenes where we see Jukyung's Mom threatening her, as the ones where Soojin's dad abuses her, they'd practically be identical. The only difference is that the show often plays Jukyung's Mom's behavior as a joke.

In episode 7, after seeing that Jukyung didn't improve as much as she wanted her to, she actually threw away all her makeup. Even though Jukyung did try, and did improve, it still wasn't enough for her mom. Jukyung's restlessness after not seeing her makeup on her table was palpable through the screen. Finding out that her mother threw all her makeup away sort became her breaking point. We see her yell at her mother and express her feelings for the first time.

I think it's important to note that Jukyung, who's already finds it very tough to reach out to her courageous side, was inspired by this incident to stand up to her mom, to express her outrage. Saying that makeup meant a lot to her is an understatement.

-

Act 4: "What's the point of looking beautiful with all that makeup on if you're ugly underneath?" -- Verbal Abuse.

We all get into arguments with our parents from time to time, and I’m sure we’ve all been yelled at by them at some point. Verbal abuse however, is not something that is normal, and the two shouldn’t be confused. A parent who constantly humiliates their child, yells and screams at them, talks down on them is in simple terms, an abuser. 

In episode 1, when Jukyung tries makeup on for the first time and goes to school, she gets ridiculed by her bullies and her classmates. Crestfallen, she returns back home after school and goes to her mother for reassurance. Instead of providing that, her mother ridicules her even more and calls her makeup “Ghost Makeup”. This is something abusers often do. Under the guise of teasing the victim, they often attack the victim’s self esteem, appearance etc, to make them feel insecure and to maintain their position of power over them. Jukyung’s mother isn’t very different from those bullies who told Jukyung that she was ugly and made her feel like she could never amount to anything. 

Another example that irks me a lot is from episode 3, when Jukyung’s Mom is chewing her out for being late, and suddenly the conversation turns to cosmetics and makeup. This is also one of the traits of verbal abuse. Instead of arguments surrounding the basic issue, they branch out and turn into character assassination. Her mom accuses Jukyung of wasting all her time on makeup instead of studying, even when Jukyung clarifies that she got late because she missed her bus, not because she was out buying cosmetics. But her mom doesn't listen and says to her, “What’s the point of looking beautiful with all that makeup on when you’re still ugly underneath?” 

Jukyung’s face after hearing her own mother say that was heartbreaking. Unfortunately, this type of mother-daughter relationship dynamic isn’t something  that is rare. Mothers frequently project their own insecurities on their daughters and put them down. Jukyung’s Mother’s behavior explains her self esteem issues, it gives an insight about where her insecurities really stem from. Sometimes our abuser’s thoughts and image of us start maligning our own self image. Frequently hearing them tell us that we are worthless, and that no one will ever marry us or love us, makes us believe that we are in fact, worthless and incapable of being loved unless we change something about ourselves. We frequently get an insight into how Jukyung thinks of herself throughout the drama. 

“It’s not my fault that I was born dumb” (In episode 7, after finding out that her mother threw away her makeup.)

“You know that I’m messed up” (In episode 2, referring to her face, while asking Lee Suho to keep her bare face a secret)

The drama is yet to end so I don’t want to completely write Jukyung’s Mother off as an abuser. I hope she becomes a better mom in the show, I really do. Because Jukyung deserves a loving mother. And Jukyung's mom does in fact have a few redeeming qualities, however, simply love and caring isn’t enough, you need mutual respect, reassurance and effort in each every relationship. We know that Jukyung’s mother is also often labelled as an ugly woman, and she believes that she could only get by through studying well. (“It’s going to be okay as long as you study well” - episode 1). In a world where a woman either has to a exceptionally beautiful to be considered worthy, or be exceptionally intelligent and professional lest she isn’t blessed by beauty, it’s very easy to internalize self hatred and direct it on to other individuals (especially if those individuals are your children). That is why i genuinely find myself rooting for Jukyung’s mother and hoping for a character development arc -- because i understand where she comes from, and because i can empathize with her. 

-

Fin.

[mithliya]

not that you should classify it as sa, but it's just that you said it was consensual and yet you tagged the “goldstar server screenshots” as tw rape apologism. isn't that a contradiction? since you don't condone lying about rape, could you clarify what you meant by this tag?

wrt to the comments made by those in the server, i thought they meant the sex of the people you have sex with, is an indication of sexuality. while the relationship between sex and drugs varies from person to person, there's a line that shouldn't be crossed. i haven't come across research showing sexual orientation as being easily swayed by drugs, but rather the relationship between sexual orientation and drug (ab)use. if you've come across research showing the former, do you mind sharing it?

i mean theyre specifically talking about several rape victims and theorising they're lying about being raped, argued women on radblr are most likely lying about the rape they faced, argued that me being asleep while a guy did something to me is an indication of my sexuality, argued that sth being done 2 someone while intoxicated is also an indication they wanted it, etc. im not sure how stuff like that wouldn't fall under rape apologism? how is literally saying rape victims are lying and saying those women must've wanted it not basic rape apologism?

also i never said sexual orientation is "easily swayed by drugs". i never said these substances made me suddenly into dudes, at all. i said i was on substances on many occasions. idk why u think me being asleep, half-asleep, or even moreso dissociated bc of substances is somehow saying my sexual orientation was "swayed by drugs" rather than me simply saying i couldn't cope w the situation at hand and had to be out of it to be able to merely get through it.

[fiery-lune]

You’re not wrong about you being able to draw what you want, but holy crap, your attitude on this is astounding. I don’t think it’s that hard to just say, “yes, they’re adults.”

You’re acting as if it’s such a hard thing to do and overreacting. I’m an adult, I write aged up characters, but I don’t think it’s necessary to get all worked up over someone asking if they’re aged up.

Before you go off, yes I know where the unfollow and block button are lol. I very well will be using these, but I thought I should point out that the way you react to things matter. People can be concerned about adults drawing underage kids inappropriately and also be concerned about real life things. Not sure why they can’t. People just want to stop the normalization of sexualizing underage characters, which you were NOT doing (I clearly understand this), but it’s not a crime for people to ask.

Your drawing isn’t the problem here—it’s your attitude and your responses. I know making this anon is probably hopeless, but in the hopes that maybe you’ll see where some of your followers come from, I just thought I would point out the real problem. I wish you the very best. You are extremely talented and I’ve enjoyed your art thus far, so thank you for sharing ❤️

this is the last thing im gonna answer regarding this:

I don’t think it’s that hard to just say, “yes, they’re adults.”

Of course it's not. I said "I mean i guess" because I already saw this stupid discussion coming, people twisting my words and blowing it way out of proportion. sigh

What I meant to say was that wether or not I make their respective ages clear, the drawing is gonna stay the fucking same. It's the perception of it that people have (and that I'm not responsible for) that actually makes that difference. It's subjective. I drew them thinking about aged up characters and thought it was a given, until i got that first ask.

People can be concerned about adults drawing underage kids inappropriately and also be concerned about real life things.

Indeed, but I have absolutely no bussiness having that discussion with someone who's not even supposed to be on this platform. The thing is that I've seen this kind of discourse happen so many times, I already know what kind of person is on the other side and what they think they are defending. And it's funny how they're usually more concerned with pointing an accusatory finger towards adult content creators making content for other adults than they are about real, breathing, human victims of sexualization/abuse. It's self righteous and quite fucking ridiculous, considering we're not talking about real people here. All I did was draw. I didn't hurt anybody.

well, except maybe this person who got really butthurt over it

I’m an adult, I write aged up characters, but I don’t think it’s necessary to get all worked up over someone asking if they’re aged up.

Good for you.

Unfortunately with art it's different. Writing gives you the opportunity to clarify and define so many things that an image simply can't, cause it's debatable any way you look at it.

What you do takes a lot more time and investment from the people who consume your content, when it comes to me, people stare at it for maybe less than a minute, and if they do get invested they assume or project their own thoughts onto my art. Sometimes they're good and nice but some other times they take it as an invitation to either tell me what to do, how to do it, or question my artistic choices in general, not even giving me a chance to express what I was going for and assuming I'm a bad person.

I'm having none of that shit anymore, that's why I "get worked up" about a fucking stranger being rude. And I have every right to.

Your drawing isn’t the problem here—it’s your attitude and your responses.

Like I said before, the first ask came off as rude and condescending as fuck, as if demanding an explanation for something they think I did. They then proceeded to send me even more asks, taking for granted that I was sexualizing teenagers and saying it over and over again, and accusing me of making these kind of content with the intent of adults getting off to it??? when I did that drawing thinking about them just holding each other after sex. Just that. They're not even fucking, they're just naked, after sex. Wow what a scandalous thing.

I think that as a content creator you should understand as well as I do that we do not owe anybody our kindness, our time, or even an explanation (especially if they're not even willing to get off anon, like you). However you look at it, they were out of line. And i'm sure as fuck not gonna apologize for reacting the way i did. This whole conversation is stupid as hell.

I'm glad you enjoyed my art but I'm also glad you're unfollowing/blocking me. Have a nice life!

[seijorhi]

asks :))

what i have learned today is that y’all wanna get fucked by some monsters...

What does nostos mean? What language is it in? 🤔 also I of course loved it, mind blown as usual queen

it’s ancient greek! it means homecoming, the idea of a triumphant return home for the hero after a long journey. i found it through looking at the root of nostalgia. in this fic of course it’s kind of a grim tongue in cheek play on it. the reader’s coming back to the mountains, but she’s running away after a bad breakup, and the welcome she gets is... shall we say less than ideal haha

Just read nostos-

First of all as a person who reads monster shit- hell ya. Mhm. That’s some good shit right there. That was DELICIOUS horror. It actually had me a bit nervous and afraid to read what was gonna happen next 😳

Secondly- omg I wanna know what happened next (at the end) 👀 know what I mean??? 😼

ANYWAY AS ALWAYS you never disappoint and your writing is fantastic (if/when you write horror yandere stuff again I’ll be there- frothing at the mouth. A+++++ work ILY💖)

you want me to write the monster porn, just say it bby ghfjdkshgfjkd but ty

Omfg that fic was so good!

Did the readers mom know about monster kuroo?? Or was she just worried because of the previous murder? And did Kuroo somehow manipulate reader into coming back to the forest or was it just a big coincidence? (👁👄👁 there's no such thing as a coincidence)

Looking forward to your future work <3

ty nonnie!! i didn’t have the right space for it, but after kohsuke was ripped apart and eaten kuroo stayed by the reader’s side until late in the night, only disappearing when he heard the reader’s parents/search party approaching. they found her lying in pools of blood (and scattered half eaten body parts), shaking and unresponsive – they knew no animal could’ve done something like that. so they knew something lurked in those woods, but considering the reader had repressed the memories, her mom couldn’t just come out and say it <33

You are an AMAZING horror writer!!!

The uneasiness I got from the conversations with the mom is just *chefs kiss*

A+++++

ahh thank you!! horror is such a hard genre to write because i’m never sure if the suspense and everything’s gonna hit right haha

I read Nostos before going to sleep last night and at the time I was like “sure hope this doesn’t give me nightmares” and thankfully it didn’t lol. But I think I’m willing to take that chance again because it’s so GOOD and I think I’m just going to have to relive it – @ohno-otome

fhdjgbfhjkdfn i’m glad it didn’t give you nightmares bby!! but i also appreciate that haha, i’m an absolute wimp with scary movies and stuff but i just can’t stop watching them haha

I just wanna say that I was listening to "You're a psychotic villain playlist" on youtube while reading Kuroo's oneshot and I can't explain the emotions I felt, but I'd let Kuroo do things to me asdfghjkl – @itishebihime-samaforyou

ooh nice! sometimes the right playlist makes things doubly as fun haha

OH MY GOD!?!?! Nostos was soooo GOOD?!?!? Like it was so creepy (but in a good way), and scary and suspenseful!! And the ending!?!? Omggg honestly one my fav fics from you!! You did my mans Kuroo justice 🥺💖💕

TYYYYYYY i was genuinely concerned i was gonna scare everybody off haha

Ah! The new fic! Chiefs kiss! Magnificent! Bravo!🧚‍♀️✨🧞‍♀️🦖🦭🌹💫

tysm nonnie!!! <33

i’m pretty sure i’m in the same/similar timezone as you? and i do be staying up late to be one of the first to read your fics (i usually stay up late anyways). so imagine my surprise when i see you post in the afternoon. in conclusion, whether you post to align with your european and american readers’ timezone, my gmt+10 arse will still be one of the first to read your fics. also nostos sjdufigyyjf i have to admit, i recently just found out about monster fucking and nostos scratched the itch😫 i feel bad for kohsuke though

bby i always post at like 2-4 in the morning please get some sleep!! the fics will be there in the morning lmao. i kinda low key forget about my aussie/gmt+10 followers because i think there’s like... 3 of you haha

Honestly if i could give u a dollar everytime i got off to your fics, you'd probably be rich by now

lmao the idea that people find my fics hot enough to get off to still blows my mind lol

your newest kuroo fic was so SO good!! its totally okay if you dont want to answer this so you can keep things ambiguous but is monster kuroo planning on killing the reader after he's...done with them

thank you, bby!! but no, monster kuroo isn’t gonna eat her – he’s had plenty of chances to do that if that’s what he wanted, but he has other plans for the poor reader

RHI, I WANT TO STATE FOR THE RECORD THAT I AM OKAY WITH MORE MONSTER FUCKING IN THE FUTURE. i also want to say im not a monster fucker, but that just feels like a lie at this point. okay, now that that's off my chest, i love it. the mystery, the connections of kuroo to a cat. kuroo's probably gonna go and batter around his prey once they're under his grip like my cat does. hopefully the reader will come out somewhat unscathed, if they are ever allowed to leave 😌 love this, love how different it is, the way kuroo just tries to weasel in. very monster and yandere vibes, very you. have i said i love this yet?? id willingly let him get me drunk on his cock, maybe never leave the peace of the mountains again

‘i want to say that i’m not a monster fucker’ bby the denial will get you nowhere haha. just lean in and embrace it hgfjkdlkfgjnkdl ahh but thank you this is such a sweet ask ILY!!!

Omg omg the monster thing kuroo was in ur latest fic is so familiar to me abdhdmfnjfjf. I remember being told abt a monster with VERY SIMILAR characteristics to it (aka the not being able to go inside a house unless invited and using fire to lure ppl out) AND JFC IT TERRIFIED ME. Esp how when i told ppl around me and they didnt recognize what it was, but it was somehow known to the kid that told me abt it.

(Some ppl thought it was familiar but still didnt know what it was)

Do u know what im talking abt? Hopefully u do

-🥚

GHFJDK so the monster in this is kind of based off the nekomata spirit in japanese folklore - they can appear like people, torment victims by reanimating the corpses of their loved ones, they’ve been blamed for forest fires, so it was just fun to use that as a basis and then go buck wild haha. anyway thanks for the ask bby!

Rest In Peace Kohsuke, you would’ve loved Haikyuu season 5😔✊– @joyvstheworld

poor kohsuke deserved better, i’m just mean to the oc’s i throw into fics haha

Monsterfucking ❤❤❤❤❤❤ a little annoyed you're making me simp for yan Kuroo though (a vibe tho tbh). You're so extremely talented!!!! &

This is probably a stupid question, but how did Kageyama react when he couldn't find y/n? How is life with yan Suga? I imagine probably awful BUT yknow maybe the stockholm syndrome set in fast lmao. Sorry, I'm going on a binge reading your stuff. - @oracleofdin

i will not apologise for making you simp for kuroo he deserves it the man’s a snacc. and as far as your second question, suga’s a very caring, very smothering kinda yandere, so i guess in some ways it’s better than what the reader had with kageyama but... pick your poison haha

That was so good. I’m so shook rn I can’t comprehend anything but how good that was and how good a writer you are

TYSM NONNIE!!! <33

Ok, so, I just read Final Girl and the lil' ticket addition to it and just---

Well, ok I've been playing Dead by Daylight a lot lately? And I'm just picturing Tetsu as the newest killer "The Trickster" and I'm positively RANDY.

Your writing is ALREADY thirst inducing and just as satisfying, but this has SENT ME- If you're not familiar, please...

https://youtu.be/iowkiPobYYQ

Understand my thirst. (I'd also like to clarify, I use a different skin for him that gives him black hair and he looks like Kuroo with an undercut.)

~ @the-casual-hedonist 🌸

i love how feral y’all got for final girl kuroo. like bo and akaashi had his fans, but i put a spiked bat in kuroo’s hands and y’all lost your goddamn minds and i love to see it. fghdjkvhfjdkls thanks for the ask bby

idk why but I love preggo reader as long as I don't pretend it's me 😢✋ I hate babies n pregnancy anywhere else other than horny haikyuu fics

i think that’s a valid thing for a lot of fans. the idea of breeding is sexy, the actual getting pregnant and having a kid thing... not so much. but especially with non-con scenario’s, it’s more about the aspect on control than the actual desire to have kids. but yeah, i feel you

Sorry to bother but uh was just wondering in fracture did Osamu kill his wife or was it actually an “unfortunate event” ? Love your work btw!!

he most certainly did :))

LMFAO RHI i totally get not liking cheating/infidelity fics (towards reader) bc IT HIRTS ME SO BAD I CANNOT HANDLE THOSE.

id be reading fics those fics like: tf you mean my yandere aimt gonna baby me and only want me??🤨🤨🤨⁉️‼️

EXACTLY! listen i get that it’s a fucked up fantasy, but in my fucked up fantasy you damn well better have the decency to be loyal smh

Finders keepers is the most beautiful thing I've read by you: I read it twice like I normally do and here's what I figured out the second time (that's when I analyze it and find the little tidbits of things that are much darker than they appear (: )

To start I LOVE THE DETAILS OF THEM NEVER TEACHING READER ANYTHING- at first I assumed "oh they might see her as a little sister or child or something" but realized thAT WAS THE ISSUE!! they infantilize her and isolate her from everyone but her group. the small details like that are what make the story amazing 😎💅

ahh thank you so much, nonnie!! pls this is making me soft 🥺

I just wanted to stop by and say that I love your writing and I hope you're doing well!!! Drink plenty of water and keep up the amazing work :) but seriously you're one of the best fanfic writers I've seen on tumblr! I read your "Imitation" piece about kuroo and i keep coming back to it, it's so good! I did want to ask if you think it'd be possible for the reader to ever escape with the baby (or at least attempt to). Or if Kenma would "help" at all just to put an end to kuroo's antics lmao

kenma would in no way help the reader, and tbh by that point if kuroo did get her pregnant, she’d be far too emotionally dependant on him to actually even want to leave, but thanks for the ask!

You know who I think would be a perfect Yandere in the JJK world? Choso.

🚨Spoilers Ahead🚨

After being locked in a glass jar for however long he was, and all that happened with his brothers, I feel like he would absolutely never let his darling out of his sight. He would be possessive. Obsessive. And Oh So delusional. Sure he’d be your anything - he truly is a softy - but to what end?🤤

choso would make an excellent yandere, ngl 😌

what au/troupe of your fav character(s) that you have written do you like the most?

(rlly hope this makes sense🙏)

i am always a slut for soulmate au’s :))

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Tw:domestic violence, trauma bonds

I grew up in, and now due to the pandemic, was recently forced to move back to my mothers house, who is a narcissist and abuses me emotionally, mentally, and occassionally physically. For years I thought this was normal, and never really questioned it. So I learned how to hide my trauma.

But now, I have the most amazing and supportive girlfriend who is gonna have me move in with her, in a two bedroom for privacy and so we dont tank our relationship, and I realized something.

My girlfriend wants me to go no contact with my abusive mother, though shell support whatever decision I make. But Ive been masking my trauma for so long that suddenly going no contact will completely blindside my mother. Im aware that Im not responsible for her feelings but I cant help but feel bad that shes going to lose me. My older brother, who was perfection in my parents eyes, is a spoiled brat who now uses talking with my mother as a privilege and he uses it to manipulate her to get what he wants. The apple doesnt fall far from the tree.

I know if I let her in, shell continue to hurt me, though it will be easier since I am moving states. But if I cut her off, she will view me as she views him, and I dont want that. Im not 100% sure Im strong enough to go no contact but also, she refuses to listen to any boundary I set, which tells my girlfriend shell only learn if I go no contact.

Thoughts? I could really use some help.

Hey anon,

I’m so sorry you’ve gone through this. Being forced to move back in with your abuser is awful, and I truly wish you’d had another solution. I’m so glad you’re going to be able to get away. Feeling conflicted about going no contact is also valid--I’ve been debating going no contact with my abuser for a few months now, and I still haven’t come to a decision, so I completely understand how hard and confusing it can be.

Before I answer this, I’d like to address your use of the word “narcissist”. I don’t think you did this on purpose, but using “narcissist” to describe an abuser is usually ableist, as Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a mental disorder that many people suffer from (I say “usually” because describing an abuser with NPD as a narcissist is not ableist language as long as you aren’t using it as an insult). I want to clarify that I don’t think any less of you, nor do I blame you for this--it’s a mistake that a lot of people make, because it’s not something that’s often talked about. You can read more about this here.

Deciding what level of contact you’ll have with your abuser is an incredibly personal decision, and for that reason I would encourage you not to feel pressured by your girlfriend. It really does seem like she has your best interests at heart, and I definitely think it’s worth listening to what she’s saying, but at the end of the day whatever you decide should be entirely your own decision, because you’re ultimately the only one who knows what’s the best for you.

Abuse victims are often conditioned to put others’ needs and wants before their own, especially those of their abusers. This is because they’re repeatedly told or shown that what they want doesn’t matter or that their opinions don’t matter (both of which are not true at all). It might also be because they were punished for putting their needs over their abuser’s. This is a completely normal struggle to have, and it’s valid to have a hard time dealing with it! A big part of healing, though, is to recognize and overcome unhealthy thoughts and behaviors that are a result of the trauma. Recognizing that your mother’s feelings are not your responsibility is a huge step, and I’m so proud of you for it! It’s okay if you’re not ready to act on that knowledge.

It also sounds like you care about how your mother views you--you don’t want to be seen the same way she sees your brother. This is entirely understandable and valid. Again, though, you are not responsible for her feelings, which does include what she thinks about you. Being worried she’ll see you the same way she does her brother makes sense, but what really matters is that you know the reason why you’ve made the choice you have. You know that you are not making this choice to manipulate her by using communication as a currency--you’re making it because it’s what you need to do to protect yourself, and that’s what matters. If you do go no contact, it might be worthwhile to set boundaries with the rest of the people in your life who have contact with her, too, so you don’t have to hear about her (or her opinions towards you) either.

Another option is to go low contact, meaning you would have limited interactions with your abuser, and they would be on your terms. You might to choose to do this while you debate going no contact or not, you might do it to ease into no contact, you might do it because you worry you wouldn’t be able to do no contact (for any reason), or you might decide that low contact is just the best choice for you, and all of these are valid reasons to go low contact. This is the place I’m currently in with my abuser, while I figure out if I want to go low contact or not, and it really has helped. You can tell her formally that you’re going low contact if you’d like, or you can do it without notification--my abuser lives in a different state, so low contact for me mostly looked like not answering the phone when he called. I genuinely don’t think he knows that I’ve changed our communication at all, and because of that, I don’t feel guilty about the decision.

At the end of the day, the terms on which you have communication with your abuser are an incredibly personal choice. You don’t have to follow any rules--you can adapt your communication policy however you need to in order for it to fit you and your needs. I really hope you’re able to find something that works for you in order to keep you safe.

I hope this helps, anon. Your trauma and struggles are no less valid because you’ve masked it, and you deserve to be able to heal on your own terms. Please send in another ask if there’s anything else we can do.

Stay safe,

Mod Henrie

[iarixai]

Over the Garden wall

Ok screw it im talking about ‘Over the Garden Wall’

For the entirety of otgw something always felt off all the time. And the end just gave me more questions. So spoilers, here is my theory on the unknown. also TW I am going to be talking about death and hospitals.

I don’t actually think the unknown is purgatory. Everybody there came back to the real world. However I do think you can only go there if you have a near death expierence. The reason I think this is because of Greg. Greg is very young that means his body isn’t very strong. That means if he really died in the river and then was brought back at the hospital, his body probably couldn’t handle it. It would be a miracle if his body could handle it. As well, everybody Greg and Wirt met in the Unknown were in the past, and didn’t have access to the resources modern hospitals have. But we see them all come back. That is why I think they almost died.

I think the Unknown can only be accessed when you are in a near death situation. For example,

- Beatrice and her family could have very well starved to the point to almost dying.

- The woodsman woke up in a blizzard, so he could have almost frozen to death.

- We know its halloween (fall) so Greg and Wirt could of had hypothermia.

Now you must be saying, Ari, what about the other inhabitants. Well, the main similarity between the characters i mentioned is that they were trying to leave The Unknown. The other characters didn’t seem to want to leave the unknown and had a life there. A good bunch of them had jobs too. Well, they are all dead in my opinion. Because they didn’t want to leave.

- Pottsfield seemed very happy in their cult, and since they are all skeletons, I think they have been there so long their bodies have started to decay. 

- the Tavern folks were all cheery and happy and had jobs.

- The animal school people seemed to be having a normal life. With their own problems.

- The tea company couple seemed very happy with their wealth and with each other

But there comes another hole in this theory, Pottsfield. They have been there so long that their bodies have started to decay and that is why they use the pumpkins as a body. Well, the Unknown doesn’t really exist on a plane of time or at least our plane of time. While yes, stuff does occur and people have proper memories of a timeline. Its not the same as our timeline. You can see this with Beatrice, the woodsman, and Greg and Wirt meeting in the same general time, but they are all from different eras. Its another plane of existance, with its own timeline running on whatever shape or line it is. So while there is passage of time in the unknown, it is seperate from our passage of time. The Unknown picks up its residents at different times on our timeline, at random times. That is why Pottsfield is decaying, but Beatrice is still a Highschool age girl when Wirt meets her. 

Also time dialation. From when Greg and Wirt fall into the river, to when they wake up in the hospital. At most that time would be 1 maybe even 2 hours if I am being generous. But the expierences in the Unknown would have lasted at least 1 or 2 weeks. I personally think one month. That would mean the plane of time and space they were on was not the same as their own. And it was all real, as we see with the frog with the bell in its stomach. Thats because its another plane of existance, grabbing people from our universe.

And the final nail in the coffin for the theory that the Unknown is a seperate plane of existance. The moon. When Greg and Wirt are walking to Pottsfield, which is North, they are walking towards the moon. And the moon was in a moon cycle not possible on earth. As well, if they were walking towards the moon, they would be going East or West. And seeing as they eventually make it to Pottsfield going that direction, that means they aren’t on Earth.

Now, the question is how does the Unknown choose its victims. For one, there has to be a near death expierence like I said before, but if it was every single one, the Unknown would be very crowded, which it doesn’t seem to be at all. Most of the residents are animals. But for now we are talking about humans. I think the Unknown chooses you when you feel small. When you feel forgotten about or everybody has forgotten about you. When you feel you have no hope. When you feel like nobody is going to help you. When you feel like people don’t care about you. For example,

- The woodsman felt like there was no hope for his sick daughter, and that people even forgot about them. 

- Beatrices family if my starvation theory holds true, felt out of luck and they had no hope because it was winter and they couldn’t grow any food to eat

- Greg and Wirt were running from the cops, and literally jumped over a garden wall in order not to get caught. And Wirt definitely has some insecurities about his worth as a person and whether people will actually remember

- The tea couple both show signs of narcissism, meaning they got all of their money so that people would pay attention to them and not forgotten about.

- The schoolteacher shows signs of measuring her worth on her accomplishments, hence why she gets really sad about her boyfriend leaving and how the animal school is not working. 

- The tavern people don’t even have proper names. They don’t feel important to the story which is why they introduce themselves with their job. They were meant to be forgotten about. 

The reason I say this is because of the short OTGW was based on, had the Tome of the Unknown, and it had everything that was forgotten about in it. 

But we have one more thing to address, and that is Greg.

But Greg doesnt seem to be a likely canidate to be lost in the Unknown right?

He doesn’t fit those requirments?

Wrong!

Greg is shown to have memory issues or having later reactions to things. That is why the frog seems to have a new name every episode, Greg forgot. And Greg knows that he has these memory issues. He may be a kid but he isn’t dumb. So I think he fears that these memory problems is going to make him forget about the people he loves, most of all his brother. So in that, he tries to please them in anyway possible. He raked his neighbors yard. He tried to get Wirt a date. In the boat episode, he is even willing to have his head drummed on so his friends will stay safe. When Wirt complains about Greg not leaving a trail, right after, Greg starts to leave a candy trail. Greg wants the people he loves to be happy incase he forgets about them. That is why Greg is willing in the last episode to sacrifice himself for his brother. 

And the final thing to address is the trees and animals. As we know, the trees are actually souls that have already died, and the woodsman collecting them is using their souls for oil in the lamp.  The Beast is a very obvious metaphor for death, more specifically the death of the hope they are going to survive, and through the trees that is how he carries out his duty of killing people in the Unknown because they died in there plane of existence. 

But I think the animals are people who have been in the Unknown long enough to start losing hope.That is why a lot of the animals have some sort of sentience. They aren’t animals, they are people. When we meet Beatrice she is pretty obviously a Bluebird. That is because her and her family aren’t very hopeful they are going to make it out of the Unknown. Her only chance is to find someone who lady Adelaide wants. 

As for the pets who come along on the journey, I have literally no explanation for that, unless the pets were tied to their owners souls. That is the only reason I can find.

The actual people in the series are still inbetween death and life, they still have hope they are going to live. Remember time dialation and the other plane of existance. But all the people who go into the Unknown and stay, will eventually become trees or animals. 

Now leaving the Unknown is a task in itself. But after the main cast left to Unknown, they got some sort of wish granted after the got back. The woodsman had his daughter get better and even being able to walk. Beatrice and her family got food. Wirt finally got that date. And Greg got to see his brother happy. The lack of these things also almost got them killed. So I think after they came back, the universe fixed those things, so that they wouldn’t go into the Unknown again, and give them hope, that their life is going to get better. While yes, they definitely did have hope before, this gives them hope about their lives and loved ones, not just their life not being in danger. 

I know this might have been really long and confusing. You can always ask me to clarify. But thank you for making it this far.