#i want my hot weather back
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#rain.stuff#i want my hot weather back#i want my best friend back#i want to sleep#i want to never set foot in a train station again#i want gloves#i want a time machine and a teleportation machine#and i want infinite battery on my phone
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get these boys summer uniforms and cold beverages Stat
#my art#jujutsu kaisen#jjk#itadori yuuji#fushiguro megumi#itafushi#megumi#yuuji#fanart#jjk fanart#missed opportunity keeping them in the same uniforms year round :// we could have had suns out guns out yuuji smh#also i am continually perplexed by yuuji's uniform in particular#is he wearing a hoodie underneath ??? is the red Attached to the rest of it????#like. during sukuna's shibuya rampage when it shows the back ripped (vibes btw)#there is No trace of red tht would indicate there being another layer#so i am ??????#i actually dont know if Any of them wear their own shirts under their uniforms. sometimes it looks like megumi is ???#other times ???????#pls i need answers this dilemma takes up so much mental real estate#whatever . /I/ want them to have another layer. fr ~flavour~#anyway . summer my beloathed <3 my enemy <333#at least i can draw itfs cooling off to cope#i do NOt want hot weather . neither does megumi. look at him hes dying
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thrilled with the unexpected return of cheongsam mona tbh~~~
#she’s so cute in it!!!!!!!!! our princess frrrrrr#i hope she had lots of delicious bāo after the filming~~~~ she deserves that much~~~~#though. cursed confession here but i never truly understood why cheongsams are portrayed as alluring outfits as media tbvh#to me it’s just the thing i had to wear as a kid for cny and [insert school cultural event] (when the weather was too hot for my kebaya)#hmmmm. maybe it’s because of the slit? yeah it’s probably because of the slit huh…#but man. im reminded of this rather cursed event that happened eons ago whenever i see cheongsams… i dont think i wore them again after that#which was. y’know. probably for the best. they’re not exactly the easiest dresses to wear while climbing up into a truck… but i digress!!!!!#anyways!!! if you’ve read this far i might as well tell you my favourite thing to say in chinese~~~ ready~~~?#我要回家 (wo[tone 3] yào huí jiā): ‘i want to go home’#dang phone keyboard you just hate hanyupinyin dont you </3#but yeah that’s the first phrase i taught my non-mandarin speaking (then)coworker just for fun a few months back. fun times~~~~~~#可是,我现在好累��……所以我真的很想��觉……再见大家!
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Recent-ish things ~
#photo diary#1 - love this image of Noodle.. such a weird angle that makes his head look entirely round like a puff ball or something#2 - a more recent (still from months ago) collection of my pressed flowers and 4 leaf clovers I found.#3. Being one of the only people in 2024 still going 'hee heee I've just bought a new wii game!' but.. I have. >:3#It's kind of like Wii Sports Resort but is like.. open world? so your character can actually walk around and stuff. REALLY makes me#wish I had the type of set up where I could record video from my wii and stuff like some gaming youtubers have. I think it'd be a really#fun game to play on video and to DOCUMENT it!!! I keep wishing I could screenshot my little guy walking around but I caaant..#I've literally just been taking out my phyiscal camera and photographing the screen which always looks bad.. augh..#4. Something in the froxen food aisle called 'Wellington Bites' a play on beef wellington. suprisingly good actually. but I guess anything#with like beef and mushrooms usually is. But it seems like.. oddly decent for frozen food stuff.#5 - boye looking Round again.. 6 - updated score in the wii fit minigame again. This time less than 4 seconds#for each round? which may be a record for me? 7 & 8 - fat bird in the snow. fatt bird in the SNOW!! Hoping that climate change and H5N1#don't eventually remove all trace of birds and winter weather from my life in the future... -_-#9 - ..ough... a few paltry writings.. Except for the one day of 4000 words. But for the most part I have been making soo litte progress#because of the holidays and drs appointments and such a rush of all these other mind distracting things.. Or if I'm not doing something the#I'm feeling tired from having PREVIOUSLY done something so I waste the whole day being sleepy and headachey... GRR...#the funny thing is that like many many years ago I wrote a note on my wall saying 'FOCUS! write 2hr a day or more or youre going to finish#your game in 2025!!!' - which back in 2018 when I wrote it was like unimaginably far into the future but now... ahem.. hem... I guess that#is quite literally the case LOL. To my credit I did parctically abandon it entirely since late 2019 and JUST now picked up really#trying to focus on it in mid 2024 but still... My '''ridiculous'' projection being actually likely the correct one..#10 - I just thoughtit would be silly to put a bunch of keychain things on the wii remote. imagine playing this way. getting constantly#jabbed in the hand by plastic bits. and the jingling clinking noise it would be always making lol#11 - sky.. huzzah for the sky as always. Clouds my beloved#Gr.. I just really want to wriiite. My new years hopes are to finish my game and to get stuff set up to start selling sculptures again.#AND then maybe do more game videos lol... I miss playing games. I dont think I've posted on that youtube for like 5 months#I've just had so much appointments and Things and Stuff and focusing so much on other projects. But that is the thing that really#feels relaxing and fun for me. so like.. 1. finish game 2. sell sculpture/make sculpture 3. play games 4. find more friends#and social connection and networking or whatever the hell people have to do to be successful 5. do more costume/outfits.#<( saying this all on a day where I did none of those things LOL... I got erm.. maybe 400 words done today.. >:'3c )#6 is MOVE away from the evil west coast (hot.. fires in summer. etc) but like. not happening unless I suddenly become a millionaire so. -_-
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unemployment hell 🤝
on all levels but physical I am gifting you a hot chocolate and a soft blanket, beloved
I would love nothing more
#my art#causeimanartist#drawing of me#thank you for the sweet message 💙#I wish this was physically me but it was like 80 degrees today and I'm a sweaty bitch#I want sweater weather so I can look cute and drink hot chocolate from my extensive mug collection#have I ever revealed that fact? that I collect mugs?#99% of them aren't even for drinking - I have them sitting on my dresser and book shelves#holding trinkets and scrunchies#ya know - normal mug tasks#hopefully we both escape unemployment hell soon#I had an interview last Friday but then haven't heard anything since so :(#back to LinkedIn my fucking enemy#all it suggests to me are either legal assistant roles (never again please - I'm over lawyers and law firms)#or perfect jobs for me that aren't in my state#like sir#stop suggesting museum positions in dc#that's the wrong side of the country
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🌻 ₊˚⊹ ࿔ 🌳
#the weather is so lovely today. it’s breezy and cool but the sun is warm so it’s not too cold or too hot out.#i wish it was like this forever.#ive been feeling so tired lately. physically n mentally & idk if its an underlying health issue or bc i haven’t been sleeping super well#the past few days i wake up in the middle of the night but im able to go back to sleep fairly quickly. but i STILL feel exhausted.#im supposed to talk about my lab results w my doc tmrw on the phone so. i hope everything is okay but tbh i wouldn’t be surprised if#something wasn’t optimal. my iron was okay last time i checked it though. sigh i just idefk anymore.#im sick of everything. im irritable for no reason. i don’t wanna do anything. like anything. i just want to rot in my bed#and even my interests are slowly slipping away from me. writing? couldn’t care less if i don’t write anything for the rest of the year tbh.#reading? i couldn’t even care to browse the shelves when we went to the bookstore the other day and it scared the shit out of me#kpop? meh.#i have a massive to do list and uni starts in a month and i have no energy. + dealing with my own brain and nonsensical thoughts on top#of that. overthinking anxiety all that super great stuff.#im also sick of putting in 110% into my relationships and getting half of it back. family friends whoever. and it makes me so sad. +#i feel like nobody even understands me. or even tries to or wants to.#im just tired#sick and tiredddddd#actually a bit sick too my throat hurts#anyways whatever#it’ll be fine i guess#i don’t want to give up but i don’t have any desire to push through im sort of just. floating. ill deal with it when i deal with it#♡ dear diary…
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Oh temperatures under 100 degrees how I miss you ...
#it is 102 for the next 10 days according to google weather#one of those days it's supposed to reach 104....why me#every july i'm like why is the depression kicking my ass so hard#it's because i'm not outside as much for obvious reasons#don't get me wrong i still go walking most days but i wait until 8:30 pm#i need the sun so bad but she wants to fucking kill me love story of the ages#the other night i was like i need more cardio that must be why i'm so tired#and jogged for a bit and came back nauseous. FINE it is just too hot. i accept it. fine.
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I think someone put the brain of a mouse or maybe a squirrel inside my head at some point because all winter I was like “I crave nuts and seeds” and now that it’s getting warmer and brighter out my brain keeps going “it’s fruit time”
Like, modern transportation has made it possible to move many fruits all over the world (in theory) all the time! But the primal early plesiadapiform part of my brain is like “you must eat what is available this season”
#I was going to go with euarchonta or plesiadapiform brain but I think the early members of both of those groups were from a tropical#ecosystem. if I’m wrong though and either are from more seasonal environments I could change what I used#actually. wait. plesiadapis is from the late Paleocene. yes. but tropical plants have reproductive cycles too#do they generally vary by season or are they just doing it all at their own pace by species#I am from a very cold seasonal climate that gets hot af in summer but is pretty cold for a good five-ish months#not all equally cold#it’s bad for our environment if it doesn’t get cold as balls for a bit every winter#and we didn’t really get that this winter. but that’s not my point!#I mean to say I can’t remember how it works in tropical environments#if the plants just time their reproduction whenever in the year or if there are seasons for most plants at the same time#does that make sense? I’m using the primate-like-mammal. if it’s wrong then whatever#fuck it we ball#maybe I should have gone with a group further back in time but I couldn’t find climate info easily about things that far back and fuzzier#i am not the most familiar with primate evolution. especially early evolution of the group. I’m open to learning more#i just tend to fixate on certain other things like early mammals and horse and cat evolution#paleontology#emma posts#I like juice all year though#one day I want to try many varieties of fruits that I cannot access easily where I live because they can’t be shipped here#or they just aren’t as popular a variety on an industrial scale#maybe one day i will have a big greenhouse and i will be able to grow the banana varieties I want to try#I can see why some plant varieties aren’t grown on a large scale. some of these bitches are SUPPOSED to be able to grow in zone four but#they refuse to work with me! blueberries make sense. the soil here is nowhere near acidic enough and they would need to be in a pot or#whatever. ya know? but some plants just won’t! or I get them and then the weather here which would NORMALLY work is different that season
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boutta start ordering rocks online again just to feel alive
#im joking#but also man my days are so boring right now#struggle to wake up at 5;30 stumble out of bed at 8 maybe if i'm lucky#stare at computer screen listlessly and maybe get stuff done#most exciting part of my day is when i get to chat with my bf for a little bit in the afternoon#and then when people get home so i get to say hi for a few minutes b4 they're off doing stuff (fair)#and then i get ready to go to bed at 9:20pm after i feed my cat and it begins anew#i have got to get back into one of my hobbies or something the tedium is getting to me rly badly#need 2 get that work desk so i can do crafts in the craft room or make one idc#also the weather has been truly abysmal since we moved#hot and in the 90s and obscenely humid so i can't really muster up the willpower to want to go on a hike#augh#personal stuff#i think it's also bc i was just on an amazing fun 5000 mile road trip where i was constantly looking at new stuff and talking and having fu#and now im home and its boring here and i can't look at mesas and kiss my boyfriend and do fun activities all day every day#its like my brain is a rubber band that was stretched to the max over the course of that trip by sheer amount of enrichment#and now that i'm back home the amt of enrichment is so so much less that the brain rubber band is just loose n floppy#at least for now while it gets used to what is a much more normal amount of enrichment
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Suffering from the epic highs and lows of having a uterus
#ignoreme.jpg#i hadnt had cramps like the ones i did today in YEARS#like wanting to throw up from the pain bad#we are back to mild now#but a hot water heater on my tummy in 30°C weather isnt all that fun
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idk how to start this so this post is ab individual action, trying to motivate positive change in the world, etc etc
a lot of growing up in the US for me makes things feel more scary than they are. like it’s actually not that difficult to go out of your way to get a bottle of water or iced cup of water from some random drive through if you think you should do it. either fast food conglomerate or local actually, it’ll usually be cheaper than 5 dollars to get drinkable water. i try to have 5-10 dollars i can justify spending on water, and asking for change, because sometimes when i’m out driving i need to go grab water.
i do not do this for me as much as i try to do it specifically when i see someone who’s most likely homeless on a street corner. i’m sure one day i might do this and they might not be there when i come back, but what have i lost really? a bit of time and a bit of money that would’ve meant more to them, that i can hold onto until i see them next.
the pressure that a lot of people feel when they think “what can i do” comes from this grand narrative that the average citizen can singlehandedly fix the housing crisis. rich people? maybe. nonprofits? not in a day, not all one person still. what can i do is a question i ask a lot. what can i do, not just because it feels bad to move along like nothings wrong with the world, but what can i do that will do anything. what can i do that makes even the smallest change.
i feel like it took me too long to figure out a personal method to what i consider individual action. it’s taking time to get to my own financial stability to be able to do more. but for now it’s as simple as water and cash. not water and food, but water and cash.
individual action means a lot in small steps, go get a bottle of water bare minimum and the price of a meal if you can and then just give it to them. if it wasn’t such a miserably hot place where i live i would keep a pack of water in my car, which i still want to do for the sake of having immediate access to water to give someone who might need it- hot or cold sometimes won’t matter. but when it’s hot out, get cold water, if it’s cold out, a warm tea will hydrate more than coffee will as long as it’s not super caffeinated.
#very genuinely i’ve always felt paralyzed by the idea i cannot doing anything to help and on the grand scale i kind of can’t#i can’t give someone a house to stay in where i could take care of the space enough to get someone back on their own feet#but i can give someone water and some money for whatever they need#one day i’ll be able to do more but for now. water bottles and cash.#what i want to say here is everyone knows bare necessities and everyone knows ways to get them#i also have an opinion that you should sit with and hold the harsh feeling of seeing the world fall apart and help people survive anyway#idfk man#i’ve met some extremely fucking jaded people in my time at college who seem to have no way to piece together that they can do SOMETHING#one of my classmates once complained about feeling bad about not doing anything for a guy on a corner and i recognized who#because i’d seen him too and done nothing at least 5 times before one day on the way home i gave him all the cash i had on me#she’d said she’d do more if she wasn’t so scared and anxious of being hurt. i don’t see how he could even look harmful or dangerous#he blessed me and offered a hug and asked me to have a good day and said thank you and i still can’t see why she was scared of him#at the same time i hadn’t done anything until i saw myself in someone else and thought it looked nasty. looked uncaring.#i saw him again today and gave him a water bottle and all the cash i had on me. i told him the weather seemed hot#he agreed with me and he took the bottle of water#i think i interrupted him opening it to hand him the rest#he got up and he blessed me again#offered a hug and more thank you’s and it’s so simple but i felt us both human in that moment. talking about the weather in a brief exchange#wishing each other well as we go different ways#he wouldn’t stop thanking me and wishing me well#i told him it was the smallest thing i think anyone could do and i still walked away hollow wishing to have done more somehow#to suddenly own an apartment complex nearby for him and anyone he knew that needed it too#not a rigid shelter but a place to make home#blah blah blah talking too much about a deed done because i get emotional about humanity#tauto talks
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i have obtained a SIGNIFICANT and POTENTIALLY CARCINOGENIC BIOHAZARD and im BEYOND EXCITED ABOUT THIS
#the bhiohazard in question? a couple of nastyass turnouts!!!! a jacket and some pants!!!!!#yeah theyre sitting abt three feet away from me but dw!!! theyre in a big garbage bag so its ok ^-^#basically the EMT program (that im almost done with. as a side note but woot woot) is selling their old student ambulances#since theyre a bitch to maintain and we have a newer indoors simulator (its like. the back of an ambulace built into a room)#(like the back and one of the sides are open and it doesnt have a drivers compartment (duh) and no tires but is otherwise a Real Ambulance#which we use for practicing)#anyways so these old student ambulances gotta get cleaned out before they can be sold yeah?#and as it HAPPENS!! theyve been storing a SHIT TON of nasty filthy smelly turnouts in there for the past While#like probably 12-16 Large garbage bags full#(for those who dont know: turnouts are what those fucking. firefighter uniforms are called. like the ones they wear In Fires)#and they dont know what to do with them so theyre gonna get thrown away next week#so my TEACHER!!! was like 'yall if anyone Wants any of that shit you can literally just help urself'#so i went down today and poked thru some bags and GOT STUFFS!!!#anyways i am excited not only bc Turnouts Cool but ALSO bc theyre Super Fucking Insulated#bc theyre meant to be worn inside Massive and Super Hot fires#which yeah protects u from extreme heat but my GENUOS BRAIN also realized this: they would be STUPID COZY in cold weather#and i happen to be moving to a rather cold part of the states in a few months!!!!#so now i have free winter gear and its EXTRA SEXY STYLE#however u CANNOT clean turnouts at home bc#a) they gotta be washed with Extra Strong Industrial Fucking Machines#(called 'extractors' not 'washing machines')#and b)#they can and WILL leech nasty fucking toxins from structural fires into your machine and contaminate everything forever <3#so ive reached out to some 'send away' turnout laundry services#idk if theyre gonna do it tho cuz um. im Not associated with a fire department <3#so if that fails ill just do the best i can at home!!! <- research mode Engaged#either way theyre sexy and Yes i can still smell them despite them being bagged in a Super Rugged Industrial Manly Garbage Bag#(i didnt tie it super tight)#btu thats ok whats life without Danger <3#whatever the fuck
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I need this stupid app to not threaten to melt my phone whenever I use it please
#literally burning my fingers while browsing it’s so hot#making my phone do glitches I’ve never even heard of#NOOO I DONT WANT THE WEATHER TO GET 100 DEGREES AGAIN TURN IT BACK TO COLD#I MISS MY SWEATER WEATHER#medi bee talking
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currently at That Point which occurs once every few months where one briefly begins pacing around the house teary eyed contemplating selling their own organs or becoming an online scammer or getting on anxiety meds so you can bear the risk taking required to be a hitman or so on and so forth.... why must everything so Expensive... Surely all would be healed in life if only I had one big plate of lasagna and a simple loan of $40,000 ... auoughhh....
#And then you just eventually shrug and go 'welp. nothing i can do i guess' and sad cartoon music plays as you shuffle back to your room#It's just hard with my specific physical and mental issues since it's like.. I couldn't really handle most jobs. I can't handle school. I'm#100% aromantic and asexual so I'll never get married so I can't get money that way. I have too much issues with social cues#+ too nervous temperament + too low energy to put effort into lying and having a fake relationship just for money. so on and so forth etc.#Really I should have just been born into a middle class family. Which I guess everyone says. but ESPECIALLY considering my#chronic conditions kind of hampering my ability to function 'normally' or be Independent in a regular way. I'm always going to be#in some way sort of beholden to the whims of people around me who I must depend on. so... well of course they might as well have been rich#lol like that would have been better for me of course.#AAANyway... Just thinking about another stupid fucking climate change summer... months keep going by so fast.. soon it will be so again#And it's like such SMALL things would make drastic improvements for me. Literally if I just had a place with central AC#then like 75% of my issues with summer would vanish instantly. literally. But instead it's like.. having a cheap hot apartment + only#half functional dinky window ac + my illnesses that make me heat sensitive + living in a part of the country that keeps getting hotter +#inability to leave the house much meaning I can't just go spend time in a cooler place etc. all factors which combine together to make#it just utterly miserable for MONTHS and mentally draining. And literally ALL I would need to fix that is just...#have a place with central AC that works.. (or move to a colder country/area but that also takes money. Or just not have illnesses#that make me heat sensitive. but that I can't control). etc. etc. I guess it's just the nature of the constant background frustration of#being part of The Masses under our current manifestation of unmitigated capitalism. Such minor details would make such huge#quality of life improvements and yet will remain ever out of reach. ONE little thing could change your whole life but you can't even have#that. so many 'If only' scenarios. etc. And of course obviously I am incredibly thankful just to have anywhere to live at all. food to eat#. any sort of stability whatsoever no matter how fragile it feels/is. But that still doesn't make it not frustrating occasionally to look#around and see how relatively little would have to change in order for you to be a decent percentage more comfortable and yet#how still far away even those ''small'' seeming goals are. etc. etc.#Seriously think I've been traumatized by the summer or something somehow lol like thinking about it being warm weather eventually#makes me nauseous with panic. It's just SOOO much labor. micromanaging windows and fans and blocking every ounce of light#and not being able to cook (cant even afford a single degree of temp increase due to the stove) for months and barely being able#to sleep for months and the claustrophobia of days on end crawling out of your skin because it doesnt even get cool enough at#night to offer relief so you're just always feeling trapped.. hgrhh...#It starts getting hot here sometimes in May but mostly June then lasts through October now.. thats like half the year almost.. ARghhH#anyway... If any extremely rich person reading this would like to buy me an air conditioned house in exchange for multiple years worth#of art (I will paint murals on all of your grand dining halls and make all the custom sculptures you could ever want etc) then.. hewwo :'3c
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it's been a hot minute since I've been this physically uncomfortable somewhere I pay rent
#please please im begging you if youre too hot just open a window downstairs#its 53 fucking degrees outside and i am so god damn cold im getting ready to send myself back to my parents place#i agreed to 69-73 degrees not fucking 60#im sorry that it gets warmer downstairs#im sorry that id like more than 1 shelf in the pantry and half of a shelf in the fridge#im sorry that im thinking about bringing my tv upstairs and sending my couch back to my parents#im sorry that i hate taking you to work and back#im sorry that i hate my job and want to quit#im sorry that the things i want inconvenience you#and im sorry that i cant communicate any of this to you in a way that i feel would uphold the#kind (read: nonconfrontational) and caring (read: sacrificial)#nature i try and have#because i only ever feel like an inconvenience#and having wants and needs is antithetical to this persona#anyways with the weather changing its been so cold inside and out that my body is curling in on itself#so any progress made at the chiropractor is immediately fucking negated#and my back pain still returns#i want my suffering to fucking end please god#i cant fucking do this#why am i paying $600 to cry myself to sleep#and theyre STILL talking about getting a cat even though the lease specifically says we cant have pets (service animals aside)#shut up shut up this is making me hate being alive#i should not feel like this i need to get OUT
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Do you ever feel the immense urge to destroy everything you have and/or worked on and destroying your entire identity and running away and starting again? Not with any apparent reason, I'm not talking about "traumatic event means I gotta go now" book trope, I mean just out of the blue? I'm trying so hard to keep myself from deleting all of my accounts of everything I've done over the years, and also from tossing out all of my art and materials irl, as well as my plants, and everything else, and dropping out of uni and the undergrad research and all, and just going hell knows where, because also this country is kind of really concentrated in very few places.
#I'm so tired man#I keep on staring at my kalanchoe and other succulents that aren't doing all that hot because they're too complicated for the ''hot dry#blistering sun or pouring gloomy cold weather'' dichotomy of this city and it is literally taking all of my being to not want to toss them#out with the gardening supplies and all#also my impulses to want to delete my galleries and my Neopets accounts and everything I've got left after the last spree and just starting#anew yet again and like no I can't explain why all I can do is hold myself back#the worst is that I don't really have anyone anymore to talk to I dropped therapy and everyone else's sick and tired of me whining#all I can do is try to keep myself together and not do anything stupid#personal#mental health
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