#cw mention of suicidal ideation

[angelsstranger]

not to bitch and moan but today i (he/him tme transsexual dyke) remember my transmasc roommate of days past and the time he saw me wearing a skirt and said “if i dressed like that I would want to kill myself”

always sort of insinuating that a “real” trans person couldn’t be gender nonconforming..

and eventually of course devolving into the “trans women actually have more privilege than me somehow and i feel threatened by them” which turned into “in the future i dont want to live with AMABs again” yes that second one is a direct quote there was so much more to the convo it ended our friendship quite abruptly and messily.

but my point being transmascs using their own dysphoria and their bigotry they inherited from their family as a weapon against trans women is soo much more common than you think it is. this person was supposedly a leftist and was friends with/trying to date many trans women at the time. it unsettled me how he would imply he found these women untrustworthy at the time but also he approached specifically trans women again and again looking for their patience nurturing and support even asking them for money and favors. before again pivoting and returning to the i think shes a bit TOO into me and its creeping me out.

my takeaway was basically it is your responsibility to tell trans women if they are seeing or hanging out with someone who says terfy shit behind their back. protect your community to make sure nobody has to experience that type of violence (to be clear the violence im referring to here is: someone trans or cis who wants to date/sleep with trans women but continues to imply trans women are dangerous or untrustworthy, eventually discarding each woman they bring into their life for vague reasons which all stem back to transmisogyny)

i was so distracted by how every time i tried to discuss with HIM the harm he caused he would break down cryinf about how fragile he is and all the trauma in his life and i was hesitant to let my friends know the transphobic things he said about them because i thought it would hurt them a lot (ignorant on my behalf. once i finally told my friends i realized i should have warned EVERYONE the very first time i saw this behavior) i didn’t want to seem like i was shit talking him or being rude to the women he was seeing but by the end of our friendship that was one of my greatest regrets. I personally try to honor this mistake by fucking never letting something like this slide ever again and being a reliable friend to the trans women in my life by telling them honestly if i don’t trust someone i see them associating with. that type of passivity in our communities is something that also puts trans women at risk.

since coming back to tumblr ive seen a lot of transmascs harrasing trans women here and the sense of entitlement and the need to frame trans women as a threat to your individual comfort and safety is incredibly harmful and selfish. it reminds me of that shit i watched going down two years ago with my room mate and i really don’t like seeing terf ideology spread by other trans people. check yourself and imo leave trans women the fuck alone if you are still unlearning that shit. stop inviting trans women on dates and hangouts if behind their backs youre insinuating they are untrustworthy or violent in some way. that is so evil ok send post

[lupinedreaming]

I know very few (and honestly probably none of) my followers followed me for ex-Mormon stuff, but General Conference was yesterday, and I have to bitch about one particular talk. Join me under the cut if you want to read me venting. Be aware heavy topics may be discussed below

OKAY, SO, there was a pre-recorded talk from the current Mormon prophet. Two upsetting quotes from the talk were:

“Never take counsel from those who do not believe.”

And:

“Thus, if we unwisely choose to live telestial laws now, we are choosing to be resurrected with a telestial body. We’re choosing not to live with our families forever.

So, my dear brothers and sisters, how and where and with whom do you want to live forever? You get to choose.”

For those of you who were never Mormon, there are basically three different levels of heaven (one level is called telestial), and you only get into the best level of heaven if you strictly follow all of Mormonism’s rules (including not drinking coffee or tea. Yep, that can get you kicked out of VIP heaven). That means you can he separated from your family FOREVER in the afterlife if you go to different levels of heaven.

Obviously, I don’t believe that bullshit. I don’t believe in the Christian or Mormon God. I believe there’s some higher power, and I don’t think it would be cruel enough to separate loved ones after death.

But all my immediate family are still believing Mormons, and I hate thinking that they’re being told I can’t be with them in the afterlife because I chose to leave. I had to leave for my own mental health. I was dealing with bad depression and suicidal ideation before I left. It probably would’ve gotten even worse if I stayed

The Mormon prophet is believed to be the mouthpiece of God, so it’s hard for believing members to disagree with him. My mom once told me she believes anyway that I’ll be with my family in the afterlife, but she said that a year ago so … idk what she thought when she heard this most recent talk. I’m just pissed. Mormonism keeps hurting me. I’ve healed in a lot of ways from it, but there are still things I need to unpack and other stuff that will probably never fully leave me

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[glitter-alienz]

CW suicidal ideation

he's trying 👍🏾

[start] [next] <- this is the start of an era... i have a bunch of comic wips about donnie being mentally ill <3

[TMNTOV Masterpost]

original under the cut

its by @mewechy but their blog got explded i think

[daily-crabbys]

This Friday's meme is: you always do this

[swollenbabyfat]

Quiet now children

[sunlitlemonade]

so. uh. surprising thing about jason, who might be one of the most inconsistently written characters ever, is the fact that one trait about him has remained constant throughout different eras, reboots and even an elseworld. no, it's not his thighs tho that would be a very good guess.

it's his suicidal ideation. yeah.

[here's me screaming about the fact that he feels like a phantom that has outlived its purpose of haunting in detail if you're interested]

[galedekarios]

"i'm strong enough. i'll carry on alone."

i've already made a more detailed post about the loss scene that was part of act i and gale's romance in early access.

the scene held a lot of weight and was a turning point in the relationship between gale and the protag, while also highlighting just how far gale has fallen, in terms of social standing and in terms of power:

Gale: Khat-Tsjin Deth-Thra! Player: You don't sound very happy there, Gale. Gale: Happiness is like a stray cat: sometimes it seeks you out, sometimes it ignores you. Tonight, I'm ignored. It's getting alte. I think I'll turn in. Perhaps some sleep will do me good. Player: They say you should never go to bed angry. Gale: Isn't that advice for couples? The only one I'm angry with is myself. Please - just let it rest. Player: [Insight Success] We shared the WEave the other night. Now share what's on your mind. Gale: Very well. Just now, I was trying to cast a spell I once cast with ease, but I failed. You see, this fire - there was a time that I could make it come alive. That it would take the shape of a dragon and roar in delight. There was atime I could silence a Beholder with a word, and lift a tower from its foundations with a flourish. There was a time I was all but one with the Weave. But no more - a mere shadow of the wizard I used to be. Why? Because I've lost. Player: I don't understand. What is it that you've lost? Gale: I've lost... Player: [Insight Success] Go on. Every burden is easier to carry when shared. Gale: An apt enough observation. I've lost Mystra. I sought to impress her personally. To turn the eyes of my muse upon me. To win the favour of a goddess. But I failed, and all I invoked was death and dismissal. My death. Her dismissal. Player: I don't know what to make of what you've told me, but I sympathise. Gale: Thank you. You're a good friend. I often think of that moment we shared together - one under the Weave. I hope you think about it too.

it's a wonderful scene that offers a lot of insight into gale's character as well as his past, but what i haven't focused on in the original post is the dialogue the player would get from gale if the protag failed the check to convince him to open up and share the burden that was making him visibly upset:

[the banter is identical with the one above up to this point] Gale: I've lost... Player: [Insight Failure] Go on. Every burden is easier to carry when shared. Gale: I'm strong enough. I'll carry on alone. Gale: With that I bid you an evening better than my own.

i think this shows a very interesting side of gale and one that we both don't get to see often and / or press him on: the side of gale that masks his worries, his fears, his insecurities and his pain to soldier on and do what he feels needs to be done.

we catch glimpses of it in the full release as well, specifically during and after elminster does his duty as mystra's chosen and informs gale of her demands of him:

Weary Traveller: You must find the Heart of the Absolute, whatever that may be, and use yourself as the catalyst that will burn it from this world. Player: We'll be rid of both the Absolute and Gale in one fell swoop. Win-win. Weary Traveller: I may be slow to anger, but I will not have you sully this moment of most sorrowful import with ill-considered levity! Gale: It's all right, Elminster. If ever gallows humour were appropriate, this is its grim-smiling hour. Weary Traveller: It brings me no pleasure saying this, my friend, but such is Mystra's will. Yours must be the sacrifice that will undo the Absolute. And for your sacrifice, you will be redeemed - such is Mystra's promise. Weary Traveller: With that, I've said my sorry piece, and need only bestow unto thee the charm I was bid.

it's elminster who is upset on gale's behalf, not gale himself. he treats it as 'gallow's humour' - whether or not it's meant like that by the protag.

the same view he takes on shortly after, once the protag asks him how he is feeling:

Player: How are you feeling? It can't be easy, facing the possibility of death... Gale: Oh, you know me - ever the optimist. I'm trying to focus on the positives. devnote: Gallows humour Gale: The truth is, I was living on borrowed time already. Consuming those items would only have kept the orb sated for so long. Gale: If anything, I feel more at peace than I have in months. At least now I know my death will have purpose. It won't be a distant 'bang' in the footnotes of history.

Player: You're seriously considering doing what Elminster said? Gale: Of course - he offered the clearest solution to our problem. All I have to do is find the right place and time, close my eyes, and let go… devnote: Trying to sound upbeat, not fully engaging with what he’s saying (that he’s going to kill himself). Gale: Then the slate will be clean, wrongs will be righted, the Absolute will be gone… devnote: Trying to sound upbeat, not fully engaging with what he’s saying (that he’s going to kill himself). Gale: …and I along with it. devnote: Still trying to sound upbeat, though this time the reality that this means he will die weighs a bit heavier

the game gives you no option to press him on any of this. on this front of maintaining optimism, of gallows humour, clinging tightly to the idea of there being purpose in his own death, yet not fully engaging with what that actually means.

until he can't avoid it anymore, and even then, he carries on. we know it's already of limited comfort to him by the time the last night alive scene / act 2 romance scene takes place:

Gale: I am terrified - I will not claim otherwise. My face could scarcely conceal it even if my words sought to deny it. nodecontext: Hushed, vulnerable Gale: There is no point in running from the inevitable. Better to meet it, on my own terms. nodecontext: Resigned

and it's echoed later too, in act 3, when he offers himself up as an out, a failsafe, for the protag and the companions:

and it of course culminates in the scene - if you chose to take that route - which gale ascends to the elder brain alone, spelling his friends and companions away to safety.

he says he is strong enough to carry on alone, to do what he believes must be done, what's been ordained to him, by fate or by mystra, and he is. despite being terrified. despite wishing he didn't have to be.

it's an interesting aspect of gale - but his relief is all the sweeter for it when he realises that he doesn't have to be strong enough and that he doesn't have to carry on alone.

he's found friends and possibly love.

every burden is easier to carry when shared indeed.

[windslar]

[symply-sym]

probably my favorite thing i ever made. took forever to glaze all this.

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[mikodrawnnarratives]

I'm soooo interested in the possibilities for Post Loops Siffrin since theres a ton to explore in how they and his family deal with the aftermath of All That

First off, bumps in the road to getting healthier since progress isn't linear. Siffrin trying but sometimes failing to keep in mind the lessons he learned.

Having so many loops doing the same thing over and over, I love the idea of him sometimes falling back into habits of making a script for themself to follow daily when things get too samey. Like certain times of the day go by so similarly that they zone out from time to time, even unintentionally

It would take his family members to realize when he falls into habits like these, and taking efforts to minimize their ability to do that without reminders. Like, small things like making sure to change things up everyday in a certain amount so following a Script isn't as simple to categorize things happening around him as You've Seen This Before

I really hope Siffrin starts journaling at some point Post Loops cuz honestly, if they don't got a therapist (i don't even know how any therapist could tackle that enbie's issues) and they don't talk about the things that happened in the loops, I'd hope they at least have one way to get it out in a healthy manner. I'd imagine they wouldn't want to forget more of the loops, even tho they were traumatic, seeing as Forgetting is so distressing to em. I also can't imagine anyone would be okay with forgetting that kind of experience after it consumes so much of ur life.

And I also like to think about how Siffrin handles not dying so frequently. Like, them using the dagger after a certain point feels good to them, they've gotten used to it. Imagine how chilling that must be to deal with as he recovers. Going between "oh i miss that relief" to "why do i miss that relief oh stars i don't want to leave my family :((" and on some bad days im sure he'd struggle with suicidal ideation, and those issues probably would make any self harming habits just. ohh so much worse given they might turn to that for relief if their family members don't keep good enough eye on their access to sharp objects when vulnerable. Now that i think about it, it would be really endearing to see their family helping them find alternatives, like drawing on themself or rubberband methods, whenever possible

How his family approaches it in general is also has a lot of goodies in terms of possibilities. I really like fics when Siff is really nervous to accept help but still gets it in the end. Like he struggles but in the end his family is still there. oohh I especially love Odile and Siff fics they are so endearing to me

I need to find more fics that focus on Siff when he's dealing with other factors of not being in the loops anymore too! Like changing out of his clothes he's had to have for xyz amount of loops! Dealing with food, anything from struggling with bananas and not liking his favorite food anymore to remembering how much he STARVED during the loops and getting underlying worry about it happening again. They still eat their food quickly, even if they feel content. Having irrational worries about "what if it happens again and i don't have enough food what if I starve again"

Hopefully this would be something he could talk about with his family and it would be SO quickly followed up by Bonnie exclaiming that they'll cook all the food they want for him if that happens. Never going hungry again on their watch! And if Siff gets any hoarding issues in this scenario, ✨snack cabinets!✨

oohh def snack cabinets or in general stashes would be so sweet, ones that they can access at any point. Their family does their best to keep it stocked to ease their worries

And there are a ton of other scenarios that would address how the loops fucked him up, followed by family members finding out + helping

I also need to find more fics where they are just cuddling too. Cuddles, helping Sick Siff, stuff where Siff is shy to accept help but god the others will make SURE he rests accordingly!

[sage-writes-n-coins-mogai]

I just finished listening to Love in Paradise from the Epic Musical: Wisdom Saga and Calypso is really out here trying to convince Ody to come back inside while he’s a having full on PTSD flashback and contemplating suicide and begging her to “let him close his eyes”

Like bffr, he’s having a moment the last thing he wants is sex from a woman who isn’t his wife (who he literally let Zeus kill the rest of his men for)

[mofsblog]

Uh oh, I got reminded TFGraves exist and I'm mentally ill and going to make it YOUR problem!! (Translation: I'm going to gosh about them)

They just mean so much to me? And they just feel soo?? Special?? And unique on a meta level as well? It's already one thing that they are a canonised mlm pairing because historically those ones tend to be more controversial because it tends to make cishet dudes (aka leagues main demographic) more uncomfortable because cant fetishise it (also yes they're not Technically "together" but idc its explicitly canon they have feelings for eachother). It's another that both are surprisingly developed and nuanced charaters (could go on for hours about how theyre both self destructive and have abandonment issues and repress their feelings in very different ways) that are morally ambiguous and have a complex and multifaceted relationship with eachother and yeah i know league lore is subject to retcons and having differet writers but idk. i think its impressive we got two nuanced developed queer male characters WITH A COMPLICATED AND DEVELOPED RELATIONSHIP WITH EACHOTHER in a game known for its bigotted player base. Another thing i fucking love about this ship is how the riot writers were like "what if we subverted some tropes and made the more flamboyant one implied pan and we made the traditionally masculine one, who highkey has toxic masculinity, gay". BUT ALSO HIS TOXIC MASCULINITY HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH HIS QUEERNESS. like yes he cant express his feelings directly to save his life but the fact he's a gay man is completely not relevant to that and he's canonically had a bunch of ex boyfriends and is canonically a monsterfucker/hj. I'm not over how they took a pretty cishet masculine thing and made queer. Like the rough outlaw who hates talking about his feelings and is out for violent revenge on those who've wronged him..... except the guy who's "wronged" him is actually his best friend who he has mutual feelings for and also he fucks men. IDK THAT MAKES ME HAPPY. im insane.

moving on to other thing i like about them is that the sheer range this ship has??? Like yes there's gut wrenching fucked up dynamic that drives you crazy as you pyschoanalyse and unpack the layers of all of THAT. "that" being the fact a man thought he got abandoned by his best friend and got tortured and isolated in prison for 10 years and during those 10 years the only thing that kept him from killing himself was the sheer rage and want for vengence (towards someone he probably had repressed romantic feelings for) AND THEN WHEN HE GOT THE CHANCE TO KILL HIM, HE COULDNT BRING HIMSELF TO DO IT 💀 (im literally never going to be normal about that) and during those 10 years the other man actually got all of their mutual friends killed in an attempt to save him and the survivors guilt fucked him up so bad its implied he failed trying to drown himself so he changed his entire name and personhood instead to isolate himself from the soul crushing guilt of it. BUT DESPITE THAT ANGST, there's a surprising amount of domesticity and comfort with this ship??? No like you'd think these two would be friends to enemies to lovers BUT NO, theyre actually friends to enemies to friends to friends who are fucking pinning for eachother like crazy. Despite the angsty dynamic these two also have the best friends who have known eachother for ages and who everyone think is dating but both are oblivious or dont believe the other feels the same BUT THEY ALSO HAVE opposites attract bickering marriage couple who constantly tease and banter with eachother. like the range is crazy

No but I feel like something that makes me emotional about this is that they tried to kill eachother and badly hurt eachother unintentionally but like, instead of being homophobic about it and making them just hate eachother forever and never reconcicle (which like those ships are amazing and valid and also thats literally another league ship/hj), the writers made them make up???? AND LIKE? HEAL? KINDA? Like no they havent worked through everything and no neither of them like talking about their feelings but they're "partners" again and they have this really domestic understanding of eachother and theyre managing and theyre bantering like they used to and theyre literally so comfortable around eachother and look, graves isnt tormented by his time in prison as much anymore and hes just a genuinely goofy criminal dumbass who robs people and cracks jokes that irriate his partner AND IDK ITS SO DOMESTIC AND FUNNY? BUT IT DOESNT FEEL OUT OF CHARACTER. THESE TWO JUST ARE IN A GOOD PLACE DESPITE EVERYTHING AND IDK THAT MAKES ME HAPPY???? why did league of legends make compelling queer ship

[pkmn-monochrome]

[papermint-airplane]

I'm really not doing well guys. Tl;dr my life sucks a lot. That's all you need to know.

My job is still jerking us around on the layoffs. They started in October of last year with "we're selling the department and laying everyone off in February" then when March rolled around and nothing had happened yet, told everyone "lol just kidding the buyer dropped out". So a lot of people quit because this clown company just told everyone it was willing to sell their jobs out from under them and didn't give a shit who was affected or how.

My job is not a job that can function when short staffed. It was already short staffed before they pulled this fakeout layoff shit and now we're lucky to have two people scheduled at any given time. They're paying thousands in overtime, begging people to come in even for a couple of hours on their days off because we don't have enough people to cover one shift, let alone the three they need because the department is 24/7. Customers are rude and entitled. I've been threatened, I've been called horrible names, I've been told I'm a shit human being and don't deserve to live. I'm not allowed to hang up on them. I'm expected to sit there and just take it and not say anything. Most days, we're so busy that I can't take my daily fifteen minute break or even get up to go to the bathroom. And that's only scratching the surface of what goes on at my job.

I have had a history of overworking myself in that job and everyone knows it. I've had literally hundreds of public panic attacks, three full-on mental breakdowns where I was screaming and literally tearing handfuls of my hair out in front of my coworkers from stress, ended up in the hospital twice because I thought I was having a heart attack, and took off three months in 2020 to check myself into an inpatient mental healthcare facility all the way across the country. I have had countless meetings with my supervisors and their supervisors and HR about the toxic work environment and shitty management. I had to beg them to take me off my 8 day rotation (four days of ten hour shifts, four days of eight hour shifts, all in succession with no days off in between) because I started shaking and laughing uncontrollably around day 6 because I was having a literal fucking breakdown. I have literally had to be taken away from work in an ambulance before.

On top of my anxiety being the worst it's ever been (and that includes when I lived with my abusive father), my depression has gotten so bad that all I can do nowadays is work and sleep. Sometimes I don't even get fully in the house before I pass out because I'm so exhausted. I have woken up on my living room floor after work more than once. I told them that I could no longer work shifts like that nor could I take overtime for my own mental health. And they still act like I'm lazy because I don't work 14 hour shifts daily. Bitch, I'm barely holding it together with my weekly 40 hours, and I'm expected to work every Thanksgiving and Christmas but that's just not enough. Nothing I do is enough. And now I don't even have enough energy for the few things I have that I still enjoy. Want to know why my Sims story is on hiatus? Because I have to force myself to do literally anything other than sleep. My house looks like a disgusting hoarder's nest because I can barely move on my days off. I cry all the time. I can't stand to be touched. I shower excessively because I feel filthy when I come home from work in a way I can't adequately articulate. My eczema is so bad that my neck and face are literally covered in bloody red rashes. I look horrible. I feel worse. I have gained over 150 lbs since starting that job in 2006. My thyroid is busted. Some days, I truly believe that I died long ago and this is my own personal Hell.

Now they're telling us that "we definitely have a buyer for the department and all the contracts have been signed". They said there'd be a transition period, after which we'd be laid off but we'd be told when the transition period begins. Now, we got an email telling us we're halfway through the transition period and are probably getting laid off in August "but we don't know when in August, so stay tuned." At this rate, I'm likely to show up one day and be told to go home. I have no idea when that will be and I have no way to know how to prepare.

The only reason I'm still putting up with this bullshit is because...well, to be honest, I've put in a lot of applications and got absolutely no replies. I'm an unemployable useless sack of shit. My company is at least giving us a really good severance package. I'm getting 17 weeks of pay (one week for every year I've worked there) plus another four weeks of pay, plus a $1000 bonus for staying through the transition period. I think I will also qualify for unemployment. I'm trying not to freak out but I don't know what I'm going to do when my severance runs out. I have only had two jobs in my entire life: a grocery store job when I was a teenager for 3 years and this job that I've had for nearly 18 years. My resumé is one page. I have no skills outside of this job. I'm never going to get hired anywhere that's going to pay me anywhere near what this hellhole of a job paid me.

I truly wish I were brave enough to kill myself but I'm not. I keep living and it keeps getting worse and I'm bombarded with hundreds of news articles and Tumblr posts every day telling me how the world is falling apart around me, so even if by some miracle I manage to find a job that pays me enough to fucking live, I don't have a future anyway. I'm almost 40 and I keep waiting for my life to begin but it never does. And it never will. I will never be happy. I will never be safe. I don't deserve happiness. I don't deserve safety. My own fucking parents hated me from the moment my mom read the lines on her pregnancy test. If my own parents can't love me, nobody can. I'm on medication and in therapy but sometimes, I wonder if it's doing anything at all. You can't fix what's wrong with me. I was just born wrong. And no matter where I go or what kind of job I end up in, the same shit will just keep repeating over and over and over because that's all I deserve. I'll just keep on hurting until global warming or war takes me out and I end up in real Hell.

In an hour, I'm going to regret writing any of this and probably delete this post. Because I'm supposed to take it and not say anything.

My Sims are the only thing that gives me any comfort anymore. Even then, I don't have the energy or attention span to do the things I want. I'm just as irrelevant on Simblr as I am in real life. If I disappeared tomorrow, nobody would notice.