#no seriously that scene internally traumatized me

[sidecharactersdomatter]

Just a reminder, Triplicate Girl’s White Triad dying in the first episode of LOSH Season 2 Emotionally scarred the heck out of 5th Grader me

[yesimwriting]

pleaseee write smth about that fight between Felix and reader

a/n i've been thinking about this scene for days so when i saw this ask i got so hyped

warnings: reader being AFAB/female is plot relevant (reader's father has always wanted a son), implied emotional/financial parental abuse (not described in too much detail), potentially inaccurate portrayal of early-ish 2000's phones bc i was a toddler during their oxford era, hurt/comfort

we're getting into reader's background!!

itallic texts = from felix, bold texts = from reader

There's a scratch embedded into the dark mahogany. It's small, no wider than something you could make with your finger nail.

"How's your food?"

Your attention shifts towards the ceramic plate that's almost covering the dining table's only blemish. "It's good," you mumble with a slight nod, fork instinctually jabbing at a piece of food without you even looking at it. "Yours?"

"Great," he hums casually, cutting into his steak. "Part of the reason I picked this hotel is because of the restaurant. The visiting chef's a guy that I met in New York when he was looking into financing an international expansion of his franchise."

You bring your utensil to your lips. "That's cool, daddy."

The comment only strengthens the question that's been silently ebbing at your mind since your father first suggested lunch. Why did he order room service instead of taking you to the hotel's restaurant? Your dad has always loved the ambiance, the leisure of sitting in a nice restaurant.

"Is that why you're in town?" You reach for your glass, taking a sip of your drink before continuing. "To finalize something with the chef?"

He sets down his knife. "That and a few other business arrangements that needed to be checked on." He pauses, shoulders relaxing. "And to see you, too, Ace. It feels like it's been awhile since we talked."

Your lips quirk into what's almost a smile. When your father called to let you know that he'd be staying near Oxford for work and that he wanted you to visit, you had been apprehensive at first. Your mother was cautiously supportive of the idea.

Things with your father have been relatively stable recently. He liked the way no university seemed off limits to you with your grades and extracurriculars. He loved the idea of a daughter studying abroad at Oxford (which, is part of the reason you seriously considered Princeton for some time). And he's been drinking less. Part of that whole reborn, second marriage to a late-20-something methodist thing.

"Yeah, dad," you agree, as sincerely as you can manage, "It's been awhile."

"You know I'm friends with one of your deans." He doesn't give you a chance to reply. "We had coffee together, and he told me you're on track to finish in the top 10%." Rumors about the top percentages had been circling around Oxford for the past month. Still, it's relieving to know. "Congratulations, Ace."

This time, your smile meets your eyes. "Thanks."

He smiles, a flash of something practiced and charming. "When I get home, the first thing I'm doing is picking out a gift to send to you."

"If you need time, you can always wait and give it to me over the summer."

The infamous summer. Your mother is going to be spending most of the summer volunteering for an organization that brings counseling to children that have survived traumatic experiences but can't affording therapy. Your father suggested that you stay with him for a little while so that you wouldn't have to spend an entire two months in an empty house.

He stretches an arm like he wants to pick up his fork, but decides against it. "I--I want to tell you something." His tone is softer now, almost hesitant. "But you have to promise not to cry."

You try to swallow around the lump in your throat, body familiar with the command. "Okay?"

"I don't know if this summer's going to work out the way we talked about." He taps his fingers against the surface of the table. Your eyes lock on the scratch marring the wood. "Things have gotten complicated."

"Complicated?"

Your father sighs. "I'm sure you've noticed Christine's not here." You can't bring yourself to react at the mention of your step-mother's name. "She isn't in--she isn't in the best condition to travel." The tapping continues. "Christine's pregnant. She's due in early June, and she isn't having an easy time. I think it'd be best to not do anything that could potentially be stressful."

Oh.

"It's a boy."

Oh. A boy. With his perfect wife, in his perfect penthouse on the Upper East Side. Of course. Of fucking course.

You can't breathe right or thing of the way you're supposed to react. All you can do is stare at the scratch. At the only thing that indicates that anything bad has ever happened to the table.

"You promised you wouldn't cry." The words feel far. "You look too much like your mother when you cry."

That seems to force you back to earth. Any and all reminders of your mother must be eradicated in his presence. "I know. I'm not going to cry." You blink once, hand moving to wipe away tears you refuse to let spill. "Congratulations."

He's quiet for a moment, pressing his lips together, before finally settling on a perfunctory, "Thank you." After a beat of silence, he continues, "Were you planning on staying tonight? I was thinking of flying back early, but I can--"

"Oh, no," you shake your head once, "I actually have a lot of homework, so it's probably better for me to get back."

Your father nods, "Always the academic, Ace." He pushes his seat back. "If you're done eating, I can walk you to the lobby and have my driver take you back."

"Yeah," you push back your own seat and stand, "Sounds good."

The two of you reach the front doors of the suite. "Hey," your father starts, "Why don't you travel this summer? That's all I did during college breaks. I'll pay so you can do it up right. You should go somewhere with a friend. Paris, maybe. You two always had fun as kids."

You nod once, trying to keep your expression neutral. "Yeah, daddy, I'll ask Paris about what she's doing this summer."

"Good." He pauses at the door, reaching into the pocket of his slacks. He pulls out his wallet and counts out a few bills. "Here. A pre-gift." You hesitate. "C'mon, top 10%."

Your mother's voice rings in your ears. He won't change, you might as well take the money. You stretch out a hand, forcing a smile as you take the cash. "Thanks."

----

Stupid. You're so fucking stupid.

You really thought you'd be there all weekend. You really thought Christine would let you into her home for longer than a day or two.

And the pregnancy thing? That--that's going to get back to your mom in one way or another if you don't tell her. And hearing that, hearing that your dad's finally getting his son is going to kill her.

It's all you've been thinking about since you got back yesterday afternoon. After mumbling a halfhearted explanation to your roommate, you changed into some pajama shorts and a giant T-shirt that you only realized was Felix's after the fact and crawled into bed. You've moved as little as possible since.

Something near the foot of your bed buzzes, snapping you back to the present. You flip the phone open, immediately noticing three text notifications. From Felix.

hope ur weekend's going better than mine

lovie

i feel abandoned

Despite your angst, you smile to yourself before sending a response: it's been one day.

After a minute, there's another text on your screen: so it's a crime to miss u. You roll your eyes, fondness pooling in your stomach. how are u doing.

The second question, though sincere, forces you to spiral. You want to be honest. You don't lie to Felix and he doesn't lie to you.

But, everything comes with exceptions, and making sure no one finds out how tense things actually are with your dad is yours. Before you two got close, it felt too private, and once you finally did, a few comments from Felix's friends made you feel like the worst thing you could do for your friendship was let him see any kind of darkness.

It's not that he'd judge you, he'd just want to help you so badly that it'd take over everything else. Farleigh's made it clear that Felix loves a charity case. And you don't want to be that. You won't let your dad take that from you, either.

You want to say that you're fine, maybe text a comment about things being a little awkward because it's no secret that your mom took care of you after the divorce. But lying about being on campus feels like something that could easily morph into something else.

Felix, who actually has enough of a social life to pull sleazy moves like that never has. i'm sick. came home early.

ur back!

why didn't u tell me

i'm sick, can't hang out

are u ok

do u need anything

Guilt prods at you. You've been texting him on and off since yesterday and never mentioned that you came back early. Felix is always so good to you. But, you're in no place to see him. no just need rest

You shut your phone. You're not sure that saying you're sick is enough to keep Felix away all weekend, but it could be enough to keep him away tonight. It's Saturday night. He'll have plans.

And tomorrow, you'll feel better. More stable.

"I have some time before I'm supposed to go to Jake's. I stole some bread from the dining hall." Nadia's offer is gentle. "Do you want to go feed the ducks?"

You wipe at your face. "That's a really nice offer, Nadia, but I'm feeling a little sick. Maybe when you get back?"

She frowns. "Are you sure you're okay?"

"Yeah," you mumble, "I just need some sleep."

"You've been sleeping on and off since yesterday afternoon." Nadia hesitates, eyes darting towards the bathroom. She does need to start getting ready for her date. "Maybe you can call Felix later? It's Saturday night, you know there's some terribly exclusive, not meant for any of us ordinaries party he's dying to take you to."

The attempt at humor is enough to get you to roll onto your side. "Since when do you like Felix?"

To be fair, Nadia's never disliked Felix. Before you became friends with him, she had a bit of a crush on him in that way that all freshmen girls at Oxford do. After you started hanging out with him all the time, that crush turned into an awareness that fueled her worry. She's always implied her concern that he'd eventually hurt you.

"I've never not liked him," she mumbles, "I was just scared he'd break your heart, but, the last couple of times he's come over...something about the way he looks at you."

"So you finally accepted we're just friends?"

She walks towards the bathroom, "Didn't say that."

You roll your eyes, letting yourself rest on your back. You shut your eyes, trying to force out any thoughts of the outside world as you drift off.

The familiar creek of the hinges of your room's door pulls you back to reality slowly.

"Took you long enough." Nadia's voice. "All she does is sleep and mope. She didn't even want to go feed the ducks today."

"She loves feeding the ducks." Another familiar, much more moving voice. You manage to move, wiping at your eyes as you sit up.

"I know!"

You finally sit up, blinking your eyes as your vision adjusts. Felix. He's standing in near the foot of your bed. "Felix--I-I told you I'm fine. Just a little sick."

"Nadia called and told me the opposite."

You turn your head to glare at you roommate, who doesn't even have the decency to look ashamed. "You stole my phone and called him?"

"I had to," she defends. "All you do is sleep and cry, and you've been like this since you came back yesterday."

Felix's expression drops as soon as the final word comes out. Your eyes widen, head shaking as subtly as possible as if a too late warning will erase the sentence from existence.

"Wait," his voice is softer than you've ever heard it, "You've been back since yesterday and you didn't tell me?"

You swallow, unable to look away from Felix.

"I--I have to go." Nadia's announcement breaks through the stiff silence. "I'll be back sometime tomorrow, so um..." She turns away, swinging an overnight bag over her shoulder before disappearing out the door. You can't blame her for running out as soon as possible.

"Felix," your voice is low, gravely, "Darling."

"Don't." His eyebrows pinch together, sadness tinging his expression. It doesn't fit him. "Why--why wouldn't you tell me you were here?"

You sit up a little straighter, wiping at your eyes with the back of your palm. "I told you I'm sick. I'm not up for anything right now."

Felix is still watching you with that kicked puppy look. "That doesn't--" He cuts himself off with a sigh. "You know I don't care if you don't want to do anything. We can--we can just sit or-or talk, or read or--do nothing." Felix presses his lips together, "I thought you knew that."

You know he's right, and that makes it harder to look at him. Felix would have been a sweetheart about it. He would have let you mope, cry even, and he would've spent the entire time holding you. It should have been easy to tell Felix, instinctual...and yet...

Your eyes briefly shut. "I do." The admission's painful to get out. Some of your hesitation was over the way Felix reacts to tragedy, but the rest is something more personal. Telling Felix would have solidified it. Would have made that label of 'abandoned child' that you've always been so wary about permanent. "It's more than that."

"Then what is it?"

Sighing, you push yourself to the edge of your bed. "My head hurts, I need a Tylenol."

Your words and movements are drowsy as you push yourself to stand. Felix takes a partial step forward before forcing himself to freeze into place. It's hard not to help you.

"Then what is it?"

You push open the bathroom door. "I don't--I don't know." It's a weak attempt at dismissing the conversation before things go to a place that you can't handle right now. "I couldn't get the words out." Still can't.

You find the pill bottle you were looking for on the bathroom counter and start working at twisting off the childproof cap. "We tell each other everything eventually." His voice is dry, almost hesitant. "At least, I do. We trust each other."

Your eyes shut as you sigh, fingers briefly releasing the top of the bottle. "Maybe that's not trust. Maybe that's your life being so perfect there's nothing you need to keep secret."

The words come out in a rush, angry and sharp. Regret floods through you instantly. "I'm sorry."

"No." The syllable is hard. "No. You're not. Don't do that. Don't--don't start saying what you think I need to hear--or keeping in what you think I don't." There's a concerned anger there, an unfitting combination that you don't have the energy to decode. "What could be so bad you can't tell me? We know about Ollie's parents and that didn't change anything, did it?"

Actually, things did change a little. Oliver's broken home life seemed to only make Felix want to pull Oliver into his world even more. You hate thinking it, because it's insensitive and a little mean, but of course Oliver was willing to give Felix all the gritty details.

After the initial implications came out, Felix devoured them with the same silver spoon that was placed in his mouth at birth. In a way, Felix's desire to fix and ease pain brought them closer together. And it probably means more to Oliver coming from Felix than anyone else.

But your relationship with Felix is different. You don't want sadness and coddling to be what makes you feel certain in your bond with Felix. You want things to stay the same. You don't want to give your dad anyway to change one of the most important connections in your life.

"You have a big heart, Felix, and I love that about you." Your hand reaches for the Tylenol again. "But I don't want you helping me to become all that I am to you. I don't want to be a charity case." You squeeze your eyes shut, cringing at your wording. "And--and I'm not trying to say that Ollie's just a charity case, it's that--some stuff Farleigh's said and--" Tears are pricking the edge of your vision.

"You're more than that," he scoffs the words out like it's ridiculous he even has to say that, "Of course you're more than that, I thought you knew." He scoffs. "I--I don't just wait around for people."

You scoff, the sound almost a bitter laugh. "Oh--so now it's not about trust, it's about your ego. That I don't just sit around next to my phone, waiting for the Felix Catton to call me."

Felix takes a step forward, "It's not about that!" You raise your eyebrows, uncertainty leaving you frozen. Felix has never yelled at you before. "...It's not about that," he repeats, voice a more acceptable volume. He takes another step forward, his fingers finding your forearm. "You know how I meant it."

There's a tension in the way he's touching your arm. It's nothing harsh, if anything it's almost too soft. Hesitant. He's watching you with an intensity that pins you into place more than his actual hold.

You wouldn't be surprised by his anger, you're not even sure you'd be able to blame him for it, but that's not what you see when you look at him. You can't exactly read the look behind his eyes, but something about it reminds you of Nadia's earlier comment.

It's heavy. Too heavy for you to think about tonight. That's how Felix is. He's intense. All consuming. When all you do is blink at him, he lets go of your arm.

"Felix."

His eyes dart towards the ground, body angling itself away from you.

It's subtle, and not a direct dismissal, but after everything that's already happened, it's enough to serve as a final nail hammered into your chest. "I don't want things to change between us." You sigh, finally getting the pill bottle's lid to pop off. "Because I'm fine."

You force a smile, but there's a tightness to your features that makes it feel like a grimace. "It's not a big deal. So my dad asked me not to come home this summer, because his wife's pregnant and he doesn't want to 'stress her out'. I'm fine." You can feel the tears welling in your eyes. "Y'know it's a b-oy." Your voice cracks on the last word, a laugh or maybe a sob interrupting the single syllable. "So um...good for him, he's finally getting his son."

Felix is watching you cautiously, expression not quite sympathetic, but not relaxed either. "Oh my god, I have to tell my mom. And it--it's going to kill her." You gasp the words like the realization's just hit you, even though it's been on your mind since the beginning. "I don't know why I said that like I'm surprised--because I--" You laugh, the sound shrill and uneasy, "But it's whatever. I'm fine."

You nod once, as if that'll be enough to make you feel fine. Another sound comes out, this one a lot closer to a whimper. "I'm fine. I don't know why I'm being so dramatic. I'm fine. I'm--" You squeeze your arms around your waist, supporting yourself the way Felix usually would.

You're crying openly now, tears blinding you. This is pathetic. You need to get it together.

You're pulled forward with no warning, your body hitting something solid and warm. Felix.

His arms around you, firm and supportive. It's surprising enough to force a full breath of air into your lungs. For a moment, all there is Felix. You inhale again, and again, doing your best to hold the air in your lungs.

Felix's hand smooths circles against your back. He whispers soothing words that you can barely make out. Between that and the even rhythm of his heart, you manage to ground yourself.

"You don't have to be nice to me right now," you mumble into his shirt. "I was really mean to you."

He continues to trace patterns against your spine. "We don't have to talk about that right now."

"I know," you whisper, "I just--I don't want you to feel like you can't be mad at me."

He gently smooths your hair away from your face. "Can I be mad from right here?"

"Yeah." You sniffle once, letting your chin press into his chest so that you can look up at him. "If you want to."

"Then okay," he mumbles, knuckles running up and down the length of your spine, "I'll be mad from right here."

----

taglist; @vader-is-hot @spiritofbuddha @getosangie @freyafriggafrey @ilovehyperfixating @aryiannarae @willowpains @ker0senebunny

[writingquestionsanswered]

Finding Details to Go with a Basic Plot

Anonymous asked: Do you have any posts or new tips on creating the "fill" in stories?

I want to start here, because it's super important that we don't think of anything in stories as "fill" or "filler" because that implies it's "empty calories" there to take up unfilled space, and we never want to do that in stories. In stories, every scene--every event and moment--needs to be in service of the plot, characters, or world.

For example, I get an idea for a novel, like forbidden romance. My problem lies in figuring out other details, specifically in figuring out what would work for the plot (and what doesn't really matter). What would their jobs be? How can they meet? What interests/hobbies do they have? If someone has trauma, what was the traumatic event? My brain automatically looks for the links between everything, so it's hard to find a point of attack. I feel like everything has to interconnect to make sense - things can't be random or "because I say so." So when I have more of a plot idea rather than story, what approaches do you recommend?

If you have a general plot idea (like forbidden love) but you don't know how to flesh it out, it's probably because you haven't yet mastered an understanding of how stories generally work.

Stories are either character-driven, plot-driven, or a combination of both. Character-driven stories center around internal conflict, meaning a conflict within the protagonist's heart and mind. Plot-driven stories center around external conflict, meaning a problem in the protagonist's world. Stories that are both character-driven and plot-driven are centered around an external conflict while also exploring the protagonist's internal conflict. (And often that of the other main characters.) Plot Driven vs Character Driven Stories

Your protagonist's goal is always to resolve the conflict. In a character-driven story, that may not always be straightforward. Sometimes characters don't really understand their internal problem and so they sort of fumble their way through potential solutions as they try to fix whatever isn't quite right in them. In a plot-driven story, the resolution of the problem (the goal) is usually straight forward... take the ring to Mordor, survive the Hunger Games, pull off a heist to steal back the stolen art piece. Your character's pursuit of the goal, and the overcoming of obstacles placed in their path by the antagonistic force, is what makes up the action of the story. Then they finally face off against the antagonistic force in the climax, solving the problem once and for all. Understanding Goals and Conflict, How to Move a Story Forward, Basic Story Structure.

Here are some other posts that should help:

Guide: Filling in the Story Between Known Events Guide: How to Outline a Plot Beginning a New Story Finding a Story in Characters and Setting Finding a Plot to Go with Characters/Setting Turning a Barrage of Ideas into a Plot How to Turn Ideas into a Story

I hope that helps you start to pull your story into focus!

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

I’ve been writing seriously for over 30 years and love to share what I’ve learned. Have a writing question? My inbox is always open!

Learn more about WQA

See my ask policies

Visit my Master List of Top Posts

Go to ko-fi.com/wqa to buy me coffee or see my commissions

[makethosenarratorsfight]

UNRELIABLE NARRATORS; SIDE C

*NOTE; tie sweeps require a 50/50 with a 0.2 margin. additionally, the extra propaganda is at the very bottom, with it being kinda funky

Harrowhark Propaganda:

She gave herself a lobotomy and gives completely incorrect flashbacks to the previous book. Things that straight up did not happen. Gaslight gatekeep girlboss.

She’s schizophrenic (confirmed by the author) and also lives in a world with necromancy and ghostly revenants. She’s not just an unreliable narrator for readers, she’s an unreliable narrator of her own internal experience. She knows this and has to work with people around her to compensate for it. Descent into spoilerville below. Seriously Do Not Read if you want to read these books. There’s also the little matter about how she is *not actually the narrator* of a huge chunk of the story that we are initially led to believe is being told from her perspective.

(Spoilers) Holy shit she is THE most unreliable narrator. This gremlin gave herself a lobotomy so that she could forget about Gideon Nav, the most important person in her life (for magic soul-preserving reasons) so half of the second book in the series is spent gaslighting the reader about a book they just read. She comes up with an entire alternate version of the events of the first book in the series to carefully exclude any mentions of Gideon, and any time someone says ‘Gideon’ in front of her she LITERALLY has a stroke and/or an intercranial hemorrhage as her brain overwrites the word with someone else’s name. God occasionally intentionally triggers her memory revision to get out of difficult conversations. She also hallucinates ALL the time (unrelated to the lobotomy). She shows up at her frenemy’s room in the middle of the night (think little kid stumbling to their parents’ room and saying “I frew up”) to ask her to come check underneath her bed for the corpse that’s been wandering the space station. When frenemy checks underneath the bed, frenemy claims not to see anything, and Harrow is such an unbelievably unreliable narrator that it’s an open question in the fandom as to whether frenemy genuinely didn’t see the corpse or if frenemy was just yanking Harrow’s chain. Harrow is also haunted by a literal ghost that fucks up her already fucked up alternate history. Girlie will pick up a piece of paper and read from it the most violent and haunting piece of prose ever composed, when in reality all that’s written on the paper is the elementary school Superman S*. I am NOT joking that is a real goddamn scene. Harrow was created to win this poll. TLDR; she has brain damage and memory loss, she hallucinates, and is also haunted. * https://twitter.com/vestenet/status/1301012651145859072

Girl is so unreliable, she unreliably tells me events I was there for!!! She's retelling the previous book and I'm like "girlie, this is absolutely not how it happened". Also, she gave herself a DIY lobotomy, it has to impact your memory center I guess

She literally had a lobotomy, how can she be reliable

Gideon Nav Propaganda:

(Spoilers for Ht9) She just. Fully ignores most of the magic plot happening around her in the first boom to be a dyke. In the second book it’s even less reliable and it’s fully fucking insane. It’s first person but she’s telling YOU (harrow) what is happening and it’s impossible to decipher. The appearance and personality of every character is fully morphed by Gideon’s mean dykishness.

MASSIVE spoilers. Like even mentioning that this is a thing is a huge fucking spoiler. I normally don’t care about spoilers that much but I legitimately feel awful for anyone with even a passing interest in reading these books who has this spoiled for them. Anyway. Yeah turns out the second-person narration is actually a first-person narration by the dead girl living in Harrow’s head whose death traumatized Harrow (and the entire fandom) so badly that she literally lobotomized herself to forget it and give Gideon a chance at not having her soul digested.

constantly adds her own commentary, does not pay attention to the interesting moving parts of the plot bc she's too busy looking at pretty girls, cannot be trusted to read her own intentions correctly never mind anyone else's. I love her dearly

she just doesn’t notice or doesn’t give a shit about a ton of plot-essential information. Harrow and Palamedes are talking about a necromantic theorem that would blow open the entire story if we could hear them? You can instantly feel Gideon’s eyes glaze over and her mind wander to the nearest available hot girl, and our attention goes with her. It’s handled so smoothly that you might not even notice it happening until a second or third read.

More Propaganda under cut!

Harrowhark:

Harrowhark is simply the unreliable narrator of all time. Can’t remember shit because of a lifetime of trauma? Check. Maybe lying to yourself and those around you a bit? Most definitely. Being gaslit by the survivors you depend on to orient you to reality? For sure. How about a little bit of canon schizophrenia? She’s got it all. Ghosts? Or something? Spirits that are attached in some way to your body and are not perceivable by others? Sure, sure! But how about spirits that are attached in some way to your body and are gonna use you to hijack others’ bodies and maybe kill God, too? Absolutely. Wee bit of DIY brain surgery? If it would make you an unreliable narrator, friends, then Harrowhark Nonagesimus has been there, been subjected to that!

Okay I don't know that much about this series since I haven't convinced myself to read all of the first book, but this is my blorbo in law so I'd feel bad not spreading propaganda (all of what I'm saying is something I've read, as to prevent myself from straight up submitting misinformation). So all of Harrow's unreliable narration takes place in the second book, Harrow the Ninth. Basically, without her even seemingto acknowledge it, Harrow's brain is very fucked up during this book, to the point where even she's not sure how reliable her narrative is. There's many questions left unclear as a result of her fucked up little brain, like what's real, what's fake, whether we can trust her judgement, whether even she can trust her own judgement, whether her original cavalier is dead or not (Harrow is convinced she is), etc. Let me tell you, I adore unreliable narrators who aren't even that sure if they're reliable. I have yet to eat that trope up here in this circumstance, but this poll might not run again by the time I do, so for now, here's my messed up blorbo in law.

OKAY SO REMEMBER MY GIDEON SUBMISSION? HARROW DOESN’T! SPOILERS AHEAD BECAUSE SHE LOBOTOMIZED HERSELF TO FORGET GIDEON BECAUSE THAT’S A HEALTHY WAY TO GRIEVE AND THEN IN THE ONLY PARTS OF HER BOOK THAT SHE NARRATES (THE REVISED CANAAN HOUSE PARTS) IT’S LITERALLY A ROOM FULL OF GHOSTS HER BRAIN SUMMONED TO DEAL WITH THE FACT THAT SHE CUT HER BRAIN IN HALF TO FORGET GIDEON. she also is a) haunted and b) psychotic, experiencing hallucinations her entire life of both the ghosts haunting her and less supernatural hallucinations- bells tolling, bones rattling, her parents (some of the only dead people NOT haunting her), etc! in the revised history of canaan house that her brainghosts invent, she brings along someone who knows about her psychosis to help reality check her when she tells him go! her caregiver as a child and support when she got older, crux, is a horrible man- but at one point, when someone other than harrow is in harrow’s body and tells him “i am not harrowhark, i am sorry,” his response is simply “aye, you’ve said that before too. who are you then, if not my lady harrowhark?” showing his familiarity with her psychosis and his love for the child he wouldn’t dare see as a daughter. but enough about that lets talk about her unreliable narration! she lies about her feelings of course but she also simply hides the truth from everyone, all the time, compulsively. also literally the entire section of her book that she narrates is a lie she’s telling US about a lie she’s telling HERSELF and no one understands even a little bit of the truth until like the last act of the book. queen.

Gideon Nav:

Gideon Nav is all but useless as a narrator, and we love her for it. So first of all, she knows absolutely nothing. She grew up under a rock. Almost literally. When the plot is happening near her, she almost never tells us about it. Politics, history, and the magic system are boring. Let her know when there's something she can FIGHT. She also has very selective emphasis and focus that can change a scene completely without ever actually lying. She can tell the same story—to us, in her third-person narration as a factual recounting—and in one version the incident will be a schoolyard scuffle, while a later telling will reveal it to have been a near-homicide. She'll confidently interpret other character's motivations and emotions, only to later be proven wrong. But the thing that makes her REALLY unreliable? She lies to HERSELF constantly. She will tell us in her narration that she doesn't give a shit where someone disappeared to, and then spend the whole day searching for them. She'll say she hates someone, when. Well....

okay so i am actually going to do one segment about her own book and one about harrow’s so many apologies and also many spoilers ahead okay? okay so in gideon the ninth it’s a well known thing that she’s an unreliable narrator on two fronts: she lies to herself and therefore us about how she’s feeling and what she’s thinking, and also she isn’t paying attention to the plot at all. the only things she pays any attention to are hot girls, swords, and hot girls with swords. at one point she watches their only way out be sealed off and is so bored about it that she goes to sleep watching it happen, taking absolutely no note of “oh hey they’re trapping us here”. later someone asks IN FRONT OF HER “hey where did all our shuttles go” and shes like “😌😌😌😌😌😌😌😌😌” and still does not make the connection. babygirl. but THEN!!!!! in HARROW the ninth (MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD) gideon is the narrator the ENTIRE TIME (except for the revised canaan house parts) and not only does she editorialize, she also straight up lies about events and motivations! partially justified by her being inside harrow’s head, but like. babygirl. beloved. the interjections of “holy fuck” and “pommel” and othersuch things is so important to my mental health and wellbeing. thank you. thank you for lying to us so so much.

[greenerteacups]

Thoughts on sydcarmy? (figured i’d ask since you mentioned the bear in one of your asks.)

[normal person voice] THOUGHTS ON SYDCARMY? YEAH I GOT A FEW

To start from the beginning, I've been watching the Bear IRL as it airs, so I've been through all the hiatuses between seasons. And in season 1, I was the conductor of this ship. I was on the train basically from the minute they have that first bit of cooking synchrony in like episode 2 and my obsession with the coworkers-to-lovers trope perked its nose up, but I was promoted to captain when I saw the scene at the end where he grounds himself through a panic attack by thinking about her. Which — hey, by the way, sidebar? Directed to the writers of The Bear? I'm totally on board with the 'let's have more platonic bonds between men and women' stuff, I get why you like that story and want to write it, and seriously, platonic sydcarm, that's cool. That's awesome. But also: visualizing someone's face to anchor you through a panic attack — while in real life not at all inconsistent with platonic friendship — is an extremely loaded scene to drop in the middle of a narrative where the two characters in question have demonstrable chemistry and an intense but ill-defined bond, and your audience, which has been trained to close-read male-female relationships for signs of romantic interest, is going to read that scene as romantically intimate, if not sexual in nature. And they're not, like, ship-obsessed or whatever for thinking that. The visual language of your product does not exist outside of the cultural lexicon where it is being presented, regardless of your intentions. Anyway. [Sidebar over.]

Season 2, and especially the introduction of Claire, seemed to me like a Doylist way to address the SydCarmy train. The upshot to this is they do use this to talk about Sydney and Carmy being Weirdly Intimate Business Partners, and you get a lot of references to Sydney's jealousy, her disgruntlement with Claire, and Carmy's struggle to fuse the two worlds. The downside is that Sydney and Carmy no longer feel like the epic power chord at the center of the show, because Carmy's been shifted into this internal battle between Claire (who in many ways represents being Out of the industry) and Sydney (who, whatever else you can say about her, is very much In). And unfortunately for Claire, Sydney is just way better written. Like, I really did try to be fair to Claire, but it's not even close — and man, I didn't even feel like the writers were trying. Claire and Carmy's crush on Claire are introduced to the audience at the same time, and from there, she has zero scenes without Carm being either present or the subject of conversation. And like, that's so weird, on a show where almost everyone is rich and well-developed, and even the extended family in Fishes get little nods to their internal life. And I — I'm rambling. Point being, I think Season 2 took the wind out of SydCarmy's sails by making their dynamic antagonistic and strained by Carmy's obvious romantic interest in someone else, so I went into S3 with guarded optimism.

And then, like... okay. I'm a Sydney fan before I'm a SydCarmy fan, right? That man's cute and all, but she's the protagonist of this show for me. And at this point, I really do think the best thing for Syd is to get out of Carmy's orbit and go do her own thing. I don't believe in people being "too traumatized" for relationships to work, so I think a lot of the people blowing off Carmy as being "not ready" for love this season are full of hot air — but I do believe that Carmy's trauma is specifically impairing his ability to empathize with and care for Sydney, a fellow restauranteur and subordinate chef/protege, in a way that would make any iteration of their relationship satisfying to me. Getting him to that point would require the writers to dedicate a lot of storytelling and character development in a creative direction that they don't seem to be interested in. They are clearly interested in other things — worthy things! Cool things! Things that can make for a good plot! — but at this point, I was only interested in a version of SydCarmy that existed for about five minutes in the first 1/3 of the show, and it's time for me to face the music. I'm really excited to see where they take Sydney, though. I still trust the writers to do her justice, because they clearly know what a rare thing they have in her.

[lokiinmediasideblog]

One thing I've noticed abt Marvel iterations of Loki is that he has a toxic masculinity problem, but it's only when he's on the evil side of the scale. There are good guy characters who have toxic masculinity because the writers don't see it for what it is or they intend it to be a deliberate flaw in an otherwise good person, but with Loki his ability to respect women seem to be aligned with his general sense of morality. He calls Black Widow a gendered slur and underestimates her for being an emotional woman, but when he's abducted by TVA and has his redemption through watching a video he never disrespects women again and treats Sylvie decently even when she's openly antagonistic toward him. Same with the comics. Old Loki used to treat women like complete garbage, but his reincarnation made him suddenly drink respect women juice even toward ladies who are antagonistic to him or treat him unfairly, like the AllMother, whose authority he respects even while they openly blackmail him. I think it's interesting to see how Loki's dynamics with women are a measure of his current character.

On comics!Loki pre-reincarnation:

There's also the shift that he has more allies/acquaintances who are women now.

Before he had more women as acquaintances/allies, there was pretty much just Amora and Lorelei to a lesser extent. Him and Amora have an interesting dynamic in that he was the only man in Asgard on whom her wiles and enchantments didn't work (in the disparaging "not man enough" typical bs of earlier Marvel).

To me, Loki gave internalized repressed/closeted vibes back then. And Thor is an ideal that he can't reach and is constantly defeated by (And it's why I extremely dislike "Asgard is a socially progressive utopia and not a very toxic patriarchy" retcons). Asgard's cyclical nature is a metaphor for generational divides and cycles of abuse.

I (personally) interpret Loki's reincarnation as a last-ditch effort to escape his oppressive environment and Loki has to constantly fight an uphill battle to not get dragged back into it because everyone's trying to put him back in his former role or box. And as Ikol, they've managed to discover more about themselves, become a better person, and are doing somewhat better (still very traumatized tho).

On MCU!Loki:

I think it's a mix of Loki being the dark horse of the MCU (can't have the such a popular character saying those terrible things), Loki playing up his villain role to be taken more seriously, and things that were ok to show in 2012 are not okay anymore (and I remember a lot of criticism for that scene back then while a lot of people laughed about getting that past censors).

For example, Peter Parker is casually homophobic in the Sam Raimi movies. Tony Stark makes transphobic jokes in Iron Man (And that movie is an example of islamophobic white saviorism). And queue my annoyance with early 2010s badly written think-piece's fixation on Loki as a "character you should not like. you impressionable teen girl! you're going to get into abusive relationships!" when those exist...

Seriously, I'd be significantly less of a Loki fandom-wanker if it weren't for my exposure to the beginnings of "liking evil characters leads to DV irl" 2010s thinking in fandom and its over-focus on Loki.

Past the Doylist explanations, Loki's instances of toxic masculinity could be characterized as Loki playing up his villainy to seem more threatening. The two instances, he is trying to get a rise out of his opponent (e.g. Threatening to harm Jane to get Thor to fight him, calling Natasha a mewling quim). Outside his short villain career, he doesn't have such incidents (and I was surprised to see that he risked his life for Jane in T:TDW ).

[merge-conflict]

year in review

2023 is on its way out, and it's been... a year. First full year that I've actually been active on social media (i.e. not just lurking), and first time in fandom.

My first fic of the year? when her edges soften – the longer I wrote for Valentine and the more her relationship with Johnny got weird and intimate and full of casual innuendo the more I needed to write something where they were reunited. Also my first ever experience writing smut and self-indulgently adding a whole fencing scene. Goddamn that was fun! Feels like it's older than a year.

My favorite fic of the year? thread-safe – I became engrossed with cyberpunk because of Jackie but I imprinted hard on Takemura after that traumatic heist mission and perhaps the rest is history. Valentine's story has had a lot of tinkering and reworking and it was the thing that got me back into writing, but the original story in my head was something bittersweet and angry and grieving, one night only no encores, parting badly– and I finally was able to capture that in thread-safe and it feels so good.

Most fun experiments?? There are several of these. When I got stuck and discouraged and tired of working on the longfic and plotting things out I ended up working out a "shenanigans au" (fleeting fits of reason) where I could put Johnny and Kerry and V (and Alt and Rogue it turns out) together and just have them interact without plot. Well the plot crept in, but writing some loosely connected 1-1.5k pieces focused on a single scene or idea with minimal polish was incredibly freeing. Then I recorded some of my own podfic! I wrote a chapter of thread-safe in second-person! I wrote imago and decided to incorporate pieces of it into my longfic. Playing around like this has really kept writing fun for me when I don't have the concentration to play the long game.

Additional musings and personal reflections under the cut:

2023 the year sucked ass. It has been god awful. Just the fucking worst! Cyberhanami was in February? March? I remember finishing up some of my prompts that week while I was in another state with friends who were out and about while I was in bed too nauseated and weak to move. Writing was the only thing keeping me from going insane. My health has been shoddy, I had to cancel a much anticipated two weeks of international travel, spent at least two week long periods this year with anxiety so intense it made me almost physically incapable of eating. I had an incredibly expensive panic attack, and the world... things have been better!

I find it difficult to be honest about that sort of thing– my primary instinct is Not To Talk About any of that shit, because well... it's personal! And I handle reassurance about as well as I handle compliments (awkwardly. half in panic. friendly self-deprecation). But it feels disingenuous to celebrate accomplishments without acknowledging the yawning abyss we all struggle with from time to time. I remain cynically optimistic, as always, and I'm seriously grateful for all the connections and shared art and braincells and excitable messages, especially from folks tolerating my tendency to ramble onto tangents and use an oddly formal tone. I don't know what I'm doing, but who does? It comes easier with practice. It has to, right?

See you cool cats in 2024. :3 😼

[nicosraf]

I do have to ask. What was the thought process behind the orgy scene? Was there some kind of symbolism there that I simply missed? I feel like there is a maybe I'm just not looking deeply enough.

I understand that Baal liked Lucifer and was jealous of Micheal, that's very clear by his little internal monologue but I think there's something more that I'm missing.

I don't mean to bother you with all my stupid little questions. My hyperfixation is this rn and I'm tryna study it and over analyze the hell out of it because autism is super sick and fun👍but seriously, I love it so much and I'm trying to understand as much as possible so I can make my book as great as it can be.

At this point I'll have to put you in the dedication or give special thanks to you at the end of the book

Ohoho I'm kind of embarrassed to answer this because I'm actually sorta shy about the meaning of sex/sensuality/eroticism in the book so my answer will be a bit curt but!! CW: SA, selfharm, spoilers

I can go on and on about the queer coding that demons and fallen angels have always had, but some scholars have also literally described the behavior of sinning, falling together, and worshiping Lucifer to be "orgiastic". Generally, orgies among demons or in hell have been mentioned in passing in literature, poetry, and etc., forever. The orgy scene was actually one of the first scenes I came up with, since this has somewhat always been implied in so many texts, and I decided "alright, let's make it happen then !!!"

Thematically/in-story, there's a lot to that scene also (which you might be able to gather from Lucifer's confusing internal monolgue). A part of it is Lucifer's struggle to regain control of his body, another part is Lucifer's anger at Michael (a whole other complicated topic), but maybe the biggest is Lucifer's hatred of himself. Lucifer is deeply traumatized and lashing out and fantasizing of hurting himself — more precisely, he's imagining sexually assaulting his younger self (his more innocent self; Lucifer is also exaggerating his youthful innocence, but of course he is, because that's trauma for you), thereby taking on the role of God. Or a more benevolent God, not because his actions are any different, but because he's hurting himself, rather than others:

'...youll be happy it was me who did it. it’s better if it’s you. tending this garden and sniping the weeds and deflowering it. it is better like this. you will thank me. it is better like this than how it was. you’ll say you love me...’

It's worth noting that Lucifer wouldn't understand sex the way we/humans might. And what Lucifer might've understood as an act of love (the Interlude!!!) is turned into a dirty act of dominion. Lucifer wants to hurt himself, but he's also trying to turn it around and use sexuality as a tool of control (like God has done to him). And he wields it to bring Baal and the other angels to his side.

Notably, God "leaves" after the orgy, before the war and violence has even started.

[sevenciircles]

thoughts, praises, and critiques under the cut y'all! overall, it was't truth seekers (my favorite and what i consider one of the best) but it wasn't cherubs (the worst imo). it's decent, which is fine. perfectly average. this is all my opinion, take it with a grain of salt.

Let's start with the things I liked!

The very first thing that stood out to me was the ending scene. Not with Stolas and the phone, I'm talking the one with Blitzo. The shock in his eyes and voice when he realized that Stolas was not some untouchable being was good. That may just be good voice acting tainting my thoughts, but I do like the fact that it was acknowledged by Blitzo.

Whenever Striker was choking Moxxie, I actually kind of liked when he said 'harder'. It wouldn't have been the same if it came from Blitzo or someone, but since Moxxie said it, that made it a bit funnier.

I liked Striker's reactions to the comments rather than the comments themselves. He seemed traumatized and and just done with Stolas and his mouth. It was kinda entertaining to see him just being offended.

I liked Stolas not taking shit seriously until Via was brought up. I didn't like the fact that he was just making dirty jokes, but I did like that he wasn't scared or whatever.

I liked that we were shown how imps are treated by other demons. It just reinforces the heiarchy in Hell and how prejudice is everywhere.

I personally liked the random imps following Striker and singing the ballad, and the fact that it seemed to happen repeatedly. Idk I just liked it.

And I liked how it was established that Wrath IS IN FACT a poor ring.

Overall, this episode was for Stolas fans and it was obvious.

Now it's time for... the rest

I didn't even see the fact that the statue had a dick? I guess I wasn't looking at that. But knowing that, it's pretty ugh.

The Loona plot was useless. It established that Blitzo cares about his daughter first and foremost, but that was it. It was just pointless otherwise. Could have gone a deeper route rather than just 'fear of shots'.

Stella and Millie were both sidelined. They were robbed. Stella could have been way more calculating instead of just laughing and being an idiot. It took Andre having to explain things to her, and it just seems that Stella has become dumber. There are no real stakes with her, the big bad seems to be Andre now. I have issues with us getting a decent female villain and then having her turn into an idiot for the plot and for Andre to shine.

Now onto Millie.

She had less focus than Moxxie and Blitzo, somehow even in a Stolas focused episode, Moxxie and Blitzo were showcased rather than Loona and Millie. I liked that they made Millie and Moxxie working together, but I would have loved Millie having one on one time with Striker like Moxxie had. She was taken out early, and she didn't get her little take that moment like Moxxie had.

It felt a little disjointed.

now for my BIGGEST beef.

This is fully just my opinion. It isn't my show, I understand that. But I think a much more impactful moral would be Stolas and Striker beginning the process of not underestimating the 'littler' imps.

I would have LOVED for Striker to have a moment where he realizes he's in deep shit where Millie and Moxxie (so called vermin and not even worth killing) were beating his ass. Would have loved to see his disbelief.

I also would have loved Stolas seeing Millie and Moxxie kicking ass and realizing that they are just as capable as protecting and rescuing as Blitzo. He could have realized that his behavior towards them was condescending, and began an introspective about how he was raised.

Like Stolas getting over his internal biases would have been a great thing. Acknowledging M&Ms skills would have gone a long way. Or at least a thank you.

Stolas M&M as more than Blitzo's sidekicks or employees would have just been a pretty strong message. He WAS taken out by an imp and his life was put in danger by one and he WAS rescued by imps.

Once again, the episode was a solid meh. There were things I liked, things I disliked, things I would have done better, but that's all I can really say.

[justhereforthepies]

Just wanna thank the people in this tag for reminding me that sane people exist.

I guess you can't expect better when the premises of the book are diametrically opposed to one another. Of course, SJM can't square a circle.

- morally flawed complex aggressive protagonist AND selfless good 'pure' victim protagonist

- fair, moral leader who believes in equality & justice AND all-powerful autocrat

- rich city with amazing artistic culture, delicious food with international spices, and expensive fabrics & gems aplenty AND secret isolationist protectionist nationalist fortress city

- war as an evil, harmful reality that changes everyone's lives for the worse AND sexy, cinematic battle scenes where hundreds are vaporized, have their souls consumed, and are drowned by the protagonist's team (whose core members are personally immune to death)

- people are morally complicated, we should acknowledge that everyone has mistakes & regrets AND some people are 100% evil with no redeeming value

- intimate parter abuse includes isolating, controlling, aggressive, and jealous behaviour AND a love interest who does all of the former

It's difficult to address the first truths when you are writing in a genre (mass market fantasy adventure romance) whose narrative conventions typically rely on the second.

So SJM has the narrators say espouse the truths while the plot and characters act according to convention. She keeps the actual characterization and world building incredibly stereotypical, so much that her descriptions of people and nations become repetitive.

But people love repetition in storytelling, that's why tropes are a thing. So even when these thin caricatures are portrayed as completely different people from book to book, and from narration to action - they still act as readers expect them to because their actions are stereotyped so strongly in each scene. Some of the highest ranked (by kudos, comments, hits) fan fics on A03 could easily 'find & replace' character names to adapt them to almost any fandom with almost no tweaks. Because the characters aren't... characterized - they're just stock. They have complex and traumatic backstories, but those personal histories feel like distant gossip for all the effects that they have on a character's motivations and actions. The plot needs the actions, so the characters take those actions.

Luckily, a lot of those actions are smut that just so happens to coincide with some of the most popular fanfic conventions of the past decade.

So, the ACOTAR series sold really well, and honestly - the plot is a fun ride even if the disconnect between the text and reality is sometimes a huge chasm that was incredibly frustrating.

I think I was most frustrated at the 'mates' Feysand plotline because that trope feels sooooo lazy to me! It's fine where authors wanna 'skip to the good part' or do some morally complex dubcon, but this is a modern mass market novel... so why are we doing it? Couldn't SJM at least justify it somehow - like the characters were fated to help each other take some critical action so 'fate' (the cauldron, the mother, the weaver - any of those characters are readily available) tied them together or reincarnation or... anything?

Seriously, it seems like Feyre & Rys never even work as a team because the rare time they try, they get caught up in their feelings for one another. They are on the same side but always doing their own independent tasks that don't rely on the other at all. Or the text says they are 'working together' while they don't have matching objectives or perspectives because they are always lying to one another or keeping secrets.

No, 'mates' is just lazy. It's not needed, and it runs so counter to the "independence and freedom are core virtues" message the narrators keep saying (despite being imperialist autocrats in a semi-feudalistic society). It's one contradiction that she could have skipped, but I guess it makes money, so what do I know.

If anyone has reading recommendations, I'd love some.

[achillesuwu]

I see this take a lot and look, I understand and yes maybe it’s a part (or fully) of it for some people but I also think : we, queer people, are traumatized because we are used to be see as shameful, as something weird (something queer) so when people think it’s cringe we see it as an attack on ourselves BUT this is also internalized queer phobia to think that we should not feel second hand embarrassment because it’s two men in love. That we should all agree on how we experience stories. Someone feeling second hand embarrassment doesn’t mean that they think it wasn’t beautiful or should not be there. It doesn’t mean it is out of character for the show (it’s very much in character), people can enjoy stories even if they find some part cringe. It doesn’t invalidate your feeling or your view of the scene, be proud of how good you feel when watching it.

Also : I cringe easily (like no, seriously, when I was young I used to run away from the room and roll myself in the curtain and I 100% still do it now in extreme case *whisper* Miraculous ladybug. You know the one.), no matter if its a M/F, F/F, NB/F, NB/NB, NB/M or M/M romance like for me it wasn’t unexpected to cringe in front of this. It would actually be weirder if I didn’t because that would mean I see M/M romance differently than heterosexual romance.

hey not to be that guy, but for everyone looking at the Stede!Mermaid scene at the end of the Innkeeper and thinking it's cringe... do we think maybe there's some externalised shame here? as queer fans, our love, enthusiasm, skill and labour (fanfiction, fanart, etc.) has mostly been relegated to the shadows, despite it being the backbone of many shows/fandoms. to have that love & labour visually represented in an unabashed, unashamed, silly, CANONICAL and queer way? to have the very stories we devote our time to crafting for one another manifested on the screen in an unapologetically gay visual feast? that should be a fucking celebration.

it's okay. lean in with me. let's practice some radical self-love and healing in this chillis tonight. together. this is a love letter to us. lean in.

[zoobus]

I’m in love with bloodthirsty sapphics (preferably w/ traumatic backstories) who WIN! Can you share some recs, pretty please? Any media is fine; can be subtextual/based on vibes. I consider not dying/ending worse off as winning, yeah.... Examples: Homura Akemi (rebellion), Hideko (handmaiden), Lady Eboshi, Doona (sadistic beauty), Kirika & Mireille, Hild (vinland saga).

Black & White - these two women are so weird. Like this is good and I like it but their relationship is violent sex. I am not saying this is sexual violence, I'm saying they annoy each other until someone starts throwing fists. Then they hatefuck. This happens frequently. I recommend this. Official release in October.

Her Tale of Shim Cheong - Unfortunately no longer available on tappytoons. I know you said you want them winning, and they do but their wins are hard won, fought for inch by inch. This is an incredible story about systematic sexism. Systematic oppression is hard to write. Internalized bigotry is hard to write without sounding childish. Characters who are complicit and supportive of their own oppression are hard to write. Tale of Shim Cheong does it all, easy.

These girls are barely treading water in a society that thoroughly despises them and eventually it's time to say fuck society and fuck anyone who tries to come for my girl.

The Villainess and the Woman Who Would Do Anything For Love - Full disclosure, I liked this so much I translated several chapters, though I burned out after a weirdly aggressive fan tried to manage me like an employee. It looks like someone completed it though, so check it out!! Inescapable death loops and empty sacrifice! It's short and good.

The Antagonist's Pet - I waffled on recommending this one because this is either editorial meddling or flat out queerbaiting. The way Sasha (MC) interacts with other girls is gay. She's mocked by men for her overly intimate behavior with women. Her role is insinuated as that of a prostitute for aristocratic women. She is crawling into laps and snuggling up with *women.* Hell, the official translation made its header pic MC and Rebecca in an endgame couple post. Seriously, I was waiting for Sasha to say she worked at a lesbian hostess bar before she died.

The first time I read this, I was mad as hell about the love triangle between Arth and Rebecca because of course Arth will win, he's a man. But on second read? Poly. It's so obviously a mutually supportive Sasha-centered poly relationship. Of course that doesn't happen in the end but there was enough sweet scenes between the three of them that I can ignore the forced unrequited end.

I spent too much time convincing you this is gay instead of on the other thing, yes Rebecca is a bloodythirsty sapphic, and for once we get a quasi realistic look at a villainess overcoming fate. Too many of these end up over girlpowering characters, so it's satisfying when they're forced to acknowledge unsurmountable walls. That's half of why she's out for blood, imagine realizing you have natural talent in a sport that intrigues you, something you could have easily been a top contender in, better than the men even...had you not been coerced into wasting your youth on serving an ungrateful little loser of a king.

Also Lilith isn't gay but I think you will like her a lot.

[characterworkshoppe]

OMG MY WIFI DIDN'T LET ME REPLY TO THE POST HOW RUDE OF IT ;-; sorry for the long reply it would seem my wifi is screwy

Anyways!

Arthur having flings was when him and Mc weren't exclusive, and when they became exclusive he stopped and would basically move heaven and earth for her! He loves her! A lot! And just because previous partners come up and talk to him and he responds with something along the lines of "It's nice to see you but I don't do that kind of thing anymore" he really doesn't! And I trust he doesn't! He used sleeping around and drinking at the bar with Theo as coping strategies for his trauma...

But I agree when I read Arthur's route for the first ever time...I hated him until mid-story...I didn't understand the biting in the beginning...I thought that was a jackass way of flirting...

But what I see now reading that scene...Arthur is internally panicking...he's having a trauma response...he sees a nice person and doesn't want them to end up dead like other nice people in his life that he cared about...he's not exactly acting rationally...it was his instinct response to trauma...which doesn't justify the action...

However...after he's had time to cool off...he gravely regrets his decision...like badly and thinks for days what's the best way to apologize...he's scared...and doesn't know what to do...and honestly he does apologize...from the heart...and he meant it...and person I forgive him and I can empathize that trauma is hard and trauma responses are hardly ever rational and it doesn't make biting Mc right but I forgive him...he does care...and he is sorry...he's a poor traumatized boi that isn't getting help for the trauma he has...

And as for taking no for an answer, after that one trauma episode for him in chapter 3...I think if you said no and meant it, he would respect that, he has seriously conversations with Mc and he doesn't flirt in thoes moments...or make any kind of comment...I really think he can read his partner's body language and has an understanding of "this is ok"...that's just Mc's personality and how Arthur and her relationship was written...

Let's say...there is no Mc...Mitsuki farewell...take a backseat...it's Kat's turn...

If You were in this game setting as yourself with your own thoughts, feelings, and mannerisms, body language, and everything...

Arthur and all the mansion residents would react differently...and I feel like...idk let's say your pursuing Arthur...and as yourself...not Mc Mitsuki...told him "no Arthur, I don't feel comfortable with X,Y, and Z" he'd listen to what you have to say and adapt to fit your needs...

Mc Mitsuki is just simply written to like and be chill with the way the two of them interact...I relate quite a bit with Mitsuki's personality and decisions (not always but most of the time) and level of comfort with the mansion residents and how they each act...

But you got me on the cockyness and smugness...personally I find it cute! But I see hoe that may clash with some people and it's not everyone's cup of tea! Fair enough! To all thier own!

As for in other routes, I think he's taking on this "occasional bad guy" thing by purposely flirting with them as a way to make the guy she does like look even better in her eyes...that's how I read into it honestly...he's not doing it with the intention to steal...he's doing it as a way to make the other one look better compared to him...he wants to purposely throw himself under the bus like that...

Anyways that's just how I read him!

And to be honest! I had the complete opposite feeling to you about Charles! I felt like Arthur was the more sweet and understanding one and Charles was clingy and possessive and couldn't be told no!

Haha! It's cool how we pick up on a different kind of subtext from eachother! We definitely think differently! It's interesting! It's cool to hear your perspective :D

Oh! And as for calling women "skirts" I think that just goes with the time period he grew up in which was just simply a normal term that didn't particularly offend so Arthur just doesn't know that it causes offense and thought it just gives them a laugh to be called as such, if he knew it would hurt someone...he would stop...Arthur cares and doesn't mean any harm...my man hung up his doctor's coat because he couldn't save a patient form a terminal illness...he just hates it when harm is caused...

If he causes any pain or hurt...he deeply and gravely regrets it...he cares...

Now with my opinion said!

COME ON KAT!!! TELL ME MORE ABOUT WHAT YOU LOVE ABOUT CHARLES AND WILL!!! I DON'T CARE IF IT'S RATIONAL I LOVE SEEING PEOPLE LOVE CHARACTERS!!!! TELL ME MORE!!! PLEEEEEASEEEE!!!

Hugs!!!

Kaaaaaat!!! Hello! It's Nori!!! I should totally be using my otome blog (Mcofthemansion) to talk about otome stuff but oh well!

KAT YOUR FICS ARE GREAT AND YOU HAVE A GREAT PORTRAYAL OF ARTHUR!!!

And I seriously won't be able to sleep at night unless I ask what is it about him specifically that you don't like???

Do you not like how flirty he is? 🤔

Is it the fear of potential cheating? Let me answer that one real quick! Because that's a passionate topic for me! 😅 So, I know before the events of the story of ikemen vampire Arthur slept with multiple women, HOWEVER! They all knew about eachother! Like in Arthur's route they even say "when will you come see us again" and stuff! It was a consensual fb situation! And once Arthur falls in love with Mc he doesn't go back to them and they are ok with that! I think Arthur is actually really loyal! Like in an abherrent incident he out of loyalty and not wanting to hurt Mc tries to wait out the bloodlust in the woods in a shack somewhere but Mc goes searching anyways!

Anyways, he's not a pick-up artist or a cheater!

So may I ask what things about him you dislike?

Is it the smugness when he wins games?

Does his backstory bother you?

I'm so sorry! I just genuinely really want to hear your opinion! If that's ok!

While I'm here, what particularly draws you to Charles and Will? I'd love to hear that as well! If you don't mind!!!

But please!!! I really wanna hear your thoughts!!!

Hope you're having a lovely day!!!

Everyone really harassing me with Arthur today. ITD FINE THO.

Also... I honestly LOVE writing Arthur... I feel like I write him well honestly

So like... I don't see Arthur being loyal. He has multiple flings at once. Multiple a week, sometimes even a day.

He doesn't take no as an answer. Being a flirt isn't the issue it's that he doesn't know when to stop. In the first chapter when he goes to bite you he doesn't take no for an answer, and Sebastian thinks he did it to distract me from running off, and he admits more than once that that isn't the reason.

Even when you clearly say that you want him to stop trying to bite you, and you are scared he doesn't stop.

His smugness would definitely piss me off if it was towards me, and his cockyness.

I just don't think he would realize his love for mc.in such a short time, while also having flings on the same time.

Even in other routes when he knows you like another guy he keeps being touchy and flirting with you, damn well knowing you don't want him. He just doesn't give up.

Calling all women "skirts" is a little off putting to me too. I get it's a nickname and I clearly have nothing wrong with hondje. But he's talking about all women in a degrading way.

I honestly don't remember much of his back story... We didn't get too much but we are getting more in his sequel, which I will be reading despite hating him.

~

Ppl will ask me why I like Charles and not Arthur...Charles understands no. He knows when to back off, he's upset about it, but he still backs down.

Charles is flirty and doesn't fully understand the meaning of love and thinks it's to just be wanted. Arthur has flings for the same reason he drinks.

Honestly I couldn't tell you what the hell I see in Will but I love him so much. He's so pretty and I want to kiss him.

[mikami]

hey there!!! i was thinking lately about the possibility of misa's way of perhaps relying on her cutesy/pretty/sexy aspect as a conscious or unconscious act of survival.

we know about the concrete traumatizing life changing experiences she's lived through. i wonder how safe it is to especulate what else she has gone through as a young woman who is a model.

& im curious abt your understanding of this aspect of her-- how do you think the way she presents herself to the world & others (both in personality & appearance) relates to her job? to the construction of the self as a product of consumption (especially w like i said, misa being a woman)?

does misa perform these things as a way to neutralize the harm of violence at the hands of men?

I'm not sure I would call it 'survival' exactly, but oh my god, Misa and gender performance is such an interesting topic.

I personally wouldn't headcanon further active violence into her backstory than we have been shown - I feel that if we're shown a characters formative traumatic experience (family death, stalking) that it's to give us a fairly complete picture of their life and motivations.

But at the same time, society is full of what I will now arbitrarily call 'passive violence' in the way women are put at a disadvantage. And definitely, her whole cutesy persona is in dialogue with that hostile world, navigating it and taking advantage of it.

I think Misa is an interesting case, because she is somebody who both entirely internalized gender roles for herself unquestioned and is deeply aware of how being perceived as a woman hinders or helps her in any given situation.

Like, on the one hand Misa is sexist society's wet dream. She is somebody who very sincerely believes that her place and fulfillment as a woman is at the side of a prince charming. She is completely convinced that her purpose lies in a relationship with a man.

Even though she's not the 'good wife' stereotype due to being a fashion subculture kind of girl (see: the Yagami parents' disdain of her), she's still holding these values close to her heart.

On the other hand, the way she weaponizes the perception people have of her is immediately front and center in her intro scene.

The VIZ translation here drives me mildly insane because the Japanese term she uses to describe herself here is "純粋な子" which in this context should roughly translate to 'pure young woman'.

It's not "Kira is nice to his supporters" but more along the line of "Kira is nice to good little girls". Misa knows she seems harmless on first sight. She knows her existence as a pretty frail teenage girl makes her an object of protective instinct to most men. But at the same time she juxtaposes it with the knowledge that she isn't just what she seems - as much as she adores Kira, she is perfectly confident that on the Death Note user power scale she's higher up.

Misa is fully aware that as an idol, she's a product to be sold. And that is where she personally finds her power - she doesn't protest female stereotypes and prejudice, she acts within those parameters to grab power from men unnoticed.

We see this most in her interactions with the Yotsuba Group, particularly Higuchi. Misa is aware she is desirable and she weaponizes that desirability against him. Presenting as cute, naive, soft and thoroughly attractive gives her power of manipulation. It is the capital she is used to bargaining with at all times.

In response to a world that is predisposed to take her less seriously because she's a dainty pretty girl, Misa has decided to intentionally curate that exact reputation for herself - only to then be able to use it to get her way. She's cute because men who want to get into her pants will do her favors. She's cute because how could anyone be mad at such a cute young woman acting selfishly?

I feel like we see that in her body language with Light - when he doesn't react as expected to her coming to see him against his wishes, she doubles down on the sweet body language and the "teehee, I am just an emotional little girl, you can't be mad at my pure lovey dovey feelings" act.

It's a neat mix because on the one hand: she clearly believes this about herself. She genuinely does think being a cute lovey dovey girl is her biggest purpose on this Earth. She genuinely enjoys being an attractive young woman (we see her dress up and act cutesy when she is by herself in her apartment after all). This is the self that she sincerely wants for herself.

But on the other hand she is so clearly aware of its impact. Her status as a product to be consumed is a constant bargaining chip.

Most heartbreakingly and extremely seen in the time after she loses her memories of being Kira and desperately attempts to buy her freedom by promising parts of herself to the assumed stalker.

Less heartbreakingly and more girlboss-y in interaction with the Yotsuba Eight, as mentioned before:

Self-objectification is an active practice of subverting power to Misa - exercising power without being seen as powerful and thus escaping the watchful eyes of those who could feel threatened by her.

[ramblingguy54]

Turning Red: Setting The Stage For A Dramatic Third Act.

MAJOR SPOILERS FOR TURNING RED BELOW.

     The falling out scene Turning Red had really surprised me on what it sets out to do. Didn’t know what to expect in the third act of this movie, but damn they capitalized on on showing said dangerous element of not having real control over your emotions. Ming Lee arriving at the scene right when Mei pounced on Tyler was a brutal way to foreshadow why exactly she’s so over protective of her daughter’s safety, as well as other people too. Turning Red, while being this cheeky heartfelt study about blossoming womanhood, is a haunting reflection surrounding complications when you’re not in control of your own anger. Forcing your feelings inward becoming a state of passiveness doesn’t help dealing with the bigger problem of this manifesting in their lineage Red Panda gift.

      Ming Lee seeing Mei bruise up a defenseless boy stirred up all those traumatic events when she lashed out at her own mother. Ever since that fateful day Ming viewed their gift as an unsightly curse needing to be expelled. Ming wanted nothing more than to protect Mei from the Panda’s Curse and prevent it from ever showing up again to cause more destruction in her life. Ming already dealt with all the selective control her mother had, so now yet another factor interferes adding to an already absurdly stressful existence? Knowing the reality of what it could do for her daughter, Ming was driven by an understandable empathetic fear protecting this child from landing herself in some awful worst case scenario. 

     What if she hadn’t gotten there in time? Would Mei in that blinding rage have seriously injured Tyler, or outright unintentionally kill him due to not knowing her own super strength? Throw in the authorities getting involved creates a more painful narrative for what’s exactly at stake here. It would’ve resulted in ruining Mei’s life forever, if things did reach that kind of volcanic eruption. Ming felt terrible about leaving a scar on her mother’s face from their intense falling out, so if her precious kid had killed someone, due to the Red Panda, there’s no way she would’ve ever forgave herself for any of it.

     This wasn’t only a matter of, “These friends of your’s are a bad influence!”, but one steeped in years of regretful family conflict. Ming distanced herself from her mother because every time she sees that scar it’s a deeply painful reminder. A painful reminder the crucial lack of control Ming lost sight of, given her severe fight she had with Wu Lee over marrying Jin Lee. She attacked someone who, despite having bitter feelings of never being able to live out a childhood of her own, Ming still obviously cares about. It’s a serious gut punch for Ming to see Mei assault someone in such a vicious manner because Wu Lee warned her before this to be very watchful of the child. Even after all the frustration, grief, and anger Ming has carried, this woman still wants to show Wu Lee how capable she is. Generational trauma at its finest, ladies and gentlemen.

     You can easily see where Ming is coming from here because while sure it was an ancestral gift used to help others in their time of need, this ability can be deadly in the wrong hands. After all, that destruction Ming causes to the 4Town stadium in her own enormous Panda form speaks for itself right there. The Red Panda, if not controlled by someone with stable emotions, can transform into something downright terrifying endangering others’ well being. Something Mei internally reflects on after the event happens wondering if she’d be better off without having it at all. How will it affect the pivotal relationship with her mother? Are Ming Lee & Mei going to become distant like what happened with her grandma? Can she find a way to make her Red Panda work in the daily routine without it becoming a serious hindrance on Mei’s future lifestyle?

     One of the biggest praises I gotta give Turning Red is how seamlessly it blends drama and comedy together in the story they’re trying to convey. One second Mei is swooning over Devon in Red Panda form tapping her foot fast, like Thumper from Bambi. The next she’s breaking down in tears overhearing her mother express tremendous concerns about how they’re going to handle this current predicament. Ming Lee never wanted Mei to go through what she experienced because getting thrust into the responsibility of, “You need to control our ancestral gift, or else it could have permanent effects on your life.”, had awful consequences on the way her mother views herself. She thought there wasn’t any way to make up to Wu Lee about giving her that scar. All those years Ming Lee drifted apart from Wu Lee not just because of her Red Panda incident, but it was due to all the unfair expectations her mom wanted, overall.

     There are plenty of red flags in Ming behaving similarly to her mother. This isn’t to say Ming Lee is emotionally cold to her daughter, of course. I’ve seen plenty of posts recently comparing Ming Lee to Abuela Alma from Encanto. Which, while yes, there’s much to be discussed about how Turning Red & Encanto share the thematic weight of generational trauma, Ming does behave differently in some fashion from that story’s respective elderly character. Abuela I’d argue is much harsher toward Mirabel, than Ming Lee ever was to Mei. Ming was controlling, overbearing, and wanted perfection, where those attributes can be lumped in with Abuela’s intentions for her own family. However, the key defining difference here is Abuela rarely wanted to spend time with Mirabel, considering she saw her as more of a disappointment, than real family.

     Ming Lee always wanted Mei to be apart of her life, despite the ridiculous lengths she goes in ensuring happiness. Ming & Abuela certainly are comparably written well intent extremists, but how these two are characterized helps put stuff into better perspective for their own films’ end goals. Abuela’s endgame destination was understanding Mirabel has always been good enough to be apart of their family, gift or none at all. Ming Lee’s final destination, on the other hand, is realizing she had been implanting exactly what this woman was trying to escape from, immensely unfair cultural expectations. Ming never allowed her daughter to blossom into who Mei wanted to truly become, showcased in why she goes behind her mother’s back to do the 4Town Concert fundraiser deal. None of that would’ve happened had Ming actually kept an open mind about it all. Mei tried to open up about her own interests and got automatically shot down by Ming because she always believed family came first before themselves.

     Turning Red manages to have it’s conflict and ideas culminate into a very profound message of growing up being hard because you must reexamine parts of your own life. Mei had always believed she couldn’t excuse herself from inherited family responsibilities. That she always had put their needs before herself, given everything Ming had put into her head. Mei was indeed brainwashed not just by her mother, but a common issue in Asian culture. Granted, not every Asian family is obviously like this, although there is a painful truth behind it all. Perfection, studying hard, and family are three things their way of life has preached to above and beyond. It’s a severely double edged sword sometimes bringing out good results sure, but this mind set can just as well as have great consequences on future generations. The cycle needs to change in order for people to freely live their own life and help family when need be.

     I sincerely felt for Mei’s conflict against her mom, as someone who has dealt with parental differences the more I’ve grown into adulthood over these years, too. A bittersweet element of life is you’re going to think more differently from what your own parents believe, depending on whatever defining experiences we’ve had. No matter how much you love your parents, sometimes they need to be called out when any father or mother alienates events that have shaped ourselves. For this important reason alone I couldn’t have a greater appreciation for what Turning Red set it out to tell in its story and especially the way it executed said messages, in general. Turning Red is truly an excellent addition to Pixar’s library of animated gems because not only will many young girls will strongly relate to this film, but so will plenty of adults. 

     Don’t judge a book by its silly cover, as Turning Red has plenty of underlying dramatic writing for anyone to mull over in their minds. It’s not just about some young girl going through a clever allegory for puberty, but a tale of the emotional conditioning one’s culture, not to mention past family conflicts, defining a person’s struggles. Turning Red is a story about overcoming and coping to become better. 

[transenbyconfessions]

cw for sexual content and discussions of sexuality, internalized transphobia, possibly (?) internalized misandry/ace-phobia? also cw for gacha game purchases, just in case

so i'm a early-twenties transmasc demiguy who's identified as fully acearo through my whole childhood+adolescence and recently i started experiencing romantic (and possibly sexual?) attraction towards other male-aligned people, mostly fictional but a few real people as well.

i recently got really really into "nu: carnival" which is an 18+ BL porn gacha game. the characters in this game are very autistic-coded in my opinion, and almost all the characters (love interests + protagonist) struggle with various traumas that I relate to deeply, so I mostly find the game deeply cathartic and emotionally fulfilling (as a traumatized autistic person myself). i actually got so invested in one of the characters' stories that i bought him for $110 USD, and spent another $20 USD on gacha pulls in hopes of getting a different character as well. like it's gotten to the point of obsession, frankly.

but also, getting really invested in these characters emotionally makes the actual porn scenes like... work on me (been considering I might be demisexual but I'm not sure yet). so since starting to feel attraction and also since engaging with nu:carnival content, i've actually been hornier and masturbating more, and being this horny has actually been giving me wild amounts of gender euphoria.

i feel kind of guilty about that honestly because that's like one of those stereotypes you know? that men are horny all the time? so i kind of wonder if that's like, misandristic or acephobic to get euphoria from. but then again maybe the euphoria isn't actually from doing something "only men do" as much as doing something that is true to myself + also frequently perceived as masculine? i dunno. i certainly don't consciously think "all men are horny constantly + anyone who's really horny is a man" but i guess i kind of wonder if feeling gender euphoria about sexual desires kind of implies that sort of thing...

while i still have all this context written out, i also wanted to confess/vent a little about a slightly different but related topic (where the internalized transphobia cw comes in). still related to nu:carnival, i went on tumblr to search for content about my favorite characters, and I didn't find much actually but I did end up seeing a lot of discourse saying that fujoshis should or shouldn't be playing the game. apparently there was something about a bunch of minors on TikTok trying to gatekeep who's allowed to play an 18+ game?

anyway i understand the discomfort of not wanting gay men fetishized, but seeing those posts actually made me really uncomfortable and guilty as a gay trans man, especially because I'm a little non-binary, it kind of made my internalized transphobia stir up again and tell me that as a non-binary man I'm not a "real" man and I'm the same as the fujoshis as an afab ""invader"" on gay spaces and my brain knows that isn't true and that there's gay and achillean spaces that are non-binary inclusive and not transphobic but it's just kind of sad how much of a blow that dealt to me. like for me to read "fujoshi" and not be sure whether or not that gate is meant for me as an afab achillean.

so yeah this got really long but tldr; i'm exploring my sexuality and gender but I'm not sure if I'm wanted in gay circles and I'm also not sure if feeling euphoria about my sexuality might actually be the result of internalized phobias. as for the latter it sounds a bit close to the "trans men are just escaping internalized misogyny" argument for me to take it seriously yet but... yeah