#and there’s plenty of time to relearn intimacy and affection

[alien-ally]

So. Yesterday, a classmate asked me a very interesting question. (I’m out to her btw) Lolol honestly me clarifying in between that i’m actually 100% on the far end of being aro kind of collapsed the quo but i told her to ask away anyway. It was something like ‘Hypothetically, if u happened to meet an arospec person in school and you guys managed to really hit it off together, so much that you felt like you wanted them in your life even after school ended, would it…’ basically you get it. So she wasn’t really asking if i would date them but if it could possibly lead to any kind of partnership/if i could see myself in that sort of a companionship. and actually. what a brain-gear turning quo. The answer is no btw, that’s not the brain gear turning part. cause the quo ties to me Also happening to be aplatonic. which means nothing of that sort has happened to me till now and i frankly see the possibility to be very low. There has never been an instance where i’ve ‘hit it off’ with someone so profoundly that i end up ‘wanting them in my life more intensely’. (which doesn’t mean i don’t ever hit off with people or ever find happiness from having them in my life. No, that would be a gross misconstrue.) Uh anyways, i’m not going to explain the phenomenon of being💥apl💥top to bottom once again, just know that the answer is a direct no for me without any further ruminations. However the brain-gear turning part to me is that i nevertheless see meeting a fellow aroace(apl) person as the next biggest thing to happen in my life. And i have fantasized about it on many occasions. cause that would entail an exquisite kind of understanding i’ve never experienced in my life and mark an important milestone. which i’m sure won’t be happening until later. school is about to end in less than 6 months. So then what would it be like? Given that i am what i am. What form would that grandeur take? What form can it take?

On a lesser note, it also made me aware of the sort of ‘lack of determinism’ on my part. cause i have always been so led to want things i don’t truly want, which part of the yearning is real and which an inherent conditioning? Yeah you don’t see anyone asking straight people if they would ever turn gay but it’s allowed to aspecs? And it’s a thing we repeatedly ask ourselves too due to the same conditioning. Given that growing up and finding partnership doesn’t invalidate your aspec-ness in any way? As harmless a quo (my classmate’s) it was, led to a cascade of thoughts all over again. Good old Aromanticism.

[guqin-and-flute]

3zun are having "quality adult time" when they're interrupted by small child who just had a nightmare.

(Pff love it. There are no actual ‘quality adult time’s in this fic, just frustrated parents being interrupted making out 😂 Bonus little post-canon And A-Fu Makes 4 3zun at the end!)

If there was one thing that could be lamented in all of Nie Mingjue’s parenting experience, it was bedtime. Patience was not a thing that he was known for and there was something about the whole bedtime process that just made him want to pull his hair out. One would think that living at least half of his time with a clan that prided itself in such a strict sleep schedule would rub off on the boy but no. No.

Every night, it was either sudden selective deafness or running around like a hyperactive little squirrel attempting to rile himself up or ‘I’m hungry’ or ‘I’m thirsty’ or ‘I need to pee’ as soon as the time came. ‘I’m lonely,’ he would insist. ‘I want to know where trees come from all of a sudden.’ Once, it was even a straightforward ‘You are all going to have fun out there without me and I don’t think that should be allowed.’ That last one was accompanied by a very Xichen-like reasonable eyebrow raise but a haughty sort of finality in pursed lips. Nie Mingjue was torn between laughing and grinding his teeth. “We will be doing boring adult things, child. You need to sleep.”

“What sort of things?” he demanded back.

“Budgeting,” Nie Mingjue responded, dryly, folding his arms.

Sometimes, it would actually be something of the sort--Clan business and whatnot. And sometimes it was some nice, relaxing, patiently-awaited intimacy. Since they knew their son very well, nothing all that interesting would be attempted in the first 2 hours after putting him to bed--with good reason, for he tended to pop up at the most inopportune times to announce that he wasn’t actually that tired and so this was a perfect time to tell a story, I think. “No, little one,” Lan Xichen would remind him with a patient smile as he walked him back to his room. “This is the perfect time to sleep. Goodnight.”

That child could shoot little daggers with his eyes and it was a struggle not to laugh and rankle his 5 year old pride at the injustice of it all. Nie Mingjue wondered who he had gotten that look from. 

He would usually let Lan Xichen handle it, or Jin Guangyao if he happened to be around, because by the gods they seemed to have the most infinite well of patience when it came to small child chicanery. Nie Mingjue, on the other hand, had long had to deal with Huaisang’s mischievous schemes and world-class ability to whine. His patience for such things was a finite resource he had mined dry very early in childhood. Oh, he loved his brother--but he did not love it when he got in trouble as the oldest for Husaisang deciding to sneak out of his room repeatedly (as if Nie Mingjue was supposed to have foreseen and stopped this!) or wail at his door in the middle of the night because he was, of all things, bored. It was night time--you sleep at night. 

Or other things.

But that, of course, was in an ideal world, where partners lived together and children stayed in their rooms when they were told to. Generally, they didn’t like to assign a night babysitter to A-Fu when they visited each other--they saw him so little as it was and Nie Mingjue would feel too guilty leaving his responsibilities as a father to a relative stranger. He didn’t generally discuss these things with Jin Guangyao, but he knew him well enough to know that he felt the same way. And to know that such interruptions happened between Lan Xichen and him, as well. There had been many a morning when he had come to one of their room’s to greet the pair of them to find a bleary eyed, borderline crabby Jin Guangyao curled around a sprawled out A-Fu as Lan Xichen meditated nearby with a small smile.

“Late night interloper?” he had asked, once--knowingly--when this had happened during a joint visit to Koi Tower.

Jin Guangyao had scrunched up his face and shoved his head under the plush pillow as Lan Xichen had risen, still smiling, to tuck his nose under Nie Mingjue’s jaw and murmur, “There was a cricket in his room. Apparently, this was unacceptable. As was the walk to your room.”

“Long night?”

“He kicks. So much,” came Jin Guangyao’s pillow-muffled voice.

Nie Mingjue had snorted with only a little smugness.

And yet he could still muster a bit of sympathy, even for him, because he knew how it felt to just want a moment with Xichen and all the nice, long, shapely bits of him. 

Like right now. Because night time was supposed to be for ‘quality adult time’ and he would absolutely love to get to actually spend it with his lover during one of the first times he had seen him in 3 months. It had been a long day of playing in the Unclean Realm and snuggling with, and in general enjoying the presence of their beautiful, sweet, rambunctious son. 

But now it was night. And they had put said wonderful son to bed at least 2 and a half hours ago and he was setting about leaving some very nice and artistic marks on the junction of Lan Xichen’s shoulder and neck when the door to his quarters squeaked and he could practically feel his pulse throbbing in his temples. All of that lovely anticipation just up and fell into annoyance as gracelessly as a tree crashing over. At least they were both clothed but really. He bit back a growled curse as Lan Xichen slithered back away from him with a slightly aggrieved grimace, tugging his lapels back into place. “A-Fu, it is time--” Nie Mingjue began to grit out, sitting up and preparing to pick his son up and put him in Huaisang’s room and see how he liked whining then---but stopped. 

A-Fu’s eyes were huge, his crumpled face wet with tears as he hiccuped silently. Quiet crying was always real. “Oh, A-Fu. Come here,” Nie Mingjue immediately dropped his voice down low and quiet and held out his arms as Xichen sat up behind him, his night robes collar already tucked back into proper order. 

The boy darted to the bed and threw himself into his arms, practically knocking the wind out of him. “Nightmare?” Nie Mingjue asked gently into his sleep sweaty scalp and felt him nod frenetically.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Lan Xichen murmured, smoothing what he could reach of A-Fu’s hair around Mingjue’s enveloping embrace. A-Fu shook his head just as violently.

Well, there was nothing for it. Nightmares beat fun every time, no question. “Do you want to stay with us for a while?” 

He gave the tiniest, wobbliest, “Mm-hmm,” and sniffed loudly. They tucked him in between them, snuggled into Nie Mingjue’s chest with Lan Xichen’s arm over the both of them. After they had all settled, Lan Xichen began to hum, quietly, into the moon soaked darkness. Nie Mingjue might not have an ear for music, but he did recognize the habitual soothing that spread through his muscles, his veins and washed over him like warm, sweet water. The Song of Clarity. Almost instantly, he felt A-Fu go completely limp, dropping back into sleep with impressive speed. (If only it were always so.)

Lan Xichen kept humming, combing his fingers slowly through Nie Mingjue’s loose hair, smiling gently at him through the dimness, his eyes black and bright. Leaning forward, Mingjue pressed a chaste kiss to his chin and closed his eyes to listen, letting the vibrations buzz through his lips and the peace of the moment seep through him. This was also quality time.

-BONUS 3ZUN-

It was still new, the three of them together, learning what had changed and what had not after all these years, but Nie Mingjue was more than willing to put the work in to figure it out. Unfortunately, it was months before any of them had a few weeks free for travel that didn't involve politicking and could instead just be a relaxing exploration, an integration of a relearned relationship dynamic. 

And ever the strategist, ever the impeccable planner, Jin Guangyao had scheduled a specific night, set up a sleepover with Jin Ling for A-Fu over with Jiang Yanli and Jin Zixuan, and had prepared everything at Koi Tower. And it had begun oh so well with plenty of enthusiasm and excitement--that is, until the familiar, distant, ever-approaching siren wail that was their child reached them even through the wall not even 5 minutes in. They froze.

“Maybe it’s not him,” A-Yao muttered against Nie Mingjue’s mouth, not moving a muscle.

“Oh, it is,” Xichen sighed with more affection than exasperation as the sound grew even closer and regretfully peeled himself away from A-Yao’s neck, making the man growl in annoyance.

Usually, this was when the irritation might set in for Nie Mingjue as well, but seeing the break from A-Yao’s usual cool collection was actually quite amusing. With a groan, he let his head fall down onto Nie Mingjue’s shoulder with a thump, hands still fastened in Nie Mingjue’s hair as Lan Xichen swiftly slid on one, two, three layers, fastened them deftly and slipped out of the room. “Oh?” Nie Mingjue questioned the growl indulgently and grinned as his head came back up, eyes burning as his mouth locked into a wide, very fake smile.

“I love that boy,” A-Yao said deliberately, through his teeth.

“You do,” Nie Mingjue affirmed, at least trying to hold in his chuckle for courtesy’s sake. “We know.”

“I love that boy,” he repeated, tightening his fingers and shaking Nie Mingjue’s head a little, as if for emphasis, eyes growing wider still. 

Mingjue couldn’t help it; he laughed, even as he tried to placate him. “A-Yao, we have time, we can wait.”

“You would think,” A-Yao agreed fiercely, not-smile not wavering. “But considering the effort it took to get us all into bed together, I would really rather not have to.”

Though he leaned down and nuzzled into the soft hollow beneath his ear, he kept grinning against his neck. “Who knows, maybe he can calm him enough to send him back.”

“When has Er-ge ever sent him back?” A-Yao muttered above his head, voice almost petulant. 

“You usually don’t either.”

“Extenuating circumstances. There was a plan.”

Nie Mingjue chuckled. The wail petered out abruptly as it reached its loudest point, just down the hall, and was replaced by distant, wordless murmuring. The both of them froze again, listening closely to the voices, unable to glean the content of the conversation--2 adults, one of them their Xichen, the other a woman--perhaps Jiang Yanli-- and a small, tearful A-Fu. They waited, Nie Mingjue thoughtfully skimming his mustache over the thin skin over A-Yao’s artery until the other man gave him an irritable tweak on the ear. 

A low, kind question. A sniffly affirmative. A-Yao cursed, quietly and viciously, and practically threw himself off of Nie Mingjue’s lap to collapse on his back onto the bed. Grinning again, Nie Mingjue stood and pulled his under robe back on. “You love that boy,” he reminded over his shoulder as he opened the door to their room. 

“You know what else I love?” was hissed back as the door closed behind him, and Mingjue almost hurt himself stifling his snort. Apparently, he was wrong--only Xichen was in possession of infinite patience, after all.

[blackwoolncrown]

This sounds exactly like what sexist men say to women who try to explain to them why catcalling is bad.

“But this is my natural instinct! Telling me to control that is bad and wrong!” 

Plenty of defensive instincts are natural, that doesn’t mean they’re always right, and that doesn’t mean you should just let your emotions control you. Fear, jealousy, arousal, all of these things are natural, but if you think being told to gain awareness and control over them in situations that show you that they are not always correct or warranted is bad you’re following a flawed logic, because the human ability to do that is in large part what separates us from our wild cousins.

Self discipline and repression are two very very very very different things.

Self discipline is gaining awareness of your actions and emotional state and YOUR role  in being responsible for them. You learn to pause, think, and react mindfully. You learn that gut reactions are not always the correct answer, and that many instinctive reactions may be wrong, and come from perceived insult or fear-- perceived as in YOU think that’s what’s going on, but that may not be objective reality. Self discipline is direct engagement with these instincts and emotions- like how that was a CLASS for people to learn, experience and experiment. No one is being forced to do anything. They are let to experience and question their discomfort, not repress it- that is how they learn where it comes from, and how to see that it’s not necessarily necessary or loving.

Repression is an entirely unhealthy attempt to eliminate unwelcome emotions or desires in a person by ignoring, punishing, and denying them. Repression does NOT  directly engage with the desires or emotions in a healthy manner, and is actually just a form of cognitive dissonance- the emotion or desire is still present, but the person trains themselves to block them out. Individuals that repress themselves often become numb to that area of emotional need as well, because they have trained themselves to ignore it for so long, and this contributes to them having unaddressed needs, unresolved desires or even stunting their personal growth process, and a lack of internal awareness. Repression is NEVER SUCCESSFUL REMOVAL OF THE RESPONSE and over time actually contributes to lower emotional health as well as the person experiencing increased emotional/mental instability around the cause of the response, as well as strong, often shame-driven urges to act out on the desire or emotion often in a subverted way.  Example: passive aggressive sarcasm is suppressed rage. 

If a man finds someone good looking, that is fine. If they have thoughts about them, there’s really nothing anyone can do about that. But if that man thinks that because that person appeals to him, and he desires them, that it’s ‘natural’ for him to express that and ‘repression’ to say that he shouldn’t, he’s a fucking manchild who needs to learn self-discipline. He is still entitled to his sexuality, no one is saying to repress his attraction. But he has to think about how his responses affect others, what they imply and when and where they are appropriate. He is empowered to be an active agent in who he pursues and when, instead of being given license to say his emotions control him and not the other way around, and he is now more mindful of his relationship to others, which actually improves his ability to be seen as desirable to those he is attracted to, because he is mindful and respectful and that’s attractive!

Many people are afraid of snakes, and snakes are scary for a good and instinctive reason. When we lived in the wild, we were pretty susceptible to dying by snake bite.

However, now we know that most snakes pose no threat to humans. While a person may initially find snakes to be ‘creepy’ and fear-inducing, they can choose to learn to accept snakes by going to an exhibit, or approaching a snake handler who can let them pet a safe snake in a learning environment. THe person can now understand for themselves that while snakes did seem scary, there’s no harm in seeing pictures of snakes, of touching pet snakes, or knowing people who have snakes for pets. With what they CHOSE to learn, they can now engage self-discipline when they see images of snakes, and their fear response stops controlling them. They learned that their conditioned reaction wasn’t a direct reflection of reality, and that it was safe to accept snakes as okay-- no one ever asked them to not be cautious around snakes, no one ever said ‘and so it’s now okay to run through long grass and you will never get bit by a snake’ no one said they  had to accept poisonous snakes as safe.

Re-learning intimacy is a lot like that. Y’all have been made to believe, by culture, that any type of intimacy outside of monogamy is inherently wrong, which is not an objective reality. Being open to relearning your reactions to the world is not repression, it’s self-discipline, and those are not the same.

Stop acting like they are.