#now I’ve made myself sad again
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A few thoughts, that turned into a personal essay and then some rambles.
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It’s been a few days since the NCIS: LA series finale aired, and I think I’m finally ready to compose a few more coherent thoughts than “baby!” and “I’ll miss them”.
At the time I began watching the show (just after the sixth season ended), I had recently graduated with my bachelors degree and was whiling away the summer with a part time job, and wondering what I would do with my life (and brand new degree). I first discovered the show after seeing a few posts online about Densi. I figured I’d give it a try, having no idea what I was about to get myself into.
The first season dragged a little for me until one Detective Marty Deeks entered the picture. With his addition, I looked forward to every episode and quickly burned through all the available seasons. I literally woke up some mornings, anticipating the moment I could get home from work to watch more.
LA was also the series that inspired me to get more involved with fanfiction, first seeking out every fic related to the Descent/Ascension arc, then searching out my favorite authors on Tumblr, and eventually trying my own hand at writing about my favorite characters.
I never expected to find a wonderful group of fellow fans, new and old, to discuss, rant, and rave (in a good way) about Deeks, Densi, Kensi, and so forth in the process. This community’s encouragement and support gave me the confidence to keep writing, even when it seemed laborious and futile. They lured me out of my silent lurking to participate in discussions, fan events, and fic exchanges.
Eight years ago, I would never have anticipated that I would have so many online friends or that I would write several hundred thousand words of fanfiction dedicated to my favorite characters. Or have the confidence to profess my undying affection for Marty Deeks at every chance.
This show, these characters, these friends, saw me through hard days at work, the boring days, sad moments, and kept me going for the entirety of my graduate studies.
We celebrated, raged, complained, cried, and sometimes shared group anxiety together over this show.
This is what this show has meant to me. I know that we will continue to celebrate and enjoy rewatches together and connect in other ways, but I still feel a great loss with this show’s ending.
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Mad that they removed seemingly every trace of Misako do you know how badly I want to see her interact with Arin so they can bond over being spinjitsu-doers without elemental powers. Off to make five billion hcs now goodbye
#i hadn’t even noticed it at first#but yeah they even removed montgomery from lloyd’s full name#anytime he says the full thing it’s only ‘’lloyd garmadon’’#what did they do to her :(#(i guess i’ve tried to ‘’console’’ myself that the reason they’re not looking for her is because.. she’s dead? idk#i don’t want her to be dead really but it’s the only way i can say that they would not look for her because they know she’s gone#(sorry for the random angsty ass hc i’m sad again now))#ninjago#lego ninjago#dragons rising#ninjago dragons rising#ninjago arin#arin ninjago#misako ninjago#ninjago misako#i’ve made my peace with her and now i just want her back :/#ninjago hcs#cable hcs#< ig? in the tags i suppose
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i haven’t been here much recently, and i’m sorry i’ve only been negative on the off chance i’ve been online, but let me just say one last piece before the end of this month, so that maybe the next might be better….
#or maybe my time here ends w this month…i’m not sure i guess it all depends on how i feel but as of right now#everytime i think i'm fine i open tumblr and immediately am sad again the whole app has become my doomscroll at this point#i got a notification on a random talking post from a while ago and it felt like reading the words of a completely different person#lately i find it difficult to find any joy here at all when it always feels so lonely… a type of loneliness i’ve never experienced before#everyone always has ppl interacting w them who are interested in their stuff or are always sent things that are reminiscent of them....#i’m always praised for remembering stuff abt other ppl but i wonder if anyone remembers anything abt me#what is it about me that is so forgettable am i dull am i uninteresting did i not solidify myself enough do you guys just not like me lolz#but i don't want this to come across as guilt tripping or being ungrateful to what i do have because ik comparison is the death of joy but#it's still hard to watch when it's so in your face and it makes me think if ppl only talk to me because they feel obligated to#because anyone can say empty words.... i wish my perception of things didn't turn bitter i wish i hadn't become so jaded but#over and over i've felt irrelevant cast aside overshadowed and i cannot exist in a place where i feel like i'm a ghost in the corner#idk i've never felt like This before and i'm at least glad it's something i can walk away from by just....leaving...#sad that this used to be somewhere i can run away To but now it's become somewhere i want to run away From#i don't know...even if i get over whatever this is...things will never be the same for me... i just don't think i belong here#if only i had never made this blog then i would have saved myself a world of turmoil
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I saw the white/blue/gold in the other ask and my mind immediately went to this dress:
Senator Shockwave could have taken a picture of himself where his plating's color is so hard to determine that it accidentally starts a controversial discussion all over Cybertron.
You can ignore this, it was just a fun thought.
“Oh my gosh ye— wait. That’s probably not possible because…science.” <- my initial reaction
Reality aside, that would be hilarious.
But also! Imagine this: The Senate had an account on whatever social media network existed at the time.
Each senator was given access to it when it was their turn, and it was their job to make the Senate look good in some way during their time running it. (A month, a quarter of a year, whatever)
Being more than a little vain with a revolutionary streak, Shockwave had other ideas. lol
Dai Atlas: Remind me again how you got banned from running the Senate’s account?
Shockwave: Supposedly, I was posting “personal content” too often. My frequent posts about my paint jobs weren’t well received. Neither were my “inappropriate” posts about interesting things and people who caught my eye.
Dai Atlas: …I see.
#now I’ve made myself sad again with a Shockwave headcanon#his turn running the account would be a nightmare for almost everyone else on the Senate haha#asking pointed questions to random strangers to get them thinking and posting their answers anonymously#passive aggressive posts about things in the Senate he disapproved of#posting random things he finds beautiful#stuff like that#asteroid belt of asks & answers#senator (affectionate)
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small talking to myself kinda post pay no mind
#I’ve been wondering a lot about myself and my place in things again lately#Been thinking about my identity and who I want to present as and how I act#Someone who I used to consider my best friend broke me down so miserably that I’ve grown to hate myself for everything-#that they would shit on me for.#It makes me think about when I was like that to someone I cared about#And it makes me really fucking sad#I’m proud to say I’m not that person anymore but knowing I invited it back into my life-#through another person that I continuously made excuses for#It’s like I felt obligated to be miserable as some stupid egotistic self righteous karma#And I truly hate that. I hate that I let it go on for so long because I hated myself too much to change it#It’s okay now but I still reflect on it often#I’m constantly wondering if I’ll go back to being shitty or if I’m letting myself be abused again#It’s messed with my view of myself. My view of my looks. Of my gender. Of my trauma#Of my humor. Of my tastes. Literally everything#I haven’t been able to repair my trust with myself enough to trust others and it fuckin blows man#It sounds stupid saying it out loud I guess#But I can’t keep bottling it or I might implode#I think that things will be fine with time and continued effort#Just need to spend some time really thinking about where I want to be in the future#I think I want to start therapy but voluntarily this time#Maybe a professional will be able to help me sort it out#vent#rant
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my roommate cut my hair for me tonight and at first i was (secretly) sad because it is wayyyyy too short but then i realized. i literally just got the 1989 chop. like this was all meant to happen this way
#nooo bc like 😭 it is NOT her fault. it is entirely my fault#i have curly hair (maybe i should start straightening it just to fully live out the aesthetic lmao) and i made the rookie mistake of showing#her where i wanted it to fall when it was DRY#and on top of that obviously when it comes to hair cutting everyone is always doing too much#but my friend is soooo cautious and gets anxious about these things so i honestly thought she wouldn’t do enough#and would kind of ask me while doing it in increments#like last time when i had my roommate cut my hair i couldn’t even tell that she did ANYTHING#but anyway yeah she definitely went shorter than where i pointed which already was faulty in the first place because i forgot how much it#would curl up#i mean i’m actually happy because it’s been frustrating me how absolutely tangled it’s been getting so that’s a relief#but i’m mostly sad because it’s about to be halloween#and i wanted my dead ends GONE for halloween because i am being barbie. who has notoriously perfect hair!#and they definitely are but i also lost all my length#like i’m trying to tell myself it’ll grow back soon but the last time my hair was this short was maybe like two years ago#and i’ve missed my long hair so bad it was finally starting to come back#but now it’s gone again and i have to start all over ☹️ and my barbie hairstyle options are severely limited#i will probably do braided pigtails#mine
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do you ever feel like you aren’t actually feeling an emotion, just thinking about it?
#delete later#I think I dissociated a bit too much or smth and now I’m wondering if I’ve been simulating humanity my whole life#but also like. every time I feel something I tend to like. actively think about it#like I don’t just get sad feel sad cry and move on#if I’m sad or anxious or etc etc I will Think About it.#like intellectualize my emotions?#like I’ll actively think about what made me sad and my mind will string together like. lines of text describing all my symptoms of sad#or whatever emotion#like I’m writing the feelings into myself. like I’m some kind of robot trying to feel the most sad#or again. whatever emotion#like I’m trying to capture the emotion#anyway just kind of felt. blank. out of nowhere and caught myself thinking abt it like I was trying to fill in a different emotion#idk#I’m shutting up now
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Ok yeah I’m a little obsessed with them
#keese draws#oxygen not included#jackie stern#olivia broussard#I’m experiencing joy and whimsy allow me to be cringe for a time#anyways ferret jackie snuggling with her tail is my favorite image now#and olivia eating pecha berry is my second favorite look at her#if I’m the only one making fanart of these two I must train myself to go insane over my own art it’s for my own survival#even if I don’t have the motivation to make a full drawing rn#plus it’s good practice for me to get better at sketching sketching is usually big biggest roadblock to making the pieces I wanna make#anyways I was nowhere near consistent with sizes here but I like to imagine that olivia is significantly smaller than jackie#jackie is very large by furret standards and olivia is very small by bibarel standards#again didn’t draw that well here since I was being lazy with jackie but just imagine I did draw it well#honestly it’s going to be a miracle if I ever get around to designing anyone else in this au I have favorites#plus some of the ideas I have are going to be. annoying to excecute to put it mildly#it’s my own fault no one is forcing me to make ada an aegislash but I’m going to complain abt it anyways#although tbh liam as a panpour is probably going to be harder for me since at least I have a silhouette in my head for ada#and then there’s yanma ari and kabuto hassan who are deceptively easy sounding#as in my gut says oh yeah that’s easy but my brain says oh this is going to be hell#otto as flaaffy is another one that Should be easy but I know it’ll be hell since I have no ideas for their shapes#and I’m never drawing mi-ma since for some ungodly reason my brain decided to cling to making her metagross#and then my only other idea as of now is galvantula ellie but I’m not set in stone on that one#honestly if anyone has suggestions for the other scientists feel free to shoot them at me#or just wants to share what they’d make any of them even if it’s the guys I’ve already decided on I’m still not set on some of them and#it’s fun hearing other ppls ideas#real sad thing for me is that this is probably going to be pmd au number 2000 without any good zorua candidates 😔#nails comes close but the shapes man the shapes don’t call to me#also color pallet would be hell I’m sorry bestie but your hair is such an ugly color#ohhhh wait what if I made them a trubbish…. that could work honestly#I’ll also totally need to make someone a vanilite as the worlds number one vanilite defender
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#hello dead dash it’s almost 2am and I’ve made myself fckn sad because I decided to go through my old art portfolio#because I used to like??? be pretty good I think???#and it made me think about what I might have been able to create if I just kept at it after hs#and ngl I miss it so much my heart kinda hurts#ya know#I might try to pick it up again if I can get out of my own head about being incredibly out of practice#I just remember being such a perfectionist about it#and idk how I’d handle the reality of deteriorated talent lmao#idk I just#feel some type of way now#ooc *:･ﾟ✧#mobile mun#tbd prolly#vent cw#kinda#personal cw#kinda pt 2
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I’m sad, I’ve had a bunch of fun cool ideas sitting in the back of my head since like new years which I wanted to use for rare pair week, but like life has been kicking my ass so I didn’t have time to even start anything and now it’s over :( guess they will just keep living in my head until next year
#this is if I’m also not dying next year… which is unlikely#don’t do what I do. don’t work full time and do school full time. especially when you’re doing a dual graduate degree program. I’m in hell#brain screams#it especially makes me sad cause when I started writing fics in the summer it made me SO happy to be writing again!!!#especially about sailor moon!!! one of my special intrests and fav shows of all time!! it makes my brain SO HAPPY!!!#as I keep telling myself - just cause I don’t make these things now doesn’t mean I can do them in the future. my ideas will still be there#I can write the fics I want and finish the YouRube videos I’ve started. I can make silly little doodles and comics and short animations#I can take my Venus plus on hikes and exploring and to wonderful places!! we can go to museums and cafes and concerts!!#we can go to the ocean and climb mountains and get lost in the forest and get muddy and wet and cold and sit by campfires and climb on logs#I can take my not fully fleshed out idea of using her and my other plushes to make a sort of live action stop motion skit video!!#I want to be creative and free and have fun and live my life and pursue my passions!!#but rn… all i do is work. work and homework and class and homework. until I’m so fatigued I can’t walk and I can’t sleep and I can’t think#to be real watching the anime and having the codename: sailor v and stars arc of the manga is like one of the few things getting me through#when I’m so tired I can’t think I have those as comforts so I’m not sitting on the couch wanting to die#I find so much comfort in existing in the space of this fictional universe and I draw strength from the characters#like sailor moon helping me get through some of the hardest fucking shit I’ve ever done in my life. and helping me remember to love myself#also lowkey helping me fight off my depression and ed and substance abuse issues#I just both get so much joy and comfort from this space but also I feel I owe it so much gratitude for kinda helping me from crumbling#I want to also contribute to this space cause it gives me joy to do so and cause i want to give back and contribute to others joy as well#like it’s a combo of I love this and want to and also as a form of gratitude i want to and also to help others experience joy I want to#but… I don’t have the time or energy now. and if my life keeps going on like this. will I ever? I’ve never let myself slow down.#idk if I ever will :( oh well
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listening to “bloody mary” and forlornly imagining which lines i would put in the front of my judas novella when it was published. IF I COULD EVER PUBLISH IT
#inventing a time machine to go back and kick the shit out of 2019 me#absolutely heart wrenching that one of my favorite things I’ve ever written is totally unfit for print now#i had to ban myself from going back and rereading it for a while bc it made me too sad lmao#it’d be ‘when you’re gone / i’ll tell them my religion’s you’ btw. if it even matters#shut up myth#but then the little voice that says you can’t let anyone read anything you write ever again pipes up! and it’s okay#this one’s not special it’s just that i’m not foisting my shit on anyone ever again anyway#it’s all good. publication is a delusion of grandeur. just keep writing your little fanfics and it’ll all be okay
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i cannot stop talking huh
#oh man#finally saw my favorite band live yday but then spent today teary and in despair#the come down from all that adrenaline was so ROUGH i feel so empty and sad#like don’t get me wrong it was like a top 10 night for me i will never forget#the lead singer & i got to chat and exchange jewelry after the show and like afterwards i was full body trembling like a chihuahua like#i’ve never loved life more#but now everything feels so grey and unsatisfactory#ugh!!!!!!!!#i’m TIRED of it grandpa i’m tired of constantly planning enrichment activities for myself so i don’t leap off a building!!!!!!#also i thoufht i wss going to do a lot of wholesome hobby stuff once i moved out#like start drawing and writing and reading again and perhaps even picking back up instruments and stuff#but instead i have to schedule social interactions constantly back to back to back bc i cannot stand being alone#but then conversely when the stars aligned and my friend’s lease was ending and i wss up for transfer i was like no#i can’t do it i love being alone actually#a roommate would probably be good for my brain but at the same time i’be spent the past two years bouncing in between#stifling living conditions that never gave me my own space so now i do have to sit here and fiercely remind myself that i NEED this#anyways one ray of positivity is that i made a soup today and oh my god it is so delicious#my second soup i’ve made in this apartment and i do consider myself a culinary genius of just this genre#it’s just annoying that this is the only day this entire week that i blocked out to make myself sit in my apartment and not see anybody#but yet i’m still fiending for at least a phone call and hoping a friend texts spontaneously#i’ve been running back to back between my friends and i was like ahhhh ok i finally get a day to relax#but i do think it was a bad idea to place it right after the show bc i DEFINITELY needed company today#half the time i didn’t even know why i was crying
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just got home from school ～ ate a sandwich to cheer myself up, think i’ll play genshin for a bit and nap ... pulling on shenhe’s banner solves everything
#oh wait i'll give you a mark then! but wait no its still wrong nvm#venting a little because i’m just so bummed and silly and i was in such a good mood yesterday so like how did we get here#i failed my math test and that set my mood for the rest of the day which is dumb i know but aghh#the teacher had us add all our grades and then i was like wait theres this one question i think you mightve marked wrongly#and for a sec he was like that was so embarrassing LOL#i got a 26/30 for history — something i didn’t revise for. i got a 20/20 for my eng lit test. plus bc i did so well on my en oral exam-#-(got full marks btw) i’m being nominated to participate in this speaking thing. when my homeroom teacher found out abt this she even said:#“yeah‚ i expected mika to be a good speaker because everytime she speaks to me i...” and it was a really nice thing to hear but even after-#-all that i’m still so sad. i studied for my math exam i really did. so why did i still fail. i didn’t even pass my class this time#i prepared for a week beforehand. looked at past questions and learned things i never thought i would grasp. asked friends for help & i-#-paid attention in class i wrote down notes i did practice questions why was that not enough. looked up proper study methods and tried to-#-balance everything nicely! so why did i still fail‚ right? and i feel so disappointed in myself.#of course i made the mistake of lightheartedly complaining about this to my straight A & A* student‚ beloved by teachers‚ prefect friend#“you’ll do better! it’s not that bad!” i’m so tired. i know i’m an awful friend for being so bitter but i can’t-#-endure myself any longer. and i got home and i ate a sandwich with my sister and mom at the table and-#-my sister made a comment about how ahhh she’s in a bad mood again cuz it’s a monday !! and i hate that i’m so obviously down. i don’t-#-wish to ruin the mood or anything so like#and i have my malay oral exam tomorrow and i wrote my script wrongly apparently so i have to redo that#i’ve given up on memorizing it i just hate going to school now#and then ahhhh another project another presentation i’m so sick of this so sick of myself#i should have put this at the very start but umm! anyways please don’t reply to this or try to reassure me i appreciate it i really do but-#-i just needed a place to be silly and its already kind of embarrassing enough! so just acknowledge this and move on. thanks. love u guys#cw vent#cw negative
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pretty sure the c.diff relapsed from the penicillin i had to take 😃 i wanna blow my brains out
#at least i hope it is#if it’s my gallbladder like i originally thought i’m actually gonna kill myself#saying i hope it’s c.diff is actually insane but like#i already had it before and i know what to expect#and it’s treatable with medication i can afford now that i have insurance#cause that 5k made me lose my mind last time#the horrible ocd episode will def be part of this again which#lmfao#but yeah#idk idk#also can i be so real rn#i’ve been scared to eat bc every time i do i’m in a lot of pain#and i’m v surprised that the fear of eating + the loss of appetite i had last time didn’t develop into an ED#the way i have to skip past food videos bc they just make me sad 😭#y’all don’t understand how much i miss garlic and onion and tomatoes and saffron and#the list goes on and on of all the things i cannot eat anymore#i feel like a british person#surviving off bland beige food
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#life is hell btw.#like sorry I’m being miserable this is a fandom blog lol but like#accepting my brother is alive but I’ll never really get to be with him again has been rough idk#and that’s just the latest thing there’s so much going on right now i don’t even know where to begin#i guess the thing is that with my brother he’s the only person in my family who likes me#like he’s the only one who really cares about me and tells me that and shows me that#no one else really likes me because I’m weird and hard to be around and stuff but my brother loves me#and he’s been struggling for years we both have but he’s had addiction problems and helping him has been hard but he was doing so well#and it’s hard to explain but it gets to a point where you can’t force help on them yknow#so you just have to resort to mourning while they’re still alive#I’m sorry i know that’s evil but there’s only so much i can do and I’ve done it all#I’ve been mourning him for years and now I’m mourning again#and i just feel awful#and i know it’s selfish to think this but my birthday is next week and it’s like he’s the only one who spends the day with me#my family will always have dinner with me and stuff but my brother knows i have no friends and it makes me sad being alone on my birthday#and he’s ALWAYS made an effort to be there on my birthday and spend the day with me no matter what#and now he’s in jail and will be in prison probably for the rest of my life#idk and really this is just one of many catastrophic things going on in my life i just need a break#and my breaks are immersing myself into my books and shows and movies#so thank you everyone for all the work you’ve been producing lately i know ot sounds silly but getting to come home and read your guys fics#and look at all of your art or even just reading your posts takes away so much of my stress and feeling of impending doom and helplessness#idk i just wanted to say I appreciate you all so much#please like if you read this though i can’t really talk about this stuff with anyone i just need to be heard
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Still not over how I legitimately woke up this morning bawling my eyes out
#i made some mistakes#one of them was staying up until 2am reading a book about the world ending (and one of my favourite characters died in it)#second was just.. being born as someone who can menstruate i guess#i’m 2 days away from the beginning of the period so my emotions are already fragile#but yeah i dreamed about mabel and in the dream i was texting someone about how unfair it was that i’d never see her again (while crying)#and then i started sobbing so loudly i legitimately woke myself up and then cried into my pillow#that hasn’t happened in SO fucking long like.. why#now i’m on the verge of tears just remembering how sad it all was#and i’m like bro this is so.. stupid#i haven’t even had a bad day. or a bad week. i’ve had KIND of a bad month though i’m not gonna lie#i had fucking covid bro. but NOW i’m fine. but my hormones are just like no. it’s crying time now#like is it?? why????? surely the fact i’m not pregnant should be cause for celebration#actually it should be cause for absolutely fuck all because i know very well i’m not getting dick LOL#i am once again asking why all the biological changes. why must i cry. why am i so bloated i could barely get my leggings on today#i literally did my nails to try to cheer myself up and now i’m sad because i flooded my cuticles. i cannot WIN#personal
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