#nothing to be done and i cannot leave.
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#doodle#crappy art#emeraldotter's deer obsession continues#there is no point in talking about it#nothing to be done and i cannot leave.#make no mistake they will be lining up and shooting all of us eventually not just some
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WhatsApp simply forced an AI inside of it's app and the thing is SO UGLY. Literally ugly! There's a hovering button and it's colors aren't even in the WhatsApp colors so now the main page makes me feel so overwhelmed..... i hate it so much
#rant#->#and no i cant leave the app#whatsapp is the most used app in brazil#we simply cannot live without it. it's our communication method#telegram is filled with right wingers#ughhhhhh#now my statuses are filled with all my contacts 'having fun' with it#friends etc#feels like losing a war for real#i hate it here. i hate how everything in brazil ends up in pizza (national expression for 'every discussion will end up in a joke')#nobody really cares about nothing at all. they will fight as long as nobody spits a joke out. once someone does we're all friends again#this is why we can't get shit done#im so tired#sorry for the rant#nonsims#non sims
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the truth
#blue lock#blue lock fanart#alexis ness#ブルーロック#art#fanart#blue lock manga#my art#michael kaiser#in spirit#i think about scenarios where ness leaves kaiser#whether just to pass to isagi or for good#and i believe this is the key to kaiser's awakening#given that his “identity”/ego first appeared not out of malice but out of the desperation to protect the one thing he cared about (the ball#and of course his monologue in 260 about how he treats the ball explicitly parallels how he treats ness#which makes me believe losing ness or the risk of losing ness is instrumental in kaiser's reawakening#BUT.#kaiser is a deeply sad angry person and he cannot let the world know he's weak#so i fear that ness leaves him and instead of admitting oh maybe i do care kaiser snaps#because ness can't leave him if he pushes ness away harder right?#kaiser telling ness exactly what he was to him#exactly why he approached him in the first place#you're nothing but a dog#an experiment#because fury covers up the hurt (hurt that kaiser is even angrier that he *has*) and so the damage is done#so that's what this doodle is based on el oh el#and ness is left reevaluating every moment they've ever shared and wondering if it was real at all#(because even if kaiser did care he doesn't have the capacity to realize he did-- i do believe his behavior in 243 was genuine and proof he#-cares for ness in the only way he can he just does not understand that yet because he fundamentally does not understand kindness)#and he won't before it's almost too late
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my reaction to that information
#''sonic movie 4 coming march 2027 !!'' TAKE THAT BACK RIGHT NOWWWW#im so done with the scu. i liked the first two movies even if i was able to admit theyre flawed but i just am not having fun anymore#like you already made a god awful knuckles show that had nothing to do with knuckles#and an sa2 adaptation where you made every bad decision possible and clearly had zero respect for half the characters in the original game#can you just leave sonic ALONE already. you got your successful movie trilogy and spinoff series. surely thats enough.#and before anyone says anything about just ignoring it if im not having fun#its pretty hard to do that with how Everywhere they are and how they impact peoples perceptions of the characters#ughhh#and im not trying to gatekeep sonic or whatever#but i also cannot stand seeing waves of people who dont know a thing about sonic praising the movie#when theyre incapable of seeing whats wrong with it because they dont play the games
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*screams into the void*
#the way he like seems to be choking back a sob of emotions before he says this#he can't bear the fact that he's causing her pain#and that there's nothing he can do to stop it#even though talking openly would help her but he can't do that#because if he does he would have to be vulnerable and if he's vulnerable aelswith might think him weak#which is something he knows she abhors (even though she hates it because of her own feelings of being seen as weak and unworthy)#and he can't bear her rejection because he loves her and if she were to reject him it would destroy him#he can be this open with uhtred because its a manipulation tactic#he's using vulnerability to get uhtred to do what he wants and thats why he can be so open in this scene. he's doing it strategically#but to be open with aelswith leaves him (in his mind) open to losing her since he's caused her so much pain throughout their marriage#and he would have to face the fact that he's done that and she might not forgive him and he can't do that#aelswith is so upset in this scene because she thinks its his final way of saying to her “you aren't worthy” when really its a tactic#to help ensure that she and their children will be safe#but they literally cannot properly communicate with each other because of all of the painful history between them#I'm going insane#I love them so much#they are everything to me#literally everything#he loves her so much#like he could not survive losing her - just the way he clings to her all throughout s3 speaks to that#I really think that because of the similarities between uhtred and aelswith uhtred's betrayal makes him start to fear that he could lose he#and he just starts to cling to her for reassurance that she'll never leave and she won't stop believing in him#ok I'm done#for now#I'm crying#your honor I love them#they mean so much to me
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black eyes
#my stuff#my writing#mein fucking goat i cannot keep having dreams about my ex and yet it is happening still#this is one of the less remarkable ones even. i’ve had two in the past month where i try desperately to give them a flatscreen tv#and one of those big ones too. like 40 inches across. i don’t own a flatscreen tv#i’ll admit it being in singapore is hitting me like a brick to the balls and i am grievously unwell#it’s like i come back and all the work i put in to deal with my anxiety and depression gets high in the woods and dies#but that’s not the point. the point is devoid of friends (in fucking america) and a hyperfixation (haven’t found anything that’s stuck)#i am full of nothing but yearning. good ol classic yearning. and i am so moved on from my ex but i keep trying to give them this fucking tv#!!!! ?????? huh????????????? mayne got………#a girlfriend or a cat would fix me. or leaving this country take your pick#working on it#i’ve made a to do list to combat my i have lost the will to do things problem#and on it is APPLY TO JOBS (note; outside singapore (note: outside america too))#i have a plan and it’s to get as far away as possible and live#we’re getting there#in the meantime here’s a funny poem#i was so. in the dream i actually wanted to see them which is crazy. top 10 bad fan characterizations#but it was a dream with a good color palette. all cool whites and grays and a deep deep blue for the night#cold cold white snow. etc. so of course i had to write about it#which i have done. and now i am going to sleep#good bye
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lol didn’t think someone giving money would give me anxiety
#to the judge that’s gonna see this case next year and the lawyer that is representing it assuming the state idk how this all works#why has the person to say the least get to go a whole year without consequence? a known criminal who after stealing from me and being#released and again getting arrest now for gang violence or some shit she was let go? she maybe associated to the group that killed that boy#last year. and here i am panicking because im afraid to carry cash. im paranoid that imma go outside and my car will be missing. i’m get#panic attacks when i drive to close to that gym and tired going back but physically cannot get out of my car and i start to cry in the#parking lot. i’m not sitting at work shaking forcing myself not to cry because someone handed me cash and i’m afraid someone is going to#steal my purse again. you think that’s not a big deal and honestly i didn’t think it was until my purse was gone. my cards stolen and used.#my key missing EVERYTHING in my purse GONE. so many things in there plus the purse i had money and all that is stuff i paid for now im out#all that cash i’m out 500$ for a key replacement i stopped feeling safe leaving my house all my non replaceable things gone and everyone#spoke to me like it was my fault and had to stand their crying while adults told me not to use a gym locker ??? but in the same breath telli#telling me this isn’t the first time she’s done this she has a warrant for her arrest she’s known to steal cars i’m the problem and there’s#nothing they can do to help me. so while i cry because all the money i had lost and never got back i had to do ALL the work to call my bank#track where my cards were being spent at call the jpay line she transferred money to look up the person she cashapped money to call the#business she was actively spending money at ask the manger if she is currently there and if they could give the police all the receipts and#video of her there for them to act like the hero’s for my brother and i tracking her down while you all belittled me#FUCK YOU AND FUCK HER i can’t be fucking normal about STUPID mundane shit i’m stuck here shaking and crying and what you tell me later it’s#not a big deal? give me all the content of your car and wallet or purse or backpack take nothing out and see what you’re left with and how m#much you need to spend to drive your car again and to tow your car home let a stranger have all your cards and address and tell me you feel#safe#OH and for the gym to tell me they know about her she used to be an employee there she doesn’t have a membership so they don’t know how she#got in and they can’t help but she did steal from another girl that night and an employee last month and who knows how many more ppl like#that’s convenient you pos sounds like she has friends that still work at the gym and open the back door for her or just let her in that’s#crazy no ? and this is all alleged because when if i lost all these things i can’t speak on what did or didn’t happen that’s some crazy bull#shit anyways the towing company felt bad for me maybe because i hadn’t stopped crying they gave me the key replacement number and told me to#mention he referred me so i could get a discount and the layman felt back for me because when i called him i started to cry and when he told#me the price i cried harder so 500$ was the cheapest but pretty much my whole check#key man*#bad** LET ME FIX TAGS#allegedly all these ppl are privileged kids from a privileged background that grew up in a sheltered community and thing there’s no#consequences to their actions because of the lack of accountability from their parents who willing pay for people to look the other way
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the thing is, hanma IS a red flag. he WILL do toxic shit. but would he also be the best fuck of your life? absolutely.
#and i know this based on experience 🙏🏻#hes the type to spend the whole night between your legs he will whisper filthy things and mix it w the right amount of praise that has you#writhing underneath him your bodys feeling so hot and you literally cannot even stare him in the eye that type of good#and once hes done going down on you he would make you sit on his lap and fvck you slowly and make sure you two make eyecontact and hed let#his thumb rub your cl!t and then slide his other hand to wrap around your neck#basically all the good stuff#and then he up and leaves like nothing happened and ghosts you for weeks just because he doesn’t feel like hanging out w you anymore#*＊✿❀talk to moon❀✿＊*#tokyo revengers#hanma shuji
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Uh...hey...I know things are really fucking awful with the election and everything but I saw your kms post and i cannot bring myself to just...scroll past that without checking in....'are you okay?' seems like such a silly question to ask right now but....are you okay?
i wont actually kms no. shits about to be really hard and really scary but i cried a bunch and now im putting in job applications so we can try to save up and leave before That Fucking Happens
#which is just. fucking. killing me because we were finally SO CLOSE to doing our name changes#and now its entirely up in the air on if we actually can#and thats killing me. killing me dude i cannot describe how much thats hurting me#ive been waiting 10 years to do this and its still just fucking slipping through my fingers i hate this. i fucking hate this#genuinely genuinely i had a plan to save up but its so out the window i might crowdsource the grand we need to both change our names#its so fucking expensive to do it here but we just. itll take time to get all of our documents reissued#and our passports too#itll be a lot of sitting on our hands before we can leave and i cant make that even longer waiting a couple months to afford our name chang#so like. the kms is real but i wouldnt ever actually do that to my husband#fuck man#weve been trying to immigrate for almost a decade i cant wrap my head around the amount of fighting weve done for like#nothing to show for it#this fucking SUCKS
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write to me
#I drew this when I was VERY stressed (days ago)#bee doodles#Tuvok/Janeway#Janeway/Tuvok#st voyager#st voyager art#letter writing and the preparation of warm beverages#Janeway & Tuvok seem like they'd call each other things like 'my other half' and 'my moral center' and 'my dearest companion' but then you#ask if they're dating and they're like Noooo. Absolutely not. and they're not but they are coming into each other's rooms at night#because neither of them can sleep well and talking about Mark & T'Pel while they lean against one another (holding the warm mugs instead of#hands - that comes later when they can pretend that maybe they were asleep)#because they're the only ones who know Mark & T'Pel - you're the only part of my old life that's here and that's a comfort and that's a#tragedy (because I care about you too much to want you here but I need you too much to wish you were anywhere else - and maybe I'm too#selfish too and too afraid to be alone) and when they're talking about Mark & T'Pel they can ignore the fact that they're leaning against#each other and how good the weight feels and how much their chests ache and how much they want more. Not even sex or a kiss but something#steady that lasts. (hold me close even if you can't tell me it'll be alright)#two people who're loyal to everything - too loyal to ask for what they want. They aren't dating because they're married to ghosts now and#to leave that haunted house would be to admit that there's nothing left there - that the grieving's done - and if the grieving's done then#the loving is too. It has to matter - it has to be present to be real (follow Starfleet rules follow Social rules follow the rules we make#up on the fly and honor as if they've been longstanding. Build a little life with me. Define strong lines we cannot cross. Look into my eyes#to make sure I'm not longing. Double check. Triple check. Don't look away. Please.)#When I want to hear your voice I'll read the words you've written - but I won't ask you to stay#Kathryn Janeway#Tuvok
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Part 1 // Part 2 // Part 3 // Part 4 // Part 4.5 // Part 5 // Part 6 // Part 7 //
i haven't forgotten about this series just yet hopefully i'll finish it by this year. anyway this is titled "joseph is dramatic for about 20 minutes"
#identity v#joseph desaulnier#identity v photographer#unconcerned comic#modern ghost au#ok maybe i did forget about it. but then i received a notification of someone liking it so i revisited this comic series#n i got invested again. i only have till the next part planned out n i dont even think i was very satisfied with the draft#i do want to finish this though i hate leaving projects on hold#if u see me being lazy with backgrounds no u didnt /j#this was simultaneously the most fun and most torturous part of the series i think#cos one of the main ideas i had was joseph getting wick to pick up the locket and making a run for it#at the same time. i hate drawing wick i cannot draw dog. sorry wick nothing personal buddy#anyway this is done. expect the next part but not anytime soon. the goal now is to have this done before the year is over
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Nothing by Emilie Autumn makes me think of. Ouro and Solei ("first one" as in, Solei leaves and such)
No way..... This is so crazy. It fits Ouro and Solei so scarily well???? How did you find this Kellie. It's genuinely almost to a T. Thank you so much for this!!!
#ouro “i make them die and i feel nothing”#“she should be dead by now with everything ive done to her”#EVERYTIME I WATCH THEM DIE IM THINKING ONLY OF THE FIRST ONE. THE FIRST ONE#solei “there is a voice telling me my time is at its end”#“others... i cannot leave them”#youre brilliant for this i thank you wholeheartedly#alnst oc: solei#guardian ouro#asks
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begging & pleading for my mother to leave me alone for just one fucking day please.
#i have had such a weekend and parts of it were very good but other parts were horrible and i am So Done.#like i genuinely just need to sit and not do anything for a day before i can be functional#i was going to bake today to at least get my cake done but i just do not have the mental energy#txt#'what are you doing' 'nothing.' 'then do something' PLEASE JSUT LEAVE ME ALONEEEEEEEEEEEEE#This is why i hate living with people i literally need days where i cannot do anythihg and the pressure makes it Worse. like#yes family is coming. yes theyre gonna be here next week. i know. I know. I KNOW. IM NOT STUPID. PLEASE JUST LET ME DO NOTHING FOR ONE DAY#I CAN DO THINGS AFTER THAT BUT OH MY GKD PLEASE. ONE DAY. THANK YOU.
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Personal
Hi.
How did you get over your quarter life crisis?
Because I’m trying not to fall into the vast unyielding void. And I’m failing hilariously.
#TAG RANT. CAN IGNORE. YOON JUST NEEDS TO GET HER THOUGHTS OUT.#filler tag to push the rest of the rant down past the cut off point.#i literally don’t know what I’m going to do with my life and I can’t decide anything.#do I stay in flowers#do I leave flowers#do I try and get into film again#do I move to Europe#or delay that and go back to school for the one thing that’s always brought me pure happiness#or do I move out of my city#but in all of this I have to consider my partner and what he wants#but I don’t know what to do. i don’t know what the right thing for me is and I can’t afford a therapist so I ramble on the internet in hopes#of a shiny beacon of something rings into my head and figures everyhting out for me#like. I’ll be 25 in April. a ways off. but I’m 25 and I haven’t done anything. i don’t know what I’m supposed to do?? i had a life plan that#was derailed so hilariously hard by COVID that cannot be mended. and this is the first time I haven’t had a plan or a solid goal and so now#I’m floating in the middle of the pacific wondering which direction to turn in hopes of finding land#i have nothing to work towards and I miss who I was. i want to be that again. i wanna be her again. but it’s so difficult to do that.#anyway. rant over. needed to get that out. thanks for reading if you did.#this actually made me feel a lot better hope moly.
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i am just. so fucking tired of my mom acting like i don't do shit and i'm useless bc i work from home
#like literally. she thinks i lie in bed all day bc by the time she gets home from work i'm done w/ my stuff#and my back fucking hurts from sitting at my desk for hours#like just because you leave before i wake up and come back when i'm done w/ tasks and am finally just relaxing does't mean i do nothing ??#but she's like. you should be working a Real job and be Out in the World and Making Lots of Money#sorry i can't do that! my body literally cannot handle being on my feet or sitting for 8 hours straight#AND i can't drive and have no way to Get To these ''''Real Jobs'''''#anyways. i'm so fucking annoyed#delete later
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DEEPLY PERSONAL POST INCOMING
Having my first (pseudo) relationship with a dom/sub dynamic has helped me realize a lot about myself in kink but also in life and what I deserve in relationships
#tj talks#dont look at the tags its just gonna be more of me talking about my emotions#away yee beasts#I loved to be dommed I love to dom I love seeing the marks the next day on me because it makes me feel so desired and wanted#but I want nothing more than to be wanted by somebody else entirely and them wanting me alone and nobody else#I'm somebody who can only do monogamous committed relationships and trying to convince myself I can do anything else just so I can keep-#-somebody in my life who doesn't treat me with the respect I deserve has only done harm to me and I wont keep doing that to myself no-#-matter how much I deeply care for this person and worry about how their own actions will harm themselves and their future life#I care about them so much and worry about how their own actions and habits will leave them alone and in a dangerous lonely life soon enough#but I'm not a mother or a therapist and I can't fix that myself. that's their own decision and if they choose to ignore the criticism I can#do anything about that#I deserve somebody who actually wants commitment and a relationship with me and true love and dedication#not somebody who will do every single aspect of a relationship with me aside from actually committing themselves to me and-#-be in a defined relationship with me so that they can fuck other girls while also taking me to meet their family and hold me in their arms#I want love. I want safety. I want loyalty and happieness#and if I never find that in another person and end up dying alone I'll be okay with that because I can find it In myself#maybe we can be friends and they'll become a better person as time goes on#maybe they'll entirely burn this bridge and hate me#but I simply cannot do the twenty something girl in a emotionally dependent situationship that makes her go insane bullshit#I'm possibly up for a promotion at work#I'm going out with my friends on the weekends#I'm about to compete is my first even actual powerlifting competition#life has been so incredibly hard but also so incredibly fun#and I'm giving myself the space to find that joy god fucking damnit#anyways- don't comitt time and emotions and love for a motherfucker who can't commit to a label#second year in a row I start off my January crying over a guy buuuuuttt we are so fucking back after this#weightlifting and writing and cocktail nights with the girlies and wearing outfits to show my biceps and smiling so hard my face hurts#anyways- if anybody needs this as a sign. you deserve so much fucking better#and maybe someday I'll find somebody who can make me feel as safe in a common relationship as they do in subspace. would be nice#already crying and I'm not even out of bed yet but I know today is the day I have to go 'hey. we cant keep doing this is unhealthy'
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