#now i need england to GO OUT
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i hate the english as much as the next guy but i hope this man has had a good day
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this is kit, please commission some art from them on social bunny 🙏
#ts4#sims 4#just wanted to test out relight but now i have a whole new gameplay i wanna do#my house wifi's been down since friday so i'd nothing better to do lol#assignments shouldn't exist. i should be able to play video games all day >:(#i think i'm going to remove this font replacement cus it can't do accented letters :(#i had to uninstall wickedwhims cus my uni friend wants to play sims on my laptop tomorrow LOL#anyways kits cool though#they're in the same save as virgil's tjol :)#so they might meet him!#uuughhh i fuckin hate thursdays. i'm out of the house for like 14 hours :((#going to england in 8 days tho i'm so excited to see my family again :) they got a new dog too!! a jack russell named paddy lmaooo#i got tagged in kmik posts but i'm saving them for friday night when i'm not busy <3#goodnight simblr#it's 11:50pm and i need to start writing my essay due tomorrow D:
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Wild how we know that Elizabeth Woodville was officially appointed to royal councils in her own right during her husband’s reign and fortified the Tower of London in preparation of a siege while 8-months pregnant and had forces gathering at Westminster “in the queen’s name” in 1483 – only for NONE of these things to be even included, let alone explored, in the vast majority of scholarship and historical novels involving her.
#lol I don't remember writing this - I found it when I was searching for something else in my drafts. But it's 100% true so I had to post it.#elizabeth woodville#my post#Imo this is mainly because Elizabeth's negative historiography has always involved both vilification and diminishment in equal measure.#and because her brand of vilification (femme fatale; intriguer) suggests more indirect/“feminine” than legitimate/forceful types of power#It's still bizarre though-you'd think these would be some of the most famous & defining aspects of Elizabeth's life. But apparently not#I guess she only matters when it comes to marrying Edward and Promoting Her Family and scheming against Richard#There is very lacking interest in her beyond those things even in her traditionally negative depictions#And most of her “reassessments” tend to do diminish her so badly she's rendered utterly irrelevant and almost pathetic by the end of it#Even when some of these things *are* mentioned they're never truly emphasized as they should be.#See: her formal appointment in royal councils. It was highly unconventional + entirely unprecedented for queens in the 14th & 15th century#You'd think this would be incredibly important and highlighted when analyzing late medieval queenship in England but apparently not#Historians are more willing to straight-up INVENT positions & roles for so many other late medieval queens/king's mothers that didn't exist#(not getting into this right now it's too long...)#But somehow acknowledging and discussing Elizabeth's ACTUAL formally appointed role is too much for them I guess#She's either subsumed into the general vilification of her family (never mind that they were known as 'the queen's kin' to actual#contemporaries; they were defined by HER not the other way around) or she's rendered utterly insignificant by historians. Often both.#But at the end of the day her individual role and identity often overlooked or downplayed in both scenarios#and ofc I've said this before but - there has literally never been a proper reassessment of Elizabeth's role in 1483-85 TILL DATE#despite the fact that it's such a sensational and well-known time period in medieval England#This isn't even a Wars of the Roses thing. Both Margaret of Anjou and Margaret Beaufort have had multiple different reassessments#of their roles and positions during their respective crises/upheavals by now;#There is simply a distinct lack of interest in reassessing Elizabeth in a similar way and I think this needs to be acknowledged.#Speaking of which - there's also a persistent habit of analyzing her through the context of Margaret of Anjou or Elizabeth of York#(either as a parallel or a foil) rather than as a historical figure in HER OWN RIGHT#that's also too long to get into I just wanted to point it out because I hate it and I think it's utterly senseless#I've so much to say about how all of this affects her portrayal in historical fiction as well but that's going into a whole other tangent#ofc there are other things but these in particular *really* frustrate me#just felt like ranting a bit in the tags because these are all things that I want to individually discuss someday with proper posts...
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this is a test
#i’m bored i just wanna see how many words i can put in the tags like will it just keep going on forever or will they stop me like i know th#the tag limit is 30 ok so the iindividual tag limit is 140 characters that’s actually so rude i wanted to keep going forever and see how lo#g this could be but i guess we can do this 30 times ok what the flip should i talk about hm i was playing the guitar today but i rage quit#ause the song was hard and hurting my fingers! ermmmmm it was sunny ok this is boring let’s think of more exciting things to type hmmm acco#ding to all known laws of aviation- jk i’m not doing the bee movie script but can you imagine i think that would be funny hmmmmm words i lo#e podcasts so bad that’s a fact no one has ever know before my blog definitely isn’t all about audio dramas the people are definitely not a#ready aware of this jesus christ this is only the seventh one of these this is actually quite a lot of space i underestimated how much i ha#e to type btw there’s probably spelling mistakes in here somewhere or autocorrect has been annoying but i cba to retype anything so i don’t#care lolllllllllllll how do you feel about oscar malevolent i feel a normal amount actually (lie) yk what i really miss sam and colin alrea#y like i’m actually not okay i really hope we hear from sam again in s2 and also colin ngl i hope ur in the computers soz or not dead miss#im like a bastard my paranoid it king ok erm im running out of things to say um heartstopper s3 was crazy good i cried lmao i love gay peop#e so much it’s crazy i hope it gets renewed for s4 i need to reread the comics lowkey and the books they’re all so talented for being so yo#ng it scares me ngl !!!!!! the tmagp hiatus is getting to me slightly like february in reality is soon and not that far away for how podcas#ts go but seriously how am i supposed to live until then without knowing what happened. please colin be alive. ive only just realised i can#use fills stops. sorry that’s made everything a bit messy. i should’ve been doing this before. whoops. anyways. hi mutuals i love you all s#much i hope you enjoy my rambles and shitposts cause i enjoy yours very much! never think you’re being annoying i literally don’t care be a#annoying as you want posts as much as you want i am ur biggest fan <3 im getting a bit fatigued from typing like my mind is blank basically#now it’s just turned into a. stream of consciousness but i don’t really have any thoughts to put here idk if we’re halfway ermmmm omg it’s#lmost halloween how crazy is that time is flying by i kinda forgot it was october lmao. it’s wild how it’s basically almost christmas. like#what. that’s illegal. how is it wintertime again. what the flip. i miss summer already take me backkkkkkk. i hope my phone doesn’t crash or#smth cause i’ve not saved this as a draft and i cba to do any of this again. maybe i should save it. ok i will when i reach the next tag bc#ok it stopped me but i’ve saved it and holy jesus it’s a lot of text im just sat here giggling there’s really no point to any of this other#than me being bored sooooooooooooooooo (imagine if i just did the letter o for every character wouldn’t that be crazy) so wait there’s 140#haracters and 30 tags so what’s 30 x 140. someone hurry. i haven’t done maths lessons in two and a half years i’ve forgotten everything wai#let me get the calculator app ok im back it said 4100 characters so. i dont know how many words that roughly is but its. a decent amount. o#what the flip why am i wasting tag space with maths. i hate maths. my screen time has been actually soooooooooo bad recently like damn some#one put my phone in a block of ice please joshua gillespie style. my mind is running out of things to say. do i talk about myself. im james#im 18 which is weird cause wdym im an adult go away. ive run out of facts. i love podcasts and procedural dramas that stupid firefighter sh#w is my life unfortunately. i think chappell roan should be the queen of england instead of king charles. i dont like having a king cause#ho needs men in power not me. ok um this is the last tag equal rights for all. yolo. the time will pass anyways! thank u boredom ok bye gn:
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ive never felt more rural than i have in the past few weeks since hanging out with a lad who has only ever lived in cities. what do you MEAN YOU'VE NEVER DONE A MORRIS DANCE
#he didn't even know what morris dancers WERE i said some shit like 'you know it's summer when the morris dancers come out'#and he was like 'the what now' I FEEL LIKE IM GOING CRAZY. HE'S FUCKING WITH ME SURELY#AND THIS HAPPENS SO OFTEN ABOUT THINGS I JUST ASSUMED WERE BASICS#'harvest festival 🤨' PARDON. YOU ARE JOKING#and also the CONCEPT of a village is baffling to him. i said there's probably about 100 people in my entire village#and we don't have a pub or a single shop the closest ones are in the NEXT village over which is a 3 mile walk#and this boy was HORRIFIED. we are both in a constant state of thinking the other is taking the piss#and now every time i think/do something abundantly rural im SO self-aware 😭#my mum told me the farmers are gonna do a xmas tractor run through our village this year#(they usually miss our village bc even by village standards it's tiny)#and she was like 'shame you'll miss it! i'll send you a video!' and im there already picturing this boy's face when i show it him#like sigh. yeah. yeah okay maybe the rural england is ingrained deeper than i feared. never escaping the allegations etc#had a conversation with him the other day that concluded with me 100% genuinely being like 'you need to touch grass'#i literally said 'i think it would fix you. like actually go and touch some grass what the fuck'#bc at this point he's so far removed from nature that it's INSANE TO ME. i didnt realise how much i took growing up rurally for granted#THESE PEOPLE DONT EVEN GET DRUNK IN FIELDS. THEY HAVE NO FIELDS. I HAD TO EXPLAIN TO HIM WHAT A CAMP OUT WAS
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Prof got us some tea and coffee :3
#was surpised that the prof who does nothing but mourn not being in england bringing in the sweetest fucking tea ive had in my life#tastes so good though#we're building resumes and i uh... dont have much?#the art dept doesnt usually annouce exhibition deadlines until a week or so before they're due so i haven't had a chance to join one#and I've been working an actual job to pay for college so no internship either#feeling fear but i also know its not the end of the world and i still have time to do all that lol#don't need a robust resume straight out graduating#...would be nice though#update; okay talked to my professor and mentioned my minor#so now he is going to help me and a few other students put together a historical japanese art and literature exhibit#and since it isn't technically classwork we can say ''assisted in the curation/arrangement of historical japanese works for an exhibition''#which sounds pretty nice i'd say#yay
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I keep getting rejected from conventions that I've been doing for multiple years this year and I heard on Friday that I didn't get Scotland Comic Con, which I've relied on for the last two years to be able to pay my fucking rent over the winter when there's no events, and it makes me want to scream because what the fuck am I supposed to do about it?? I'm making new stuff reasonably regularly, I make really good sales when I get into cons, I go out of my way to be reliable and show up on time and do everything they want exhibitors to do, and it's just flat rejection after flat rejection, sometimes without even the courtesy of a spot on a waiting list or a cursory 'sorry, we got a lot of applicants and we've got limited space'.
I don't know what I'm doing wrong, I don't think I even am doing anything wrong, I'm just getting repeatedly fucked over by event organisers who just see me as a way of increasing their own ticket sales rather than a human being trying to make a living.
And, like, part of me gets that I've been doing this for a while and folks who are new to it deserve a chance to get a foot in the door, but my ability to be charitable runs out when the biggest convention in the country decides no, we don't have enough room in our fuck-off huge venue for everyone so bye, fuck you, that ~15% of your yearly income that you rely on making at this con is just going up in smoke.
I like doing conventions, I'm good at it and it's fun, but it's getting Really Fucking Stressful to have my ability to eat and pay bills decided increasingly arbitrarily by the same five events companies who don't seem to give the slightest shit about anyone.
And I don't know what to do about it because the reason I'm doing this is because I'm too fucking autistic to get a real job, and I got kicked to the kerb by the benefits lot a few years ago because that system's fucking broken too, and the more effort I put in the less work I seem to actually get and frankly I want to fucking break something
#not having a very good time right now folks#not getting into cons is just a fact of doing this job#but this one has really fucked me over#i don't know why i didn't get it because they don't tell you these things#there's no waiting list no nothing#two years i've done this con. three if you count 2019 as well#it's the biggest one in scotland it's 15 minutes from my flat#i can't afford to get to england so i Need this one to make a living#but fuck me apparently#i am Enormously screwed and i'm still too freaked out to work out what i'm going to do about it#and to cap it all off i had car and computer repairs to deal with this past week#and i don't have another con until the end of august#so i'm going to have to wipe out my pitiful savings just to make rent and bills until then#i could just about have survived if i knew i had that reliable income in october#but now i don't and i have no idea how i'm going to make it through the winter quiet season#AND i'm helping my flatmate out with food costs until her student loans start back up again#which i'm going to have to stop doing because i can't afford it anymore#so this fucks over both of us in the short term#i'm going to find a way to manage but i just. i need to scream for about a week first#personal stuff
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So like, I have been having this weird experience analyzing the Harry Potter books lately, and please indulge me while I talk about J.K. Rowling's weird writing.
My goal was simple: read the Harry Potter books to find which parts were influenced/inspired by actual magic that people do in real life. My theory was that there was a lot more magic in the earlier drafts of the books, and that she took a lot out due to fear of backlash from America's ongoing reenactment of the Satanic Panic. For instance it's quite obvious some of their magic lessons got dumbed down so that very little of what's in the books could actually be tried in real life, and I think she took out a lot of astrology.
I also wanted to do a couple errands along the way, one of which was to check and see if it's explicitly written in the books that Harry is a cis man. I'm a trans man, SO I'D KNOW. (I'm a slow reader so all I can say for now is: the FIRST book does not explicitly state Harry is cis, but if he's trans, there's some implied worldbuilding with items like the Sorting Hat that comes into play. Also I'm fairly sure the Dursleys would have gone along with him being trans because that meant Petunia could reuse Dudley's old clothes instead of having to get girl stuff. I'mma save any other explanations on the topic for a video on it.) The reason I'm doing this read-through is because I think J.K. doesn't know anything about trans people and didn't think to make sure her wizard world was trans exclusionary. AND IT TURNS OUT THAT WE TRANS MAGIC USERS HAVE A WAY OF WIGGLING INTO MOST PLACES UNDETECTED BY NORMAL MEANS.
While I was doing the re-read I encountered two sort of broad revelations:
There's a lot of old stuff in there like Latin and Greek and tradcraft stuff, but also modern magic of the more recent era... but the incorporation of modern magic cuts off somewhere before the 80s. These books read like they were written by a early 70s magician. Like they honestly read like J.K. is a magical practicioner who just didn't read any magic books written after 1972 and never discovered what Chaos Magic is, (and also, never heard of most of what happened in the Cold War). I have never found a writer, in fiction or non-fiction, more dedicated to referencing magical stuff that most magicians alive today just don't care about anymore.
J.K. Rowling's knowledge of child abuse laws and general social mores regarding treatment of children also ceased to update itself by about the 80s. I keep getting distracted by this and having to make more side-notes about corporal punishment and researching stuff like when caning was banned in England. (HInt: it was banned before Harry went to school, so in Book 1 it's fuckin weird that he assumes that Wood is the name of a cane he's about to be whipped with.) Like, this woman raised children in the modern era, she should know when canes stopped being used.
So like, when I mention that I'm doing some research in this area, this is the sort of stuff I'm reading for and the sort of stuff I'm encountering. I haven't been talking much about this journey because it seems like any time anyone brings up anything Harry Potter up whatsoever, we've got to talk about how J.K. is a terf in every other sentence. But like, y'all: I hope you slow down and re-read the books, because J.K. Rowling is a terf who is also a child abuse apologist and normalizer. She is a terf who is also a horrible fat-shamer. She is a terf who is also an ableist with a huge problem writing about mental illness. And she's a terf who's also a sexist who undermines feminism with her actual writing of female characters.
And I honestly think she double and triples down on the terf stuff so that people will only talk about that. I think it's worth talking about the fact that not only is she an awful person in the terf way, but like, every other way imaginable too. I think it's worth talking about the fact that with all the obvious biases she has, the group she CHOOSES to publicly marginaiize is trans women, and I think she makes that choice because she thinks that she'll get more allies that way. That if she wore all of her issues on her sleeve like she wears the terfness, that she'd lose a lot of allies, that a lot of prestigious charities would stop having anything to do with her. That she uses the identity of "terf" as a shield because she knows that certain people will protect a terf, and she does this specifically so people won't notice how much of a sexist, abuse apologist, ableist, fatphobe etc she ALSO is. Opinions that could lose her a lot of money and clout if people remember them enough.
She's trying to pick on who she thinks is the most unpopular kid in the class out of the hopes that the bullies in class will be her friends instead of pile up on her, but if the bullies knew what she really thought of them, THEY wouldn't even be her friends.
Also like... I just want someone else to read the actual words in these books and see what fucked-up choices she made as a writer. I think a LOT of people remembering these books are actually remembering the movies, which are way more different from the books than you might expect.
#this got long and rambly#every time i try to read the books i find a new thing that is weird#i had to look up when milk bottle delivery stopped in england#i know so many things about knickerbockers now#it seems like the only reason platform 9 3/4 is used is for the parking and that's so weird#why would you name something futuristic a 2000 when that's only 9 years from when the first book is set#who leaves a one year old on a doorstep#how come the dursleys are so affluent to have late-era milk bottle delivery at the doorstep#yet no 4AM joggers in the neighborhood who would have seen Harry before Petunia did#these books are an assault upon all logic and I am mad and angry that there is a theme park based on them that fails the ADA#you're telling me wizards can hide an entire castle yet they can't add a ramp to a shop's doorway#oh gods i'm never going to stop get me out of these tags I need a snack and a hug
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Kinda funny how I actually enjoyed cataloging when I was working in a library, but now that I'm taking a class on cataloging my brain has started shutting down at the very mention of the word ...
#I am sure all this information would be SUPER helpful if it was applicable to real life#but learning it in an academic setting makes my eyes glaze and my mind wander#because I have no context to set any of it in#I have concluded after five semesters that the American insistence on degrees to work in a library is RUBBISH#what we really need is a whole bunch of training seminars for library workers to help them do their specific jobs better#which is what I was getting when I was working at the academic library in england#but admittedly that was cambridge which had amazing resources available for library training#anyway#have I mentioned I'm glad I'm graduating in december with an associates rather than sticking it out for three more years for a bachelors?#because so far going to school for library science has almost killed my love for library work#and that is so not what I was going for#so#associates degree in liberal studies with a focus in library science it is#and the bachelors can wait until my kids are graduated from high school#and I have a clearer picture of if I even want to pursue this path or if I'm going back to my first love of writing books for a living#which has its own pitfalls but these tags are already ridiculous so I'm stopping now
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Look I love my friends dearly and I love listening and supporting, and I will be there for them and I will be the person they can turn to, and I try so hard to be considerate, but I have nothing in me to give right now. Most of my relationships involve me just giving giving giving, and as much as I love doing that (I truly do, being someone my friends can turn to is the most wonderful thing in the world), but I have so few relationships where I receive, and it's especially hard for me right now. Maybe it's cause I'm so busy with my exams and thesis and organising a camp, but at this point I just need someone who will give me a hug and just Be There. Not try telling me what to do, or how to deal with my stress to try "help".
#current closest relationships: my best friend is dating an unbeliever and is already talking of MARRYING HIM (they've been together for like#a month. this is not an exaggeration)#my childhood friend (basically my brother at this point) has just been getting annoyed at me really easily recently so i have to be careful#the dynamic I have with S has always been me giving (which was sth he really needed at first and now thats just the way it has stayed)#my mom (whom usually i go to when I'm struggling) is in England rn and I'm alone in the house with my dad for 2 weeks. It's only been#3 days and it's already HARD#and anyone who I try to tell just want to give me advise. I DON'T WANT ADVISE I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH THIS I JUST NEED SOME SUPPORT#I may just be spiraling cause I haven't had a hug since mom left. this has happened before#sorry this turned out really long :/ it was supposed to be a short paragraph not a Long Post#mine#I'll be okay in a week I think. I will be done with my exams by then and I'll be on a trip with my friends from all over Poland#I love these friends dearly and do (sometimes) feel like I can rest when with them#relacje
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currently the house of mystery is only canon in his JLD verse but i gotta say, the symbolism of giving john constantine ownership of the house of cain, with all his family hang-ups? chef's fucking kiss for that one.
i do like to think that he ends up owning the house of mystery eventually in the main verse, because it would be an eventual solution to his endlessly unstable housing situation and i think he'd breathe a lot easier if he had a sanctum of a sort, but it definitely takes a while to come into his hands. post-hellblazer, pre-sandman universe presents in timeline speak. the man is 70, he deserves some interdimensional storage space and a reliable ("reliable") place to sleep.
#( ooc. ) OUT OF CIGS.#(oingo boingo vc) IN THE HOUSE OF CAAAAAAAAIN#cain and abel imagery has been fucking haunting me lately and i don't know why#but anyway gracie (asteritm) pointed out how much sense it would make if he had the house and i have Not stopped thinking about it#AND the fact that any occult kit he needs is stored in the lock-up in england. so if he needs it elsewhere he's gotta go digging#(yes i know he lit the lock-up on fire but he got a new one and is restocking ok. i love him using chas's storage space it's special to me)#like right now he's still hopping from flat to flat and jetsetting all over the world looking to solve magical problems he needs his stuff#he can't keep haunting midwestern antique stores looking for relics his allergies are fucking killing him#so i like to think that eventually the house of mystery does end up in his hands!#mayhaps i will put it in another arc who can say
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We are leaving in 9 hours and I wish my mom's stress had peaked but I Know it hasn't
#based on previous experience#there's going to be tomorrow morning right before we leave#and then boarding the eurostar. and then the horror of navigating the tube with huge ass suitcases#somebody grant me strength this much stress cannot be good for you#i keed to get a few good long fics to read in the train otherwise I'm going to have a shit time#and i'm bringing sooo much bullshit that some stuff doesn't uh. fit anywhere in the limited amount of luggage we're allowed to bring? so.#yikers. i'm not leaving my soup powder at home! i need the soup powder!#for the uninitiated the soup powder is a mix of spices by roellinger spices#you put it in soups and it gives them. well. the taste of soup powder. but that's great!#because when your soup tastes bad you just mix in a little soup powder and bam! it tastes like soup powder and not yucky failed soup!#a miracle. i'm going to be making many bad soups this winter while i try to figure out how to make good ones#and i need my miraculous soup powder to save my ass when i have a good litre of yucky bad soup#ANYWAY. i am so stressed out inside. outside i look normal unless you talk to me#years of adhd practice#wow i have a ramble tag now#england adventures
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Restructuring a playlist for a novel project can be so personal and so goddamn infuriating
#im in the mood board/playlist stage again because my brain wont do words but i need to create something#and the playlist for rhe murtagh wolves isnt clicking#ive already redone it twice and its not vibing still now its too shanty/celtic instrumental which is great but not the vibe#or at least not the sole vibe#there needs to be a gothic new England/maine wilderness aspect and a burnt out city kid aspect as well thats now missing#and a dose of 'arent you tired of being nice dont you wanna go apeshit' that i had but now lost and it needs some religious trauma#but the witchcraft vibes needs to be a blend of druid and new england so thats tricky#its not what finn would listen to personally but the structure of the novel so y'know. more complicated
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thinking about how dor could have actually been a very good eivor dlc if they actually gave a shit about eivor :/
#like i know that dlc was a blatant cash grab and people generally don't care about it for the most part#but it was actually a lot of fun and could have been relevant to eivor's narrative#if only ubi had cared to expand on eivor's character arc#like...........if you're going to have eivor continue interacting with odin after the end of the base game you need to make it worthwhile#come on now#i know i'm probably not making much sense but i just kept expecting that stupid dlc to actually do something for eivor#and it could have!! they just fucking didn't#ugh i haaaaaaaate#anyway i'm tired and this probably doesn't make much sense but#my point is ragnarok as a mythological realm parallel to the vikings being pushed out of england. it was right there IT WAS RIGHT THERE#ky posts text
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UGUUGUUGGGHGHGHGH (<- annoyed)
#marzi speaks#so i lost my id in england and i'm probs not getting it back from there right#so i went to go online to apply for a replacement#WELL . online replacement requires you to know the id number and audit number#i know neither of these. it was a pretty new id#so NOW i have to fill out the application and make an appmt#so when i go to the dmv (already a miserable experience) the employee is gonna ask what i need#and i'm gonna have to go 'i'd like to apply for a replacement id card'#this tells them 2 things#1: i'm an adult who can't legally drive#2: i managed to lose an id card not 6 months into being an adult#UUUGHGHGHGHGGHGHGHGHGHGH#i KNOW they don't give too much of a shit#but the dmv is so miserable that nobody there is having a good time#and there is a non-zero chance they will judge me#girl it was covid! i had nowhere to drive!#and if my mom comes with me (she probably will bc i need to be driven there)#then she'll do her mom thing where she thinks what she's saying is innocent but it actually comes across as mega judgemental#and i'm gonna want to sink into the seat but i can't do that bc i'm an Adult Now#*head in hands*#i blame all of this on woman pockets. if those pants had better pockets my id would have never fallen#y'know at least it was in england. a brit won't be able to do much with a stolen texas id#we have pretty different accents
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Someone tell me how to make me not hate myself and make my family not think I’m a bitch and make me want to see my family or drive back down the coast or stay in strange places or do anything other than kill myself I mean whaaatttt haha what a weird thing to say *stares directly into the camera knowingly*
#and don’t say take your medication#fuck. my moms sitting here like I was under the impression you had this all figured out and I’m like well I was under the impression you#we’re going to fucking sit down with me and help me book a room for the last night of driving bc I can’t book and I have to find somewhere#between like three states that will let me check into a hotel room bc if I get somewhere and they don’t let me stay I’m fucked and have no#where to go or sleep bc I can’t sleep in the car on the way back bc my car is packed to the FUCKING top with my brothers shit fuck fuck fuck#fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck#it’s just like being a kid I can hear my family making fun of me for my emotions in the next room over FUCK I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE T#THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS#I think I’m having caffeine nic and med withdrawals at the same time while pmsing#AND WHILE TRYING TO FIGURE OUT A PLAN FOR DRIVING BACK DOWN#I think I’m the biggest bitch on the planet rn#i was listening to father by tfb in the car and there’s a line about something about falling asleep while you drive and I apparently sang iy#with a lot of passion bc my brother said ‘please don’t’ and that was literally the first time anyone has called me on my recent musicchoices#but it really has all been like I need to go anywhere but where I am right now and I need to die far away and that’s it#no more starting over no more self hatred no more family shit I just need to stop#I want to hire someone to drive my brothers shit down to Florida and then I want to kill myself in New England#Anyways. I’m gonna go try to eat something and take my meds and then move stuff around in the car and also try to get a room somewhere by#the end of my trip and I don’t have much time at all and I need to kill everyone and then myself now now now now now now now now now now now#every time I move my body the entire world spins and idk if it’s anxiety or med withdrawals or being tired or what but I am losing it and I#feel like I don’t have it in me to drive any fucking more this trip and the way back is only just beginning#and in less than hour were supposed to check out of this hotel and go to my aunts for a big family celebration of my brothers graduation and#Mother’s Day and I’m going to see all my family who still has a fucking father and I want to be fucking dead I hate all of this I hate it#I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it
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