#luke newton get your shit together

[darcytaylor]

Luke Newton.

The last few days have been a whirlwind of insanity. Things have been heated, things have been a mess.

You would have thought that the world premier of part 2 of Bridgerton would have been a joyous occasion but it turned out to be one big mess.

The fandom is against each other, the actors I believe are confused, mistakes have been made by so many, and Nicola keeps trying to save the day.

The rest of this message is for Luke, and Luke only (because the reason for all of this is because of you) - Put yourself in timeout. I need you to start caring about your career and stop caring about your social life. People are rooting for you and I can't even begin to understand why you are doing what you are doing. Please read my deep dives to further understand why you are in this mess.

Thank you for your time.

I feel like I'm watching a train wreck in slow motion. What is happening?

[pomegranatesarchive]

broken up? no, engagement! | max verstappen

pairing: max verstappen x actress!reader

summary: y/n l/n has a weird way of announcing hers and max’s engagement.

liked by, danielricciardo, charles_leclerc, and 602,927 others!

yourusername: i no longer have a boyfriend.

view comments below!

user1: wait what

user2: i’m sorry???

user3: DID YOU AND MAX BREAK UP???

user4: no no no

user5: this CANNOT mean what i think it does

user6: you’re kidding me right

charles_leclerc: please answer my messages!

user8: no way

user9: THE CAPTION???

danielricciardo: ?

danielricciardo: answer my messages please

landonorris: mine too?

user10: does anyone know what is going on?

user11: so you’re available now 😏

user12: you were too pretty for max anyways 🙄

landonorris: um what’s going on?

user13: lando just being as lost is so??

user14: wait but why would she and max break up

user15: i’m so…confused?

user16: MAX ISNT IN THE LIKES??? OMG NOOO

— f1gossip has posted new pictures!

f1gossip: y/n l/n was seen cozying up with cast mate, Luke Newton amidst breakup rumors between her and max verstappen. thoughts?

view comments below!

user17: “cozying up” and it’s her taking a picture of him ??? 🙄

user18: admin is acting like they were making out in front of everyone…

user19: oh!

user20: users on twitter were saying max was THERE with them so??

user21: she moves on fast!

user22: this sounds wrong…

user23: we literally know NOTHING about hers and max’s relationship or WHY they broke up. let’s not assume.

user24: my heart just broke

user25: okay but her and luke are kinda cute together? no? just me?

user26: HER AND MAX WERE CUTERRR

user27: i’ll start foaming at the mouth if y/n l/n doesn’t come out and say her caption was just a joke.

user28: HER AND MAX WERE SUPPOSED TO GET MARRIEDDDD!!!!!😓😓😓

user29: i can’t do this rn. i just can’t.

liked by yourusername, danielricciardo, landonorris, charles_leclerc, and 962,028 others!

maxverstappen1: I understand that, without my agreement, my lovely finance has put out a instagram post this morning indicating that we have broken up. This is wrong, we have not broken up. We got engaged. We are to be wed.

view comments below!

yourusername: i thought they would understand what i meant 😞

user30: GIRL ALL YOU SAID WAS YOU NO LONGER HAD A BF???

user31: you did NOT phrase your words correctly

user32: gave me heart attack and for what 😐

user33: don’t play with me like that ever again.

danielricciardo: i love you @/yourusername, but please do not play with my heart like that again.

danielricciardo: BUT YAY!!!! WEDDING OF THE CENTURY!!

user34: OMG ???

user35: I KNEW IT!!! I FUCKING KNEW IT!!!

user36: AHHHHH AHHHHH AHHHHH AHHHH

user37: oh thank GOD

user38: pls don’t ever scare me like that again 💗

landonorris: OMG OMG OMG OMG ???!??!??

landonorris: AND YOU LOT DIDNT TELL ME ?!?!?

landonorris: YNSTAPPEN WEDDING!! AHHHH

user39: congratulations!!!

f1: about time you proposed 😒

maxverstappen1: ?

redbullracing: so excited for the red bull themed wedding!! ☺️

yourusername: yeah that won’t be happening

redbullracing: i understand.

user40: i’m crying??

user41: does this mean i don’t have a chance with y/n anymore ?? ☹️

user42: THAT SHOULDVE BEEN MEE

charles_leclerc: congratulations too you both 💗

maxverstappen1: thank you charles 💙💙

user43: omg just ask him to be your best man already 🙄🙄

oscarpiastri: it is an honor to have my tweet used as your engagement announcement 🧡🧡

yourusername: max couldn’t resist 😒

user44: i just know this wedding is going to be GORGEOUS

georgerussell63: congrats too you both! ❤️

yourusername: you’ll sing at the wedding right?

georgerussell63: duh 🙄

yourusername: perfect!

lewishamilton: so excited 💗💗

yukitsunoda0511: can i cook?

yourusername; of course you can yuki!!

user45: i’m so excited and it’s NOT EVEN MY WEDDING??

schecoperez: did you tell her how you were shitting yourself with nerves this entire week?

maxverstappen1: no 😒

yourusername: aw max 🥹🥹

liked by, maxverstappen1, georgerussell63, oscarpiastri, and 1,238,028 others!

yourusername; i got married today. it was cool. 10/10 would do again!

view comments below!

user46: was the wedding 10/10 or was the groom 10/10??

yourusername: both!

user45: OMG ITS HAPPENED??

user46: so happy for you both 🥹

maxverstappen1: 💙💙

georgerussell63: i personally think my singing brought everything together…

yourusername: it really did george, it really did

charles_leclerc: so incredibly happy for you both ❤️

user47: we all saw the video of you sobbing during the ceremony charles…

user48: to be fair, EVERYONE was sobbing

user49; their vows even made ME cry

landonorris: amazing wedding, 10/10 would attend again!

yourusername: thank you little lando 🧡🧡

oscarpiastri: i would like to request the video of my dancing to be scrubbed off of the internet.

maxverstappen1: no chance mate 😂

yourusername: it’s okay oscar, i thought your dancing was adorable!!

lewishamilton: me and roscoe had the times of our lives ❤️❤️

user50: ROSCOE WENT TO THE WEDDING ?? 😭

user51: not only roscoe, but alex and TWO of his cats 😭😭

liked by, yourusername, danielricciardo, yukitsunoda0511, shecoperez, and 1,629,028 others!

maxverstappen1: i married my bestfriend today. it was amazing. 10/10 would do again!

view comments again!

user52: he’s officially off the market ladies 😒

user53: he’s been off the market for 4 years ???

user54: if my man doesn’t love me as much as max loves y/n i don’t WANT HIM

user55: ever since y/ns “i no longer have a bf” post i’ve been thanking the gods that this is how it turned out

danielricciardo: bestfriend? wow, you get married and suddenly you forget who raised you.

maxverstappen1: y/n is my bestfriend. she always will be.

danielricciardo: JUST RUB IT IN THEN.

user56: omg her dress 😍😍

user57; them >>

user58: did you guys see that they BOTH took each others last name??

user59: wait really?

user58: yeah 🥹 it’s y/n l/n-verstappen and max verstappen-l/n

user60: that is the cutest thing ever

user61: the matching captions 😞😞

user62: remember last year when y/n made everyone believe they broke up??

user63: thank GOD that wasn’t true

yourusername: i love you mr l/n

maxverstappen1: i love you more mrs verstappen

user64: WHEN IS IT MY FUCKING TURN

[biancadoes1]

You don't need to share this. I just love those people. They know Luke so well. ADHD: the reason for everything.

„Sorry to burst the bubble, but us peeps with ADHD almost always have some kind of oral fixation (I see you, Luke. He smokes too (well...vapes?) and as a fellow ADHD oral fixation babe, I feel the kinship), so we're licking our lips and touching our mouths and all that because we're stimming. Many people have thought I'm flirting when I'm just self soothing with a stimming activity like playing with my tongue piercing or biting my lip. Neurotypical people often have a misunderstanding of how neurodivergant people's body language differs from theirs, since it isn't widespread knowledge. But yeah....he's literally just stimming. Same as when he's touching his lips”

Here’s the thing.

We don’t know Luke. We don’t know for sure if that’s how he stimms.

Unless you know Luke Newton I think it’s really weird to tell other people what he does when he’s stimming.

So unless he tells you that to your face, in person, that he’s stimming when he’s touching his lips and eye fucking Nicola, I don’t care to hear or take this shit in to consideration.

STOP USING ADHD AS A FUCKING EXCUSE FOR LUKE NOT BEING ATTRACTED TO NICOLA.

I’m starting to get really pissed off that something I also struggle with is being used a counter argument for people who can’t accept that these two are likely together.

Shut the fuck up. Stop claiming this man does certain things when you don’t know him in real life. You look fucking stupid.

[dollypopup]

everyone in the Lukola fandom spiraling once again (which i only know because as a fan of Luke Newton, I go to his tag and y'all spam the SHIT OUT OF IT) and here I am to say that THIS is why you don't get too involved in your delusions and speculations. The Lukola fandom LOVES to claim that it's all fun and games and just theories. . .until those theories are disproved. and then they turn into a raging hate machine that digs themselves in the dirt of their echo chamber with their fingers in their ears and their hands over their eyes.

putting aside the horrific misogyny his girlfriend has gotten, the very idea that y'all will 'stop shipping when they announce they're with someone else' is ridiculous. they have BEEN saying it, but without words. y'all just don't want to hear it. listen to me closely, if someone doesn't 'claim' you on social media, but you KNOW they've been harassed and stalked and bullied and smack dab in the public eye, but they take you on all their trips and meet your family and hang out with you and introduce you to their friends? you've BEEN 'claimed'. just not to cruel hearted fans, but to those who matter. it's clear to me that Luke is doing what he can to keep his girlfriend from being attacked by a wide audience on social media, and no he's not going to come out publicly with it because he has *learned his lesson*. he has had several public relationships fall to tatters and has had previous partners harassed, even on her work instagram, so one day y'all will have to swallow the pill.

nicola is not pregnant with luke's child (this shit was disrespectful to claim in the first place). her and luke are not married or living together. they are not dating. they are in a relationship with other people, and are yes, friends, but more importantly, coworkers. their financial lives are very much tied into upholding a fantasy for people. so on top of not wanting to expose their partners to the absolutely bananas fandom, they are financially motivated to be amicable about Lukola's disrespectful theories. especially Luke, who was, as he claimed openly, broke and looking for a job as he couchsurfed and part time bartended prior to Bridgerton to make ends meet. he's not letting go of the consistency of a yearly gig or the opportunities it brings. selling the costar love story fantasy is a common pr tactic, so of course they're going to be invested in selling the fantasy people fell for. hence bringing one another up in 'romantic hints' in interviews. they are just doing their job. which is acting. not LYING as some of y'all love to clutch your pearls about when you feel they have 'deceived you'

Luke's entire Sexiest Man Alive interview was very purposefully distanced from him as a person. It's clear in his mind that this was a character he was putting on- he does not feel comfortable describing himself as a heartthrob as he has said outright, and his answers in the This or That portion are clearly from Colin's perspective. It is COLIN'S time to shine and be desirable in this way, not Luke's. Which is what Nicola likely means when she says Luke has no ego in it. but there's something very important to put in place here:

Luke is not Colin. He is an actor playing a character. But y'all TREAT HIM like he's Colin. You treat him like he's fictional. Not a real person. And you do the same to Nicola. They are not Polin. They are not their characters. They are real actual human beings you will never personally know.

this man has been STALKED. someone moved across the ocean to the UK to peek into the windows of his home to determine if he was still living there and with a girlfriend. thank god he'd moved prior to that because the trauma of that is horrific. y'all have turned him and nicola into characters you can speculate about instead of creatives whose personas you enjoy.

you. do. not. know. these. people.

they are strangers. please keep that in mind when y'all hop on this parasocial bullshit. stop convincing yourselves that your 'delulu' and speculation is real. and yes, you do that because if you didn't think it was real, you wouldn't get mad when it turns out to be false.

treat the creatives you claim to support with respect. and accept the reality of things.

or at the very least get out of their tags and keep your echo chamber's door shut

[nostalgicmiscellaneous]

Season 3 - Colin & Penelope's Triumph

Stop listening to loud people in bubbles who want to bring down your enthusiasm and crumple your joy with how much we have to enjoy Penelope and Colin's season. There are some people with a clear agenda of hatred because of their own couples that will straight up lie, cherry pick and manipulate to try to get people turned off or to feel insecure about saying they love what they love. Sometimes, people with a weaker personality and herd mentality fall for that and start thinking oh, maybe it's not good or i shouldn't like. Some nonsenses that we read sometimes and some fall for it: Nonsense: "Polin is not popular, the show would be doomed by them. People wont watch" Reality:

Nonsense: "Polin is being dragged by negative reviews by public and fans who doesn't see chemistry" ( lol, i can't even with that one...) Reality:

At this moment, very near season 1 in critics ( 87%) and above in audience score and higher than season 2 in both aspects. Does it make anyone like or dislike more? because it sure wouldn't make me like more or less something. Nonsense: Only negative things go viral. Reality:

That tweet is from 13 hours ago. You read that right. 13 hours ago and look at views, look at 139K ( HOLY SHIT) that have liked and an insane 65K have already bookmarked. That's viral in a insane level by people loving their chemistry and them together. If anything they have too much chemistry. lol Artists, famous figures and all saying they watched and loved also on SNSs. The general audience loving it. We, from inside the fandom, might have our issues, things we wanted more or less, but it's glorious what we have and how much Nicola Coughlan & Luke Newton gave and are giving us. The hatred is being silenced by the simple truth and the enjoyment people are having. They tried to hate on their popularity, it didn't work. They tried with their chemistry, it didn't work. They tried telling us it was fast or forced even with all we have already got of their relationship ( a couple that actually has been developing from season 1 and that already had a bond and has a different personality and path from other couples) and with 4 episodes left. They tried with their acting. Were proved wrong and more and more people are realizing the characters paths and the acting choices and praising. They tried with their looks. Made them look bad instead. So they tried with lies and look what they got back on their faces...a glorious triumph. So, have a great time. Be a fan and just be happy, enjoy without worrying, without comparisons. Some people are so bitter that they just don't want to like anything. It's their loss.

[doomed2repeat]

I need to elaborate on why continuing to hype up Debling is a mistake:

“Polin” fans who post positively about Debling and Pen together, get lots of attention so that people can shit on Colin in the comments and replies, do you feel the same way about Colin and Marina?

Because Marina said nice things about Colin too, she actually said nicer things about Colin than Debling said about Penelope, literally saying Colin could be her one glimpse at happiness. We could also pretend Colin and Marina could’ve been happy together if XYZ condition was met just like y’all are happy to jump through hoops to create fake scenarios where Debling would totally fall in love with Penelope if he got to know her instead of popping out to die in the arctic.

So why spread that narrative for one side of the ship KNOWING it’s going to bring haters out for Colin, when you would never tweet the same nonsense about Colin and Marina so that haters can jab at Penelope? Like you know the people who say Colin and Marina would’ve been a great couple are spouting nonsense, but then turn around and do the same for Pen and Debling? Make it make sense!

If they wanted a story where Marina/Debling could love Colin/Pen, that’s the story we would’ve gotten. Marriage of convenience turned love is its own story trope. Take it at face value that they couldn’t love them and that Colin only has Pen and Pen only has Colin, and do us ALL a favor and leave it alone. I don’t see the appeal of inviting that discourse onto the couple you claim are your favorites. This isn’t even a new occurrence. We all know it’s hater bait and people will take any excuse because it always comes at Colin’s expense, which then becomes a Luke Newton bullying session.

OR

Just call yourself a Penelope Stan and not a Polin, and NEVER act like you like Colin if you’re propping up Debling. You are turning your own ship into a magnet for negativity so you can imagine a scenario where Pen can make another man fall in love with her.

[effieandtim]

The shipping real life people thing is something that is becoming more and more prevalent in every fandom recently, it's just so weird. People aren't content in shipping the characters anymore, they have to have some fantasy that the actors are together in real life as well. This happened this past year with Queen Charlotte, Little Mermaid, Hunger Games (Rachel Zegler and Tom Blyth), it happened last year with Jonny and Simone with a lot of people saying he must be bi because of their chemistry, and it's happening again with Matt and Jonny.

The other day I even saw a tiktok where someone was telling people not to harass Luke Newton's girlfriend because I think a friend of his posted some pics of them kissing at a New year's party, and in the comments there were some people saying they were disappointed in him because it's disrespectful to Nicola to "flaunt" his relationship a few months before promo starts and that he should keep it discreet, which is completely baffling to me, how is it disrespectful to her that he is in a relationship? They don't need to sell a fantasy that they're together to promote Bridgerton, they're gonna talk about their characters.

People need to learn boundaries and separate the real from the fictional. Is it super common for people to get together or have affairs after playing love interests on a film or tv show? Yes, these people are getting up close and personal with each other for multiple hours a day for months on end, a lot of times away from their family and friends, it's inevitable that in some cases something is gonna happen, but it's also their jobs, and it's clearly not the case every time, and the speculation always ends up a little disrespectful to the people involved and their real life partners, and can end up ruining friendships between these people because they don't feel comfortable interacting with each other because they know it will be hyper analyzed.

yeah like there’s absolutely no need to speculate even in the rare case that something does happen

these people are actors and if they are able to create good chemistry with someone its bc they are GOOD actors

and instead of appreciating their craft people disrespect them by saying the shipper shit

like i have even seen a few fans enabling this behaviour? saying jonny has a crush on matt so thats a compliment for matt bc hes just oh so magnetic and charming - like nope im gonna need them to shut up and think about what they’re saying bc they’re essentially implying their fave is cheating on his husband with whom he has 3 kids

like its sick honestly and im so tired if seeing it

and the fact that some weirdos ‘threatened’ to out jonny as straight after his pics with ariana cane out????? That was so ridiculous and i cant even find it amusing bc imagine being a queer person and the world refusing to acknowledge your identity- something you’ve been so vocal about bc you went to a tennis match with your friend

this goes beyond fandoms and you are right, it’s becoming more and more prevalent in every space

[mermaidsirennikita]

What were your favorite moments in Bridgerton (not including Kate and Anthony)? And then your favorite Kate and Anthony moments?

Honestly, finding moments I would genuinely call "favorites" that didn't involve Kate and Anthony together is very hard. But in no particular order:

Eloise LIGHTING PENELOPE UP. Actually, this is definitely my favorite NON-Kate/Anthony moment. She mentioned! It! All! And how valid of her? It's honestly hysterical to me that people are still trying to say that Penelope is a good person--she can be your fave, but she is a garbage human being by any stretch of the imagination and Eloise was completely right here. Penelope's feeble attempts to fight back only made it funnier. An insipid wallflower, indeed. I also, as someone who generally finds Eloise annoying, found this very sympathetic. It just would be such a mindfuck to have your best friend, who you've been loyal to through thick and thin, drag you and your family through the mud like that. I never said Eloise is a cunt! Eloise is my friend!

Colin saying that he'd never marry Penelope, mainly because it's honestly going to be ridiculous of them to try to back out of that one, but they will. In the book, it was a flustered comment of a young guy being teased by his brothers, and he feels like shit about it immediately. In the show, he doesn't know she heard it, he acts like he would rather die than fuck her, he says "ARE YOU MAD?" and is incredibly pithy. If there was supposed to be NUANCE to that moment, I missed it. But honestly, Luke Newton is a very dull actor, so maybe there was.

Edwina gets a prince. I love Edwina. I would like to see her back next season so I can watch her supercut scenes. But if I don't, I'll assume she married the prince whether or not it's mentioned.

*not involving Kate so it counts* Anthony college admissions scandal-ing Benedict. Fucking hilarious. I too would do whatever is necessary to send Benedict off to art school so that he can realize that he's not actually good at art. Also, this played into the idea that Anthony is just paying everyone's bills and they're fucking lucky to have him (even though they're ungrateful cuntburgers, ALL OF 'EM) and that's sexy of him.

Anthony going to Benedict's art school and being like "YOU LIVE LIKE THIS" with his 5 o'clock shadow. Benedict is the only Bridgerton besides Anthony (and Penelope Evisceration Eloise) I wouldn't push off a cliff, so. I enjoyed their banter. Anthony stepping into an art school and being repulsed by everyone there is very reflective of me attending art school for literal years. I enjoy the way Luke T. and JB play off each other. You could interchange this with Benedict loudly asking Anthony if there's a reason why the wedding is being called off THAT HE CAN ONLY TELL HIM. Benedict just assumed that Kate was fully pregnant, and I think that's both hilarious and wise of him. The only one in that family who actually knows Anthony, lbr. Should've figured that he got his way into art school paid for, based both off the quality of his work and Anthony being Anthony.

(I also think it's very funny to imagine Anthony being too happy with his own personal life now that he's married and getting that good pussy from Kate on the regular to like... actually resolve things with Benedict. Like they had one fraught convo about him Olivia Jade-ing Benedict and then he was like "... anyway! Gonna go try to get Kate to marry me (again)! Love is so wild, Benedict!" Season 3 is gonna start and Benedict is gonna be like it's been a year and I'm still mad about that and Anthony's gonna be like "lmao my wife is fucking pregnant I don't have time for this I'm NESTING, BENEDICT".).

As for Kate/Anthony moments, in no particular order:

The sex scene(?). Let's call it GazeboGate + those Guilty Flashbacks. As much as I want more, it's what I got, and I do appreciate that he took care of her lol. I wish it was edited differently, but I know they shot good material and I will be leading a March On Shondaland for the tapes. We storm at dawn. (Just kidding, as I feel I must clarify in these trying times.). As I've discussed in my tags, I loved all the tongue, the handholding while he's going down on her (FOR MORAL SUPPORT), the fact that he kissed her right after going down on her (nice to know where they land on that debate). I also did love the buildup. The "Go. In. Side." warning shot was very classic historical romance. I think it's extremely hilarious that he went for her clit immediately and then was like I WILL STOP. Really dude? I think the barrier has been breached here.

The little postnuptial moment that extended into a makeout in front of his stupid family. I like to think that everyone was welcomed home for that Pall Mall game and then sent away so that they could fuck around the house. I'm so glad they went on a six month honeymoon as a reprieve from those ungrateful wretches that leech off the money he doesn't work for but nonetheless BALANCES. I loved him calling her viscountess. I love the touching. INEEDMORE.MP3.

I actually did really like the big spiel about India not being far enough away. It was very horny. I think it would be even better if they'd kissed or if he'd fingerblasted her with the door open, but aside from that I fully approved. JB can deliver a line, I gotta say. As a full trashbag, I also do love, as one Twitter user astutely pointed out, this was just him being like listen I'm gonna wanna cheat on her with you every day until I finally do it.

Apoloprosal. I'm a sucker for an apoloprosal in historical romance. Please read Sarah MacLean's Nine Rules to Break When Romancing A Rake if you want Peak Apoloprosal. Anthony showing up with tulips like "very sorry I licked you to orgasm, please accept my hand" is so funny to me. Him like, jamming the ring in her face. Her being horrified, because yeah, you would be, and she's fresh off a TBI. Also lol, him awkwardly being like "I DIDN'T PICTURE IT GOING DOWN, OR RATHER ME GOING DOWN, LIKE THAT". What did you picture??? I know he fantasized about some ridiculous canopy bed gauzy sheets situation and they both cried after and held hands and snuggled for six hours. Maybe we didn't see the wedding night because it would be too embarrassingly emotional.

The how many fingers am I holding up momentttt. So brief, but representative of the shit I wish we'd seen more of! If I'd run this season I would've actually kept a lot of Kate and Anthony's shit the same in terms of the love triangle and premarital sex, I just would've cut subplots and moved everything up 1-2 episodes so that we could have more time with them married/figuring their shit out. But this like? Fondness? And everything being laced with the charge of them knowing that they've done sexual shit to each other and nobody knows and he's trying to make her feel comfortable while also feeling like he's ruined her life and everyone is looking at them??? MY JAM.

[amidalis]

“I love robbery AND fraud!”: A Star Wars Story

My expectations were so goddamn low going into this movie. The stories coming out of it’s production was a MESS, so I expected a mess. Like I really didn’t want to walk out of a Star Wars movie for the second time within months feeling let down and angry af. But I made peace with myself over the fact that that was what I would be getting, and that I’d see it anyway because I just can’t quit Star Wars. What I was not expecting was to actually have fun...

I admit it okay, I actually enjoyed myself. This movie was nowhere near perfect, or great. Trilogy worthy? Hell tf no!!!! I give it a 6.5/10. 6.5 because I was completely SNATCHED from people taking their damn hoods off and revealing their true selves so it gets an extra .5! I liked many things, other things I didn’t. Either way you’re going to hear my thoughts in a jumbled mess!

---------------------------

______HEAVY SPOILERS under the cut!____

---------------------------

Qi’ra and Han make out within the first two minutes of this movie which is just a taste of all the other times we’ll see them...I heard some spoilers about their hinted relationship but I REALLY WAS NOT PREPARED FOR THEM TO TONGUE LIKE 7 TIMES AT LEAST?! I REALLY DID NOT CARE ABOUT THEM LMFAO. But I already want to die because I know it’s going to spawn more Rey’s parentage debate and... I’m not strong enough for it anymore at this point. I’m done. 

Han holding a rock...and making a click sound...pretending it was a fucking bomb. A procrastinator. Innovator. 

Han reminded me of the lead character of a shonen anime!? “My dream? My dream is to be a pilot! The best pilot in the galaxy! I’m going to join the Imperial navy to be a pilot! And if I work hard enough, I will get enough money TO BUY A SHIP! AND WITH THAT SHIP?!?! I WILL FREE MY FRIEND! I WILL BE THE BEST PILOT! I--!” 

Chewie’s introduction into Han’s life was Chewie whooping his ass in a pile of mud. Han suddenly knew how to speak Wookie, and then the rest is history.

That Aurra Sing name drop made me clutch my chest. 

Enfys Nest is a pirate after the same shit Han and crew are after but honestly??? When she was whooping ass on that train I knew I would stan.

JESUS CHRIST THEY DID NOT DESERVE THANDIE NEWTON. I was so upset that Val did not have a big part in this movie, and was killed early on! She is such an amazing actress, and it was really sad to see her go after we just got her! And a self-sacrifice for her death was lazy as fuck!!! THERE WAS NO NEED. I’m actually thankful they never got their hands on Sana Starros at this point because that shit so disappointing for me. 

Qi’ra being branded and owned by Dryden Vos??? I’m glad he got clapped in the end, and that she was the one that was able to do it!

LAAAAAAANNDDDDOOOOOOOOOO OH MY GOOOOODDDDDDDD!

Best thing about this goddamn movie

HE WAS SMOOTH. SO FASHIONABLE. A SCAMMER. THAT’S MY MANS!

Not enough Lando. Not nearly enough. 

The sabacc scene?!?! Han and Lando together was goddamn worth it! I really wish we saw MORE OF THEM. 

BECAUSE SERIOUSLY WTF I THOUGHT THERE’D BE MORE TO THEIR RELATIONSHIP

Droid death match?

GONK DROID GONK DROID GONK DROID!!!!!!

L3 was literally the droid version of Korg from Ragnarok, but I loved her anyway.

Seeing the Falcon brand new and shiny was so cool!!!

I just want to state right here and now that I am so thankful that we got a look into Lando’s walk-in closet and 30 capes?! 

A SCENE WHICH LEADS TO QI’RA AND HAN MAKING OUT INTO A CLOTHES RACK ASJKJADSKA?! OKAY???

Beckett’s “don’t trust her. don’t trust anyone. NOT EVEN YOURSELF!!!!!” OH DAMN THAT’S A PLOT POINT WE’LL USE FOR LATER!!!

L3 launching the rebellion on Kessel gave me life. Again, it felt very Thor: Ragnarok but I still  enjoyed it.

MORE GONK DROIDS

CHEWIE HELPING THE WOOKIES ALMOST MADE ME CRY I LOVE HIM.

Lando got shot and I really screamed. It’s like I forgot about Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi existing entirely because I deadass worried about my boy. MY FEELINGS WERE HURT THAT HE WAS HURT.

Qi’ra battle cried and...BLEW EVERYTHING UP LOL. SHE REALLY SNAPPED. SHE CAME OUT THE FALCON WITH TWO BOMBS IN HER HANDS AND JUST! THREW THEM!

When it showed the giant ass star destroyer holding a blockade and sent out all those TIEs? NUT!!!!

The Kessel Run...I was expecting more I guess? I can’t put my finger on it but it wasn’t the great scene that it could have been?

WHEN THEY BARELY LANDED ON SAVAREEN AND THE FALCON LOOKED LIKE THE GIANT MESS WE ALL LOVE.

Lando: “I hate you.” 

Han, with heart eyes and a giant smirk on his face: “I know”

Me: *passed out*

LANDO JUST. UP AND LEFT WITH THE FALCON. HE REALLY LEFT THEM STRANDED AKDHKADHKJDA! He got his shit and LEFT!!!

ENFYS NEST IS HERE AND SURPRISE IT IS REVEALED THAT SHE IS A BIRACIAL TEENAGED GIRL. I HAVE NEVER STANNED SO FUCKING FAST IN MY LIFEEEEEE!!

I SERIOUSLY NEED TO SEE MORE OF HER I WAS HOOKED THE MOMENT SHE SPOKE. IF I DON’T GET A FULL NOVEL AND COMIC WITH HER BACKSTORY I’M GOING TO SCREAM.

She actually ticked off all of my Mara Jade boxes like if they ever put Mara in something, I imaged her to look JUST LIKE THAT it was wild!

Han: “What’s on Tatooine?”

Me, and opportunistic Luke stan ignoring Han’s backstory with Jabba completely: YOUR FUCKING BOY THAT’S WHAT!

Beckett REALLY TURNED OUT TO BE A LIAR AND A SCAMMER BUT AS HE SAID HE WARNED HAN. BUT HAN KNOWS!BETTER!NOW!!!!!

Qi’ra STABBING HER CAPTOR IN THE HEART. I LOVE THIS SONG.

HAN I-WON’T-HESITATE-BITCH SOLO REALLY SHOT BECKETT IN THE CHEST. LIKE IT WAS REALLY NECESSARY TO ESTABLISH THAT HE SHOT FIRST. I CACKLED OUT LOUD. 

QI’RA SKYPPEEDDDDD OH MY GOOOODDDDD

HIS ASS IS REALLY STILL ALIVE

MY GOD MAUL IS STILL.FUCKING.ALIVE.....

THE MOMENT I HEARD HIS VOICE AND ACCENT THOUGH I WAS SHOOK SO I AM A FAKE BITCH I KNOW DEEP DOWN I WAS THRILLED TO SEE HIM.

Maul: Come to Dathomir now, Qi’ra. You and I are going to be working very close together

Me, *looking into the camera like I’m in the office*: Tumblr is going to fucking ship this now, aren’t they? 

I’m glad that I at least didn’t have to sit through a Star Wars film without hearing a lightsaber ignite I would have been distraught!

HAN WINNING THE FALCON. HE DIDN’T HAVE TO DO LANDO LIKE THAT! 

All in all this movie was not great by far, but it did tick off all my Star Wars aesthetic needs boxes, and I had fun. 

[rainbow-femme]

Solo movie thoughts under the cut, with spilers

1. Q’ra should have been bad. If both of their arcs were going from minor crime to bigger crime, with Han going into smuggling and high stakes thievery while she goes into the mob, that would have made sense. In the movie it’s implied she is stuck in the game and wishes she could run away with Han but is trapped, and it would be much better if she had been using and lying to him and genuinely was bad and only doing things for power. This not only makes her more interesting, gives her more agency, but it also explains why Han goes from a man ready to settle down to a man who rejects stability and has to be persuaded back into love by Leia because his first love used him then betrayed him.

2. Why even cast Thandie Newton if you’re going to kill her off? She was easily one of the most interesting female characters, one of the most interesting characters period, and would have been a much more interesting character to follow than Beckett and we know from Westworld that she’s got the acting skills to play a criminal hardened by time. She felt completely wasted.

3. Why did we even have her/kill her if it affected nothing? Beckett mourned for all of one minute then she was barely mentioned again. They were partners in crime and in love, were going to basically get married after this last job, but after putting up the graves all he cares about is that he owes a mob boss money. No “Because you gave up stealing the stuff Val died for nothing”, just annoyance that he now owes that guy money.

4. Han didn’t have a last name? He got “assigned” Solo by the dude filling out his paperwork? Han mentions growing up at least partially with a father why would he not use that name he’s not Rey he didn’t get dropped on the planet as a four year old he remembers having a family who presumably had a family name and we see him be sentimental so why would he leave the name behind if he cared about the family he lost?

5. L-3 was amazing and died way too soon and was very under utilized.

6. The Kessel run we’ve heard about Han doing for decades was putting some special fuel in the tank to make it go faster? If that fuel exists and people can use it why is it special that he did something anyone else could do with that fuel it wasn’t skill he flew straight.

7. So the sense I’ve always gotten from the Han/Lando interactions was that they worked together on jobs and Han was the no rules sarcastic guy while Lando was more the long suffering straight man who loved Han but was also sick of his shit and wanted to be settled down while Han didn’t want to ever be tied to one place. In this movie they barely interact outside of card games, piss each other off, and we see no start to this supposed friendship just them being very antagonistic to one another after a single job where Han immediately wins the Falcon while also not really seeing Lando as any of the Lando he becomes, just a shallow pretty boy without any character change by the end of the movie.

8. “Chewbacca? I’m going to have to give you a nickname that’s too long.” Hey movie you don’t have to explain the history of giving your friend a nickname we would have figured out from context that as they became friends he gave him a nickname.

9. No real amazing fights. I hated Rogue One and Last Jedi but they both had amazing final battle scenes that were visually cool, exciting, and emotionally effective. There really wasn’t any of that in this the botched stealing at the beginning was kinda that but we didn’t really know any of them and they were just balancing on a train so it wasn’t that cool or impactful, and the final battle was just three people in a room so it wasn’t all that interesting or gripping.

10. No real quotable lines. So far every Star Wars movie, good or bad, has been very quotable but I could not think of a single stand out line walking out of this movie it was all just blah.

11. The reason this movie exists is to answer the question “How did the Han we meet in Episode Four become that way” and this movie does not answer it at all. He starts out as a naive street kid who wants to get into smuggling for one job to save someone he loves and ends with him giving up all profit for the chance to help the Rebellion. This doesn’t explain how he ends up a selfish smart mouth who only looks out for himself and Chewbacca and has no interest in helping the Rebellion. 

12. Lando is barely in it? He plays two card games, flies once, then just hangs out on the ship out of sight the rest of the movie this is supposed to set up their big bromance and he doesn’t really do much to build a relationship with Han.

13. Enjoyed the marauders being freedom fighters but it would have been more impactful to see a middle aged/older woman than a very young one. I don’t buy a girl who looks so young is able to convince the galaxy she’s the leader of the most ruthless marauders in the galaxy I would much more believe it if she was a woman in her sixties who devoted her life to this and was the true foil to Beckett’s selfish and untrusting ways.

14. The video asking people to join the fascist Empire being based off of American military recruitment videos, and the way the Empire generals talk being just like how America justifies going into areas, destabilizing them, and killing everyone was a touch I really liked. It’s not every day a movie compares the United States to the fascist evil regime of the Empire so blatantly and I thought that was a nice touch.

15. So we see Q’ra talk to Darth Maul, which means this takes place before his death and he died when Anakin was between 9 and 12. Anakin had Luke around 10-15 years later, meaning Han is about 15 years older than Darth Vader and a few decades older than Luke when he looks to be about mid 30s when we first see him and Luke looks young 20s so that would put him around the same age as Obi Wan who looked a hundred at the same time Han looked like he hadn’t broken 40 yet. (And books aren’t accepted movie canon I know he lives on in the books but that doesn’t mean he does in the movies so that doesn’t count for the timeline)

Just... Not good in so many ways.