#sometimes it feels like the major studios want to make something for all ages because wider public = wider $$

[arc-tu-rus]

You know what I want?

I want 'fantasy' (not necessarily "medieval fantasy") media for adults.

I'm watching the second season of arcane right now to keep up with my friends, but I don't think I'm the target audience for it; despite having a diversity of ages, Jinx's plot, one of the main ones, feels a bit too teenage-y for me. Not even in account of her actual age in the events of the series, but the style of the plot.

As an adult I don't want to consume only "real world" fiction though, I still want to have fun. I'm not always in the mood for romcoms and, damn, I can't stand biopics anymore.

I was a kid back then, but 00s (and 90s, when I wasn't even born) fiction hits such a sweet spot. Stuff with the tones of Mummy, Brotherhood of the Wolf, Van Helsing and Bram Stoker's Dracula (despite all the bad stuff surrounding the latter two) seems to be abandoned and I just don't know why.

At least we'll always have VtM, though >:)

[togglesbloggle]

In Defense of Bad Things

'Bad' here meaning mostly 'amateur'; stuff made enthusiastically by people at an unprofessional level. Art with visible gaps between what the artist imagined and what they achieved, products of flawed craftsmanship. I suppose everybody can appreciate them to some extent, it's a rare parent that doesn't put up their kid's drawings on the fridge in one way or another. But it turns out to be a fully general skill you can cultivate, and the more I do, the more I'm glad I did.

Partly, it's the teacher thing; finding delight in amateur work is one of the ways to find delight in the process of learning. Cultivating a love of striving-qua-striving can help make you a force for good in the world, as people start to feel safe trying to do things when you're around, even when their efforts are wobbly. You get to participate a little more in the process of atoms spinning themselves into ideas, even when there aren't any illusions about whether you're helping cultivate some revolutionary genius in the field.

And partly it's a fabulous way to build community. By necessity, our professional-level skills tend to be at the service of other people, performed for economic benefit; that's kind of how you get professionally good at something in the first place. When we're acting for our own sake, and among friends, most of what we do with one another is amateurish. I only cook middling-okay, I can't hold a tune that well, I'll never be a speed runner for anything. If you can only enjoy singing from the hundred best singers in the whole world, manufactured and polished by major studios, then you and your friends will sit shoulder-to-shoulder and passively listen to music. But it's so much richer an experience to sit face-to-face, actually singing together, even badly; you expose yourself to so many new ways to appreciate and respect one another, building relationships on what you've accomplished and not just by witty criticism or liking the same things.

And partly it's because some of the most powerful and innovative artistic experiences are in high-churn environments with low expectations and low barriers to entry, if only because those catch the passionate and driven young people that have been otherwise overlooked by our systems. The golden age of webcomics meant that a ton of the actual art involved was pretty lousy, but it also produced work that people still talk about today. D&D began as a profoundly unpolished collection of handmade rulebooks sold at cons in a plastic baggie. By the time these products of enthusiastic amateurs filter themselves through various levels of popularity and absorb mainstream cash influx, they're often risk-averse and missing a lot of the bold spark that inspired their fans in the first place; others will simply never drift towards the mainstream at all. I'm not saying you should be the person who goes out to dig through the slush piles of the internet looking for overlooked art, unless you want to be-- but sometimes a work of actual staggering genius also happens to be a Supernatural fanfic by a first-time author who's a little hazy on commas, and if that's a dealbreaker, you're going to miss out on some profoundly valuable experiences.

And hiding behind all of these things is, like...

Our appreciation of beauty has an odd structure, right? When things are done very skillfully, by brilliant artists with years of training, we can usually appreciate those accomplishments. And when we're looking at nature without human influence, and especially when we think very deeply about natural processes and understand them in context, we often rediscover that sense of beauty. There's just this bizarre hole in the middle where we declare things 'ugly'; as if a little skill is worse than none at all.

I really don't trust that gap. It feels like a trick my brain is playing on me, you know? It has me suspicious that a lot of what I consider 'ugly' or 'bad' is not a very direct experience of the world at all, or an informed judgment. That it is, rather, a declaration of (self-, social-) identity; a desire to be seen as a person of good taste, or as somebody who does things well, or just more primitively as one of the monkeys who is in the good-stuff-tribe and not one of the monkeys who is in the bad-stuff-tribe.

[bonny-kookoo]

Yoonkook x Reader

Touch-Starved [Main Story]

Yoongi has a crush on you, but is convinced you're not interested in him. You have a crush on Yoongi, but are sure that he'd never like you if he knew your secret. Jungkook has a crush on you but won't admit it to anyone, and you have a crush on Jungkook, but you think you know that he'd never see you as a possible partner, because he knows your secret. It's all just such a mess. How could you ever sort this out?

Tags/Warnings: Wolf!Bangtan, Wolf!Jungkook, Wolf!Yoongi, Dog!Reader, Puppy!Reader, DDLG aspects and themes, no judgement allowed here, non-sexual regression!!!, none of those themes are sexualized in this work, hurt and comfort, major fluff but also lots of angst and insecurity, friends to lovers

Length: idk long didn't count

-> Masterlist

There is no taglist for this fic.

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Yoongi is not good at things like affection, or relationships at that.

He easily turns red as bright as a spanked ass whenever he has to try and compliment someone he's even just remotely romantically interested in, or he will otherwise simply not find the courage to do it at all. Backhanded compliments are a regular thing with him, his character not allowing him to show someone he cares without implying that he doesn't- a trait that he hates about himself.

He'd learned it from his father, making him even more upset since he never really got along well with that man in the first place. Yet the more he thinks about it, the more it seems like his family history will just repeat itself, and he will find himself in a marriage simply created because of convenience, not love.

He cringes at that, throwing the rest of his sandwich away. His appetite has been long gone anyways.

The reason of his foul mood is in the dorm currently, sitting comfortably on the couch playfully wrestling with Jungkook over a pack of chips he can't identify from his spot.

He hates Jungkook sometimes.

He's always pictured as a shy boy, yet he's actually the exact opposite - easily likable, charming, and most of all- he's your age. The maknae and you are merely half a year apart in age, and he can see why you get along with him. He is a nice person, with his bright smile and large eyes, talented, strong, and likes video games as much as you do.

Yoongi himself does play some games to a small extend, however, he rather buries himself in his work, losing sense of time whenever music is involved.

Overly confident is not how he would describe you- you are simply uncaring of trends of the masses. You don't crave to stand out like Taehyung does, you rather enjoy simply living for yourself and what makes you happy no matter what people would think of your 'goals'. You love stuffed animals and soft colorful things no matter how childish it might make you look. You rarely take selfies of yourself, and never really pose much in images- you just smile, simple as that.

God that smile. If there is an emotion for hate and love at the same time, he is constantly feeling it when it comes to you.

Yoongi wants to be close to you as well, maybe even the closest if he is honest, yet he doesn't know how the hell he is supposed to do that. You both rarely text- he is too unsure if he can, since he is only in a groupchat with you, and only got your ID from Hoseok, who gave it to him in case Yoongi needs to text you something important. You rarely visit him in his studio, but then again, he never told you you'd be welcome anytime. Every small thing he does for you he either brushes it off as nothing speci¹al, or sometimes even tells you that he didn't do it, but one of his members, claiming that he has no Idea what you are talking about. You also show absolutely no interest in him whatsoever.

Which makes his embarrassing crush on you all the more awkward.

He's Min Yoongi for god's sake! He could have anyone if he really tried, if just for his fame and wealth and status as a full blooded Wolf-Hybrid coming from a 'clean' bloodline- yet he is stuck with you, the tiny dog hybrid who sees him as a friend only- if even that at all.

"Yoongi! Finally leaving your wife in there to join us in being social for once?" Seokjin remarks with his signature laugh following, making you chuckle as well.

"Don't be mean Jin." You softly scold the oldest. "Yoongs works hard in there." You look over your shoulder, one of your floppy ears unfolding while you smile that goddamn smile at him- not huge, not a smirk, simply a nice friendly gesture towards him, curled tail wagging a little.

The nickname doesn't make it better.

He hates nicknames, however, he could definitely keep living with your cute versions of his first name any day of the week. He wants to answer you, give you a verbal response, yet all he can bring himself to do is a shrug of his shoulders.

What the fuck.

But you only playfully hold your heart, falling into Jungkooks lap with a dramatic sigh. "Ah, always so cold-!" Which makes the guys laugh, and himself involuntarily smile to himself. He sits down, managing to actually place his ass next to you on the couch without instantly retreating for once. You bravely put your legs over his lap, and his mind is beginning to form the same amount of error messages like his PC system the last time he spilled his iced americano over his MIDI-board.

Yet he only grunts on the outside, and takes his phone out to search for something.

You chuckle, mumbling a sorry under your breath and move to slide your legs off of him again, but his unused hand stops them, shifting them back. His fingers are touching the small patch of bare skin on your calf between your leggings and fluffy sock that had slid down a little- and he has to use all of his self-control not to burst into flames.

He's never really had any very close contact with you, and always imagined what your skin may feel like- as creepy as that sounds. The smile he can see you forming from the side of his view makes him relax, as well- the first sign spotted that he might have some sort of effect on you. Taehyung makes a noise, but is silenced by namjoon who pulls him into a conversation to avoid embarrassing the producer, well aware of his own personal dilemma with you. He is the only one who really knows of his feelings towards you- having told yoongi that you actually feel the same way, yet a bit different. You are, according to namjoon, scared to overstep boundaries with Yoongi, worried that he may snap at you like he did a few months back.

There's that certain feeling whenever you do something stupid and then want to apologize, but you miss the chance and now weeks after it's just awkward, so you don't mention it, while also having to deal with the consequences daily.

Yeah. He still thinks of that moment he'd yelled at you sometimes at the most random of times, cringing internally at it. He'd been stressed with the new Album he wanted to put out, having been stuck on one song, and you had just turned up at the wrong time. You didn't cry or anything like that, you simply apologized for opening his studio without knocking, and left with your tail tucked between your legs. Since then however you'd become a bit more distant with him, more careful, and less touchy than you were with the rest of the pack.

He knows you're a sucker for skinship and cuddling, especially as a dog hybrid who's grown up in a carecenter between many other hybrids, yet you also respect if someone wants space. He loves how much attention you pay to your surroundings, eyes always wide open- you remember things for a long time, and you are able to keep track of so many things at once- yet he's also seen your apartment, a glimpse of your more raw personal side that you tend to keep close to yourself. You're a chaotic person, and he doesn't know how you find anything on that desk of yours.

You struggle to keep track of chores and your own health sometimes, yet you try hard, he knows that. And that makes him feel such an extreme need to make sure you're always happy and taken care of, that he's the one to take care of you.

"Oh, YOONGI!" You suddenly gasp at him, and he raises his eyebrows, looking at you as you move around a bit, your hands searching in your sweater pocket for something. "I actually cleaned up my apartment yesterday, and I found this. I think I borrowed it sometime ago, but lost it- sorry for that again by the way, won't happen again I promise!" You say, showing him a black and silver USB stick, your curly tail wagging in excitement.

You're right, that is his. He actually had forgotten about it.

"Took you long enough." He simply says and takes it from you to put it in his own pocket, seconds later cringing at his sentence. He could've definitely phrased that better, or maybe even simply thank you for giving it back even after all this time. Yet the timeframe of saying thank you without making it seem weird or out of place is already overstepped now, so he has to suffer.

Jungkook chimes in instead.

"I helped her get some order back into that place. Poor puppy had been so stressed with work that she couldnt keep up anymore." He says, laughing along with you, and Yoongi lets a chuckle of his own slip. But instead of telling you what a good job you did, or any praise he really wants to tell you, he only pats your leg gently two times, running his thumb over your calf for a second, internally imprinting into his mind how soft your skin is.

You however beam at this, visibly feeding off of his small gesture like a touch starved pet- and he can't help but find it cute.

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A knock on his door makes him look at it, giving a verbal response in a low "Hm?", as he hears your voice from behind it.

You're not really saying anything, just a sound of confusion and discomfort escaping you from behind the door, and he can slowly hear your slippers softly moving away, when he gets up from his chair to open his door to see you stop to look at him. You're standing in front of him with wide eyes and lowered ears, one of them being pulled on by your hand as he can hear the rest of the pack laughing in the main living room of the dorm. He chuckles at that, waving you into his studio, making him and yourself smile. You thank him somewhat quietly, and go to sit down on his small couch he has inside his studio, laying down so your feet still touched the ground as to not overstep any unspoken rules he might have.

Yoongi however walks up to you, and puts your feet up for you, grabbing a spare blanket from besides the couch, something he always kept here since he sleeps in his studio quite often. You thank him quietly for that, the soft buzzing of his studio PC and the nice air conditioning already helping your fuzzy head a lot.

Jumping over your shadow and coming here was a good idea after all, it seems like.

Yoongi sympathizes with you when it comes to headaches- and it's clear from your behavior that you probably have one, which could also explain why you don't really talk, since it probably hurts. Due to the fact that he seems to solely survive off of caffeine and a cup of instant ramen smashed in between his busy schedule, he gets them more often than he would like to admit. Yet he also remembers how you'd told him once how easily your headaches evolved into migraines if you weren't careful, so he is mindful to help you in avoiding that this time. He digs around in his mind for any small excuse to talk to you, yet ultimately decides against it, thinking it would probably be better for you to have as much silence as possible.

He wonders what your secret is.

Namjoon had mentioned something you kept secret 'for a reason', but he wouldn't tell the producer what it could be, not even a hint. You hopefully know that nothing could ever really make Yoongi see you any different than he does right now.

Except maybe murder- but he doubts that that's what you're hiding.

He also knows that Jungkook is aware of it too. Maybe you both are a couple? He does sleep over sometimes after all, seems to be awfully good with calming you down whenever you're anxious or panicking. It's like the young wolf is aware or something Yoongi isn't, able to manage you when you're becoming restless about things.

Another knock is heard. Yoongi attempts to call out- but gets up to walk to the door instead so he won't shout and worsen your headache. It's Jungkook- because of course it is.

"Hey- is- oh, there she is. I was wondering where she went " jungkook says, entering after the rapper walks aside, silently giving him permission to come in. "Hey- everything okay?" Jungkook wonders softly to you, and you quietly shake your head, whining slightly to yourself before you pull down your ears once more over your eyes, clearly signaling your headache to him as well. "I told you to drink more, puppy. Come on, let's get you home." He gently says, helping you sit up.

"She can just nap here, I don't mind." Yoongi offers- but there's something in Jungkook's eyes that seems oddly suspicious as he looks for an answer inside his head it seems like.

"Ah, I'll rather take her home, but thanks hyung." He tells him, averting his gaze as he instead occupies himself with you who's silently reaching out for him, clinging onto him as he picks you up, showing clearly how used to it both of you are. Jungkook holds you almost effortlessly, while you're instinctively laying your head on his shoulder, arms around his neck.

Yeah, you're probably a couple, and you just don't want to say it out loud.

"You know, you could just tell everyone." Yoongi grumbles more or less as he opens the door for the two of you, Jungkooks wide eyes looking at him. "No one's gonna get mad or something if you told them." He shrugs, and Jungkook looks around for a second, on edge. "You're together, right?" He asks, and Jungkook shakes his head- though with a hint of shyness in his face.

"Ah no- hyung.." He sighs. "I'll- she'll explain when she's ready okay?" He says, as you whine into his neck. "I have to bring her home now- thanks for looking after her!" He says already walking away-

leaving Yoongi confused.

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Jungkook honestly wishes you and him were a couple.

But life doesn't work like this, and sadly, you're not into him like that. You see him as a comfort person, a packmate and a friend- but nothing more than that. He remembers when he first 'caught' you in the midst of regressing in your home-

the whole apartment a mess, cluttered and absolutely disorganized.

You're one of only three percent of dog hybrids that fall into a different headspace when stressed or overwhelmed. It's not something you can control, and neither is it a trauma response- it's just nature playing a cruel joke on you, making your mind shut down to a certain degree to protect you. It's like your brain is overprotective- trying to shield you from all potential mental harm.

But all of that comes with a lot of issues and troubles, such as difficulty holding a job, or simple things such as keeping your apartment clean.

Jungkook remembers how terrified you were of him finding you in your messy apartment- having had to calm you down for a good hour or so before he could even attempt at helping you clean up and take care of your needs. He's not sure why you're so adamant on hiding it from the rest of the pack- but he's got an idea.

Dog hybrids with your condition are alienated, isolated, judged terribly. And you're probably terrified of being cast out of the pack for it, leaving you alone and without anybody.

Your personal nightmare.

So he just instead has decided to take care of you, and wait until you feel ready to tell someone else. You deserve happiness and the feeling of safety and comfort, but he can also understand that you're worried of how it'll be taken by the rest of the guys.

And yeah, he also gets to be a little selfish himself when he's got time with you like this. He gets to live out a little dream here and there, where you're actually his to love. Because he does love you, to the moon and back- and he knows his heart will surely break a little one day when you find someone to give your own heart to, instead of him.

So he takes these moments for himself, and enjoys those daydreams for now, until he has to wake up.

"There we go, that's already better isn't it?" Jungkook hums after he'd taken out your hairtie, fingers massaging the spot where it had been pressing against your scalp for the past few hours. You hum in agreement, nodding against his shoulder while you move a bit to get comfortable on his thighs.

You don't even know that you almost exposed your secret to Yoongi of all people- the one wolf of the pack you've got a crush on.

Everyone kind of knows it, everyone also knows about his crush on you as well- though you seem rather talented in finding excuse after excuse as to why that can't be true. Jungkook knows your main fear is what you're right now- and that Yoongi could find you appalling, or childish, or anything else negative that could come to your mind.

And Jungkook can't say he doesn't understand your fear- because he does.

"You're gonna get all stiff if you nap like that." Jungkook chuckles, patting your back a little, making your curled tail wag happily. "Don't be a brat now. Come on, we'll take a nap on the couch, yeah?" He hums. You whine. "No? Not a nap?" He wonders, but you nod now. "Okay, yes to a nap, no to the couch?" He navigates, laughing when you nod now, tail wagging. "Puppy if we nap in bed you'll sleep for hours though." He sighs.

But you simply wiggle out of his lap, before you run to the bedroom-

The wolf hot on your heels, when your doorbell rings.

When Jungkook opens the door, it's Yoongi- the producer holding up a jacket. "She left it at the dorm." He informs Jungkook, who reaches out to take it- though Yoongi holds it back. "I'd like to give it to her myself-"

"You can't." The younger wolf denies, panicking a little when he hears something jingle, and feels the toy hit his back softly, fabric ball tumbling to the ground, bell inside the cotton filling the cause of the noise. Jungkook closes the door a bit more now to keep you out of sight. "Just- uh, she'll grab it tomorrow-"

"Her phone and purse are in the pockets." Yoongi says. "I'm sure she'd like it back right now." He challenges, and Jungkook can feel himself squirm uncomfortably under the strong gaze of his packmate, having to avert his gaze. "What's really going on?" Yoongi asks, as the toy hits Jungkook's back again.

"Look, this is really bad timing right now-" Jungkook whines as he kicks the toy back with his food go occupy you at least for just a second to give himself more time to think of an excuse. "-She's.. not feeling well right now." He tries to justify.

"Jungkook you're not being very convincing right now." Yoongi sighs. "What the fuck is going on? Does she hate me?"

"NO!" Jungkook barks, before he pinches the bridge of his nose. "Ah.. God, fuck, alright." He sighs, defeated, letting the door slowly open more, while he turns around to throw the soft fabric ball towards where you sit on the floor, toy flying over your head, making you flop onto your back as you try to catch it.

You don't even realize it's Yoongi who's now in the doorway whole Jungkook sits in front of you to start a game of tug-of-war with the soft llushy toy with you, successfully pulling your attention away from the producer who just silently enters the apartment, and closes the door behind him before he hangs up your coat.

It takes him one good look to realize what's going on.

The hazy look in your eyes. The way you don't even greet him, rather occupied with the game Jungkook plays with you. Your almost clumsy way of movement.

"So that's the secret?" Yoongi hums as he sits down near his packmate, watching you with an unreadable expression.

Jungkook nods. "She's scared of anyone finding out." He reveals, while he watches you now nibbling on his finger instead of the toy, before you yawn.

"Why?" Yoongi wonders. "It's not like it's her fault or choice." He mumbles.

"Yeah, I know." Jungkook shrugs. "But I get it, you know? You hear horror stories about it all the time. Friends and family being weirded out and stuff." He explains, and Yoongi grows quiet.

It really is understandable.

"So that's why you sleep over so much?" He asks, and the younger wolf nods.

"She used to be triggered easily since she didn't have a person to rely on." He explains. "But when I took on that.. role, I guess, she became more stable. It doesn't happen so randomly anymore, she's got more control over it. Today was just a bad day I guess." He shrugs.

"She must be tough to handle." Yoongi mumbles.

"Not really." Jungkook denies. "She's very sweet. The beginning was hard, yeah, but mostly because I didn't know what to do. These days it's become easier." He nods to himself, though Yoongi doesn't miss the look on his friend's face.

"You love her." He states.

And Jungkook only nods.

"I do." He agrees. "It's hard not to."

Yoongi hums in agreement, and Jungkook wants to be swallowed by the ground. Now that the producer knows, he'll take over the care of you- you'll grow closer, emotionally and physically, and you'll no longer need Jungkook to care for you.

His dream is ending, and he hates it.

"She loves you too." Yoongi offers. Jungkook laughs a little.

"Situationally, yeah." He nods.

"No, in general." Yoongi argues, but he can't seem to push through the thoughts of Jungkooks mind, the wolf having already decided his stance on things. "Jungkook.."

"You'll take good care of her, right?" He asks, looking at his packmate with round eyes that try hard not to let any tears fall. "You'll make sure she doesn't have to.. feel ashamed, or bad, right?"

"I'm not taking her away from you." Yoongi shakes his head, and Jungkook nods.

"I know you're not." He says, trying hard to keep it together even as you crawl into his lap to comfort him, sensing his distress.

"She was never mine to begin with."

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You're absolutely mortified when you're informed of what happened- or rather when you connected the dots yourself, after waking from your nap with both wolves next to you in bed.

One look exchanged with Jungkook signals to him that you've pulled yourself out of your headspace- body shaking now with the overwhelming sense of shame you're feeling as Yoongi sits up now as well to look at you with a sense of worry.

"Hey, it's fine." Jungkook reassures easily. "He doesn't hate you or anything, he's cool with it."

"Oh god this is so weird.." you hide your face in your hands, embarrassed by the events unfolding like this.

"Its not. It makes sense, really." Yoongi shrugs. "So this is why you don't want to move into the pack dorm with us?" He wonders, and you nod.

"Its weird. You can say that, I know myself that it is." You sigh.

"You're not weird." Jungkook shakes his head, taking your hand to reassure you. "Promise."

"I agree. This isn't weird, it's something that happens to some." He shrugs. "I still like you." He says without thinking, as you slowly look at him.

"You.. do?" You wonder, and he nods.

"Very much." He smiles a bit awkwardly, when Jungkook let's go of your hand, clearing his throat.

"I'll.. I'll see myself out then." He mumbles, and at that your head snaps towards him.

No- he can't leave like that. Yoongi might've..somewhat confessed, but you still need him. You still want him here.

Wait.

If Yoongi likes you, and toy like him back, and that leads to you Noth becoming partners, that's great. But if that means you can't have Jungkook, you don't want it. You need jungkook.

You love jungkook, too.

"Hey, Yoongi will stay with you, you're not alone anymore-" He tries to settle your clearly bubbling panic, but its to no avail. Your head is filled with the fact that Jungkook wants to leave, and you don't want that.

You want both. Why can't they both stay?

Your cheeks are wet with tears as your puppy-mind refuses to accept the situation. You've slipped right back again, as you make jungkook hold yoongis hand, before you yourself hold onto them, stubbornly holding onto their connected hands, before you lay down on them, eyes closed and ears pinned back.

"I uh.." Jungkook stampers a big awkwardly, attempt at pulling his hand away responded to with a low growl from you, eyes glaring.

"Seems like we'll have to share." Yoongi teases surprisingly, catching the younger wolf off guard as hemeeys the older one's gaze.

"I mean- uh-" he stammers, unsure. "Is that.. will that even work out?" He worries, while you happily fall asleep hiding both their hands.

"Guess we'll have to find out." Yoongi shrugs, laying down again next to you, Jungkook slowly doing the same a few seconds later.

Looks like his dream didn't end after all-

Maybe it just begun.

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[netbug009]

okay lemme shut up about shipping and theories and whatnot and just talk about how mental health was handled in this episode in general for a bit because it's taken me this long to process it into words

Spoilers for TADC 4, discussions of mental health issues including masking, emotional personality disorders, and suicide ideation

So like... Personal info: I have autism, depression, and anxiety on paper with PTSD penciled in and still being sorted out. I used to be diagnosed with bipolar disorder, but at this point I'm not - we're not sure if the mood swings are just all of the above forming a weird gloopy mess or possibly something else? I'm finally getting through the waitlist for a proper behavioral health specialist in January after waiting for AGES so I'll hopefully have more answers soon, but that's who I am and where I'm at for anybody curious.

Point is, I felt REALLY deeply seen by this episode. I've been that person "masking" at work and in other social situations. I've been that person told I'm annoying when I'm happy. I have a deep understanding of bipolar disorder whether I have it or not because I learned about it for years. I knew this one was going to hit me personally from what we knew before it dropped but holy SHIT. There's a few nuances in particular here that really got to me and I don't usually see handled this way in fiction, probably because they're a bit more depressing and less universal than handling it in a way that feels more decisive, and executives at big studios aren't crazy about either of those things.

The big one for me was how Pomni handled the situation.

Pomni is a kind person. As she's previously stated, she doesn't want anybody to feel like they're nothing, so she's willing to help, but... she's also tired. She's got her own things going on. Before letting Gangle be the third person in as many episodes to lean on her, she checks in to see if Gangle has someone closer she can talk to.

Pomni isn't a perfect, Godlike hero - she has her limits, and she puts up a soft boundary for herself of asking Gangle if someone else can take the load. She's clearly ready to listen if that's not possible, but she does the fair thing to try and put her own oxygen mask on first.

That nuance really got me and sort of ties into the overarching way this episode handled the whole ordeal: Nobody is at fault for how this episode went, or how the adventure ultimately ended, and nobody blames themselves for it.

Pomni isn't treated like her efforts to help "weren't enough" but also doesn't get shouldered with the credit for "saving" Gangle - that's not how mental illness works. While being kind to others can have a major positive impact, it's not fair for people left behind when someone passes due to suicide or suicidally reckless behavior like manic episodes often include to blame themselves for "not doing enough."

Likewise, Zooble doesn't blame themselves for Gangle's misery, simple acknowledging that their idea didn't work and that they'd help their friend keep trying.

Even CAINE isn't really an antagonist in this one. In fact, he's the LEAST antagonistic he's ever been, choosing an adventure from the group's suggestions and actively trying to support their ideas. He literally did nothing wrong in this one beyond maybe being a bit insensitive in places.

There's just something really... refreshing and unexpected about that to me. I'm not saying it's bad for shows to actively address these issues by talking through them less subtly, but there's something about how casually this episode handles it. Nobody is the bad guy. Nobody actively makes a choice to harm Gangle, except maybe Jax with a rude comment because he's Jax - not even Gangle herself.

Mental illness just be like that sometimes.

[skeletonpunching]

Buddy Daddies interview with Toyonaga Toshiyuki, Uchiyama Koki, and Kino Hina

Interview with Toyonaga Toshiyuki, Uchiyama Koki, and Kino Hina (voice actors for Kurusu Kazuki, Suwa Rei, and Unasaka Miri)

[Translator's note: This interview contains spoilers for the entire series.]

Interviewer: In the final arc of "Buddy Daddies", some disturbing developments unfold in the lives of Kurusu Kazuki, Suwa Rei, and Unasaka Miri. How did that make you feel?

Kino: Kazuki, Rei, and Miri seemed to have become a real family, but once Miri's mother reappeared, I wondered just how things would progress towards the climax. Since it's an original series, I really was going ahead with zero idea of what was in store. I hoped no one would die, but in the end, Miri's mother did, and Kazuki and Rei took Miri in - that was a bit of a surprise. I was imagining all sorts of things, like, "I wonder if Rei's going to die..."

Uchiyama: Huh? Really?! (laughs)

Toyonaga: Even in the recording studio, we were chatting about "is someone gonna die..."

Kino: My father was also one of the viewers, and as he watched Rei's speedy evolution, he said, "I sure hope he doesn't die." (laughs)

Uchiyama: Come to think of it, him shouting, "Go for it!" at sports day really feels like a death flag.

Toyonaga: When it comes down to it, Miri-chan is in the most tragic situation of all - she's gone through the disaster of losing both her real parents. It's just Miri-chan's age that keeps her from fully understanding her circumstances; when we were recording live, I kept thinking that this must be so tough for Kino-san, who understands everything, but instead has to keep up that pure innocence the whole time.

Kino: The storyline and character backgrounds are rather dark, so I figured surely Miri would be heartbroken and burst into tears, sometime in the final arc. But there was no scene like that, all the way to the very end. Her only crying scenes were when she was throwing tantrums, so throughout the whole series, she stands out being as a girl with a bright smile. But I feel like the reason why Miri can stay ignorant of all this is because Kazuki-papa and Rei-papa take such good care of her. So I also tried to play the role without letting any stray thoughts get into my head.

Toyonaga: Her papas might have stayed a "comedian" and an "oil baron" until the very end. (laughs)

Interviewer: Kazuki and Rei's feelings towards Miri also underwent major changes, compared to how they started out.

Toyonaga: The entire plot was structured around the idea that the assassin job would hinder them in being parents; eventually, as a result of them being subordinates to the organisation, their ties - to Rei's father and so on - would get in the way. If so, what decision would the two of them make regarding Miri-chan? That was how things played out. And they did exchange blows with Ogino (Ryo) after all. In episode 10, they thought, "We can't change," and temporarily decided to return Miri to her mother - but in episode 11, both of them were incredibly hung up on this, and they ultimately couldn't let go. I think that's just how indispensable Miri-chan's presence had become to Kazuki and Rei, over the course of those 11 episodes.

Uchiyama: In the episode 10 ferris wheel scene, Rei expresses some lingering reluctance, with a melancholy look we've never seen from him before. That's where you can really see his emotional development. Another striking moment is in episode 11, where Rei confirms that Miri is unhurt, and brings up wanting to adopt her. It's quite a bold change for Rei to say something like that, even though Kazuki is saying it'd be better to step aside. He's voicing his feelings, in the longest lines of dialogue he's ever had, in order to change Kazuki's mind; it really has such a climactic feeling to it. I was wondering exactly how I myself should play this, in order to sway Kazuki emotionally.

Toyonaga: You really never talked so much before episode 11.

Uchiyama: In episode 12, there's also a scene where he's giving his father a long speech; when I saw the script, I went, "That's a lot..."

Toyonaga: Yeah, that was me all the time, up to episode 10. (laughs)

Uchiyama: Sorry! (laughs) Anyway, Rei's dialogue increases drastically in the second half of the show, and he displays a side you haven't seen at all in the first half. It leaves quite an impact.  

Toyonaga: The fact that he can say so much to his father - that's new too.

Interviewer: After all that, in the final episode, we're shown how the trio's future plays out. 

Uchiyama: That was a real surprise. If Miri's a high school student now, that means about ten years have passed. I was totally in the dark about that ending until I saw the script. I incorporated quite an adult tone into my voice whenever I was voicing Rei, so I thought, "If you're going to jump ahead into the future, give me a heads-up first!" (laughs) He's a dark character who's lived as an assassin this whole time, so I was already pulling out all the stops to make him as adult as I could manage. "I can't make him any older than this!" I thought.

Toyonaga: I was right next to him in the studio, and he told me, "No, I can't go any lower than this." (laughs)

Uchiyama: Actually, they didn't ask for any major changes. They weren't going for a simplistic sense of ageing - they just wanted him to seem like he'd matured somewhat emotionally. I appreciated that. Kazuki is 39 years old, I think. 

Toyonaga: Yeah, he grew a beard and all.

Uchiyama: And Rei being 36 was a shock.

Toyonaga: Likewise, rather than "Kazuki's gotten older", it was more like we should simply be aware of the passage of time. And when you think about it rationally, the 39-year-old Kazuki is around the same age as me now. I turn 39 this year. So I thought it'd be nice if I could portray a certain age-appropriate composure. Kino-san, I bet you were even more surprised?

Kino: That's right. When I received the script for episode 12, there was a drawing of a grown-up Miri on the back cover, and it gave me such a shock. Then I checked the footage and saw that she really had grown up; I was so taken aback! I usually play a lot of little kids, so I went into the studio thinking, "Will this really work out?" During rehearsals, I was keeping her age increase in mind, so I tried to give a pretty subdued performance. But I was told that the bubbliness was "very Miri", and it would be best to keep that. So I course-corrected for the actual performance. I think Miri's total emotional stability must be the result of Kazuki and Rei's trial-and-error parenting, and that's why all of them were able to find their happy ending. You can sense that they've become a real family.

Toyonaga: I once asked Director Asai, just in passing, how it would all turn out in the end. He said something like, "For a story like this, a tragic ending is also a real possibility..." So I was also on tenterhooks, wondering if they'd all die. I think the director fretted over it a lot too, but in the end, shouldering their various burdens, they moved forward together and became a family. I feel like it's an incredibly heartwarming ending, don't you?

Interviewer: Now that Miri is a high school girl, what will happen if she gets a sweetheart...?

Toyonaga: I think it'll be really tough to win Kazuki and Rei over.

Kino: I agree. In Kazuki's fantasy scenes, he said something like, "I'll kill you!"

Uchiyama: Right, he had fantasies of the future too.

Kino: There were scenes of Miri as a gyaru. And some predictions of a future with Taiga-kun.

Toyonaga: I wonder how Taiga-kun's doing in the future. Are they still in touch?

Kino: If so, Taiga-kun might be in danger. (laugh)

Interviewer: Looking back at all twelve episodes, which scenes or incidents left the strongest impression on you?

Uchiyama: Miri sang a lot. At the beginning of that episode, and at the end too.

Kino: She did. I practised once I got the scripts, but for her mother’s song, I received a demo song beforehand. Since Miri's mother was a singer, Miri loves singing; that's part of the whole setup, which was rather nervewracking. As for the kids' TV programme, I listened to the music through headphones and sang along on the spot - I went like "aaa-aaa-aaa~ ♪"

Uchiyama: It's not like Miri is in a musical - the songs contain different fluctuating emotions, and the point isn't to just sing them as beautifully as possible. It has to be a more varied portrayal. Also, Kazuki is a great cook, so I remember them eating lots of delicious-looking food.

Toyonaga: But you guys only ever grumbled about it. (laughs)

Kino: There really were quite a few scenes of "Miri hates this!"

Uchiyama: Rei has the same palate as Miri - he can't handle anything too elaborate. As for Miri, the taste of premade meals reminds her of her mother.

Toyonaga: When Rei was helping to make bento, he stuffed gummies in the onigiri.

Uchiyama: But it went over well with the children. All that food content was fun.

Toyonaga: Besides that - basically, Miri-chan's always a cutie.

Uchiyama: The thing about Miri-chan is that she doesn't just have cute or charming faces. There are plenty of "meanie Miri" expressions.

Kino: There really are. She seriously has such a rich range of expressions; as we went into the second half of the show, I kept thinking, "Wow, we get to see faces like that too?" It made me feel like my vocal performance had no restrictions either - like, "I can just let myself loose."

Toyonaga: How are you so good at playing a four-year-old?

All: (laugh)

Uchiyama: You make an incredibly realistic four-year-old.

Kino: Really? Thank you!

Toyonaga: Amazing, isn't it? When did you get this good?

Kino: When, huh... There are little kids who are naturally quiet, and there are those, like Miri, who scream "Boring!" and kick up a fuss. But starting from the audition, I figured I'd express my emotions innocently, just as they were. I wailed "Aaahh!" so much, things probably got really loud. When I was overdoing it, I was directed to dial it down a bit, and I adjusted accordingly.

Toyonaga: Whenever Miri-chan was happy or excited, she let out this incredibly high-pitched "Aaaahh!" I loved that. Kids really do react just like that.

Kino: Thank you very much. (laughs)

Interviewer: Can you tell us your personal favourite episodes?

Kino: The sports day scenes in episode 9 almost made me cry when I watched them. Kazuki was actually bawling, but it was such an incredibly warm and fluffy episode. I love it.

Uchiyama: Sports day was very exciting.

Toyonaga: It's fluffy and feel-good, but it makes you want to cry.

Kino: Rei cheering for Miri and regretting it afterwards was also very cute.

Uchiyama: It's true that Rei yelling like that totally threw Miri off. As for me, I'll say episode 10. It feels like a turning point in the story, plus it made me want to go to an amusement park. (laughs) There's something very appealing about a place like a ferris wheel. Out of all the various attractions, a ferris wheel feels most like a private room - it's an enclosed space where sound is cut off. I think it's a very special kind of space. After having fun all day, deep conversations can naturally arise within that sort of atmosphere. It was the perfect match for those story developments. You can really feel the misery of the final arc setting in; it's very memorable.

Toyonaga: And I'll go with episodes 7 and 8, which are standout episodes for Kazuki and Rei respectively. In episode 7, Kazuki talks to (Izumi) Karin-chan, his late wife's younger sister, and I kept all that incredible dramatic weight in mind when playing that scene. Approaching that material was a real challenge to me as an actor, so in that sense, it left an impression on me. And as for episode 8, when Rei is interacting with the boss of the organisation, you can really see the chains he's been shouldering this whole time, and everything that's made Rei the way he is now. Getting to learn about these things was definitely memorable.  

Interviewer: Once again, what do you think is the appeal of "Buddy Daddies"?

Kino: Kazuki, Rei, and Miri all bear their own heavy burdens from their past. Miri is separated from her mother, Rei's father has only ever taught him to live as an assassin, and Kazuki is also shackled by a tragic history. If you look at it that way, it's a dark story, but when the three of them are together, there are so many comical scenes that make you laugh, or upbeat flashy scenes. It's an exquisitely maintained balance, and you really can't get enough of watching it. There are scenes that will warm your heart, and scenes that will make you cry. That wide variety means this show can reach all sorts of people, and I think that's what makes it so wonderful.

Toyonaga: I think that different people who watch this series find different things to connect with emotionally. It can be enjoyed and judged in totally contrasting ways, depending on the viewer's individual experiences, lifestyles, and circumstances. That makes it a very fascinating show. People who are relatively young might relate to Miri-chan, and may project Kazuki and Rei onto their own parents. And that could lead to a lot of diverse opinions and reactions being exchanged - to me, that's one of the most appealing things about this show.

Uchiyama: The atmosphere of the series turns on a dime from comedic to serious, changing between one scene and the next, so you can barrel right through each episode without it ever feeling stale. I find that very enjoyable. And it ends with a timeskip to the future - that came as a real surprise to us too. All in all, the colourful plot twists and unpredictability really set this show apart. There's the unique sense of awe you only get from an original story.

Interviewer: Finally, please give a message to all the fans who have enjoyed "Buddy Daddies".

Kino: Through recording this one-cour story with a total of twelve episodes, I feel like I've gotten a glimpse of the sheer depths of human experience. I'm truly happy I could work on a series like this. As Toyonaga-san also said, it's a show which people can enjoy from many different perspectives, but since I played Miri, there were so many scenes which reminded me of my parents. The delicious cornflakes I ate as a child, being cheered on at sports day - all sorts of memories came back to me. I really hope this show also reawakened some warm memories for everyone in the audience. Thank you so much for watching to the very end.

Uchiyama: "Buddy Daddies" is an original series, so in a sense, it has plenty of blank spaces left. Kazuki and Rei's pasts, the details of the organisation, Kyu-chan's (Kugi Kyutaro's) private life... there are still some things we don't know. Also, what happened in the missing years during the finale's sudden timeskip? What sort of conversations took place as Miri was growing up? How did they end up at the diner? I think it's a lot of fun to fill in those gaps with your imagination. The anime is over, but I hope you will continue to enjoy yourselves in those blank spaces. Thank you very much for watching every episode.

Toyonaga: To everyone who watched all twelve episodes, thank you from the bottom of my heart. "Buddy Daddies" presented me, the actor Toyonaga Toshiyuki, with so many opportunities to challenge myself, and it really has been a delight. I'm also a father of one - I'm raising a daughter around Miri's age. Through playing this role and mapping it on to my own circumstances, I've learnt a lot in this one cour - both as an actor, and as father to a child. The series ended in an incredibly beautiful way, so rather than a sequel, I feel like it would lend itself well to occasional standalone spinoff episodes. I also look forward to being able to meet Kazuki, Rei, and Miri-chan again, and in the meantime, I will do my best as a real papa. Thank you so much.

[yohmye]

So per the usual I am back on the tumblr app for iOS upon being met with intense distress of the coming of age kind. I’ve applied to grad school and gotten into grad school and definitely know I need to go o grad school (now or never or I’ll literally never go). It’s come down between UC Berkeley and my Alma mater and I have to give the Berkeley people a response tomorrow (today). At first I was very conflicted because I still haven’t heard back from my top choice and I didn’t want to make any decisions without knowing all of my options. But now that’s neither here nor there. Right now I honestly think that the program at my old school is the better option for my career and more in line with what I hope to do in the future. I’m still sussing it out because it is partially a journalism degree but if my understanding of the program is correct then it’s correct for me. I’d very much love to accept the berkeley people’s offer as I sometimes truly desperately feel like I need a change in the form of moving to an entirely different state but I’m not sure if I can let my self do that for probably 60k debt and also a program that isn’t hugely relevant to what I want to do in the future. I like the Columbia program but I’m also not like thrilled of having been there done that same campus but worse bc I’ll be living with my parents. And I feel like a lot of my attraction to Berkeley is fueled by my insecurities around aging and my comfort zone like it feels very much like oh I know I’d rather stay inside tonight but having fomo about a party I don’t really want to go to but feel like I need to go to help not be so sheltered like to fix my being sheltered. And then I’m partially like well yeah I feel insecure but isn’t that like a valid biological response? Like when you’re sad that’s telling you that you need to take action on something and maybe my insecurity is telling me that I should take action and stop being a comfort zone freak but I’d only entertain that if the shit at Berkeley was shit I’d actually wanna do. Like I went there to visit last Friday and it was like mad industrial shit and physical prototyping and idk like it could be fun but I remember very saliently being like oh yeah this is a chop maybe. And like I had fun in the morning but the rest of the day the vibes were just kinda low and I felt weird and out of it idk like it feels like I’m bullying myself into doing something that isn’t really right for me only because I feel like I need to. And I can understand taking a risk but shit for a program I don’t even like like that? Just to live in Cali and take studio courses? Maybe if I wasn’t going into mad debt then sure but I mean jeez. Like again part of me feels like I’m making excuses for staying inside my comfort zone but then I’m like no I know that I’d go if it wasn’t just so much shit that wasn’t really working for me. Like shit I’d pop out if they were giving out full rides. Like idk I’m just grieving mad hard for what I would’ve liked to be a profound change in my life but listen I’m sure I’ll get to experience Cali or other places without having major fucking debt so for now I’ll grieve or idk maybe some weird shit happens when I wake up tomorrow morning gnnnnnn

[motownfiction]

first day

On her first day of her junior year at Central, Steph is very nearly late for her Eighteenth-Century Art class. She’s not surprised. When she has a class like her painting studio, she shows up at least twenty minutes early, just to get set up. But when she has to take another Art History class, she tends to drag her feet, just a little bit. All that memorization gets pretty heavy.

But that’s not the reason she’s almost late today. She’s almost late today because on her way to class, she spots a familiar head of bright red hair across the lawn.

“Katie!” she yells out. “Katie Sheehan!”

Sure enough, that’s who it is. Katie pauses for a second, waiting for Steph to run across the way and catch up with her. Steph’s not sure why she’s running so fast. Maybe because it’s always nice to see somebody from home. When you live just far enough away, sometimes even the smallest, strangest dose of familiarity will do you a lot of good. That’s probably why Steph sometimes sleeps with Katie’s brother Kevin when he comes over from State.

Not that Katie needs any more reminding of that.

“Oh,” Katie says. “Hey, Steph.”

“Yeah, hey,” Steph says. “Small world, isn’t it?”

“The smallest.”

“I, uh, I knew you were coming to school here this year, but I guess I didn’t figure it would only take me a day to find you. How’re you settling in?”

Katie shrugs. Steph notices how the sunlight catches in her hair. It’s pretty. Almost pretty enough to be distracting. Or maybe it just is distracting. Steph swallows hard, like that will help.

Not Katie, she thinks to herself. Not Kevin’s sister. She’s just a freshman.

But does that even matter anymore? They’re adults. Steph still can’t drink without a good friend or a fake ID. She only just had her twentieth birthday last month. Sometimes, she and Katie are only a year apart in age. And when she was a freshman, she …

She blinks a few times in quick succession.

This is not a conversation.

This is not a consideration.

She doesn’t even know if Katie likes girls. There were rumors at St. Catherine’s that she might, but there were rumors about St. Catherine’s about a lot of things.

Hell, Steph doesn’t even know if she likes girls. Jill might have been a fluke. And maybe so was Heidi, the blue-haired girl from her ceramics class. Maybe they know they like girls, but Steph just knew she was brokenhearted. Right? Isn’t that right?

“I’m doing OK,” Katie says (after Steph did enough worrying to forget what question she asked in the first place). “I’ve been here for almost two weeks already. Trying to figure out if I like my roommate. You know how it goes.”

Steph nods, but on the inside, she’s remembering the way it felt when Jill asked if she could kiss her for the first time … the way she could still feel her heart breaking for Sam, but how saying yes to Jill’s question felt like something of its own, something Steph would have wanted even if there had never been any Sam Doyle at all. She swallows again. It still doesn’t help.

“Right,” Steph says. “What classes do you have today?”

“Um, I have an Art History class, actually,” Katie says. “Just an intro class. Are you still majoring in art?”

“I am. I actually have an Art History class I’m headed to right now, too. Lots of memorization.”

“That’s what Kevin told me. But he said he liked his class at State, so I’m giving it a try. No idea what I want to study. Might as well look at paintings and drawings while I still can.”

Steph grins.

“You never run out of time to look at paintings and drawings,” she says. “You just make the time. Maybe one day soon I’ll even help you.”

Katie smiles, but Steph feels like she can’t breathe. Did she just ask Katie Sheehan out on a date? Little Katie Sheehan, who bought her picnic basket during the Class of ‘85’s annual fundraiser so that she could try her strawberry cheesecake? Was she little Katie Sheehan then? Was she ever? Why is Steph thinking about her this way? Why is Steph thinking about this at all?

“Yeah,” Katie says, like she didn’t hear anything strange at all (like maybe there was never anything strange to begin with). “That could be a lot of fun.”

Steph clears her throat.

“Right,” she says. “Well, I … I don’t want to make you late.”

“Oh, yeah,” Katie says. “I don’t want to make you late, either.”

“Yeah. So, let’s, uh … let’s be on time.”

“Good idea. It was, um, really nice to see you. Steph.”

Steph smiles so much it actually starts to hurt her face. The thing of it is that absolutely no part of it is fake.

“You, too,” she says. “Katie.”

The look on Katie’s face as she walks the other way is enough to carry Steph all the way to her seat in her next class. She keeps it a secret, even after Anita finds her and asks her about it.

This one feels like it should be different, Steph thinks. Like it should be just for her.

[violetren]

I started and finished this show in one afternoon and I am going absolutely feral over it.

First of all it is AWESOME and getting full text romantic love between two female leads that other characters see and recognise and support instead of having them hiding in the princesses villa like it's a special thing just for them that would have them otherwise shunned was so far beyond my expectations I'm dizzy.

It did have one wild moment of cognitive dissonance where literally right after we got a fade to black on Euphie pinning Anise down of the bed to go in for another kiss we got a scene with the king saying "Anise as Euphie's new older sister you have to look out for her" that slammed me right back into the fact that as much as things have progressed this is still an anime and the industry has a reputation. Like guys, buddy's, friendos, just fucking marry them, or declare them engaged. Euphie is literally becoming queen to tear down an age of tradition and the monarchy along with it. The nobility is gonna be crying pissing and shitting themselves over the changes anyways, might as well throw out the "royals have a responsibility to produce more royals" tradition with a gay marriage to mark the occassion.

But the thing that has me going well and truly feral is that if the show was this good at twelve episodes how much better could it have been with 24, or 50?

I'm not saying it has the material to be as long as something like My Hero Academia but I reckon it could have comfortably had a run as long as something like Death Note or even Code Geass.

These fuckers cover story lines that would have been covered across 5 episodes at a bare minimum in a rush in older series in one episode a piece and somehow still made a decent product because as much as they distilled everything down to the absolute tiniest margin of spacetime and used every god damn shortcut for conveying or glossing whatever information they could, they managed to make a compelling web of relationships.

Technically they aren't covering 1 arc in an episode it's that they set up ALL of their arcs and have them ALL in motion basically from moment one and then just resolve each one just before it can tangle up the possibility of resolving the next. Which means we get episodes devoted to burning through and resolving the vast majority of each arc in quick succession. And it works but fuck if it doesn't say some very depressing things about the culture we've built about churning out constant and fresh content as quickly as possible.

The folks that made this very clearly loved the story or at the very least really really wanted to flex their story telling abilities to have managed to make the condensed concurrently developing arc thing work THIS well, because a lot of shows just don't.

Even then though twelve episodes is SO few for how much this story has to offer and the dramatic emotional reactions required to carry that pacing do at times edge past "oh well it's anime" and right into "everyone in this show is having a manic episode for plot convenience."

The emotions make sense when you look at the info and context being presented to you but sometimes it feels like they change before you actually get the time to process the info being given to you so it's only after the characters have cycled through like the 5 stages of grief or whatever that you get a chance to puzzle through what the fuck just happened and go "yeah ok, that's an unhealthy but convincingly human reaction to what the fuck is happening here."

This show feels like it has done things to rewire my brain but also like it's totally possible I will have no memory of it a week from now because it was built to be consumed quickly and leave space for whatever morsel the studio pumps out next.

Anise and Euphie be cute AF though.

Watching The Magical Revolution of the Reincarnated Princess and the Genius Young Lady and the whole vibe is Anise fell first but Euphie fell harder.

Also it goes from 0 to 60 so fucking quickly, like I get that they had to fit a lot into a 12 episode show but damn bro.

[makingqueerhistory]

it's transmisogynist of you to assume you can say something is or isn't "TERF rhetoric" when neither of you are transfem.

come at the problem from a different angle

Since the beginning of this project, I have made a point not to discuss my own life in depth. You have no way of knowing my gender, whether I am cisgender, transgender, genderfluid, or nonbinary. You also know almost nothing about the gender of Dean, the editor of this project. This assumption that both of us are cisgender is not harmless.

Remember Becky Abertalli? She is the author of Simon VS. The Homo sapiens Agenda, well I want to quote something she wrote:

"Having your book adapted to a film brings a lot of notoriety and attention, especially online, and it’s not always the fun kind. Unsurprisingly, there was quite a bit of discourse about my identity — how could there not be? Love, Simon was the first gay teen rom com to be released widely by a major film studio, and it was based on a book written by an allocishet woman. Yes, the film’s director was openly gay. No, not everyone cared (frankly, a lot of people still don’t know Love, Simon was based on a book). But in many online spaces, my straightness was a springboard for some — legitimately important — conversations about representation, authenticity, and ownership of stories. And for some people, my straightness was enough to boycott the film entirely.

Then Leah on the Offbeat came out about a month later, and the discourse exploded all over again. There were thinkpieces based on the premise that I, a straight woman, clearly knew nothing about being a bi girl. There were tweets and threads and blog posts, and just about every single one I came across mentioned my straightness. And when Leah debuted on the NYT list, authors I admired and respected tweeted their disappointment that this “first” had been taken by a straight woman. Of course, Leah wasn’t the first f/f YA book to hit the New York Times list. And maybe people were wrong about the other stuff too. But the attention and scrutiny were so overwhelming, and it all hurt so badly, I slammed the lid down on that box and forgot I’d ever cracked it open.

At least I didn’t remember I remembered.

I deleted the sexuality labels from my website. I declined to answer certain questions in interviews. I’d get quietly, passionately indignant when people made assumptions about other authors’ gender identities and sexualities. And I’d feel uncomfortable, anxious, almost sick with nerves every time they discussed mine.

And holy shit, did people discuss. To me, it felt like there was never a break in the discourse, and it was often searingly personal. I was frequently mentioned by name, held up again and again as the quintessential example of allocishet inauthenticity. I was a straight woman writing shitty queer books for the straights, profiting off of communities I had no connection to.

Because the thing is, I called myself straight in a bunch of early interviews.

But labels change sometimes. That’s what everyone always says, right? It’s okay if you’re not out. It’s okay if you’re not ready. It’s okay if you don’t fully understand your identity yet. There’s no time limit, no age limit, no one right way to be queer.

And yet a whole lot of these very same people seemed to know with absolute certainty that I was allocishet. And the less certain I was, the more emphatically strangers felt the need to declare it. Apparently it was obvious from my writing. Simon’s fine, but it was clearly written by a het. You can just tell. Her books aren’t really for queer people.

You know what’s a mindfuck? Questioning your sexual identity in your thirties when every self-appointed literary expert on Twitter has to share their hot take on the matter. Imagine hundreds of people claiming to know every nuance of your sexuality just from reading your novels. Imagine trying to make space for your own uncertainty. Imagine if you had a Greek chorus of internet strangers propping up your imposter syndrome at every stage of the process.

The thing is, I really do believe in the value of critically discussing books, particularly when it comes to issues of representation. And I believe in the vital importance of Ownvoices stories. Most of the identities represented in my books are Ownvoices. But I don’t think we, as a community, have ever given these discussions the care and nuance they deserve.

Consider the origin of the Ownvoices hashtag. It was created in 2015 by author Corinne Duyvis, with the purpose of highlighting stories written by authors who share the same marginalized identities as their characters. But Corinne has always emphasized caution when it comes to using Ownvoices to determine which authors can tell which stories. And she’s been incredibly clear and emphatic about not weaponizing the term to pressure authors to disclose private aspects of their identities.

So why do we keep doing this? Why do we, again and again, cross the line between critiquing books and making assumptions about author identities? How are we so aware of invisible marginalization as a hypothetical concept, but so utterly incapable of making space for it in our community?

Let me be perfectly clear: this isn’t how I wanted to come out. This doesn’t feel good or empowering, or even particularly safe. Honestly, I’m doing this because I’ve been scrutinized, subtweeted, mocked, lectured, and invalidated just about every single day for years, and I’m exhausted. And if you think I’m the only closeted or semi-closeted queer author feeling this pressure, you haven’t been paying attention.

And I’m one of the lucky ones! I’m a financially independent adult. I can’t be disowned. I come from a liberal family, I have an enormous network of queer friends and acquaintances, and my livelihood isn’t even remotely at risk. I’m hugely privileged in more ways than I can count. And this was still brutally hard for me. I can’t even imagine what it’s like for other closeted writers, and how unwelcome they must feel in this community.

Even as I write this, I’m bracing for the inevitable discourse — I could draft the twitter threads myself if I wanted to. But I’d rather just make a few things really clear. First, this isn’t an attempt to neutralize criticism of my books, and you’re certainly entitled to any reactions you might have had to their content. Second, I’m not asking you to validate my decision to write Simon (or What If It’s Us, or mlm books in general).

But if I can ask for something, it’s this: will you sit for a minute with the discomfort of knowing you may have been wrong about me? And if your immediate impulse is to scrutinize my personal life, my marriage, or my romantic history, can you try to check yourself?

Or how about this: can we all be a bit more careful when we engage in queer Ownvoices discourse? Can we remember that our carelessness in these discussions has caused real harm? And that the people we’re hurting rarely have my degree of privilege or industry power? Can we make space for those of us who are still discovering ourselves? Can we be a little more compassionate? Can we make this a little less awful for the next person?"

Hello, I am the next person. I am the author who isn't lucky enough to disclose every single one of their marginalizations on social media, and I deserve better than this.

If you have a problem with any of the points I made, feel free to share that, but you do not get to assign me an identity just so you can attack me for it.

[lilsocksiswriting]

Fandom: Jujitsu Kaisen

Paring: Sukuna X Fem!reader

Summary: Sometimes you just got to cry it out..

Warnings: NSFW, No Beta, minors DNI, my attempt at humor

Tags: College/modern Au, hurt/comfort, soft Sukuna, 

Word Count: 3.2k

Master list

Chapter Two || Chapter Four

Though the hardest part of the day is over, things don’t get easier. The day crawls on with or without you. You skip lunch but not because you barely had time to like this morning but because your stomach was too upset. You feel so sick at yourself, for the person that you’ve been acting like in the past week. But you can make things right. Right? Tomorrow was your last final. After that, you could have time to process everything you’ve been avoiding feeling these past two years. You could also apologize to everyone for the ways that you’ve acted, but would that be enough? Or are you too late?

Work doesn’t help. All the tasks you’re given are minimal. They keep your hands busy and leave your mind to wonder. You can’t stop thinking about Sukuna. The anger in his face when you left him in the elevator. God, you are so stupid. You should have just talked to him then and there. Kill two birds with one stone. Help him from not panicking and give him that apology he deserved for the way that you had treated him mostly based on assumptions you made. But no, instead you just kept being horrible and toying with his emotions!

By the time you get back to your dorm, you’re so tired. When was the last time that you had a good night’s sleep? It wasn’t going to be tonight. Your roommate, bless her heart, is a theater major who has her solo tomorrow as one of her own finals. Apparently, a lot of underclassmen have reserved studio space to practice leaving her nowhere else but the dorm to practice. You just wanted to sleep but it looks like that wasn’t going to happen. You also just wanted to cry about a lot of things but that wasn’t going to happen either. When you transferred here your mom said that it would be too hard on you. You wanted to prove her wrong and that meant staying strong.

You lay in bed staring up at the ceiling. The apartment-style dormitory you called home had individual bedrooms and paper-thin walls. You could hear your roommate as clear as day even over your comfort comedy special playing on Netflix. Fuck, you just wanted this week to be over. You just wanted a good night’s sleep. You just wanted to cry.

But you can’t. You can’t do anything right can you? can’t be a good person. Can’t handle finals. Can’t handle coming to terms with the fact that you have had feelings for a person that you’ve tried so hard to hate. Mabey your mom was right? Mabey this was too hard. Mabey you should buy the next plane ticket and run back home?

Or maybe this was all just because you hadn’t had a good night's sleep in what felt like forever. You check your phone; it was only 9? You bet Yuji’s house was s a lot quieter than then your dorm. His gramps teaches a night class this semester, the late kind that wen until 1030. You had no idea how a man of his age stays up so late. You felt worse for asking this of Yuji, but you are just that desperate to sleep.

Y/N: Hey, again sorry for being MIA and you have every right to say no to me, but can I sleep on your floor tonight? I feel awful from asking this with the way I’ve been the past week but I’m so fucking tired, and my roommate has no other place but our dorm to practice her solo

Yuji's response is almost instant.

YUJI: Sure, pack a bag and come over. Sukuna’s not over

Y/N: Thank you.

The walk forms your dorm to the Itadori’s house was never that long of a walk, 15 minutes at the most since he lives just off-campus. The night was cold and dry. Winter break was really just a few days away. You should have brought something warmer to wear, but what you had in your bag was the only clean clothes you could find.

Yuji texts you as your walk up the driveway.

YUJI: Sorry.

Sorry? What did he mean by that? You can just ask him now that you’re here. Knocking on the front door and seeing who answers you don’t need to ask Yuji what he meant by that text anymore. He was sorry for lying to you because Sukuna is standing on the other side of the front door.

“Oh, hi Sukuna. I- um,” You can’t seem to think of anything else to say. All you can do is just feel small as you stare at Sukuna who has his arms crossed over his chest and that same anger in his eye you last left him with.

A hand shoots out and grabs the collar of your hoodie before you can take a step back. Sukuna then pulls you inside and slams the front door, your escape, shut. He says nothing to you as he drags you into the empty living room. Where the hell was Yuji anyway?

“Drop the bag and sit your ass down,” The sternness in his words leaves no room for disobedience. You do as tell popping your bag by your feet and taking a seat on the couch. Sukuna pulls the coffee table a little close to the said couch and sits so he’s facing you. He’s so close that your knees bump into his.

Sukuna continues to glare at you. This close you can see how the color of his irises is a little redder than Yuji's and speckled with black. Why won’t he say something? Anything? Why won’t he just say how much he hates you and get it over with? Why won’t he just tell you how horrible of a friend you’ve been to his bother and, Nobara and Megumi for ignoring them the whole week then have the gull to ask to sleepover?

Could you handle that? No. Hearing those words from Sukuna would break you. But only on the inside. You think forward, about the after. He would scream at you, pace around the room, punch something maybe. Sukuna would never hurt you. He would just say what he needs to then kick you out. You would get finals over with. You would start your last semester alone just as you had when you first transferred here.

You will not cry in front of Sukuna. You will not break. You would prove your mom wrong.

Sukuna lets out a deep breath through his nose then asks you, “Y/N, what the hell is going on with you?”

Well, that wasn’t what you were expecting. “Wh-what?”

“Don’t ‘wh-what’. Do you have any idea how worried we’ve been?”

“We- “what, everyone was worried? “You all are worried? About me?”

“Yes!” he looks at you like you it was something you couldn’t possibly not know, but this was new to you. You’ve nerve had people outside of your family worry about you. “You don’t just sleep with me then ghost everyone for the next week, let me cum down you though with that most fucking hottest look I’ve ever seen, then show up to my house looking like this! You look like shit, and you won’t tell anyone what’s going on.”

“You-you’re not mad at me?” your head was starting to spin. Things were becoming blurry. You’re you going to pass out?

“No, yes. I’m just mad that you won’t talk - Y/N you’re crying.”

“NoI’mnot.” Panic rises in your chest making you feel flushed.

“Yes, you are.”

Sukuna reaches out and cups your cheek in his hand. Though you feel hot inside your cheeks are cold to the touch after walking here. His hands are warm, and you don’t realize you leaning into it until a thumbs wipe at a tear. No no no. Not here.

“I-I don’t wanna cry.”

“Well, it looks like you are.”

“I’m so sorry.”

“For what?” he cocks his head, “Why the fuck do you keep apologizing.”

Sukuna's face is getting blurry, but you can see all the anger has left. He just looks worried, and he sits in tone matches.

“I- “your breath hitches. “I’m horrible. I’ve been so horrible to you and-and to everyone for not talking to them but especially to you! all these years….” Your voice crakes and trials of.

Sukuna’s hands leave your cheeks. That’s what breaks you. out of this whole week that was the thing to break you? Not the finals? Not the way you feel about yourself? It’s the small warmth of Sukuna leaving your body that makes a shuttering sob rack through your body.

“I-I fucked everything up Sukuna, it’s all my fault and I – I need to say I’m sorry. like genuinely sorry but I am so fucking tired and stressed and that’s not an excuse but-but.”

“Y/N, Y/N, just um, breath? Shit hey.”

Sukuna wasn’t good at this kind of stuff. Crying people wasn’t really his thing. Choso was leagues better at calming people down than he was. But he would try for you. He can’t stand to see you like this. Hunches over hugging yourself like you’re the only person who can console yourself. You don’t look pitiful, just broken. Was this all because of fucking finals? No, you were saying something else, but he can barely understand you through the shaky breaths and sobs.

Sukuna slips on the couch beside you. Choso was really good at calming people down from their nerves, but there was always an air of professionalism because he was still a worker and the person was usually a basic stranger. You are no stranger. He’s had his dick balls deep in you.

It’s easy to pull you into his lap. You tense up, but only for a second before your whole relaxes in his arms. Sukuna clears his throat,” I’m shit as comforting people. But if you need to sit here and cry then do that…Just sob and scream at whatever has made you feel this way. Whatever you go to do. Then we can go from there, ok.”

You’re at a loss for words so you just nod and bury your face in his shoulder. Sukuna smells good, like his bed. He holds your shaking form close. Never once does he say something like ‘shh, shh’, ‘there, there’, or ‘it’s ok. Nothing to downplay your tears or like saying it’s ok would fix everything. And he said he wasn’t good at comforting.

Sukuna racks his nails lightly up and down your back. You can feel your tears seeping through his shirt. He wonders if you’ve been keeping all this bottled up all week. Was this because you two had sex? Was it just finals? What it his feelings for you? He wants to know what’s made you break down like this so he can never let it happen again. But what if It’s him?

He would worry about those things later. Right, he just wants to see you smile again. To have that look in your eye like you are about to take on the world. He wanted to see you back on top of your game then he can worry about the other stuff.

Pulling away from your sobs now just tiny hiccups, you stare at the spot on his sweatshirt, “I got your sweatshirt wet.”

“Oh, how will I ever move on.” His eye roll and tone are too dramatic for your liking.

The glare you give it wasn’t for the spot but for Sukuna. Good, that was a normal look.

“How do you feel?”

“A little better,” you shrug,” Still tired.”

“Alright then let’s get your ass to bed.”

“But- “

“Anything you want to say can come after you don’t look and smell like shit.”

You stand up from Sukuna’s lap feeling light and dizzy. You stagger a bit but don’t fall. Sukuna wouldn’t let that happen anyway. He’s already got his hands on your shoulders.

“Fuck did crying really take that much out of you.”

“it’s probably just because it have n’teaten much today.”

“And what have you eaten today?”

“….” You really didn’t want to answer that.

“Y/N” Sukuna’s stern tone form before is back.

“I think half a pop tart and cum,” You quickly clarify, “You’re cum”

“Well, it’s fucking hope it’s my cum. “

“I- it’s not like I seek out some random Joe to cum in my breakfast everyone morning! I just didn’t want you to assume that it’s, that I….” You trail off. There was no saving yourself for whatever that just was.

“That you go out looking from some random Joe to cum on your breakfast every morning?”

You bury your face back onto his chest only to hide your embarrassment. You can feel the rumbles of laughter in his chest. You let yourself enjoy the warmth and comfort of being in Sukuna’s arms. Let his dying laughter lull you into a sense of ease. Oh wow, you could literally fall asleep standing like this. Was this all you needed to sleep? A good cry in front of the last person you wanted to cry over and the warmth of another body. Nah, Sukuna definitely had a larger part in it. You just couldn’t pinpoint what it was about him.

“Hey,” he says softly drawing your attention back to him.

“Hm?”

“Go on upstairs and take a shower. I’ll make something for you to eat ok. “

You pause. You want to agree because a hot shower and actual food sounds so good, but you feel undeserving of it. Sukuna seems to read your mind because he’s cupping your cheeks again, this time with both hands, looking at you with that soft expression you wanna see every day.

“Let me take care of tonight.”

You agree then with a slight dip of your chin. Sukuna lets his arms fall from you and steps away. You grab your bag off the floor then remember the lack of warm clothing. You had managed to find one clean pair of leggings and a long-sleeved shirt. But that wasn’t going keep you warm tomorrow.

“Hey, Sukuna?”

“Yea?”

“Can I maybe borrow a Hoodie of something?”

A smug smirk stretches across his face already liking the picture of you in one of his hoodie. One with the tattoo parlor’s logo so everyone would know it was his. “Course, you can.”

“Thanks.”

“Now come on, hop to it doll,” he pats your ass. “Off to the shower, you go.

Your cheeks tinge pink,” Sukuna!”

“By the way do you want me to cum on your food? Or do you carry some around in one those little things you carry dressing around it?”

“Sukuna stop!” you demand but you are trying to contain your laughter. This asshole.

“What the hell are you two talking about?”

You two look back to see Wasuke staring with his satchels slung over his shoulder and that Itadori frown. He looks like he just got home from work and walked in on his oldest grandson pushing one of the younger grandson's befriends upstairs going on about sum in salad dressing containers. Then he takes stock of you and concludes, “You look like shit.”

“Hence why I’m trying to get her to go take a shower and eat something, Y/Ns had a rough couple of days,”

“Week,” you correct Sukuna.

“That why you’ve been haunting everyone?”

“I’ve what?”

You hear Sukuna let out a deep sigh, “Ghosting gramps. Y/N’s been ghosting everyone.”

“That’s what I said. They’re the same thing. Didn’t they teach you what a god damn synonym was in school?”

“Me and you are going to have a lengthy and loud debate about that when I get back downstairs but right now, I’m taking care of Y/N.”

You feel your stomach flip. It was an off-handed comment, there wasn’t much tenderness in it. But you liked hearing it, nonetheless. Sukuna taking care of you sounds like something someone who still cares for you would do. Does he still care? Could he after everything that you’ve done?

You let Sukuna push you upstairs. You know where the bathroom is and a hot shower is still so heavenly. The hot water soothes your muscles and clears your head. It was like a break from reality. You aren’t Y/N, a stressed college student who just bawled her eye out to a guy she has feelings for but might have ruined all the chances she’s had to be with him. You’re just a grill in a shower taking her time getting herself clean.

Stepping out of the shower and drying yourself off you pad across the hall to Sukuna’s bedroom wrapped up in a fluffy towel. You hold said towel a little tighter around your body when you find that Sukuna was in his room. He sits on the floor by his bed with a tray that has two bowls of tomato soup, grilled cheese sandwiches cut in half, and two mugs of water. You hold your towel tighter around you as Sukuna just started up at you from your spot on the floor waiting not seeming at all bothered that you are in nothing but a towel.

“Get changed and eat already.”

“But…” He was still staring at you.

“Not like I haven’t seen you naked before.”

“Right,” you nod but still turn away for him to get dressed.

When you turn back around a hoodie hits you on the face. It reeks of Sukuna. Smells like it’s been worn before. The scent of laundry detergent is barely there. You love it and quickly slip in over your head. The whole time Sukuna’s eyes never leave your body even when you aren’t looking. You set yourself down on the floor next to Sukuna and waste no time eating. This was the first full meal you’ve had all day. Mabey the past two days? How the hell had you been surviving on snacks for the past two days?

The full weight of the little sleep you’ve had really hits once you’ve finished your soup. Sukuna can see too, the way your eyes have become droopy and your whole body a little more sluggish. It’s cute. He just wishes it wasn’t because of the past week you’ve had. He feels a ball of anger coil in his gut again, but he doesn’t know who or what to be angry at. You professors? You? himself? He forces all that anger down. He doesn’t want to be angry right now. He just wants to crawl into bed with you and sleep with you in his arms and the rest of the world fucking right off.

“Want me to blow dry your hair or you just wanna pass out now?”, he offers.

“Yes please,” you nod rubbing your eyes. “But I gotta brush my teeth.”

“Then get to it.”

You give. A mock salute, “Yes sir.”

Sukuna follows you back to the bathroom but only to grab the hairdryer. He has you sit between his legs as he runs his fingers through your wet hair and God, it’s so nice. Not just the fingers but the warm heat forms the dryer. Even with the loud whirl from it, you feel yourself dozing off. But before you can do so Sukuna helps you into his bed. There’s something in the back of your mind that wants to argue about this. Tells you that you don’t deserve this, to be sleeping in the same bed, but you are too tired. As soon as you settled, hugged against Sukuna’s chest you’re out.

[randomshyperson]

Can I request a celebrity AU with Elizabeth Olsen and Female Reader? Where R is Vision in the MCU. And like throughout a series of interviews and behind the scenes shots, you can see how the two actually fall in love in real life. And in like the final interview they ask “Are you two dating?” And this time they can finally say yes

Hello darling, how are you? I hope well. This took me a while, and i’m not sure you’re even going to like it. But i hope you do. It was honestly kind of strange to write for Lizzie, i kept mistaken the name as Wanda. Also, i changed your idea a bit, because i could find the right way to write the interviews. But anyway, here it is. Good reading.

Elizabeth Olsen x Reader - Love is outside the screen

Summary: The one where Reader plays Vision in the MCU and she falls in love with her co-worker Elizabeth Olsen.

Warnings: None.

Words:  4.308 words  //// Read on AO3

Marks:  @wandamaximoffpuppy

Part. 2  || Part 3

Eight years ago

Your agent was calling you for the third time, and you thought you should answer before you lost your contract.

Letting out an impatient sigh as you reached for your cell phone, you left it on speaker.

- Hello, Sara. - You say with a slight irony as you relax your body in the water of the jacuzzi again.

- It's not polite to ignore someone who keeps you employed. - she said irritated, making you laugh.

- Sorry, but I told you I was on vacation. - You reminded her. - And what did you keep doing? Oh yes, calling me.

- Don't be so grumpy, woman. - She replied with a light humor in her voice, and you could hear the clatter of keystrokes, suggesting that she was working. - I have an opportunity for you.

You raised your eyebrows in curiosity, but said nothing. And by your silence, Sara kept talking.

- Tell me, have you ever thought about being a superhero?

You let out an incredulous laugh, thinking it was a joke. 

- I'm not going to make any weird latex movies, Sara. - You warn her, and she lets out a laugh.

- Actually, honey, it's Marvel.

You blink in surprise, and then turn to rest your arms on the edge of the jacuzzi and look directly at your cell phone.

- What are you talking about? 

- Ah, caught your interest, huh? - She remarks. - You actors are all the same, one famous name and you fall to your knees.

- Sara...

- No, it's okay. - She giggles. - They want a openly queer actress to play a lesbian heroine, I think. And then they called me.

- Wow, Marvel doing something like that? - You comment. - It sounds like a lie.

Sara giggles.

- It pays well anyway. - She says, and then a notification pops up on the screen. - I just sent you the script. Let me know if I can confirm your audition.

You let out a sigh before saying goodbye and hanging up, grabbing your cell phone to read the script.

It is the scene description of your character's appearance, and there is also a note for the chemistry test. You bite your lips thoughtfully. You were known in the media for roles in international, indie and cult films, mostly lesbian romance. You had a few academy nominations, and had been awarded twice by the critics. Superheroes were not really what you were looking for. But then you remembered how much you missed having a lgbt reference in media like this, and then you are sending a message to your agent confirming your audition.

//-//

Present

You are twiddling your thumbs in your dressing room. It must be the ninth interview in less than two weeks. Letting out a sigh, you stand up, momentarily looking at your appearance in the mirror. The make-up team did a good job, you look well. And then you are walking outside, to the dressing room next to yours. 

You knock on the door, and are soon answered. But Elizabeth doesn't smile when she pulls you inside.

- Hey, Lizzie, what's up? - you ask worriedly as you close the door. The next second she's hugging you tight, and you sigh. - You're anxious, aren't you?

- I feel like my heart is going to burst out of my mouth. - She grumbles and you start stroking her back, trying to calm her down.

- Remember that exercise we practiced, okay? - You ask her tenderly as you move your feet so that you move together toward the sofa in the living room. You break the embrace slowly, to sit Lizzie down on the couch as you kneel in front of her. She looks on the verge of tears, and you place your hands on top of hers. - Breathe with me, okay?

It will take you many minutes to calm her down, but you don't care. And then she smiles, and brings your foreheads together.

- Thank you. - She whispers before kissing you. She walks away too quickly in your opinion, but you can't say anything because the producer is calling you next, announcing that the interview starts in two minutes. You smile at Liz before getting up.

//-//

Seven years ago.

You had just finished filming your last scene in Age of Ultron when your agent called you. Scrolling your finger quickly across the screen, you answered while your cell phone rested on the table in your dressing room, and you kept your hands busy trying to pin up your hair.

- I'm leaving the studio, Sara, what's up? - you told her.

- I wanted to congratulate you on the affair, although I'm surprised it happened so quickly. - She says and you frown in confusion, finishing up with your bun. You pick up your cell phone next.

- What are you talking about?

Sara giggles, and sends you an attachment. You pull your cell phone away from your ear to look at it. It is a photo of you and Elizabeth, your teammate and romantic partner in the franchise, taken the same day you discovered Liz had social anxiety and took her out for coffee with you to take her focus off the celebrity world for a while. The paparazzi managed to capture the exact moment when you kissed her on the cheek in farewell. 

- This is all over the gossip sites as Marvel's mysterious romantic couple. - Your agent commented, and you rubbed your fingers across your forehead in irritation.

- You want me to publicly deny a relationship, is that it? - you ask, walking around the dressing room and gathering your things.

- What? No! This is great for advertising. - she says with slight excitement in her voice. - Especially after the movie comes out! Fans love couples who fall in love behind the screen.

You roll your eyes, switching your cell phone to your ear.

- I'm not going to make a relationship contract if that's what you're thinking! - You say with irritation and can imagine Sara rolling her eyes on the other end of the line.

- Yes, yes, we've been over this, Miss Morally Correct. - She scoffs lightly. - But I really called to talk about the premiere. We have details to discuss.

Sighing, you ask her to wait. Then you finished putting your things away, and grabbed the phone as you walked out the door.

//-//

Six years ago, California

Interviewers can be motherfuckers when they want to be, you thought as you bit the inside of your cheek, trying to keep your face impassive as you watched the woman in front of you list the "missed moments" from the Avengers set. You knew that your agent had talked to the show's staff about the authorized questions, and yet here you were on live television, having to declare whether the timely photos taken on the Avengers set meant that you had a secret relationship with your best friend Elizabeth Olsen.

A slideshow was playing on the screen behind you. There were pictures from the footage, many where you and Liz were laughing together, or having lunch together. There were some where she was sitting on your lap, or vice versa. Your expression softened when you noticed one where she was looking at you adoringly. It was so strange to be an artist sometimes. You smiled politely at the presenter.

- Come on, Ellen, you know how these things are. - You said. - Things are different on camera, Lizzie and I are friends.

The audience let out a chorus of displeasure, and Ellen laughed lightly.

- You know that many of the fans would like this rumor to be true, especially since you two play a couple and you are openly queer. - She says, and you wiggle your fingers in your lap, uncomfortable with where this conversation is going, but you nod in agreement. - Furthermore, you say that the paparazzi cameras are deceiving, but what about the stories you post on your personal networks?

She asks with a chuckle, and then other videos are playing on the screen, and you force yourself to smile and watch.

The vast majority are harmless, and platonic. You spend a lot of time at Liz's house because when she moved in, you were her reference and tour guide, and so you got into the habit of checking up on her. And then you became friends and you spent more time at her house than at yours.There were many videos and pictures on yours and her instagram where you two were tending a garden, playing board games, cooking together, or watching sports.  You bit back a smile as you watched the memories through the images. 

- See?It's hard to believe that this is just platonic. - Ellen insisted again, and the audience laughed.  You tried to cover it up with a smile. - But since you claim to be single, we're going to play a game now. It's called "Who Would You Rather?

The audience applauded and you giggled, straightening your posture in your chair. And then the studio screen had a sign with the name of the game.

- It's very simple, you just have to choose which of the artists you would rather. - She explains, and you blink.

- Rather what?

Ellen lets out a giggle, and you understand, nodding in embarrassment. The audience laughs. The picture changes to two pictures.

- Who would you rather, Scarlett Johansson or Chris Hemsworth?

- Wow, that sounds like a trap. - You comment awkwardly, making the audience laugh. And then you bite your lips. - I think Scarlett.

Ellen gives you a suggestive look, and the audience chuckles, you force yourself to imitate them. The picture changes again.

- Scarlett or Sebastian Stan?

You laugh, smoothing your hair slightly.

- I don't know, I think Seb. - You answer. And then the picture changes again, and you want to run away when the audience gives a chorus of excitement.

- Sebastian Stan or Elizabeth Olsen?

- There it is the trap. - You comment clumsily, causing the audience to bust out laughing. You swallow dryly and look down at your lap before saying. - I'd say Elizabeth Olsen.

You played for a few more minutes, and then the game ended with you choosing Elizabeth at the end, which got the audience cheering and celebrating. When the interview was over, Sara was calling you, and you were massaging your forehead when you answered.

- I thought you said you two weren't dating. - She teased, and you grumbled in irritation. 

- I thought you had discussed these matters with the staff. - You retorted, slightly irritated. - She only asked me about Lizzie and dating the entire interview.

- Honey, you're America's sweet couple. - She sneered. - Ellen wants viewers and will ask the questions that the audience wants to know.

- That's ridiculous. - You said and then sighed. - Why did you call me anyway?

- I have your new shooting location, so get your coats and jackets ready.

//-//

Six years ago, Berlin.

You are laughing at Anthony's imitation of Robert. Sitting in the shared dining hall, you were having a good time over lunch with your other colleagues while you were recording Civil War.

And then you were in scene again, many minutes later, and you found it strange that the nervousness was crossing beyond your character during a specific scene in which you were counteracting with Elizabeth. 

You saw her laughing at a comment your character made, and you should have this expression of surprise and embarrassment, but you didn't even have to act it out. Your cheeks reddened naturally at the image of Liz laughing. And then the director said cut when you were done and you were rushing out to clean up your makeup.

Later that day, after the shoot was over, the team wanted to visit a local pub, and you accepted the invitation, ignoring the previous event, and smiling when Elizabeth touched your arm to get your attention.

- A toast to the Avengers! - shouted the camera crew chief when you were all gathered at the bar, you thought maybe he had had too much to drink, but you joined in the toast. 

You stood next to Lizzie and Chris at a table while sipping a dark drink that might have been craft beer, or something German.

Your cell phone vibrates with a notification and you choke in surprise at the content of the message. Sara had sent you a note from TMZ, stating that your secret romance with Elizabeth Olsen was threatened because you had been seen leaving a coffee shop with Katie McGrath. 

Chris and Lizzie look at you curiously, and you just lay your cell phone down on the table for them to see while you turn the entire glass of beer in your mouth.

- Wow, so your type really is super heroines. - Chris commented with a smile, and you laugh, pushing him away slightly. 

- I swear, I can't be seen talking to any woman that she is automatically my girlfriend. - You say irritated as you put your beer glass back on the table. Your gaze returns to Lizzie, who has picked up your cell phone from the table and is reading the news. Then she hands the phone back to you, and gets a strange look on her face that you can't read very well, but she forces a smile.

- At least you cheated on me with a pretty girl. - she says and you frown in surprise. Chris laughs at the joke, but before you could have any other reaction, the rest of the team is joining you.

//-//

Five years ago, California.

You gave up fighting the questions about your relationship with Elizabeth. They would happen anyway, whether your agent talked to the teams or not, so you just smiled politely when you told people you were just friends and remained truthful in your statements. 

Usually the interviews with Lizzie were easier, because you went into protective mode and your brain was ready to give sharp, snappy answers to keep Elizabeth from being embarrassed. 

So here you were on the Night Show, with one of your favorite interviewers, and your best friend by your side. Jimmy was asking good questions, and he was funny. You hoped he wouldn't ask anything too embarrassing.

After many questions about employment, and worldview, which was refreshing, he finally asked you about the rumors of your secret relationship.

- Girls, you know that the public wants to know. - He began with a smile, and you laughed lightly, exchanging a look with Lizzie. - And actually, we have arguments this time.

- Here we go. - You commented with light irony which made the audience laugh. 

Your latest posts on instagram were visible on the big screen.

- Last Tuesday, both of you posted these stories on your personal accounts. - Jimmy started with excitement. - And it rocked the internet completely, because the location was visible on your instagram, Elizabeth.

Lizzie let out an embarrassed giggle.

- Well, if the public's doubt is whether we were together there, they can confirm it. - She said, and Jimmy let out an excited exclamation. Lizzie waited for the audience to stop their celebratory chorus before speaking again. - But this was a special celebration, since it was my birthday. 

- And I took her on a trip to Mexico. - You completed the story with a slight smile. The audience let out a chorus of happiness and you looked at them in confusion. - Guys, friends do this!

Jimmy and the audience laughed for a moment and then the image came off the screen.

- Come on girls, you're giving us material. - He remarked with a smile. - And you're still going to deny the relationship like you always do, I imagine.

You and Wanda exchange a short chuckle.

- Look, Jimmy, all I have to say is that Lizzie is amazing, she really is. - You saw yourself confessing. - Anyone would be lucky to date this brilliant, spectacular, sweet, fun-loving woman. But that person is not me.

Jimmy lets out an exclamation of sadness along with the audience, but then they applaud your words, and you smile wryly. You risk a glance at Lizzie for a second, and she has slightly flushed cheeks, and looks surprised at your words.

You ignore the nervous feeling at the pit of your stomach, and decide to keep your posture polite as you answer the next questions.

//-//

Four years ago.

You had to kiss Lizzie. And then you shook your head. No, not you. Vision. Your character, Vision, had to kiss Lizzie's character, Wanda Maximoff. And you repeated this like a mantra as you walked from your dressing room to the set.

The day you read this scene, you smiled politely at your agent, and disguised any apparent nervousness. And then you spent the last few weeks pretending that if you didn't think about it, eventually the director would make a change and the scene wouldn't even exist. But here you were, trying to have one last drop of professionalism.

You weren't even recording the scene officially, it was just the rehearsal of lines and marking, and you had sweaty hands. 

As you walked through the studio, the staff smiled and greeted you, and then you spotted Lizzie and ignored the uneven beating of your heart.

- Let's get started girls. - announced Russo as soon as he caught sight of you. He signaled for you to follow the team's prearranged schedule. You smiled at Lizzie as you took your place. - We can test the order of the scene directly. I need to know which angle is best to have Vision ask Wanda to stay with her.

And then you started recording. And now you were Vision. There was no time to think about how naturally your hand fit into Lizzie's, or how good it felt to feel her hugging you. And then Russo shouted cut again.

- That's pretty good. - He commented, looking at the monitor. - Let's shoot the stone scene okay, then the action scene.

The scene started, and you said your lines the way you were supposed to. And then you were looking at Lizzie, and she kissed you as the script said. You held the sigh in your throat, and pulled away. Vision doesn't sigh, so you shouldn't either. And then you are smiling as written, and the director closes the scene again.

You were getting pretty good at hiding how affected you are by Lizzie the more you kiss her onstage. And then you wrap up the day's shooting, and you are mentally exhausted. You want to sleep in your dressing room, but you decide to go home.

And as you are walking back to your car, Lizzie calls out to you.

- Hey, partner. - She greets me by walking beside you. - Don't you want to go for a drink tonight?

You let out a sigh, ignoring the urge to shout that you would go anywhere with her, and thinking about how tired your body is.

- I'm exhausted, Lizzie. - You tell her, and she looks upset, but you add with a smile. - But I'll take it if it's something at your place.

Lizzie's face lights up quickly, and she nods, and then says she'll leave something in her car. She returns when you are already in yours.

- All set? - You ask to confirm, and she smiles and nods. And then you start the car and drive out of the studio.

Lizzie turns on the car stereo a moment later, and you begin humming the song.

- You've been distant lately. - She comments distractedly as you drive away. - You know you can talk to me, right?

You smile, ignoring the feeling in your stomach.

- Yes, Lizzie. - You say without taking your eyes off the road. - I'm just busy, that's all. It's nothing.

Lizzie makes a noise of agreement and looks away. You think maybe she believes you're not telling her the truth, and you feel guilty. So you decide to change the subject.

- How are things at home, Liz? Are Mary-Kate and Ashley well? - you ask, and she looks at you quickly.

- Everything's fine. - she says, and then she bites her lip. - Did I do something?

You frown, glancing quickly at her before looking down the street again. The light was red. And when you turn your head toward her, she lets out a sigh.

- You don't talk to me anymore. - She says seriously, looking at you. - Since Berlin, you're just distant. Always busy, and with ready-made answers. And now you try small talk, even though you hate it. I wish you would tell me what I did wrong.

Your heart is racing at the accusations, because she is absolutely right. And then you swallow dry, and prepare to speak, but then Liz is pointing ahead, the headlight has opened. And you have to drive, and she crosses her arms and looks away to the window.

You drive the rest of the way to her house in silence, and when you park the car in the driveway, she mumbles a goodnight before getting out. 

Squeezing the steering wheel in your fingers, you take a deep breath. And then you get out of the car, and the noise of the door opening surprises her because she turns to look. But you are walking toward her, and raising your hand to the back of her neck, bringing your mouths together. Lizzie chokes in surprise, but in the next second she melts against you as she kisses you back.

You part breathlessly, holding your foreheads together.

- I am in love with you. - You confess. - I'm sorry I was a complete idiot, but I was terrified.

Lizzie giggles, kissing you again quickly before hugging you. And then she is breaking the embrace to look at you, a shy smile on her lips.

- I'm in love with you too. - she says. - I'm glad that's the problem and not something else.

You laugh, and kiss her one last time before entwining your hands and walking toward her house.

You decide to take things slow, so naturally, two weeks later, you ask her to be your girlfriend over dinner. Lizzie smiles all night, but you know that if this is a secret, she can't wear the ring.

Public relationships mean contracts, and agents, and unwanted questions, and lots of opinions about your lives. And you two wanted to keep that to yourselves for the time being.

So when directors comment that your onstage chemistry is amazing, you two just nod and thank them. When the interviewers ask if you are together, you deny it as before.

The first time you sleep with Lizzie, you almost break the bed. And it's all right, because you two are laughing with happiness and pleasure, and she pulls you in for another kiss. And you entwine your hands, the commitment rings on your fingers.

A year and a half later, you are getting very busy with your participation in a youth series, and there are many rumors that you are dating your co-star, so Lizzie is jealous and you can't blame her. 

You decide that the secret cannot go on any longer, at least not to your friends and employers. So you talk to Lizzie, and you both call your agents. Sara laughs for ten minutes when you tell her, but she is happy to talk to Lizzie's agent. You are not public yet, but it is important that all parties are in agreement. You hate bureaucracy, but you don't mind as long as Lizzie's hand is in yours. Your friends are very happy, and the other cast members tease you constantly about it.

When you shoot the last movie, you think you are going to be fired because your character has died. But then you and Lizzie get a series together.

You try not to overthink how you will deny the rumors on television, but Lizzie kisses you on the cheek and tells you that you will face it together. 

It takes three more months for you to propose. You think your chest will explode with happiness when she accepts.

And then you are calling your agents again, and Sara almost faints when you tell her that you got married in secret at some registry office in the Caribbean and she needs to get the paperwork sorted out. When you get back to California, there is a small ceremony with your family members.

//-//

Present

You and Lizzie are sitting side by side in the interview. The questions about WandaVision are over, and now you know from Jimmy's expression what he is going to say.

- The last time you were here, I had only an instagram post as an argument for your secret relationship. - He says, making you, Lizzie and the audience laugh lightly. - But now I have talked to the production and they prepare a presentation.

- My goodness. - You remark, making him laugh. And then he waves to the big screen, and you try to disguise your nervousness.

A presentation of images began to play to the audience to the sound of "honeybee" by the band "The Head and The Heart". There are several studio shots, from photo rehearsals to behind-the-scene moments. There is a picture from the day you met, from the first cast test, from the Avengers taping, paparazzi shots of you laughing in the parking lot, or in the open areas. There are pictures of you walking around Los Angeles together, pictures of your rides, or your travels. There are clippings from instagram stories where you spend time together, laughing and hugging. The presentation ends with the BTS photo of WandaVision from the first day of recording where you have your arm around Lizzie, and the two of you are laughing.

You clear your throat away the emotion, but Lizzie wipes her eyes lightly.

- That was very beautiful. - She comments as Jimmy hands her a piece of tissue paper. The audience bursts into tears of excitement.

- I guess we can get to the part where you deny everything now can't we? - Jimmy jokes and you smile and straighten your posture.

- Actually, Jimmy, we have something to announce.

[celestialrry]

I wish you would write a fic where...

the main character is the daughter of a really important producer harry is working with and he has a major crush on her but 1) he doesn’t want her dad to feel like he’s taking advantage of her 2) she has a rule of not dating musicians

too young

OOOOOOHHHHHH

HIIII GUYS..... i started school again and honestly for the longest time i've had no inspiration to write but then i got this ask!!! (thank you for your patience anon ily) and was like i love this prompt but then i wrote the first part and had no idea how to continue it,,, but I finally finished it!! ε(♡'-')з (this is me giving you all my love and affection for sticking with me) 

(NOT EDITED)

2k

warnings: alcohol consumption

Harry was in a dilemma.

Usually, he could sweep all his issues under the rug, save them for another day, but this one... he couldn't do that. Not because he didn't want to, but because this problem was more than just a dust bunny on his hardwood floor.

Y/N was the problem.

Or to be more precise, his feelings for Y/N were the problem.

Harry had confidence when it came to his crushes. He was smooth, flirty, and snagged almost every single person he's caught feelings for.

But not Y/N.

No, she was almost unreachable, for quite a few reasons.

One, the only reason he knew her, met her, was through a producer he had been working with the past few months. Arlo was massive in the industry and Harry was flattered when Arlo approached him with interest in collaborating. And only a month into working together, he met Y/N.

Harry's head snapped towards the door that had just burst open, a girl barging into the studio that he had never seen before. She was gorgeous, he had to admit, but he couldn't ignore her blatant disrespect for coming in and making a scene while he, Arlo, and a few of his bandmates were working annoyed him to no end.

"Dad! Oh my god, you will not believe what just happened, I was on my way over here and I fucking bumped into Zach," The girl began ranting, approaching Arlo and huffing as she stood next to Arlo's chair. "Of all fucking people I could see just walking down the street, it had to be him. The world is against me today I swear. Anyways, I brought that drum pad you wanted."

She dug into her big brown bag that was slung over her shoulder and pulled out the music board, placing it on the table in front of Arlo.

"Where'd you see him, Y/N? We're about to go on break and I can leave and go kick his ass in," Arlo checked his watch. "7 minutes."

Y/N, Harry now knew her as, sighed and crossed her arms. "He's long gone by now, think he shit his pants when he saw me walking near him."

"Atta girl, thanks for bringing my board too," Arlo smiled up at her from his chair. He then turned to see Harry, and Mitch staring at the two of them. "Oh sorry guys, this is my daughter, Y/N. Y/N, this is Harry and Mitch."

She turned to look at them and smiled wide. "Nice to meet you!"

"You too." They both said in unison, looking at each other with a smile, before focusing back on Y/N.

"We'll be done soon, if you wanna go out and get lunch." Arlo said, turning back to his daughter.

"Sounds good, just text me," Y/N replied, giving him a smile before turning back to the boys. "Nice meeting you guys, again."

And before they could even respond she was gone.

Two, Y/N was younger than him. 6 years younger to be exact. It didn't seem like much, but when put into perspective, she was 21, only just being legally allowed to drink in the States, and Harry was 27. Practically 30, if you ask him, and he was positive Arlo would have his head if he found out Harry liked his daughter. 

And three, she doesn't date the people her dad works with. 

He had found this out one night when he, Arlo, Y/N, Mitch, and a couple other writers were hanging out at the studio, drinking some wine (she had even exclaimed that this would be her first time drinking red, and Harry was yet again reminded of her age) and chatting after a long day of working. 

Harry and Mitch were laughing with Arlo about the first time they met Y/N, and her comments about this “Zach” guy. 

“He’s my ex, and had worked with my dad on one shitty song that never got far because he’s just so-- music is just not his thing, to put it nicely. But he was an absolute asshole and after him I made rule to never date anyone Dad works with. It would just go terribly.” She explained, letting Arlo take a few more jabs at the guy before stopping him.

So yeah, Harry was in a dilemma. 

In all the time he’d known Y/N, he just kept falling for her. She was kind, funny, beautiful, lit up any room she walked into, and treated Harry like fine porcelain. 

She was just fucking perfect. 

｡:°ஐ

Y/N had probably been in a lot of worse positions than the predicament she was in now.

For example, that time her dad walked in on her and her ex making out in the studio, or her 21st birthday when she got completely wasted and almost got into the wrong car instead of her uber, and the next day found out that the man driving that car was actually a convicted criminal.

So there’s worse things that could happen than her liking Harry.

But it doesn't mean it wasn’t bad.

The thing is, Y/N didn’t fall for anyone easily. Her one and only ex Zach treated her like a queen until he could officially claim her as his. The flowers he gave her before every date remained at the shop and the consistent compliments turned into insults and muttered claims of discontentment. 

Hence why he was her ex. It took Y/N quite a long time to work up the courage to end things with him. He was her first kiss, first time, and first boyfriend. She was yet to find her first love, she never really loved Zach. The way he used to treat her in the beginning, she thinks she loved, but him? No, she would never call him her first love. 

So when Y/N’s time crush on Harry began to develop into real feelings in such a short span of time, it terrified her. She had really never felt this way about someone before; butterflies would erupt in her stomach every time he shot her a smile and her mind would erupt into pure chaos when his body brushed up against her own. 

So yeah, it could be worse, but it certainly wasn't good.

｡:°ஐ

Y/N enjoyed spending time at the studio with her dad, and surprisingly, spending time with her dad’s “co-workers”. Even though she didn't usually hang out with the pop stars and spent time mostly with the backing band/producers (they were usually 50 year old men, but they were pretty nice) she enjoyed herself fully, having lunch breaks and talking about where their children when to school and whatnot. 

Sometimes though, every blue moon, Y/N would hang out with a super star her dad was working with. Usually when most stars are at the studio all they did was record, which was understandable, but she never had the chance to meet a lot of them.

With Harry though, everything was different. It wasn’t just lunches at the studio, or dinner at someone’s house, no, tonight they were going out to a bar. 

It was completely unexpected too, they had just wrapped up a song, and Harry, being in a particularly good mood had yelled out about going to a bar to celebrate. Of course, Y/N ignored his shout, knowing she wasn’t invited, and after Arlo had said something about “not being able to party as much as I used to”, she gave her dad a hug good night and waved a little goodbye to the band. 

“Wait!” Harry had exclaimed, chasing after her in the hallway. “Where are y’going?”

Y/N’s eyes widened and she looked behind her before looking back at Harry. “I was just gonna head back home.”

Harry’s head tilted, and looked at her questionably. “Y’not comin’ to the bar with us?” He practically pouted.

Her brows shot up in surprise. “Oh! I- yeah I’ll go out with you guys.”

Which lead her here, decently tipsy, and sitting in a booth between Harry and Sarah, laughing at a story Adam had been telling. Every now and then she would glance over to Harry just to find his gaze already on her.

Her heart fluttered every time, and if Harry’s cheeks weren’t already flushed from the alcohol, Y/N would have noticed him blush every time they locked eyes as well. 

“M’gonna get another drink, does anyone want anything?” Y/N piped up, a resounding chorus of “no, thank you’s” answering her question. Except for Harry who spoke softly, “A beer? Go ahead and put it on my tab.”

She shook her head at him as he stood up to let her out of the maroon leather booth. “Can’t make you pay for that, I offered.” She said, standing to lock eyes with him yet again. 

“Nope,” He grinned. “You can, and you will.”

“But-”

“No buts.” He chuckled, giving her a dimpled smile.

Accepting her defeat she nodded and squeezed his arm with a murmured “Thank you.” before making her way to the bar.

Harry sat back down again, eyes trailing her figure as she walked away before looking back at the table to be met with knowing eyes. 

“What is it?” He asked, glancing around at everyone.

“You’re whipped, mate.” Charlotte grinned, everyone else nodding in agreement.

“What?! I am not.” Harry pouted, eyes flicking over to Y/N, who was making her way to the table, one drink in each hand, before back to everyone else. 

“She’s really sweet H, you should go for it.” Mitch said.

Harry shook his head, eyes now on Mitch. “I’m not interested in her like that, she’s way too young for me, anyways.”

Just then did he hear the soft hit of his beer and her cosmo land on the table. His gaze trailed up her hands to see Y/N’s shattered face. “Here.” She practically whispered to him.

“I just remembered I have an early class tomorrow, so I should go, but thank you guys for inviting me out.” Y/N explained in lighting speed as she leaned over Harry to grab her purse and toss is over her shoulder. 

Words of confusion were tossed around the table but she was already booking it out of there, leaving Harry just as devastated as she was.

“I think she heard you, H.” Sarah said, frowning. 

Harry let out a muttered “Fuck!” before taking out large bills from his wallet and tossing it on the table. “For my tab, m’sorry, I gotta go.” And he left just as fast as Y/N did, weaving through the tables and people before bursting out the door to see her standing on the street, arm wrapped around her waist and another holding her phone.

“Y/N!”

Her head whipped around to see Harry bustling towards her and she quickly wiped her eye as he approached.

“Wait, don't go,” He said, struggling to find the words. “We all want you to stay, I want you to stay.”

“I have to get to class Harry, plus, I’m too young to be staying out this late anyways.” She grimaced at her own words. 

He sighed, eyes flickering from her own to her lips then back again. “I-fuck, you know I didn’t mean it like that.”

This time, she fully turned to face him, brows knitted in distress. “Then how did you mean it? Because honestly I don’t think there is another way to mean it.”

This was his only chance, Harry knew it. 

“I just, I tried for so long to tell myself it was wrong to feel this way about you because you’re so much younger than me, and m’pretty sure your father would have my head if he knew but m’fucking infatuated with you, Y/N. M’so sorry I said that earlier, age is my only excuse for not asking you out and it’s not a good enough excuse anymore.”

With this her mouth was gaped like a fish, and her face was akin to a deer caught in headlights. In a flash her arms were wrapped around his neck and he was holding her waist, reveling in her touch. 

“Oh, Harry,” She pulled away. “I really like you too.” And with that she pressed a swift kiss to his cheek, leaving him a blushing mess. 

“Good, thats... thats good.” He stammered.

“So,” she nudged his arm. “Y’gonna ask me out now?”

[blu-joons]

DATING NCT A⇴Z HEADCANON ⇴ Mark Lee

A ⇴ AFFECTION 

His favourite kind of affection was when you’d have your hands in his hair. He loved to feel your hands brush though his soft locks and pull him a little bit closer whenever you needed him to be right there for you.

B ⇴ BEFORE DATING 

When the two of you first met, Mark was very awkward, he didn’t have the slightest clue of what he wanted to say to you. He could barely string a sentence together until one of the members called him out to start with at least a hello and introduce himself, and from there, you loved to tease him about it ever since.  

C ⇴ CONFESSION 

It didn’t take Mark long at all to know that you were the one that he wanted. He was far too shy to confess in person, so he sent you a demo of a song that he would have written just for you, leaving it until the very last minute to let you know how he felt. When he saw your name flash up on his phone he panicked, only to see that you’d text him and begged him to let you in and get you out of the cold to be with him.

D ⇴ DATES 

You knew just how dedicated Mark was to his work, so you’d often end up surprising him on those late nights with dates set up in the studio for you. You also knew that Mark was a terrible cook, so as long as you showed up with a bag of takeout in hand, then you were going to be safe for the night. He’d spend all night long telling you about his projects, whilst he always worried that you’d think he was bragging, all you see was a hard working and passionate guy who loved his job, and you.

E ⇴ EXPERIENCE 

Mark had seen plenty of other people in love, but never himself before. He always had an idea of the type of boyfriend he’d be, and whilst he was the first to admit that he wasn’t perfect, he was determined in making his first experience of love his last too. He wanted to always be the one that would be there for you from the moment that he met you, just as long as you were willing to help him learn along the way. Day by day, he knew he was getting better at being a boyfriend, and that was all that mattered to him.

F ⇴ FIGHTING 

Neither of you were fond of arguments, but you were human too, and appreciated that they were just a part of being in a relationship. Whenever the two of you argued, one of you would always walk away before things got too bad, you were both very good at minding your tempers. Usually, after an hour or two the person who walked out would return so that the two of you could talk things through with each other and nip the problem in the bud before it became too big a hurdle for you to jump over. Major arguments were definitely a problem when the two of you were already so shy.

G ⇴ GETTING TO KNOW HIS FAMILY 

He often joked about his family got in contact with him a lot more since you’d came into his life. He loved to tease you and let you know that you were the favourite in his family’s eyes because they got in with you so well and always asked after you whenever Mark was on a call by himself.

H ⇴ HOME 

Rooming with a manager definitely had its perks for Mark, he always gave the two of you space you needed in the dorm. Therefore he was a little reluctant to move out of the dorms and in with you, he wanted to wait a little while and see the direction his career took first, and also make sure his other members were alright.

I ⇴ “I LOVE YOU” 

He was the first one to say, “I love you,” when you surprised him with a Canadian Day after you heard him talking about how much he missed home. Seeing the effort that you went to in order to put a smile back on his face meant the absolute world to him, and he couldn’t repay the favour in any other way then finally letting you know that he loved you.

J ⇴ JEALOUSY 

Mark tended to doubt himself a lot, which would lead to a bit of jealousy at times. You’d often have to reassure him not to get jealous of anyone, you loved talking to people, but if you ever left his side at an event then he’d definitely begin to worry. No matter how many times you told him not to get jealous, you knew that he’d never a listen. It was a feeling that he just couldn’t get rid of, no matter how hard he wanted to. He knew he never really had a reason to get jealous, but that didn’t stop him feeling the way that he did.

K ⇴ KIDS 

If there was one thing Mark definitely saw in his future, it was kids. He very much had an ideal plan of what his life would like in years to come, he’d even picked out the perfect age to start a family. Whilst he never told you about his future plans, just in case he pressurised you, you were very much aware of just how valuable and important having a family was to him and how keen he was to start one in the future with you.

L ⇴ LAUGHTER 

One of the biggest things that Mark worried about was whether he could make you laugh or not. Any time that he didn’t see you at least with a small smile on your face would worry him. He worked hard at everything that he did, and that included making you happy. To cheer you up, he’d often search up things to do that would put the smile back on your face, and do a lot of research into your favourite cheesy jokes that he knew would get a reaction out of you each and every time. It was one thing he always made sure to do every day, knowing that if you ever had a bad day when you were around him then he’d never forgive himself.

M ⇴ MISSING 

Having spent so many years away from home, Mark never thought he’d experience the feeling of homesickness again, until you came along. He was never afraid to admit when he was struggling, but sometimes he’d forget about you in it all. There would be days sometimes when you just wouldn’t here from him because Mark didn’t know the right things to say to feel better. It’d only be when you’d message one of his members and ask them what was going on that he’d get the kick he needed to message you and sort himself out too. He still never knew the right things to say, but his members wouldn’t let him go until he said something.

N ⇴ NICKNAMES 

He often called you “sweet,” because you reminded him like the maple syrup at. You were adorable and cute, and reminded him exactly of the sweet tooth he had whenever he had maple syrup from back home.

O ⇴ OBSESSION 

Mark was obsessed with your hair, he loved to have his hands in it almost as much as he loved to feel yours messed in with his. Playing with your hair was always comforting for him.

P ⇴ PDA 

Subtle gestures were how Mark would often be affectionate in public with you. When he walked past you, he would usually kiss your cheek, or if you appeared beside him suddenly his hand would rest against your shoulder or arm just to remind himself that you were back by his side and safe.  

Q ⇴ QUESTIONS 

He would love to ask your opinion on nearly anything he did. Having your approval on anything was a huge bonus to him, but if something didn’t quite hit the spot for you, he’d refuse to let it go until you’d told him exactly where you thought he could improve or do better next time.

R ⇴ RANDOM FACTS 

For any occasion that the two of you celebrated, Mark would write a song for you. You knew that he loved to compose anyway, and anything that he came up with was something that you adored, but it was the pieces he wrote just for the two of you that held the biggest place in your heart. To see the effort he went to in order to find the perfect lyrics meant the world to you, and of course, he delivered each and every time.

S ⇴ SEX 

There were definitely times when things would get awkward for you both, and neither of you could do nothing more than laugh. For the best part, he would be a complete romantic, but then that shy side of Mark that you’d grown to adore would often make an appearance. You loved how caring he was during intimacy, even if he did end up making a bit of a fool of himself, just knowing you were happy was more than enough for him.

T ⇴ TEXTS 

He was definitely someone who would text, usually to let you know if something was up. You’d often end a shift to see a text from Mark to let you know that he’d be working late that night and to make sure you didn’t wait up for him.

U ⇴ UNIVERSE 

The two of you complimented each other very well, you shared a lot of traits which meant that you were able to be incredibly understanding and supportive of each other which was all that Mark ever really wanted.  

V ⇴ VACATION 

As the two of you didn’t end up finding the time to travel often, Mark would always fly your family, or his, maybe sometimes even both, in to visit the two of you instead. He knew your breaks were to spent with your families, regardless of where the two of you were in the world, just having them there with you is enough.

W ⇴ WHINING 

Mark wanted to be the perfect boyfriend, so if something didn’t quite go his way then he’d definitely whine and make his frustrations clear.

X ⇴ XXXXX 

He’d often find himself planting kisses against your skin, especially when you were nice and close. With your hands in his hair, there was no greater feeling for Mark then when you’d tug at him gently and pull him closer towards you so that you could press a soft kiss to his lips. A nervous giggle would always come after it, your kisses often left him feeling shy, but it was by far one of the things that you loved the most about him.

Y ⇴ YOU 

You were his biggest fan who supported him no matter what.

Z ⇴ ZZZ 

The two of you would always fall asleep close together. You’d often feel Mark’s hand tap against your skin as he came up with little melodies or ditties whilst he drifted off to sleep, using you as his instrument.

---

Masterlist

[musicfeedsmysoul12]

fic title: the girl with flowers in her bones

Izumi learns she has a Quirk age six when the weird bump on her shoulder is inspected by a doctor who cuts it open to reveal a pretty flower.

Said flower quickly changed and becomes deadly, nearly killing a nurse before it’s destroyed.

No one knows how it got there but now people know about it. At first Izumi is happy. She has a Quirk.

Then she isn’t.

“It’s a useless Quirk!” Kacchan taunts her. “Perfect for a useless girl like you! Flowers under the skin! Pathetic!”

Kacchan burns her shoulder and she goes home crying.

Later a flower develops where she’s been burned and after some quiet conversation with Inko about how her husband had left because of Izumi’s Quirkless status and Izumi had heard it, they figured it out.

The flowers bloom when someone hurts her. They bloom and the doctors do a scan revealing many more flowers all over her- some were small and no one could see them. Little hurts the doctors theorized.

They still had to be removed. Izumi has been getting slower, becoming more exhausted each day. It’s the flowers.

Izumi numbly lets it happen.

But it happens again. And again.

Flowers bloom because people keep hurting her. They turn deadly when exposed to the air.

“Freak, monster, liar-“ it’s all shouted at her by her class. Kacchan leads the charge.

His flowers are always an orange lily. Hatred.

Izumi wonders if it means him or her who hates the other. When it becomes a sweet pea, she has a feeling she knows why she is receiving a goodbye.

She stops growing flowers for him. Because she knows she will only get pain from him, because he is no longer one she believes to be a friend.

“The flowers are signs of betrayal,” she changes the classification. “I can only be hurt by those I do not think would hurt me, those I trust. Once I stop trusting or believing they will not hurt me the flowers stop.”

Her mother sobs upon hearing it. Inko then goes and terrifies the Bakugou family, promising that unless Kacchan leaves her alone Inko would go after them.

Kacchan doesn’t listen.

So Inko slaps them with a lawsuit she wins. It’s enough for Izumi to go to a new school where she sits quietly and doesn’t talk.

There people whisper still but it’s sad whispers.

“Her Quirk hurts her.”

“No, it’s people hurting her which sets off her Quirk.”

“She’s so quiet.”

Izumi just works. The only one she trusts is her mother. Inko who tries so hard not to hurt her, who is honest and open. Who gives her books on flowers and smiles.

When Inko hurts Izumi she leaves violets and lavender. And they’re always small, so small. Small hurts, being too honest with her daughter.

Izumi loves her mother for it.

Izumi grows and soon she finds herself applying for UA. She wants to be a hero and her mother frets and admits she isn’t sure if Izumi can do but the two have researched and researched and well, they think they can figure a way out. Sports festival- she just needs to beat all the other students.

She thinks she can. The money they won from the lawsuit had helped Izumi not only get into a new school but also got her into a martial arts studio. Her mother insisted.

Probably was upset with how many flowers Izumi grew from cuts and burns and bruises. Those were the bigger ones, when they were left on purpose. They pushed against the skin, looked strange.

Funny, Izumi noticed that she didn’t gain flowers sparring.

“It’s probably based on intention. When you gain flowers from bruises or cuts and they’re from people doing it to hurt you and betray you, they come as flowers. But when it’s done as a fight or a spar it’s on purpose still but it’s not a betrayal of yourself.” Her Quirk therapist theorizes.

It makes sense.

Izumi goes to UA after failing the entrance exam and ends up in 1C where she finds herself meeting a boy who is like her. Sharp and broken and hurt.

Shinsou is a friend and she finds herself chuckling at his comments.

Their friendship only blooms truly though when she meets Kacchan again. He sees her and attacks, screaming. She fights back. Shinsou speaks and stops Kacchan and Izumi looks at him, seeing something similar back.

The situation ends with Izumi in the principal’s office telling her story. She looks him in the eyes tiredly.

Kacchan is removed from UA- apparently, the lawsuit hadn’t been included in his application.

“It was when he was ten!” His mother tries.

“It still happened and you lied,” Nezu tells her. Izumi isn’t supposed to be there but she went to the office to pick up some papers.

She thinks her homeroom teacher arranged it.

“The papers are supposed to show us if we need to watch out students for anything. You lied on the application.”

Izumi doesn’t know what to think as she slides away. She hasn’t seen Kacchan in years. Hasn’t spoken to him.

Yet he still tried to attack her. He hasn’t learned anything.

Izumi has left him behind. The pain he caused ended any relationship between them.

He is a child. He can learn, if he wishes.

She feels as if she is choking when she runs into someone.

“Ah,” the person says and she blinks at a girl with red and white hair. It’s long and in a braid as she stares at Izumi. There’s a burn scar on her face and as Izumi looks into her eyes she sees the same sort of pain Izumi has.

The girl nods and leaves and Izumi stares after her in confusion.

Then she has to head to class and Shinsou and it’s a mess.

A flower blooms under her cheek as she speaks and she wonders if it’s from the shock someone attacked her at UA or it’s because she always hoped Kacchan would change the longer she left him.

“It’s not the same.” She tells Shinsou. “I was in hell until I was ten and then just isolated after.”

“It’s close,” Shinsou tells her. He touches her cheek and she closes her eyes. “It’s growing?”

“Yeah. It used to be orange lilies. It might be the same now.”

It is. It’s removed by Recovery Girl and Izumi breathes and doesn’t try to think.

She doesn’t know what to think about anything.

She thinks in a way that expelling him was to much. She understands that they lied, that they removed the evidence of the trial. But did they truly know that it counted?

Kacchan is a child and needs to learn things.

At the same time, he tried to attack her.

Her mind feels muddled and confused and Shinsou tries to help but it’s different for him. His bullies were cruel and never stopped and yet he never expected it either to stop.

You can only be betrayed by a friend.

He tries but they fight and eventually he yells that she’s worthless if she wishes to let a boy who hurts her back into UA.

She flinches and he does too.

Shinsou reaches for her but she leaves, feeling sick.

Izumi wanders UA campus after that- a week after the Kacchan incident- a week after the USJ got invaded. With Kacchan in the office the class hadn’t gone to USJ, something all of them expresses relief about.

Izumi wanders and then runs into the red and white girl again. She’s training in the gym that all students are allowed to Izumi wandered to it out of habit. Usually she and Shinsou train- Shinsou finally accepting that he needs to train his body.

He’s not with her though, and she feels her shoulder ache.

Shinsou didn’t mean it, he was angry and didn’t understand. Izumi gets it.

But it still was a hurt.

“... are you okay?” The girl asks and Izumi blinks, realizing she’s been standing in the gym staring off into space.

“I’m fine.” She says. “I got into a fight with my friend.” The girl looks at her and Izumi sighs.

“My Quirk lets me know when I’ve been hurt,” Izumi explains. “The hurts become flowers under my skin. Ever hurt, physical, emotional, mental, minor or major.” Izumi sighs.

“... you were the one Bakugou attacked, the reason we did not go to the USJ.,” The girl says calmly.

“We were friends once. He hurt me badly, and we stopped. He tried again, my mom sued him and his family and they didn’t put the trial in his transcripts. So he’s been expelled and I just… I feel bad for him. He’s hurt me but I cared for him once and is it fair that he was a child when this happened and he’s still himself a child?” Izumi sighs. “Sorry. I-“

“I have similar feelings to my brother and mother.” The girl offers. Her face is slightly blank. She looks at Izumi, cocking her head slightly. “My father is not a nice man and he’s only stopped hurting us due to blackmail my eldest brother has given. I’m under the custody of my second eldest brother. My other siblings were deemed unsuited and my mother is in a mental health institute.”

“Oh!” Izumi blinks. “You didn’t-“

“You told me.” The girl shrugs. “I’m Todoroki Shouto.”

“Midoriya Izumi.”

It’s the start of something.

From the hurt Shinsou dealt jasmine is dug from Izumi’s skin and he apologizes over and over again. She tells him it’s not okay but she understands he didn’t truly mean it.

It makes her sad still.

She and Todoroki meet from time to time in the gym, speaking. Sometimes Shinsou joins them, sometimes not. He wishes to keep his Quirk private, wishing to get into the hero course like Izumi wishes.

Todoroki is kind, Izumi finds. She’s standoffish and blunt but she’s kind.

Her story is a sad one, told over gym meetings. Her father is Endeavour and he wished to overcome All Might. He had children to force it, and the abuse he placed his family through broke her mother.

Todoroki loves her mother. She loves her dearly but cannot face her.

“I used to blame myself, thinking it might be my fault she burned me. Natsuo, my brother, he got me into therapy and I’ve learned it wasn’t. I was a child, it was not on me. And yet my mother is ill.” Todoroki explains. “I care deeply for her but… I can’t face her right now. Because I have learned it is not my fault what she did and I have to adjust.”

Her brother, her eldest brother Touya, is a different story.

“He blamed me for the abuse. Said it was all my fault, hated the fact I was a girl too. Kept going on I was a screw-up, that I was disgusting. He’s in therapy to now but… I don’t talk to him. Ever if I can help it. Natsuo says he’s getting better but he won’t make me do anything. My sister keeps trying to get us to forgive our dad. We don’t want to.” Todoroki tells her. “It’s a mess.”

Todoroki doesn’t know what to do herself. Her brother was young when he became angry, and her mother ill. Neither were fully at fault, and yet she struggles.

It’s nice to talk to someone who understands.

Their friendship grows and Izumi wonders why it feels different then from her and Shinsou.

Yet as she watches Todoroki smile, she thinks she knows.

At the sports festival, Izumi and Shinsou manage to get to the tournament. They manage to claw their way to the semi-finals, determining who will go on to compete for first.

Shinsou insults her, curses her. And then he confesses.

Izumi keeps her mouth shut and shoved him out, even as she feels the flowers begin to bloom.

She does tell him she doesn’t feel the same.

“I know,” Shinsou tells her. “It’s Todoroki. You two smile all the time around each other, you laugh and have fun.” He shrugs sadly. “I just wanted to be honest.

Izumi accepts it, and later she finds the flowers to be yellow tulips.

One-sided love.

Yet first comes the finals, where Izumi screams at Todoroki to use her fire, even as the girl refuses to use it.

“I won’t use his power!” She yells.

“It’s not his! It’s yours!” Izumi cries back.

It’s chaos and destruction and in the end, Izumi has a silver medal.

And she has a smile she treasures.

It’s not love, not yet. But it has a chance to be.

A chance they cultivate, a chance they find becoming stronger and stronger as time goes on. As she and Shinsou enter the hero course, as she fights to protect a boy she barely knows on the streets of Hosu, protecting her hero mentor as well.

It’s a chance she takes, kissing Todoroki after the final exams. Todoroki accidentally burns her in shock and feels horrible.

Izumi treasures the fact a red rose blooms under her skin.

[uelden]

Vanity Fair interview translated

Just a side note before the actual translation; I don't know why, but instead of reporting the full questions and answers in full as she should, the journalist decided to report only summarized fragments of what Måneskin said and patch these fragments up into messy clusters. She also worded a couple phrases in a very confusing way (and yes, she's fully Italian). In short, she did quite a poor job, so the final shape of the interview is not that good. I didn't expect top-tier journalism from Vanity Fair but ffs. You'll see what I mean.

I translated it as it is, adding just a couple footnotes to give you insight on Italian pop culture references.

Translation under the cut

Måneskin: "Different from whom?"

by Lavinia Farnese, 09 June 2021

"True justice is being judged for what you do and not for what you are." The ones who are convinced of this are Damiano, Victoria, Ethan and Thomas who, by being the emblem of a generation that is finally free, refuse labels and conformism. In life, in love and on the stage. Where, maybe precisely because of this, they're winning everything

With the still unexpected (first place at Sanremo Festival) and the incredible (triumph at Eurovision) in their eyes, Måneskin are on the sofa of the house-studio they rented - to resume writing songs and rehearsing them - like you are after a won battle: lying in a calm and unreal silence, alert and a bit irreverent, happy.

In the garden there's the tennis table and the pool, the light of summer when it's starting and calming the country all around, and it filters inside from the large windows, and it goes onto the shining black of Ethan's hair, which blends with Thomas' eye shadow and the butterfly he has tattooed oh his naked forearm, which completes the picture of Victoria's golden crucifix hanging between neck and tank top and ends on the black nail polish of Damiano's stretched hands.

It's a human fresco, a Theatre of wrath [translator's note: "Teatro d'ira"] - to call it with the title of their latest album, a platinum record already - where their flaunted 20 years of age, their irregular femininity and virility are grown into proud and challenging custom, a pop glam rock generational manifesto of hard-earned liberties in a finally-unconditional expression of the self.

To watch them from any angle and from another age is to think that a great love will be born in those who'll understand: this new way of being in the world, the true and sovereign realm they hold where "diversity=exceptionality", the power of the artistic and cultural revolution of which they are healthy carriers in establishing in all lyrics and gestures the right to live according to one's own nature past the "people (who) talk, the people (who) unfortunately talk, and don't know what the fuck they're talking about." [tn: "Zitti e buoni" lyrics]

We go where we're afloat, where the air isn't gone. [tn: journalist's own variation on "Zitti e buoni" lyrics]

Miley Cyrus says hi – The numbers of a phenomenon

"The streams of Zitti e buoni are growing by the second, and they bring us above Muse, at the top of English charts, twelfth in the Spotify Global Chart. Followers almost tripled, in the post-Rotterdam period (from 1,4 to 3,3 millions, ed.) Contagious and universal folly: t-shirts and merchandising sold out in 10 minutes. Like the records, the tickets for a tour that keeps adding dates and expanding over geographic maps. They're contacting us even from some festivals were The Rolling Stones went." Thomas

"After the pretextual controversy over cocaine that France built against us, later disproven by my drug test, some graffiti popped up in Spain depicting me as a “No drugs” poster guy. Some tweets made us laugh: "Congratulations, Italy! I've never been more certain that four people have had sex with each other." Miley Cyrus started following us -You're great. -You guys are greater." Damiano

From the garage to the stars – Story of a flight

"It was only 2016, and we played in restaurants, in the streets, in via del Corso. Damiano without even a microphone, Thomas' guitar with wonky strings, Ethan was drumming on a cajón. During Rome highschools' sit-ins (Kennedy, Virgilio, Mamiani) we had our first confirmations and half-hours of celebrity, playing among those who criticized us and those who went "wow they're really cool." One of the rare times when they would have paid us – 50 euros each – we gave the money to the next band in the lineup so that they would make us play in their spot, later in the day, when there would have been more people. We had already realized how things worked. Visibility mattered more than money. And we still think that." Victoria

The intimacy of rock – Choice of a genre

"Music allows us the miracle of extending to others some very personal and private topics, sometimes even difficult and thorny ones. They are and they remain deeply your own, but at the same time they become a confession that reaches a wider audience, and in this passage that is alike a delivery, they find a place in you as well, a processing of them. You overcome them, you accept them. One second it's something aggressive, the next it's a ballad. Cathartic». Damiano

Against panic – The stage as therapy

"I've suffered a lot from anxiety and panic attacks, it's an issue I've worked on thanks to a psychotherapy course, my friends and my family. Playing helped me in not letting myself be paralyzed by my fears, not making myself limited in my private and professional life. I've learned to accept, to live with this side of myself. I don't hide it. I don't feel ashamed of it." Victoria

Analysis as necessity – Relying on someone saves you

"This belief that only madmen go to the psychologist is a widespread ignorance. No-one's born learned. [tn: common Italian saying] And it's often hard to understand the very reason why we're here, let alone the origin and direction of our desires. It's a long and legitimate journey towards lucidity, a kind of backing to become transparent." Damiano

Being out of our minds – But different from them [tn: "Zitti e buoni" lyrics]

"When you feel a strong passion towards something that is not a canonical job but an artistic language, that already puts you on a level of anomaly, which is not superior or inferior to other people, but it puts you in the position of the one who breaks the mold and also works at a loss, the one who sustains great risks while trying to do something that who knows if it will take you anywhere. "Why do it if it doesn't pay?". You want to give this dream of yours an aesthetic, but it becomes "You're dressing so weird! You must be gay!" - now that I'm 22 I laugh about it, but when I was 17 it had an effect on me, too." Damiano

The beauty of uniqueness – Of believing in it and defending it

"And I mean, at the end of the day if we're all different it's not because we want be alternative but because, really, no-one is the same. Justice is being judged on what you do and not what you are. Justice is equality, respect, beauty." Ethan

Fluid sexuality – Pride is freedom

"Heels for men that like themselves in them, kisses among ourselves, we have an open, extended mind, and we're proud of it. The horizons become vast, past the oppression of conservative families. With the information on the web knowledge becomes greater and with it the possibility that minorities will be less and less minorities, because the majority will be less of a majority. This way we'll make insults and bullying grow quieter. If social media get to a village of 50 souls and reveal to a girl who's afraid of the dark that someone has felt her same fear, then there's no reason to give a name to that fear, to mark it with labels which also limit and restrict. Definitions always had this effect on me. You shouldn't even consider the gender when judging someone, let alone their orientation." Victoria

Sexism – A culture to be dismantled

"Emma [tn: Emma Marrone, Italian singer] drops the bomb: “At Eurovision when I was there they massacred me for a pair of shorts, while they said nothing to Damiano – bare-chested and in heels.” The easy judgment against women is more fierce, constant, debasing (if I have a lot of sex I'm cool while Vic is a whore, where I show myself strong I'm a leader while Vic is despotic and a pain in the ass who reached success because she's hot.) As a male I'm privileged, the abuse I get is not comparable to those a woman has to live through, the comments over my aesthetic are centered only on my aesthetic and don't insinuate anything about my professionalism and my competence, while women are victims of this kind of thought in a systematic way. It happened though to find myself standing with a woman who while pulling me to herself to take a selfie, started licking my face out of the blue... I mean, what the hell do you want? Who asked you? Consent exists, and it's due." Damiano

Grow yourself – The only commandment

"To me conformism is the opposite of education [tn: could also mean "politeness"] and is the asphyxia of expression. I fortunately never endured heavy bullying, heavy enough for the the judgement of others to change me. But the mold of the small crumbs of bullying I got and of the kind of aggression that scars is the same. If I'm a kid who dances and likes dolls you have to let me do what I like. I was a kid who wanted to keep his hair long and played with Barbie. As a teen, my friends looked at my hair: " You have to find a girl with short hair to be at your side." My grandparents took away my dolls: "Stop it, they're not for you." Ethan

"When I was six I was already sick of them, the distinctions between masculine and feminine. I've always had strong ideas about how I wanted to be. I refused things that were typically defined as girly, and all around me they mocked me because I went skateboarding, I played soccer, I didn't wear skirts, I was giving myself the chance to be as I wished. I endured it a little, I suffered a little, but I had courage, and now thanks to that courage I know that I could have gotten even much more hurt, otherwise I would have left to others the most important choice: the one about myself." Victoria

Love in progress – Music, girlfriends

"I've been married to music for the last 20 years. I can't wait to celebrate our golden wedding anniversary." Ethan

"Everyone makes their own experiences, sometimes it goes well, sometimes it goes wrong, but it's always not anybody's business." Thomas

"When I first felt feelings and attraction towards a girl it was a bit disorienting because I had never had the courage of going beyond the limitations I had put for myself. For society being heterosexual is the norm and so you often define yourself in that way automatically, depriving yourself of the freedom to live many shades and faces of love. Once I overcame the initial insecurity of having to call into question my certainties I've lived my sexuality in a very natural and free way, as it should be for everyone." Victoria

"I had paparazzi at my door every day and night. So, after four years of relationship, I revealed her name. I still have paparazzi at my door every day and nigh, but at least I don't have to hide anything anymore." Damiano

The worth of the group – Phenomenology of protection

"The true engagement though, the true family is among ourselves, our band. We've believed in it since day zero, even before we called ourselves Måneskin (Moonlight in Danish), even before Ethan drew a giant moon on the flier for the first concert we ever did. We share everything, even the pain for the tragedy of Seid Visin, who committed suicide at 20 because of racism. [tn: I think the journalist asked them their opinion about Seid Visin's death, which was a current events topic in Italy, and then pasted it syntaxically in the middle of Thomas' answer, which was not a great move] A group is what we all should be: stay united and not back down an inch in the face of oppression that is generated by a distorted view of diversity." Thomas

I'm not of the right age – Like Gigliola [tn: Gigliola Cinquetti won Eurovision with her song "Non ho l'età", which means "I'm not of the right age"]

"Before you the only one who won both Sanremo and Eurovision on the same year was Cinquetti (1964). If there's anything I feel I'm not of the right age for? No, honestly no. Maybe having children. Regarding children I'll be honest: I'm not of the right age." Damiano

Having touched the sky – The fears that remain

"We're more than inside the dream, we're in the conquered dream. When you fly high there's the risk of plummeting and hurting yourself, but we'll work hard not to end up like Icarus, who burns his wings with the sun. Everything is in our hands. And this - a bit pretentiously - reassures us rather than scaring us." Damiano

[endlich-allein]

Promo "Liebe Ist Für Alle Da" (2009), Christoph "Doom" Schneider  — Interview by Philip Lageat, 16-11-2009, Nantes (Rock Hard #94)

Rock Hard : With six studio albums in the bag, it must be more and more difficult to establish a setlist. How do you deal with that ?

Christoph "Doom" Schneider : Strangely enough, we take our heads less at this level than in the studio. I am therefore going to surprise you by telling you that this is done as simply and naturally as possible, since we ultimately proceed in a very democratic way : each of us draws up a list of our favorite titles. We then compare the desideratas of each... and the majority wins, provided however that the songs chosen fit well into the show. We did it this time around and it worked really well, since we shared an identical opinion on many songs. Personally, I find that we have found a good balance between old songs and new songs. We play a lot of songs from our last album, Liebe Ist Für Alle Da, which suits me well because I admit that I was fed up with some old titles. I was almost sickened by playing them. So we discarded them, otherwise I think we would have quickly become jaded of the new show. So we had to be careful what we choose, because, given the special effects that we deploy on stage, it is quite difficult for us, after the fact, to make big changes in the setlist. It is that each of us must know precisely what to do, and where it must be, during each song : a misstep, a second of inattention, and you are toasted like a peanut ! (laughs) Anyway, a setlist usually follows you during a whole tour and I'm happy with it which, as I said, seems to me to be a happy medium, a pretty harmonious balance, between old and new songs.

RH : Twenty years ago almost to the day, on November 9, 1989, we witnessed the fall of the Berlin Wall. As an East German, do you remember this historic moment ?

Christoph : Yes, I was in town. In the middle of the night, I heard the radio announcing that people were destroying the Wall. It must be said that, for a few days already, the rumor had swelled that this was going to happen. But I stayed home because quite frankly, I couldn't believe it ! (laughs) It wasn't until a day or two later that I crossed the Wall for the first time to go west. At the risk of disappointing, I was therefore not one of those people we saw on TV riding the Wall and destroying it with a pickax or hammer. I remember I was of course delighted, but the shock was such that it took me a while to adjust to this new life : during the first two or three years, I had the feeling of not being able to be part of nothing and of everything at the same time, to evolve in a space of total freedom. To tell the truth, it was an extraordinary period ! In East Berlin, it was chaos. We squatted in houses where we organized huge parties... (smile) There were no rules and a sweet scent of anarchy hung in the air. Musically, we all continued to play with our respective bands and for a while it didn't go so badly. Until we realized that the situation had changed dramatically and that these bands belonged to a period from now on bygone, were from another age. We felt that the time had come to start a new adventure by creating another group. The foundations of Rammstein were laid... From the start, we defined what our sound should be. Very quickly we figured out that even if we rehearse hard, we would never be able to sound like an American band. That's why we tried to create something unique, which really looks like us.

RH : Do you remember the first concert you saw in the West ?

Christoph : It probably must have been an unknown punk band. But the first big gig I attended was a Red Hot Chili Peppers show at a tiny club. In 1990, it seems to me. They were not as popular then as they are today and did not perform in large venues yet. Before this concert, I had never heard of it. It was a Californian who was squatting at my house who told me that it was a good group and offered to go see it. When I think about it, I wonder what she and I could say to each other, since I couldn't get a word of English ! (laughs) Anyway, we went to this concert and I took a huge slap. Never before have I seen something so exciting ! This is an evening that I will never forget...

RH : Despite multiple internal friction, Rammstein has always kept the same line-up. How do you explain this stability ?

Christoph : Rammstein is only worth the sum of his individualities and their uniqueness. If one of us left, or whoever, we wouldn't be dealing with the same group. Rammstein would no longer be. So, it's true, there were tensions between us during the recording of the last album (see previous interview), but that's how Rammstein works. I believe in these guys... And then we always had a fight every time we set foot in the studio, and that, for any album. It's just that, when we were younger, we were able to find common ground faster because we were less stubborn and had less ego. Maybe we are too stressed out today when we work together, because we know it is going to be a long and painful process. And that, we find it more and more difficult to bear it. But for me that's a good thing, because these tensions are a blessing, in that they sharpen our creativity. Without them we would not achieve exciting results. We only yell at each other over simple taste issues : "I like it, why don't you like it too?". It's just that sometimes we tend to forget about it and take things too personal. At my level, I now tend not to want to impose my point of view if the majority does not think like me. Others, on the contrary, do not get along with age and refuse to give up even the smallest square inch of land (laughs). Hence endless heated discussions. Not to mention that the producer also has an opinion and that we therefore have to juggle the desires of seven people. You should know that for the most of us no longer get along with the producer (Editor's note: the Swede Jacob Hellner who has so far produced all of Rammstein's albums) in terms of choices and tastes. We have not changed, not evolved one iota. We are still able to develop this stupid energy in order to provoke, and I like that because some people expect us to mature with age, that we become more "adult". And here we are shooting a porn clip (Editor's note: allusion to the video for the single "Pussy") ! (laughs) We're still the same kids who, twenty years ago, were overflowing with youthful enthusiasm : "That's going to be a blast. So what are we waiting for ?"

RH : To conclude, do you really sell this box containing Six dildos that we could see on the Net ?

Christoph : (Visibly embarrassed) I have no answer to that question. I think this is more of a joke than a reality... And then who would buy this anyway ? (laughs)

© P.R. Brown (2009)