#oh also someone else stopped me to say
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took sivi to the outlet mall today and i’m remembering why i don’t take him out much (borky boy); but my main point is that he got cooed over and admired every ten steps and as we were leaving two older women stopped us to ask about him. they were obsessed. sivi looked up at me like, “what’s the holdup??” and they just lost it. “oh he adores you,” one of them crooned. yes, he does, but right now he’s pissed that i’m talking to you and would like to get a move on.
#sivi#6 years#every time we go out#someone comments on how much he loves me#but he just has a very ingrained Watch Me command which he uses whenever he wants things#he does adore me and i him#but that’s not what’s happening here lmao#oh also someone else stopped me to say#THAT IS THE BEST DOG I HAVE EVER SEEN#lmao
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Being a decent human being isn’t inherently any faith. It’s being, and get this, a decent human being.
#culturally Christian#fuck religion#fuck mass organised religion#everything else is fine#I don’t care#but stop saying someone is a certain faith when they have certain beliefs#only that person can say that they’re a faith#also fuck anyone who uses the term culture Christian to avoid consequences#oh I’m sorry that I care about the environment Karen keep calling me culturally Christian and see if it changes why fucking don’t you
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[SH SCARS]
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"you cant just make all your favorite characters a million minorities its not time period accura-" MR ELECTRIC SEND THEM TO THE AUTISM FACTORY AND HAVE HIM SNOWFLAKED!!!!!
#YOU CANT STOP ME#my headcanons for sock :D#and the best part is that he canonically is well liked in his town meaning hes not bullied and nobody bothers him#how i wish the world was like that#i gave him scars because he likes to kill#and he would probably like to look at the blood going down#i know he doesn't have the texas accent BUT my friend is from texas and she doesn't have one either so#i say hes like that#normal passing#sock#sock sowachowski#napoleon maxwell sowachowski#gotta get his full legal name in there#welcome to hell#w2h#w2h sock#sock w2h#also i REFUSE to believe that jonathan has BLUE EYES#unholy beast#im giving him brown eyes#sock can have his green though because hes already a demon (even before he died#he was a ginger)#i gave him more demon features too :3#sock they could never make me hate you#my art#tw sh implied#tw sh related#tw scars#tw sh#also he has rainbow painted sharp nails (someone else on the tag drew him with it and its so accurate oh my god)
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i made a few mistakes in this but u have to forgive me bc theyre not my ocs
(these are mippy (it/its) and nidus (he/him plural), belonging to @doodlerh!!!!)(i hope it's okay for me to draw fanart of them)
#writing the image description for this kinda baffled me but i think its okay??#maybe#anyway these sillies have had me in a chokehold since i saw them so i decided to draw them#also medibang isnt actually as bad as i thought it would be#one might even say that it is good#uhhhh anyway how do i tag this ive never fanarted someone elses oc before#artists on tumblr#digital art#not my oc#nidus#mippy#oc fanart#oc art#oh my god those stupid cows finally stopped mooing#genuinely they have been mooing outside my window LITERALLY NONSTOP for about 4 hours#like. i love cows but. not after the 432nd moo. thank you#okay im gonna post this now
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i think i need to do something for my friend
#i'll bake cookies and go over to his house#i can do that at least#if he doesn't want to see me he can at least have some cookies#god what would i even say though#''i miss you i haven't stopped thinking about how much i miss you from the moment you stopped replying.#you have been this near constant presence in my life for over two years and you're one of my best friends.#i think i miss you more than i thought it was possible to miss someone. i know you're going through something difficult#but i would really really hate to lose you. you're more special to me than you know.''#''oh and also here are some cookies sorry about spontaneously coming over to your house i know this is a nightmare of yours!''#i just don't know what else to do!!! and i don't think he'll come back#and i've been trying to think about like. if someone did that for me. how would i feel#i can't even comprehend it you know?#because who *would* do that? i don't know.#i didn't even think i would. but i think i need to.#god this feels like the worst romance movie ever except there's no romance and we're both deeply sad#and unmotivated#and you dear reader are the audience#i miss him. so much. i want to talk to him again.#persimmon's rambles
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men are so disappointing in so many ways i know i shouldn't expect most of them to be dignified humans but it's crazy. i need to get over this guy he's making my sense of self crumble even faster than it usually does. like he's just so unlike my usual type and i'm pretty convinced he's stupid and slutty and not discerning whatsoever. not to mention boring like i know even if i did have a chance with him he wouldn't Get Me at all so it's a bigger waste of time that usual and i'm actually pretty tired of men in general and definitely tired of parasocial relationships because they drive me insane for months typically. thankfully it's only been like 2 weeks if that at this point. idk. sigh. i know literally virtually nothing abt him as a person and ofc liking any public figure who you know nothing about is only setting yourself for heartbreak and disappointment to begin with bc you already know nothing is gonna come from it but. in a way it's almost addictive to become obsessed with someone and not be looked at with the same level of scrutiny. i don't think anyone in real life would ever try to get to know me as much as i try to get to know people who i'll never even meet. lmao! but that's the thing... idk... i have a lot of love in my heart and it consumes me and i reject my pride usually when i'm into someone. i want to know more... like VORACIOUSLY consuming anything with information about them involved simply because i think knowing someone is a very deep form of love but of course you can never truly know anyone. not completely. and that scares me i think which is why it's always probably been easier for me to never really TRY to be with anyone or have anything real. idk. this turned into me psychoanalyzing myself real quick but SOMEONE needs to bc i need to understand what the fuck is wrong w me.
#like i'm not gonna lie and say i do this every time i'm even vaguely interested in someone. most of the time i'm just like 'ooo hottie'#and then save a bunch of pics before either the shame gets to me or i just stop caring and move on. happens quite a bit more than my#obsessive episodes. the worst one was absolutely the fact that i was obsessed with jeremy for basically 3 years and spent two hating him#simply because i thought i was owed anything. honestly i think i was just very very insanely depressed. that's probably why those#obsessive periods even happen to begin with because i have felt so so horrible like soul ripped out horrible the past few weeks lmao#and i think i'm just a grasp for any light in the dark type person like it doesn't even necessarily mean anything the person is just someon#i attach significance to them when i do this shit but i know deep down that i'm owed nothing and that i truly expect nothing#it's just nice to have a distraction from my life. and dgmw that doesn't make me any less schizo about certain details and happenings#like i'll still think that 'oh they're only doing that because i'm into them' or 'they only went here because it was related to something i#was thinking about earlier' and whatever else. i know what i am. i don't claim to be anything else. and i know it puts people off.#and that i'm not likely to get any better if i keep doing it. if it's even possible for me to get better. but idk. it's interesting bc i've#thought more about what my life means to me and the kind of person i am and how my brain works and how everything affects me#more in the past few weeks than i seem to have in the last 5 years. i think i'm really getting better at accepting hard truths.#time spent by yourself is still time spent with the world.... and the more i think... even if it's hurtful... i'm growing and changing all#the time. i don't think if this was 4 years ago i would've even acknowledged the fact that i can't write off on This Guy's zionism#and other things about him that give me the ick (hate that phrase but whtevr) like him playing that gay hogwarts game and being a nepo baby#like bro you have trans friends and supposedly always 'look out for the small guy'. he's also never dated a fat girl despite his mom being#kind of a trailblazer for fat women in the entertainment industry. there's always rumors of him dating literally ever costar he's ever#worked with i guess simply because he seems like that kind of guy. and to be fair he does LMAO#honestly i don't know if i believe he's a bad person but i won't sign off on a guy i like being boring and stupid. that's just me#i'm sure ppl reading this who also don't Get Me are wondering why any of this even matters and the point is that it kind of doesn't lmao#but it's my life and i typically choose to care about people who will never even know i exist. unpopular girl instinct i suppose. maybe i'm#destined to be unloved or something but for now i wear fantasies like a blanket. maybe one day i won't need them anymore. but i def#do not need to center my romantic ideals on a guy i would be embarrassed to tell people i'm dating if i were actually dating him. rough#now just give me a month to get over it and finish the 2nd season of a show i like that he's in and i'll be rid of it hopefully. we'll see
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What Deacon thinks: what did that mean? did he want me to wear a collar too? why else would he mention my neck? i mean, if he /asked/ me i would wear one but he didn't so would wearing one be weird?
What Ymber meant: It's nice to be near someone who isn't tethered to this world to serve it with a physical reminder for all to see.
#my characters#this just in ! thats why all the deities in the plot have collars and a chain !#its because THATS THEIR DESIGNATED I AM HERE TO HELP THIS WORLD SYMBOL#they cant remove their collars and thats fine by them - its a constant reminder that they exist to serve#deacon really shouldnt get as much crap as he gets in canon for being weird cause the deities are just a different brand of weird#like its not deacons fault that apparently you can say nice neck with no underlying desire#but he cant say hi would you please possess me i want to know what its like to have someone else in my body#like thats really not something you should pin on deacon YET EVERY deity is like wow what a lil weirdo#he also just really wants to please ymber so if ymber asked he would definitely do whatever#on the flip side i need to point out that deacon very specifically doesnt ask ymber for things nor does he pray for things#and it drives ymber up a wall because this is his favorite human who wont ask for anything and he isnt a psychic#he doesnt know what deacon wants or needs and its infuriating cause he exists to serve humanity#and yet this ONE GUY wont let him do things for him#this is very important and i cant believe i mentioned it like a month ago to someone and today#i received gift art of these two and i may never recover#its so perfect and its ymber just looming over deacon telling him that he can pray about anything to him#its also worth pointing out that when i was telling the person about the whole ymber begging for a prayer#its because he realizes that after all this time hes never had a single prayer from deacon - not before nor after the hire#so hes like oh well thats odd hmm#and then begins to talk to deacon like you know people pray to me for lots of things#and deacon looks at him unsure of what this is leading to - did someone offer a weird prayer? ask a weird thing? whatst?#and no - its just ymber saying that people will pray for wealth or an item#or they will express frustration if something is lost or broken despite it not being ymbers fault so deacon just stares#he has no idea what this is going to end on really so he points out 'well you do like to think you break people'#and ymber just ASDFASDFSADF STOP OK NEXT POINT people pray to me to bless relationships with happiness#and thats fascinating so deacon is like wow can you actually do that?#and ymber is so stressed as hes like i mean kinda i can simply amplify the positive emotions in gestures#like if someone gives an item out of love then its blessed#he also admits that he cant mask insincerity or malice so those feelings are not hidden nor amplified#and deacon just is impressed bc that is actually VERY cool
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How dare you 😡
Exer is pointy
Not NO.
It's yes, stars.
Get it right
;)
british scum
#/hj#exer being pointy is my only weakness#also i assume a lobotomy#oh yeah i forgot to tell people so ill js say in the comments#so like#at school last week#my class was taking a walk#and i was w my friend#and we were farrrrr behind so we ran#and then we stopped bc we had cramps#and she was like “my side aches so much” and i pretended to punch it#and she was like “actually punch it”#and i did#HOLY ME#IT HURT SO SO SO BAD#i actually broke one of my fingers bc of it#turns out#she has scoliosis#and she was wearing this brace#to help fix her back???#idk#anyways i am a damaged person#send help before i punch someone elses back brace or fake leg or glass eye or whatever#once i got hit by a car#AND#ON A DIFFERENT OCCASION#A SQUIRREL CHASED ME FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES AFTER I CALLED IT BABYGIRL#THAT WASNT EVEN THE FIRST TIME#once i called one “radical jim” and he chased me for a few minutes#jackson's diary
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Honestly, having multiple older customers at my job encourage me to vote by telling me that "it's between freedom (trump) or socialism (harris)" or some other "vote trump" talking point has genuinely encouraged me to vote far more than any "vote blue" posts on this hellsite ever have. Like fuck yeah I'll vote for socialism cheers comrade
#simon says#obviously harris is not a socialist in any sense of the term#but old republicans think anything left of republican is socialism so it's really funny#like bb i dont think you know what socialism is#it has happened MULTIPLE times now#where someone gives me an passionate speech to vote for trump specifically while im working#and it just makes me very spiteful#i cannot understate just how much I HATE vote blue posts#everything about them is just annoying condescending mean and sometimes genuinely uninformed and often times very uncritical#every time I see a vote blue post it pushes me ever so further to voting 3rd party#but when a customer stops the conversation about cat products to evangelize about voting republican?#oh that will convince me more than anything else to vote bc they make it WAY more appealing#like they're genuinely nice and encouraging despite the bad political takes so it makes me feel good about voting#but they're also trying to get me to vote republican so hard that they end up making the other side look better than they are#idk it's hard to put into words
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Man I wonder where the leader of the fear realm could've gone, it's alMOST LIKE NEVIN HAS AN
#had to re-edit the image real quick because the original edit was from a post I made about Drew years ago#and while the Drew thing is becoming less and less likely. Nevin havinv one has basically been canon since#someone mentioned Greg's (was it Britney's) aura being familiar in s2ch1. ive been putting together a list of every line#that points to Nevin's aura throughout the whole thing (most from s2ch1 but then s2ch10 came out and it was really canon at that point)#but clearly i'm running out of time to say ''i fucking called it'' before it's explicitly stated and i dont want to be in another situation#where somebody else will beat me to a theory and me posting anything about it will seem like copying them. sorry about that btw i had#thought i had already mentioned theorizing that nevin was possessed by a demon in that old theory i made but i had forgotten that one was#super old and was about sigma. so no copying there i just got extremely paranoid there was a mention of a cult and i was like ''nuh uh#that's way too specific and out there of a detail to end up in both our theories'' and i forgot the rest of my super old post was outdated#as hell. and echos had gone ''yeah they're so similar!'' and i took their word for it but now i'm realizing they were probably just trying#to be supportive. so yeah no copying there i was just beaten to the punch of saying something. but i will NOT back down from the aura shit#because i have been calling that shit FROM THE START or at least since i started reading ibvs back when ch20 came out.#also not backing down from saying chris was the worse friend because these past few chapters are the first time isaac has done anything tha#could knowingly upset chris meanwhile chris has. let edward drag isaac to the lair after isaac said edward would beat him up. chose not to#believe edward was holding the secrets over their heads because 'it was something isaac had said' and then immediately distrusted edward in#the next chapter because a random person he didn't know said to steal a book (might i mention how that entire scene proves chris' lack of#development and refusal to take responsibility because it perfectly alludes to when chris had brought those fireworks into his old school#and makes me wonder if charlie has actually gotten him in trouble with his past schools or if he's still just not taking responsibility#and if him following nevin to the woods to test out their powers is an extension of ''if something bad happens its not my fault''#like seriously this man would bring a mysterious suitcase onto a plane if he's told to). uh what was i talking about agai#anyway on a related note my mental state has only gotten worse since i left tumblr and the habit of thinking about chris instead of sleepin#or doing schoolwork has not stopped. so i was still failing for a while and might graduate now but am still staying away from tumblr.#so yeah this was a little update and im not going to linger this time im just going to leave tumblr again right after hitting post#addendum because i just can't let things go. and was thinking about chris again. i don't think his lack of development is because of bad#writing (anymore. i used to.). instead i'm certain his character arc is going to continue into him following someone (nevin probably) into#doing something really bad. and then he'll finally get actual consequences and go 'oh shit i fucked up real bad this time'#if you think that theory is reaching too far into the future you should hear mine about isaac dying at the end lmao
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two hrs until arle animated trailer save me
#WHO IS THAT GIRL#ramblings!#if she turns out to be a normal human and actually arles sad over her death and its just oh no sob story backstory#then i will not know how to feel#tbh that's also kind of scara's backstory and his ends in anger and fire so maybe there's hope#i also NEED someone else other than ashi.kai to start making arle theories god. i dont want to keep watching and not liking her vids#also besides all of this i know everyone's like boohoo other x.iao ships are suffering but i just find it extremely funny that x/traveler i#becoming ''''more'''''' canon by the day. his birthday mail this year is so egregious#waiting patiently for my dream solvent bc apep is giving me Shit Drops for neuv#also the desc for dream solvents is like. dreams used to have material form. if u wake up clutching a flower after dreaming of heaven#the flower was made from the dream. and then x fucking sends us a dream solvent?#my guy. what are you trying to say.#anyways. highly entertaining i think it's fun. will not stop me from shipping other ships but this casual slowburn is fun
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akdbdndjshdf
#feel fucking crazy sometimes ugh ik rn it’s partially bc im kinda tired and i haven’t eaten#but like i do kinda wanna cry bc my friends be planning smth without me LMFAOOOOOOOOOO#it sounds so dumb :| ik it’s not tho lmfaobscbdbdndndkkdksjdhekws#i honestly just need to stop thinking and eat smth or just go to sleep bc i rly don’t feel like#making food rn lmao but#idk i like writing out my thoughts here sometimes so i think imma do that ;-;#bc like my two friends who i’ve been seeing nonstop lately mentioned getting pho w a group#and i def think i said i wanted to join#but they all like were talking abt it today and i think they started a gc to plan it and they do actually have plans#but idk shit abt it#and ik if i asked they would say i can join#but goddammit i could not bring myself to ask today#and honestly even thinking abt needing to ask makes me kinda want to cry#BRUH i wish i was over friendship exclusion bullshit#it’s this one fucking friend in middle school who made me sob a million fucking times#bc she straight up ignored me when we were w other friends#and my friends rn don’t do that#but idk being left out of this gc has made me insane ig 😀😀😀#they can’t even all fit in her car……..#idk like they also never said anything directly to me abt it even tho they were talking abt it in my vicinity#they asked someone else if she wanted to go ;-; like kinda absently but still#i hate that im complaining abt this i hate that i feel fucking crazy complaining abt this#like i can totally see a world where i just fucking ASK and my roommates like oh shit ur not in the group i didn’t realize#but also i could be deluding myself#its literally. not that deep im seeing the two of them tmrw and i can ask when im not out of my mind#ugh fucking fuck sometimes i hate relationships#but ik to some extent that these ppl like spending time w me even if its hard to believe sometimes like rn ig#but to think i have to start all over in a few months and find those ppl again#💀💀💀💀💀🫠🫠🫠🫠🫠🫠🫠#anyway i’m fine i need to chill and do something productive 😭😭😭😭😭
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going hey now what in the at this compressed playlist thumbnail like i Have seen this waitress promo image & the krampus is there fr
#i would not be surprised to find out she has baked in a professional capacity....she has that warmth#surprised anytime i've ever heard of anything like knowing vaguely abt waitress is one thing but then like & that pic i've seen? wadda#actually that otherwise my direct waitress exposure was that curtain call video from bway (re)opening? like show me nik dodani then#going like stop showing me whoever this is (sara bareilles) zoom out or look Over at our guy whose name they forgot to say? funny guy life#that livestream interview where they baked during it & he left in the middle to go get butter lmao. i forget Everything Else but hey#like idk who anyone is or what any shows are or who's been in them but then the [everyone's all over the place. but also not] happening#just a relief if you're not jumpscared by someone having been in billions. who was i looking up w/Surprise Production Pic like noooo#the end of that interview w/joe iconis where it was like Emojis Representing Shows (already difficult) but then no pressure like these are#shows any of your frequenters & accomplices have been in. & then when joe was like ''who do i know who was in that'' & it was aj shively#i was like Banana Kevin. is my reference there lmao. so often like my grasp of an iconis person is centrally some/an Xmas Xtrav role fr#& then from there like ah yes from my youtube cabaret videos. fighting to look up the other day like oh this specific show will mentions#in a deh vid; only i only found stuff abt a whole other production....guess Undergrad Work On (Others') New Musicals is bound to be so#early development that you're not liable to have coverage / documentation. & now to Really bring this around to a tangential close#just kicking my legs like how much do we owe john simpkins o7
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It is because these people are stupid. Hope this helps.
#like. I don't know what to tell you. most people who commit murder are not Super Genius Criminal Masterminds#if your priority is killing someone and not anything else you don't make a flashy spectacle of it???? most people who do shit like this#want attention. it's not about some moral obligation they want attention. and when people prioritize Getting Attention. they do some#pretty contradictory and myopic things. have you ever observed a human. jfc y'all are not serious people#current events#tw: guns#okay sorry I'M SORRY. I'll stop talking about this. I just feel like I'm going insane#worshiping this guy is NOT it#y'all are going to drive me to substance abuse is2g#In the Vents#also.#if you are a feminist. then you should be against this. hold on let me explain before you go 'how are those even related you're deranged'#violent men are typically the ones more likely to hate women and abuse their partners because of it. and spousal homicide is going to#be a LOT harder to do if no one has access to guns. if you say 'oh there's an acceptable situation where you can point blank shoot someone#because they're a loathsome enough person' then. these people are going to take away the message that if their girlfriend/wife/female#relative/partner/etc. is 'bad' enough. is making their lives difficult enough. then it is acceptable to murder them. if you say 'there is#an acceptable circumstance for this' then EVERYONE WILL THINK THAT *THEY* HAVE THE ACCEPTABLE CIRCUMSTANCE#holding up guns as the solution to your problems IS ONLY GOING TO END WITH MORE WOMEN MORE KIDS AND MORE MINORITIES DEAD#and if you think that's an acceptable sacrifice because someone you hate might die. then I think maybe you shouldn't be talking to me.#like I said. I'm not going to be patient anymore. this is non-negotiable for me. if you're valorizing this guy and the culture of#gun violence that made his actions possible then get out I don't want to talk to you.#oh also once again: if your takeaway from this is that I'm somehow defending the CEO and you come on my post to say that I'm putting#you on blast so everyone can point and laugh at you for your lack of reading comprehension. again hope this helps :)
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any hopes for kiwami 3? like things u wanna see added or changed stuff like that
if they dont keep kiryu's goofy walk stance and the hoof-like walk sounds i dont wanna play it
#snap chats#no one understands how much i love that from y3 and y4 its genuinely one of my favorite things about the game#oh but i guess i have to give an actual answer now. HMPH.#id scream if they revived kanda calling mine limp wristed. homophobia in 4k#OK BUT TO BE SERIOUS uhhhh i dont know. im a real simple guy i think#my only like. If This Isnt There Im Leaving deal is mine's palette and im so serious#rgg's scaring me with all the black-hair/purple-suit mine stuff as of late and i cant stress how hard ill vomit if thats in the final#HYPOTHETICAL final anyways. yk3 isnt coming out for. IDK A WHILE#i wanna say i hope they highlight daigo and mine's relationship more but i dont know how theyd do that#i really like how mine's handled in y3 as is so i dont think i want scenes injected like what they did with yk1 and nishiki#someone said a Mine Saga after the game and... hm ... sounds too unrealistic for me to hope for it#like im REALLY trying to think how they could possibly reference the rggo stories in y3 since those are EXCELLENT but#i think . MAYBE. you could reference the story where richardson calls mine as he's driving to the hospital#the only thing you'd have to exclude though is mine stopping by the bar- like JUST keep the phone conversation maybe#cause in that scene that subordinate does question mine if he can really kill daigo and i think thatd be neat. in my opinion.#yeah i dont know. in regards to rggo its hard to think of what i want without intervening things i already like about y3#its a real head scratcher ...#a really good epilogue addition would be adapting that RGGO bit where daigo ruminates on mine. that's a fair ending for him i think#it also fulfills the need to see how daigo saw mine even if its just a little#and to non-rggo readers it could start to answer 'how does daigo feel about everything that happened'#im still so curious as to if daigo was briefed on EVERYTHING that happened but .... anyways....#sorry all my hopes for y3 are just mine/minedai centric fLVKELKA BUT LIKE. i really am content with everything else with y3 surprisingly#idk. i want kiryu fucking up that curry in high definition tho. thats important to me#THEY HAVE TO KEEP THE QTES DURING THE RICHARDSON FIGHT ILL BE PISSED#i need the fight to be AS CAMPY and unnecessary as it was in the og. INCLUDING richardson's voice acting i need it wack as hell#is it weird i actually appreciate the Diet Building Loredumping being like. in replayable-cutscene form#i thought id prefer just One Long cutscene but im glad theres the option to skip those segments#BUT being able to get a refresher in case you missed something somehow#im running out of tags jesus christ i shouldve put this in the main text but vjALjlagj those are all my thoughts for now bYE
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why won't my brain shut up why won't my brain shut up why won't my brain shut up why won't my brain shut up
#i'm overthinking something that i did and was told off for doing by my director#and on my way home i was thinking when was the last time i was even talked to like that during a production#and then i remembered the costume experience from hell of only a couple months ago that i've already began blocking out#but the thing is that that person was someone i knew i'd never have to work with again#i mean at first i thought i would have to work with them more. then they announced they were moving away immediately#so i only had to deal with them face to face for another weekish after that point and anytime they yelled at me#i was like 'cool. i'll do exactly what you say to do. and nothing more.' but then of course me being me#i did some extra stuff and they initially were like 'oh that's pretty' and then days later told me to cut everything i added#and like sure i get that the show was frozen but girl. that costume was unfinished. i was trying to finish it. it was frozen but looked bad#anyway. whenever they yelled at me and had actual malice in their heart i was like whatever. i was hurt. but i didn't care as much.#but this time it's someone i've worked with many many times before and it was about a habit i have that i know isn't great#but at the same time the thing that prompted it wasn't even me doing this habit it was something else#but she interpreted it as that habit and said that i can't do that on a production she's directing#and that if i couldn't stop then i could pull out from the production and there'd be no hard feelings between us#and honestly i think her reassuring that she knows i'm valuable and that she wants me there while also telling me not to do this thing#and the fact that she's someone i like working with and will continue to work with just made it all hurt so much more#especially since she referenced another past production we've done where i didn't even realize she had noticed that i do this.#and i found myself in near tears. and still am kind of in near tears. i can't decide if i need to cry or not.#and i had NO sleep last night so i was looking forward to sleeping tonight but now i'm just overthinking EVERYTHING#and like. i know everything will be fine. if i just stop inserting myself and stick to just my specific tasks. it'll be fine.#but this is one of the ways my ocd manifests. i feel like i have to personally fix something i notice going wrong. or it'll be bad.#because every single time i choose to sit back and not be nosy when i notice something it ends up bad in a way i could have prevented#if i just inserted myself in a situation i technically wasn't part of but knew i could help or fix. so i just need to not do that.#but then i feel guilt if it does go wrong in the ways i immediately assumed it would and in a way i could prevent.#and i've been trying to work on this for like 6 months and aaaahhhh it's hard and being called out on it from her just really really hurt#i still may or may not cry. i don't know. the irony of me telling my therapist THIS MORNING that it's been a while since i last cried.#and the universe being like 'i took that as a challenge' and handing me this situation for me to spiral over.#i need to leave things alone. i need to stare straight ahead. and ignore whatever isn't specifically for me to do. but ahhh i want to help#and then of course my mom has this same habit and it annoys me when she does it yet i do it to other people and ahhhhhhhh#brain please just shut up. i need to sleep. i have to work tomorrow.
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