#not even on the internet seems to be available to discuss

[greater-than-the-sword]

people can say all they want about modern speakers but nothing will ever sound as good as the top loading cd player on a JVC boombox. To me.

[lurkingteapot]

Every now and then I think about how subtitles (or dubs), and thus translation choices, shape our perception of the media we consume. It's so interesting. I'd wager anyone who speaks two (or more) languages knows the feeling of "yeah, that's what it literally translates to, but that's not what it means" or has answered a question like "how do you say _____ in (language)?" with "you don't, it's just … not a thing, we don't say that."

I've had my fair share of "[SHIP] are [married/soulmates/fated/FANCY TERM], it's text!" "[CHARACTER A] calls [CHARACTER B] [ENDEARMENT/NICKNAME], it's text!" and every time. Every time I'm just like. Do they though. Is it though. And a lot of the time, this means seeking out alternative translations, or translation meta from fluent or native speakers, or sometimes from language learners of the language the piece of media is originally in.

Why does it matter? Maybe it doesn't. To lots of people, it doesn't. People have different interests and priorities in fiction and the way they interact with it. It's great. It matters to me because back in the early 2000s, I had dial-up internet. Video or audio media that wasn't available through my local library very much wasn't available, but fanfiction was. So I started to read English language Gundam Wing fanfic before I ever had a chance to watch the show. When I did get around to watching Gundam Wing, it was the original Japanese dub. Some of the characters were almost unrecognisable to me, and first I doubted my Japanese language ability, then, after checking some bits with friends, I wondered why even my favourite writers, writers I knew to be consistent in other things, had made these characters seem so different … until I had the chance to watch the US-English dub a few years later. Going by that adaptation, the characterisation from all those stories suddenly made a lot more sense. And the thing is, that interpretation is also valid! They just took it a direction that was a larger leap for me to make.

Loose adaptations and very free translations have become less frequent since, or maybe my taste just hasn't led me their way, but the issue at the core is still a thing: Supernatural fandom got different nuances of endings for their show depending on the language they watched it in. CQL and MDZS fandom and the never-ending discussions about 知己 vs soulmate vs Other Options. A subset of VLD fans looking at a specific clip in all the different languages to see what was being said/implied in which dub, and how different translators interpreted the same English original line. The list is pretty much endless.

And that's … idk if it's fine, but it's what happens! A lot of the time, concepts -- expressed in language -- don't translate 1:1. The larger the cultural gap, the larger the gaps between the way concepts are expressed or understood also tend to be. Other times, there is a literal translation that works but isn't very idiomatic because there's a register mismatch or worse. And that's even before cultural assumptions come in. It's normal to have those. It's also important to remember that things like "thanks I hate it" as a sentiment of praise/affection, while the words translate literally quite easily, emphatically isn't easy to translate in the sense anglophone internet users the phrase.

Every translation is, at some level, a transformative work. Sometimes expressions or concepts or even single words simply don't have an exact equivalent in the target language and need to be interpreted at the translator's discretion, especially when going from a high-context/listener-responsible source language to a low-context/speaker-responsible target language (where high-context/listener responsible roughly means a large amount of contextual information can be omitted by the speaker because it's the listener's responsibility to infer it and ask for clarification if needed, and low-context/speaker-responsible roughly means a lot of information needs to be codified in speech, i.e. the speaker is responsible for providing sufficiently explicit context and will be blamed if it's lacking).

Is this a mouse or a rat? Guess based on context clues! High-context languages can and frequently do omit entire parts of speech that lower-context/speaker-responsible languages like English regard as essential, such as the grammatical subject of a sentence: the equivalent of "Go?" - "Go." does largely the same amount of heavy lifting as "is he/she/it/are you/they/we going?" - "yes, I am/he/she/it is/we/you/they are" in several listener-responsible languages, but tends to seem clumsy or incomplete in more speaker-responsible ones. This does NOT mean the listener-responsible language is clumsy. It's arguably more efficient! And reversely, saying "Are you going?" - "I am (going)" might seem unnecessarily convoluted and clumsy in a listener-responsible language. All depending on context.

This gets tricky both when the ambiguity of the missing subject of the sentence is clearly important (is speaker A asking "are you going" or "is she going"? wait until next chapter and find out!) AND when it's important that the translator assign an explicit subject in order for the sentence to make sense in the target language. For our example, depending on context, something like "are we all going?" - "yes" or "they going, too?" might work. Context!

As a consequence of this, sometimes, translation adds things – we gain things in translation, so to speak. Sometimes, it's because the target language needs the extra information (like the subject in the examples above), sometimes it's because the target language actually differentiates between mouse and rat even though the source language doesn't. However, because in most cases translators don't have access to the original authors, or even the original authors' agencies to ask for clarification (and in most cases wouldn't get paid for the time to put in this extra work even if they did), this kind of addition is almost always an interpretation. Sometimes made with a lot of certainty, sometimes it's more of a "fuck it, I've got to put something and hope it doesn't get proven wrong next episode/chapter/ten seasons down" (especially fun when you're working on a series that's in progress).

For the vast majority of cases, several translations are valid. Some may be more far-fetched than others, and there'll always be subjectivity to whether something was translated effectively, what "effectively" even means …

ANYWAY. I think my point is … how interesting, how cool is it that engaging with media in multiple languages will always yield multiple, often equally valid but just sliiiiightly different versions of that piece of media? And that I'd love more conversations about how, the second we (as folks who don't speak the material's original language) start picking the subtitle or dub wording apart for meta, we're basically working from a secondary source, and if we're doing due diligence, to which extent do we need to check there's nothing substantial being (literally) lost -- or added! -- in translation?

[toutvatoujoursbien]

A (relatively new-ish) fan’s perspective on Luke Newton

(I wrote my very first Tumblr post last month and now I think I’ve chosen the path of essayist/suffering. I’ve also been writing this on and off for four weeks because it seems like every other day, something new pops up or the fandom has a meltdown of some kind. I’m not even sure if it’s worth posting, but I think, like my first one, I needed to get this out of my system in order to TRY and return to being a normal person - which is still unlikely because Lukola has me in a chokehold. NOTE: I finished the majority of this on July 19, before all the weird-ass stuff happened over the weekend, and haven’t had the chance to post until now. Anyway, this is going to be long, full of ramblings that are hopefully organized in a cohesive manner, and all opinions and observations are my own. I have a lot of thoughts and feelings, okay?)

I’ve really struggled to understand why the whole Bridgerton S3 and Luke Newton PR stunt has embedded itself into my brain the way it has. Like, how could the actions of someone I don’t know still be lingering in my thoughts even now, weeks later? After my first post, I realized that there was more to the entire LN situation than I was previously unaware of - so I started digging. None of this information is hidden or secret, it was publicly available and therefore the fans picked up on it quickly. But I, personally, DID NOT KNOW ANY OF IT, going into S3, and I think that’s why everything has hit me like a ton of bricks. So I thought, surely I’m not the only new(ish) fan who has suffered from this emotional and mental whiplash? 

I really, really, really loved Luke’s portrayal of Colin and I’ve thoroughly enjoyed watching all the interviews and behind-the-scenes from S3. I would also love to continue to support him as he builds his acting career. However, I didn’t have a full picture, which unfortunately includes a history of making - what I think are - poor and questionable decisions in his personal life that he also allowed to bleed into his professional one. And that’s how I find myself struggling with the dichotomy of everything I’ve seen him do during Bridgerton promo vs. lots of other actions he’s taken. So let’s talk about it, okay? (Importantly, I reserve the right to update my current opinions as more information comes to light.)

I want it to be clear that I am in no way hating on Luke. Part of my struggle with writing this post has been because I don’t want this to be misconstrued as more hate being thrown his way. That is not my intention, at all. Seeing “fans” over the past few weeks absolutely rip into him on social media has been heartbreaking and deeply unsettling. This type of behavior is ugly and nasty and no one should be subjected to it. Full stop. As others have said: it’s okay to have thoughts and criticisms (criticism ≠ hate), but please keep it to the appropriate corners of the Internet. I think you can admire/support a famous person, but you should also be able to call them out on their conduct, particularly the stuff that happens in public. Blind love/following and putting people on pedestals is never going to allow any room for reflection and/or growth. I think there is a LOT of nuance in the whole discussion around him, his past actions, his handling of things now, and what’s in store for the future.

Okay, deep breaths & continue after the cut (because this got… wordy).

Some brief background on how I got here: As noted previously, I’ve been a longtime fan of both Polin and Bridgerton, first with the book series and then with the tv show. But, for whatever reason, I never even thought about jumping into the fandom until earlier this year, in anticipation of Season 3. I will say that I have been delighted with Nicola and Luke and their work as Polin from the start, but with the nature of the show being what it is, I just didn’t pay as much attention until it was their turn to lead. I watched some behind the scenes and promos occasionally, but not consistently. It wasn’t until around the February/Valentine’s event that I started to take notice and then I fell down the rabbit hole in April (literally, figuratively, and spiritually 😅). I say all this to illustrate that up until the spring, I was part of the General Audience, though admittedly with a bias towards viewing Bridgerton favorably.  Another factor is that I got most of my fandom content from Twitter (again, I’m never going to call it X), with the occasional peek into Instagram and Tumblr. Yes, Twitter is a hellscape. But I am also lazy and only have so much time to scroll online. And since everything seems to get cross-posted everywhere, it was easiest for me to keep mostly to one social media site to consume all my Bridgerton content. But I point this out because I now see this as an error on my part. Why? Because I wasn’t getting a well-rounded picture of the situation around L, N and S3. Remember my own self-admitted social media bubble? Sigh. The fast pace of tweets meant I could blink-and-miss something on Twitter, unless it trended (or really riled the fans up). It’s a breeding ground for the hyperbolic and for discourse, in general. Twitter also seems to be divided into the Luke Haters (let’s be real, most of their “reasoning” is just uncalled for, vile hate) and the Luke Apologists (who have the tendency to exhibit, imo, some gross-excuse-all-his-behaviors-he-never-does-anything-wrong rhetoric). So it wasn’t until I started noticing chatter of Luke’s past actions that it prompted me to start looking deeper into what others have witnessed and noted online, particularly on this platform. Again, it wasn’t like I was trying to find some sort of hush-hush subject matter. Instead, I rather got the impression that those established in the fandom had a sort of unspoken agreement to keep these discussions to DMs and group chats - mostly as to not detract from Polin’s upcoming season. (But seriously, great of y’all to keep it locked down, however it would have really helped a girl out all the times I was like, “why is everyone so mad?” 🤣) And a lot of things started clicking into place once I knew more of the details. So I’ve put together a list of high-level topics/points that I didn’t know before, being relatively new to the fandom. Perhaps this can help other fans who are trying to wrap their heads around the various discussions occurring now and may feel clueless.

One more thing, HUGE shout-out to @jack4132cf for giving me a concise timeline of… well, everything I apparently missed last year+ when I wasn’t part of the fandom 😆🙌🏼 They’ve really helped me fill in the blanks (of which I had many)! Also, darcytaylor has a great 3-part deep dive, and I’ve read (and backtracked) through most of herejusttosufferalong and allsortsofthingsmpov ’s blogs, among others. They’ve provided a place for differing opinions and perspectives to be voiced in a respectful manner (unless you’re a troll, in which any clap-back is justified). I may not agree with everyone’s take, but I firmly believe that hearing views from others has helped shape my own thought process.

Let’s begin, shall we?

The Hot Fuck Boy Summer™️ (which I’m trademarking as HFBS)

Bridgerton S3 wrapped up filming in March 2023 and then Luke starred in the play The Shape of Things, which was in production from around May-July 2023. At some point prior to all this, Luke and his previous gf broke up - this is reported on by several media outlets in March, as well as “news” that he joined the dating app Raya. This is where, I think, his questionable behavior starts to raise eyebrows. It’s not the fact that he’s dating - I feel like fans gave him a pass since he just ended a long-term relationship (Enter the mentality some had of “let him have his hot boy summer!”). No, I think the issue is that he was not at all private or discreet about it. 

Remember when I said I think he let choices in his personal life bleed over into his professional one? Yeah, there were multiple glaring examples happening in real time last year, and the fandom took notice. He started publicly following certain users on IG and liking their posts, (unfortunately) many of whom were young, female models and dancers, under the age of 23. He (foolishly) followed his private account on his public profile, and then tried to backpedal. He engaged with some online flirtations that didn’t sit well with the fans (cough, E. Bear, cough), and then tried to backpedal. Mind you, all of this occurred and at some point later on, it’s then also decided that he’s going to move (aka, clean up) his social media presence to be more work-related. My point is:

Luke was digitally messy and left a trail (several, really). 

In conjunction with the HFBS, we also have:

& That Friend Group

Ah yes, the “boys.” Look, clearly I don’t know his friend group in real life, so all I can speak on is the image they give off based on their public social media accounts. And I, personally, am very unimpressed with what they’ve chosen to share with the world. My general perception is that L’s group of friends love to have a good time and show it off; seem to have an large amount of influence over him, particularly R; and can been seen as reaping the benefits of his success. He has discussed before how he likes to be generous with his friend group. During HFBS, they posted all about their vacations, on public accounts, and tagged Luke in them. They posted thirst trap photos and tagged Luke in them. They took quite a few boat trips and, once again, tagged Luke in them. Are we sensing a pattern here?

His friend group was also digitally messy and left trails.

I am in no way saying his friends aren’t allowed to post whatever they want on their accounts. It’s totally within their rights to have a good time and capture it on their pages, and I completely understand the desire to only show the “memorable” and “fun” stuff on social media. I just think it was short-sighted to NOT consider that Luke’s fans would be interested in seeing what he was up to with his friends - and you know that people will always, always dig around on the Internet. Maybe this was some kind of fun game to them? Maybe they enjoyed the attention? Maybe they didn’t think it was that big a deal? Who knows? But I think, in hindsight, it would have been safer and smarter to not have all this documented and out in the open, imo. 

My other understanding is that around the time the break up was “officially announced,” Luke’s ex began dating someone who was 22/23 at the time. His childhood friend R also ended a relationship last year and began dating a young woman around 22/23. Do I think R may have encouraged Luke in a certain direction dating-wise, especially considering that A was/is a friend of S, R’s new gf? Do I wonder if this was all to get back at J for starting a relationship with a new young thing, too? It seems likely, but of course this is all conjecture on my part. This is giving “high school drama” vibes, being played out in public, which is very, very  unfortunate.

However, Luke was ultimately the person who did not ask his friends to refrain from posting him on social media, as well as publicly following young women on socials and not being very discreet about his dating life, which is what raises my eyebrows…

The Age Gap Thing

Let’s just address this here and now. Remember, these are my opinions, each individual is entitled to their own, and I hope everyone takes a moment to really think and evaluate how they feel about the matter! I’m going to be very transparent and upfront about this:

I do not like the age gap between L and many of the young women he was showing interest in last year.

I’m viewing this from the lens of someone who is an elder Millennial and female. For me, personally, my dislike has more to do with: 1) A's age when they started dating/the age she is now (22/23); but more specifically 2) the power dynamics at play. 

I don’t have a problem with age gaps overall, because I believe that love can find us at many stages in life. However, I’m also of the opinion that a person 30+ should not be dating a someone in their early 20s. I’m not going to use the whole “the brain hasn’t been fully developed” argument, though valid. My issue has more to do with where an individual is in terms of life experience, emotional and overall maturity, and (this ties in with #2) financial stability within age gaps. In general, I find, say, a 45-year-old dating a 37-year-old to be on more even footing, which becomes even more so as you age. But a 22-year-old, presumably fresh out of college/university and about to embark on their next steps into adulthood, is just not in a position to date someone in their 30s. To me, your early 20s are the time for you to gain all the things I mentioned above (life experience, maturity, financial stability that is independently your own) as well as make plenty of mistakes. And that’s not to say any of that stops once you hit 30, or beyond! I know I’m constantly evolving and learning more about myself and my place in the world as each year passes.

My deeper discomfort comes from the inherent power dynamics and power imbalance between L/A. Of course L has lot more of the power in terms of money, resources and status; they are not equal partners. This article here (https://jill.substack.com/p/the-problem-with-men-who-date-much) illustrates these points much better than I can; I think it’s worth the read. 

Is he allowed to date whomever he so chooses? Yes. Are people allowed to feel the ick with the current choice/choices he made last year? Also yes. Does it entitle anyone to post nasty comments on his social media? Absolutely not. I may not personally like his choice, but it’s ultimately his to make. 

NOTE: I also want to address right here that, to me, his behavior isn’t “predatory” or whatever twisted narrative some folks are trying to push. Honestly, I think he’s gone the complete opposite direction from the type of women his ex and N are because it might be less complex/more simple both in terms of emotions and permanence. But obviously, pure speculation on my part. 

Antagonistic A

At some point during HFBS, L meets A and she becomes a part of That Friend Group. During Fall 2023, there are many trips to Soho Farmhouse and other posts made to R/S/A’s social media accounts. A in particular made quite a few posts that could be interpreted as her wanting to show she was with L, but never actually including him fully (these are the arms/legs photos that fans talk about and side-eye). Some of these types of posts have since been conveniently deleted. L and That Friend Group celebrate NYE24 at Soho Farmhouse, where everyone but him share photos and videos. On Jan 2, a photo of L and A kissing was circulated on social media -  they got caught in the video of the band playing. Also at the beginning of this year, A - for whatever fucking reason - started tagging along on various work trips and had a tendency to post TikTok’s from various hotel bathrooms. Again, insinuating that she’s with L but not outright showing it. 

The “InStyle stunt” - end of March/early April, there is a trip to Los Angeles which A posted stories and photos on IG. It’s later revealed that L was going to be featured in InStyle Magazine’s “This Guy” series, which included an interview, video and photoshoot, as well as an IG post that consisted of several polaroid, “boyfriend-style” pictures. The Instyle polariods were released three weeks after A’s posts, and let’s just say that A’s are a little too on the nose to be coincidence (also cue more hand/leg reveals…) Please note, again, that some of these photos on A’s account have been conveniently deleted/removed.

These are only a few examples of how… messy this all is and how it can be viewed as her antagonizing the fans. There is a lot of back and forth debate between “just leave her alone, she’s allowed to post what she wants” against “she’s clearly using social media to taunt the fandom/get attention/chase clout/etc.” When I finally learned about all the social media games being played, I just felt really unsettled for a few reasons.

Luke has stated that he wishes to keep his private life more private (see: social media clean-up from last fall). But, and this is my big issue here, A and That Friend Group don’t seem to WANT to be private. So to me, that can push people to question how much does he know what’s actually going on (he admits to not being online much) and, more importantly, how complicit is he with all of their postings? I personally feel like the narrative being pushed by his friends is very self-serving, and doesn’t seem like it’s in L’s best interest or protecting his privacy. Because I think we all know and understand that if a celebrity wants to keep certain things private, they have the money and resources to do so - some good examples that come to mind are Ryan Gosling and Eva Mendes, Benedict Cumberbatch, Dolly Parton, and our girl Nicola herself.

A has made it a pattern to post shortly after either Nicola or the main Bridgerton account posts something, usually on IG or TT; there is timely evidence of this. So much so that the fandom jokes about how obsessed she must be with N. And these posts don’t really have much substance - other than to show off her body or her latest vacation. It just all comes off as very insecure and seeking attention, whether it’s from L or from the public in general. Again, why do we feel the need to play social media games? But this does not mean she deserves hateful comments either. I personally don’t care for her or her actions, but as an older female, I also can’t help but be saddened by the fact that she’s making many, many poor choices in a very public forum. I can’t help but wonder if she’s going to have regrets later on when/if she reflects back on this time. 

The PR Stunt/Papgate

This has been dissected by the fandom to death and there are a plethora of theories on who exactly was responsible for calling the paparazzi, who knew what was actually going to happen, WHY did this occur, and how much did this impact the season and the press tour overall. It’s enough to make anyone’s head spin - hell, I’ve changed my opinion at least a dozen times over the past several weeks. Regardless, the thing that aggravates me the most about the whole thing is the absolutely terrible and suspicious timing of it. As stated in my previous post: Here’s my point: I think what should have been a moment of triumph and a joyous occasion for Nic, Luke, and Bridgerton season 3, was sadly overshadowed by the aforementioned shitstorm. And that’s a damn shame. Too many cast and crew put in a lot of time, effort, and blood sweat and tears, to pull this all together.

I’m still personally stuck on a few things: 1) How did paps know when L was leaving the official after party? Additionally, how did they know which hotel L was going to for his after-after party? Because that’s where we got the super awkward handhold attempt photos. 2) Did L know about the first location but not the second one - which ties into was this an attempt by his PR team to distance himself from Bridgerton and Nicola now that promo was almost done? Because the way he looks from location 1 to 2 is vastly different. 3) If paps were there, why was literally NO ONE else from the cast also photographed??? 4) Why has DM double (and tripled) down over the past few weeks on how she got those exclusive photos in the first place? And 5) Who ultimately has benefited the most from this whole PR stunt 🤔??? (Because I sure as hell don’t think it’s Luke…)

The Cinnamon Roll vs The Bad Boy

Luke has stated in several interviews that he’s interested in going for edgier, darker roles. I think that’s great that he wants to try something new and diversify; I would love to see him in whichever type of role interests him! However, he’s also spent 4-5 years playing Colin, a character that is quirky, kind and lovable (much more so on the show, thanks to Luke’s portrayal) and known for being the ultimate “wife guy” amongst the fandom. It’s also been mentioned time and time again that Luke is most like his character (by Luke himself and his Bridgerton cast mates). Nic speaks so highly of him, and the way he presented himself during the 6 months of press was really wonderful; I think he has a deep understanding and love for his role, and he was a genuinely supportive partner to his co-lead during filming. Think golden retriever energy - which is NOT a bad thing, at all!

If there is any truth to the PR stunt being organized by his team (and I’m in no way saying this is fact) as a way to differentiate/disassociate him from Bridgerton/Nicola, then I think this was a miscalculation on their part. We know that Luke did a lot of editorial photoshoots during the promo tour; and looking at the pictures now, it seems like there was definitely a narrative/aesthetic that was trying to be pushed of a more intense, moody and provocative L. Which is also fine! I don’t think he must be one personality or the other; humans are multi-faceted and complex, it’s what makes us so interesting.

The (Ongoing) Fallout

This is really difficult to write about because, honestly, I feel like we’re still witnessing it happening in real time, bit by agonizing bit. What we do know is that at this moment, he hasn’t announced any new projects other than returning for Bridgerton Season 4. He hasn’t announced any major brand deals and we don’t know what his next steps are career-wise. Which is completely baffling to me because I would think he and his team would want to capitalize on the momentum of a very successful season of a Netflix/Shondaland production. However, this is his life and his job, so until he comes forward with literally anything to say (a statement, an announcement, hell, he hasn’t even publicly claimed to have a gf FFS), then everything else is just noise and speculation. As much as I hope he’s not taking another HFBS, I also wouldn’t blame him for wanting to step away from the spotlight. He’s been unfairly dragged and smeared since the Part 2 premiere. Do I think he and his team/friend group have made a some missteps along the way? Yes, but again, no one deserves the nasty comments and vitriol that has been flung his way. 

So How Do We Move Forward?

I keep thinking back to the adage: When someone shows you who they are, believe them.*

And isn’t this the root of my (and perhaps others’) struggle? Because it’s been really difficult to reconcile someone Nicola calls “a true gentleman, the kindest friend, a dream costar” with a man who seemingly (?) goes along with pap walks, Instagram subterfuge, and appears to be distancing himself from the very project and costars that helped propel him into the leading man spotlight. For me personally, I go back to my point that people are multi-faceted and deeply complex. I think Luke can be all of those things; I also think he might be struggling right now to figure out who he is and what he wants next after being scrutinized so heavily.

Also from my first post: We have to remember, though, that what we’re shown is only a fraction of their true selves, carefully and deliberately curated to accommodate their status as actors/celebrities/those in the public eye. 

I choose to believe that we saw glimpses of the real Luke throughout the press tour. (ColinBridgey is a rockstar and compiled everything into a master list for our enjoyment!) I choose to believe Nicola knows Luke a hell of a lot better than almost everyone else yapping in this conversation. I choose to believe that his anxiety and quietness could be perceived as standoffish, and unfortunately he wasn’t able to shine as much as Nicola during the press tour, but they are a team and have each other’s backs - there is genuine love there, after all. I choose to believe that social media posting and likes are not indicative of the actual friendship and relationship between L and N. I would love to see him post more, or be more vocal in publicly thanking Bridgerton and Nicola - however, I realize those are expectations I have/desire and he does not owe me anything. 

I choose to believe that despite the mistakes and missteps, he’s a decent human being who deserves to live his life on his own terms and at his own speed. I really, really hope that whenever he announces his next project, I can be joyful and supportive. There’s a lot of talk about giving him grace, which I agree with. I cannot imagine, nor do I desire to be in the public eye this way; it’s easy for us and others to feel entitled to say things behind our screens and keyboards, but these are real, actual people with lives and feelings.

I do think that it is for the best interest of the fandom to try and ignore A and That Friend Group (and DM) as much as possible. And I will be the first to admit that it is really fucking hard to do so. Like I’ve said before, I try to ignore toxicity and hate, but I am also human and therefore imperfect and capable of pettiness. There is just something about this situation (probably how much Lukola captivated me and how much disdain I have for his friend group) that makes me watch everything play out like it’s a train on fire, careening towards an unfinished bridge, over a ravine. Sometimes I feel bad because I wonder if I’m adding to the entire spectacle with my continued interest. But then I remember that I specifically keep it to this corner of the internet, and I’ve found a nice little community where we can gossip and discuss and dissect it all.

If you’ve made it to the end, thank you. This is just everything I’ve been ruminating over the past month, put into word vomit form. I would looove to hear your thoughts and takes on everything/anything discussed above. Maybe you have a different perspective or noticed something that I missed.

*Fun fact: In my research, I learned that this saying comes from Maya Angelou’s “A Song Flung Up to Heaven” and is actually "Believe people when they tell you who they are. They know themselves better than you.” The more well-known version comes out of an Oprah Winfrey interview with Angelou in 1997, where they were discussing life lessons. Okay, I’ll stop being a nerd now.

[afreakingdork]

Soft Spot - Chapter 7

RotTMNT Donatello x Reader

Whatcya got there, Donnie? It's just a smug grin in this week’s chapter art by @garbagemilkshake

Rated: Explicit

Warnings/Tags: Romance, Established Relationship, Married Couple, Married Life, Aged-Up Mutant Ninja Turtles, Villain Donatello (TMNT), Love, POV Second Person, Babies, Pregnancy, AFAB reader, Vaginal Sex, Rough Sex, Penis In Vagina Sex, Creampie, Breeding Kink, Multiple Orgasms, Angst, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, Fertility Issues, Pregnant Sex, Pregnancy Kink, Reader-Insert, Cunnilingus, Fellatio, Cum Eating, Turtle Noises (TMNT), I have a Biology Degree and I’m Using it, Menstruation, There WILL NOT be any Miscarriages

Synopsis: First comes love. Then comes marriage. Then comes the next step about as smooth as the others arrived. The baby-oriented sequel to Weak Spot.

Also available on Ao3

First 💜 Previous

Day 1:

In your fourth month of trying to get pregnant, you no longer fussed over the particulars. It had been a literal been there and done that of scenarios. You knew not to overreact. You knew that time would tell. You knew the slightest change in your schedule might not necessarily mean anything. You had settled into hoping for the best, expecting the worst, and acknowledging that the middle state of neutrality was the most likely scenario.

When you were a day late for your period, you hadn’t thought much of it because it had been the second time since your baby making journey began.  

Your period had never been something of clockwork. It moved within parameters that you had never been quite able to capture. Throughout your life, its start date had roved. Stress had once skipped it completely and when you were perfectly healthy, and not sexually active, it had once been a week late for seemingly no reason other than to scare you with falsities. When discussing a child with your partner, your medical history obviously came up. You shared all these moments and more with Donnie which he took into careful consideration.

It had been decided before you even began that, while testing for pregnancy could be done from the first day of your first missed period, you would only test on the sixth day.

From all the data pulled that seemed like a reasonable though arbitrary date to avoid getting any hopes up. Since then, there had been up to a three day fluctuation. Your first period had come right on scheduled time, but the next came a day early and the third came three days late. Now, a day late for your fourth and with three failures notched in your failed conception belt, you wasted no time on wonder.

You had your Valentine’s trip to prepare for.

In the spirit of breaking your rigid schedule, you had both decided that a trip outside the city was due. You were going to break all usual monotony and do something kitschy for the sake of it. You had booked the most ostentatious bed and breakfast stay imaginable. While you at first teasingly fantasized about overbearing hosts and antiques, time had found you embarrassingly looking on those things for their growing charm. 

It made Donnie’s resolve all the stronger and you had caught him brushing up on local facts so as to one-up the tours you imagined the hosts were going to put on. You bet looking at him now he was scheming. He had the usual resting concentration painting his features as he perused something on his phone. He was clearly reading by the dart of his eyes and you thought you should be doing the same.

Though Donnie probably already had everything planned out, you thought you might be able to sneak something by him on the drive there. The route was meant to be scenic and you bet there were stops along the way that weren’t necessarily geo-tagged on the internet. It had you looking through blogs of the past where people once actively charted their travels. You reminisced through their words and made a list of places of interest, if they still existed.

Day 2:

Donnie had been staring hard at two ensembles he had laid out on the bed. One trended casual with joggers, a buttery smooth top, and a sporty cardigan while the other had finer, but stiffer fabrics that gave an upper-class feel. While the trip only had a single overnight stint, your mate had been flip-flopping on his luggage contents.

It was a stark contrast to your honeymoon where he’d finished his list nearly overnight. You weren’t sure if it was the shorter duration or the air of spontaneity, but Donnie had become hung up on the supposedly simple choice. Seeing as he’d been waffling on the two sets of clothing for almost an hour, you got up to see what the trouble was.

He didn’t address you and only continued to stare at the larger picture of both outfits.

You brushed his arm to see if he was up for larger touch, but his lack of movement said otherwise.

You settled for standing beside him. “What are we thinking?”

Donnie pointed out a finger that had been folded to his chin. “We will be stationary in the car for many hours.”

You hummed recognition.

“Comfort as such is priority, as was when we flew.”

“Definitely not as long as a flight to Italy.” You chuckled. “Though it was first class.” 

Donnie didn’t share the mirth. “However, we have a reservation at a vineyard that evening which calls for finer dress.”

“It doesn’t have to be that nice. It’s not like they’ll kick us out.”

“Valentine’s!” Donnie rounded on you with tepid scorn.

Your gaze shot away as there was no winning with him and these romantic holidays.

They were your husband’s favorite.

He had to do them justice in his mind.

“Changing in their lavatory is out of the question.” He ground out the sentence as if it was a law.

You chewed your lip to keep from commenting.

“Which to choose…?” He let the question he’d been pondering hang in the air.

You stood behind him for several moments before you pushed out a readied breath.

He addressed you with a slight turn and a wave of uncertainty that wondered if you could be of help.

You held no ill will. “We’re driving.”

He said nothing.

“Like actually driving your car. For the sake of the trip.”

He didn’t see the point.

“It gets stiff…” You broke away and touched the joggers. “Being in those seats. Driving for long hours. We’re going to take breaks. Do the whole road trip thing you’ve never got to do. Stop at tacky roadside shops and leave wrappers in the car and get cramped so we have to stretch at abandoned rest stops!”

Your heart swelled at all the silly antics.

You adored that even this, even now, was exciting just because Donatello was your partner.

You couldn’t wait to see how he’d react.

To everything he’d staunchly try to do by some unseen book to all the ways he’d subvert it because it was all new to him.

You were forever honored to be his partner.

“You know how we’ll stop at the first real gas station and get snacks?”

Donnie finally nodded. “Despite their inflated cost.”

He knew all about your tale of the variety and going through a white walled shop just to get blood moving in your legs.

He was fully on board even against the fallacies.

“Then this calls for something similar.” You patted his clothes before turning to him.

His interest was fully piqued.

“We go shopping!” You snapped and pointed at him. “Like we did for honeymoon clothes.”

His expression dropped some.

“I know! It kind of goes against the spontaneous bit and this should have been short enough that we shouldn’t need to go, but look at this.” You held out a hand to demonstrate his wardrobe. “Your wardrobe consists of what? Things for chilling at home, expensive fancy clothes that cover every inch of you, and now, buried somewhere, are clothes specifically for beaches! It’s like if we were going to California. You wouldn’t have those kinds of summer clothes because you don’t live there. You don’t have car riding clothes because you never used to leave the city. It’s time for new options!”

He poured over each of your words like syrup drizzling a stack of pancakes.

You got to watch in real time as the sweet logic permeated each layer.

Once saturated, he lifted a confirming gaze to you.

“How is your wardrobe…?” He tested the one variable left out.

“I’m good. You’re not dressing me up this time. No extravagant surprises, just sudden ones!”

“Shopping for me would be sudden…” He spoke with growing understanding.

“Nervous?”

He chuffed. “You’ll tap out long before I.”

“How so?”

He swept down his figure. “I custom order my clothes online and still alter them both for ease and for my sanity. Shopping for myself is an ordeal.”

“Size, quality, feel of the fabric…” You bet you knew all his complaints.

He lifted his head both haughty and confirming.

“Guess there’s only one way to find out…”

He gave a single nod and moved to gather the laid out clothes.

As he closed in from one of your sides to the other you watched him. “Are you nervous about all the changes?”

He slowed in folding a pair of slacks over his arm. “In a grand scale or these recent impromptu actions?”

“Both.” You thought for a moment. “All.”

“It is…” He breathed slowly.

You let him take his time in choosing his words.

“In a way… as much as I desire a child with you, I am equally and morbidly… thankful for the delay. I would have had no issue if you were to have gotten pregnant on our first try and I despise how downtrodden each delay makes you. However, I… have lived a solitary life. I have experienced change in all its forms. I have lived unsettled. Nomadic. I’ve not known peace. Then I knew… too much. I knew stagnation. I thought myself unable. I knew myself to be capable of everything. I am boundless and with form. A frustrating chasm without answers.”  

“Life,” You whispered, not feeling clever about your response.

He still agreed wholeheartedly. ”My desire for our child is unmoving, but a dastardly part of me relishes more time alone with you.”

“I think…” You leaned against the bed. “That’s all very normal. I think that when we started talking about this, I wondered if I wanted to disrupt our peace. Me and you. We’re so good, Don.”

He churred softly.

“And we’ll be good at this. You’ll be good at this and we’ll be bad at this. Like you said. We’ll mess up, but we’ll try and that’s what matters. I have no doubt that you’re going to do everything you can. That’s how you do everything.”

He watched you with palpable affection.

“Just tell me if you get overwhelmed. It’s okay to.” 

He nodded into a soft smile. 

“Unable to pick pants cause you’re oh so sweet!” You crooned and got up. “Tomorrow! We’ll find you something!”

He returned to putting the clothes up instead of outright agreeing.

“Or not! That’ll be fun too!”

“Together.” You heard him speak more for himself.

Day 3:

“Okay…” You tented your hands over your mouth and blew into them.

You were also blocking out Donnie’s smug air, but there was no way you were going to admit that.

No, it was early February and pretty cold outside which was marked by bits of frost clinging to corners. “Onto the fourth store.”

Donnie hovered close behind to devour your words.

“It’s fine!” You chirped out of your grip and plowed down the road with your husband in tow. “We just eliminated the like only three tall guys stores in the area, no biggie.”

You heard him probe you with a hum.

“With trash selection. Some of the ugliest patterns I’ve ever seen. The scratchiest fabric on clothes that are still somehow baggy on you even if they hit your leg length!”

Donnie was almost skipping.

“Your whole life!?” You turned on him suddenly.

He seemed ready and stopped just in time.

His wicked grin hadn’t diminished in the slightest.

He gave it a moment to air for your stage before he dipped his gaze to speak.

You hugged him before he could.

You felt him huff out of his gloat and hold you. “Yes, my dearest. Shopping for clothes has always been this difficult. Before I grew to my current uncommon height, there was the shell to accommodate for.”

You scrubbed into his nice sweaters and felt bad about all the times you ever teased him for his fine tastes. “Being rich helps.”

“Yes. I can request directly from a designer. They’ve long understood my needs and send clothes when they need a boost in revenue.”

“I didn’t think today would be easy…”

“I know…” He pet your back.

“I still thought we’d find at least one thing… This is disheartening.”

He dipped his beak down to the top of your head and rested it amongst your scent.

“What will our kid do…?”

Donnie didn’t stiffen, but you felt him stop.

“We don’t know if they’ll have a shell…” You reigned an arm in around him to look at your gloves. “Or how many fingers they'll have…? I start to think how they’ll feel about back to school shopping and then… are we doing that? Sending them to public school? Not doing that seems bad too… It all…”

“Issues every parent faces.”

You blinked up at Donnie.

“Common concerns. Endlessly worrying about one’s child.”

You gave him a sad smile.

He leaned further against your head to commiserate.

“We don’t know.”

“Until we do.” Donnie agreed.

“Take this as it comes. All of this.” You took a lingering warm breath from your mate’s body before turning out on the sidewalk.

This time he snagged your hand so when you moved away with purpose, he could be led along.

You were steadfast in heading towards whatever next shop caught your eye. It didn’t matter if it fit the bill, as long as it had men’s clothing, you were going to give it a try. That was the nature of what you were supposed to be doing anyway. You stormed past shops and buildings you eliminated and heard some calling from loitering youths who commented on Donnie’s height. It wasn’t an uncommon occurrence, but under your current circumstances it annoyed you so you turned and snarled at them.

It was you alone that had them flinching into silence.

They then started right back up with insults, but you felt as though you’d had your fill. You pulled Donnie around a corner and felt him shyly share his pride through his wedding band. It felt like a coy way in case you weren’t in the mood for that sort of praise. You responded by mentally grabbing his regard and tugging. It felt very much like what you were doing to him in the real world and he appreciated it all the more.

You made it down a few more streets before you finally glimpsed a pair of jeans in the window. You sort of whipped your mate in the process, but you backpedaled to review the shop. Instead of something vintage or something new, it seemed to be a curated collection. You were pretty sure these sorts of places were some type of specialty shop and only once you decided it was a contender did you look toward Donnie.

He held no hope and only looked up at the shop window once before returning his gaze to you.

You gave a furious nod before pulling him through the door where a bell chimed.

Standing as if waiting for this moment was a tall and proportionally gangly man who appraised you both with a lazy smile. “Welcome.”

“Hi…” You meant to part more of a greeting, but you were distracted as everything in the store was the same color scheme of woody monochromatics.

It dragged your eye in an odd way as even though everything matched in hue, there were dozens of items dotted about. You saw full collections of clothes to their matching accessories and onto daily items one might need. When you rounded back to the employee, you found your mate very obviously sizing up the man that was nearly his same height.

“I’d ask if you’d need help, but I think I know what you need.” The worker met Donnie’s eye with a growing grin.

You stayed in the shop long past when it was interesting for you. Apparently this man had been born and raised in New York until an aborted basketball career took him to England. There he set up the first of his specialty shops which catered to men of sizes outside the norm, such as himself. His only caveat was that he set up his collections based on whatever color he was currently interested in. He’d been successful enough that he’d returned stateside to open his second location where you currently were.

Baring how this place was some sort of strange answer to your prayers, you were left to linger amongst artifacts as Donnie tried to conscript this man into his fashion repertoire. It would probably be the only face you cared to recognize though the longer you hung out the more you wondered if you would need to bridge those gaps. You let Donnie handle a lot, but with a child there would be a growing need to share the load.

Donnie would happily share his contacts with you and you felt it was something you needed to actively pursue. You would be happy to rely on him after the horrific toll your body would eventually take with giving birth, but you didn’t want that to last forever. Just like the state of your ongoing career, you always wanted to keep a certain level of self reliance. You would ask for those designer’s numbers and make sure you could order clothes for your baby if you so needed to.

Staring hard at designer bags and wondering how many diapers they would fit, your mate eventually touched you through your bond before brushing your back. You came away with him and his tidy purchased parcel before bidding the man who worked there Farwell. Donnie loomed with one last press for the worker to consider his offer and he laughed as you both left with a chime on the door.

Day 4:

“Should I build a sports utility vehicle?” Donnie remarked suddenly from within the car.

From where you were still lost admiring his garage, you hadn’t really registered what he said. “Huh?”

He extracted himself and folded his arms on the roof. “I suppose a crossover may make more sense… This vehicle is equipped with four doors, but what if we make additional family outings? A sturdier vehicle may be justified.”

You followed along a wall of peg boards that had just about every tool imaginable. In contrast with said car itself, the garage had a less futuristic and more industrious feel. Ahead of you lie a row of metal cabinetry that you thought should have been a trademark red, but had been painted a signature purple. They led to a pair of classic roll-up doors that had acted as both entry for you and the vehicle. You turned and examined the final wall which was marked with heavy machinery. The encompassing space flanked a car lift that sat in the dead center to the garage so mechanic work could be done. “I’m not sure…”

Donnie made a similarly unsure noise before dipping back into the car for whatever he was doing.

He had told you.

You used to know.

You had yet to get over that you were here.

It seemed kismet. It was almost like the moment you decided to find out what little you still didn’t know about Donnie was when he told you he’d be running a maintenance check on the car. Where the vehicle was kept was one such mystery you had never found out so you jumped at the chance to do it with him. He was predictably happy to run an errand with you and only warned you about the part of town.

You figured it mattered little with him by your side and, in practice, that had been correct. His garage was one bay located in a sea of others that were painted with graffiti. There were dingy piles of trash scattered about and busted street lights seemed to indicate that the other tenants were strip shops.

It was none of your business and you turned a blind eye as the car had taken you cleanly to your destination. Everything was automated up until the bay doors had closed. After that, Donnie had taken over and gotten to work while giving you a pass to look around as you pleased.

You guessed the only thing this place seemed to be missing was a place to sit.

Doing another lap with your eyes, you had yet to locate a single chair. When you analyzed the peg board, you found a creeper hung up amongst everything else, but you didn’t really want to disrupt its place. You walked over to it regardless and frowned at its existence. You had a silly fleeting thought about using Donnie’s tools to weld some of the junk together into a chair, but you were disrupted by sounds of compression. Turning around, you watched as the car lift did its job and the car soared up to a manageable height for your husband to slip underneath it.

“Diagnostics clean. Oil change.” Donnie told you before he went to the metal cabinets to grab what you figured he’d need.

“Surprised there isn’t a toolbelt set of mech arms to do that for you.” You moved to look under the car for the sake of it.

“There is.” You heard his voice rove.

You stared up at what looked like the usual underside of a vehicle. “What?”

“It tunes itself.” He returned with a few items in his arms.

“Then why are you…?” You swiveled a finger toward his load.

He smiled softly at you before getting to work.

You checked the radius he seemed to set up and moved just outside of it to watch him. He continued to give that comfortable grin as he went through the motions of removing parts. You watched him switch tools and readied yourself in case he called for something, but he never did. Instead, he cranked through what appeared to be a second nature process until old oil was draining out into a pan. It was only then, as he leaned back to let the excess drip, that he finally addressed you.

“I like the process.”

“Easy work?” You ducked under a tire and let a hand rest against the rubber.

“Yes, but that’s not why.”

You waited for him to expand.

He took a breath and looked up into the car to decipher his thoughts. “The monotony can be therapeutic. While the garage is fully automated, I sometimes prefer to do it for the sake.”

It felt like it was too soon to ask if he was nervous again though you sort of got the feeling he was.

You decided to let him tell you if and when he was ready.

“With the big trip, does it help knowing you got your hands on it?”

He lit up a little at the thought. “I like that. Yes.”

“I’m surprised you didn’t get driving gloves.” You mimed taking a wheel.

He chuckled and returned to his task. “Maybe if you had interest in a convertible.”

“We’d need a whole other shopping montage for that.” You made sure to lay your joking tone on thick in case he did a sudden car modification.

It was a bit too cold for that sort of thing.

Maybe in a later season.

Like on summer vacations when you took trips across the country.

You’d see landmarks and Donnie would be the sort of dad who would do it all for the sake of education.

Something clicked into place and you returned to see said man in his current form wiping his hands on a towel.

“All done?”

He gave a genial nod as he passed to put his tools away.

You sort of registered him disposing of the oil and washing his hands.

You circled the car trying to envision what a family version of it would be like until it eventually lowered to take you home.

Day 5:

“We should have bought little toiletries! They have bottles of this stuff ready to buy!” You whined as the funnel you were using to fill little empty bottles with kept getting backed up.

“Not my formulation.” Donnie chirped and was doing the same right beside you.

“This is too slow…!” You drew out an annoying tone on purpose.

Your husband only chuckled.

You flopped against his arm and watched abysmally as liquid soap oozed into the container at a snail’s pace.

You could feel your mate’s contrasting levity even without your ring.

“Monotony thing?” You asked.

He shook his head obviously.

You let the few beats of your irritation peter you so you could see past it. “That we leave first thing in the morning?”

You sensed his smile before you saw it.

When you did you saw it wasn’t fully committed. “What?”

“I’m done.” Donnie removed himself from your side so fast you nearly fell over.

“Hey!” You jeered.

He capped his bottle off and returned its larger parent product back to its place in the bathroom.

“How’d you do that!?” You called after him.

You heard him pad away in a hurry.

“How did you cheat at filling!?” You couldn’t help but laugh.

You heard only the sound of him rummaging through your suitcase to put the container in with other toiletries. Your lips pursed and you bet he had some kind of mental algorithm that perfectly calculated flow speed. That was some sort of nerdy math that was so very him. Your bottle eventually finished filling and you played up a slog once you emerged with it from the bathroom.

You meant to put on a whole show as if the tiny thing was tremendously heavy, but your mate was clearly waiting. 

You saw he had a box in hand.

A box that made your spine go straight.

A box you had become all too familiar with.

Donnie placed the pregnancy tests into the suitcase with care.

You forgot all about your little bottle and tackled him.

Day 6:

Your alarm blared.

Groaning as it had jarred you from sleep, you slapped the side table. Your husband shifted beside you. You once had the perfect schedule planned. Last night when you were finishing up packing, you were on track to get a tidy eight hours and still leave before dawn for your Valentine’s road trip.

Only after seeing a certain box, you’d thrown out said timeline to instead fuck each other senseless.

Images of the prior night slid around your brain as you forced yourself to sit upright. Donnie blew out a preparatory air to move himself. You patted his shell and heard a mental recording of him from the prior night praising your fluids.

“You, drinks. Me, breakfast.” You told him and tried to parse out what it had been.

It was hot, whatever it was.

Donnie grunted an agreement and gave himself a few more seconds. Throwing your legs out from under the covers, your nude body shuddered against the early morning cold. You found your socks first and stuffed your feet into them. As your toes hit the floor with protection, you spied Donnie’s pants and flung them behind you for him to wear.

You shuffled away from the bed to reach any type of top that would fit you. Sadly you found yours first which meant you also still needed to find bottoms. Cold nipped your ass cheeks by the time you found some and you stuffed your legs into them with a hobble. Your mate surfaced and gave an appreciative chirp as he found his joggers.

You made a similar sound before heading toward the kitchen. Donnie would allow no window that let cold seep in, but something about the glass still seemed to hold winter against its pane. You studied it for signs of frost while you pulled out a bowl. There didn’t appear to be any ice crystals so you set out a pan on a burner to warm.

You gathered eggs.

You cracked them into the bowl.

Their consistency oozed.

That’s what Donnie had said last night.

He had said your discharge wasn’t as thick as it usually was when you were about to start your period.

You blinked wide awake.

Today was day six.

Your period was six days late.

Today was the arbitrary date that meant you could take a pregnancy test.

Though you had done it regardless just in case, this would be the first time it seemed like you might be pregnant.

The eggs felt prodigal.

You whisked them up and were zealous in cooking. Donnie appeared beside you not nearly as awake. For a long moment, he observed you making breakfast before his mind caught up with him to grind fresh beans to make coffee. You had full plates ready before his water had even boiled.

“Excited?” He spoke in a deep voice tinged with sleep.

“Very!” You pecked his cheek and headed for the couch.

You would test at the bed and breakfast.

Not before.

It would be an agonizing wait, but it would be worth it.

You could see yourself in an ostentatious bathroom sitting on a toilet with one of those fuzzy seat covers.

Donnie would be waiting with a timer.

It was February 13th.

You would have the most lavish Valentine’s.

One of Donnie’s favorite holidays now made all the better.

You scarfed your food down and forewent Donnie’s drink offer to instead get ready. You didn’t need the caffeine currently as you were high on your thoughts alone. You hadn’t set these sorts of expectations for your trip, but now it seemed like a given. There had been nothing, but signs. Every day you had been late had been in your favor.

How had you not noticed?

You were riding cloud nine as you washed up. The universe was paying you back for the last few months. You decided that had to be it as you eventually dressed. Donnie appeared behind you and you could hear him churr each time you passed him.

He liked to see you excited.

He loved seeing you happy.

You were going on a road trip together.

You packed the last few things in your shared suitcase and resisted zipping it up. It took quite a bit of focus to not eye the tests too much. You couldn’t close the luggage quite yet because Donnie still had a few things to put away.

“I’m gonna get my coat!” You told him and scurried toward the door.

If he responded, you didn’t hear.

You shoved your arms into your sleeves one at a time and then fiddled with your scarf.

“Almost.” Donnie told you in an apologetic tone.

He felt bad he was lagging behind. 

“It’s fine!” You could care less.

He believed you and you heard the distinct sound of rustling in your suitcase. That meant Donnie was almost done and you would soon leave. You would be out on the open road with your mate. You were going on a little vacation. You were going to have a blast. You had a list. You remembered how you had gathered those little known spots and rotated your body in search of your phone. 

The room spun.

“Oh…” Your voice warbled out and you widened your stance to stabilize.

“And….!” Donnie’s voice led with anticipation.

You blinked out of your lightheadedness.

That was odd.

You hadn’t fallen over, but you had been hit with a sudden wave of weakness.

It then disappeared like it was never there and you had your phone. 

That was strange.

It was almost as if you had momentarily lost blood.

“Done!” Donnie rounded the corner with a bright smile and the closed suitcase in tow.

You couldn’t help, but light up for him. “Let’s go!”

You turned to grab his coat. He came in with an ever present churr to him and you shook his outer layer out. He dipped down into you so you could help him put it on. It was through one arm and with an expert rotation of his body that he donned it then lifted you clean off the ground in one smooth action.You giggled in his arms and he went stiff. 

“Hm?” You tried to check with him, but he kept you hugged close to his body.

All of him came along as you were placed on your feet.

“Donnie?” You pressed his arm, but he wouldn’t release.

He had you in a bear hug.

“Donatello?” You patted his carapace heavily. “Is something wrong?”

He clung to you.

“Don?! Hey!”

His forehead dropped to your shoulder.

“Donatello!!”

His beak rooted down toward your chest.

“Please answer me!”

He shook one visceral time.

You went silent. 

His nails dragged against your coat.

You felt exactly how the fibers slipped under his nail beds until his arms were free from you.

He then stood.

Straight up and to his full height.

Where you saw abject fury on his features.

Your features drooped. “Don… nie…?”

His lip quivered with rage and he couldn’t meet your eye.

“Don…?” You whispered.

He sought the corners of the room before his jaw wound so tight you saw veins bulge.

It took a great effort before he managed to snarl out a single word.

“Overwhelmed.”

It came with spit and he took one robotic step to the right where he grabbed the door handle with a strength that decimated it. He snapped the knob clean off. His vision quaked at the broken entry and you watched it creak open for him from S.H.E.L.L.D.O.N.’s doing. Donnie appraised the exit for one second before he yanked it wide open. There he took a lethal step forward. It was followed by another and another in a methodical process as he walked out of your apartment and down the hall with echoing footfalls.

“Overwhelmed…?” You mumbled to yourself.

That didn’t seem like the right reaction. 

He had been calmer this morning than he had been in awhile. 

Something must have set him off at the last second. 

You wondered what. 

Your trip?

You were running a bit late. 

Late. 

You remembered the fainting spell.

With dawning horror you looked over the still open door and left it to head to the bathroom.

You didn’t remember the steps.

You floated.

You were in the living room then you were on tile.

The moment you fiddled with your belt you felt it.

Every step after.

The button.

The zipper.

Fabric slid down your hips.

It was all givens.

You lowered your underwear and saw thick blotch of bright red messing the gusset.

You sat on the toilet and stared at the fabric strung up between your legs.

You didn’t care.

You didn’t care about the stain.

You kicked off your shoes so you could remove your pants.

You didn’t care about the timing.

You got the underwear off and waded them.

You didn’t care about the smell.

The all too common scent of menstrual blood was now perfuming the air.

You didn’t care about the lack of signs.

You threw the pair away.

You wiped.

The texture was exactly as thick as it should be.

You blotted until there was barely any red residue and sought a period product.

You went back over the last few days.

There had been no warning of your period.

That wasn’t so unusual.

It had happened in the past.

Not often, but it happened.

You gathered your pants and went to get fresh underwear.

Ones you didn’t care about losing.

You were about to go on a road trip after all.

You got yourself situated.

You put them on and then your pants.

You sat with your fly down on the edge of your bed.

Donnie.

He’d been furious.

It had been a long time since you’d seen him that upset.

It made sense.

You fell back.

Your womb felt angered.

You felt the first vestiges of cramps.

You were far too aware of the organs in your lower body.

You closed your eyes. 

It wasn’t like this was the first time you had both gotten your hopes up.

Right?

Something about the sentence snapped your eyes open.

You weren’t sure if Donnie had gotten his hopes up. 

You thought back.

You had been upset. 

He’d doted on you.

He’d said his piece about picking up slack for his partner.

He’d said he’d been thankful for the delay.

He’d been anxious. 

He’d mentioned the calm in monotony. 

The oil. 

The bottle filling. 

He’d never been overt.

He always relied on the science.

He had only ever spoken of the probability.

“Oh no…” 

While you had been putting the delay out of your mind, he was the slave to the schedule.

He was more attuned to your period than you.

First blood marked new cycles.

It stamped a failure to conceive. 

Everything hinged on those time frames.

He lived by them.

He moved in the monotony.

He allowed himself to celebrate early.

You folded your hands, one over the other, over your womb and held your ring.

You didn’t call for him.

He needed the space.

It was so much worse for him.

His lifetimes of anguish didn’t allow for hope.

Hope threatened his well being.

He had let a little creep in.

His anger probably wasn’t even with the blood.

Just as you weren’t mad about having started your period.

He was furious with himself.

For having given into that weakness.

Your heart ached for your mate and you pushed all the mysticism in your body to keep that from him.

He didn’t need to punish himself more.

Not now.

For now, you waited.

Your tech gauntlet buzzed a careful question.

You hoped nothing had happened and reached for your phone. S.H.E.L.L.D.O.N.’s call appeared as soon as you did. You talked quietly with your son. He wasn’t calling for an update; he was calling out of concern. You soothed him the best you could. His nervous words echoed in your ears long after you’d gotten off the phone. He also hadn’t seen his dad that upset in years. 

It was many hours later when Donnie returned.

You weren’t asleep, but he appeared before you between blinks. He only looked down at where your fly was still undone. He presumably took in the peak of your new underwear before looking up at you with a listless question even though he already knew the answer.

You gave a solitary nod.

His fingers came ice cold to your stomach as he did up your fly for you. For as chilly as his digits were, there was nothing, but tenderness in the way he did your belt. Once they were in place, he laid his hands flat against your stomach and held soothing over the space. 

“Have you ever taken a drive when you were upset?”

He only looked at you with that same dead-eyed gaze.

You returned with what felt like one of your own.

“I’ve flown.” He managed.

“Driving is different.”

He stared on.

“Drive.” You told him as you got up.

He made space for you and you were eventually packed in the car.

Getting out of the city was stop and go.

Then traffic sparsed out and it was open roads.

You didn’t stop for snacks.

You drove straight by the food stand you had marked off.

You never paused at a rest stop.

Without any detours, you made your reservation.

The wine paired expertly with the meal.

You thought you might not taste it, but you did.

It was divine.

You were full and soaked in a mild buzz as you headed toward the bed and breakfast.

Streetlights flashed one at a time across your face.

A warm glow to a multi-tiered exterior eventually greeted you.

You parked in silence as the cabin was soundproof. 

You liked the sound of your boots against the gravel drive.

An older couple greeted you warmly, but saw your worn out expressions. They gave you nothing, but privacy and a shorthand of what you needed to know about the house. Your room was exactly how you imagined.

You changed bloodied products.

You took pain medicine as an ache had settled into your lower back. Donnie boiled himself in a shower that was far too small for him. You were warming your hands by a live fire when he emerged. You heard him tuck into bed and you read through the last steps to care for the flames before joining him. Glowing embers did little to ward off the dark when you turned off the lights.

For a while you lay beside your mate until you turned into him.

He was on you in an instant.

Making himself as small as possible, he buried into your chest and let go.

You held him as he sobbed.

You held him long past when he ran out of tears.

You held him when the room had gone cold.

You held him until the first birds wriggled free of the cold.

You held him under the many blankets that shielded you both. 

“Let’s stop trying, trying,” you whispered to him.

Whether he agreed or not, his head bobbed as he pulled you that much closer.

You would figure out the logistics later. For now, it was Valentine’s day.

💜 NEXT 💜

I wonder how many times I've thanked @tmntxthings and @thepinkpanther83

[clean-bands-dirty-stories]

Babbling ~ P.P.

A/n: Sorry for missing Monday, but here’s this <3 Another request done :)

Request: “Tasm!Peter x male reader where reader gets invited to a party and brings Peter as his plus one or whatever and Peter getting drunk and touchy and confesses and saying how he wants to be with him and spend the rest of his life with him...” by anon

Word count: 2700+

MASTERLIST

Peter Parker and Y/n had always been a story for the ages.

It hadn't been life long friends, and their meeting hadn't been all that important. They'd had a class together and as both of them engaged with the content and asked questions and did reports and read out loud, their faces became familiar with each other. Then Spider-Man had gotten caught up in a fight and his mask had come off. Y/n had been stunned to see the big brown doe eyes of the cute guy in his AP bio class.

It had been the most anti-climactic thing, truly. Y/n had discovered a sight dedicated to "fangirling over Spider-Man" except that they didn't do much discussion or giving of content. However, when Y/n went through the internet looking for pictures with Spider-Man's face, there was a startling very few available. For how many hungry reporters and shocked civilian or eager tourist was here and with how often Spider-Man lost or destroyed or just straight up took off his mask, there should be more.

When he found that there were images, they were just unavailable, he deep dove it and used his skill witch coding to figure out what happened. And what he uncovered was stunning - the website "dedicated to fangirling over Spiderman" was either a cover, or they believed that the best fans were dedicated to keeping Spider-Man's secret identity a secret. Peter Parker was New York's little secret.

It made Y/n so curious to meet the man. So of course they had to.

Asking for notes or a pencil or complimenting a sweater or giggling at his jokes that he said under his breath turned into lunches together for convenience and then studying together and then suddenly they were friends. Exchanging phone numbers and inside jokes and nicknames.

It was obvious that he was Spider-Man if you knew what you were looking for. His poor excuses and his sudden exists and late entries. Cancelled plans right when Spider-Man was needed, and all for a job that didn't even pay that well.

Peter was fairly good at hiding it. He was a disaster - a mistake waiting to happen - but he had a whole city behind him so it was okay.

It made Y/n fall in love with Spider-Man even more.

And maybe Peter Parker too.

There was something about the boy though. Something darker that he shook off when he had the mask. Something heavy that was easy to miss when you couldn't see his facial expressions. There was a distance when Y/n would jokingly flirt or be physically affectionate. He offered to take Peter to meet his folks once and Peter had seemed... to not like that. He had squirmed and wriggled, desperate to get away. When he came up with an "emergency" and Spider-Man stopped a mugger and got a kite out of tree Y/n knew that he shouldn't bring it up again.

It was obvious that Peter had lost someone, so Y/n tucked away any realizations or feelings and let them stay casual friends. Not best friends, not truly close - always at an arm's length. But friends.

Until, of course, Peter got drunk.

Peter never wanted to go anywhere or do anything. Y/n was pretty sure he was depressed. Which had driven him to try and get Peter out more, to find him hobbies and past times. Peter had come to the parties and gatherings and slam poetries and walks and clubs Y/n had dragged him to, just like tonight, with the understanding that if he needed to leave he could at any moment.

It didn't seem that moment would come tonight.

At some point Peter had put down his phone and walked away after having a few drinks, getting looser and more relaxed. He never went far from Y/n but seemed to have a hard time sitting still or staying in the same place. They paced or walked in circles and that seemed to do the trick. Y/n had noticed the other man put down his phone after checking the time and walked away again, so Y/n had snagged it for safe keeping. He would give it back tomorrow morning.

It took a lot or drinks for Peter to get proper wasted, but it happened. It seemed to be absent minded and on accident. He kept talking and walking, keeping his voice above the music in the room, and Y/n found himself trailing after in a love sick haze. Peter was gorgeous on his own, but the way his face light up and his hair got messier and messier... he was breathtaking when he went on rants, and Y/n was more than pleased to listen.

So he didn't stop Peter from drinking. And to be fair, neither did Peter.

Y/n knew they'd both made a mistake when Peter stopped walking, leaning against a table behind him and sighing. Y/n came closer to check on him and Peter reached out, fingers wrapping around Y/n's waist and face pressing into his shoulder. Y/n's body blossomed with heat and something akin to a buzzing, making him tense but giddy.

He tried to ignore that.

Peter sighed, leaning against Y/n, and the more sober of them gave a little chuckle. "You okay, Pete?"

"You're so comfy," was all Peter had to say. His voice was soft and airy, almost sleepy. But he had no problem mostly keeping himself up, nor did he seem to sway or buckle. He was just... drawn to Y/n. Like a magnet.

Y/n blushed. "Thank you."

Peter stared, for a long time, not saying anything. Y/n got nervous, shifting. The look was full of adoration and warmth. Admiration simmered at the edges, a sappy smile smearing across his face. "Did I ever mention that you look really attractive when you get all..." he tilted his head, searching for a word. "Blushy." He giggled. "Shy? No. Not just shy, but reserved too. Nervous." His face flitted briefly into a scowl, but when he went from trying yo grasp the word in his mind to admiring Y/n again, the smile came back. "I'm glad we met."

Y/n couldn't get the courage to look at him. "So am I." He cleared his throat, melting under that gaze. Under those words. "Perhaps we should get home."

Peter nodded. "I don't want to be here anymore. Let's go somewhere - just us." He took Y/n's hands, taking longer to do so as he traced Y/n's fingers and sighed blissfully at the contact. Like he was relieved after so long wanting it. Like how Y/n did when he felt the touch.

"Yeah. If that's what you really want." Y/n closed his eyes, chastising himself and forcing himself to stay focused. "Tomorrow. Tonight you need sleep." He began walking, keeping an eye on if Peter needed help walking, but he didn't. Not surprising for the same Spider-Man that could balance on a string that seemed thin as hair, or cling to any surface.

Peter whined and Y/n had to hide a smile with his free hand. "Not tomorrow," he begged, tugging on Y/n's hand. It was almost like a child begging for candy in the store, but less dramatic and much mote desperate. The thought of leaving Y/n seemed to genuinely upset him... Y/n didn't know how to feel about that. "I'll go to bed if you spend the night."

Now that was dangerous.

Y/n only hummed in thought, actually considered it. Drunk people were hard to handle and even if he didn't, he would need to lie to Peter to get him home. If the superhero genuinely didn't want to go or decided that messing around with Y/n to prolong their time together it would he near impossible to get ahold of him again...

They got all the way to Peter's door before he spoke again. "Are you staying?"

Y/n gave him a sideways look as he pushed the door open, having snagged Peter's keys from his pocket. He'd thought he's gotten away with it after such a long silence, but it seemed Peter was eternally patient even drunk. He sighed as they moved into the apartment, Peter always snatching Y/n's hand the second they were free. "Why does it matter so much to you that I stay, hm?" He pulled himself away from the drunk man again, closing the door and putting the keys away. Pulling Peter's jacket off and removing his shoes and grabbing a glass of water and Ibuprofen for tomorrow morning, setting it on the table at Peter's bed. It was only when he seemed finished, about to head out again, that Peter caught him.

Holding one of Y/n's hands in each of his, looking deep into his eyes, Peter didn't just seem genuine, he seemed raw. Exposed. "Y/n. I've been punishing myself for so long... always alone. For so long." He closed his eyes, pressing their foreheads together. "It's suffocating me, the loneliness. And you make it easier to breathe. So... stay. If you want." He swallowed before adding a breathless, "Please."

Y/n's heart was ramming in his chest. "If you need a friend tonight, I can of course stay." He added friend on purpose this time - to remind himself.

That seemed to upset Peter though. "Don't call yourself that. Please, please don't-" he closed his eyes tightly. "I know we're friends. And I'm goad we're friends. But don't remind me we're friends when I want to kiss you so badly. Please."

Y/n's breath caught. "Pete-" He stopped himself. "You're drunk. You don't know what you're saying."

Peter chuckled, shaking his head. "Drunk words are sober thoughts. That's a popular saying for a reason."

Oh god.

"You- I-" Y/n's face was burning and he was running out of reasons to go. Ways to deny it. Peter was Spider-Man. There's so much Y/n still wasn't supposed to know. They'd been friends for a while now, and they were just getting close. There was still that gap though. That space that Peter kept.

Now he was throwing all of it away.

Peter didn't wait for Y/n to form thoughts. He let go of Y/n's hands, reaching up for his face instead. Peter's face trailed Y/n's jaw. "Can I kiss you? I... I've wanted to kiss you for so long. If you felt the same way. The way your heart is racing, I thought you might."

Y/n's eyes widen. Of course he can hear heartbeats. The world wouldn't be as unfair as it was if he couldn't.

But also, how could be lie now? When Peter knew he was? And maybe it was selfish, and he'd get his heart broken in the morning, but Peter was begging and god if Y/n wasn't just as eager.

"Okay."

There was no hesitation after that. Y/n had expected raging fire, or fireworks, but there was none of that. It was relief, cool to the touch like a breeze on a sweltering day, or a breath after drowning. It was laying in bed after a long, exhausting day or drinking something warm and sitting by the fire after a day of ice and snow.

Y/n did more than just stay over. It happened so fast, each kiss getting more and more desperate until their hands were wandering and they were falling back onto the bed and Peter didn't stutter a single second. He didn't stumble or hesitate. He had seemed to drink so much but all his words came easily, any slur he'd had before completely gone. He seemed sober.

Y/n was an idiot.

He tried to leave, but Peter had gripped onto his arm and begged him to stay. So Y/n woke up next to him in the morning, slipping out of bed and wandering into the living room.

Okay so that had just happened.

He felt like a villain. He felt like a moron. Peter had been drunk. FUCK he was a horrible person.

Out of part guilt and part anxiety, Y/n tidied the living room and kitchen before beginning to make breakfast. He couldn't in good will just leave Peter alone that morning, but he also couldn't stay in that bed. See Peter panic when he woke up and realized what had happened.

Would he panic? Would he be angry?

He would be justified to feel angry.

Y/n jumped when a set of arms wrapped around his waist from behind, a face burying into his shoulder. "Smells good," came Peter's muffled voice.

Y/n wordlessly finished the food, plating it and turning off the stove before turning to Peter. The brunette seemed weirdly unphased, taking each thing and making two plates, then wandering into the living room to set them down on the clean table, plopping onto the couch. He smiled. "And you clean? I'm spoiled."

Y/n crossed his arms over his chest, a little confused and a little annoyed. "Peter. We need to talk about last night."

The smile faded off of his face and it happened so easily that Y/n was stunned to realize it had been more fake than he'd realized. "I'm sorry."

That came as a shock too. "You're sorry? You? Peter, I'm sorry."

Peter looked up at that, narrowing his eyes in confusion. "I'm the one who was pushing you into-" He looked away. "You obviously regret it, and it was stupid, and I'm sorry I just-"

Y/n scoffed. "Peter, you were drunk. You were more honest than you usually are. That isn't a bad thing. But you were drunk, and I wasn't, and I completely took advantage of you and-"

Peter tilted his head. "I wasn't drunk."

Y/n froze. "What?"

Peter blushed. "Well- I was drunk at first." He looked away, fiddling with a couch pillow. "But by the time we got here I was pretty much sober. I have some what of a healing factor, so-"

Y/n's eyes widened. "You have a what?"

Peter looked back, his expression dripping with amusement. "Y/n, I'm not good at keeping secrets, and you're not good at it either. My mask is hanging up on the hook by the door and you hung up my keys next to it and didn't even blink."

Y/n's head whipped around and - sure enough - there was the mask.

Damnit.

He looked back sheepishly, rubbing the back of his neck. "I... just..."

Peter laughed, standing from the couch. "It's okay. I... appreciate it, honestly. Most people demand explanations or details or ask an overwhelming questions. When I realize you knew?" He shook his head. "How long have you known?"

Y/n pursed his lip, shrugging. A... while."

Peter snorted. "Since the beginning then."

Y/n winced. "Not the very beginning."

Peter laughed again, this time closing the distance between them. "I don't know what you were beating yourself up for but I hope you realize that you don't have to. I was drunk, and that made me much more affectionate than I usually am... but, it was the affection itself that drove me insane.  It was likeI'd been starving." He shrugged. "I probably was. But kissing you..." He smiled sweetly.

Y/n blushed. It was quiet for a moment before he asked, “So you’re glad last night happened?”

Peter grinned. “Yes. I am.” He shuffled, as if he wanted to ask something but felt too silly to do so.

“I’m glad it happened too,” Y/n eased. Peter melted in relief, his expression blooming with adoration - so close to the way he had looked at Y/n last night. Y/n took his hand, tracing the bones and veins. “Do you… want to be my boyfriend?” He cringed - it felt so silly to ask. Like he was in middle school all over again.

A chuckle came from Peter, but his answer didn’t follow in the form of words. Instead he reached over, catching Y/n’s chin and leaning into a kiss. They sighed blissfully at the same time, and Y/n divided that was answer enough.

-

Male Readers: @ravenpuff-oli @sortzz @fadedver

[pluraldeepdive]

I want to share this article archived by the wayback machine in 1997 and I believe to be written by Dr. John M. Grohol. Here is a link to the archived page. I feel like it's helpful to see a piece of history like this because, even almost THIRTY YEARS later, people are still called fake or have doubt cast on them for simply being open on the Internet about having DID or being a system!

_________________________

"The Prevalence of Multiples Online

Multiple Personality Disorder or DID Seems Prevalent Online

We see a growing number of individuals who visit our Web site and write us e-mail, as well as participate in mental health chats, that seem to have multiple personality disorder (MPD), or the disorder's newest name, dissociative identity disorder (DID). People with DID seem to be in many support rooms found online for mental health support. We even host a popular discussion forum for MPD/DID here on Mental Health Net.

So what's this all about? Is DID really that prevalent online?? Does the online world somehow draw more people with DID to it? Is DID being diagnosed more often because of more accurate tests? What's going on here??

From our experiences, it seems clear that a little bit of everything is involved in the greater numbers of people who suffer from this disorder showing up online. First is the greater knowledge and education amongst behavioral healthcare professionals about this disorder. If they know what to look for, which they are better trained to do more now than ever, they are more likely to be able to accurately diagnosed MPD/DID in individuals. This has been accomplished by greater research in this area in recent years as well as more information being trickled down to the clinicians who actually do most of the diagnosing and therapy of individuals with this disorder.

In addition to greater numbers of individuals being diagnosed with this disorder, many more of those people who get the diagnosis are coming online to find out more information and support for their problem. While there is still debate about how prevalent MPD/DID is within the general population, finding reliable and accurate epidemiological information about the disorder can often be difficult, if not downright impossible. Much of this is due to the political debate which has surrounded the diagnosis of MPD/DID in the past few years (Coons, 1989). Many misconceptions still exist and are even perpetrated by some mental health professionals. So information found online may fill some people's needs with this disorder.

But because it is a rare disorder, it also means there won't be any support groups available in their community for this problem. Like rare medical conditions and the popularity support groups for those have enjoyed online, so too are MPD/DID groups popular online. People with this disorder have found one another and can discuss issues that only other people with DID/MPD can understand and sympathize with.

Last, the symptoms of DID/MPD are such that there is often times an accompanying (and justified) social fear, out of concern of the ramifications of switching personalities when in the company of others (whether at work, at home, at a party, etc.). This fear is not nearly as powerful or present when in an online chat room or discussion forum. This is probably because such forums are devoid of many of the social cues and nonverbal communications which may encourage an emerging personality to present him or herself. It may be easier, in fact, for someone who suffers from MPD/DID to talk to others in such a forum because of the ability to remain present in a singular personality.

There is no clear reason why so many people seem to have this disorder in online chat rooms. It is likely a combination of factors which have resulted in this perception. This should be no need or cause for alarm, since individuals who have DID/MPD we've spoken to have overwhelmingly given high marks to the experiences they've had in online support rooms and forums. As more and more people come online, we will expect to find more rare mental disorders represented, especially those which have a social component which may be helped through an online modality of communications."

[mbti-notes]

Funny story, the other day I received a question about the quotation "Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate". (Sorry to the person who asked because I lost track of your handle and must now post the full response here. You're about to see the journey you've sent me on.) The question was vaguely worded, so I can only assume it was requesting a source for the quotation. This struck me as odd for a couple reasons. First, the quotation is widely attributed to Jung, so it shouldn't be very difficult to find the source. When I say "widely", I mean it is not only used all over the internet, it also appears in numerous books. Second, the quotation does a great job of encapsulating a central tenet of Jung's theory, so there is nothing particularly strange or suspicious about it.

Since I'm used to academic writing and wading through research materials, I'm usually diligent about finding the original source of quotations in order to avoid misattributions. But I was lax in this case because I allowed myself to assume that such a well-known quotation must have already been checked by someone. A mistake. A preliminary search revealed that a small handful of people have doubted the attribution, but a definitive answer seemed elusive. So, I decided to take a deep dive into the literature. I searched through Jung's as well as whatever Jung-adjacent and Jung-inspired works I could get my hands on.

I was unable to find a verbatim source in Jung's own writing. However, this isn't enough for me to claim that he never said it. It's possible that it was lifted from a discussion, lecture, or interview, of which the transcripts are not readily available. Jung did write sentences that were remarkably similar to the quotation in meaning, so it's also possible that the quotation was somehow mangled or lost in translation from the original language, which makes it difficult to match up with the official English editions of his work.

I then decided to locate its earliest usage in order to piece together an origin story. The earliest date I could find was ~2006, which is a huge red flag. Books by Jung and about Jung span the entire last century, so one would expect at least a few references from earlier periods, especially throughout the 90s when psychoanalytic theory was widely referenced in a variety of academic disciplines. Of course, books before the 90s haven't all been indexed and made available to search online, so a citation might still exist out there somewhere in a very obscure book.

I then decided to examine books published since 2006 that contained the quotation to see if any included a citation. This was even more of a red flag because, in every case, the authors either did not provide a citation, cited another post-2006 book, or cited a (dubious) internet resource. It turns out that 2006 might be an important piece of the puzzle because it was around then that goodreads.com went online and became a widely used resource for quotations.

Although goodreads makes it clear that they don't verify information, people often trust the website because it is assumed that readers are quoting accurately as they read the actual books. The Jung quotation in question is listed on their website and could even be the first instance, but there was no citation and I couldn't find who originally posted it in order to ask where they got it from. Whoever originally posted it was obviously familiar enough with Jungian theory to capture some of its essence.

In conclusion, I hazard to guess that there are three main possibilities for how this quotation came into being. Around the mid 2000s, someone reading something in the original language posted their own personal translation of it, or they got it from an obscure source, or they fabricated it for reasons unknown. From there, the quotation got picked up by various parties and spread far and wide.

I decided to tell this story because I think it's a good example of how misinformation creeps around online and gradually becomes "reality". The numerous steps I had to go through to investigate this one tiny piece of information illustrates how tedious it can be to verify the things you read. Should we expect the masses to verify every word they come across? It's not realistic, is it? Teachers and parents tell kids to be careful about the internet content they consume, to not take things at face value, to not believe everything they see and hear, etc. But it isn't easy (or fun) to always be on alert even for the motivated, even for this weary and grizzled researcher.

Fortunately, nobody's gonna die from a misattributed quote. But, what about subjects of consequence such as medicine or geopolitics where truth really matters? I love that we have so much information at our fingertips. I just wish we didn't always have to battle against greed and chaos to find the good stuff.

[gallifreyanhotfive]

Do you have any recommendations on Dr. Who books/audio format things? I haven't watched the show in a bit because Moffat wasn't my thing and I can't seem to find the old stuff. (If you have any advice on where to find that too I would be very grateful) Following your blog has been a nice reminder of why I liked the show so much. Hope you have a good day!

Aw thank you! Depending on your location, you can find classic who episodes either on BBC iPlayer or Tubi (with ads).

As for books/audios, I'll try to keep this brief as I could write an essay on this.

For books, my favorite author is Kate Orman. Orman writes wonderfully, and my personal favorite is The Year of the Intelligent Tigers. I also really liked Goth Opera, Camera Obscure, History 101, Autumn Mist, Lungbarrow, Divided Loyalties, Somewhere Never etc etc etc etc (so many more but I'm forcing myself to stop here). You can often find free versions of basically every novel (at least all I've looked for) on the internet either as pdfs or epubs or whatever. The Internet Archive is particularly useful. Some examples:

And now for the audios! I personally have sold my soul to Big Finish. I have literally hundreds of recommendations. They do have some audios for free, such as those that came from the Paul Spragg Memorial Competition. You can also find a lot of them (up until Zagreus I think) for free on Spotify. There is also almost always a killer sale going on on the website on top of that too.

As for my recommendations, it's pretty dependent on what Doctor or companion you want to listen to. They even have series centered on UNIT, Romana's Gallifrey, Benny Summerfield, and a ton of other things (including a Masterful special that just had a bunch of Masters fucking around and finding out). I'll put in some of my favorites, one for each Doctor, from what I own (which is far from everything, but I do my best).

One: The Sontarans. It was the first time the Doctor had ever encountered the Sontarans, so he was unfamiliar with them. It takes place during Dalek Master Plan, so Steven and Sara are there.

Two: Lords of the Red Planet! It's a good Ice Warrior origin story and has Jamie and Zoe in it. :)

Three: Terror of the Master. I had pre-ordered it as soon as I heard about it. Three....Delgado Master....what more do you want from an audio? It's narrated by Jon Culshaw.

Four: The Wrath of the Iceni. It was a brilliant historical with Four and Leela and Boudica. Leela gets quite a lesson in this one, first being mad at Four for not helping Boudica and then at Boudica for being cruel.

Okay now we are getting into my favorite Doctors (5-8), so these decisions are going to get difficult.

Five: The Kingmaker! Shakespeare spikes Five's drink to get him absolutely wasted to sneak on the TARDIS, the TARDIS gets hiccups as a result, leading to Peri and Erimem being separated from the Doctor. Shenanigans ensue.

Six: Doctor Who and the Pirates. Six and Evelyn have a really meaningful discussion with one of her depressed students. The third part is a musical!

Seven: The Shadow of the Scourge. Benny Ace and Seven against 8th dimensional eldritch abominations. Seven gets turned into one of these insectoids, and body horror ensues.

Eight: Oh dear I can't choose. At the moment, probably the Great War from Dark Eyes 1. Eight meets Molly and is still grieving here. He is very much doomed by the narrative.

War: The Neverwhen. Lots of the War Doctor is good if you like Time War horror, but this one has a lot of time-as-a-weapon and is well written.

Nine: Battle Scars. A nice short story about that one family Nine saved from the Titanic mentioned in the episode Rose. Has a really fantastic girl in it and a Nine dripping in PTSD.

Ten: The Time Reaver. Ten and Donna! There's this gun that basically slows down time for a single person, so that a few minutes for everyone else is centuries for them. Ten is a self sacrificing dope.

Eleven: The Geronimo boxset is the best in my opinion, but I haven't been able to listen to many of these yet.

Twelve: Another one I haven't managed to buy a lot of yet, but Dead Media is amazing. It's written to sound like a podcast with adverts and everything and is set during his time at St. Luke's. And I cried at the end.

Anyway, I'll shut up now. This was so much fun! Thank you!

[waitmyturtles]

THE MORNING AFTER: ONLY FRIENDS, EPISODE 3 ("BINGBONG! MUST BE THAT WIRETAP THAT I ORDERED") EDITION

Before I get started on my episode review, I just want to gather some quick thoughts about my observations of yesterday's internet:

1) Tumblr was a lot more subdued than after the first two episodes of Only Friends. Now that I've seen episode 3, it makes a lot of sense: I've noticed that I've gotten myself prepared unconsciously before watching OF much later after everyone else through the streaming vibes on my dash. I even saw some Laws of Attraction gifs before the Only Friends gifs, ha! But there's a lot going on to dig into with OF, and it makes sense why feelings are starting to get complicated over what's happening.

2) The Ephemerality Squad ( @ranchthoughts, @chickenstrangers, @lurkingshan, @slayerkitty, @twig-tea, and honorary shout-out @neuroticbookworm) hit spot-on in analysis yesterday. This was definitely another episode about the fleetingness of just about everything. Let's do this.

@ranchthoughts in their ephemerality analysis yesterday hit on the two big themes of episode 3: the continued fleeting of time, and stronger attempts of control. (@slayerkitty also nailed some excellent observations about voyeurism, which I'll hopefully have time to get into in a bit.) We were left to see how Top, Sand, and Nick, respectively, dealt with the attempts of Mew, Ray, and Boston, the three college friends, to control their environments -- and their people -- around them, all to varying degrees of.... I don't think we can say success.

I wonder if I can try to map this out, this web of attempted control. But before I do this, I want to repeat something that I jotted down in my notes as I watched the episode:

These guys are spending a disproportional amount of time -- especially Boston, Sand, and Ray -- explaining that their dalliances are only fleeting and non-committal. I noted that Sand seemed to be weakening just slightly at that during the car make-out sesh with Ray. (At the same time, I think Sand was also like, this guy's available rn? Well -- awlright, whateves, shrugs, I'm in the mood.)

But more surprisingly, WOW -- is Boston EVER BAD at setting boundaries. (Considering the discussions we on Tumblr were having about Boston's shower scene last week, that is very not surprising.)

My dude. My DUDE. "YOU CAN CALL OUR RELATIONSHIP WHATEVER YOU LIKE?" You call THAT being clear about friends with benefits? Well done, dumbass. Bro, Khai from Theory of Love is waving his damn hands in front of you, being all like, "NAAWWWW, THAT'S NOT HOW YOU DO THIS, DUDE, NOOOOOOOOOO."

And THEN Nick taps the car, but hold up, let me get back to THAT in a sec.

Anyway: @ranchthoughts did an excellent control outline here, but I'm just going to do a very quick interpersonal web to demonstrate how these guys are actually failing spectacularly at keeping things together for their own selfishness sake:

Boston -->

1) is trying to manage his "relationship" with Nick, quite failingly 2) is trying to convince Top to sleep with him by planting in Top's mind doubts about Mew and Mew's alleged virginity

Mew -->

3) is... doing what, at this point? Top is calling Mew his boyfriend. Why is Mew still holding out on sex? What's the point of the game at this point?

Ray -->

4) is clearly intrigued by Sand, to the point of hanging out at the bar alone, and inviting Sand to perform at the pool party. But, Ray: 5) is still clearly drawn to Mew. Back to Mew:

Mew -->

6) is still very aware that he has a draw on Ray (cc @neuroticbookworm). As @neuroticbookworm noted to me last night: Mew didn't call Cheum or Boston when he lost his key. He called Top first -- of course, he had to, Top is his boyfriend. And THEN, he called Ray. Mew knew Ray was checking out Sand all night. Mew called Ray out on it. MEW ENCOURAGED RAY TO GO FOR IT. And yet, Mew called Ray, knowing likely that he was going to be interrupting something. And in a Pavlovian reaction (credit @neuroticbookworm), Ray stops everything with Sand in the car to run to Mew.

Top -->

7) is trying to control his urges around Boston, and fails quite spectacularly

Sand -->

8) tries to give Ray the ol' "just friends" razzle-dazzle, but listen, when the boi be cute like that and all kissy-kissy, then, Sand, I'm not holding it against you, you had every right to dive on in, my man. And finally:

Nick -->

9) Nick is outta control, ha. I see some corners of sympathy for Nick around this way and that, but a few words here on this.

Boston is a terrifically BAD communicator. I want to say that Boston has had a consistent message for Nick: there's nothing going on here. But that's not quite the case. Boston's ALLLLL over the place with the way he's talking to Nick.

I've been in situations where I desperately wanted a man that I was sleeping with to be my boyfriend. I know the ache of being held at arm's length. It's a horrible feeling to not quite know what your FWB is thinking about you at any given moment.

On the flip side -- oh, that flip side. This kind of reminds me of how I thought about Third in Theory of Love. Boston's inconsistent communication with Nick should, arguably, be a red flag for Nick. If Nick wants, say, a relationship with Boston, welp -- do you really want a relationship with a guy who's holding you at arm's length? I might argue that Boston's inconsistent communication is CLEAR communication that he's not ready for whatever Nick is wanting from him, whether it's a relationship or even an exclusive FWB arrangement.

Again, I know and remember the feeling of being held back, of being pushed away. But as I grew up throughout my 20s (A LONG TIME AGO, DAMN IT), I figured out that the way I could find happiness was by being accountable to myself and any future partner I might have. If a guy was wasting my time, then -- he was wasting my time, and there was no other story to it. I had to learn to move on to find what I really wanted and needed for the betterment of my life.

My man, Nick, on the other hand, taps Boston's car and hears and sees the bang-bang. Boston's up to no good, no doubt, he is messing with EVERYONE. But, Nick -- what do you want from this? Where do you think this is going to go? If I were you -- damn, brother, if I were YOUR MOM -- I'd be like, sashay away. But, no, you tapped his car, and we'll find out what's really going on with that, hopefully, in the next episodes.

Last little bits. Some blue-balling in this episode. Oof. Arguably, Mew's been putting the squeeze on Top over the long haul. But to see Ray do that to Sand in the car -- eeeeyikes. Sand walked away from that with clarity -- I was impressed.

I am not getting enough Jennie Panhan in this show. First off -- FIRST OFF -- she is SLAMMIN'. Did you see those biceps? And her calm demeanor as Yo. As opposed to Cheum, who knows that Ray can get whatever he needs, fiscally, from his father -- Yo encourages Ray to get off his ass and seek out answers to his questions and feelings about Sand himself. (@twig-tea attributes this to Yo knowing that one can't control everything in one's life, an analysis that I love.) Yo encourages a touch of independence from her friends. I wonder if this is a theme from her that will continue to unwind moving forward.

We finally saw Title! And I would like to see more Tee Teeradej, pretty pwease.

Finally, rolling back to @slayerkitty's thoughts on voyeurism: @slayerkitty posited that each episode had a different modality of voyeurism and passive participation in engagement with others, an analysis that I love. (I think that absolutely speaks to the sense of aloofness and disconnect that I continue to get out of Ray and Boston in particular.) @lurkingshan also noted that a lot of the flirtation and sex in the first three episodes have involved cameras, photography, audiences, and so on.

Voyeurism: you're watching something, but you're not necessarily participating IN IT. Your engagement with an event is at arm's length.

I want to think that this, in part, is a continued commentary on the shipped couples acting in this show, and how we're SEEING them continue to break down. We might see a kiss between Khaotung and Book next week. We've seen Neo and Force together now, acting out intimacy. There's something happening between the characters of Sand and Top that will have First and Force interacting. The passive act of expecting the shipped couples to continue to ship -- is that not voyeurism on demand on behalf of the fandom?

I don't want to be passive about this: I actively continue to cheer for the ships to sink. This episode was GREAT, it held a lot, it was complicated and very open-ended, and there's a lot that needs to be explained next week.

(Speaking of next week: I will likely not have OF meta, as I'll be moving. If I do have meta, it'll maybe be stream of consciousness from the depths of my disorganized despair. But I'll be back in action after America's Labor Day -- SUPPORT UNIONS!)

[duhragonball]

Dragon Ball Magic: Return of the Asspull

So the word on Twitter is that there have been leaked reports of a new anime called "Dragon Ball Magic". I'm pretty sure it's all made-up bullshit, but I remember thinking Dragon Ball Super was a pipe dream too, and here we are. So I may as well discuss the topic here.

The whole thing comes across like a modern day Dragon Ball AF, where there seems to be a lot more emphasis on hype and speculation than tangible evidence. For example, there's a twitter account dedicated to gathering all the information available about the new series, but all it really does is amplify rumors and fanworks. When I search for the title on Twitter I mostly get skeptics making fun of the idea, or true believers talking about the show as if it were objective fact. Like AF, there's a lot of excitement but no clear picture of what the the thing actually is. The only real consensus I can find is the following:

Dragon Ball Magic will feature the Supreme Kai

Goku will be turned into a child, just like in Dragon Ball GT

Geekdom101 talked about this once, so that means it must be real.

And that's why I led off with the screenshot of the tail-yanking scene from GT, because I was trying to find an appropriate image of GT Goku and the Supreme Kai, and... yeah, that's it.

The more I think about it, the more this feels like something an internet troll would come up with. Like, someone started with the stupidest moment in the worst Dragon Ball series ever, and built a rumor around it. Oh, and also the rumor namedrops Geekdom101, just to make it extra absurd. It's the sort of thing gullible people would flock to while everyone in on the joke would have a laugh over it.

I don't know enough about Geekdom101 to insult him properly, but I'm like 90% sure he's an asshole. Back when Twitter actually worked properly, I'd see his name trending and there'd be a bunch of people in the fandom going "Dammit, what's he done this time?" Does he have inside sources in the anime industry? I dunno, maybe he does, but I think he's got a credibility problem. I mean, he calls himself "Geekdom101", and his avatar is Golden Frieza with a pair of glasses and holding a lightsaber. His YouTube videos look like a clickbait parody, with things like "Kai-o-ken EXPLAINED" and "WHAT WE KNOW SO FAR". Also plenty of what-if and who-would-win videos.

I'm gonna go out on a limb and suggest that maybe this is a guy who makes a decent living off his fandom channel, and when there's not much going on, he'll cobble together a story just to keep the conversation going and draw more attention to his videos. Which... I mean, if that's profitable, so be it, but if Geekdom told me water was wet I'd want to double-check for myself.

As to the rest, even if Toei was really planning something like DB Magic, there's no guarantee they'd actually follow through with it. Plans change, and even if this were 100% legit, it means nothing without an official confirmation and a release date. That "Superman Lives!" movie with Nic Cage was a real thing... right until it wasn't.

But I find the concept too vague and too specific all at once. Like, okay, it's Supreme Kai and a de-aged Goku. Why them in particular? What are they going to do? It just feels like something someone made up to get a reaction from the fans. GT likers are supposed to get all excited or defensive about a potential GT reboot, and other fans are supposed to get upset that the Supreme Kai got the lead instead of their favorite C-lister.

Compare this to the early reveals for DBS: Superhero. Toei teased a few details, and gradually it became clear that the Red Ribbon Army was back somehow, and maybe there were some new androids, and there was a lot about Piccolo and Gohan, so it seemed like they'd be a big part of the story. It wasn't a complete picture, but it made sense from a promotional standpoint. People were more concerned with the CG animation than any of the characters or plot.

I mean, anyone can come up with this stuff. I mean, my uncle works for Nintendo, and he told me that the next anime is going to be called Dragon Ball Snazzy, and it'll be about Vegeta and 18 starting up a private detective agency. Or... I don't know, Dragon Ball Jazz, which is a prequel series featuring a young Dr. Brief and Gine as secret agents. Wait, how about Dragon Ball Spatula, starring Elder Guru and Launch as they explore the multiverse!

And you know, I'd probably watch any of these shows. Hell, I sat through GT, and it was awful! The bar's pretty low when it comes to making a Dragon Ball project that I'm willing to try out. But people have been clamoring for Dragon Ball Super II ever since the first series went off the air in 2018, and that was years ago. This Dragon Ball Magic business just sounds like the same old empty hype with a fresh coat of paint.

Or maybe the whole thing is real, but my advice is: Don't get your hopes up. Life's too short to get worked up over things that might never happen. If it actually comes to pass, then it'll still be just as much fun whether you believed it ahead of time or not.

[anamericangirl]

It’s really important to you that these things you read on the internet are actually true, huh? Because if you’ve spent all this time campaigning for “pro life” stuff, and you’ve made friends with “pro life” people, and (even though you all listen to each other and don’t seem to actually see any of this stuff in real life) it would still hurt to be wrong. I get it. But you ARE wrong. I’m begging you - begging you - to sit at the bedside of pregnant women, and watch that process for yourself.

Believe it or not I’ve known and been around several pregnant women. If you think you’re an expert on fetal development because you knew a pregnant woman once that’s very ignorant. If you can prove anything I’ve said false go ahead and do so. I’m giving you internet sources because this is an exchange on the internet so it’s the only option but this is information available off the internet that you honestly should have learned in school.

Experience is not the epitome of knowledge and often will cloud your mind to reality because you’re too wrapped up in an anecdotal experience, which is clearly your handicap in this discussion.

I’m not wrong and if I was you would have been able to provide evidence to the contrary but you haven’t. You haven’t even tried because you know there aren’t any credible sources out there that support anything you’re saying. You know they all prove you wrong and that’s why you’re avoiding them.

[joannerowling]

is it true that Rowling sent flowers to marilyn Manson? 💀

Unknown/unclear. Manson tweeted once "thank you for the lovely gift JKR" with a picture of roses that doesn't seem to have been taken from the internet, however JKR never acknowledged it, which is out of character.

Since your angle is obvious here, let me disappoint you: i'm perfectly knowledgeable about the topic of JKR's supposed "friendships" with Johnny Depp and his clique, and comfortable discussing it. In fact, here's a reddit thread written by someone who is anti-JKR, which i'm linking so that anyone not knowledgeable can learn the basics (it's factual enough, though not always honest in providing all context), and so nobody can accuse me of ignoring the subject out of misplaced idolatry.

TRAs seeking to undermine JKR's character through any mean available have attempted the "oooo, JKR the so-called women-defender is actually friend with abusive men!!" route a few times. It's failed to gain much popularity, even amongst themselves, because there's just not much meat to it. (Which, considering that most attacks against JKR rely on making stuff up about Harry Potter that she never wrote, is saying a lot i feel.)

JKR's connexions with Depp amount to buying stuff from him. No picture of them hanging out, no known exchanges besides saying they admired each other's work. Vague hearsay from untrustworthy sources - one of the things the above reddit thread fails to contextualise is who Dan Wootton, the guy who accused JKR of being too close to Depp and refusing to fire him from FB, exactly is (hint: not a trustworthy guy). I'm pretty sure Wootton is a blueprint for Culpepper in the Strike novels, if you get the reference.

The only thing confirmed is that JKR initially believed Depp's word against Heard's. I feel like she is a pretty good judge of character in general, but eh, no one is immune to a famous actor's charms. The fact she hasn't come to defend Depp during his latest trial suggests she may have changed her mind – she hasn't exactly shied away from defending unpopular people when she felt strongly enough about their innocence. But, she didn't feel strongly enough about defending Heard either. Maybe at this point she feared she would do more harm than good; maybe she still supports Depp privately; maybe she's too proud to admit to have been wrong. Maybe she just doesn't like Heard and didn't want to support her! Who knows.

What i know for sure is that JKR pours like half of her money into charity work to help women and kids. She makes her positions on abusive men clear, both in public and in her fiction, so you can't even accuse her of influencing anyone into supporting them. Even if i didn't like JKR, i really fail to see what could possibly be the problem here. I feel like people just NEED women to be secretly wicked witches who manipulate everyone into believing they're good-hearted when in fact at night they're evilly cackling at the suffering of babes. It's misogyny my dude, that's it.

Edit: on second thoughts this was an insane reply but i STAND BY IT

[abdlextra]

Ramblings on the state of the modern ABDL community

Had this on the brain a lot lately. On the one hand we live in the best time ever to be an ABDL. There's a staggering amount of ABDL products available online and the community is bigger than it's ever been before.

However we also seem to be losing so many online ABDL places. IRL meetups and events are more popular than ever but it's becoming harder and harder to find places online where people can freely discuss ABDL or post content related to it online. Even harder to monetize it.

If I was a young ABDL just discovering this now I'm not really sure what my impressions would be or where I would go. I don't know where I would tell them to go. Sure ABDL is in the best place it's probably ever been as a community but the internet used to feel a lot freer.

[the-conversation-pod]

Winter 2024 Teaser

And we're back!

We have been recording so much for you all this season! We completed the first year of the show, and what a year it has been!

We've made a lot of friends through this show, and even picked up some help from @ginnymoonbeam and @lurkingshan who got to produce their own episode!

To complete the year, we are opening our longest season by discussing the big shows from the Fall, including Only Friends, I Feel You Linger in the Air, and What Did You Eat Yesterday? 2, before wrapping up the year with a packed Grab Bag episode.

As is our tradition, we will then have our Five-Part Very Important Internet BL Awards, covering our awards for Acting, Ships, Production, Best in Class, and Special Class Awards.

We'll then close out the season with our Lagniappe episode as always and hear from some of the listeners.

Enjoy teaser for the season.

The Conversation Transcripts!

Thanks to the continued efforts of @ginnymoonbeam as transcriber, and @lurkingshan as an editor and proofreader, we are able to bring you transcripts of the episodes.

We will endeavor to make the transcripts available when the episodes launch, and it is our goal to make them available for past episodes (Coming Soon thanks to @wen-kexing-apologist). When transcripts are available, we will attach them to the episode post (like this one) and put the transcript behind a Read More cut to cut down on scrolling.

Please send our volunteers your thanks!

[The teaser opens with the pod team chatting in a bar together.]

NiNi

Okay guys, so we are alive on the site of our annual–hopefully it's annual–podcast team staff meeting.

Ginny

Ohh! 

[Shan laughs]

Nini

And we just gonna give us, like, a little five-minute live about, like, what's—what's occurring? What's going on with the peeps? So, everybody say “hi.” Ben, say “Hi.”

Ben

“Whaddup?”

NiNi

Shan, say “hi.” 

Shan

“Heyo.”

Nini

Ginny say “hi.” 

Ginny

“Heyo!”

NiNi

And here's NiNi! So…

[Cut back to the normal recording booth.]

Ben

And we're back. Welcome to year two of The Conversation…

Ohh, let me try it again. [Strums fingers on desk. NiNi laughs]

I got this.

NiNi

Do you? Do you?

Ben

Yeah, I got this.

NiNi

Okay.

Ben

And we're back. Welcome to year two of The Conversation! Hello, NiNi.

NiNi

Oh my God, we've been doing this for a fucking year. How did we survive the last year? We did? I don't know how? But we did.

Ben

We survived it through sheer gumption and the Type-A planning of all of your lists that keep us organized between seasons.

NiNi

[laughs] I do be doing a lot.

Ben

This show is a BL podcast featuring two goofy-ass Millennials from the Caribbean who watch way too much BL.

NiNi

I mean, that's a good description.

Ben

NiNi, how would you describe me to the viewers?

NiNi

How would I describe Ben to the viewers?

Ben is… an intellectual. Ben is the kind of man who enjoys French film, I think.

Ben

I do. I actually watched one, like, two weeks ago.

NiNi

You see, I knew it. I knew it. Ben’s always getting me together, and that's the best part of our friendship. Ben is gathering me gently at all times—and I need to be gathered—sometimes, should be told, because I just be going off in too many different directions. 

So, a whole year with you. I have had a fabulous time so far, sir. And here's to many more.

How would you describe me?

Ben

You are a Thai BL girlie set upon by my goddamn queer cinephile sensibilities, who continues to put up with them.

[both laugh]

NiNi

I’m sorry [laughs]—I like other things!

Ben

I'm sorry. The Philippines is out of commission.

NiNi

[laughs] Rude. Accurate, but rude.

Ben

You're somebody with a really strong background in theater and dramatic storytelling who really appreciates the heightened drama aspects of the way Thailand approaches BL. The more telenovela BL becomes, or the more like big-romance-dramatic BL becomes—particularly in Thailand—the more fun you seem to have. 

And over the course of the last year when we've been unpacking these shows, we've been talking about where these shows really land emotionally for NiNi, who's into this for a lot of the fun and some of the camp and the way the romance plays out. And how I end up mostly focused on the queer truth that I can get out of these stories, and how strongly they resonate, and also how well put together these things are. 

We are the podcast for BL viewers who care about BL being genuinely good and not just fun.

[cuts back to the bar conversation]

NiNi

We are just doing like a little bit about—let's, let's pick a topic that's not gonna, like, piss off anybody too much.

Ben 

No! Let's start where we were—

[Shan laughs]

Ginny

You turned it on right when we were pissing people off!

[Shan laughs]

Ben

I am six drinks in. We're going in. Only Friends sucks— 

[NiNi laughs]

—and it made us like First and Khaotung less.

NiNi

Oh no…

Shan

Listen, it's the truth. 

Ben

Like! 

Shan

They were not the moment in this show.

Ben

Going into this show, Ginny and I were very quietly FK girlies.

[Shan and Ginny laugh]

Shan

Not that quietly.

Ben

You were not in our DMs!

[Everyone laughs]

Shan

I could feel the energy coming from your DMs!

[cuts back to the recording booth]

NiNi

It's been an interesting year for us. There have been highs, there have been lows, there have been arguments—very polite ones. There have been agreements. There's been a lot happening in the last year in the BL space and we're gonna talk about it really all through the winter season.

Season 5. Five seasons of this.

So we're going to talk about the things that we watched in the fall. We are going to talk about 2023 as a whole and what we got out of it. And it's winter, so you know what that means? We're going to give out some VIIB Awards.

Ben

I'm very excited for the VIIB Awards. It is the most contentious I think I have felt with you since we started doing all of this. Normally, I'm just excited to talk with you about things. I have never felt more antagonistic!

NiNi

Ben put on his eye black and he said, “What we not ‘bout to do!” 

[Ben laughs]

“These vibes you be feeling, that's all well and good. This is not the Vibes Awards, okauy? This is the VIIB Awards.” [NiNi laughs]

Ben

These are the Very Important Internet BL Awards.

NiNi

He's like, “You're gonna have to come with actual arguments.”

Ben

We will! We say these things are better than the rest? You better be specific, because there is a wide field of contenders!

NiNi

A very wide field, and I think that's part of the story of this year as well. For all the ups and downs, it has been a big year, I think, for BL. I don't know if you feel the same way.

Ben

I do. I mean, that's the problem for this year that we'll get into as we talk about this. This year has had some of my favorite good productions that the genre has ever produced, and that has made it really difficult for the things that are not.

We are not lacking for choice in the good.

[cuts back to the bar conversation]

Ben

And this show made me hate them.

Ginny

To be, to be clear: I still, like, this show did not make me hate either of them individually. Like, Khaotung did some phenomenal performances. First matched them. Maybe you disagree, but I did not feel that way about it. Yeah.

NiNi

[waves at Ginny to continue] All right! We’re getting it! 

Ginny

But I—

NiNi

It's going to be quiet, but I'll get it.

Ginny

—something about the way it was set up, I just did not. I came out of it feeling less hype about them as a pair.

Shan

Mhmm. I was never really a FirstKhao girlie. Like, I'm not into the pairs in general. You all know that I like ‘em to mix and match. But, I'm just like—

NiNi/Ben

Yeah, that's better.

Shan

—I just feel like they're both… They've both been better with other people, especially First.

[cuts back to the recording booth]

NiNi

We've got a packed season for you. Ten! Count ‘em: ten! It's our longest season ever. Ten fabulous episodes.

Ben

[laughs] Wait. What the fuck, really?

NiNi

Yes. 

Ben

Okay. 

[NiNi laughs]

So, if you want to hear people be kind of sassy and way too serious, and be more than a little bit drunk about BL—

[NiNi laughs]

—for about 15 hours over the next, like six weeks, we are your show!

NiNi

This is the Brown Liquor Podcast. [laughs]

[cuts back to the bar conversation]

NiNi

All right, I think we're gonna see if we get, what we get out of that. I don't know how much we're gonna get out of that. We will see. We had to try. [NiNi laughs as the audio trails off]

[wanderingthroughsands]

II. Long I stood there wondering, fearing

You was the glue that would keep me together Now that you broke the seal I'm finna glow for real Holding the people that was broken together I know we both not healed Never been home I feel

– "Dreamlord" by kenji

The sluggish computer on my desk had never frustrated me as much as it did today. Long minutes passed before I could open the browser, and even longer before Hector fixed the internet connection issue I had reported. Standing over him, impatiently digging my nails into my arms, I listened to Veronica recount yet another nightmare she’d had that night. This time, it was less intense, but still terrifying enough to make her wake up drenched in cold sweat. Not paying any real attention to what she was saying, I repeated the advice I had given her yesterday, to which she merely waved her hand dismissively and muttered that no amount of rationalization had helped her wake from the dream.

"Maybe this job is just too stressful for me?" Veronica pondered aloud, staring at the tiny cracks in the ceiling.

"This job?" I muttered incredulously, unable to hold back my thoughts. Hearing my derisive tone, Veronica froze for a moment, then burst into short laughter.

"You may be right, I can't think of a single thing here that could stress me out. So maybe it's because of Luke? Maybe my body is sending me signals that he's not the right man?"

"I don't think it's Luke's fault. Thanks, Hector," I said, nodding to our IT specialist as he left, and immediately pounced on the keyboard. Veronica's resigned expression stopped me from diving into the tasks I had planned to search for. With a soft sigh, I caught her eye with my gaze. "Have you ever tried meditating? Or any relaxation techniques? Try disconnecting from the internet before bed, listen to some soothing music, take a long, warm bath, have a glass of good wine."

"Good wine is actually quite a solid piece of advice," she said, smiling at me. "I could also finally listen to those philharmonic concert CDs that Luke keeps bringing to my place."

"And maybe then you'll stop wondering if the man who brings you pleasant music is the right one or not," I winked at her but quickly hid behind my screen to avoid further discussion.

Throughout the night, I replayed my encounter with the dark-haired man in my mind. In my imagination, I could still see his face, his sharp features, and his gaze, which seemed vast enough to contain the whole universe. I felt the energy emanating from his body as he stood mere centimeters from me. I remembered the threat in his words about danger and irreparable harm. There was a depth and emptiness in him simultaneously, and I couldn't understand why he had instilled fear in me from the very first moment I saw him before the accident several years ago.

The Dream Lord. This phrase was the first thing I typed into the search engine, only to be immediately flooded with countless descriptions of that one character* from a popular TV series. I had to skip several tabs before something new caught my eye. The article was titled: "From Piaskun to Sandman – Figures of Dream across the Ages."

The term "Dreamlord" appeared several times, along with others like "Dream," "Oneiros," "Morpheus," and "Sandman." The latter yielded significantly more results. As I read, I learned that the Sandman was a character inspired by European mythology, a being who put children to sleep by sprinkling sand in their eyes. However, this name was also associated with rulers, gods, and guardians of sleep from various mythologies around the world. The Dream Lord I encountered must have been a creature existing for millennia, perhaps since the very creation of the universe.

And now, this creature wanted me dead.

Having perused most of the available online sources, I leaned back in my chair and closed my eyes for a few moments. Dreamlord had found me in Fiddler’s Green, where I usually rested between nightmares. He sought me out because I was traveling through other people's nightmares, rescuing them from their terrors, although it seemed no one from my world should be doing this. If he had forbidden me, I would likely have agreed to stop… despite the fact that, for the past few years, it had been my sole, genuine purpose. Yet, in my desire to help, I had no idea I could cause anyone harm. That I could inflict "irreparable damage"…

But it wasn’t only my wanderings through nightmares that made the King of Dreams want to destroy me. It was the power that enabled these journeys — a power that had manifested the first time I saw him in that park.

Suddenly, a surprised gasp from Sophie, the head of the marketing department, broke my reverie. She stood in the doorway to my left, staring at something behind me.

“Oh my, girls, look at that enormous bird!”

Frowning, I turned toward the window to see a large, black raven clawing at the outer windowsill.

"Disgusting," Veronica muttered, grimacing at the sight. "I wonder how long it's been sitting there. It doesn't seem afraid of us at all."

"I'm a bit afraid of it, to be honest. Kind of reminds me of Hitchcock's movies," Sophie said, then moved towards Veronica, and in a moment, they were engrossed in a conversation about the cover of the latest book we were publishing.

Taking advantage of their distraction, I moved my chair a bit closer to the window and carefully examined the raven, which hadn't flown away despite our movements and gestures. I looked into its eyes, and it met my gaze with surprising awareness—it didn’t turn its head, not even a twitch. For several long seconds, we just stared at each other, and only when it finally flew away did I realize I had been holding my breath the entire time.

Under the influence of that familiar mix of fear and anticipation, I typed into the search engine: The Dream Lord’s Raven. An image appeared—a dark, faceless figure dressed in black with an enormous raven perched calmly on his shoulder. The picture led to a link where I found the portfolio of an illustrator employed at some agency in California. Beside the graphic were the title and caption: Lord Morpheus, King of the Dreaming. Illustration for the book "The History of Dream" by Rose Walker. Release date: November 18, 2022.

The Dreaming. That was precisely the word Dreamlord had used to describe his realm when speaking with me.

A quick glance at the calendar revealed that there was just over a month until the book's release. I bookmarked the image, also noting Rose Walker's name. Such similar terminology could only be a coincidence, but the image, which so faithfully depicted the statuesque man from my dream, suggested otherwise. Perhaps someone else, besides me, had encountered the Dream Lord. And perhaps that person could help me free myself from him.

That day, I saw the black raven several more times. When I left work, it was perched on a lamppost, staring at me motionlessly. During lunch with my mother, it pecked at the restaurant window several times, and later, as we walked home, it flew over our heads so low that its claws nearly grazed her hair. It also appeared in my bedroom window as I was getting ready for bed, wrapped in a robe after a long shower.

It took me only a moment to decide what to do. I shouted "Goodnight" to my mother through the ajar door, then closed it and walked towards the window. I opened it abruptly, but even that didn’t scare away the raven. It merely shook its wings slightly and cawed, its piercing yellow eyes still fixed intently on me.

The chill of the night air swept into my room, but that wasn’t what occupied my thoughts—I had a message to convey.

"Tell your master, the Dream Lord," I said through clenched teeth, weighing each word carefully, "that I will stop my journeys through nightmares if he stops threatening me and sending his spies after me. Like him, I don't want anyone to get hurt, but I will not allow myself to be killed for a skill I never asked for. So be kind enough to tell him to leave me alone."

"Technically, he cannot leave you alone, Rebecca," to my astonishment, the raven responded in a human voice, firm yet tinged with compassion. "You are the child of his Nightmare."

"I am..." the shock left me unable to decide what was more absurd to me: the talking raven or the words it had spoken. "…what?"

"You are a threat to the Dreaming," the bird's voice was that of a man, and suddenly I saw something human in its eyes, a hint of pleading. "As long as you can freely wander his realm, you will continue to wreak havoc in it… just as you have done so far."

"But... I don't understand any of this. I haven't destroyed anything in any of the nightmares; I only helped people wake up, which would have happened sooner or later anyway. How am I a threat to the Dream Lord if I stop interfering in others' nightmares now?"

"It’s not just your wanderings that are dangerous to him, and us all. Your power to travel through the Dreaming comes from a Nightmare that once defied Morpheus. You are the last remnant of that Nightmare, lingering here in the waking world."

"I'm not a nightmare!" I raised my voice, drawing the attention of people walking on the sidewalk beneath my building. "I help people; I don't torment them with horrific visions of pain, suffering, and death. If anyone here is a nightmare, it's Dreamlord, because he's the one terrorizing dreamers, bringing forth their deepest fears!"

"Shit, I don;t think he’d like that..." the bird shook its head nervously and quickly looked around, as if expecting someone to emerge from the shadows at any moment.

"You know what, raven?"

"My name is Matthew," it mumbled, clearly growing more uneasy.

"Alright then, Matthew," I said, leaning closer to its beak and speaking very quietly, mustering all my strength to suppress the mixture of fear and anger rising within me. "I won’t let the Dream Lord capture me or kill me. Tell him that if he wants to catch me, he will have to chase me to my death, through all the nightmares of this world. Either that, or he finds a way to take away the power that terrifies him so much. If I am a mistake of your Lord Morpheus and his Nightmare, then let Lord Morpheus correct his mistake... but I did nothing to deserve to die for it."

I slammed the window shut before the bird could say anything more. In a surge of raw, bubbling emotions, I sat on the bed, burying my head in my arms, my fingers tangling in my hair.

I seems that from now on, every night would be a flight into nightmares. Dreamlord would never forgive, never forget the defiance I had shown him, and he would undoubtedly defend his realm at all costs.

Defend... against me... a child of his Nightmare...

The memory of his infinite eyes came back to me unexpectedly, stirring the familiar feelings that always heralded a nocturnal journey. I hoped that in my own world, I was safe, far from him. And in the Dreaming... there, I had always known quite well how to hide.

*The Dream Lord – one of the main antagonists in the TV series "Doctor Who".

[canmom]

since this seems to be my topic of obsession for today...

turns out Bluesky internally uses content-based addressing and IPFS. I don't have a lot of use for it since it's a Twitter clone, and I've never got on very well with Twitter. Bluesky hides most of that from the user - it looks just like any old web app backed by a central server. i need to look into this more, Bluesky is taking inspiration from IPFS but it's using its own protocol, and it is doing some good things. I think its protocols could be used for something more Tumblr-like.

there's a protocol called PubSub which sounds like it does a lot of what I want, or rather gives you the low-level framework to broadcast info across a decentralised network. you could build a social network on top of that. IPFS uses it as one way of handling mutable data, like 'my website just updated'.

there's an absolute plethora of ideas, protocols, and tools for decentralised file sharing, decentralised messaging, decentralised social networks. this broad idea space is very much the hot new thing at the moment. some of them seem like they're growing. a lot of them have glossy websites with animations and stock photos of smiling people. it's hard to know in advance what's worth paying attention to. the whole field is dense with acronyms and rather abstruse concepts. which unfortunately means the current audience tends to be limited to tech nerds (c'est moi) and crypto cultists (ce n'est pas moi. merde!).

Briar is a protocol I find personally very appealing. it's security-oriented, designed to be crazy resilient, creating a mesh network through whatever protocols are available. you use it for E2E-encrypted messaging, but also you can use it for threaded discussions and blogs. right now it's only available for phones but they're working on a desktop version. the primary use case seems to be like "you're at a protest and the gov shuts off the internet", but it would be a very sexy place to put your blog. that said, I expect it would not be very fast at all.

the major encryptable, decentralised Discord/IRC alternative is Matrix. I broadly like the look of it, but we have the same problem of inertia getting people to switch from Discord, and there's still some jank I encountered when I tried it.

there's a lot of cryptocurrency in this whole area. (not surprising since the underlying tech of crypto is also hash-based, and there's ideological overlap between crypto and torrent people, because 'decentralised').

notably, there's a companion project to IPFS, a complicated scheme called FileCoin which is designed to encourage people to host data for a certain period in return for FileCoin tokens. you get FileCoins for consistently holding onto the data, and you lose a stake of FileCoins if you delete it prematurely. these FileCoins can then be used mainly to pay other people to host data for you: you pay FileCoins to a host, and pay them again to fetch your data(!). or you can trade them for other cryptocurrencies.

I'll acknowledge it doesn't seem as intrinsically environmentally corrosive as proof-of-work crypto, or even as simply 'the rich get richer' as proof-of-stake crypto. it's not filling up HDDs with random crap either. though it does sound like it requires quite a bit of CPU work to be done in all the hashing for the 'sealing' process.

I'm still not entirely convinced of the benefit this scheme brings. crypto stuff has a tendency to go belly-up very abruptly when speculative bubbles pop, so I wouldn't be super excited to rely on FileCoin for archiving some valuable bit of data. of course any offsite backup carries risk, e.g. Dropbox could go bankrupt one day. but I'm way less convinced of the benefits of something like FileCoin than IPFS. I guess it remains to be seen if this takes off.