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trashlie · 1 year ago

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ILY FP 233

God I CANNOT believe we are 233 episodes in already. It feels like we were JUST at 151 watching Nol walk away from everything and everyone and here we are? 70-some episodes later? SOOOOO close to the fabled time skip? NUTS!!!! Even though at the time I’d always hoped Nol would make his return at the Christmas party, that we wouldn’t go into the time skip without resolution, I didn’t image how any of this would have played out, or what would have come of it.

I’ve probably said it before, but I’m just.... so amazed at what we’ve gotten out of Nol since the Christmas party arc began. He’s such a difficult character for me to predict and he’s so swaddled in all of the ramifications of his experience, his trauma wraps itself around his neck like some kind of boa constrictor, so frankly, everything that’s been happening the last couple (few?!) months is INSANE to me!

Let’s dig in!

Honestly this conversation between Nana and Nol is much needed. Don’t get me wrong - Nol very well knows and understands the ramifications of not only developing, but acting on these feelings. It’s not that he is acting on them that is the problem as much as the fact that Shinae is unaware, the fact that he needs to have a talk with Dieter. It’s such a mess no matter how you look at it with no real easy way out, and that’s without even considering the circumstances right now. Acting on these feelings when he’s about to disappear from her life again (serving time). Did he even intend to talk to her about it? Did he even intend to try suss out her feelings, if it’s reciprocal or not?

On the one hand he isn’t entirely wrong - there ISN’T a lot he can do at this stage. Like, yeah he can confess his feelings to Shinae, spell it out for her why Dieter is so hurt why he’s acting like that, but tit would unfairly influence her own feelings that she’s yet to have time to process. It would put her in an uncomfortable position she’s not ready to face. He could have tried to talk to Dieter before he found out that he saw it all, but what would that do in the moment? Like Shinae, Dieter needs his own time to process, to try to grapple with and sort out his feelings. He’s bound to be much more volatile if pushed right now.

That said, I find it interesting that Nol’s eyes were closed when he said he doesn’t know where his phone is and that it’s not easy when he’s stuck in the hospital - which isn’t entirely a lie, but I wonder if it’s more that he knows he’s avoiding the inevitable, the painful and the awkward? That he’s let opportunities slip through his fingers rather than face them? idk.

I love Nana’s tough love, though. She’s not unnecessarily harsh on Nol, even if the comparison to Rand felt like a low blow, because we know that seems to be a motivator for him. He DOESN’T want to be anything like his father and he certainly doesn’t want to treat Shinae like Rand did Nessa.

When I first read this episode, initially I was really wary of that frame with Nol’s eyes hidden from us when he says “I would never” because man all Nol DOES is push people away. All he does is decide that he doesn’t deserve what he wants and then deny them any say in their relationship, and it feels so very much like that’s the thought in his mind. That he would never so he’ll never act on it again so he’ll shove it deep down inside so he’ll learn to be platonic.

But listen Nol, is that even possible? He had to kick her out of his room because he could not be alone with her - because he knew she isn’t drawing boundaries and every time he toes the line she lets him because he knows he loses composure he stops thinking that she’d just look at him like *that* and he’d crumble in front of her. The problem is, he’s already started this conversation. He can’t go back on it. At some point, Shinae is going to figure out what he meant by what he didn’t say - why Dieter would feel hurt, what that moment meant for them, just like he told her to. And then what? Is he gonna play the “I have a girlfriend” card? She knows it means nothing! Is he gonna play the “Dieter likes you” card? But doesn’t Shinae get say in her feelings?

He still needs a conversation with Dieter, of course. Nol is so unpredictable to me, but I feel like there’s no way he could move forward knowing his feelings without talking to Dieter at some point. I have no doubt Nol feels like he owes him an apology and I have no doubt that Dieter doesn’t actually think Nol betrayed him or anything. But Dieter was the one picking up the pieces of Shinae when Nol made a mess of her. He was the one who found her crying in the rain where Nol left her. He was the one trying to talk her through it - even said out loud that she loves him, knowing he sensed it was a different kind of love than how he loves Nol. He’s the one who knows how hard she’s been trying to reach Nol, how much she is afraid to lose him CANNOT lose him, how much it tore her up.

I really want to see Nol and Dieter have that conversation. I don’t think Dieter is the type of person who would feel like he has “dibs” on Shinae because he respects her as a person and, y’know, isn’t territorial of her like she’s some kind of possession. But what he CAN lay into Nol about is the way he’s treating her. Nana is right, too - you can’t just push her away and hope all of this will go away. And Nol moreso knows better because he knows about Alyssa now, he knows about Shinae’s trauma, about being cast aside by someone you care about. Even the way she responded to him when he first touched her scar, first brought it up; Shinae has not healed completely from that wound, even if it’s a scar.

To do what he’s done this night - to return to her and be so honest, to share those moments together when he thought everyone was asleep and then push her away, close her out, box her out again - would be devastating and hugely unfair to her. If his plan is to really leave forever and never come back then whatever, but we know better.

I will say, though. I really enjoy seeing Nol be really pathetic about this. I am taking GREAT pleasure out of it, sorry not sorry. Especially because Shinae has already suffered tremendously over his ghosting, over the realization that someone who is so precious to her could just throw her away like that. I want this man to AGONIZE. I know he’s trying to tell himself to walk away that he can’t do this to Dieter that Shinae deserves better but I always want him to know he CAN’T that he’s in too deep that he can’t walk away from someone who care about him, someone who worries about him, someone who grants him those moments of serenity and brings him calm in an otherwise tumultuous life.

I think that’s the thing that’s so wonderful about seeing him this miserable, too - we are so very often locked out of Nol’s mind, it’s often so difficult to understand what he’s thinking about, what’s going on in there, but we can at least tell how torn up he is. How there’s a miserable part of him that doesn’t want Shinae to figure it out, how much he loathes that he resembles his father in this way. It’s not like he set out to fall for Shinae, it just happened, it’s something that has been blooming all along in the background, the seeds were planted and tended to in all of their moments together - all of those times she disarmed him and he let her in, gave her a little taste of who he really is. Falling for her was the last thing he wanted. And yet.

And yet.

Even though Nol is denying it at every opportunity, it’s still an indirect admission. His concern when asking Nana if she told her - we know what he means. He tells her there’s nothing going on but also states he’s trying. His attempts to deny it are futile when he keeps betraying his lies with the truth lol.

But look, I can’t help but love how sulky and miserable he is. He made this bed now he’s gotta lie in it.

But really, Nana is much needed at this time, because Nol’s typical moves won’t make anything better. She knows him better than that, and knows that both Shinae and Dieter deserve better. He’s not allowed to play with her feelings and then run away; he owes her a conversation, the truth, an apology. Ignoring it won’t solve anything, and pushing her away won’t fix anything, Nana gets it. Nana speaks on behalf of us.

But Nana is also right. Shinae and Dieter aren’t the only ones affected by what’s happening here.

What a fantastic segue to Alyssa lol

Alyssa, my messy problematic fave ;~; Alyssa my misguided lost little lamb ;~;

I know most people hate Alyssa but I am not most people and listen, I am BIG TIME worried and scared for her.

BIG. TIME.

We’ve known the connection between Yui and Gun Kim is close and we even know that Gun has contacts with several media conglomerates but I don’t think we really knew just HOW close he was, holy shit!!!! I cannot even begin to describe the DREAD and fear that filled me to see him show up like this. Especially like this ;~;

Seeing Alyssa hiding in the bathroom on the toilet gave me immediate worry but fortunately it doesn’t seem like anything had happened; she’s just taken refuge in the bathroom, her shirt was thrown up on by her boyfriend who seems to have sent her a cryptic message and hasn’t responded to her since. My guess is that maybe when Kousuke punched him and he fell, a message got sent...? Maybe while people were gathering his barely conscious bloodied body and moving him into Yujing’s car? Idk! The point is: she’s worried.

The way she’s sat on the toilet resembles the way she hid herself in her blanket at home that day Shinae visited her, a day where she was also very worried that someone was upset with her. I’m not saying I don’t think Alyssa is genuinely worried about Nol, but she does get very anxious when she thinks people are mad at her, and she knows Nol has every right to be mad at her. What she said was cruel, even if she meant it in the moment, and Alyssa absolutely cannNOT lose Nol - she needs him, not just for her career, but probably also for her protection. He’s one of the only friends she has at this time, even if she doesn’t treat him that way. And I think knowing that Rand left the party gave her some kind of indication that something is afoot, even if she doesn’t know what.

Let’s not forget that Alyssa witnessed him jumping off a balcony into the pool below. And now this weird message? Now all these messages he’s not responding to? Rand has left? What’s going on?

And she doesn’t even time to worry about him because Gun Kim is at the bathroom door, ushering her along, they have another schedule to make. What time is it? Are we aligned with Nol’s time? Did they stay the night at that hotel? They’re still there, at the setting of the Christmas party, not at their dorm or anything like that. They still have last night’s costumes, off to their next schedule. How long has it been? Did she sleep at all?!

Something that really stands out is the expression on Alyssa’s face when Gun is calling in, asking if she needs any help. Maybe that expression is just because she can hear her groupmates talking about her, perfectly willing to leave her behind, but with what we know about Gun.... you can’t blame me for thinking that she, too, knows a thing or two about that man and would prefer anything but.

One of the girls says something about how she’s always doing weird shit back at the dorm. How weird are we talking? Are we talking curling up in a ball and hiding in her blanket when she feels like things are falling apart? Are we talking coping methods for trying to deal with the plaguing feeling of knowing she’s so disliked, that nothing she does can make up for it? Or are we talking.... even weirder? Is it connected to whoever Alyssa is always on the phone with?

The more I think about her, the more I worry for Alyssa. Truly, fearfully worry.

Alyssa’s group is called GL4SS and the panels of her getting ready are glass shards - really on the nose there. It harkens back to that moment Shinae visited her house, where she so quickly pulled herself together like she wasn’t really moping at all, back at her violin as if nothing was amiss, nothing to see. Shinae thought it was so weird but look at how practiced it is. In a matter of minutes she pulls herself together, puts her face on - her mask, her facade, her persona - and steps back out like a good girl.

One of my friends pointed out how very much Alyssa donning her make up was so much like Nol doing Shinae’s make up at the formal. Nol was directly helping and protecting Shinae both in putting the make up on her and taking care of her throughout the evening, and he wasn’t the only one. When she was in danger, Nol, Kousuke, and Meg came together to search for her.

But no one is doing Alyssa’s make up.

No one is there to protect her, to defend her.

She’s alone when she comes out of the bathroom and finds Gun Kim waiting for her, her groupmates having already left to go to their next schedule alone.

Thinking about it from that perspective makes it feel so much worse. There is no one to protect Alyssa, to keep her safe. It is just her and an actual shark, an actual literal monster, who is to take her - alone - to her next schedule. Everything about her body language has me SCREAMING - she looks so uncomfortable, trying to shrink in on herself, arms tightly at her sides, everything about her posture screaming uncomfortable.

But it’s the things he SAYS. That weird “joke” that isn’t funny. That pointed dig about not wanting to give them another reason to dislike her. Danger alarms are going off, this man should NOT be anywhere in her vicinity, let alone be alone with her.

Here’s something to consider about Alyssa.

No matter what she does, her groupmates are never going to like her - no matter how skilled she is, no matter how hard she works, because they know how she got here. They know she’s got connections to the group’s sponsors! They know Yui handed her this. They probably trained for years, worked so hard to beat out other trainees, sacrificed so much for this and Alyssa just came prancing in.

No matter what she does, what she contributes, it will always be invalidated by how she got here.

And despite this, she seems to be the face of the group. She’s so popular that people are already calling her overrated. She’s already been doing CFs/endorsements. She has been granted things the other girls haven’t. Not only was she invited to the ultra exclusive Kim formal, but Yui pulled strings so that she (and only she) could attend. She’s chummy with Kousuke and Nol - and we know Sumin knows/assumes she’s dating him because she pointedly mentioned how Alyssa is always on the phone.

Her groupmates are (rightfully) jealous and she has no friends in them. The one thing she’s wanted is to belong. To be a part of something. But even in something like this, where you would expect to belong, where you work 24/7 with your groupmates, live with them, spend all of your time with them, she still doesn’t belong because of how she got there.

Fans will never be her friend and will only ever conditionally love her.

Who does she have? Who can she turn to?

Yeah she has Meg, but is she going to open up about her loneliness, about what she struggles with? What if Meg takes it as a slap to the face? Alyssa isn’t dumb and she isn’t blind - I think she must know that Meg feels some kind of inadequacy measured against Alyssa, the successful daughter, the famous daughter, the one who will be bringing home money while she tries to finally finish university for once.

And Yui and Gun Kim know this. By circumstances alone Alyssa was already isolated, has no one in her corner, no friends outside of the group, no friend in her group. And what can she do to combat that? Who can she turn to?

I wonder if those dating rumors are going to come up soon. If everything that transpired this night/day are to set us up for the coming time skip - will Nol and Alyssa still be together? If we’re setting up for the timeskip, I think we’re about to see a major shift.

Remember when I said that dating Nol affords Alyssa some kind of protection? While she can’t publicly say she is dating, she can at least thwart some advances privately, those who know of her relationship - like the Kims. (Though, let’s be real, has that ever stopped them? Ugh.) I think that while yes Alyssa has hung on to her relationship with Nol because she wants to keep Yui’s favor.... I think Alyssa benefits in a way Nol is very unaware of right now, and that’s why she is so desperate to keep in with him.

But if those dating rumors come up? If she has to publicly renounce their relationship, because she’s being forced to, because not doing so will ruin her career, because not doing so will find an awful punishment for her? Then what?

I think it sets up a couple things. Firstly, I think that could be the final blow for Nol. Much like he’s wiped his hands of Kousuke, perhaps he would do so of Alyssa, because who wants to continue to play pretend that they’re dating when she has to publicly renounce their relationship? He’s tried to help her, he tried to save her, and from his perspective, it never did anything, so why waste his energy on something futile? Just like he realized reaching Kousuke was futile, maybe he’ll feel the same of Alyssa, wipe his hands of her once and for all.

But if that comes to pass, then it means Alyssa is so truly alone, so isolated, caught completely in a trap that it’s too late to turn back from, and I don’t think she’s going to be given the opportunity to escape. I’m really worried that we’re about to see Alyssa realize how very trapped she is and that this is what’s going to carry us into the future.

;___________________;

I am so SO terrified for her. ;__________;

#I Love Yoo #ILY FP #ILY Spoilers #ILY Brainrot #I DID IT I DID IT I DID IT!!!!!!#idk how but I DID IT AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH #i foguht off a nap to do this and i barely won lemme tell ya #i am SO sleeby #but it is SOOOOO miserably hot and humid here hhhhhhhhhhh #Nolan Oliver T. Lochlainn #Nana #Eleanor Lochlain #Shinae Yoo #Dieter Becker-Wulff #Alyssa Cho #Gun Kim #sob sob sob this episode made my heart stop it made my blood run cold in my veins #i'm SOOOOOOOOOOOO nervous to see how it continues and where it goes ;~;#yes i've seen FP teasers but HONESTLY? I'M CHILLED OKAY I'M AFKLJAKFJJAFJKfkajfkaflakfjkafjakfkafkjafafj

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penvisions · 1 month ago

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stages of devotion {holiday hustle}

Pairing: Holiday Impaired! Joel Miller x Expert Holiday Baker! Reader

Summary: The holidays came fast this year, but with it comes a father and daughter pair you didn't ever expect to see again.

Word Count: 4.7k

Warnings: holiday triggers, holiday stress, baking stress, food industry triggers, family issues, minor off screen family dynamics, super soft yearning, mutual pining, sexual tension, smut, p in v, creampie, joel's dirty talk deserves its own warning, lemme know if i missed any!

A/N: so its a few days after the holiday that i announced this on. so so sorry for the tease, y'all. finally made it to my "weekend" only to get sick :c trying to make the most of the days though (within reason). love y'all and hope you enjoy this!

ao3 link || series masterlist || navigation || ko-fi

The holiday season sucks.

That’s about all you’re confident in as you twirl the piping bag in your hand for what feels like the thousandth time that morning. There’s an entire rack of pies beside you, tray after tray that needs to be garnished with cremieux and a little chocolate coin that has the first letter of your bakery branded on it in gold. Behind it are three more of the same pie. Behind that are four more of apple.

Apple and pumpkin. The only flavors you offered for the season. One hundred each, plenty enough to keep you afloat for the next month or so if you sell out. Especially if you sell out the display case as well.

Your bakery is small, just you and your friend Colbie. Something to be passed in the blink of an eye on the busy downtown street. But it was born of passion and creativity, a space you carved out in the big scary world all for yourself. You’re none the wiser of how your day will turn out as you continue to pipe the faintly black spotted vanilla over the remaining pies, moving onto fetching things out of the oven as timers begin to go off and garnish the ones already chilled from an earlier bake.

Just down the street, Joel and Sarah are strolling down the sidewalk from where they parked the car at the end of the block.

“Don’t see why the crew needs more food, baby girl.”

“Because we need to show our appreciation for them, dad. They’re working the morning of thanksgiving, for crying out loud.”

“This isn’t exactly a tax write off…”

“Dad!” The exasperated teenager nudges at his side with her shoulder, catching his ribs lightly. But he doesn’t stumble nor do his steps falter, he lets her win a lot of the time but this? He still loves how she tries to roughhouse with him only to realize that he’s always gonna have the upper hand unless he gives into her. Her pout and huff draws a laugh from deep in his chest.

“It’s true! I gotta pay for it all outta my account, not the business. We already picked up breakfast for everyone and half the men are gonna store it in their coolers for a later time.” He pivots her toward the doorway just past a large window display, squares of glass allowing for a glimpse inside a local bakery.

“Don’t you put the catering on the business card?”

“Well yeah, but their overtime for today is coming out of it too.”

“Maybe if we ask the owner, they can discount us or something?” Sarah is suddenly stopping just inside the threshold, watching with wide eyes as her father walks in behind her. The scent of fresh baked bread and flaky pastries welcomes them despite the empty lobby. “Is there a reason you’re so hesitant to use the company card? I thought the business was doing good?”

Joel heaves a heavy sigh, placing both his hands gently on her shoulders to hold her attention and give her all of his.

“Everything is fine, Sarah.” His brown eyes take in the way her own multifaceted ones gleam in the bright sunlight shining in the muted green space the lobby has been painted. Plants alive and well, live wood bar top against the window for people to sit at. “Money is my worry, but there ain’t nothing to worry about okay?”

“We can still ask after a discount, it doesn’t hurt, right?” Suddenly shy, her eyes break contact with his and turn down to her scuffed shoes. “I know that it’s new, but the therapy sessions aren’t exactly cheap or covered by the insurance.”

“Hey now, don’t go worrying about all that either.” Joel’s voice is so soft, floating through the air and sneaking into the kitchen through the siding of the swinging door. You pause in the rosette you were piping atop a cake, just little personal ones with autumnal flowers for the season. “I’m the dad, and that’s a dad thing, okay? You want to keep goin’ and that’s all that matters. Just want you to be okay, that’s all I ever want ‘cause I love you so damn much, okay?”

She nods once, still not bringing her eyes back up but she huffs out a giggle when he leans down and kisses her cheek, deliberately nuzzling the scruff on his cheek against her own.

“Besides, I don’t wanna bother them, baby girl, it’s such a small place.” With that settled they both turn back to the display cause and counter, just in time to see you approach through the window in the door.

“Joel?” There’s no hiding the smile that breaks out across your face as you push through the swinging door that leads separates the kitchen and public area. Even despite the inner turmoil you had endured after first meeting him. The will he won’t he of leaving your number for him…

“Camp lady! Dad, look, it’s her!” The excited teenager hops up and down on her long legs, arms hanging onto one of Joel’s and she jostles him. The slight melancholy of her previous words and worries forgotten with the aid of Joel’s soothing ones and your appearance. “You work here? That’s so cool!”

“Yes, Sarah, honey, I see her.” He rolls his eyes for you to see as she skips forward up to the counter. He looks good, if a little tired. His scruff is longer, body a little leaner than when you had seen him last…two months ago now. You had been so sure he would call or text, reach out in whatever way was easiest for him. And when he hadn’t…you had thrown yourself into work and prep for the holiday season. Reveling in the night you shared and taking it for what it was, not letting the lack of communication taint what had been an electric connection. His eyes are glued to you, ignoring the twirling and excitement of his daughter as she flits in front of the display case.

As you round the corner of the counter and display case, it’s obvious how busy you’ve been in the morning hours as stains darken the fabric. Reaching with a flour dusted hand, you go to shake the man’s hand but he surprises you and pulls you into a tight hug. The smell of his spicy cologne and wood shavings spurs butterflies to life in your belly and heat rise to your cheeks.

“It’s good to see ya, darlin’.” He whispers in your ear, voice all baritone gravel. He releases you just as Colbie enters back in through the front door. You see the way her eyes widen at the show of affection, she knows you better than anyone and casual touch is not something you’re a fan of. But you can tell that she immediately knows who Joel and his daughter are if the sparkle in her eye and the smirk she flashes at you says anything.

“I’m so sorry, I thought I locked the door behind me. Want me to keep it unlocked, we’ve got about fifteen minutes until we’re open.”

“Leaving it open will be fine, do you mind-“ The timer pinned to your apron tie goes off and a second later the one for the oven blares from the kitchen.

“Got it!” And she’s rushing behind the counter to slip back through the sliding door.

Joel looks like he’s about to apologize for barging in, Sarah leading him in the early hour. Coffee thermos left on the counter in the rush and his brain is working overtime without it. The pickup order she had placed with a breakfast place too busy for him to grab something there. You wave him off with a soft smile, not minding the intrusion one bit.

“My dad would not shut up about you on the way home, especially since we still have that air mattress you leant us! Thank you again so much for that, I didn’t want my dad to have to sleep on the ground with his bad back.”

“Hey now, you’re a little too forward with the embarrassing details.” Joel’s bashful words are bathed in an even tone, trying to parent his daughter but still treat her like the independent person that she is.

“So what can I do for you?” You try to fight the slight awkwardness of randomly happening across them as customers in your shop and you swear you see Joel duck his head as he roughs a hand across the back of his neck. Your causal tone and polite smile dousing the hope that had flared in his own chest when you walked out from the kitchen. “I’ve got plenty of pastries, the pies aren’t quite done yet but if you need one or two, I can add the finishing touches real quick?”

“Dad, we should get them pie! Like one each, you think? There’s five on the crew and then the secretaries too, they should get one since they’ll be waiting for us in the office. We can put the bonus checks on top with some pretty stickers! Oooh, dad we gotta stop at the art store now!”

“Sarah, honey, take a breath.” Joel claps hand over her shoulder and she beams up at him. “We only got half an hour to get to the office.”

“Oh, that’s okay! We can still do the pie each thing, right?”

“Whatever you wanna do,” He presses a kiss to the top of her head, her kinky curls flattening as he does so and earns him a grumbled ‘spent so much time on it this morning, old man’.

“So that was seven pies then?” You ask, trying to keep up with the both of them, they’ve got such an easy-going way that they communicate. Their bond obvious and their love pure as you had witnessed back at that campsite, he wants for her to have everything he can give her. It’s admirable, a good man, a good parent.

“Uh, make it ten, please.” Joel steps up to the counter, taking out his wallet from a back pocket. “Half pumpkin, half apple. So folks can pick whichever one they want.”

“Ten, got it. It’s gonna take me a few minutes to finish up, do you want a coffee while you wait?” And you swear his gaze hardens as he looks up to see the price displayed on the screen, card ready to press against the pad after you finished punching in his order on your own side of the register. The same way they had just before he had kissed you, angled toward you in front of that fire, the determination set his face in such an endearing way.

“Would be wonderful, darlin’. Just a black drip, if it’s not too much trouble.”

“Hey, just so you know, ‘m sorry I didn’t call.” Joel shuffles on his feet, watching as Sarah starts up the truck and begins to dance to the loud beats he can make out through the cracked window. You had walked out with the pair to help load the bags into the extended cab of the gleaming gray truck. “I wanted to, but-“

“Life is hectic sometimes, it’s okay. I’m not gonna say I wasn’t disappointed, but I do understand.” You know he’s got a lot more going on in his life, with a child he’s raising on his own. The bakery keeps you busy, hours not quite the same as everyone. You never want to feel like you’re holding expectations for a life that just doesn’t fit into your schedule sometimes. And that included Joel, his own busy schedule not allowing for personal indulgences either. It’s hard not to feel like it’s a cruel twist of fate, that you two met only to realize the puzzle pieces of your life don’t quite match up.

“The paper, I had it. Put it in my pocket but my brother snatched the flannel instead of his own at the work site and washed the damn thing.”

“Little brother?” You tilt your head to the side, all too familiar with the chaos of sheer unpredictability one could bring.

“Yep, meddling, clueless little brother.” He’s fascinating, every little detail you learn about him draws you in closer, a pull toward the man you’ve only gotten glimpses of as of yet.

“Mine is pretty clueless too, god love him.”

“But- uh…oddly enough,” A large hand rubs at the back of his neck, the muscles of his arm straining against his flannel sleeve and catching your eye. “Mine is having a small dinner tonight, just us two, Sarah and his wife. Their twins. I know you got work today and don’t really know me at all, but I was wondering if-“

“Apple or pumpkin?” Lips pulling into a wide smile, you swear your heart is about to beat out of your chest, thudding wildly the second you realized where he was going with his explanation of his own holiday plans.

“Huh?”

“Do you want me to bring an apple or pumpkin pie?” You look up at him through your lashes, heat blooming in your chest at the insinuation he wanted you there, at the invitation you hadn’t been extended in years. Everyone always wanted the good you baked, the bread, the skills you had for the kitchen. But they never particularly wanted you around for the holidays. The family disappointment, for not being married, for not having kids, for not finishing school, for being too different.

“Darlin’ you don’t have to bring anything, just want you to come and be my date.”

And he couldn’t have said anything more perfect as you feel your throat constrict and tears well up in your eyes.

“Hey now, I mean it.” He’s shifting, hands reaching for you and you feel a little sorry for the ‘oof’ he lets out when you crash into his open arms. “Wanna get to know you, but only if you want that too. If we can carve out some time for each other.”

“Of course, Joel. That would…that would make me happy.”

“’m droppin’ Sarah off now, gotta head to the site for a few hours but I can pick you up here once I’m done. That sound okay to you?” He looks so hopefully, so happy that he can ask you in person, can ask to see you again now that he’s found you and it melts your heart. You’re sure the smile you give him is just as dopey at the one he’s beaming down at you.

“Yes, that sounds perfect. Here.” You pull away from him just enough to reach into your back pocket and brandish a business card at him. The thick cardstock is embossed in gold lettering, your name and number displayed on it proudly. “This is a little more permanent than a flimsy piece of paper.”

He pulls one of his own business cards out from his wallet as he securely puts yours away.

You continue to feel the warmth of his fingers passing it to you even hours later as you hold piping bags filled with cooled frosting, as you add frills and garnishes to pastries set in the cooler after leaving the oven a nice golden brown. And even as you feel your face heat up at the confrontation Colbie sneaks in throughout the day about your ‘gentleman caller’.

Around noon, Joel’s truck parks out front of the bakery. He’s showered, it looks like it as you see the shine to dark curls. He’s taken a shaver to his scruff as well, it’s not as long as it had been this morning.

“Please tell me you’re closed tomorrow.” Joel taps the hours displayed on the door as he steps through it, the gold lettering telling him that you were in fact not. But open at seven am sharp. Looking up from where you’re closing down the register, you hold up one finger up to indicate you need a moment.

As you continue, you can sense his gaze as it takes in the space you poured your blood, sweat and tears into. Devoted hours to manifesting and making it a reality. The case is completely empty, parchment paper adorned with errant crumbs all that he sees inside through the shiny glass.

When you step out from behind the counter, bag and keys in hand, you clock the second Joel realizes you’ve taken a moment to change as well. No longer in your dirty apron or black athleisure, but in a skirt that flows to about midthigh, tights underneath and a thin sweater. Your hair is down too, now, no longer pulled back into low pigtails and covered with a beanie for safety reasons around the kitchen.

“Darlin’, you look-“ He swallows, tongue watering as he takes in the sight of you all dolled up for him, for a date with him. “You look amazin’.”

“Just some spare clothes I had in my office. Didn’t wanna roll up to your brother’s house covered in flour and chocolate.” He’s shushing you as he ambles up, pressing his lips to your forehead as he cradles your face.

“He wouldn’t have cared and neither would I. Today is about family, no matter their shape or mess, got it? Miller households are safe places, you hear me?”

The drive over to his brother’s is short, the two of them in the same neighborhood but different blocks something that tickles you to know end. Watchful big brother, independent little brother who didn’t want to stray too far. It’s endearing, so different from you own family. Parents live upstate, brother is still in university, opting to live in the dorms instead of with you. Younger sister god knows where now, she pops up every year with a crazy tale of where she ended up for most of the time she had disappeared.

His brother doesn’t seem surprised in the least when Joel shows up on his doorstep with you at his side, his greeting a wide smile and bright eyes. His wife, Maria is just as easy going, just as welcoming. Praising you for bringing dessert and that she had totally blanked on it for after the meal in the hectic planning of the day.

The atmosphere is cozy, holiday cheer abundant despite the temperate Texas weather that plagues the state year round. Sarah is particularly excited to be helping out this year, the first she’s old enough to. A set of twins half her age run around with shrieking laughter as Joel and Tommy chase them around and keep them busy while you help out in the kitchen as well, not wanting to just show up and sit around waiting for everything to be done.

It's so different from your usual meal alone, normally just leftovers from the day before on a tray as you settle in bed and binge watch something once the bakery closes up.

It warms your heart and makes you feel full in a way that being with your family never has. From the easy going conversation with Maria, the light teasing and focus of following instructions from Sarah, stolen glances with Joel, the wide brimming smile of his brother as he realizes that the scene is a little more complete with you there now.

“Tell me I can kiss you, please.” Joe’s lips brush the shell of your ear, causing you to shiver at the vibrations that caress the sensitive skin. He’s been angling closer all afternoon, the couch cushions flattening and sloping. Pooling you closer to where his thick thighs rest, to the intoxicating warmth of his body and the heady smell of his spiced cologne. The movie credits are playing softly on the screen, everyone well fed and just now recovering to tend to things such as packing up leftovers and beginning to organize what was left.

The second you two were alone, Joel had used the arm he had slung up on the back of the couch around your shoulders to tug you in close. Tucking you into him, he used his other hand to pivot your legs into his lap. He’s kneading the skin there, over your tights. Thick fingers daring to trace higher and higher as he pulls back to look into your eyes.

“You’re so goddamn pretty, baby, can’t believe my streak of bad luck.” And at the flash of guilt in the depths of warm brown eyes, you surge forward and kiss him with a ferocity that startles him. The small ‘humph!’ and the tightening of his hand around your thigh curls desire low in your middle as his tongue eagerly meets yours as you part your lips.

“Bad luck, good luck. Doesn’t matter.” You manage between deep kisses, hands threading through the thick locks of chocolate curls atop his head. “We’re here now, I’m here with you.”

“Good.” He’s swallowing the moan that bubbles up from how he presses into you, how he pulls you flush with him.

“Joel! We got a house full of impressionable kids and you’re just makin’ out on the couch with the baker?”

The deep rumble of his chuckle does nothing but make your stomach jolt as heat lances through your core. The sound hitting deep and making you bury your face in the man’s neck as he parts only his lips from yours.

“Gotta embarrass me always, huh?” He’s holding you tight still, hands gripping and knuckles straining with the effort it’s taking to stop his ministrations.

“Just keep it in your pants, we’ve got everything packed up for y’all to take home. Sarah’s tucked into the spare room, helping out this year really took it outta her.”

“That where she snuck off to?”

“Yeah, don’t worry about it. We can watch her for the night. She don’t go back to school until next week right? Just come get ‘er tomorrow. And you,” Tommy aims twin finger guns at you. “Are welcome back anytime, Maria really appreciated the help in the kitchen but mostly I think she just loved having another woman around to chat with. Seriously, she’s gonna offer to come by the bakery and grab lunch one day soon.”

With that, Tommy saunters back into the kitchen with a snicker of his own and some words you can’t quite make out to the woman in question.

“Well, what do ya think?” Joel moves to whisper in your ear again. “Wanna come back to mine? Or I could take you home? Whichever you want, sweetheart.”

The sudden image of you and Joel tangled up on top of your bed has you kissing him full on the mouth one last time.

“Take me home and then take me to bed.”

Giddy anticipation fills the cab of his truck, the engine ticking as he shuts it off and just sits back for a moment. His eyes find yours and you can’t help the giggle that bursts from your chest, hands tangled and fingers twisting around each other in your lap. His hand reaches and takes one of your own, engulfing it with the sheer size difference. His beautiful hands that craft houses and woodwork, his beautiful hands that raised his amazing, rambunctious but sweet daughter, his beautiful hands that held his young nephew and niece with such care. His beautiful hands that you’ve felt explore your body twice now, the urge for him to do so again so strong it makes you feel dizzy.

“I can leave if you’re nervous, darlin’. No pressure, no hard feelings.” Joel Miller, the man that he is, knew just what to say to ease your worries.

“No, no. I just…”

“Thank you, for today.” You whisper, emotions getting the better of you. “I really thought that…this year I’d be alone again. My family only ever asks after desserts, always schedules the meal late and too far away for me to make the drive. I…I really liked spending time with you and your family today, they made me feel so welcome and included. It- it was really nice, Joel.”

The trembling of your lower lip is embarrassing but you can’t fight it off as you bare your heart to the man beside you.

“Hey now, it’s okay. I got ya,” He’s shuffling closer, the console pushed up to allow him to slide across the bench seat. “They loved you, ‘m sure they wouldn’t mind seein’ you more.”

And it’s easy, the way he soothes the turmoil in your mind, begins to help heal the trauma that bubbles up this time of year.

It’s easy how he kisses you and makes you feel like the most important person in the world.

It’s easy how he let’s you guide him into your home with clasped hands and a shy smile.

It’s easy the next morning when you wake up beside him, his naked body like a furnace under the sheets as it wraps around your own. The hours posted on your bakery door correct except for the day that follows any holiday. His breath little puffs against the back of your neck as you both share a pillow, while your exhalation becomes needy as you feel an ache between your legs. Little whimpers thrown into the air with no regard to how desperate they sound.

Heat sparks through you as you recall the desire in his hooded eyes the night before as you straddled him, taking your time with lowering yourself onto his hard cock, already dribbling when he had shucked his pants off for you to see all of him for the first time. The sight of him sprawled across your bed, head thrown on the pillows and bronze skin gleaming in the low lights strung up over your bed had all but turned you possessive. The memories were too much, kindling desire and pleasure in you in such a way that should be a warning in itself that you were fucked.

You were gone on him and you could only hope he felt the same way.

Soon enough, the shifting of your thighs to relieve pleasure that tingles there rouses him.

“Woke up needy, huh darlin’?” His voice is deep velvet, the early morning blessing him with such a soothing baritone that it almost has you rolling your eyes at it caresses over your skin much like his exploring fingers.

“Mhm, can still feel you. Right here-“ And his hand flattens against the soft give of your stomach where you guided it, just below your belly button.

“Fuck, that’s so hot, you have no idea.” He’s crowding you, body shifting to press your chest to the bed, his legs tangling with yours as he kneels behind you. He hinges your hips, bringing them up to rub the length of his cock between your glistening folds. “So full a me still, holding it like such a good girl for me.”

The whine of his name from your lips has him pushing in, slowly and carefully until his hips meet the back of your thighs. Turning it into a low moan that raises the hairs on the back of his neck. Your panting is all he can hear, the clench of your walls all he can feel as your back arches and you press back into him.

“Right here, huh?” His hand is still on your belly, and it presses now, pulling a yelp from you as the pressure in your core intensifies. Your cunt gushes around him, earning you a hiss as he grinds himself against you to make a squelching sound.

“Please please please tell me we’re going to do this again.” You move on him, pulling forward a bit, knees spreading and hands gripping tight to the sheets underneath you. Joel’s answering groan is more than enough but his voice delivers your fate in such an easy way.

“Oh darlin’, we’re gonna be doin’ this every day for the rest of our lives.” And with that he moves to grip your hips so tight you’re sure there will be reddened imprints of his fingers, pulling out in a slow drag before he slams back in and sets a brutal pace.

And maybe the holidays aren’t so bad, after all.

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