#not for space age stuff in general
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Me coded ♡

#generalized anxiety disorder#anxiety recovery#i found this cute and funny lol#safe space#sfw blog#sfw little post#age dreaming#agere little#sfw little stuff#agedre blog#sfw agedre#little space#autistic girl
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i know hoyo loves their twins with an older brother thing but i think its so funny that sunday just decided that he was the older one.
funniest thing that could ever happen to him would be for him to find out hes the younger one his entire world would fall apart
ms robin ofc would naturally take this with an amazing level of grace and also she would instantly take to the role of an older sister and try to spoil sunday to bits as hes still reeling
#how would this happen?#hertas space station. next question.#probably some sorta curio that tells the exact age of stuff who knows#sundays immediate life crisis would actually shatter his whole world#honestly i think that sunday would be very very cute as a younger brother#although he's a cute guy in general#my piopio..... his loss of honour is great#regain your honour piopio!!!!#robin oak#sunday oak#robin hsr#sunday hsr#hsr#honkai star rail
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thinkin abt absolute scatterbrain Wade & very particular little wolvie. like wolvie will play all day out in the mud & sticks but as soon as hes given a super processed food (old little boy) he cries. wade learned that lesson from dino nuggets and heroically made sure they didn’t go to waste (om nom) while wolvie got a carrot or something (sweet treat to him).
another thought. wade tells wolvie to wait for walkies or a book or playing or something, & gives wolvie a guestimate on what time they’ll get around to it. So wolvie plops his butt down in front of a clock (maybe with a roughed up teddy in hand) and waits. the clock tic tic tics past that time wade gave him, and wolvie is confused. he trails after wade, poking and pawing and grumbling at wade, who had genuinely constantly been thinking about what hed promised wolvie but just kept getting distracted. & then they live happily ever after yay yay yippee
#i didnt kno how to end that#lollers#half formed thoughts i needed to get out there somewhere#im not saying hes picky im jus saying he has his ways & he likes to stick to them#honestly projecting on wolvie!! & you cant stop me!!!!#he is a creature that likes eating leaves#but mushy meat is a texture no go#i think when hes big he wouldn’t have as many problems w food tho#okay this is alot of projecting#i get sad when im given stuff out of an airfryer (the witches curse i think) so he will too#um#i dont mean frozen food is bad in general#its just like#it just makes me sad#it has a vibe#so wolvie is a weird stickler like me now muahahahahah#wade needs a diagnosis stat#well okay many diagnoses#agere blog#agere#age re safe space#age regression#marvel agere#fandom agere#agere fandom#caregiver deadpool#deadpool agere#agere wolverine#regressor wolverine#agere thoughts
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You know what I want?
I want 'fantasy' (not necessarily "medieval fantasy") media for adults.
I'm watching the second season of arcane right now to keep up with my friends, but I don't think I'm the target audience for it; despite having a diversity of ages, Jinx's plot, one of the main ones, feels a bit too teenage-y for me. Not even in account of her actual age in the events of the series, but the style of the plot.
As an adult I don't want to consume only "real world" fiction though, I still want to have fun. I'm not always in the mood for romcoms and, damn, I can't stand biopics anymore.
I was a kid back then, but 00s (and 90s, when I wasn't even born) fiction hits such a sweet spot. Stuff with the tones of Mummy, Brotherhood of the Wolf, Van Helsing and Bram Stoker's Dracula (despite all the bad stuff surrounding the latter two) seems to be abandoned and I just don't know why.
At least we'll always have VtM, though >:)
#from here I'm not even talking about arcane anymore just the general feeling of adult media but#my main take is make kids stuff for kids and adult stuff for adults#sometimes it feels like the major studios want to make something for all ages because wider public = wider $$#but it always ends up in unsatisfied adults and kids not having spaces for childhood anymore#rambling
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I can never understand men who whine constantly about how mistreated they are, but then turn around and spew the most vile bullshit to their peers and perpetuate it everywhere without an ounce of shame or self awareness. The gross reaction to the mha ending is such a clear exemple of that in fandom.
Izuku must be punished for not getting the girl, and that makes him weak for not trying harder. Bc boys need to have riches and fuck around or they're worthless losers.
And Ochako must be punished as well bc she never wanted to become his trophy wife. Bc girls need it to be worth a damn, otherwise they're ungrateful whores.
But oh hahaha dw it was just a joke guys. Do you get it. Do you get it yet.
Ask from august 16th

They dont even like the the characters lmao what are they doing here
#grrr talking#grrr being a hater#somebody needs to stop them im so tired of them being The Baseline for everything#you can't get into manga/anime/videogames/games in general/tech stuff without them being “the correct and unbiased” ones#traumatizing. literally traumatizing. LITERALLY TRAUMATIZING#their takes are bad bad level emotional and psychological damage#of course there are terrible ppl in any space of the internet but the way they are considered “normal” fans its just so wrong...#like no... can we please start treating them like the weird conservatives they are????#Literally- I get flashbacks to that statistic showing younger guys are more conservative than older men#and way more than women their age.#however there are some dudebros who said to respect the ending and the author and being grateful for his work#and well. thats something better I guess.#well said anon
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Day 1 down!
The weather was gorgeous and we got to enjoy the sunlight for a good bit in the park, and I snagged myself some goodies:




(shoutout to @estramor for spotting the Mordor bag... I tried walking away and I couldn't XD Definitely will be the bag I use whenever I cosplay Mairon). And our kitchen is slowly morphing into having soot sprites everywhere -- soot sprite oven mitts, soot sprite apron, soot sprite bookends for the cook books XDD We've been meaning to get a kitchen towel, and this was just too perfect.
Also, after cosplaying for almost ten years, I have finally figured out a way to make raised hairstyles on non-lace front wigs work for me: BALD CAPS! I can't believe I didn't try this sooner, I would have saved myself so much grief (and money lmao). Still not as good as a lace front, obviously, but when the color you need is impossible to find on a lace front, this is a decent alternative. First time I'm actually happy with raised bangs on a blunt hairline wig!
I didn't take photos of the application process but, just for fun, I'm including photos of the removal process under the cut ^^





#all in all a good day#even if the state of this convention depresses me more and more each year#it was never well-organized and there have always been issues with the people who staff it but at least it was#very very fun to be at even if you went alone#it used to be super alive and just activity everywhere and really good energy from everyone#but ever since the pandemic it's just. very meh.#still fun to go shopping and walk around and see people i only ever see at cosplay events#but if enjoyment used to be a 10/10 it is currently at like. a 5 or 6.#which is very disappointing since a big part of the reason this is happening is because of how the con is run#ever since our con center got two buildings they've insisted on splitting it between both. and they're not adjacent.#you have to walk across the freeway to go between them.#so everyone and everything is super scattered. no one knows where anything is. staff are clueless.#add to that the increasing influx of western media/influence into anime spaces and how generic the official merch has become#and it's really just not the same con anymore :/#like half the vendor's floor is d&d stuff. like why?#don't get me wrong i like leather journals and dice and tea blends as much as anyone but like.#i want to go to comic con for that. why is it at the anime con?#it just feels like each year anime fandoms/merch are getting increasingly pushed out of the way#some things have always been present there like at//la and tolk//ien and drag//on age which is fine#but it's to the point where there was a booth today full of bleach stuff and like a good 15 of us were just standing there staring at it#going 'woah look it's bleach'#at an anime con. like. come on.#tl;dr i'm a bitter fandom ancient but still had fun and it was nice to not real life for a bit ^^#tomorrow is just chilling out with a bunch of homunculi during the day and final fantasy concert at night#sunday idk; the plan was to wear akura and just hang out in the park but we'll see how i feel#i didn't have enough vacation time to take monday off like i usually do so i might just skip sunday lmao#withoutwords
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today my nephew asked me what an mp3 reader is I finally understand my elders
#stuff like this happens all the time#every time we talk i realise that we're growing up in two completely different times#also he moves through apps#every time i mention something a website or some other thing you can find online#he asks what app is that#and I'm like baby no#the world is not made of apps#apps in the way they exist today are younger than you#or all the streaming platforms#i looked for a (definitly legal) movie in front of him the other day and i played it to check the quality#because him and his mom wanted to watch it and couldn't find it#and all he said was On what platform did you find it#i was like I'm gonna tell you a story#✨the story of internet in the early 2000✨#listen we grew up with internet meaning that the internet has grown with us which means that we know it#we know how to be safe on it we know what to do and what not to do we understand when something is real and when something is not#the problem with all these new generations is that yes they know how to use a phone since year one but in reality they have no idea about#the internet they have no idea about what they hold in their hands they have no idea about what they can do with it#what the hell they don't even know how to access the internet#they don't know websites they don't know every app is actually a website#the same nephew once turned on a computer and was so lost and disappointed he asked me#is there YouTube on this thing?#my child! you have the world at your hands and you're asking me if there is youtube in it#and yes of course he's a child he need to be thought stuff abd you're right#but also not if it makes sense#at least in my experience i was left completely alone on the internet and yes i was probably watched at a distance from my older siblings#but i was given the space and time to explore it at some point i had my very own computer i was on socials at a very young age#most of the people my own age where#and we were way more responsible with it#idk where am i going with this i don't really have a point
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I know it stopped being "trendy" a bit ago but i think ai for sure has killed liminal spaces/dreamcore/whatever you call it for good
#Ngl i am an unironic liminal aesthetic enjoyer but its hard to find content thats actually hand made like it used to be#Call it corny but i like surreal stuff & part of the draw was that it was an art to edit pics to be unreal and offputting#Now people just throw a sentence into ai ''art'' generators and makes ugly backrooms/poolrooms carbon copies its annoying#I need a different name other than liminal spaces cause that name is now associated with nu age hello kitty trauma aesthetics#Once again my only solution is to make another sideblog & curate my hyper specific tastes there#emf
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If u ever wanna make me feel better give me foods and head pats >.<

#just a general fyi#safe space#sfw blog#sfw little post#age dreaming#agere little#sfw little stuff#agere activities#age regression caregiver#agere caregiver#agere journal#agere support#agere community#i love foods
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honestly maybe it's bc i'm from a small town in florida where we didn't have a lot of covid cases until spring break hit, and also florida just... never really enforced a lockdown but every time i see a post talking about the Youth Of Today were all extremely damaged by lockdowns its like??? i think maybe ppl just haven't been around a lot of kids but working at summer camp before and after lockdowns the kids (5-13) seem fine & their behavior is the same. i was a freshman in high school when covid hit and certainly some people had a rough time mental health wise and i had friends i didn't see for years bc they were immunocompromised and had to switch to florida virtual bc schools here just stopped offering online school. like, it sucked, it still sucks, it was definitely a disruption. I'm just really not seeing any visible kind of developmental or behavioral issues in young children, anecdotally. Especially not to the extreme level suggested in some posts
#The same with posts about computer literacy like... Again i did a STEM program in HS#So probably my friends and I were more computer literate than average#But like. I promise you most teenagers know what a file is and how to find it#And those who don't can generally be taught basic literacy in a semester#the posts about ppl not knowing how to read is real tho. all of my english classes were DIRE and some of my college humanities classes are#too. florida just is not teaching critical thinking and it's really up to your parents to have you reading & thinking at a young age#also religious spaces help- not perfect but bible study stuff did tend to give kids some critical thinking ability#really depends on the denomination tho sometimes its the opposite
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sometimes I'll just see the tip of a drama iceberg passing for a fandom I'm not in where people just complaining about this subgroup of fans who are Doing Things Wrong and I'll go "glad I'm not there but even so maybe we just need to apply more judicious self content regulation?"
#blocking is free! I love doing it for the slightest things#I just use it as a ''get these posts out of my sight'' button at the drop of a hat#If i have a bad encounter the rare times I go out into wider fandom of the things I love#I just Don't Go Back There. frankly I dislike engaging with wider fandom in general#fandom for me is me and my group of friends' Correct Opinions.#at that point if someone does something Funny™ you can just... talk about it civilly?#that's another thing I feel like we could give a try more often but we don't want to have that conversation!#stop talking Red#on reflection ''we don't want to have that conversation'' feeds into that so revision:#it seems a wider trend is to immediately condemn anyone with an opposing opinion without giving them the space to grow from that opinion.#I do not like that and wish we could work towards a better place of understanding!#not ''tone policing.'' just asking to show a little more compassion for the human on the other side of the screen#EDIT: this was about Dragon Age stuff lmao#I have since taken my own advice and blocked those involved!
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um
#alway feel weir ab puttin my age range jnto my carrds/rentrys cuz its like#ik ppl kinda don givr a shiiiiiiiiit#n ik alot of systems don find alter age bein helpful as a concept at all even whrn it come 2 littles#but.. a big portion of our system is wildly different in their maturity level in regards to our body age?#wr only have one kiddo little n shes very small but we also have a few middles (which i sumtimes consider myself as well)#idk why it such a rejected concept sumtimes#like im nwt bein ableist to myself by describin myself in an accurate way#if non systems can have stuff like age regression (which. ithink. littles r pretty much the same thing in a different wrapping n with the#added aspect of did)#ithink its very handy 2 refer 2 especially as ya grow older#at least in spaces i feel safe 2#cuz once our body left my personal age range j been feelin WEIRD. i feel really pressured still cause like im an adult but imealso nawt#even outside of my own self. sure we have a 20yo brain + so on but we r So stunted by trauma i don think i ever feel like our body is past#the age of like. 14. its kinda terrifyin too.#but yea um.. alter age is good if its a helpful tool for ya.. if it aint please keep yr mouth shut.. its purely a self descriptor & no onr#forcin ya to put a label onto yrself if ya feel it don fit#personally i id wjth like a general 16-18ish but it fluctuates. nawt sure if id say am an age slider cuz the change is quite insignificant
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some important calvin and hobbes facts in case you haven't read the original comic strip in a long time or only absorbed stuff on it from memes and out of context bits on here:
Calvin's last name has never been given, and neither has any of his parent's names. This was actually why his uncle Max only showed up for a brief storyline; the creator of the comic, Bill Watterson, ultimately felt that while it was fine to have him as someone for his parents to talk to, it felt far too awkward to never have Max refer to them by name and he never made a return appearance.
The general tone of the comic is fairly light-hearted, with a big emphasis on goofy slapstick comedy contrasted by clever wordplay and often surprising adult-centered jokes that'll hit you like a slap. A big part of the comedy is, as Watterson put it (paraphrased) "It's really funny to me when people express deeply stupid ideas with really fancy terminology." One notable example you might have seen is that one bit where Calvin asks his mom for money to buy a Satan-worshiping rock album and his mom replies that there's nothing genuine about them and they're just putting on the attitude for shock value, and comisserates with Calvin as he deplores that mainstream nihilism can't be trusted. He concludes that childhood is disillusioning.
There is a LOT of criticism of the extreme materialism and selfish mentality of the late 80s, when the comic was initially written. This may go a long way to explain how its aged so well; much of what it criticizes resonates well with people today.
Bill Watterson views comic strips a legitimate form of artwork, and repeatedly fought to have more space to draw more beautiful and artistic backgrounds, which was a very hard fight and unpopular even with other comic strip artists. He eventually did win some compromises and a lot of Calvin And Hobbes' artwork shows it, with the use of space to indicate time as well as a sharp contrast between the often plain environments of mundane life contrasted by the wildly beautiful imagery of Calvin's imagination (which often sports realistic depictions in an art shift of sorts).
Hobbes is explicitly not an imaginary friend, by word of Watterson himself. We don't know WHAT he is exactly, and Hobbes is apparently unaware of the strange nature of his reality; people look at him and only see an ordinary stuffed tiger plushie, but he has a tangible effect on the world that would be physically impossible for Calvin to do on his own. He's apparently been around for a while, and was apparently around when Calvin was a young baby.
On that note; Hobbes has implicitly killed (notably treated as both a gag and also with the vibe of 'he's a tiger, duh') and while he doesn't do it again on-screen, he doesn't have any moral issues about it. Calvin claims that he's never had trouble bringing Hobbes to school because the last time he did, Hobbes killed and ate a bully named Tommy Chestnut and simply comments that it was gross and he needed a bath. Calvin's tried to repeat this again, but Hobbes was grossed out at the thought having to eat a kid raw and not being allowed to use an oven first, or complaining that children are too fattening.
Hobbes became gradually less human-like in body language and more like an actual cat in both body language and behavior; this was due to Watterson drawing more inspiration from his cat, who also inspired a lot of Hobbes' running gags, such as pouncing on Calvin when he got home. Several years into the syndication of the strip, Watterson's cat passed away, and he did a tribute to her with a comic strip of the two of them agreeing to try to dream together so they can keep playing when they have to sleep; Watterson's commentary (if I recall right), remarks on his cat: "We can see each other again in dreams."
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Another thing that’s got me thinking a lot is this take I keep seeing in regards to darker fiction, even relatively tame whump stuff, people going “it doesn’t matter that they’re fictional, it’s still wrong and you’re wrong and bad for wanting to write about it”. And it just seems like at some point people started thinking of characters as like. Real enough that you could actually hurt them. So it doesn’t matter if they’re fictional because what you’re doing in fiction is still harmful. And I try to chalk it up to an age thing, but there are grown adults doing this, and also, I was that age once. There’s a bunch of things in fiction I find uncomfortable and off putting and that I wouldn’t want to read about or watch, and I had friends at that age who felt the same way about the same things, but it wasn’t like. An identity. It was something we hardly talked about or thought about because we just. Didn’t like those things. And I guess I can’t tell if this really is something newer that appeared at a certain time, or if it was always here and I just don’t remember.
#I’d actually be very interested in like.#surveying people in fandom of various ages ig#to see if there’s any difference#idk why it’s not like I’d do anything productive with the results#I just have a lot of curiosity on when/how this developed#and if there’s a difference in people who have been in fandom spaces longer Vs people who haven’t#and to get a range of responses on what is and isn’t ‘okay’ in fiction#like. someone who thinks it’s morally wrong to write about a fictional character getting beaten or tortured#I want to know what makes them think that#what their reasoning for it is#not even to like. argue or try to change their mind#I’m just interested in the thought process behind it#I also in general have an interest in fandom communities and how they change and evolve over time#I love fandom history stuff#and this is a topic that has intrigued me#since I was like. 16/17#I don’t know if I could phrase the questions right in like a Google form survey#or if I’d even get very many responses#but I’m just curious about what other people think and why
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a 14+ rating on a magical girl show isn't as much of a big deal as people think it is. there's obviously madoka magica, and even sailor moon got very depressing in the original manga. most original magical girl animes were heavily sanitised by 4kids-type dubs - cardcaptor sakura had a kid marry her teacher, ojamajo doremi had a kidnapping episode, and in sailor moon's last few volumes the protagonists die one at a time. idwtbamg's violence is unique because it's direct with real weapons, not because it exists in the first place.
The issue is, this is Japan's rating system (hence why these shows were watered down when they got here). This very specific age range is hard to find in the US and even harder to sell. You'll usually find ages 4-12 and adult and nothing in between. Animation studios don't know how to market to teens and find them to be a risky demographic to make stuff for. Infinity Train, Avatar, Jentry Chau and maaaaybe Owl House are the closest examples done here that I've seen try to lean towards that audience/even get greenlit.
I've seen MANY of my friends and colleagues pitch around hoping to cater to this demo but their pitches usually get axed in development because studios don't think it'll be successful.
Studios are incredibly metrics based nowadays and are still only looking at cable numbers or streams. And when you think about it that way, yeah it is risky to cater to teens because teens generally pirate the shows that they do watch (if they're not just watching youtube). Which isn't a bad thing but studios don't see that. They don't see that teens make up a HUGE majority of online fandoms because that alone doesn't make them money. It COULD but that would require doing merch and learning how to pivot into engaging with online spaces which is, again, too risky for them. They can't replicate the success of studios like GLITCH or Spindlehorse, who have hit that teen demo PERFECTLY, because if they do try, it'd require them to dismantle the VERY OLD system and reassess EVERYTHING.
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Residuals
Ongoing Series
Synopsis: You and Robby spent seven long years together until the day it ended. You’ve done your best to create space; to become invisible. You can’t miss what you don’t see. Unfortunately, the universe (Gloria and the Board of Directors) seemed to have missed the memo.
Pairing: Michael ‘Robby’ Robinavitch x Reader
Genre: Established previous relationship, slight age gap (by about 15 years give or take), a little bit of tension mixed in with a little bit of hate yearning, cause she’s a saucy angsty fic ok
A/N: So, I kept telling myself I wasn’t going to do this, but honestly, I’m such a sl*t for Noah Wyle and older men. I also kept running into there being just hardly any fics in general for this amazing show and so…here I am. Attempting to create my version with an OC that does have a last name (it's for the doctor purposes but also I hate that whole y/n, y/l/n stuff, ok? It just throws my ass off and throws me out of a story) and follows along with the episodes of the show. Idk how this will go or be received but I’m here wrecking myself. Much Love
Shout out to @viridian-dagger for looking this over for me and hyping me up when I feel like my shit is trash. I Love you. Also, thanks to @strangergraphics for the cute little divider.
Word Count: 3259
Next I
7:00 AM
“No, absolutely not. Ask someone else.”
The break room was the perfect place for Gloria’s early morning ambush. You’d barely pushed in the numbers on the keypad, the door swinging open when your gaze homed in on her position leaning against the small kitchenette. The words blurted out from a place deeply seeded in not being ready for her or the administration's early morning bullshit. You hadn’t even got to enjoy your coffee yet.
You’d turned on your heel and raced back out the door in what could’ve been record time. Your hand tried to steady the sloshing of your coffee as you could feel Gloria hot on your heels.
“You don’t even know what I was going to ask, Dr. Fullerton.”
“You’re right - I don’t. However, seeing you this early, Gloria is not a good omen for starting my day.”
There was nowhere in the entire trauma center that you could go to get away from her and, knowing Gloria, she wasn’t going to make it easy for you. Realistically, you understood that Gloria was just another cog in the corporate machine. She rode your ass - and every other medical professional in the system from doctors during residency to technicians and CNAs - because it’s what the big bad CEOs demanded. The hospital functioned on efficiency facilitated by money and if too many bad Yelp reviews arrived it systematically hurt numbers. Bad numbers equaled a bad flow of funds.
Gloria no doubt listened to her bosses during an early morning meeting where they rattled off complaint after complaint that dealt with a showcase of data and numbers. Both, of which, the board constantly claimed, showed the true efficiency of the hospital - not the life-saving measures taken to keep people alive. No doubt its main focus rested on the emergency department downstairs, because, once again, Yelp reviews of massive wait times and poor satisfaction scores outweighed the expertise of attending doctors.
You didn’t envy Gloria’s position of being hated for being said cog in the corporate machine. Her job focused on relaying the demands from the top. Gloria was forever the bad guy to staff whenever they noticed her no-nonsense demeanor coming towards them. It was hard to be sympathetic to her plight when she followed you around like a bloodhound. The woman was relentless.
“The board would like to see if applying additional support down in the emergency department would help alleviate time issues that are keeping patient satisfaction at a tremendous low.”
Absolutely not.
You would rather chew your arm off than be sent down there. Your retreat came to a halt as you turned to face her. There weren't too many places inside the hospital you could go, and you were willing to bet Gloria was willing to follow you anywhere until you conceded. Plus, you came to a full stop in front of the elevator, and no matter how much you’d like to magically teleport yourself inside of it, unfortunately, you were mortal and would just have to wait.
Gloria’s hands were interlocked in front of her middle - eyes drilling miniature holes in you that not that long ago used to make you squirm. That was back when you were just starting your internship - eager back then to make a great first impression. Terrified of being reprimanded for making an unpopular decision or speaking your mind.
“Gloria, I’m in family medicine.”
“Last time I checked you started in the emergency department and helped out in intensive care.”
“Yes, great memory, Gloria. If you also recall, I moved to family medicine where I’ve been for the last couple of years.”
The transfer to family medicine was a hard pill to swallow. You’d grown accustomed to the craziness of the ER. The constant adrenaline rush that required you to always bring your A game. Where the anxiety was at an all-time maxed-out high where a simple mistake cost lives but a quick deduction could save them. Once you’d moved upstairs to help out Dr. Nave’s family practice, it’d been a huge adjustment. Eventually, once your body got used to the monotony of the days, you found you were finally able to sleep. To be semi-normal.
There was no denying, however, that you left something important behind in The Pitt. Something you hoped you could leave there inside its sterile rooms and the overwhelming storm of emotions.
“I’m not asking you to go back down there to answer every trauma call. I’m asking you to take your family medicine knowledge downstairs to help assess triage for minor issues -“
“You mean people who come in for chest colds,” you interrupted.
“ - and help the senior doctors clear out these cases so they can focus on more immediate health care concerns.”
Gloria’s words crushed your small outburst and bore down on your shoulders, keeping you from trying to move away. Her hands were now connected at her elbows, which was her silent way of informing you she didn’t appreciate you trying to talk over her. That no would never be an acceptable answer.
You felt the drag of your teeth against your cheek. The temptation to bite down to relieve your growing irritation was overwhelming but futile. No matter what argument you came up with, you knew Gloria was here to make sure what the board requested was done.
Instead of bloodshed, you eased your frustration out inch by inch through your nose. Your eyes scanned over the shitty egg wash walls while you debated all of your available options, which were a big fat none.
“How long?”
Gloria didn’t need clarification on what you were asking. The way she practically preened like a peacock let you know she knew she’d won.
“As long as the board requires it.”
“I’ll do it just for today,” you interjected, ignoring her raised brow. “Today you can see if pulling me from Nave’s floor makes your charts or numbers move or whatever data it is you all look at. If it does nothing, today is my first and last day going down.”
Gloria considered your counterargument. The sharpness in her eyes brightened; the terms of this new agreement were revised without you knowing the new verbiage. The only thing you were sure of was that you could count on this small verbal agreement being drawn out in document form for you to sign later.
“Alright, Dr. Fullerton. You’ve got a deal. I’m sure the board will agree. Now come on. If we walk down fast enough maybe, you’ll make it in time for shift change.”
She didn’t wait to see if you were going to follow. Why would she when Gloria knew very well you weren’t going to fight it, especially when the main reason for your denial currently wouldn’t be working today.
Anniversaries were never really Robby’s thing.
You would never admit it, but your anxiety was fifteen feet away from grabbing you in a chokehold.
Get a fucking grip.
It had been two years since you left the ER. Two years since Robby and you had called time on seven years together. Seven years of memories filled with all the good and bad, co-parenting Jake, and keeping your relationship secret until it wasn’t. The early years of walking to work together with quick kisses goodbye before you split up just before you turned onto the final street to the hospital. The both of you choose different entrances each time to try and not raise suspicion.
It took Dana four days to figure out the two of you were together.
Dana was perceptive like that. Hell, she’d been the angel on your shoulder whispering hints that Robby just might like you as much as you liked him.
“I told him to ask you out to dinner. He thinks you’ll say no.” “If he did ask, I should say no,” you countered. Your eyes struggle to stay trained on the chart in front of you. “Yeah, but I know you’ll say yes.” “And what makes you so sure about that, Dana?” “Because if you don’t stop giving each other googly eyes from across my nursing station I’m going to throttle you both.”
Robby had only been divorced from his wife for less than a year. You’d overheard snippets of conversations between Robby and Abbot, Dana, or Adamson about custody battles and visitations. The last thing you wanted to do was be a possible added stress to an already stressful situation. At least, that was the bullshit you kept telling yourself to try and stay away.
But Dana was right (she usually was, but you’d never tell her that).
You couldn’t pinpoint a specific time when things started to change between the two of you. The coffee breaks on the roof looking out over the top of Pittsburgh Trauma Medical Center. The jokes that caused smiles to crest over his face, rivaled the glow from the sun's early morning rays. He told you later, in the med closet, how the sound of your laughter was something he looked forward to hearing; the warmth of it was enough to keep helping him make it through his shift. A sound he began to crave in the quiet corners of his home. You could still remember the phone calls and early texts. The caution and heavy breaths that harbored a desire that longed to reach out and consume the other. The two of you were equally afraid to be the one to take that first step over the bounds of professionalism.
The two of you knew the dangers of playing with lingering touches and knowing glances. The way you both acted like you wouldn’t ultimately end up burned. You could still recall the way he’d traced his thumb across your lips. The possessive way his eyes followed the motion made the desire for him to close that space, to claim you, to take you, threatened to make you lose all self-control.
Eventually, you stopped listening to the warning signs of all the what ifs; of being the intern and worrying about how it would make you look. When Robby asked you out on that date you didn’t hesitate to say yes.
You didn’t think it was possible to fall in love with someone the way you did with Robby. He was so attentive; he was thoughtful in the most pragmatic ways - packing extra scrubs in your pack. Teaching you how to fish and the differences between the lures and bait. The way he took the time to explain the objects he carved from wood and how much pressure was necessary to create the grooves and pattern. The way his voice would sound as he read to you; the soothing vibrations of his baritone the safest place you could be with his fingers in your hair.
He carved out a life that made it possible for all three of you to co-exist. His son, Jake, becomes the deepest interwoven part of your life you never realized was missing. On days Robby had him, you planned camping trips up in the mountains to hike and fish. To go on museum trips into Jake’s latest hobbies with the two of you making sure to have his game day off to cheer embarrassingly loud for him in the stands. The shared looks of pain from beside each other on the couch while Jake practiced his clarinet upstairs when he thought he wanted to be in the school band. You got lost in furniture manuals, cooking dinners that ended a few times with questionable outcomes, and attempting to bake tarts and pies that led to a one-time usage of the fire extinguisher. The euphoria of loving someone and being loved so fiercely in return made the years feel weightless, and when Robby finally proposed it made so much sense to say yes.
And COVID happened.
The quarantine and the endless amounts of patients that just kept coming - that felt like, no matter what you did, they couldn’t be saved. Family and friends, you both knew were ravaged by the infection. There were no answers. No medical treatments that you knew for sure would be what would save them. It didn’t discriminate and took lives without mercy. You just came to work every day, exhausted, and fighting to do what you could to heal those you could. You showed up every day for your patients.
Then Adamson passed.
There was no denying Robby blamed himself for what occurred with his mentor. It didn’t matter what you said. What Dana, Abbot, or anyone else said. The guilt weighed down on his conscience, pressed so violently, that eventually, Robby cracked under the strain. His grief was all-encompassing and the added loss that should’ve been experienced together, was left for only you to bear - widening the gap between you until it became a chasm.
The last time you’d seen Robby he’d been leaving to go to work. The latest fight - the endless bitter silences that stretched on - tore at the fabric of your being. Fractured pieces you didn’t know how to pick up on your own no longer felt worth fighting for. So, you decided to remove yourself from the equation.
When Robby came home from work that night you were already gone. Your engagement ring and house key sitting on a note that asked him not to contact you. He’d made it clear enough that there was no place for you in the new person that he was becoming - made it clear that your grief would be processed alone.
And so that was how you ended up transferring to family medicine. How you made sure to steer clear of all the places Robby was known to frequent. You ignored, as politely as you could, texts from Dana. Refused to talk about him in a work capacity or to close friends.
The truth was that you were still in love with Robby after all this time. The idea that someone else could ever make you feel as whole - as complete - didn’t exist. So, yes, you only agreed to come back down to the emergency department, where it all started, because you comfortably knew he wouldn’t be here. Dana, you could deal with her by using a little recon - you just needed to stay two steps ahead of her. Langdon was easier to deal with because his loyalty to Robby was absolute, which made you public enemy number one. For you, that meant he’d stay away from you on principle.
You were in the middle of shoving down the growing dread that was threatening to spill out of you when you came around the north hall triage. It was morning rounds. It was the attending's job to give the early morning pep-talk, debrief about patients who came in last shift, and go over the board. What you found waiting for you was what looked very much like a fresh batch of interns and/or med students taking instructions from a doctor you knew painfully well. One that made you question if it was too late to back out and turn tail and run.
“Oh, shit.” Dana huffed the words under her breath, but Robby caught them. The way each one dripped in a warning he should’ve heeded. “Gloria -”
It didn’t surprise him to hear she was here. He’d been warned by Dana but what Robby hadn’t expected was to see you - you - standing beside her.
You who he thought completely disappeared to the point you’d quit the hospital. You, who he thought of in the most inconvenient of times, who haunted him, and you who he wanted to fucking scream and curse at you but also ask how the fuck you’re doing because Jesus Christ…
He didn’t need this shit today.
At least you had the decency to look as uncomfortable as he felt.
“Good morning, Dr. Robby. I’m aware you and most of your emergency department know Dr. Fullerton. She used to work down here previously a few years back.”
“You could say that again,” Langdon muttered.
“I’m sorry why are you bringing a random fucking doctor down into The Pitt?”
The annoyance contrasted with the peaceful professionalism Gloria tried to hold together. But if she was going to bring random doctors down here, God, bring you fucking down here, he was damn sure going to make her work for it. Inch by irritating inch.
“We both know that Dr. Fullerton is not a hospital resident or an attending transfer. As previously stated, she worked down here in this very ED, with you no less. She also holds one of the highest Press Ganey scores in this hospital.”
“I’m sure she’s very proud,” his words ground out like he’d swallowed gravel.
Gloria shot him a warning look as she continued, “-Something I figure she could teach the new students and old physicians here. I’m bringing her down to assist Dr. McKay today in triage.”
“Let me guess - this either has to deal with the hospital's numbers or lack of working bodies down here. Am I right?”
“What a fantastic guess, Robby. It does indeed have to do with the hospitals' numbers and poor patient output. Based on those numbers alone today, if it shows Dr. Fullerton’s presence helps patient satisfaction go up and wait times decrease - even in the slightest - she’ll be staying here. Permanently.”
His jaw ticked violently. He wanted to bristle and tell her where to stick her metrics and numbers. To tell Gloria to get you the fuck out of his Pitt. Somewhere in his brain, his common sense slowly won out. It didn’t matter how much of a fit he threw; Gloria had every intention of making you stay. Down here. With him.
Robby also knew, realistically, that the chances of you driving up productivity were high. You were a damn good doctor. One of the best. Adamson had made sure. Christ, Robby himself made sure. Fuck. The edges of his vision were beginning to tighten in glaring white; he needed to get away before he succumbed to a panic attack.
He should’ve kept looking away, but he was fighting a losing battle trying to keep his eyes away from you. It’d been nearly two years since he came home to find you gone. Two years for him to think of the hundreds of thousands of questions that he would demand for you to answer if he ever saw you again. All those months of burying it all down, telling himself he got what he wanted, only for it to be dredged up, and on a day like today, he was already close to his breaking point.
You looked good. Great, even. Just as gorgeous as the first day he’d met you and begrudgingly, for a split second, he wondered how you saw him. If you were equally as fucked as he was.
“Make sure she stays with you up in triage, Dr. McKay. I don’t want to see her in my red zone.”
He didn’t wait to hear confirmation from Gloria or McKay. He didn’t bother to see if you understood he meant every word he said. You had no place down here. Robby needed to start his shift - to start the normalcy of seeing patients - before he completely forgot why he chose to come into work today.
He needed to get away before all his resolve shattered. The easiest way to keep himself whole was to begin his day. To do his rounds and when he passed you, he did his best to pretend you didn’t even exist.
___________
Thank you so much for taking the time to read this and I hope you enjoyed it! Reblogs and comments are always appreciated! Much love.
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