#so im like okay. lemme do it by myself. he has a lil freak out im like okay! feelings are feelings thats fine Im Steppin Back

[jackals-ships]

jackal win Did Not lose my entire marbles on my siblings again

jackal loss i have now learned the smalls has NO survival instincts,

[taegularities]

Do people really think he doesn’t know what he’s singing about…..? 😟 Y’all are just mad that he’s acting grown finally

To the anon who said this shit ..i am sorry but if you think that this song is somewhat showing that jungkook is mature or knows about sex i am disappointed in you ..As an army myself... is this what we have come to ..The lyrics are not only disgusting but degrading towards women ..jungkook is a freaking sweet heart he is a man who respects women ..i cant believe that they showed this image of him when the actual jungkook we know (soloist or not) has songs like Euphoria , still with you , my you , stay live , My time and more ...i am no anti or solo stan ..i have loved and still love Bangtan bcz their songs are amazing ..they are so freaking talented ..i watched the mv ..love the feel and overall vibe bcz jk's voice is ❤️✨️ but the lyrics ( i am sorry but A Big NO) i have listened to his cover songs hell ( i would prefer them over this) ..how can people say that being mature means sex sex and sex ..GROW UP people ..Seven was proof that while talking about sex you dont need to degrade women and view them as boring , fuck toys 🙂 i am shocked that RM and SUGA listened to this and didnot even realise what the lyrics are ...if jungkook did know what the lyrics are about and didnot give a fuck that this song is literally giving a typical fuckboy energy and degrades women ..then i am truly disappointed in him as a fan ...I was so excited bcz seeing jungkook being confident in his body and exploring genres ..going outta his comfort zone i was truly happy..

Before you come for me saying saying i am just a hater lemme be clear.. i have been an army for years now and i consider myself lucky that i got to listen to their songs and meet them ...i have supported them whenever i got a chance ( albums , streaming , concert ) and as an adult ARMay , i completely understand what maturity is and what degradation is ..😑 i stream their songs bcz they are worth streaming and people should know how talented these men are but this .. nope

Even before this people were calling him and adding him on the list of queerbaiter bcz of his klien shoot (jk wearing a crop top with smoky make up ) and some imaging him as a fuckyboy / alpha male well this song just gave them another reason to hate on them ..i literally logged out of twitter bcz there were so many shit posts about jimin , jungkook even taehyung 😮‍💨 sucks cuz the jungkook i have listened to is nowhere now and i just see scooter and other assholes using him for his voice and dancing skills and luring him in a pop star dream..

I support them all , i want to see them happy and successful..i got no reason to hate them but people need to stop being biased and not see the reality ..this is coming from the fan who has supported jk's every song and listened to his covers .. he used to express himself through lyrics and his choice of lyrics were just ❤️ used to hit me deep ✨️ i have no issue with people who love this song ( cuz i did love jk's voice too ) but after i properly checked the lyrics i couldnot ..

Whew thats it ..if you think i am talking shit please ignore it y'all bcz ofcourse i am jealous and a hater right (yeah yeah ) ofcourse i dont know shit and i am criticising him bcz i want my innocent kookie back and dont respect him as an adult (right ) 🙄*biggest eyeroll

so, im not sure if you're attacking me with this, too, bc i never took anyone's side and am okay with any opinion y'all have lol 😭 i think the ask was just talking about how jk must know what he's singing about bc someone else asked whether he's aware of the lyrics. while admittedly phrased a lil odd, they probably meant that a lot of armys still see him as the innocent and sensitive young boy bc that's the image hybe tried to maintain for him and now they're offering music about sex to him to give him a more mature look.. i think that's it. i did also add it's probably not bc the other anon was mad but just curious. i agree that sex alone doesn't make anyone mature! i guess by now they're just making these songs to aggressively pull jk away from the doe eye image hybe built for him over the years. i'm not totally loving it either.

but other than that, yeah, i'm not the biggest fan of 3D either. it's absolutely okay if you support it and like it, i will NEVER judge anyone's taste in music just bc it doesn't align with mine — and i agree, we as a community and fan base are totally allowed to dislike something our faves put out bc that definitely happens. i used to enjoy maroon 5's music a lot more back in the days, same with paramore etc, but that doesn't mean we're antis or haters, for sure!! honestly, support what you enjoy, and if it's not your thing and you don't want to stream it, that's okay, too!! idk why there's that much pressure to stream and vote at all lol. but yeah anyway babe, it's super fine to not like 3D. i for one won't ever judge anyone for their opinions as long as we're all respectful with each other and treat other's tastes respectfully as well!!

[roci-wolf]

ROCI IM SO SORRY IT TOOK ME SO LONG TO REPLY I FORGOT 😭😭😭

but okay lemme go one by one by what i remember from what you said

i’m so sorry you’ve been going through a hard time. it isn’t easy when you feel like your mental health is failing. i know firsthand how hard it can be. but i’m so so proud of you for working on yourself and your mental health. and i’m glad you decided to take a break for yourself. i hope the break has been fruitful!

and gosh i’m so sorry about your bunny :( it can’t be easy. my cats go play around away from the garden for a bit and i freak out when i don’t see them around. so i can’t imagine how terrible it must be.

but AHHHHH NEW KITTYYYYYY!!!! so excited!!! did you get the kitty already? what’d you name it? what kind of cat is it??? heheh i love cats and i’m so excited for you!!

i’m proud you’re working on your self esteem and i get that sometimes the stuff we want comfort from most tend to become the most stressful because we’re in a bad place and the magic and comfort just doesn’t feel the same and it just… ultimately feels worse cause it feels like you lost something very important to you :(

but i hope slowly you can return. i miss seeing you on here and i miss your lil asks and your opinions on my random posts jshdjsjdjsk but no pressure! take your time and i hope you feel better soon 💛💛💛 and i’ll be here~ with a bunch of comfort fics if you wanna ever read em hehe

nooo don't worry, i don't frequently check my notifs anyway so i didn't notice 😭

yeah, my biggest problem was getting out of survival mode, i am the avoidant type of person so it's very hard for me to deal with anything in my life that's out of my comfort zone, but i finally stepped up and started to figure things out. ofc it's still hard and because i've been focusing solely on survival for so long i don't really know what i want from life anymore?? but i am proud i can at least relax a bit more and i can give time to myself to think and reflect. thank you for the words~ you're so kind

yeah, i kinda got used to the idea that i'll never see my bunny again and i'm consoling myself with the thought that she's in a much better place now and that she's hopping happily without my cat bothering her lol 💗

unfortunately smth came up so i can't pick up the cat yet. i'm actually getting him from my friend bcs her cat gave birth a few month ago and she's giving me one of her kitties, but i have to wait 2 more weeks till i can finally get him. also, because i'm getting it from my friend, i actually don't know its breed 🤣 my friend doesn't know the exact breed of her cat and the dad is unknown (lol), so i can't tell for sure, but the mom is a combination of a tabby with some other fancy breed that i cannot recognise. it has many orange spots of her coat mixed with the regular tabby colors, does that make sense?? but he kitty i'm adopting has a dark coat with no orange spots at all. it looks like a tabby, but much darker than usual, idek how to explain 😭

ALSO i actually SUCK at giving pets names 😭😭 i always get overwhelmed bcs it feels like such a big responsibility to me so i always collect ideas from other people. sooo if you have any cool male cat names in mind 👀👀 i'm more than glad to hear

yeah, that's exactly how it feels with comfort places 😭😭 that's why i got away from tumblr a little bit, i didn't want it to start feeling like a 'responsibility' or like something i needed to do, i tend to do that with my hobbies sometimes and it makes them unenjoyable. i also stopped writing for a while and opening tumblr was reminding me about that and it made me feel a little guilty haha

but! it's summer vacation now and things are moving in the right direction (in my opinion at least) so who knows.

aw, THANK YOU, TI, you're so sweet 🥹🥹 i miss sending asks and answering on random stuff too 😭 i am glad i was not an annoyance with those lol

and!!! i actually do want to read what you've been posting since i disappeared 👀 is there anything you'd recommend me to read first??

[cranetreegang]

Spoilers for Sage Route Chapter 6

Alright... I've been playing Sage's Route and lemme tell ya, I need to rant a lil.

Warnings: Cursing, Blood and Spoilers for Sage's Route below

So, here I am, vibing with my cat-wolf boyfriend by the lake side, all romantic and shit, when he just chunks basically the equivalent to a Epic Rarity Weapon with a 1% drop rate from the hardest dungeon in the game into the fucking lake.

Sage:

Me as I watch him yeet the sacred relic into the lake on our romantic date:

THEN DEER BOI McGEE shows up and LITERALLY STABS SAID RELIC INTO MY CAT-WOLF BOYFRIEND'S CHEST and kills the mood. (see above image of my reaction when sword is through my boyfriend's chest)

So, I've been chasing Sage across the entire continent after he runs away to brood. Like, he can't escape me I'm a persistence predator, I just speed walk after him until he's finally my boyfriend and wants to talk to me.

And you mean to tell me, the speed walk champ, that I don't walk TWO FEET OVER TO MY CAT-WOLF BOYFRIEND TO SEE IF HE'S ALRIGHT??? There's a literal sword through his chest and I am UNPHASED.

Granted, I would've walked over and been like, "Are you okay?"

Me after watching my Cat-Wolf Boyfriend get stabbed several times and I rush over to ask if he's alright:

I am straight up Stone Cold Steve Austin™ cause I don't even FLINCH or even cry out "OH NO! MY BOYFRIEND! HE'S BROKEN!" fucking nothing dudes. not even a "SAGE!!!!" or a "RIME!!! I'LL KILL YOU FOR THIS!" nothing. I think I'm more upset I got blood on my shoes than the fact Sage got stabbed.

What I wanted to say after Rime stabbed my boyfriend:

THEN!!! Rime is like "😊 im here for the artifact in yo chest gurrrrl 😊" and im like "come and get it coward 😜✌"

But then Rime doesn't try to come and get it???

he takes us through a rando portal, stabs my boyfriend, AGAIN, then I throw a pebble at him because NO ONE HAS TAUGHT ME HOW TO FIGHT OR DO MAGIC????

Live recreation of me helping save my mortally wounded boyfriend:

Then Rime just leaves after saying I'm making Sage worse by not letting him Hulk out and rip people's throats out. like bruh what. will anyone explain what the fuck corruption is or does?? no?? k cool whateves I guess.

AND AFTERWARDS, you would think, I, a person who just witnessed someone I care about get stabbed several times, would be like "oh bby are you okay? you got stabby wabby 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺"

OR EVEN after he's all healed up, "oh dang, the corruption healed you and that's not good. we should do something to help deal with your corruption!"

FUCK NO WE DON'T DO ANY OF THAT WE'RE Stone Cold Steve Austin™ AND WE'RE ONLY HERE TO SCRATCH SAGE'S EARS AND TELL HIM TO STOP DRINKING

We instead SPEED WALK after him to some s e c l u d e d p o o l s™

and I don't even go like "i almost lost you today." or whatever sappy bullshit. nah. don't fucking care. just toss his clothes in the water and say "'ight catch ya later in my room pspspsps ;) if you know what i mean."

whatever. It's cool.

I mean, it's not like the corruption is gonna turn him into a monster and he'll ask me to kill him to which I'll throw a few pebbles at him as he rips my heart out. No biggie! :D

So, let's recap:

Sage, my cat-wolf boyfriend, tosses his super weapon into the lake because... he can???? then Rime shows up and stabs Sage. Rime teleports us away to stab Sage again. I throw a pebble and Rime leaves after saying I'm turning Sage into a monster. then sage does what he do best and runs away. then i, the speed walk champ, chase after him to throw his clothes in a pool.

Sage as soon as he senses me wanting to talk to him:

END OF RANT

also, if i gotta chase down this man one more freaking time, im putting a restraining order on myself cause i feel like a creep running after him all the time.

my messages are open for anyone who would like to rant/discuss sage route because i actually do love this cat-wolf boy

[potterblogs-blog]

ok y'all have been sorting pjo characters into hogwarts houses which would be nice if you were doing it right

it’s great that you’re trying and all but the thing is, I find a lot of them following the same pattern:

All the demigods are automatically in Gryffindor, because they’re super brave. Octavian and Ethan Nakamura and Clarisse and all sorts of people the fandom doesn’t like are obviously in Slytherin because, you know, Slytherin is hella evil. Then we’ve got the stuck-ups in Ravenclaw and the background characters in Hufflepuff, ‘cause apparently it’s the potato House.

Since all this is hella stereotypical and not at all correct, I was like, well, what would I do? Well hERE IS THE ANSWER ASSHATS

*bill nye voice* please...cOnSiDeR tHe FoLLoWiNg

Percy is a hella Hufflepuff, no denying it, not one bit. He doesn’t care about a position or nothing, he is just a pure Hufflepuff inside and out.

Let’s talk about some major Hufflepuff qualities here:

• Dedication (yo my boy percy is pretty dedicated to the camp and to staying alive am i right i mean he was literally not at all tempted to join kronos’ army like ever soo yeah. also. consider a thing. have u even read the books. if they are a smol bean and he has met them at least 15 mins ago u bet ur lil ass he’s dedicated)

• Patience (percy has not decapitated a SINGLE god on purpose and they all keep coming back, i mean it’s bound to happen someday but CMON YOU GOTTA ADMIRE HIM FOR THAT. literally so patient. even by ADHD standards and its ok u can ask me i have ADHD but that’s beside the point back to percy now)

• Loyalty (it’s his freaking fatal flaw wtf else do you want from him??? to jump into tartarus out of loyalty to his girlfriend??? you do one wrong thing to percy’s friend and he will mESS UP YOUR SHIT LIKE A TRUE HUFFLEPUFF DON’T EVEN PRETEND HE WON’T. remember nancy? I THOUGHT SO. FIRST FEW PAGES OF THE SERIES. AND IT ONLY GETS BETTER)

THAT BEING SAID: ALL THESE THINGS ARE DEF PRETTY IMPORTANT TO PERCY OKAY

Conclusion: HELGA HUFFLEPUFF IS HAPPY THAT SHE HAS SUCH A HELLA HUFFLEPUFF IN HER HOUSE WHERE HE BELONGS.

Don’t try to tell me my girl Annabeth is a Ravenclaw because she ain’t no Ravenclaw get outta my face and let me lay down some FACTS here

LOOK AT THESE SLYTHERIN/ANNABAE TRAITS

• Cunning (we all know what this means so lemme just throw down some hella rad SYNONYMS because those are just the bOMB DIGGITY: we got crafting, scheming, designing, and calculating rn. YOU KNOW WHO IS ALL OF THOSE THINGS? MY GIRL ANNIE. FIGHT ME. I GOT ANNABETH ON MY TEAM AND SHE WILL SLAY YOU WITH HER CLEVERNESS AND DECEIT BEFORE SHE EVEN TAKES OUT HER DAGGER. SHE TRICKED ARACHNE INTO WEAVING HER OWN DEATH TRAP FOR ZEUS’ SAKE)

• Resourcefulness (lil bby annabeth ran away from home in SAN FRANCISCO when she was SEVEN and met luke and thalia in RICHMOND which is in VIRGINIA. SHE WAS SEVEN AND SOMEHOW WENT FROM THE WEST COAST TO THE EAST COAST. GOTTA BE RESOURCEFUL FOR THAT. also remember that time when she broke her ankle, scolded it, then made a cast out of bUBBLE WRAP? BECAUSE I DO. AND THEN THE WHOLE WEAVING A BRIDGE THING. DANG GIRL.)

• Ambition (don’t deny it this girl’s fatal flaw is pride and those two things are connected aS SHIT. SHE’S SO INTENT ON BEING AN ARCHITECT THAT SHE GOT THE GODS TO GIVE HER A JOB REDESIGNING MOUNT OLYMPUS AND THATS A BIG ASS THING IF I DO SAY SO MYSELF. reminder that this girl had the chance to get away from a sphinx but she challenged it instead because it was sorta insulting?? who else do we know is like this?? oh yeah fUCKIGN SLYTHERINS)

ANNABETH BAMF CHASE HAS ALL THESE QUALITIES AND SHE KNOWS IT. THAT’S WHY SHE USES THEM TO HER ADVANTAGE SO OFTEN.

Conclusion: SALAZAR SLYTHERIN SAYS ANNABETH CHASE CAN SLAY HIS BASILISK ANYTIME THAT’S HOW PERFECT SHE IS FOR THIS HOUSE.

LEMME TALK TO YOU ABOUT A THING HERE. A BIG THING. AN IMPORTANT THING. JASON IS A RAD LIL RAVENCLAW BOOGER AND HERE’S WHY. THERE ARE A WHOLE LOTTA RAVENCLAW TRAITS BUT IMMA GIVE YOU 3.

• Wisdom (yeah annabeth’s mom may be the goddess of wisdom but if jason wasn’t wise then how the heckity heck would he have survived long enough to be made a freaking PRAETOR. also you know what fight me. jason is the equivalent of a giant dog that is a floofer and goes boof and loves small children but that has nothing to do with wisdom anyway he is one of the smartest out of the seven)

• Individuality (yeah that’s a thing go ask my girl JK. if jason isn’t so Original™ then explain to me please how he restored the Fifth Cohort to awesomeness?? he was a total badass who didn’t take any shit and turned it around for the whole cohort that’s how. this lil boi is an individual yis. one might ask how can one be a badass but also be a fluffball? well jason did it so stop asking ok)

• Acceptance (we are talking about the official mom friend and the founder of the nico di angelo protection squad what else do you want him to do, hug mother earth??? he wrote the song you’ve got a friend in me because he loves everyone)

SEE HERE: JASON IS A TOTAL DORK NERD WHO POKES PIPER AND GOES “PIPER. PIPER LISTEN TO THIS THING I FOUND OUT TODAY. PIPER ISN’T IT AWESOME”

Conclusion: NOWHERE ELSE IS WHERE JASON GOES. HE WEARS THE RAVENCLAW DIADEM TO ALL OF HIS CLASSES. FIGHT ME. ALSO THE GREY LADY BC HE MAKES HER COOKIES AND SHE LOVES IT EVEN THOUGH SHE’S DEAD AND CAN’T EAT THEM.

Consider yourself a thing. Consider all of the Gryffindor Piper things. JUST CONSIDER THEM.

• Recklessness (subtle reminder that Piper used her charmspeak to fuckign steal stuff even though she knew she would get caught. also consider yourself some other things. remember when she anNIHILATED A FRICKIN GODDESS WITH HER IMPULSIVENESS BECAUSE YES. remember when she and anniebell had to do the thing with the stuff that was all about feelings and shit but lil orphan annie over there was totally lost and all like “this is hella illogical” and pipes was just all “we just gotta dO THE THING ANNABETH” and it was total badassery bc it’s the reason i live)

• Bravery (this girl went on her first quest like a week after she found out she was a demigod and would probably die a painful death bUT DID SHE STUTTER?? nah. REMEMBER WHEN SHE SCREAMED AT A CROWD OF ANGRY ROMAN CHILDREN WHO WANTED MURDER BECAUSE JASON GOT HIT IN THE HEAD WITH A BRICK AND SHE HAD TO PROTECT HIM??? BRAVE. went on her first quest knowing that her dad was probably gonna die and did all the things to make the giants angry and plan a rescue??? BRAVE AF.)

• Chivalry (HELLA amazing friend because she’s just sO GENUINE AND KIND and you know that if someone hurts you she will CUT THEM WITH HER SUPER BADASS KNIFE THAT GIVES PEOPLE NIGHTMARES. stands by jason ALL THE TIME especially when he needs her and actually everyone can count on her for all of the things.)

SO: IF YOU DON’T THINK PIPER IS HELLA BRAVE THEN YOU ARE VERY WRONG MY DEAR FRIEND.

Conclusion: Piper would have defeated Voldemort by year 2 but sadly she was not the chosen one. GODRIC GRYFFINDOR SAYS HER FACE SHOULD BE PERMANENTLY ENGRAVED ON HIS SWORD SO THAT THE LAST THING THEIR ENEMIES SEE IS THE CUTE AND UNFORGIVING FACE OF PIPER MCLEAN.

On the subject of Leo: This child is a Ravenclaw through and through no evidence needed but jUST IN CASE I WILL TALK TO YOU ABOUT THE STUFF.

• Creativity (we are talking about a smol bean who makes tiny helicopters and stuff that actually works WHEN HE IS NOT EVEN LOOKING AT WHAT HE IS DOING OR PAYING ANY ATTENTION TO IT. remember how this child saw a terrifying bronze dragon that everyone had tried and failed to tame and just went “sweet, imma grab that so we can ride off into the Canadian sunset”??? yeahp. remember when apollo needed a thing so he just casually freaking iNVENTED A BRAND NEW INSTRUMENT LIKE IT WAS NBD??? I DO. BADASS)

• Originality (leo practically becomes famous for his abilities to come up with plans that are so ridiculously original that nobody figures out what’s happening before it’s too late and if that’s not good enough for you then idk what is. allow me to raise you the cyclops incident, right next to the robot eidolons thing plus that whole fiasco where he fuckign died, also did i mention the valdezinator or the fact that he was the only person to ever figure out how to return to ogygia?? this kid is a mechanical engineer already and he’s 16 im pretty sure baby eight year old leo sat through calculus classes at a local college and got the best grades tbh)

• Wit (leo is the master of comebacks and rash two-minute ideas that actually end up working like damn son this is a purebred Ravenclaw right here lemme just appreciate this. also hey remember that time where he got launched off of a flying ship and was hurtling downwards at a very alarming rate because you know that’s what happens when you fall and he literally actually built himself a working helicopter so that he wouldn’t die all while free falling from probably at least a few thousand feet in the air like damn son)

AS A FOOTNOTE: LEO CAN RIVAL ANNABETH IN KNOWLEDGE I MEAN HE IS A MECHANICAL ENGINEER WHAT MORE DO YOU ASK FOR

Conclusion: Leo and Jason share the diadem. Leo gets it on mondays, wednesdays and fridays and Jason gets to wear it on tuesdays, thursdays and saturdays and on sundays they surrender it to the marble bust of Rowena Ravenclaw in the Ravenclaw Tower who says that LEO DESERVES TO BE IN RAVENCLAW EVEN MORE SO THAN YOUR AVERAGE STUDENT COME AT ME BRO

ok well hazel is somehow both my child and my mom so I’m not exactly sure how that works but anyway hERE ARE ALL THE REASONS THAT HAZEL IS A BEAUTIFUL, BADASS SLYTHERIN.

• Cunning (hey y'all remember that time with the cliff and the turtle and the feet?? terrifying huh?? yeah girl slay!! hazel will trick you and manipulate you and you won’t have any idea it’s happening until you’re being gobbled up by your own gargantuan pet sea turtle. Slytherins are also known for achieving their ends in any and all ways and all i could think of was how my child actually literally fuckign died so that she could stop the rise of acelonywhatever and the whole time she was 13 and staring death and gaea right in the frickin face and she didn’t give any shits at all)

• Resourcefulness (let’s talk about that time when hazel was “captured” by the amazons and basically had nothing so she did the only logical thing which was drown them in massive piles of jewelry from the warehouse and make them beg for mercy, also there was this horse thing that nobody could touch and she just casually goes “oh just a sec lemme summon a giant gold nugget that was probably at least a mile into the dirt because how else would it be this big” and he loves her and she rides him into victory. did i mention that hazel is my mom?? this is just one (1) of the sUPER RAD RESOURCEFUL THINGS that hazel manages to pull off)

• Ambition (hazel both believes and knows for a fact that she can literally do all of the things and she never once doubts herself like at all because she is AMAZEBALLS LIKE THAT. SHE WAS 13 AND THE AMAZONS WERE ALL LIKE “DANG GIRL WE WANT YOU ON OUR TEAM” and she was like “i got this huge to-do list but nbd i’ll get her done” like she is pURE CONFIDENCE AND. YES)

Also: SHE’S TOTALLY SUPER COOL WITH ALL THE THINGS AND IS NEVER FAZED. THAT IS MY GIRL.

Conclusion: HAZEL LEVESQUE IS SLYTHERIN AF AND WILL ALWAYS ACHIEVE HER ENDS NO MATTER HOW MANY GIANT SEA TURTLES SHE HAS TO FEED YOU TO. SALAZAR SLYTHERIN FRICKIN APPROVES AND THINKS THAT SHE IS JUST AS TERRIFYING AS ANNABETH.

Not gonna deny that my lil noob Frankie's a tRUE PURE-HEARTED GRYFFINDOR. THIS IS WHY YOU SHOULD AGREE WITH ME.

• Chivalry (WE’RE TALKING ABOUT A CHILD WHO WILL TRIP OVER HIS OWN FEET AND PUNCH HIMSELF IN THE FACE IF IT MEANS HE’S SHOWING RESPECT TO YOU. my dude doesn’t care who you are, he will literally always show you respect until he’s given a reason not to. everything he eVER DOES is because he’s PROTECTING SOMEONE or he’s GETTING A LIL BIT OF PAYBACK and if that’s noT A GRYFFINDOR THING THEN DAMN SON YOU SHOULD REALLY SORT OUT YOUR PRIORITIES)

• Bravery (if you’re going to come into mY HOUSE and tell me that FRANK ZHANG ISN’T BRAVE then feel free to hit yourself in the face with a hammer because guess what losers?? this kid loses his mom and then his gma just goes “oh by the way you’re half god and you have a gift that you need to figure out for yourself and also here’s this piece of wood, don’t burn it or else you will actually die, now go with this pack of fuckign wolves to camp so that monsters won’t attack you and you won’t die, plus when you get there you have to beg forgiveness for this thing that your great grandfather did or else they might literally murder you. have fun” and frankie just rOLLS WITH IT AND KICKS ASS WHILE BEING A CUTE LIL CHUBBY BUNNY. LET’S NOT FORGET ABOUT HOW HE COMPLETELY OBLITERATED A WHOLE CITY’S WORTH OF MONSTERS to appease a stupid ass god and save nico and hazel from being forever plants and he gets back and trippy is absolutely terrified of him because omg he’s glowing red and he actually did the thing and oh also he kind of scared me so much that i sort of forgot i was a god and had power over him)

• Nerve (let me repeat how FRANK ENOUGH NERVE TO THREATEN A GOD WITHOUT EVEN THINKING OF THE CONSEQUENCES. I’M SO DONE WITH THIS. THIS IS MY SHIT THANKS. PLS APPRECIATE FRANKIE YOURE ALL BREAKING MY HEART. Also remember how he entrusted his real actual lifeline to somebody who wasn’t him like daaang boi that is so pure)

Additionally: FRANK ZHANG IS THE REASON I AM ALIVE AND WELL. ALSO REMEMBER HOW HE BECAME PRAETOR?? I DO BELIEVE THAT IS THE MOST BADASS WAY ANYONE HAS EVER BECOME PRAETOR PLEASE AND THANKS

Conclusion: GODRIC GRYFFINDOR CRIED WHEN FRANK WAS SORTED INTO HIS HOUSE. GODRIC DOESN’T THINK HE EVEN DESERVES FRANK. FRANK CAN HAVE 4 OF HIS SWORDS.

THIS HAS BEEN A THING. A THING WITH HOUSES AND PJO. I HOPE THIS WAS ENTERTAINING AT LEAST. THANK YOU KINDLY.

[dong-hyucks]

so.... haechan's nct dream boy video pictures are out. do say a word or two (or a thousand more) about how you feel about them :-) -🌻✨

OKAY LET’S DO THIS

i was actually abt to fall asleep bc apparently writing the winwin scenario took a lot out of me lol but the mention of the sun himself woke me up :))) but if there’s a lot of spelling and/or grammar errors pls excuse me i’m actually lowkey tired

under the cut for obvious reasons i’m–

be warned i’m going over literally e v e r y t h i n g from the video so if you’re not up for a rant rn i suggest not reading this (or do, how can you dislike reading about the sun i–) watch the video here!!

welcome class, to dingdonghyuck 101; the class where i, the teacher, talks about the wonderful lee donghyuck, commonly known as haechan from the south korean boygroup, NCT. specifically NCT 127 and NCT Dream :)

before we begin, i came across a vv good gifset of the beginning made by @nctaezen and it can be found here :)

let’s begin, shall we?

so in the beginning, mark and donghyuck are literally just walking down some stairs and i’m already feeling a t t a c k e d like???? watching the boys have fun is my absolute freaking aesthetic fite me on this okay

- their outfits are WONDERFUL i love the really casual look on them (and every other look akjgfakjh MODELS) they rock it!! omg hyuck’s hair is so vibrant you can’t help but look at it. you know what else could be considered vibrant? something else you can’t help but just stare at? that’s right. THE SUN. it’s confirmed– because of that logic lee donghyuck is the sun. :) and mark omg he looks really cute in yellow??? and the clothes he’s wearing are super cute i love

- the shot was so pretty!! like with the powerlines in the background?? that blue sky?? that reflection of the sun’s light?? the green plants?? the nice staircase?? absolute beauty i’m ajkwhagjkhag

- and the way they just hop down the stairs!! talk about cute like omg i’m so weak;; the lil spin hyuck does is just so adorable i wanna hug him :))) (is that weird i’m sorRy)

- by the way, for future reference i am really bad at taking screenshots of mv’s

blurry pic but honestly it could be four pixels and i’d still say donghyuck looks absolutely amazing

- THIS IS THE LIL SPIN I WAS TALKING ABOUT OKAY he’s so cute i love him so much omg and the exPRESSION HE HAD ON WHILE HE WAS WALKING DOWN THE STAIRS OKAY LOOK

- he may have been making just a straight face buT IT WAS BEAUTIFUL OKAY like omg he looked so focused on what was ahead of him i’m just :’)) lee donghyuck is cute guys

- aND WHEN HE SLID UNDER THE HAND RAIL IM

- the way he did it was so precious n cute and i just??? guys, have i mentioned i love lee donghyuck because,,, i love lee donghyuck

- also the fact that they had chewing gum playing in the bg mADE ME SO HAPPY LIKE YOU GUYS HAVE NO IDEA chewing gum is such a bop!! hearing the song itself was one of the many reasons why i couldn’t stop smiling during this video like hearing it brought me back!!! even though i literally listen to it everyday sTILL IT BROUGHT ME BACK OKAY

OMG TAKING A SCREENSHOT OF THIS ACTUALLY KILLED ME i also stopped doing this for like 10min to just,,, look because he’s so cute n beautiful and i’m just– FUN FACT; THIS IS THE PART WHERE I STARTED CRYING

- okay but lOOK AT THAT LITTLE SMILE HE’S SO CUTE N PRECIOUS I LOVE HIM SO MUCH?? LIKE I HOPE HE CAN KEEP SMILING FOREVER BC HE DESERVES ETERNAL HAPPINESS OKAY

- also again!! with the cinematic shot!!! like honestly donghyuck is such a victual (sorry i started saying that after listening to victon lol) that he could literally b e wearing a garbage bag and i’d still call it art– but like??? look at it, just look at it okay. pictures in which the bg is vv blurry but the main focus of the picture is in HD, clear, clear view?? i love it. like his cute smile just adds to the reason why i love this part but the way his hair just catches the light??? like he looks so sOFT i LOVE HIM and that little shine in his eyes i’m just awhfka like have you ever cried because you saw a person so beautiful because i–

okay this post is probably going to be really donghyuck biased but y’know,,, it’s about his boy video so it makes sense bUT LOOK AT HOW CUTE N SOFT MARK LOOKS HERE!! i’m giving out free hugs to mark (and every other) stan out there bc you’re all cute n ily and your bias okay :))

- like, with mark as well they both have this shine in their eyes and it’s just making me so soft rn i’m :’)) again with the lighting and the shot in general i just love everything about this video okay

okay but i personally thing hyuck looks so cool in this shot!! even tho deep down i know he’s sUCH a dork (i love him for it :)) the cool n casual way he did the handshake was just really,,, cool to me!!! excuse me my vocab rn is limited

- OKAY BUT LET’S TALK ABOUT (love lemme talk about love, i’m talking about HYUCK–) MARKHYUCK’S CUTE HANDSHAKE OKAY LIKE IT’S JUST SO PRECIOUS N ADORABLE!! i love witnessing handshakes between best friends because honestly just the sight of it makes me so weak because of how absolutely cute they are :)) ah, flashbacks to the days where my friend and i would slap each other as a greeting

hoo boy

- AGAIN, THE LIGHTING IS AMAZING N I LOVE IT OKAY

- honestly mARKHYUCK THEY STRAIGHT UP MODELS!! they’re literally just sitting down but they’re just oOzInG the model presence!! like for instance the way hyuck is leaning against the railing n looking up? my aesthetic right there. and just the casual way he’s sitting down to his hand position just makes me smile so much because of how cute n innocent he looks here :)) not to mention mark– who, even though he’s slightly covered by a railing, looks like a 15/10 !! honestly casual works for them so well i love it so much

I’M ACTUALLY READYING MYSELF IN CASE I START CRYING AGAIN DOING THIS– I HAVE A TISSUE BOX AND A KUMAMON PLUSH AT R E A D Y

- OKAY THIS WILL BE THE LAST TIME I MENTION IT BUT THE LIGHTING IS ACTUAL PERFECTION Like look at the way it’s shining through the trees!! over their heads!! it’s beautiful i’m–

- donghyuck is literally just pulling a straight face again but i am in love like he looks so good!! in his outfit n hair colour and i’m just;;; tHE WAY HE’S LOOKING AT THE CAMERA HAS ME WEAK AT THE KNEES OKAY WHEN I FIRST WATCHED THIS VID I LITERALLY FELL OFF MY CHAIR THE DONGHYUCK EFFECT™ EVERYONE

- can’t forget about mark over here beING RUDE AF LET ME STAY LOYAL. THANKS. also i just realized but does mark’s shirt say ‘call me’ i’m ch O KING PLEASE DON’T ACTUALLY CALL THE NUMBER ON THE SHIRT I–

okay again with the plants i’m sensing a trend here anD I LIKE IT :))

- i’ve mentioned this on my side blog but i love love love the way his shirt literally matches his hair like WOW TALK ABOUT COORDINATION anywho when he was clapping i was literal heart eyes!! he can make such a simple task look so cute and i’m just s o b b i n g

- I STILL DON’T KNOW WHAT THEY’RE SAYING BUT I’M SMILING AND LAUGHING WITH THEM OKAY YOU GO BBYS YOU’RE DOING AMAZING :)))

- okay but after this screenshot it suddenly changed filters and i wAS SO SURPRISED I JUMPED BC WOAH I GOT TO SEE THE SUN IN A DIFFERENT FILTER IN A DIFFERENT ANGLE wowow all i can say is that this person, the sun in human form, the love of my life, looks great from literally every angle

this isn;t a good screenshot (even tho i believe every picture of hyuck is g r e a t :)) but let’s be real i wasn’t going to get a good one anyway i’m bad at this lol

- anYWAY OMG THIS IS A T T A C K I N G ME

- I WASN’T EXPECTING THE SUDDEN CHERRY-BOMB-HYUCK-HITTING-THE-CAMERA SHOT LIKE I CH OKE D N CRIED AT THE SAME TIME

- on a side note hYUCK LOOKED SO GOOD IN CHERRY BOMB LIKE AKHFGKAGHLKJ I’M SO WEAK

- THERE WAS ALSO A WE YOUNG SHOT BUT I AM SO BAD AT TAKING SCREENSHOTS I’LL SPARE YOU,,, FOR NOW BUT IT WAS JUST REALLY REALLY CUTE OKAY

(i forgot to fullscreen it before taking a picture but you can just,, deal with that oops) I DON’T HAVE MUCH TO SAY ABT THIS PART BC I DON’T UNDERSTAND WHAT THEY’RE SAYING B U T LOOK AT HYUCK’S BEAUTIFUL 1000WATT SMILE :))) I LOVE

- okay throughout this entire part hyuck was like smiling and laughing the entire time and i’m :’)))) he’s so b e a u t i f u l without trying and i just love him so much omg can you believe there’s someone this beautiful out there i’m–

- OHHHHMYGOD DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON THEIR VOICES OKAY THEY AREN’T SINGING OR RAPPING BUT THEIR VOICES ARE SOO SOOTHING AND I JUST LOVE IT SM

THEY’RE LITERALLY SKIPPING THEY’RE STILL CHILDISH IT’S SO CUTE AKHFGWKAHGKH

- i love everything about this part– the bg music, the fact that they’re s k i p p i n g, their beAUTIFUL SMILES–

- they literally like hopped up the stairs i’m

LOOK AT THEIR EXPRESSIONS

- they looks so curious n exci ted i’m just agljkwahlgkjwahlkg I’M A MESS RN THEY’RE TOO CUTE FOR MY HEART TO HANDLE

- smth about the way they even opened the door has my heart racing miles THEY’RE SO ADORABLE I LOVE

- back to the curious n excited bit they lowkey remind me of puppies here :)))) like omg if i had to describe my puppers in two words i’d use curious and excited bc that’s what they both are bUT OMG LOOK AT EM BEING ALL CUTE WHILE ENTERING A BUILDING I’M SO WEAK

mark in this pic is my forever mood okay just casually aDMIRING THE SUN N IT’S BEAUTY :)))

- lOOK AT DONGHYUCK’S SMILE HERE IT’S SO CUTE N IT KIND OF RESEMBLES THE EXPRESSION HE MAKES WHEN HE’S TRYING TO STOP HIMSELF FROM LAU GHING AND I’M JUST OVER HERE SQUISHING MY KUMAMON PLUSH VV TIGHTLY BECAUSE MY HEART CAN’T HANDLE THIS CUTENESS

- ps i love his ring n i kind of want ones like them

i’m soRRY ARE THEY DRINKING MILK THAT’S REALLY CUTE OMG CORRECT ME IF I’M WRONG PLEASE

- omg the way mark smiled when he put down the glass after this i’m just :’))))

- aND THE WAY HYUCK LOWKEY STARED AT MARK WITH THIS SMALL SMILE ON HIS FACE THEY’RE SO CUTE N THEIR LIL STARES ARE RECIPROCATED 

this might sound weird but i really like watching mukbangs from idols and just idols eating in general bc i always get really worried for people,,, like during the weekends, i might not see my friends so i’m always thinking like: “did they have breakfast today?? lunch??? oml i hope they have a good dinner” n i think like that about people i haven’t even met yet like omg i am the epitome of clumsy mom friend n i just care a lot about them so seeing them eating well n being all happy about it just makes me the happiest person in the universe :))))

- again i love their voices so much like omg they were gifted in every way possible i love them so much :)))

- ALSO HYUCK LAUGHED DURING THIS SCENE AND I SWEAR A RAINBOW FLOODED INTO MY ROOM VIA MY WINDOW, THE CLOUDS WENT AWAY AND BIRD WERE SINGING N EVERYTHING WAS JUST PROSPERING BC OF IT

okay but for real tho he looks sosososo good here i’m not even remotely joking

- prepare for all caps regarding the next picture

OH MY GODS HE IS SUCH A BEAUTIFUL HUMAN BEING I HAVE SO MANY THINGS TO SAY ABOUT THIS PHOTO

- LET’S START WITH THE BASICS; AGAIN I LOVE THE FACT THAT HIS HAIR MATCHES HIS SHIRT LIKE THAT IS THE CUTEST THING I’VE SEEN ALL DAY :)))))

- SECOND, THE BACKGROUND OKAY THE PLANTS HAVE MADE A RETURN I’M LOVING ALL THIS BACKGROUND ADDITIONS SO MUCH LIKE YOU HAVE NO IDEA

- THIRD; THE SCENE BEFORE THIS okAY SO BASICALLY HE GOT UP FROM THE STOOL N THEN PUSHED OPEN THE DOORS AND I TEARED UP AGAIN LIKE OMG HE LOOKED STRAIGHT OUT OF A DISNEY MOVIE WITH THIS CUTE SMILE AND THE LIL TILTING OF HIS HEAD I AM W E A K I SWEAR I SAW SPARKLES FOLLOWING HIM AROUND BC HE’S JUST THAT MAGICAL OKAY

- FOURTH; HIS EYESSSSS OMG HIS EYES ARE SHINING AGAIN AND I AM SO IN LOVE LIKE HIS EYES ARE SUCH A BEAUTIFUL SHADE OF BROWN (they look kinda hazelish/honeyish but a bit darker like i loVE HIS EYES SO MUCH THEY’RE WONDERFUL :))) N THE WAY HE’S JUST STARING AT THE CAMERA AS IF HE DOESN’T KNOW HOW HIS SMILE EFFECTS ME N SO MANY OTHERS I JUST–

- FIFTH; ‘KAY BUT HIS SKIN LOOKS F L A W L E S S HERE LIKE HYUCK PLS SHOW ME YOUR WAYS BUBS

- SIXTH N FINAL ONE; this might sound really weird pls don’t leave buT HIS LIPS ARE LIKE REALLY PINK AND THEY LOOK SOFT THAT’S ALL I’M GOING TO SAY

HE’S LITERALLY MODEL MATERIAL I’M HOL LERING LEE DONGHYUCK IS SUCH AN ETHEREAL HUMAN BEING I LOVE HIM

I’M ACTUALLY CRYING AGAIN LIKE HE JUST LOOKS SO SOFT HERE N ONE OF MY FRIENDS LITERALLY TOLD ME ‘imagine lying down next to him n him just looking over at you like this” AND I SOBBED IN MATH OKAY LIKE THAT IS SUCH A LUXURIOUS IMAGE THAT I DON’T DESERVE TO IMAGINE I–

- hE LOOKS PERFECT HERE!! AGAIN HIS SKIN IS BEAUTIFUL I’M HIGHKEY JEALOUS BUT IDC RIGHT NOW LET’S ALL JUST GIVE HYUCK A STANDING OVATION FOR BEING H Y U C K

- i heard if you look up the words ethereal, beautiful, pretty, handsome, amazing, perfect, and cute in the dictionary, this picture of hyuck shows up :)

- AGAIN WITH THE SHINING EYES I’M SO WEAK RN

- AND HIS HAIR LOOKS PERFECT

- LEE DONGHYUCK; THE TRUE VICTUAL (tho let’s be real, there is no one visual in nct istg they’re all the main visual don’t fite me on this)

i’m stopping myself from taking screenshots of literally every frame bc 1) that’d take forever n 2) i don’t have the space on my computer for that

- OKAY BUT THEY JUST SHOWED US LIKE FIVE ANGLES OF HIM WITHIN TWO SECONDS I FEEL SO BLESSED I GET TO LOOK AT THE SUN AT DIFFERENT ANGLES I LOVE

- HIS VOICE IS SO SOOTHING HONESTLY OMG

i’m contemplating whether or not to change my entire theme to fit this picture bc look at him fowhgwkag the aesthetic red vibes going on have me shaking in my chair

- OKAY SO BASICALLY AFTER THIS THEY CUT BACK TO AN INTERVIEW OR SMTH N HYUCK WAS ANSWERING ALL CUTELY AND EVERYTHING AND I’M PRETTY SURE HE SAID THE SAME THING AS JENO IN HIS INTERVIEW WHICH IS SO CUTE HONESTLY

- EXCUSE MY CAPS I’M TOO LAZY TO TURN THEM OFF BTW

- ANYWHO MY COMPUTER’S GETTING SLOW SO I’MMA REST IT FOR A BIT BEFORE TAKING MORE SCREENSHOTS SO I’LL JUST EXPLAIN WHAT HAPPENS

- IF I CAN

 - IT CUT BACK TO THE PART WHERE HE’S SITTING ON A STOOL (STILL ANSWERING QUESTIONS) AND HE TALKS ABOUT GOING TO A BEACH W/ THE DREAM TEAM™

- WHICH JENO ALSO TALKED ABT THEY’RE BOTH SO CUTE HONESTLY

OKAY THIS WAS WHEN I STARTED LEGIT CRYING CRYING BEFORE SCHOOL EARLIER

- I’M NOT GOING TO SCREENSHOT IT BC YOU CAN JUST ADMIRE THE VIDEO [full boy video] or [just singing] (@dongkooki‘s video)

- anywho the video is just so wonderful on so many different levels honestly

- to begin, i just love how it was shot in general??? like the way he looks so casual and so into the song he’s singing just gets me right in the heart y’know and the fact that multiple cameras were filming him for those multiple angles ALSO gets me right in the heart like– i’ve been shot and i’m okay with that

- GUYS I’M GETTING EMOTIONAL LISTENING TO IT AGAIN I JUST

- ANYWAY before i start sobbing into my keyboard HIS VOICE IS AMAZING OKAY I CAN WRITE A SEVEN PAGE THESIS, FONT 12 + TIMES NEW ROMAN ON HOW MUCH I JUST LOVE HIS VOICE N HOW AMAZING IT IS ALRIGHT LIKE HIS VOICE I S JUST SO SOFT YET POWERFUL N SWEET LIKE HONEY :))))) I’M SO WEAK FOR DONGHYUCK’S VOICE

- ALSO AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO KINDA GOT REMINDED OF A DRAMA WHILE WATCHING THIS LIKE OMG now i’m imagining donghyuck as a lead in a drama getting caught singing to himself and i just awghawhgka i’m making myself cry again omf

i’ll end this here because if i don’t i will literally go on…. forever….. and just die of starvation n dehydration at my desk (i’m kidding omg)

tysm for sending this ask flower anon ily :) have a nice day!!

(ps this was 3k long :) i did more than a thousand lol)

[haeroniel-doliet]

dwhos here for another raaaaaant (vent)? topic is friendships but lets see where thisll go! waheyy let us insert the read more. 

kayokay okay welcome youre gonna regret this; if you havent read through my shitty vents before prepare for ilegibility and thought trains going all over the place and references to things and people youll never know okay great you got off this train? cool gives me more power to crash it see ya. 

okay where do we even begin, oh lets go wild and push out a couple topics first. one is; how shit has improved being uni and how everything seems awful brighter now; why it hasnt actually improved and im lonely as ever; how lonely have i always been; but am i really lonely or just think i should have more bc expectations; why im like this and cannot form relationships

lets start with a bit of a history dive eh eh this is what youre here for, me oversharing my life to nobody thatll read it but come on anyway bc one of the reasons i even fucking do these is because; ironically enough; i have no friends to vent this to!! nobody who actually gives a shit!! and even if they did i have a lot more words and confused thoughts to write out here that would just be really mean to inflict on someone else. 

ok so, classically as a kid ive almost grown as an only child, obviously have a big bro of 7 yrs older that i never formed more of a bond to than the one we share by sharing a family. aka we barely talk. but like i know he doesnt hate me i guess? ok im not gonna go there. its a weird mess. but. all childhood was mostly me playin by myself bc our family friends had kids his age not mine, and we moved around a bunch too and people came in and out, i guess i made ‘best friends’ pretty easily, but none stuck around longer than a year maybe 2-3. bc thats how life was and as a child i guess it wasnt a bother bc hey, let me be friends with everyone! oh but protective parents also mean mostly on my own. thats cool. im totally mature to be sitting at the adults table (there was no kids table) well early at 6-7. mhmmm 

lemme return to finland and start being an early awkward preteen! oh ill be friends with everyone! oh. everyone already has their best friend or best friend group? oh i get left on the playground alone ‘playing the dog at home while they go shopping okay playground games were lame but whaddyou do’ aight cool im okay with this theyre all my friends and im gona draw you all to make friends and nobody like actually bullies me or thinks im weird i guess, anyway school work. oh okay ill make best friends w my neighbour bc were only 7 days apart in age and thats crazy!! i guess we also make friends with lil girls next door bc were 10- 12 and thats what u do. sure. i feel rather criticised by my so called bff bc. we are not on the same wavelength, i feel dumb, im never as funny even if they are hilarious to me, i do gross things w out thinking (imagine having to be told by your friend that you need to buy deodorant when you never thought abt it) and like a bunch of other stuff like not picking up on social cues they dont wanna hang out with me or they dont think looking at funny pictures on the phone is fun... oh okay i mean i guess theyre way better than me but were still friends right? uh yeah. 

okay lets take a gap and go to uk, oh wow, SHIT people actually miss me at home?? im making friends with all these kids in my neighbourhood! oh i can be like the movies where they go down the street and hang out and have movienights awesome! who this is the best! fucking halloween w other 13 yr olds?? having hobbies w them? walking to the bus together and home together?? mad. wild. friends. lets ignore the school consisting of pricks and the only time in my school career ive gotten bullied. like classic bullying. pens thrown at me, butt touched, skirt lifted, name called, teasing my ‘naivety’ (do you work at the dildo factory? haahah. are you frigid? would you have sex with me if i bought you a burger?) oh 13-14 yr olds....  ok no its a wild really good and really shit year combined into an okay year. let me just return home and promise to keep in touch and really very barely keep in touch with any of them. thanks instagram for enabling minimal contact and keeping up w each other. 

(also back then made my first post cryin to tumblr oh why cant i have tumblr besties like everyone else seems to, please someone be my internet buddy! lucky enough actually talked to Amelia a lot, though...... 14 yr old and abt 20 smth. but we played minecraft together and made two shit youtube videos of our competition participation like. you were a good friend to me. never pushed it too far and i really liked having a mature friend. such a shame you seem to have disappeared off the internet (anywehre i know how to reach you) bc hell, i would not have been opposed to meeting you finally irl at fuckin mcm like i always kinda wanted to bc i saw ppl online do, anyway i hope ur life is good and thanks) 

kay so, finally back home weve all moved past the best friend cliques okay okay my class is actually fuckin rad like whaddu you know i dont have to aggressively swear and avoid hugs anymore (self defence from that shitty year) but actually have all these wholesome friends, ofc there were stronger relationships between some people but! i was included. i felt good. it was good. i figured out this being everyones friend thing. im a proper teen now eh. oh but i still had my best friend (briefly moirail) maxx! talking everyday at least for least half an hour if not more, skype calls... watching movies together... sending shit to canada and that one mail i got from you and planning so hard a visit there, even if it felt unrealistic. maybe even spending too much time on you and not making as many connections to my class friends as i could have, u know. stuck on my phone to always be available to you. making you more important. dunno how often id talk thru a crisis in class or however late at night bc, i wanted to be there for you! i loved being needed and being an important piece in moving thru tough times. sure detrimental maybe irl but i was being too much online anyway which i still do but were not there yet. besides, that relationship has had a bit of a roller coaster in the past nearly4 yrs (is it more?) shit that started from an rp and then slowly talking more to being moirails to being the tightest best friends “momma” and all, to your irl friends breaking it up slowly, then a boyfriend really took oyur time and we didnt talk daily lt alone ever get to call bc... shit. okay but i was friends with your boyfriend and though i saw it wouldnt last i was okay with it, like right cool thats teh boyfriend and im the bestfriend. im still involved. yeah man. oh you broke up and now talk more to me! fuck yeah. ill take your side in this regardless. lets get close again even if its not quite the same. i try join your cosplay groups though i cant help feeling me joining killed them, and i followed some you were passionate on! drew all those rad characters of you and your friends to feel adequate and appreciated. then you ad your drama, hated this kid and i wasnt even rly involved. all of a sudden, tight friends, oh i get to be in a chat w you both and a rad other person i had a mild crush on! rad. hell yeah. ive never been in a groupchat like this! this is great i love it. and the vikings came up. and your new friend left bc i was a cis girl and he has problems and could not deal with me not agreeing with his shit argument. (about my countrys history!!)  anyway. they make their groupchat, groupchats die. oh. great i ruined it. okay. i no longer know whats in your life.... oh youre best friends now? i kind of have to bug you to even get added to your ‘friends page’ as dumb as it is. i get knocked right aside as hes the bff and the greatest sweetest person ever even though he still seems like a major dick and even your cool older friend agrees with me..... a load of bullshit and weve drawn apart to barely talking once a week and ive still sent you many gifts bc i think its great! until.  yeah i wasnt gonna send anymore till you promised to set me up with cosplay pieces for christmas and i freak out to send you smth in return (never got more than measurements from me, and due to shit timing i didnt even get to be there for you opening the presents which fuckin ruined it) but whats this? a year on im fucking coming to america and conviced my parents to also go to canada???? fucking insane. still we dont talk much, the plans werent like i expected but i met you and the cool older friend! amazing! it happened! youre real! i brought you more gifts and i got pictures with you and its, it doesnt feel real still. i keep the fucking bus ticket i took from toronto to guelph to remind me. sure i didnt like get much from you back and thats kay different monetary situations and all and yeah. wild. oh but we still barely talk after? no its ok i get it youre not that good with texting people anymore (even if you kept texting you bff while i was there.... like. maybe he was having a crisis i can understand but... please you barely talk to me anymore and now amazingly im there and. you still talk to him a lot. okay...)  ‘ew were not dating were just best friends!” a month later becomes ‘this is my boyfriend and bff i love him more than anything else in the world” ‘oh but hes absolutely a huge mean prick who is super self centered and manipulative,’ and i guess you needed to feel needed like i did and dedicated everything to this shitstorm of a human but. okay... weve drifted apart further, till i demanded thru to your discord (not even active anywhere else) and try damn hard to still talk to you. but its just not genuine. i wanna talk abt important shit to me and worries about myself, but life is difficult on you and i dont feel like you do the same to me so i cant. is it no longer part of our relationship? i guess) 

anyway chapter; who the fuck cares; why i feel i can open up to internet friends more than irl ones;;coming up, the other irl exploits after 9th grade. 

internet friends are based on talking over text and emotions that come up in the moment and contacting them whenever. with irl people, ive always set a sort of boundary that like. our quota of talking is irl. i might message you online but its strictly related to irl things or smth we discussed irl, u feel? even then i mostly never message anyone (thank the two friends in uni ive talked to more than anyone else) but still. theyre people i will unload burdens to IRL when im sitting with them for hours talking about our fucked up relationships with things and life and thats beautiful. but its not consistent through life? like rn all this shit. i cant just go and vent tto you (i guess i could but who knows if youre mad busy and needa be up early tomorrow or are already sleeping or have other shit on your mind, let alone would be offednede by me being so explicit abt me feelings w friendship u being my friend.) anyway, internet friends have broken that and sometimes i talk abt dumb shit ive seen that remind me of them or i wanna get a reaction from someone about and sometimes this bullshit. but more recently, (my discord has fuckin 3 ppl) i cant. i mean. idk if ever could and now theyre just being better w themselves but i cant? Ana tries being a friend and a good online friend but. i cant take it any deeper than like, look how cool this is! yeah that is cool bc theyre exhausted and dont wanna deal w others bullshit and dont want me to deal with theirs bc theyre online to avoid it. all of which i understand but. its kind of hard to deal with. like. youre currently only passionate about your gays in southpark. two things i dont care bout jack shit (actually hate south park idec) and then your response to me just like contemplating quizzes or the way i felt in the mirror at ballet or like smth that comes up to me when im talking abt normal shit, i get an ok, i dk how to respond or, i dont really care. and wildly i love the honesty, and glad to have lines drawn for me when i dont see them, but it always feels like a smack in the face regardless. having stepped out of line and not having realised and stopped before they had to tell me to stop. like it was w that old neighbour bff. i could never tell when she wanted me to leave her alone or smth bc i was having fun! but shed be tired of it and it just. always hurt realising i was too wrapped up in emotion and myself to realise i was annoying or overstepping boundaries and im still terribly self concious about it bc i feel terrible being a bad person like that! i wanna be the perfect friend.ugh. 

the other people on my discord are maxx and the cool older canadian dan, who still is rly cool and admirable. and i feel bad. bc when i first got the dumb thing i talked to him like adults! yea! talked abt maxx and a bit of college and a bit of life and like. it was good! he said good night friend <3 which is like!!! the most wild and exciting thing it fuckin exhilirates me to be called friend in converstion like please fuck validate me being your friend!!!! (god isnt that sad and basically gonna sum up this whole thing) anyway recently im sure things have been sad or busy or hes just that kinda person but my last 4? attempts for convo have gotten no response, even when hes online (supposedly when its ok to message him) and i no longer want to say anything unless its smth im sure id get a response to. bc then im just buggering and annoying the poor guy and become annoying. (even if hes said he doesnt mind and thinks im a great person. i hope) and maxx u know. i can message, and i do, and now more than in a rly long time i- oh my god i get responses!! still they cut short. theres no, hey sorry i dont care or, hey i gotta go, or hey i dont wanna talk abt this, just. no more responses. and i guess my conversational skills are rusty and i havent written anything thatd get an easy response from them! (but stilll, should talking to friends rly require you to formulate conversation starters and talk in a way that doesnt provoke too much but is just easy enough for them to respond briefly and with no investment to make talking to me easy as possible? idk even iguess? maybe im shit at having friends and thats why i have none. shush.)

okay lets head back to irl. high school was shitty weird thing, around 10 ppl in class and i only made friends w 3? got bullied for a good couple days on a trip by 1 and another class person. terrible trying to make friends and keep friendly with everyone in a tiny school but i managed and alls good, and even still, just made friends with the most compatible people, not sure if id have been friends with otherwise. one a nervous wreck of a boy that the teacher tried to like ‘ship us together with’ but while he had a girlfriend and we managed to keep conversation joking and chill (as it should be and i made good sure of it) it was fine, he still like i a very girlfriend oriented person and i guess doesnt chat much online w other girls? im cool with it, a couple snap updates on life here an there its whatever. youre an anxious person anyway and we dont always like. work as friends. another was from japan, who id decieded to make a friend if only to have a friend in japan to visit and to teach me a bit (and teach us to make food! okay im so glad we were friends) and at school it was great enough. helped her get confident in speaking english and correcting work and sitting together at lunch and hanging out outside of school on the rare occasion schedules lined up was fab! i actually am gonna miss her. even if we werent close. and i feel bad bc idk if she wants to keep in contact, and i really suppose i should just aim to write her like a text once a month or so to keep in touch thatd be good, cover that. keep up english and so on. maybe (ps old friends from childhood pop up every now and then on social media and have the rare chat which is quite nice actually! even if im not active or keep them updated, some realtionships i like to leave lukewarm and not hateful but smth thats easy to catch up with if opportunity comes up. i actually can do that quite a lot, make good conversation and feel friendly and make acquaintances. i just. have no idea how to push them to proper active friendships (it just happens sometimes by accident) and no absolute clue how to make htat into a very close “bff we share everything i can message you whenever” kinda relationship classic media like facebook portrays idk. do i need it? i guess not but i kinda wanna know what thats like bc relationships are not a thing for me. lets make that its own paragraph) oh but also on old school friends my frustration of a few days, just. a friend that is the easiest to keep in touch with bc they intitiate and have time and want to do things, but god its annoying and i dont like them. our humours dont align and i feel judged and criticised and like. idk. dont feel great w them. theres moments of like genuine “im glad i met you bc i would have switched schools otherwise” from her and a jar of reminders why were friends and some good memories, but its just. she drains me. and i dont wanna talk deep w her. and though to some other friend it seems like we are heckin dating in secret bc of how comfortable we are and how much we end up communicating to organise things, uhm were not. i wouldnt date her ever im sorry. struggling to stay friends and have it fade to the background amicably before i do or say smth wrong and fuck it up. anyway its just bugging me and i hate it bc i feel bad for her and bad for myself and its just a mess that i dont wanna deal with that mucheven if i talked my parents ear off about it.

ok intermission to parents. in a way no. no fuck they are not my friends. my mom will never be my best friend and i dont think they want that either,being classic parents and allbut i guess, sometimes when i get past the ugh youll never understand youre so god damn annoying!! teenage phase my brain still has, i do talk to them about a lot of things that upset me, bc unlike friends, they cant decide not to care about me or stop talking to me u know. i have vented about shit practices that have really tested my self worth and lack of emotions (remind sobbing like a bitch with a mud covered ass walking home from a terrible skating practice and falling in the rain) and mom comforting thru it. mind telling them all the pent up feelings abt flatmates and analysing them to her like”well shes rly nice and we talk abt this and this but i cant help but feel she doesnt really wanna talk to me and also they didnt wanna hang out and they keep leaving their dishes and told me to clean mine but they did this and that and....” i never talk about internet friends or a lot abt other things bc. not relevant and i dont think id hear what i wanna hear. but im kinda glad i still can do that and vent to them abt like real life things and things that upset me even if its not exhaustive and i cant do everything and they dont fill the gap of this “true best friend” i have emulated. but thats a point of why im not rly lonely. bc i have outlets to a lot of these needs that im not missing it all . just dont have it all in one person or even a small group of ppl.

wht next. oh remind me to come back to group things online. anyway lets give uni a try. so weve talked abt my two impressive friends irl who take the same course as me and kind of have dragged me thru and have gone to hobbies w me and hung out w me for hours and actually come to visist me in london an been cool? yeah theyre pretty rad people and very smart and im glad theyre in my life. even if w al the ranting im not comfortable messaging them all hours of the night to talk abt all my insecuritites and thoughts and problems u know. and one is dating and both have flatmate drama and other groups of friends and tho theyre friends between each other we dont like. make the ultimate trio which is why were not moving in together ( also reminder to being called the 3 musketeers w my high school two gals bc we were seein kinda doing everything together (in school) by me sticking us all together with my “i need to feel validated with friends” glue. that was quite nice.) 

but like in uni, ive said it to a lot of people. its amazing. ive never been happier knowing this many people. i dont make drama, i almost never get included in any drama so all i get are friends!!! and having flatmates, and flatmates friends, and class mates, and people ive just met , and hobby friends i just knew so many people thatd be friendly to me and even smile at me in passing it feels great man. having multiple group hobbies and socials to go to (even if i dont drink much and its not like were partying) it feels good man. i want more of this next term now that i have no”i dont know anyone there” excuses. god i love it. i love waving to people i know, i love getting a ride from someone to go hang out t another friends place and people knowing me by name and caring about my presence! (though not too much, like nobody would miss me i guess, but i still have more of a place to carve and i cant say for sure that they did not notice me missing) anyway archery has been terrbily wholesome and one of the best things ive invested time into and im sad some of the happy faces there are leaving this summer....... and sure none of these friends have gone even to proper hugging levels, let alone talking together without a group of people or god, messaging privately if not strictly club stuff (ok theres like, a couple, one that im delighted about and cant wait to hang w in finland even tho theyre cooler than me)  but u know, same problem w. hm were friends within this hobby group. were not like. actually friends outside of this and wouldnt hang outside of it. uh. yeah. dont rly have that many that kinda friends..... just 2 in fact. ill work on that.... 

side note, i try joining in online groups like mxrp discords, and an odd skype chat for homestuck cosplayers. but its kinda the worst. i dont mind observing and reading in and commenting in my head and rarely actually participating tho nobody knows who i am, but like. nobody knows who i am or cares if im there at all. and its kind of a not great feeling. im not needed or wanted here. they just dont mind me being there u know. idk wht to do with those feelings. i dont really wanna make myself obnoxiously present and make people remember and want to talk to me and actually become immersed in it, bc these dont seem like that great people idk. i guess im too  ‘mature’ to just go omg i love you an all that. 

anyway lets dive into hmmmmmm  why am i still lonely? funny question eh. its because i have no consistent close relationships with anyone. have i ever? maxx was closest but i guess nawh here we are. i can get close to u in a night of just talking for hours but. if it doesnt carry through consistently does it count? i have a couple people to message when im delighted abt smth (heck even post to snapchat to get those lukewarm friendships to be reminded of me) and i have my parents to be sad to about a certain category of things that i share w them (like hobby frustrations and friends theyve met frustrations, and some body upset) i have this hunk of friends in uni i can hang out and chill with and will continue making better friends with gladly. im not an isolated herrmit (all the time) nor do i think im socially despicable. im just. normal. online ive felt more and more as much as i spend my entire day online w all these things im not an internet person??im not always posting on social media, im not always talking to 10 ppl at once, im not writing or creating media, im not consuming other than youtube actually, (like i dont watch shows u knw) , all i do is rp when i muster the strength and hang out lukewarm on tumblr posting rants and reblogging pretty and fun things, not getting involved much. not a fan of anything, not obsessed w anything, not overtly gay ( i dont even know what i am but girls are pretty and sex and relationships get gross as soon as you add me into the picture) and not an exciting personality. hell. i currently fuckin like ballet and archery and like. thats about it. (also hahahhahh catch me going down the abc list of hobbies, aikido, archery, badminton (w archery ppl) ballet. what next. cricket? crochet... cooking? dance (ballet) fencing gaming (hah no), hockey? ice skating ( im already doing it) like look at me anyway shh) im not trans and i dont feel gay enough to fit in (what a rant that is, but im just ignoring it for now) im so boring. too reational, too uninvolved, too unopinionated/have an opinion but prefer to keep quiet and at peace. i guess this is what normal people are like off the internet. and ill just deal with it. but how normal people fill the gap are these ridiculously idealistic bff groups that i clearly dunno how to achieve, and uh. relationships.

so i can foresee a future where an imaginative foggy figure will care about me so much and want to hear all these rants and talk about all my wild thoughts with me and love me and remind me of it and be happy around me and think im funny and make me feel good and loved and better than i am and be someone i love being aorund constantly and wont have to feel self concious with or like i need to be putting on the front that is not gross and is a lovely sociable person. like i doubt they even exist. the kind im specifically thinking off thatll make life a sunset gold and unbelievably happy and good. ill save that sunset gold feeling to my dream future, one in which im happy with my body and personality and have that shadowy figure that makes me all whole and better than im alone and all these pets and animals that i love and love me and plants and color and art and whimsical decorations and yknow. i see it in my head. it feels real good. i kinda wanna see if itll actually happen. it just. it feels so fuzzy and warm and i would love for that actually be real and look back on this and be like. i have it. everythings complete. we can dream. i might get it when im grey and old and all alone but found smth that makes it that good. anyway im not discounting that there might be ‘the one’ in that future, the perfect one. but. i still doubt in the present when or if ill ever meet them let alone if i do htat anything would happen. ive never ever dated anyone or even come close to it. i dont understand how people just, end up in relationships or almost always have one, and i guess im not trying to bc idk if i want it-  idk if im ready for it, but its a weird one ill tell u. i feel with this perfect imaginary figures all these bad feelings would go away and i could talk about them and someone help me fix them and become more and better than my thoughts. but i dont wanna look for one. i dont wanna experiment in relationships so that im ready and wont fuck it up when the one comes bc, its horrendous and stressful and im gross! im not dating material. nah. and obviously nobodys tried to date me so were all on the same page. honestly once i sort out the other things wrong w me, i might just get to therapy for this shit. like. why are relationships such a shit concept to me and like why and how do i deal with it without just saying fuck it relationshipss are not for me. i have no doubt ill keep making connections and friends throughout my life in all different random places, but im actually... kinda afraid none will stick around. if i cant form consistent strong friendships theyre al gonna fade away and ill have nobody when i need someone. having that one solid person would really help bc theyre there thick and thin i guess aparently. i have myself, but considering what a mess i am idk if thats enough at all. i think i should change myself an awful lot though before a relationship could happen. like. nobody wants a barely showering fat chubby in an awkwardway terrible skinned messy sad blabbery person. like. just a gross one. i gotta become so much better before i can even consider letting someone past to get this close i guess. i guess. these feelings are really not settling here and i feel off the rocker. like unsettled and uneasy. also i need to pee which is rly not helping feel less gross. that and my hair is nasty greasy bc rather than take a shower at a reasonable time i did.... nothing. and then i started writing this an hour, two hours ago? more? idk. 

kay then, we have reflected briefly while i was away on how fat and ugly i am and how hopeless considering ive been trying to finish a knitting project for my baby cousin and start drawing again or even just playing my old pokemon game (yknow summer vacay) things in the past few days. nawh. havent. even more productively i should have done actual exercise to build my stamina and make faster improvements in ballet and actually try and tackle the fat and ugly feeling in 8 weeks (but that like... requires diet control... which is hard?) and like o u know. finishing my fucking university course ive lied to everyone abt? ok lets be real i have passed the year and can move into the next w the credits i have and passed all the mandatory classes. but. i want/ need to pass this class. and i already forked out 30 pounds hopefully correctly to apply for a resubmission (more like first submission) of all these projects and its hard. considering in my hirearchy of shit that needs to be done (easiest most necessary first)  i havent even reached the first ladder of like washing my nasty hair. the ladder includes all the above projects and at the end of it is like completing that course (needs to be done by the end of the month u kno bitchh. u dont know how long its gonna take you cannot leave it to the last few days. and this other bulshit course idk if ill even get credit for completing late and dont know if i care but i guess i gotta do it anyway 

basically i just wanna d ie. thatd be nice. id not have to feel fat and stupid and worthless and discomfrot in my own skin and just. nasty and numb but bad all over. okay im really not feeling great bout now. but thanks to all the above weve realised i have nobody to talk to whod talk me out of these feelings and comfort me (let alone if im capable as a person to accept that considering theyd have to be very convicing to get past me going “mhmmm but youre wrong” ) 

anyway this has been terribland i havent achieved anything but feelin kinda bad. we have covered that ive never had proper friendships and that might be detrimental to me ever forming the kind of close companionship i seem to be missing, however at least i can make easy friends briefly and as such know im not a terrible person thru and thru that people hate. i just dont know how to cross that nd not be horribly annoying or how to find those kind of people bc shit and bullshit. do i need it? no i guess ill be fine. would it make my life better and more worth it? probably. id hope so. i mean it seems pretty important in human existence for there to be so damn many songs and movies and aboslutely everything focused around it. 

anyway. i know nobodys gonna finish reading this and i kinda hope i dont read back on this either. my cringey diary moments hidden under a readmore on tumblr. whats sadder.... tsk who wants to figure out how many words this all is? 

mhmmmm mmm 7 pages on word and 6059 words. damn gurl. no FUCKIN WONDer nobody wants to talk to me about my thoughts and feelings when they just erupt. bc even by erupt i mean a mild discomfort that im trying to pin down to a cause and an actual feeling so and so unsuccessfully.