#not that theyll ever talk about it :(

[dotts-inkings]

Something about identity, and innocence

Tagging @the-quackity-competition who is the reason banquetduo exists!! Please free me from this place I can't stop thinking about them

[mueritos]

a big brain dump about autism, life, being indigenous, and whatever else is going on

so the past few months I made it a personal journey to understand my autism more (and maybe a possible ptsd diagnosis but whatever whatever whatever). and that's what i'm calling it--the autism--because no other thing makes sense for me, and while i'm parsing through childhood memories and experiences, it's definitely...a bittersweet conclusion? bitter because in a lot of ways, i dont relate to the stereotypical autistic experience because every autistic person who has clocked me was usually a White Queer. It's probably why it's taken so long to get to this point of concluding Autism is what it is. I grew up in an immigrant family as a girl, and for that reason I was expected to not be disabled and to be a completely normal and high achieving Mexican catholic girl who went to college and became a doctor or whatever. Now i'm a fag of a man doing none of those things haha.

My older brother was supposed to be assessed for ASD in his youth, and like most immigrant dads, mine decided that nothing was wrong with him and the rest is history. Except my older brother is a man riddled with childhood trauma, shame, and so much autism. Absolutely uncharted rates of autism, and while he gets some sort of pity from my parents for him ("it's all out fault" "he never got the help he needed" "cut him some slack he doesnt understand"), I can never let my own parents know about how much I struggle. Hell, I can barely show it to my own friends because even they don't understand the extent of my autistic struggles. it's actually caused continuous miscommunications, people mad at me, me mad at myself, meltdowns, shutdowns, and a lot of crying. And shame. (a peer recently even demeaned my habit of keeping to myself, despite the fact that I had actually been trying to put myself out there more)

so i'm at a point in my life where I've accepted that I can only take responsibility over how I communicate, and I take ownership over that. Accepting this responsibility allows me to keep myself safe, as I've essentially lived over 2 decades of my life feeling like I was responsible for not just my communication, but everyone else's, including all of the judgements, missed cues, failures, miscommunications, and whatever else came from it. It's definitely double empathy. Last time I truly took on everyone's communication, it nearly killed me (cue over a year of suicidality). But, in a lot of ways it's very freeing. I'm sort of detaching myself from this neurotypical/White need to socially interact with others on their terms. In other ways, it's restricting. I uh. Don't really talk to a lot of people nowadays, and there used to be days where I wouldn't say a single word out loud. But because I don't talk to as many people, I'm able to put energy into the quality of my connections and not just the quantity. Which unfortunately a lot of people take personally. They dont like you admitting that you only see them as an acquittance, or as a classmate, or something like a friend but not quite there. I find comfort knowing how people feel about me, even if its that they actually dont feel close to me. Great! Now I know! Knowing makes me feel safe! But I'm finding that people actually really fucking hate when you admit that to them, the how you actually slot them in ur brain in terms of social levels. I can understand why, but I also don't get it.

Another thing that's helped is I've changed how I do eye contact. I used to make eye contact with professors or classmates while I spoke up in class because I thought that was important. Now I've found I can actually focus more on what I'm trying to say when I don't make eye contact. My god how freeing that has been. I don't have the same anxiety as I used to before, nor do I experience all of the involuntary blushing as I did for many years of my life. It didn't matter how confident or how prepared I felt, I would just blush furiously and I fucking hate it. Now my blushing is almost nonexistent, and I say what I mean with the flat ass tone that I love speaking in because it makes me feel safe. Sure, I miss the real-time non-verbal reactions to my words in class, but it's an okay trade-off for feeling more safe in myself and more confident in the classroom.

another thing is my internship. I work with majority neurodivergent students, and many of my clients have autism, adhd, or both, and are sometimes BIPOC, trans, or children of immigrants. Man, I've been having a blast. Sure, I'm learning how to be a therapist and best practices, but screw everyone in my life who has called me "cold" "emotionless" or "heartless". I have connected with so many people on such a human level, and I have sat there and helped them hold their pain in that tiny gay office for 45 minutes every week, and even though it's only 45 minutes, i'm showing them that they're allowed to ask for help holding that pain. I have had challenging sessions, difficult conversations, and times where I wasn't sure I would know what to say. But at it's core, I know that I'm capable of connecting with the person in front of me because my autism brain is automatically in tune with the person in front of me. It is so wonderful, and overwhelming, and so confusing all at once. When people start crying in front of me, I feel tears well up in my eyes, even if I'm not actually sad with them. It shows me that I'm capable of this empathy that so many people over my life have questioned, which they questioned all because I processed things slowly, or made quick decisions, or because I was honest about how I felt.

on to being mixed indigenous. Phew. I've been trying to build more connections with other Native folk, and I have a couple who I can thankfully call friends and who have never disrespected my detribalized experience. but recently I was interviewed a few times for a fellow indigenous researcher's dissertation, and I did not expect to be chosen on account that I am detribalized. But it had been a lovely experience and I finished my final interview today. It really left me with a lot of emotions that are hard to put into words. Mourning would be one of them, as I likely won't ever know what my tribal affiliation is. Never knowing who my people were, what language they spoke, the land they lived on...I can't describe just how much it destroys me. It feels like literal death, because that's what it is. A disgusting colonial death. And it's why I abhor that of all my identities, being autistic and being mixed indigenous has been met with the most vitriol online. like i guess people can only handle the trans fag mexican dude when hes not autistic and mixed indigenous, because now I am far too ambigious for anyone else's good. though i do know better than to listen to what random people online have to say about me and my path toward reconnection/neurodivergency.

beside's that, i'm trying to find neurodivergent spaces that feel safe, and I'm trying to find ways to keep myself safe. stimming, carrying stuffed animals around, using fidget toys, engaging in my interests, listening to the same songs, eating the same foods. I've had coffee with bagel and chive+onion cream cheese for over a year now. I've listening to almost only Pearl Jam and Alice in Chains for nearly a year now. I rewatch the same youtube videos over and over again. I wear the same few outfits. I wear the same shoes everyday. I walk the same way to and from campus everyday. I try to be in nature as much as I can, and really see it. I imagine nature where it isn't, and I get emotional thinking about the life that used to be on it. I wish so badly that I was a cat, a horse, a bunny, a deer, all so I could experience life through their eyes. i'm putting trust into people, into the universe, and into myself. safety is hard to come by, but im doing my best to accept the risks of life, trying to be flexible, and learn how to sustain myself for the good of the world. I deserve to be here too.

that's about it. besides that, i'm moving to philly once i'm done with grad school ^-^

[akkivee]

here’s why kuukou and amy are twins:

hyperactive to point it sometimes overwhelms people

loves having fun and going out their own adventures and often wants to share those finds with people they like

shown to track down their crushes friends bc they want to hang out with them and are pushy about it lol

both described as troublemakers

unconditional lovers

not afraid to stand up to wrongdoings and are pretty proactive about it

both love nature

both love sweets

fashionistas!!!!!!

trains very hard to become the ideal versions of themselves

also changed their looks to match that ideal self

depicted as protectors

believers of fate

like ‘you’re my soulmate’ stage kuukou said to ichiro and amy’s tarot cards pointed to sonic as her soulmate

forever changed the trajectory of a red/black dude with love

kuukou’s name is a time marker in buddhism, amy has unrealised time powers

both try to hide their weaknesses and are very aware of them

regardless of if kuukou realises this or not lol, both use weapons despite being very strong without them

both are hotheads but can and have solved conflict with their words/actions/feelings and tend to drop whatever they were doing to help

[rearranging-deck-chairs]

looking at the 13 era books and audios like do we have to do everything our fucking selves around here

[jaal-ama-daravv]

despite the complexity and heartache of my life 12 months ago - im grateful that I have found peace, and the ability to dream and hope, and love still.

[faaun]

procrastination is starting to have its consequences finally

[lazaruspiss]

my sibling is starting to write fic and it's so. like they've been drawing for forever and never seem insecure about art. but writing is still new to them! so the fic isn't working how they want it to. i got to point at their pile of like, 20 something filled full size sketchbooks and go, look, you've made all this art, practiced all this time to be good. and how many things have you written? 3? you keep going! you keep doing it and it will be countless one day!

[spacedlexi]

Do you think Vi and Minnie were still dating when Minnie and Sophie got captured or do you think things were going awry and they broke up before the twins got captured?

they were definitely still dating i dont think we have any reason to believe they werent? like im p sure all evidence points to dating. but i definitely think their relationship was awry at that point, and they were just in a weird middle zone, at least on minnies side. minnie definitely had her frustrations if her words to vi in the woods are anything to go by, and i think violet also not having a response to it and instead just retreating says something about her/their relationship

i do think violet loved minnie and just wanted to make her happy (even if in doing so gave herself the "short end of the stick" in the relationship), and violet seeing minnie as the fish i think says a lot about how positively she viewed her (and i think her getting so flustered at clem saying shes the fish is because those are secretly traits she aspires to, but has yet to recognize in herself). i think minnies behavior towards a kidnapped violet shows us she still cares about her too even if things werent perfect. so if minnie had never been kidnapped, i dont think they wouldve ever actually split up, even if the relationship was turbulent.

what Really causes them to split is the change in the person minnie has become. violet (grief stricken and blaming herself), does not recognize this person, and doesnt like who she sees. someone who would rather hurt the people they supposedly care about to save themselves. unfortunately a kidnapped violet learns this lesson too late

[reluctanttrabbit]

somebody tell me to do my homework I CANT TAKE THISG

[taravangians-storming-balls]

Got excited all over again for kaladin and szeth interactions in kowt. Just two sad little guys having a sad little time. I hope they have so many disaster moments

[felixiskandar]

im with the shippers on this one tbqh. like why are they doing all that if carmen and syd arent meant to be

[justladders]

are you okay with suggestive art of your springtrap design?? like not vulgar i just wanted to draw a joke.

Not saying I do or don't have any already but yeah suggestive stuff is fine.

[crows-of-buckets]

I want to do a playthrough of rook!Hawke for no other reason that I thought of the line "you want me to save Minrathous? The thing that made fenris Like That?"

[thethespacecoyote]

do you guys fw hate plague as a trope. can you imagine stan getting afflicted by some anomaly that causes it while they're adventuring, and it makes him say all the terrible things that ford believes about himself post weirdmaggedon? and ford nearly gives into despair and guilt before realizing that something is wrong with stan and figuring out a way to dispel it. and then they have to talk

[orcelito]

This morning, my therapist called me to let me know she's setting up her own practice via telehealth (which is what we were using Anyways) & asked me whether I'd want to follow her there. She still has to set stuff up with insurance stuff But her out of pocket stuff is like HALF what I've been paying out of pocket for the company she was in. So I was like, Hell Yeah let's do it

So im gonna keep up with appointments, maybe once a month or so, just so I have the accountability + the ability to ramble about what I've achieved. Bc that's been rly nice for me. I'll have my therapist back!!!! And better than ever, if only because I have to pay so much less for it 😂😂😂

And ALSO, today I put in my course request for the orchestra into the form. So different from just two weeks ago, where I was practically begging to be given a chance to audition. I was sitting in the same spot of the lobby even, but putting in my official orchestra request instead of sending an email as I vibrated in hope and anxiety. I Got It tho. And the class won't even be that late in the day. It's really exciting.

[kittyplushy]

Im gonna krill myself they make me SO ILL❗️