#nor feminine enough

[claypotz]

everything’s fine until I become aware that people perceive me and then my face looks wrong in my reflection and my body isn’t the right shape and nothing about me is truly me

[turtledotjpeg]

girls who go 🧍

[bylertruther]

sometimes. people on here will say things where i know if i point-blank asked them "hey, do you like butches, femmes, and people that do not 'look' or 'act' queer?" they'll of course say yes duh. and i know if i asked them, "cool. do you think that an androgynous person or 'very gender nonconforming' (for lack of better phrasing) is more queer than someone that isn't?" they'll say no of course not.

but then you read the things they've said about how queer people present themselves, how they "should" present themselves once they've reached a fully realized state, and how it relates to gender and relationships and its like Hmmmmmmmmmm. i don't think you do like any of those three groups i mentioned actually if that's how you really feel on those issues lmao.

it's the same school of thought behind the perplexingly popular idea that because noah wears athleisure, he couldn't possibly be gay (before he came out, this was the common sentiment; and even now, people act like finn is more queer than noah, just because he "looks and acts" like it according to them). this idea that you have to look and act a certain way to be Actually Queer or Queer Enough, and if you don't, then that's because you've fallen victim to conforming or you just aren't as comfortable with your identity. (what? as if there's a single queer identity to begin with?)

that if you're a queer guy and you behave or look masculine, then you just haven't come out of your shell and accepted yourself or experimented enough. that if you're a queer woman and you're feminine, then the same applies, or you're not as queer as a butch woman, who does exhibit gender nonconformity, for example. and if you're butch or femme (+ other equivalents), or in a relationship with your counterpart, then you're perpetuating heteronormativity, as if that's even possible, and we all know that's so very, awfully, terribly Bad, you're a stain on the community, and you have issues you need to work out.

people don't have to look or act in a particular way to be acceptably queer enough. we don't all gravitate towards certain expressions of gender nonconformity or androgyny just because we're queer, and a failure to do that doesn't suggest that we're uncomfortable with ourselves and our identity. you can continue to be yourself as you were even after realizing you're queer. that's not impossible or a bad thing.

femmes and gay men that are masculine in any capacity are not traitors, confused, or less gay. some people are the way that they are, regardless of their sexuality. we don't all morph into the same person when we realize we're queer. that shouldn't be a difficult concept to understand? that's literally just... being a human and treating queer people as such.

those evil gay people who are in "masc/fem" relationships aren't perpetuating heteronormativity either. just because they exist outside of your realm of understanding, or have the kind of relationship that you wouldn't personally want for yourself, that doesn't mean that they aren't members of your community—which is the queer community, in case you forgot—and don't deserve respect, too.

like. it's just so demoralizing lmao. what's so hard to understand about accepting that people are all different and that just because we may belong to the same community, that doesn't mean that we are all the same and must fall in line? it's so tone-deaf, insulting, and just plain unrealistic. you may not mean it that way, but it is. that rhetoric just is.

feminine gay women exist. masculine gay men exist. sometimes they may experiment with their gender expression once realizing this, but they don't always and they don't have to to be considered queer. butch/fem relationships and other similar relationships are not imitations of heterosexuality, because they're fucking gay, and they do not adhere to traditional heterosexual roles, because, again, they're fucking gay.

your experiences and beliefs are not universal. gay people are not clones of each other. stop invalidating or speaking down on other queer people just because you can't relate to them personally. i know some people don't mean to insinuate these things, but you do. you are. constantly. and the people that fall in those categories you've deemed unacceptable and other, see it.

it's so... exhausting to face that in this space, which is supposed to be a respite from the physical world where that happens, too. and those actions, those beliefs that people share, they also bleed into the physical world and how you interact with other people in your community. it's not just little words that you write and have no meaning. it doesn't start and end with a fictional character. the things that you say matter and sometimes they're very troubling.

people who have been in those "fem/masc" relationships, or that identify with any kind of similar label, have not lived a life that's an imitation of heterosexuality, nor are they any less queer than you just because you haven't been in/participate in relationships like that.

[acinomthecat]

It's just so weird seeing a sudden love and support for classic Disney Princesses nowadays in retaliation to Disney Remakes. I still remember when the whole internet slammed and berated the classic Disney Princesses for not being "proactive enough" and "too soft".

Like dang, where were all of you when the internet hated Disney Princesses instead of directing this energy towards the actresses portraying the Disney Princesses in the remakes.

[mifunebooty]

Only thing i have to do to move on from how bitch ass messy 5th grade me was that totally was out of her control is to kill that bitch

[hybbat]

Sometimes I'm tempted to draw Impulse as a tiny twink just to spite all the posts shaming and being awful to people for not drawing characters, who are canonically made of six cubes, how they want them to.

[passionfruitmango]

Ok google, how do I release the rage I've carried in me since I was a pre teen?

[ameliaenya404]

Everything physically about me is androgynous except for my face :( someone didn't get the memo obviously

[vamptastic]

ngl the only part of the barbie movie i enjoyed was weird barbie. if they made a whole movie about kate mckinnon playing the visual representation of my childhood feelings on femininity i probably would have enjoyed it. i always loved my fucked up buzzcut leg missing barbies the most.

[atrwriting]

rivalry — blackwood and bracken arranged marriage au

pt. 1 — bracken!reader x davos blackwood

au where two marriage pacts end the rivalry between the blackwoods and the brackens (i don't care if this has been done before this is my version gbye)

as always, warnings: misogyny, davos is a fucking FREAK, smuuuuut, dirty talk, breeding kink

lmk if u want pt 2 — aeron bracken x blackwood!fem!reader ;)

my fiancé actually loosely edited this for me so if this sucks it's his fault

____

“let’s get this over with.”

you gulped. you had been dreading this moment ever since your father announced there would be a peace treaty between your family, the brackens, and the blackwoods. the ceremony, the feast, and the dancing were not your biggest concern — but your wedding night? nothing could stop your hands from shaking — and your new husband, davos blackwood, surely wouldn’t step forward and aid you in your time of anxiety.

you folded your lip in between your teeth, playing with the exquisite shift that was custom made for this exact night — a night supposed to be consumed by the throws of pleasure and a hopeful future, possibly in the form of an heir. you couldn’t believe the brokering of peace came in the form of a marriage pact — to someone who would never see you as anything but a bracken, his enemy.

two marriage pacts, actually — you married davos blackwood, and your brother, aeron bracken, married davos' sister. two feuding families. bound not just by one marriage pact, but two — because everyone knew that only one marriage would not have been sufficient for peace. not only was he forced to spend his life, or the rest of yours, with a bracken — but his sister? forced to marry a bracken, as well? aeron bracken? of them all?

you could see it on his face — gray with sick. it turned your stomach as well — to realize you were loathed so much.

“i can’t change who i am,” you said suddenly, keeping your eyes on the floor. “nor my heritage. i understand you loathe the sight of me, for what it reminds you of — but i can’t change that.”

he didn’t respond. he just undressed with his back turned to you, save for his pants and under shirt. you watched the muscles in his shoulders and back ripple as he tugged off the garments, preparing for bed. you couldn’t see his face as he undressed — and you weren’t sure if it was good or bad. good because you could speak boldly — bad because he refused to look at you, and possibly would refuse your request.

“but as your wife... even if it’s the one you didn’t wish for…” you sighed, losing your thoughts and confidence. “i promise to not be a bother to you — the only thing i ask… is…”

he turned towards you then, but not completely. it was like he gave you his attention, but was fully aware of what he withheld from you — even though you were practically baring your soul to him. you weren’t in his head, you couldn’t be sure… but his silence was enough of a signal that he most likely would not understand a woman’s anxiety in a moment like this.

here goes absolutely nothing, you thought. you mustered up whatever courage you had — albeit very little — and continued, “you do not owe me anything — but i… i…”

“spit it out,” he bit.

your mouth fell slightly agape with his tone. it was the way feuding men speak to each other — not a feuding husband and wife. it was like you were stripped of your femininity and your new identity as his wife, and replaced with that of a rival male — causing you to come to the realization that this feud ran so deep that not even two marriage pacts with the hope of inspiring peace would be sufficient.

he would always hate you. always.

he’s going to hate you as if you’re your brother anyway, you thought. might as well have the stones to match.

you clenched your jaw, raising your eyeline. you refused to cower to a man when it wouldn’t make him hate you less — and especially not if it definitely wouldn’t get you what you wanted. you were afraid, and out of options. with a sigh, you responded, “be gentle with me the first time. just the first — that is all i ask.”

you held his gaze then — refusing to look away. he needed to know how desperate you were, to avoid that unfathomable pain as much as possible. you’d look him in the eye, the eye of the enemy of your family for the last few centuries — because otherwise the shame and dishonor was too great, and too heavy for a new wife to bear.

if you weren’t so intent on not seeming weak, you should have looked — actually looked — at your husband. at how broad his shoulders appeared in comparison to his lean waist and hips. his light eyes that seem to pierce you in a way that only a dagger could; sharp, and forever on edge. how he was so handsome that you might done anything to see him smile or laugh… but you couldn’t. wouldn't. you most likely would never get that chance — but you bet that he looked so handsome when he smiled.

but he would never smile for a bracken.

“be gentle with you?” he asked, accusation already in his eyes. his fists were bawled at his sides as he walked towards you. “as if your craven brother would be gentle with my sister?”

“how dare you even insinuate my brother would treat his lady wife with anything but kindness and respect!” you spat, leaning towards him with anger dripping from your pretty lips. “he may not like this situation any more than us — but he would never harm a woman, no matter what family she came from.”

he shook his head, glancing away from you. “you are actually naive enough to believe that?”

you narrowed your eyes at him. “if you’re stupid enough to believe that of him — then why would you want to be the very thing that you hope does not enter your sister’s bed this very same evening? — do you wish to be as despicable as you believe him to be, my lord husband?”

“watch your mouth, wife!” he spat through gritted teeth. “you would do well to mind your craven tongue.”

you mouth fell agape at his words. “my craven tongue, blackwood?” you scoffed at his words, suddenly too angry to be in the room with him. you didn’t want to get this angry — you wanted this to be as peaceful as possible. “i suddenly find myself wanting to leave this room — do enjoy our wedding night by yourself husband. i’m sure you’re well acquainted with your hand —“

you went to push by him, but he grabbed you by the elbow. he refused to let you pass, but you did not press the subject with words or jerking movements of your body. you did not know your husband — only his reputation from the mouths of kin. you did not dare push his anger — not when he could do with you as he pleased in this room, with no consequence outside these walls.

“i have been made very well aware of a bracken’s inability to perform their duty — but you will not stop me from performing mine, wife,” he grit, glaring down at you.

“i asked you to perform it honorably, husband! — if you can’t, then your reputation precedes you,” you spat. “so what will it be? i put the cards in your hands — so deal.”

his nose curled into a snarl, matching the hateful expression on his face. hatred poured from his veins, while you could feel your own resolve slipping away from your face. fear was creeping back in, as boldness only got a woman so far in the bedroom of an angry man. fear, fear, fear. it leaked from every one of your pores like tears, but you fought those. you blinked several times in order to hide what you could. if he saw the fear on your face, his own expression didn’t change.

…unless he knew the fear was always there, and he didn’t care.

“…please,” you whispered, anger still on your face but your voice threatening to break. “just tonight, husband — please.”

“i would never hurt a woman,” he spat, the flames on his face beginning to subside. “only a bracken —“

“i didn’t think you would hurt a woman,” you spoke, trying to soften your voice. “i asked — because others have described this pain as one of the worst. i was afraid, lord husband — but not of you.”

while you intentionally softened your voice, your husband did no such thing. he merely let his anger die with your words, most likely at the fact that you were the one to admit weakness. you were the one to admit vulnerability. you were the one to have to beg. you had won, but at what cost to your pride?

it didn’t matter now. all that mattered was getting this done. quick, done, and over with.

“lie on your back,” was all he said, holding your gaze.

your lips parted as your eyes looked down at the floor. you turned in place, and began walking towards the bed. you laid down on, fighting the urge to twist your fingers together in anxiety. you kept your head forward, but your gaze down and to the side. out of the corner of your eye, you could see your husband walk over to the bed and climb on top of you.

he unlaced his leathers as he spoke, both of you avoiding the other’s eyes. “avoid allowing your muscles to tense up — it will only make it worse.”

you whispered a small “okay,” barely audible.

you opened your legs, lifting up slightly at your hips for him to rest comfortably. he adjusted, before you watched him bring his hand to his mouth. you couldn’t help yourself — you watched as his lips sucked his long fingers past their opening, lubricating the digits. his eyebrows knitted together with the motion, before his fingers found their way between your thighs. you fought the urge to jump or squeal when you felt his warm, wet fingers thread through your folds.

he let out a sigh of discontent before glancing up to your face.

“trust me, alright?” he asked.

you didn’t verbally respond. you simply looked at him with your lips slightly parted, eventually nodding.

that was enough for him. he climbed down the length of your body, settling himself between your legs. he raised the length of your shift up to your stomach, leaving your bare from the abdomen down. in your nervous state, you took it as a cue to slip your dress off. when he saw the cool air hit your naked breasts and harden your nipples into a peak, his own lips parted — and you felt a growing mass harden against your leg.

“you’re beautiful, wife,” he spoke — seemingly without realizing it. you almost thanked him, before he added, “...for a bracken.”

you narrowed your eyes at him, ready to respond — when he dipped below your navel.

you sucked in a sharp breath of surprise — you couldn’t help it.

his tongue licked up and down the length of your slit, and dove in between your folds. you immediately covered your mouth with your hand, all of your muscles going tense. davos had wrapped his arms under your thighs, hoisting them around his shoulders. his tongue was thick and messy against your folds, causing them to glisten in the flames of the nearby fire.

and once his tongue made contact with the pearl at the very top of your slit, you let out an exhale of ease. it was not lost on your husband — who drew a circle around the circumference of the bud. when he noticed you relaxed more, he drew another. when he noticed you fought the urge to buck your hips up to meet his mouth, he drew yet another. he knew what was happening — but he wasn’t sure if you did.

when you began to fist the sheets with your one free hand, he didn’t stop drawing.

he locked his head in between your thighs with them thrown over his shoulders. your cunt was dripping juices from your sweet, untouched hole — and davos found himself ashamed to admit that he lost himself in the act. for a moment, he couldn’t help but forget the name of the girl above him — the one taking everything he gave her, and acting so grateful with the way she couldn’t stay still.

but after that moment… he could’ve ripped away and plunged into you, making the act become done and over quicker. he could’ve… but he found himself enjoying it.

he continued to draw those circles — those small, tiny, wet circles that sent you in a haze — as he slipped a finger inside your cunt. and then two. he was greedy for your reaction. he was greedy for the way he knew, he fucking knew, that you had never experienced pleasure like this — not by you or anyone else. him, a blackwood, would be the one to make you feel so good you would forget your name and house for even the smallest moment — even the smallest moment would be a win for his pride and for his house.

a small part of him hoped you’d feel shame at the fact he’d make you succumb to the throws of pleasure... but a larger part of him wanted to make you feel so good that you allegiance to your house wavered. ...but when he began to suck on your clit, sounds filling the room — he knew it would be both.

from below, he watched you shove the side of your face into the pillow and pull at its threads. your hips began to ride against his face, coating his chin with everything you could give him. he held you down the best he could — bratty little thing you were, but it was difficult as he also wanted you to lose control. he watched as you tried to bite your lip, harder and harder and harder — before you gave up. you left out a sob into the pillow, legs still shaking, and davos kissed your clit.

when davos crawled back up to meet you, every nerve ending had pins and needles. you were warm from head to toe — no longer in need of the fire, your shift, or any blanket. you were shivering, but not from the cold — but from the comedown, a stranger to passion and lust and pleasure. all three twirled around in your womb like a fire that had never been lit; a treasure to be discovered — only by davos.

“can i kiss you?” you asked before thinking it through.

davos had a look of being caught off guard. he wasn’t expecting you to ask, and you saw it flash on his face. you suddenly grew worried —

he didn’t let you finish your thought. davos leaned forward and kissed you.

he kissed you in the way you would expect a boy you love to kiss you — sweet, gentle, but with a growing passion that could only be shared in the bedroom. he held his weight with one of his strong arms, the other tucked behind the back of your knee. he pulled your knee to his hip and you wrapped both legs around his hips. you pulled him into you and felt the skin of his pelvis brush against your cunt.

“you’re so sweet,” you spoke against his lips. with obvious sarcasm, you added, “...for a blackwood.”

he laughed then. “you’re obedient for a bracken.”

you flicked his stomach, causing him to yelp — but you didn’t let him pull away for long. with both hands, you pulled him back to meet your lips. it hadn't even crossed your mind to ask him to wipe his mouth, for you did not want to. the old gods and the new would surely curse you for such lust filled thoughts — but you didn't care. how could you care when you had found a way to bring peace between a blackwood and a bracken, even if it was temporary? how could you care when you sharing one of the most holy of relationships, being the intimacy between husband and wife? how could you care when this night was going better than you could have hoped?

you could sense him bring his own hand down to his large member, feeling his forearm brush your thigh as he fisted his length. as much as you wanted to reach out and pleasure him — you were worried for what came next. the pain. the inevitable.

davos lined up the red tip of his cock with your tight hole, barely stretched out by his fingers. he slid his cock up and down the length of your slit with the intent of collecting as much of your juices as possible. with a slight push, he entered you.

you immediately let your head fall onto the pillow as the stretch began to burn. the pain on your face was evident, and davos guided his hand to draw circles on your clit once more. your muscles loosened, welcoming the pleasure that davos brought you.

“please,” you gasped, flicking your eyes up to him.

he stared at your face with an intense look of study. with his eyebrows knitted together, he brought one of your legs over his lower back and held you by the back of your thigh. the stretch was felt in the length of your cunt, as it stretched to fill his size.

davos was concerned for your well-being, of course, but something was beginning to curl in his lower abdomen. he wanted to take your by force — prying your legs open, holding your thighs in place, and drilling his cock into your swollen, dripping cunt. he wanted you to moan his name in his ear and pull at his hair or scratch his back — but he couldn’t, not yet. not just yet. not when you were you worried before, especially now that your attitude had been lost.

he had half a mind to point that out — lest that return.

“keep going,” you spoke.

“what if —“

“i’ll tell you to stop if it hurts,” you interrupted. “it’s all felt so good — i don’t want it to stop.”

he quirked an eyebrow at you. “is my wife claiming to know more than her lord husband?”

you squinted your eyes at him, ready to bite back. “i’ll have you know —“

but he didn’t wait for you to finish.

he leaned forward, placing both forearms on the side of your head. you could feel his lips against your earlobe, causing a quick intake of breath to overtake you. as he leaned forward to your ear, his hips leaned forward as well. his large cock was fully buried inside you now, rocking back and forth as it hit a spot so deep inside you that you didn’t know how he was able to fit. it felt like it was right behind your tiny pearl, which was being nudged by your husband’s pelvic bone. the combination was driving you crazy, only nonsense poured from your pretty lips…

“you’ll take what i give you, my pretty bracken wife,” he spat. “or should i say, blackwood, hmm? no longer craven?”

you wanted to bite back. you wanted to slap him. you wanted to push him from between you and make him finished himself off — but you couldn’t. you couldn’t fight your hips as they raised to meet his own, holding still as he pounded into your pretty cunt.

“a cock made you forget where your loyalties lie?” he questioned with a scoff, but never forgetting to smirk. “that’s all you need, wife? no one’s ever made you feel like this before?”

“you fucking —“

“say it,” he spat, almost growling against your lobe. his hips were snapping against yours as your cunt milked his cock, hoping for the spend that would seal the accomplishment of the marital duty. you were almost in tears from the frustration and the pleasure — not sure how to channel it, not sure what to do with it. “say it!”

“no one, davos,” you cried into the open air above you. “only you, only…”

his hands were tangled through your hair now, keeping your head upright as he sucked on your neck. little nips and bites sent shockwaves throughout your body, and your hips began to stir in the familiar way they had moments prior. davos’ weight held you perfectly still and taut, subjecting you to the pleasure his cock brought in the most perfect way.

“bet you can’t stand that you’re buried in a bracken right now,” you bit, almost succumbing to tears. “— can’t stand that only my womb will give you an heir —“

he yanked on your hair then, extending your neck so you were at his mercy. a strangled gasp left your mouth as you clung to him, which surprised you. you once asked for gentleness, kindness, sweetness… but if you had known how good this would feel… you wouldn’t have even bothered. you would’ve pushed and pulled him all night — subjecting him to the same insults that he hurled towards you if it meant he would fuck you this good.

“and i’ll coat your womb in everything i have, wife,” he growled, pushing his hand between your bodies to rub circles on your clit. “everything i have — until you’re full of blackwood seed. until there's blackwood in your veins. a full blackwood honorable enough to give me a blackwood heir.”

“i’ll never be —“

you couldn’t finish your sentence. the combination between his large cock taking you and his skilled fingers working you… it was all too much. you couldn’t handle the pleasure and the bittersweetness of his attitude, as you were already so close to your peak and losing to him. you could feel the heat rise to your cheeks, as well as spreading throughout your womb… ready for him…

“davos, please — “ you cried. “i’m so close. please don’t stop…”

“tell me you’re a blackwood,” he spat. “say it — or i’ll stop.”

“you wouldn’t —“

“i would dare, lady blackwood,” he spat, interrupting you. “now tell me who you belong to — or i’ll leave you unsatisfied with this pretty cunt dripping.”

he immediately began to slow down his hips, and you felt his fingers begin to slow as well. you tried to fight the incessant need to have him continue, but it proved difficult. soon, frustration replaced pleasure. anger replaced lust. need replaced pride.

“i’m yours, lord blackwood — !” you cried, pulling his hips back into yours. “please —“

he didn’t let you finish. immediately, his lips were on yours. he tangled your tongue with his until you could feel it down your throat. his tongue, his fingers, and his cock — they filled you whole, leaving you wanting for nothing. he held you to still so tight that all you could do was whatever he wanted. his own hips were thrusting against yours — chasing his own pleasure while you unraveled like pretty thread.

“this tight, perfect cunt…” he growled. “so many little blackwood heirs will bless this womb… seven hells…”

he kissed you once more, and you felt something break inside you. your head threw itself back against the pillow as every muscle in your body tightened and stood still. a sob left your mouth, incoherent — but when davos heard it, heard it crying for him and only for him, he broke as well. the heat and passion between two sworn enemies threw you both into climax that neither of you had ever experienced before. you pulled at his hair, while he bit down on your shoulder. and there was your bond — sealed in pain, pleasure, and blood.

when your peak had cooled, you found yourself clinging to your new husband as he still laid on top of you. he was breathing heavily, having expended much energy and couldn’t bring himself to leave your warm embrace. you began to scratch his back, hoping to relax him and get him to stay on top of you…

“that feels good,” he grunted from his spot in your neck. “are you sure i was once to hate you, wife? i find myself unable to remember why our families hate each other at this moment.”

you giggled. “we might not be able to help them… but i don’t see why it must carry into our union.”

“oh, wife…” he spoke, kissing your neck once more. “if our fights always lead to that — i believe our union will be forever blessed.”

____

lmk what you guys think!! who's ready for pt 2 w aeron?? - L xo

[macksting]

Also when you have settled on an answer, it's not necessary to think of that answer as final; if you figure out you're a man or a woman or neither or both, then later decide you weren't quite correct about that, I'm pretty sure that's normal. I have a friend who fully transitioned to a feminine body, then retransitioned to a more androgynous body because they got dysphoric again and realized they overshot. I thought I was genderfluid as a teenager because I didn't realize dysphoria isn't consistent or constant or the same for everybody and I should've chased gender euphoria instead which is a more reliable barometer. Later still I decided I was cis for, like, a whole decade before my egg finally shattered for good. And maybe you'll try something out and not care for it! That's fine too. I didn't tell my doctor, but a large motivating factor for me in starting HRT was curiosity: I wanted to know if I wanted it, and the short-term changes were no big deal, and the long term changes I decided could deal with because I didn't like myself as it was, so maybe this was in fact part of why. Or maybe not. (It was. I still have problems, but this ain't one of them.)

You don't have to get it right the first time. Transition is about agency and self-discovery. When someone discovers they're cis after consideration, that's a huge upgrade all its own. I always cheer and congratulate that too.

And it's okay to want something nobody has told you you should want.

How do I know if I'm Trans?

uhhh hard to say, it varies for everyone i think. but i WILL say that if it's something you're wondering about already, then it may be worth exploring those thoughts further and trying to figure out what parts of your identity, personality, experiences, etc might be prompting that question.

i've heard it said before that most people who are 100% cis do not typically spend time questioning their gender identity beyond what was already assigned to them, and that sounds pretty correct to me... but worst case scenario you try experimenting with how you present yourself for a little bit and consider how you feel about it and come out the other side feeling more confident in the gender identity you started out with. so it's worth a shot i say! maybe test out how you'd feel if a few trusted friends use different pronouns for you, consider dressing a little differently or accessorizing or playing around with your voice or whatever, and just see what happens! you don't have to commit to anything, there are no rules with this stuff :)

[ghelgheli]

i would actually like to hear more of your thoughts on whipping girl, whenever you feel ready enough to talk about it. i've only ever heard positive recommendations for it. i was thinking of reading it. i've read one or two introductory 101 texts on transmisogyny as well as some medium/substack posts, and always looking to read more as a tme person. ty!

thanks for asking! I'm gonna try to be concise because I'm stuck on my phone for the month, but here are my thoughts on whipping girl:

serano is at her strongest in the book in three areas: manifestations of transmisogyny in media (e.g. how trans caricatures pervade movies), the history of medical institutions developing a pathology of transsexuality (like the diagnostics of blanchard et al. or how trans people seeking healthcare were and continue to be forced into acting out prescribed expressions and manufacturing memories), and the construction of her own transition narrative (telling the reader what it was like for her to grow up desiring femininity in a way that confused her, the experience of crossdressing, the effects of hrt for her)

whenever she's just sticking to this, I think she effectively communicates a lot that the unaware reader could benefit from—even many trans women/transfems/tma people who are otherwise in tune with the history of medicalized transsexualism and our popular depictions could probably benefit from her own personal narrative, by nature of how variegated our experiences can be.

unfortunately I think the book fails at its primary—stated—goal, which is to theorize about transmisogyny. in the big picture this is a bifurcated failure:

on one branch of her argument, she remains committed to there being something biologically essential/innate about gender. this manifests thru multiple claims: that we have "innate inclinations" toward masculinity/femininity and "subconscious sex" rather than what I believe, which is that the latter are constructed categories imposed on different matrices of behaviour/expression/desire in different cultural contexts; that there is "definitely a biological component to gender" (close paraphrase) after a discussion of how she believes E and T tend to affect people (thus equivocating gender with dominant hormones!); that we have such a thing as "physical sex" which is the composition of our culturally decided "sex characteristics" (don't ask me how the dividing line is drawn) even as she says we should stop using "biological sex" as a term; that there is "no harm" in agreeing that "sex" is largely bimodal with some exceptions; that social constructionism is necessarily erasure of transsexual experiences in early childhood... altogether she is unwilling to relinquish arguments about the partial "innateness" of femininity/masculinity and gender. this is at tension with her admission on several occasions that these are neither culturally/geographically nor temporally stable concepts! but that doesn't seem to be a line she can follow thru on.

on another, intertwining branch, she engages in what I think is a deep and widespread mistake in the theorizing of transmisogyny: reducing it (mechanistically) to what she calls effemimania* or essentially anti-femininity. it is her stated thesis at the start that masculinity is universally preferred to femininity. she doesn't offer a definition of either term until one of the final chapters, where she defines them as the behaviours and expressions associated with a particular gender. but I think this reduction just misunderstands transmisogyny. it is even in tension with an observation she makes early on, that trans women are often punished for their perceived masculinity! but again, this is a thought she seems unable or unwilling to follow thru with.

my problem with the thesis is that masculinity and femininity do not float free of gender—it is not possible to speak of their valuation in the abstract. anyone who grew up as a masculine cis girl and never "grew out" of that "phase" can attest to the violence wrought upon expressions of masculinity from women. and this applies doubly so to the subjects of transmisogyny! not only are we punished for any perceived bleed-through of masculinity from our supposed "underlying male selves", those of us who are willingly masculine and thriving as mascs are punished for our failure to conform to the rules of the normative womanhood that is imposed on us (just as we are punished for any willing femininity as "false" and predatory upon cis womanhood—observe that transmisogyny is reactive degendering in every case!).

on both branches serano makes only perfunctory remarks about the intersections with race, class, and colonialism. "sex" as such was made to only be accessible to the "civilized", most of all the white european! for a racialized person and particularly a Black person navigating gender the waters are just not the same; the signifiers of sex neither available in the same way, nor granted the same medical legitimacy. what is the "physical sex" of someone who is de-sexed altogether? how can gender have a "biologically innate" component when its expressions between the bourgeoisie and the working class are at total odds with one another? this all goes for the masculine/feminine distinctions as well. what sense is there in the claim that we have innately masculine/feminine inclinations when globally (and transmisogyny has been made global!) what is feminine and masculine can be very nearly mirrored? nor is "masculinity is always considered superior to femininity" innocent of obviating race. transmisogynoir adds yet further degendering thru the coercive masculinization of someone as a Black woman—masculinization as punishment, again!

and as a final point, the account fails to be materialist. there is no attempt to place transmisogyny in its role as an instrument of political economy or, as jules gill-peterson might say, as a tool of statecraft. it is just a psychological response to the way the world is, as far as serano has anything to say about it. but how did the world become that way, and why?? serano's solution, the abolition of what she calls gender entitlement, is naive to the fact that gender entitlement is necessary to the maintenance of the capitalist state, which is structured thru patriarchy and built on colonialism. it is not possible to reskin this into something innocuous!

this is why I cannot recommend whipping girl as a work about transmisogyny except at the most shallow level. it could be a helpful critical read, but imo, it is just wrong about transmisogyny.

[tame-the-lion-writes]

tomboy reader x 141 - shopping

(Light warning for reader being self-conscious and insecure about her femininity.)

For the longest time, the boys of 141 don't see their tomboy teammate as a "girl." Not maliciously, of course, but it simply doesn't cross their mind.

It's not that you aren't pretty, but they're so conditioned to see you as "another one of the guys" that they don't spare a passing glance. You don't exactly dress up, either, and they haven't seen you in a skirt or dress. Nor do you have the most feminine interests--at least not that they know of--because their time with you is spent shooting at enemies, covered in blood, and kicking up dust. In short, the usual masculine tendency to see women as precious or dainty doesn't kick in. Because you're anything but.

Because you're a soldier.

In a way, you've grown to love it and hate it. The feminist side of you craves that respect and treatment as an equal. The other side of you, however, whatever the label may be, craves the idea of being wanted. You want to dress up nice and be small and cute. You want to wear heels and fluttery skirts and bows. You want to feel so sweet and sugary, that you could curl up in the palm of someone's hand--not afraid to be vulnerable and adoring and soft. Because you'd trust that person to still love and care for you, no matter how weak you allow yourself to be.

You never bring it up, though. At least not until Price asks if you have anything to wear to some fancy event, where you're stuck with a good old dress code.

"Yeaah... about that," you say with a sheepish smile. "Might have to get time off base to find something, sir. Don't think the pantsuit from my friend's wedding is gonna cut it."

"You don't got a dress? Not even one?"

"Was never the most comfortable in 'em, sir. Besides, I'm saving up for a house," you shrug. "I'm not out to buy some thousand dollar getup or jewelry." (And therein, beneath, lay the denial that if you didn't try to look feminine, you wouldn't look ridiculous doing so--imitating something you could never be.)

"Ooh, we should go shopping," Soap suggests with grin, leaning forward from his seat on the couch. "Think ol' Ghost here needs a bigger suit, anyway. Put on a few pounds--"

"Soap--"

"--of muscle! What--you think I was shaming ya?"

You roll your eyes, an anxious heat burning in your cheeks. "I can handle shopping myself, guys." And you didn't want them to be judging you for anything you put on.

"Oh, please, Gaz an' I are used to tagging along with our sisters," Soap continues, wrapping an arm around his fellow sergeant. Surprisingly, Gaz agrees with a nod.

"Not saying that you have to take us with you," Gaz starts, "but waiting outside a dressing room a couple hours is nothing."

"Long as we get food, of course," Soap adds.

"Well," Price notes, clearing his throat, "I'm in need of a new tie, too, so seems like it's settled. Ghost--and you?"

The masked man lets out a grunt, arms crossed on his recliner.

"... New suit."

Cue a little, "Ha! I knew it," from Soap. As well as Price filing for a one day vacation from the base.

** * **

You can practically feel the eyes trailing after you and the boys while you walk through the mall. Soap is loud enough as is, and combined with Gaz, both make for a pretty face. Then there's Ghost who just towers over everyone and looks like a cryptid with his mask, and Price who follows with the charm of an older gentleman. A posse of bachelors, that is.

You pick at the hem of your sleeve as you walk ahead--the default leader for today, seen as despite the boys' side quests, the main quest was you. Dressing you up in an elegant dress. Finding you matching heels and accessories. Making you look pretty and presentable.

So now you're here, standing in the dressing room of a fancy first-class boutique you could otherwise never afford--if it weren't for Price's insistence that, as your captain, it was his responsibility to make sure you looked "dapper." You smooth out the off-white creme of the skirt, staring in the mirror; you think you look pretty enough, and the pearl earrings add a certain charm to your otherwise plain features. (Though really, you're stressed that you'll seem more like a child playing dress-up--riddled with the self-consciousness of a girl trying imitate her mother, looking back at the gaudy mascara and smudged lipstick across her cheek.)

But there's no stalling. No more taking forever. The clock is ticking, and you either be judged for how you look, or judged for wasting time, or breaking down in refusal. (You know they'd never judge you--they're good men, you know--but still. You'd pick at your sleeve again if it was there--)

"Ready," you call from behind the curtain, taking a deep breath before stepping out into the light.

And all your fears melt away when they stop their banter to look at you, and their eyes widen--then soften--at the sight.

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

big question. i'm cis (afab) and my gf is trans (amab) and i'm sorta having a hard time reconciling something. i've been a hard line feminist since i was about 8, by 12 i was a practical library on everything and anything womens lib. i'm spending a lot more time around trans people especially my gf now and i'm sorta struggling to reconcile the trans experience with my feminism. like- i'll see trans women being like "i hate my body :(" "my voice is awful" "i need [x thing to try to pass] ugh" and like my first thought is always "NO! THATS HOW THEY FUCKING GET YOU!!! THE PATRIARCHY WANTS YOU TO HATE YOURSELF SO YOU ENSLAVE YOURSELF TO CAPITALISM AND LIVE IN A CONSTANT STATE OF NEED FOR NEW PRODUCTS TO WARD OFF THE EVER PRESENT SELF HATRED BROUGHT ON YOU BY SOCIETY" and they go "well then how do i pass/transition?" and i honestly don't know and i also don't know how far it goes before its no longer dysphoria but instead the intentional subjugation of women by patriarchy for profit. i wanna help my fellow ladies but i honestly don't know how to like- apply the feminism i was taught as a child to trans women and i want to learn as soon as possible so that i can start doing it like yesterday

hi there,

I'll be honest: if it feels hard to apply the feminism you learned as a kid to your trans friends, that's probably because the feminism you were taught didn't have trans woman in mind.

luckily, the answer to this is something that I consider to be feminism 101: what a woman does with her body is, ultimately, her fucking business.

listen: I agree with you that the beauty industry(TM) is evil. it's misogynistic, it's exploitative, it thrives by making women feel bad enough about themselves to make them spend money on shit they don't need, etc. we all know this.

now, having said that: women who like makeup or wear heels or get laser hair removal or whatever other asinine thing are not my oppressor, nor are they my enemy. dare I say, we have bigger problems.

we also need to consider that many trans women are coming to these choices from a VERY different place than many cis women are. while I think my fellow cis women really benefit from reminders that they're allowed to stop shaving or wearing eyeliner or dieting or whatever, that's because most of us have had those actions forced on us from very young ages and may genuinely need a hand to feel secure breaking out of those behaviors.

the majority of trans women are not coming from a background where they were encouraged to partake in the same personal grooming habits and modes of presentation as cis women; many of them have, in fact, been ostracized, bullied, threatened, and otherwise hurt because of forays into forms of presentation that are considered feminine. no matter how good your intentions may be, approaching your advice indelicately can, unfortunately, make you come across as no different than any transphobe on the street trying to enforce cisnormative societal expectations. it also must be said that, for many trans women, the ability to "pass" is a matter of security - for having their status as women recognized at all, and to avoid harassment and abuse in public spaces. if you live in America, like I do, politicians in power currently have an extremely explicit anti-trans agenda that can make it harrowing to be visible as a trans person, and trans women in particular are frequently targeted for violence.

there are absolutely critiques to be made the way the many trans women are expected to perform hyperfemininity. the notion that someone is duty bound to drastically change their appearance in order to transition at all is itself extremely rooted in cisnormativity, and "passing" is often contingent on being young, thin, able-bodied, reasonably wealthy, and hewing as closely to Eurocentric standards of beauty as possible. that's not awesome! but that's also not the fault of any individual; no trans person asked to be born into a world where gender norms are so narrow and failing to pass can come with a very real risk of physical danger.

also, if I can circle back to this: again, women who participate in aspects of the beauty industry are not our enemies. there are always going to be some number of women who enjoy doing their makeup or like spending time fussing over their little outfits or want breast implants or whatever. some of those women are going to be trans. my official feminist stance on this is that I don't give a shit, because I believe in bodily autonomy even when it involves things I would not do personally and the choices that individual women make about how they want to style their little meat body don't even crack the top 100 things that I'm worried about right now. it's actually kind of vitally important, politically, that trans people be able to safely pursue their preferred gender expression; while it's not particularly revolutionary for a cis woman to go outside all dolled up, whether a trans woman can do that safely is a pretty basic litmus test for how safe a given space is for queer people. it's a ridiculously low bar, and many places will still fail to clear it.

so, yeah, I don't know, dude. be there to talk to your trans girlies if they want to start unpacking some of the pressure they feel to conform to a very rigid idea of womanhood, but whether or not they can walk down the street in your neighborhood safely is a WAY bigger issue than whether they decide to do voice training or not.

if you really want to cut to the root of the insecurity and vulnerability that the beauty industry thrives on exploiting, your time is much better spent working to ensure the trans women in your life feel safe and supported and have a community where they can find support regardless of how they look.

necessary disclaimer I'm a cis girl, any transfemme folks please share your voice here and feel free to clap my ass if I've said something out of line.

[cheyisagirlkisser]

"My Sugar Mommy"

MODERN AU ABBY ONESHOT (Sugar Mommy Abby Anderson x Fem! Reader)

Contents: Smut, oral sex, strap-on sex, use of the term "Mommy", kind of angsty, bitter ending, older Abby, feminine college student reader, age gap between reader and Abby(reader is in her twenties, both are consenting adults!), seemingly unrequited feelings, THIS ISN'T PROOFREAD so there are probaby a few grammar mistakes Word Count: 3k

Description: When you're working some minimum wage job in college and money has you stressed, you resort to what feels like a laughable option: finding a sugar mommy. When said sugar mommy is the woman of your dreams, you end up worse off. You fall for Abby Anderson, and that was the one rule you promised you wouldn't break.

How you got into this predicament, you'd never want to say out loud to anyone who knew you. Neither family nor friends, not even the ones who knew the depths of your soul in ways that only she can reach. Those people who you seemed so close to were only brushing against your heart in ways that Abby had enveloped you, the ways she absolutely corrupted your once so sweet personality into her own insatiable sugar baby.

You were a simple girl with simple needs before you met her on that wretched website. You majored in English because you loved to write, and you wished to someday publish and get your name out into people's minds. You came from an average middle-class household, and struggling wasn't impossible, but you never knew the feeling of truly struggling financially until your sophomore year of college.

Your freshman year at your new university was tough, sure. However, you never had to resort to eating Maruchan on the regular. You never had to say no to hang-outs with your friends because you didn't have enough gas in your car. And you certainly never had a thought in that sweet little head of yours that you would ever need to go to a website like Sugarbabies.com to make ends meet. Things just seem to get more difficult as you become more financially independent, though. Even the miserable job at the gas station 10 minutes away from your university that you seemed to be working at nonstop was barely paying your living expenses.

At first, you truly considered Onlyfans. But your friends talked you out of it. That was a silly idea even for you, who was probably as poor as the dirt between the grass. They suggested something that could spare you some dignity: sugarbabying. You initially laughed off the idea, but as you found yourself struggling more and more along with homework toppling over you, you found yourself resorting to the last option. And that is how you met Abby Anderson.

Abby wasn't as old as most sugar parents; she was maybe 45, and she was extremely fit. When she initially sent you a friend request, you spent hours upon hours examining her muscles like it was going to matter whether or not you chose her as your sugar mommy. (You were totally whipped for her already..) The way you obsessed over the older woman was practically a sin, staring at her pictures as if she would jump out of the screen and fuck you silly on your twin-sized bed-

That small obsession was probably the first sign that the whole situation was a bad idea that could end in utter heartbreak for you. But what choice did you have?

Your first meet-up with Abby was extremely awkward for you. She was just as beautiful as she was on her profile, her dirty blonde haired braided, and her body adorned with a pair of baggy cargos and a casual t-shirt. She dressed so basic and you were still salivating. To you, this was no longer an act of money-making, but a pathetically huge crush on an older woman.

Abby was nothing like what her intimidating physique told you about her–she was sweet and caring. She went over every rule with you slowly and in this impossibly gentle voice, and she even complimented the skirt you had on that day. You laughed, pretty giddy and comfortable enough to express yourself around the woman.

The terms of her being your "sugar mommy" were simple: you would be cared for both emotionally and financially. She promised to take you out to the mall and buy you whatever cutesy outfits you liked, made sure to add in how much she already loved the way you dressed. She promised fancy dinners, and you were a girl who was obsessed with crab legs and anything other than shitty college-student food, so you happily agreed to that. However, the aspects of being in a sugar mommy / sugar baby relationship that were more catered to Abby was... that was where things got difficult to easily understand.

Abby was very upfront with you about the sexual aspect of your relationship. She warned you that in her previous relationships, sex was a common activity. She would never require it, but she did expect some level of romantic affections as a sugar mommy in order for the dynamic to work. You weren't an idiot- you understood what sex was, obviously. You also expected whoever you'd be in your arrangement with to expect sex, and you thought about it many times before signing yourself up on that website. It was the emotional aspect that left you feeling grey, and that was something that came after the two of you had already fucked around.

You agreed to a sexual relationship, and Abby didn't immediately request any sexual relations. The first month of your time together, Abby would simply pick you up and treat you to a shopping spree or just take you back to her luxurious home, treating you to wine and appreciating your company. Sometimes when you'd come back to your dorm after a long day with her, you would find random amounts of money slipped into your pocket. You found it endearing.

The sugar baby lifestyle was paradise in the beginning, especially that first easy month. You never had to worry about money, never had to say no to going out with the girls or hell, even worrying about your tuition. Anything you needed, Abby provided. If you were stressed, she'd massage away at your shoulders with her big, strong hands and make you feel at ease.

Really, you could say the first time you had sex with her was where things got so messed up. But that wasn't even true, because you were already so addicted to Abby by just her personality. She was everything anyone could ever want. That being said, the sex definitely lit the fuse that made you so certain you were falling for her.

The day the situation made a turn for chaos started off normal. You spent most of the Saturday morning at your job, and when you got home, you spent most of the evening finishing up homework that needed to be completed. It was when you got a short text from Abby saying that she wanted to pick you up that you felt a shift in your life. Usually, her texts were detailed with what she'd do with you, how fancy she wanted you to dress up, etc. This felt scary. You almost thought that she was planning on breaking off your relationship, which sent an ache through your heart that you should not have felt, but that wasn't the case.

You drove to her house, the road seeming to wind on forever before you finally turned into her drive-way. When she opened the door for you, she didn't look somber though. More serious with a slight twinge of nerves. When you stepped into the house, you were ordered to sit on the couch and listen to what your sugar mommy had to say.

"Look, I'm just going to get straight to the point with you.. I think it's time to take this further. I'd like this relationship to become more physical."

Of course, you agreed. You wanted her for a while, stared at the way her muscles flexed when she'd do certain mundane tasks. The two of you had kissed before, which was usually a short and sweet action, but you were always left wanting more. You didn't even know if you were supposed to be so eager for sex with her. Afterall, you were the one that was supposed to be entertaining her. You knew that you were supposed to enjoy it, obviously. It'd be quite awkward if you didn't. However, you figured that most sugar babies were never supposed to fantasize about their sugar mommies the way you did...

Just the night before, you were in your bed, hand in your panties, two fingers pathetically fucking away at your sopping cunt. Touching yourself was one thing, but dreaming of Abby's fingers taking over? That was a whole new can of worms to open. You'd never even admit to Abby how you gripped at your sheets when you came, biting your bottom lip hard to keep from screaming her name for the whole floor to hear.

When you agreed to Abby's new suggestion, she was pretty much indifferent. That made you feel so exposed: the fact that she could tell that you'd say yes. Maybe she was just some secretly magical sex goddess that could smell the twinge of arousal dripping off of you anytime she'd take you out to spoil you. Maybe she was aware of the feelings of attachment you'd harbored for her that you hadn't even known about that first month of business. Nonetheless, she calmly led you to her bedroom.

You hadn't seen it before, but now that you were standing in the middle of her bedroom, you felt a deep-seated wave of intimacy approach your heart. The lights were dimmed, a few candles lit on her dresser. There wasn't a pile of messy clothes on the floor, or a stray piece of trash on her nightstand like your dorm contained. It was so..mature looking. It suited her well, a clean and cozy bedroom.

You were told to sit down on the bed, so you obliged. She gently parted your legs with her knee to stand inbetween them. You looked up at her with slightly widened eyes, pupils blown. It wasn't surprising that you were already so ready for her. She didn't have to rush to feel between your thighs to know how soaked your pussy already was. That should've been a sign that you were too far gone, but Abby was a bit selfish. She ignored it.

Abby leaned down to press a few kisses onto your reddened cheeks before meeting your lips with a sweet kiss. Kisses with Abby was the best part of being her sugar baby. She kissed you like you were a treasure, like you needed to be protected and deserved every bit of attention you received. Her lips kissed you in ways that were so controlled, in ways you hadn't experienced from your past, when sloppy and fast was the way to go. No, she slid her warm lips against yours and when it was finally time, she'd coax your lips wide to swirl her tongue into your mouth, which had a way of making you moan into hers.

Her mouth finally broke away from yours with a burst of ragged breathing. Her voice was thick with arousal that you hadn't heard before. "Are you going to be good for mommy and let her eat that pretty pussy of yours?"

The thoughts resurfaced, the countless nights spend fantasizing about how her tongue would drill into your hole-

"Yes, mommy..", you answered, arousal seeping into your own voice, a hidden gem of emotional want buried so deep within it that Abby hadn't detected it, or chose not to.

With you naked on the middle of her bed, Abby's head between your legs, her tongue between your wet folds, heaven was no longer debatable. You should've thought of the consequences of letting yourself get so emotionally invested in what she was doing. It was just sex. That was something that was repeated into your mind overtime by friends and by social media. You knew that people could fuck and never love each other, but it was so difficult for you to not fall in love with Abby. The sex only made your conflicted feelings worse. The way your thighs engulfed her head, you could squeeze her face until your heart's content and she'd never complain. She'd only squeeze your soft thighs harder, only intertwine her fingers with yours which made you let out an embarrassingly horny moan. You were too high on Abby's treatment to even consider how badly it was to have what was supposed to be casual sex in a way that you knew wouldn't be casual for you.

Abby's tongue only swirled around your clit at times, and other time's it would ruthlessly devour your pussy just how you needed her to. She was drawing out your pleasure, coaxing every bit of need out of you and attempting to satiate your cravings. She was silent, mouth focused on your cunt, while you were loud and shameless.

"Abby, please- fuck, right there, please.."

"I wanna cum, please just make me cum..stop teasing."

"Ooh, fuck-"

Yeah, you were insatiable. After a torturous amount of time, the blonde finally stopped teasing your clit and let her tongue fuck you at a brutally fast pace. It didn't even take long to send you right over the edge, all over her gorgeous face.

Her tongue didn't cease, only continued with pressured strokes against your clit, milking every drop of pleasure from your body. You were on another planet, practically seeing stars. In that moment, you consciously knew that nobody would have such a hold on you the way Abby did. Nobody could have you wrapped around their finger, make you cum around hers...the way Abby had you.

After you came down from your high, Abby held your bare body in her lap, in her arms, muttering soft words to you. "Yeah, that's my good girl. Shh, just stay here, I'll hold you, okay?", she cooed to you, coaxing you back down to Earth.

You went home that night all giddy and surely in love.

Surely, loving Abby wasn't such a bad thing. She was a huge part of your life, and she was so caring. Who wouldn't fall for her? You recognized your feelings, your attachment, your dependency. Yet you just couldn't find it inside of you to think of it as a dangerous thing yet.

Over the months, Abby had you in countless ways, on countless nights, in countless moods. Sometimes, she was a bit stressed from her job. Those nights, she'd have you mainly pleasure her. You'd be so eager for the times you could lap away at her pussy, because it was a rare occurrence that she'd be vulnerable enough to let you. See, that's the thing about love. You want to give your person everything you have, and more. Other nights, Abby was feeling really sweet with you. She even bought a strap-on to use on you. She'd fuck you with the fake cock so mercilessly and yet so sweetly, just shy of breaking you. You almost broke down once and spilled out how much you loved her on one occasion after she had you in missionary, staring into your eyes at some points and kissing you while you came, whining muffled noises into her mouth so she could practically swallow your pleasure at its peak. Some nights, she was really tired but still wanted to see her baby cum. She'd let you bounce on her strap, whispering how good you were at taking her cock while kneading your tits in her hands like dough.

However, things seemed to change for the worse. You didn't even notice it at first.

It started with turning down your friends' questions to hang-out to go to dinner with Abby and have sex after. Then, you quit your job. At that point, Abby had paid your tuition off for you, and you felt financially well off. That was a truly stupid idea, but you really didn't want a job in the first place. It was too hard to balance a job and homework and Abby. The final major turning point was when you found yourself relying on Abby for more than just expenses. You were relying on her emotionally as if she were your actual partner.

Anytime you'd find yourself crying over stress or had a bad day, it was Abby's door you knocked on. No matter how many times that week you had already came over, you'd still call or knock right back on her door.

At this point, both of you knew how in love you were. How much you needed Abby. But to her, you were the perfect girl, and you had everything she needed in a sugar baby. You weren't spoiled or demanding, at least not first. But as time went on, it was clear the intense love was not leaving. It was only developing into something horrendously serious. And hell, maybe Abby felt the same. Felt the feelings rise up in her soul for you. But she was an older woman, she was more equipped in pushing them back. Anything she felt for you left as soon as it bubbled up.

The late-night calls you initiated, the constant need for reassurance because the current situation was just not cutting it, every part of your love was starting to grate at Abby. You started out as her perfect girl, and now you depended on her in ways that left her unable to simply move on.

Most of Abby's previous sugar babies simply moved on after a few months, when they had the closet of their dreams and had everything they wanted. But when what you wanted was an actual relationship, when Abby so accidentally ruined the sweetness in you, that's when she had to end it all.

You didn't take the "break-up" very well. You couldn't even call it that, because you were denied a true relationship. It was miserable being alone after having someone that you felt like was your everything. You fell back onto your bed each night yearning for something you didn't even get to fully experience, and your grades that were already suffering only got worse. You were still financially stable, at least enough to give you the time to find a new job, but none of that even mattered to you.

You were ruined, bitter and corrupted from someone so sweet. It was all your fault. You knew the rules, and yet nothing stopped you from falling face-first into Abby Anderson. And the worst part is, somehow, this wouldn't be the true end of the hold Abby had on you. Not when Abby had realized how wrong she was about her own feelings, her own naivety of her attachment to you after she ended it.

Maybe you had corrupted Abby back, and the two of you were far from done with each other.

[soaplantro]

Let's play a game called Process of Discrimination. We will eliminate faulty definitions for the word "transfem" one by one, hopefully ending with an idea of how transfemininity is erased in discussions of transfemininity. Someone smarter than me called it denial of epistemic authority.

Transfem does not mean "developed virilizing (masculinizing) traits." It does not mean "having facial hair, a deepened voice, etc."

Transfem does not mean "possessing traits that cause gender dysphoria," nor even "experiencing gender dysphoria." It does not mean "having a Y chromosome" or "having testicles." (This is the closest we will come to seeing earnest engagement with the social nature of transfeminization; one woefully underdeveloped acknowledgement of the significance of sex assignment.)

Transfem does not mean "raised male." (Children may socially transition at very young ages.) Transfem does not mean "not relating with any other identity." I will not repudiate the middle claim about having "all the same struggles and life experiences as AMAB transfems," because it is inherently unfalsifiable. I do find it interesting, however, that (AFAB) intersex experiences must always be distinguished and never erased. It is only "AMAB transfems" who can experience this all-encompassing overlap. The existence of intersex transfems AMAB remains pointedly unacknowledged.

Transfem does not mean "transitioning to have a more feminine body." I find this implication especially infuriating because transition technologies are frequently inaccessible to us. The phrase "masculine unaltered state" reveals much. I wonder, who benefits when masculine is treated as the default? Are we transfems only "altering" our innately "masculine" bodies, or are we engaged in a continuous and in some ways unique political struggle?

In other words, is transfemininity something anyone can "do" with equally (il)legible results, or is it something expressed conditionally through one's very being, inextricable from the totality of one's social circumstances? If it's the former, then "transfem" should remain a word anyone can adopt and redefine however they like. If it's the latter...best not to think about that. Moving on.

Well, if we simply must go there, allow me to indulge in the corollaries so you can marvel along with me at your own dehumanizing rhetoric. Transfem does not mean "biologically male." Transfem experiences are incredible varied and often cannot be neatly categorized the way AFAB people's can be.

So what is a "transfem?" Have I narrowed it down enough for you @status-quo-hater?