#nonamorous aro culture

[aro-culture-is]

aro culture is feeling like a math problem because i'm non-amorous but also polyamorous but never monogamous

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[alien-ally]

So. Yesterday, a classmate asked me a very interesting question. (I’m out to her btw) Lolol honestly me clarifying in between that i’m actually 100% on the far end of being aro kind of collapsed the quo but i told her to ask away anyway. It was something like ‘Hypothetically, if u happened to meet an arospec person in school and you guys managed to really hit it off together, so much that you felt like you wanted them in your life even after school ended, would it…’ basically you get it. So she wasn’t really asking if i would date them but if it could possibly lead to any kind of partnership/if i could see myself in that sort of a companionship. and actually. what a brain-gear turning quo. The answer is no btw, that’s not the brain gear turning part. cause the quo ties to me Also happening to be aplatonic. which means nothing of that sort has happened to me till now and i frankly see the possibility to be very low. There has never been an instance where i’ve ‘hit it off’ with someone so profoundly that i end up ‘wanting them in my life more intensely’. (which doesn’t mean i don’t ever hit off with people or ever find happiness from having them in my life. No, that would be a gross misconstrue.) Uh anyways, i’m not going to explain the phenomenon of being💥apl💥top to bottom once again, just know that the answer is a direct no for me without any further ruminations. However the brain-gear turning part to me is that i nevertheless see meeting a fellow aroace(apl) person as the next biggest thing to happen in my life. And i have fantasized about it on many occasions. cause that would entail an exquisite kind of understanding i’ve never experienced in my life and mark an important milestone. which i’m sure won’t be happening until later. school is about to end in less than 6 months. So then what would it be like? Given that i am what i am. What form would that grandeur take? What form can it take?

On a lesser note, it also made me aware of the sort of ‘lack of determinism’ on my part. cause i have always been so led to want things i don’t truly want, which part of the yearning is real and which an inherent conditioning? Yeah you don’t see anyone asking straight people if they would ever turn gay but it’s allowed to aspecs? And it’s a thing we repeatedly ask ourselves too due to the same conditioning. Given that growing up and finding partnership doesn’t invalidate your aspec-ness in any way? As harmless a quo (my classmate’s) it was, led to a cascade of thoughts all over again. Good old Aromanticism.

[nonamorous-culture-is]

nonamorous culture is hating nuclear family type norms

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[trans-enby-culture-is]

This is a culture blog for trans people!

Meaning everyone who is under the trans umbrella (or can be under the trans umbrella: trans men and women, nonbinary people, xenogenders, questioning people, anyone not cis or who think they aren't cis). Also cis people you are welcome to like, reblog, follow but please don't hijack posts. I don't gatekeep here, just everyone be respectful of each other.

So how does it work?

Send in an ask or submission that starts off with: "x culture is". x being trans, non-binary, gender queer, agender... Be as general or spasific as you want. Then add in anything you like having to do with being trans.

Then I'll post the submissions!

Please don't use "nb" when you mean non-binary (it originally meant non black, and shouldn't be used in this context)

Wait aren't there blogs like this already?

There are some general trans/enby culture blogs, but they haven't been active in years, so I'm stepping in to the void.

This blog is inspired by other culture blogs:

@aro-culture-is, @ace-culture-is, @ndcultureis, @depression-culture-is, @gnc-culture-is, @apl-culture-is, @nonamorous-culture-is, @demi-alterous-culture-is, @demigirl-culture-is, @demigender-culture-is, @queercutlureis, @questioning-aspec-culture-is, @autigender-culture-is, @neopronoun-user-culture-is, @genderqueer-culture-is, @genderqueercultureis, @aspec-culture, @no-empathy-culture-is, @disassociation-culture-is

Lists of culture blogs:

part 1: orientations and general queerness

part 2: gender identities + intersex

part 3: neurodivergency

My main blog: @it-is-only-a-novel

DNI: the usual, I don't hesitate to block.

Edited on 14/10/23

[brain-stuck]

what up welcome to brainstuck

were called that because we . Because we are Stuck in th

were a massively introject heavy system of like 27 or some shit and we made this blog to. idk reblog system shit and maybe you guys can interact with us or smth . this blog was the result of a democratic vote so here it is 💯

COLLECTIVE INFO

bodily 23

trans dude, default to he / him

overall aroace. headmate identities heavily impact the Flavoring so were loveless, lovequeer, nonamorous and partnering all at the same time

refer to us as a whole as brainstuck or perhaps bingus. i am serious we will respond to bingus

not endogenic or traumagenic but a secret third thing (nunyagenic) (nunya business)

DISCLAIMER some of us arent white in brain but we are bodily white . we dont claim those identities but we do like learning about those cultures so if you got any cool facts hit us up

the resident shawties

COHOSTS: kyle (irl), xingqiu (discord), dave (tungle)

FREQUENT FRONTERS: tao, shinobu, yoimiya, layla / samira, lynette, kaveh

OTHER SHAWTIES: bo, john, rose, jade, jane, dirk, jake, lark, aradia, sollux, karkat, feferi, lumine, barbara, keqing, xinyan, kokomi, bronya

LITTLE BITCHES: dimple (<- what we named our intrusive thoughts demon)

click the read more for more info on us individually OK EPIC BYEEEE

KYLE 💤 - Our core Guy. The OG. He / him, trans, aroace. Handles IRL stuff. Professional Sleeper. We are all facets of this guy including This Guy

DAVE 🎧 - @aroacedavestrider and @incorrect-hs-quotes (mod dave). he / him aroace homestuck gang. yallready know whats goin on. cohost

QIU 🌊 - @alegendofsword and @blueboy-mlm. He / him, gay ace, trans. Genshin Gang. Cohost. Name is pronounced “CHYO”. Writer and reader.

KAVEH 🏛️ - @kavehshahrewar. He / him Genshin gang uh. Horrendously gay. I am suddenly the tallest bitch in this house and I don’t know how this happened. Slay

BO 📺 - @nosignal-standby. he / it. aroace. nonhuman static entity. voidsona. shoutout to deltaverse. probably a trauma holder.

JADE 🌱 - @gardeniagnostic. she / they demigirl! polyam pan, homestuck gang :) talk to me about hawai’ian culture and green magic!!!

LAYLA / SAMIRA 🌟 - @fantastical-eveningstar. she / her for both of us, two-person subsystem. demiaroace and maybe bi about it ?? genshin gang. astrology nerd

JOHN 👻 - he / him, biro ace, homestuck gang. resident Dissociator™. i’m learning spanish and greek! june egberts can interact if comfortable. :)

ROSE 🐙 - She / It. Demi, sapphic. Bi lesbian, don’t care to figure out which I am specifically. Homestuck gang. Talk to me about crystal magic.

JANE 🎂 - She / He? Bi, some kind of gender going on. Homestuck gang. Not frequently near pilot. Sorry :B

DIRK 🔥 - He / him. Gay, aro, left arm amputee in headspace. Rewatching MLP. Rarity is funnier than I remember. Homestuck Gang.

JAKE 💀 - He / they demiboy quoi-aro and bi! Homestuck gang. Absolutely talk to me about crazy ancient relics and sites. Australian not british!

LARK 🐦‍⬛ - he / him and bi. kind of a fucked up human bird davesprite thing. not crow strider. used to go by luke. part time protector

ARADIA ♈️ - she / they n0nbinary thang. ar0ace. autistic 0n the beat ab0ut cryptids and urban legends 0u0. h0mestuck gang. name is pr0n0unced “uh-RAY-dee-uh”

SOLLUX ♊️ - he / hiim, biiro ace. iidk much el2e ii ju2t work here. ii play a lot of miinecraft. home2tuck gang

KARKAT ♋️ - HE / HIM, GREY-ARO, PAN AND ACE. VITILIGO NATION RISE UP. FREQUENT FRONTER. HOMESTUCK GANG.

FEFERI ♓️ - S)(e / )(er and pan! Name is pronounced “F-EF-furry”. )(omestuck Gang 38) !! I’m a trauma )(older, actually!

LUMINE ✨ - She / her, lesbian. Genshin Gang, kind of a… splice between Traveler and Abyss Lumine? I was both. I am both. Where is Aether

BARBARA 🎶 - she / her and bi ^^ genshin gang. i love to sing and make playlists for my headmates! kind of a… religious trauma processor??

XINYAN 🎸 - she / they ace lesbian and im the proud token punk rock headmate WOOO!!! genshin gang. send me cool music!! names pronounced “SHIN-yan”

TAO ⚰️ - she / they aroace :) genshin gang ! i collect books full of ghost stories so tell me some if you dare~

KEQING 💫 - She / her, lesbian. Genshin gang. Name is pronounced “KUH-ching”, but I also go by Kit. Let’s call me the… “manifestation of productivity”.

SHINOBU 🗡️ - she / he. not picky. aroace, genshin gang. i also go by “shoby”. protector.

KOKOMI 🐟 - She / her lesbian and Genshin Gang! Qiu and I read a lot of books together and I would be very happy to hear recommendations :)

YOIMIYA 🎆 - she / her demi lesbian genshin gaaaang nice to meet you!!! i’m a… motivator?? lmao?? yeah!!

LYNETTE 🎩 - She / her aroace. Genshin Gang. Call me Nette please. Not much of a talker

BRONYA 🐰 - She / her unsure of what the Bronya is. Bronya likes Seele. The Bronya is a newer member of system and does not know what she likes yet. Only Honkai subject as far as the Bronya knows.

DIMPLE - this is our resident “and a half”. hes like our intrusive thoughts brain demon and we all hate him so we made him look like dimple mp100 and we call him shit like “scringle” and “bunkle” and “grinkle”. hes not allowed to talk cause he sucks but if he was wed make him use this 👹 ok epic

THANKS FOR READING THAT WAS MAD LONG ok. 👍

[fallenstarcat]

nonamorous culture is realizing just how much of your stress and anxiety was caused by the idea that one day you'll have a partner and being glad you dont have to deal with that anymore.

like seriously, so much of my anxiety about doing what i want with my life and body was because i was worried some imaginary future partner wouldnt want it / agree with it. it feels so much better to know i wont ever have to settle for something in my life because a partner doesnt want it.

[just-aro]

hey im a little confused. ive asked several people and ive been told i can be nonamorous / nonpartnering yet desire a close friendship, then today another aro said that is impossible because a close friendship is a partnership. they claimed you'd need comittment in that type of relationship (which btw i dont understand that argument because i guess i have "comittment" in every relationship, im not just going to let my friends leave, im going to fight to be their friend for as long as i can). i hate the word "partnership" or "partners", it makes me so uncomfortable to put that kind of label on any relationship i have

hi,

i have no fucking clue how the perspective that you can't be nonamorous or nonpartnering and have a close friendship would even work. commitment of the type each refers to is typically like... romo/qpr/similar, and that involves a mutual discussion of interest in a partnering/amorous relationship. you can't just, be in a relationship of that style without explicit communication of such.

while i can't speak for all aros, I think this is an occasion where this other aro is misinformed and speaking over a subject they do not understand.

- mod kee

[strigas-and-upirs]

*Gotta Be Somebody by Nickelback starts playing in radio*

Me: uhh i want to be the last one there?

[pega-chan]

Valent Damian Rafaelt - The Unintentionally Stellar Aro Rep

finally getting around to this post! in honour of Pride Month and Aggresively Arospec Week (@aggressivelyarospec), i'm doing an analysis on possibly the most well-written aro character i've ever seen in the media - Valent Rafaelt. i never expected to get a POC aro character in the local comic scene, but here we are! /gen sorry for my crappy comic scans in advance. (tagging @nzcienif cuz i think you might find this interesting :D)

[ID: A picture of Valent Rafaelt from the Scrambled comic series looking right at the camera. He is a fair-skinned teen boy with light blue eyes and sideswept, slightly messy brown hair. He wears black-rimmed glasses and a name tag that reads, "Valent Arjuna" pinned to his white t-shirt. End ID.]

Introduction

Valent Damian Rafaelt is a main character from the Indonesian comic book series Scrambled and its Webtoon prequel, Scrambled: Journeylism, both by Rosalina Lintang. set in modern-day Bandung, the story follows plucky transfer student Filan as he seeks out to start a band with his classmates at his new school. Valent is Filan's classmate and ends up being the bassist of his band, named "Scrambled". The kids of Scrambled set to polish and promote their band as they navigate their high school lives.

its prequel Scrambled: Journeylism centers on shy Visi (also a main character in Scrambled), who's just starting her high school freshman year (set a few months before the main series). She gets a journalism club assignment to write an article on the five hottest guys in school—and lo and behold, the list includes Valent, who she first falls in love with during orientation. The story here doesn't really focus on Valent, so i'll be focusing on Valent in the main series.

to describe Valent, i'm just going to copy the relevant bits of his official bio here.

positives: rational, witty, calm, realistic, and very independent

negatives: sarcastic, insensitive, too closed off, hard to read, aloof

hobbies: sleeping, eating, reading books, listening to music, browsing jokes/dog videos on the internet

likes: food, dogs, alone time, good books, puns

dislikes: no food, overly noisy environments, unrealistic and narrow-minded people, having his private space intruded upon

interestingly, there's a section in his bio that describes his type (of person to date). i guess the author didn't want to give away his nonamory earlier on in the story, or since his bio is supposed to be a reflection of his mind, it might just be that Valent feels obligated to have a 'type'. my headcanon is that he's just aesthetically attracted to girls.

type: someone smart, not annoyingly talkative, likes dogs, can cook, and 100% understands his need for privacy

based on that, i think Valent's really just describing his own qualities.

he (unintentionally) embodies some fun parts of aro culture too: pizza is his favourite food, and he would choose his pet dog over a romantic relationship any day. Valent is romance-neutral with a disinterest in romance; whenever it's brought up, however, he expresses his confusion about it and its amatonormative aspects. he's also nonamorous.

he's generally well-known at his school despite only being a freshman, with many acquaintances but few close friends. this is in part bc he's the 'too pretty to be aro' archetype: he's popular with the ladies bc of his good looks and many profess their love for him.

[ID: A three-panel black-and-white comic in Indonesian. The first panel shows two boys looking off to the side as they catch the tail end of a conversation. A girl says: "Valent! Aku...Aku suka kamu...terimalah cokelat buatanku ini!"

The second panel shows the two boys, bemused, watching Valent and a short-haired girl. Valent has his back to them. He says: "Maaf, tapi aku nggak suka cokelat. Omong-omong, kamu siapa ya? Pernah ketemu?" The girl gasps, in shock.

The third panel shows the two boys, bemused, watching Valent and a short-haired girl. The girl turns away from Valent, sobbing. End ID.]

translation:

Nathaniella: Valent! i...i like you...please accept these chocolates i made for you!

Valent: sorry, but i don't like chocolate. by the way, who are you anyway? have we met?

[ID: A two-panel black-and-white comic in Indonesian. The first panel has a black background with a single speech bubble that says, "Sori, tapi emangnya kita saling kenal?"

The second panel shows Valent, rubbing his neck and looking tired as he lets out a sigh; a girl running away from Valent, sobbing; and a boy peeking out from behind a wall, watching them both. End ID.]

translation: sorry, but do we know each other?

bc he's not very perceptive, however, Valent always rejects and dismisses them in an insensitive manner, to the point where he doesn't think that sharing their confessional chocolates with his friends is a big deal.

[ID: A black-and-white comic panel in Indonesian. Valent turns toward two boys, Filan and Axel, watching him, offering a box of chocolates. He asks: "Ada yang mau?"

Filan startles, thinking, "Eh! Memangnya...kamu nggak ngerasa awkward atau gimana??? Kok malah aku yang ngerasa awkward??"

Axel points to himself and replies, "Aku mau." End ID.]

translation:

Valent: anyone want some?

Axel: i do

Filan: don't you feel awkward or?? why am i the one feeling awkward???

Visi: ng...is it okay for you to be sharing Nathaniella's chocolates with others…?

Valent: because i hate chocolate.

Visi: ah, i see...but she definitely wants her chocolates to be eaten by you exclusively, right…? maybe you should ask permission first

Valent's problem is that he doesn't see the purpose of cushioning the girls' feelings bc he doesn't even know them, so it's easier to get to the point when he turns them down. even if he DID know them, Valent doesn't know how to handle people when they're crying. aside from that, he doesn't understand crushes so he doesn't really know how much his actions towards them can hurt them. this is the basis of his arc: he has to learn to be more considerate and sympathetic towards the girls he rejects.

Filan: ...hoi...Lent... it's not wrong to turn them down, but you don't have to be that sadistic, right? if you keep that up, no one's going to like you anymore.

Valent: great, that means i have to be even more sadistic!

Filan: (thinking) my god...is this kid really that ungrateful? don't you see your friend over here isn't very coveted by the ladies?

Filan: (out loud) that's not what i meant! you gotta reject them nicely, not as harshly as you always like to be! then you say 'thank you'! apologize properly!

Valent: i'm too lazy for that, it’s troublesome. easier to get to the point

The first volume of Scrambled serves as an introduction, so Valent's personal arc is explored fully in volumes 2 and 3. here's the major character involved in his story.

Visi

[ID: A bust drawing of Visi from the Scrambled comic series. She has fair skin, brown eyes, and shoulder-length black hair and is grinning. She's wearing her school uniform that consists of a collared white short-sleeved shirt with her school emblem on the breast pocket and a greyish blue tie. End ID.]

the catalyst. Visi has had a crush on Valent since the beginning of the school year but never interacted with him. at first she sort of puts him on a pedestal, but when she gets recruited as Scrambled's band manager, she befriends Valent and discovers another side to him as they grow closer. even though she does get frustrated with how oblivious he is, she still likes him. Visi calculates her chances at a romantic relationship with Valent, and after much thought and encouragement from her friends, she confesses to him over semestral break. when she does, Valent is forced to deal with the aftermath and confront his aromanticism and insensitivity head-on, kickstarting his crisis.

the two have a lot in common and Visi ends up being one of Valent's closest friends, so he cares a lot about her. here's some stuff you should know about her from her official bio.

positives: perceptive, likes to help, hardworking, very loyal, reliable

negatives: sceptical, has difficulty prioritizing herself, pessimist, low self-esteem, has difficulty turning people down

likes: good books, chocolate, romantic things, history, kind people

dislikes: bugs, being ignored, sudden changes in plans, rude people, being disturbed

this doesn't really have an impact on Valent's arc, but is interesting to note: Val is in a subversive love triangle with Visi and Scrambled's drummer, Hosea. Visi is on bad terms with Hosea, who in turn has a crush on HER. her cold shoulder gets warmer until they reconcile in volume 3 (Visi and Hosea are endgame, and it's set up pretty nicely from the beginning). Hosea and Valent are actually good friends, and Hosea advises them both when misunderstandings occur between them post-confession. there's none of the silly "fighting over a girl" plot, bc one of them in the triangle is aromantic and cannot care less.

The Story

the beginning is simple: Visi has a crush on Valent, and decides to build their friendship. while doing so, she tries to estimate her chances with Valent. all anyone knows is that Valent turns down anyone who's ever hit on him, but her reasoning is that they weren't people he knew personally. she thinks perhaps he'd go for someone close to him.

Visi: if...if for example you were friends with someone...then one day they admitted to liking you, how [would you react]...?

Valent: hmmm...well i'd just turn them down.

Visi: e-even though you knew them, you'd still reject them? even if you were close?

Valent: well, how do i put this...even if they did 'like' me, is it not enough for us to be just friends? i don't understand why we'd have to change it into something else. what's the difference with what we have now? is there something that makes it different? i don't get it.

i think this is something that confuses a lot of us aros - the difference between different committed relationships. how exactly are they defined, and how much do they differ? we often don't know, and neither does Valent. we try to define them anyway through our own personal lenses :D

also, notice how he doesn't consider a romantic relationship as "more" than friendship. just "something else". even before he realized he was aro, Valent still said fuck amatonormativity, and that is very iconic of him.

in fact, his nonamory is so obvious, several of his friends comment on it:

Visi: i don’t understand Valent's line of thought...and it seems like he’s not someone who cares about that sort of thing...aside from that, i feel like he always turn down girls not just because he just ‘doesn’t know them’....

Hosea: ah, how do i say this…i think i get it...when i was talking with him, it really felt like he wasn’t the type of guy who likes talking about girls or stuff like that…

despite that, Visi’s friends still encourage her to pursue him, because you never know right? Visi's big push for her confession was during semestral break, where she and Valent were working on lyrics for an original song Scrambled was making. Visi was putting herself down and expressing self-doubt about her writing abilities, and Valent tells her this:

Valent: you can’t think that. In my eyes, you’re more than that.”

obviously, if it were any other character, this would’ve come off as an (amatonormative) romantic gesture. unfortunately for Visi, Valent is not allo, so of course he meant something else when he said it. this one statement gave Visi the courage to confess.

Visi: I LIKE YOU!

Valent: you...like me?

Visi: (nods) tha-that’s why...if we can...i’d like to go out with you...!

Valent: why?

His first reaction was to question why Visi would have feelings for him - not because he’s insecure, but because he couldn’t understand how a crush works. as a logical person, he wants to know how it works, and Visi’s reply doesn’t satisfy him.

Visi: we-well, the thing is...i was surprised and happy when you complimented my piece that was posted on the school news bulletin board. I was happy that you considered me that highly. To the point where you entrusted with several important things [writing pieces]...a-anyway, sorry if my question is too sudden! But this is the first time i’ve ever been able to get this close with someone i like! And the first time someone i liked has ever noticed me! So…!

AND THEN THE BIGGEST PLOT TWIST OF ALL TIME.

Valent: i like you too, Vis. but...do we have to get into a romantic relationship just because of that? Boyfriend and girlfriend...regular friends...i don’t see the difference with what we’ve been doing this entire time.

Visi: of course it’s different! If we were a couple, we would be a lot closer, and--

Valent: we could be like that as friends too. why should we change our relationship if nothing is really different? It’s better if we stay as we are.

After that, he tells her he’s going to give her some time to be alone, apologizes, then walks away, leaving her crying.

If he doesn’t give off aro vibes by now, then idk what to tell you.

As school swings back in session, Valent commits a major mistake - assuming that Visi was similar to him. He thought that, like him, she would be able to move on quickly from experiences such as this one, and could heal by herself. he thought that the confession was the end of it and everything would go back to normal, so he acts like nothing's wrong. because Valent is painfully oblivious, he doesn't notice how Visi is actively trying to avoid interacting with him while she tries to move on from his rejection.

when the rest of the band catches wind of what Valent did, they all agree it was nonsensical for Valent to leave Visi at her lowest point. Visi is a sentimental person, so they advise Valent to try and sympathize with her and be considerate towards her feelings. he doesn't know how to do that either, so Hosea advises that he give Visi some space. and because Valent is so lost in such an unfamiliar situation, he naively follows Hosea's advice without thinking it through like he usually does.

i feel like here his disinterest in romance really backfires on him, bc when he's faced with rejecting someone he very much cares about, he's lost on how to sympathize with an occurrence he's never been in--getting one's heart broken bc of a crush. as you can imagine, mindlessly following Hosea's advice worsens things instead, bc Valent ends up avoiding Visi when she actively tries to approach him and straighten things out. this makes Visi thinks he hates her, and gets discouraged for a while.

i might be repeating myself, but just a reminder that Valent jumping through so many hoops to repair his friendship with Visi is a Big Deal. he's difficult to befriend and has few close friends, so the fact that he's trying so hard to keep their friendship means a lot--especially knowing Visi is a girl and could possibly hit on him and complicate things. to him, a great friend is worth fighting for.

after Valent realizes he's screwing it up even further, and after Visi finds out from Hosea that Valent's just taking his advice the wrong way, the two finally have a proper conversation to sort things out.

Visi: this is all my fault. Someone like me dares to have a crush on someone like—

Valent: No. In my eyes, you're more than that.

Visi: ...What do you mean?

Valent: What does what mean?

Visi: When you said, "You're more than that", Val.

Valent: Well you keep talking as if you're lesser than everybody else. Even though I think you're amazing.

Visi: ...HUH?

Valent:...Once again, I think I worded that wrong..to be honest, I was also confused when you told me that you 'liked' me. Because I don't understand what I'm supposed to do with those 'like-LIKE' feelings. Do you remember when I said I 'liked' you back? But...what about it? Why is it when two people like each other they have to date or pair up? Isn't friendship enough?

Visi: ...

Valent: Do you get it?

Visi: S-so...if you have to ask something like that... what does that feeling of 'like' feel like for you all this time?

Valent: Meaning...?

Visi: For me...the feeling of 'like' means that I want to be considered more special than everyone else... or maybe it's more like the feeling of wanting to be somebody else's...

Valent: Was that what you felt when you had a crush on me?

Visi: Yeah, something like that.

Valent: Oh...well I think it's different for me. What I feel is more akin to awe or respect. Like when you look up to a senior in your school club bc of their amazing personality and skills. Could you imagine dating them because you are in awe of them?

Visi:..No.

Valent: Well, that's how I've been feeling this entire time.

Visi: So...even if you 'like' someone, you haven't felt the urge to 'own' them/'be theirs'?

Valent: When you put it that way...then yeah. I guess I haven't.

this one conversation made me squeal the first time i read it. turns out he went through SEVERAL very common aro experiences: mistaking admiration (or any other positive emotions) for romantic attraction, not understanding the hype around romance, and not understanding romance, period. then he proceeds to COME OUT to the close friend who he rejected after she helped him figure out that, he does not, in fact, experience romantic attraction. this boy, a hormonal teenager, really explicitly admits that he’s never gotten crushes before. i nearly cried bc i felt so seen. and it’s such a surprise bc my country has such an amatonormative society, i didn’t think anyone actively challenges amatonormativity, let alone have a character who is so explicitly aro - and Lintang gave the local comic industry both. needless to say, Valent means so much to me, and i hope topics like this can surface more in local media.

to wrap up Valent’s arc, the epilogue has a scene where Valent rejects a girl--but he's considerate about it.

[ID: A black-and-white comic page in Indonesian with three panels. Valent stands, silent, his expression blank, then says, "Sori. Tapi emangnya kita saling kenal?"

A long-haired girl stares back at him, surprised. End ID.]

[ID: A black and white comic page in Indonesian. A long-haired hair turns away from Valent in frustration, but glances back when Valent says something. Two boys and another girl watch her and Valent from behind a wall as Valent says, "Tapi, makasih udah ngasih tau." End ID.]

[ID: A black-and-white comic panel in Indonesian. It depicts Valent and a long-haired girl looking at the camera. Valent says, "Aku hargain perasaanmu." The girl blushes and looks surprised. End ID.]

translation: sorry. but do we know each other?

but...thanks for letting me know. i respect your feelings.

is Valent aro or not?

from the canon text, it's pretty clear that he is. i don't know how else to read it. he quite literally admits to never having crushes before; i think that's pretty solid. but the author never really confirms it, and i don't blame her if she doesn't--in a queerphobic country, her readers wouldn't take it well. she does, however, admit to having bi and gay characters, but never brings up their sexualities bc it wasn't relevant to the story.

[ID: A tweet in Indonesian with the username blocked out. It reads, "10) anak pertamanya nessa bkn anak kandung alias anak tiri makanya design-nya mirip persis bapaknya (bilang aja ga kreatif (loudly crying face emoji))

"11) there are characters who're gay & bisexual but i'm not gonna tell bcs i don't think it's relevant to the story (statusnya, klo perasaan sih valid)" End ID.]

specifically i'm talking about point no. 11 (these two points were grouped together bc Lintang was doing a trivia drop for Scrambled characters on her twitter).

translation (for the Indonesian sentence): [for] their status [i mean], their feelings are valid

Valent’s romantic orientation, however, IS relevant to his story. In bettering himself, he ended up finally understanding a part of himself that helped him navigate a world saturated in romance. His case is a lot like Saiki K.’s from The Disastrous Life of Saiki K. - pretty obviously aro, but never having it officially confirmed (except Valent of course has more evidence).

In conclusion: Valent Damian Rafaelt is aromantic and there is nothing you could say that can convince me otherwise.

[ID: An aromantic pride icon of the character Valent from the Scrambled comic book series. Valent is in a 3/4 bust view, smiling as he looks at the camera. He is wearing a sweatshirt over a collared flannel shirt. End ID.]

[kyanitedragon]

Do you ever think about how touch-starved we all are because of amatonormativity in our culture? And how most allos probably solve this through their significant others? But for us nonamorous aros, we don’t have that option and never will?

[aro-culture-is]

Nonamorous aro culture being romantically “alone” but feeling fulfilled with friendships anway, because you know what, I don’t need romantic love to be happy, contrary to popular belief :}

and truly, happiness comes from many thing, not all of which are people or things we love.

[alien-ally]

Dude. The actual extent to which my parents unsuccessful marriage has contorted my moms views about marriage. According to her, it might as well be the worst thing that can happen in your life, after which you'll be totally stifled and sentenced to a hoard of responsibilities. That the best part of life is the first quarter but people should probably get married anyway when they get older (30ies) so you don't end up alone in a far later stage of life. With that said, life will also get reduced to an adjustment once you're married so never hurry it or ever think about it until you're 30.

Making this post after the talk my mom gave my brother who's actually nearing this age (27) and happened to make a confession (that he has someone he likes, like as in like to marry them someday) which he just happened to make during an offhand convo about upcoming marriages of my dads friends kids. Sat through the whole thing with a constipated smile on my face while my brother kept throwing me glances with a matching (or more indulgent should i say) smile on his face and timely humms. That's just what's left. Incredulous smiles. The rest of the things we feel, they'll be felt in peace, in secret. There's never anything we can say to make a difference. Ig one advantage of living in a make-do marriage is you learn all the things you must never do. At least we'll grow healthy i guess.

ourgh it's going to be so good when i come out. when she finds out that I'm going to be just what she wants in the most ironic way. that i am in fact NEVER going to get married. even if she doesn't understand what the terms mean. but yk sometimes i wonder if my mom is aspec. legit. she just doesn't know perhaps. but AHEM anyways what was I saying again-

[nonamorous-culture-is]

nonamorous culture is doing the “bi to Aro pipeline” but instead it’s polyamorous to nonamorous

.

[aro-ritsu]

Challenging Amatonormativity: A Guide for the Questioning Aro

So i’ve been helping a friend who’s questioning if they’re aro and i thought i might as well make a post with some of the advice that i’ve been giving them in case anyone else might find it useful. A lot of it involves questions to ask yourself that are supposed to help you confront internalized amatonormativity. I won’t tell you what different answers mean since you’ll know better than me how to interpret your own thoughts and feelings, but I may explain how they affect me.

Small disclaimer: this is all based on what has been helpful to me in the process of questioning and accepting myself as a nonamorous aroace, so i can’t say for sure that it will apply to everyone.

Imagine yourself in a romantic situation

Are you looking at the situation from a third person/outside pov or a first person/inside pov? If it’s third person, you are likely distancing yourself from the situation and should attempt to imagine it in first person.

How does the situation make you feel? Again, make sure you’re imagining this from a first person pov.

What does the other person look like? Are they distinct? Can you describe their features? I find that hypothetical s/o’s i imagine tend to be just featureless blobs.

What appeals to you about a romantic relationship?

Are the things involved things you consider romantic?

Why do you consider them romantic?

Do they need to be romantic, or can you see yourself getting these things from a platonic relationship?

Could it be cultural influences that are making you see these things as romantic?

Imagine yourself doing these things both with a romantic and platonic label. Which one feels more comfortable? I often find that simply labeling the activities as romantic is enough to make me feel uncomfortable while a platonic label on the exact same scenario makes it more appealing.

Generally, nothing has to be considered inherently romantic, even going so far as marriage or starting a family together. You can still think of them as romantic things, but they don’t have to be if those things still appeal to you while romance doesn’t.

Are you experiencing romantic attraction?

Think of someone you think you may have been attracted to. What do you want out of a relationship with them? Do you want a relationship at all?

If you think you do want a relationship with them, are the things you imagine doing with them romantic? 

If yes, why do you consider these things romantic?

Put a platonic label on the relationship you’re imagining and see if that makes you feel any different about it.

What i can say about my experience is that imagining platonic relationships or doing intimate things with my friends is a lot more solid and clearer and comfortable in my mind than imagining myself doing things i’ve explicitly labeled as romantic. 

Also, it’s important to reconsider what you think is romantic. Much of what constitutes romance is a social construct, so reminding yourself that you don’t have to be in a romantic relationship to have intimacy can help a lot in figuring out what you actually want. 

I hope this makes sense and someone out there finds it helpful!

[arotechno]

thewholesomecat replied to your post “Nonamory as Curse: Aromanticism and Amatonormativity in Tumblr...”

I actually like to think that soulmates don't have to be romantic and can even include pets. Most of the popular soulmate AUs don't explicity state that it doesn't work that way so it should be possible. But then again I'm alloromantic and don't experience society's heavy focus on romance as bad most of the time or at least not like an aro person does. So, I do understand that a lot of aros can get tired or pissed off by the concept of soulmates

This post I made a long time ago explains why saying soulmates don’t have to be romantic is not comforting to me, and I would suggest you give it a read if you are able. My issue with soulmates is not just the heavy focus on romance, but also the fact that as a nonamorous person (someone who does not form committed partnerships of any kind, romantic or otherwise) this idea does not make space for me. As I said in the post you’re replying to, “Amatonormativity is so prevalent in tumblr’s soulmate culture that even platonically, aros are expected to form life-long, committed partnerships with Someone Special, and the consequences for not measuring up to that expectation are often damaging.”

And so it doesn’t matter to me if they don’t have to be romantic. I do really love my friends and maybe that would “count” but that isn’t universal to every aromantic person, and even if it was I still believe that soulmates are a generally harmful concept.

I would also ask that you not give your opinion on aromantic issues unprompted if you yourself are not aromantic. There is plenty of writing out there from a ton of aro bloggers (including myself) about why these ideas are harmful; in the future, please take the time to read more of our perspectives before presenting your own idea, as chances are we’ve already heard it a thousand times before.

[astriiformes]

greed-the-dorkalicious replied to your post:[[MOR] I feel like my journey towards...

While I understand how/why you feel and I’m not trying to argue with you at all, I’d like to say two things: 1. While I for sure understand what you mean about nonamorous and yeah it’s probably not the best term, it’s… For us? Absolutely no one should be calling other aros “amorous”. “Nonamorous” doesn’t mean everyone else is “amorous” in the same way “asexual” doesn’t mean everyone else is “sexual”. If you see someone actively calling other aros “amorous”, (1/3)

(2/3) please let me know so I can personally tell them to shut their bitch asses the fuck up. 2. The thing people like me are upset about is not the concept of QPRs or other such relationships, or the people who have/want one, but the culture surrounding them. We’re not saying it’s bad to have/want a relationship like that. We’re saying it’s bad to have this culture where those of us who don’t are villainized and treated as heartless. I understand it may come off (2/3)

(3/3) harsh when people are really mad about it, but please, please understand that no one is making a personal attack against you. I love and support all aros with any relationships, I just want them to love and support me as well and the aro community currently has a culture that does not want to do that. We need to build a culture where instead of “Some people (x), and that’s bad!”, we can say “Some people (x), and some people (y)” and just leave it at (¾ APPARENTLY)

(4/4 GOD HOW DID THIS GET SO LONG) that without trying to hold one up as being better than the other.

The thing is that like.... if that's the word people want to use for themselves, it's still uncomfortable. All aros should be "nonamorous" because amorous is a definition for a word that doesn't describe aros. Period. I don't know if that makes more sense than how I explained it before? And regardless, the fact that it was suggested at all betrays an unconscious bias by those who use it that compares qprs to romantic relationships which is deeply uncomfortable to me. And as far as your commentary goes like... I DO see people using the term amorous like that, so the bias is sometimes even less unconscious and sometimes that explicit

And as far as the other stuff it's just like..... again, it betrays so much about how people feel about qprs even if they aren't being explicit about it. Acting like it's a form of attraction or desire as opposed to just an arrangement that people reach sometimes has been a really weird shift. I remember years and years ago it was talked about as more like a situation you could end up in, not something that people desired/didn’t desire on a level worth categorizing as part of your orientation. That I could maybe be comfortable with as an idea, I was at the time, but this new framing of there being some kind of fundamental difference between people who want them and people who don’t just feels like people are making it out to be something much more like romance than I think should be applied to aro relationships at all.

Lastly, like... starting this off by saying you understand how I feel is not necessarily a great move? The whole point of my post was saying that I don’t even understand how I feel, because this whole weird culture that’s grown up around talking about platonic relationships has made it impossible for me to process how I feel or what I actually want. I’m uncomfortable with this stuff because of the general trends in thinking it reveals, whether or not it applies to me, because I can’t know if it does or not until the conversation doesn’t make me scared that if I do some self reflection I’ll reach a bad conclusion. I don’t know if I’d call my current situation a qpr. I don’t know how I’d classify myself if you forced me to add an additional identity label (which I never want to do, but for the sake of clarifying my point, I will say). All I know is that I live with a very good friend of mine and we plan on continuing to do so, but I’ve been unable to figure out my boundaries and needs and it’s been hurting some of our ability to communicate with each other because I’m unable to tell what I actually feel due to fear that I’ll do things wrong.