#nihil vents

[diduthinkihadforgotten]

every once in a while i get violently depressed over the fact that my life ended before it got to start.

i didn’t graduate high school due to early onset schizoaffective disorder. getting diagnosed caused me to be moved into special education classes in the last month of high school. i was short on graduating by exactly 1 chemistry class.

my mental illness is exacerbated by my physical illness, which i’ve had and known about since early childhood.

i’m in the process of getting SSDI, which, for me, means i’m not able to work an “actual” job. it’s only under the table work for the rest of my life.

i’m medically discouraged from learning to drive, so i can’t do shit like door dashing or instacart.

i feel kinda doomed to be a burden to my mother forever. i can’t help but feel like im disappointing everyone in my life by virtue of being disabled. i feel like i could’ve done so much more with my life. like i’m capable of doing more, although im simultaneously incapable.

sad.

[hamoodmood]

Albert Camus core

[nicheguides]

How to Distract Yourself from your Quest for Purpose

looking for purpose is hard! harder than you realized… maybe give it a break, just for a bit~

[lilhumbleloser]

Tired of everything being the fucking same

[dougielombax]

I’ve noticed something.

Something troubling.

Far too many IDIOTS in my own country think that this is it.

The proverbial It.

The end.

As in the Final End.

That human history and mankind will end in the next 25 to 100 years and that there is nothing we can do.

This is NOT so!

But!

They are so convinced that this is true, as if it were some predestined cosmic fate for us! And that we “deserve” it.

They make it sound as if they’re looking FORWARD to it! The stupid geese!

As if they want us to stop making the world a better, safer, place for everyone and everything, instead they think we ought to just lay down and DIE!

Perish the thought!

Disgusting, fatalistic bullshit!

Stupid, senile, Calvinist-minded, defeatist HOGWASH!!!!!

I am BEYOND sick of it!

The least we can do is DEMAND better.

Starting YESTERDAY!

I’m sick of this fatalistic, cowardly, nihilistic doomerist BULLSHIT!!!!

[some-murmurings]

somewhere along the way, a whole lot of people concluded that "metaphor" meant "false" and "illusion" meant "lie"

furries are not animals. they are humans. you can tell because, first of all, they are made of the same people meat everyone else is. not a flawlessly deductive argument, no, but a very robust induction nonetheless.

furries are not humans. they are animals. you can tell because, first of all, they will tell you that. at great length. repeatedly. bc we are all autistic. not a flawlessly deductive argument, no, but a very robust induction nonetheless.

being a furry is, as the eminent philosopher Patricia Taxxon (@patricia-taxxon) defined it, a concession to the symbolic and the sensory. humans are already mammals, that some of us find more of ourselves in fur than skin is not news.

Traumagenic, Endogenic, & whatever-a-tulpa-is-genic systems both are and are not multiple people in one body. We are a body experiencing consciousness in a non-singular way. We are reality viewing itself through a kaleidoscopic fractal fraction of the infinitely fractal kaleidoscope that is human experience. That we see more of ourselves in a group than an individual is not news either.

God is not real. God is also real. God is a metaphor. Maybe. God tends to elude definition, a defining tendency itself, if you wanna try & wrap your already aching brain around THAT.

That furrydom, systemhood, and theology are all metaphorical and illusory is not a reduction of their truth but instead are their nature. Life is metaphorical and illusory. Motion is a logical inconsistency. Plato, the stupidest man to ever live (other than every other person), said that time itself was "the motion of eternity." He was talking about clouds passing in front of the sun. He was also right. For once. The metaphor and the illusion ARE the truth of it. Samsara take us all, Brahman ur Atman, man, no one else can do it for you.

Every paradox I've mentioned is solved by shutting the fuck up and being kinder. Listen. Speak. Agree. Disagree. Love. Hate. they're all the same and completely different.

In my experience, hope is just despair after a shower, death just rot becoming regrowth. calling my metaphor a metaphor derogatorily does nothing but make you look like a dumb asshole. calling your own metaphor not a metaphor has the exact same effect.

[0vergrowngraveyard]

failed my november writing goal so hard it’s not even funny

[asexuwales]

i dont know who i am

what is my identity

i like lots of things

i also dont like alot of things and i know what they all are

i appreciate some things but sometimes they dont really hit the same when i actively think about them

like shadows and such

they seem so pointless out of context

idek who im trying to be

well

im trying to be someone with a sense of self

but as a nihilist it doesnt work out too much

people say im not a nihilist because i have a job i want to do and hobbies

nihilists dont just sit around doing nothing we do get bored

but how we would love to

there isnt a point to anything

maybe were big thinkers who see too much outside of the big picture

whats the point in spending so much time earning money when it was just a system set up because we accidentally discovered fire

if you dont comply to the government in anyway the only way is jail

maybe jail is a nihilists endgame

i wouldnt mind being in jail

but other parts of me are relieved that ive finally found somewhere to belong

my insides clash i guess

growing up without a stable base or stable reliable people in my life leads me to want to find a home

but my personality wants to just give up because life is so fucking boring anyways

so why dont i give up its supposed to be the easy way out

but it really isnt

the paperwork

the possesions

the relationships

having to change my stable base again

japan has become the longest stable place ive ever had

which is crazy to think about

the longest ive ever stayed in one place is like 2 years

the dragon was 5 years but i changed house and people like every 2 years

even before i started boarding we didnt stay in a house longer than 2 years

but why do i desire a stable place to stay

was it really that awful

because i didnt notice it was awful

it was just life

idk how it would have affected me

this stupid sense of self affects every part of my life and my work

the problem i have with literally everything stems back to who am i

i really dont know who i am

its messing me up

i dont know how to find out who i am when i already know what i like and what i dont like

what am i missing

i really feel like im missing something

its not as simple as what i like and what i dont like

theres something else

that everyone else seems to have no trouble understanding

i really need help with that

but i dont know how to work around to that because everyone always stops at what i like and what i dont like

what other parts are there to me as a person

what creates a personality

INTP

im introverted i get my energy from being alone

im intuitive i activley search for new things and enjoying changing my opinion and evolving

im a thinker i make decisions logically and analyse things before i feel them

im a perciever im more random and spontaneous

but that doesnt tell me anything i dont already know

if i enjoy learning things why am i a nihilist

who do i think of myself as a nihilist if i constantly want reasons and answers

WHAT THE FUCK AM I MISSING

when i talk about my likes i dont actually like them

but when i see them i like them but i think about how i dont like them when talking about them

that doesnt include my interests

specifically naruto ive never been bored talking about naruto

what music do i like

all music music is better than no music no matter what it is

what movies do i like

dead poets society

which is crazy but its a movie about optimism

i know i dont like romance

unless i do

then i do like romance

a very specific lack of fluff but not toxic kind of romance

i wear tshirts and baggy trousers

i dont wear skinny trousers because theyre uncomfy to sit in

that's probably because they dont fir properly

but i dont have the money for properly fitting skinny trousers

they gotta have a stretch

i lie about alot of things

i paint myself as not a lier

but i really am a chronic lier

lying gives me a sense of security i think

i can control what others perceive me as

but i dont want others perceiving me

do i want control

i know people find me annoying but thats been so oversaturated in my life that i really dgaf anymore

everyone finds me annoying and theres nothing i can do about that

i like the dark

idk how to talk about things deeply

im so surface level

so why do i do therapy

i feel like i have nothing deep to talk about

because im so surface level

so why am i like this

i wish other poeple would try to understand me as much as i understand them

if im surface level why do people not understand me

maybe my worst fear is that im making all this shit to be way bigger than it actually is and that im just a normal person with some sort of victim complex

just sick and tired of life i just wanna lay down and never wake up again

i wont be losing anything when i die

[siddhxartha]

You ever felt like you really just didn’t belong?

You ever feel even alienated to your very own past?

You ever feel the darkened emptiness of the horizon just by looking into yourself?

You ever grasped the deepened blue sky as if it were only illusion?

Do you ever exist?

Somewhere deep in these mechanisms where even the cold resists to linger.

Something unreal that even challenges your very own humanity.

Somehow standing in the darkness the emotionless robot that is the reflection in the mirror.

Ancestry of mystery encoded in the microscopic ecosystem of our bodies.

Inheritance of electronic signals in the brain enslaved to repeat generational patterns.

Folkstories of delusion whispering in the ears of your self diagnosed psychosis.

Emerging out of the flame not as gold, but as burns and scars that scream of trauma.

Rebirth as a being not of light nor dark, but as a wavelength without form.

An afterlife of vibration, formless form like the solution to a paradox.

Return to infinity as your ashes scatter across the subspace of reality.

Escape the cycle.

Breathe backwards.

9/16/2024 6:08am

[a-scattering-of-stars]

Never did I once think that I'd relate to Frankenstein's monster of all creatures but. I too am hopelessly lonely. I too find my words and intentions taken out of context and used against me. I too am spurned by my creators. I too terrify people. I too am tired of this cruel life.

I feel like a mess of boby parts that are not my own, a collection of mismatched fragments that constantly wage war against each other.

Perhaps I'm cursed to live as a corpse that longs for a taste of life. I was built to be a puppet, a pretty doll, and here I am, rebelling against the puppeteer.

[golden-letters]

it is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury / signifying nothing.

[diduthinkihadforgotten]

my sleep has been so entirely fucked lately. there’s no poem here even if you look for it. my meds aren’t sedating anymore (boooo) so i’m really just up until the sun comes up. when i slept yesterday, it was 7 am til 10:30 am. that was it. that was all the sleep i’ve gotten. somehow not tired. somehow still thriving. or trying to. (you’d be proud. and a little irritated, probably. still miss you, by the way.)

[neuroticboyfriend]

if we die in the end and there's nothing after, feels like there really is no grand point to living. but that would also mean the same for dying. it's all just about when it ends and what happens before that. it could end tonight. it could end tomorrow. it could end years or decades from now. fuck if i know. at this point, i'm just here because death only happens once. here for the ride, even though i still wanna cut things short. guess that's good enough.

[lilhumbleloser]

Waiting for the day I finally understand it all.

[dougielombax]

Yeah.

If you could at least be normal about other religions while calling out extremists and fundamentalists in one or more of the other religions, that would be great. Thanks.

Yeah.

All well and good to call it out but if you follow that shit up with a tract of your own Paisleyite bigotry then you aren’t helping anyone.

I’ve seen it many times.

The same is true for atheists.

Nobody wants to hear nihilistic atheist bullshit in response to posts about religious extremism.

That shit isn’t some universalist ultimate answer like they might think it is.

I’m not assuming they’re all nihilists btw, I’ve just encountered a good few who act this way.

I’m aware it’s not always the case regardless.

[cut-n-snared]

i'm so small, this world is so small, everything i know and hate is so small

somewhere out there really really far away on another planet there's probably some weird alien species with a different language doing shit not knowing we exist

and they're fine not knowing we exist

so i think i'm fine not knowing we exist either