#no seriously that scene internally traumatized me

[sidecharactersdomatter]

Just a reminder, Triplicate Girl’s White Triad dying in the first episode of LOSH Season 2 Emotionally scarred the heck out of 5th Grader me

[yesimwriting]

pleaseee write smth about that fight between Felix and reader

a/n i've been thinking about this scene for days so when i saw this ask i got so hyped

warnings: reader being AFAB/female is plot relevant (reader's father has always wanted a son), implied emotional/financial parental abuse (not described in too much detail), potentially inaccurate portrayal of early-ish 2000's phones bc i was a toddler during their oxford era, hurt/comfort

we're getting into reader's background!!

itallic texts = from felix, bold texts = from reader

There's a scratch embedded into the dark mahogany. It's small, no wider than something you could make with your finger nail.

"How's your food?"

Your attention shifts towards the ceramic plate that's almost covering the dining table's only blemish. "It's good," you mumble with a slight nod, fork instinctually jabbing at a piece of food without you even looking at it. "Yours?"

"Great," he hums casually, cutting into his steak. "Part of the reason I picked this hotel is because of the restaurant. The visiting chef's a guy that I met in New York when he was looking into financing an international expansion of his franchise."

You bring your utensil to your lips. "That's cool, daddy."

The comment only strengthens the question that's been silently ebbing at your mind since your father first suggested lunch. Why did he order room service instead of taking you to the hotel's restaurant? Your dad has always loved the ambiance, the leisure of sitting in a nice restaurant.

"Is that why you're in town?" You reach for your glass, taking a sip of your drink before continuing. "To finalize something with the chef?"

He sets down his knife. "That and a few other business arrangements that needed to be checked on." He pauses, shoulders relaxing. "And to see you, too, Ace. It feels like it's been awhile since we talked."

Your lips quirk into what's almost a smile. When your father called to let you know that he'd be staying near Oxford for work and that he wanted you to visit, you had been apprehensive at first. Your mother was cautiously supportive of the idea.

Things with your father have been relatively stable recently. He liked the way no university seemed off limits to you with your grades and extracurriculars. He loved the idea of a daughter studying abroad at Oxford (which, is part of the reason you seriously considered Princeton for some time). And he's been drinking less. Part of that whole reborn, second marriage to a late-20-something methodist thing.

"Yeah, dad," you agree, as sincerely as you can manage, "It's been awhile."

"You know I'm friends with one of your deans." He doesn't give you a chance to reply. "We had coffee together, and he told me you're on track to finish in the top 10%." Rumors about the top percentages had been circling around Oxford for the past month. Still, it's relieving to know. "Congratulations, Ace."

This time, your smile meets your eyes. "Thanks."

He smiles, a flash of something practiced and charming. "When I get home, the first thing I'm doing is picking out a gift to send to you."

"If you need time, you can always wait and give it to me over the summer."

The infamous summer. Your mother is going to be spending most of the summer volunteering for an organization that brings counseling to children that have survived traumatic experiences but can't affording therapy. Your father suggested that you stay with him for a little while so that you wouldn't have to spend an entire two months in an empty house.

He stretches an arm like he wants to pick up his fork, but decides against it. "I--I want to tell you something." His tone is softer now, almost hesitant. "But you have to promise not to cry."

You try to swallow around the lump in your throat, body familiar with the command. "Okay?"

"I don't know if this summer's going to work out the way we talked about." He taps his fingers against the surface of the table. Your eyes lock on the scratch marring the wood. "Things have gotten complicated."

"Complicated?"

Your father sighs. "I'm sure you've noticed Christine's not here." You can't bring yourself to react at the mention of your step-mother's name. "She isn't in--she isn't in the best condition to travel." The tapping continues. "Christine's pregnant. She's due in early June, and she isn't having an easy time. I think it'd be best to not do anything that could potentially be stressful."

Oh.

"It's a boy."

Oh. A boy. With his perfect wife, in his perfect penthouse on the Upper East Side. Of course. Of fucking course.

You can't breathe right or thing of the way you're supposed to react. All you can do is stare at the scratch. At the only thing that indicates that anything bad has ever happened to the table.

"You promised you wouldn't cry." The words feel far. "You look too much like your mother when you cry."

That seems to force you back to earth. Any and all reminders of your mother must be eradicated in his presence. "I know. I'm not going to cry." You blink once, hand moving to wipe away tears you refuse to let spill. "Congratulations."

He's quiet for a moment, pressing his lips together, before finally settling on a perfunctory, "Thank you." After a beat of silence, he continues, "Were you planning on staying tonight? I was thinking of flying back early, but I can--"

"Oh, no," you shake your head once, "I actually have a lot of homework, so it's probably better for me to get back."

Your father nods, "Always the academic, Ace." He pushes his seat back. "If you're done eating, I can walk you to the lobby and have my driver take you back."

"Yeah," you push back your own seat and stand, "Sounds good."

The two of you reach the front doors of the suite. "Hey," your father starts, "Why don't you travel this summer? That's all I did during college breaks. I'll pay so you can do it up right. You should go somewhere with a friend. Paris, maybe. You two always had fun as kids."

You nod once, trying to keep your expression neutral. "Yeah, daddy, I'll ask Paris about what she's doing this summer."

"Good." He pauses at the door, reaching into the pocket of his slacks. He pulls out his wallet and counts out a few bills. "Here. A pre-gift." You hesitate. "C'mon, top 10%."

Your mother's voice rings in your ears. He won't change, you might as well take the money. You stretch out a hand, forcing a smile as you take the cash. "Thanks."

----

Stupid. You're so fucking stupid.

You really thought you'd be there all weekend. You really thought Christine would let you into her home for longer than a day or two.

And the pregnancy thing? That--that's going to get back to your mom in one way or another if you don't tell her. And hearing that, hearing that your dad's finally getting his son is going to kill her.

It's all you've been thinking about since you got back yesterday afternoon. After mumbling a halfhearted explanation to your roommate, you changed into some pajama shorts and a giant T-shirt that you only realized was Felix's after the fact and crawled into bed. You've moved as little as possible since.

Something near the foot of your bed buzzes, snapping you back to the present. You flip the phone open, immediately noticing three text notifications. From Felix.

hope ur weekend's going better than mine

lovie

i feel abandoned

Despite your angst, you smile to yourself before sending a response: it's been one day.

After a minute, there's another text on your screen: so it's a crime to miss u. You roll your eyes, fondness pooling in your stomach. how are u doing.

The second question, though sincere, forces you to spiral. You want to be honest. You don't lie to Felix and he doesn't lie to you.

But, everything comes with exceptions, and making sure no one finds out how tense things actually are with your dad is yours. Before you two got close, it felt too private, and once you finally did, a few comments from Felix's friends made you feel like the worst thing you could do for your friendship was let him see any kind of darkness.

It's not that he'd judge you, he'd just want to help you so badly that it'd take over everything else. Farleigh's made it clear that Felix loves a charity case. And you don't want to be that. You won't let your dad take that from you, either.

You want to say that you're fine, maybe text a comment about things being a little awkward because it's no secret that your mom took care of you after the divorce. But lying about being on campus feels like something that could easily morph into something else.

Felix, who actually has enough of a social life to pull sleazy moves like that never has. i'm sick. came home early.

ur back!

why didn't u tell me

i'm sick, can't hang out

are u ok

do u need anything

Guilt prods at you. You've been texting him on and off since yesterday and never mentioned that you came back early. Felix is always so good to you. But, you're in no place to see him. no just need rest

You shut your phone. You're not sure that saying you're sick is enough to keep Felix away all weekend, but it could be enough to keep him away tonight. It's Saturday night. He'll have plans.

And tomorrow, you'll feel better. More stable.

"I have some time before I'm supposed to go to Jake's. I stole some bread from the dining hall." Nadia's offer is gentle. "Do you want to go feed the ducks?"

You wipe at your face. "That's a really nice offer, Nadia, but I'm feeling a little sick. Maybe when you get back?"

She frowns. "Are you sure you're okay?"

"Yeah," you mumble, "I just need some sleep."

"You've been sleeping on and off since yesterday afternoon." Nadia hesitates, eyes darting towards the bathroom. She does need to start getting ready for her date. "Maybe you can call Felix later? It's Saturday night, you know there's some terribly exclusive, not meant for any of us ordinaries party he's dying to take you to."

The attempt at humor is enough to get you to roll onto your side. "Since when do you like Felix?"

To be fair, Nadia's never disliked Felix. Before you became friends with him, she had a bit of a crush on him in that way that all freshmen girls at Oxford do. After you started hanging out with him all the time, that crush turned into an awareness that fueled her worry. She's always implied her concern that he'd eventually hurt you.

"I've never not liked him," she mumbles, "I was just scared he'd break your heart, but, the last couple of times he's come over...something about the way he looks at you."

"So you finally accepted we're just friends?"

She walks towards the bathroom, "Didn't say that."

You roll your eyes, letting yourself rest on your back. You shut your eyes, trying to force out any thoughts of the outside world as you drift off.

The familiar creek of the hinges of your room's door pulls you back to reality slowly.

"Took you long enough." Nadia's voice. "All she does is sleep and mope. She didn't even want to go feed the ducks today."

"She loves feeding the ducks." Another familiar, much more moving voice. You manage to move, wiping at your eyes as you sit up.

"I know!"

You finally sit up, blinking your eyes as your vision adjusts. Felix. He's standing in near the foot of your bed. "Felix--I-I told you I'm fine. Just a little sick."

"Nadia called and told me the opposite."

You turn your head to glare at you roommate, who doesn't even have the decency to look ashamed. "You stole my phone and called him?"

"I had to," she defends. "All you do is sleep and cry, and you've been like this since you came back yesterday."

Felix's expression drops as soon as the final word comes out. Your eyes widen, head shaking as subtly as possible as if a too late warning will erase the sentence from existence.

"Wait," his voice is softer than you've ever heard it, "You've been back since yesterday and you didn't tell me?"

You swallow, unable to look away from Felix.

"I--I have to go." Nadia's announcement breaks through the stiff silence. "I'll be back sometime tomorrow, so um..." She turns away, swinging an overnight bag over her shoulder before disappearing out the door. You can't blame her for running out as soon as possible.

"Felix," your voice is low, gravely, "Darling."

"Don't." His eyebrows pinch together, sadness tinging his expression. It doesn't fit him. "Why--why wouldn't you tell me you were here?"

You sit up a little straighter, wiping at your eyes with the back of your palm. "I told you I'm sick. I'm not up for anything right now."

Felix is still watching you with that kicked puppy look. "That doesn't--" He cuts himself off with a sigh. "You know I don't care if you don't want to do anything. We can--we can just sit or-or talk, or read or--do nothing." Felix presses his lips together, "I thought you knew that."

You know he's right, and that makes it harder to look at him. Felix would have been a sweetheart about it. He would have let you mope, cry even, and he would've spent the entire time holding you. It should have been easy to tell Felix, instinctual...and yet...

Your eyes briefly shut. "I do." The admission's painful to get out. Some of your hesitation was over the way Felix reacts to tragedy, but the rest is something more personal. Telling Felix would have solidified it. Would have made that label of 'abandoned child' that you've always been so wary about permanent. "It's more than that."

"Then what is it?"

Sighing, you push yourself to the edge of your bed. "My head hurts, I need a Tylenol."

Your words and movements are drowsy as you push yourself to stand. Felix takes a partial step forward before forcing himself to freeze into place. It's hard not to help you.

"Then what is it?"

You push open the bathroom door. "I don't--I don't know." It's a weak attempt at dismissing the conversation before things go to a place that you can't handle right now. "I couldn't get the words out." Still can't.

You find the pill bottle you were looking for on the bathroom counter and start working at twisting off the childproof cap. "We tell each other everything eventually." His voice is dry, almost hesitant. "At least, I do. We trust each other."

Your eyes shut as you sigh, fingers briefly releasing the top of the bottle. "Maybe that's not trust. Maybe that's your life being so perfect there's nothing you need to keep secret."

The words come out in a rush, angry and sharp. Regret floods through you instantly. "I'm sorry."

"No." The syllable is hard. "No. You're not. Don't do that. Don't--don't start saying what you think I need to hear--or keeping in what you think I don't." There's a concerned anger there, an unfitting combination that you don't have the energy to decode. "What could be so bad you can't tell me? We know about Ollie's parents and that didn't change anything, did it?"

Actually, things did change a little. Oliver's broken home life seemed to only make Felix want to pull Oliver into his world even more. You hate thinking it, because it's insensitive and a little mean, but of course Oliver was willing to give Felix all the gritty details.

After the initial implications came out, Felix devoured them with the same silver spoon that was placed in his mouth at birth. In a way, Felix's desire to fix and ease pain brought them closer together. And it probably means more to Oliver coming from Felix than anyone else.

But your relationship with Felix is different. You don't want sadness and coddling to be what makes you feel certain in your bond with Felix. You want things to stay the same. You don't want to give your dad anyway to change one of the most important connections in your life.

"You have a big heart, Felix, and I love that about you." Your hand reaches for the Tylenol again. "But I don't want you helping me to become all that I am to you. I don't want to be a charity case." You squeeze your eyes shut, cringing at your wording. "And--and I'm not trying to say that Ollie's just a charity case, it's that--some stuff Farleigh's said and--" Tears are pricking the edge of your vision.

"You're more than that," he scoffs the words out like it's ridiculous he even has to say that, "Of course you're more than that, I thought you knew." He scoffs. "I--I don't just wait around for people."

You scoff, the sound almost a bitter laugh. "Oh--so now it's not about trust, it's about your ego. That I don't just sit around next to my phone, waiting for the Felix Catton to call me."

Felix takes a step forward, "It's not about that!" You raise your eyebrows, uncertainty leaving you frozen. Felix has never yelled at you before. "...It's not about that," he repeats, voice a more acceptable volume. He takes another step forward, his fingers finding your forearm. "You know how I meant it."

There's a tension in the way he's touching your arm. It's nothing harsh, if anything it's almost too soft. Hesitant. He's watching you with an intensity that pins you into place more than his actual hold.

You wouldn't be surprised by his anger, you're not even sure you'd be able to blame him for it, but that's not what you see when you look at him. You can't exactly read the look behind his eyes, but something about it reminds you of Nadia's earlier comment.

It's heavy. Too heavy for you to think about tonight. That's how Felix is. He's intense. All consuming. When all you do is blink at him, he lets go of your arm.

"Felix."

His eyes dart towards the ground, body angling itself away from you.

It's subtle, and not a direct dismissal, but after everything that's already happened, it's enough to serve as a final nail hammered into your chest. "I don't want things to change between us." You sigh, finally getting the pill bottle's lid to pop off. "Because I'm fine."

You force a smile, but there's a tightness to your features that makes it feel like a grimace. "It's not a big deal. So my dad asked me not to come home this summer, because his wife's pregnant and he doesn't want to 'stress her out'. I'm fine." You can feel the tears welling in your eyes. "Y'know it's a b-oy." Your voice cracks on the last word, a laugh or maybe a sob interrupting the single syllable. "So um...good for him, he's finally getting his son."

Felix is watching you cautiously, expression not quite sympathetic, but not relaxed either. "Oh my god, I have to tell my mom. And it--it's going to kill her." You gasp the words like the realization's just hit you, even though it's been on your mind since the beginning. "I don't know why I said that like I'm surprised--because I--" You laugh, the sound shrill and uneasy, "But it's whatever. I'm fine."

You nod once, as if that'll be enough to make you feel fine. Another sound comes out, this one a lot closer to a whimper. "I'm fine. I don't know why I'm being so dramatic. I'm fine. I'm--" You squeeze your arms around your waist, supporting yourself the way Felix usually would.

You're crying openly now, tears blinding you. This is pathetic. You need to get it together.

You're pulled forward with no warning, your body hitting something solid and warm. Felix.

His arms around you, firm and supportive. It's surprising enough to force a full breath of air into your lungs. For a moment, all there is Felix. You inhale again, and again, doing your best to hold the air in your lungs.

Felix's hand smooths circles against your back. He whispers soothing words that you can barely make out. Between that and the even rhythm of his heart, you manage to ground yourself.

"You don't have to be nice to me right now," you mumble into his shirt. "I was really mean to you."

He continues to trace patterns against your spine. "We don't have to talk about that right now."

"I know," you whisper, "I just--I don't want you to feel like you can't be mad at me."

He gently smooths your hair away from your face. "Can I be mad from right here?"

"Yeah." You sniffle once, letting your chin press into his chest so that you can look up at him. "If you want to."

"Then okay," he mumbles, knuckles running up and down the length of your spine, "I'll be mad from right here."

----

taglist; @vader-is-hot @spiritofbuddha @getosangie @freyafriggafrey @ilovehyperfixating @aryiannarae @willowpains @ker0senebunny

[germesthegenie]

Seriously what was this guy’s problem

Been wanting to do a drawing with how I imagine Victoria’s fear aura to look like and this arc gave a good opportunity for that. Thoughts on the arc itself below

Ended up with a lot of thoughts this arc so doing this now rather than waiting for Arc 9. Also started writing more of these comments as I read rather than after the chapter/arc.

Arc 8

Looking at the audiobook and thought, Chapters at a reasonable length? Maybe?

Yay Defiant and Dragon!

I liked the little scene of Victoria asking about Armsmaster’s plan during the Leviathan fight in the context of her family’s deaths. Usually thought about if Aegis got killed as collateral damage from the luring plan and how Defiant felt about that now, kinda forgot Manpower was also there

Huh yeah kinda funny how tinker personalities divide like that. Some of these segments of Victoria’s narration do feel a bit rambly or tangential (sometimes kinda feels like WB taking any opportunity to expand the worldbuilding on powers) but at the same time can be fun and highlight how Victoria’s more of a cape nerd to Taylor’s power munchkin

“Wow Kenzie you sure know a lot about lead poisoning!” “Thanks I researched it a lot” … :(

More things building up for Capricorn’s story. Guessing he’s our next focus this arc or the next? Having to timeshare a body with contrasting personalities does sound like it’d suck, even moreso with the sexuality stuff

Damn Monokeros is creepy. Casually having Birdcage tier capes sitting in the same prison as lesser criminals, especially ones with that strong of a Master power, is probably the biggest flaw of the prison system here. Not to mention it being accessible enough to be the target of any capable masterminds in need of minions it seems. I forget, did Khepri or Scion collapse the Birdcage or something to that effect? Or is it just because it’s on Earth Bet that they don’t use it anymore?

Kenzie highlighted the main theme of Breakthrough’s powers: They almost all have incredibly strong and potentially deadly powers, but for one reason or another they hold back, for the most part because they’re heroes. It’s interesting, but also makes me wonder how things will go when they face a threat they can go all out on (like an Endbringer tier or someone with a kill order)

Finally got to see the whole “everyone jumps the rulebreakers” thing Tattletale talked about in the whole cops and robbers talk way back in Worm, at least for smaller time rulebreakers and not S Class threats.

Also still reinforces my thought that Prancer is essentially a more villainous Skitter from an outside perspective. The Undersiders were playing pretty loose with the Unwritten Rules as well by the end of things

Cryptid continues to get weirder and more horrifying what do you mean he has a form that gives birth

(8.7) Wretch, kill Monokeros with hammers please. And Kenzie please don’t internalize what the creepy child killer thinks.

I’ve only had the Major Malfunctions for 1 chapter and if anything happened to them I would kill everyone in this room and then Carol

Ok actually Carol is being kinda cool here… how is she gonna mess this up? Aside from the probably unintentional bit where she assumed Tristan was straight

(8.9) The little secret the group’s keeping from Victoria… I’m guessing its Wretch related or Amy related

“We’re gonna show everyone we can handle PR” ok cool how will you do that Vic- “by telling everyone what happened in Gold Morning” what

(8.11) This is feeling like a high stakes version of 25.4… This won’t end with a 7th Endbringer, right? /j

(8.11) These hosts could never be O, J, and Koffi like they are just all kinds of awful.

That said, it makes sense Victoria is better with PR than Taylor, given New Wave basically depends on PR

Speaking of, Taylor mention! Love the ascension of her rep to “traumatized literally everyone”, and not even using bugs to do it. Wonder how she’d react to that if she somehow learned about it on Aleph.

(8.12) Actually can a 7th Endbringer show up and kill Hamza and John Combs? What the hell is their problem

Between these guys and the Martins, by comparison Carol might actually not be that bad- wait Carol what are you doing

(8.12) Oh ok that’s where Carol messes it all up. Sees Victoria forced to confront her trauma in front of thousands and went “How can I make this about Amy 😈”

Granted, Amy was kinda dragged into the spotlight as well with all that. Fuck Hamza, seriously. Still, not now Carol.

(8.12)…Speaking of. Well damn Amy didn’t realize you had game like that.

(8.x) Please take all of Kenzie’s suffering and give it to Hamza and John Combs

Awkward girl who thinks of herself as weird? Surprising calm confidence in dangerous situations? Incredibly down bad narration around a specific guy? Close enough, Natalie. Welcome back Arc 1-7 Taylor /j

Hookline and Kitchen Sink losing to an untrained civilian and a mostly techless Tinker they are never living this down 😭

(8.y) Every fanfic with Scapegoat in it should have him just randomly keel over with injuries from another Scapegoat’s healing (ik thats not how it works but it’d be funny)

Gotta love power synergies, even if it’s Teacher exploiting them. Also Valefor really does just keep winning (in terms of getting to use his power, probably not gonna be winning as Teacher’s thrall)

Dinah mention?? What’s she up to now?

And a Contessa mention. Not liking that Teacher has plans for her.

[kidspawn]

So. I love every character in TRC, with all my heart and soul. And I love them with the understanding that these dynamics and nuances of their interactions speak to their larger character themes. All of the protagonists are teenagers who feel very out of control in their lives and utilize varying coping mechanisms to regain external control that compensates for their internalized panic. They are dumb and hormonal and they make stupid stupid decisions and they hurt each others feelings because they are seventeen and all of them are seriously traumatized and continue the trauma train through all books.

Now, this feels like a safe space for me to not only admit I love Adam (if you can't tell by now please inform me so I can rectify this immediately) and he could have become the villain like originally planned and I'd have been rooting for and justifying him the entire time. So take everything with a grain of salt that I'm someone who thinks all his actions track and make perfect sense, especially considering who he is how he was raised and how he internalizes the environment.

So when I say that I don't see much nuance in the Gansey vs Adam dynamic when it comes directly to money and Adam's home life I mean it. Like I can understand that Gansey is coming from a good place, he doesn't mean to be condescending, and in his head he just wants to protect and love his friends. And we can tell that Adam positively adores Gansey, like an outrageous amount. Multiple times Adam has cited he's incapable of saying no to him. So when he does that should matter.

A constant theme of Gansey's character, especially early on, is the idea he can't speak without offending others. He's quick to make a verbal misstep. He doesn't think all his words through and he easily hurts others. This isn't even about the "repugnant" scene (that alone would have been enough for me cut someone off, especially considering Adam had just lost his hearing because of his abuser), or about Gansey saying Adam is just as bad as his mother, or any other time Gansey makes a particularly cruel jab about Adam's abuse. There is nuance to it, and I'll never ever say I hate Gansey because you know it's all about intention and Adam responds because he isn't used to people caring for him or how to not take it as pity.

But how many times do we see Adam calmly explain (and less calmly as the point continues to be pushed) why he can't accept Gansey's assistance or his money? Multiple times to Gansey, by the way, and more to others. It's implied it's an ongoing conversation. And Gansey steps over the line several times. He does what he can get away with and then pushes over and over. And I fully understand the intention, I cannot stress that enough, and I know it's because Gansey loves him so so much. But even if you boil it down to money, I truly think that if someone says "hey don't do [this thing] it pushes my boundaries and I need to handle my life in my own way on my own terms.' then it should be respected. And Gansey tends to push these lines and assume he knows how to handle situations better than his friends because Gansey is a very rich teenager who makes poor decisions, especially regarding money. He does it with Ronan, too. And you can have all the good intention in the world and still do something shitty in the eyes of another person. I see a lot of people say Gansey did nothing wrong and Adam is being an asshole and that fundamentally makes no sense to me. Not even counting the shit Gansey says to him, but the general attitude towards money and the disregard for Adam's very clear boundaries are an issue. I'm surprised they're defending because "Gansey just wants to help!" I'm very weird about money and favours myself and have a hard time viewing acts of kindness as something I need to repay (I got in a fight with a friend for buying me a present when I explicitly said not to get me one, I have a list of drinks or snacks friends have gotten me so I can repay them, etc.) and when my friends cross those boundaries I get pissed. And my friends and I are in the same tax bracket. Blue behaves in a similar manner to Adam surrounding money, and doesn't get nearly as much vitriol over it (Blue in general gets overlooked by fans but I digress.) Nevermind that Adam is a person who thrives on the ability to make his own choices, and his agency and sense of control is vital for his survival.

I think every character is deeply flawed. Every one of them. Gansey's flaws are a huge part of his story, his constant need for control (all of their needs for control) and his tendency to try and fix other people's problems to distract from his own. And it's difficult to criticize because it comes from a good place. If it was anyone else, it'd be unforgivable. But it's Gansey. And he truly doesn't consider this condescending or disrespectful. But when it's regularly laid out and explained to him it's hard to give him a pass. He speaks on how he doesn't want to be judged for his money, but he will use his money when he needs to solve a problem. (He will hate himself for it, of course. But nonetheless.) Because it's the environment he was raised in and its hard to put himself in a place where he understands why that can be inappropriate.

This isn't like... a major hate train on Gansey. I love Gansey. I really do. But pretending like the dynamic between him and Adam isn't as equally (if not more so?) influenced by Gansey's pushing of those boundaries is a huge misreading and a disregard for how beautifully complex Gansey is written. This primarily springs from my own TRC annotations and some posts I've seen swirling around.

[befuddledcinnamonroll]

Oh Heart Killers, please save me from this crappy week.

Damn, Bison! Effective, but cold.

I wish we could hear Thanon's internal dialogue here. "Wait, killing people?!?! Keen, I thought you were an admin!!!!".

Lol, Style being all "awww" at the hug.

Khaotung is so good at playing a little rage-ball.

You can feel his hurt boiling under the skin.

Ugh, trying to negotiate with the police. I know Kant has to if Fadel and Bison are going to escape prison time, but blech.

Jojo, you naughty boy, we all know why you keep giving Peter shirtless scenes.

Bitch, Kant didn't want to work with you in the first place! You blackmailed him! Don't act like he's an employee who failed you.

Wait...they just tied up this important businessman and handled him to the police? Lolol. Romcom logic, gotta love it.

Oh good, Style is with me.

Also, we have confirmation that Style has more than one friend!

Fadel, I am going to try and not be personally insulted by you calling yourself an "old man" in 20 years. But for the record, people in their 40s fucking rock. And you and Style are going to be hella hot 40-year-olds.

Heh, the way Fadel just immediately gets soft & squishy when Style is romantic.

In the category of "lines that you don't really think about at first, and then hit like a ton of bricks":

Wait, "only child"? Is that a translation thing, or did Bison just say "I never really bought into this whole adopted brother thing"?

I am laughing at how Kant is struggling to hide his discomfort, and Style is just totally fine. Of course he's a natural.

Um, he does need to work on his sleight of hand skills though. Not subtle.

Ok, I'm dying that Lilly apparently had all of this footage conveniently sitting around in her files, but I do still love Kant's line delivery here.

And Joong once again destroying me with his performance.

I AM NOT WELL

Oof, that was powerful stuff. Joong and Khao are killing it.

Noooo, I don't want my babies in jail! But yeah, I figured school bribery wasn't going to be enough incentive against Christ being able to claim he solved a bunch of murders. Also - "I always keep my word" - bullshit, my dude.

Paaaaiiiin

Pure pain.

Oh, you little liar Bison! If you came out and found Kant with someone else, that man would be beyond dead.

I want to taking in the seriousness of this scene, but also I am deeply distracted by Fadel's hand massaging Style's thigh.

"I want to be a good man who deserves everything you do for me"; well just punch me in the heart, why don't you.

Waaaah, this is so brutal!

Fadel has a dad now! And dad says Marriage Equality!

10 Things tribute time!

I love doting Fadel so much.

Bison traumatizing a child tracks.

Oh god, Fadel was digging his own grave. I am not ok.

On the other hand, this does explain how he gets along so well with drama-queen Style. They are really well-suited.

They are just so lovely together.

And love Fadel being in his green space with his green boyfriend. How he feels at peace both in that location and with that man.

Aw, I like the White Elephant Path, can we start using that?

Love the full circleness of coming back to the place of their first hookup, but with the emotional intimacy that wasn't there before.

Style wasn't a safe person in the circle before, but now Fadel doesn't need the circle, because he has Style.

Oh Fadel, you still don't see how worth fighting for (or waiting for) you are.

Hmm, burgers don't quite work for the whole romantic-feeding-one-another thing, do they?

Hehe, Kant wants to be marked by his dom.

Koala Khaotung

And again with the green!

Aww, their little talks to each other are so delightfully character-specific.

Do you think First tapped into feelings about being parted from Khaotung for Kant's tears? I think he did.

Oh no, Style sobbing is going to break me.

Omg, that preview for next week! Only this show could add romcom shenanigans to a jail sentence, lolol.

[writingquestionsanswered]

Finding Details to Go with a Basic Plot

Anonymous asked: Do you have any posts or new tips on creating the "fill" in stories?

I want to start here, because it's super important that we don't think of anything in stories as "fill" or "filler" because that implies it's "empty calories" there to take up unfilled space, and we never want to do that in stories. In stories, every scene--every event and moment--needs to be in service of the plot, characters, or world.

For example, I get an idea for a novel, like forbidden romance. My problem lies in figuring out other details, specifically in figuring out what would work for the plot (and what doesn't really matter). What would their jobs be? How can they meet? What interests/hobbies do they have? If someone has trauma, what was the traumatic event? My brain automatically looks for the links between everything, so it's hard to find a point of attack. I feel like everything has to interconnect to make sense - things can't be random or "because I say so." So when I have more of a plot idea rather than story, what approaches do you recommend?

If you have a general plot idea (like forbidden love) but you don't know how to flesh it out, it's probably because you haven't yet mastered an understanding of how stories generally work.

Stories are either character-driven, plot-driven, or a combination of both. Character-driven stories center around internal conflict, meaning a conflict within the protagonist's heart and mind. Plot-driven stories center around external conflict, meaning a problem in the protagonist's world. Stories that are both character-driven and plot-driven are centered around an external conflict while also exploring the protagonist's internal conflict. (And often that of the other main characters.) Plot Driven vs Character Driven Stories

Your protagonist's goal is always to resolve the conflict. In a character-driven story, that may not always be straightforward. Sometimes characters don't really understand their internal problem and so they sort of fumble their way through potential solutions as they try to fix whatever isn't quite right in them. In a plot-driven story, the resolution of the problem (the goal) is usually straight forward... take the ring to Mordor, survive the Hunger Games, pull off a heist to steal back the stolen art piece. Your character's pursuit of the goal, and the overcoming of obstacles placed in their path by the antagonistic force, is what makes up the action of the story. Then they finally face off against the antagonistic force in the climax, solving the problem once and for all. Understanding Goals and Conflict, How to Move a Story Forward, Basic Story Structure.

Here are some other posts that should help:

Guide: Filling in the Story Between Known Events Guide: How to Outline a Plot Beginning a New Story Finding a Story in Characters and Setting Finding a Plot to Go with Characters/Setting Turning a Barrage of Ideas into a Plot How to Turn Ideas into a Story

I hope that helps you start to pull your story into focus!

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[receivedhope]

i never quite know how to word it, but i do think it's significant that blaine's experience with homophobia is like the other head of the same beast that was kurt's experience.

the bashing is very brutal. and i think you could make a case that kurt also experienced something similar, but i think because kurt's was more... evenly spread out harassment, it was almost like the world was conditioning him to feel ashamed for having feelings, which also worked, more or less - i think sexy and tft has some shades alluding to these feelings of his. he internalized it like a dog who expects to get smacked everytime he's being bad and overeager, which i could see be a contributing reason for kurt's horrible tendency to just expect blaine to understand him.

meanwhile for blaine it was this one, huge traumatic event that has its own anniversary he can compare his life to and it is also just an objectively terrible thing to happen, treated with the appropriate severity of being whisked away to dalton - which is also why i don't buy blaine's parents being abusive (among other things, sorry) more like just him having a very complicated and nuanced relationship that he is not equipped to properly understand.

what helped me understand more of this vague feeling i had about the differences between klaine's experience with homophobia have been the knowledge that they foil each other and also the cough syrup sequence in omw.

blaine is popular, easily gets along with everyone and confident (or at least he projects it) which contrasts kurt's aloof individualism and cold exterior. it was needed to show to kurt that blaine, despite being gay, can be popular and well-liked, to have kurt stop internalizing being gay as his original sin. kurt knows he is gay and sticks to his guns, his kind of internalized homophobia is not one like dave's, it is being hesitant to acknowledge he is a teenage boy going through the same puberty as everyone around him. he does not think about sex the same way his peers do, which, again, makes sense with how furt in the first season and first half of the second season played out.

cough syrup seems to be a moment shared between blaine and dave. kurt takes a seat on the stage himself, because he is too connected to the scene before him to be relegated to a simple audience member, but he notably does not sing, he just spectates. he understands as much as he does not.

i'd argue that blaine's own exprience with his coming out may be more similar to dave's than kurt's. this is entirely just speculation because of the very limited info on sadie hawkins, but from the bullying kurt gets (by people not karofsky) it is actually far less focused on physical pain than it is on humiliating him. i think it's because kurt was always so scrawny and tiny and impossible to take seriously. meanwhile with guys like dave and blaine, who fit into far more stereotypically masculine roles, i can see why the boys around them would lash out much harsher. some feminine twink being into show tunes and fashion is just pathetic, but a guy they thought their equal for so long turning out to be gay triggers violence born from insecurity.

i know the above paragraph is way too speculative, especially because dave's onscreen bullying is just getting fag spray painted on his locker and people writing death threats on his fb wall, but i think if he had not made a run for it in the locker room, it would have quickly escalated into a gaybash, almost, based on nick (guy who saw him and kurt together at breastix then outing him) trying to provoke him and because it is blaine who is narrating through song.

blaine also gets the "alpha gay" thing, which i understand we all have our own opinions on, but there IS something to be said about "getting to" pass as straight and why kurt would feel resentful over that. kurt only came out to mercedes in acafellas and he even denied his ssa in the next episode to finn. he was targeted based on how he looks, sounds and his interests. which, btw, does not a gay man make.

meanwhile for blaine, he is so "normal" and straight-passing that he even questions it himself in biota. blaine, someone who loves fitting in, feeling too gay for straight people and too straight for gay people is his own personal hell. as a side note, i think kurt immediately asking if they are all gay in nbk already endeared blaine to him lol.

something similar happens with dave, too, i think. he passes as straight and hates himself for not actually being straight so he lashes out at kurt, the only openly gay boy at school and later we even learn he has been crushing on him for a long time (i think since theatricality but this post is getting too long already so i won't elaborate lol.) i think it's also worth to remember what blaine tells dave in nbk ("It seems like you might be a little confused, and that's totally normal. This is a very hard thing to come to terms with and you should just know that you're not alone.") because that may be the most apt summary, based on blaine already having had seen through kurt just a couple scenes prior.

blaine and dave dating in s6 because of this shared history with kurt but also these similar experiences is so interesting to meeeeeeee

idk maybe one day i will string these thoughts together more coherently but for now this is this

[makethosenarratorsfight]

UNRELIABLE NARRATORS; SIDE C

*NOTE; tie sweeps require a 50/50 with a 0.2 margin. additionally, the extra propaganda is at the very bottom, with it being kinda funky

Harrowhark Propaganda:

She gave herself a lobotomy and gives completely incorrect flashbacks to the previous book. Things that straight up did not happen. Gaslight gatekeep girlboss.

She’s schizophrenic (confirmed by the author) and also lives in a world with necromancy and ghostly revenants. She’s not just an unreliable narrator for readers, she’s an unreliable narrator of her own internal experience. She knows this and has to work with people around her to compensate for it. Descent into spoilerville below. Seriously Do Not Read if you want to read these books. There’s also the little matter about how she is *not actually the narrator* of a huge chunk of the story that we are initially led to believe is being told from her perspective.

(Spoilers) Holy shit she is THE most unreliable narrator. This gremlin gave herself a lobotomy so that she could forget about Gideon Nav, the most important person in her life (for magic soul-preserving reasons) so half of the second book in the series is spent gaslighting the reader about a book they just read. She comes up with an entire alternate version of the events of the first book in the series to carefully exclude any mentions of Gideon, and any time someone says ‘Gideon’ in front of her she LITERALLY has a stroke and/or an intercranial hemorrhage as her brain overwrites the word with someone else’s name. God occasionally intentionally triggers her memory revision to get out of difficult conversations. She also hallucinates ALL the time (unrelated to the lobotomy). She shows up at her frenemy’s room in the middle of the night (think little kid stumbling to their parents’ room and saying “I frew up”) to ask her to come check underneath her bed for the corpse that’s been wandering the space station. When frenemy checks underneath the bed, frenemy claims not to see anything, and Harrow is such an unbelievably unreliable narrator that it’s an open question in the fandom as to whether frenemy genuinely didn’t see the corpse or if frenemy was just yanking Harrow’s chain. Harrow is also haunted by a literal ghost that fucks up her already fucked up alternate history. Girlie will pick up a piece of paper and read from it the most violent and haunting piece of prose ever composed, when in reality all that’s written on the paper is the elementary school Superman S*. I am NOT joking that is a real goddamn scene. Harrow was created to win this poll. TLDR; she has brain damage and memory loss, she hallucinates, and is also haunted. * https://twitter.com/vestenet/status/1301012651145859072

Girl is so unreliable, she unreliably tells me events I was there for!!! She's retelling the previous book and I'm like "girlie, this is absolutely not how it happened". Also, she gave herself a DIY lobotomy, it has to impact your memory center I guess

She literally had a lobotomy, how can she be reliable

Gideon Nav Propaganda:

(Spoilers for Ht9) She just. Fully ignores most of the magic plot happening around her in the first boom to be a dyke. In the second book it’s even less reliable and it’s fully fucking insane. It’s first person but she’s telling YOU (harrow) what is happening and it’s impossible to decipher. The appearance and personality of every character is fully morphed by Gideon’s mean dykishness.

MASSIVE spoilers. Like even mentioning that this is a thing is a huge fucking spoiler. I normally don’t care about spoilers that much but I legitimately feel awful for anyone with even a passing interest in reading these books who has this spoiled for them. Anyway. Yeah turns out the second-person narration is actually a first-person narration by the dead girl living in Harrow’s head whose death traumatized Harrow (and the entire fandom) so badly that she literally lobotomized herself to forget it and give Gideon a chance at not having her soul digested.

constantly adds her own commentary, does not pay attention to the interesting moving parts of the plot bc she's too busy looking at pretty girls, cannot be trusted to read her own intentions correctly never mind anyone else's. I love her dearly

she just doesn’t notice or doesn’t give a shit about a ton of plot-essential information. Harrow and Palamedes are talking about a necromantic theorem that would blow open the entire story if we could hear them? You can instantly feel Gideon’s eyes glaze over and her mind wander to the nearest available hot girl, and our attention goes with her. It’s handled so smoothly that you might not even notice it happening until a second or third read.

More Propaganda under cut!

Harrowhark:

Harrowhark is simply the unreliable narrator of all time. Can’t remember shit because of a lifetime of trauma? Check. Maybe lying to yourself and those around you a bit? Most definitely. Being gaslit by the survivors you depend on to orient you to reality? For sure. How about a little bit of canon schizophrenia? She’s got it all. Ghosts? Or something? Spirits that are attached in some way to your body and are not perceivable by others? Sure, sure! But how about spirits that are attached in some way to your body and are gonna use you to hijack others’ bodies and maybe kill God, too? Absolutely. Wee bit of DIY brain surgery? If it would make you an unreliable narrator, friends, then Harrowhark Nonagesimus has been there, been subjected to that!

Okay I don't know that much about this series since I haven't convinced myself to read all of the first book, but this is my blorbo in law so I'd feel bad not spreading propaganda (all of what I'm saying is something I've read, as to prevent myself from straight up submitting misinformation). So all of Harrow's unreliable narration takes place in the second book, Harrow the Ninth. Basically, without her even seemingto acknowledge it, Harrow's brain is very fucked up during this book, to the point where even she's not sure how reliable her narrative is. There's many questions left unclear as a result of her fucked up little brain, like what's real, what's fake, whether we can trust her judgement, whether even she can trust her own judgement, whether her original cavalier is dead or not (Harrow is convinced she is), etc. Let me tell you, I adore unreliable narrators who aren't even that sure if they're reliable. I have yet to eat that trope up here in this circumstance, but this poll might not run again by the time I do, so for now, here's my messed up blorbo in law.

OKAY SO REMEMBER MY GIDEON SUBMISSION? HARROW DOESN’T! SPOILERS AHEAD BECAUSE SHE LOBOTOMIZED HERSELF TO FORGET GIDEON BECAUSE THAT’S A HEALTHY WAY TO GRIEVE AND THEN IN THE ONLY PARTS OF HER BOOK THAT SHE NARRATES (THE REVISED CANAAN HOUSE PARTS) IT’S LITERALLY A ROOM FULL OF GHOSTS HER BRAIN SUMMONED TO DEAL WITH THE FACT THAT SHE CUT HER BRAIN IN HALF TO FORGET GIDEON. she also is a) haunted and b) psychotic, experiencing hallucinations her entire life of both the ghosts haunting her and less supernatural hallucinations- bells tolling, bones rattling, her parents (some of the only dead people NOT haunting her), etc! in the revised history of canaan house that her brainghosts invent, she brings along someone who knows about her psychosis to help reality check her when she tells him go! her caregiver as a child and support when she got older, crux, is a horrible man- but at one point, when someone other than harrow is in harrow’s body and tells him “i am not harrowhark, i am sorry,” his response is simply “aye, you’ve said that before too. who are you then, if not my lady harrowhark?” showing his familiarity with her psychosis and his love for the child he wouldn’t dare see as a daughter. but enough about that lets talk about her unreliable narration! she lies about her feelings of course but she also simply hides the truth from everyone, all the time, compulsively. also literally the entire section of her book that she narrates is a lie she’s telling US about a lie she’s telling HERSELF and no one understands even a little bit of the truth until like the last act of the book. queen.

Gideon Nav:

Gideon Nav is all but useless as a narrator, and we love her for it. So first of all, she knows absolutely nothing. She grew up under a rock. Almost literally. When the plot is happening near her, she almost never tells us about it. Politics, history, and the magic system are boring. Let her know when there's something she can FIGHT. She also has very selective emphasis and focus that can change a scene completely without ever actually lying. She can tell the same story—to us, in her third-person narration as a factual recounting—and in one version the incident will be a schoolyard scuffle, while a later telling will reveal it to have been a near-homicide. She'll confidently interpret other character's motivations and emotions, only to later be proven wrong. But the thing that makes her REALLY unreliable? She lies to HERSELF constantly. She will tell us in her narration that she doesn't give a shit where someone disappeared to, and then spend the whole day searching for them. She'll say she hates someone, when. Well....

okay so i am actually going to do one segment about her own book and one about harrow’s so many apologies and also many spoilers ahead okay? okay so in gideon the ninth it’s a well known thing that she’s an unreliable narrator on two fronts: she lies to herself and therefore us about how she’s feeling and what she’s thinking, and also she isn’t paying attention to the plot at all. the only things she pays any attention to are hot girls, swords, and hot girls with swords. at one point she watches their only way out be sealed off and is so bored about it that she goes to sleep watching it happen, taking absolutely no note of “oh hey they’re trapping us here”. later someone asks IN FRONT OF HER “hey where did all our shuttles go” and shes like “😌😌😌😌😌😌😌😌😌” and still does not make the connection. babygirl. but THEN!!!!! in HARROW the ninth (MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD) gideon is the narrator the ENTIRE TIME (except for the revised canaan house parts) and not only does she editorialize, she also straight up lies about events and motivations! partially justified by her being inside harrow’s head, but like. babygirl. beloved. the interjections of “holy fuck” and “pommel” and othersuch things is so important to my mental health and wellbeing. thank you. thank you for lying to us so so much.

[greenerteacups]

Thoughts on sydcarmy? (figured i’d ask since you mentioned the bear in one of your asks.)

[normal person voice] THOUGHTS ON SYDCARMY? YEAH I GOT A FEW

To start from the beginning, I've been watching the Bear IRL as it airs, so I've been through all the hiatuses between seasons. And in season 1, I was the conductor of this ship. I was on the train basically from the minute they have that first bit of cooking synchrony in like episode 2 and my obsession with the coworkers-to-lovers trope perked its nose up, but I was promoted to captain when I saw the scene at the end where he grounds himself through a panic attack by thinking about her. Which — hey, by the way, sidebar? Directed to the writers of The Bear? I'm totally on board with the 'let's have more platonic bonds between men and women' stuff, I get why you like that story and want to write it, and seriously, platonic sydcarm, that's cool. That's awesome. But also: visualizing someone's face to anchor you through a panic attack — while in real life not at all inconsistent with platonic friendship — is an extremely loaded scene to drop in the middle of a narrative where the two characters in question have demonstrable chemistry and an intense but ill-defined bond, and your audience, which has been trained to close-read male-female relationships for signs of romantic interest, is going to read that scene as romantically intimate, if not sexual in nature. And they're not, like, ship-obsessed or whatever for thinking that. The visual language of your product does not exist outside of the cultural lexicon where it is being presented, regardless of your intentions. Anyway. [Sidebar over.]

Season 2, and especially the introduction of Claire, seemed to me like a Doylist way to address the SydCarmy train. The upshot to this is they do use this to talk about Sydney and Carmy being Weirdly Intimate Business Partners, and you get a lot of references to Sydney's jealousy, her disgruntlement with Claire, and Carmy's struggle to fuse the two worlds. The downside is that Sydney and Carmy no longer feel like the epic power chord at the center of the show, because Carmy's been shifted into this internal battle between Claire (who in many ways represents being Out of the industry) and Sydney (who, whatever else you can say about her, is very much In). And unfortunately for Claire, Sydney is just way better written. Like, I really did try to be fair to Claire, but it's not even close — and man, I didn't even feel like the writers were trying. Claire and Carmy's crush on Claire are introduced to the audience at the same time, and from there, she has zero scenes without Carm being either present or the subject of conversation. And like, that's so weird, on a show where almost everyone is rich and well-developed, and even the extended family in Fishes get little nods to their internal life. And I — I'm rambling. Point being, I think Season 2 took the wind out of SydCarmy's sails by making their dynamic antagonistic and strained by Carmy's obvious romantic interest in someone else, so I went into S3 with guarded optimism.

And then, like... okay. I'm a Sydney fan before I'm a SydCarmy fan, right? That man's cute and all, but she's the protagonist of this show for me. And at this point, I really do think the best thing for Syd is to get out of Carmy's orbit and go do her own thing. I don't believe in people being "too traumatized" for relationships to work, so I think a lot of the people blowing off Carmy as being "not ready" for love this season are full of hot air — but I do believe that Carmy's trauma is specifically impairing his ability to empathize with and care for Sydney, a fellow restauranteur and subordinate chef/protege, in a way that would make any iteration of their relationship satisfying to me. Getting him to that point would require the writers to dedicate a lot of storytelling and character development in a creative direction that they don't seem to be interested in. They are clearly interested in other things — worthy things! Cool things! Things that can make for a good plot! — but at this point, I was only interested in a version of SydCarmy that existed for about five minutes in the first 1/3 of the show, and it's time for me to face the music. I'm really excited to see where they take Sydney, though. I still trust the writers to do her justice, because they clearly know what a rare thing they have in her.

[lokiinmediasideblog]

One thing I've noticed abt Marvel iterations of Loki is that he has a toxic masculinity problem, but it's only when he's on the evil side of the scale. There are good guy characters who have toxic masculinity because the writers don't see it for what it is or they intend it to be a deliberate flaw in an otherwise good person, but with Loki his ability to respect women seem to be aligned with his general sense of morality. He calls Black Widow a gendered slur and underestimates her for being an emotional woman, but when he's abducted by TVA and has his redemption through watching a video he never disrespects women again and treats Sylvie decently even when she's openly antagonistic toward him. Same with the comics. Old Loki used to treat women like complete garbage, but his reincarnation made him suddenly drink respect women juice even toward ladies who are antagonistic to him or treat him unfairly, like the AllMother, whose authority he respects even while they openly blackmail him. I think it's interesting to see how Loki's dynamics with women are a measure of his current character.

On comics!Loki pre-reincarnation:

There's also the shift that he has more allies/acquaintances who are women now.

Before he had more women as acquaintances/allies, there was pretty much just Amora and Lorelei to a lesser extent. Him and Amora have an interesting dynamic in that he was the only man in Asgard on whom her wiles and enchantments didn't work (in the disparaging "not man enough" typical bs of earlier Marvel).

To me, Loki gave internalized repressed/closeted vibes back then. And Thor is an ideal that he can't reach and is constantly defeated by (And it's why I extremely dislike "Asgard is a socially progressive utopia and not a very toxic patriarchy" retcons). Asgard's cyclical nature is a metaphor for generational divides and cycles of abuse.

I (personally) interpret Loki's reincarnation as a last-ditch effort to escape his oppressive environment and Loki has to constantly fight an uphill battle to not get dragged back into it because everyone's trying to put him back in his former role or box. And as Ikol, they've managed to discover more about themselves, become a better person, and are doing somewhat better (still very traumatized tho).

On MCU!Loki:

I think it's a mix of Loki being the dark horse of the MCU (can't have the such a popular character saying those terrible things), Loki playing up his villain role to be taken more seriously, and things that were ok to show in 2012 are not okay anymore (and I remember a lot of criticism for that scene back then while a lot of people laughed about getting that past censors).

For example, Peter Parker is casually homophobic in the Sam Raimi movies. Tony Stark makes transphobic jokes in Iron Man (And that movie is an example of islamophobic white saviorism). And queue my annoyance with early 2010s badly written think-piece's fixation on Loki as a "character you should not like. you impressionable teen girl! you're going to get into abusive relationships!" when those exist...

Seriously, I'd be significantly less of a Loki fandom-wanker if it weren't for my exposure to the beginnings of "liking evil characters leads to DV irl" 2010s thinking in fandom and its over-focus on Loki.

Past the Doylist explanations, Loki's instances of toxic masculinity could be characterized as Loki playing up his villainy to seem more threatening. The two instances, he is trying to get a rise out of his opponent (e.g. Threatening to harm Jane to get Thor to fight him, calling Natasha a mewling quim). Outside his short villain career, he doesn't have such incidents (and I was surprised to see that he risked his life for Jane in T:TDW ).

[merge-conflict]

year in review

2023 is on its way out, and it's been... a year. First full year that I've actually been active on social media (i.e. not just lurking), and first time in fandom.

My first fic of the year? when her edges soften – the longer I wrote for Valentine and the more her relationship with Johnny got weird and intimate and full of casual innuendo the more I needed to write something where they were reunited. Also my first ever experience writing smut and self-indulgently adding a whole fencing scene. Goddamn that was fun! Feels like it's older than a year.

My favorite fic of the year? thread-safe – I became engrossed with cyberpunk because of Jackie but I imprinted hard on Takemura after that traumatic heist mission and perhaps the rest is history. Valentine's story has had a lot of tinkering and reworking and it was the thing that got me back into writing, but the original story in my head was something bittersweet and angry and grieving, one night only no encores, parting badly– and I finally was able to capture that in thread-safe and it feels so good.

Most fun experiments?? There are several of these. When I got stuck and discouraged and tired of working on the longfic and plotting things out I ended up working out a "shenanigans au" (fleeting fits of reason) where I could put Johnny and Kerry and V (and Alt and Rogue it turns out) together and just have them interact without plot. Well the plot crept in, but writing some loosely connected 1-1.5k pieces focused on a single scene or idea with minimal polish was incredibly freeing. Then I recorded some of my own podfic! I wrote a chapter of thread-safe in second-person! I wrote imago and decided to incorporate pieces of it into my longfic. Playing around like this has really kept writing fun for me when I don't have the concentration to play the long game.

Additional musings and personal reflections under the cut:

2023 the year sucked ass. It has been god awful. Just the fucking worst! Cyberhanami was in February? March? I remember finishing up some of my prompts that week while I was in another state with friends who were out and about while I was in bed too nauseated and weak to move. Writing was the only thing keeping me from going insane. My health has been shoddy, I had to cancel a much anticipated two weeks of international travel, spent at least two week long periods this year with anxiety so intense it made me almost physically incapable of eating. I had an incredibly expensive panic attack, and the world... things have been better!

I find it difficult to be honest about that sort of thing– my primary instinct is Not To Talk About any of that shit, because well... it's personal! And I handle reassurance about as well as I handle compliments (awkwardly. half in panic. friendly self-deprecation). But it feels disingenuous to celebrate accomplishments without acknowledging the yawning abyss we all struggle with from time to time. I remain cynically optimistic, as always, and I'm seriously grateful for all the connections and shared art and braincells and excitable messages, especially from folks tolerating my tendency to ramble onto tangents and use an oddly formal tone. I don't know what I'm doing, but who does? It comes easier with practice. It has to, right?

See you cool cats in 2024. :3 😼

[sevenciircles]

thoughts, praises, and critiques under the cut y'all! overall, it was't truth seekers (my favorite and what i consider one of the best) but it wasn't cherubs (the worst imo). it's decent, which is fine. perfectly average. this is all my opinion, take it with a grain of salt.

Let's start with the things I liked!

The very first thing that stood out to me was the ending scene. Not with Stolas and the phone, I'm talking the one with Blitzo. The shock in his eyes and voice when he realized that Stolas was not some untouchable being was good. That may just be good voice acting tainting my thoughts, but I do like the fact that it was acknowledged by Blitzo.

Whenever Striker was choking Moxxie, I actually kind of liked when he said 'harder'. It wouldn't have been the same if it came from Blitzo or someone, but since Moxxie said it, that made it a bit funnier.

I liked Striker's reactions to the comments rather than the comments themselves. He seemed traumatized and and just done with Stolas and his mouth. It was kinda entertaining to see him just being offended.

I liked Stolas not taking shit seriously until Via was brought up. I didn't like the fact that he was just making dirty jokes, but I did like that he wasn't scared or whatever.

I liked that we were shown how imps are treated by other demons. It just reinforces the heiarchy in Hell and how prejudice is everywhere.

I personally liked the random imps following Striker and singing the ballad, and the fact that it seemed to happen repeatedly. Idk I just liked it.

And I liked how it was established that Wrath IS IN FACT a poor ring.

Overall, this episode was for Stolas fans and it was obvious.

Now it's time for... the rest

I didn't even see the fact that the statue had a dick? I guess I wasn't looking at that. But knowing that, it's pretty ugh.

The Loona plot was useless. It established that Blitzo cares about his daughter first and foremost, but that was it. It was just pointless otherwise. Could have gone a deeper route rather than just 'fear of shots'.

Stella and Millie were both sidelined. They were robbed. Stella could have been way more calculating instead of just laughing and being an idiot. It took Andre having to explain things to her, and it just seems that Stella has become dumber. There are no real stakes with her, the big bad seems to be Andre now. I have issues with us getting a decent female villain and then having her turn into an idiot for the plot and for Andre to shine.

Now onto Millie.

She had less focus than Moxxie and Blitzo, somehow even in a Stolas focused episode, Moxxie and Blitzo were showcased rather than Loona and Millie. I liked that they made Millie and Moxxie working together, but I would have loved Millie having one on one time with Striker like Moxxie had. She was taken out early, and she didn't get her little take that moment like Moxxie had.

It felt a little disjointed.

now for my BIGGEST beef.

This is fully just my opinion. It isn't my show, I understand that. But I think a much more impactful moral would be Stolas and Striker beginning the process of not underestimating the 'littler' imps.

I would have LOVED for Striker to have a moment where he realizes he's in deep shit where Millie and Moxxie (so called vermin and not even worth killing) were beating his ass. Would have loved to see his disbelief.

I also would have loved Stolas seeing Millie and Moxxie kicking ass and realizing that they are just as capable as protecting and rescuing as Blitzo. He could have realized that his behavior towards them was condescending, and began an introspective about how he was raised.

Like Stolas getting over his internal biases would have been a great thing. Acknowledging M&Ms skills would have gone a long way. Or at least a thank you.

Stolas M&M as more than Blitzo's sidekicks or employees would have just been a pretty strong message. He WAS taken out by an imp and his life was put in danger by one and he WAS rescued by imps.

Once again, the episode was a solid meh. There were things I liked, things I disliked, things I would have done better, but that's all I can really say.

[justhereforthepies]

Just wanna thank the people in this tag for reminding me that sane people exist.

I guess you can't expect better when the premises of the book are diametrically opposed to one another. Of course, SJM can't square a circle.

- morally flawed complex aggressive protagonist AND selfless good 'pure' victim protagonist

- fair, moral leader who believes in equality & justice AND all-powerful autocrat

- rich city with amazing artistic culture, delicious food with international spices, and expensive fabrics & gems aplenty AND secret isolationist protectionist nationalist fortress city

- war as an evil, harmful reality that changes everyone's lives for the worse AND sexy, cinematic battle scenes where hundreds are vaporized, have their souls consumed, and are drowned by the protagonist's team (whose core members are personally immune to death)

- people are morally complicated, we should acknowledge that everyone has mistakes & regrets AND some people are 100% evil with no redeeming value

- intimate parter abuse includes isolating, controlling, aggressive, and jealous behaviour AND a love interest who does all of the former

It's difficult to address the first truths when you are writing in a genre (mass market fantasy adventure romance) whose narrative conventions typically rely on the second.

So SJM has the narrators say espouse the truths while the plot and characters act according to convention. She keeps the actual characterization and world building incredibly stereotypical, so much that her descriptions of people and nations become repetitive.

But people love repetition in storytelling, that's why tropes are a thing. So even when these thin caricatures are portrayed as completely different people from book to book, and from narration to action - they still act as readers expect them to because their actions are stereotyped so strongly in each scene. Some of the highest ranked (by kudos, comments, hits) fan fics on A03 could easily 'find & replace' character names to adapt them to almost any fandom with almost no tweaks. Because the characters aren't... characterized - they're just stock. They have complex and traumatic backstories, but those personal histories feel like distant gossip for all the effects that they have on a character's motivations and actions. The plot needs the actions, so the characters take those actions.

Luckily, a lot of those actions are smut that just so happens to coincide with some of the most popular fanfic conventions of the past decade.

So, the ACOTAR series sold really well, and honestly - the plot is a fun ride even if the disconnect between the text and reality is sometimes a huge chasm that was incredibly frustrating.

I think I was most frustrated at the 'mates' Feysand plotline because that trope feels sooooo lazy to me! It's fine where authors wanna 'skip to the good part' or do some morally complex dubcon, but this is a modern mass market novel... so why are we doing it? Couldn't SJM at least justify it somehow - like the characters were fated to help each other take some critical action so 'fate' (the cauldron, the mother, the weaver - any of those characters are readily available) tied them together or reincarnation or... anything?

Seriously, it seems like Feyre & Rys never even work as a team because the rare time they try, they get caught up in their feelings for one another. They are on the same side but always doing their own independent tasks that don't rely on the other at all. Or the text says they are 'working together' while they don't have matching objectives or perspectives because they are always lying to one another or keeping secrets.

No, 'mates' is just lazy. It's not needed, and it runs so counter to the "independence and freedom are core virtues" message the narrators keep saying (despite being imperialist autocrats in a semi-feudalistic society). It's one contradiction that she could have skipped, but I guess it makes money, so what do I know.

If anyone has reading recommendations, I'd love some.

[achillesuwu]

I see this take a lot and look, I understand and yes maybe it’s a part (or fully) of it for some people but I also think : we, queer people, are traumatized because we are used to be see as shameful, as something weird (something queer) so when people think it’s cringe we see it as an attack on ourselves BUT this is also internalized queer phobia to think that we should not feel second hand embarrassment because it’s two men in love. That we should all agree on how we experience stories. Someone feeling second hand embarrassment doesn’t mean that they think it wasn’t beautiful or should not be there. It doesn’t mean it is out of character for the show (it’s very much in character), people can enjoy stories even if they find some part cringe. It doesn’t invalidate your feeling or your view of the scene, be proud of how good you feel when watching it.

Also : I cringe easily (like no, seriously, when I was young I used to run away from the room and roll myself in the curtain and I 100% still do it now in extreme case *whisper* Miraculous ladybug. You know the one.), no matter if its a M/F, F/F, NB/F, NB/NB, NB/M or M/M romance like for me it wasn’t unexpected to cringe in front of this. It would actually be weirder if I didn’t because that would mean I see M/M romance differently than heterosexual romance.

hey not to be that guy, but for everyone looking at the Stede!Mermaid scene at the end of the Innkeeper and thinking it's cringe... do we think maybe there's some externalised shame here? as queer fans, our love, enthusiasm, skill and labour (fanfiction, fanart, etc.) has mostly been relegated to the shadows, despite it being the backbone of many shows/fandoms. to have that love & labour visually represented in an unabashed, unashamed, silly, CANONICAL and queer way? to have the very stories we devote our time to crafting for one another manifested on the screen in an unapologetically gay visual feast? that should be a fucking celebration.

it's okay. lean in with me. let's practice some radical self-love and healing in this chillis tonight. together. this is a love letter to us. lean in.

[zoobus]

I’m in love with bloodthirsty sapphics (preferably w/ traumatic backstories) who WIN! Can you share some recs, pretty please? Any media is fine; can be subtextual/based on vibes. I consider not dying/ending worse off as winning, yeah.... Examples: Homura Akemi (rebellion), Hideko (handmaiden), Lady Eboshi, Doona (sadistic beauty), Kirika & Mireille, Hild (vinland saga).

Black & White - these two women are so weird. Like this is good and I like it but their relationship is violent sex. I am not saying this is sexual violence, I'm saying they annoy each other until someone starts throwing fists. Then they hatefuck. This happens frequently. I recommend this. Official release in October.

Her Tale of Shim Cheong - Unfortunately no longer available on tappytoons. I know you said you want them winning, and they do but their wins are hard won, fought for inch by inch. This is an incredible story about systematic sexism. Systematic oppression is hard to write. Internalized bigotry is hard to write without sounding childish. Characters who are complicit and supportive of their own oppression are hard to write. Tale of Shim Cheong does it all, easy.

These girls are barely treading water in a society that thoroughly despises them and eventually it's time to say fuck society and fuck anyone who tries to come for my girl.

The Villainess and the Woman Who Would Do Anything For Love - Full disclosure, I liked this so much I translated several chapters, though I burned out after a weirdly aggressive fan tried to manage me like an employee. It looks like someone completed it though, so check it out!! Inescapable death loops and empty sacrifice! It's short and good.

The Antagonist's Pet - I waffled on recommending this one because this is either editorial meddling or flat out queerbaiting. The way Sasha (MC) interacts with other girls is gay. She's mocked by men for her overly intimate behavior with women. Her role is insinuated as that of a prostitute for aristocratic women. She is crawling into laps and snuggling up with *women.* Hell, the official translation made its header pic MC and Rebecca in an endgame couple post. Seriously, I was waiting for Sasha to say she worked at a lesbian hostess bar before she died.

The first time I read this, I was mad as hell about the love triangle between Arth and Rebecca because of course Arth will win, he's a man. But on second read? Poly. It's so obviously a mutually supportive Sasha-centered poly relationship. Of course that doesn't happen in the end but there was enough sweet scenes between the three of them that I can ignore the forced unrequited end.

I spent too much time convincing you this is gay instead of on the other thing, yes Rebecca is a bloodythirsty sapphic, and for once we get a quasi realistic look at a villainess overcoming fate. Too many of these end up over girlpowering characters, so it's satisfying when they're forced to acknowledge unsurmountable walls. That's half of why she's out for blood, imagine realizing you have natural talent in a sport that intrigues you, something you could have easily been a top contender in, better than the men even...had you not been coerced into wasting your youth on serving an ungrateful little loser of a king.

Also Lilith isn't gay but I think you will like her a lot.

[mikami]

hey there!!! i was thinking lately about the possibility of misa's way of perhaps relying on her cutesy/pretty/sexy aspect as a conscious or unconscious act of survival.

we know about the concrete traumatizing life changing experiences she's lived through. i wonder how safe it is to especulate what else she has gone through as a young woman who is a model.

& im curious abt your understanding of this aspect of her-- how do you think the way she presents herself to the world & others (both in personality & appearance) relates to her job? to the construction of the self as a product of consumption (especially w like i said, misa being a woman)?

does misa perform these things as a way to neutralize the harm of violence at the hands of men?

I'm not sure I would call it 'survival' exactly, but oh my god, Misa and gender performance is such an interesting topic.

I personally wouldn't headcanon further active violence into her backstory than we have been shown - I feel that if we're shown a characters formative traumatic experience (family death, stalking) that it's to give us a fairly complete picture of their life and motivations.

But at the same time, society is full of what I will now arbitrarily call 'passive violence' in the way women are put at a disadvantage. And definitely, her whole cutesy persona is in dialogue with that hostile world, navigating it and taking advantage of it.

I think Misa is an interesting case, because she is somebody who both entirely internalized gender roles for herself unquestioned and is deeply aware of how being perceived as a woman hinders or helps her in any given situation.

Like, on the one hand Misa is sexist society's wet dream. She is somebody who very sincerely believes that her place and fulfillment as a woman is at the side of a prince charming. She is completely convinced that her purpose lies in a relationship with a man.

Even though she's not the 'good wife' stereotype due to being a fashion subculture kind of girl (see: the Yagami parents' disdain of her), she's still holding these values close to her heart.

On the other hand, the way she weaponizes the perception people have of her is immediately front and center in her intro scene.

The VIZ translation here drives me mildly insane because the Japanese term she uses to describe herself here is "純粋な子" which in this context should roughly translate to 'pure young woman'.

It's not "Kira is nice to his supporters" but more along the line of "Kira is nice to good little girls". Misa knows she seems harmless on first sight. She knows her existence as a pretty frail teenage girl makes her an object of protective instinct to most men. But at the same time she juxtaposes it with the knowledge that she isn't just what she seems - as much as she adores Kira, she is perfectly confident that on the Death Note user power scale she's higher up.

Misa is fully aware that as an idol, she's a product to be sold. And that is where she personally finds her power - she doesn't protest female stereotypes and prejudice, she acts within those parameters to grab power from men unnoticed.

We see this most in her interactions with the Yotsuba Group, particularly Higuchi. Misa is aware she is desirable and she weaponizes that desirability against him. Presenting as cute, naive, soft and thoroughly attractive gives her power of manipulation. It is the capital she is used to bargaining with at all times.

In response to a world that is predisposed to take her less seriously because she's a dainty pretty girl, Misa has decided to intentionally curate that exact reputation for herself - only to then be able to use it to get her way. She's cute because men who want to get into her pants will do her favors. She's cute because how could anyone be mad at such a cute young woman acting selfishly?

I feel like we see that in her body language with Light - when he doesn't react as expected to her coming to see him against his wishes, she doubles down on the sweet body language and the "teehee, I am just an emotional little girl, you can't be mad at my pure lovey dovey feelings" act.

It's a neat mix because on the one hand: she clearly believes this about herself. She genuinely does think being a cute lovey dovey girl is her biggest purpose on this Earth. She genuinely enjoys being an attractive young woman (we see her dress up and act cutesy when she is by herself in her apartment after all). This is the self that she sincerely wants for herself.

But on the other hand she is so clearly aware of its impact. Her status as a product to be consumed is a constant bargaining chip.

Most heartbreakingly and extremely seen in the time after she loses her memories of being Kira and desperately attempts to buy her freedom by promising parts of herself to the assumed stalker.

Less heartbreakingly and more girlboss-y in interaction with the Yotsuba Eight, as mentioned before:

Self-objectification is an active practice of subverting power to Misa - exercising power without being seen as powerful and thus escaping the watchful eyes of those who could feel threatened by her.