#no matter what you believe this is true
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Don't listen to existential depression, it's just the venom that your religion stung you with when you left it to try to get you to stay/come back, just like an abuser gaslighting their victim that they're "nothing without them".
#atheism#existential ocd#existential crisis#existentialism#no matter what you believe this is true#wether there's a spiritual world or not#it's true that we are enough for ourselves
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Seen quite a few people comment how they believe it's more likely the Dragodile Divorce happened due to ideological differences rather than because Dragon was too straight to stay with Crocodile, and. Like I did suggest that (or at least tried to) in my Crocodad Giga Thesis (really I should've been more clear about it in my essay so I wouldn't be writing this now lol), but like yes, Dragon and Crocodile absolutely have drastically different beliefs on How One Overthrows The World Government. And that absolutely could have contributed to the two separating and/or Crocodile deciding to go his own way instead of becoming a proper Revolutionary
Because like, as I tried to imply in the essay (but failed to deliver); if Crocodile's goal had always been to get Pluton so he could just nuke Marijoa off the face of the earth by himself and end it all in one go, then Crocodile and his way of thinking could work as this, like... contrasting opposite to how Dragon believes things should be done. Some fans (unfairly imo) call Dragon a "fraud" because over the past 20+ years he has only attacked Marijoa and the WG directly just once, and even when he did, instead of doing something to stop their corrupt reign for good... the Revs destroyed... the Tenryuubito's... food storage..? Like. Sure, that'll bother them for a little while, get their panties in a good twist etc, but in the end they're just going to demand more tributes and more free food. The Revolutionary Army may be successfully inspiring more people and more countries to rebel against the World Government's corrupt rule, but the Tenryuubito are still in power and will continue to be in power for a long time. And that's kind of how Crocodile would greatly complement Dragon within the narrative. Dragon being arguably "too soft" with his slow, methodical way of overthrowing the WG, while Crocodile would just kill them all without mercy, even if it meant hurting innocent people in the process. The two would act as the opposite sides of the same coin, the different extremes of the same spectrum. Crocodile would become like a response to the complaints people have against Dragon.
And yeah, the two having such wildly different ideological views could VERY EASILY contribute to a divorce, for sure.
My thing is that... If (and this is an if) Crocodile is meant to go a character arc and grow as a person, if we're meant to see him as a sympathetic character at all and maybe even feel bad for him... It'll be much harder to write that if the Dragodile Divorce happened only because of the two having ideological differences. Like who's going to feel bad for Crocodile if the two got divorced because Crocodile wanted to mass murder people and Dragon wasn't okay with it? That's not a tragedy, that's not a situation where we as the readers would feel for Crocodile and want to root for him. That's not something that would give a character unprocessed emotional trauma to heal from and overcome. He'd just be a villian who'd need to have his beliefs changed.
Where as, if The Divorce was caused by Dragon and Crocodile no longer being compatible due to Dragon being straight while Crocodile transed his gender... Even in the most respectful of scenarios that is a heartbreaking situation, a painful thing to go through. That is a tragedy without bad guys, a story where you could feel bad for Crocodile and want to root for him. That is a situation that would give him trauma to heal from.
And that's kind of why I so strongly believe in Crocodile's transition being a more important, contributing factor in The Divorce. Again, this does absolutely depend on what Crocodile's actual role in the story is going to be and whether or not he's even meant to go through a character arc at all. Like if he's not going to be that important and if he isn't meant to go through an arc then sure, Crocodile's transition doesn't have to matter one fucking bit. But if he is meant to go through an arc, if we are meant to feel bad for him and find outselves rooting for him eventually... From a writing perspective, that'll be far easier to do if we can find ourselves sympathizing with him even just a little bit.
Also like. Yes, you can have queer characters who are just queer for the sake of being queer, their queerness does not have to be an important aspect in them or a huge plotpoint in their story at all. Crocodile could be queer just for the sake of being queer. Because that's what it's like being queer, you just are what you are. At the same time, from a writing perspective. What would even be the point of making him queer if it didn't matter to his character at all and have an impact on his character?
Also while Crocodile and Dragon clearly have very different beliefs on how the WG should be dealt with right now, we don't really know when Crocodile came to his beliefs. Like for all we know Crocodile could've formed his worldview years after the divorce. Hell, based on the way he spoke to Vivi about her ideals, and how we know he spent over a decade in utter emotional solitude, his current worldview could have been partially born from resentment towards Dragon (and his ideals) that's been simmering away over the years.
All of this to say; yes I think the two's beliefs could have been a contributing factor in The Divorce, but from a writing perspective (and based on the direction I personally want to see the story go), I find it far more likely if Crocodile's transition was the main cause, one way or another.
#Moon posting#OP Meta#Dragodile#Like for me it's either they divorced because of the transition OR the transition AND ideology#But not because of the ideology alone#There is also something to be said about people having it hard to imagine Oda writing something... So nuanced about trans people#Which. Fair. Like eight months ago I had zero fucking hope either#But also if you look at how Oda has been writing characters (queer or not) you can see he should actually Get It#Like when I shared that video from MelonTeee about Katakuri and joked about Katakuri being trans as hell. Like yes I was joking#But also the way MelonTeee explained Katakuri's story made me realize how queer coded it actually was#If Oda can write about Katakuri having to hide his true self from his family for a fear of rejection for who he really is#Then maybe Oda can write about Crocodile being rejected by his significant other for who he truly was#One Piece is so much about finding love and acceptance no matter what and no matter who you are#I think Oda could do it. I want to believe
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Wait if all the journal 3 pages were restored after Weirdmageddon why does Bill’s book insist there were still missing pages that just conveniently happened to pertain to his incredibly sad backstory and concepts brought up earlier in that same book
#going off of memory here for that first bit but iirc the journal gets chucked into the bottomless pit alongside the other two#with all of their pages still intact#right?#so then why would bill have more pages if there shouldn’t be any more?#gf#screw it this goes in the general tags too#gravity falls#the book of bill#ANSWER ME YOU FUCKASS TRIANGLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#ALSO if the answer is supposed to be “ford tore them out of the journal out of shame” wouldn’t it make more sense to leave them in as a-#cautionary tale? he already left the “my muse” pages in why should these be any different? to protect his identity? fiddleford’s?#the last half of journal 3 throws all anonymity out of the window too#so then if he didn’t tear the pages out himself… why would bill have them? HOW would he have them; he’s stuck in the theraprism!#did he stow them away somewhere? nope; he burnt the journals and then got punched into oblivion. could one have popped up at the theraprism#nope; specifies its journal 3 lost pages! how could he have gotten journal 3?#okay so the pages are fake. what about the events that happened on them?#look into my eyes and tell me you really believe fiddleford won against the krampus. the guy who built a mind eraser gun after getting-#snatched by a different monster.#sure SOME events could have happened— who’s to say they didn’t? but when you take into account everything else about the pages and the book#how believable is it really?#how believable is anything he says for that matter? how much are truths? half truths? lies on paper but truths from a different angle?#“LIE UNTIL WHAT YOU WANT TO BE TRUE BECOMES TRUE.”#“LIE UNTIL YOU CANT REMEMBER WHATS A LIE AND WHAT ISNT.”#“LIE UNTIL YOU ARENT LYING ANYMORE”#how much are lies that he wishes were true?
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euughh just saw someone say that Celegorm kidnapping Lúthien to force her into marriage was "out of character" and just. I understand the urge to smooth the edges off your blorbo's flaws or whatever but if you've gotten to the point where you genuinely believe the author's portrayal of his own character isn't in line with canon then I think you just misunderstood what you read
#do you know what “out of character” means?#they're warmongers. they deliberately sent finrod to his death to usurp his kingdom. why do you think they're above kidnapping#unless you think murder is somehow a lesser crime than kidnapping or SA for whatever reason. because that's just bs#this is why I don't engage with the silm fandom as much. I feel like people just flat out get their fanons mixed up with canon#it seems like most people are either very “pro-Fëanorian” or “pro-Doriath” with little to no inbetween#when there are very few “true” heroes in the silmarillion. and the Fëanorians are not among them. nor is Thingol for that matter#it's almost as if that's the entire point!! :0 (sarcasm)#not tagging this with fandom stuff because I don't want to upset people but if it breaches containment that's out of my control#I have nothing against fanon because I'm deep in the fanon sauce myself#but when people say stuff like this I can't help but believe we just didn't read the same book#my post#personal
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Sister "I became skilled at so many things just so I would still have value" Beatrice not having hobbies makes me feral. Camila has her music, Shannon had her art, Mary had her cooking, Lilith has her being-a-massive-bitch, and Beatrice is over there like "I have encyclopedic knowledge of the fighting styles of every woman in this convent, and also I have spreadsheets"
girl, ava shouldn't have to yeet herself into another dimension for you to realize you need a better work-life balance
#no wonder you reached your breaking point the first time someone really invested themselves in you as you are#rather than judging your worth by what you could bring to the table#(teen bea at boarding school like maybe if I'm top of my class maybe if I'm winning martial arts tournaments maybe they'll let me come home#teen bea devoting every waking moment to bettering herself because that's the only way she could get her parents to notice her as a kid#teen bea losing herself in the focus and isolation of individual sport)#(adult bea trying and trying and planning a museum heist and /failing/ and losing ava and if she can't do what's asked then she's worthless#adult bea coming undone becoming desperate chasing and chasing and chasing and vehement that Ava thinks she has worth as a matter of course#believes in that and believes in Ava hard enough to power through the fog plague#adult bea who enters the church and flies true as an arrow towards ava comes back to her path every time she's dealt with an opponent#adult bea heading dead ahead towards her north star towards the space at ava's side where she belongs)#warrior nun#sister beatrice#ava x beatrice#avatrice
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He said "Fuck this shit, I'm out" I'm crying. Toriyama's Vegeta was so top shelf 🤌
(From Neko Majin Z Chapter 5!)
#dbtag#Idk why Toei didn't lean into Vegeta being a version of Piccolo you could put in funnier situations like Toriyama wrote#He's reserved and professional and proud but JUST immature enough to bite down on a gag that Piccolo would readily swerve#But they take a lot of Goku's chaotic comedy away too in favor of Hero(tm) writing and that is why I keep pulling my hair out aklsjdlas#Toriyama was sO funny and it bums me out so much that the anime derailed how lighthearted and straight up silly the humor is#and replaced it with Misogyny Is Funny and humiliation kinks asjklfhadjk and it's not just my complaints about Vegeta and Bulma!!#“Goku is running away from his very reasonable wife because he is a goofy little guy who doesn't want to do his chores” becomes#“Chichi is Cruel to Goku who is Trying to be a good husband because she doesn't relate to his passions and vilifies him for having them"#which is not their dynamic at all but dudes in the writing room are like “being married is fucking awful amirite fellas hahaha”#but Toriyama was like “Being married is not for everybody but it can be really great if you and your partner are on the same page”#Chichi's reasonable! And Goku isn't romantically wired but Goku can enthusiastically consent to sex and still not enjoy kissing#those things can be and are true for a lot of people! And it makes even more sense if you hc Goku to be aspec (and audhd coded) like I do#Kissing can feel gross and can be a sensory overload for many folks. Doesn't mean they're stupid or innocent.#(although Goku CAN still ride nimbus so idk what Pure entails in this universe askljad)#Like I am the FIRST person to joke and drag Goku about his marriage as an aspec myself but like legit Goten is a Last Night On Earth baby#He knows what sex is. But also between how socially removed Goku is and how Shy and Conservative Chichi it's not out of line#to assume the actual words sex and kiss have never been spoken in that house skljdlajdf I FULLY believe Chichi uses code words#Chichi thinks her son being blonde makes him a delinquent and still uses honorifics with Goku like it is fully reasonable to assume#that the joke of Goku's naivetè centers around the fact that his wife is too embarrassed to talk about Certain Matters in a normal way#While Bulma and Vegeta are slutty hedonistic cityfolk who need jesus (according to chichi probably...and me but I support them)#anyway. point is. Toriyama was funny as hell and Nekomajin is absolutely ridiculous and goofy and has a fully amoral main character#which just reminded me that toei is allergic to letting goku be a gremlin and so vegeta's not allowed to be a gremlin wrangler#even though that's been his job since the day he met raditz alksdjaskljd
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i think the moment i fundamentally lost all respect for s2 was when they treated that pathetic "sorry about your leg" as though it was a good enough apology for everything
#been thinking a lot about my position with the show recently#and how. everything they had going on should have let ed apologise properly#for their relationship to move on from this. in some capacity#and the narrative didnt let them#and i suppose. i refuse to believe thats a reasonable choice for the story#it should have been better. it deserved to be better. ed and izzy deserved to have more#nyxtalks#ofmd critical#< for blacklists#idk its a hard place to stand. because thats what the story Did. but it shouldnt have. i believe in my whole heart there was a better story#somewhere in there. no matter what you think about where their story should have gone. they deserved better#and ive been thinking about it. it ripples back#i found e5 pretty ok at the time. but for me. all of this ruins it#what was the point of eds story if he is just forgiven without effort?#he deserves the chance to earn true forgiveness. not just 'yeah this shit happens and we have to move on'#or whatever it was the crew said#the point of that is they deserve more#and ed should have been allowed to give them more
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thinking about how akio sees his younger self in utena and wondering if there's any fondness there. doesn't change the horror of what he does to her obviously but i do wonder
#akio and utena#m#long ramble in the tags sorry:#the thing about akio is that he's so evil bit he's also so human#he has feelings. i just don't know what they are (if anything) toward his victims#he loves anthy at the very least i'm sure of that. even if he hates her too. just like she loves and hates him. the lines are blurry.#and i just. i have to wonder whether any of that extends to utena at all. we know anthy at times feels similarly about utena and dios#(and akio by extension.) the simultanious love and resentment. so it's not too unlikely i think.#like. even though he never had anything but bad intentions in getting close to her#i'm not sure it's possible to do everything he did and feel nothing#not that he has any meaningful amount of guilt or remorse for it. i don't think that.#and i obviously don't think he “loved” her in any of the ways she might have thought he did#but did he not care at all? did he not feel any kind of fondness or sympathy or just. idk. pity? for her?#whatever the case it wasn't enough to reconsider having her killed so you know. how much does that actually matter anyway#idk. i think about it a lot. how abusers are rarely entirely indifferent toward their victims#the role he's playing in her life is so fucked up but it IS a role he's playing and i wonder how much he you know... internalizes it?#how much does he believe the illusion of family that he invites her into? because akio DOES often buy into his own illusions.#(similarly i think it's possible that akio is fond of touga too. their mentor-protégé relationship is horrible and abusive#but that doesn't make it less real. you know? maybe real is the wrong word.)#when he talks in episode 25 about wanting utena and anthy closer that's obviously so he can continue to groom her#but is there something genuine there too? i don't know.#again. it obviously does not make anything he does better or even different. but it is interesting to think about to me.#on the other side of that coin does seeing his own past youth and naivete and desire to do good that he (maybe) once had#reflected back at him through her mean anything?#is there resentment there? that she is what he couldn't be? or more likely he just thinks that idealism is stupid.#either way it's something he wants to take from her. anyway ramble over.#i talk a lot about utena's feelings toward akio (familial vs romantic love and the way the two are intertwined in fucked up ways)#but not much the other way around. probably because utena is actually a sympathetic character whose feelings the show very clearly#wants you to analyze and think about.#which is... less true for akio i think. though he's still a complex character with complex motives. he's just harder to get a grasp on.
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Maybe a Christian fiction writer just needs to tell the truth. Then tell a better truth.
#Yes it is a broken world! That is true! But a) brokenness doesn’t come in only one flavor (and for that matter neither does escapism#There are things I rather like to get away from in my preferred fiction#Like I’ll tolerate some of the things I like to get away from as long as the author doesn’t wallow in it before getting to the better truth#b) In this world you will have trouble#Doesn’t help me without#But take heart! I have overcome the world#And c) That the breaking will be mended in the end we Christians know and it’s at the heart of every really good story I believe*#but what of this often wildly beautiful in-between time called life that we currently experience? It’s still true too.#Taste and see that the Lord is good!#“Pine trees are just as real as pigsties and a darn sight prettier too”#*some may say that tragedies are the category that negate this idea and it’s true I haven't made a study of tragedies and what their#appeal is because they don’t often appeal to me but I’m sure there’s a reason#If only because light shines brighter in the darkness#So to circle back to my first point yes some stories need to not shy away from darkness but if it ends there you have to consider what#The point of it all is and whether it glorifies God. so it’s not as simple as no tragedies but I think you have to at least imply the#Better Truths#Anyway now I’m just rambling and people who like tragedies should come educate me on why#But the idea of telling the truth and then telling a better truth has been percolating for at least a month now and so I must now test#the brew so to speak
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if life is categorized by Before Loss and After Loss then I exist in the before but with a countdown to the after. and the countdown is always always present and debilitating. the loss will be debilitating too but i cant help myself. i will always suffer twice.
#i cant let go of it. i cant even enjoy good moments without thinking about how they'll just be memories one day#how they're already memories since moments pass so fast#everything is I'll Miss This and i already miss it and i cant believe once you're gone you're gone forever#and ill never ever see you again. and your shell is in the ground but where did the rest of you go?#should i look at your body one last time? on one hand itll be the last time i see you.#on the other hand it will be the last time i see you.#and the memory of you will die with me too. as if neither ever existed#it impacts me so much too bc i dont feel close to anybody really...and i dont make friends easily#so whats going to happen when the people who have always been there arent there anymore?#im going to be alone for so much of my life.#i will record your voice so im ready for when i cant hear it from the source while also knowing it wont be enough and one day#ill be wishing it lasted longer. it could be 12 hours long and ill want more.#how do you surpass this? it hasn't even happened. when it happens i don't know what ill do. considering my whole life has been#the timer. the countdown. hours and hours of anticipatory grief#and then ill be next. me. some of all thats left of you. it cant be true.#sorry. this gets worse every single year and its been going insane lately#id surprisingly been managing it well for months somehow ! it wouldnt cross my mind...and now its there again#like it accumulated and its all coming out right now. ive been crying for hrs tonight and last night#one day his things will just be things. things ive made and given him will be in my hands again.#talkys#i want to go hug my dad but then ill just cry over how one day i wont be able to....! how do i store it? how do i save it?#how do i preserve it forever....even as i take my own last breath....#i cant believe im the only one of me. and my dad is the only one of him.#i wouldnt want to be reborn as anyone else. i cant believe one day i wont get to draw or eat or be comfy in bed anymore.#i cant take it !! im so scared. ill be scared until the end. and you wont be there to hold my hand. im going to be alone.#and none of those years of grief and joy and memories will matter.#i wonder if it would help to tell him about this. i need something to hold onto for when it happens. anything. but i also know it'll make i#hurt more; obviously. just another piece of him that'll be gone one day
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What do you think as Hermione's career would be post battle of Hogwarts? To me her being minister for magic really doesn't make sense. She does not have patience or tact to wade through murky waters of politics 😭😭
So hard to say! The Trio are so, so young when we leave them, I find it almost impossible to project their futures farther than a few years out. The job that suited me at 17 would be radically unsuited to me now. That's why of all the Trio, Ron's ending strikes me as the most realistic — he jumps straight into the save-the-world business again, burns out, realizes he's actually Done The Fuck Enough, Thanks, and pivots into a low-stress career where he gets to see his family a lot. Feels accurate! The others are weirder to me because they do seem to just... pick a lane and stay there.
With Hermione, you could spin her a couple ways. You could say that she leans into her bookish side and does research or teaching, which is not my preference for a couple reasons (namely, I don't think Hermione would like academia as a profession; she finds her classwork interesting and enjoys intellectual validation, but she'd be stifled and wasted in a DPhil program, and she'd be infuriated by the administrative politicking of your average higher-ed faculty). You could say that she gets disaffected with politics and ends up as a barrister or a lobbyist of some kind, but if anything that requires more political finesse, because you don't actually have institutional power, you're just handling the people who make decisions and trying to persuade them of your goals. This is not Hermione's preferred method of influence. She's not even particularly good at persuasion, she just happens to be smart enough (and right often enough) that people take her ideas seriously.
Or you could say her brashness fades with the years into a softened flavor of tell-you-like-it-is honesty, which some politicians actually do successfully trade on; as we see in British politics today, you don't have to be all that charming or clever to get ahead, you just need to be really driven and well-connected (which Hermione completely is; she fought shoulder-to-shoulder with the first postwar Minister and her bestie, the Literal Messiah, runs the Auror Office.) But I don't know if Hermione especially wants to be Minister, after the war. She's just watched years of horrendous bureaucratic incompetence plunge the country into a violent civil conflict. She's had not one, but two Ministers of Magic try to bully or shame her friends into complicity with fascism. Her view of government is... likely extremely dark.
But Hermione also isn't the kind of person who sees her life as a quest for happiness. Babygirl has a savior complex that makes Harry look selfish. (She basically kills her parents — yeah, obliviating is a form of murder, #changemymind — "for their own good," and justifies every batshit, vindictive, mean-spirited move she ever pulls on the grounds that it "helps" one of her friends.) She is a mean, lean, dragon-slaying machine, and she needs a dragon. After Voldemort, the Ministry is the no. 1 threat to muggle-borns and non-wizarding Beings. As a war heroine with basically infinite political capital, I'd be surprised if she didn't try to do something there. That said, Hermione is so vivacious and dynamic that she could potentially grow in a hundred different directions; it's possible that all of this, while true of her at 18, becomes completely inaccurate by 22. That's why I'm not too fussed about any particular fanon interpretation.
#greenteacup asks#sidebar: I know Minister “of” Magic is an Americanism but mea culpa#Someday I might actually bite it and pay someone to britpick Lionheart but I can't do it now#because I have a ban on editing published fic unless it's finished. Otherwise I'll never get around to writing the actual ending#I have a Process#is it the best process? likely not! but it makes the words go. so here we are.#I also think the fact that JKR is Gen X makes a difference here. careers worked differently in the 80s and 90s than they do now#i.e. we have the gig economy and a lot more mobility and EXPECTATION of mobility in your early life#that means career changes & professional pivots through your 20s and 30s are increasingly normal#and in fact have always been normal — but the image of the 'true' or 'ideal' career has changed#so we look at those careers and go hm. really? none of them changed?#none of them even went to uni? do wizards... just not?#but again. I believe the epilogue was written almost completely without consideration as to what happened between the BOH and then#I really believe that JKR did not know what happened to Harry except a wedding and 3 kids. because that was the whole point#I don't think she even knew what his career was when she wrote that scene#It existed to marry everyone off and do a quick munchkin headcount#because of the understandable temptation as an author to keep your hand on the wheel. but it didn't even matter!#the epilogue changed NOTHING! it was the most useless chapter in the series! I just — GOD#you can absolutely accuse me of being sour grapes about my ships getting nixed. I AM sour grapes. I AM a hater.#AND I have plot/theme/craft reasons for disliking it.#I'm not objective. I just want credit for being a sophisticated hater. my grapes may be sour but they're still artisinal.
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heart-pounding immersive bocchi cinema solo trip experience 1-page report
#art jumpscare#bocchi#bocchi the rock!#ぼっち・ざ・ろっく#true story#my art#this is probably a little too illuminating about me LOL#the only reason the backpack didn’t match is because its an insanely powerful one#that can carry infinite amounts of stuff comfortably#i remembered thinking ‘woah…i don’t believe that 20 year guarantee but it’s kinda funny’#its been 18 so far#so often i sacrifice a totally matching bag for this rugged heavy duty bad boy#especially if I’m carrying around clothes or big containers of food#which I totally was#i actually googled it beforehand to check the length#but the results only showed ONE movie…#it took me googling for a second movie WHILE IT WAS PLAYING to notice#I saw the long runtime but it seemed short for two movies#and longer stated run times are often put down to make sure stuff runs smoothly#so I checked but didn’t think I was incorrect or anything mdknfdfkdf#they usually tell you VERY CLEARLY if it’s a double feature#usually double features actually cost waaaay more#and they have 15 minute breaks#so who knows what happened here#what matters is the pizza was delicious and it was a fun experience!#i may be as anxious as bocchi but i like doing things solo although id prefer it with friends most days#I haven’t seen my friends in a long time and some of them never#hopefully one day I can change that
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tumblr no nuance site as always is finding itself with a fascinating new position here. “no opinion you hold or thought you have tells us anything about your morality” im not so sure thats true “many thoughts are unwanted or are uncomfortable but realistically harmless so stop equating complete mental purity with being Good” this we cannot possible refute but its not the one thats being said lately
#the whole like Thought Crimes Arent Real defense is true but i also think that the things you think and choose to believe and like. how can#i even word this. yes your discourse opinions DO tell us about your morality?#no we dont need to judge every inteusive thought and neither should you but yes the things you think#with caveats. do tell you something about yourself.#how are people serioud about it swinging all the way around to actually None of it tells us about Anything and None of it matters!#do you get what i mean.#kora.txt
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hands down the worst thing about being an artist is other people constantly going 'I'm not gonna bother doing this fun rewarding thing-- least of all with you-- because you are so much better at it that it ruins it for me'
#I get feeling this way and it's hard not to feel this way#but it's also hard feeling like doing the thing you love makes everyone else feel really bad about themselves#in a perfect world me doing art would encourage everyone to do more art because it's fun and feels good#but no one wants to hear 'everyone can do it! it doesn't matter what your skill level is it's still good for you and fun and rewarding!'#from someone who's like... already (relatively) good at the thing#EVEN THOUGH IT'S TRUE. EVEN THOUGH I REALLY BELIEVE THAT!!#anyway this isn't even ABOUT 'making good art' it's a cute couple's activity that sounds fun#but if one person IS a professional painter then of course it can't help but also be about Making Good Art when one person can#and it sucks. cause like. man. that does sound cute. that does sound fun! but john won't get to do it#and I also wouldn't get to do something like this because I'm Too Good which ruins things for everyone else#just bums me out. people just can't help looking at creative hobbies and going 'oh I could never do that [clearly feels bad about it]'#.... oh. well... that's not really true and I hate that you feel that way. I'm sorry for putting a little damper on your day. I guess#posts from facebook#irl frens#(and family)#about me
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It’s hard to put on a bright face, in spite of everything (Patreon)
#Doodles#Flowey#UT#Underfell#Just regular Underfell this time! His interactions with Fellplates!Gaster are fun but it was also a great springboard of thinking of Just He#I've never really considered Underfell!Flowey - I love that he's duplicitous and tragic and terrible <3 So a happy Flowey was just kinda#Fine I guess? Kinda missing his depth tho isn't he?#That's what I thought initially anyway hehe ♪ I think he could definitely hold some lies in his belly still ♫#I think no matter what version you end up with - no matter what stimuli you introduce to him - you're going to end up with Flowey™#He's still just a lost little soul with too much Determination and the ability to use it to his own ends - and he's bored. And he's Tired#Especially of getting killed all the time - that whole Kill or Be Killed thing got old Fast - faster than it did in Undertale anyhow#He's still just a fearful little dust-coward in there <3 And when he loses his ability to come back? Oh I think that'd scare him silly#I don't believe for a second that he'd be any more merciful to the player if he didn't think he'd get something from it#Protection - new things to see or feel - maybe he'd even have something of a capacity to be appreciative that'd be nice#And I do think he'd be genuinely helpful! But I think it'd have a Lot of the same undercurrents as what happens to him in the Genocide run#Depends a lot on the player as well - maybe the kinder you are to other monsters the better he'd behave#But would it be out of fear or cockiness of still surviving haha ♪ I just love when he's the worst! He's my favourite when he's the worst!#I think the big question would be Omega Flowey - I mean. Even someone kind-hearted like Asriel became what he did#And Asgore was willing to give himself up to become a True Monster as well - I just :| I don't think he'd fare well lol#Maybe the rules are different in Underfell I dunno but if the rules are the same-#But then again ♪ I also like it when he has the opportunity to be terrible and then doesn't. For whatever reason - selfish - selfless#He's just my favourite :) And it's fun to imagine him acting differently from the same source/different reasons hehe
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"I feel like the abuse I went through wasn't bad enough :( I don't even remember it"
Yeah so... are you prepared to hear information that could potentially hurt you
#i feel bad like skgkfjfg thats the point#you dont remember it because your brain is protecting you#sometimes its because the true nature of the situation was so harmful to you that your brain feels threatened by admitting it happened#other times (its still technically the same but in a different font) you subconsciously know you dont have anyone#who will believe you or will invalidate you or otherwise jeopardize your mental or physical wellbeing if you tried to tell them#like if you try to tell someone abuse and youre scared they will tell you it wasnt that bad sometimes YOU say it wasnt bad first#to protect yourself#i guarantee it was bad enough though. it doesnt even matter if the situation involved brutal abuse or was just an awful circumstance#if you dont remember it... that was trauma#thats what trauma is. it doesn't feel traumatic when it happens because your brain just cant comprehend it#it feels traumatic LATER when (if) you eventually realize you really thought you were going to die and it was that bad#your brain hasnt processed traumatic events as memories yet. because it was traumatic
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