#not a sad post

[delmondo]

sorry to gloat. i'm so endlessly flattered by the game dev scene over here seriously glazing tf out of me (yes homo) and continuously upholding me as the token erudite guy. no seriously. i'm so grateful that not only am i appointed this role, but i'm being given a real chance to speak about technical artistry to a room full of industry playas and professionals next month.

like seeing yourself on candid camera, vertigo floods in as context and hyper-awareness of your identity occurs to you all at once. you're not used to viewing yourself as someone to whom people give a second thought.

having found my confidence, my voice, and my identity what felt like only a handful of years ago allowed me to really emboss myself in the community as like, "A Guy". i enter a room and i'm apparently blessed with enough of a commanding presence to have folks calling my name, rotating and shimmying through the pub just to, no joke, sit me down and get me to harangue clumsily about the depth pass and depth fail methods for shadow volume rendering.

if i may meander, can i just say that there's something endlessly charming in theory about being erudite-- your shit is air tight, you're a real bonafide professional and all that shit-- but being a complete cocksure (lol cock) slickster smooth talker, within reason. you smell me? i think this is probably why i feel so allured by Jimmy McGill's character, whose portrait adorns my phone's lockscreen. didn't bother to psychoanalyze that until now.

within the last few years, i feel like i've been making only a faintly conscious effort of curating this identity for myself, and here i am in almost a flatly fatalistic fashion. i became what i wanted to be because i wanted it. and i want what i wanted to be because i am who i am. or whatever. i'll leave it as an exercise to you to try and wring a drop of wisdom out of such a truism.

[bonerbiter23]

i think sometimes that im incapable of hoping Like it would be more realistic to just say things will suck but i will live. Where is the joy in that .. Cant make myself believe anything more hopeful than that . Doesnt mean anythings wrong with me. Maybe i will be so alone ill think im going to die . ill wake up though. maybe i will notice myself forgetting things i thought i would never forget and i will miss home more than anything i have ever felt But i will wake up the next day... ill go to my job and go to class and ill probably snap at people and cry and stop talking sometimes and never shut up other times and no one will fix it for me . It will be okay and i will wake up again and i will listen to songs that sound like dreams and i will cry with happiness after telling a stranger i believe in them ..

[sleeplessv0id]

what doesn't kill you makes you weird at intimacy

[soul-from-another-era]

Unconditional love isn't a free pass to hurt me.

[would-anyone-like-some-bears]

How do you even organize... anything. I'm really asking because i feel a lot of rage and angst it eats away at my insides but it seems like im not capable of turning that into anything meaningful. I don't really have a network of people at my disposal and the ones I am connected to are in the same boat. If i dont have the strength to lead i should at least have the strength to follow but i dont know of anyone who is going to do anything. And at times i feel the call to lead but it gets crushed by fear of tommorow. Is there no magic piece of advice that will fix me or someone out there who can make use of me? I dont want to keep watching from the sidelines but i dont know how else to continue living.

[bardofavon]

not to be controversial bc I know this is like…not in line with shifting opinions on fanfic comment culture but if there’s a glaring typo in my work I will NOT be offended by pointing it out. if ao3 fucks up the formatting…I will also not be offended by having this pointed out…

‘looking forward to the next update’ and ‘I hope you update soon!’ are different vibes than a demand, and should be read in good faith because a reader is finding their way to tell you how much they love it. I will not be mad at this.

‘I don’t usually like this ship but this fic made me feel something’ is also incredibly high praise. I’m not going to get mad at this.

even ‘I love this fic but I’m curious about why you made [x] choice’ is just another way a reader is engaging in and putting thought into your work.

I just feel like a lot of authors take any comment that’s not perfectly articulated glowing praise in the exact manner they’re hoping to receive it in bad faith.

fic engagement has been dropping across the board over the last several years, and yes it’s frustrating but it isn’t as though I can’t see how it happens. comment anxiety can be a real thing. the last thing anyone wants to do is offend an author they love, and that means sometimes people default to silence.

idk where I’m going with this I guess aside from saying unless a comment is outright attacking me I’m never going to get mad at it, and I think a lot of authors should feel the same way. ESPECIALLY TYPOS PLZ GOD POINT OUT MY TYPOS.

[qiinamii]

new guy in the Express

bonus:

adding more to the whimsy

[monkesupreme]

ref

a satisfactory answer for Selina

[mintybagels]

just another goddamn mystery

[inkskinned]

okay is she being actually immature or is it just a woman over 30 expressing a human experience you find to be immature.

like yeah. at certain ages... let shit go. im not defending the real immature shit. im not defending the karen you're picturing. i worked in retail i hate those people too. (once somebody got mad at me because she didn't like how our winter window decor was a snowman smoking a pipe. i wish i was joking).

but men at 57 will write books about how 17 year old girls are soooo sexy. they will invent worlds where women have to be naked for "armor reasons." they will write songs that treat women as objects. people rush to defend them. meanwhile a woman at 35 will be like "heartbreak is hard, actually" or "i feel betrayed by a friend" or "i am struggling with something emotionally." immediately people will say stuff like this woman is 35 by the way. by the way this woman is SO OLD to be experiencing this. BY THE WAY.

im 31, almost 32. the other day a poet was blasted online because at her "big age", she had written a poem about feeling unloved. top comment was "this woman is 29 by the way." this woman is too old to still be useful, by the way. she has to behave better . maybe if she was a good wife and mother she could stop existing loudly, and the story could continue on without her. this woman has served her purpose, by the way. she's so cringe, by the way. at 29 - so old! - she still hasn't figured out that her existence should be one of shame.

[forestvnts]

overestimating how much you mean to someone really fucks you in the head

[forbiddnsky]

*violently sobbing* I KNOW ITS FOR THE BETTER I KNOW ITS FOR THE BETTER KNOW ITS FOR THE BETTER KNOW ITS FOR THE BETTER KNOW ITS FOR THE BETTER KNOW ITS FOR THE BETTER KNOW ITS FOR THE BETTER KNOW ITS FOR THE BETTER KNOW ITS FOR THE BETTER KNOW ITS FOR THE BETTER KNOW ITS FOR THE BETTER KNOW ITS FOR THE BETTER KNOW ITS FOR THE BETTER KNOW ITS FOR THE BETTER

[soul-from-another-era]

[frostedpuffs]

HAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

[spiritual-turg]

more of anya being her happy and whimsical self bc twitter seemed to really like this one!!

[secretangel555]