#now i have to pick up my medications
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*destroys universe*
It's one of those days.
#personal#ughhhhh#woke up grumpy and have been grumpy the whole day despite my best efforts#i even got my official name change documents#and honestly all i feel about it is just glad they finally got it done in time for this stupid move#i barely even feel happy or celebratory#now i have to pick up my medications#but it's fucking packed#i am just so tired#so exhausted from everything#i barely have enough motivation to get these simple things done#vent
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You know, when I kept getting asked "so you didn't ever have severe pains before now?" in the hospital and I kept replying "I have a high pain tolerance" I meant it. However, there is only so much pain my tiny 4'9" body can hold... (aka I am sweating and in agony bc I'm getting told to use LESS severe pain meds so I don't rely on them too much and it is AWFUL)
#moe talks a lot#i was shaking earlier and despite the fact i sound like im gonna cry#and the fact that my mom can pick out im about to cry from pain bc im trying to take less pain meds#LIKE MY MOM IS INSTRUCTING ME TO DO#shes like well why arent you taking any pain meds#BECAUSE THERE ARE TWO AVAILABLE OPTIONS AND ON A SIX HOUR TIMER#i cant take both at once or else what happens to me if i hurt before the six hours is up#i have to manage them in a way that allows me to benefit from both and being told im doing it wrong#after being told well its your fault it got so bad because you never complained about pain before#YEAH NO JOKE? REALLY? I NEVER DID? because everyone acts like im too young to feel that kinda pain#oh youre hurting? just wait until youre older#and its currently agony to breathe again but that i guess is also my fault bc im trying to use pain meds#holy moly i just want to not get dizzy standing up cause wow dang#sure would be nice if the multiple incisions in my stomach didnt THROB every time i sneezed or coughed or cleared my throat#but since i didnt use much pain meds before because i would be mocked for being too much of a baby its like#welp damn now i could really use some and im being called out for being too reliant#anyway time to sleep more because that means im not noticing my pain#im literally smaller than most children and so i do understand my body size makes people worried about the medication intake#but can i please just go a day without being asked how much im taking or when i last took it or if im gonna cry#anyway sorry for the excessive rant today never really had surgery or anything so this is brand spankin new suffering
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the wild flip side of Mello's derangement towards Gevanni is that, in a no-Kira universe, i personally think Near could be almost as bad (at least internally) towards L over Mello. similar situation in that i think L has... not so much interest in Mello generally, & absolutely no interest in him sexually. i also can't really picture Mello's interest in L being sexual in nature, but Near is sitting there watching the fawning and hero worship on the verge of popping a blood vessel about it. imo. imqho. also, L finds this fun, is vaguely charmed by Near's hatred and bloodlust toward him, and possibly occasionally exacerbates the tension on purpose when he's bored. BYE
#this may be very obliquely featured as a dynamic in an upcoming work#neallopost#one of my more controversial takes possibly but i find it REALLY fun#meronia#no kira au's my. beloved. my wife#OKAY I HAVE TO GO PICK UP MY MEDICATION RIGHT NOW. BLAST ME WITH LASERS IF I'M HERE BEFORE 5:30PM EST
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RULES: make a poll with 5 of your all-time favorite characters and then tag 5 people to do the same. See which character is everyone's favorite! (tagged by @seaweedstarshine)
Tagging (don't worry if you don't want to/have done it already!): @transgenderdoctorwhomst @27-27-gruff-triplets @quietwingsinthesky @lost-tardis-room @a-shard-of-quartz-lol
#rose rambles#thank you for the tag!!! :D#like Tree I tried to keep it to one per fandom#which meant I had to pick one from doctor who...#if I'd kept it to just dw It'd be Nine/Rose/Amy/Clara/the Master#also for the characters with the & symbol#its because both characters are Very Strongly Associated#Grima is the dragon/deity that possesses Robin in fea that he was like#born to be the vessel of. You usually prevent it from happening but the DLC/future story has it happen#and the story is preventing an event that by one view already occurred#as for Hermes and Fandaniel. Hermes was the ''full'' soul who took on the position of Fandaniel#and Fandaniel as mentioned on the poll refers to the soul piece in ''modern'' time that takes on the mantle of Fandaniel and body of Asahi#and has the memories of Fandaniel#but doesn't fully identify as Hermes#Fandaniel#or his most recent life Amon#he wants to blow up the world to end reincarnation👍#might as well explain the other two then for doctor who followers uhh#Jin is part of STREGA#a group of teens that were experimented on to awaken their Personas artificially#which is slowly killing them (their psyche is physically lashing out at them). So they also. Try to end the world.#The kids are left taking ''persona suppressors'' which is an experimental medication that is both the only thing keeping them alive and is#also slowly killing them. It doesn't get the chance to kill Jin though.#he's one of 3 (4 if you count the light novel) surviving kids out of 100 from the experiment and by the end of the game only Chidori is lef#And now Will Graham.#You probably all know Will Graham. And I have rambled long enough. But he's the origin of one of my names.#Most of these guys are villains thats just sort of how these themes get represented#and I'm nothing if not consistent lmao
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someone pointed out something I did the other day that I didn’t really notice I do and then I was like….. yeah why do I do that and turns out it’s stimming. And apparently I do it. A lot.
#discovering behaviors that you’ve been doing your whole life that people found weird and annoying is stimming is fun!#… haha. ha.#person at work last night: is your shoulder feeling ok? I saw you kind of holding it#me who is constantly putting my left hand on my right shoulder: uhhhhhh…. no. I don’t know why I do that#me googling it about 30 mins laters: 🧍♀️#I mean on the one hand it’s nice that they’re adhd behaviors rather than like…. moral deficiencies I guess#but now I can’t unsee it#it’s an innocuous behavior that is going to make me super self conscious now#I’ve seen… very few (I can think of 2 on the top of my head) docs that I know or work with#that I’ve seen do stuff like this. but they’re both men and they’re both clearly hyperactive adhd#maybe other people are medicated or just better at masking#it’s nice to have a nice to a lot of the struggles of my entire life honestly#but it’s not like it makes it not a struggle or makes people mroe sympathetic#like my husband has the classic hyperactive adhd#and my forgetfulness and messiness drives him absolutely crazy#but his hyperactivity and emotional volatility drives ME crazy#and telling my mother about the diagnosis and what it means and she’s like#’oh I totally have that too!’ yeah maybe you do#but see it was YOU that told me I was a bad person for forgetting things#and YOU that said I was lazy and a slob for having difficulty keeping things organized#and YOU that would smack my hands when I’d pick at my nails and tell me it’s a disgusting hav#and YOU that STILL tells people that your physician daughter ‘gives up on everything!’#…….. do I have some bitterness to work out maybe#🤔#what was this about?#oh yeah anyway. I hope people don’t notice I do this shit#and if they do they don’t know what it means#….uh.#personal?
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man
#i do wonder if my parents actually love me or if they love the idea of what i could have been#i want to hug child me and tell them it'll be okay that we're still alive#you went through so much you were so hurt and so misunderstood#nobody knew what to do with you#and now we have to pick up the pieces of you and hope for the best that we can keep the grown up version of us alive#you didn't deserve any of this little one#how could you tell a small child they were an attention-seeking manipulator for being in pain#how could you blame hallucinations on being *gifted*#and how could you ruin our two tries at therapy with saying we appeared perfectly normal to them#weve had extreme documented mood swings since we could walk how could you think we were just gifted don't you know this ignorance is a curs#i don't know what you did wrong but all three of your kids expressed suicidal ideation by age 8 despite doing your best#how could you try your best and still *fail*#why do i have to pick up the pieces of a child forcibly infantilised yet forced to grow up so fast#why isn't our suffering acknowledged#how did you make us so scared to inconvenience anyone how did you convince us we don't deserve medical care because were not ill#how did you convince us we don't need stuff yet make us yearn for physical objects#how did you make us feel so irredeemably evil for simply existing
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personal vent time!
i HATE this fucking post!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
#yeah no sugar addiction does exist. hate to break it to you#and thank actual fucking god they didnt say that in the meeting!#you know how i know? it runs in my family. im on medication from my doctor to help reign the addictive tendencies that run in my family#my aunt has to go to meetings like anyone else would for alcohol and is 20 years off eating sugar (added) because it ruined her life!#crazy!#anyway! shut up please!#no sugar is not evil#no an increased craving or having a sweet tooth does not indicate addiction#but it sure does exist!#it can be detrimental just like alcohol can!#i live with seeing my fathers side of the family still picking their lives up because of addictive tendencies. theres not a single one of m#aunts/uncles/dad who doesnt struggle#idk it literally makes m just. shake every time i see this fucking thing#its true in som cases but saying sugar addiction isnt real in the processed form we're given it??#okay anyway im normal now i just. rhrjhf#vent
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hm
#ramble tag#more like vent tag but i refuse to have one of those you can just ignore me you are smart#like seriously dont read this unless you really wanna and are snooping#i think there's something wrong with my brain#the executives have really refused to function#or some such nonsense i don't know i am just saying things#if i blame it on a vaguely medical sounding problem i feel less personally responsible about it#its been roughly 4 days#the hours are slipping away like sand through fingers#and i cant Do Anything#its infuriating#i can only Think about all the work i need to do but i Can't Do it#i only have 6 days left probably less i dont know the exact deadline and i have made No progress and i know i just have to Start#but like every time there is a slightest huccup i just get pulled away from the task and oops its dark out now!#and its like i dont even care#i am not sad or scared or angry except i know i should be so its like a ghost of a feeling#i dont want to die and dont want to live if i could i would just sit and read or even just think alone with my mind for a week straight#after i post this i will open the document pull out the tablet and start again i need to Start#aughhhh#how am i even an adult human person#this cant be how real human people live nothing would ever get done and we would starve to death#people here like to say that ooh 20 is not an adult that doesn't count but like#if i was less of a dumbass i would be living if not on my own then not with my parents#and i cant imagine surviving like that#that might be part of why that didn't happen#i am straight up just not an independent person right now#i have been avoiding booking an appointment to cut my hair for half a month#and avoiding scheduling to pick up the piercings I Wanted for 2! maybe 3! i dont know anymore!#okay this ends here#not the moping the tags
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im having a bad stressful week. i would fucking destroy a bag of cheddar & sour cream ruffles right now
#its actually the only thing that could fix me#personal#i had a fraudulent charge made on my credit card so i had to cancel it#my medical insurance is lapsed and i dont know WHY so i cant use it and no one will return my phone calls#i still have three teeth i need fixed and i cant afford it out of pocket so i need said insurance. lol#and my mom has been sick for a while now but shes getting progressively worse and wont let us help#so i was GOING to go pick my sibling up this weekend and bring them to mom's with me so we could have a conversation about like. getting-#-her more help but i asked mom if we could visit this weekend thru text on monday morning and she still hasnt opened or replied to me#which like. could mean nothing#but also lol what if something happened and no ones told me yet! what if she fell and hit her head again. who fucking knows#also ive been working 6-7 days a week lately <3 hell on earth#anyways blah blah will probably delete im just so. burnt. the kind where youre in the kitchen making coffee and then suddenly youre sobbing
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I got my
✨🌟MEDS!🌟✨
#mine#finally got back on adhd meds#after two years of being off#one dr's office wanted me to wait until November to get them#(when i started the process at the end of July)#and they wanted me to get assessed for adhd again even though it's very clear that i have it#so when my assessment got pushed back another month i called my old dr office#even though my old dr isn't there anymore they at least had my disorder on record#so i figured it wouldn't take as long#and yup#i went in and said I'd like to get back on concerta 27mg#got asked a few things like how long I'd been on it before#and then had to do a drug test since it's a controlled substance#and my prescription was sent in and ready to pick up last night#i picked it up first thing this morning and took one when i got back to the car#it's now been a couple hours and I'm definitely feeling medicated babey
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#im having so much anxity about tomorrow#and also the next week or two#tomorrow theres just a lot going on#i scheduled 4 different appointments for cleaning estimates#which are only 15 minutes#but they are different driving diatances and i also have therapy and also have to drive to the vet to pick up more medicated cat food#and also tomorrow the doctor calls so we can figure out archies surgery#which is suppose to be Wednesday#but im going to ask if its possible to move it to next week#because im suppose to be camping this weekend with my sister#and weve planned it for the last 6 months and i never get to see her#and seeing her now feels especially important and necessary for my mental health#anyway this all feels extremely stressful#also just the outcome of this surgery for my kitty in general feels very stressful#oy
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maybe now that i have adhd meds i can attempt Language again
#i mean ok i had them before but different ones & they didnt work. but i think what im on now is what i was on in hs & those Did work#(& then i stopped bc i was like well i am not in school anymore i dont need these. & then. i moved out. and oops i do need them actually)#(unfortunately due to the adhd & also my medical records having gone fucking missing somehow(???) it um. took a while)#but ough i must learn words......... i just need to Actually set aside time for it . and like keep a fucking notebook im not making the#mistake i made with french where i start out like oh this is easy :) & then it gets harder but i havent been taking any notes & now idk How#& so i just give up. we are not doing that this time we are taking notes From The Start and figuring out what works .#but...... probably not this month. this month is Busy. maybe august..........#thats actually a little bit of a lie bc i Have already started theres a podcast w some basics that i have on my work mp3 player#buuuut its been a minute & also Because i only listen to it at work im not really able to pick up on everything. so im basically still#kind of starting from scratch lmao.#honestly my biggest complaint w the podcast is that like. while it does have a sheet w the translations it doesnt have Pronunciation & bc i#have auditory processing issues i cant actually figure out How they are saying certain words just by hearing them.... bc i dont know that i#actually hearing them Correctly. fucking cannot identify sounds disorder killing me over here#doesnt help that its a language where pronunciation is Quite Different than english lmao......#i did find a pronunciation cheat sheet online somewhere & i . bookmarked it? downloaded it? sent myself a link on discord? fuck idr#but i also dont know if theres significant differences in dialect between the two. idk what dialect the cheat sheet was even made.. for? in#whatever ykwim its 6:30am i need to sleep
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adding this to the list of Severely fucking stupid absrad deaths
BUT!! (under cut so as to not Clog)
we fucking got there in the end baby
(did a couple tries for radiant, then was Swept Away by the Migraine. We’ll get there.)
#z talks#hk#hollow knight#uhhhh. yeah i sat and played for like 6 hours (with a lunch break). relevant is also that i Slept for 6 hours (max).#and the whole day i had a headache sneaking up on me and i was like. Nooooo it’d just a tension headache I don’t have any migraine symptoms#(voice of guy who’s stubbornly ignoring their light and sound sensitivity to keep fighting absrad)#And then eventually it. Got so bad i couldnt focus on the game anymore. And i was like. Ok thats it no more game.#And then went to pick up a package (literal 300m walk) Both bc it was the last day to pick it up And to be like ok. If this is a tension -#- headache itll get Better. If it’s a migraine itll get Worse.#I’m fine the walk THERE. But then about halfway home it’s fucking Go Time for the migraine lmfaoooooo#(it was also Hot. and Sunny.)#by the time i got home i was like a solid. 9. on the uh. 1-10 pain scale. GREAT.#anyway then i took my prescription sumatriptan BELOVED and it got better within the hour and now im down to like a . 1-2#which is so insanely good like. that never happens to me even when i DONT have a migraine. LMAO#anyway. this has been the fucking. Daily ted talk about my chronic migraine#dont worry a 9 isnt. Well it is a lot. But it’s not NEW .#happens occasionally#it hurts a Fucking Lot#i didnt even clock it as a 9 at first i was like. god… why would an 8 hurt this bad…#and then i iced my head for 15 minutes and it got better and i could think better and was like. wait no THIS is the 8. THAT was a NINE#im just glad i have fucking medication for it now#before i had to survive on PARACETAMOL. didnt do jack shit#had i not had the sumatriptan i Would still be in that much pain and probably writhing in bed unable to sleep lmfao#unmedicated chronic migraine Not Fun. do not try at home.
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hey siri how do I stop feeling gutwrenchingly anxious in the guilt way for using the treatment methods available to me to not be in constant misery
#starlight personal#it’s very bizarre to have my life going objectively well - work is good! personal life is good! family is good!#and still be very mentally ill and feel like I’m faking it even though I know damn well I ain’t scream-sobbing every couple of days alone in#my apartment for attention because What Attention??? my cat????? Bug is never moved by my tears she cares only for string and wires#like I know that cannabis has been immensely helpful to getting me to fucking sleep on a regular schedule and that’s integral to -#my functioning and I know that having emergency klonopin in the event of a total breakout is helpful#and I KNOW that my PMDD and depression and anxiety are very treatment resistant and ketamine is the only thing that’s provided any -#meaningful relief and logically I know I’m not abusing any of these#I’m getting a promotion at work I still go out to see friends regularly I have hobbies I have a girlfriend (??? Wild right)#like clearly these things are working because i’m better now than i was for years leading up to now#SO LIKE. DON’T STOP USING THE THINGS THAT HELP. LOGICALLY THIS MEANS THESE ARE GOOD FOR ME#I always roll my eyes when ppl go off their meds b/c they’re feeling better like babes that’s what the meds are meant to do#if you stop taking them you stop feeling better - but it’s REALLY HARD to get past the cultural conditioning#the feeling that ‘but I can white knuckle my way through this I can force myself to live without’ like WHY BITCH#WE DON’T HAVE TO LIVE WITHOUT#AND ALSO. WE’RE STILL GENERALLY MISERABLE BRO. EVEN WITH OUR LIFE IN A BETTER PLACE!!!#DO YOU NOT THINK THIS MEANS THAT WE SHOULD USE WHAT WE KNOW WORKS TO BE LESS MISERABLE#basically it’s really hard to not feel like a loser when the only things that help are ‘fun’ drugs like weed and psychedelics#I feel like I’m being a hedonistic reprobate which 1) is actually kinda cool now that I wrote it out#2) @ myself were not a good enough liar-faker that every medical professional we see wouldn’t pick up on that if that was our motivation#time to remind myself that it’s arrogant to think I could trick many trained professionals without actively trying tbh#that generally helps me get out of my self-pitying ‘ohhhhh I’m awful and lazy and bad and abusing substances’ spiral#to be very mentally ill on main it is weirdly reassuring to be like ‘just as my fanon interpretation of obi wan kinda hates himself but is -#practical enough to take care of himself even when it makes him cringe and want to scratch his face off; I too am aware that self-care is -#radical and punk and In Fact Necessary to beat back the dark and live in the light with hope so yes even though I doubt and -#feel squiggly and guilty about it I’m not going to NOT prioritize my health and well-being b/c self-hatred and self-denial benefits no one’#thank you inner obi wan i love projecting my issues onto you mwah mwah mwah smooches for my favorite boy!!!!!#and smooches for me I’m going to be proud of myself gosh darn it even if I have to fake it at first#see I wouldn’t be able to be nice to myself like this if I hadn’t been doing ketamine treatment for a year IT WORKS BRO KEEP IT UP#SCHEDULE THE DAMN APPOINTMENT AND CLEAN YOUR BONG
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#ok minor stress rant that I’ll delete later but just have to vent#I house sat for two weeks for this professor and it was the most stressful and intensive dog sitting I’ve ever done#because they failed to mention all three dogs are rescues with severe medical issues including heart failure#it was. a lot.#I finally get back home yesterday after making the house spotless and I guess I figured I’d get paid yesterday which was maybe naive#instead I find out someone charged $500 to my card fraudulently so I had to get my card frozen#so I’ve had no access to ANY money since yesterday#last time this happened I called my bank and they sorted it out quickly and while on the phone they got me a new card and set it up#and even helped me add it to my digital wallet#this time I called and the girl sounded so confused and said she issued me a new card but to check out their app and I could do all that#except every time I use the app it says the system is down. so I still have no way to access any of my money.#keep in mind this is a hometown credit union so I can’t just run to a branch and pick one up#so I am now on day two without access to money#to make matters more annoying the prof said they’d reach out today to set up payment.#I waited all day until 5 pm and nothing? so I texted to ask if they got home alright or if I can do anything else#and he thanked me and said no I did amazing and it’s much appreciated#and then just. ended the conversation.#like???#sir you put me through HELL for two weeks. I had to give your dogs three baths because of the stuff they got into#you failed to mention your dogs’ complicated medical histories or that one is currently dying#like is it. is it so absurd to expect to be paid the day you say you’re going to pay me#not like I could access it anyway.#I hate this
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augh i need to get a new phone, and i need to give my doctor a form so i can get accommodations for the GRE, and i need to contact people for letters of recommendation, and i need to get my car smogged, and i need to make an appointment for a sleep study, and i need to get a livescan done like three months ago, and i need to fill out a thing for my master gardener project, and i need to scout out areas that are safe and legal to shoot some arrows and also maybe make a lesson with the local range to clean up my form, and i need to reach out to some local falconers so i can flush game for them and whatever and be best friends forever, and also get ear drops again for my recurring double ear infections lmao, and probably about 400 other things.
sigh. what if i... didn't.
#and what if i went to sleep under a shrub and made myself a little nest with brush and pine needles instead#i started whittling and oh my god my hand is so sore lmao#and i can't get a handle on how to sharpen this fuckin knife#this is unrelated to my various woes but i am simply having a nice time making a camel out of a block of wood :)#FINALLY picked up a rotary tool recently so i guess i could sand off some material and then carve more of the detail but that feels wrong#guy who doesn't have a bandsaw voice or whatever lmao#and now i can also make some lockpicks :)#also my doctor was like yeah i talked to some other guys at my clinic vaguely about your case and#they were all like why aren't you using [MEDICATION THAT INSURANCE IS FIGHTING US TO THE DEATH OVER NOT APPROVING] :)#cool maybe this sleep study will be enough effort on our part to push them to give me the Being Awake medication#the Gulf War Fighter Pilot medication#only so far that Panera Lemonade That Kills You can carry me you know?#everything feels impossible but also if i'm not forever occupying myself with these things i want to be dead lmao#prattling about the self
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