#not every good feeling is a healthy one
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Going on a tiny hiatus 💕 saw the way I was obsessively interacting with kink again, and need some time to be healthier about it again 💕
#this is your gentle reminder to check in with yourself too#not every good feeling is a healthy one#and thats fine!
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he says i hate everyone except you and that is addictive and that is kind of romantic and beautiful because you're young and you're kind of a sarcastic asshole too and you don't like bad boys, per say, but you don't really like good ones either. and you like that you were the exception, it felt like winning.
except life is not a romance book, and he was kind of being honest. he doesn't learn to be nice to your friends. he only tolerates your family. you have to beg him to come with you to birthday parties, he complains the whole time. you want to go on a date but - people are often there, wherever you're going. he's just so angry. about everything, is the thing. in the romance book, doesn't he eventually soften? can't you teach him, through your own sense of whimsy and comfort?
at first - you know introverts often need smaller friend groups, and honestly, you're fine staying at home too. you like the small, tidy life you occupy. you're not going to punish him for his personality type.
except: he really does hate everyone but you. which means he doesn't get along with his therapist. which means he has no one to talk to except for you. which means you take care of him constantly, since he otherwise has no one. which means you sometimes have to apologize for him. which means he keeps you home from seeing your friends because he hates them. you're the single exception.
about a decade from this experience, you'll type into google: how to know if a relationship is codependent.
he wraps an arm around you. i hate everyone except you. these days, you're learning what he's actually confessing is i have very little practice being kind.
#i used to think it was romantic too and then i was like. now i see it as a HUGE red flag#writeblr#it is also almost EXCLUSIVELY said by immature ppl who think this is normal#fyi even if u think it's funny and ur like 'im an introvert it's just TRUE' like. you need therapy (ily tho)#healed introversion is just ''i would prefer to be by myself'' not ''i hate every person'' ... hate is not normal. that is not healthy#im sorry. i know it feels accurate. but if you're walking around with that kind of rage....#1. you're making a LOT of assumptions about every single person u have ever met. which is often unfair and unkind#and also usually involves judging people based on their worst moments or little mistakes#2. you are being unfair to the person who is ur ''exception''#3. there is a VAST difference between ''ur my favorite person'' and ''the ONLY person i like.''#idk i think this is just a personal bias thing tbh#im sure there are people who have this experience normally#but i have YET to find a man who thinks like this and ISNT absolute DOGSHIT. although tbh.... like. im sure he exists#when u hit like 30 some of the things that were once kind of hot now just sound fucking exhausting. like ''im in a band''#edit in the tags: i used to kind of be like this too. but the thing is that like. my life became so much more peaceful#once i started believing that people are generally good. like yes i am mad at the world at large#but it's just.... a very hard way to live. you're not a bad person or wrong for the ways other people hurt you and taught you to be angry.#but that anger will continue to hurt YOU. it will punish YOU. it will prevent YOU from making new deep connections. it will protect you yes#but it will also cause MASSIVE blowback. bc if you lose the One Person... your life will fall apart. i know this personally.#i really recommend just trying to be... cautiously optimistic instead. like. yes#people can be horrible and cruel and there are some communities (incels for example) that aren't worth that optimism#but i think like... most people will hold a door for you . most people want to help you find your wallet .#i hope one day you are able to find peace. i hope that rage eventually smooths over. i know how hard it is PERSONALLY#and i know what must have happened to you. and im deeply deeply sorry we share the same wound.#but i promise - sometimes we all need someone else to help us carry the weight. eventually the rage has to die so that we can let help in#i had to spend years biting at outstretched hands. i still often do. im still very wary . and my heart breaks that you flinch too.#here's the thing: i don't blame you. but we were both acting out of fear and pain. .... not out of healthy behavior. and ... change#was needed. i needed change too. rage was useful for a while. then it just left me isolated and bitter. i had to (with effort)#choose to let that rage go. and let people in . VERY SLOWLY THO LOL
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Couples who are considering having kids ask yourself if you’re willing and have the physical, financial, and emotional capacity to care for a profoundly disabled child before getting pregnant challenge
#I’m fascinated by ‘regretful parents’ internet and half of them are literally because the kid is disabled#half of them are parents who feel bad that they brought a child into suffering against their will and you feel bad and the other half are#just like I hate my disabled kid#also majority of those parents say something along the lines of ‘having a disabled kid never crossed my mind’ and that baffles me#I have a whole slew of reasons I don’t want kids many of them more important#but one is that if my child was disabled I know I would not have the emotional capacity to provide unconditional love and support#I also don’t want to be pregnant so this would be like if I adapted a baby whatever you get what I mean#a big reason I don’t want kids in general is that I don’t believe I have the emotional capacity to love unconditionally and devote my entire#being to them which is what every child deserves in a parent#and it’s hard to blame those parents because you can see it#but it just confuses me how many of them are shocked#I get being upset but no they are shocked#I can’t wait to grow old with my future wife in a healthy relationship with no kids and so many pets#I can 100% say I would not be a good parent and I refuse to make a child suffer because I want to reap the benefits of parenthood#rae’s rambles
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here’s how percy-ratty-diggory polycule can still win-
#im not okay#i have had#so many complex feelings about the diggory and percy situation#episode 174 fucked me up so bad after the diggory and percy interaction that i stopped listening for a few weeks#percy and diggory were like. So Important to me and i just. Broke#i am catching up now#i’m currently mid-episode 176#and lord im. so sick and ill and i hope polyamory will fix them#please#pleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease#percy and diggory were such a Matched Set Do Not Separate in my head#not that their relationship was a healthy one but it was So Good and i wanted to see them grow#and maybe they have/will#also i am a ratty enjoyer its so silly and fun#also if i had a nickel for every time percy danced under the water with a bad bitch and pulled them with his tboy swag#i would have two nickels#like THEY DANCED. UNDER THE WATER. THEY. THAT HAS TO MEAN SOMETHING LIKE FUCK#praying to the polyamory gods please please please#hfth#percy reed#ratty hfth#diggory graves#hello from the hallowoods
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One of my favorite character traits that Junpei has is how as much as he's protective and caring to his favorite people and impulsively jumps into danger to help others if he has an opportunity to without wanting anything in return and highly values the promises he makes he just seems to also always be more curious than he is sensible or empathetic, he gets so caught up on the horrors he sees but he has such a hard time looking away, he's right to analyze and be intrigued by the ninth man's remains but he stands around staring at it until he pukes, in the showers you can interact with the wall behind which lies "Snake's" corpse and he will pick up more details about it each time you click on it until he has to mentally rip himself away because it's not that he can't keep looking at it it's that he better look away and focus on getting out, and the way he talks to Clover about the body with every minutiae she wouldn't want to hear is like his brain connects faster to his mouth than it can connect to his sense of morality sometimes which I guess turned out to be a good thing in this one case or just good common sense in general like there's other minor things he blurts out at times, he's stated to not have tact be his strongest suit, he's insensitive on accident trying to fumble through interactions even if he's entirely confident on what he's saying he's soo sharp when he has a goal in mind but he's soo dense if he's trying to just exist my man is so traumatized and his brain always seems to default to taking the most of any given situation in as possible to desensitize himself instead of any other response and sometimes it pushes his mind to be so single mindedly entranced on not ending up that way too that he'll describe a mangled body in excruciating detail to a grieving relative even if that's his friend and even if he feels guilty about it immediately as soon as he catches up with what just left his mouth instead of staying in his thoughts
#I did it I made a post about Junpei without talking about the Kurashikis!!#I am... still doing that here in the tags because that's how this train of thought started but... akdhsk#like I just started thinking how even in the everything is fine and junepei still has the capacity to be a healthy couple AU in my head#he would still have moments™ like this#how he would make invasive little questions about uncomfortable things to reminisce about#not realize he's overstepping right away not deal in the best way with Akane's meltdowns if she's doing bad enough to have them#kind of like in door 3 as in still being touchy and stuff but nothing bad on purpose#nothing like pushing her around like I still can't believe he canonically does in zero tiem dilemma#but yeah basically that's it that's the post I like Junpei a lot despite not being as present in my every waking thought as other character#and I love this about him love that he isn't just completely heroic that he has to struggle a bit#he's a protagonist that feels so generic for the first few minutes but he's anything but the more you play#I love how No One in ze is a good flawless person the way stories usually portray#they have quirks and hang ups that they are capable of doubling down on or turning for the worse under circumstances that push them to#again not. really including zerotiemdillema on that one but you get what I mean#zero escape#zero escape spoilers#999 spoilers#junpei 999#junpei tenmyouji#every character in this series who ultimately wants to do good has to struggle so much with the horrors around them and in themselves for i#and then there still aren't right simple answers and they still try for the slim possibility that things can be okay this time and I love i#escape room convention but it's a time loop
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i like overthink everything now it makes me feel so dumb. i used 2 be able to just talk 2 ppl but nowadays every single thing im like Is that actually going to make them hate me. Yes probably. and then i just dont respond which makes ppl hate me. this is how it is
#ive been overthinking 1 light and casual mildly funny response to something but im worried itll come off as disrespectful and dismissive And#make me seem stupid and uncaring all at the same time. and also be seen as insulting. but like idt itd be insulting right like. im not#saying what it is so ig for all you guys know im like I mean if i say All your shit suck ball and i hateit kys. <- thats not the thing i was#going to say#like it doesnt matter now the window for response is closed now but i feel stupid bc i shouldve just said it it was light and casual. im so#bad at keeping convos gojng im convinced im not going to survive. In like a light and casual way like in a He will not make it through the#winter joke way. dw. im not going to do anything bc i had One failed interaction. if i was going to do anythjng itd be bc of the 8000000#other failed interactions. But im not. anyways. it just makes me feel so useless 😭 like i want to respond i want to talk to ppl so bad but#i feel like i mess things up Irreparably every time i speak OR i take too LONG overthinking my response and then i just cant respond bc its#been too long and then its been 3 years and the only messages ive ever sent r my intro message and 1 message 2 years ago that nobody#responded to at all. or the conversation stopped immediately after. and like i used to be better at this i was lkke. talkative in a couple#muts servers like. i talked 2 ppl daily in those servers and i had fun and like. I was an important part of the group and i felt like it#but i just feel like such an outsider for Everything and its literally my fault bc i cant just like. Talk. The explosion. bc im always like#im gonna try im gonna do it this time im gonna get it back im going to finally be Good connor and im going to fix it all and make a Good#solid friend group and ill find HEALTHY LOVE and i wont selfsabotage and ill move out and have a job and ill balance it well and ill start#all my hobbies and ill have a great routine and be so loveable and on top of it and not stressed and content and happy and roll with the#punches and then theres a single hiccup and im like Well fuckinf whatever im going to be an unemployed hermit forever and im going to die b4#im 25 anyways so Who cares and also im digging a little hole for myself. and its like. AUGHH ik i just have to persevere and overcome but#even saying that feels so stupid its not fucking hard its Talking to ppl. like. i literally if ive ever said a word to you i had to think#avt it and strategize how to respond right even for like. like. it makes it sound like its not genuine it is#like for example i want to say hey i love your art! but then i freak out and im like thats not normal thats like a rly generic comment they#hear that all the time theyll thjnk im being polite and my brains like hrmmm rewrite Your art changed my life. It shaped me. Ill never be#the same. Nad im like ok too far overcorrected go back and the sentence generator is like Your art has colors 💯 like. GOD. WHY IS IT SO#difficult. and then usually i either just dont say anythinf and feel awful abt it 4ever OR i send it on anon and then i spend like 15#minutes ibsessively slightly tweaking the apelling and capitalization and punctuation to make sure it doesnt seem like its me just in case#it Is the worst possible thing to say but then i see the response and itll be like AWWW TYSM :] THIS MEANS A LOT or whathaveyou and i feel#stupid bc i couldve just Told them this to their face and it wouldve been a good positive interaction we had. but instead i had 2 hide and#tyoe entirely differently so they couldnt sniff me from my typing style. and it soesnt even feel like the thanks is actually 4 me bc i#tweaked the message sm. and it still makes me happy that the oersons hapoy but its like. that couldve been a nice mutual interaction#like not that i need a personal ty i compliment ppl when i Want to compliment ppl and when its genuine yk. i dont do it so i get mutualpoint
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"Ariel was stupid like she gave up her life in the ocean for a boy-" Well, if you actually watch the movie, before she even meets Eric, Arield shows interest in going to the surface and learning the ways of the humans. She collects artifacts and hides them, along with her trips to the surface from her father, who is prone to anger and hates her interest. He blows up her cave filled with said artifacts and bans her from ever going back to the surface (and seeing Eric, but the surface aspect and him go hand and hand). You want me to believe that you wouldn't book it at the first opportunity you got? Like yeah, the context of the deal was sketchy as hell, but when your dad is the literal ruler of all the seas you don't have many options. Also, in the sequel, Ariel is still connected to the ocean and can go back, especially after Ursula's sister dies so, in all honesty, my girl still wins in the end.
#the little mermaid#the little mermaid (2023)#tlm#tlm2#ariel#princess ariel#like the big wave of hating princesses comes up again & again but sometimes some of yall just want to hate over things that makes sense#i might make a post about cinderella too bc im tired of yall victim blaming around her all the time#ariel got her man a new life & her old life and two kingdoms? my girl was winning!#that's why she's still one of my faves#“she's not a good role model!” well not every fictional character has to be but if u want that than maybe look at how#it's important to have healthy relationships with your kids & be able to talk with them so they don't hide things & seek out dangerous peopl#prepare them for the dangers of bad people while your at it so they can avoid being hurt as much as possible (within their capabilities)#even the og message wasn't that bad: u can find love & happiness without giving up your old life or your interest#and even if you don't feel like the message was that great there's an opportunity to talk with your kids and educate them on it#maybe even see their opinions on why they might feel differently and work from there instead of calling a fictional teenage girl “stupid”
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doing this amazing new thing called eating well EVERY DAY and drinking enough water EVERY DAY and trying to get a bit of a healthy walk in EVERY DAY and sleeping at least 7 hours EVERY DAY... and then looking at my Fitbit stats like a nerd to see what happens EVERY DAY... will let you know if anything interesting does happen
#because i need to take care of myself as well as my virtual pets and plants AT LEAST#but for some reason thats not nearly as fun#anyways fitbits are almost like gamifying self care to me#and so is reporting on things to my blog like a shitty scientist hahaha#i will say in the first few days of this my resting heart rate / heart rate variability has improved already#and i just feel better like. more steady with my energy/hunger and less thirsty for sure#my current meals are overnight oats + fruit and then like veggies and brown rice and chicken stir fries#just drinkin coffee and water and the occasional fresca#also some avocado eggs n toast if i want#not gonna lie i straight up asked ChatGPT to make me a meal plan that was healthy and not too expensive or hard to make hahaha#also one of my inspirations is watching the youtuber who makes bento boxes for her husband every day#i watch them as comfort asmr and they always make me want to cook something and pack a lunch#'imamu room' on YouTube seriously good stuff#i love the little catchphrase on her channel 'lets survive another week' hahaha#motivates me to want to DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN EVERY WEEK#p
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i hate this i hate everything i hate being alone
#vent#tw vent#i finally found someone who i really like and is GOOD to me#and i foolishly thought i wouldn't have to be alone anymore#but i was wrong and now they're being taken away from me#why does this have to hurt so bad#am i really going to cry for an hour every single night from now on when they're gone#this is just cruel#and i'm not even ALONE alone#my dog just came to me for scritches#but without them i FEEL alone#why#why does everything have to be so bad right now#i just want to be healthy again#i want my best friend back#i just want one more night with them the way things used to be#just one more#i promise i won't take them for given again#when will this nightmare be over
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see the craziest thing is i have nothing to complain about atp but i still just wanna die sometimes. like whats up with that? everything is FINE. LITERALLY. you dont even FEEL BAD.
#like im not gonna do it#but why do i still think like that sometimes#like i really will remember the ONE time i made a mistake MONTHS ago and my brain will go#oop time to self harm#time to kill yourself#you mean you SLIGHTLY flubbed a social interaction in a way NO ONE ELSE NOTICED#you deserve pain suffering and death#go to hell#i have a ton of friends who love me#all of my teachers love me#i have great grades#i spend lots of time on my hobbies#i have as good a relationship with my family as i ever will#i get plenty of sleep every night#i eat a good amount of healthy food every day#i exercise more than i have in a while#i feel confident in myself and dont even hate looking in the mirror ever#tw sui ideation#three pigeons in a trench coat
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This just in, local struggler severely overestimates how much they can eat yet again. Left with half a bowl of ramen and a sad, sad heart
#speculation nation#it's homemade at least so im not wasting money on fancy ramen#but i Hate this man it sucks 😭😭😭😭#i keep losing weight bc i can never eat enough#and i was like 'ok lets make a ramen thats a good sized meal' but then i cant FINISH it#forced myself to finish all the eggs at least and now im just picking at the peas. ugh.#at this rate im gonna have to start drinking ensures more regularly again#bc i havent gotten to the underweight phase yet but if it keeps going like this then i will#like it was. excuse me talking about my weight for a bit but im a tad bit concerned about it#but back before i started adderall back in uhh. september?? i think?? or october???#fuck if i remember. been a few months tho. but also not That long.#anyways i was at like. 140lbs at the doctor and like 137lbs at home (relevant bc clothes weight. rest of this will be at home weights)#and ive had such shit appetite that ive been watching it go down and down. like at least a pound a week. sometimes two pounds.#and now im at 123lbs. which is a solid almost 15 lbs lost in like 3 ish months. which is kind of a lot when ur small to begin with.#also a little alarming when u see this happen like a pound lower between every shower. bc i tend to check before i shower.#& i often shower every 4 days or so. when im in the Rotting Era and all. aka i dont rly go outside much.#and like 123lbs still isnt bad for 5'3“ but i think 107lbs is the cutoff for underweight. and im halfway there.#and now see i was about this weight a few years back so in one respect it's nice to fit into some of my older pants again#but at the same time..thats too quick!!! thats not healthy!!!! but when i try to eat more i Cant!!! it makes me nauseous!!!!!#so back in early 2020 when i was dipping under 110lbs bc of meds stuff i got onto ensure and it did help. so maybe i need to again.#just..blegh. i just kinda feel empty all the time. like stomach-wise. but not Hungry. it's a problem.#gotta come up with ways to eat that dont rely on my stomach to tell me when to eat. bc it's definitely not doing a good job at that.#weight mention/#and like see ive been eating 2 meals a day on average but i was doing that before too!!!!!!#but i think it's bc i cant Finish my meals half the time that's really causing problems.#staring at my half eaten bowl of ramen very grumpily. it has now been long enough that it's kind of gross.#and my arms hurt. just bc my bone aches have decided to flare up again. very grumpy.#negative/#i guess lol
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aurhrhrgrg I hate homophobia I hate needing to teach just to live my life
#camera talks#‘why do you make every character and thing gay’#BECAUSE I DONT GET TO SEE MYSELF ON THE SCREEN OKAY#I’m Sorry I cried in my room after watching I saw the tv glow#and I’m Sorry every little onscreen kiss between two people of the same gender will make me tear up#and I’m Sorry hearing someone play pretend with made up things in their mind#that they ‘always’ make gay#upsets you. but I don’t get to see myself up there !!!#I Don’t get to see (healthy) poly relationships. I Don’t get to see trans people who are like me in borderline Anything !!!#and when I do I’m gonna fucking cherish it if it’s done well#and if it’s not then yeah I’m gonna hc characters to be trans. gay. poly. aro. ace. queer.#everything. cuz that’s me and fuck off I want to feel like I exist in media without being ‘unnecessary representation’#ITS JUST REPRESENTATION. ITS JUST PEOPLE PLEASE#fuck sorry. this made me really mad and I wish I could be at home to cry I don’t feel good#also what I mean by teach to live my life is I shouldn’t Have to be the one to teach people not to be homophobic#but I have to just to live my life and it makes me so upset#auagahgs. also for the record I don’t make every character and thing gay. I have quite a few m#-m/f relationships and characters I like. and also straight and cis characters I like so anywayss
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It's so sucks because "sorry I'm so mean to you it's bc I'm too afraid to be mean to anyone else and I at least can be assured you'll never leave me even if you hate me and I'm really kind of a mean snarky person but that energy has nowhere to go" isn't a good reason or apology but it is the best I have sometimes. People will tell me they think I'm really nice and I get so confused bc I know I am not but then I remember that I'm so scared of making one wrong move with someone I respect that I would sooner bend over backwards and cut off my own limb then be even a hint of rude to them. What a dream that is, to be so comfortable with someone that I'm okay being an asshole sometimes. Intentionally, even, not just 'I didn't understand and there was miscommunication', no, like... snapping or getting mad or fighting or being wrong or saying something a little too cutting bc I'm angry. Not that I want to hurt someone. But I don't Do that. Even the first thing in this post was an exaggeration bc I am constantly checking myself and ignoring myself to be just that little bit easier to manage for them. Wow. Imagine if one day I was fully wholly myself with someone. I can't, actually, because to me that sounds like the worst thing I could do to a person who I love. Wow, doesn't that suck.
#tide of consciousness#(Points at 'expressing any emotion healthily') is this 'burdening my loved ones'?#Number one motto: just get through it and get it over with and deal with it (DON'T DO THIS)#if I just repress every feeling and complaint and emotion I can do anything. I can be anything. Heart#WHO AM I??? WHO AM I??? WHO AM I???#I'm so survival strategies. I can get through anything. I can survive through anything. I'm so healthy and surviving#I am not thriving and I am not having fun but I am alive and that is good! Enough#Short of killing me nothing could stop me from being alive.#'Obsessed with characters who become the quest' guy found to have become the quest#Loop killing siffrin and taking their place is a metaphor for me passing highschool and going to college
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🤞
#exams did go fairly well#hopefully nothing worse than a B but i think an A is certainly possible in at least one of them#so hopefully 🥹🥹#i did study quite a bit not as much as i hoped for but a step up from my lack of effort the last few weeks#so hopefully i can get back to better routines now#i mean i do know probably many didn't study at all for these exams as they were not that serious#buuut if you want a good grade i feel like you have to at least i studied for like 2-3 days altough i would have liked to study for a week#also my schedule is just insane i think but then maybe it's just me idk#my time management is not the best but i still wonder how others would do with so many classes and extra activities#i have like 20 classes this semester + 2 exams i intend to take extra#i'm not attending all of them that wouldn't be possible and i'm not sure i can take all the exams but i'm happy if I manage like 17 or so#but like a normal amount is 10 classes a semester in my country but in reality most students don't take this many either#well i'm basically enrolled in two programms atm so there's that ig#but often i'm just wondering when i'm gonna study#i also play tennis a lot and competiting for my club (at a rec level)#and i'm training for this entrance exam for sports (i'm currently studying teaching with other subjects + English)#altough this is making me question if i'm fit for this everyday 🫠 i'm fairly good at 2 things ball sports and just like general athleticism#we also need to dance do gymnastics and swim i struggle with all of them#i'm not fast enough at swimming and my technique is bad i can't even do a cartwheel and a bad dancer 😭#the requirements are really high though i mean when i think of people i know from tennis or football no one would even get there closely#like i was the fastest at my former football club (and at every uni football course) and i might just barely cut it for sprinting#and i'm really quite athletic when playing tennis my opponents always notice and coordinated in sports as well#but somehow coordination for gymnastics is not the same?😅 how can i be so graceful playing tennis and most sports with balls but so clumsy#otherwise like doing a handstand... no balance 🥲#but anyways i also do like general fitness stuff going to the gym running a bit and trying to eat healthy#but my studying hours are very limited often tmrw i have uni from half 2 until 8pm in the evening and i have a preparation course for sports#before uni starts at half 10#i just really get the urge to drop everything sometimes 🥲 i also wanna see friends again more not just at uni and in the bus#i miss my semesters with 10 courses a week it was beautiful so much freedom and free time 🥹#uni was so enjoyable back then... don't get me wrong i enjoy most of my uni courses what i not enjoy is not having any time to myself
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my mother is absolutely convinced of some nonsense conspiracy theory that (in her words) "originally humanity lived in peaceful all-woman societies of goddess worshippers who took care of eachother and lived in harmony, while males were roving loners that had no society and never cooperated. that changed when the men banded together and overthrew the peaceful woman-dominated societies, and enslaved us all." and, according to her, this is proof that a woman-dominated world would be innately more peaceful, and that men are innately violent and evil and should be either barred from holding any legal power or leadership roles or at least should be (again in her words) "gelded like bulls" to remove their testosterone before even being considered for such a thing.
she also evidently believes that the problem with all religions today is primarily that they aren't "goddess worshippers", because she seems to think goddess religions are inherently peaceful and pure too and seems to be especially obsessed with "Isis" in particular. the very very few times she's openly considered it unambiguously bad for some population or another to have been exterminated (she's got a bad case of devil's advocating genocide brain), she's gone out of her way to make up some crap about how said people were a peaceful society of goddess-worshippers, almost always of isis. delusions of isis-worship seem to be the only thing that ever causes her to consider any arab or middle-eastern culture, society, or ethnicity to be relatively uncomplicatedly undeserving of extermination, in fact, because every fucking time she doesn't immediately start devils-advocating it and making remarks about how "the rest of the world should box them in and let them blow eachother up" it's when she's whinging on about how whatever specific micro-ethnicity she's thinking about are or were traditional persecuted isis-worshippers.
the sole major exception to her weird fixation on isis worship justifying worthiness of life is the whole israel thing going on, in which she has consistently made very obvious that literally the only reason she's against the genocide of palestine is because it gives her an excuse to even more openly hate jewish people than she already did. and honestly i'm not sure even that's true because i think she's made some offhand remarks about palestinians having probably been peaceful isis worshipers before the jews infected them with christianity or something anyway.
so for the last, however fucking long it's been i've been constantly having to listen to her go off about how this behavior is in the jew's blood or whatever and that they literally invented all genocide because somehow the concept didn't exist before them and wouldn't have ever been invented by the rest of humanity without those jewish aliens dropping it in i fucking guess apparently and she furthermore goes on about how every single genocide and mass-oppression movement in history is directly inspired by them, ESPECIALLY the nazis, and THEN i have to listen to her rant about how, basically, wwii was something they entirely brought on themselves by "dominating the economy and treating everyone not them like shit" and the nazis were just "using their own tactics back at them". and then she goes on a rant about how the people the original jews exterminated back in the day (aka the first ever genocide, which they invented, because jews invented genocide and hate according to her) in the middle east region were peaceful matriarchal isis-worshipers.
and then she starts making comments about arabs being backwards and palestinians either being mysogynist muslims that should be boxed in to blow eachother up with everyone else or secret peaceful isis worshippers corrupted by men's cruel hand, sometimes in the same sentence, entirely dependent on which group she's more in the mood to hate at the time.
it's exhausting. beyond exhausting. her sole purpose in existence seems to be to have the singularly most exhausting set of politics physically possible to fit into one person.
just, sometimes i think, if there really is anything at all to the incredibly stupid and inexplicably popular idea that anyone or anything has a Purpose tm to exist for, i feel like my mother's purpose is to be walking proof to me of a Type Of Guy That Is Real, cause i sure as fuck would have trouble inventing this mess if it wasn't standing right in front of me spewing confusingly bipartisan hate. all of her thoughts and opinions are these long winding nonsense chains that feel like if that man carrying thing sketch about the friend with confusing politics was a person. on meth.
#and sometimes i feel like she just believes whatever will allow her to hate and feel innately superior to the most people#the fact that this woman considers herself a leftist#... well. given what this country just voted for it looks unfortunately likely that she IS in fact a fairly average example of a leftist#and therefore i have zero remaining hope for or particular desire to save humanity#actually it kind of feels like the only reason she really aligns herself with “the left” is because she's a female supremacist#and the left is the closest thing to a movement in that direction compared to the only current alternate party's “lets undo women's rights”#and also she inexplicably hates trump despite constantly devils-advocating for him and how he “has some good ideas”#and yes she does specifically mean about immigrants and the wall. one of her staunchest positions is pro-closed borders#honesty if trump was a woman and not a misogynist sex pest i think she would like him a lot. even despite his blatant ignorance of economic#she's also a big “anti-wokeist” type and we can barely watch any movies anymore without her whining about there being black people in them#and then she's like “PEOPLE ONLY DON'T WANT TO WATCH MOVIES WITH ME BECAUSE MY THEORIES ARE ALWAYS RIGHT AND THEY'RE JEALOUS OF HOW SMART”#she's nominally anti-corporation but in practice tends to come down on their side and is also staunchly against student loan forgiveness#because she thinks that “anyone who's stupid enough to do that deserves it”#and “it would be a slap in the face to ME and everyone else that had to pay”#and “kids these days don't want to develop healthy financial habits so they can SAVE for things. i SAVED for it and i know how HARD it is”#the way she often talks i also increasingly feel like the only actual reason she hates christianity is because she's a female supremacist#especially since she regularly goes on about biblical things as if they're real and complains that god either must be a woman#because “only women can create”#or that god CLEARLY is a man because he's destructive and evil and Destruction is a Man Thing That All Men And Only Men Innately Do#and likes to talk about how “jesus said he would come back as the least of us so he would be a woman”#and then goes on to describe a woman that sounds suspiciously like her. or at least her perception of herself#she's also said that if she wasn't straight she would be a political lesbian by choice because she hates men so much#and has tried repeatedly to bitch at me about men in an “eyyy amirite sister” kind of way#and got mad when i didn't fancy the idea of sitting there joking with her about half the species being barely-sentient cancer nodes#but she ALSO identifies as sapiosexual despite having the most vanilla housewife smut book taste ever#but ALSO she considers every single other sexuality aside from straight and gay to be made up woke mental illness nonsense!#so according to her the only orientations are “normal”. gay. and sapiosexual. and SOMETIMES bi (but no pan or poly).#i'm fairly sure she's convinced asexuality isn't real and is just repression. she certainly acts like i never said anything every time.#unless she's explosively yelling at me for “always bringing it up” when i tell her to stop making jokes about me being attracted to things#and she thinks anything other than monogamy is “selfish” and “exists only for men to abuse women”. especially muslim and arab men.
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I think it's really funny when fundies are also super into the crunchy lifestyle like bestie your whole system is based on a dude with magical powers born from a virgin you can take a tylenol and stop feeding your infant raw milk now
#I always bring it up#but me @ my aunt that scoffed at me for using my nebulizer while actively having a severe asthma attack#and I mean severe I had to use double my dosage before I could breathe without wheezing and coughing again#I 100% should've been in the hospital#I respect the crunchy life when it's shit like colds and scrapes and aches#absolutely not when it's an asthma attack or PCOS#and doubly not when your CHILD is the sick one#I assume most of the crunchiness comes from the adversion to medicine over prayer#because that implies that there are things that can't be prayed away#And it implies that if you pray and stay healthy that's proof of your worth and praying power#So when someone does get sick and/or die well that's just apart of his plan at least you can say you didn't fight his plan#It's not a preventable illness if you ignore/don't learn how to prevent it /j#every day I wake up and learn another disease raw milk can give you /j#ED tw#And everyday I use to wake up to my stepmom doing a different 'diet'#They 100% encouraged eating disorders both in restricting and binging#Feel bad? Eat food and pray about it! Feel good? Fast and pray about it!#Either way you should feel like you're on the Truman Show with every bite you take#your health becomes a moral issue not a natural one#it becomes a temple and not your vessel#ex christian#religious trauma
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