#now they about to get me through uni
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personally if a fic is Mordern Setting it has to be really good cause god damn I'm delusional and these little fantasy worlds are whats keeping me going
#i need my delusions okay they got me through highschool and college#now they about to get me through uni#fanfic#fanfiction#ao3#cretin screeches put it down
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thinking about andrew minyard, a criminal justice student, sitting in some of his lectures as if he can't perfectly recall all the worst times of his life
#i could think about this for hours and get so incredibly sad about it actually#sorry guys i'm going through my uni work on my computer and aftg is the only thing i'm thinking about#also 2nd year me your essays were shit why didn't you expand on anything come on now#andrew minyard#aftg#all for the game#the foxhole court#the raven king#the kings men#tfc#trk#tkm
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What do you think as Hermione's career would be post battle of Hogwarts? To me her being minister for magic really doesn't make sense. She does not have patience or tact to wade through murky waters of politics 😭😭
So hard to say! The Trio are so, so young when we leave them, I find it almost impossible to project their futures farther than a few years out. The job that suited me at 17 would be radically unsuited to me now. That's why of all the Trio, Ron's ending strikes me as the most realistic — he jumps straight into the save-the-world business again, burns out, realizes he's actually Done The Fuck Enough, Thanks, and pivots into a low-stress career where he gets to see his family a lot. Feels accurate! The others are weirder to me because they do seem to just... pick a lane and stay there.
With Hermione, you could spin her a couple ways. You could say that she leans into her bookish side and does research or teaching, which is not my preference for a couple reasons (namely, I don't think Hermione would like academia as a profession; she finds her classwork interesting and enjoys intellectual validation, but she'd be stifled and wasted in a DPhil program, and she'd be infuriated by the administrative politicking of your average higher-ed faculty). You could say that she gets disaffected with politics and ends up as a barrister or a lobbyist of some kind, but if anything that requires more political finesse, because you don't actually have institutional power, you're just handling the people who make decisions and trying to persuade them of your goals. This is not Hermione's preferred method of influence. She's not even particularly good at persuasion, she just happens to be smart enough (and right often enough) that people take her ideas seriously.
Or you could say her brashness fades with the years into a softened flavor of tell-you-like-it-is honesty, which some politicians actually do successfully trade on; as we see in British politics today, you don't have to be all that charming or clever to get ahead, you just need to be really driven and well-connected (which Hermione completely is; she fought shoulder-to-shoulder with the first postwar Minister and her bestie, the Literal Messiah, runs the Auror Office.) But I don't know if Hermione especially wants to be Minister, after the war. She's just watched years of horrendous bureaucratic incompetence plunge the country into a violent civil conflict. She's had not one, but two Ministers of Magic try to bully or shame her friends into complicity with fascism. Her view of government is... likely extremely dark.
But Hermione also isn't the kind of person who sees her life as a quest for happiness. Babygirl has a savior complex that makes Harry look selfish. (She basically kills her parents — yeah, obliviating is a form of murder, #changemymind — "for their own good," and justifies every batshit, vindictive, mean-spirited move she ever pulls on the grounds that it "helps" one of her friends.) She is a mean, lean, dragon-slaying machine, and she needs a dragon. After Voldemort, the Ministry is the no. 1 threat to muggle-borns and non-wizarding Beings. As a war heroine with basically infinite political capital, I'd be surprised if she didn't try to do something there. That said, Hermione is so vivacious and dynamic that she could potentially grow in a hundred different directions; it's possible that all of this, while true of her at 18, becomes completely inaccurate by 22. That's why I'm not too fussed about any particular fanon interpretation.
#greenteacup asks#sidebar: I know Minister “of” Magic is an Americanism but mea culpa#Someday I might actually bite it and pay someone to britpick Lionheart but I can't do it now#because I have a ban on editing published fic unless it's finished. Otherwise I'll never get around to writing the actual ending#I have a Process#is it the best process? likely not! but it makes the words go. so here we are.#I also think the fact that JKR is Gen X makes a difference here. careers worked differently in the 80s and 90s than they do now#i.e. we have the gig economy and a lot more mobility and EXPECTATION of mobility in your early life#that means career changes & professional pivots through your 20s and 30s are increasingly normal#and in fact have always been normal — but the image of the 'true' or 'ideal' career has changed#so we look at those careers and go hm. really? none of them changed?#none of them even went to uni? do wizards... just not?#but again. I believe the epilogue was written almost completely without consideration as to what happened between the BOH and then#I really believe that JKR did not know what happened to Harry except a wedding and 3 kids. because that was the whole point#I don't think she even knew what his career was when she wrote that scene#It existed to marry everyone off and do a quick munchkin headcount#because of the understandable temptation as an author to keep your hand on the wheel. but it didn't even matter!#the epilogue changed NOTHING! it was the most useless chapter in the series! I just — GOD#you can absolutely accuse me of being sour grapes about my ships getting nixed. I AM sour grapes. I AM a hater.#AND I have plot/theme/craft reasons for disliking it.#I'm not objective. I just want credit for being a sophisticated hater. my grapes may be sour but they're still artisinal.
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#probably my last sunny walk at home :(#keeeeellll meeeee#i think one of the things i hate about going back to uni is not being able to experience autumn and winter at home like i used to#it’s weird because i’ve always loved them and considered them my favourite seasons.#but last year (and now this year) i’m realizing that oh! i think it’s because i got to come home after a long day and be in a safe familiar#space. and at uni everything is still a bit unfamiliar and not very comforting so the long cold days get so much harder#but i will surviveeeeeee#counting on gilmore girls to get me through it!! and also love is blind s7. i LOVE having things to look forward to every week it makes tim#fly by so fast. last yr every friday night was reserved for me and i ate frozen pizza or takeout and/or my favourite snacks and#watch my comfort films :( i cooked a lot those nights too 2 save money but yeah. it was rlly nice to have that comfy safe time to myself#i think it rlly got me thru uni.#ik it’s gonna be so hard to get back into a routine but im trying to tell myself that i need to like. focus on the basics first. adulting#can be so hard & i wanna do everything at once! i wanna b perfect in all areas. always do my hobbies. etc etc but i#i couldnt even get out of bed to make myself meals sometimes 💔 so i need to like remember if i don’t journal or read a whole book in a day#not the end of the world. and most importantly i need to be EATING and staying active and SLEEPING FIRST and foremost cause then hopefully#i won’t feel like a zombie.#okay anyways.#feeling sad feeling tired feeling unmotivated but also feeling a teensy bit excited for finally BEING ALONE!!!!#i have my cardiologist appt tmrw so maybe that’s why i feel so yuck also. just thinking abt it makes me wanna throw up#i hope everything goes well#anyways bye bye#♡ dear diary…
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idk how to live so im going to talk to myself out loud until i do
#listen. take a deep breath. i know your bpm is high but you need to think with me for a second.#remember that you are paper thin. all your facets are sheets of paper and what you gave her is just another one.#make a new one. you dont need it. you dont need her to see you. i know you think you need her but you will be okay. i know its hard.#you wish you could have shown her how you loved her. listen to yourself. you are made of paper.#she might be concrete or maybe wood or maybe gold. you need to start laying your roots elsewhere. shut that thought down#and blink and listen. the parts you keep thinking of arent lost. they still happened and they are yours to keep.#there is beauty in this loss. tell me about the beauty in this loss. its okay to think about it. you got to see it all and nothing more#and this is great because it would have been bad. you know it would be violent in a way you dont need. you know this to be true.#you are going to look at that empty space in her shape and youre going to fill it with everything that happened when you knew her.#the memories with her but then also the the way your friends talked you through it. the game with the clovers.#your first allergic reaction you almost died and you couldnt stop laughing and you were held so close to their hearts.#learning the names for all the floursecent gene tracking dyes that everyone else knows already. about the exam - listen again.#i know you think if you fail your life is over but you need to try your best. youre not going to get a good grade in a uni test for the fir#youre going to make up for it. youre going to make sure you make up for it. do you understand? i love you. you have to do this.#right now you need to sit up. breathe. i know your heart hurts. go to the living room. grab something to eat. i dont care if you feel full.#youre going to clean your mattress heater. youre going to study a bit longer and then youre going to sleep. youre going to tell your mother#im sorry and i might genuinely fail a test. shes going to tell you its okay. if you do badly in this course you can just become a neurosurg#just agree. dont argue right now. its okay. youre okay. you are paper thin. i know any puncture hurts.#breathe. think of your friends. think of their hands in yours. it isnt eternal.youve lived through worse. the empty sky is still beautiful.#the lack of her is still beautiful
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#tw suicide#idk i feel like i am probably gonna kms after TIT#i would do it sooner but i asked one of my friends to come with me and it would suck if i made him go alone#and it is something to look forward to which is helping me hang on i guess#but ughhhh once uni starts again in september i know everything is gonna fall apart.#i already got an extension on my thesis due to being a useless shell of a person who can't motivate themselves to do anything atm#but i was supposed to get some work done over the summer and have so far done nothing#hence why i want to kms before i have to talk to my fucking supervisors again and admit yet again that i simply cannot do this 😭#and it's not just this. my executive dysfunction has been so bad over the past couple of years and it's only getting worse#to the point where i can't imagine being able to work at all. and if i can't work i can't get out of my parents house#and then what the fuck is the point.#every time i see someone on here talking about bonding with their parents over dnp I'm like damn what's it like#to have parents who actually want to talk to you DSFGJJKL i know they let me live in their house at my big age#but that's only bc id literally be homeless otherwise and they're not like evil. they just don't love me#also went through a deeply embarrassing breakup recently#tl;dr ive been in love with this person for over a decade and i thought they were the dan to my phil or vice versa.#then after 10 years they left me and i'll spare the details but it has me wondering if they ever loved me#i thought it was a “let's live together and get a cat one day” relationship#but now i feel like for them. it was just a “sex and video games” type situation#i am trying soooo hard to at least be creative bc that makes me happy sometimes but it's hard to not be overly critical of myself#and now im getting to a point where i can barely even find any joy in this space any more. for a bunch of reasons#most of which revolve around me being extremely sensitive. and this is like my last bastion of dopamine so that fucking sucks#idk i don't see the point in my life any more. a social worker actually told me recently that i should consider euthanasia so.#it's just completely over for me i fear#this is not even mentioning all the damn migraines. and all the other ways in which my body simply doesn't work properly#sorry for this weird ass vent I'm not in therapy any more bc i couldn't find a therapist willing to treat me+all my diagnoses at this point#and im scared my friends will stop wanting to talk to me if i talk to them about this. several of them already have#the 2 friends i have left anyway. that's a whole other thing. when they said it's hard for autistic ppl to make friends i took that persona#so uh at this point it's vent here or develop a substance abuse problem. and im already halfway to having a substance abuse problem#anyway dan and phil for the love of god please fucking post something tonight. unfortunately you are my only hope
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Yesterday I've been doing some proper physical exercise for the first time since last year and I'm just imagining how proud my f/os would be of me🥹
#it was just a 20 minute beginners home workout and I can feel every muscle in my body now but I think they'd be so happy I pushed through!#I've had particularly Heinz and Maximilian on my mind I think they would be sooo happy that I'm trying to take better care of myself💖#Heinz because he's always there anyway of course but I kind of imagine Max is probably overall the fittest out of my f/os#he seems like the kind of guy who'd want to be an example for his soldiers and always hold himself to the same standards as them#he'd be so supportive and cheer me on and be proud of me every time I get myself to do something😭💖💖#I've never particularly enjoyed doing sports (aside horse riding but in the past year I didn't have time anymore for that bc of uni😭😭)#so I didn't really do anything anymore after I finished school#I started doing simple home workouts last year but in winter my mental health went a little📉 and then I had no motivation to keep going#dunno how long I'll go through with it this time but better than nothing I guess#again with the home workouts lmao bc driving to the nearest gym ain't worth the time for me and I'd need some basic fitness first anyway#I'm doing it mainly for health reasons but this time I'm also motivated to actually get a bit stronger#I don't mind looking like a stick figure and I'm overall content with my body (maybe it could help me to look a bit more masc tho?👀👀)#but I know especially for my posture and such it would be good if my muscles were just a tad bit more developed#my mum was proud of me too when I told her about it hehe :) she works in healthcare she's always a little concerned#she's just a little worried about me getting health issues when I'm older that could be avoided by taking proper care of my body now#I get where she's coming from but it's not easy but at least I'm motivated to try again now :)#selnia talks
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thought my school was finally going to try & help me next year but it sounds like theyre just trying to get me to act normal without actually helping
#idk it all sounds very familiar#i have to 'prove i can do things i dont want to do' and theyre going to help me 'fix my behaviour bc uni wont tolerate it'#but the behaviour they mean is just me being disabled#its about how i freeze up sometimes i think#and i cannot bring myself to do whatever im supposed to#sometimes i cant even move or speak#thats the behaviour they mean#but i cant just make that go away#ive been trying all my fucking life#also??? i go to school every fucking day?? does that not count as proving i can do things i dont want to do#surely they dont think i want to be there#idk man this is exactly the kinda stuff they said in primary school before they started punishing me for being disabled#like giving me extra work bc i froze or something#or send me away to work alone in a room & not talk to any of my peers bc i didnt manage to talk to the teacher#force me to make eyecontact for a full 10 minutes while giving me a lecture about why eyecontact is so important#or not allow me to go outside for breaks#that kinda stuff#it sounds like they have the same idea?#so im very worried about going back to school in september#they were supposed to attempt to help more this year as well but outside of one thing they didnt really do anything#and now they want to 'be more firm about it' ????#i dont trust that#mine#also !! ive been getting told all my life that whatever the next stage is they wont tolerate my behaviour there#in primary they said id never get past first year in secondary#in secondary they say i wont get through uni this way#seems to me that really its fine#yeah i need help sometimes#but also i could probably go to uni & itll be fine#ill have my diagnosis & ill figure out who i need to talk to & how i can get the help i need
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im so so tired jsjdhbj an engineering employers panel just scared me half to death with their startups and innovation and investment and passion commitment linkedin networking etc etc etc i hate it here
#i can't do it#this kind of thing is not meant for people like me#i came here and suffered through it to get myself some niche skills so that the kind of person i am doesn't matter#but i attend an employers panel and they're saying that they don't want your skills#they want you as a person#you need to be networking and making connections within the industry and building soft skills AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA#i can't do this i'm genuinely too disabled#should have been a vet fr#i don't want to move to cambridge and work in startups until i decide to do a phd and go straight back to [current redacted uni] i canttt#need to get a job and then find something to live for but unfortunately for me#those two things are separate#yet i'm in the field of people who act like they're not#ksjhgdcksjd i don't understand why it can't be about the work#and why it has to be about me#times like this when i want someone to take charge of my life entirely. which is a really bad thing to want#but at the same time i can't deal with it alone#and that's what i am right now !!#tangent on this rant but my dad should theoretically be great to have around to help since he's also an engineer#should be great in general tbh. i have a dad isn't that cool#but he doesn't really love me#and hasn't for a long time#yet i am completely reliant on him#and if anything goes wrong - which it easily could in my current state - my mum can't support me#hgjvsfdtycu;ioakljshdgvfctjyulaisdkjchg that's enough of that sorry#what a shit day#started so nice and went down like a lead balloon
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I hope life eases up soon man, take care of yourself
Thanks mate <3
stuff's starting to gradually get better now, actually let myself feel feelings after bottling them till it popped
just kinda turns out that throwing yourself into something so you're numb to the other things can really burn you out :') So I'm trying to find motivation to write and answer asks again, I'm hoping it'll be soon but idk atp
#vent in the tags - so warning ig#got home from uni#have been in fight/flight mode since#turns out that fucking saps your energy incredibly fast#accepting that my mother and I's relationship is broken beyond any repair is oddly helping though#she's proven that she doesn't see me as an individual well and truly now#so I can put the energy back into myself instead which is meh#processing that alongside my insanely fucked up grief hasn't been fun at all.#my emotions about it have been out of wack since she saw me crying and grieving a friend and assumed it was anger towards her#like I'm fucking grieving a friend I found out has recently died - do you think I'm not going to cry?#but no just assume its me being angry towards you and not me having feelings. Sure. *fine* I'll just kill my ability to feel for a bit#so I threw myself into the lu fandom again till burn out#and now I've been on off crying for a week#feeling fragile as shit#but Improving#somehow#I think#*maybe*#don't know what other personal event could happen now to be worse honestly#last 8 months have been a fucking rollercoaster#then when I manage to get back up#put myself back together#have a little breather#get immediatly broken back down#I just want a fucking hug man#and perhaps to be told that I'm worth something#I don't know#nothing really feels all that good to me anymore#but I'm holding on through it#there's light at the end of the tunnel
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#alia talks#turning 25 this month and I was having some semi existential crises this month#but I was thinking#when I was 18 I dropped out of [prestigious uni] half way thru first sem bc I couldn’t hack it#stayed T home and did community college for 3 years before transferring to [comparatively mid tier ranked] uni#I used to feel so much shame over it#And fear over whether or not I’d get a job move out etc#But now that I’m halfway thru my 20s I’ve been looking back#and as of right now I’m the only person in my family with health insurance#One of the things my parents used to warn me about was that by age 26 you cannot be in your parents insurance in the USA#So by that point I needed to have a full time job#And I used to be scared ghat I’d never make it#And now I’m a year away from 26#And I’m employed full time w health insurance coverage#Meanwhile both my parents are currently unemployed/self-employed#And most likely cannot ever get a full time job for [reasons]#And my younger sibs don’t have health insurance due to being uni students#(I mean they do through their college maybe)#Just that currently in my family I’m the only one with health insurance through my job#Something I was afraid I wouldn’t have at this age or something that I’d lose#And after nearly 7 years of having ShameTM over it
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#the secret to making friends is to let yourself annoy them#this is a joke but im also being completely serious#all my life I've been too apprehensive to make the first move because im always afraid of being bothersome#but looking back at the friendships through the past 4years at uni... im so lucky that a lot of people didn't worry about bothering me#and decided to come up and initiate conversation anyway#and also. whenever anyone has 'bothered me' by asking about me or wanting to know more... I have only felt loved and special...#so i guess what im trying to say is that#cringe culture is dead and theres nothing cool about prioritizing how you appear over the potential of a real bond#and I was born to be persistent and curious#so yeah. now that my graduate program will start in a couple months and there are opportunities to get acquainted with my classmates#I reach out to people with no attempt to hide my enthusiasm in getting to know them.#I double/triple text a lot and annoy them (affectionate) like i do my bffs and its incredible how 9/10 reciprocate that energy so quick#and despite the cultural differences and minor mistranslations/miscommunications we still manage to find common interests to discuss about#and it's like '!!!!!!! we're besties now'#yeah sure sometimes people might get a bit uncomfy and by the second message if i feel like I'm disturbing them I back off#but i won't know that until i reach out in the first place. so all in all this has worked really well for me and i love itttt#megumi in the tags
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omw to play emotional support for my mom disguised as ✨fun family bonding time✨ for the rest of the week <3333 there's something so deeply wrong with me uwu teehee
#and i still havent texted my friend back even tho she texted me a week ago and i told her ill text her back this week when i have the time#and i DO have the time. im just fucked in the head and the prospect of having a conversation with another person where i again#have to pretend im not at the very brink of a serious mental and emotional breakdown. is making me lose my fucking mind#ik she's having a bad time rn and she needs the reassurance and jesus fucking christ i tried i had two long conversations with her#that were allllll about her. only her. not a single word about me. that's fine. this is what people need in such moments right#to just get patted on the head and hugged and told their suffering is real and what happened to them is unfair and just made to feel#that for a moment they're the centre of attention and it is all about them. this is normal. this is why therapy exists.#so i try to give this to her but it is fucking draining. and i NEVER get the same treatment back. like she caught me crying at uni last week#and like yes she'll say some nice things but she'll always find a way to turn the conversation back on the topic of ✨her✨#like we started talking about my therapy and i finally got to actually say a word or two about what im dealing with. but then she goes#'yeah im just trying to figure out what's wrong with me when i listen to you haha like i could never cut myself cause it looks ugly.#ofc it doesnt look ugly on you haha but i could never lol'#like thanks haha good to know ill just shut up then and steer the conversation back onto you why dont i. i mean its not like#i spent over an hour a few days back sitting with you and listening to your talk about your childhood and validating you and not saying#a word a single fucking word about myself even tho i was also going through it myself but who cares right. and now im the bad guy again#because im not texting back.#i feel like im finally fucking snapping cause at this point im properly fucking angry. IM having a bad time too. IM going through it too.#I have bad coping skills and had a fucked up childhood and traumas in my life TOO and im allowed to just not be able to handle it#i really wanna break something lol maybe therapy's working after all lmao#oh also this is why i dont eat breakfast. i do it once and then feel guilty and suicidal lol normal behaviour#pojebie mnie zaraz przysięgam na boga mam dość kurwa BASTA
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I see people bringing up Nishiki slapping Reina so fucking often and I'm so fucking tired of it.
Let's get this out of the way first: was it good of Nishiki to hit Reina? Should he have done it? OF FUCKING COURSE NOT. While violence is the answer to a not negligible amount of problems, here, it WASN'T.
HOWEVER.
People tend to act as though Reina was a poor uwu victim who didn't do anything wrong. So lemme explain the situation here:
1) Nishiki just saw someone he cares about A LOT get sexually assaulted or even raped.
2) Nishiki just brutally killed his boss because of an emotional / trauma reaction to witnessing said assault and was very shaken up by it, having collapsed to his knees when Kiryu arrives.
3) His brother just took the fall for it and will have to go to prison for a very long time.
4) Sawamura disappears from the hospital, leaving Nishiki with most of his support network gone in the blink of a fucking eye.
5) He goes to update Reina on the situation and she starts screaming at him, accusing him of being weak and useless, of failing her by not being able to protect Sawamura and Kiryu.
Great fucking reaction on her part, isn't it? He's just lost two of his siblings at once and she is telling him that it's his fault. Yes, Reina probably didn't mean it like that, but she still says it. And when Nishiki interrogates her on it, she doesn't retract it.
It's not helping that Nishiki's mental stability is already shot to shit because of various pressures, such as an important surgery for Yuko coming up, Kazama's clear favouritism, Kashiwagi's distance.
I reiterate: NISHIKI GETTING VIOLENT WAS BAD. HE SHOULDN'T HAVE DONE THAT.
And he apparently does slap her quite hard. But he also immediately regrets it, looking at his hand with shock. As someone who not only has a lot more physical strength than Reina and is in organised crime and is thus the stronger party in the power imbalance, it was his responsibility to try and counteract the power imbalance by restraining himself. And he failed at that.
My point is that Reina said what I consider to be unforgivable things, even if she didn't mean them. And she knows this because when Nishiki confronts her, she is scared. She knows she fucked up. Yet she doesn't try to retract her accusations or to reformulate what she feels.
They're both horrible in this interaction and this is why I don't like them as a pairing. Reina clearly is way over her head in the Yakuza world. Which is perfectly fine, not everyone can deal with it, in fact I'd wager that most people can't, yet she both involves herself in it and is involved in it by others. And then she deals with being exposed to the dark sides of the yakuza world by toxically unleashing it, here on Nishiki.
Another thing I don't like is the "he hit a woman because she hurt his feelings he isn't an uwu baby". Oh, so it would have been fine if Reina had been a man? No it wouldn't have. Why bring gender into this? Either say that no one deserves to be hurt or say that everyone deserves to get slapped every once in a while.
Let all genders be slapped and let all genders slap. All or nothing, cmon.
#I actually dont like reina as a person#I tried to keep it out of the post if it shines through though i apologise#Lemme know if you have a totally different view im open to discussion :)#Just reina saying all of that was uncalled for and incredibly cruel#You cant tell me that shes in love with him but doesnt know about his inferiority complex and fragile mental state#I get aiming to hurt people in an argument#It happens yknow but that was not an argument up until nishiki hitting her she was just beating down on him verbally#Like if it had been me in nishikis place i would have ended the friendship immediately#Like i wouldnt have hit her because ive been taught by society that if I have an emotional breakdown im being hysterical#But i would have given her a piece of my mind and then just straight up ended the relationship because its not okay to say things like that#nishikiyama akira#yakuza#rgg#akira nishikiyama#my rants#I still maintain that nishiki should not have hit her under any circumstances#I just dont like how people use that he hit her to argue that nishiki is evil and shit#Like is he a good person? No???? No fleshed out character in the Yakuza world is its organised crime ffs#But it doesnt fucking make him evil now does it#Why am i writing long posts about fictional characters when i should be studying for uni#Im so gonna fail at least one course this semester
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today sucked the life out of me ya Allah
#nothing particularly happened#well actually multiple things happened but none of them are that big of a deal im just tired#yesterday the ppt file for my presentation corrupted as i was finishing it :') didn't have autosave on :'))#had to redo the entire thing from scratch. i was working on it all week too for god's sake#finished by like 4am today and i had to be up by 8 for uni so i barely slept#the presentation was fine i think given i had to do everything again last minute but ik the original version was better#my blood pressure was through the roof the entire day for some reason. felt my pulse in my head for the whole day#fitting because our pbl case this week was about hypertension😭#called my dad to make sure he went to get his meds renewed...#i'm really worried about him he refused to go to the doctor again aslan but i sat him down and we had a long talk about it#alhamdulillah he agreed to go. only for them not to have his diabetes meds in stock💀 bas ya3ni it's good that he went anyway#my mom is a different story she's so stubborn i swear#had an argument with her today about letting me work again to lift a bit of the workload off her since money is still so tight#and she got pissed at me#so now im tired unrested have a migraine and my mom is mad at me what a day bgad#ya Allah
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I really thought I was a relatively calm stress free person before meeting other people.
#none of u feel like vomiting when thinking about doing anything huh……… that’s not normal…..#Alas. I will have to live this way for now. maybe exposure is all I need. I’ll just realize it’s not scary and nobody hates me.#^ not going to happen but ehhhhh.#It really is no one else seems concerned at all w how anyone sees them or like. worried about it more.#hm. hm. ^_^ aw well. I do be hanging around w the most carefree ass guys in the world that might also not be normal.#he definitely seems more put together than one should. Everyone else is still being silly 💭💭#I’m not being silly bc of the horrors and he’s not being silly bc been there done that . And then there’s the super awesome girl#who is incredibly silly but also like sometimes it peeks out how smart and like put together she is really. Which. She’s so awesome.#I need to get like that I think. I am hanging w the right ppl bc I need to get like that.#I will become super awesome maybe through uni by simply trying really hard to catch up w my peers.#also I don’t think I fell that far behind by doing nothing and talking to no one throughout highschool I’m not. As horrific as some#at social interaction. I’m not good but it’s not always a failure. Objectively. In my head it is but.#Wow I spiralled my way out of the spiral ^_^ now I just need to not seem that attached to ppl I’ve known 4 three weeks.#bc it turns out ppl being nice to me turns me very clingy very fast. I have to be normal about this specifically.#they’ve all had friends bf but this is the closest I’ve been to anyone ……….. ehe ^_^
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