#no really loneliness is his theme song

[prahacat]

#fml#i can't think about him too much lest i go insane#him and his big stupid castle and no-one to share it with#imagine your social life reduced to nothing but horrid powerful people‚ your psychpathic boss‚ your old family who now hates you and your -#- various apprentices that you occasionally fling lightning at but end up caring for anyway#i think that just does things to your brain.#you build up layers upon layers of awfulness with all sorts of fossils inside them#and in the process you get farther and farther away from your core while also putting more and more pressure on it until it boils#which is why i really like the “he'd rather burn them down than allow them to continue to fester“ part#it's so on point#at his core he's a teacher and someone who cares so much but his circumstances compress those traits into something kinda twisted#and boy you're gonna need a BIG excavator to take some of that pressure off#anyway sorry for the ramble and the sediment metaphor but. ughh this guy#he really gets my little brain gears grinding#meta#count dooku#rael averross#qui-gon#UGHHH (prev tags by @rochenn)

May I ask about your Star Wars fanfics? I wanted you to know I really enjoy them to read on my off time!

May we know your opinions/ headcannons on Dooku and Qui gon's relationship?

How was there dynamic during there early years?

Do you think deep down in when dooku is alone in Sereno, asleep he dreams of seeing his old padawan one last time?

This lyric comes to mind I added on to it.

"Alone and forgotten, i never thought he'd look at me again, but he smiled at me, and I held him.. just like I used to do. Like I used to when he was scarred as a child. Or maybe he was holding me?

Holding me to the light as he used to hold me and look at me, those eyes so full of hope and admiration"

You may absolutely ask me about my Star Wars fics! Thank you for reading my stories! (I swear one day I'm going to finish off those WIPs, aaaaaaaaaa).

Caveat that I'm not as active in the fandom these days (on a bit of Star Wars sabbatical), but I do feel (and I'm someone who melds Master & Apprentice, Jedi Lost, and Dark Rendezvous into canon as I see fit) that in contrast to Dooku's relationship with Rael (which was surprisingly casual, especially as Rael aged. This, if I may be allowed a small tangent, is probably a combination of Rael's aggressive form of charm and Dooku's inexperience and youth)

...but anyway, in comparison to Dooku and Rael, there's this...distance, on the surface, that Dooku keeps from Qui-gon. Their relationship, at least the trappings of it, is more formal, their roles more defined. (This being said, anytime Rael pops by and the three of them are together, those neatly constructed walls start to crumble). This doesn't mean Dooku doesn't care about Qui-gon. He cares, deeply. But as we see in Tales of the Jedi, Qui-gon's apprenticeship years mark the true beginnings of Dooku's disillusionment with the Jedi Order and his slow fall to the Dark Side. And I think part of this detachment from Qui-gon (even as he shows a ferocious protectiveness over him) is, in part, Dooku trying to shield Qui-gon from his more insidious desires and actions. (This backfires, on more than one occasion, when Dooku chokes the crap/lightening attacks/otherwise manhandles out of various enemies who were either threatening his Padawan or were obviously part of the bloating corruption that was metastasizing across the entire Republic).

And to get back to their relationship, we have Dooku being a little more standoff-ish. A little older, a bit more bitter, in general. And young Qui-gon is less outwardly brash than Dooku (at least when he was younger) and Qui-gon is definitely intimidated his new Master. (Although he respects him as a teacher and while Dooku is an exacting, demanding instructor he is also always fair. Whatever his personal troubles are, Dooku is never anything less than a damn fine teacher).

So yes, Dooku cares. Qui-gon's death had no small part in his eventual choice to join the Sith and I have no doubts whatsoever that he dreams both of Qui-gon and Rael regularly as he lies alone in that gigantic, empty bed on Serenno. (I think Dooku, as much as he was trying to manipulate Obi-wan in AotC by bringing up Qui-gon's name, was also being completely honest with Obi-wan in that moment. Actually, he was wholly honest with Obi-wan that entire scene and got shot down due to - at least as Dooku would have seen it - Jedi indoctrination).

And it's this caring that helps to bury Dooku in the end. Caring about his Padawans. Caring about the Republic. About Serenno. About the Jedi. For a man that is so stoic and proper, he is passionate and invested in the future of all the different organizations and governments and societies he's tasked with defending (to the point he'd rather burn them down than allow them to continue to fester). But more than any of that - the Jedi, the Republic, Serenno - Dooku is a teacher. A teacher who is instructing in an intense, one-on-one relationship that puts him in the position of half-mentor/half-parent. We see it when he and Rael embrace after meeting again years later; we see it when Dooku asks an adult Qui-gon for information about this Sith, to protect Qui-gon; we see it when Dooku is forced to turn on Ventress; we see it when he tries to recruit Obi-wan again and again (and, for the record, does not kill him in the bridge scene in RotS when he easily could have crushed Obi-wan with that platform).

This is all to say Dooku cares. And that, to some degree, was exactly the problem.

[cherryobx]

Turn up the music okay any fletcher song for rafe but these two together undrunk and bitter

Undrunk and Bitter

a/n: love both of these songs sm!

pairing: Rafe Cameron x reader

summary: you and Rafe broke up but some feelings still linger

warnings: suggestive themes, language

wc: 1.4k

How long will it take for your feelings for someone to go away? How long does it take to stop loving someone? Even if that someone is so bad for you.

You and Rafe broke up almost a month ago and you feel like every day is worse than the last. At first it was easy. You cried, got all of your sadness and anger out of your body. But then arrived the longing and loneliness. 

You miss him. You miss waking up in the same bed, his arms around you. You miss going on dates with him. You miss him giving a ride on the back of his bike. The little things.

But the relationship between you ate you up inside. You loved him but also knew you deserved better. You deserved more. That’s why you broke up with him. It was probably the hardest decision of your life. Because where do you find the strength to let go of the person you love more than anyone else?

“I can’t watch you mope around anymore.” Your friend Grace sits at the edge of your bed where you’re currently lying, staring at the ceiling deep in thought.

“Top’s throwing a party tonight. We’re going.”

You know you don’t have the energy to go but you also don’t have the energy to argue with her. And that’s how you end up at Topper’s house a couple of hours later.

You know he’s here even though you haven’t spotted him yet. Rafe. You can feel it in your bones. 

“I’m gonna get a drink,” you tell Grace who’s engaged in a conversation with Kelce about who knows what and she dismisses you with a wave. 

You sigh and try to find your way to the kitchen. Passing the living room, you see Rafe on the couch with a pretty girl on his lap. His eyes meet yours for a second before someone addresses him and he turns his attention to them.

Yeah, you definitely need a drink now.

How is it so easy for him to move on? It makes you wonder how much you really meant for him. How much the relationship and later the break up affected him. Did you really mean so little to him?

You finally find the kitchen. The counters are filled with various types of alcohol ranging from light stuff to hard liquor. You head for the latter. You down shot after shot and soon enough you feel your head start slowly spinning and your worries floating away. It feels nice. It helps you forget about him for a second.

“Rough night?”

You turn around and some guy is leaning against the counter, a red solo cup in his hand.

“You could say that.” You give him, what must be, a sad smile.

“What’s got you drinking like that?” he asks as he scoots closer and takes a sip of his drink.

“Life.”

“Fair enough.” He laughs. “I’m Trevor.”

“To you, Trevor.” You salute him and take another shot, grimacing at the taste of vodka in your mouth. He offers his drink as a chaser and you happily take it and down that too.

You introduce yourself to him and the conversation starts flowing. The alcohol keeps flowing too. Soon enough his hands are everywhere at once and you’re making out in the secluded hallway.

It feels nice. You feel wanted again. You haven’t felt that way in a while and crave it more than anything. There’s a little voice in the back of your head that keeps nagging at you that it’s wrong to use someone to get over Rafe. But it feels so good and you can’t help but want more.

“Y/n.” You’d recognize that voice anywhere. Rafe.

You break away from Trevor and see him approaching. His fists are balled and even the way he walks indicates that he’s angry.

“Get the fuck away from her,” he snarls.

“But-”

“Step the fuck back!” 

Trevor backs up with his hands raised in defeat.

“Walk away.” Rafe instructs him and he doesn’t argue. So much for that.

“Are you okay?” he asks almost softly, his hands on your upper arms on both sides of your body.

You shove him away. “What the fuck is wrong with you?”

“What the fuck is wrong with me? You’re the one hooking up with strangers in the fucking hallway.”

“So? You can swap spit with girls all night but I can’t do the same?”

“No.”

“What do you mean ‘no’? We broke up, Rafe. I can do whatever the fuck I want.”

“You’re drunk. You’re not thinking clearly. Let me take you home.” He takes a step closer but you take one simultaneously back.

“Fuck you. I’m thinking more clearly than I have in a while. Why can you move on but I can’t?”

He pinches the bridge of his nose. “I’m not moving on anywhere with anyone.”

“You’re trying to tell me you didn’t fuck that pretty thing before you came here? Nice try. I need space from you, Rafe.”

“First of all, I haven’t fucked anyone since we broke up. Second, I’m taking you home.”

“Yeah right. I don’t believe you. She was all over you.”

“Like that guy was all over you?”

You shut your mouth. “That’s none of your business.”

“It is. You’re still my business whether you like it or not. Now, you can come with me willingly or I will physically drag you out of here.”

“I’m not going anywhere with you.” You cross your arms on your chest and stand your ground, which in a literal sense is difficult because you’re too drunk for your own good.

“Stop being difficult.”

“No.”

He sighs before he makes a quick move of picking you up and throwing you over his shoulder. You’re like a sack of flour. Absolutely helpless and pathetic.

“Put me down!” You hit his back with your fists but that does nothing to help. He’s unaffected.

“I’m gonna throw up all over you,” you threaten. It’s actually a real possibility due to the fact that your head is furiously spinning and you can’t make your left from your right.

“I don’t care.”

People stare at him weird as he carries you through the house, while you’re kicking and screaming, to the driveway where his car is parked.

Very surprisingly to everyone around Rafe, he’s sober tonight. He didn’t plan on staying sober but when he saw you enter Topper’s yard through the living room window his heart made the decision for him.

He drops you in the passenger seat and buckles you up before walking to the driver’s side and hopping into the seat. In the few seconds he was outside the car you managed to unbuckle your seatbelt but he pulls it across your body again and locks the doors so you can’t escape. 

“I hate you,” you snarl at him and cross your arms once again, angling your body towards the car door on your side.

“Don’t care.” He backs out of the driveway and starts driving towards your house.

You rest your head against the cool window of the car and stare at the passing scenery. 

“Why do you care so much?” you ask.

“What?” He looks at you for a second before turning his gaze back towards the road ahead of him.

“Why do you care?”

“About what?”

“About me. We broke up and here you are, taking me home after cockblocking me.”

He scoffs. “I can’t stop caring about you overnight, Y/N. That’s not how it works. And even if I wanted to I couldn’t.”

“You looked like you could. Plenty of girls throwing themselves at you. Take your pick.”

“I don’t want any of them.”

The rest of the ride passes in silence. He helps you out of the car, into your house and to your bedroom. He even tucks you under the covers. 

“Why don’t you want other girls? You can, you know.” 

He leans down and presses a kiss to your forehead which makes you instantly close your eyes for a moment of bliss. For a second, you’re thrown back in time when you were together and he used to kiss you goodnight every single night, even if it meant driving over from his place to yours to do so.

“I’m waiting.”

“For what?”

“For you to love me again.”

You open your mouth but no words come out.

“If you remember this in the morning, text me. We’ll talk.” With that he stands up, turns off the lights and leaves, softly closing the door after him.

[smakonca]

Finally! After two months of work I finished my Nightkiller animation.

As you can probably guess they were my favourite ship for a great while now. And I felt the urge to create a little something for them 'cause my interpretation of them both as characters and as a ship differs from their canon versions. Aaaaand I absolutely love this song.

So yeah! Please enjoy and reblog if you like it! I put a lot of blood 'n tears into this.

Credits:

Killer belongs to rahafwabas

Nightmare belongs to Jokublog

Song: Нина by OQJAV

The story:

As we all know, Nightmare was in need of a henchman, so he went to Killer's AU to recruit him. This was the main reason, right?

But why was Nightmare interested particularly in Killer? There are plenty of Au's to find subordinates or slaves. Why of all people or monsters was he the one to catch the king's attention? 

Even Nightmare himself does not know. Or maybe he knows. But some things are better when left unspoken. 

He was fully aware of what happened in Killertale and knew about the horrors and suffering Killer had to go through. He wasn't perfect. Nor was he the easiest to manipulate. 

But then again... Why? Was it a simple interest? The loneliness that followed him throughout the centuries? The need for negativity? Or something else? 

Perhaps something even Nightmare won't ever admit. 

A little spark of sympathy. 

After killing everyone in his AU countless times, Killer realized there's nothing left of him. Nothing that would really hold him to his world anymore. He made a deal with a human so as to feel "something new" only to find himself bored again. 

Not only that but he also crossed the line of his morals, betraying everyone he once cared about. Until even their departure meant nothing. He survived through the loss, the pain, the blood on his hands... 

And here he sits. In his once favorite bar. With a glass in his hands. Feeling nothing. Nothing, except for boredom. 

Then suddenly… he appeared. 

And he walked in. 

Without a greeting or a proper introduction. Demanding for a drink. 

His entire silhouette screamed that he was dangerous. Dangerous, yet graceful.

Dark emerald bones, a giant coat and four strange appendages behind his back, resembling tentacles. 

Nightmare was always the one to leave an impression after himself. But this time, however, he didn't go straight to the point. 

He wanted to know whether Killer was worthy of his offer.

So Nightmare made a joke. A bad one, indeed. Mocking the Killer with the loss of once his dearest friend and bartender. Grillby. 

But Killer surprised him. 

Instead of panicking, asking questions or going for Nightmare's throat for such arrogance, he didn't even flinch. 

Instead he smiled. With a twinkle in his black eye sockets. And poured him a drink. As Nightmare demanded. 

Killer felt a slight cold when the stranger sat near him. 

Something was telling him not to trust, not to listen. Not to even look at him. 

But there was no one to talk to anymore. There was no one alive anymore.

Except him. An enigmatic stranger. 

He said he was a traveler. A seeker. For the lost and forsaken by fate. 

They talked for a little. Killer wouldn't remember the theme of the conversation, even if he tried. 

But Nightmare... He never forgot. And never will. 

As Killer will never forget the moment the mystic stranger offered him a hand. And an opportunity to leave this place. Once and forever.

An opportunity to feel something new. 

Killer knew it wasn't a sane thing to do. But there was something about a person sitting right next to him.

Was it his inscrutable and sly smile? Was it a strange sense of pain and cold, which followed him as a perfume? Or was it a strange resemblance of Killer's own appearance? 

However, Killer knew for sure that his conversationalist made him feel something he did not feel for a very long time. Or maybe he forgot how to. 

A pure curiosity.

He looked in Nightmare's azure eye yet again. And he spotted a little spark too. As he was waiting for Killer's decision. 

He hesitated a little before finally accepting the offer. 

Killer felt the tentacles envelop him, as the world itself disappeared before his eyes. 

In a slight panic he looked into the stranger's face. He let out a short laugh and finally told Killer his name.

The life of Nightmare's subordinate wasn't an easy one. 

The king of negativity pulled the strings as he wanted to. Playing with Killer as he wanted to. 

Poisoning him with his own hate and guilt. 

And yet Killer stayed. He thought of this as a punishment. For everything he has done to his family and friends. He felt like he deserved it. 

For a long time Killer despised Nightmare. 

He went with him in an attempt to forget about his past. Only to be captured instead. Turned into a murderer, who enjoys hurting others, enjoys the suffering he brings. 

Nightmare was alone for a very long time. So when Killer joined his company he did not know what to do with him for a great while. 

He thrived on his subordinate's negative emotions. Destroying any memories about sympathy towards Killer he once felt . 

He wanted to be seen as dangerous, unmerciful and bloodthirsty. Because that's what the world demanded him to be. Nightmare thought it was the only way to receive respect. The only way to be himself... 

But times have changed. As did the relationship between these two. They became closer. 

It's hard to deny that they both were lost, longing for someone to be by their side. Someone, who could understand them. 

Nightmare unintentionally started opening up to Killer. Showing that there's a little more to him than just cruelty and arrogance. 

They became fond of each other, but it still wasn't affection. 

Nightmare did this out of boredom. After all, when you live for such a long time you tend to forget how mortals view their existence. You forget how to enjoy the world around you. Because in the end you're going to outlive even the time itself. 

Killer did this mainly to find Nightmare's weak sides. In order to hurt him like he did. And finally be free. 

And yet sometimes they felt peace while being in each other's company, becoming dependent on each other's existence in their lives. 

It all changed suddenly when risking his own life Killer protected Nightmare during their mission. 

And the king was confused. 

Why did he do it? Why despite all the things Nightmare did to him he still stayed? 

Was it dependence? A blind obedience? 

Killer also did not know. 

Part of him wanted to run from Nightmare, but part of him wanted to stay. 

Maybe because he hoped for something better. For things to change. As Nightmare was the only one who made him feel something. 

At that exact moment he felt like he had to protect. 

This occasion led to Nightmare being interested in Killer's behavior towards him. 

He decided that he wanted to play with him. To manipulate. To destroy him as a person. And see for himself, whether he will stay with Nightmare. 

But it wasn't only that. 

All his life Nightmare didn't receive anything but hate. He does not know how to show genuine affection towards someone. He does not know how to love... Or how to be loved. 

That time when Killer valued Nightmare’s immortal life more than his own. That exact moment of pure determination. This is what made Nightmare question their relationship. 

No longer was Killer a regular pawn. A tool in his useful hands. He was something more…

Nightmare felt like he started to worry about Killer when he went on missions. He sought for his company. 

He started to show affection. And care. And he wanted to get rid of them immediately. 

He wanted to be this immortal being without weaknesses. Without anyone dragging him down. 

So Nightmare decided to "play cards" with Killer. A game for his own life.

Killer knew it from the start. He learned every little detail about his boss, realizing how scared Nightmare actually was. Scared of being alone and scared of truly caring about someone. 

And behind all the masks Nightmare wore he managed to see the truth. 

The king was lonely and lost. Pathetic even. Desperately wanting someone to care about him. Even his royal image couldn't hide it. 

Killer thought the two could play this game.

After all, there was no victory for both of them. Nightmare knew Killer would lose to him anyway, but wasn't aware that his loss was inevitable too.

Since then both of them wanted to stay close. They never said it out loud. They perhaps never will. But they were busting with desire to be together.

Killer started first by offering Nightmare a rose. A red one. After all, red is a color of both blood and love. And roses are extremely beautiful. Even if they are full of thorns. 

As Nightmare himself.

The king of negativity was baffled. How could he allow it? How could he start to care? 

He tried to hide it. With the glass full of wine, which represents all his negative emotions. The poison. No one will ever want to drink. 

Or... not? 

And then he received the rose. Received Killer's offering to him. And accepted. 

And also offered him a drink. As once Killer did. Finally allowing himself to be weak, to show affection.

They shared a moment of passion together. 

Even though it hurt, even though it was painful, they managed to find peace for once. 

Killer smiled at Nightmare, for the first time in a long while feeling happy. 

Of course such positivity hurt Nightmare. Burned him like fire. But it was a fair price for an opportunity to be loved. To truly matter to someone. 

And he smiled back. Sincerely and tenderly. Allowing himself to break the chains and love. Allowing someone to love him back.

Unfortunately, happiness doesn't last forever. 

Nor does life. 

Nightmare knew this day would come. He knew he was going to outlive Killer anyway. But he was trapped by his feelings, trapped by the sweet poison of love. 

And he lost him. Killer turned into dust in his arms.

And while he was dying he cracked a little joke as Nightmare once did to him. Laughing in the face of death itself.

Nightmare was punished by fate itself once again. For his arrogance, for his cruelty. For looking down on life. 

There's nothing in this world more painful than losing someone close to your heart. 

And he lost Killer. 

The only thing left of him was his jacket. And the rose, which soon wilted. Leaving Nightmare alone in his castle.

Until the end of time.

[animentality]

I got sad because I realized that the only good relationship that Dark Urge and Gortash had was with each other.

Gortash got sold by his parents, was abused in hell, barely escaped, and then spent the rest of his life plotting and scheming and refusing to get close to anyone, ultimately even selling another child he took in to the same nightmarish life he'd once escaped from.

Dark Urge was forced to kill their foster family by Bhaal, and then went to a Bhaal temple, where they might've been worshipped, but I highly doubt that the murder cult weirdos really thought of them as a person, and not just an object of worship. It is awful lonely up on that bloody pedestal. Plus the way they beg Bhaal for forgiveness for liking Gortash makes me suspect that it's never happened before.

And then I hold my little heart in my hands and weep for the two of them.

Because I know gortash is a piece of shit who refuses to break the cycle of abuse. And I know the dark urge has murdered a shit ton of people and enjoyed it too.

But...but...your honor ...I still feel sympathy.

I still felt sadness in the house of hope, when that asshole admitted he used to beat Gortash black and blue for fun.

I still felt grief when I read dark urge's letter to their god for ADMIRING someone.

For caring about a person.

And then I found out that dark urge had been living a normal life until they killed their foster parents.

You can say that dark urge enjoyed it, but I just don't think that's the case.

Baldur's Gate 3 has some laughably evil villains but there is nuance. There is humanity in most of the characters, good, evil, and morally gray. Even big baddies. Ketheric Thorm notably has a rather sad backstory full of grief, loneliness, and love turned to madness, Gortash was broken as a child by parents who shattered his ability to care for anyone but himself, and even Orin, if you confront her about Sarevok's relationship to her mother, can even be seen as a tragic figure. Like what the fuck, her own mom tried to kill her as an offering to bhaal.

Maybe all bhaalspawn are laughably one dimensional villains with absolutely no human traits to them, but that's just fucked.

One of my favorite themes is how everyone is a slave to the gods, their playthings, their disposal tools.

Poor Ketheric Thorm said it best when he said that we're just copper pieces to be traded, that we might have beaten him, but the gods beat him first.

He's so right, man. Most if not all the companions are slaves to Gods and devils.

Dark Urge was a slave to Bhaal, just a means to an end, a sharpened blade pressed against the world's throat, and Gortash was the plaything of devils, traded away by parents who didn't care about him, a powerless little boy who'd grow up to be a tyrannical power hungry despot.

I choose to believe they recognized each other. They worked together initially because they had their own agendas, and were doing their usual song and dance of manipulating others, but the more time they spent together, the more they actually liked each other.

They were genuinely friends, or lovers, and it's sickening and it's driving me mad, and it's all so sad.

[chaos-bites]

🐺 Subtle Fenrir Worship 🐾

Practice patience and compassion towards yourself

Spend time with any pets you have, especially dogs; play with them, walk them, give them a bath, etc.

Leave a dog treat or bone on your windowsill overnight for Fenrir (please keep your window closed if predators are in your area!!!)

Feed neighborhood dogs, cats, birds, etc.

Have a candle that reminds you of him (no altar needed)

Wear jewelry that reminds you of him

Keep a picture of him in your wallet

Volunteer at an animal or homeless shelter

Engage in random acts of kindness; hold the door for someone, buy someone in need a warm meal, offer to help someone carry stuff, etc.

Support animal/homeless shelters, environmental preservation organizations, or any cause you're passionate about

Have a stuffed animal wolf or snake (snake for his brother c:)

Have imagery of wolves, breaking chains, swords (broken swords especially), or the sun/moon, especially being chased by wolves (Sköll & Hati are said to be his children)

Fall asleep/meditate to the howling of wolves or sounds of the forest

Eat meat that you enjoy; get some good protein in your diet in general

Take a walk/hike in the woods or nature

Learn about healthy coping skills for stress, anxiety, depression, etc.

Make your space comfortable; make it your own!

Tie your hands together with string, and cut or break it as a symbolic breaking of chains

Sing a song, play an instrument, or listen to music in the evening or night (like a wolf howling its song)

Write poetry/stories about wolves, nature, chains, loneliness, friendship, or other themes within Fenrir's myth

Light fire or bonfire at night; sit in front of the fire and simply be at rest for awhile

Go camping; sleep under the stars out in nature

Drink something relaxing that you enjoy or mead; raise a glass to Fenrir

Learn a new survival skill; something that would be useful out in the wild

Allow yourself to feel your feelings; cry, shake, scream - whatever you need to do

Find a healthy outlet for your emotions; drawing, boxing, crafting, writing, etc.

Learn about self-defense; learn how to protect yourself (including weapon use if needed)

Try using your pet as a grounding presence; pet them, focus on their soft fur or smooth scales or fluffy feathers, notice how they feel calm and safe and let that tell you that you can be calm and safe as well, etc.

Ground yourself within nature; try to meditate there if you can

Stand up for yourself; practice being vocal about your discomfort or upset

Assert your boundaries; learn what your boundaries are; know that not all of them need to be spoken - they can be silent

Find healthy outlets for your emotions; boxing, dancing, drawing, writing, singing, etc.

Practice healthy conflict resolution skills; learn what healthy conflict resolution looks like

Spend time with your loved ones

Do something nice for your loved ones; cook them a meal, give them a gift, watch their favorite movie together, etc.

Cook a good meal for someone in need, especially one that's really filling

Engage in activities you're passionate about

Learn about your local flora and fauna

Go foraging (SAFELY!!!! RESEARCH FIRST!!!!)

Make a list of goals that you'd like to achieve - long-term and short-term; celebrate any progress you make towards these goals

Celebrate your accomplishments, big and small (making your bed, getting out of bed, eating breakfast, taking a shower, etc.)

-

For the time being, this is my list of discreet ways to worship Fenrir! I hope you found it useful. I'll likely add more to it later on. Take care, y'all!

Link to Subtle Worship Master list

[briebysabs]

This new Yunho song really has me reflecting on his previous song he did I think last year to call out to those struggling with sui@idal thoughts and Wooyoung’s cover to Logic’s 1-800. And these two must’ve related enough to the themes, Wooyoung even has a tattoo that’s says “I’m never alone and I will never be”.

And I just think it’s heartbreaking that they battle with such loneliness when everyone including the members describe them as the most bright and lovable ones of the group. You really don’t know how these idols have lived their life up until now and things they keep secret. And makes you wonder how things would’ve turned out if fate didn’t work the way it did.

And I’m gonna call it fate because so many things aligned just right for ATEEZ to exist it’s wild. Wooyoung was a trainee with Yeosang at bighit (hybe now), a big company and he had large chances to debut but he left it all to succeed or fail with Yeosang. If he had stayed, he might’ve debuted with a more popular group. But considering the stuff coming out about hybe (not saying KQ is perfect the kpop industry in general is ruthless), I think wooyoung would’ve been much more suppressed and might’ve been in a worse place mentally. He wouldn’t have met San and regardless how you interpret their relationship, they are soulmates. San is constantly giving Woo the love he craved, the love he struggles to receive. He wouldn’t have met his ‘friend until the end’.

Then you remember Yunho and Mingi knowing each since 9th grade, coincidentally applying to the same company without telling the other and both passing. Then you have Seonghwa who had hit a roadblock with practice and was told about a boy his age who worked hard and got into a company. Inspiring him to push even harder and he just happen to get accepted to the same company as the boy who turned out to be Hongjoong. Even the revelation that San and Jongho are from the same Choi clan making them distant relatives.

It was all meant to be. They were meant to find each other, to find their treasure.

[uriwoos2]

The Last One. (ksw)

pairing: sunwoo x gn!reader. genre: hurt/comfort, fluff, friends to lovers. overview: sunwoo comforts you after an unpleasant event. you go for a drive in his car, in the sunset. a confession at the beach. kissing. word count: 3k. warnings: depictions of feelings of anxiety/social anxiety and loneliness; self-conscious and self deprecating thoughts. please avoid reading if you find these themes triggering. ♡ notes: I'm finally giving this a try! I'm super excited to write on here!! the beautiful pictures sunwoo posted on ig made me think of the idea for this fic. I got inspired to write it while I was feeling really down myself, and even though it's pretty self-indulgent, I felt like I could share it here, in hopes that this might comfort anyone else who needs it. it took me a week to finish this, but I enjoyed every moment of it. I'd love to hear what you think about it!! like & reblog if you enjoy <3 with love, cream.

♪₊˚ song: tejano blue — cigarettes after s*x.

it's so loud.

you can hear the noisy chatter of the people in your group, bantering and laughing out loud.

what are they laughing so much about? are they laughing about.. about me?

you sink in your seat, hands in pockets, body slumping even more than before, aiming to merge with the chair. your eyebrows set low, unknowingly glaring at the group.

"hey, you okay?" one of them calls out, making you perk up, but you know it isn't a genuine question, so you lower your eyes, nodding briefly.

a scoff. "it's no use talking to them, they're not gonna answer you." another voice retorts, clearly tipsy. you try to pay it no mind.

it was fine before, they didn't care much. why now?

but before you can come up with an answer to your own question, your thoughts are interrupted with laughter, even louder this time.

they're laughing at me.

the discomfort that gradually began setting in since you first stepped into the building, was about to overflow. so you go to stand up and leave, while your mind imagines the remarks they could be throwing at you.

"leaving already? so boring."

"they're so weird"

"wow, that's one scary kid."

"not worth our time."

"yeah, you better leave."

real or not, it didn't make much of a difference for you. you still cared, it still bothered you, no matter how miserable that might sound. the non-spoken words, thought up by your own mind, sharp and piercing, biting at your skin. you brushed your hands on both of your arms up and down roughly to rid your mind of the thoughts.

it burns.

so much for trying to socialise.

you awkwardly squeeze through people crowded in groups outside, keeping your eyes on the ground, paying no mind to where you're headed.

you just need to get away from there, as far as possible, and quickly. you don't even check your surroundings, as your legs seem to be taking charge right now, shaking but not able to stop moving ahead.

I'm so embarrassing. I'm so disgusting.

you're continuously reminded of what happened at the bar, the image seemingly stuck in your brain. the mocking laughter replaying over and over, taunting you, leaving no choice but to think about it.

why can't I just do it the way they can, what is wrong with me?

they all seem to like it.

why doesn't it come naturally to me too?

why do I have to force myself?

you walk with your head down, trying to hold in your tears. you knew this wouldn't end well, you didn't expect anything from it, and yet,

I'm pathetic. I'm disgusting. and I'm miserable.

I knew this wasn't a good idea, why did I even..

they all probably hate me now. the way I am.

I feel so sorry for myself-

there's a halt in you thoughts, as in your steps. you notice you've bumped shoulders with someone.

wait- what am I doing, where am I?

you frantically take a look around, only to find yourself in an unfamiliar place, yet again, the anxiety sets in. you have no way of telling where you are.

the sun will set soon, too. shit-

you walk around in hopes to find a way to get back to your place, maybe think of something. but, you remember-

sunwoo has my location! yes. he'll help.

you mentally thank yourself for thinking of that, taking your phone out to text your friend.

"changed my mind, come get me please."

the reply is almost instantaneous, as it always is whenever it's sunwoo you're texting.

"be there in 10. stay where you are."

a sigh of relief escapes through your lips, your shoulders feeling lighter, knowing you'll be on your way soon. but you still need to-

I have to go back to that place.

reluctantly making your way back to the bar, you linger nearby, just so sunwoo can find you, but far enough not to be spotted by anyone else. pulling your hood up, you put your hands in your pockets, shifting back and forth, unable to stay still.

it's fine. it's alright now. it's over. he'll be here soon. I'm okay..

letting a big puff of air out, you try to steady your stance, your breath shaky. you lean your elbows on the railing in front of some shop, as the light from inside gives you shelter from the darkness of the street.

I wish I didn't have to be like this.

you tuck your head into your arms.

this always happens, I don't know why I thought this time would be different.

I should've never come.

I'm shameful.

I'm ashamed!

regardless of your efforts to hold back, you still feel a single stubborn tear touch your skin, staining your sleeves. a sniffle. you can't be crying like this outside,

but I've already embarrassed myself anyway.

another involuntary sniffle, and a tear on the other side of your face. it's gotten colder. there's a warm hand on your shoulder.

frightened, your head springs up, eyes frantically searching for the person the hand belongs to. your body slackens in his grip. thank god. the hand on your shoulder moves to stroke your back.

"I'm here." a gentle smile.

you feel the tear streaks drying on the sides of your face in the light breeze as you look back at sunwoo. you're so drained that you feel as though you've lost the ability to form words, so you can only hope your eyes are able to relay your thoughts to him.

I'm exhausted.

sunwoo's gaze shifts between your eyes trying to gauge anything that hints at your mood. his other hand comes up to wipe your cheekbone. and it stays there, holding the side of your face.

a quiet gasp. "god, you're freezing! I should've been quicker. I'm sorry." he retracts his hand on your cheek. the one on your back guides you in a certain direction, your body completely relaxed and yielding in his hold. you're safe now, sunwoo knows what to do. you know to trust him.

before you know it you feel warm again. even though the roof of sunwoo's cabriolet is folded, even though it's even colder now, even though the breeze blows rougher. the warmth seems to be spreading from within, a feeling, your heartbeat slow and steady. sunwoo buckles your seatbelt for you and closes the door.

don't go.

he rounds the vehicle to get in his seat on the other side. you knew he wouldn't leave, but

still..

"I'll pull the roof back up in a minute." he has taken off his jacket and it's now spread over your lap. "I didn't know it'd get this cold, should've thought of fixing it before coming to get you." he halts his movements when he feels your hand on his arm.

I want to feel the breeze.

"you want me to leave it?" a mild nod from you, eyes downturned. he gazes back at you, eyebrows furrowed. "okay... but put the jacket on properly, the breeze is strong."

when you don't make a move to comply as he instructed, he leans over and carefully adjusts the jacket so that it covers more of you, giving you a sliver of a smile. a whispered, barely there "thank you" escapes through your lips, which he responds to by patting your head. he's so warm.

soon enough the blow of the wind picks up, as sunwoo starts driving. you lean your head back, resting it on the headrest. the bitter gusts of wind crash into your face, turning it red, keeping you awake. you can feel the frigid air burning your skin, soothing your body. your eyelids drop to focus on the feeling as you take in a deep breath.

that feels nice.

I can breathe again.

you open your eyes and look out the window. the city lights are harsh and bright, dazzling you, making you squint, your view of them softening.

"are you cold?" asks sunwoo in a low voice. yes. but it feels good. slowly tilting your head, you face him, beyond him a glimpse of the beach.

your gaze fixes on sunwoo, eyes listless. only now taking notice of his appearance. laid back in the seat, his elbow rests on the door, the other hand grips the wheel. his arms are bare, making your eyes linger. soon enough they shift to look at his dark hair flying around with the wind. thick eyebrows set firm in concentration. eyes half lidded, but alert. you can still see the restlessness in them. he keeps stealing sideway glances at you, eager to grasp your thoughts. you pay it no mind, because..

he's so beautiful.

and most of all, his skin is glowing golden even in the dark, now illuminated scarlet as you stop at a red light. he turns his head toward you, "hmm?"

ah,

you forgot he'd asked a question. that snaps you out of your dazed state effectively. blinking rapidly to rid your eyes of the haze.

shit, I got distracted.

clearing your throat, your voice raspy, "sorry. no, I'm not cold." you fidget with the sleeves of your hoodie. you hear him sigh softly. he's facing ahead again, the light green. "you.. are you okay?" you can hear the concern in his voice and your heart swells.

"yeah, I'm good." averting your eyes from his face, feeling sheepish.

your response doesn't seem to ease his worry, "you can talk to me, you know I don't mind. I'll listen." his words so gentle, you barely hear them.

he's so kind to me.

your eyes shift to your lap. sunwoo's jacket has slid down, and you can see your fingers picking at the skin on your hands.

why... does he treat me like this?

when other people seem to have given up on me completely?

he's too kind.

"I..." you try to form an intelligible sentence. an exhale- "I'm alright. I'm just fine.. if you're with me." you try not to look over at him. "everything sort of.. feels okay when you're here." you breathe deep, in and out. voice trembling, "I just want you to know that.. I'm thankful- for everything you do for me. even though, I don't get why you do this... I know I can be... difficult. to understand, and to talk to most of the time. I guess, I'm grateful that you try. and that you've kept me with you despite.. that, I don't give anything in return. and I'm sorry." you trail off, tears welling in your eyes. "anyway, just thank you." you finish with a sniffle.

sunwoo is quiet. you're too afraid to meet eyes with him, so you keep your head down.

why isn't he saying anything?

did I make him uncomfortable?

you wipe your nose with a sleeve. another awkward sniff.

should've just stayed quiet. it wasn't even that serious..

I'm sorry for being like this.

however, before your mind can make your grey thoughts into a whirlpool and suck you in, you see colors seep into the darkness. you look up in surprise and find the source. the car has come to a halt. the now setting sun seems to be casting the purple-pink light on the waves just before you.

"it has never once felt like that to me." you turn your head, the beams reaching his face too, making you stare. he's looking ahead.

"our.. friendship. I have never thought of it as a chore, a challenge- maybe. purely because we're so different from each other, there's a lot to consider. but.." he shakes his head, lowering it, "oh my god- I always thought of this-" he gestures between the two of you. "as something precious, something I needed to protect. if anything, it felt like it was you keeping me close." he brings his head back up, but still doesn't glance your way.

...what?

eyebrows furrowed in deep confusion, you question, "you.. but, why? there's nothing I have to offer, I mean.." he brings his head back up, concern evident in the way he looks at you. you avoid his eyes, bashful. "you're.. you're so ordinary. you know.. you can befriend anyone, do anything you want.. you're likable, and I don't know.. I'm- I'm just me. and I can barely take being alive, at least..." you sigh shakily, it's so hard to talk about this. "but that was before, now I don't think it's all that bad. and it's all because you came into my life." you didn't even notice you'd started to cry, until you felt sunwoo's thumb on your face, wiping the tears away. you let him, eyes glazed over.

he makes this even more difficult than it already is.

he retracts his hand. you shift your eyes once more. "you know, whenever I think of myself, I'm always out of place. nothing comes naturally to me, like it does with others, and it- it's so frustrating... it's lonely. and it makes me hate myself. but.. weirdly enough, all it took for me to feel at least a little bit normal, was one person who understood me, understood my pain. who listened to me. you're my link to the rest of the world, the only thing that keeps my feet on the ground. I- I really don't know where I would be right now, if you weren't by my side." you feel more silent tears escape.

my whole existence is disgraceful.

but I don't regret this, he has to know how much he means to me.

even if I look like shit in the process.

"I know it's selfish as well, that I wish for you to stay with me forever. but.. truly, you're the sole good thing in my life." you've never felt so exposed and vulnerable before, putting your heart on display, right in front of sunwoo.

"it isn't. selfish- I mean." he catches you off guard, so you turn to look. you notice colors dimming on his face, the sunset imminent. he's got a warm expression on his face, one full of tenderness. "well if it is, then I must be selfish too. because I can never imagine my life without you in it either." he leans over, resting his elbow on the armrest in-between your seats. "it honestly breaks my heart that you think that way about yourself, I wish I could take those feelings away from you.." he reaches over with his other hand and takes your hood off. you can feel your heartbeat pick up. "I don't know how much I'll be able to help, but I can promise, that I'll always try to. I'll be here, whenever you need me." his gaze shifts to the top of your head briefly, patting your hair into place. "and I need you with me, just as much. so, don't ever think like that, okay?"

you should've known better than to doubt sunwoo's feelings. he's the one that gets you, even if no words are exchanged. of course, he'd understand. he always has. I'm so grateful to have him. you feel emotional as you wipe the remainder of your tears, sunwoo waiting patiently. but.. it's hard to focus right now, when he's just

he's so close.

your heartbeat picks up, alerting you of the proximity between your faces. you can feel the heat of sunwoo's breath on your ice cold face, as you try to keep your own even. try to keep your mind clear, aware.

oh god...

he eyes your lips for a moment, and you can hear it in his slightly quickened breaths-

he feels it too.

your eyes lock, and you feel like you're going insane. with the way he's looking at you, gaze filled with longing. with the way his hand's still resting in your hair, tugging at it softly. with the way your heart just can't seem to calm. with the way your faces have frozen into place, neither moving an inch to break the distance. it all makes you want to..

I desperately want to kiss him.

"I want to kiss you." you're not even sure who asked the question, because it was whispered, and because you're too tired to make sense of anything. "...can I?" oh, it was him, after all. his voice so soft, but breathy- rushed with desire.

please.

instead of answering, you pull him in by the back of his head, rushing to connect your lips. your eagerness visible in the intensity of the kiss. this stuns sunwoo for a brief second, but he meets your lips, mouth turning up at the sides. he steadies the kiss, slowing you down.

..finally.

he holds you by the jaw. your lips moving in sync, almost naturally. you pull at his hair. you can feel him smiling into the kiss at that, letting out a deep whine.

he's driving me crazy.

the kiss can't last forever, having to pull away to take a breath. you can feel the dissatisfaction in the way sunwoo whimpers. it pleases you, to know he yearns for you the same way you do, for him.

I can't believe we just kissed.

your faces remain close still, seemingly unable to pull apart, now that you've connected. the sound of your heavy breaths and the waves crashing, the only thing to be heard. you wait for each other to regain oxygen back in your lungs. sunwoo's cheeks are flushed cherry, but you're sure yours are worse.

I can't believe I just kissed sunwoo.

he holds your cheek in his palm now, thumb stroking the blush on it, gaze filled with adoration. his eyes twinkling, telling you all you need to know about how he feels for you.

is this really happening?

sunwoo's half lidded eyes are relentless in raking over your face, noticing every detail, staring. but it isn't uncomfortable, you don't feel self-conscious. you feel seen.

"you're beautiful." he confesses with care.

he likes me.

he finds me beautiful.

his bold words don't make you question their genuineness. you feel confident in the way you look from his point of view, you know you're beautiful, because he sees it.

tightening your grip on his hair, pulling a strand, you look at his swollen mouth, your words coming out hushed, "you have no idea, how long I've waited for this." he ducks his head, smiling shyly. ...he's so.. cute.

bringing both of your hands together, you cup his flushed face.

pretty.

you take a moment to study him. he lets you. after a few moments of silence, he whispers "me too. I've longed for you.. without even realizing." he's a bit hesitant in his words, avoiding your gaze. you didn't know shy sunwoo would come as a punch to your heart, making your affection for him grow.

so adorable.

smiling softly, you lean in to taste his lips once more. this time you make sure to go slow and sunwoo melts into the kiss. he moves his lips according to your pace, kissing you back tenderly. you feel content in his presence, his lips touching yours, comfortable and familiar.

I feel so... warm.

you gently lift your lips from his, but stay near, foreheads joined together. you can feel the breeze biting. your mind screams at you, begging, to connect your mouth back with his again. sunwoo's low breaths grazing your lips not helping the case.

I miss his touch.

the side of his mouth upturned, as if reading your mind, sunwoo briefly brushes your lips with his plump ones.

I need more.

but brief isn't enough. you yearn for him, his touch in the way that wouldn't be sated with a momentary peck. a noise of frustration leaves your lips, and he catches on, finding your impatience cute.

a chuckle, his lips back on yours.

perfect.

[cybertronian-reader-imagines]

How would Rung, Drift, Rodimus, and Swerve help a fellow bot deal with loss and loneliness during their time on the Lost Light?

((It's not really made clear in this if Reader lost someone due to death, a bad breakup, or something else, so take it however works best for you!))

TW: Mention of religion (no points for guessing which bot brings it up lol), mention of alcohol-like substance

Everyone aboard the Lost Light was running away from something. For you, it was the only person keeping you on Cybertron slipping away, leaving a crater in your spark that made a ship full of crazy seem pretty good, actually - it was, at least, better than being alone.

You have the good sense to actually talk to Rung about this, and he's very encouraging. Maybe running wasn't the best way to deal with the grief but, well... What's done is done, the ship ain't about to turn back to make you face your emotional problems. On the bright side, meeting new people would still be the best solution back home, and there's plenty of people to meet here! He encourages you to give yourself the time and space to grieve, but not to lock yourself away either.

Drift, bless his spark, seems to think the solution to all of your problems would be converting to Spectralism - a new paint job in colors representing renewal and honor is a great way to deal with loss lingering in the spirit, he says. You're not so sure about that, but you let him give you a makeover anyway, and just getting to share stories of your lost loved one while he works does help. Not to mention a little self-care at a time like this goes a long way.

Rodimus is basically the opposite of Drift. Instead of helping you talk your feelings out, he's there to distract you from them as much as you need, whenever you need it. Want to watch this really confusing Earth movie Whirl insists is the best thing fleshies ever made? Want to see how long it takes the two of you to drive Ultra Magnus (and later, Megatron) insane? Want to go on an incredibly stupid adventure? Done and done - he gives you a much needed break from working through all of it every waking cycle.

You'd expect Swerve to be a lot like Rodimus in this respect, but it turns out he's actually quite the listener, and even cuts in with some shockingly thoughtful advice from time to time as you sip your drink, on the house. "Honestly, you couldn't be in a better place to feel lost and alone," he says. "From what I've heard over this bar, the Lost Light could have its own theme song about that... Sometimes, I think I have more therapy clients than Rung." You wonder if he realizes how little he's joking.

[hazelfoureyes]

A Doe in Fall (part 11)

⟢HumanAlastor x FemaleBurlesquerReader - A Doe in Fall

A burlesquer with a penchant for conning men, you find your latest game interrupted when your next mark saves you from an aggressive fan— by killing him. The chance encounter left you curious, still half convinced you could complete your normal chase. Unbeknownst to you, you were the one being tracked.

Part 1 - Pretty in Red smut💦 Part 2 - Liar smut💦 Part 3 - A Tragedy smut💦 Part 4 - Enough Part 5 - Too Much Part 6 - Learning smut💦 Part 7 - Recognition smut💦 Part 8 - Trust sexual 🥵 Part 9 - Shiny Things Part 10 - Good Deeds Part 11 - Caught 📍 (this bitch is getting long) Part 12 - Eddie

Horny? Not this story yet but….Don’t worry, just wait a couple days… 👀 💦

Part 11 Caught

Taking time to cast out the line and wait for the big one to take the bait.

「Warnings/Promises: Human Alastor x Fem!Reader, jaws theme plays, fishing, sweet as fuck, and then not sweet, prostitution yelled into a crowd, rough hands, I won’t say the word ‘paddy wagon’ because the history seems to be targeted at the Irish in America so it’s called a wagon here」

Minors if you violate the MDNI I will toss you back into the river lie the pinfish you are 💥 🎣

Peaceful. Your head on his chest. Even breathes, strong heart. Corporeal. Real. There with you. A ritual to whoever brought you into his embrace, every morning you lied against him and you stared out the window. Past the greenhouse, where the woods were allowed to run wild and you knew the animals therein were safe to exist as they were meant to. Everything and everyone in their element.

His fingers would make little circles and pattern eights along your shoulder blade. Your gaze out and forward, his intently focused on the ceiling fan; then and there.

Occasionally he’d spell a word across your skin  to see if you were paying attention. Today: B R E A K F A S T ?

He didn’t want to interrupt the sounds of the radio on the dresser with the half hearted question.

He carried your plate out onto the front porch, the swinging bench as much a perfectly suitable place to eat as anywhere else. You both tended to enjoy the back porch, but he felt an urge for novelty.

As you nibbled, he stared at the car. He didn’t really want to leave, but he wanted to go somewhere with you.

“Can I take you to the water? We could fish. I’m in no rush today.” You were unsure, tilting your head a little when he asked. He had offered before but you admitted you didn’t know how. “You’ll have time to shower before work.” His index finger came over and waited for yours to hook into his.

Alastor was beyond smitten watching you and your trousers bound down his steps. Hand in hand, in the early morning breeze of the impending fall, he led you through his property to the water’s edge.

A small cup of earthworms he scrounged up while you changed, two poles from the shed, and a bucket he hoped would have fish soon enough.

As a child he often ran through the woods of his home and played pretend, and as he got older and his imagination shifted he would fish for his mother. When his friends began to date and pair off, he’d hunt animals in a parallel kind of chase. 

They took home gals, he dragged in rabbits.

And when his mother died, and the food he brought home was more than he needed, he stopped venturing past the clearing. That trek home to a bright house, his mother waiting on the back porch surrounded by the chirps of crickets was something he cherished.

But then her silhouette was gone. And the cricket’s song became one of loneliness. The walk to the house now a chore, a thing he had to do to get from Point A to Point B.

Pulling you by the hand past the field and its tall grass, into the shade of the trees where the air was so cool it bordered on wet, he wasn’t so worried about the return trip. No tedium in the navigation now.  

Alastor wasn’t loquacious as it were, but when he did feel like talking he talked. He could, and did, name every species of fish that lived in the river. The ones he liked to eat, the ones he liked to look at, and the fish he didn’t care for much at all. His mother’s favorite was bluegill, and he said it was the scariest fish when he was young.

“The fucker has spikes!” He said it like he was introducing a villain, “I grabbed one once and it flexed these spines and I dropped it. I broke a pole trying to beat one to death once because I was too scared to pick it up again.”

You’d never fished. Not because you didn’t care for it, it just wasn’t what you did. Your mother didn’t take you to rivers or the sea. You stayed in buildings and parks near people. You could see the water, just never really interacted with it. Luckily, Alastor was ecstatic to teach you. 

He saddled up behind you and explained how to cast out. It took a few tries to get it right, the release of the line a little tricky to get down at first. You could see the shine of the reels and could tell they were expensive and unused. Easily they were worth more than three dollars a piece. He bought two of them… when? The thought brought a silly, crooked smile you couldn’t contain. 

“A friend accidentally hooked his own back once.” You watched the way his gaze seemed to soften as he was looking into the distant past.

“I hope he’s gotten better at it.”

Alastor shrugged. 

Oh, right… Alastor had friends in a sense, but never had he really introduced you to someone that was remotely important. No one he lit up for, no one he invited over, no one he completely relaxed his put-on smile for. You had to wonder where they'd all gone.

“Do you ever see him?”

He shook his head, “He has a life now.”

Your chuckle wasn’t meant to be cruel, but it came off a little too incredulous, “Do you not have a life?”

He didn't look at you, which was the loudest indicator he wasn’t fond of the question. He cast out his own line, waiting to reply until he could settle, “Sweetheart, do you really think I’ve been living a life compatible with his? Or any of them?” He pulled back on the line a little to feel the tension, “Wives get uncomfortable inviting over single 40 somethings like myself. And I can only stomach so many surprise female dinner guests at such things.”

You felt like an ass. 

Being a single man at his age, with a good job, a car, and land, made people uncomfortable. A lifelong chosen bachelor is fine, a rake is expected, but someone who seemed to be disinterested in dating and in fooling around? You could imagine the looks on their wive’s faces, asking questions that were thinly veiled insults.

What do you do for fun?

Is it difficult to find respectable dates when you work in jazz?

So, you’ve never been married, is that right? Not even close?

A mood change. You waited a moment to let silence kill the topic and asked, “What is the catch you’re most proud of?”

He thought for a second before a lopsided grin spread and you felt your heartbeat relax. “A gull.”

“A gull?!”

Alastor cackled, doubling over at the memory. “I threw out my line and as it flew through the air, a gull passing by grabbed the worm. It fought me for a minute before managing to get loose.” He ended up squating, blue jeans rolled up at the ankles and covered in spurs you just now noticed. “It looked as confused as I was.”

The morning was spent reveling in new and useless information about each other. Your fear of dogs, his fear of armadillos (someone told them they had the plague). The time you accidentally walked into a stranger’s home, the time he startled an old woman because he was standing too still in a store and she thought he was a mannequin.

Moments of intimacy intermittently interrupted by a tugging of the fishing line and excited easing in of the prize.

The fuckers did have spikes. You reached out for your first successful catch and the barbs pricked you. With a hurried step back, your short heel sank into the dirt and you lost your balance. Your ass hit the ground hard, and you needed a breath before you could reply to Alastor’s worried questions.

“I’m fine”, just embarrassed, you assured him before picking up your shoe and throwing it, “I have to go home and change out these shoes.” Leftie smacked against the tree with a soft pop.

“Bring over a few pairs, if you have them. I’m sure a pair of mom’s could fit you, you can wear them home. We could toss these into the river. Shoot ‘em. Run em over.” He retrieved the thrown shoe before kneeling to remove the other one. He touched your ankle, eyes shooting up to monitor your face for any pained expressions. “Burn ‘em.”

“First my stockings last week and now my shoes? You’ve gone fire-happy.” You wiggled your toes for his peace of mind, “It’s okay, I don’t have many shoes. We’ll reconcile someday.”

Alastor sat down properly on the grass and dirt of the river’s edge and took off his shoes and socks. You thought maybe he was trying to commiserate somehow, until he shoved the socks into the toe box and slipped one onto your foot. 

You warned he didn’t have to do that and he flashed you a look, his smirk alone called you a hypocrite and made you go silent. “You can’t perform with tattered feet or a rolled ankle.” He laced them tightly, “I know where the stickers and ant hills are, I’ll be fine.”

Your eyes wandered over the bucket of water and fish, the worms in their cup, and his bare feet on the grass.

“Who taught you to be such a well rounded gentleman?” A rhetorical question, mostly. 

“My mother, of course.”

“Your father didn’t worry you’d be too soft?”

“Ah, apparently not. He left before I was born,” Alaster fidgeted with the straps of your shoes. “He hadn’t considered,” every word was measured, “the realities of,” you could see him searching for the words in real time; this was a conversation he had never had before, “of being with my mother before knocking her up.”

The ‘family planning’ conversation on the kitchen table fluttered back to you.

“Oh, can I have permission to hate him?” Always the easiest emotion.

He clicked his tongue, hands busy looping your shoes together by their straps and then attaching them to his belt loop.

“He left her the house and the land before going. Kept his promise to help take care of me, in that sense. So, no. I think indifference is fair enough.” He grabbed your fish by the tail and placed it into the bucket. “Kinda funny though, had he stuck around he’d have seen how the only thing I got from him was his biggest worry: my complexion!” A joyless laugh, “But I’m just like her in all the ways that matter.”

It came out before you could think it through, “He didn’t love your mother?”

He winced. “Cowards can love just fine, I think. Maybe they love the hardest actually.” You nodded, knowing this wasn’t a philosophical debate where your opinion was needed. “I mean, what kind of man just gives away his only assets?” Alastor leaned over to fix the collar of your blouse, “A scared idiot in love, of course.”

You wondered about ‘family planning’. In their age it was nothing short of guessing and lamb innards. It was impossible to pretend you knew what his father would have lived through had he stayed. But you knew very well what Alastor lived through because he left. New Orleans was different than many other parts of the country when it came to mixed children, but the attitude was less acceptance and more a baseline tolerance for their existence.

The conversation, and shoe change, brought a natural end to the morning. Alastor helped you up, taking the opportunity to brush off your backside. 

He led you until the clearing, he knew the land was flat there, and slowed down to let you walk a little bit ahead. The view of the house was much more inviting with you in it.

As promised, a shower. Originally alone, Alastor sitting on the toilet seat talking to you about dinner. Then he got quiet. He startled you a little when he peeked behind the curtain but everything settled when he got inside and his hands wrapped around your waist. Kisses for kiss’s sake. Skin on skin just to feel closer than you were before. A hum buzzing his chest as you hugged him tightly and wasted some water. Well, ‘wasted’ is subjective. The warmth radiating off his stomach rivaled the shower’s spray. You knew there wasn’t time for a nap, but the comfort was so deeply rooted you worried you’d fall asleep in his arms then and there. 

His mothers shoes did fit, a pair of her black double straps with a nice wide heel replaced your T-straps and their damned thin one. The offer and action of presenting them to you was bigger than could be acknowledged. It was clear in how he wiped them clean with drilled in focus and set them in front of the bed for you like the main course of a fancy meal. The way they’d been kept packaged and neat in the guest closet. 

“Throwing them away seemed a waste. Glad they could be of use.” He said it so casually but it was more than that. When she died he packed away her items and forgot about them. He couldn’t throw them away. It still felt like her house, after all. Who was he to change anything?

It was a little surprise to himself when he offered them to you. It seemed natural at the moment but as he said it his calm heart backtracked. Was that okay to do? Was it disrespectful to his mother? Was it rude to offer you a dead woman’s things? Would you be uncomfortable?

The little strings of worry all cut loose though when you did the straps and said, “I’ll return them in perfect condition.”

He had thought you’d take them forever. But no, that was better. “I’ll buy you your own just like them.”

You quickly buried the sincere sweetness of the moment with a joke, “Finally this long con is paying off!” What else could you do, threading the strap of your beau’s dead, dearly loved mother’s heels? It was like being on cloud nine with lead shoes. Confusingly wonderful and supremely daunting. You were literally walking in her shoes. The irony made you squeeze your arms to your sides to make sure your sweat pads were in their place.

Alastor thought if all you were getting out of this was a pair of shoes, you were definitely coming up in the red. 

Negative. 

Losing out. 

He knew it was a joke,  but had it been true he’d build a home on his land and fill it with shoes and dresses and whatever else you asked for. A stage all your own if you wanted. He’d clap and throw flowers at your feet nightly. If you’d let him. 

Maybe he could do that anyway. Every night, praise you with his mouth in all the ways he could imagine you’d enjoy. 

The analogy carried through as he drove you to work. What was the price of admission and had he managed to afford it yet? Again, he fretted over what he was giving you in all of… whatever exactly this was.

He knew exactly what he wanted it to be and knew very well what you didn’t want. So, letting sleeping dogs lie, he instead considered what you were actually getting out of the arrangement as it stood now. 

He’d met women who just wanted a home to pretty up. You had your own space you seemed keen on so he doubted that was it. Sometimes women pursued him for his obvious disposable income. Images of you swiping the hundred off the hotel bar played across his thoughts. No, you seemed capable enough to earn more than your job paid. If anything you seemed to enjoy chasing down marks.

You’d made it clear your thoughts on marriage (“I won’t be bought by jewelry and promises of a pretty cage.”)  though he did consider what could ever make you want that legal lock. He’d had friends who would have liked the safety a husband lended their image. Women who didn’t have any need or want for men in general. But things like banking and ownership were easier with a husband. And if he was aware of their preferences, they could still enjoy their love lives as they always had tried to before marriage. Alastor had considered such an offer before. Seriously considered it. It seemed to solve all of the problems he and his lady friend had. 

His hands twisted around the steering wheel. He knew, deep in the marrow of his bones, he was always going to be alone. But the tiniest speck of desire to have someone love him and share his life remained buried in the viscera of his reality. So he turned down the sham marriage. What if he met someone inconceivable? Suddenly he would be an adulterer. Which was just hilarious to him. Such a thing could lead to a loss of employment and social shunning. 

Plus, his mother would shake her head if he opened her very deserved home to someone purely existing to make a pleasant lie for the world. Disappointment could leak straight from her grave and into the floorboards.

Everyone wants something, though. He wanted to be seen in his entirety and accepted as he was.

You?

Well. All the things you seemed to want you had. Autonomy. Adoration. Attention. 

His mind conjured images of you sitting pretty in your trousers in Beth’s. Moments like those, before he knew you, you had all of the things you wanted and seemingly needed. It made you upsettingly attractive to him. 

Alastor didn’t want to be needed by someone, he wanted to be wanted by someone who already had everything.

As the car rolled over the bridge and you both made your way into the city proper, his thoughts wandered back to the notion of rings. His mother never had one, so he had nothing to hand down. Would you wear gold, like the necklace you hung on the mirror in the guest room? Or silver?

He suppressed an embarrassed chuckle, he was getting ahead of himself again. Daydreaming while he drove like he always did. But this time you were in the car with him. 

You caught him blushing, asking if he got too much sun by the water earlier. Alastor’s eyes went wide and he laughed a forced ‘ha ha ha!’, punctuated by a flat and low “No!”

All you could do was laugh in return when he didn’t elaborate. The way he was gripping the steering wheel made his knuckles go pale through the thin skin of his hands.  But the wonky smile he had told you he wasn’t angry. 

He gave you a peck outside the theater’s side door, promised to swing by yours after work so you could grab some shoes, and drove off. 

✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦

“Excuse you, you’re not welcome here.”

You heard it but didn’t really register what that implied. Sometimes people tried to sneak in who’d been banned, but it was…not common. The list of people was quite short. You didn’t stop to think of them all, regardless.

You made a habit of calling Ruth by her stage name as early in the work day as you could remember, to avoid any slip ups. So when you called out to her as you worked the room after your performance, she knew to answer.

“Skye, could you bring me some water?” Leaning on the bar you watched her make her own drink, flashing you a wink. She always got tipsy and ended up behind the bar when she was in a good mood. Which was most nights. The staff didn’t mind, the real money to be made was in liquor and whatever could be passed off as beer. So the extra pair of hands was appreciated.

“You’ve been especially happy lately. Good sex?” The glass was slid to you. All you could do was nod. You’d hadn’t actually had sex in awhile, but that wasn’t anyone’s business.

Your smile barely had a chance to slip off your face, your senses too quick for your body to keep up. The awareness that something was wrong hit you fast and hard, but only milliseconds before you felt someone grab you.

Brady’s hand gripped your shoulder and pulled you backwards, something slipping around your wrists as a uniformed cop came around the corner of the atrium. You struggled to get away from him, shouting general protests to being suddenly manhandled. Your voice erupted, the first cannon shot of the war as women and men began to swarm and berate the detective.

Barely a shocked laugh could be choked out from your tightening throat. 

“You’re under arrest!” He yelled it, looking at you for just a moment before announcing it to the audience. An actor to his crowd.

“For what?!” Johnny pushed Brady with two fingers to the chest. 

“Prostitution.”

A beat of silence as the room collectively gasped. Ruth was the first one to truly lay her hands on him, snatching his hat off and smacking him across the head. The other dancers moved like a school of fish, tucking Ruth into the safety of their numbers with a simultaneous jostling of the detective.

The cop leading you away stopped, “Just her? I thought-,”

Detective Brady dusted his hat off with the back of his hand and shooed the man away. “Just her.”

Before you had reached the glass doors of the theater, you tensed and pulled back. “What the fuck are you doing, Mr. Brady?”

But Brady wasn’t looking at you. He was scanning the room. Staring into the small but fierce roiling mass of regulars, dancers, and staff filling up the doorway in front him and flooding the atrium. 

Johnny sized up Brady, getting nose to nose with him, “Show your face here again and we’ll need an ambulance, not a wagon!”

Brady leaned into the confrontation, “Now sir I’d be careful. That almost sounds like a threat.”

“Sure as shit is!” Someone hissed. 

“Hey! Brady!” You tried again in vain to get his attention.

“Hush. You confessed to it already, no point crying now.” The cop’s voice was harsh, his disgust barely hidden. His palms were calloused and scratched at the exposed skin of your arms.

“Someone! Someone call-,” Ruth snapped her fingers as the syllables teetered on the tip of her tongue.

Goosebumps rose across your shoulders like little tombstones. Your autonomic nervous system came to a crawl. The grip on your arm tightened as you had to be wretched forward and out of the front doors.

Her eyes lit up, “Alastor! Does anyone have Alastor’s work number?!” Ruth was met with confused faces and shrugs from the others.

You didn’t feel yourself begin to cry, it was a reaction to the fact you hadn’t blinked since you became aware Brady didn’t seem too interested in your reaction to this.

This wasn’t an arrest. It was a trap.

⋅˚₊‧ ଳ⋆Masterlist.ೃ࿔*:･

˖ ݁𖥔.Summoning the Horny Little Deer Cult.𖥔 ݁ ˖

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[rainbowsky]

Hi RBS

Why gg is related to little prince in that little prince and rose story??

Hi Anon,

Fake, fan fiction, CPN.

The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint Exupéry is a classic, exceptionally popular, beautifully told and illustrated story. Those who haven't read it can find it here.

Standard disclaimer: This is my own personal opinion based on my own interpretation of tidbits I've learned over the years. Everyone is free to come up with their own.

If you ask a solo they'll give you a completely different story than a turtle would about how The Little Prince is connected to GG, but I think GG's (and DD's) connection to that story runs far deeper than anything any fan - solo or turtle - can claim.

The Solo Interpretation

The solo interpretation revolves around the prince's red cape and the many references to the red cape that GG has made in his art and on social media over the years, which many believe were in response to fan activity.

The first reference came during a live broadcast of XFIRE, where GG created a pencil drawing of a boy wearing a cape and holding a ball. Later he posted a colored version of the image on his social media, where it was revealed that the boy was wearing a red cape and holding a glowing moon.

His fans named themselves Xiao Fei Xia (Chinese for 'Peter Pan') after seeing the image. The name sounds like Chinese for 'small fat shrimp', which is why XFX are often called shrimps (or tempuras, in malicious references).

When his fans won him a solo song, he posted a photo of a boy wearing a crown and a red cape. He later changed his Weibo badge to The Little Prince in a red cape. In Nov 2019 he posted an image of himself on Oasis with a red cape and crown drawn on.

"But why do they think The Little Prince is about them, when they call themselves Peter Pans?" you might ask.

That is a somewhat ambiguous connection, but as far as I can tell it's because of the idea that he's their Little Prince and they are his Peter Pans. The song Satisfaction - which was meaningful to GG and his fans - was connected to the image he shared of the boy wearing the cape and crown. There is also the red cape connection. They wear a red cape, and 'their Little Prince' wears one too. Red is GG's color, and the color XFX identify their fandom with.

A Deeper Connection

In any case, like I said - I think GG's connection to the Little Prince goes deeper than fandom, and the simplest answer to why it has become so connected with him is that he loves the story. It means a lot to him, and on some level he really identifies with the character.

And it's not difficult to see why both GG and DD identify with this story. I actually wrote a whole thing about that a while ago on my blog but of course, I can't find it now. So frustrating.

The Little Prince presents a lot of themes about personal development, love, acceptance, self-acceptance, friendship and found family that resonate with queer readers, with artistic/creative people, and with anyone who has had to live with loneliness or isolation (such as incredibly famous people who are forced to live somewhat separate from the rest of the world). There are themes about grief and loss, and about different points of view.

To me, the story is about how wisdom comes through wonder. More than anything, The Little Prince is about maintaining one's sense of childlike wonder and sensitivity in the face of all the pains and trials of life, and in spite of all attempts to kill our spirit. No matter what we have lost and long for, we can find beauty in the love we have and the connections we make.

It is that spirit of wonder that makes everything special, and makes us special too. It's what makes us able to look beneath the surface and see what's really important.

This is something GG quite obviously values very deeply. He has referred to DD as a sweet, pure-hearted boy in the past, and has spoken appreciatively about the fact that DD has managed to keep a sense of childishness and guilelessness despite being in this industry for so long, and from such an early age.

And GG himself displays those qualities in abundance. He has a very light-hearted, sweet, wonderstruck, sensitive, curious, cute side that is a huge part of the magnetism of his personality. We see this come out a lot in his downtime, such as when he was at Universal Studios, or when he was wandering the streets of Europe. One of the things that is most compelling about him is his willingness to show that side of himself, even as a grown man.

This is - as I've said many times - part of GG and DD's incredible chemistry and compatibility. They share their own little world, and this world of fun, laughter, sweetness, mischievousness and curiosity - the spirit of learning, exploring and cackling together like gremlins - this is all very much aligned with the themes of The Little Prince.

Even the moments of loneliness and separation and coming back together again, the stars in the sky and the ringing of bells - all of this is connected to the story of The Little Prince.

And if you believe the CPN about GG's birthday letter to DD (which I definitely do), this is a message GG gives DD: grow up slowly. That idea has appeared in fake rumors and other references in the fandom. And it's very aligned with the themes of The Little Prince.

From the book: (mild spoilers for those who haven't read it). Slightly abridged.

...he looked at me steadily, and replied to my thought:

“I am thirsty, too. Let us look for a well...”

I made a gesture of weariness. It is absurd to look for a well, at random, in the immensity of the desert. But nevertheless we started walking.

“What makes the desert beautiful,” said the little prince, “is that somewhere it hides a well...”

I was astonished by a sudden understanding of that mysterious radiation of the sands. When I was a little boy I lived in an old house, and legend told us that a treasure was buried there. To be sure, no one had ever known how to find it; perhaps no one had ever even looked for it. But it cast an enchantment over that house. My home was hiding a secret in the depths of its heart...

“Yes,” I said to the little prince. “The house, the stars, the desert—what gives them their beauty is something that is invisible!”

As the little prince dropped off to sleep, I took him in my arms and set out walking once more. I felt deeply moved, and stirred. It seemed to me that I was carrying a very fragile treasure. It seemed to me, even, that there was nothing more fragile on all Earth. In the moonlight I looked at his pale forehead, his closed eyes, his locks of hair that trembled in the wind, and I said to myself:

“What I see here is nothing but a shell. What is most important is invisible...”

As his lips opened slightly with the suspicion of a half-smile, I said to myself, again: “What moves me so deeply, about this little prince who is sleeping here, is his loyalty to a flower—the image of a rose that shines through his whole being like the flame of a lamp, even when he is asleep...” And I felt him to be more fragile still. I felt the need of protecting him, as if he himself were a flame that might be extinguished by a little puff of wind...

And, as I walked on so, I found the well, at daybreak.

Bottom line: Be who you are, stay true to yourself, don't let the world destroy all the soft, sweet, fun, creative, childlike, insightful, open-hearted parts of you.

You are special because of what you love.

GGDD and The Little Prince

Both GG and DD have been repeatedly associated with The Little Prince, and both have been referred to as "little prince" by fans. The Little Prince and his rose have been beloved by turtles as a frequently occurring candy/CPN in the fandom for years.

This started for DD back in his Uniq days. There's an example of this in an early Uniq interview. At the start each group member is being introduced, and their group role is listed onscreen along with the names fans use to refer to them, DD's nicknames are listed as "White Peony, Little Prince." (They're all such babies here!! 🥺)

And he really is a Little Prince, both in terms of his youthful, pure-hearted wonder and in terms of his appearance. There are countless examples of Prince Bobo.

Both GG and DD have been associated directly with the story of The Little Prince, in that both have performed readings of the story - GG in 2018, DD in 2018 and 2019.

(Sorry, no Eng subs for that last one).

The brand Roseonly created many Little Prince themed items back when GG was endorsing them.

The recent photoshoot DD did for T Magazine was themed around The Little Prince, and people saw similar references in the photoshoot GG did for Marie Claire.

The Little Prince - CPN

There are too many CPN references to The Little Prince - or to elements from the story - to list them all here, but here are a few:

The Name

One of the things BXG get excited about is that in Chinese, The Little Prince is actually called 小王子 (Xiao Wang Zi - literally 'little king child'). While the character 小 (Xiao, meaning 'little') isn't the same as the Xiao character used in GG's name (his name uses 肖, which is a Chinese surname), they are pronounced the same*.

*Incidentally, 小 is the same character that connects XFX to the Peter Pan name, '小飞侠' or 'Xiao Fei Xia'.

I think it's also likely that it's a big part of why GG and DD feel a connection to The Little Prince - because in Chinese, it references/connects their names.

They both love word play and have connected their names in the past - in the BTS when they were filming the library scene and GG wrote WangXiao with the calligraphy brush, on DDU when they were asked to come up with a team name and DD suggested BJYX and GG suggested Yizhan instead. It's very much in keeping with their personalities to enjoy that connection.

The Huang Ziteng post

Back in 2020 Huang Ziteng made a social media post that referenced The Little Prince. It consisted of a photo of a Little Prince figurine and thank you card with a rose pin. The text of the post read, "The child told me he received a gift, so happy. "The most important things cannot be seen, but must be felt with the heart." It was posted on September 13 at 18:23 (Yizhan - Yibo Loves Zhan).

The Birthday Cake

When DD rode his motorcycle out to spend GG's birthday together back in 2018, the birthday cake was Little Prince themed.

There was also a restaurant scene from Gank Your Heart where a Little Prince cake topper randomly appeared on the table. Does anyone else remember that? I can't find the actual scene, but it was very 👀.

EDIT: here it is!

On the plate in the foreground.

A Dream Like A Dream

When A Dream Like A Dream premiered in Wuhan, the theatre plaza was overrun with flowers for GG, and he had to make a statement asking fans not to bring flowers. Fans got together and gave flowers away all over the city. GG posted a photo of a single rose, which turtles believed was sent to him by DD.

The caption: "With love, the sun warms the spring." The kadian "Love Zhan, My Bo."

Day Day Up

DDU was a source for a few Little Prince-related CPN. There was a Little Prince figurine on the DDU set, next to a skateboard,

and of course everything surrounding The Brightest Star in the Sky.

DD has frequently been referred to as the 'lonely star', and there is a great deal of CPN about GGDD and stars.

There's also a fake rumor that after DD's motorcycle accident back in 2020, GG was overheard recording a voice message for DD and saying, "you always shine brightly."

There are too many star references to mention. Also too many moon references to mention. There is a LOT of CPN that connects to The Little Prince. It comes up quite often in the fandom. I'm not going to try to gather them all here. Suffice it to say that it's very well solidified as something turtles feel a deep connection with.

Either/or is such a bitch

One of the things I find really frustrating about fan culture is that it is so warlike. Never is this more apparent than when talking about things like this. Solos believe The Little Prince references are for them. Turtles believe GG and DD are referencing each other.

Just a reminder to everyone - it's quite possible for BOTH to be true.

It's quite possible for GG and DD to find all of these things significant at the same time. It's quite possible for us to allow all those significances to coexist without making them into a battle.

More than anything, the references are for and about GG and DD. We can share our excitement for them because we're all their fans. We all love them. It doesn't have to be a fight.

[gazetto-no-ki]

LIVE2024 HERESY LIMITED 【HETERODOXY Vol.3-IMMORTAL CREED-】 2024.09.12 Toyosu PIT - spice.eplus Live report

At every live show, the GazettE's vocalist RUKI always says, “First, thank you for sharing this time with us.” These words are not just a formality; they come from his heart, and during this two-hour performance, it became evident that this is the reality of their world. Thousands of fans filling the venue chose to share the same space and time with the GazettE, directly meeting the members’ gaze and creating an intense sense of unity. What seems like a "usual" sight for their live shows—a sea of fans and the band connecting deeply—is, in fact, a miraculous and irreplaceable experience. This night served as a profound testament to that truth, and it will surely stand as an enormous “trace” (shouseki) in the band’s future path.

In April of this year, the band’s bassist REITA passed away, and this was their first live performance after the memorial concert "HERESY LIMITED 'SIX GUN'S,'" held on May 27th. This show was part of their fan club exclusive series 'HETERODOXY' Vol. 3. Ahead of the performance, vocalist RUKI stated that the setlist would be chosen from across the three-disc best-of album they released about two years ago (the GazettE 20TH ANNIVERSARY BEST ALBUM HETERODOXY -DIVIDED 3 CONCEPTS-). He also explained that the title, "IMMORTAL CREED," carried the meaning of an "undying belief." In other words, the purpose of this concert was to reflect on the band’s journey so far, while reaffirming their unchanging commitment, no matter what happens. After watching the two-hour show, this became an undeniable conviction.

As the start time approached, the SE track "HETERODOXY" played, and five flags, adorned with the logo of their fan club ‘HERESY,’ slowly rose. With the five spirits gathered on stage, the intro to "Filth in the beauty" began, featuring graceful female vocals. This unexpected opening song sparked a cheer from the audience. When this single was released in 2006, its innovative blend of heavy rock and R&B created a buzz, and the floor shook with movement as fans jumped and headbanged at RUKI’s command. Applauding the sight, RUKI then transitioned the applause into clapping, signaling the start of "VENOMOUS SPIDER'S WEB." As the distorted guitar sound filled the venue, laser beams, like spider webs, crisscrossed the inside of Toyosu PIT. Uruha (Gt) and Aoi (Gt) exchanged guitar riffs while Kai (Dr) drove the beat forward, overwhelming the space with the band’s signature heaviness.

“Tokyo! Show me how cool you can be!” RUKI shouted as "VORTEX" began. Uruha had already taken the center stage platform, and RUKI moved fiercely from side to side, riling up the crowd with clapping and headbanging. In the powerful chorus, you could clearly hear REITA’s (Ba) voice, and the excitement in the room continued to rise. This unusually fast ignition of energy showed that the band truly craved the live performance setting, something RUKI hinted at in his next MC.

“Can I be honest with you? I’m so happy to see you. Really, live shows are a place where you can let out any feelings, any emotions, so feel free to do whatever. Show me any face you want. You don’t have to worry; we’ll lead you.”

Next, they performed "GABRIEL ON THE GALLOWS," a hard-hitting, vertical-headbanging song, followed by "FADELESS," a catchy melody wrapped in loud rock. Both numbers combined the decadent theme of ‘falling from grace’ after losing wings, delivering a clear narrative. During the latter’s outro, the spotlight turned to the rhythm section, placing the focus on the bass, and chants of “REITA!” echoed through the venue, etching his presence into that space.

RUKI’s vocals, both smooth and on the verge of breaking with sharp shouts, were bathed in blue lighting and smoke, reminiscent of water's surface, as he walked unsteadily, expressing loneliness through "DRIPPING INSANITY." The song introduced a world of quiet sorrow. In "QUIET," where the powerful drumming felt like it could blow everything away, RUKI sang "For now it's goodbye" but didn’t complete the line "The habit of leaving an empty space by your side." This left the audience with a tightness in their chest. After the poignant guitar echoes faded completely, applause filled the venue. RUKI’s silhouette swayed like a shadow puppet under the heavy, drumbeat-like drumming of Kai, while Aoi unleashed the maddeningly beautiful intro phrase of "GODDESS." The performance, drenched in red light, ends with RUKI singing of a broken mind, and just as he repeats the words "Are you testing me?" the curtain lifts on "BABYLON'S TABOO." The red lights flickered like candy threads across the hall, while RUKI whispered the spell-like phrase "ADE DUE DAMBALLA," creating a dark and unsettling atmosphere akin to a ritual. The band's heavy, technical, and tricky performance was captivating. No matter how aggressively they stormed through the songs, the deep tracks that followed were always integral, forming the foundation of the GazettE’s profound world.

"After all, live shows are great. Standing here, I feel like this is a place where you can release any emotion. So, everyone, don’t hold back. Let it all out, everything, and follow us from here," RUKI said.

Emphasizing the word "everything," the band’s physical power began to push the emotions of everyone present. In "TWO OF A KIND," RUKI incited headbanging with calls of "Head! Head! Head!" while the audience unleashed their wild energy under the weighty and brisk sound. But it wasn’t just their bodies that trembled—the lyrics like "Knowing the same pain" and "Every time we share our scars" shook their hearts as well. Under the laser beams, "VERMIN" painted a thrilling sight as the crowd leaped high during the chorus, while REITA’s gritty bass lines intertwined with Uruha’s swirling guitar. When the intro to "ATTITUDE" kicked off, the crowd exploded into a massive sing-along and clapping to "Until die!" RUKI rallied the crowd, shouting, "Come on, shout from your gut! Make it reach!" as the guitarists quickly switched positions, driving the audience into a frenzy.

"You're doing great, Tokyo! Can you keep going? You can do more, right? This isn't all you’ve been holding back! Bring it on!" RUKI roared as the crushing low bass of "ABHOR GOD" reverberated through the venue, sparking a storm of headbanging. As the crowd clapped in unison, Uruha and Aoi stood side by side, strumming their riffs, electrifying the audience with their presence. The intense blast beats of Kai and RUKI’s death growl brought the madness of the final moments to a thrilling close.

Then, as RUKI shouted, "Can you handle the last one? The last one!" and Kai hit the bass drum with a steady four-on-the-floor beat, the audience instantly responded with claps and cheers. In perfect harmony with the crowd, the band launched into "TOMORROW NEVER DIES." When RUKI shouted, "I’m singing for you guys!" fists were raised high, and the front members of the band freely ran across the stage, filled with the joy of performing. As the crowd erupted into cheers before the final chorus, RUKI looked up to the sky, repeatedly asking, "Do you hear it!?" The voices from the audience grew louder with each repetition. Needless to say, by the end of the song, RUKI let out a roar, pouring out all of his feelings.

Though REITA’s physical presence couldn’t be seen, his sound, his spirit, and his soul were unmistakably there. Because through the GazettE’s songs, the memories and presence of REITA were etched into the hearts of everyone in the venue.

"First of all, I want to thank you for sharing this time with us. You all have your jobs and daily lives, yet you chose to come to our live show today, and I’m really grateful for that. Truly, I’m genuinely so happy. No matter what expression you have, show me your faces clearly. To be able to meet again on the day we promised—honestly, I think that’s such a blessing. Time is something that inevitably passes equally for everyone, but today, every single second, let’s make this an unforgettable and amazing moment together, you and us."

Responding to the encore, the band reappeared, and RUKI expressed his gratitude as always, speaking about the happiness of being able to gather for the live show, which was met with applause. He followed it with these touching words: "Memories, you know... they're treasures that will never disappear for a lifetime." Then, he began singing the deeply emotional "Anata no Tame no Kono Inochi." (This Life is for You) with heartfelt love and melodic grace.

As he called out, "Let me hear you!" a huge chorus erupted, and during another early song, "Akai One Piece", the crowd joined in with claps, fists, and headbanging, creating a truly spectacular scene. "Go wild and go home! Can you do it?" he shouted, as they launched into "INCUBUS," sending heavy bass through the venue and creating a sea of raised fists, shaking the hall. This led seamlessly into "Hyena," where REITA's shout echoed across the venue from the start. Although REITA's voice and bassline were not live, the overwhelming live experience born in that moment, with the drums, twin guitars, vocals, and the audience's chorus all coming together, seemed to possess a mysterious, superhuman power.

The last song RUKI signaled was "UNFINISHED," a track that unmistakably declared that the GazettE’s journey is far from over, and they have yet to reach their final or complete form. Aoi leaned against Uruha, layering their sound together, while RUKI brought the lyrics "I'll take your hand" to life by gesturing as if pulling the crowd’s hands into his own. The audience responded with all the voice they had, and the unforgettable stage reached its emotional finale.

"Thanks to all of you, we were able to create an unforgettable and amazing day. Thank you. And next year, thanks to your support, the GazettE will be entering its 23rd year. As a surprise, we've prepared a promise for when we can meet again. We'll be waiting for you like this once more. Please spend your precious time with us again. Thank you for giving us such an incredible day today and for always supporting us. Please continue to support the GazettE from here on. Let's meet again. I love you."

As RUKI spoke these raw and sincere words, he gazed across the floor filled with applause before leaving the stage. On his way out, Kai embraced the bass amp. The flyers distributed at the venue's exit announced the tour 'the GazettE LIVE 2025 23rd ANNIVERSARY TOUR Shouseki,' which will take place in January through March next year. The tour will begin at Nagoya's DIAMOND HALL on January 16, continue at Osaka's Namba Hatch on February 6, and culminate on March 10 at the Tokyo Garden Theater, marking the band's 23rd anniversary.

The title of the tour, "Shouseki" ('traces or a trail that will serve as proof in the future'), reflects their earnest desire to leave behind a solid mark as the GazettE continues its journey. What kind of "trail" they will create along the way will depend on the audience who loves them.

[overlyenthusiasticfictionreader]

Fanbinding of The Perfect Song by dragonofdispair

The Perfect Song by dragonofdispair

To follow his dreams, Jazz offers his virginity and himself to anyone willing to pay. His buyer, Prowl, has a lot of loneliness and a kink for virgins, but dreaming isn’t something he’s capable of. Yet.

Fandom: Transformers - All Media Types Rating: Explicit Archive Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings Relationship: Jazz/Prowl Characters: Jazz, Prowl, Ricochet, Barricade, First Aid, Sky-Byte

The Perfect Song by dragonofdispair 429 pages, letter-quarto/ 50,061 words

Accompaniment: Companion Pieces to The Perfect Song (Adagio, Coda, Cadenza, and Famous) by dragonofdispair 72 pages, letter-quarto / 4,751 words

The Perfect Song was requested as a bind during our local Renegade Exchange 2024 event. My giftee mentioned they liked quartos and also blue, and so I had the first inklings of a design. My giftee also mentioned they wouldn't mind additional gifts, so I decided to bind the rest of the series as a separate book, mostly because i thought it would look cool and then i would have a reason to make a case too (corral all those books together).

Photos and more discussion under the read-more!

First up is The Perfect Song! I have been wanting to bind a chonky book, and while I didn't reach maximum chonk, The Perfect Song is a respectable size and satisfyingly hefty in the hand. This book is a variation of the bradel binding style, which supports a thicker book well. I ran with the musical theme: the endpapers have musical notations, the text breaks are a treble clef, and I used the written music for Mendelssohn’s Midsummer Night’s Dream as the background image for chapter titles. I chose the font for titles and dropcaps because it reminded me of a musical scale. The blue bookcloth is homemade using a faux-suede fabric: fuzzy texture!

The black and while endbands were meant to invoke a piano keyboard: I'm not quite sure I got there, but they look classy regardless!

Next is the rest of the series (which I called Accompaniment for the purposes of rounding up the series in a second book), and it uses all the same themes. I like the cohesive look, and really, why mess with a good thing? This is a much slimmer book, bound in a different style from The Perfect Song. This is a modified conservation pamphlet bind.

For both books I used HTV to put a treble clef on the cover, and for The Perfect Song I had enough room to title the spine as well.

I wanted to make cases for all three sets of books (one for my giftee, one for the author, and one for myself). I ran with the same theme and materials, so nothing surprising there, but I think the books in their cases look really snazzy!

I'm very satisfied with how these books turned out! And I am thrilled to be able to gift a copy to the author! Sharing fandom is wonderful experience for me, and I hope some fanart let's the author know how much I appreciate that they shared their stories.

Also located on A03 here.

[linawritestwst]

"it grew and burst into a love so bad that it feels good" (gn!reader)

YANDERE!READER IS BACK BABY!! i've been in a mood to write something yandere-themed, so.. yeah, this is a part 2 to these hcs! this time, however, it's just the characters that i wanted to write for and not really the "scariest" or "most weird" twst characters. you can consider this a halloween post too, if you want! (though i'm also working on the actual halloween special post >:3)

(also, this time yandere!reader won't really have a "defining" personality trait, but their yandere type will be mentioned)

(also [2], the title is a reference to this suki suki daisuki eng cover. i know that the original song isn't actually exactly "yanderecore", but the lyrics fit so well!)

characters: cater diamond, leona kingscholar, azul ashengrotto, vil schoenheit, idia shroud, sebek zigvolt, neige leblanche

genre: horror

warnings: general yandere content, toxic relationships, descriptions of manipulating and stalking, implication of murder and the reader character is.. a little bit delusional.

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character: cater diamond

yandere type: loneliness induction

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♡ oh, cater. someone who tries so hard to convince people that he's fine, that he's doing great, that his life is so perfect and fun and bright.. but you know what he's really like. you know what's going on in his head. you know what kind of person he is. you know how much cater is suffering. of course you know. you know everything about him after all! this is why you two are such good friends!.. but hey, why not become something more than this? why settle for something like friendship, when you can have more? come on, it's okay for you to be a little greedy, considering how much you've done for him!

♡ you are so nice to him. you are so kind to him. you make sure to listen to him. you like all of his posts and leave comments. he wants to take a picture with you? you're more than happy to do that! and if he feels like nobody cares about his problems and he can't be honest with anyone, well, he's wrong, because he has you. oh, but he doesn't need anyone else! you're the only person in this school who actually cares about him, he should know that. honestly, you're probably the only person in this whole world who cares about him.

♡ of course, he has someone to go to if he's not feeling so good! that person is you! you will always be there for him. you will listen. you will tell him that his feelings are valid. you will tell him how much you understand him. oh, but you also will tell him that nobody else in this school will get him. you will tell him to look at the other students and think: do they care? do they understand him? would they feel sorry for him? the answer to all those questions is no. so it's okay if the only person who can hold him while he cries is you. and it's okay if he's been crying a bit too often lately.

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character: leona kingscholar

yandere type: wrong idea

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♡ leona treats you the exact same way he treats all the other students.. or so other people say. some people say that he actually finds you more annoying than most students. but you know they're wrong. you know they are so, so wrong. because you know the truth: leona kingscholar is madly in love with you. hm? how do you know that? uh.. well, you can just feel it! you can feel it from the way he looks at you, you can feel it from the way he talks to you, you can even feel it from the way he breathes when he's asleep and you're right there next to him!.. w-was that too much?

♡ so, why he still hasn't confessed to you? you're not sure actually. you think that he's just a little shy. aww, wouldn't that be so cute? imagine someone like him secretly being too shy to confess his feelings! you can just feel yourself falling more and more in love with him. well, you have no choice but to wait for his confession.. probably. you want to believe that you have more options than that. you know that you have to be patient, but it's just so.. hard.. there must be a different way out, right?

♡ oh, why don't you just give him a little push? no, no, you don't want to confess first, that'd be so embarrassing, haha.. why don't you just leave a hint for him? why don't you try to tell him that he should be honest with his feelings and that if he wants to say something, he should say it with pride? yes, you will do exactly that!.. huh? i-it didn't work as planned.. haha, he's just saying that if you want him to be honest, he's gonna be honest with you and say that he hates you right to your face.. ahaha.. come on, he's just being a tsundere, right?

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character: azul ashengrotto

yandere type: manipulative

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♡ you know how weak and vulnerable azul really is. you know. but it's okay. he can always rely on you. he can always trust you. you promise that you will never leave him. seriously, even those twins who follow him around would leave him sooner than you. the moment they get bored, that's it, they won't spend another second with him. of course, azul assures you that jade and floyd really are loyal.. but your words still make him a little uncomfortable. haha, so he really doesn't want to be left alone.

♡ it's okay, you will always be here to tell him how smart and talented he is. you will praise him as much as he wants to be praised and you will comfort him as much as he wants to be comforted. he doesn't have to put on a mask when you're around. he doesn't have to make you sign any kind of contract, because you're definitely planning to keep your promise and you really will stay with him no matter what. he's just too fun to manipulate, why would you even think of leaving him?

♡ if he ends up breaking down and crying and showing you his true feelings, you will give him a gentle smile and wipe his tears away and softly kiss his cheeks. you repeat the same words again. it's okay. it's okay to cry. it's okay for him to be weak. it's okay for him to be slow. he doesn't have to pretend to be better when you're the only person who's around. actually, you like him much better in this state. so can he promise you to be more honest with himself?

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character: vil schoenheit

yandere type: monopoly

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♡ vil is.. beautiful. very beautiful. so beautiful that if you ever forgot your whole life, you would still remember his face. and of course, no matter how much you love him and no matter how well you know that you're going to be loyal to him and treat him better than anyone else can, you have so many rivals, you can't even count them. ugh, getting rid of them is gonna be so much work.. especially considering that a lot of them are from pomefiore and trying to poison them is probably not a good idea.

♡ it's okay, you can just outsmart them. you can manipulate them, you can convince them that they're just not good enough for him. come on, how can they even imagine themselves standing next to vil schoenheit himself? seriously, that's not even brave, that's just stupid. you can just make everyone's self-esteem become so low that they will never even think about trying to confess to vil or even looking at him. oh, but you also have to convince them that whoever vil chooses is the only person who will be worthy of him. i wonder who that person could be..

♡ but of course, some rivals are stronger than others. seriously, what is wrong with his vice dorm leader. this is the guy that spends the most time with vil and also compliments him the most. he's like, his biggest fan here. and.. uh.. trying to get rid of him physically is not a good idea. outsmarting him is also not an option, because this guy is probably not even worried about the possibility of being able to date vil. he just admires him a lot and wants to see him every day and that's all. well, here's the thing.. you want to do exactly that as well, so you need this guy dead.

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character: idia shroud

yandere type: protective

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♡ idia shroud is a quiet, introverted type. the things that he would do so that he didn't have to leave his room at all. idia shroud doesn't remember the last time he had ever touched grass. and he's exactly your type. and you will do anything to make his life easier. he doesn't have to socialize! he doesn't have to leave his room! you will do everything for him, all he has to do is ask! actually, no, he doesn't even have to ask, you always know what he needs. hm? and what does he need right now?.. well.. you, of course!

♡ people say that you spoil him too much, but you can't agree. this is how you express your love for him, what's so bad about that? and idia is just someone who needs a little bit more love than other people do. he's just so fragile, so weak, so.. haha, no, this guy won't survive without you. you know that better than anyone. idia shroud doesn't have to socialize and leave his room. you'll make sure he doesn't do that.

♡ this world is way too scary and dangerous for him! anime, manga, video games, they're so much better than real world! and whenever he has any doubts or wants to ask you a question, you can just say that you want to play with him or watch his favorite show with him and that's it, he won't remember anything that bothered him. he's like a puppet in a way. you don't even have to do much, idia would actually love to have someone that can make decisions for him so that he doesn't have to think about what's going on in his reality. just.. uh.. make sure he gets more attached to you instead of his faves.

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character: sebek zigvolt

yandere type: removal

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♡ you don't know what you did, but wow, you must be a very unlucky person to fall in love with a guy who only thinks about his young master. like you just know that if you ever went on a date, he'd still only talk about malleus. you just know that if you ever got married, he'd still be more loyal to malleus than you. you know how bad your situation is. you know that you deserve better. but you don't want better, you want sebek zigvolt and you will do anything to make him notice you.

♡ "but y/n, you know you can't do anything to malleus, right? he's malleus draconia, he's way too strong-" you don't care. your love for sebek is stronger than malleus's magic. also, who said that you have to use magic to fight him? you can just use your brains. malleus is actually very, extremely lonely and he needs affection. sebek is.. kind of an idiot, so you don't even have to try hard to manipulate him. you just have to ruin their relationship somehow. maybe convince malleus that sebek isn't actually that loyal to him? you know for sure that trying to convince sebek that malleus doesn't care about him isn't worth it: even if malleus really didn't care about him, he'd still walk into a burning house for him if he had to.

♡ you will still find a way to get rid of malleus somehow. you just know that even if this guy's magic is strong, he's actually more weak and vulnerable than he looks like. you just have to say the right word and hurt him so bad, he won't be able to look sebek in the eyes. or you can just try to completely ruin his image. he's already feared by most people, you don't have to do much to turn that fear into hatred. you will find a way to make sebek forget about him and give all his attention to you. you're sure of it.

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character: neige leblanche

yandere type: stalker

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♡ neige is so nice. so kind. so pure. so perfect. no, you are not his biggest fan. sure, you admire him, you love his work and you think he's extremely talented, but you're more than a fan. you're his soulmate. but sadly, he doesn't even know about it! what a shame.. you want to let him know that you're the one so bad.. but how should you do it? you don't want to be like those creepy fans who are obsessed with him after all.. ugh, you hate them so much..

♡ you don't want to scare him off, so you'll just send him some cute letters first! you know everything about him. you know where he lives, when he'll be able to read them, you know everything about his schedule.. nothing can go wrong. you're sure that he will answer. or that he'll at least read them. and if he doesn't answer, it's okay, you'll give him some time first! you understand that it can be shocking for him to find out that he actually has someone who was created specifically for him, his own special soulmate. you're so kind and patient, hehe~

♡ huh.. still no reply.. even though you've given him so much time.. guess you have no choice but to send more letters. maybe you should be more direct? you know, like, you should be more honest about your feelings! you should let him know that you'd like to go on a date or two, get married, start living together, maybe even start a family, just all normal things that all normal soulmates do!.. okay, you're done with this letter! hehe, you should thank your fellow neige fan for letting you borrow some red ink from them, you have no idea where your pen is.

[goldenlikedayl1ght]

timeless - j. kiszka

a/n: this one is super long and holy shit i'm pretty proud of it :) my other song choice for this was wii sports resort theme song. warnings: cursing, past infidelity, some angst, stupid choices, allusions to sex, lots of wedding talk, readers family all being chill, reader being feminine (no real descriptions though) but they wear a wedding dress and are 'mrs', uh, petnames, josh being flirty. my qualifications for writing this is that my dad got married on a cruise but it will be inaccurate, whoops. word count: 10.2k words summary: you decide to be kind after being cheated on. it spirals out of control, thanks to josh kiszka. pairing: josh kiszka x reader now playing: timeless (taylor's version) (from the vault) - taylor swift "and sometimes there's no proof, you just know/you're always gonna be mine/we're gonna be/i'm gonna love you when our hair is turnin' gray"

You book the cruise about six months before you break up with him.

Your whole family is going, you tell him, and it’ll be about five years since you got together when you go, it’ll be romantic!

When he proposes to you two months later, you decide to get married on the cruise. You’ll have the ceremony with your closest family, and then friends will be able to celebrate with you two when you get back, you’ll throw parties!

You catch him cheating on you about six months before you leave for the cruise.

At that point, you had already reached out to plan the wedding with the cruise line, you have your wedding outfit, you won’t be getting your deposit back. He will not be going, he says, because what sadist would go with your ex-fiancé’s family to the Bahamas for two weeks after they find out about your infidelity?

Your sister convinces you to go, telling you that your parents can renew their vows and you don’t even have to go.

You can get over the last of your feelings towards your ex while sipping a pina colada on a beach somewhere.

And this, dear reader, is the story of how you meet your husband on that cruise.

• • •

Day One:

Okay, so you don’t mean for him to be your husband, really. It goes something like this:

Your sister picks you up and you climb into this car with your parents, your sister, your nephew and your brother and his wife.

As your brother and his wife canoodle, still in their honeymoon phase, you make sure your nephew doesn’t spill his juice, and you ask yourself, is this it? Are you meant to have random sex and live a life of freedom yet loneliness and eventually leave everything to your nephew when you croak?

Maybe it isn’t that dramatic, but you still feel shitty!

 You’re waiting at the port, sitting by the help service desk as you wait to board the ship. You’re entirely too occupied trying to fend off thoughts of your ex, yet you hear something that just catches your ears just right.

“I’m sorry, Mr. Kiszka, I can offer you a voucher for your next trip with us, but unless a stranger here offers you their ticket, I’m afraid you’re not going on this cruise. We’re all booked up.”

The man the employee is talking to looks like he just came from a trip to the Bahamas, with this wild curly hair and sandals on. He has these, almost goofy, sunglasses on. He stands with a few other people, one who looks just like him with straight hair.

His body language seems angry, but he’s handsome. And you feel it.

You feel an attraction that you haven’t felt since your ex.

And then you remember your ex, and the ticket in your bag that was abandoned by him, and you realize that someone can give this man their ticket.

You realize you can help this angry, handsome man.

You glance at your sister.

“I’m going to do something sort of crazy, and I need you to support me no matter what. Can you do that?” She smiles.

“Always and forever.”

You get up and grab the ticket from your bag, heading over to the counter where the man stands with the employee.

“And I’m telling you,” The man says, and you almost swoon at the stranger’s voice, “These are my credit card bills! My payment for this trip is right here, there has to be something you can do—”

“Excuse me?” Heads turn towards you, and the employee sighs.

“I’ll be with you in just a few minutes—”

“Oh, no, I—” You sigh, and hand the employee your ex-fiancé’s ticket. “This guest won’t be joining us on the trip, and since I paid for his trip, I’d like to give his ticket to the gentleman here.”

Translation: This guest was a lying piece of shit who broke my heart and was supposed to marry me on this trip, and since I footed the damn bill for aforementioned piece of shit, I’d like for the handsome stranger here to stay in my room.

The stranger looks at you like you just saved his life. Your heart swells.

You all look back to the employee, who looks exhausted.

“We can do that,” They scan the ticket, and start reading your ex-finance’s information. “Okay, so, Joshua Kiszka is going to be the name on the room and the ticket,” she starts, “He’ll have to stay in your room, is that okay?” They glance at you. You turn to Joshua.

“Are you an axe murderer or a creep?”

“Not that I know of.” He answers. You smile.

“That’s totally okay.”

“Alright,” The employee glances at their computer again, typing some stuff. “So, there’s two other things. Number one, there’s the romantic dinner for two this Saturday. Is he going to that?”

“Yes,” You answer, not thinking about it. You smile at the stranger, and he smiles back.

“And the wedding.” The stranger’s smile drops. Yeah, that was understandable.

Your hand lands on his arm, and you become vulnerable.

“Just, go with it for a while, okay? We’re not getting married on this trip, I promise.” You smile, and this seems to reassure Joshua, who turns back to the employee.

“We’re a couple of soon to be newlyweds, baby.” He smirked.

The Employee seems less sure. But they scan the ticket and type a few more things into their computer before handing the ticket to Josh.

“All set. I’d recommend boarding together to get your keycards and everything sorted out. Please step to the side so I can help the next guests.”

You oblige, and suddenly it hits you. You’re a stranger standing in front of a family after you just saved their vacation. You just invited a stranger to stay with you. Joshua looks at you.

“Well, that was a crazy way to ask me on a date.” He tells you, and you laugh.

“Did it work?”

“Absolutely, this vacation would’ve been ruined without you!” He grinned. “I’m Josh.”

You give him your name, and you can just see the relief on his face. He introduces you to his family, and you meet his brothers, Jake, Sam, and Danny, as well as his sister and parents. They’re all lovely.  They begin to call boarding numbers, and Josh takes his backpack from his twin.

“I’m gonna go with them to figure this whole thing out, we’ll meet for lunch later?” They all agree, and Jake mentions how nice it was to meet you, and you head back to your family to board.

Your family looks extremely confused.

“Everyone, this is Josh—There was a problem with his ticket, and I figured since we had an extra, we can hangout with Josh for the trip.” Your sister laughs, and your nephew copies her giggles.

“Don’t worry, we’re not going to do anything wild together, I’m just so grateful that I’m actually going on this trip.” He said honestly. Then he turns to you. “So, what’s this about a wedding?” You laugh, and link your arm with his, a bit of a bold move on your part, but you’re feeling bold. For the first time in months, you want someone, and it’s making you feel bold.

Mostly, for the boarding process, you stand in pairs. You and Josh, your parents, your brother and sister-in-law, and your sister and nephew. You’re waiting in line when you start to explain.

“So, the wedding was originally supposed to be mine, yes. But, the groom turned out to be, uh..” You try to put it nicely, “Not the one.” Is the best thing you settle on, “So we’re going to use it as a way to have my parents renew their vows, or something.” You explain. Josh nods,

“But you realize that we’ll be regarded as the happy couple the entire time we’re on board, right?” You laugh at this idea of this dude you barely know being in love with you and marrying you.

“Josh, you don’t strike me as the type to shy away from the spotlight.” It’s just something about him that gives you the impression that when he walks into the room, he is the center of everyone’s attention. But he just laughs, almost a tad shy.

“Fine, then I’m making up a wild story about our meeting.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah, you remember it, right? When you invited me to be a guest at a wedding for a man you were in love with but fell in love with me through out the night?”

“Why does it always have to be about weddings with you, Josh?”

“You know me, I’m a romantic.” You roll your eyes at this, and you hand your boarding passes to the person at the podium, who scans them, and then glances to you.

“Enjoy your stay on the Princess of the Ocean!” The ship name almost makes you laugh, “And congratulations to you both! We hope your wedding and honeymoon is all you want and more!” You realize they must have your name on file, or something comes up when they scan your passes.

You don’t get a chance to respond, because Josh’s arm is around your waist, and he says,

“Everyone’s been lovely so far, thank you. We’re having a great time already, right, Doll?” Your face flushes.

“It’s a dream, honey.” You respond and kiss his cheek. The employee wishes you a great trip, and you head off to the ship.

“I guess we’re going to have to get used to that, huh?” You don’t move from his arm around you.

“I guess so, honey.” You tell him.

You make your way onto the ship, wondering if this could be different. When you get to your cabin, it’s decorated with wedding stuff, and it makes you and Josh both laugh with red faces. On the bed, are towels in the shape of swans, who make a heart with their necks.

Josh tells you they look just like the two of you, and you can’t help but get this feeling that it’ll be impossible to stay away from him while on this ship, no matter how big it is.

• • •

Day Three:

But then you don’t see much of Josh for the second day of your cruise, finding your day full of drinking and running around with your nephew, who you can’t help but indulge in all the kid stuff. You take him on the slides, in the pools, to bumper cars. You get him a Shirley Temple when he gives you puppy dog eyes.

But during your second day at sea, you sort of want to see Josh. He’s out of the room before you even wake up, even though he got back to the cabin after you went to sleep last night. You miss your fake husband.

So, when you see him by a bar around noon, you approach him.

“You look familiar,” you start, “Do I know you?” You ask, a playful smile on your face. He laughs.

“Could be, we’re getting married next week.” You giggle and ask the bartender for a tropical, fruity, alcoholic drink. Josh asks him to make it two. “I want to say thank you again, for letting me take your douchebags ticket.” You smile at his hatred towards an ex he’s never met.

“Don’t worry about it. Why’d you decide to come on this cruise in the first place?” You ask curiously.

“Well, we got back from tour about a month ago, and we knew we’d be wanting to take a vacation that doesn’t involve preforming anywhere.” This leaves you with more questions then answers, and he sees it on your face, “We play in a band, my brothers and I. We scheduled a tour for this year and wanted to reward ourselves with some relaxation.” Huh. “How about you?”

“Well, my parents wanted me to go with them to celebrate their retirement. Then, it was to get married because that worked out so well.” You know you sound bitter about it. It’s because you are.

“Well, I like your new husband more anyways.” He tells you. It makes you laugh.

“We’re are you from?”

“Michigan, originally. I live in Nashville, now.”

“For music purposes, right?”

“Right.” He takes a sip of his drink, “And you?”

“Atlanta, Georgia.” You told him. “But I don’t know, that cities way too small when you have someone living there that you thought you’d marry.” You confess. “What type of music do you play?”

“Oh, we’ll play anything, but we’re known for our rock and roll.” He smiles.

“Well, what do you like to play?”

“I really love all of it, but my true passion is film. I sing. I’m partial to singing jazz.” He explains.

“Huh..”

“And what about you? What do you do for work?”

“Nothing as cool as singing for a rock and roll band.” You admit. “I’m a teacher. I’ve taught a lot of groups, but my favorite is high schoolers, honestly. I teach English.”

“Oh, an Academic?” You laugh.

“Shut up, film boy.” He fakes a hurt gasp, placing his hand on his chest.

“I’m hurt, Doll. I don’t know if I want to marry you anymore.”

“That’s a shame. We already put the deposit down, I’m not getting my money back.” He laughs with you this time.

You talk a while more, and before you know it, your stomach is rumbling for lunch. He walks you to the popular lunch spot on board and decides to join you for lunch.

You both wind up taking bites from each other’s plates.

“Do you like grapefruit, Doll?”

“God no, I was sick once, so my mom gave me one, supposed to be very good for you,” You pause, “I threw up while eating it and haven’t eaten a grapefruit since.”

“Aw, that’s a shame, it wasn’t the grapefruit’s fault!”

“Yeah, but now I associate the grapefruit with throwing up.” You told him.

“I’m sure the grapefruit longs for your forgiveness, Doll.”

“Shut up, Honey.”

• • •

Day Five:

You wind up spending all of day three with Josh, but you don��t see him much on day four—It’s your first day at the beach you’re docked at, so you both want to spend it with your family.

You learned a lot about him on day three—His favorite foods, his favorite movies, music, stories of him and his brothers on tour, growing up. He learns that you went to school in Florida before moving to Georgia, and that you have a scar on your stomach from getting your appendix removed when you were nine.

Learning about each other makes you yearn for him.

The fifth day, though, he’s still in the room when you get up. He grins at you when you wake up, coming out of the bathroom amid brushing his teeth. His hair is wet from a shower, and you sit up, deciding you desperately need a shower.

“Morning, Pumpkin.” He grins as you grab clothes for the day from your bag.

“Morning, sunshine.” You grumble.

“Do you want to go to the beach with me today?” He asks.

You grin and nod, “Sure. Sounds cool. Just let me shower.”

When you finally head off the ship to the beach, Josh has decided he needs to hold your hand. It’s a requirement, he decides.

“We’re betrothed, after all!” He defends.

It makes you laugh, but you’re happy to hold his hand. The sun beats down on you, but there’s this warmth that feels good. You’re unsure if it’s from the sun or from Josh, but you don’t ask. You just walk with him.  

There’s something that’s just easier with Josh around, something that requires no thinking. You can’t really put your finger on it, but you love being around him.

You pass this private beach that you must pay to get into. Josh, in his infinite wisdom, decides the two of you can have fun with this.

“Do you trust me?” He asks, as he takes your hand and drags you off to a shop with a sign that says, ‘locally made jewelry’ in it’s window.

You’re suspicious, but you would follow him to the end of the earth.

“Absolutely not.” You respond, but make no effort to stop him from walking you to the store. He looks around for a second before pulling you over to the ring section.

“Pick out something nice, we might as well milk the whole marriage thing.” You wind up choosing a delicate looking ring that has gold flower decals and a small black diamond in the middle, which you’re pretty sure isn’t real.

You ask the employee to try it on, and it fits like a glove.

Josh can’t take his eyes off you with this ring he’s about to buy for you.

“We’ll take it.” He says to the employee, handing him his card before you can object, and you look to him.

“You didn’t have to do that.”

“We’re getting married, of course I did.” He jokes, but then he becomes more serious for a moment. “Plus, I told you, I owe you a million times because I wouldn’t be here without you.” He says softly.

You lean forward and kiss his cheek.

“It was my pleasure.” You say softly. The employee is done ringing you up, and he looks like he’s on the verge of tears.

“I just want to say how happy I am for you two. You’re a beautiful couple.” He hands you the ring and you slip it onto your ring finger.

“Thank you.” You tell him, smiling, and admiring your new engagement ring. Josh wishes him a good day and takes your hand to head back to the beach, where the person letting people in stops you and Josh, telling you the cost to get into the beach. Josh goes for his wallet before smoothly throwing in,

“Thanks for this, it’s such a nice place to spend our time before the wedding. One last quiet moment before the chaos leading up to it.”

“Oh, when are you getting married?” She asks.

“Next Thursday.” You smile. “We’re getting married on the cruise ship over there.” You point, and she shakes her head.

“Don’t worry about the admission fee, I remember how chaotic it was to get married in a familiar place, let alone on a boat.” She chuckles softly and lets you pass.

“Thank you so much!” You say gratefully, never letting go of Josh’s hand. He smiles to you.

“You’re a natural.” He says, as soon as you’re far away from the employee.

“Are you kidding? I’m literally shaking, I keep thinking someone’s gonna call our bluff on the whole wedding thing! I don’t know how you’re managing it.” You tell him honestly.

“I think you’re doing great.” He tells you. “Besides, we’re technically not lying! You were supposed to get married next Thursday on the ship, it just wasn’t supposed to be with me and it’s now for your parents.” He reminds. This is true, you suppose. Plus, with Josh, it’s so easy for you to lie and say he’s in love with you or that he’s the love of your life.

The beach is beautiful—It’s clean and quiet, and you both lay in beach chairs that have been laid out for two.

You’re just laying there for a while, but eventually you turn your head to admire him for a while. He wears a short-sleeved button up, that’s this light blue color. It’s opened, exposing his torso. He has on swim trunks too, and his sandals are discarded on the sand. He also wears this pretty necklace that matches his sunglasses.

“I can feel you looking at me.” He says softly, not turning his hand. Your face flushes and you turn your head back and close your eyes, enjoying the feeling of the sun on your skin.

“Sorry. You’re just really gorgeous.” You confess. He smiles.

“Doll, if I didn’t know any better, I’d say you had a crush on me.”

“You’re the one that bought me a ring, Honey.”

“Touche.” Your conversation is cut short when someone approaches you with two pina coladas from the bar. On the house for the happy couple, he says.

After a quick conversation with him, you find out he runs this tropical paradise, and that he’s celebrating twenty years with the woman who waived your admission fee. They got married on this very beach; he tells you. You thank him profusely and when he leaves, you and Josh raise your glasses to each other in celebration for your faux marriage.

“Bajabule.” He hums, taking a sip of his drink.

You think you can get used to being engaged to Josh Kiszka.

• • •

Day Seven:

For those of us in the crowd who have never been on a cruise, there’s always a day on board where you have to dress fancy and nice, and the captain makes this speech, it’s called the captain’s dinner.

When you got engaged to your fiancé, you decided that on this captain’s dinner night, you would book a private, romantic dinner to have a moment of peace before the wedding.

And, like everything else regarding your ex and the wedding, it was nonrefundable, and you were planning on either doing it on your own or giving it to someone else who could enjoy it.

Then, you met Josh. And you had a reason to go.

So, you ask Josh that morning to come with you to this dinner before you leave for breakfast.

“Like a date?” He asks. You smile. Except for swimming and showering, you haven’t taken off your ring.

“Exactly like a date. Be my date tonight, Honey.”

He puts his hand on your cheek.

“Anything for you, Doll.”

So, you spend the whole day excited for your date. You have breakfast with your parents, and then spend the afternoon with your sister and brother, while your sister-in-law takes your nephew and parents to the beach.

You tell them about Josh, and they share this look, you’re not sure what it means, you’re too busy admiring your ring and gushing about how funny and handsome he is.

Your sister sits on your bed, all dressed with her son on her lap as you get ready. You’re nervous and you’re not sure why. Josh gets ready with his brothers.

“You look great,” Your sister assures.

“I just don’t know why I’m so nervous!”

“Maybe because this is your first first date in six years?” That could be it.

“But it’s not with just any random guy, it’s Josh. He’s so casual and cool about everything.”

“Is that supposed to make you feel better?” You see her point.

You sigh and take one last look in the mirror, before slipping on your ring. You turn to your sister.

“How do I look?” Your hair and makeup is nice, and your outfit looks really good on you.

“You look amazing. If he doesn’t like the way you look tonight, he’s not worth it.” You want him to be worth it. You want it desperately; in a way you never knew you could want.

“Thanks.” You smile, nervously. You hear a knock on the door and open it to see him standing there. He wears a white button up with the top two buttons undone, as well as black pants. He’s so good looking it almost kills you.

“Hi.” He grins. “You look amazing.”

“You look amazing.” You respond. You lean forward and kiss his cheek, and he peeks into the room to see your sister and nephew. He greets them and smiles, before taking your hand in his.

“Ready to go?” You nod and tell your sister to give everyone at dinner your love before you head out for your date. Dinner is at this candlelit restaurant, where you and Josh sit at a private table behind this beaded curtain.

“This place is so nice..” You tell him. “I don’t know If I’ve ever been on a first date this fancy.” You confess. He smiles.

“Me neither. It’s beautiful here.” He takes your hand that rests on the table. Your waitress comes in with a bottle of champagne in an ice bucket, introducing herself as Anna, and telling you about the menu for tonight.

“The chef has chosen five courses for our patrons tonight. It isn’t the same as last night’s dishes nor will it be the same as tomorrow’s. It’s preselected, so if there’s any allergies, just let me know. Now, I understand that we’re celebrating a special occasion tonight.” She hums as she pours the two of you champagne.

You look to Josh and wait for him to make up some story about wanting peace and quiet before you get married. Instead, he looks to Anna and says,

“First date. I think this one might just stick, too.”

“First date on a cruise ship? My, what a fairytale.” She smiles. “Well, we hope to give you a night to remember and a start to something wonderful.” She tells you both. “I’ll be back with your first course, soon. Enjoy the champagne, my friends.” She leaves, and you look to Josh.

“Why didn’t you tell her we’re supposed to be engaged?”

“I don’t think she’s the type to tell on us. Besides, this is real. I meant what I said, I want you to stick around...”

“I want you to stick around too.” You confess. You make conversation, getting to know each other through dinner. It’s all delicious, really. Over dessert, you decide that you can’t take it anymore. “I’m having a great time.”

“Me too.”

“I wouldn’t have asked anyone else to go on this date with me.” You confess.

“I would hope not.” He smiled.

“No, Josh, I’m being serious. It has shocked me to my core, but I’m finding myself wanting you more and more.” You tell him, your eyes meet his. “I think one of the best decisions I ever made was giving you that ticket.”

He says your name softly, and when he’s not saying anything like this back to you, you feel tears in your eyes. Is it possible that this man you’ve found yourself falling for has been playing pretend the whole time, the way you were meant to be as well?

“I’m sorry...” You say shakily. “I thought that... That maybe you’d feel the same way about me, but I was- “He squeezes your hand softly.

“Stop. I do want you… I want you so badly it’s destroying me to not have you.” He tells you. Your face flushes. “I’ve wanted you ever since I saw you, and I’ve been thanking whatever force that exists in the universe for meeting you.” He confesses.

Before you can respond, Anna comes back, asking if you want anything else, more champagne, perhaps?

“Can you have someone send it to our room in about two hours?” Josh asks. Anna, who must get that request often, thinks nothing of it.

“Of course. Enjoy the rest of your night, young lovers.” She leaves, and Josh leaves her a generous cash tip, before standing up and grabbing your hand again.

“Come on.” He tells you, and you follow him, curious as to what he has planned. There’s something in his eyes, a spark he gets when he has an idea. You follow him out of the restaurant, your hand locked into his, as you lean your head on his shoulder. He walks with you, all the way up to the top deck of the ship, where it’s quiet and the stars are plentiful. Maybe it’s the alcohol. Maybe it’s the way you’re looking at him. But Josh leans forward and kisses you, and it’s full of a gentleness you haven’t felt in years.

Your hands land on his jaw, as you deepen the kiss slightly, the night air and the passion you feel sends a shiver down your spine, only amplified by Josh’s hands on your hips.

He pulls away for a moment, looking to you.

“Let me take you back to our room.” He says softly.

“To do what?” You ask in a teasing voice. He groans and kisses you again before pulling away to add,

“So, I can make you feel good, Doll. So, I can watch you in pleasure underneath me.” He tells you. His voice is low, and there’s a lust you haven’t heard before.

“Okay.” You tell him.

“Okay?”

“Yes. Yes, Josh, please take me back to the room and fuck me.”

“As you wish, Doll.”

And he does exactly that.

• • •

Day Eight:

Your entire body aches when you wake up, tangled in sheets and in Josh’s arms. You feel amazing. Your eyes flutter open to see him admiring you, and you bury your face in the pillow as you groan. He laughs, his hand gently tracing patterns into your shoulder blade.

“Good morning, Pumpkin.” He says gently, kissing your ear.

“Good morning, Sunshine.” You tell him, before finally picking your head up to look at him. “Josh, I think you’re something equivalent to a sex god.” You say honestly. He laughs.

“Thank you, Baby.” He hums. “Wanna order room service?” He asks.

“Nah... I want you to do that thing you did last night, the one that made me scream.” You reply, and he has this smirk on his lips that makes you want him desperately.

“As you wish.”

You don’t get out of bed until lunch time, and even then, he joins you in the shower.

• • •

Day Nine:

Jake has to beg his brother to come up for air and ask you to join them for drinks that night. He’s worried, maybe that you’ll be scared off by the three of them, or maybe you’ll realize you don’t like him as much.

But you’re thrilled to get to know them, and you head down to the bar around six for drinks and dancing.

“Hey guys!” Sam calls over to you when he sees you. Josh still seems nervous, and you don’t really understand it. You both like each other more than you can put into words, so why is he so nervous for you to meet the three men he calls brothers?

Well, because his brothers are assholes.

You slid into the booth next to Jake, and you go to engage him in conversation. Instead, Sammy loudly calls over to the bartender. “Hey! My brothers getting married next week, how about some shots?”

Josh looks like he might die.

“I am so sorry about him—” You laugh, leaning against him as you try to contain your laughs.

“No, No, it’s funny, I’m glad you told them about it.” You turn back to the boys. “How are you guys enjoying the cruise so far?”

“It’s been great!” Danny yells over the music. “The beaches are so nice!”

“Did Josh tell you about the private beach we found?’

“Yeah! He also told me about the two of you conning your way into free drinks and shit!”

“It’s technically not a lie! I was supposed to be married on Thursday, just not to Josh.” You explain, and Sam laughs.

“You know, Josh has been doing nothing but talk about you, but you’re much funnier than he mentioned.” He hums. You glance over to Josh, who just blushes and rolls his eyes.

“You talked about me? What sort of things does he talk about?”

“Let’s not embarrass him, guys.” Jake says a smirk on his face.

“Thank you, Jake—”

“His new beau doesn’t need to know that he’s constantly gushing about ‘em!” The boys all break out in laughter, and you can’t help but giggle a bit. Josh is overly embarrassed.

“Douchebags! All of you are assholes!” He laughed, not really mad at them. He’s just enamored with you, and despite sleeping with you and telling you as much, it’s still a little bit embarrassing. Not that he’s embarrassed of you, but he finds himself falling for you more and more as the days go by. It’s hard to verbalize.

“Aw, Joshy, they’re just having fun, honey.” You hum. Leaning over and kissing his cheek, a habit you’re finding yourself getting more and more used to.

Shots land in front of the five of you, and Sam holds his up.

“To the happy couple!” You all drink your shots, and you think something crazy.

You think maybe you could get used to doing this. Being a part of their group. Being close to him, to them.

Maybe you could do this for the rest of your life.

You blame it on the alcohol, this feeling that this could last forever.

But when you look at Josh, you’re just enamored by him, in a way that’s deeper than just being a fan or just a crush.

And it crosses your mind for a second.

This crazy idea.

You kiss Josh quick, forgetting about the idea, blaming it on the alcohol again.

• • •

Day Ten:

You wake up with this wicked hangover, and to your disdain, Josh is nowhere to be found. You decide to get dressed and grab breakfast, figuring he’ll either text you or find you when he wants to see you.

But every few moments you’re turning as if you want to say something to him.

It’s frustrating because you know how crazy it is that you like him so much.

And it’s scary because you haven’t felt this way in a long time, maybe even a year or two, because with Josh, you realize how much you weren’t in love with your ex-fiancé, and it’s wild because you thought you’d marry him.

But it’s different with Josh, Better, most definitely. That thought from last night comes back, and you can’t blame it on the liquor anymore, and you can’t blame it on Josh looking amazing in bar lighting, and you can’t blame it on how connected you feel to his brothers because they aren’t around.

Your hand drifts to your ring finger, and you play with your ring, thinking about Josh. You wonder what will happen when you get off this ship. You wonder how it would be taking weekly trips to Nashville, especially when the school year starts and you’re busy with grading and lesson plans.

It all seems totally ridiculous. Why bother then?

But you keep coming back to it. This crazy idea, like an itch you just can’t scratch. You want to verbalize it, you want to ask it of Josh, but you realize how damn wild it is.

Maybe he’ll like that.

You’re lost in your thoughts when you feel a hand on the small of your back. You grin.

“You know, Honey, I—” When you turn around, you don’t find Josh. You find some random asshole who is already drunk, because, when in Rome. “Get the fuck off me, Dude.” You move away from him.

“What’s the matter? You seemed into it before—”

“I thought you were someone else.”

“Oh, you got a little boyfriend?”

“Fiancé, actually.”  Like magic, Josh appears behind the stranger. He looks angry. He looks jealous. He looks hot. “Is there a problem here?” he asked, tilting his head. He moves to you and wraps his arm around your waist.

“No problem, man.” The creepy dude backs off, walking off. Josh looks to you and cups his hand to your cheek.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” You say softly, “I’m okay...” You bite your tongue, before adding, “That was sort of hot—”

“I’m sorry?”

“No, not that asshole, you! Being protective of me like that… I’m not used to it.”

“Oh… Well—”

“And you were jealous. So hot.”

“I was not jealous!”

“Honey, you most totally were! It was so so attractive.”

“Why?” He seems genuine.

“Because... C’mon, I have to tell you a story, but we gotta go sit down so I can tell it.” You sigh. You wind up leaving the restaurant and sitting on a beach chair on the top deck. He keeps his hand on your thigh as you relax. Your heart is beating rapidly, and you’re not sure why you’re so anxious, but Josh seems to sense this.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah. Yeah, I just hate this story…” You take a deep breath before you begin. “I was with my ex for about five years. He asked me to marry him after we booked this cruise, and I don’t know why I said yes… Maybe I loved him, but I wasn’t… In love with him like everyone describes I should be... But he never did anything romantic for me, no flowers, no sexy things, certainly no jealousy… So, I’m not sure why the cheating on me destroyed me so much, but it did. I haven’t felt anything for anyone since then. Until you.” You told him, and he just has this focused look on his face.

“He sounds horrible.” You laugh, tears falling from your face that you didn’t even realize you had. He wipes them tenderly.

“Yeah...” You say softly, leaning into his touch.

“Wanna hear my sob story now?”

“Sure, Honey.”

“I’m falling in love with someone who I met last week and might never see again after Saturday.”

“Josh...”

“We don’t have to ruin anything with commitment, we don’t…” His breath is shaky, and you catch tears running down his face, too. “I just need you to know that I’m falling in love with you, and I have no intentions of staying away from you or stopping that process.”

“I wouldn’t ask you to. Never.” You tell him earnestly. “I’m falling in love with you too.” You wipe his tears. Even crying, your boy is beautiful.

“Well, then we’ll just hope that the ship sinks before it docks so we can go down in history as the lovers who should’ve made it.” He smiles. It makes you cry harder, offering all this comfort but no happiness. Josh frowns and wraps his arms around you. “I’m sorry for making you cry.”

“It’s okay…” You whisper. “You have this way with words... It makes it hard not to be moved or not to fall deeper in love with you.”

“I thought we agreed no preventing the inevitable like falling in love with each other?” You pull away from the hug and wipe his tears. He kisses yours away.

“Right, well I’m instilling a new rule. Not preventing us from falling in love with each other. No more tears, either Kiszka?” You hold out your pinky. He links your pinkies together and then you both kiss the ends of your hands on instinct, giggling when you realize you both did it without words. It’s like an invisible string that had connected you all this time.

“You got it, Doll.” He says softly, before leaning forward and kissing you gently. You decide not to worry too much about it, realizing that if the universe was smart enough to bring you and Josh together for these two weeks, you’d find your way back to each other again. How could you not?

You were falling in love with each other, after all.

• • •

Day Eleven:

You wake up the next day to your favorite sight. Josh tangled in the sheets with you, but for once he’s still asleep. You love it. You wound up spending the day with him and then going to dinner with your family, the night full of laughs, because Josh is just so God damn charming.

He’s so pretty.

You grab your phone from your dresser and then take a photo of him, all sleepy and shining under the sunlight.

His eyes flutter open after a few minutes of you admiring him.

“Well, good morning, Pumpkin.” He says in this low morning voice. Your fingers play with his hair,

“Good morning, sunshine.” You grin, leaning down and kissing his head. He turns to you and smiles.

“What do you have planned for today?” At this question, you groan. Fuck, you forgot everything you have to do today.

“I have a meeting with a notary, who doubles as the cruise line’s wedding coordinator, that I was supposed to go to with my ex…” You sigh. “But now I gotta go and tell them that no, I am not getting married, and that the ceremony is going to be a renewal of vows for my parents.” You sigh and rub your eyes. Josh looks at you, and he has that idea spark in his eyes. You see it, and he knows you see it. “What? What is it?” You ask.

For a moment, you wonder if he has the same idea that you’ve had for the past few days. But that’s crazy, why would he possibly think that you two should go through with it, that you two should get married?

“What if we went through with it? Getting married, I mean?”

Well, I’ll be damned. He did have that thought.

“Josh—” You grin, and he shakes his head, burying his face in his pillow.

“Never mind, that’s dumb, I’m sorry…” He sighs. “We just met, it’s a completely crazy idea, I just can’t get it out of my head, and—”

“Let’s do it.”

“What?”

“Let’s get married.”  What the fuck are you talking about? Why would you agree to this? “It’s bonkers.”

“I completely agree.” He speaks. “You need a dress.”

“We need rings.”

“We need to tell our families…” You grab your phone and start to make a list. Get notarized, get a dress, get rings, tell families. That’s the list.

Busy busy day. Josh takes your hand and kisses the back of it, squeezing your hand. Then, you get up and head off to shower.

As the two of you get ready to meet the notary, you begin to realize how crazy this is. You met Josh what? Ten, eleven days ago? How did you manage to fall in love with him so quickly? You try not to think too much about it. Worst case scenario, you get an annulment, right?

You’re getting married to a rockstar and you’re not even a groupie.

Josh meets you at the door and takes your hand, and you begin to grow nervous. Not to get married but to tell your parents. This was a wild idea that you most definitely did not see them approving of. But you’re an adult, you can make your own choices.

Josh squeezes your hand when you get into the elevator. As the doors close, you begin to kiss him, full of this need.

Eventually, you do make it to your notary, Linda.

“Hi! You must be Mr. and Mrs. Austin—”

“No, actually. Mr. and Mrs. Josh Kiszka, and I have no intention of being Mrs. Josh. Mrs. Kiszka is fine.” You smile.

“Oh, my mistake. I didn’t realize—”

“Spur of the moment decision. Which, I know is crazy and you probably don’t get that a lot, but—”

“Elopements of all types are extremely common especially in the vacation business.” She assures. “And honestly, I met my wife and knew I wanted to marry her after a week. Some people wait years to get married and only last for a few months. Others get married after two weeks and stay together for the rest of their lives. When you know, you know.” She advises. You like that, and grin.

“When you know, you know.” You repeat. “What do we have to do to get married?” She hands you two forms for a marriage license and goes through them with you.

“And are you going to take his last name?”

Kiszka. Mrs. Kiszka. You imagine your students calling you that, imagine the name on your ID, on a sign in your home.

“Yeah. Yeah, I think I will.” You smile. She guides you through the steps to do that on the marriage license.  It takes a while, but you eventually get the licenses filled out, and Linda takes them back.

“Amazing. I’m going to make sure everything looks good here and give you confirmation tomorrow. At the very least, you get married by the captain tomorrow and then when you get back to the states, you’ll fill out the license again, and celebrate your anniversary as tomorrow not when the license goes through.” That seems simple enough.

“Thank you.” You tell her. Josh parrots you, and Linda just smiles.

“Of course. I wish you two a very long and happy marriage.” She says, “Is there anything else I can do for you?”

“Yeah, you remember how we said this was last minute?” She nods. “Where can we get rings and a wedding dress?”

She directs you to a small boutique on the island you’re docked at, somewhere that has lots of gowns for stupid decisions like yours. Then, she tells you there’s a jeweler on board. Is there anything this ship doesn’t have?

So you head off to the jewelers first, and you, honestly, spend more time doing this than anything else. You look at black bands, and they’re not your style. You look at silver, but it really doesn’t go with the gold ring you got the other day.

Then you land on these gold wedding bands. They’re engraved with leaf patterns, and the jeweler advertises custom ring carvings in less than 24 hours.

“Hey,” He says to the attendant at the counter. “Can we see the gold bands?” He takes them out and hands them to you, and you both place it on your right ring finger. It’s bad luck to try them on your left hand, right?

They fit like gloves.

Josh glances up to the attendant. “How long would it take to engrave our initials into each other’s rings with tomorrow’s date?”

“Couple of hours. You can pick them up tomorrow morning.” He tells you two, and Josh nods.

“Great.” He tells him your initials and his, so that he gets them right, and hands him his card.

Your next step is the boutique. And you stop Josh before you go into the boutique.

“Wait here.”

“What?”

“It’s bad luck to see my wedding dress before the day of.” He scoffs, playfully.

“We’re getting married tomorrow, doll. Besides, we’re not really traditional.” He has a point, but you shake your head.

“C’mon, for me? I won’t be long.” You play with his collar. He kisses you gently, and nods.

“Okay, okay. Good luck with your shopping.” He tells you, and you kiss him quickly before heading over to find yourself a wedding dress.

You don’t find a bunch of white options, but here are your options:

The first is a pretty silk thing but it makes your proportions look bizarre. So, you move on.

The second makes you look like a Mormon, with long sleeves and a turtleneck. It goes down to your ankles and is made of a heavy fabric. No, thank you.

The third is a new age dress that is white with complex black designs. You appreciate the look, but you decide it isn’t for you.

The fourth one is one you weren’t excited about, but then when you try it on, it’s all you want. It’s a 50’s style cut, and it comes down just past your knees, with a corset top. But the skirt and corset has floral designs, with the skirt being a thin lace layer with the flower print. It’s gorgeous, and it almost makes you cry to see yourself in the mirror.

It exudes spring energy. You think about Josh’s face when he sees you walk down the aisle.

You go to pay for it at the counter, and you pick up a pair of simple white heels, and a pearl necklace.

There’s a bouquet of flowers that sits by the counter. You get an idea when you see them and throw them into the pile of wedding things you have.

“Special occasion?” The cashier asks, an amused smile on their face as they ring you up.

“My wedding day tomorrow.”

“It’s a beautiful dress.” They hum. “Congratulations.”

“Thank you.” You hum, a blush filling your cheeks.  They put the dress in a garment bag, so it isn’t visible, and you hold the bag in the other hand.

“How’d you make out?” Josh asks.

“Lovley. I even got myself accessories.” You grin. Josh leans forward and kisses you quickly.

“My bride to be…”

“My husband to be.” You say softly. “We need to text our families. Maybe we could have them meet us for dinner and tell them then?”

“Yeah, that’s a great idea.” He says. You whip out your phones and spend a few minutes texting your families on the cruise asking them to dinner. Then, you turn back to your husband to be, for real, not just to get free things.

“Wanna go back to our cabin...?” You smirk. “We should engage in premarital… activities.”

“Oh, Doll… You’ll be the death of me...” He growls, taking your hand and leading you back to the ship.

You spend your time until dinner doing your favorite things with Josh, and then you spend about two hours fashioning your bouquet of flowers into a flower crown, leaving a few to tuck into Josh’s hair and suit pocket.

He was off grabbing coffees for the two of you, when there’s a knock on your door. You answer it, and it’s your sister. Oh.

“Hey!” You grin, going back to your work on the flower crown.

“Hey, why’d you ask your roommate and his family to join us for dinner?” She hums. You’re about to answer when she looks around the room. She sees the garment bag hanging from your bathroom door, the white shoes and pearls, flowers scattered around the room. Her eyes land on the gold wedding bands on your dresser. She says your name, before adding, “You aren’t…”

“Listen, I know how crazy it is—”

“It’s more than crazy!” She says, sitting on the bed with you. “You’ve known him for a week!”

“…Ten days.” You say, a little ashamed, your older sister disapproving of your choices.

“C’mon.” She says.

“Mom and Dad have been married for twenty years.” You say. “They got married after six months. Arthur and Veroncia got married after a year! You had a baby with a guy who you aren’t even dating anymore. So what if I’ve only known him for a week? Who gives a shit? People have gotten married after a week and stayed together their entire life, others get engaged after five years and don’t even make it to marriage!” You sigh, rubbing your eyes. “Maybe it’s a mistake. But it’ll be the best god damn mistake of my life, so just stand by the alter and look pretty for me.” You ask.

She looks at you for a few minutes.

“Okay. Yeah, I’ll be there. You’re right, it could be a mistake, but it could be amazing.” She hums. “You have a nicer man than I do.” She grins. You laugh and hug her. “Now let me see your dress, Mrs. Kiszka!”

That night at dinner, you hold Josh’s hand nervously, as if he’ll float away if you let go. Your two families get along great. Your parents love his, your siblings quickly get accustomed to his, and your nephew sits on Josh’s lap, and they entertain each other.

Between Dinner and Dessert, when your nephew returns to his seat, you stand up and gently clink your glass for everyone’s attention.

“Hi everybody. Thanks so much for coming tonight,” Is this a rehearsal dinner? “So, a few of you might have noticed my ring, and uh—It started as a joke. To get free stuff.” You say, earning a few laughs at the table. “But it developed into something more.” You look to Josh. “And what I’m about to say, is crazy, I know that. And I’ve been thinking about it for a few days, and nothing has ever felt so right. So support us or not, I don’t care. This is what’s happening and—”

“Spit it out already!” Your dad laughs. You pause, your hands shaking. Josh takes it in his.

“So, Josh and I are getting married tomorrow.”

Silence. No response. You feel tears in your eyes.

“Mozel Tov!” Your mom gasps, standing up and going over to the two of you. She hugs you tightly, and her congratulations break the tension of the table as the rest of them come over to congratulate you.

Anyone who has reservations against your decisions keep them to themselves. Jake comes over to congratulate you two, and suddenly Josh is nervous again.

“Congrats, man!”

“You’re not mad?” Josh asks.

“Mad? You’re marrying a girl you met last week. That is so rock and roll!” He pulls josh into a hug, and then he hugs you. “Oh, good luck, hot stuff.” He hums and kisses your cheek. You feel loved.

“Good,” Josh grins, “Because you’re going to be my best man.” You turn to your parents.

“You’re not mad?” You ask.

“No, of course not. It’s crazy, but you’re an adult. If you love him, you need to do what’s best for you.” You grin.

“Thank you. We should schedule a different renewal of your vows, too, and—” Your dad hugs you.

After dessert, you hold your nephew in your arms, and he’s sleepy.

“Is Josh gonna be my uncle?” He asks softly, and you smile, kissing his head.

“Yeah. I think so...”

“Good. He’s cool…” You look at Josh and admire him laughing with your sister and his brothers.

“Yeah. I think so too.”

• • •

Day Twelve:

Your wedding day goes by way too quickly, and before you know it? You’re slipping on your heels and clipping the pearl necklace around your neck. Your phone rings.

It’s Josh.

“Hey, Honey. What’s going on?” You ask.

“Doll, there’s a photographer by the venue, was this planned?”

Shit. You forgot about that.

“Yeah, uh, let her take photos of you and our families, and she’ll photograph the ceremony. Then, she’ll take photos of the happy couple.”

“Oh yeah? And who would that be?”

“I love you, Joshua.”

“I love you.” He says your name. You hang up, and your parents are knocking at your door. You open it, and they’re speechless at your ensemble.

“Does Arthur have the wedding rings?” You ask, hoping he’ll give them to your nephew.

“Oh, baby, you look beautiful.” Your mom coos, and it hits you.

You’re getting married.

You grin, and head down to the small venue that has been put together on the ship. The photographer takes a few photos of you, and you’re suddenly happy you paid for the whole package.

And then it’s time. Your parents walk you down the aisle, and when you see Josh standing there, his brothers as his best men, your sister stands with your nephew on the other side of the alter. You kiss your parents quickly, before you stand in front of Josh, taking his hands. Your cheeks hurt from smiling.

“Hey.” You say softly.

“Hi…”

“This is crazy, right?” You whisper.

“Absolutely. You look amazing.” He hums. It’s funny because he looks ethereal. The flowers in his hair look amazing.

“You look amazing.”

“I love you.”

“I love you.”

The captain, your officiant, begins the usual--- Telling everyone why they’re here, about life and death.

“Do you two want to say a few words?” He asks.

“I’ll go.” Josh says gently. “For a long time, I never thought I’d find anyone who could keep up with me. Who could love me for all the parts of me… And then you came along and immediately, you showed me this infinite kindness. I knew I would never get over you in that moment. I love you. And I hope this marriage is an infinite source of happiness and wild adventures. And if not, fuck it—” He cringes, realizing he used fuck in his wedding vows, “Fuck it. Let’s make it a crazy and fun marriage even if it only lasts a week.” You almost kiss him right there and then.

“Josh, I don’t… I never really thought I’d fall in love again. I never thought I would fall in love with anyone again. I… I thought that maybe… Maybe I was unlovable or...” You play with his fingers. “Whatever. But when I met you, I realized that I didn’t know what love was before you came into my life. And since I’ve met you, life has just been crazy, full of love and this… this general glow for life. I love you. I love you deeper than anyone I’ve ever known, and I like to think we have a golden type of love. I’ll love you forever, no matter what. Marriage or not.”

You realize you’re crying and Josh wipes your tears.

“I thought we promised no more crying, doll.”

“Sorry, Honey.” You whisper.

The Captain smiles and looks to you.

“Do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband, in sickness and in health? In richer and in poorer? For better and for worse?”

“I do.” A ring is slipped onto your finger.

He turns to Josh.

“Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife, in sickness and in health? In richer and in poorer? For better and for worse?”

“I do.” You slip a ring onto his.

“You may now kiss the bride.” And he does. He places his hands on your hips and pulls you in, kissing you deeply.

The rest of forever starts now, and with Josh by your side, that doesn’t seem so daunting.

• • •

Day Thirteen:

Only technically is it day thirteen.

After the ceremony, the photographer dragged you and Josh off to take photos, and then you went to dinner. You had cake, and then the party really started. Josh’s parents and your own call it an early night and promise to watch over your nephew.

The rest of you go out and drink until you and Josh stumble off into the night. It’s around two a.m., maybe three.

You lay on the beach chairs that you had your talk on back on day ten. Josh holds your hand as you listen to the waves crash, and even drunk, you admire the stars from the top deck.

“Honey?”

“Yeah, Doll?”

“I love you.”

“I love you.”

“What happens when we get off the boat..?”

“We…” he sighs softly. “We try long distance. We can make It work until we decide to move in together.”

“It’ll probably be a while, unless I can get a job before the school year starts in Nashville...”

“I’ll wait for you.”

“And when you go on tour?”

“You’ll knit on our porch and wait for me to come back.”

“You’ll write songs about me?”

“Baby, every song is about you.” You kiss his cheek. “It’s all about you...” He hums.

You listen to the waves crashing as Josh starts to sing you something. Light My Love, you think.

It makes you realize you’ll never regret marrying him.

• • •

Day Fourteen:

You have to get off the ship early. Like, eight a.m. and you have to say goodbye to Josh.

You say goodbye to his parents, his sister, and then his brothers. Jake holds you close for a while, and then tells you,

“See you around, Sister. Be strong, yeah?” You smile and kiss his cheek. He climbs into the car, and you’re left with Josh.

Your husband.

You wrap your arms around his neck, and he places his hands on your waist.

“I love you.” You whisper. “Don’t be a stranger...”

“A stranger? How could I ever be a stranger to my wife? I love you. We’re gonna spend the rest of our lives together, doll. I don’t give a fuck about distance. You’re the only thing that’s ever been easy.”

“I’m a real hassle.”

“Oh, don’t be so dramatic.”

“I want a divorce.” You giggle. He laughs and kisses you, pulling you close. He hugs you for a while. Neither of you say anything. You want to cry. But you don’t. You maintain your composure. You begin planning, you’ll drive up to Nashville next weekend, you’ll make it work.

You have no other options.

None.

You have to be with him. It’s like breathing, it’s the most natural thing in the entire world.

“I love you.” He says, pulling away to look at you. “Doll, I love you so fucking much.”

“I love you, honey.” You kiss him one more time, and then he leaves. He climbs into his car, and you start to cry on the walk back to your car. Your family says nothing, and you just cry as you start to drive. Your nephew frowns, and looks down at his dinosaur blanket, that always makes him feel better. He takes your hand in his and doesn’t say anything.

You begin to look for teaching jobs in Nashville, searching for apartments too. As you’re searching for something, you get a text.

“Good morning, by the way, Pumpkin. See you soon?” You smile and wipe your tears, before texting back.

“good morning, sunshine. see you soon.”

[christophersturnilover]

Do you think i made it inside your house?

this story has some lines from popular halloween movies!

this is based on the songs

This story contains MURDER. This story is pretty long and English is not my first language! Not proofread.

Warnings- Murder, mentions of blood, angst, crying, stalking and i think thats it?

⋆.ೃ࿔*:･⋆.ೃ࿔*:･⋆.ೃ࿔*:･⋆.ೃ࿔*:･

It was close to October, the stores were halloween themed and the cold breeze with the scent of pumpkin spice would fill your nostrils each morning you'd awake.

You'd go to your nearest coffee shop to buy your favorite coffee. A pumpkin spice latte cold or warm, which ever you chose it really didnt matter because, the only reason you had gon the last few days was because there was this guy.

His name was Christopher, you found him attractive. But unfortunately you were unlucky and he had already been in a relationship.

You would only want him to serve you but you were to embarrassed to even order infront of him, he'd obviously catch onto this pretty quickly and one day he asked you to hang out,

as friends but you said you were busy.

You suddenly felt envy towards him and his girlfriend everytime they'd hang out at the coffee shop during his breaks.

One night, you cried all eight full hours because you felt like you weren't enough or pretty enough for him.

That sadness quickly turned into hatred and jealousy.

The week after that, on a Friday you found yourself digging up your backyard to hide a fucking body.

How it happened. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁˖ . ݁

Ever since that night you cried, you wouldn't stop having dreams of Chris' girlfriend dead right on her living room floor as Chris was at the store getting snacks for both of them.

You had pretty much picked up the sign that maybe you should act on what your dreaming about.

You had been looking at where she goes to find the perfect moment to get rid of her, everyone as in your thoughts believed she was most vulnerable at her own home, Alone.

You saw she never acted on her thoughts and was only nice when Chris was around. Maybe she did infact deserve to be gone.

Yeah, "violence isn't always the answer" you thought. But isn't it sometimes? You tried so hard to gaslight yourself into believing you werent a bad person if you murdered someone just because she was a dick to other people and dated the guy you liked.

You followed her for three days straight and she rarely left her house unless it meant meeting up with your future boyfriend, Chris.

And once when you were following her, she realized it.

"Are you fucking following me?" She spat getting some of her damn spit on your face. Gross.

"What? No im waiting for my friends" You lied straight out of your teeth.

"Let's not lie hon, the only reason your following me is because you like MY boyfriend Chris so bad and you want to be me. But lets be honest, with the amount of depression and loneliness you hold, your future is absolute shit." She said.

Yeah she may have gagged but you wanted to stab her throat right there and then. If it weren't for all these morons watching the scene her guts would have been entirely ripped out of her stomach.

You walked away from her slowly going to this random group of people you didn't know,

But quickly went back to following her home.

It darkened quite quickly and you quietly entered through the open bathroom window. "What a fucking idiot" you thought.

She was on call with Chris completely ignoring what he was saying,

"hey, are you listening?" he said sweetly.

"yeah! of course" she said sarcastically.

You'd watched her every move, if she even moved an inch you'd want to drop kick this hoe into god knows where.

"hey, chris, i always feel somebody's watching me. i dont know why." she said, clearly scared of some presence always watching her every move.

They eventually hung up and you walked closer to her, my boots would creek everytime you'd move but you wouldn't complain.

"Who's there‽" she asked afraid to actually go and see.

She quickly locked her house through her phone.

Keeping your ghostface role you gave her a call from an unknown number,

"Who's this?" she asked in a rude tone.

"Do you think i made it inside your house before you could rearm?" you asked with my voice changer.

She hung up, scared. You could see it in her watery brown almost black eyes she was afraid. But you couldn't care less and acted on proceeding with your plans.

You went up behind her and ran your knife straight on her lower abdomen. She screamed so loud you bashed her head right on her marble counter causing her to drop on her floor. You continued to stab her on her stomach and on her chest, watching her choke on her own blood gave you some type of satisfaction.

Maybe you were insane or maybe you liked watching people you hated suffer to death.

She tried yelling but wasn't able to because of how you cut her throat. Ear to ear.

You didn't give a fuck about the mess in her house but you took her lifeless pale body and tossed it into and trash can. You dragged it towards your house and to your backyard and began to dig up a hole to the size of her body.

You had a crippling anxiety of getting caught but did it matter at this given moment? absolutely fucking not.

You threw her body in the hole and covered it then went inside your house but right when you opened your door, you saw a pale chris standing inside your house.

"Who are you? you killed her. you fucking psycho." he spat clearly angry and horrified.

He tried walking out but you pushed him making fall and slide back on the floor.

"Dont fucking start with me because im not afraid to end another life!" you threatened.

He moved back as you stepped closer,

"P-please no!" he stuttered.

"No one wants you to die sweetheart, but sometimes you dont really have choice." you said while holding your knife against his pale, creamy skinned neck.

"I won't snitch! please!" he begged as he squirmed to get out of your tight hold.

"stop fucking moving!" you spat cutting open his neck as his warm dark red blood spilled everywhere.

You were in awe as he chokes on his own blood trying to breathe but can't. You started to feel bad but sometimes you can grieve over the stuff you should and shouldn't have done.

And suddenly you found yourself sobbing, trying to find a way to help yourself stop what you did but you couldn't. There was absolutely nothing to justify both of the murders you committed that night.

⋆.ೃ࿔*:･⋆.ೃ࿔*:･⋆.ೃ࿔*:･⋆.ೃ࿔*:･

[jadevine]

Deadpool and Wolverine musings, Part 1 - On Deadpool knowing he’s Deadpool, the Worst Wolverine, and a Hero That Never Was: How the theme of failure in "Deadpool And Wolverine" hits too close to home for another would-be actor.

--- So now that I've processed Deadpool and Wolverine, it really hurts to see the theme of failure and being “the one who’s WATCHING people be awesome” woven through the story. You probably know someone like me, dear readers. I have big dreams, but no big friends or big bank account to pull them off.

The Deadpool franchise’s nature as a self-aware side of the Marvel Universe folds painfully into my own experiences as an artist.

As usual for Deadpool, the start of the movie is a wild ride: We open on him desperately digging up Wolverine’s grave from the end of “Logan,” because Deadpool needs Wolverine’s help--and he’s in serious denial that Wolverine died. Turns out that yes, he did. And Deadpool ends up fighting some furious Time Variance Authority soldiers… with Logan’s decaying skeleton. To the hilariously unfitting song of “Bye Bye Bye” by NSYNC.

Millennials, we can feel old now. I remember when NSYNC was rolling out their CDs in the early 2000s, and when I decided I was too cool for NSYNC anymore, I threw that shit away. Apple is now laughing at me for buying this one song again, twenty years later.

We then get plunged into an explanation of why Deadpool is desperate for Logan’s help, and boy howdy, does he need HELP.

--

Wade and Vanessa started having relationship issues between Deadpool 2 and this movie, so he tried to sign up for the Avengers to give his life purpose. In his interview with Happy Hogan (HELLO, SIR, IT’S GREAT TO SEE YOU AGAIN!!! WADE, SHUT UP ABOUT HAPPY BEING A CHAUFFEUR!!!), Wade says he wants to be an Avenger because “he needs it.” Why? Deadpool sure loves the battles that the Avengers are known for, but I don’t think he wants to be an Avenger JUST for violence or glory. There’s one MORE thing that the Avengers are known for: Being friends. And with it, being LOVED.

The running theme in Deadpool’s movies is his nagging insecurity and loneliness. In the comics and movies alike, he is constantly trying to join the X-Men or the Avengers, but his main problem is… Deadpool himself! You are your own worst enemy, as the saying goes.

He’s ruthlessly good at killing, loves his gallows humor, and he’s reckless as hell. The usual expression that someone’s weird/crazy is “having a wire (or a few wires) loose,” but Deadpool’s like an electric rat-king of jumbled wires. (A cash register at my work has one of those bad boys. I am constantly worried if it’s okay.) Later in the movie, Wolverine thinks Deadpool has ADHD because of how insufferably chatty he is, and while Deadpool’s constantly called “crazy” because other characters just don’t like him, fan speculations and writer depictions abound on what KIND of mental disorder he might have.

As TV Tropes would put it, Deadpool is “The Friend Nobody Likes.” Other heroes tolerate him because he’s skilled, but not many LIKE HIM. And he is all too aware of it, especially in the films, so by the time of Deadpool and Wolverine, he WANTS to be a hero.

As I mentioned before, he says to Happy that he NEEDS to be an Avenger.

But Happy tells him, “The Avengers don’t do the job because they need it, they do the job because people need THEM. Understand the difference?”

Many Avengers fans understand the core of the Avengers, and of the superhero genre as a whole.

I did not miss the shots in Happy’s office of notable objects in the main Marvel Cinematic Universe--and maybe Wade was looking at them, too. We call those “Easter eggs” because people will scour the film for them.

-Tony’s very first heart reactor, with the engraving of “Proof that Tony Stark has a heart.”

-One of Captain America’s old shields.

-Old pieces of Iron Man’s armor.

-A photo of Tony himself and Peter Parker.

Then comes the hurt-y part: “Please, Mr. Hogan, I don’t want to spend the rest of my life like an annoying one-trick pony.” Ouch, Wade. I am all too familiar with the sense of failure, and feeling like I annoy everyone by existing.

So Happy says to Wade, “The problem might be that you’re reaching a little too high. Aim for the middle and you’ll never miss. I think you got a good heart, I believe what you’re saying, but not everyone’s the world-saving type. Shoot for the middle and you’ll never miss.”

And after he’s rejected, Wade officially breaks up with Vanessa. WHY, motherfuckers?! THEY ARE MY POWER COUPLE!

So with no Vanessa and no Avengers, Wade becomes increasingly insecure/depressed, and he leaves the Deadpool work behind and takes a car-sales job with his former X-Force teammate Peter to pay the bills. If that is not an allegory for the constant misery of being an artist who doesn’t know anyone important, and doesn’t have the money to make knowing important people EASIER, I don’t know what is.

I spent years trying to get people to read my novel drafts on Wattpad so I can get them cleaned up and published for real, and then I could be a REAL FUCKING WRITER. And that wore me out, because I’m not a marketer and I’m already introverted. I spent years not being able to afford updated headshots to audition for shows, so I could finally be a REAL FUCKING ACTOR and do something that wasn’t a college production… but after I finally got new headshots, guess what happened? I’M STUCK AT MY DAY-JOB TO GET MONEY.

While I’m trying to be a real fucking actor and a real fucking novel writer, I’ve combined them into an unholy sandwich, by writing a superhero story that deconstructs the idea of “who gets to be called a hero, and who’s just a gangster/vigilante?” It involves the Tagalog deities being stuck in California as undocumented immigrants.

I feel like I asked every Filipino theater I know of about workshopping this script or giving it a reading or two when the draft is done. Like, I’m Filipino-American and I’m writing about Filipino mythology and Asian-American superheroes--I don’t expect people to spring a whole production onto the stage when I say go, but surely people would want to check my script out or keep tabs on me? Something to get the ball rolling?

But that involves having GOOD luck, and I don’t seem to have any. The theaters who bothered to answer me say it sounds cool, but they don’t have the resources, or how this script is expensive to pull off, so I’ll need to find someone willing to take a risk and fund my production.

I wanted to fucking laugh at those folks, because that means THEY’RE not willing to risk things for me. I want to laugh because if I don’t, I’m gonna murder something.

As Deadpool said in his very first movie: "Fake laugh, hiding real pain."

PEOPLE SAY THEY CAN’T AFFORD ME? WHEN I SPENT YEARS HUMILIATING MYSELF, ASKING IF SELFIES WERE OKAY TO USE FOR AUDITIONS, BECAUSE I COULDN’T AFFORD TO UPDATE MY THEATER HEADSHOTS?

This one time, I could have gone to Canada for a writing conference. It was about how Filipinos and the Filipino diaspora use their culture and spirituality as inspiration for their work. I sent them an email about my poetry and writing, and I didn’t really think they’d answer me, so I was pleasantly surprised when someone DID answer, and they thought my work sounded beautiful!

But then they said I’d have to get to Canada, pay the attendance fee, find a hotel and get from a city (either Toronto or Ottawa) to the buttfuck wilderness of a regional park, where the conference was actually being HELD.

So I said (politely), “Oh, I didn’t realize you wanted to hold a conference in Canada, but had no way to… GET NON-LOCAL SPEAKERS TO THE CONFERENCE. I figured you’d be handling at least some of the costs. I won’t be able to go, then.”

One of my friends, bless her heart, started a GoFundMe on my behalf. It went nowhere, so neither did I, but she tried. Another of my friends said it felt really messed up that they wanted me to pay the attendance fee AS A SPEAKER.

In my only bout of less-bad luck, I submitted some angry decolonizing poetry about the Tagalog gods to a show halfway across the state, and the team absolutely loved it… but that was before I had updated headshots. When the recent Facebook memories with a photo of the brochure showed up, I got to see my fucking Facebook selfie smack in the middle of everyone else’s nice, professional headshots, and that really stings.

I wish I was like Deadpool, and I had some time-traveling friends to go back and replace it with one of my REAL headshots. But I can’t spend all my time cringing, so I’m not only writing my stories, but saving up to pay 50-100 actors for a table reading.

I GET ONE SHOT AT GETTING MY SCRIPT OFF MY LAPTOP AND INTO THE WORLD. ONE SHOT THAT’S GONNA HURT MY BANK ACCOUNT. MAXIMUM EFFORT IS MY STATE’S MINIMUM HOURLY WAGE, MOTHERFUCKERS.

And that’s probably going to be my only shot. I don’t know anyone in theater professionally, because I never got a chance to WORK WITH anyone professionally.

For my script, I have three or five Filipino actor “friends” (more like acquaintances) whose shows I’ve watched a few times, so I told them how I have a superhero script that I’d love to get a reading for when the first draft’s finished, and I will pay everyone for a table reading in a couple months. And if they have ten or fifteen more friends of varying ethnicities, please ask them if they think my script sounds cool as well.

I hope I didn’t sound too desperate.

I try not to outwardly beg, but I don’t have a good gauge on that. I was the only Filipino in my theater class for years, so I never knew how to TALK about my extremely Filipino-oriented urban-fantasy, or if my stuff was ACTUALLY good or just weird. I went to open mics for a short but lovely few months, before I had to stop.

I couldn’t even afford MONTHLY TRIPS to read my work. Not only for no pay, but I had to pay AN ENTRY FEE and deal with the parking in this driving hellhole of a state. And then being a BROKE Filipino who still lives with my mom and works in food service? I always feel like I’m begging for scraps of attention.

I love art.

I love making art.

But with so many things depending on who you know--whether you can afford to go to shows, or go to school, or go to parties so you can FIND people to know--art really makes you feel shitty and poor sometimes.

My friends and about twenty or so Wattpad reviewers like my work, and they say I’m a great writer. It always makes me feel nice.

But when I try to get someone IN POWER, someone with MONEY, to check out my work and say the same things, that’s where I start feeling like Wade in the Avengers Tower--so close to the heroes I’ve heard about my whole life, seeing the things they use, the photos of people they love--and begging the doorman to let me be a hero, too.