#no actually I am capable of genuinely being good at hard things

[sodacowboy]

everytime I’m genuinely good at something without trying I get so confused because I’m so used to struggling to achieve my goals lol

[fragglerockopinions]

The worst thing about suffering is that it still hurts when the danger is over but no one cares about it anymore because it shouldn't hurt. No one will ever say "I'm sorry that happened to you" especially when they barely say "I'm sorry that's happening."

[amor-ad-nauseam]

Somethin’ Stupid (pt. 2)

Pairing(s): Sam Winchester x reader

Summary :You two are pathetic for each other, so much so that Dean can’t help but take notice. Maybe, just maybe his “playing wingman” will work out alright…

Word count : 3.5k

Tags: Reader and Sam have a crush on each other, fluff, no use of y/n, reader uses she/her pronouns, carheartt!sam, heavy make out, kissing, fade to black, almost smut.

Notes; While this does read as a fade to black i may or may not have gotten a little carried away with myself and wrote part of the smut scene… it’s not included here but if y’all want that lmk!! I am so sorry about how late this is coming out! i’ve been very busy with back to school preparations. Notes and reposts are greatly appreciated

part 1 part 3

“Rise n’ shine, Sammy!” Dean announced, clapping Sam on the shoulder.

Sam flinches awake and like a row of dominos, the guitar that was in his lap is sent tumbling to the floor - creating a harsh cacophony of strings and wood.

The sound causes you to jolt from your slumber. You shoot up in bed in a flurry of confusion. “I’m up! I’m up! Where’s the Rugaru!?” You shout, whipping your head around the room.

“Woah, Good Morning to you too,” Dean chuckles, punctuating the sentence with an obnoxious bite of beef jerky. Sam makes a face. “Want some?” He points the jerky at Sam.

“Hey, Dean.” Sam sighed, leaning forward to rest his elbows on his knees. He runs his hands down his face. "I’m good, thanks.”

You visibly relax as the real world comes into focus. “Morning, Boys.” You say as the adrenaline wears off. Sam was still across from you, now flashing an apologetic smile and Dean was well- Dean, but in a cowboy hat. That wasn’t too unusual for him. Dean nodded a hello.

“Eh, more for me,” Dean shrugs with another bite. “Anywho,” He bends down and retrieves the guitar from the floor, now with a newly popped high E string. He hoped the motel wouldn’t charge him extra for that. “When’d you become Springsteen?” He smirks.

Sam was in no mood.

Then, his eyes lit up.

“Hey, Dean, what’s that, uh, mark on your neck?” Sam said, a grin only capable of being mustered by the most annoying of little brothers appearing on his lips.

“What mar- “Dean slid his hand down the length of his neck, stopping about halfway in sudden realization. “Oh- “He clears his throat. Mumbling something about getting banged up pretty badly, he dismisses himself to the med kit in Sam’s bag.

“Oh, and that explains why you’re just now getting back at, uh,” Sam glances to the alarm clock. “7am? from a simple salt-n-burn?”

“Uh, yeah.” Dean scoffs defensively. “Cause you see, Sammy, I was actually doing my job.”

The early morning sun filtered in through the blinds and for the first time you realized that the wood paneling on the divider and both doors were made to look like a saloon door. Damn. They went all out with this whole cowboy theme. On the bright side, the sun gave everything a warm almost fiery glow. Despite the rather cozy atmosphere of the room, Sam and Dean were still going.

Only two things in life are certain: taxes and the Winchester’s arguments.

“The job that requires you to receive hickeys from girls in bars?” Sam laughed. He was now stood by the foot of your bed, stretching the tension from his shoulders. Man, even through a t-shirt his back muscles were attractive- carved like a Greek statue.

“Okay, when you say it like that it makes me sound like a hooker.”

“Maybe you are, Mr. hard worker.”

“Don’t objectify me.” Dean rolls his eyes, feigning offense . Dean was leaned over the dresser, looking in the mirror as he tried to cover a small purple mark on his neck with a square gauze patch.

He definitely wasn’t winning this one.

As if suddenly remembering something, his head perked up and he set his sights on you.

“How’s the leg?” He asked, looking at you in the mirror. He did genuinely care about your wellbeing, but it didn’t hurt that you were also a good out.

“Hm?” You were a little distracted; you’d almost forgotten about your leg entirely.

“Oh right. It’s fine really,” you swing your legs over the edge of the bed.

When you look down you find the bandage that was once around your thigh, half undone, twisted about and just an overall mess.

“Right, fine.” Dean chuckles.

“Woah, you okay?” Sam questions.

Before you know it, Sam’s closing the distance between the two of you and the roll of gauze is sailing through the air from Dean’s palm to Sam’s.

“Damn, I thought you were better at the whole first-aid thing, Sammy.” Dean remarks, happy to flip the situation back on his brother.

“I am,” Sam takes a seat next to you. He’s warm. And close. Too close. “But someone.” Damn he smells good too. Like a brand-new book. “Wouldn’t let me.” He said with a teasing expression.

“Hey, I didn’t do too bad.” Your cheeks flush.

“Riiight.” He gently tugs at an end of the bandage, and it unravels like a loose thread in a pair of jeans. “Not too bad at all.”

“Yeah yeah, whatever.” You reply, your face contorting to an attempt at annoyance.

“Hey, cheer up.” Sam smiled.

You couldn’t help but smile in return.

He gently slid his hand to the underside of your knee and placed your leg over his lap just as he did the night prior.

While you were busy tossing the wrinkled bandage into a small barrel-shaped trashcan near the sofa-chair, Sam took the opportunity to let his gaze linger. He drank in every detail of your appearance, hoping to seer it to memory.

For some reason, 3 things in particular stuck out to him: You never bothered to put your hair up last night, the way squinted as the sun reflected directly into your eyes, and the fact that you were still in his Carhartt. That last one especially made his heart beat a little harder.

Your lovely chaotic hair and the sun shining on your face inspired countless fantasies. Some as simple as kissing the tiredness from your expression, others, he felt bad for even thinking.

The minute you turn around his eyes are once again glued to your leg and you’re none the wiser.

“How’m I lookin, doc?”

Dean with his shirt tucked beneath his chin was rubbing ointment on what he wasn’t quite sure if it was another hickey on his abdomen or an actual bruise. Upon hearing your question he perks up, ready to make a dumb Looney Toons reference when Sam of all people beats him to the punch.

“Ah, just peachy, Bugs.” He replied in a nasally imitation of Daffy Duck.

“Huh.” Dean mumbles with some small shock. He watches the two of you from the mirror's reflection. He knew Sam had a thing for you, but this, this was something else.

The way the two of you giggled and just almost leaned into each other with every joke- pulling away in shy stupidity each time you got too close. The lingering eye contact, how Sam’s hand looked almost reluctant to leave you, the way one of you would stare when the other wasn’t looking. The whole thing left his stomach feeling like a pot of warm honey.

Damn. You’ve both got it bad.

An idea.

“Hey guys,” He chimed in.

“Hm?” You and Sam said in unison.

“Oh, sorry no you go- “you said.

“No, it’s okay you- “

“Well, you did fix me up it’s only fair- “just then you realized that your leg was still in his lap. You quickly pull away and smile apologetically. Sam does the same.

Dean just about face palms. You two are hopeless.

“Guys.” Dean clears his throat, capturing both of your attentions once more.

“I'm gonna go out and uh, do something.” Dean said with heavy emphasis on “do something.”

“Oh, okay..?” you said with confusion

“Oh, uh, need help with that?” Sam added, eaqually as confused.

“No! no, sorry…heh… I just mean that you both should stay here while I go make a move.”

“You… feelin’ alright, Dean?” You question.

“He’s still hungover I think.” Sam leans in and mutters.

“Y’know,” Dean turns his attention straight to Sam. “Making a move is always the right thing.”

“…So, you do want my help?”

“No, damnit,” Dean sighs in defeat. “M’goin’ on a coffee run.”

“Oh… okay…” Sam replied. “In that case, make two of ‘em decaf.”

“Aw you remembered?” You say with an expression reminiscent of a teen girl with a crush.

“Yeah, I know how it makes you jittery.” Sam replied, sounding embarrassed.

Dean watches as the two of you sit there smiling like idiots.

Yeah.

Extra hopeless.

- -

The latter half of the day is spent with Dean acting strangely and you and Sam struggling to figure out why.

A couple of theories arose.

“Maybe he is hungover.” You quietly conceded after Dean stretched his legs across the diner’s booth seat when Sam tried to sit down- forcing him next to you.

“Nah, he’s mean when hungover.” Sam replied.

- -

“Maybe we did something?” You suggested when Dean pulled the same diner stunt later at the library.

“Like what?” Sam replied as he studied Deans relaxed demeanor.

“Dunno. Maybe it’s 'cause we bailed last night?”

“C’mon we didn’t “bail”, you got stabbed and we all know if one of us didn’t stay with you, you’d come crawling back to finish the fight.”

“Fair enough.” You shrugged. “Well, I’m fresh out of ideas.”

“Me too. Just can’t figure out what would make him not tell us details on a case, it’s not like him.”

- -

You also happened to notice that Sam grew increasingly grumpy as the day dragged on.

Whether that was due to Dean, or his uncomfortable sleeping situation last night was lost on you.

- -

“Maybe he got roofied?” Sam mumbled when it seemed as though Dean couldn’t walk in a straight line- continually bumping into you - shoving you straight into Sam.

“Can’t be, after that whole witch thing he’s really careful with his drinks.”

“Hm…”

- -

“Mid life crisis?” Sam proposes in a hushed voice from the huddled corner of a motel lobby.

Dean had bought two rooms instead of the usual one accompanied by “we’re livin’ offa credit card scams and prayers. Besides, we’ve all pretty much seen eachother’s junk anyway.”

“He’s 30” you replied while watching Dean flirt with the woman behind the counter.

“With this job and his liver, it’s midlife.”

- -

Finally, the night had rolled around.

“Been dazed and confused for so long it can’t be true~”

The radio humming as the Impala raced down the road.

Normally, nights like this would be relaxing. Windows rolled down, the sounds of the cold and buzzing night mixed with the same five albums Dean rotated. Empty back roads and the three of you endearingly out of tune as you sang along.

But this night was simply and plainly, dead.

The air in the car had a tension not even Page and Plant could cut through. You all silently sat in your unassigned-assigned seats: Dean driving, Sam shot gun and you in the back watching the night woosh by.

It all came to a head earlier when Dean notified you and Sam that you two were on stake-out duty. You watched as Sam’s expression visibly changed into one of suppressed nausea. Sure, stakeouts usually sucked ass but did the thought of being alone with you really drive him to the point of sickness?

You breathed a sigh, sinking further into your seat at the memory.

Sam steals a glance at you in the rear view- you looked sad. Guess you weren’t too excited at the thought of a stakeout either.

The car stops about 50 yards in the underbrush in front of a dilapidated old building in the middle of butt-fuck nowhere.

The light previously provided to you by the stars was dimmer now due to the thick miles of pine trees stretching high above- looking as though they could touch the sky themselves.

“Aaand we’re here,” Dean said, switching off the ignition

“Mind telling us where “here” is exactly?” Sam quipped.

“Like I said, it’s a nest.”

“Yeah. That’s the problem. That’s about the only thing you’ve said.”

“Okay, fine- look, We’ve had a lot of duds lately and I didn’t wanna get anyone’s hopes up if it wasn’t the real deal.” Dean shrugs.

Dean was an incredibly good liar. Or as he liked to call it, thinking on his feet.

“Wow you are s- “

“Such a great older brother, I know. I’m gonna go walk the perimeter, shouldn’t take too lo-“

“Great I’ll come with!”

You watch as Sam quickly follows after Dean- not even letting his brother get the words out before he’s on his feet and out of the car like he’ll catch the plague if he’s alone with you.

Yeah. Stakeouts really sucked.

From inside the car all you could hear were Sam and Deans muffled voices, but even still, you could tell they were arguing…

“I’m not an idiot, Dean. I know what you’re doing.”

“Well I’d hope so,” Dean chuckled, holding his newly sharpened machete upward to inspect it. “Dad’d kill us if we ever even thought about going in dull and halfcocked.”

“Y’know you’re not the most subtle guy in the world.”

Sufficiently satisfied, Dean re-sheathes the blade and hooks it onto his waistband. “Dunno wacha talkin’ ‘bout, Sammy.”

“You forced me to sit next to her.”

“Leg got bruised las night, had to keep ‘er elevated.”

“Got two rooms?” Sam quirked a brow.

“So? What if i wanted to bring someone back?”

“Dude, you practically threw her into me.”

“Again, the leg. Can’t walk straight.” He shrugs, grabbing a vial of dead-man’s blood and putting it into his pocket.

“Alright, cut the bullshit. I know what you’re trying to do and it won’t work. She’s not into me and i’m-“

“A dumbass.” Dean says sharply.

“E-excuse me?” Sam says, caught off guard.

“The girl is head-over-fuckin-heels for you. you must be a dumbass not to see it.” Dean points an accusing finger at him.

“I-“

“I see the way you look at her, hell, you busted out the guitar for her! ah- don’t give me that look, it was obvious. “

“Okay, fine, you got me Dean.” Sam throws his arms up in an exasperated manner. “I have feelings for her.” He pauses. This is the first time he’s said it aloud. His eyes go to his shoes. “Doesn’t mean she feels the same way.”

“Christ.” Dean slams the trunk, shoves his hands in his pockets and walks around the side of the car. Sam gives a puzzled expression. Dean jerks his head. “Watch this,” Dean says.

With the back of his hooked middle and index finger, Dean knocks on the back window of the Impala.

“Hm?” You lift your head from the book in your lap.

It’s a quick set of movements, but obvious, unthought action: your eyes first land on the source of the sound, Dean. He waves. You smile.

Then, all in the fraction of a second you look at Sam. Your smile falters. A short, flustered breath escapes your nose.

Your eyes go back to Dean, your lips curving into a poor attempt at a casual smile.

“See?” Dean says once you turn your attention back to your book.

“See what?” Sam replies, his voice growing annoyed and incredulous- having not picked up on anything out of the ordinary.

“You really make me wanna punch you sometimes.”

“Wha-, you know what, Dean, is this case even real? Cause if it’s not let’s just go back to the motel and-“

“Okay, Okay.” Dean pushes his arms in a ‘calm down’ motion. “It’s real, Columbo. Here,” He reaches behind his back, past the sides of his coat and pulls the local newspaper from the waistband of his jeans. “Happy now?”

Sam’s eyes skim the headline: Reports of “Cult like behavior” spotted near the old McCrowe house.

Below is a photograph of the dilapidated home they were parked in front of.

“Yes, but, h-“

“How do you know it’s real? Ya don’t. But i know you couldn’t take the risk; Even if you tried.”

Sam frowns, combing a hand through his hair. Dean smiles. “Go get ‘em, tiger” Dean says, patting his brother on the shoulder.

"You're an asshole."

Dean walks away with an extra bounce in his step. Sam frowns, again.

After taking a long moment, partially to regain his bearings, partially waiting till his brother disappeared around the bend, Sam pulls open the door.

“…Hey.”

“Hey yourself.”

That wasn’t awkward at all.

Leaves crunch beneath your feet, and the book carried at your side rhythmically beats against your hip as you walk.

“So… figure out what’s up with Dean?”

“Oh, uhm,” He tosses the newspaper onto the dash as he slides into the front seat to cover his hesitation. “Nope. Not a clue.”

“Eh, I just hope he sorts himself out. If he keeps walking like that i think i’ll be bruised soon.” You chuckle at your own joke. “Guy’s got hips like Shakira, they do not lie.”

Crickets. Literal crickets fill the beat of silence after that joke.

You knew it was bad but damn.

“Ookay… tough crowd,” You mumble.

“Oh, uh, sorry,” Sam said as if he were snapping out of a trance. “yeah heh, Shakira.”

You simply resign yourself to the book in your lap, every once in a while, taking a glance at the house ahead.

Meanwhile, Sam’s gaze never leaves the house for a moment. He had an expression you couldn’t quite place and an almost glazed over look in his eyes.

“Hey, i’m gonna go catch up with Dean, you’ll be fine right?” He says suddenly.

“No,” You slam your book shut and turn straight to Sam. “Sit your ass back down. we need to talk.”

“I’m sorry?”

The words come barreling from your mouth like a falling knife, sharp and unpredictable. “You have been super weird all day- I swear it’s hereditary- Dean acting strange, that i can deal with, but you? i-i don’t know what to do with that.”

A sinking sort of realization sets in. “I- god i’m so sorry.”

“I mean, did i do something? ‘Cause if i did i’m terribly sorry-“

“No, no, you didn’t do anything i swear.”

“Then what is it? i thought things were good and then- Look, if there’s something wrong just say the word and i’m there.”

“i know that but-“

“I’ll listen if you need it, i’m your friend and i wanna help.”

“That’s the problem.”

A beat of silence.

“That you’re my friend, just, my friend. That’s what’s wrong."

You feel your mouth going dry.

The words come tumbling out of Sam’s mouth much faster than he can think. “I-I knew from the moment i met you that you were this super cool and sweet and pretty but also badass at the same time kinda person and then it sorta spiraled into a crush, -which was innocent enough- so i thought it’d go away but then it didn’t and then-“

Every word, every thought, every action, everything within Sam is cut short and fades off when your lips collide with his. Your hands cup the sides of his face. His eyes widen before slowly dropping shut.

A moment later the kiss breaks and you’re sat there, staring dumbly into those gorgeous hazel eyes. From this new vantage point (the middle of the front seat) the gaps between the pines overhead is greater, allowing for starlight to filter in. The parts of his face not obscured by the shadows of his hair were illuminated in perfect detail. The soft edges of his face look almost sharp given the looming shadows, that detail though, is contrasted by the rosy blush spreading on his cheeks.

“…I wanted to shut you up,” You blink. “But I should’ve asked, i’m sor-“

The last of your attempt to apologize is muffled as Sam’s lips crash into yours.

His hand rests on the far side of your neck, his thumb moving across your cheek. The kiss grows in intensity, his tongue licking at the seam of your lips, your breath short and hot on his face. You drop your hands from his jaw and begin to slide them down his torso, eliciting a low growl-like sound from him. You both grow in fervor, the kiss bordering the fine line between sweet and desperate.

His tongue pushes past your lips and begins exploring you with warm desire. A soft sound escapes your throat at the feeling, his body growing warm, breaths shaky, and his tongue needly licking at the inside of your mouth.

Sam pulls away but only for a moment. He takes a quick survey of your face: lips red, breathing coming out in short pants, hair messy and all of you elucidated by the stars outside. You were no longer a reverie- some fantasy far out of reach. You were right there, lovely and more attention capturing than any star. So he says the thought that’s been on repeat in his mind since the moment he met you. What he’s thought on a thousand breathless afternoons when the sun shines just right on your face: “I love you”

“I love you too.” You reply without missing a single beat. you don’t have to think about it, not even for a second. You love him.

Taglist: @xx-spooky-little-vampire-xx @lillies444lola @wowzabowza69 comment to be added/ removed

[mer-acle]

The Greek Gods, described by me:

(pls take this as hc I just have vibes)

Zeus:

That uncle that thinks they're fun at parties, but actually everybody just wants them to shut up and stop talking about the shape of the earth. Knows the truth and what's best for you (hmmm)

Poseidon:

That uncle that is perpetually absent, but very loud when he does show. Teases everyone and never notices that some of it hurts. Has slightly less unhinged ideas about the world than Zeus but is just as annoying about them.

Hades:

The uncle that at least gets how unhinged everything is. Usually has the reasonable arguments but nobody listens. Has no idea what you are up to, but at least he feels bad that he's distant. Hates family gatherings even more than the second generation.

Hera:

True professional. Made bad choices (marrying Zeus) but now guess we'll deal with it. Olympus runs because of her. Being a bastard child does not serve you well, unless what you want actively annoys Zeus, or if you know not to expect a mother figure but approach her as queen.

Demeter:

Tries to fix Olympus sometimes, but it never goes well. Perfectly agreeable until you go after the environment (honestly you go girl). Is a genuinely sweet Mom who probably cries if you get her a gift because she loves you so much. Probably will get a dog to compensate for you growing up and moving out (even if you didn't get kidnapped first)

Hestia:

The best. Always has hot chocolate and a place to unwind. Honestly everyone would be happier if they spent more time with her. Possibly the only God who genuinely knows peace.

Athena:

Oh look, the oldest and gifted too. No coincidence that there was nothing about being happy in that prophecy about her. Is naturally good at pretty much anything she tries, except feelings. Will join in with the first gen's arguments even though there's nothing to be gained, it's just hard to sit by all the bullshit when you know better.

Hephaestus:

Honestly a pretty chill dude. Just wants to make things. Every few hundred years he'll make something evil-scientist-y so Olympus remembers he's not a doormat. Would have coined the word introvert if Hades hadn't beaten him to it.

Aphrodite:

Smarter than you think. Torn between being exactly what everyone sees her as and being anything but. Don't mistake love for harmony, this girl holds her ground and just bc she has emotional intelligence does not mean she won't punch where it really stings.

Ares:

They really screwed this guy over, he's just doing his job. Yes, he will kill you, but not if you're unarmed. Honest, strong, straightforward, and can be gentle as long as not on the battlefield. Give this big man some appreciation and self-esteem, by Styx!

Artemis:

A mythic bitch. Possibly the first ever activist, making a point of breaking gender norms. Smart, capable, and independent. Her views can be a little extreme at times, but you can't deny that running around the woods with a bunch of wild nymphs lesbians imo is massive lifegoals

Apollo:

Fabulous. Cannot pick a hobby to save his life. Is the most competent and put-together medic ever but outside of the tent, he cries about puppy videos. Always torn between "I am the best there ever was" and "I am a failure of a man, a god, a being!"

Hermes:

God of ADHD and we love him for it. Also a little menace who is simultaneously an amazing liar and can't keep his mouth shut when he really should (thankfully he's quick on his feet). Physically unable to take anything seriously.

Dionysus:

Does all the drugs (which is especially crazy given he can actually die) Being the youngest does actually do nothing for him. God of side quests and mayhem. Seriously mess with him and your mental health is gone forever (that explains a lot about me actually)

[sanjisboyfie]

playlist : tender by blur

(pre-timeskip) monkey d. luffy x male reader

this was a special i wrote for my fanfic (thats not published here on tumblr) but i realized it could be a good standalone one shot so i wanted to post it hereeeee :) the relationship status is ambiguous, but its obvious luffy and reader have known each other since chidhood/foosha village and luffy really really really loves clinging to reader ! another thing, if u want this could be a soft yandere luffy as well cause hes definitelllyyy showing summ tendencies here lol

“tender is the night, lying by your side. tender is the touch of someone that you love too much. tender is my heart, i’m screwing up my life. lord, i need to find someone who can heal my mind.”

luffy’s first impression of [name] was that he was strong. he looked up to him, he wanted to be as cool as him and as capable as him. how many times [name] had saved luffy’s ass when they were children was uncountable. and all those memories live so vividly in the captain’s head.

and when he made [name] promise that he’d find him in the grand line - made him swear that he’d join his crew and not anyone else’s, it was all so serious. the most serious luffy had ever been in the face of [name].

because to luffy, there would be no reason sailing out to sea if [name] wasn’t by his side. it sounds childish, especially if luffy were to ever verbally say that, but overtime he had realized that it was another genuine sentiment. there was no way luffy could become the pirate king without [name] by his side.

"luffy, stop running over the mud, you’re gonna fall on your face!” [name] worriedly called out from the treehouse, seeing the rubber boy play in their yard. it had just recently rained and all the soil that was surrounding their treehouse was still sludgy.

of course, luffy wanted to play in the mud like the child he was. [name] wasn’t going to stop him, but he could at least warn the younger one of injury.

"come play with me, [name]! let’s make mud pies!”

“no! you’re just gonna get hungry and actually eat them! gross!”

“i won’t- i am hungry though!”

[name] didn’t reply, only leaning over the wooden railing of the treehouse and watching as luffy got himself all mucked up and dirty. somehow, his straw hat stayed clean the entire time. he sighed, fiddling with his own piece of shanks, the cloth on his wrist before smiling gently.

just as he was about to turn around and get some naps in, luffy’s shrill voice started screaming, “[name]! [name]! save me!!! save me!”

he whipped his head around in an instant, eyes widening when he saw that luffy was caught in a mud slide.

"i can't breathe!!"

his voice was getting farther away and [name] jumped out of the treehouse without hesitation.

“luffy! luffy!” he shouted desperately, grunting when his ankle got caught in the mud and he was being dragged into the disgusting substance as well. he jerked his body upwards, wanting to at least see where luffy could’ve possibly been.

and then he saw it — his tiny palm waving frantically around in the air. [name] grit his teeth, twisting his body every which way to break out of the sticky grasp the environment had on him.

"[name]-” the boy’s scream was cut off and the sound of coughing began to fill his ears.

”luffy!” he grabbed a vine that was on the side of a tree and ripped it off, unlocking a newfound strength in himself to save luffy. he threw it right into luffy’s palms and tugged as hard as he could.

he dug his heels into the ground, his jaw clenched as he put all of his strength in pulling luffy out. and when he finally did, the first thing he did was wrap his arms around the boy’s torso.

"can you breathe?! are you okay?!” he frantically asked, patting the boy’s back in case anything was lodged in his chest - hindering his breathing. but luffy just collapsed into his arms and began wailing.

“i thought i was going to die, [name]! thank you!!”

[name] protectively wrapped luffy up in his arms, hugging him as tight as possible as he tried to reassure himself that luffy was alright. and he steadied his breathing, allowing luffy to cry into his arms for however long he wanted.

“you stupid idiot, don’t ever play in mud again!” he scolded luffy, pushing away the black locks of hair out of luffy’s face. he grimaced when he felt how dirty his hair felt, reminding himself to bathe with luffy to ensure all the grime was washed out.

and despite luffy’s face almost being completely covered in mud, he still flashed that bright smile, “you saved me, [name]! thank you!”

[name] blinked a couple of times before laughing, “of course i’d save you! i’ll always be there! just scream like the little baby you are and i’ll come running!”

luffy frowned, hands balling into [name]’s mud ridden shirt, “i’m not a baby!”

“yeah, you are,” [name] corrected, “but it’s alright, i’ll take care of you no matter what! so you get the excuse of acting like a baby! but! only for a little while longer, you gotta start maturing soon, luffy!”

“don’t wanna, that sounds boring!”

“captain’s can’t be immature, y’know! i don’t want an immature captain!”

“i’m mature, the maturest captain out there!”

[name] laughed as loud as possible, finding luffy’s eagerness to please and obliviousness more heartfelt than anything he’s ever seen before.

and as [name] was sitting in the crow’s nest, watching luffy run around the deck whining for adventure, he realized how lucky he got that his captain was still an adventurous, reckless, and immature as he was. he fears that if luffy had lost any of those traits, he’d make for a boring captain.

as if knowing that [name] was watching from above, luffy looked up and grinned happily to see that his e/c eyes were looking at him. in a second, he stretched himself up to where [name] was and crashed into his chest.

“don’t you want to go on more adventures, [name]?” luffy asked, rubbing their cheeks against one another. the grin on his face could be felt along [name]’s skin. his rubbery, but soft, skin was already making [name] crack into a smile of his own.

“yes, i want to go on more adventures, but we need to find an island for that to be an option,” [name] reasoned logically, making luffy’s smile turn into a frown.

“but i wanna go now! can’t you take us to an island?!”

“it doesn’t work like that, luffy!”

“it so does, you liar!”

“you’re right it does, i was lying!” [name] grinned, laughing as luffy began play fighting with him. “but aren’t you on an adventure right now?”

luffy paused, stilling in his fake attacks as he mulled over the question. then his signature grin came back onto his face, “i guess i am!”

“what makes you say that?”

“if you’re here, i’m on the best adventure!” luffy sincerely, and unapologetically, shouted.

[name] was shocked at first before his expression melted into a loving stare, “i feel the same way,”

“good! it’d be wrong if you didn’t!”

luffy calmed down from when he was running around on the deck. he still had [name] wrapped up in his arms, but the man wasn’t fighting against his embrace. so he only tightened it further.

“i’m really, really, really, really, really happy you’re here, [name].”

luffy’s statement came out of nowhere, but [name] didn’t bother showing his surprise. he simply let luffy continue on.

“i don’t ever want to be seperated from you again,” luffy said, out of nowhere his voice was now trembling, “you’d leave and leave and leave and then i never knew when you’d be back — if you’d even come back! and i don’t want that ever again…don’t ever leave me again!”

[name] frowned, fists clenching at his sides as he heard luffy’s shaky voice.

“and then you left for three years and there was no way i could talk to you, you and ace left me by myself! but you promised me we’d find each other, so i knew you’d come back! and now that you’re back, you can’t ever leave again,” luffy tightened his hold on [name], nuzzling his now cold nose into his neck. it had turned cold due to the sudden rush of tears that were clouding his vision.

“no! no! don’t take him away! don’t take [name] away!” luffy shouted, fighting against the uniformed men. his fists were pathetically pounding into their legs, his cries filling the night air.

“[name]! don’t go! please, don’t go!!"

for [name], those cries that came from luffy lived in his mind on repeat. whenever he’d have to leave, against his will, luffy would wail and cry until he was too far that he wasn’t able to hear him. he’d never make luffy suffer like that again, he’d sworn it to himself.

he was supposed to be the one protecting him, not causing him pain. no more suffering would come to luffy, if [name] could help it. he’d never have to cry for him again.

“i won’t let you leave, i won’t let anyone take you away — never again!” luffy said stubbornly, his teeth grazing the flesh of [name]’s shoulder.

the captain never got sentimental like this — nearly coming to tears for apparently no reason. but, it was not a secret that he had an unseen side to himself when it came to [name].

it was a side that no one else on the crew had really witnessed for themselves (yet). a side of vulnerability that only [name] was capable of bringing out. it was like the way [name] could command luffy stop stealing food off of other people’s plates and the captain would listen (for a solid 5 minutes, then he’d have to cave in and steal more food for his stomach).

“i won’t leave, luffy.” [name] said in a determined tone, “no one is going to take me away. i belong here with you, so don’t worry about anyone coming for me.”

“if anyone tries taking you away, i’ll kill them. i’ll send them flying that they’ll never try coming back, ever again!” luffy shouted once more. a deep pit of anger lived in him, a secret that he kept hidden for the most part.

it was a sense of guilt, probably, that fueled it so wildly. the guilt of not being able to do anything when he was a child. so he feels the need to overcompensate now that he has become stronger. if [name]’s position in their crew was ever threatened, someone tried taking him away, luffy would have had years upon years of pent up anger to release.

no one really knew how angry he was. only himself. it was the type of anger he would showcase when one of his crewmates, his nakama, was threatened on a personal level. when he saw nami crying for help against arlong was the one instance he can remember the clearest.

but the thing is, if anything like that ever happened to [name], he doesn’t think he’d be able to control himself. if [name] was ever pushed to the point of begging and crying for help, luffy doesn’t know how sane he could act.

just thinking of how frail [name] was whenever he’d be taken away when they were younger made him feel blood thirsty.

and it was an odd feeling. he almost never feels this way. never so violent. but when it comes to [name], everything is a free for all in luffy’s mind.

ever since he was a child [name] has been nothing but kind, a protector for luffy. and the captain would rather die than fail in protecting the one person who was always there for him.

“ace, quit being so mean to luffy!” [name]’s voice shouted, scolding the freckled man. he ran over to the younger one’s side immediately, collecting him in his arms and creating a physical barrier around luffy and ace.

“you baby him too much! how is he supposed to get stronger-”

“he’s just a kid!!!” [name] would shout, as if the three year age gap between himself and luffy amounted to decades. “don’t be so mean to him, don’t hit him anymore! i won’t allow it!”

“there’s no way he’ll survive in the real world if you keep this up!”

[name] grit his teeth, standing up and socking ace right in the face, “you can’t decide that!!”

“i’m being realistic!”

“you’re bullying him, enough!” [name] spat out, once again gathering luffy into his arms, “i won’t allow you to hurt him any more! don’t ever think about laying your hands on luffy again!!”

luffy hid his face in [name]’s torso, a feeling blossoming in his chest. he didn’t know the name for it and in the coming years, it seems he’d never learn how to properly state this feeling.

but he did know that whenever [name] was nearby, luffy was protected. he felt protected. [name] was, as he is for so many people, a protector. natural instincts make him a self-sacrificial person. if taking a bullet in the place of someone else meant they’d live, he’d jump in front of the gun in an instant.

it was a trait of [name]’s that luffy genuinely hated. not how protective [name] was, but how involved he was in making judgement calls without regards to his own health.

that self-sacrificial mindset that made [name] think more irrationally than he’d ever notice. luffy hated that.

only tiny instances has ever been seen by luffy when they were growing up. taking scoldings and beatings from garp in order to save luffy the pain, shadowing luffy’s body with his own if there was a sudden danger directed towards him, things along those lines that would leave [name] with some injuries or scars.

but to think that this attitude of [name]’s could lead to more serious injuries, or even death, was what made luffy uncomfortable. made him want to punch a hole in the wall. it really, really infuriated him.

because in his eyes, [name]’s life was something more important than anything else. he didn’t understand how [name] could be so careless with something so important to luffy.

the idea that one day, someone may be in a life threatening situation, and [name] would take their place makes luffy’s heart start beating at impossible speeds and his breathing quicken. his mind would get cloudy in dark thoughts. and then he’d have to snap himself out of it to remind himself that he was day dreaming and nothing of those sorts was going to happen any time soon.

he’d make sure of it, as captain he was determined to.

”is he going to be okay, dadan?” luffy sniffled, tiny hands curled into fists as he stared at [name]’s bandaged form.

recklessly, [name] had jumped in front of an animal attacking luffy and took the attack for himself instead. it was a tiger slashing out to draw blood from luffy. [name] had caught the sight from the corner of his eye and ran as fast as he could, hoping to god he had made it in time.

and when he looked down and saw luffy unscratched, he weakly smiled in victory. three slashes were bearing into his skin and making him bleed profusely, but to see luffy unharmed in front of him was enough for him to pass out without a worry in his mind.

imagine luffy’s fear as he had to carry [name] on his back, on his own, not knowing if the ragged breathing coming down on his ears would suddenly stop. the fear and dread he’d feel if he took him all the way back to dadan and it was already determined to be “too late” to save [name].

and the way it would have all been his fault.

now, in reality, the damage wasn’t as bad as luffy had thought it out to be. but he was still only a child. the fact he had seen that much blood was enoug reason for why he thought [name] was really going to die. it was a relatively valid fear.

“he’s going to be alright, this brother of yours is the toughest one of the whole pack of you rabbid animals,” dadan grunted, taking her seat across from luffy by [name]’s side.

“not my brother,” luffy grumpily corrected, tired of people getting the wrong idea. how many times has he had to tell people [name] wasn’t his brother. to luffy he was so much more than that.

as rude as it sounded to his two other brothers, [name] was so much more than a simple title of “brother.”

“apologies,” dadan sarcastically said, “but really, he’s going to be fine luffy, he’ll be better if you just leave him alone, though.”

she stood up, going to walk out of the room and held the door open for luffy. she waited for him to join her side, but he was glued to being by [name]. seeing his resolve in staying by [name], she gently closed the door behind her.

luffy already promised himself he wouldn’t move until [name] opened his eyes.

he wouldn’t sleep until [name] opened his eyes. he wouldn’t eat until [name] drank water — since luffy knew that would be the first thing the boy would need when waking up.

he wouldn’t allow himself the luxury of things [name] was missing out on. especially when it was luffy’s fault he was in this state in the first place.

in the crow’s nest of merry, [name] could only rub up and down luffy’s arm in hopes of calming him down. he felt guilty for being the reason of luffy’s tears, but realized that there was nothing he could have done to prevent them.

the two were too familiar with why he was crying in the first place. they knew that combatting it before the tears would start was useless. luffy had broken down to [name] many times before, especially when they were younger. it would end in sleepless nights and sweet nothings being echoed in the air for luffy’s ears and luffy’s ears only.

and the best way to take care of it was to let it happen. whispered nothings weren't really effective to luffy. he didn’t want to be fed empty promises, he could tell when things couldn’t be guaranteed. but, he thinks, if [name] is the one saying them he wouldn't mind at least hearing them. that didn’t necessarily mean he was listening though.

there was something else he would never pass up on hearing over and over and over again from [name]. it was four simple words. it could be false hope being put into luffy’s head, but he’d believe it for as long as he could.

“i’m not going anywhere,” [name] whispered into luffy’s arms, twisting his body around so now he was properly hugging luffy as well. before luffy had simply suffocated him in his arms, chest to back. but now that they were in a proper embrace, luffy could really hide himself in [name]’s arms.

it was like they were in the treehouse again. in their own world.

“i’m not going anywhere,” [name] repeated more slowly, raking his hands through luffy’s hair and gripping him tight. to emphasize the fact that this was a promise that he’d try his best in keeping.

to luffy, [name] was not a brother.

“i won’t let you,” luffy said in a stubborn voice, the syllables shaking as they left his lips. “you belong here, only here! you belong with me!”

[name] weakly laughed at luffy’s childish exclamation, nodding his head to ease his worries.

luffy never really got to vent these emotions out, so when did they come to surface, they were almost like a tsunami. they’d drown him in saying things he might’ve not even understood, but felt right to say.

and he’d blabber on about things he might not understand because he knew keeping them suppressed wasn't an option.

luffy didn’t know how to talk about the emotions he felt regarding [name], not in a way that would do them justice at least. he didn’t know how to articulate how protective he felt of [name], so instead as a compromise he’d attach himself to him whenever he could.

if someone tried sweeping [name] off of his feet, he wouldn’t know how to tell other people [name] was only his, so instead he’d yell about how annoying that person was to him and [name].

he didn’t know how to properly say how much he loved [name] so he’d boil it down to thinking [name] was heaven on earth.

[name] smiled gently when he felt luffy bury his head into his neck, tears pouring out of his eyes. he wondered what spurred luffy into being so open at the moment, but he wasn’t going to ask. it wasn’t appropriate and it didn’t matter.

he didn’t care why luffy was suddenly so worried on him no longer being there, he’d only focus on assuring him that he really wasn’t going anywhere. because someone would have to pry his cold, dead hands off of luffy if they wanted to separate the two. there’s no way he’d ever leave luffy again, especially after hearing his worries so vividly spoken now.

sure, luffy would say things relatively similar things to this when they were young. but there was always a sense of uncertainty in [name] when he would comfort luffy back then. he wasn’t sure if he was really going to be able to stay with him. the circumstances were so confusing back then.

but now it’s a clear picture. he knows that there is no way anyone could come between the two. after being pulled apart so sporadically in their youth and then being separated for three years due to [name] setting sail earlier, there was no room for argument in this matter.

[name] and luffy wouldn’t ever be separated for long ever again. [name] would do everything in his power to ensure that didn’t happen. anything to keep luffy happy. anything to keep luffy safe and protected.

“will you always leave like this when we are older, [name]?” luffy innocently asked one night. the two were awake due to the younger one having vivid nightmares regarding [name].

a nightmare that was reoccuring nowadays. [name] would be taken away and then he’d never come back, leaving his status unknown to luffy. and he’d wake up screaming and crying and [name] would be at his side in an instant.

”i’m working on it, lu, i really am,” [name] consoled him, holding him as they bathed in the moonlight. “i hate being away from you too, but there’s nothing we can do abuot it — for now.”

“i’ll get stronger and then i’ll beat all those stupid guys up!” luffy said in pure determination, his eyebrows furrowed together in anger and frustration, “i’ll fight them next time,”

[name] chuckled, shaking his head, “don’t fight them. just promise to me you’ll always be waiting for me when i leave and i’ll always, always come back,”

luffy blinked owlishly before settling on that compromise. he wiggled his pinky finger in the air, right in front of [name]’s face, “i’ll promise to always be here waiting if you promise to always come back,”

[name] paused, thinking of he really should make empty promises. but then he shook his head, refusing to think so negatively and in a pessimistic way when luffy’s smile was bringing nothing but optimism to their conversation.

so he interlocked their pinkies together, shaking slightly as he nodded, “i promise.”

[name] was tender.

in his earliest memories of [name], luffy has known him to only be tender. the tender care [name] would show him, the love that was delivered to him so tenderly. the touch that would ghost over his skin, not because he was scared of holding him, but so he wouldn’t startle him.

no matter what, [name] would always be tender to luffy.

[chaoticbardlady99]

Nobody's Fool Part 3 (Astarion x GN! Reader)

Synopsis: Astarion reflects on his plan and progress thus far. You and Karlach accidentally eat the wrong kind of mushrooms.

Content Warning: Dead Dove (Astarion), accidental drug use (btw, Mushrooms had a very emotional effect on me so that is my current frame of reference)

Part 2 : Part 4 : Master list

 Here’s the thing. 

  Astarion and Shadowheart had sex, but there was absolutely no chemistry between them. It was awkward in a weird way and they both just kinda ended up… lying there. They blamed it on the alcohol initially, but his brain wandered to you that night and how stupid he was to veer from his initial plan. Shadowheart had no loyalty to him, but you followed him around like an adorable pup.

 You are way too good and of course you would give him another chance. Certainly you can still go “walk along the beach” or whatever the hells you had asked. Astarion would give you a night you would never forget and you would forget about his rejection entirely.

 He figured he would use your little crush to get what he wanted- insured safety. Astarion would provide you with good sex and honeyed words for the duration of the journey and it would all be “peaches and crème” as Gale has said in the recent past. 

  Shadowheart and Astarion agreed that they could not attempt that with each other again and agreed to become temporary allies. She keeps Karlach away from you so Astarion can get back in your good graces and Shadowheart can eventually get into Karlach‘s bedroll. Only, how would he convince you that he actually cares for you when he still didn’t at all?

 Shadowheart obviously didn’t know he didn’t care, but he was a convincing enough liar that the queen of “deception” didn’t even notice his emotional fib. 

 So their next solution was to tell a big, fat white lie. 

 “He said their name during sex!” Shadowheart scoffed as Astarion eavesdropped nearby, “I am broken up about it- devastated.” 

 And how well did that fucking go?

 Piss. Fucking. Poor.

 Astarion and Shadowheart found themselves at a loss. You were still exceptionally distant and wouldn’t engage in a conversation at all and Karlach was too busy spending time with you. Fort Tavlach was becoming a very big annoyance to both of them. 

 So they proceeded to do what they had wanted you both to do. Shadowheart has had a bit easier of a time considering Karlach is more forgiving, outgoing, and confident. However, Astarion is unsure of where he stands with you. 

 At first it made him panic because he had had a plan. Astarion needs you on his side for safety reasons. 

 Why couldn’t you be like everyone else and just… not respect him? This is not how this is supposed to work. You are supposed to ignore his boundaries- insist he be with you. 

 Suddenly, he found himself beginning to genuinely miss your company at night. He wished he had invested a bit more time in your conversations together and the less he got to know you the more he wanted to know. 

 There were snippets here and there- any piece of information anyone seemed to have or whatever you were willing to give him. 

 He pushed the unwelcome warm thoughts away and refocused on his plan. Astarion knows he is going to have to really really work to get back in your good graces so he bought that damn necklace at full price (definitely not because he was actually concerned because that would be nonsense and this is all part of his very well thought out plan). 

 You looked so happy and he became caught up in the conversation with you. You were being less guarded like you had before. Astarion became very aware of how beautiful your eyes are and how expressive they are. Hells, he really noticed how beautiful you are and it hit him like you did the night before when he scared you. He honestly didn’t think you were capable of punching anyone in the stomach that hard and you felt so bad, but he was mostly turned on. Exceptionally impressed too. 

 Your laughter washed over him in waves and he truly felt calm for the first time in the last 200 years. He is safe with you without having to give you every piece of him right away. You have never wavered in your loyalty and support to him- merely just drew back to respect his space and to try to move on. 

 Astarion began hanging out with you every chance he could find- continuously convincing himself that this is all a part of his grand masterfully crafted  

 His trance had gripped him and he felt like he was back in Cazador’s palace. It was the night his scars were carved into his back. Astarion could still feel every single moment of Cazador branding him. 

 He was so grateful you let him spend time with you and that you didn’t kick him out. Astarion listened to your pulse the entire night until he was lulled into a trance- a much more peaceful and happy one. It had been one of the first days you were all traveling together and you fought all those disgusting Gnolls together. 

 You were so beautiful that day- covered in blood and adrenaline in your eyes. You were so protective of all of them and you had checked on each of them a million times. He only woke up again because the end of that memory was you passing out from a wound you hadn’t realized you had. It jolted him awake.

 He has spent every night since in your tent- he is too afraid to bring you to his because it’s not the cleanest and it feels like his very private space. Astarion wants to wait for whatever reason. 

 You have never pestered, asked, or forced your way in while he has pushed himself upon you. Astarion had tried to stay in his tent one night after a hunt and he ended up in your tent anyway. 

 You had been too warm and struggling to sleep. He quickly amended that issue. He hasn’t stayed away since. 

 Except for right now while you are busy. Astarion is trying to read this stupid, probably evil, powerful book and it won’t let him. 

  The thoughts are insane and wild- the spells on the pages and the dark magic calls out to him like a harpy’s song. One of the spells rings louder than the others- playing on his jealousy and new found relationships with promises of a powerful new spell that will dampen his hunger.

 He would if it wouldn’t upset you so much and this book is very convincing. It’s terrible, but he does not want to upset you. He rather likes being by your side lately and most importantly- he has a plan to tend to. 

“No… I won’t kill them!”

 Astarion pauses for a moment- the book coaxing a name out of him anyway.

“Well, maybe Wyll.”

 He has felt bitter towards the Warlock since you walked back into camp with him and then when you began talking to Wyll more than Astarion.

 No- it was not fair. He fucked up.

 It didn’t make him any less bitter though.

“Well if I have a say,” your melodic voice flows through his ears, “could you kill someone, I don’t know, maybe a little less useful?”

 Astarion slams the Necromancy of Thay with a start. He wasn’t expecting you to be back for a while- you had been talking to Wyll after you washed off and Astarion had opened a book about Necromancy to take his mind off of what it would be like to join you- A. At the river and B. Interjecting himself into the conversation. 

 It’s probably a good thing you came over when you did, but now his jealousy has decided to rear it’s ugly head. 

“How useful can he be when he won’t seem to stop talking to you every chance he gets?” He scowls, “hardly the quality of work I would expect from the mighty ‘Blade of Frontiers’!”

“A-“

“You know,” he interrupts, far too heated to notice your confused expression, “Wyll’s the sort of prince type I would have once dreamed of marrying. When I was about thirteen.”

 He realizes his tone is sharp and angry. Astarion also realizes this may not be fair, but his impulsivity seems to be outweighing better judgment. 

He crosses his arm, trying to avoid eye contact without making it too obvious (he actually manages to succeed somehow by staring just past your face).

“So will you be dedicating yourself entirely then to your new, true love? Should I be returning to my tent to-“

“Will you shut your blood hole for a minute and let me speak?” 

 Astarion is snapped back to reality and your eyebrows are furrowed- face screwed up as you search his features and he feels exceptionally vulnerable. Are you deciding if he is even worth spending time with? Maybe you are regretting letting him get close to you again.

 The idea makes his stomach turn. He really screwed up this time. Now he’s going to have to watch you with Wyll and probably hear the act of him ‘burying his blade’.

 Your features have softened significantly- whatever you found in Astarion’s features had been what you needed apparently. Again, he feels naked, vulnerable.

 Like being chained and forced to let Cazador carve into his back. Only, he doesn’t know what his punishment will be for speaking out of turn this time.

 Nothing, he thinks, because they would never do that to me. 

“Where is this coming from?” You ask slowly, “Wyll and I have always talked and it’s never bothered you before.”

 Astarion feels… frozen. He can’t tell you why it bothers him now. Well, he could and it would go along exceptionally well with his plan to reel you back in, but that would be crossing the threshold into reality. The feelings would be too real for that kind of connection and it could be what leaves him open to be blindsided or seriously hurt. 

 “I-I suppose I am just making sure I sleep in the right place tonight,” he chuckles awkwardly, “I would hate to stumble across you and Wyll ‘burying his blade’ if you catch my meaning.

“And I do mean sex, to be clear.” 

 You sigh heavily with a chuckle and an adorable roll of your eyes. He knows you can see right through him. You are exceptionally good at that and he doesn’t care for it a whole lot. 

 To his own surprise, you hug him and it’s probably the most gentle touch he has ever received from another in the last 200 years. 

 At first he is reluctant, but when you go to pull away, he unfreezes and returns it. 

 You smell like fresh laundry and a lovely spring evening. It feels right to have you this close to him and in such an intimate capacity. Astarion has to really keep himself from whining like a child when you pull away and begin your journey to your tent for the night.

 “I can assure you that if anyone is going to share my tent with me, I would choose you over everyone everywhere, anytime,” you say promptly, turning around and calling over your shoulder, “so if you are feeling up to it, you are welcome to join me in my tent for our usual chatting sessions and a cuddle. Otherwise, I will be sleeping alone.” 

 And there you go- leaving him absolutely speechless in your wake. You are much much sassier and sure of yourself than he remembers to give you credit for sometimes. He is trying to ignore the giddiness that lights up his nervous system at your words. 

 He used to thrive off of you being his little pup- following him around and waiting for his direction. Now he’s the hopeless fool in the situation and is quickly on your heels- following you to your tent. 

 You turn and seem surprised that he is there before you flash one of your brilliant smiles. 

 Speechless- you leave him speechless. Astarion wants to kiss you and he wants to ask.

 Yet, he can’t get himself to. He doesn’t want your companionship to turn into a sexual connection just yet- maybe before, but he actually has come to really enjoy your company. In spite of his better judgment and his plan, he does not want to jeopardize every last bit of hard work he put into fixing your relationship. 

 So instead you both sit and talk. Astarion finds himself asking you more questions than he had previously and he is filled with thousands of them. 

“I am excited to get out of the Underdark,” you yawn and stretch, “I miss the sun and the moon. Oh and not accidentally walking into some kind of spore that makes me laugh until I wish to keel over and die.” 

 Astarion grimaces in agreement. He had been the unfortunate victim of those stupid things today and he is very lucky he doesn’t need air. You were very very worried, but he gestured for you to stay back- the last thing anyone needed was for you to pass out. None of them would be organized without you and they would probably all fight over who gets to bring you back or who leads everyone back home. It sounded like too much effort and mental exhaustion for his liking. 

 “I really don’t care for it down here,” he sighs, “I want to enjoy my time in the sun for as long as I can and the lack of Minotaurs is a bonus.”

 You shudder, “those things are absolutely terrifying. I am glad we have been able to avoid them for the most part, but I don’t want to have to fight them head on.” 

 “Don’t worry, Darling, I am sure you can outwit them anyday. They are lucky they have been able to avoid you if I am being entirely honest.”

 Your grin is wonderful and you blush. Astarion can hear your heart kickstart and you are definitely smitten with him. His plan is working- he should be thrilled. He should make his move. 

 You may have become more important to him than a stupid plan and he isn’t happy about it (maybe he is a little). 

 You fall asleep shortly- your head is on his chest and his hand plays aimlessly with your hair. Astarion has noticed that this act helps you fall asleep and it also seems to help lull him into a trance too. 

  Sometimes memories blend together in a negative way. Other times, his trances, like his current one, is imagery of you both destroying Cazador and traveling together in the aftermath. 

 These trances may be his favorite guilty pleasure. Both of you are safe, happy, and definitely enamored with one another for eternity. 

**************************************************************

  You and Karlach keep staring at each other from across the fire, but it’s because you both made a truly terrible mistake. 

 You had both been searching for something to use for kindling and you were both giddily talking about your respective crushes. You have both considered that they may be using you to make each other jealous, but the more they compare notes, the less and less it appears to be the case. 

 It was supposed to be a harmless snack- Karlach insisted that the mushrooms were the “safe and non- magic” kind and that they were ‘delicious’.

 You both feel positively fucking insane. You barely made it back to camp and even then, Astarion walked up to you, said something, and you could only focus on how he kept changing color. Oh and he was speaking in a language you are certain isn’t real either. 

 You feel like you are underwater but your mind could not be more clear. Your eyes hurt from how bright everything is, but you feel like you are finally seeing the world. 

 This really, really needs to end soon. 

“What is with you two?!” Gale asks in exasperation, “it is not dinner time yet! Quit trying to bully me into feeding you. You lot are worse than Tara!”

 However- it sounds like botched common and neither one of you can understand a word he is saying. 

 The silly magic man says silly silly words.

 You giggle like a mad man at Karlach’s telepathic message. She begins to giggle too and Gale’s worry comes off of him in great waves.

 Literally- you are watching it ripple from his body.

 Gale says something again and you both begin laughing harder.

“Silly- silly magic man says silly words,” Karlach wipes away her tears, “what is his name again?”

 What… is his name again? It’s something silly right? 

 “GALE!” You scream, “LIKE THE WIND A MIGHTY EAGLE SOARS ON!”

 You gasp, looking at Gale before looking to Karlach, “HIS NAME IS ALSO A SPELL AND HE IS A WIZARD!!!!!” 

 You and Karlach are crying with laughter 

 You don’t remember standing on the log nor do you remember falling, but you feel Astarion’s delicate fingers on your hips and you bite your bottom lip so hard it bleeds. 

 His touch feels electric. You feel like you are really physically melting.

“Darling?” 

 Swimming, swimming, swimming, and yet he is clear as day. You blink up at him adoringly- awaiting his next words with a baited breath. 

Your mushroom addled mind is certain he is looking at you with equal amounts of adoration, but also a lot of concern. 

 Other people join and eventually you are being dragged to your tent- both you and Karlach screaming your “SEE YA LATER!”s as Shadowheart drags her off. 

 You lazily allow Astarion to guide you to your tent and when you collapse onto your bed roll- he quickly follows. You lay on your back and stare at the ceiling- lost in your silly little thoughts while he is looking at you like you have lost your mind. 

 You want to tell him what you are thinking, but instead, you become sad. Astarion is so beautiful in all the ways and you really wish he felt the way you feel about him. You would take him seashell hunting on every beach that exists. He would never know how it felt to be used or disrespected again and you would willingly be with him. In spite of all the baggage and emotional trauma- the things that “scared Shadowheart off” according to Karlach, you would choose him every time. 

 Technically, you already do. You may not be who he wants and one day you will watch him walk away from you forever, but at least he will know how he should be treated. 

 It doesn’t prevent your wistful and hopeless thinking any less. Your chest feels heavy and you feel burdened with your emotions. They hurt.

 You could fall asleep together every night and share goodnight kisses if you were together. You could talk while being entangled in each other’s embrace, bath together because you really love the idea of spoiling him in that way. 

 Hells, you could even envision yourself having sex with him (and you have envisioned it, but you ignore that). 

 You desire to connect with him on every level, but he will never want that with you and it becomes very hard for you to breathe or speak all of a sudden. 

“Darling?” His voice is soft, comforting, and heartbreaking in the same breath, “what’s wrong?” 

 You look back up at the ceiling and just imagine Selune reminding you that there will be others- trying to think of literally anything else. What happened to your happy mood? Why are you having emotional whiplash? 

 Cool fingers wipe away your tears and a whimper leaves your lips before you begin to cry even harder. 

 Why doesn’t he love you? Why can’t the one person you have fallen in love with love you back? It’s not his fault, but Gods it’s not fair that you will watch him be with other people for as long as you live and doomed to die without him, always wishing you could have at least walked on that damn beach together. At least then you would have that memory to hang on to. 

  You feel him hold you- the electricity rippling through you and you can hear him trying to ask you what is wrong. 

 Your head is spinning- you are so confused and emotionally not feeling well, but now you are beginning to feel better. Co-regulation or something like that. It’s common practice in Selunite Culture- it’s meant to help their youngest members get through uncomfortable emotions. You always loved the concept, but you never experienced it yourself until that one night with Wyll. You never anticipated Astarion being here for you like this. 

  His fingers running through your hair pulls you out of your despair and into a happier mood. Your tears begin to fade to mere sniffles and you swear you feel a soft pair of lips press a kiss to your forehead.

 “That’s it, Darling. Come back to me and out of your spiraling.” 

 You giggle, “spiralinggggggg is my specialty. Have you ever tried to watch Shadowheart read a map? No wonder she got kidnapped. If she had to keep me from spiralingggg I fear I would be lost forever.”

 Astarion pauses for a second out of shock alone before he begins to laugh along with you. The sound makes your heart feel so full. How wonderful it is to make someone else happy after they have been so miserable for so long. 

“I am guessing the ‘magic’ of the Underdark has consumed your mind?” 

 You nod enthusiastically and with a big yawn- your sadness was excruciatingly intense. You feel like you could nap for an eternity. 

 “Karlach thought they were the yummy kind, not the funny kind.” 

 He snorts and you swear you feel another kiss being placed on the side of your temple. You hum happily and curl up against him when he lays you both down. 

“I think this is my favorite place to be,” you say absentmindedly, no longer in a state of mind to be aware of your words.

“Your tent?” His voice is laced with confusion. 

 You laugh, in spite of yourself, “no! Laying here with you, silly.” 

 The quietness in the tent would bother you if you weren’t in la la land. 

“I- I think this may be my favorite place to be too.”

“In my tent?” You mimic.

 You can feel him roll his eyes, “very funny, Darling.

“I meant… laying here with you.” 

 Astarion’s voice is so coy and quiet. You prop yourself up and peer at his face. He looks conflicted and unsure about something. 

“What is it? Did I say something wrong?”

“Not at all,” he says with a smile, “in fact, you say all the right things the majority of the time.”

“Why thank you!” You beam, “I may not be a very wise cleric, but I am certainly a charismatic one!” 

“Hmm I would argue against your statement, but you are currently experiencing magic mushrooms and aren’t clerics supposed to know things like that?”

“I am good at the magic piece,” you grumble, “not so much the herbology shit or whatever. Too much to remember and now my HEAD HURTS TRYING TO REMEMBER!”

 Astarion laughs and shakes his head- you are far goofier than anyone else he has ever met and of course you would say that about herbology. You look like you want to commit a war crime anytime Gale begins talking about Alchemy. 

 “I am so sorry that I have caused you so much distress, Darling,” he says dramatically, “whatever can I do to make it up to you?”

 Your brain hits serious mode and you look at him with the most serious expression you can think of.

“Write to me sometimes when this journey ends?” Your voice strains, “don’t forget about me? Please? Or at least don’t forget about me until I’m long gone in the physical sense?”

 You chuckle awkwardly, but your tears betray you. Astarion is quick to wipe away your tears and he grabs your hand on his chest- kissing your knuckle.

“My Dear,” he says softly, “I have no intentions of forgetting about you and well, the details of after our little adventure can be discussed when you are a bit more clear minded. I don’t want you to suggest we go and ‘explore’ the Cloakwood or something insane like that.”

  You understand what he is saying, but you also don’t so you just grin and scoff.

“I would not say we should travel to the- okay, wait. That may actually be a good idea because all of the people getting trapped there by fey-“

 Astarion interrupts you with a finger on your lips and an unamused expression that makes you giggle.

“You are an insufferable hero and while I adore you for it- I must save you from yourself. No visiting the Cloakwoods.”

“Fineeeeeeeeeeeeee,” you lay your head back against his chest, smiling and the urge to sleep filling your body, “I will win eventually.”

 He snorts in response.

“We will see about that, Darling.”

Tag list: @preciouslittlebhaalbae @xxgrimripp3rxx @alice4wonderland2812 @therobishow @m1ster1e @tragicdruid @katsutoria @aristenfromwarsaw @avabjorna36 @frankie-mercury @golden-baby

[genderkoolaid]

Do you genuinely believe we can somehow change the hearts and minds of billionaires and politicians in power in for example the USA in a way that will actually result in a radical change in and improvement of conditions for folks currently oppressed under capitalism in the USA and hopefully globally? If so, how?

This is coming from someone who really would like to believe pure nonviolence is possible but who does not see much of an actual way forward for that. That said I do not see those billionaires and politicians as "nonhuman", I don't think that's productive and I think dehumanizing anyone who is factually a human person as a practice is dangerous so I am in agreement with you there. Thanks for your time if you choose to share your thoughts.

What I like about Against the Logic of the Guillotine is that it isn't for pure nonviolence. It breaks down the false binary that our options are "let the streets run red with blood until our every thirst for revenge is slaked" or "punching nazis makes you as bad as them 🥺"

& i think that binary is tempting because it absolves us of a responsibility to think deeply about things. if all revolutionary violence is good and justified, then you don't have to think too hard about the violence, you just see it & condone it. If all violence is bad and morally evil, then you still don't have to think too hard to condemn it. Our options are like, moral baby food.

But if we reject that binary, then there is no easy answer. Its not as easy as "yes leftist violence is always justified" or "any violence ever is always unjustified." You have to ask yourself, what am I doing? Why? What does this accomplish? Who is affected by this? What do they have to say? It makes us look at the actual nature of our violence and pick it apart and see where we have fucked up and where we might fuck up again. Its a lot more messy and also requires that we form relationships with others & genuinely listen to what they have to say. Its much much harder than Violence Good or Violence Bad but its also much more capable of adapting to the needs of people in the complicated situations where we find ourselves.

My opinion is that we will not reach anti-capitalism and anti-imperialism without violence. But more than anything, its because the systems in power will not let us. I think the foundation of the Revolution (in a more abstract sense of the word) must be community. We should focus our efforts most on building local networks of mutual support. If people suddenly find themself in a community that has free public food gardens & a community fridge, where people are already practicing transformative justice, etc. etc. then it will become materially obvious that we don't need to rely on the current system to survive. It will become clear that the current system is more of a hindrance to what we could do if we were not being controlled. And then people will be more likely to support any revolutionary violence that becomes necessary, because they will see their neighbors and know that when the dust settles, they know how to care for each other through shitty situations. Violence should really be the topping on a cake of community & indispensability politics.

Also this line from AtLotG really changed my perspective on "punishing the rich":

The worst punishment anyone could inflict on those who govern and police us today would be to compel them to live in a society in which everything they’ve done is regarded as embarrassing—for them to have to sit in assemblies in which no one listens to them, to go on living among us without any special privileges in full awareness of the harm they have done. If we fantasize about anything, let us fantasize about making our movements so strong that we will hardly have to kill anyone to overthrow the state and abolish capitalism. This is more becoming of our dignity as partisans of liberation.

"If we fantasize about anything, let us fantasize about making our movements so strong that we will hardly have to kill anyone to overthrow the state and abolish capitalism" really sums it up for me.

[gremlinmodetweeker]

Oh my goshhhhhh I just binged all of your eldrich König writing and I’m OBSESSED! I need to know everything, what does it mean that they’re the herald? How many realms are there? What are the geopolitical realities of an (unaligned?) military of summoners? Have summons always been a part of this world’s history?

His mom is the coolest and I love the way the eldrich remind me of Nyx and her many children the chorionic gods.

It’s killing me they haven’t banged it out yet. And if hes bedded other people how did he not know his dick is weird 👀 This konig isnt like others Ive read and I’m just loving the warm and fuzzies from him being such a thoughtful partner but like almost too well adjusted? Miss the pet names though… Can’t wait to read more 💖💯🙌🏻 thank you!

I want them to fuck but unfortunately, here we are. I am suffering so much. Alas, a slow burn must be stirred carefully.

Now! As to what the herald means? I can't say. As to how many realms there are? As many atoms as there are in the universe and then some. They're practically infinite. It just so happens that König comes from one only a couple of realms away. He's not so distant from us, which is part of what allows him to inhabit our reality. If he were too distant, his form wouldn't be able to be corporeal. It wouldn't be able to take shape, period. The farther away a realm is, the less control it has over ours, and likewise us to them.

As for summoners out of the military, summons are very common! Many people call upon summons to help with daily tasks. Some are just for washing dishes or clothes, some are to keep as company on lonely nights. The use of summons varies depending on the person. In this world, humans have dedicated themselves to learning about other realms and pursuing knowledge and arts. They value hard skills made by human hands, though usage of summons to make manufactured goods is still a staple. Some individuals are dedicated to finding more and more summons, others are dedicated to training summons. Humans live luxurious lives these days. After all, if you never have to worry about maintaining a home, what would you do with all the free time? Humans aren't always lazy. Many of us devolved to degeneracy, but those humans didn't last long and didn't produce many more. The ones who had an internal drive were the ones to really carry on having families and pursuing greatness. Though some people still fall through the cracks, humanity has prospered in the age of summons.

Have summons always been here? Not really. They were discovered in the early common era to the start of the industrial age. For this group of humans, the industrial age was the age of summons. The summoning age, if you will. This was what kick-started their technological revolution.

On a different note!

König's mother is a beautiful creature. I truly consider her as close to divine as mortals can bear witness to. I am in awe of her. She is genuinely a fascinating being. She loves her children, she loves life, but she's not a good being. She's the embodiment of chaos, a rung above König. She's as capable of good as she is of bad. I will say, she prefers to preserve life when possible. She likes life, she likes how chaotic it is. She wants to preserve our spontaneity.

She also is very careful about Summoner. She likes our chocolates, but she kinda knows that König and Summoner haven't actually started their relationship, contrary to what König thinks. However, she's certain that we will end up together, which is the main reason she doesn't snuff out our candle before it's been lit. Herald be damned, she doesn't care. If we hurt her baby boy she'll erase our bloodline from the entirety of existence. It's a damn good thing that Summoner eventually ends up with König!!!

[selene-moonie]

Jean Kirschtein Simp Post

I love Jean Kirschtein. He had me in the palm of his hand from the moment he challenged Eren for being a suicidal maniac (AND HE WAS RIGHT!!!), and when he debuted in s4, he was basically my husband.

Bless his s4 visuals because he didn't need to look this good, like damn.

Again, Jean calling out Eren for for constantly attempting suicide as well as being irresponsible in his fights got me from the get-go. I watched Eren be irresponsible and I watched everyone else applaud him for being courageous but I don't think they understood that Eren already had little to live for, so it wasn't courage. It was the only option. Eren was fearless for the most part. Jean telling him he's suicidal and irresponsible was refreshing, and it showed that Jean had a better head on his shoulders than most of their cohorts.

Actually, this plays into what Marco told Jean - that he'd would make a good leader. It's because Jean is aware of his surroundings and makes good use of it. Eren on the other hand, bites off more than he can chew then lets his friends clean up his mess. That's why they clash. Jean sees how things can be handled with the least amount of casualties, and Eren fights. And even then, Jean ends up growing up and moving past things with Eren till s4, when Eren becomes a problem again.

Additionally, I love the way Jean loves. Openly, honestly, wholeheartedly. Now, he's a smart man, so he knew not to mess with a girl clearly in love with someone else, but you could see how openly he'd loved Mikasa if they'd gotten together. Like he'd be giddy and happy all the time - because he has the girl he wants. Also, loyalty? Seven years after they met and he was still fantasising about her.

Also Jean can cook. That's just chef's kiss, no pun intended. I love me a man that can cook. And I know he, Connie and Sasha were swapping recipes over the years. They had a ball in the kitchen if Sasha didn't eat everything.

I say this in every post as well - but his friendships with Connie and Sasha humanised him. They matched his energy and took his ass down a peg or 10. They were the siblings he didn't have, but needed. Like you can't tell me he's just some vain/arrogant guy when he has the capability of having deep relationships with others like what he had with Connie and Sasha. I'll this again as well - Sasha never went a day not knowing that Jean and Connie had her back.

But yeah, seeing him go from this arrogant little teenage shit, to a capable man was a sight to behold. All his dreams were crushed and he changed course. He wanted to be best best, and he ended up being one of the best (can't beat Annie and Mikasa). His friend that hyped him up the most? Dead - titan vomit. The girl he loved? In love with someone else. Becoming military police? A waste of his skills in light of the real fight being with the titans. The high rise apartment? Probably still a possibility, but when do they actually live in their homes as soldiers? Jean had some of the best character development I've seen in fucking ages.

One of the things I resonated with the most was the fact that he kept fighting. He kept moving forward. Even when he'd cover his ears and fantasise about his high rise apartment in Wall Sheena with Mikasa and their child - he'd get up and deal with reality. Do you know how fucking hard that is? When you have a real and genuine fear of what life is, and you still get up to face it - that's true courage. That's something I'll admire till the day I die.

Now that we're done talking about his personality, let's talk looks because his s4 visuals were absolute fucking crack. I don't know what Isayama put into his visuals, but he did it right. Honestly everyone looked great but due to my attraction to Jean, he looked even better. The mullet he'd slick back? Just his looks in general? Absolute fucking crack, and I am just an addict. Jean is the full package. The full fucking package.

I have this headcanon (basically a modern au) that he likes expensive cologne and has a somewhat meticulous grooming routine. He cooks a lot, and it's like French restaurant quality, but he'll never forget his humble omurice roots. As an individual, he's cool and respectful, but it's always chaos with Connie and Sasha. He's a private person and excels in his dedicated career/job, and be he loves openly. He doesn't hide who he loves or that he loves them. Like, he's a person at the end of the day, but just a really cool one. Also he's responsible.

Anyway yeah, Jean Kirschtein is perfection incarnate and I stand by that.

[saaraofthesand]

Oda Didn’t Understand Dazai: An Opinion By Me

@catboychuuuya wanted me to elaborate on that bit in my Soukoku post about Odasaku not really understanding Dazai. I aim to please, so here I am.

Let’s begin

Part A: Buraiha Trio

Oda wasn’t necessarily a bad friend. He just didn’t really know what to do with Dazai. I actually think Ango was both a better friend toward, and had a better understanding of, Dazai (Oda pushed Dazai toward the light, but Ango was the reason he got to stay there).

Oda decided that Dazai should live in the light, but I think Ango always thought he belonged there. Like he knew that Dazai had the potential to be good.

In the prologue of the Dark Era light novel, Ango is the one truly bothered by Dazai’s apathy and suicidal tendencies. Oda has very mild reactions to all of it. Dazai is basically crying out for help, and Oda’s reactions are very indulgent (kind of “that’s nice, sweetie”).

"'Oh yeah, I created a new hot-pot recipe. Would you guys be up to trying it next time we hang out? I call it the 'superhuman stamina pot.' You can run for hours without getting tired after eating it. It’s a dream of a—'

'Not in a million years,' Ango sternly declined.

'If it keeps you from getting tired, then it might be pretty useful before a hard day's work,' I added.

'…Odasaku, that's exactly the problem right there. You're enabling Dazai. You don't speak up, and that's why he goes off the rails.'

I see. So this was what Ango meant by 'enabling' him. You learn something new every day."

Now, again, Oda was not a bad person or friend. It’s normal to joke around with your friends. But also, I think it’s pretty clear (Particularly in Storm Bringer and the Dark Era) that Dazai was genuinely struggling in the mafia. He was extremely unhappy.

Another problem with Oda is that he put Dazai on a pedestal like almost everyone else in the mafia (exceptions are Chuuya and Ango for sure).

"No matter what he did, Dazai seemed to reach heights that normal people couldn’t."

The difference between Odasaku and the rest of the mafia is that Dazai greatly admired Odasaku. He admired his belief system and resolve. That’s why I think it’s so sad that Oda didn’t really understand Dazai, because Dazai took Oda’s word as gospel.

There’s one last quote from the prologue that I want to talk about:

"We had a saying in the Port Mafia: 'The greatest misfortune for Dazai’s enemies is that they are Dazai’s enemies.' If he wanted to, he could even have a picnic in the middle of a firefight. Dazai was practically born to be in the Mafia."

This is the first case where I think it’s clear that Oda has a fundamental misunderstanding of Dazai.

Dazai was not born to be in the mafia. He was groomed to be in mafia by Mori. Mori picked him because he was an extremely intelligent, yet directionless child. I think we all spend so much time thinking of Dazai as a puppet master that we forget that he is also capable of being manipulated himself.

Dazai is eighteen during the Dark Era. Eighteen. He’s a teenager. He’s not a mastermind. He’s a lost kid in desperate need of guidance. He spent four incredibly formative years of his life suffering under Mori’s thumb (One before officially joining the mafia, three after). Odasaku was Dazai’s hope, someone he could look to instead of Mori. He wanted to be like him so badly.

Part B: Something to Live For

“Odasaku…,” Dazai said softly. “Forgive me for the absurd wording, but—don’t go. Find something to rely on. Expect good things to happen from here on out. There’s gotta be something…”

Yeah, you read that right. Dazai just presented an optimistic outlook on life.

He’s speaking to someone who has just lost his main purpose in being in the mafia, taking care of those orphans. Yet, he’s begging him to find a new reason to live anyway.

Part C: Last Words

That brings me to Odasaku’s final moments.

“‘You won’t find it,’ Odasaku said in almost a whisper. Dazai stared at him. ‘You should know that. Whether you’re on the side that takes lives or the side that saves them, nothing beyond your own expectations will happen. Nothing in this world can fill the hole that is your loneliness. You will wander the darkness for eternity.’”

Okay, so, Odasaku is right that Dazai won’t find purpose in the darkness, but he’s wrong about why. Dazai is not an empty person incapable of happiness. Even though Dazai thinks this means that Odasaku understood him well, we can’t forget that Dazai doesn’t really understand himself. His feelings. His mind. Dazai genuinely believes that nothing can make him happy, but he’s wrong and the consequences to Oda’s words are huge.

Now, Dazai thinks he’s a villain pretending to be hero. He thinks he’s inherently empty. WHICH IS WRONG.

Think about why Dazai went to Oda’s side in the first place. Because Oda was his friend. Dazai put his personal feelings first in that situation, and he does that more often than people tend to notice. He’s actually motivated by emotions a lot.

During Storm Bringer, Dazai basically moves Heaven and Earth to stop Verlaine and keep Chuuya in the mafia.

“‘I joined the Mafia because of an expectation I had. I thought if I was close to death and violence—close to people giving in to their urges and desires, then I would be able to see the inner nature of humankind up close. I thought if I did that…’ Dazai paused before continuing, ‘…I would be able to find something—a reason to live.’”

We have to remember who prompted Dazai to think that, Chuuya. An idea born from Dazai’s relationship to another person, not the idea itself, was what made him join the mafia.

Ranpo is definitely autistic coded, but so is Dazai. Since No Longer Human was extremely influential on BSD, and that novel has a lot of autobiographical elements in it, it makes sense that Dazai seems autistic. After reading No Longer Human myself, I really do think that Osamu Dazai (the author) was autistic. Yōzō’s (the protagonist of No Longer Human) behavior is very autistic. I mean, at one point, he describes masking verbatim.

I’m mentioning this because I think that what Dazai hopes to understand is not a reason to live itself, but other people’s motivation to live. It’s an extension of the very autistic feeling of alienation from other people. Dazai thinks there’s something wrong with him because despite caring about other people a lot, he has trouble understanding their illogical behavior. He also struggles to understand his own illogical behavior.

I also think this is why Oda struggles to understand Dazai. Because people who aren’t autistic usually struggle to understand autism. Autistic people often get profiled as ‘sociopaths’ (an outdated term that refers to Antisocial Personality Disorder) and are seen as emotionless monsters.

Dazai distances himself from other people as a defense mechanism. In his own words, “I always lose the things I don’t want to lose the most. That’s why I don’t feel anything anymore. The moment you get your hands on something worth going after, you lose it. That’s just how things are. There is nothing worth pursuing at the cost of prolonging a life of suffering.” I think that indicates that he cares very much about the people in his life, but that he also lives in constant fear of losing them.

Conclusion

I don’t know how well I articulated any of this (I’m neurodivergent, can you tell?), but my point is that Odasaku took a lot about Dazai at face value, instead of trying to peel back the layers and understand him as a person. He ended up dehumanizing Dazai a bit in the process.

Dazai is far from perfect, but he’s also not inhuman.

I think about this quote from Atsushi a lot, “People need to be told they’re worthy of being alive by someone else or they can’t go on.” Like, what would have happened if someone told Dazai his life was worth living even without some grand purpose?

[nightcolorz]

Have been actually shocked by the takes of Louis and Armand’s relationship dynamic that I have been seeing in which people act like Armand’s subservience is manipulative and evil.

As someone who was also a victim of grooming in my youth (though obvs not like Armand level of traumatic events bc good lord that boy cannot catch a break) I always found Armand to be a really compelling character, and I loved how they were handling the psychological impact of his abuse on his relationships within the show and they all felt very relatable to a degree. I was like mind blown by the way they handled how Louis and Armand’s pasts related to each others and thought it was super clever and it made me go “holy shit” in a way that a tv show hasn’t made me go in a long time. Though I can see where some of the takes are coming from, it has been really disheartening as a victim of grooming to see people dismiss Armand’s behavior when he’s with Louis as purely a form of manipulation on Armand’s part or a fun silly sex thing 😭😭😭

YES ANON FR!!! also very disheartening and genuinely offensive to me how some ppl talk about Armand and his trauma (also am a victim of grooming lol). I’ve talked about this before, but the way ppl r saying with their full chests that Armand is being manipulative in his trauma responses is like actually fucked up, and it’s low key triggering to me 😭. Just bcus armand manipulates ppl doesn’t mean he is *always* manipulating ppl omfg 💀💀 some nuance pls I beg of u.

to me it seems very clear that Armand falls into subservience and behaves as the victim bcus the abuse he experienced was the closest he ever felt to feeling like he understood what he was doing and understood what he was needed for. For a lot of victims of grooming their abuse can cause them to feel safe in those types of abusive dynamics bcus it’s familiar to them, which def seems to be how it is for Armand. Armand feels constantly lost and confused and by being a slave again he returns to a time where he knew what he was, when he had someone there to tell him what he was. And it comes off very clearly to me that Louis sees this in Armand when Armand tells him about his trauma and (as he’s also in a vulnerable position) realizes that he can use Armand’s pattern of submitting to servitude to his advantage. Which!!! That is objectively fucked up im sorry 😭 and I’m tired of being in a fandom where ppl r acting like just bcus Louis is a likeable sympathetic character and Armand does mistreat Louis also, that means Louis isn’t capable of mistreating Armand. Bcus it sounds like when ppl make those excuses that they r saying sexual exploitation like that is ok 😭. Just bcus Armand agrees to and participates in it doesn’t mean Louis isn’t knowingly exploiting the trauma of a vulnerable person 😭 and it doesn’t make it ok. Like we can find it fun and sexy, but the “face down in the coffin” scene was still borderline non con sensual 😭 yknow what I’m saying? You can like Louis as ur fav and discuss how Armand is shitty to him without acting like it’s ok for Louis to pretend to be Armand’s abuser as he orders him around like an animal so he’ll do what he wants. This is an incredibly complex dynamic with two very fucked up characters who hurt and abuse each other out of fear, and some of u can’t handle that nuance 😭.

and I understand not being able to grasp the nuance of Armand’s character, it took me like a year to fully wrap my head around him. He’s got a lot going on and it’s hard to understand why he behaves the way he does, especially if you haven’t experienced sexual trauma or grooming. But just like, y’all have to remember that it can come off as pretty shitty and bad faith to interpret a character like this as always being evil all the time. Ur reducing someone very complex and ur making some borderline offensive (also borderline racist but that’s a different rant) implications

thank u sm for the ask anon ur so right and I relate so hard to ur annoyances ❤️❤️

[prentissluvr]

sammy brain rot hours:

feminism leaves my body when i look at sam winchester,, wanna be a good lil housewife for him (!!!) (like im their bobby yk? mostly doing research from the bunker, joining on hunts occassionally) welcome him home with a kiss and home cooked meals (idk how to cook proper food) and and and bombard him with love and force him to take a day’s break after each hunt ,, cuddle him , go with him on walks (god pls) ,, listen to his nerd talk

i deserve it 😭

thank u for listening to me yap

-mwuah 💋

GIRL YOU ARE SO TRUE FOR THIS AND I MEAN THAT !!! i love this for you actually, like this is facts of you to say and it's so valid and yeah! i think that's the real stuff. and like there's actually so so much merit to that kind of thing, like bro research is so hard imo HAHA so you'd be so strong for that. and yeah who's to say you can be a badass hunter when you want to be! but like bro i think it'd be nice not to have to do all that travel and hard physical labor of yk killing stuff and almost getting killed. and then yeah!! that means you're likely far more well rested than sammy when he gets home which means that you can take care of him hehehehe.

like him being greeted with a kiss from you after a long drive is just so beyond amazing for him, it's so comforting and relaxing and lord knows that he needs and deserves that. plus you have food from him that's not from a diner?? this must be the real heaven for him. like i also cannot cook for the life of me, but mans loves salad! you could just makes him a simple salad and he'd be so delighted because it has freshly cut apples, his favorite dressing, and non-soggy greens! like how amazing is that! genuinely you could makes the simplest of things (which is the only thing that i personally am capable of LOL) and he'd just be so delighted <3 like anything homemade is such a rarity for him and it's genuinely actually something really really special to him when you make him food and now i'm getting all soft and emotional about the fact that sam's barely had that sort of thing in his life. for some people hand made food is an indicator of home, and we all know that sam has never really had that. anyways crying because you just make the bunker somewhere infinitely better to come back to purely with your presence. on top of that, you make him salads and kiss him sweetly and you make him lay in bed and let him cuddle you to his heart's content. like truly you're such a comfort to him i can't :,)

and walks!! oh god i literally was thinking about how much sam would love love love to go on walks with his partner, genuinely. he loves the fresh air under a circumstance so domestic and normal and it's made a million times better by you. your hand in his makes him feel so calm and it gives him those little pieces of normalcy that he craves, no matter the fact that he'll always choose this life. you give him balance and something pure and good to come home to. and ahhhh yes the nerd talk <333 i'm making heart eyes right now for real. he feels so so so grateful for someone to talk to about all these little random facts of knowledge that he has floating around in his head! in instead of shutting him down or calling him a nerd (well, sometimes you do but it's done so lovingly that he doesn't care) you actually will listen, and even ask him follow up questions! he's just so excited to share things with you <33

argh i love him so bad and i thank you for sending this ask, i'm always so so happy to listen to your yapping hehe i love it <33 but you so got my thoughts flowing so ty for that hehe <33 love it sm fr <33

[kolbalissh]

i am overstimulated and overwhelmed im feeling 900 emotions BUT this race needs a debrief - as well as the fact that i just watched barca win 5-1, with gavi coming back as a captain im feeling ALL emotions at the same time

well obviously, that was a joke of a fucking penalty - max can push him off in turn 1 and turn 55 but get no repercussions (maFIA for a reason) and its LANDO who gets a 5 second penalty because max somehow thinks he's entitled to the position being given back to him??? bro??

max is a great driver, im NOT anti max or anything thats just childish (a certain hatebase wont understand) but its shit like this is what ruins his reputation, like you do not need the stewards on your side to get a podium, you are simply capable of it as a driver - thats why its so childish to see him literally complain on radio about 'he needs to give the position back' - god forbid a driver actually races 😻

i got a bone to pick with oscar too, boy you are on my last nerve - he is nowhere near being a number 2 driver, but that doesn't mean he's qualified to be a number 1 driver either, he is simply not experienced enough and thats a fact, letting charles just go through instead of defending not only your own p2, but landos lead is such a bum move because we all know how good you can defend, and that too against leclerc

lando has played the team card every time, even in baku holding off max, but you cant even bother to keep charles off thats such bullshit - like i get it, you dont wanna play the number 2 driver but you ARE and thats not changing, and yes you and lando are much closer in terms of skill but even then you have to play by the team rules, especially when needed

am i saying that lando deserved P1 today? no, leclerc was phenomenal with how he pulled that off at the beginning and thats a well deserved win even if im not a charles fan by a mile like i just dgaf about him like that BUT i at least have the decency to recognise hard work where its due , and he did that (tyre management goes crazy) - but lando worked hard too, and it was simply robbed off of him and that fucking blows

man the only thing good was george and his amazing pull to p6 unbothered king energy and carlos and his crazy weekend finishing off strong with a p2, im so proud of u chilli love you so much

its usually silly to say 'oh he deserved better' when it comes to sport especially races, because its not about what you deserve but what you are capable of, so it genuinely sucks because lando did show he was capable and yet it was taken away from him, he actually deserved better today

okay enough ranting i can breathe a little now

[narcoticwriter]

I Have A Mouth And I Will Scream With It. (The Second Installment)

The first one.

You know, you would think that me complaining about something would have something done about it, but as the sole torch in the darkness, I alone am alight and it is not nearly enough. So I can only declare into the void of character design and lack of common sense once again:

It still makes no fucking sense how the tall Genshin women have heels.

After Fontaine and now Natlan, I can only crumple to my knees and weep. Lament, even. Why, Hoyoverse? Why are you averse to sensible footwear? Surely you're all competent enough to put boots on the characters where boots are warranted if not required? Amber exists, for crying out loud! You can make it work!

Every single character here is qualified for a full display of clownery and no exceptions can be made.

Insanity -

Navia: Demoiselle, forget the ten-meter hat that you wanted to commission, you cannot be serious about your footwear. And no, you cannot just make your employees carry you. I know that Silver and Melus would do it without hesitation, but they're not here to do that anymore and you have to stand on your own two, heeled feet. And be honest folks, do you really think that Navia's not the type to twist and sprain her ankle in a moment of hasty stepping? If anything, commission Chiori for stylish footwear that makes sense, she could probably do it for you for a discount, too.

Clorinde: You're expecting me to believe that this woman actually goes hunting in those damn things? Seriously? I know that she's capable of a lot of physical feats, but this being one of them is a stretch to even my imagination, skirt aside. Not only would this require a profound sense of balance and spatial awareness, but it would also see Clorinde as a genuine class unto herself and while she is already, I'm not inclined to see that extend to her feet. But hey, that work-life balance isn't for nothing! She can actually rest her feet if she gets a moment to herself at least!

Xianyun: I don't care how old you are, how often you're not in that form, or how specialized your entire hobby is, those heels are unnecessary. It would genuinely look better if you had flats on. Yes, yes, I know that she's a crane and all and that heels would make sense, but you think her legs aren't long enough already?

Arlecchino: She killed a man with those shoes and I had to fight to not projectile vomit when I saw it happen. She's full of nuance, complications, and contradicting beliefs, a decent character overall story-wise, but for this, she sickens me. If I say anything more, I may lose my mind.

Xilonen: I want to cry. Genuinely. Stilettos? "But Narky, she skates-" I'm not talking about her skates, I'm talking about her phlogiston-adhesive stilettos and I hate them. Hoyoverse, she's a laid-back jaguar gal who won't move if she can help it and would rather lounge around on her free time, put her in some fucking sandals if not the pair of fluffy slippers that she deserves.

Chasca: I know that some people have a bone to pick with her design-wise, but I don't care about that right now. I care about what's on her feet and what are on her feet are abhorrent. The only peace she's keeping isn't mine but everyone who has been on the receiving end of her fists. Hell, she's probably used her heels to keep the peace at some point.

Mavuika: Unironically, her entire fit would look better if she just had regular shoes on. Like, you can keep the basic look of the heels, but if they were more akin to boots with some defined soles, it could have gone hard. But alas, Hoyoverse has a quota to meet and genuinely good designs for footwear be damned. And please note that I have not gone into how an Archon of war has heels. Be for real, devs. Be for fucking real.

Bonus:

Skirk: If I had heels for feet, I would have chopped them off. That is all.

Conclusion: I have the opposite of a foot kink and I don't know what that means nor do I want to find out.

[mamawasatesttube]

Reread Midnight Sun and I love that you write TimKon as competent characters.

My favorite fics are hurt/comfort but that genre of fic tends to “woobify” them into wet noodles, specifically Tim. You write him going through it without taking away that he is competent and doesn’t cry at every little thing.

Also your love for Kon is clear in the way you write him like the badass he is and thank you for carrying the Kon tag on your back. I hope you feel better soon! Sending well wishes <3

wahoo thank you for rereading!!! always the highest compliment ♥

and YEAH. i love hurt/comfort but i don't care for woobification or declawing or whatever - i want to read about competent characters genuinely trying their hardest and doing their best in insurmountably challenging situations, not about a wet pathetic paper bag who constantly makes bad decisions and isn't capable of doing anything on their own. (like, the occasional bad decisions and needing help are good! when it's all the character does i just kinda start hating the character.) so i hear you Loud And Clear!!!

tim especially is like. he's soooo... not any of the wet wooby Whatever The Fuck is going on in the tim drake tag. he's repressed as hell and really good at putting his feelings on the top shelf to deal with Later, whenever he's in a situation. frankly, writing midnight sun with the prompts "it's okay, they won't touch you again" and "i'm going to pick you up now, okay?" was actively a challenge, because i was like what the hell would actually make tim "repression" drake so panicked that kon would need to be that gentle with him???? and the answer of course was "being drugged and therefore unable to trust his body to do what his mind wants" because he's a control freak, but like... it takes special circumstances to freak him out, man.

and YESSS kon being badass and competent is very important to me. i am forever jumping up and down and yelling about sb94 #84 and #87-90 and just. aough. he's silly and goofy but also ttk goes hard as hell!!! and he gets knocked around when fighting superpowered opponents but against regular dudes with guns??? oh they are sooooooooo outclassed. (this is also inspired by the superman issue mentioned in the authors notes, where superman shows up in gotham and just fucking obliterates some guys. ruins their whole MONTH if not YEAR. really funny tho)

and wauhh thank you!!! i have yet another doctors appointment tomorrow so 💪 we shall persevere!!!

[dawn-sunlight]

A New Way To Go Analysis

I believe A New Way To Go is the best Lion Guard song because absolutely everyone brought their A game while making it. The visuals are amazing, the tune is catchy, but I think the best thing about the song is how well it illustrates exactly what's going through Janja's head. There's so much character work you can glean from the song and that's what's so good about it.

“Why am I so confused?  It all used to be so simple.” - Jasiri has completely upset the status quo for Janja; she doesn’t fit in his worldview because she’s a strong, capable hyena who follows the Circle of Life, is friends with a lion(the leader of the Lion Guard no less), and has saved him from death twice now despite being on the opposite side as him, and he can’t ignore his growing feeling that maybe everything he’s known all his life is actually wrong. He didn’t know there was another way, he genuinely thought he had to act like this, but now that Jasiri has offered him another way, he can’t get himself to just forget about it and carry on like normal.

“What changed?  Think!” - He didn’t used to have these doubts, and he’s trying to figure out what’s different now.  He’s trying to figure out and understand what has changed significantly enough to make him question his life and his beliefs like this.

“Jasiri doesn’t fear me she’s been saving my hide!” - He wants to be seen as this tough and intimidating figure, and at first it bugs him that Jasiri isn’t intimidated by him as seen in Never Judge a Hyena by It’s Spots, but now it just confuses him.  And on top of that, she saves him, not just once but twice, despite being on the opposite side as him.

“I know she buys the whole ‘Circle of Life’” - The choice of words here(he says Jasiri “buys” the concept rather than she follows it or respects it or something like that) implies that Janja thought the concept was literally made up and not real, which I do believe is a different case than someone who knows the concept is real and still decides they want more than their fair share.

“I mean, Si Si Ni Sawa’s kinda catchy all right.” - He’s trying to justify to himself why he’s been thinking about what Jasiri said so much.  Also, this song confirms he saw at least the last verse of Si Si Ni Sawa because 1. He knows the chorus to the song despite having never having been sung it, 2. He knows Jasiri sung it to Kion, and 3. He imitates the thing Kion and Jasiri did at the end of the song in his last verse of the chorus.

“He’d never give me something a hyena couldn’t handle, would he?” - Janja's trying really hard to rationalize Scar's behavior and treatment of him and his clan, but his faith in Scar is starting to waver. In the visuals, we see Scar with his master plan, and then we see Janja, Cheezi, and Chungu holding the ground up for him because they’re doing the heavy lifting for Scar.  But when Janja asks “would he?” indicating that he no longer has complete and total faith in Scar, the whole thing crashes down.

This shot right here is beautiful, it really just sums up the whole song in one singular frame.

“‘Si si ni sawa’ means ‘we’re the same’” “Oh no!  It set something off inside my brain!” - Janja hates that Jasiri’s words make sense to him, and he hates that they’re resonating with him even more.

“She says I can trust her but I don’t know, could there really be a new way to go?” - Janja genuinely doesn’t know any better and that’s why he acts the way he does.

“It’s like I’d rather be happy then scrapping for food or respect ugh what’s happening?” - I think this is the line that gets me the most because it shows that Janja never considered his own feelings on things to be more important or even of equal importance than living up to expectations, and when he finally considers “maybe I’d be happier on the other side” he goes “this is ridiculous why am I thinking like this?”  To Janja, it didn’t matter what he actually wanted, because the way others saw him and getting food were more important than silly things like happiness.

“Maybe the stuff I thought was wrong was right! I think I like it but I’m still undecided how to choose, what to do!” - He’s torn between what he’s known all his life as the truth and what he’s “supposed” to do vs what his feelings are saying on the matter.

Since Jasiri told Kion they’re the same, if Janja accepts that what Jasiri says is true and Jasiri and him are the same, that means he also accepts that Kion and him are the same, and Janja knows this.  During the first chorus of A New Way to Go, Jasiri sings Si Si Ni Sawa to Janja, while in the second, she sings it to Kion.  While in the first instance Janja seems more worried about the fact that it resonated, in the second instance Janja seems more annoyed about this.  This and the fact that he crushes them with his paw during the second time indicates that he knows accepting what Jasiri said also means accepting that Kion and him are the same, and that’s something he really does not want to acknowledge.

One of the things the visuals of this song really show is that Janja clearly feels separated from the other side, even Jasiri, and doesn’t know if he really could switch sides because of the divide he feels.

The ending shot is very interesting because of this; while Janja still has his Outlander coloring, the Outlander spotlight is gone, making him still stick out but putting him in the same world as Jasiri and her hyenas, indicating that Janja has accepted what Jasiri is saying, even if only subconsciously.

Jasiri’s portrayal here vs The Worst Hyena We Know is pretty interesting, because in that song Jasiri is much more closed off to Janja.  She’s playful and somewhat flirty towards him, but still has a dismissive and “haha losers” attitude towards him and his hyenas.  Here however, she is a lot more sympathetic and open towards him.  She’s lost the snarky and dismissive attitude she had in The Worst Hyena We Know and is just playful now.  This is because before, Janja only had those kinds of experiences with Jasiri and probably thought Jasiri would push him off a cliff if given the chance(given the fact that he was surprised that she saved him from a horrible death via falling into lava I don’t think this is a crazy conclusion to come to), but now, he knows that’s very not true.

There's even this neat part here where you can parallel the two songs and see the difference