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luna-writes-stuff · 3 years ago

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Hey I saw that your asks are open for Fili and Kili. I was wondering if you could do a fic or hc about Kili were he falls for the reader and tries to flirt with her but makes her laugh instead. He gets flustered and embarrassed.

Stupid Things, Kili Durin

first fic I’ve published so far and I was nervous???? While I’m literally writing a book????? So technically it’s nothing new????? But still?????

Fic, female s/o

Tw: misread signs? Kili being insecure? Flirting?

For Kili it was as clear as the sky on a warm morning in July; when you first caught his eye, he had grown absolutely smitten with you.

His mother had told him thousands of stories growing up. On how dwarves were once born in pairs, yet separated after years, forced to find each other in another life where they might not even remember their One. These stories had always held hope for Kili, even as he grew beyond the age of being called a dwarfling.

His beard had never truly come out and his hair had not once adorned braids, causing others to make fun of him, claiming he had not been a true dwarf. He felt silly holding onto the hope of finding his One, yet he could never bring himself to forget it. No matter how much life opposed him at times.

And the moment he met you, he had been glad he never gave up.

Every little detail of that day had been imprinted on his mind. From the way you wore your hair to the outfit that adorned your body. He knew you were his One. His mother told him exactly how she felt upon meeting his father, and even though the words always made Kili gag, he now knew she had never been exaggerating.

The whole journey he tried to gain your attention, but whenever you spared him a glance, he always shrunk back, afraid you’d reject him as his kin once had.

Fíli knew what was going on when Kili refused to joke around with the other one night. He had not been as blind as their company. He had spent days trying to talk some sense into his brother, claiming you had liked him as much as he liked you, but - unfortunately -, Kili had inherited his uncle’s stubbornness.

Yet, as the days turned into weeks and the weeks turned into months, Kili grew some courage. You had opened up to the company more, giving him more conversational topics and shared interests. And it had gone well for a while; the two of you got along amazing, never once disagreeing or ignoring one another. And all those talks encouraged Kili to show you he truly cared for you. More than any other has had before.

You grew more teasing and joking amongst each other, finding weak links and soft spots, never failing to make each other laugh. And it gave him courage, until - one night - his bravery overtook him. You had been talking like any other night, when he zoned off, not listening to a word you said anymore.

Instead, he had been trying to find the words he had repeated in his head the entire day. But as your eyes rested on him, he could no longer remember what it was. You were so breathtaking you made him forget his pickup line.

Just then, you were quiet, searching his face before letting out a joyful laughter.

“I’m flattered, Kili.” You began, resting your hand on his shoulder, leaning over in laughter. “Could you not have told me we were doing pickup lines tonight? I would’ve prepared myself.”

He had said it out loud. And he hadn’t even noticed it. He didn’t even know how much you had heard.

“It it hot in here or is it just you?” You retorted playfully, but when Kili made no move to laugh, you slowly stifled your laughter. “I know, that one was horrible. I should’ve been prepared.” You defended, letting go of his shoulder.

You may not have noticed it, but Kili’s brain just ran on short circuit. His entire face he heated up and he was sure it would leave a red glow. His ears felt as if they were on fire as his mind just kept repeating the same words over and over and over again.

How could he do easily let these words slip past his lips? And he didn’t even know how to respond to you. Had you been making fun of him or were you reciprocating his flirtatious attempts? Perhaps he should just walk off before more damage could be done. Should he say something? Or would it only make it worse?

“Are you still in there, Kili?” You asked, snapping him out of his daze, your hand in front of his face, trying to get his eyes to follow your fingers. When his eyes finally made contact with yours, you let out a relieved sigh.

“I thought I just broke you with a stupid sentence.” You explained, leaning back against the tree, your hand slowly lowering.

“I’m sorry for letting my mouth walk free like that.” Kili apologized, now looking back down on his lap, insecurities taking over.

You might not have picked onto his true intentions, but you knew whenever someone did not feel comfortable. And right now, Kili looked as if he could bury himself six feet under. Which may have been true if you would have asked him.

“Don’t apologize. It was sweet.” You concluded, shifting your place so you would be seated next to him. “Though I do not know whether you were joking or not.” You admitted, resting your head on his shoulder.

And at that moment, Kili felt his heart skip a beat. He had heard many people say that the feeling of a skipping heart felt foreign yet welcome all the same, but never once had he experienced it. And now that it happened, he knew why people described it like that.

His entire body froze in that exact moment. Should he lean his head against yours? How should he place his legs? Could he hold your hand?

“Yes, you can hold my hand, Kili. Though, you do know it’s just the two of us, right? You’re not talking to someone else.” You mumbled, already reaching for his hand.

His eyes followed the trail your hands made, as if they could snap up any minute. Yet, as they came into contact with his, his body finally relaxed.

“How much did I say?” He whispered quietly, almost scared of the answer.

“You asked me if you were allowed to hold my hand.” You explained, now looking back up at him. Your face had no longer held the joyeus wrinkles it had before, seconds before laughing at his statements. It was laced with worries and doubts. Not for you, but for him.

“Are you okay?” You carefully asked, afraid you’d had been overstepping some form of boundary.

“You make me do stupid things.” Kili spoke, the sentence flowing out as if it had been on his tongue the entire time.

“Thank you?” You answered hesitantly, not sure whether he was insulting you or compliment you.

It seemed as if Kili could sense your doubt, because his explanation follows not long after. “Not wrong stupid things. Just….unfamiliar stupid things.”

“You’re familiar with a lot of stupid things?” You wondered aloud, your head back on his shoulder, happy to have found some form of solid social interaction again.

“You’d be surprised.” Kili spoke.

“Perhaps the two of us can find a way to correctly discover these unfamiliar stupid things.” You hinted, gently squeezing his hand, making Kili’s heart skip yet another beat. It was a feeling he could get used to. It had not been unpleasant, only surprising, yet he could not find himself ever getting enough of it.

“Beg your pardon?” He asked, not catching the meaning of your words, now entirely focused on your hand in his.

“Fili was right. You are dense.” Now anxiety krept up on him again. What had Fili said? Question circled back around in his head, insecurities settling in again.

“You spoke with Fili?” He nearly managed out, his clothes suddenly feeling uncomfortable warm.

“More like, Fili spoke to me.” You admitted, looking up at the nervous dwarf.

“What did he say?” Kili wondered, no longer beating around the bush. “Nothing that made sense.” You reassured, not sure why Kili suddenly became so closed off again.

“But we could figure out together.” You tried to hush, doing your best to soothe the situation. And it seemed to work. The minute Kili looked back at you again, his eyes were filled with relief instead of doubt.

“Only if you want to.” He stated, finally squeezing your hand back. A verbal answered was not received by him. Only a satisfied smile and a content nod. No intention was made for you to move, and you truly didn’t feel like it. You found a comfortable spot and would not move again until Kili decided you should.

And Kili would never say so. In his eyes, you could’ve stayed there all night and he couldn’t have cared less. He was just relieved that the tension was finally gone, even if it went unnoticed by you. Perhaps it wouldn’t be so bad with you by his side.

#tolkien #the hobbit #Kili durin #Kili #Fili and kili #Aidan turner #kili x reader #Kili imagine #lord of the rings #send asks #requests open

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bigskydreaming · 3 years ago

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I am looking (disrespectfully) at the trope of Bruce and other family members only seeming to respect Dick’s wishes when doing so aligns with what they already wanted to do.

Let’s go to the examples!

1) Bruce not broaching adoption with Dick because he wants to respect Dick’s first parents and feels like he would be taking their place or overstepping or putting himself in between Dick and his memories of his parents. Sometimes its cited that Dick himself expressed this wish early on after his parents died, sometimes its not and this is still just upheld as Bruce’s reasoning for not adopting Dick before he was already well into adulthood.

THE FATAL FLAW (in mine own personal opinion, natch. Personal mileage may vary, check your speedometer to be safe):

This particular plot point or tangle is in my experience ALWAYS paired with Bruce’s own insecurities about his role in Dick’s life, or not wanting to push that or receive an answer he doesn’t want to or is afraid to hear. Sometimes its about his fears of unworthiness to be Dick’s actual parent, etc, etc. But the bottom line is, there is always the presence of SOME element (and not a small one) in which Bruce’s own self-interest or feelings are protected by him NOT broaching the adoption conversation with Dick and having to confront these fears head on.

This is additionally juxtaposed with the problem that although there’s a lot of variance in regards to stories where Bruce fired Dick versus stories where Dick gave up being Robin and moved on to Nightwing voluntarily....there’s NOT a lot of stories where Dick makes Jason Robin himself or is asked by Bruce first. The part where Bruce takes this initiative on his own, without thinking through its repercussions on Dick emotionally.....this is practically always present.

Now, the problem here is that......Dick became or began becoming Robin well into his time with Bruce. Its frequently cited as the thing that began allowing them to truly connect, their time training and acting as Batman and Robin.

Meaning no matter WHAT interpretation you go with as to why specifically Dick chose the name Robin, whether it was a family nickname or an homage to Robin Hood.....the fact remains, NOTHING of Robin, THEMATICALLY, nothing that spoke to Dick in regards to what he wanted Robin to be - specifically in honor of his parents because avenging his parents and making sure what happened to them didn’t happen to others like, this was literally a key part of what bonded Dick and Bruce, the fact that Bruce was TRYING to help Dick specifically BECAUSE they shared this particular overlap of purpose - like the bottom line is, nothing about Robin CAME from Bruce. Or Dick’s feelings about Bruce. That....didn’t really even exist yet, at the time he created Robin. Everything about Robin, other than the physical costume itself, not even the design just the actual creation of it....all of that came from BEFORE he met Bruce. None of it was thoughts or feelings derived from BRUCE. Its the whole reason Dick was never Batkid or Batlad, or any derivative of Batman.

It all, ALL came from what Dick came to the manor WITH. Remnants of his life with his first family.

So the fatal flaw of Bruce’s reasoning that by not broaching the subject of adoption with Dick before well into adulthood, he was actually just respecting Dick’s relationship with his first parents and not trying to come between them and Dick’s memories and feelings about them....

All of this is inherently undermined by Bruce’s own actions.....when by repurposing Robin to ANY degree, even just to give the mantle to Jason.....this meant that he was inherently viewing Robin as being more about being Batman’s partner, HIS partner....then it was about being Dick’s heritage, his last intangible keepsake of his first family and life BEFORE Bruce.

In effect....Bruce making Jason Robin or firing Dick as Robin, either way....both betray Bruce’s OWN alleged intentions for only wanting to respect Dick’s relationship with his parents, and that being why he didn’t want to overstep by trying to impose or even ask for his own official parent/child relationship with Dick. Because that’s exactly what appropriating the Robin mantle was. It was Bruce ignoring the relationship Dick had with his parents and their memory and the fact that Robin was directly born of that....and making Robin entirely about Bruce’s OWN relationship with Dick, heedless of any other factors.

And the second Bruce did that.....his entire justification for not raising the adoption issue....disappears. It goes away. Because you can’t claim inaction being just a result of not wanting to disrespect something you’ve already voided respect for. No matter whether Bruce INTENDED it or not.....by crossing this boundary, Bruce already acted against Dick’s feelings in this regard and well, disregarded them....which makes claims of Bruce not raising the adoption issue pretty much JUST self-serving at that point. Its an alleged viewpoint of Dick’s that Bruce largely just ASSUMES....and only ultimately respects - in direct contrast to how he didn’t respect the associations Dick had with Robin - because it aligns with something Bruce ALREADY wanted to do, rather than what Dick actually wanted. It provided justification for Bruce to just....not have a conversation he was afraid to have. And that’s about Bruce at that point. Its not about Dick. Its just like...not.

2) Another example of this that is not unique to just Bruce, but recurs frequently in both canon and fanfics in Dick’s dynamics with other characters he’s close with.....is characters not apologizing for things they’ve done to Dick or raising the issue of things they did a long time ago but never apologized for....while claiming to do so because they thought DICK didn’t want to talk about it.

THE FATAL FLAW (in my own personal opinion. Nuances and variations may not be identical at all store locations, please see your local branch for details):

The particular problem I have here is that....Dick never ever ever in the history of ever and also the before ever time.....has EVER expressed a desire to avoid confrontation.

Like. That’s what he DOES. That’s his JAM. That’s literally CITED time and time again as one of the reasons he’s viewed as more of a people person and natural team leader than Bruce and other Batfam members....because he’s not afraid to cut straight (or bi) to the heart of the matter and air out a dispute.

In fact, this very character trait is one of the ones most commonly utilized AGAINST Dick in various depictions of him, as he’s often cited as TOO confrontational, TOO eager for a fight or conflict especially when his temper is engaged, such as when he’s well....personally hurt or offended.

So how does it follow, then, that avoiding tough conversations ONLY when its on the OTHER person to INITIATE, because they were the ones who DID the wrong-doing and Dick the subject of that rather than the instigator....how does it work, exactly, that these are the only times in which we DON’T tend to see a direct conversation about the harms done and the fallout that resulted? With it being claimed that this is solely for Dick’s benefit, out of a desire to avoid pulling him into an allegedly unnecessary (but really just unpleasant) confrontation?

When the concurrent reality is that whether stated or acknowledged or not.....avoiding these specific conversations and ONLY these conversations (as there never seems to be a problem finding canon or fanfic stories in which Dick apologizes for harm HE’S caused to others or is clearly expected to).....this avoidance also carries the side benefit of allowing the character who DID something wrong to Dick to....not ever have to have that super uncomfortable conversation in which they actually verbally acknowledge the thing they did to him and the effects it had on him, and apologize for that.....and then render themselves vulnerable to actually hearing whether or not he accepts their apology or is still upset with them regardless.

While - as long as they DON’T ever have this conversation, for whatever reason - they can look to the clear and consistent precedent of Dick continuing to work with people who have done things like oh, I don’t know....punched him in the face cuz they’re mad at him (and this isn’t a Bruce critical point, this is a whole damn family critical point as the only one who HASN’T actually done this is Duke. Well, Cass technically just threw him out a window, but I mean, tomato toh-mah-to). Writers and characters both can lean on the fact that actually Dick has a pretty clear track record of ultimately giving up a grudge or at least showing a willingness to look past those grudges enough that it doesn’t prevent him from still maintaining or resuming some kind of relationship with the person who hurt him.

And thus, like Example Numero Uno......this ultimately just lets other characters off the hook while claiming to do Dick a favor, but actually Dick receives no real benefit from it and instead now just has another instance of characters saying “see we respect your wishes” when ultimately their inaction is MORE in service to their own wishes and self-interests.

2b) See also the variation of this in which characters such as Bruce, Jason, Tim and assorted others like....are written specifically determining that they’re not going to apologize to Dick or beg his forgiveness because they feel they don’t DESERVE to be forgiven, and once again....its in HIS best interests that they not even give him the opportunity to say he forgives them....because they know Dick Grayson of course, and they know he’s too forgiving for his own good, so its better to like....not make it ever a possibility in this particular instance.

With the problem here being like.....Dick can’t and shouldn’t be expected to KNOW that’s their logic? So....all he’s going to actually SEE is loved ones just....not expressing remorse for hurting him or acknowledgment it even happened? Which....hurts?

So......hurting your loved one MORE after already hurting them....because you don’t feel you deserve to be forgiven for hurting them in the first place and are actually PROTECTING them from being hurt more when mistakenly forgiving you.....by.....hurting and continuing to hurt them with your silence and lack of evident remorse....

Mmmm.....

Its not the best approach, y’know?

Flaws are detected.

3) Dick’s friends and family manipulating situations in order to get the end result THEY desire, while claiming to do so for his benefit only. Dick being willing to manipulate people to achieve his own ends comes up a LOT actually....but there’s relatively little examination of how often people do this to him, claiming his best interests but really just circumventing his clearly stated desires for independence and the right to make his own choices about what HE needs....or when this is brought up, its usually limited to JUST Bruce doing it, but uh....no that ain’t it.

Specific examples of this are like when Wally joins the 1999 version of the Titans specifically to get Dick to join up, because in his estimation Dick needs more of a social life and is drowning himself with his responsibilities....and then quits not long after Dick is finally officially invested in staying with the team. Another example is when Roy gets Dick to join the Outsiders based entirely on his pitch of NOT treating the team like a family, like they did with the Titans, so that Dick could keep emotional distance and not be as worried about losing them like he suffered from losses like Donna....with his claim again being that he worried about Dick in the aftermath of that loss, etc.

And to be clear! Its not that I think Wally and Roy and others who do similar things have NEGATIVE intentions in mind for Dick. That’s the whole point of this post.....like the other examples, I fully believe THEY believe (or writers believe when writing them this way) that they have Dick’s best interests in mind and not their own. I just....disagree.

THE FATAL FLAW (at least as I see it here):

Is that I view this and Batfam members who do similar stuff as like.....falling into the trap of the savior friend complex. Its that thing when you see a friend hurting, and over time get FRUSTRATED by seeing this when a solution seems obvious to you but think they won’t take it because they’re too stubborn or don’t know what’s best for them....with this specifically recurring a LOT with Dick in particular, due to his core characterization of wanting to be the one to make his own choices. The problem here, same as the problem with the savior friend complex....is that it treats the subject of these views as like....incapable of determining what they need. Its a tacit condemnation that they actually don’t know how to cope with things and are doing it wrong - even though the ones making this assessment will never be the ones actually having to LIVE with the outcome of their meddling. Its the conviction that someone like Dick needs to be HANDLED, for his own good....because he can’t be trusted to KNOW what he needs, not as well as them at least.....and so they jump to manipulation rather than just....ASK him what he needs, or HOW they can best support him, or even just WHY he’s making the choices he is.

For instance, the problem with what Wally did was never that Dick wasn’t struggling. He was. He was drowning in his responsibilities, he had very little to no life outside of them.....Wally is not remotely in the wrong for WANTING to do something to change this situation. The problem is Wally basically defaulted to just...HANDLING his friend by restarting the Titans just to give Dick a social life again, which is pretty much a line straight out of the comics...and basically railroaded right over Dick’s initial ‘no’ when he first heard the proposal. And kept pushing things until Dick eventually joined up in order to get Wally to commit to the team too, because Wally spun it as though Dick was helping Wally by getting Wally to commit to the team for the very same reasons Wally wanted Dick to. And then....right after that, Wally quit to go back to just focusing on the Justice League, which was part of what Dick predicted would happen all along.

The thing was.....at no point along the way did Wally actually ask WHY Dick initially said no....he jumped straight to assuming his own view of the problem, that Dick just COULDN’T be made to ever see the reason to take a break occasionally and put his mental and emotional health as a priority. If he’d done this, Wally could have had dozens of other options to achieve his desired end result....he could’ve like....set up regular hangouts with Dick.

But Wally jumped to assuming he knew the answer, he knew what was best for Dick, and that Dick’s logic was inherently self-destructive and self-flagellating.....and he felt the solution was to bring back the Titans, as he recalled their earlier times as Titans together as a time when Dick was better able to balance his social life and responsibilities.

But by not ever stopping to LISTEN to why Dick felt the way he did and was initially opposed to rejoining the Titans....Wally overlooked one crucial fact: He isn’t Dick.

And more important, his view of the past wasn’t Dick’s view of the past.

Wally was a lot more capable of viewing the Titans as not just a family, but an inherent social life, a hangout, a kind of club....because that’s what it had always been to him.

But he’d never been the leader.

Throughout all their childhoods, the whole time the Titans WERE all of the above, and relatively light-hearted in comparison to their older selves....Dick STILL had the weight of responsibilities that none of the others had by virtue of just...not being the leader. Ultimately, all of their lives were in HIS hands. He was the one calling the shots. The buck stopped with him.

And this is precisely WHY Dick had gotten to the point he had in adulthood. It wasn’t because he’d changed. It wasn’t because he’d stopped figuring out what he needed and how to take care of himself. Its because the position he’d ALWAYS been in as leader....has WEIGHT. That eventually added up more and more and weighed him down. A huge part of the reason Dick had ended up leaving the Titans in the first place, before they disbanded prior to the 1999 revival....is because of the sheer WEIGHT of all the deaths and misfortunes that had befallen the Titans....and how much he and he alone struggled with it in ways the others didn’t....because they didn’t have to. It hadn’t been their plans, their calls, their RESPONSIBILITY to find a way the others could have all made it out alive or at least less traumatized.

So.....of COURSE Dick said no when Wally first proposed restarting the Titans, before Wally defaulted to using his own membership as a lure to get Dick to agree.....because......nothing about the above paragraph had changed, via Wally’s ‘plan.’ It wasn’t because Dick just didn’t KNOW how to be a fully rounded person....it was because nobody was helping him find actual OPTIONS for doing that....that didn’t just double as MORE responsibilities! Because that’s exactly what ended up happening! Dick wound up the leader of the Titans again, just as responsible and just as invested as always.....just like he always knew he would....and also as he knew would happen...Wally ended up quitting not long into it and persuading Jessie Quick to step in as his replacement....aka just one more person for Dick to worry about when it wasn’t like he was going to be worrying any less about Wally, just now he wasn’t going to have Wally there to even POTENTIALLY be able to support him when tragedy inevitably struck because they’re freaking superheroes....and instead he’d just have another person looking to him for the answers but with no reason or chance of being the support Dick could ACTUALLY use at times like that!

Wally’s manipulations circumvented Dick’s opinion that no, actually he knew what was best for him and it wasn’t what Wally was suggesting....without actually accounting for the fact that hey, Dick might actually know that. And in the end, Wally got the result he was after, he got to feel that he’d HELPED his friend....which again, this isn’t WRONG to WANT to....but Dick didn’t...exactly....benefit from this. It wasn’t actually in his best interests ultimately.

I mean...see Donna’s death for details.

And in the aftermath of THAT....Roy essentially did exactly what Wally did....just in REVERSE! Roy got Dick to agree to lead the Outsiders, to shoulder responsibility once again....by promising that Dick WOULDN’T have to view them as family. And did Dick go too far and end up TOO uncaring about their welfare? Yup! No disagreements there! Problem is though....he only ended UP in that situation because yet again a friend thought they KNEW the solution to what Dick needed.....only for Dick to end up essentially punished and further self-blaming....just for doing exactly what Roy had told him TO do, with this particular team. Again - Roy hadn’t EXPECTED Dick to take it this far. But that’s the whole point! Roy had expectations about what Dick would ACTUALLY end up doing, that didn’t match up to the pitch Roy actually gave Dick to GET his agreement.....because Roy all along was of the assumption that by virtue of being Dick Grayson, he wouldn’t be ABLE to avoid connecting with these new teammates and viewing them as family, and thus he’d end up ‘snapping out of it’ with it being the funk he’d been in since Donna’s death.

Roy’s intentions might have been noble, once again.....but his methods stuck to the same pattern of people around Dick believing they knew what he needed or knew who he was or knew what it meant to BE Dick Grayson....better than Dick actually did...particularly when Dick said no, this isn’t what I need or this isn’t a good idea or just...I don’t want to do this.

And in the end....its Dick who ended up paying the price for it, as well as the people who got hurt because of his INTENTIONAL emotional distance.....because the ‘view all surrounding people as new surrogate family’ aspect of the Dick Grayson Experience hadn’t kicked in as Roy thought inevitably would....but the ‘view all this as directly my fault and suffer guilt for it forevermore’ aspect of the Dick Grayson Experience most certainly did! Not at all actually helped along by the fact that like....Roy also expressed frustration with Dick that like.....Dick hadn’t actually responded to Roy’s intended manipulation of his emotions the way Roy had expected him to when he EXPRESSLY TOLD DICK TO BEHAVE THE WAY THAT DICK ULTIMATELY BEHAVED. (Just, he didn’t tell Dick to dial that all the way up to Extra, but given that’s the only setting Dick does ANYTHING at, I feel its a possible outcome Roy should have at least considered. I mean, wasn’t the whole point that you know Dick Grayson better than he knows himself?)

But lo, I am salty.

LMAO, but I mean, you get it right? Obviously, I LIKE Wally and Roy. I LIKE Jason, etc. I’m not saying all of this to be like ugh how dare these characters do all this to Dick....I’m saying it because like.....they all keep falling into the same patterns of making a big fuss and acknowledgment of how much Dick prioritizes being able and free to make his own choices and decide what’s best for him and what HE wants.....

But without ever like....actively asking him AT THE RELEVANT TIME....what he thinks and feels about all this. What he thinks and feels he needs. What he ACTUALLY wants from them, or why he’s ACTUALLY saying no to something and maybe it being for reasons that aren’t just him inherently being stubborn and self-destructive.

And instead just defaulting to falling back on whatever he might have said or expressed in an entirely different context at an entirely different time.....and saying okay, by doing so, we are abiding by his wishes and thus doing what he wants and respecting his right to make his own choices.....

But ONLY when doing all of the above just so happens to align with these other characters then getting to do the thing or take the approach they’re already predisposed towards wanting to take because of their OWN self-interests at the same time.

With this never actually coming into play when respecting Dick’s wishes aligns with them taking actions they DON’T personally want to undertake, because it makes them uncomfy or they think its a bad call, even if it is something that should be his call to make.

Like....the pattern. It very much exists. And abounds. Like I could cite examples allllllllllll the way up to Ric Grayson, where Bruce respected RIC’S wishes to be left alone and not interfere in his life no matter what.....in ways Bruce almost never respects Dick’s actual expressed wish for Bruce to butt out of matters when Bruce is actually quite keen on meddling and would very much like to....

But notice how the other thing about the Ric Grayson storyline is that Ric’s expressed desire to stay the fuck out of vigilantism and superhero work, like.....just so happens to align with Bruce’s longstanding desire for Dick to like...get out of the vigilantism and superhero work? With butting out of Ric’s life and respecting his privacy in ways Dick has to FIGHT him for, like......absolutely the optimal action to take in order to allow this expressed desire of Ric’s to flourish in the ways Bruce always wished would kick in for Dick?

.....just saying.

The pattern. It abounds.

And the key to breaking any pattern, of course, is to first recognize....and acknowledge....that it exists.

Otherwise you tend to fall into the trap of repeating and perpetuating it over and over without even realizing it, simply because its what’s familiar.

This has been A Post by Me. Thank you and have a nice day. Or don’t. Idk. I’m not the boss of you. Whatever.

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vegan-peppermint · 4 years ago

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What happened last night? part 2

Pairing: Sirius Black x Reader

Fandom: Harry Potter- Marauders Era

Chapter summery: The Gryffindors party got a little wild last night. You confront Sirius about what happened between you two.

Genre: fluff, angst, smut

Warnings: mentions of sexual interaction, mentions of hints of rape?

word count; 1.7 k

Part 1 part 3

Masterlist

Buy me a coffee

After an agonizing lesson you couldn’t wait but ask Sirius about last night. Just the thought of you doing something inappropriate with one of your best friends, not to mention while being passed out drunk, made you very uncomfortable. Oh, God, if you can’t even remember because of how much you had to drink, you don’t want to imagine how sloppy the sex could’ve been. Definitely, your memories of your make-out session were under the pink filter of alcohol poisoning. You could only hope he had been just as drunk as you.

While everyone was packing you hurried and grabbed Sirius by his hand.

“A word, Black?” you didn’t even wait for an answer and just dragged him out of the classroom.

“Oh do I love it when you take control, doll!” he said loud enough for the whole goddamn school to hear.

“Sirius, I’m not joking”

“Me neither. Honestly!” he gave you the most genuine smile. You ignored his snarly attitude and didn’t stop walking. “Where are you taking me? Was it all too good last night?” he stopped putting his hands on your sides. “So good you just have to have me right now. Oh, and in the school’s hallway on top of everything!” his eyes measured you up and down making you feel so embarrassed. “Such a dirty girl, are we not?”

“Oh my GOD, Sirius! Can you please, please just drop it?” you said desperately. And it looked as if he was truly considering this until his side mouth arched into the most arrogant smirk you have ever seen.

“I love it when you beg.”

You just stared at him blankly. He was just a lost cause, wasn’t he? Just looking at you so innocently with his puppy eyes, mocking you about God knows what you did. All of this as if he did not just literally punch a slytherin last night just because he talked to you? The nerve of some people.

“Sirius,” you lowered your voice nervously looking around. He picked on and came closer to you. “I don’t really remember that much.” You admitted awkwardly. “I remember us, uhm” you shot him a quick look before nervously turning your eyes to your shoes. “I remember us on the stairs.”

His expression seemed serious for a change. He looked like he was actually listening to you as if he was interested in how you actually felt about last night. He removed his hands from your arms which made you feel a bit more relaxed.

“It is all blurry though-“

Sirius cupped your face making you whimper.

“It takes me everything not to fuck you senseless right now”

“It takes me everything not to beg you to do it.”

“Some parts are less blurry than others.” You continued finally daring to look at him. His jaw was clenched and his eyes were watching you very, very carefully.

“I just wanted to say I was very drunk, and I am sorry if I did something that overstepped your boundaries, and I- Uhm, and I-“, his expression looked so worried, maybe even scared? Yet his vulnerability didn’t make you braver, no. If anything it only made you more anxious. “I just wanted to say that I probably did some very inappropriate stuff and I don’t know if you remember-“

“God, I remember” he spoke clearly. “I did not stop remembering since it happened.”

You felt your stomach fall all five stories beneath you. Sirius seemed to feel the same yet he never for once broke eye-contact.

“I made a total dick out of myself last night, shouting at you and punching that Slytherin, and yet here you are. Here you are apologizing? You are apologizing to me? For overstepping my boundaries? MY boundaries?” his laugh hinted some sadness, you didn’t dare to assume it was shame. “I was aggressive and jealous over nothing. You were drunk, so much drunker than me and I saw that.” He looked to the side maybe sorting his thoughts. “I still didn’t stop. I was such a dick last night. I do not deserve your apology. If anything I am sorry I let it happen.”

You remained silent. What on earth were you supposed to say? You didn’t really think about it but now that he said it like this… You really were vulnerable last night. You feel quite strange realizing that you did some things with Sirius that you no longer remember. But he does. He knew you were much drunker than him yet he didn’t stop. You did not know what to say and you thought you never will.

“What else happened last night?” you whispered softly.

“What do you mean?”

“After the stairs,” you looked up at him. “what happened after?”

Sirius looked at you confused.

“Nothing! You passed out and I just put you to bed, I swear!” he stepped back. “God, Y/N, you thought something more happened?”

You stared at him.

“I mean you DID make it sound as if it was more?” you asked confused.

“Y/N! I’m not a rapist!” he looked really hurt which amused you rather. He looked at you very concerned at lowered his voice. “I am so sorry I ever made you feel as if I could do something like that.”

Well, it explains why you can’t remember anything past that moment. You were relieved that you finally remembered the night and nothing too wild happened. You were not mad at Sirius making out with you last night. The memories were kinda hot and it was something you always secretly wanted to do. However, you couldn’t help but savor Sirius’ guilt. He made fun of you all morning, this serves him right up you would say.

“I don’t think I can forgive you, Sirius.” You swore you could see him wince. “Really.”

“Y/N, I am so, so sorry. I understand any decision you will make but-“

“Silence!” you tried your best not to laugh. “You know, in my culture after basically invading me like that you would be obliged to marry me.”

Sirius was startled, he clearly was so lost.

”In your what now?”

“Honestly, how would I seem in the public eye?”

“The public eye?” he repeated blankly.

“Precisely. You have no choice but to marry me. After that encounter how could another man even look at me?”

Sirius took a deep breath and started to massage his temples. It took him some time before coming back with the pretentious shit-eating grin you grew to love.

“Unfortunately, I cannot marry you. You are not beautiful, do not have any wealth and, quite frankly, you are short”

“The best you got?” You giggled.

“Ah, ah, ah!” he interrupted you. “However! Because I am so generous-“

“And kind” you added.

“And kind.” He completed. He came closer this time, eyes sparkling. “I shall take you on one (he raised one finger as if to be more clear), one date to Madam Puddifoot's Tea Shop.”

“Puddifoot's Tea Shop?” you questioned teasingly. “That’s quite romantic, Black. I don’t think I’ll be able to restrict myself to only one date after that.”

“Then I’ll have no other choice than to take you on more.” He smiled, and for the first time, you saw his smile. No disrespectful snigger or smugly smirk, just his smile. This made you realized he was serious.

You stopped grinning and glared at him. Was he genuinely asking you on a date? The infamous Sirius goddamn Black, with who you had a drunk make-out session last night had the audacity (THE AUDACITY) to ask you on a fucking date?

“What?” you asked abruptly. He looked fascinated at your lips then back at your eyes before bursting out laughing which only made your cheeks burn. You felt so stupid for believing this prick. “Whatever, Black. I’ll go to my next class, you should do. Can’t afford to lose more points.” You spurted rushing past him, eyesight in the ground. You prayed he wouldn’t notice your embarrassment but you knew very well it was written all over your stupid lobster face.

“Hey, hey wait, doll!” he caught your arm squeezing it just enough to make you think of his grip in other circumstances. “You did not tell me when we are going on our date.” He chuckled realizing you won’t dare answer again. “I was thinking Saturday, after Quidditch?” he raised an eyebrow scanning your expression which only made you look somewhere behind him. You waited a little for the punchline but it never came. You glanced at Sirius again before nodding. He raised his eyebrows quickly before smiling widely. You never noticed how sharp his canines were before.

“See you Saturday!” he said before waving and walking away. He walked like the biggest stick was up his ass and you could only burst out laughing. What the fuck did just happen?

//Okay so it was kinda rushed, I’m sorry. I was just so excited to post this chapter that I rushed through the story line :((

The next chapters will not be named “what happened last night” (for obvious reasons) but will be the same story line. I will put a master list in the description as soon as I figure out how to do that.//

#the marauders #sirius #sirius smut #sirius x you #sirius x y/n #sirius black #sirius black imagine #sirius black smut #the marauders smut #the maraunders map #harry poter fanfiction #smut #marauders x y/n #marauders x reader #marauders era

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nano--raptor · 4 years ago

Text

Here for you

Pairing: Sam Wilson x Bucky Barnes

Words: 663

Warnings: 18+ ONLY! Just a bit of angst, but also some fluff and softness

A/N: This is for SamBucky Week for @the-marvel-horniest-book-club FATWS Month, with the prompt: There was only one bed. Here’s a little something exploring one of Bucky’s dark nights, and him not wanting to be alone.❤

Thank you so much for reading!

Please do not click ‘keep reading’ if you are under 18.

* * * *

The first time Bucky showed up at Sam's in the middle of the night, Sam knew it was bad.

He looked haggard, like all his stress and worries were finally catching up with him. Like the nightmares and the loneliness wouldn’t leave him alone.

“Bucky,” Sam stated, softly, gently. “You okay man?” Bucky just shook his head stiffly, keeping his eyes cast down at his feet, before asking Sam just as quietly.

“Can I come in?”

“Yeah, of course.” Sam opened the door wider, closing and locking it again behind Bucky. “Make yourself at home. You want a drink or something?” Bucky shook his head again, heading over to the couch and just flopping onto it. Sam went to the kitchen to grab some water, then came back, sitting down opposite the other man.

It was quiet for a while, Sam knew Bucky liked to just sit and decompress. He just didn’t want to be alone. These were changing times, and if it felt like things changed fast for Sam, he couldn’t imagine how it felt for Bucky.

“Tell me what’s goin’ on.” He finally prompted, and Bucky rolled over onto his back with a sigh.

“I dunno. I just didn’t want to be alone.” His voice sounded small, somewhat lost, and Sam wanted to hug him, just hold him and let him know that things would be alright. “Sorry,” Bucky added. Sam smiled then, hoping Bucky would hear it in his voice.

“Look man, do not apologize. I’m here for you. You can come by anytime you want.” He wasn’t sure if Bucky smiled then too in the dark, but he did look Sam’s way, and Sam could see his eyes sparkling even in the darkness.

“Thanks.” They sat for a while longer, and Bucky didn’t say much, but eventually Sam couldn’t keep from yawning. He stood and stretched, deciding to try and get some more sleep.

“I'm going to bed, but I don’t have a spare room so.... You can come too if you want, but you’re welcome to stay on the couch.”

“Nah, I’m… I’m fine here. Thanks.” Sam nodded, then padded back to his bedroom and crawled back into bed. But he couldn’t stop thinking about Bucky. His heart felt for him. He couldn’t imagine what he’d gone through, how he must feel at night, how hard some days must be for him. Sure they’d chatted, but he felt like Bucky hadn’t truly opened up to him. Not that he blamed him, but he wanted to let Bucky know again that he was here, if he ever did feel like getting into the deeper, heavier stuff. Sam always did what he could to help people through their grief, and just the fact that Bucky had come here on his own, it made Sam feel good. Like Bucky trusted him, and that was a good start.

Sam was almost drifting off when he heard the bedroom door slowly open, and footsteps make their way through the room. Then Bucky was standing by the edge of the bed.

“Sam.” It was a rough whisper, and Sam found himself smiling and rolling over. “Sam… can I…” Bucky’s voice trailed off and Sam grunted, shuffling over and pulling the blankets back.

“Yeah get in,” he rumbled, rolling onto his back and smiling when Bucky crawled in under the blankets. It took him a while to settle in and get comfortable, no doubt feeling vulnerable, but Sam didn’t say anything, instead just letting Bucky do his thing and find that comfortable spot. Finally he stilled, and eventually his breathing evened out. Sam wanted to hold him, wanted to rub his back or his arm, but he didn’t want to overstep any boundaries and make Bucky uncomfortable.

But after a while, when Bucky rolled over in his sleep and snuggled up against Sam’s body, Sam couldn’t help but pull him close, the rhythmic sound of Bucky’s breathing eventually lulling him back to sleep as well.

* Follow @nano--raptor-writes�� for my taglist! *

#sam wilson x bucky barnes #bucky barnes x sam wilson #marvelhbcfatws #sambucky #sam wilson #bucky barnes #sam x bucky fluff #sam x bucky #bucky x sam #bucky barnes imagines #bucky barnes angst #bucky barnes fluff #sam wilson imagines #sam wilson fluff #tfatws #tfatws spoilers

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ithinkofnealcassady · 3 years ago

Note

i understand why you changed the name of ur fic, it’s ultimately abt whatever makes U comfortable as a person & a creator. but i also don’t think anyone thought that u were endorsing/in some way furthering the psychic & physical pain brought on by the murders committed by the manson family by quoting a beatles song for the titles of your fanfiction? & if they did, i really don’t think that’s like, a particularly logically sound way of seeing individual responsibility. i hope this doesn’t come off as mean or nosy, i think u should just, do what u want: & if the name change came unprompted, good on u! but the way u phrased the announcement, ig to me, it made it seem like perhaps, someone made u feel like that was on u to feel guilty on like, this larger, cosmic level as a blogger with an extremely niche following via your story? & i just thot - id pop in & say that like. well. in my opinion, as someone who has experienced a lot of useless guilt online, most people don’t actually think that way, nor are they meant to. i apologize if i’m overstepping. just something to think on i suppose.

this is a really interesting message to have received mostly because it seems to be acting on an instinct to protect me rather than the ppl of marginalized identities to whom the title raised the question of whether or not i am an ally to them.

it wasn’t guilt that made me change the title, but rather a sense of duty to ensure i wasn’t in any way, purposeful or not, alluding to horrible, white-supremacist rhetoric. i do hope that the text itself and the references to the song in scenes of the story made it clear i wasn’t alluding to manson, but that doesn’t change the fact that the phrase i was using as the title is inextricably tied to the manson family, and therefore invokes manson’s beliefs. i feel that changing the title was a way to take responsibility for the safety of readers/anyone who may come across the fic. it’s one thing to say my accounts are a safe space, but another thing entirely to take initiative and ensure they really truly are.

i promise i’m not the one that needs defending here. and if my apology seemed prompted, then i’m DOUBLY sorry, because i did not AT ALL mean to sound like i only changed the title to assuage people’s concerns. i only referenced being informed of the manson connection by others in order to give credit to those who did inform me, because i can imagine based upon seeing other creator’s reactions to being called out that it wasn’t an unnervewracking experience. i hoped that noting the info was brought to my attention would make it so anyone would feel comfortable correcting me if there is anything else in my writing that may be derived from unconscious bias or which might make them uncomfortable. the guilt i felt for making readers uncomfortable wasn’t useless to me anyhow as i am able to use it to continue this conversation. my marginalized friends/followers are of far more importance than any discomfort i might feel in having to confront a lack of my own knowledge.

#nothing left tag

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gaeilgeoirgay · 3 years ago

Text

SpideyTorch Week Day Six -Space

I used the alternate theme of space today, so I hope you enjoy it!

Ao3 Link

@spideytorchweek

it could be a smile (if you’re feeling generous)

Johnny scowls at the alien prince who’s daring to flirt with his Peter. The prince knows they’re together and he’s still trying to get into Peter’s pants! Johnny can’t blame him for thinking Peter’s attractive, but God, when someone tells you they’re not interested and in a happy relationship, it’s practically a neon sign saying “no flirting allowed!” and this guy is just not getting it.

Peter looks uncomfortable and Johnny would go over and save him (and maybe punch Prince Can’t Keep His Hands To Himself) except he’s currently talking to the Queen and he can’t exactly leave the conversation just to deck her son in the face. That would incite a massive intergalactic diplomatic incident and then Sue would be disappointed in him and also all of them might die because Johnny committed the crime of assaulting literal royalty.

The Queen notices his straying gaze though and sighs when she sees where its landed. Johnny panics for a second, thinking she’s sighing at his rudeness but her eyes are locked on her son.

“That boy, honestly. No matter how his mother and I try to teach him he goes and does this again and again. Sir Storm, feel free to go to your beloved and send my son to me. It seems he needs yet another lecture on what it means when a person says no. And he wonders why his sister is heiress to the throne instead of him. My deepest apologies on his behaviour.” She says, shaking her head sadly.

Johnny’s eyes widen and he gives a hasty bow to her. “Thank you, my lady. The fault is not yours.” He says before he makes a beeline for Peter, who sees him coming instantly. His shoulders slump in relief and Johnny quickens his pace as the prince has the sheer audacity to lay a hand on Peter’s arm.

He slides between two of the glowing-blue aliens that make up the planet with a quick apology and finally makes it to Peter. He takes hold of Peter’s hand and bares his teeth at the Prince in what might be called a smile if the observer was being generous.

“Prince Ahkilus. I see you’ve been keeping my lover company while I’ve been gone. Your mother, the Queen, was just asking after you.” He says as politely as he can manage and the Prince’s face hardens. Literally. The inhabitants of the planet have a jelly-like blue form that can change consistency at will. It’s both cool and creepy.

“You’re his lover? I’ll admit I’m surprised. Such a lovely creature like yourself could do a lot better.” Ahkilus says condescendingly. Both Peter and Johnny are taken aback by the sheer confidence he has in insulting Johnny, despite this being a diplomatic alliance that both parties want.

Peter recovers first though. “Yes, Johnny is my partner, in all ways, and I could not in fact “do better”. I love Johnny and I happen to think he’s incredible. I don’t like your tone of voice nor your words, Your Highness, and I certainly do not appreciate you calling me a “creature”. I believe this conversation is over.” He says sharply, and the Prince gapes at him.

“I am a Prince! How could this.. this.. glorified flamethrower be better than me!” Akhilus splutters indignantly. Glorified flamethrower. Huh, gotta give him points for no creativity whatsoever. Johnny’s been called better by worse people. Even Doom has better insults.

“For starters, Johnny treats me like the person I am. He also loves me genuinely rather than just my body. And yes, the “glorified flamethrower�� is a better match than you are.” Peter retorts. Hah, match. Probably not an intentional pun though, because that’s the third time he’s quoted Akhilus’ words back to him. When Peter starts quoting, you start hiding. It’s one of the few indicators that he’s truly furious and any sane being should be running.

Akhilus however, is not just short a few spanners, he never had a toolbox in the first place. The idiot continues spluttering and starts gearing up for more insults against Johnny and for more creepy “compliments” to Peter. Johnny may not know much about this planet’s flirting customs but he’s pretty sure it’s a bad idea to call the person you’re interested in a creature. “I will not be disrespected like this! I am royalty and I may choose whatever consort I please! No man could be better for you than I am.” Akhilus says, offended. Okay, Johnny is pissed now. Peter is his own person and Akhilus doesn’t get to just decide that he’s his consort. He lets Peter handle it though because he’s the one Akhilus is trying to “claim”. He gets to kick the creep’s ass, no matter how much Johnny would like to do it.

“Excuse me? I am no ones consort. I chose Johhny and I will continue to choose Johnny, especially over you! I’ve already told you that I’m not interested, I have continually shown I am not interested and I would very much like for you to fuck off!” Peter snarls at Akhilus, flushed and angry. It’s kind of hot though.

Johnny can’t resist getting in a little bit of verbal evisceration for himself though. “Peter’s made it clear he doesn’t want you, Akhilus. Your mother does though and I imagine she’ll be having a pretty long conversation with you as to why the third royal in line to the throne should refrain from ignoring other people’s refusals. You and the word “no” may not get along but it’s gonna cost you a whole lot more than a shot at the throne if you don’t try to learn it.” He says smoothly and Akhilus goes purple.

“Are you threatening me?” He demands. Johhny shakes his head. “I’m just letting you know how the world works, Princey. But yeah, if I wasn’t here as a diplomat I’d be setting you on fire. Just a bit.” He says pleasantly, a bright smile fixed on his lips.

Akhilus starts to raise his hand, probably to hit Johnny, and Johnny is fully prepared to claim self defense if he does, but the Prince's arm is caught by the Queen, who is radiating displeasure like an angry mother-shaped tornado. Rest in pieces Akhilus, Johnny will not miss you.

Akhilus grows a braincell and stays silent as his mother tells her guards to bring him back to his room, which is probably the best idea he’s had all night. Meanwhile, the Queen turns to the two of them with apology written all over her face.

“I am truly sorry for how Akhilus acted. Rest assured, he will be punished for his blatant overstepping of your boundaries and for the insults he cast at you.” She says gravely and Johnny shakes his head.

“You did the best you could to raise him, Your Majesty. His words are his own. You don’t need to apologise.” He says sincerely and the Queen smiles.

“I see why your lover defended you so vehemently. You are a kind man, Johnathan Storm.” She says kindly and Johnny blushes. It is nice to hear though, especially after how harsh Akhilus had been.

The Queen soon says her goodbyes, stating that she must attend to the other guests and speak to her wife and Johnny and Peter both gove her their best wishes. Every other aspect of their visit has been perfect and Johnny would honestly love to come back. She extends her invitation to the two of them anytime they want it as well, so they’re definitely welcome.

Peter slumps against his side once the Queen is gone and sighs deeply. Johnny can’t help but emulate him, because it’s been a really long day and Akhilus’s bastardry was really the cherry on top. God, he could sleep for a week.

“How about we head back to our room and go to sleep on that ridiculously comfy bed?” Peter says tiredly. “You read my mind, sweetheart. You read my mind.” Johnny says so they do exactly that. Johnny’s asleep within seconds, his hand intertwined with Peter as they both drift off, all thoughts of Akhilus replaced with each other.

#spideytorchweek2021 #spideytorch #peter parker #johnny storm #fanfiction

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sneezefiction · 4 years ago

Note

can I request a hc with “I told you not to fall in love with me.” for akaashi? I enjoyed the sleepover writing so much!!! also,, can you turn it into an angst to fluff bc,,I cry easily and maybe a timeskip with the relationship? thank u 👁👅👁

Akaashi x reader - scenario

prompt: “I told you not to fall in love with me.”

a/n: i legit retyped this whole thing 3 times with different story lines each time lmao. no idea why i couldn’t decide on something ahh. i’m sorry if it isn’t exactly what you were anticipating (couldn’t turn it into a hc, had to do a scenario,) but this is how i interpreted it! thank you so much for reading and requesting!! <3333 kind of an angst to fluff situation

warnings: suggests nsfw in the beginning

wc: 1710

---

A mistake.

It was a huge, thoughtless mistake.

I mean, what did you think would happen?

That one night with Akaashi would be easy to forget? That, after liking him for months, you would just stop caring? That your touch starved body would immediately go back to normal after having his hands all over you?

You still feel the ghost of his fingertips trailing over your skin… and you shiver.

“Don’t go falling in love with me.” He’d murmured, jokingly, his words followed by a light chuckle.

You just joined him with a short, breathy laugh in response, splayed out on his bed, exhausted.

Oh, the irony.

---

It’s morning after, and a golden glow stirs you out of your sleep. The soreness in your legs and the unfamiliar scent of someone else’s home overwhelms your senses. You’re still in his bed, your body still intertwined with Akaashi’s. His eyebrows are furrowed, his breathing is steady. He’s still in a deep sleep.

So pretty… you think as you study his features.

It’s what you’ve wanted… just not under the right circumstance. Even though you know it’s probably a bad idea, you decide to not leave right away.

Instead, you resolve to fix breakfast for the two of you. Under the best of circumstances, you’ll chat. Maybe laugh a little?

Slipping out of his sheets, you carefully pull on a white tee shirt and shorts, making your way out of the room, try not to knock into anything.

The kitchen, now visible in the early morning daylight, is neat and tidy, nothing out of place. It’s nothing fancy, but it’s efficient and it’s just so… him.

As you’re making pancakes and bacon (you found ingredients in the pantry and bacon in the fridge,) you hear soft footsteps.

“What... are you doing here?” He questions sleepily. The confusion is apparent on his face… he’d clearly expected you to run off right when you woke up.

“Oh, sorry… I just thought I’d make you breakfast. There’s coffee brewing right now.” You speak quietly, not wanting to reveal your embarrassment.

Ah, that’s right… you weren’t supposed to be here. You overstepped an unspoken boundary.

He just hums, taking a seat at his kitchen table right across from where you’re cooking. He’d had his assumptions about you… he knew you had liked him in the past, but he hadn’t predicted the possibility of you staying throughout the morning. His foresight ended when last night began.

A mistake, now, on his part.

And he grew steadily more uncomfortable.

It’s not that he doesn’t want you around… but he hadn’t planned on you knowing him. He had boundaries for a reason. Standards and space to keep people away from him.

A habit he’d developed subconsciously throughout the years to protect himself.

Yet, you were still here. In his kitchen, at his house, with his number… making breakfast for him.

All this after a long night of exploration. Body-to-body contact. Physical interaction with someone, admittedly very beautiful, that he hasn’t had in a long time.

It’s too close for comfort.

“I’m sorry, but I’m not sure we’re on the same page right now…” He starts.

You turn around, realizing the conversation you’re about to have… isn’t going to be very fun.

“Y/n, I told you I’m not used to these things. Don’t get me wrong… you’re kind for making me breakfast and I genuinely enjoyed last night… but I didn’t sign up for a relationship.” He states bluntly, trying to combat the creeping feeling of guilt in his stomach.

There’s something else there too, but he can’t quite figure out what the emotion is.

Your eyes are getting a little teary, but you manage to hold back any tears of embarrassment.

“I’m so sorry… I just, I don’t know, I thought maybe you would see me differently? I, uhm… I really like you. A lot.” You try to compose yourself, but your hands become shaky so you grab onto the countertop.

“I told you not to fall in love with me.” He reminds you of his playful words from last night, but it sounds far more serious this time. “I don’t know what you were expecting from me, but I’m not interested in this continuing.” He tries to reason, noticing the redness appearing slowly on your face.

“I hate to break it to you, Akaashi, but that’s not exactly how emotions work. For most people at least.” You crack a small smile, but it won’t fool Akaashi… and it’s definitely not fooling you.

And a tear betrays you, slipping down your cheek to the tip of your chin, onto the floor below.

Once one leaves your eye, the others decide to follow. Your dove-white shirt now wet and covered in tear stains.

How humiliating. Thinking that something as stupid as sleeping with Akaashi would produce some semblance of feelings in him. That somehow you would be adequate enough for him in one night that he could see some relationship with you in the future.

Yes, it was a huge mistake.

On both sides.

So you head home, leaving him in the wake of your emotions and him stuck in his thoughts, processing why he’d allowed this to happen.

The room feels empty without you in it.

Why is that? And why does he feel so bad about it? He didn’t do anything wrong. Or did he?

Why does he want to call you right now? Why does he suddenly need to explain himself? He has no reason to. You never asked him to…

He buries his head in his hands for a few minutes then decides on a shower. That should wash away whatever pit he’s feeling in his stomach right now.

But the feeling lingers.

And it chooses to nag at him for months, with no end in sight.

---

Time passed and college is more or less overtaking your life. The end of the semester leaves you overwhelmed and burnt out. So yeah, you’re contemplating, once again, why you went to college in the first place.

However, without the distraction of school, you probably would still be ruminating on last semester’s heartbreaker of an issue.

The workload allowed you to let go of any hope for Akaashi returning feeling or reaching out.

Numbing something isn’t always the best way to get rid of your feelings, but you can’t help but think they wouldn’t have gone away without some mental diversion.

Your expectations were too high and it was best for you to burn that bridge. Or whatever was left to burn anyway.

But fate likes to play cruel tricks and you seem to be its target for the day.

As you leave your dorm, a wave of familiarity washes over you.

That smell… that cologne. It’s a sharp slap to the face.

You finally make it out of the thick, painful realization that Akaashi isn’t going to be a part of your life anymore… and your mind draws you right back in.

But it isn’t just the cologne. No.

The familiar features, physical and vocal, decided to rejoin you as well.

The universe had the audacity to place him on the walkway up to your dorm room.

You attempt to slink past him, turning your face hoping that he hadn’t already seen you, but you simply aren’t fast enough.

“It’s been a while, y/n.” He states.

Your heart drops and you slowly turn around, body stiff.

“Why are you here?” It sounds more like an accusation than a question. Oops.

“Well, maybe it’s because we go to the same school?” He chuckles, but straightens himself up.

“Yeah… well I’ve gotta run. I’m late for, um, things.” You reply, trying to get yourself out of an increasingly awkward situation.

Akaashi takes a step forward and gently, but firmly, grasps your jacket’s sleeve.

“Hold on.” He orders, then softens the command with a, “Please.”

“I actually came here to- ehem, apologize.” He looks you straight in the eye.

He seems genuine, his hurt translating through his eyes.

“You didn’t deserve what I did to you.” He admits, “I knew you’d liked me… and I- I was selfish.”

He reads your face, noting the look of exhausted grief in your expression.

In a way, he had used you. He knew you felt something for him… and inadvertently took advantage of it. Not wanting strings attached, not caring (in the moment) that it might hurt you, and not communicating his intentions.

“A friend of yours finally told me where you lived, so I ran over here to let you know that I am, truly, so sorry.”

Your eyes are misty again… why am I like this.

You give a gentle smile, trying to ease the tension in the air.

“Akaashi, it’s okay. It was a mistake. Things like this happen all the time.” You do your best to console the boy, the one who’s still gripping your jacket. Even though it’s really you who needs a hug right now.

“I’m gonna head-on, but I hope you feel better, okay? Don’t go overthinking things.” You tease, gently. It’s the best you can do.

But he doesn’t let go.

“I want to talk with you.” He states, this time with a tone of interest, not pleading. Asking.

“What do you mean?” You ask, genuinely confused. You feel yourself getting warm and it’s not the layers you’re wearing.

His unoccupied hand makes its way to the back of his head. “Like… on a date. Or just out somewhere.”

The directness shocks you. Why now? Why not then? Should you even trus-

“I understand if you don’t trust me. You’re right… that night was a mistake. But you aren’t.”

He’s flushed, but it’s crystal clear that he’s being honest. He let’s go of your jacket.

“I think I can trust you, y/n. I want to make it up to you… get to know you better. For the right reasons.”

You contemplate it, making him wait for a moment, allowing several, long seconds to pass.

Yes, he caused pain.

But there are two pieces to any problem. Person A and person B.

You’ve been given second chances all your life… from jobs, to relational mistakes, to breakups. Forgiveness is one of the most powerful forces.

And you figure person B could use a second chance.

“Then let’s start slow.” You decide and reach out a hand with a mischievous glint in your eyes, letting your humor shine through for a moment.

“Hi, I’m y/n.”

He reaches his own hand out to yours, but instead of shaking it, intertwines his fingers with yours, in a sense, sealing the deal.

“Hi, y/n, I’m Akaashi.” He reintroduces himself with a small, but glowing smile.

#haikyuu!!#haikyu #haikyuu angst #haikyuu fluff #akaashi keiji #akaashi haikyuu #akaashi scenarios #akaashi oneshot #akaashi x reader #akaashi #akaashi fluff #akaashi angst #akaashi x y/n #akaashi x you #hq #hq scenarios #haikyuu scenarios #haikyuu x reader #sneezefiction

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bestyouuniveristy · 3 years ago

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i am doing v v badly right now. i'm not sure on the right words. but it is bad.

I would like to apologize in advance for my language and for sounding like an asshole. It’s honestly just the way I type. Everything I say is with all the love and sunshine in the world.

Hey @calictii!

While I don’t know what exactly you are going through, I did take a little peek at your most recent post. First off, what you said was not dumb as fuck. Never invalidate your own feelings that way. It is harmful to the soul. Second, I have to say, I get it. I totally 100% get it. It’s hard to deal with these things on a daily basis when you’re young and still trying figure out who you are in the process of your mind tearing you down. I was there a couple of years ago myself. The only way I got through it was by throwing myself headfirst into the military where all feelings were invalid. Not saying that was the right way, but it’s what I did to hide from it. It’s okay to feel the way you do. Maybe lost, confused, hopeless. I’m not sure if you ever got professional help and are ready to start your life, or if you are still struggling and can admit that you need to start your life soon. Either way, you can’t look at it as if you were behind everyone else. It’s not a competition. You’re not behind in the race. You have time to map things out. Don’t have money? A lot of local stores and fast food chains start hiring after summer break. Want to go to college? There are plenty of financial aid options available to you. Wanna crawl into a hole and die? No. Just no.

I noticed the hashtag that said you didn’t like yourself. I remember feeling that way when I was depressed. I hated myself and cried myself to sleep just about every night. Nobody in my house cared how I felt though. So I never got any professional help. But I can tell you this. You might feel like you are alone, and in the dark, but you’re not. You have the entire world at your disposal and if you feel like you don’t, I’m here to help you understand everyday why you’re not.

A lot of this getting better shit is just reclaiming your life. You have to have that mindset that says, “world, I am a badass. Hit me with everything you got.” And with that comes the responsibility you have to yourself to be unapologetically, you. The world is not out to get you, people are not staring at you in that store, nobody is watching you sit in your car. Nothing you do is being judged to the point where you have to hide away and shelter your true self. Because no one cares! It took me so long to realize that but no one gives a fuck what you do or when, how and why you do it.

“You can get through anything in the moment , but it’s the fear of what might happen that undoes us.”

-The Fosters

All of these thoughts that go on in your head during your episodes aren’t real. Well, I mean, they’re real to you. But not to anyone else. No one knows that you hate yourself or that you feel uncomfortable in your own body. Nobody knows that you feel badly about your situation. Nobody knows because it’s none of their business. Nobody knows because they don’t care. One of the first steps is regaining your confidence. You have to adapt the mindset that nobody knows all of these deep sad thoughts I’m thinking about myself so I can truly be myself. Nobody know that I’m crying on the inside because I think I look stupid, so ima go get some ice cream. Nobody knows that I want to kill myself every time I open my eyes and the bright burning fireball called the sun is penetrating my eyeballs, so ima go take a walk around the park. It’s the little things, that aren’t so little, that make the difference. You have to combat every negative thought with a positive one in turn. If you have nothing positive to say about yourself or the situation, take a walk, drink some water, take a warm shower. Depression and anxiety damage your perspective of the world and how you react to it. That short fuse? In your head. That tiredness that’s killing you? In your head. That body ache? In your head. It’s difficult to shake the thoughts and the mindset that you have adapted throughout your entire life in response to the depression. But you have to start somewhere.

With that being said. There are steps you should consider taking when it comes to getting better, if you are willing. Increase you water intake. This is very important! Hydration not only helps improve your energy levels, it also helps to clear and hydrate your skin. Start off by drinking a cup of water a day and increase your intake by a cup or two every week until you reach a gallon a day. As much as I hate to admit this, exercise is extremely important for your mental health. Even if you only do a simple workout for 15 minutes a day, you are aiding in the healing of you mind. Sometimes it sucks to get out of bed as it is but sometimes you have to push past the things that make you uncomfortable in order to get better. Which brings me to sleep schedule. Do not underestimate the value of sleep when it comes to healing. There is a reason that doctors tell you to get lots of rest when you’re sick. And I know your sleep schedule is probably fucked but everything I said before this actually sets you up for an improved sleep schedule. Set a wake up time on your phone or alarm. Make sure it’s a time that you feel comfortable waking up at every day. And then set a good night alarm for a decent hour. Make sure there is no more and no less than 8 hours in between wake up and goodnight. And last but not least, a positive attitude goes a long way. You cannot and will not get better of you don’t put in the effort. If you start getting negative thoughts and your first reaction is “fuck, I’m going to kill myself” you’re not helping yourself. Instead, take a step back from whatever you’re doing and realize who the fuck you are. Take a step back and take a deep breath. Take a step back and count to ten. Take a step back and try again. Find the positive in whatever negative thing that crosses your mind. “Idk what the fuck to do with my life! Ugh I’m so tired of this!”…… “I am alive. I was given this life for a reason. Let me go and figure that out.” You know what I mean? And I know it’s hard, trust me. Been there done that. And that’s exactly my point. Someday, you’ll be saying “been there, some that” to the next person who is having your same issues. And it will feel so fucking good to be able to say “I helped someone today, because of what I went through. I am not a burden. Never was.” And you won’t have to regret a single moment of what you did to get better.

(Do all of the above for two weeks straight and notice the difference in your mind.)

You are not worthless. You are not a burden. You are not disposable. You are not ugly. You are not stupid. You are not a waste of space. You are you. And you have missed out on a lot of things that you can bring to the table because of this disease that is telling you it’s not worth it. I take that back. You didn’t miss out. You and everything you have to offer is still there. You just have to be willing to put in the necessary work in order to get you back. It’s completely possible. You are in control of your own life. You don’t need the medication and the therapy if you trust yourself enough. But also DO NOT HESITATE TO GET THE NECESSARY PROFESSIONAL HELP NEEDED.

I guess what I’m trying to say is. I’m sorry that you are going through this. But, hopefully, one day you’ll be okay. It’s not too late to do everything that you feel you needed to do ten years ago. It’s not all gonna come at once but it will come. Be patient with yourself. Respect yourself. Know that it won’t be easy. But I can guarantee you that the view from the top is pretty fucking good.

-Your newest friend @feelingsarehar3 ❤️‍🔥

Also, I’m sorry if I overstepped in any way. It was not my intention. I’m just an ask away.

#encouragement #motivation #fitspo #motivational quotes #inspiration #positive mental attitude #positive thoughts #self care #self care reminder #positivity

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otomeramblings · 4 years ago

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First steps, first hurdles.

Characters: Azuma, Mai (OC)

A/N: this is the first one-shot for my A3! oc Mai and how she and Azuma got close after a stroke of (bad) luck. I’ll probably write more about her relations with the guys she’s closest to but you’re also welcomed to ask more about her if you want to lol If you didn’t see it, her introduction is right here

“I didn’t peg you for a cook,” Mai blurted out, breaking the silence.

Azuma breathed out a laugh, hands busy chopping vegetables in a clearly practiced manner.

“I may be not as good as Omi, but I know how to make some basic things,” he clarified, turning his head and throwing a smile her way.

She smiled back but her hands gave away her slight nervous energy as her fingers tapped at the wood, caressing the surface as one would the keys of a piano.

“Are you sure you don’t want any help?” she couldn’t help but ask once again.

“My, are you that scared of my cooking?” he cocked his head; and even though she could see the mirth in his eyes and hear the teasing tilt to his voice, she was quick to shake her head.

“No no! It’s just that I feel kinda guilty,” she clarified. “I mean, you’ve already helped me so much and we could just have ordered some take out… ” Mai hated that she could feel her voice dying out and the heat in her cheeks, but she couldn’t help it. She felt like she had already burdened him more than enough.

Azuma let out another short laugh as he shook his head. “Nonsense,” he refuted. “Homemade food is always better for when you’re sick.”

“I’m not sick, though.” She raised a single eyebrow.

He gestured with a wave of his hand to her ankle which now rested on a pillow on the chair next to hers. “Sick, hurt, same difference.” He slowly started adding the chopped vegetables to the broth that was simmering on the stove. “The point is, you need to take it easy and I don’t mind doing this for you.”

“Okay, okay, you win.” She raised her palms up in surrender and, in return, he smiled in self-satisfaction.

Mai was still a bit unsure but nevertheless kept her word and let him do his thing.

As she looked at him move about in her kitchen, owning the space with his presence as she suspected he did everywhere he went, Mai couldn’t help but shake her head in disbelief. If you had told her that this was how her day was going to end when she woke up that morning, she wouldn’t have believed you. From her running late from a meeting, to her tripping on a small loose pebble and twisting her ankle, to Azuma seeing her by chance and accompanying her to the hospital and then to her house, all of it almost seemed unreal. All these little coincidences amounted to her current predicament and she almost wanted to laugh.

Even as they made small talk while he cooked and then talked a bit more during dinner, a small part of her still felt dazed. However, as time passed, the drumming of her fingers came to a halt and her words started to flow more naturally. He must have taken note of that because he was quick to up the teasing remarks she had come to associate with him once again. She knew that he was clearly amused by the embarrassment the soft dusting of pink on her cheeks betrayed, but it didn’t bother her as much as she thought it would or even as much as it had when she had first met him.

Yuki had spoken very highly of Azuma and that had caught her attention in and of itself since the number of adults Yuki genuinely respected wasn’t very high. But it was everything that had taken place today what had truly made her see the man in a different light. His teasing was harmless fun, or at least that was what she wanted and was willing to believe. So as the night progressed, she allowed herself to enjoy the company of who she hoped was a new friend.

----

Mai sighed and finally put down her phone.

“Everything okay?” Azuma questioned, picking up the weariness in her tone.

“Yeah, just finished sending an email to my boss and to two students I had to tutor tomorrow,” she replied, intertwining her fingers and stretching her arms above her head. “Thankfully, I didn’t have a class scheduled tomorrow and I can just ask the two boys to have the lesson online.”

As Azuma lifted his eyes from the soapy dishes he was washing, he could see her grabbing what he assumed to be a planner and then scribbling down some notes.

“Not a moment’s rest, hmm?” he mused.

She didn’t look up nor stopped writing to answer. “I don’t know about that; sometimes you’ve just gotta get things done.”

Azuma hummed at that, his eyes once again focused on the dishes as he rinsed the two glasses they had used. He recalled something Yuki had once said one time she had dropped him off at the dorms and had to leave immediately for an appointment:

“She’s always like this.” The teen rolled his eyes but Azuma could see the slight concern hidden in his gaze. “Going full throttle for everyone and everything.”

“That is true,” he agreed after a pause and added, “but sometimes you also need to step back and make sure you’re taking care of yourself.”

The sound of pen against paper subsided for a moment but when he turned to stare at her, he noticed that her head was still lowered. Her hair, which usually neatly framed her features, now worked almost like a long green curtain, obscuring half of her face to him. The silence stretched just a bit on the side of too long to make him realize that he had most likely touched a sensitive topic. He opened his mouth, ready to apologize for overstepping; however, she beat him to the punch.

“Yeah, well, sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do before doing all that relaxing, right?” she laughed, short and quick, still not looking up, and went back to her notes.

Azuma wanted to pry more but he knew a wall when he saw one. That laugh wasn’t the full, happy giggles he had seen her share with Yuki or even Tsumugi and Izumi, nor it was the sort of flustered ones she had exhibited around him because of the comments he tended to make. No, that laugh rang hollow and it implicitly marked the conversation as over.

He had more to say but he also didn’t want to make her uncomfortable, not after the unexpected progress they had made today, with her finally smiling in a relaxed manner around him.

He hadn’t personally met Mai many times and in most of those instances they were joined by other people, usually Yuki or Tsumugi and a few of the other members of the troupe. She had been very pleasant and polite (and easy to fluster) but each encounter left him feeling like there was something there that divided them and now he was seeing what that was. A kind of wall, invisible to all but her unless you tried getting to close. He didn’t know exactly the reason behind it, it would be foolish to even presume to understand with how little they knew each other.

However, as someone who had a lot of experience pushing people away, he knew that he also couldn’t just let this conversation end like this. So after drying his hands he returned to the table and sat down in front of her once again.

“So,” he started. “Your schedule says anything about letting yourself enjoy a face mask?”

At that, she stopped writing once again but this time she actually looked up at him, surprise clear on her face.

Bingo, he thought to himself, pleased at being able to elicit a different response.

“A face mask,” he repeated. “Being Yuki’s cousin I wouldn’t dare to believe that he would let you walk around without making you take proper care of your skin,” he said, recalling the young boy’s habits and hoping that his assumption was right.

“Um,” she blinked rapidly, still caught off guard. “I do have some but I tend to forget to use them.”

He rested his chin on the heel of his palm, tilting his head slightly and making a small strand of hair caress his cheek. “Well, you aren’t busy right now, right?”

“I’m, I’m not but-”

“It’s been an eventful day,” he gently interjected. “That’s more than enough excuse to pamper yourself a little, if you ask me.”

He could see her unsure look so he added: “My face should be proof enough of my judgment on this matter, don’t you think~?” He had said in a slightly joking way but just as he expected he saw a small blush appear on the tops of her cheeks as her eyes darted around his face.

When his smile widened, she quickly looked away. He worried about having chosen the wrong approach as the seconds passed but after mulling it over, she let out a sigh and finally looked back up at him.

“I guess it wouldn’t hurt right now.” He could still see a tiny bit of hesitation in her gaze but the small smile she was sending his way showed him that they had recovered from that bump they had tripped over before.

So, with a clap of his hands and asking her to direct her to where the supplies were, they continued with their night.

#a3!#act! addict! actors!#azuma yukishiro #a3! oc #a3! act! addict! actors!

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infiniteshawn · 5 years ago

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Beautiful Stranger

a/n: 2k of something that popped into my brain while i was brushing my teeth 2 hours ago. based on the song Finally // beautiful stranger by Halsey. angst and then fluff. **this exists in a world where Steve continued his “normal” (present?) life post-Endgame**

It wasn’t always like this. Tense. Regretful. Pain in your chest at the mere thought of him, even. You and Steve had been inseparable since everything was right in the world again and he’d decided to settle down and lay low for a while. He was close-knit with the rest of the Avengers, but still, he needed a break.

That’s where you factored into the equation.

When everything happened, Steve decided he needed change. To turn a new leaf. Start fresh—but maintain his sense of home. He left Washington and moved back to Brooklyn.

Living across the hall from him forced you into his path a few times too many, and before you knew it, the two of you had clicked. You were spending sleepless nights on his couch watching reruns of home improvement shows, or challenging each other to following unnecessarily complex recipes from your New York Times subscription. Within weeks you’d become best friends, and everything was fine. Which didn’t last long.

Steve fell for you. Hard. And he was obvious about it, too, even though he wasn’t trying to be.

You thought back to one night last November in your apartment, when Steve had accidentally shown his cards. Your home seemed to fascinate him, and you couldn’t count the times he’d asked if you’d really read all the books on the shelves that lined the walls of your studio apartment. You were curled up on your couch--because Steve liked your place better, apparently—and you’d realized that he’d began the evening on the other end of the sofa, but had somehow crept his way over and engulfed you in a warm entanglement of limbs.

You’d just told him about going home to spend Thanksgiving with your parents, and he’d unexpectedly piped up, suggesting you stay in the city instead.

“I can’t just cancel on my family, Steve,” you reasoned, freeing your arm from his grip so you could take a sip of your wine. Guilt ate at you a little as you remembered that he didn’t exactly have the luxury of going ‘home’ for the holidays, so you made a suggestion, “you could always come with me.”

He chuckled at that and you looked up to meet his gaze. His eyes found yours with little hesitation.

“Nah, I don’t wanna do that to you,” he spoke quietly, tilting his head back a bit to rest on the back of the sofa, “I’m being stupid, anyway. Of course you have to go home. I shouldn’t have mentioned it.”

“What?” you responded as your face fell, your arms subconsciously holding onto him a little more tightly, “No, Steve, I don’t know why I didn’t invite you sooner. I think you should come.”

Silence loomed between the two of you, though there wasn’t much space for it. You were nestled into him and his nose was only a couple of inches from yours. You could see the gears turning, though, as his brows knitted together with concern and he opened his mouth as if to say something.

“Steve,” you slightly grinned, but spoke somewhat sternly, “what is it?”

“It’s stupid.”

“No, it probably isn’t,” you protested, “Tell me.”

He sighed with a playful roll of his eyes, shifting in his spot to put some space between the two of you in his uncomfortable state.

“Fine,” he started, bringing a large hand up to scratch a nonexistent itch on his scalp, “I, I just, I had this idea, you know?”

You nodded.

“This idea that we could do the whole Thanksgiving thing here, or at mine, or whatever you want, really. I just thought it might be nice to do the big-dinner-thing even though there are only two of us?”

You pursed your lips, your heart breaking a little. This was what you were afraid of.

“You know, I, I don’t really have family, and most of the time you don’t exactly get along with yours, so why not spend Thanksgiving with one of the only people I really love?” he finished, trailing off and making it sound like less of a question. It was a statement. A bold, honest, raw statement that you hadn’t yet acknowledged until this moment, and you were terrified.

Because you loved him too.

You went home for Thanksgiving. You pretended that your heart didn’t break a little when you knocked on Steve’s door and were met with no answer, knowing that he was inside and he’d be spending the weekend alone. You missed him, but you knew things had gotten out of hand; This was never meant to happen.

It was always just friendship between you and Steve. Nothing more, nothing less, because once you’d gotten to know him, you’d realized how precious he truly was. After having him play such a big part in your life, it was clear that you didn’t want to go back to not knowing him. And coming to terms with your romantic feelings toward him was scary and out of the question—you’d have rather had him as your friend than your ex.

But now, he wasn’t your anything.

Days passed and he tried to get a hold of you, but you couldn’t risk it. Thinking back to what you felt when he finally said it made your heart lurch in your chest, and you knew that was dangerous territory. You couldn’t fuck this one up—so you decided you wouldn’t let yourself. Steve was off-limits.

Steve was off-limits when you passed him in the hall and he shot you that charming, but pained half-grin. Steve was off-limits when you were late to work and he was there, holding open the door to your building because your hands were full. Steve was off-limits when he was calling you at midnight—somehow, over the years, he’d found a way around that can’t-get-drunk thing—going in circles about his confusion and longing to talk about absolutely nothing and everything again, anything to just be with you. Steve was off-limits when you wanted nothing more than to pick up the goddamn phone.

It didn’t stop eating at you because eventually, he stopped calling. That hurt even more.

But you knew you couldn’t budge. The feelings had to dissipate before you could even think about going back to the way things were.

And as you sat at table two of the hotel’s banquet hall, watching the snow cascade in a white blanket over New York while your sister danced with her new groom, you wished Steve could have been there with you.

You’d invited him ages ago. He agreed with no hesitation. But after all of this, you were positive it was a write-off. There was no way he’d show face without a call or a text, especially not after the neglect you’d shoved in his direction over the past month.

Everyone was tipsy. The room was candle-lit. You wore black, mourning the loss of your place in the wedding party once your sister had annulled her feud with her childhood friend—surprise surprise. In a room filled with love and laughter, you’d never felt more alone.

A voice pulled you back into reality. A familiar voice.

“S’cuse me,” it spoke, kindly but timidly, “I believe this seat is mine.”

It couldn’t be.

You looked up from your daydreaming gaze to see Steve, dressed for the occasion, motioning to the empty spot beside you.

“Steve,” you spoke, not sure what else to say as he looked at you with a questioning expression, the pain in his eyes tugging at your heart strings.

“Steve, I’m so sor-“ you started, but he cut you off because you’d suddenly stood and there were tears in your eyes and fuck, he thought, she’s so goddamn beautiful.

“Hey, hey, you’re okay,” he spoke, barely a whisper, pulling you into the arms you knew all too well.

You closed your eyes and inhaled deeply, trying to suppress your feelings while appreciating being in his arms once again.

“I just can’t believe you’re here,” you gulped, pressing your cheek to his as he held you close, “you still came.”

“Well,” he chuckled, “I couldn’t leave my best girl.”

You giggled at his traditional way of speaking, pulling yourself from his arms to meet his crystal gaze.

“Not here, anyway,” he concluded, motioning to the room around you, “I figured today would be kind of...hard.”

For a moment, you said nothing. And then, you wanted to say everything.

Steve could feel it. Either the anticipated apology or the angry meltdown. He wasn’t sure.

Before you could open your mouth, he opened his.

“Care to dance?”

You frowned a little as you nodded, unsure of how you could have treated someone so gentle so harshly. And somehow, some way, he still wanted to dance with you.

The song changed to something slow and Steve’s hands fell to your hips, and you knew there were endless pairs of eyes on you, but you didn’t care. Neither of you did.

Your eyes, so crisp, so green

Sour apple baby, but you taste so sweet

You got hips like Jagger and two left feet

And I wonder if you’d like to meet

“Steve, I’m really sorry,” you spoke, head resting on his shoulder.

“You don’t need to explain yourself, really,” he responded, brushing your forehead with his cheek, “I overstepped. I scared you off. That was the last thing I wanted, but I felt like I couldn’t go another day without telling you how I feel.”

“Steve-“

“No, really,” he insisted on speaking, so you let him, “I saw you everywhere. You were in my living room. You were in my kitchen. You were in my sweaters and on my phone and in my brain that can’t seem to shut up sometimes,” he paused, tightening his grip around your waist, “And then I started thinking, why should it? Why should my brain shut up?”

“It shouldn’t,” you replied, “you love who you love.”

“And I love you. And I’m sorry,” Steve spoke, and something about the snow and the candles and the song and the man wrapped around you told you that it was okay.

Oh, we’re dancing’ in my living room, and up come my fists

And I say I’m only playing, but, the truth is this

I’ve never seen a mouth that I would kill to kiss

And I’m terrified, but the truth is this

Your hands found his lightly-stubbled cheeks before you could verbally respond, pulling his face down to yours to meet his lips in what truly was the kiss-to-end-all-kisses. It was warm and soft and euphoric as his grip tightened once he processed what was happening, and you didn’t have to say it back for him to know.

Beautiful stranger, here you are in my arms and I know

That beautiful strangers only come along to do me wrong

And I hope, beautiful stranger, here you are in my arms

And I think it's finally, finally, finally, finally, finally safe

For me to fall

#steve rogers #steve rogers x reader #steve rogers fluff #chris evans #chris evans x reader #steve rogers imagine #mcu #avengers #steve rogers fanfiction #steve rogers fic #steve rogers fanfic

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wowweeharrystyles · 5 years ago

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Part 7 | London & T Shirts | 6.4k words

‘Sequins & Zippers’ Summary: An internship with Harry Lambert transformed into a job of a lifetime - Aurora Del Gatto finds herself touring the world with the one & only Harry Styles as his ‘Head of Wardrobe.’ Aurora is nothing but nerves & excitement as she packs her bags & almost 100 custom designer suits that belong to an unbelievably kind rockstar. She never thought she’d fall in love on top of it all.

Read Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6

Masterlist

a/n: thanks for the week of grace, friends. I really appreciate it. FINALLY here’s part 7 !

“Listen, I know I’ve said this a lot,” Aurora starts as Harry walks into his dressing room. She’s sitting on the couch, legs propped up on the coffee table and her tour lookbook in her lap. “But tonight’s suit is my favourite.” Harry groans and then chuckles. “Harry! Listen, this one isn’t a normal suit. It’s on the same level as the Palamo pinstripe.” Aurora meets Harry’s eyes and he’s instantly reminded of that night in Spain. His eyebrows rise up in question. “Shut up.” She says with a small smirk. “But the baby pink velvet with the gold beading and the gold trouser stripe. The fact that Alessandro loved it so much he made it in black too and then I convinced Lambert that they should be used to mark monumental nights of your tour.”

“That was your idea?” Harry asks as he sits down on the couch next to her. Aurora hums a yes. “Why London and LA?”

“You really wanna know?” Harry nods. “It's the O2 for crying out loud, and then London, it’s your home. LA, the final show, your other home.” She answers as she puts her book to the side and grabs for one of Harry’s hands. She laces her fingers with his and looks up to him. “What?” she questions the look on his face.

“You really thought of all that when deciding those 2 suits?” She nods this time.

“Not just those 2, all of them. Made sure the suit matched the show.” Harry brings their intertwined hands to his lips and presses a kiss on the back of Aurora’s hand. Harry shakes his head, not knowing how to express what he’s feeling so instead he just pulls Aurora in for a kiss.

“So what colour are we painting your nails this time?” Aurora asks once they’ve settled back into the couch.

“Black, again,” he says with a smirk.

“Really?” Aurora asks in disbelief, sure he was going to pick a brighter colour.

“Mhm, it’s like I’ve got a piece of you on stage with me.”

Aurora huffs, unable to hide the smile that takes over her face.

They situate themselves on the floor of his dressing room. Aurora sits in the empty space between Harry’s outstretched legs. With a knee of her own propped up, she sets Harry’s hand on it and begins to work on his nails. They’re both quiet and neither of them mind. They’ve tuned out the chaos that is happening in the rest of the arena. Aurora knows this is why Harry asked for her to do his nails. A moment of calmness. A moment away from being the center of attention.

All last night and this morning, Harry had been getting calls and texts and emails about people’s excitement mixed with a handful of stressful ones from Jeff or any member of his management team. Aurora had to convince him that turning his phone off for a while was okay and that there was no need to worry about something someone else can take care of. She also reminded him that everyone will still be excited to see him in the morning, that those texts will still be there. It’s not that he doesn’t want to help or reply to his friends. It’s that Harry doesn’t know when to stop sometimes. Last night they were sitting at a local pub, a place where Harry’s a regular and even though his phone was on silent and he was trying his hardest to pay attention to the story Aurora was telling, he couldn’t focus. Aurora realised quickly that Harry doesn’t transition well between being “tour harry” and “just harry.” Bringing his work home with him doesn’t help either. Aurora made that comment in reference to herself and he really didn't’ appreciate it till later. When he went to say goodnight as he opened the car door for Aurora he did laugh about it with a loud chuckle, the joke finally clicking in his head.

The pulse at his wrist changes, bringing Aurora out of her own thoughts.“What’re you thinking about?” She asks as she grazes his pulse point with the pad of her finger. They’re so close that she can hear the rhythm of his breath speed up too.

“Oh nothing,” he answers, brushing away the question.

Aurora holds the polish bottle and brush in one hand and sets the hand she’s working on on her knee. With her free hand she reaches for Harry’s chin and tilts it just right so he has no choice but to look at her. He sighs. “You can tell me anything, you know that right?” Harry nods slowly. Aurora presses a soft, lingering kiss to his lips before going back to painting his nails.

As she switches hands, Harry sighs again. She looks up to him through her lashes then back down to his nails and polish.

“Nervous as hell.” It’s not a full sentence and that’s how Aurora knows how truly nervous he is. He goes to brush the bottom of his nose, another nervous habit, but stops himself unsure if he’ll mess up the polish that is drying.

“That’s understandable,” Aurora offers. His lashes fluttered, almost like he was surprised by her response. “It’s a big show, well 2 big shows. I think I’d be concerned if you weren’t a little nervous.”

“You know, anyone else would’ve asked why I’m nervous. They would’ve told me I have no reason to be.” Aurora hums.

“You may have sold out the O2 arena for 2 nights but that doesn’t make you superhuman. The way I see it, you being nervous about these performances shows how human you are. How humble you are. How much you care and how much you love your job. There’s nothing wrong with being nervous.” The words are true and Harry should know all of that.

Harry leans his head down and presses a kiss to her cheek.

“Thanks for understanding and thanks for saying that.”

“That’s what I’m here for,” Aurora smiles at him.

“Girl who keeps her word.” Aurora raises an eyebrow at him in question. “You said that on the first night of tour. That’s what I’m here for,” he repeats back to her. “After you talked me through my nerves then.”

“Don’t like seeing you like this I guess” she whispers as she continues to paint again.

“What?”

“You’re always so calm,” she sighs now, “so when you’re stressed or nervous I can just pick up on it really fast. Feeling nerves or stress is never fun. I just hope I can help calm you back down, at least a little bit.”

“Oh, I’m sorry,” he apologizes softly, like his feelings are a burden.

“Hey, don’t be sorry,” she assures him, pausing from painting the next nail. “I just don’t think many people pick up on it, which is probably what you want. You’re good at hiding it,” Harry nods as Aurora continues. “I don’t know what it is, but I can just tell when something is off,” she goes back to painting again. “I think it might be because I used to, well still do I guess, I used to hide my nerves or anxiety so nobody would make a fuss over it. Just kind of brush it under the rug and move forward. It’s a familiar feeling.” Harry doesn’t say anything when Aurora finishes. “I don’t mean to overstep… can’t help but notice, is all.”

“You’re not overstepping,” Harry quietly responds. “I’m not used to having someone that can read me this well. It’s nice.” His lips press together into a small smirk. They meet eyes for a brief moment then Aurora goes back to finishing the job at hand. “What’s so familiar about it all?”

The question stumps Aurora for a moment. She searches her brain for a moment trying to think back to the small gestures and change of behavior that she picked up on.

“Well, you know, you always do this thing where you brush your nose. You do it a lot actually,” she giggles, “it’s not always when you’re nervous. Sometimes you’ll do it when you’re uncomfortable or unsure of something. I’ve seen you do it thousands of times during interviews.”

“Ah, yeah, that I've done since I was little. Never been able to break that habit,” he laughs.

“Makes sense, but I think it’s the fact that you just go quiet all of a sudden. I do that too. I shut down, which you don’t necessarily do. You’re always there, just a bit quieter than normal.”

“I get in my head a lot, don’t want to bother anyone,” he confirms solemnly.

“You’re not a bother to me,” Aurora reassures him. “Okay! All done! They’re still tacky, but I’m done painting.”

“Thank you, Ror.”

“No problem,” she says with a smile, setting down the polish.

“Not just for painting my nails-”

“No need to thank me for anything else, Harry.”

Aurora packs up her nail supplies, zipping the bag and setting it out of the way. Harry’s admiring the fresh polish on his nails as he moves back to the couch, sinking into the cushions.

“Alright?” Aurora asks, sitting down next to him. Harry just shrugs his shoulders. “When’s your next time commitment?”

“I’ve got sound check in an hour, I think,” he says, his voice trailing off a bit.

“Okay, come here then,” Aurora says as she moves her body towards the other side of the couch. She leans herself against a pillow and gets comfortable, patting her lap once she’s settled. “Come on, no need to do anything else right now, yeah?” Harry nods hesitantly.

Once his head is resting on her lap she lets her hand fall to his hair. It only takes a few runs of her fingers through his hair for his eyes to close. Aurora can tell he’s not actually asleep by his breathing that is still not steady and the light flutter of his eyelids when she grazes her nails lightly against his scalp soothingly.

“Told my mum when I got home last night.”

Aurora hums in question.

“Told her that we made it official, that you’re my girlfriend.” Aurora’s hand freezes for a moment, a smile sneaking up on her face. Harry opens one eye to look up at her. “Hey, don’t stop,” he whines. Aurora rolls her eyes and takes her hand out of his hair completely. “Please, Rory,” he continues to whine. She sighs and goes back to the movements in his hair. “Thank you,” he says with a smile, eyes closed now. “Told Gemma and Michael too, texted Jack. Told him everything. He thought it was hilarious.” Aurora huffs at the comment. “When I told Mitch this morning that you were my girlfriend officially all he said was ‘duh’. And then Sarah made a comment about how she’s excited that she doesn't have to 3rd wheel Mitch and I now.”

Aurora’s laugh fills the room. It’s light and carefree. Harry joins in, enjoying the moment. His nerves subside for the next hour. It’s hard to think about anything going on outside of the quiet dressing room when Aurora has her hands in Harry’s hair, both of their laughter filling the space every so often and the innocent kisses they trade back and forth. If it weren’t for Harry’s reminder on his phone, they would’ve easily lost track of time and stayed in that dressing room forever.

“How’re you doing now?” Aurora asks as they stall at the closed door. Harry shrugs his shoulders just like earlier. “What can I do for you?” She asks, her hands softly resting on his jaw, fingers sprawled towards the back of his neck. He shakes his head. Aurora tilts her head at him. “Babe,” she pleads.

“Rory, I’ll be alright. I promise. The nerves aren’t gonna go away-”

“I know that.”

“-but I’m feeling much better. Thank you,” he says as he squeezes her waist. Aurora shakes her head before pulling him down so she can kiss his lips properly.

| | | | |

Aurora catches a glimpse of Harry as she’s walking from craft services to Clare and Sarah’s dressing rooms. He’s meeting some fans from Rays Of Sunshine and she does a double take when Harry poses for a photo with a little girl. She slows her walk down to enjoy this brief moment, a bright smile reaches her eyes. Just before she makes it out of eyesight she sees the little girl point at his painted fingernails and she can hear Harry’s sweet laugh as she takes the last step out of eyesight. Her cheeks pink up slightly to no one but herself, until she hears her name coming from a newly familiar voice.

“Hi Gemma!” Aurora greets her with a one handed hug, holding her tour lookbook in the other hand, while (surprise surprise) balancing a fresh cup of coffee too.

“How was your day yesterday?” Gemma asks as they walk down the hallway. “Oh it was… good. Spent most of the day watching Criminal Minds and ordering room service. Definitely needed the day off to regroup and relax.”

“I love Criminal Minds! Is this your first time watching it?” Gemma’s eye’s light up at the connection. She walks with Aurora as she continues through the hallway again.

Aurora laughs, “1st time? More like the 10th time, probably.”

Gemma joins in with Aurora’s laughter, “Oh finally!!! Now I have someone to obsessively talk to about it. Michael doesn’t love it, but he’ll watch the new episodes with me every week. He’s definitely annoyed with my love for Spencer Reid.”

“Wait, Gems! Ah Gemma, sorry,” she corrects herself. “Harry soley refers to you as Gems.”

She laughs again, “It’s okay, I don’t mind.” Aurora offers a look of thanks.

“Anyways, Spencer Reid is the love of my life,” she continues with a smile.

“Same here!” The two girls laugh with each other.

“How was being home?”Aurora asks when their laughter stops.

“It was nice. I go home to visit mum a lot but it’s always so great when Harry’s home too. Really feels like home when he’s there.”

“That sounds really nice.”

“How’re you holding up?” Gemma asks picking up on the longing in Aurora’s voice.

“Oh, I’m doing fine. A bit homesick, but that’s expected yeah?” Gemma nods along. “I haven’t really lived at home in years but touring is different. I think it’s not having a permanent home that makes it hard.”

“Yeah, I remember the first few times I traveled along on small bits of tour, it was weird. Sometimes it feels like a vacation but then others it feels like everyday is like starting a new life… if that makes any sense?”

“Yeah, it does, actually,” Aurora agrees as she turns into Sarah and Clare’s dressing room. “It’s like there’s not enough consistency day to day because it isn’t always show day and then a day off. Everyday you’ve gotta be on top of it. And it’s so hard to not just be lazy when you have down time to get rest because you wanna go see everything.”

“Yes exactly!! I hadn’t traveled much until Harry started touring. It was so much fun to go to new places. Have you traveled a lot?”

“Not really, grew up in New York so visiting the city wasn’t a huge deal and traveled to other big cities in the US for dance competitions growing up. When I studied abroad as CSM, that was the first time I had left the country. Had to get a passport for it specifically!”

Gemma hangs out with Aurora while she gets the clothes ready. They talk about college, or university as Gemma calls it. They share their favourite movies - Aurora has a sweet spot of 80’s romcoms but loves a good thriller and Gemma despises indie films that are slow paced, but really loves any comedy that will make her cry from laughter. Gemma shared a few touring pointers and promised that next time they’re in the same city they’ll get coffee without Harry and have a girls spa day or something.

Aurora is beside herself when Gemma makes another comment about how happy Harry seems. But this time she adds that it definitely has something to do with her being around.

| | | | |

“How’re you doing, rockstar?” Aurora asks as Harry walks towards her, ready to change into his suit.

“I’m good, excited!” he answers as he strips out of his track pants and hoodie, then the white t shirt as well.

“Good,” Aurora comments with a smile.

“Like what you see?” Harry says obnoxiously.

“Harry, shut up and just put these trousers on,” Aurora retorts as she hands him the slim black trousers trimmed with gold.

As Harry buttons his white shirt Aurora grabs his boots from the box and hands them to him when he’s ready.

“You know, those old gold boots you used to wear would’ve been incredible with this suit.”

“You would remember those boots.”

“Heart of gold and boots to match,” Aurora recalls back to him. Harry’s eyes pop and his eyebrows rise up. “Iconic tweet by your mother, honestly. And too true.”

Aurora follows him into the connected bathroom, baby pink velvet jacket in hand. She hops up on the counter as Harry goes through the rest of his routine. She stays silent, listening to him hum to himself and riff off a few vocal warm ups. Aurora runs her fingers along the gold beads and sequins on the jacket, remembering their first fitting.

“I think we’re thinking about the same thing,” Harry says as he puts toothpaste on his toothbrush.

“That first fitting during prep week.” Aurora states because she knows he’s right. Harry nods.

“Crazy how fast things can change, isn’t it?” Aurora hums in acknowledgement, continuing to run her fingertips across the beading.

“Harry!” Anne’s voice calls through the dressing room. Harry’s in the middle of brushing his teeth so Aurora responds.

“He’s in here, Anne!” She calls, inviting her in.

“Oh Aurora! Happy to see you again” she says, pressing a light kiss to her cheek and giving her a bright smile. Anne’s less guarded towards Aurora today and Aurora relaxes again, slouching on the counter top. “Some things never change,” Anne comments as Harry finishes brushing his teeth. “He’s always done this. Before every show he’s ever done. Even shows back in primary school,” she tells Aurora.

“Mum, please, let's not share any embarrassing childhood stories just yet. Only made it official last night,” Harry winks at Aurora. She rolls her eyes.

“Honestly, Harry, you don’t hide much and I’ve seen you on stage every night this tour. Think that’s embarrassing enough.”

“Hey!” he whines and Anne laughs along with Aurora. “You and Gemma both can’t be friends with Rory if you’re going to pick on me all the time.”

“Harry, someones gotta pick on you, I told you that. Too many screaming fans night after night, gotta keep you humble.” Aurora counters and receives a high five from Anne.

Once Harry’s done they head back into the dressing room. Aurora helps Harry slide into his jacket. They both hear the shutter sound of an iPhone camera and Harry whines at his mom for taking photos but she just brushes it off as all moms do. Gemma and Michael join the 3 of them as they walk from Harry’s dressing room towards the main bit of backstage.

“Aurora, honey, are you joining us again?” Anne asks.

Aurora looks to Harry and the split second of his eyes meeting hers she can tell he doesn’t want her to go just yet. “I’m gonna meet up with y’all in a little bit. This jacket has been giving us all kinds of trouble and I just need to make sure all the beads are really secure before Harry goes on stage.”

“Of course dear, we’ll see you in a little bit then.” Anne gives Harry a kiss on his cheek, a hug and smile. Gemma and Michael both wish him luck. Once his family is out of earshot Harry speaks up.

“Thanks for staying back.”

“Technically, it is my job to be right here.”

They exchange a soft smile before Harry’s band joins them. Aurora steps back after she adjusts Mitch’s jacket and Sarah’s shirt. She hangs out off the side, sitting on a big crate, her small sewing kit sitting next to her. The jacket is fine. The beads aren’t gonna fall off, at least not until the very end of the show. She’s here for Harry right now. She watches as they do their pre stage rituals as a band. Helene takes a photo of them as a group and then his band is off, making their way through the double doors to the stage.

Harry makes eye contact with Aurora and she joins him.

“You good?” she asks for what seems like the millionth time today.

He hums, reaching for her hand and squeezing it.

“Harry!” Jeff calls as he walks up to him. Harry takes the hand that’s holding Aurora’s and pulls it behind his back. He wants Aurora close, he’s making that clear to her without any words. He’s face to face with Jeff, Aurora is standing behind him, their hands still intertwined, resting at his lower back. Aurora squeezes his hand to let him know she’s not going anywhere. “Ready?” Jeff asks when the stage manager and the rest of the sound crew approach Harry.

“Ready as I’ll ever be,” Harry answers, no nerves evident in his voice. Another squeeze to his hand.

They walk through the double doors, a security guard lights the way in front of the small group with a flashlight. The sound crew goes ahead and gets to their places after confirming that Harry’s mic pack is on and ready to go one last time. Jeff says his good lucks and is out of sight in seconds.

“Good luck, rockst-” but she can’t finish the word ‘rockstar’ because Harry cuts her off.

“I know you said no the other night cause you didn’t want to overstep with my mum,” the words come out quick and Aurora has to really focus to understand him and tune out the rest of the hustle that is happening around them, backstage in the dark, “but will you come home with me tonight? Back to my house? Not my mums, but my house? Back to my house. Here. In London.” Harry blurts out the question repeatedly. “I should’ve asked earlier but-”

“Yes,” she answers without thought.

Aurora’s answer doesn’t sink in right away but when it does Harry’s brain can’t decide what to do. “Really?” comes out of his mouth with a short laugh of disbelief, his arms fly open and pull Aurora into a bear hug. He’s smiling ear to ear, dimples indent his cheeks, his nose scrunches and his eyes crinkle at the corners. Aurora thinks she’s being held by sunshine when he relaxes into the hug, pressing a quick kiss to the side of her head. She’s warm and feels safe and wants to ingrain the image of Harry in her head forever. Real life, actual sunshine is staring back at her. “Really?” he asks again when he meets her eyes.

“Yes, really. I’d love to,” Aurora says loud enough to be heard over the screams but quiet enough that just Harry can hear it. Harry grabs her face in both of his hands and kisses her hard.

Aurora laughs when they pull apart just as fast as they were brought together.

“Lipstick!” she exclaims through a laugh. She thumbs at his lips wiping away any lingering colour that stuck to him. “You really shouldn’t be going on stage with a lipstick mark…” Harry rolls his eyes. “Good luck, Harry,” she says trying to push him in the direction of the stairs.

“You are something else,” he says in disbelief. “I’ll see you after the show, Rory!” he yells as he runs up the stairs. He wipes the back of his hand across his mouth one last time before making his way to his spot at center stage, behind the screen.

| | | | |

It’s an early night compared to others and Aurora never thought she’d find herself here. She’s stepping into Harry’s car, Harry holding the door open for her before rounding the front of the car to step into the driver side. The car hums to a start, the stereo playing on a low volume. Harry smiles at Aurora briefly before he focuses on the road and pulls away from the arena.

“Mind if I?” Aurora asks, gesturing to the stereo controls

Harry pulls his phone from his pocket, unlocking it and handing it to Aurora, “It should be playing from apple music, but Spotify is there too.”

Aurora is surprised when he hands her the unlocked phone but she doesn’t question it. She opens spotify and searches for her own profile. Scrolling through her playlists she finds her driving playlist.

“Not going through my photos are you?” He jokes.

“Of course I am,” she jokes back. “Trying to find the perfect- hah! Here it is!”

An acoustic guitar opens the song and Harry knows the song instantly. River by Leon Bridges fills the speakers. He reaches out his left hand in search of Aurora’s that sitting in her lap now. Aurora lets out a sigh of adoration as Harry brings her hand up to his lips and kisses her knuckles. Tucking her lips between her teeth, she hides a smile. Harry lets their hands fall to Aurora’s lap. She plays with the rings that still adorn his hand and stares out the window, enjoying the London city lights.

When the song ends she speaks up, “I’m really excited to see that song live when Leon Bridges opens for you. It’s always been one of my favourites.” Harry doesn’t say anything but instead gives her hand a squeeze before the next song on the playlist plays.

The car ride feels like another world. Driving around London, nothing but empty roads and city lights in front of them, Aurora feels on top of the world. Even in the darkness of the night, the darkness of the car, Harry feels like sunshine. Pools of light fall from his eyes, his smile. They seep through his skin and warm aurora from the inside out.

As Hear You Me by Jimmy Eat World continues to play in the car, Aurora allows herself to glance over at Harry who is focused on the road in front of him.

| | | | |

“Welcome to my home,” Harry says sweetly as he opens the door for Aurora to step through. After closing the door behind himself he taps a few buttons that are near the door, the flashing red light turning green. He switches the hallway light on as he knocks his shoes off by the door, pushing them off to the side. Harry helps Aurora out of her coat and hangs it up with his. He walks past her, switching on a few other lights and the house begins to illuminate. Harry doesn’t say much, just points out different rooms, not making a spectacle of the surely multi million dollar mansion he calls home.

“It’s beautiful, Harry,” Aurora compliments as they make their way through another hallway. Aurora feels cozy. It feels like Harry, this entire place, regardless that he isn’t currently inhabiting it for the time being, feels like home. Aurora’s heart swells at the photos on the walls of his mum and dad, step dad, pictures of him and gemma from christmas morning when they were little, one of them at Gemma’s graduation and then a few photos of him and the rest of the boys, Louis, Liam, Niall and Zayn are scattered throughout the wall too. There are photos never seen by the rest of the world and Aurora smiles at each one.

“Here, you can wear this,” Harry says as he turns back to Aurora after rummaging through one of his drawers. Aurora is still mesmerized by his closet, the closet that is probably the same size as her first apartment in NYC. “Oh, you would find that,” he says matter of factly when he sees her running her hand over the black and white floral suit that hangs among some of the other suits.

“Harry, this suit,” she states in awe. “God, I loved this suit.”

“Hey, can you be my girlfriend for one second and not my Head of Wardrobe?” Aurora turns around to him.

“That was 2015 Aurora who had your band’s posters up in her childhood room not your head of wardrobe,” she corrects him. Harry’s eyes widen before he lets out a bark of a laugh, like he’s caught off guard. “What?” she asks through a small laugh. He steps forward towards her and presses a kiss to her forehead.

“Nothing,” he says when they meet eyes, shaking his head. “Here,” he says handing her the forgotten t shirt in his hand.

“What’s-” she stops herself from finishing her questioning. She hadn’t thought this far ahead. There’s no way she’ll sleep in her jeans and her suitcase is back at the hotel. The empty hotel room. “Thanks,” is all she says as she stares at Harry’s t shirt that is now soft in her own hands.

“Everything alright?”

“Yeah,” she laughs to herself, “guess I didn’t think about this, should’ve grabbed something from my suitcase.”

“It’s alright, I don’t mind,” he says with a shrug. “Let me go grab a spare toothbrush for ya.”

“Oh! I have mine in my purse actually,” Aurora says, “keep all that stuff in my purse when I travel.” Aurora turns towards the door. “I think I set it downstairs.” She hesitates at the door, unsure of where to go find it, they took a few turns to get to his closet, surely she’ll get lost. Harry chuckles at her frozen in her own steps.

“Let me go grab it for you.”

As Harry dashes out of the room, his feet sounding down the stairs, Aurora allows herself to have a moment. Today had been so crazy she hadn’t had time to overthink what tonight would bring. When Harry asked her to stay with him at his place she was caught up in it all. She was so proud, so enraptured, so warm and fuzzy. There was no way she could say no to him, to those green eyes that were begging her to say yes. There was no reason for her to say no. She’s not ready to sleep with him.

Before she can figure out what to do or sort out her new thoughts, he’s back, purse in hand and directing towards his bedroom then motioning to the ensuite bathroom. Her chest feels heavy and so does the cotton shirt in her hand. Nerves make her heart thrum against her ribcage. Harry hums to himself as he gets out his face wash from the cabinet next to the sink. His humming starts to drown out Aurora’s own heartbeat in her ears. He hands a clean washcloth to Aurora.

‘Thanks,” she says with a soft smile. She fumbles around in her makeup bag looking for the familiar container of her cleanser. She pauses for a moment when she’s found it and takes a deep breath, dropping it back in the bag. “Harry,” she says barely audible, facing him, hip pressing against the counter. He hums a response. Her voice shakes slightly, “I-I-”

He takes his focus from the bottle in his hand and brings it to her, his eyebrows dipping together in the middle, concerned, “Everything alright, Ror?”

“I,” she takes a deep breath, “I’m really happy I’m here right now, but I just need you to know that I’m not ready, not ready to-” Harry nods, knowing where this is going. “-to have sex with you, yet.”

“I hope you know I had no expectations for that tonight… just ‘cause you’ve come home with me doesn’t mean you’re obligated to do anything.”

“Oh I know that,” Aurora clarifies, “but I wanted to be honest with you. Truthfully, it didn’t cross my mind until you handed me one of your shirts.” She giggles, looking at her hands. “Just need to tell you, that I’m not ready, yet,” she adds, emphasizing the word yet. She doesn’t want it off the table completely.

Harry sets the bottle that is still in his hands on the counter before taking the 2 small steps needed to close the space between them. He pulls Aurora into a hug, wrapping his arms tightly around her shoulders. She can feel him ghost his lips on the crown of her head. Relaxing into his chest she snakers her hands around to his back and up, resting her hands on his shoulder blades. Aurora pulls away after a moment and presses a kiss to the skin peaking out near the collar of Harry’s sweatshirt.

“I’m so tired, don’t think I could get it up, regardless,” Harry says with a straight face when they pull apart. Aurora’s jaw drops and she whacks the back of her hand against Harry’s nearest shoulder. “What?” Harry asks through a loud laugh.

“You’re just so, so, ugggg,” Aurora rolls her eyes and goes back to her makeup bag.

They both wash their faces while making eye contact here and there in the mirror. Harry knocks his hip against Aurora’s when he starts brushing his teeth. She giggles as she adds toothpaste to her brush. As she starts to brush she knocks her hip against his now. They giggle, their mouths full of toothpaste. Harry at home. This is something she could get used to.

“Need anything, darling?” Harry asks as he makes his way to his bedroom. “I’m gonna go set the alarms downstairs.” She nods her head no. She gives him a small smile as he walks out, closing the bathroom door behind him, giving her her privacy. He’s sweet and careful and purposefully is giving her a moment alone. She brushes her hair into a loose braid then taps a light layer of chapstick on her lips. She unfurls the cotton shirt Harry gave her to wear. It’s a faded black tee with a Rolling Stones graphic printed on the front. She’s seen him wear a handful of t shirts just like this all equally worn and tattered.

The shirt is soft against her bare skin and the hem tickles the top of her thighs where it falls. It smells like harry and she’s comforted by it. A small smile finds a permanent home on her face as she folds her clothes into a pile. Holding them to her chest she opens the door to find Harry setting down a glass of water on each of the bedside tables. Aurora sets her discarded clothes on a chair that’s tucked away in the corner of the room and then takes a moment before she turns around. She can feel Harry’s eyes on her and when she turns around they travel up her body. Harry walks over and rests his hand at Aurora’s waist, giving her a chaise kiss on the lips before going back into the bathroom himself, a pair of grey joggers in his hands.

Aurora busies herself with finding an empty outlet to plug her phone in for the night. Deciding to sit on the bed, she notices it’s most likely Harry’s prefered side as it has a small clock there, a stack of books and a small silver bowl where his rings are now. Her eyes are drawn to the top book from the pile, recognizing the author as the writer from Rolling Stones magazine. She opens the Rob Sheffield book and begins to skim through the first page. When she hears the door open up again, the light from the bathroom goes out, and she’s met with Harry walking towards her.

His sweatpants are hung low on his hips, the band of his boxers peeking out at the top, Aurora can’t help but stare. It’s not like she doesn’t see a version of this almost everyday but it’s different. Aurora blindly sets the book back on the nightstand so she doesn’t have to look away. She feels frozen to her spot on the bed as Harry walks towards her.

“You’re a dream, you know?” Harry says softly as he reaches down to hold her face in his right hand. Aurora closes her eyes softly as harry’s thumb rubs soothingly against her cheekbone. When she opens her eyes, she pretty much eye level with the butterfly tattoo that sits at the top of his stomach. She told herself that one day if she were ever here, she’d trace his tattoos for as long as he’d let her. So she does just that. Her hands wrap lightly around his ribcage as her thumbs brush against the wings of the tattoo. She can see her hands trembling a bit when she goes to trace the laurels that peak out from his boxers. The strong sound of her heartbeat resurfaces to her ears and she pulls away her trembling hands. Harry pays no attention to that though. Instead, he takes her head in both of his hands and leans down to catch her lips.

The nerves that once flooded her chest are far gone as their legs tangle underneath the sheets. Aurora can’t think of anything but the way his bare skin feels against hers. Her, well his, t shirt is slightly hiked up past her hips after Harry’s hands slide underneath to roam her skin, fingers pressing into the fleshy parts of her hips. Aurora pushes him on to his back, lips never losing contact and their hips melting into each other. Harry’s hands rarely stop moving, exploring the newly found bareskin on her back, under her shirt.

They slow down eventually, both of them too tired to continue their movements. Aurora’s head rests on Harry’s chest. Sleep comes quickly after they share a lazy kiss one last time for the night.

Aurora startles herself awake a few hours later. She’s still not used to waking up in new places and this happens often every night. Harry must feel her move, there’s no way he couldn’t with the way their bodies are tangled together. He doesn’t wake, or at least doesn’t wake enough to say anything or rustle the sheets at all. He does squeeze around her waist a bit tighter, bringing Aurora back closer to his chest. She lets out a soft sigh before falling back asleep, breathing in time with Harry’s slow heartbeat that taps against her back.

Thanks for reading !!!! comments & feedback ALWAYS welcome & reblogs help a TON. LOVE YOU MEAN IT.

#harry styles imagine #harry styles one shot #harry styles blurb #harry styles x reader #sequins & zippers #aurora on tour #harry styles fanfiction #one direction imagine

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kpop-zone · 5 years ago

Text

Blackpink reaction to their s/o getting into a fight because of them

A/N: Omg I’m so sorry they turned out so long!

Jisoo

“Relax, no one knows we’re here.”

You smiled confidently at Jisoo and you could see her taking a deep breath, trying to take your advice.

It was Sunday and Jisoo had nothing on her schedule for a change, so you decided to go out together. You’ve had a nice lunch in a small restaurant and now you were roaming the streets for a bit. Both of you were wearing masks and when you checked the news before you left, you had found that the fans didn’t know where Jisoo was right now. Some were speculating that she was in Thailand with Lisa, others said that she was visiting her family. You were almost 100% sure that no one could find you today.

But unfortunately, you were wrong.

Later you found out that someone from the restaurant had posted a picture of Jisoo to promote their place, but unfortunately, a lot of paparazzi came to the area, therefore, intending to snap more pictures. You were just rounding a corner, when suddenly about seven photographers stormed in Jisoo’s and your direction. Immediately you grabbed your girlfriend’s hand tighter, who pulled her hat further into her face.

“Jisoo! Jisoo!”

They were all yelling and attracting even more paparazzi with their noise. You tried to push through them, but without security they were even more obtrusive as usual. You tried to protect Jisoo as best as possible but seeing the panic inside her eyes just made you snap. Angrily you pried the camera out of one photographers’ hand, smashing it on the floor.

“Step away!”

You yelled into his face, but he was harshly shoving you back.

“That was my camera!”

You grabbed his shirt and were ready to tackle him to the floor when you could suddenly hear Jisoo calling your name. When you turned around, you could only see her hat disappearing between the crowd of paparazzi, who all tried to get the best shot of your fight. You immediately let go of the guy, lunging forward to grab your girlfriend. She was visibly distraught, so you just pushed through the crowd until you finally made it to the car.

You ordered the driver to instantly bring you home and as he started to drive off, an uncomfortable silence surrounded Jisoo and you.

You stole glances at her from the side, but she just blankly stared out the window until you were almost at the dorm.

“You know, I don’t like violence.”

She said without looking at you and you could feel guilt washing over you. You were about to apologize, but she was faster.

“My company will only pay this guy a whole lot of money now, so he won’t press charges. You might have meant well, but your actions only caused trouble.”

The car came to a halt and Jisoo left without saying another word. You followed her like a kid that had just been scolded, knowing that your girlfriend would still be mad at you for a while.

Jennie

“Are you ready?”

You squeezed Jennie’s hand softly and she gave you a soft smile while nodding her head. You hated airports. They were way too crowded and hectic even for normal people, but for idols they were pure horror. Pulling your hat further into your face, you opened the door, stepping out into the camera flashes.

Jennie immediately clung to your arm and you guided her through the crowd of paparazzi and fans. You could hardly move forward, because the security couldn’t keep the crowd at bay. You were clearly annoyed, when you could suddenly hear the loud voice of someone next to you, shouting mean comments aimed at Jennie. You could feel her squeezing your hand, knowing that the anger was building up inside of you.

“You don’t even deserve to be in Blackpink. You’re just lazy!”

Hearing his comment, you ripped your hand away from Jennie, shoving the man harshly.

“What did you say?”

Your voice was laced with hatred and you were ready to fight this man.

But Jennie suddenly grabbed your hand and when you turned around, she looked at you with pleading eyes. She looked scared and your anger vanished. Only focusing on her, you let yourself be pulled through the crowd by her until you were finally in a secluded area.

Jennie walked up and down, massaging her temples in the process. You didn’t dare to look her into the eyes, because she seemed clearly distressed because of your outburst.

“I know those comments are hard to ignore. They hurt me, too, sometimes. But we can never lose our composure.”

She stopped pacing, looking at you.

“I know. I’m sorry.”

You mumbled sheepishly, aware of the fact that your outburst would cast Jennie’s name in negative light.

Jennie sighted, coming over to you to sit beside you.

“I’m not angry at you. I know, you didn’t mean any harm.”

She snaked an arm around your shoulders, playing with your hair while she kept her gaze fixed on you until you finally looked into her eyes. A soft smile was playing on her lips before she leaned in to kiss you.

“Thank you for wanting to defend me.”

Chaeyoung

Knowing that Chaeyoung would have to spend a lot of time abroad after Blackpink’s comeback, you spent as much time as possible together, now that she was still in Korea. Today you accompanied her to a photoshoot, and you waited behind the cameras, cheering for her between the takes. You were actually having a good time until you felt bothered by one particular staff member.

He was telling Chaeyoung really rudely what to do and you didn’t appreciate his tone. But you knew it wasn’t your place to say something. Chaeyoung was at work and you were glad that you were allowed to be there in the first place. But you kept a sharp eye on him. The shoot went on and on and you could slowly see the exhaustion creeping up in your girlfriend. There was just one more outfit that had to be photographed then you could finally go home.

Chaeyoung was just chatting with some of her makeup artists when the rude staff member suddenly appeared, roughly pulling her by her arm to her spot. Chaeyoung winced in pain and you immediately leaped to your feet, storming over to the two of them. You snatched away the man’s hand and shoved him hardly.

“Touch her again and I’ll end you.”

You growled angrily, but he planted himself in front of you with a daring look inside his eyes.

“Y/N-ah.”

You could hear Chaeyoung’s pleading voice beside you, but your anger banned all rational thinking.

“Do you have a problem?”

You asked the staff member tauntingly and he laughed, ready to start a fight.Suddenly, however, someone grabbed you from behind and your opponent was also separated from you by another staff member. When you turned around, you could see Chaeyoung nervously standing at the side. You were brought to her and you followed your girlfriend to her dressing room.

You were both silent for a moment, but you decided to explain yourself.

“He shouldn’t have touched you like that.”

You justified your actions, but Chaeyoung shook her head.

“I didn’t like to see you this way. You were... out of control.”

Chaeyoung hugged herself and only now you could see that she was truly uncomfortable. You immediately took a few steps closer to her, careful not to overstep any boundaries. You were relieved when she let you put your hands on her arms.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you like that.”

You apologized sincerely.

“I know.”

Chaeyoung nodded and let herself be pulled into your arms.

“Please don’t ever get mad like that again.”

She mumbled against your body and you instantly agreed, not wanting to upset your girlfriend

Lalisa

“I’m so excited!”

Lisa was bouncing up and down next to you like a bouncy ball. You had to laugh at her sight, because she looked so cute.

“Don’t laugh at me. It’s my first time being at Coachella.”

Lisa pouted and you pulled her closer to give her a kiss on her cheek. Her managers had allowed her to go to one of the stages, because she was already done with all her obligations and you were looking forward to spending an almost normal night as a couple. If you ignored the fact that you were basically only surrounded by rich and famous people, of course.

You pushed pretty far to the front, wanting to have the best experience. When the music started, Lisa’s eyes started to sparkle, and she immediately started to jump and dance.

“Come on, Y/N!”

She yelled over the loud music and you joined her. You were having the time of your lives when suddenly a few drunk guys started to come closer and closer.

Uncomfortably Lisa slid to your side, but the guys only laughed, following her close behind. Insecurely Lisa looked at you and you tried your best to ignore the guys, not wanting to cause any trouble, although they were eying your girlfriend like she was just some piece of meat.

“Why did you stop dancing, princess? Come on give us a private show.”

One of them slurred and his friends started to laugh dirtily.

“Come one, dude. We’re just trying to have a good time here. Just go.”

You asked him politely, but he stepped closer to you, moving his face directly in front of yours.

“Me too. And I’m going to have a fantastic night with your girlfriend.”

He smirked and you completely lost it at his comment.

Against all rationality, you punched his face, and you heard Lisa squeal next to you.

After he had overcome his shock, the guy gestured his friends to come and get you, but Lisa quickly stepped in front of you, pushing you back, while at the same time gesturing for the security to come over.

When the security neared, the drunks immediately disappeared into thin air, not wanting to be banned from the festival. But the mood was destroyed, nevertheless. Therefore, Lisa and you slowly made your way to the place where your driver would pick you up.

“That was reckless, Y/N.”

You could hear the disappointment in Lisa’s voice, she had really looked forward to this evening.

“I’m sorry for ruining the night.”

You said guiltily, but Lisa interlaced her fingers with yours, making you look at her.

“It wasn’t your fault. We would have had to leave anyways because of those disgusting guys. But you shouldn’t have hit him. You could have seriously been hurt. I was really scared.”

She squeezed your hand while smiling at you, showing you that she wasn’t mad, but relieved that nothing had happened to you.

#blackpink reactions #blackpink #jisoo #jennie #chaeyoung #rose #lalisa #girl group reactions #girl group #kpop reactions #kpop

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icewindandboringhorror · 4 years ago

Photo

Okay, here’s a final answer, just for clarification -

Firstly, please understand that I’m not angry, and I’m not upset. I just tend to speak very matter of factly, I guess? If I seem cold or something when typing this response, it's not a personal attack towards you or some display of aggression, that's just how I word things sometimes, I don't mean for them to be misinterpreted or want you to think I’m like getting mad with you or etc. Me disagreeing does not inherently equal me being mad about something, it merely means that I disagree, which is an emotion neutral action. If someone said 2+2 = 6, I would disagree, and openly so, but that doesn’t mean I’d also be like, crying about it or upset with them or something lol.

I actually even stated so at the end of my tags last time -

So, I apologize if you interpreted my tone as being mean, but I was simply trying to be firm and direct in how I said things so you understand that it's a very serious matter, and I didn't want to be light about it.

There was a bit of jokiness/sarcasm/exaggeration as well I suppose, but again, that’s not an inherent indicator of upset, just the way I speak - especially when your question can be seen as rude to begin with (which usually leads people to care less about faking positive emotions or seeming polite to others. If a person is not polite to you, you’re not likely to watch how you communicate as much or attempt to display high politeness back). My default state is a neutral flatness as I have a very shallow emotional range (shout out to schizophrenia spectrum negative symptoms and other various issues lol), any excessive positivity or “perkiness” or something that I display is just an attempt to be polite and communicate with others in a simple and kindly manner (in real life I’m often seen as too stoic, blunt, detached, cold, etc. lmao, so in general communication with strangers I tend to overcompensate to being excessively polite instead) - but that also means I can accidentally drop that sometimes if I’m being “real” or whatever.

Anyway, now that concerns over my tone have hopefully been explained, I’ll address this issue about your previous ask in a numbered list. Please read ALL of this, if you are actually taking this seriously. If you don’t actually read, in detail (no skimming), this entire response, then this is not even a discussion since you’re not willing to genuinely engage in the first place. -

Firstly, here is the original ask, for reference ----

As for how your question can be rude:

(1.) In my initial response (in the tags of your answer), I asserted various things, mostly that the question was rude, and that it’s not appropriate to ask people, for a variety of reasons. I’ll explain those in more length here.

My main point is that even asking the question in the first place is rude. It doesn’t matter how specifically you word it, it’s not appropriate. Just like any personal issue. At least in my culture, it’s typically thought of as inconsiderate and inappropriate to ask random strangers personal questions. for example, it would be rude to approach a random stranger on the bus that you’ve never even seen before and ask them why the have the haircut they do, who their sexual partners are, if they’ve just had a death in the family, how well their marriage is going, what their gender is, etc. etc.

(2.) On top of this personal boundary issue, another concern would be that the nature of the question itself is baseless --

Would you ask a cis woman why they're a woman? Or a cis man why he chose to be a man? Would you ask a straight person why they chose to be straight?

Would you find it acceptable and polite if a random stranger approached you on the street and asked you for an explanation as to why you're the gender you are? Imagine that exact scenario happening to you, and if you would find it odd or overstepping boundaries at all.

I doubt you ask this same gender identity question to everyone in your life, to your parents, friends, the cashier at your grocery store. Why is it only certain groups that need to explain or justify their identities to you? Only certain groups that you feel the inherent need to question? It's a double standard which further serves to prove the question itself is unnecessary.

(3.) Additionally, in case you're genuinely unsure of tone (maybe you have difficulty reading social cues or something, that’s understandable) I will explain - the way in which the question was asked has certain implications.

The statement “Why are you nonbinary? You seem like a pretty girl to me”, implies that - due to your beliefs about me/how you see me, you find it confusing that I could have a certain identity that you see as not matching your perception of me, or that you see as an invalid label, and are asking for me to justify or explain myself/my identity to you because of that.

Even if this implied meaning was not intentional, it is what most people will interpret upon reading the question, and would be a commonly held understanding. There are other ways you could have asked the question which would be less condescending, yes, but again, the other points still stand (like that the question in itself is impolite to ask to strangers, etc.)

Again, revisit the imaginary scenario of a stranger approaching you on the street and asking you why you’re the gender you are - would there not be some of this implication present? For example, say you’re a man - would it not feel as if someone were questioning your manhood, or implying you weren’t truly a man, or must not be a man ‘correctly’, or that ‘man’ is not a valid label for how they see you? Why else would they approach you and ask you in confusion for you to justify your identity to them? The implication is that they don’t see you as a valid man, or at least not how they see a man, and thus are having a hard time accepting that someone like YOU could ever be a real man - that it’s hard for them to believe you are what you say you are, because they see you differently.

(3.a) As an additional sidenote (one which I addressed in the tags replying to you initially), your ask (as well as this more recent one) also made certain assumptions. There are plenty of people who ''look like girls'' or 'look like boys' but aren't as they “seem”, even if you're someone who only believes in a “binary biological sex model” (I’ll include some links at the end about this). It's strange to assume someone's body parts or identity just based off of pictures you see on the internet (which often have specific lighting, angles, or in the case of many people are even edited and etc. I don't do this but it's really common nowadays with phone editing apps and stuff). Just because I appear a certain way to you, in no way implies that I have the physical form and traits you assume I have Consider how you may feel invalidated or uncomfortable if people sent you messages assuming personal things about you that are incorrect or that they have no way to possibly know.

Your standards and perception are also not universal, various cultures and groups have different ideas about what outward traits would make someone considered a “man” or a “woman”, so making your judgement of someone else’s identity based only on your own (extremely shallow, since it’s only from online pictures) perception of them, is also inherently a bit flawed.

(3.b-ish side tangent) In extension to this, your ideas and how you view me are likely incorrect. Just as it is similarly true that, from afar, any assumptions I make about you would likely be inaccurate as well. We are strangers.

For example, if you really knew me, you would know that I don’t pride myself in costumes and makeup - It’s a fun creative activity for me definitely, but I feel no pride over it, I don’t do it to look good or seem a certain way, and actually I resent it in a way, because often it feels like people mostly only pay attention to blurry pictures of me looking silly in cheap wigs, but don’t give that same level of engagement to the other more important things I do that I personally care about 100x more, like my worldbuilding and other projects lol. Absolutely nothing against the people who like my costumes, I appreciate them of course!!, and I still love doing costumes - BUT, to imply that it’s a primary source of pride in my life or a characteristic that defines me over other things, would be a mischaracterization.

Anyone who knows me in real life would certainly list a million other stand-out traits to define me, rather than ‘pretty make up woman’ (most people I know in real life would also not describe me as ‘pretty’ or as a ‘woman’, just for reference lol).

Your one sided perception of me (which I’ll address in the next section) may allow you to have a shallow idea of me as some sweet pretty costume girl or something, but just know that the reality is more like: I haven’t had much time lately to do costumes because I’m working on a game and other art which I see as much more important, I haven’t bathed or brushed my hair in weeks because of mental illness/functioning issues, 99% of the time I’m not ‘’dressed up’’ - I wear the same pajamas and cardigan that I’ve worn for the past 3 years and barely wash to the point that it’s disintegrating and leaves fabric scraps around the house lol, I have a little moustache right now and a unibrow and other “””non-womanly”””” traits (at least by common media western standards, which is what I assume you go by), I’m excessively analytical, detached, and in real life you would probably see me as blunt and cold and cynical (also commonly missing social cues) - as well as being hugely asocial/ a hermit and mostly lacking the ability to form attachments to others (So definitely not ~pretty and cute and approachable~ ghgg), I have obsessive compulsive disorder and am regularly so anxious that I’m throwing up and have various other issues - I’m also not Fun or Cool or Spontaneous because I’m too busy being rigid and high strung lol (even before the pandemic, I don’t like to leave the house or interact much at all with others, I’d rather be in my little controlled environment where I don’t have overwhelming sensory information and distractions raising my anxiety constantly),, and my favorite activities are literally all just stuff like pacing around my home alone talking to myself in different voices creating gods and fake religions for my fantasy worldbuilding while I eat boiled cabbage and light little pieces of paper on fire over a candle to help me think - not doing makeup and other Pretty Woman Things.

Which I don’t want to be too harsh or focus on this tangent too much, since obviously as you don’t know me in real life, these are all things you couldn’t possibly be aware of, and it simply comes with the territory of posting publicly online - so I absolutely don’t blame you for perceiving me incorrectly. If “pretty” pictures are all you see, then that may very well be the only impression that you have. I just personally dislike this certain interpretation some people have seemed to have of me (you’re not the first person to think of me as a Pretty Makeup Girl or whatever lol), since it’s so completely opposite from the truth of who I am, I feel the need to explain it like this sometimes. Just accepting the false perception some people have of me without any argument feels disingenuous and like supporting a version of myself that doesn’t exist.

So anyway, no issue with you personally, but just trying to set the perception of me straight a little more accurately lol.. now, back on topic --

(4.) Lastly, and here’s the main thing I’d like to stress, there's the issue of personal boundaries. Again, you're a complete stranger to me, I don't know who you are, and you have no idea who I am. Even if you've followed me online for years and read every post I've ever made, you still have no idea who I truly deeply am, only a vague scattering of snapshots over time.

Here are some definitions for Parasocial Relationships:

“Parasocial relationships are one-sided relationships, where one person extends emotional energy, interest and time, and the other party, the persona, is completely unaware of the other's existence. Parasocial relationships are most common with celebrities, organizations (such as sports teams) or television stars.”

“Parasocial interaction (PSI) refers to a kind of psychological relationship experienced by an audience in their mediated encounters with performers in the mass media, particularly on television.[1] PSI is described as an illusionary experience, such that media audiences interact with personas (e.g., talk show host, celebrities, fictional characters, social media influencers) as if they are engaged in a reciprocal relationship with them. The term was coined by Donald Horton and Richard Wohl in 1956. “

This is all anyone can ever have with people they follow online. You can perceive them, but you cannot know them or truly understand them. I think this is very important to remain cognizant of in such a massive social media age, as often times people are fostering one sided concepts that are inaccurate or unhealthy (no so much with just you sending me a simple ask, but in a broader sense, how people act towards celebrities, other bloggers, etc. etc. seems to have little boundaries, and often results in a similar manner with people forgetting to maintain acceptable boundaries with those they follow or know about from afar).

-- This next part is very important, I think it’s a super valuable way of thinking about this sort of stuff, so if you take away nothing else from this, at least remember this next portion --

A very good way to think about online boundaries that I heard someone mention in a post once (though I can no longer find the post), is to take whatever you're going to say to someone online, and imagine saying it in person, in real life, to a barista. Before you send an ask or make a comment, think about if it’s something you would really genuinely say face to face to a stranger.

Would you walk into a random Starbucks and ask the dude at the counter a bunch questions about their gender identity? Or about his personal life in general? You probably recognize that that would be strange and socially inappropriate. It's similarly inappropriate in a case like this.

Even though you may feel a sense of familiarity with someone online from reading their social media posts, or even speaking to them once or twice through asks and etc. etc., at the end of the day you don’t really know each other much more than you’d know a random stranger.

Unless someone is inviting personal questions (like by reblogging those ‘ask me anything’ posts or etc.), or has the sort of blog where they are commonly asking people about/discussing their own intimate personal experiences or etc. (mine is not this way), then questions like this are very out of the blue and similar to asking a random person working at a store things like that. It can be seen as rude and inappropriate in general to give those sorts of questions to people who are complete strangers, and typically comes off as crossing personal boundaries. Again, think about a random stranger asking you these questions, and how you may perceive it.

In summary:

1. The question itself is borne from an double standard and isn't very good to ask in the first place. 2. The way you asked the question was worded with certain implications. 3. Your ask is also assuming certain things that you don't know are true, which can be uncomfortable for some people. 4. Even were it not for the three other things, it's commonly considered rude in many cultures to ask serious questions about the personal details of complete strangers, even if it's online. It could prove useful to utilize the ‘barista test’ to better determine this in the future.

Final Thoughts:

Anyway, I wasn't mad and I have no beef with you or whatever lol. Hopefully you can understand what I mean. I've also explained myself as well as I think I can though, so I don't feel like discussing it any more and won't respond to further asks about this. I have a lot of things going on in my life right now (as I'm sure everyone does given the pandemic and everything, you probably do too, so hopefully you can empathize with that), so I’d like to limit my time spent online, especially discussing topics I already don’t like to discuss or am not open to accepting questions about (I just want to talk about cats and elves and stuff lol).

If you still can't at least kind of get where I'm coming from then it's perfectly fine to just agree to disagree. If aspects of myself upset you or cause you discomfort, then there's no harm in just unfollowing me or something! Or if you don't even follow me, I would encourage you to block me so my posts no longer come across your dash (or block/unfollow me on whatever other social media you may be seeing my posts on ,etc)., etc. That way you don't have to see content or hear from someone who makes you uncomfortable that way, and there also won't be any need for this to come up in the future. Part of using the internet in a healthy and productive manner is to know when to disengage with certain content and just cut it off/unfollow/block people/etc. if it’s causing you unnecessary conflict or distress, or makes you uncomfortable or etc. to look at. Thank you for the question! Hopefully this response explained things a little better.

Links and Further Info:

On the off chance that you were genuinely curious, here are some resources where you can learn more about people of different gender identities and also hear them explain their experiences, etc. Since these people are actually openly discussing their experiences/making educational content and are obviously actually open to talking about it, that would be a better place to field any further questions or learn about things. :3

Here’s some reading -

Understanding Nonbinary People (link)

Gender Variance Around the World (link)

12 Questions About Nonbinary Gender Answered (link)

About the Sex Binary (link)

Ask LGBT subreddit (link)

one ‘ask a nonbinary person’ blog i found (I don’t know if they’re still active, it’s one of the first ones that came up for me lol, but I guess could be helpful) (link)

And here’s some videos with people talking about their experience, or being educational -

(NOTE: I just did a quick google search and did not deeply research these people and their entire histories and etc., so I can’t say I stand by literally everything they say or know what type of people they are, but it’s just a general place to start~!)

A video examining the idea of gender in general and how it even exists and nonbinary people (definitely interesting to watch) (link)

video about nonbinary gender/explanations (probably at least watch this one too) (link)

What is a nonbinary gender? (shorter general info) (link)

answering all your nonbinary questions q&a (link)

Video about binary sex/gender/etc. (link)

5 nonbinary people explain what nonbinary means to them (link)

another video about similar stuff (link)

#Please stop sending me asks about this now. I just want to talk about elves and cats and fantasy writing and stuff #No personal questions unless I specifically comment on something/initiate the discussion or they're about my art or something else I'm doing #lol... especially with everything going on this year #just a big Let Me Relax I Will Deal With Anything Even Remotely Stressful Later mood #ANd anon if you're still here - go listen to 'And the beat goes on' by The Whispers #no real reason gjhgjhg it's just a good song and I had it playing while I was proofreading #(also for context - it hasn't just been two asks - I'm pretty sure this person sent me others. If that's not true then I apologize anon -#but I definitely got multiple asks that were mentioning similar things/of a similar tone (intentionally referring to me as a 'girl' 'woman'#consistently and in a kind of agressive way or etc. (which you can block asks even if they're on anon (i think it's just an IP block) so if #it was indeed this anon sending them then they may be blocked from sending any more asks already because I blocked all those weird ones #I got lol. if it wasn't them then they should still be fine though- but anyway. there were other messages being sent #etc. consistently - which only happened after the first initial ask and would happen regualrly so. etc. etc. Just wanted to mention it since #the 'stop sending me asks about this now' comment doesn't make much sense if you think there was only two asks lol. I'm preetty sure #there were more - though of course they're all anon so I can't confirm. ANYWAY - again.. i have no beef with you but if we don't agree then #please just disengage and stop following my content/sending me asks - and maybe watch some of the videos and stuff or go to #other reasources if you really want to know about this stuff because I'm just not the right person/in the correct mindset to explain it to #you. I can barely do basic daily functions like making sure I eat 3 times a day lol.. I don't have the mental energy to write educational #essays and etc. but SOME people do - which is why pursuing other resources is important. ALSO - listen to The Whispers. that is my #final advice.. put on some good music and just dance and eat some cheddar cheese or something. this will soothe every issue )

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