#i want my best friend back

[queerstudiesnatural]

current moodboard

[coconurt]

i hate this i hate everything i hate being alone

[dyinggoosenoises]

chat i miss her

[senrrrra]

Massive stupid narc rant under cut!!! I'm experiencing Narcissistic collapse. (Katie pls pls pls don't read I told Nathan I wouldn't say anything)

I've been having a fucking crash for a week now or something. It's been fucking hell. I wake up and I'm sad and miserable and want to break and destroy something or just everything. There's this pit in my stomach I can't get rid of.

Then I wonder, "oh, can I fix this? Can I help it at all?" and foolishly google it, hoping among all the horrible articles about how much I suck and how manipulative and abusive I must be there might be something good. But all that does is make me think about how my best friend reads all this shit, firmly believed it, and wants fucking nothing to do with me and is probably happy I'm gone. After almost 2 years, knowing me so well and me genuinely thinking we were friends, he decided I'm actually just shit and can't be trusted because he learnt something about me. He'd probably be happy if I fucking dropped dead! Then I wouldn't be a "threat to Nathan's safety".

I want to fucking sprint 300 miles in the other direction, go to the nearest town, get a job and change my name. I want to disappear. By being around Nathan, I'm causing these issues. People thinking I'm hurting him just by being a narcissist and existing around him. I can't say or do anything without having somebody be like "oh I feel bad for him/I'm worried for him, being stuck with a narcissist as a husband".

The options are to hide my NPD from everybody and hope new friends don't find out. If they find out, they'll be like oh I've been lied to and manipulated this whole time and I'll lose somebody else I've gotten close to.

Other option is to be upfront and immediately scare people off and feel so fucking unloved and hated. Having people en masse telling me I'm worth less than mud (something that was said to me when I was banned from a server for saying I was a narcissist) would do absolutely miracles for my mental health I'm sure!!!

I'm a fucking day away from shooting myself dead and I'm not even fucking joking. I'm so miserable. I could just wander out of the house one day and Nathan would never find me again. Oh, but then I'm in my head like "you're being abusive, manipulative, you're threatening suicide and you're an abusive fucking narcissist" and I'm stuck in this fucking CYCLE.

I'm suicidal because I feel so fucking hated and rejected by everybody but this suicidal ideation makes me feel even worse about being a narcissist, which makes the suicidal thoughts worse. Nobody can fucking help me. There's no resources on how to help me. Only on how to protect yourself from a narcissist's crash. Because we're going to abuse and fucking kill you, I guess.

I just want to kill myself, that's it. I feel so horrible. I feel like I shouldn't fucking front ever again. I don't deserve to exist or even fucking breathe. I hope I get stabbed to death on my way home. I hope a train runs the bus over on my way to work. I hope my chest pain is actually serious and causes my heart to stop. I hope our house catches on fire while Nathan's at work (and all of his belongings are okay, I'm the only thing damaged and killed). I hope I just stop living. Please. The fucking universe won't let me have peace or mercy for a SECOND.

I'm hated by my family, friends, partners. All my life. My whole life. People are afraid of me because of BPD and now for NPD, I'm hated. I'm treated as this horrible fucking monster with no remorse or care. I must be hurting Nathan in some way. I've become so hyper vigilant of how I act with him because I'm so scared I'm actually narc abusing him and have no fucking clue. I genuinely don't even want to be friends with him at all anymore because I can't fucking handle this. I don't want to cause more problems with his friends. I don't want to cause problems with his potential future friends. I'm so afraid of making life terrible for those closest to me.

My family made me think I made life horrible and terrible for them just by existing. I cost too much, I cried too much, I talked too much, I laughed too much, I did everything too much. I made everything so difficult for them. My friends made me feel this way. My partners made me feel this way. I'm the common denominator. I must actually be this horrible.

Fuck I should actually just die, huh? I'm really stuck like this forever. It's only a matter of time before everything goes horribly wrong and I'm the common denominator again. I shouldn't be around anybody.

[inkskinned]

okay is she being actually immature or is it just a woman over 30 expressing a human experience you find to be immature.

like yeah. at certain ages... let shit go. im not defending the real immature shit. im not defending the karen you're picturing. i worked in retail i hate those people too. (once somebody got mad at me because she didn't like how our winter window decor was a snowman smoking a pipe. i wish i was joking).

but men at 57 will write books about how 17 year old girls are soooo sexy. they will invent worlds where women have to be naked for "armor reasons." they will write songs that treat women as objects. people rush to defend them. meanwhile a woman at 35 will be like "heartbreak is hard, actually" or "i feel betrayed by a friend" or "i am struggling with something emotionally." immediately people will say stuff like this woman is 35 by the way. by the way this woman is SO OLD to be experiencing this. BY THE WAY.

im 31, almost 32. the other day a poet was blasted online because at her "big age", she had written a poem about feeling unloved. top comment was "this woman is 29 by the way." this woman is too old to still be useful, by the way. she has to behave better . maybe if she was a good wife and mother she could stop existing loudly, and the story could continue on without her. this woman has served her purpose, by the way. she's so cringe, by the way. at 29 - so old! - she still hasn't figured out that her existence should be one of shame.

[dungeonsanddominatrix5e]

.

[chloesimaginationthings]

Cassidy loves to scare the FNAF night guards..

[halswritesstuff]

a passion turned regret

poems

the start of our end

yet here i am

writing another

as i grieve

not a death

but a departure

a goodbye

all because

i sent you some poems

[ragingextrovert]

.

[bread-that-draws]

Flowey’s so funny and has me so fucked up like he’s a talking flower. He tries to kill you upon your first interaction. He is ten years old. He is damaged beyond repair. He’s a flower named Flowey. He’s become friends with every single character. He’s killed all of them countless times. He knows everything about everyone. He doesn’t care anymore. He takes care of his mom when she can’t take care of herself. He’s killed her before. He doesn’t care if you kill her. He thinks she’s trying to replace him. He just wants to be himself again. He wants to destroy everything. He hates you. You’re the only one who understands him. He wants his best friend back. He’s terrified of them. He believes in kill or be killed because he died by giving mercy to the wrong person. He believes himself to be the wrong person. He doesn’t understand when you show him that kindness he showed others, even when you know he could kill you for it. He’s tried every route. He asks you if you have anything better to do when you try to do the same. He’s a direct reflection of the player. He’s a fucking talking flower named flowey and his only voice line is by Ronald McDonald and his officially licensed plush does a little dance for you

[24601orwhatever]

KYLE ADAMS as GRANTAIRE

mastered by @bikinibottomdayz

[scary-monsters]

what y’all know abt mgs ⁉️ idk much but i like the blonde british villain (surprise surprise)

[felassan]

What kind of spirit do you think Felassan waz?

Swag

[azuphere]

welcome back cat and bear save the world ft. dan suggesting the cat paws pose <3

(bonus photos + twitter link will be included under the cut!)

feel free to repost and/or crop me out but credit to this og post would be appreciated!!

twitter link: (x)

tumblr videos: possibly pending

bonus photos ft. me originally forgetting the cat and bear headbands:

special shoutout to the headband that i crafted myself + the bracelets that i gave dnp 📢 (the bracelets were originally supposed to be like a lil crown on each of them but it made it too heavy and kept falling off 😪)

[boygirlctommy]

hate getting attached to characters. like okay what if there was a 16 year old kid whos abrasive and loud and kindof rude. what if he hates being told what to do but would follow two people to the ends of the earth. what if he raised himself what if every day was a fight to stay alive what if he just wants to hold onto the people he has left. what if hes childish and emotional, because hes a kid for fucks sake.

[xulips]

grouping them together. the bestos