#not ideation just a mention

[dreamcircuitsys]

Even when I WAS anti-endo (dw I’m not anymore) I wasn’t this ignorant 💀

I don’t wanna make assumptions about the experiences of the original poster, but anyone who has ever been hospitalized long-term for psychiatric issues knows that this is ridiculous. I was hospitalized before I even found out I was a system, and it was one of the worst experiences of my life - at least the first two weeks, before they were able to get me into an actual mental health facility and were keeping me locked up in the ER.

When I was in anti-endo spaces, i did get a bit of shit for talking about how awful psych hospitals are, but I honestly don’t rlly blame them for thinking I was anti-recovery. Because most people don’t know how bad psych patients are treated until they are one, or are close with someone who is. It’s inhumane and torturous, but rarely talked about because outsiders just don’t know

But this either seems like rage bait or willful ignorance. Like yes, most people do want to do anything they can to get better, but mental health hospitals are just gonna make it worse most of the time???? And outside of that, most antipsych people are critical of the systems and beliefs that psychologists/psychiatrists operate under… they’re not anti-recovery as a whole. Like, I’m SUPER critical of the field of psychology, but still absolutely encourage people to seek out help if they need it… I’m also just a big promoter of “you don’t have to work with a therapist who is actively bullying you” and “14 year olds who are being abused at home shouldn’t be thrown in solitary confinement and treated like war criminals because they tried to end their lives”

I don't think anti endos realize how much larger of a fight the anti-psych community is. It's so much bigger than syscourse, it's an entire movement built up of psych survivors, disabled people, people of color, plurals, and more who desire to abolish a system built for their oppression. These people DID look for care, and it fucking shot them in the back because it's a system made to kick down minorities. What a disgusting thing to say, god you're all horrific.

[honeypleasejustkillme]

date idea: take me to the closest lake and drown me

[gh0stgirlv]

I hate my life so much I need to be dead.

(Sorry this is not very coquette)

[avpdpossum]

the way hyperbolic suicide jokes have become so common is really frustrating in part because now when i try to explain that i can’t just force myself to interact with people in spite of my issues with social interaction because even the tiniest thing going wrong could make me want to kill myself so it’s literally not safe for me to “fake it til i make it,” the response i get is “yeah, sometimes when i get something wrong in a social interaction i feel like i should just go kill myself, but you just have to do it anyway and power through that” in this super lighthearted tone.

and i don’t know how to explain that no, i mean those situations literally make me actively suicidal and i’ve almost crashed my car multiple times in the past few months because of conversations i thought i might have messed up. because the thing is, people do understand the difference between those jokes and actual active suicidality, but because they don’t see a simple conversation as a big enough deal to warrant that kind of response, they automatically assume i must be speaking hyperbolically like they would be if they said that.

i’ve spent so much time afraid of what i might do to myself when the slightest thing inevitably goes wrong and i can’t seem to get anyone to take that seriously because all they hear when i talk about it is an exaggeration of standard social anxiety at best and a funny joke at worst. and sometimes, it isn’t that they don’t care enough to listen or that they don’t want to take me seriously; they’re just so used to hearing those words used for effect that the thought that i could be speaking literally doesn’t even cross their mind.

[sunlitlemonade]

so. uh. surprising thing about jason, who might be one of the most inconsistently written characters ever, is the fact that one trait about him has remained constant throughout different eras, reboots and even an elseworld. no, it's not his thighs tho that would be a very good guess.

it's his suicidal ideation. yeah.

[here's me screaming about the fact that he feels like a phantom that has outlived its purpose of haunting in detail if you're interested]

[qtubbo]

We got some miscommunication going around, Tubbo did not want to die in his final moments, him playing the game in the first place was an attempt but he did not want to die when Richas was killing him. He screamed and begged for Fit to save him, Richas not listening because he thought it was a game and he is a a literal child don’t ever blame the child, Tubbo is suicidal and depressed but he did not want to die there.

[adhdandcomics]

every pharmacy is out of all adhd meds they won’t tell me where i can get some bc it’s a controlled substance so i just can’t get any my doctor wouldn’t answer my call my state ballot office told me the post office has my absentee ballot and they haven’t sent it back so i go to the post office and the post office told me they sent it back. 🕺🏼🕺🏼🕺🏼🕺🏼🕺🏼🕺🏼🕺🏼 i think i’m done being alive but i almost have a reward on my local coffee punch card 🕺🏼🕺🏼🕺🏼🕺🏼 so i guess we’ll keep on going 🕺🏼🕺🏼🕺🏼🕺🏼🕺🏼🕺🏼 ✨

[mofsblog]

Uh oh, I got reminded TFGraves exist and I'm mentally ill and going to make it YOUR problem!! (Translation: I'm going to gosh about them)

They just mean so much to me? And they just feel soo?? Special?? And unique on a meta level as well? It's already one thing that they are a canonised mlm pairing because historically those ones tend to be more controversial because it tends to make cishet dudes (aka leagues main demographic) more uncomfortable because cant fetishise it (also yes they're not Technically "together" but idc its explicitly canon they have feelings for eachother). It's another that both are surprisingly developed and nuanced charaters (could go on for hours about how theyre both self destructive and have abandonment issues and repress their feelings in very different ways) that are morally ambiguous and have a complex and multifaceted relationship with eachother and yeah i know league lore is subject to retcons and having differet writers but idk. i think its impressive we got two nuanced developed queer male characters WITH A COMPLICATED AND DEVELOPED RELATIONSHIP WITH EACHOTHER in a game known for its bigotted player base. Another thing i fucking love about this ship is how the riot writers were like "what if we subverted some tropes and made the more flamboyant one implied pan and we made the traditionally masculine one, who highkey has toxic masculinity, gay". BUT ALSO HIS TOXIC MASCULINITY HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH HIS QUEERNESS. like yes he cant express his feelings directly to save his life but the fact he's a gay man is completely not relevant to that and he's canonically had a bunch of ex boyfriends and is canonically a monsterfucker/hj. I'm not over how they took a pretty cishet masculine thing and made queer. Like the rough outlaw who hates talking about his feelings and is out for violent revenge on those who've wronged him..... except the guy who's "wronged" him is actually his best friend who he has mutual feelings for and also he fucks men. IDK THAT MAKES ME HAPPY. im insane.

moving on to other thing i like about them is that the sheer range this ship has??? Like yes there's gut wrenching fucked up dynamic that drives you crazy as you pyschoanalyse and unpack the layers of all of THAT. "that" being the fact a man thought he got abandoned by his best friend and got tortured and isolated in prison for 10 years and during those 10 years the only thing that kept him from killing himself was the sheer rage and want for vengence (towards someone he probably had repressed romantic feelings for) AND THEN WHEN HE GOT THE CHANCE TO KILL HIM, HE COULDNT BRING HIMSELF TO DO IT 💀 (im literally never going to be normal about that) and during those 10 years the other man actually got all of their mutual friends killed in an attempt to save him and the survivors guilt fucked him up so bad its implied he failed trying to drown himself so he changed his entire name and personhood instead to isolate himself from the soul crushing guilt of it. BUT DESPITE THAT ANGST, there's a surprising amount of domesticity and comfort with this ship??? No like you'd think these two would be friends to enemies to lovers BUT NO, theyre actually friends to enemies to friends to friends who are fucking pinning for eachother like crazy. Despite the angsty dynamic these two also have the best friends who have known eachother for ages and who everyone think is dating but both are oblivious or dont believe the other feels the same BUT THEY ALSO HAVE opposites attract bickering marriage couple who constantly tease and banter with eachother. like the range is crazy

No but I feel like something that makes me emotional about this is that they tried to kill eachother and badly hurt eachother unintentionally but like, instead of being homophobic about it and making them just hate eachother forever and never reconcicle (which like those ships are amazing and valid and also thats literally another league ship/hj), the writers made them make up???? AND LIKE? HEAL? KINDA? Like no they havent worked through everything and no neither of them like talking about their feelings but they're "partners" again and they have this really domestic understanding of eachother and theyre managing and theyre bantering like they used to and theyre literally so comfortable around eachother and look, graves isnt tormented by his time in prison as much anymore and hes just a genuinely goofy criminal dumbass who robs people and cracks jokes that irriate his partner AND IDK ITS SO DOMESTIC AND FUNNY? BUT IT DOESNT FEEL OUT OF CHARACTER. THESE TWO JUST ARE IN A GOOD PLACE DESPITE EVERYTHING AND IDK THAT MAKES ME HAPPY???? why did league of legends make compelling queer ship

[findmeinthefallair]

*eats recycled cardboard* Won't be the last time they both experience suicidal ideation too T_T

[angelsstranger]

not to bitch and moan but today i (he/him tme transsexual dyke) remember my transmasc roommate of days past and the time he saw me wearing a skirt and said “if i dressed like that I would want to kill myself”

always sort of insinuating that a “real” trans person couldn’t be gender nonconforming..

and eventually of course devolving into the “trans women actually have more privilege than me somehow and i feel threatened by them” which turned into “in the future i dont want to live with AMABs again” yes that second one is a direct quote there was so much more to the convo it ended our friendship quite abruptly and messily.

but my point being transmascs using their own dysphoria and their bigotry they inherited from their family as a weapon against trans women is soo much more common than you think it is. this person was supposedly a leftist and was friends with/trying to date many trans women at the time. it unsettled me how he would imply he found these women untrustworthy at the time but also he approached specifically trans women again and again looking for their patience nurturing and support even asking them for money and favors. before again pivoting and returning to the i think shes a bit TOO into me and its creeping me out.

my takeaway was basically it is your responsibility to tell trans women if they are seeing or hanging out with someone who says terfy shit behind their back. protect your community to make sure nobody has to experience that type of violence (to be clear the violence im referring to here is: someone trans or cis who wants to date/sleep with trans women but continues to imply trans women are dangerous or untrustworthy, eventually discarding each woman they bring into their life for vague reasons which all stem back to transmisogyny)

i was so distracted by how every time i tried to discuss with HIM the harm he caused he would break down cryinf about how fragile he is and all the trauma in his life and i was hesitant to let my friends know the transphobic things he said about them because i thought it would hurt them a lot (ignorant on my behalf. once i finally told my friends i realized i should have warned EVERYONE the very first time i saw this behavior) i didn’t want to seem like i was shit talking him or being rude to the women he was seeing but by the end of our friendship that was one of my greatest regrets. I personally try to honor this mistake by fucking never letting something like this slide ever again and being a reliable friend to the trans women in my life by telling them honestly if i don’t trust someone i see them associating with. that type of passivity in our communities is something that also puts trans women at risk.

since coming back to tumblr ive seen a lot of transmascs harrasing trans women here and the sense of entitlement and the need to frame trans women as a threat to your individual comfort and safety is incredibly harmful and selfish. it reminds me of that shit i watched going down two years ago with my room mate and i really don’t like seeing terf ideology spread by other trans people. check yourself and imo leave trans women the fuck alone if you are still unlearning that shit. stop inviting trans women on dates and hangouts if behind their backs youre insinuating they are untrustworthy or violent in some way. that is so evil ok send post

[harpoonsnotspoons]

Kills self in front of you and changes the trajectory of your life

[ghcstcd]

Dudes, what do I even have to live for

[nexahexagon]

I can’t kill myself, because there’s going to be a young trans kid in the future who’ll need an adult that won’t traumatize them for being curious.

I can’t kill myself, because there’s going to be a young girl, and every other man might just look away if something happens.

I can’t kill myself, because my great grandmother fought hard to raise independent kids so that her daughters and their daughters, and our daughters wouldn’t fall to her fate. So that they’d have a choice, if they wanted a daughter. If they wanted a child.

I can’t kill myself, because I never met my great grandmother, and I’d hate to meet her this way.

I can’t kill myself, because my best friend wants to be a chef when he’s older. And even if I’m the only one calling him his chosen name, it will be said.

I can’t kill myself, because my mother still proudly calls me hers, and openly accepts lgbt+ kids, and I can’t take that hope from her

I can’t kill myself, because there might be a situation where I’ll have to take in a child that ran away for their safety, whether because they’re lgbt+ and harmed for it, or because she’s a girl with her choice taken too young.

I can’t kill myself, because someone has to help educate the next generation

I can’t kill myself, because

[aspd-culture]

Aspd culture is listening to someone vent for the 100th time and telling them to kill themselves already cause they’re annoying as FUCK

Massive TW for sui talk here obviously

God this was tough to have pop up as a notification. Whilst I understand the frustration leading there, I can’t condone that kind of thing. I’ve spent way too much time su1c1d4l myself to encourage that. Even with ASPD, we need to be careful of what we’re saying to other people. If this was about thinking it, absolutely I could understand, but doing it? No that’s not ASPD-culture at least not in my eyes. Please don’t tell anyone to hurt themselves. Even if it’s just for the reason of legal liability, don’t do it.

Edit: someone noted a completely valid point here that saying this “isn’t ASPD culture” rather than simply saying that it’s triggering to me and I’m not comfortable having on my particular ASPD culture blog gives off the wrong idea, because this kind of thing does fit the definition of ASPD.

So just to clarify, what I meant here was more in line with the idea that it’s too serious and personal of an issue for me and I’m sure for some pwASPD too who have had this done to them for me to be posting to this blog. I in no way meant to invalidate this as a symptom, because it IS a part of ASPD to have these thoughts and actions. It’s just not something I want to encourage or platform here because of my personal triggers.

Apologies for phrasing it the way I did, it was a post done quickly and in a triggered state and wasn’t thought through as well as the posts I make usually are. In the spirit of honesty and accountability, I’ve added this edit rather than covering the original language. To avoid this issue in the future, I will be deleting posts discussing the action of (not the thought of) telling people to hurt/unalive themselves.

In no way is this apology saying I condone the actions here though. Acknowledging that they are a part of the experience a pwASPD may have with their symptoms is not the same as saying it’s okay, and part of the mistake I made in the first place was believing one was the same as the other.

[papermint-airplane]

I'm really not doing well guys. Tl;dr my life sucks a lot. That's all you need to know.

My job is still jerking us around on the layoffs. They started in October of last year with "we're selling the department and laying everyone off in February" then when March rolled around and nothing had happened yet, told everyone "lol just kidding the buyer dropped out". So a lot of people quit because this clown company just told everyone it was willing to sell their jobs out from under them and didn't give a shit who was affected or how.

My job is not a job that can function when short staffed. It was already short staffed before they pulled this fakeout layoff shit and now we're lucky to have two people scheduled at any given time. They're paying thousands in overtime, begging people to come in even for a couple of hours on their days off because we don't have enough people to cover one shift, let alone the three they need because the department is 24/7. Customers are rude and entitled. I've been threatened, I've been called horrible names, I've been told I'm a shit human being and don't deserve to live. I'm not allowed to hang up on them. I'm expected to sit there and just take it and not say anything. Most days, we're so busy that I can't take my daily fifteen minute break or even get up to go to the bathroom. And that's only scratching the surface of what goes on at my job.

I have had a history of overworking myself in that job and everyone knows it. I've had literally hundreds of public panic attacks, three full-on mental breakdowns where I was screaming and literally tearing handfuls of my hair out in front of my coworkers from stress, ended up in the hospital twice because I thought I was having a heart attack, and took off three months in 2020 to check myself into an inpatient mental healthcare facility all the way across the country. I have had countless meetings with my supervisors and their supervisors and HR about the toxic work environment and shitty management. I had to beg them to take me off my 8 day rotation (four days of ten hour shifts, four days of eight hour shifts, all in succession with no days off in between) because I started shaking and laughing uncontrollably around day 6 because I was having a literal fucking breakdown. I have literally had to be taken away from work in an ambulance before.

On top of my anxiety being the worst it's ever been (and that includes when I lived with my abusive father), my depression has gotten so bad that all I can do nowadays is work and sleep. Sometimes I don't even get fully in the house before I pass out because I'm so exhausted. I have woken up on my living room floor after work more than once. I told them that I could no longer work shifts like that nor could I take overtime for my own mental health. And they still act like I'm lazy because I don't work 14 hour shifts daily. Bitch, I'm barely holding it together with my weekly 40 hours, and I'm expected to work every Thanksgiving and Christmas but that's just not enough. Nothing I do is enough. And now I don't even have enough energy for the few things I have that I still enjoy. Want to know why my Sims story is on hiatus? Because I have to force myself to do literally anything other than sleep. My house looks like a disgusting hoarder's nest because I can barely move on my days off. I cry all the time. I can't stand to be touched. I shower excessively because I feel filthy when I come home from work in a way I can't adequately articulate. My eczema is so bad that my neck and face are literally covered in bloody red rashes. I look horrible. I feel worse. I have gained over 150 lbs since starting that job in 2006. My thyroid is busted. Some days, I truly believe that I died long ago and this is my own personal Hell.

Now they're telling us that "we definitely have a buyer for the department and all the contracts have been signed". They said there'd be a transition period, after which we'd be laid off but we'd be told when the transition period begins. Now, we got an email telling us we're halfway through the transition period and are probably getting laid off in August "but we don't know when in August, so stay tuned." At this rate, I'm likely to show up one day and be told to go home. I have no idea when that will be and I have no way to know how to prepare.

The only reason I'm still putting up with this bullshit is because...well, to be honest, I've put in a lot of applications and got absolutely no replies. I'm an unemployable useless sack of shit. My company is at least giving us a really good severance package. I'm getting 17 weeks of pay (one week for every year I've worked there) plus another four weeks of pay, plus a $1000 bonus for staying through the transition period. I think I will also qualify for unemployment. I'm trying not to freak out but I don't know what I'm going to do when my severance runs out. I have only had two jobs in my entire life: a grocery store job when I was a teenager for 3 years and this job that I've had for nearly 18 years. My resumé is one page. I have no skills outside of this job. I'm never going to get hired anywhere that's going to pay me anywhere near what this hellhole of a job paid me.

I truly wish I were brave enough to kill myself but I'm not. I keep living and it keeps getting worse and I'm bombarded with hundreds of news articles and Tumblr posts every day telling me how the world is falling apart around me, so even if by some miracle I manage to find a job that pays me enough to fucking live, I don't have a future anyway. I'm almost 40 and I keep waiting for my life to begin but it never does. And it never will. I will never be happy. I will never be safe. I don't deserve happiness. I don't deserve safety. My own fucking parents hated me from the moment my mom read the lines on her pregnancy test. If my own parents can't love me, nobody can. I'm on medication and in therapy but sometimes, I wonder if it's doing anything at all. You can't fix what's wrong with me. I was just born wrong. And no matter where I go or what kind of job I end up in, the same shit will just keep repeating over and over and over because that's all I deserve. I'll just keep on hurting until global warming or war takes me out and I end up in real Hell.

In an hour, I'm going to regret writing any of this and probably delete this post. Because I'm supposed to take it and not say anything.

My Sims are the only thing that gives me any comfort anymore. Even then, I don't have the energy or attention span to do the things I want. I'm just as irrelevant on Simblr as I am in real life. If I disappeared tomorrow, nobody would notice.

[thepoisonroom]

explaining being just a little suicidal to someone who hasn't experienced it is so bizarre like i had an evaluation today and was trying to explain that i'm just a little bit not very and was like "y'know i don't have a plan or think about doing it myself it's more like how sometimes you fantasize about breaking your leg or whatever" and she was like "oh so you want to be harmed" and i was like "no i really do NOT want to be harmed" and of course she was baffled because i guess it does sound strange to say you want to be dead but don't want to be harmed. like it was not computing for her