#nightly thoughts

[audreyandromedablog]

Whenever I say goodbye to someone, there's always a part of me hoping we end up with each other in another timeline. It burns a hole in my heart to pass someone that had deeply cherished me only to find out that in this life, we are not meant to last.

[acelynnfisher]

it’s 2 am and i want to be lying next to you,

with our hands locked together

and our legs intertwined.

i want your face buried in my neck,

and i want to listen to your breathing.

i want you to wake up and tell me

“i’m so tired”

so i can whisper back

“go back to sleep”

and i want to hold you tighter when you do.

i want to lie in bed alone with you

in the comforting quiet of the morning hours,

and maybe read a book while you sleep.

i want to be simple with you,

and i want to be whatever you need me to be.

[ghduck]

What are you guys up to tonight?

For example, I'm busy destroying my eardrums with loud music.

[lillxart]

You think Mikael cries himself to sleep at night because he can't get any bitches?

[catherinekal]

Just some musings on my place in the trans community and why it's hard for me to relate to a lot of what I see. Specifically the online trans community on here and in discords from years ago.

I think I've figured out that I relate more to the woman then the trans part of transwoman if that makes sense? When I did finally figure out I was trans after experimenting with being genderfluid it just made me realize that yeah, I'm in the wrong body, I need to be a cis woman. Long time later once I was actually able to safely get hormones I began that process, as small as that beginning is in this long uphill road.

There's just a lot this community takes seriously or focuses on that I just don't. For me being trans is a call to action. I know what I am, so now I need to transition. It's in the name itself. I was born in a guys body and I have to do what I can to reverse and change that because dysphoria fucking sucks! It's not fun and shitty and I hate how I had to wait this long to start this process. I stare at my shitty receding hair and am throwing what pills I can to stop it, and it's not exactly a fun time. The process is the point though. I can't just wish it away and feel like a woman in this body.

A lot of stuff I see here and on other places care about trying to reinvent gender or piss cis people off or exist outside of whats considered norm and I just don't care about that. More power to you, but that's not what being trans is to me. It makes relating to a lot of people here hard. I just wanna transition and live a happy life as a woman, idk. I'm not out here to make anyone uncomfortable or be this symbol of rebellion or anything like that. In my ideal future I live in Europe with my wife with laser hair and bottom surgery done. Just a happy lesbian couple enjoying life with all the hard scary parts of transitioning behind me.

I guess I don't have this attachment to the identify of being trans that others here have. I don't own a trans flag. I don't own the shark plushie. I do have a little trans pin I wear to work if only so there's a chance a customer sees it and thinks it's neat. For the most part though being trans is more about actions I need to take then who I am. That's the downside with fun cute trans stereotypes, if you don't meet most of them then you feel like an outcast.

I want bottom surgery. I want laser hair removal over most of my body. I want to wear makeup and wear feminine clothes and be cute and voice train and stuff that goes beyond just taking hormones. I want to pass as a cis woman one day. Every so often I'll see a post of someone vilifying passing or going stealth and I don't get why. I get it's not something most can do, including me currently, but those that can aren't doing anything wrong, at all.

People get mad and say passing is just for cis validation and god, shut the fuck up. I want to pass because dysphoria kicks my ass and I would like to have one less reason to think of suicide. I currently can't because my money is better spent, not being spent, and saving for a move to Europe one day. When that's done though then yeah I'm going all in, getting on those waiting list for surgeries, and voice training with my wife, and fighting dysphoria the only way that works for me. I can't wish it away, I can't use willpower to make it not exist. If you can do those things then that's awesome, but I can't relate to that.

I don't care to make cis people comfortable anymore then uncomfortable. I'm doing this for myself.

[om-is-ok]

Reason why I love night time.

[hellen8v7]

He says ‘I love you’

But does he write a “poem” like Hannibal did?

[callmebisexuality]

I’d rather be bending over this counter…

[audreyandromedablog]

I want to scream the quiet love I have for you.

[acelynnfisher]

i can feel myself

getting sicker.

i can’t remember

what it feels like

to live.

[scarlet-sam-chaos]

do stars dream?

do you think their biggest wish might be to explode in a debacle so grand that some living being, somewhere, with civilisation will take note of it?

and considering the fact that we see the sky as it existed billions of years ago

do you think if we scream out our love for them as they are- that they need not burn to be noticed, that the bravery they have to merely shine is itself a wonder to us- do you think they would hear us?

or will we see the remnants of their existence before our voices cover the distance between?

[edit:]

IM SORRY I JUST REMEMBERED THAT SOUND CAN NOT TRAVEL THROUGH VACUUM

no wonder the stars feel so abandoned to the point of feeling the need to burn for the words of praise and affirmation they shall never recieve

[chaossinthemind]

~cHiLdHoOd~

I waited all my life to get here, What the hell did I sign up for?

As I blow the flames to cut the cake, I wished for a fucking manual

Take me back, take me back, to the kid who just turned 13

Who would laugh, make you laugh, now a days that’s just not like me

If I could go back in time to tell myself...

Life’s gonna be hard

Stay being a kid

Don’t grow up to fast

Cause this adulting ain’t shit

Lifes gonna be hard

But Some days will be good

And if tomorrow is not promised

enjoy your childhood.

I lay awake at night these days, thinking of what I could have been

It was much easier to day dream, When I thought I’d be president

Take me back, take me back to the stubborn girl who’s 16

Thinking that, thinking that, I had it figured out and complete

If I could go back in time and tell myself

Life’s gonna be hard

Stay being a kid

Don’t grow up to fast

Cause this adulting ain’t shit

Lifes gonna be hard

But Some days will be good

And if tomorrow is not promised

enjoy your childhood

~Leah

[dahliacirice]

I can’t fill the void today.

[jamal-quotes]

[ccspostagebox]

running off of like one sip of water and next to no sunlight in my room with LED lights being the only sustenance at the moment due to burnout so this might not make sense or whatevs but I was thinking about the heat death of the universe and with like how light is shown to be going fully around the earth and from what I can tell from just briefly skimming articles at 9pm, the universe will get darker from lack of light from stars burning out and things getting colder. So here's an idea; what if the heat death of the universe ended up happening in an au of oatd and dark + other night entities were the only one left to regulate the...day? night? idk what to call it. to regulate whatever little life would remain ig.

Guess they can't hate dark anymore if the only thing they can see now is it lol /j

vice versa, what if the sun just,, enveloped the earth and it was just constantly bright. For a while anyways. It'd be a bit doomed either way. One dude would have to be without his pairing other. You can't have a moon without a sun, just as you can't have photosynthesis without. honestly i'm not sure what the opposite of that would be. midnight cravings ig?

Lost the point but whatever. Point is that one would have to go without the other for a damn long while if either way happened, or hell they might not even be able to see the other again for god knows how long.

Anyways thx for reading <3

[hellen8v7]

I’m feeling like the time of year is coming that makes me want to rewatch Bridgerton S2.