#my therapist wants me to find 3-5 positive things about my day

[delicatel0v3]

i don't regret us but i kind of wish we had never happened

[xiaq]

Hello! x I’m really inspired by the way you start and complete projects and move onto the next and speak of your work and plans with such positivity and innate capability. If it’s okay to ask, I’m curious if the way of which you move in action comes naturally to you, or if you have any recommendations for how to interact with momentum and action? Thanks so much!

Hi! Thank you so very much. I actually deeply struggle with executive function/task paralysis. But when I was in grad school, my therapist gave me fantastic advice: keep the end goal in mind, but break big tasks into smaller pieces and then only focus on the next piece, and celebrate completing that piece.

Current example: I want to make a cool, intricately carved, dresser. That feels like a big task. But it can be broken into 10 steps. 1. find old dresser 2. sand 3. paint 4. glaze 5. make carving molds 6. paint carvings 7. glaze carvings 8. apply carvings 9. seal 10. new hardware

Right now, I'm only focusing on step 8. And that feels manageable and fun rather than overwhelming.

I do the same thing with my writing. I outline my books so I know the general plot and character development that needs to occur in each chapter. But I only focus on writing one chapter at a time. If I was thinking about everything I have left to write every time I sit down, I'd be paralyzed with the magnitude of work ahead. But just one chapter--where I already have solid working parameters––well, that feels like something I can accomplish in a few hours.

(Sometimes, depending on my mental health, I need to do this with simple day-to-day tasks. Like, "walk the dog" isn't a singular item. It becomes 1. Get dressed 2. put on shoes 3. put on Deacon's collar/leash 3. Walk to the park 4. walk home. But then as I mentally check each of those things off, I get a little surge of validation/pride in my accomplishment, as silly as that sounds.) (For certain projects, I'll even make myself a genuine physical chart and put stickers on it as I complete items.)

Anyway. I have no idea if that helps with other folks' approaches to momentum/action, but that's what makes my brain happy, anyway!

[cassandrasimplex]

Listen, when I say, as an abuse survivor, that Astarion's storyline is written with care, delicacy, and profound understanding: Since I completed it a few days ago, which I found incredibly cathartic and fulfilling due to points of commonality with the nature and causes of my CPTSD, I've been sleeping 7-8 hours a night straight through (instead of 3-5 at a time), my resting heart rate has dropped almost 10 beats per minute, I've had zero nightmares (based not just on what I remember but also on how much I move and talk in my sleep), and my fitness tracker wants to know what I've been doing different lately and whether I can keep it up.

I don't expect this change to be permanent or even long-lasting, but not even months of therapy at a time have ever had a positive effect so strong my tracker picked up on it. Not even when I was in crisis mode and only able to sleep 2 or 3 hours a day was therapy able to improve my sleep and my well-being so immediately. Astarion's storyline from finding Cazador's prisoners to the final confrontation, which took me a bit over an hour, did. If you want to count all the narrative build-up to that climax that gave it meaning, call it six weeks' investment for such a dramatic improvement.

The idea that trauma-aware roleplay can help people with PTSD and especially CPTSD find short-term peace and even a long-term improvement in overall functioning and mental health isn't new to me. I stumbled across it on my own, unguided, 30+ years ago. It's a bit newer to most therapists, but it's an approach used in experiential therapy and some related strategies and had been studied for much longer before its incorporation in such toolkits. But BG3 isn't being sold as therapy; it's being sold as a fun video game to play in one's free time.

The thing about CPTSD and recovery from abuse in general is that you have to practice new ways of reacting to the world. Therapies like cognitive behavior therapy focus on helping the patient replace old, maladaptive patterns of thinking that helped them survive a traumatic situation but hinder functioning in safer environments with intentionally-created ones that would have been too dangerous to practice in the traumatic environment but are healthier and more supportive outside it. These patterns have to be practiced, though; it's not enough to just correct yourself once with a more affirming statement and wait for results. You have to do it over and over until it becomes your new default. And results matter. If practicing the new behavior or thought results in the kind of negative outcome it would have prompted in the original abusive situation, the effect is that the old, maladaptive pattern is reinforced instead: "See? I knew acting that way would be too dangerous. I knew thinking that way would just be lying to myself. I already know what's best. The way I've always behaved in order to survive is what serves to keep me safe."

Which is why Astarion's storyline is both so effective and so astonishingly well done. Over and over, you get the chance to reassure him that your friendship is not merely a set of opportunistic transactions, that you don't want to control him, that you see him as a person rather than a puppet or a tool, that he can refuse to manage your feelings for you or even outright hurt your feelings without being "punished" for it. You can comment out loud to him when you catch him being manipulative and tell him that's not how your friendship works while still accepting and supporting him as a person, as a friend. You can make your friendship with him an environment completely opposite in nature to his relationship with his abuser. You can teach him -- and, if you need it, yourself -- what a safe environment looks like. And you can teach him that his abuser's behavior was successful in an environment created specifically to reserve all power for the abuser, but doesn't serve as well outside that situation, to encourage him to find healthier ways of dealing with the world than the ones that were modelled for him within that trauma. (Am I projecting? Of course I'm projecting; that's precisely what makes roleplay such an effective tool. It's a natural human tendency that can be used to advantage.)

And somewhere in your psyche, if you're a person who needs to hear all that as much as Astarion does, your mind is taking note: "How I thought the whole world works was wrong. Only that one little part of the world worked that way. The world is much bigger than the limited environment that hurt me. There are better ways to live and be." The parts of the brain where trauma plants its deepest roots can't tell the difference between play and reality, between past and present. They can't tell the difference between "I can make a safer environment for this person in front of me" and "I can go back in time and make a safer environment for the person I used to be." (That's why so many abuse survivors feel compelled to help other abuse survivors -- empathy, yes, and identification, but on a deeper level than that; we try to become the person who never showed up to help us.)

And if "this person in front of me" happens to be a fictional character, well, it can't really tell the difference between fiction and reality either -- especially when the fiction has a visible face and an audible voice and convincing expression in both.

I'm not in the slightest saying, "Go out and buy BG3 to fix yourself!" because using roleplay as therapy is far too highly personal and variable to expect consistent results from a script. There might be people whose trauma is reinforced by the same things that spoke so soothingly to mine. Larian is a video game company, not a therapist. But I can't get over the way a video game company for fuck's sake has created such a sensitive, tender, supportive story that it can even accidentally function this way. They didn't have to go so hard. They didn't have to lean so far into empathy. They didn't have to bring so much realism into it. They could have just told an interesting story. They did tell an interesting story -- but someone here decided they needed to tell it so well, so powerfully, that they were going to need to know exactly what living through events like those would do to a person, and how a friend would have to act to support that person in working toward happiness and health.

Well fucking done, Larian. Extremely well fucking done.

And although I can't reasonably expect the current effects to last, I can carry something lasting from here on; I can add "What would I say to Astarion right now?" to the list of questions I ask myself when triggered, when I realize I'm experiencing an implicit flashback. What would I say to Astarion? What would I say to a friend? What would I say to someone I care about who's been through the same things I have? What would I say to myself if I thought I deserved to be happy and free?

[oftlunarialmoon]

5 Super Fun Age Regression Self-Care Ideas! - Age Regression Series

Originally posted to www.onlyfunthings.org on January 14, 2019

Ciao lovelies! Today’s post is for all the age regressors out there that read OFT! (Hi yes, I see you, you are valid and amazing!). You all seemed to like my last two posts on Age Regression (my post on What Is Age Regression, and Age Regression Journaling) and I got a lot of positive feedback, so I wanted to make you all more content!

If you are confused about what Age Regression is please see this post (click me!) regarding what it is, myths about it, and some regressor’s personal opinions as to why they regress and use regression as a coping mechanism.

A short definition is: Age Regression is a coping mechanism used by some to help with trauma, anxiety, depression, PTSD, and other mental illness, and some just use it to cope with stress. During age regression a person’s headspace becomes regressed to a younger age. A person who is regressing may act younger and more carefree and may have more “Childish” interests. Simply, age regression is a coping mechanism.

I am not a therapist nor a licensed professional, any and all advice and information given on this coping mechanism comes from a variety of sources such as: testimonies from age regressors, personal experience, and personally knowing some people who age regress.

So now that all that is out of the way, let’s get into the self-care ideas!

#1- Coloring! Many people use coloring as a stress reliever, and I know of many, many age regressors who love to color! Coloring can be fun because you don’t have to draw from scratch, you can just focus on filling in blank space with beautiful color. You can find all sorts of kids coloring books on sale at dollar stores for $1! Dollar Tree has a bunch! You can also print your own coloring pages if you don’t like any coloring books at the store. You could even make a whole coloring book binder completely customized to your interests!

#2- Treat yourself to a little something! Whether you get yourself a blindbox toy, some candy, or even an ice cream cone, maybe take the time to get yourself a little something, because you totally deserve it!

#3- Have a small day! Has life been stressing you out? Have you been busy with work, school, and other stressful things? Well, if you have the time, maybe take a day to just be a kid! (AKA- let yourself regress!) Take the time to make a nice little day out of it. Maybe plan a small outing to the park or to the mall, or if you’re more comfortable, spend the day at home. If you stay at home, maybe lay out a blanket on your bed or on the floor, wherever you feel more comfy, and make a small space with your favorite toys, stuffed animals, and coloring book! 

#4- Blanket Fort! A great fun thing to do when you’re regressed that can be awesome for self-care is to build a blanket fort! You can use pillows and chairs and blankets and sheets to build the fort, and you could have stuffed animals guarding your fort! 

#5- Make yourself a sticker chart! We have a whole post explaining why Sticker Charts are Good for Your Mental Health! Make yourself a sticker chart with all your daily to-dos, and reward yourself when you fill up a row!

What do you think of these ideas? Let us know in the comments! And let me know if you want to see more content like this! I figured since our last age regression posts were so well-liked, I should make some more content like it!

Remember to Stay Awesome and Love Yourself!

[chaosduckies]

Friends In Small Places (Chapter 5)

It’s a short one this time, (At least I think it’s short-) but this is *technically* my contribution to Hug a Giant Day! (MADE IT WITH TWO HOURS TO SPARE HAHA) I hope you guys enjoy! No edits we post it like there’s no tomorrow >:3

Word Count: 2.5k

CW: Slight trauma (Barely mentioned)

It’s been about a week now. I had moved back into my dorm, I haven’t had any contact with Cas at all, which made me extremely worried. Then again, I don’t think he’d really like to see me like this. I mean, he was the one to break my leg. It wasn’t as bad as it has seemed though. I just had to stay in a cast. For a couple months. 

To be honest that wasn’t really the worst part about it. Everyone had heard the big news. “Shifter Attacks Company, Placed in Custody” And that was not at all what happened. No one was hurt except for me. And I was glad it stayed that way. But that never would have happened in the first place if they hadn’t lied to Cas about being able to see his family. He hadn’t attacked, he was just upset that he had been lied to. I was just happy they didn’t… do what they do to shifters who don’t listen. 

I sighed, sitting in my dorm room with my laptop out in front of me and my leg elevated on a plastic chair. They said it would help with the healing process, and I really wanted it to heal already. I had tried to make a visiting appointment with Cas, but they had refused to let me in. The doctors there had told me he isn’t allowed to see anyone until the company concludes that he’s harmless. I knew they still wouldn’t let him go, but I don’t find it fair at all. The one thing that did stay in my mind was that they would text or call me if I’m able to go see him. So now I waited anxiously almost everyday for the past week waiting for a phone call. 

Ryan and Chelsey had checked up on me almost everyday. They had asked what really happened and I told them, and apparently they were on my side. Ryan had told me the girl that he was paired up with, Haylee I think, was afraid of going to the company alone so Ryan always goes with her. Chelsey was a little confused at first but believed me. So now we’re basically questioning what the company really does to shifters. We’re they not allowed to say anything to their therapists about it? Or are they in on it too? We had no idea, only that something was desperately wrong with the system. 

My phone had started ringing, an unknown caller. I had thought it was just one of those scam calls, but then I remembered I was expecting a call from the hospital that had Cas in custody. I answered, keeping a calm composure. 

“Hello?” 

“Is this Liam Rover?” A woman’s voice was on the other hand. She sounded sweet, but there was just something else I couldn’t hint at. 

“Yes ma’am.” My heart nearly skipped a beat, stumbling around my room and grabbing a few things, shoving them into a small bag. 

“Casper is ready to see you now. You may come by for a visit.” It took my brain a while to think of a calm response. I have no idea why I was so excited to see Cas, but I just needed to make sure he was okay. The guilt was eating at me already. I should’ve tried harder. But I didn’t. 

“Th-thank you. I’ll be there in a little… if you wouldn’t mind telling Cas that?” My hand hesitated on the door handle, standing in an awkward position because of my crutches. I would at least like him to know I was coming beforehand. What if he didn’t want to see me? I did just let them take him over there without so much as a complaint. Wouldn’t he want to see his family before me anyways? Or were they still not letting him see them? The thing about his little brother stuck to me like glue. I have no idea what happened before I met Cas, but it was just… sad. 

I waited a while for a response, I guess she left to go tell him? I sighed quietly, the anxiety eating away at my chest. What if he didn’t want to see me? What would that mean for me? Would the company do something bad to Cas? No, they wouldn’t do anything. Not without an actual reason anyways. Cas hasn’t done anything wrong as far as I was concerned. 

“Cas wishes to tell you that he can’t wait.” She made her voice sound a little sweeter, and I could only hope I wouldn’t find him in a worse situation than a week ago. Maybe I could convince the people there to let him see his family? Or at least his little brother. They seemed attached to each other. 

“Oh well thank you.” I smiled in relief, opening my door and slowly making my way down the empty hall. I shoved my phone in my pocket when I stepped into the elevator, already excited to see Cas. We had lived together for a while, of course I wouldn’t want anything to happen to him. 

——————

When I had arrived at the hospital, it seemed as if all eyes were on me, painfully stabbing me in the back. I still continued to the front desk though, where a woman wearing reading glasses was reading out some kind of appointment to the person in front of me. When it was my turn, she looked shocked for a second, her eyes darting to the crutches and then back to the paper in front of her with a list of dates and times. 

“Liam?” She eyed me, giving an unsure face as she looked at the crutches. I nodded my head, biting my bottom lip. Why were they so focused on the crutches? I just broke my leg. Heck, it barely even hurt thanks to the adrenaline and going into shock. Except that I would be stuck like this for however long. 

“If you would follow me please?” She stepped out of the little office, opening up a door that led to a huge hallway that I was guessing led to all of the patients’ rooms. The further we had walked, the larger the hallways stretched upward, to where I couldn’t even being to dream of touching the ceiling. That made me wonder how it felt to be that tall. To see everything so small and microscopic. How does that make Cas feel? 

“If you wouldn’t mind me asking, why do you want to see someone who’s… partially handicapped you?” She put it the most respectful way she could, but it still hurt. I shrugged my shoulders, “Cause I know he didn’t mean it. Cas is actually really nice once you get over the fear, so um, I’d just like to see how he’s doing.” She looked at me, a little shocked, but otherwise opened the door where Cas was supposedly held in. From what I’ve heard they aren’t allowed to talk to the other patients in this hospital. I had no idea why, but it must’ve been lonely for him all this time. 

I slowly walked in, finding him slouched up against the wall, sitting on a pillow and reading a book. The door behind me silently closed as I stood in place, my heart falling. Cas looks physically fine. There weren’t any scars or marks on him, but I could tell something was wrong. The slight bags under his eyes, the way he didn’t have the same small smile he had always tried to keep on while he was with me. 

His eyes darted to the door, eyes setting on me for a while before he sucked in a shaky breath, “H-hi.” His voice slightly cracked, like he wanted to do something but stopped himself. Cas placed the book down slowly and lightly, studying my tiny figure, and cringing away when he saw my leg. I smiled up at him, “I’m fine. It’ll heal.” I kicked it out slowly to make sure that I don’t mess up the healing process or the cast around it. 

“Lo siento. No sé lo que estaba haciendo o-o pensando-“(*Translation: I’m sorry, I don’t know what I was doing or-or thinking*) He began mumbling on, taking a few short deep breaths afterward. He’s sorry about what? I really should have paid attention to those classes in high school… 

“I-I don’t know spanish, but you don’t have to be sorry about anything. This would’ve never happen if they’d just let your family in.” I sighed, slowly getting closer as he backed away. My heart fell. Back to square one huh? I wasn’t afraid of Cas. I knew he didn’t mean anything that had happened that day. As much as I had feared him before we had met, I don’t anymore. At least not as much. I can see why his parents really wanted to see him. I wondered how the shifting even became a problem in the first place. 

“S-sorry. I-I don’t think it’s a good idea to… get closer.” He pressed his back further in the wall, getting as far away from me as possible without making such a huge move. I stopped for a second before stumbling over again. I’m still entirely used to getting around with crutches. 

As soon as I reached his hand, he had stopped moving entirely, hand clenched in a fist. I couldn’t exactly climb up his arm. I had a broken leg and he wasn’t wearing a long-sleeve like he’s usually was. I sighed, “Cas, I-I’m not mad at you. I’m not even scared right now. I came because I wanted to see you. So could you help me out down here?” I laughed at the end, watching him think about this decision before carefully opening up his hand and helping me on without jostling my leg. I was able to fit easily in the dip of his palm without being anywhere near the edge to see the devastating fall under me, but he still used his other hand to offer some sort of extra protection. I found it sweet, but also sad since he doesn’t trust himself anymore. I didn’t how he felt about it, nor how he looks like he’s basically given up on everything. 

“How are things?” I asked, getting into a comfortable sitting position. Kind of hard when a quarter of your body was covered in plexiglass. It’s not exactly a comfortable thing to be covered with. Especially since I’m not allowed to take it off until I was told so. 

“Lonely. Quiet. They had recently told me that I was allowed to see certain people for now. Doctors, the nurse that helps me out with some things, you.” He smiled slightly, but not for long. 

“Did… Did you want to see me?” I sadly asked. His eyes widened, “Of course! You have no idea how lonely it gets over here, and I kind of missed having someone around.” Something behind his voice tells me that there was something else, but I don’t want to over-step my boundaries right now. Just take things slow. I struggled once again to find a comfortable position, groaning when I was just making it even worse by moving the splint attached to it. 

Cas pointed to his shoulder, taking a guess at what was going on. I nodded my head, being slowly brought to his shoulder, seeing him lean his head against the wall behind him and side-eyeing me as soon as I had finally figured out a comfortable position where the stupid glass wasn’t irritating my skin. 

“How’d you know?” I asked, completely caught off guard by the answer. 

“Um, when My brother and I were younger I would have these growth spurts at night… and since we slept in the same room, you can imagine how many times I messed up-“ He bit the side of his cheek, staring blankly at the ceiling above him, “He still liked being with me though, and he figured it out himself.” He pointed back to his shoulder, a sad look on his face. 

So he would accidentally hurt his younger brother? That wasn’t on him at all. 

“Sorry for asking.” I grabbed a fistful of the cloth under me. I might have brought up a sensitive subject, but for some reason it seemed like Cas enjoyed talking about it. 

“It’s fine. There were some good times too. I think Sam is… nine now? Maybe eight? When he was younger he always wanted to be with me. He really likes climbing, so I pretty much gave him the perfect practice. Sometimes he’d even sleep on me when he was exhausted. We had fun.” He smiled, immediately changing into a sad frown as he stared at his hands. I scooted closer to his neck, not knowing whether I’d regret this later, or learn to love it. For some reason I think Cas just needed a hug, which I was happy to give. 

I wrapped my arms around his neck as much as I could, not covering much as I felt him tense up. He tried to see me, but couldn’t. “Sounds like you two are great siblings.” I laughed, about to pull away before he pressed his finger gently against my back, offering a hug back. 

“S-sorry, is this okay?” He pulled away a little before I told him yes. Yeah. He needed this. 

“Y-yeah. We never argued and our parents were always there for us when they could be. Even after they had found out I was a shifter they never saw me as…” He stared at the ground, moving his finger away to let me get back in my spot. They never saw him as a threat. I mean they were his parents. Why would they? They probably did everything they could to help Cas out. 

I patted his shoulder, but I he didn’t feel it. Not surprising If I were being honest. I decided to change the subject since Cas seemed on edge talking about all this, but at the same time… relieved?

“Have you eaten anything?” I asked. He side-eyed me, biting the side of his cheek again while shaking his head slowly, “Not today, no. It’s fine though. I’m not really hungry right now.” 

I tried reading his expressions, seeing that he really wasn’t lying to me. But still, it would be a good idea to at least eat something. I don’t think it’s healthy to just not eat at all. Not like Cas would change his mind though. It’s almost like he was worried about something else. 

“You mentioned not knowing spanish?” Cas forced out a small laugh in hopes of enlightening the mood. It actually kind of did as I laughed with him, “Yeah, I never really paid attention in class.” Cas gave the best smile he could manage. 

“I can help with that if you want. I kind of grew up knowing it.” 

“If you really want to.” We both laughed like we did before all of this happened. It’s good to know I can repair things with him. Now I’d just have to see if I can convince the nurses to let him at least see his brother. It would be a nice present for him. 

——————

Thank you for reading! I know this chapter was a bit short but today has been chaotic for me (personal reasons-) but I hope you enjoy either way!

Taglist: @da3dm @smolboiremy (If you would like to be added leave a note or dm me! :D)

[system-of-a-feather]

Trauma, Mindfulness and Meditation

IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER: This is NOT professional advice. This is NOT medical advice. This is SOLELY peer advice and pointers from my experience with CPTSD / DID and as a Buddhist; try this and engage with the topics mentioned here at your own careful discretion

I was thinking about it this morning, but the way a lot of professionals and practitioners handle the topic of Mindfulness and Meditation comes from the way that they are clinically taught and ways that are primarily geared for individuals who have not spent the majority of their life 1) dissociated and 2) holding a shit ton of trauma in the body; thus a lot of the time, approaching mindfulness and meditation can be - often as the common best first experience - an extremely challenging thing for individuals with C-PTSD and/or DID to engage with or out right triggering / flooding to engage with. Often the methods - in my experience - that therapist have tried relate either back to the 5-4-3 Method (which helps more acutely) or jumping right into sitting in silence, paying attention to your body / breath, and clearing your mind which often simply does not work for me. The former is very helpful and I do think its a great tool and thing to practice to work on grounding, but what I wanted to kind of discuss was the latter approach.

Mindfulness and Meditation are two things that are extremely prevalent in Buddhist practice and philosophy, and multiple therapy types have taken inspiration and notes from those particular practices and it isn't to say that those applications are wrong - they aren't and both of those are things that are suggested in some branches of Buddhism and by some practitioners - but as someone who is a practicing Buddhist, I think there is some details lost in translation that make mindfulness and meditation a lot more accessible to all.

Misconceptions of Terminology

I find the words "meditation" and "mindfulness" thrown around a lot, but often times, I find a lot of people have a slightly warped / off understanding of it.

In both Buddhist perspective AND clinical perspective, Mindfulness is simply being aware of the present. In a lot of mental health spaces, mindfulness can be added onto and emphasized in specific areas - such as emotional / body mindfulness and similar - but at the end of the day, mindfulness is the simple concept of being aware of the current present moment right now.

Meditation, however, is the concept I find most people have an extremely limited understanding of and concept of in western spaces - including professional spaces. Often, when people talk about meditation in western spaces, people assume that it is sitting down in a cross legged position, hands resting connected to the side, and breathing as you empty your head of all thoughts and - in some practices - that is true, but meditation is far more than that.

Meditation, in itself, is an art form and an active and intentional action, a focus on deeply engaging and observing the action and the state of being that you are in the present moment.

Most importantly, meditation is NOT about emptying your mind of all thoughts and that is often a pitfall ALL people seem to get stuck in. If you try to not think, you will be thinking about not thinking. Your brain will always have thoughts going around, and thats okay and normal! Meditation is about focusing on the present and engaging in active awareness and letting all the other thoughts simply pass by. It's about looking THROUGH the thoughts to observe the now.

The reason meditation is often understood to be the stereotypical sitting position is because of media, Orientalism, and the fact that its a much easier to understand concept for people who are unfamiliar with it to learn and emulate. In a Buddhist perspective, that form of meditation is the act of intentional sitting and/or intentional breathing. You are practicing being fully engaged in the simple act of just sitting or just breathing which is a fundamental step to the end goal of the practice of Just Being and often, for people who are not chronically dissociated, it is a really good starting point.

In my experience, however, as a dissociative person who has been disconnected from my body and survived by endless moving and endless hypervigilance, the skill of just sitting and just breathing were WAY too high of a bar for my current capabilities; thus whenever I tried to do it, I would get uncomfortable and my brain would immediately reject it no matter how much I intentionally tried. So I wanted to provide some "steps" up to that point coming from the perspective of a Buddhist who has / had DID.

Meditation is More than Sitting and Breathing

I honestly think if anything of this post is too long wound or anything, I do strongly recommend just listening to Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche talk about awareness and meditation, because honestly he handles the intricacies better than I do.

In my practice, the first and most important mini-step in learning mindfulness and meditation as a skill, is to first practice the intention to practice it in a manner that is conducive to skill building.

With that in mind, the first goal / skill to master is a rather simple one. Practice going outside with little to no distractions (don't bring electronics or if you do, keep it off and don't use them; limit the fidgets, limit artificial / man made stimuli and distractions, etc) and just find a place to stand, sit, walk. Do this maybe two minutes every other day. Practice at that time point until it becomes easy or, even better, you find yourself naturally wanting to do longer periods.

Finding time, willpower, and the intent to take time out of your day to day to build the skills of Just Being is - in itself - a very difficult task for some, so be kind to yourself. It's hard choose to step back and slow down in modern society, and even harder to apply it

The goal of this step is to just built the habit and awareness of your intent to practice and your interest in building this skill as that habit / intuitive awareness of your intent to practice will help with the second step.

The second step, one that can be done while you are practicing the first if you are comfortable, is to build the skill of observing and intentionally choosing to being aware of things.

This is a skill you don't actually necessarily have to go outside to do, but I find the best practice of this skill is done in combination with the first one. To practice this skill, you have to just simply pause your day to day life every so often and simply *look* at something. This sounds easy, but is deceivingly often hard to do when you start. With that in mind, there are two ways I recommend practicing this depending on how it works for you.

The first way it to practice this DURING the dedicated time you have set aside for building the skill of intentional practice. If you are outside, just choose to look at something, observe it in detail. Try to keep the thing in the forefront of your mind for an extended period of time. What does it look like? How does it move? What things are interacting with it? Even if its an inanimate object, what does it feel? What does it mean? Where does it exist in the world and in life? Just let your thoughts about that object and what you see flow wherever it goes, but try to keep that object as the center of your focus for some time. Do it again with another thing, perhaps observe the existence of two things in relation to each other. Just deeply look and focus on something you see.

I personally love to look at the color green or the movement of life / living beings, but in less abstract concepts of observation; you can just observe trees, leaves, wind, birds, bugs, people, rocks, water, etc. Whatever seems nice, just observe it in depth. If your thoughts trail off from the object, that's okay! Just gently guide your focus back to the object, and return to your observations. Look at things like its the first time you've ever seen it, like you were an alien just stopped onto the face of the earth and this thing in front of you is the most mysterious thing you've ever seen.

The second way, and the most practically applicable way to build this skill is to - throughout your day and day - intentionally be aware of an object when you were otherwise just going about your day to day. That sounds easy, but the challenge is that you have to make yourself think of something when you are otherwise not thinking about it. That's why its helpful in the first step to let the intent of practice become something that floats in your mind. If you are going about your day to day, and you catch the thought passing about this post, mindfulness, meditation, practicing your skill, you can grab that floating thought as a reminder to just be aware of yourself and your action.

Right now, pause reading, look around, and find something around you. Observe it, focus on it, think about it for a bit, acknowledge its existence in relation to everything, acknowledge its state of being, what its doing, what it's purpose. Deeply and intentionally acknowledge that it is there. What's interesting about it?

Right now, I have a white plastic bin near me. I actually usually forget that it's there because I'm accustomed to it always being there that I only really notice or pay attention to it when I want to use it, but it is there. It has my pencils and pens and markers and sticky notes. I've had it actually for years and its always been there, but today I actually am looking at it, and its actually a bit lopsided as it stands because it was placed under a notebook that I actually don't remember what it has written in because I have genuinely forgotten that notebook existed. Both the plastic bin and the book are there, I had forgotten they were there and I stopped being aware of them, but they are there. I don't think I need to do anything about them being there, but maybe I should see what the notebook was used for. Maybe I should put it in another place.

With those TWO skills, you can probably fill years of practice. All of that, by the way, is considered meditation, both halves independently or in tandem, is meditation. The point of both of those practices, is the overall combined skill of actively choosing to pause the autopilot flow of life / stress and to practice being present in the moment, the most fundamental core of both mindfulness and meditation.

Overtime with practice, being able to pause your thoughts, your experience, your feelings, and to take a momentary step back and just observe yourself, your internal experience, and your external experience becomes easier; sitting and doing nothing but sitting becomes easier; breathing and doing nothing but breathing becomes easier and - the most valuable thing for me - the ability to exist with yourself and enjoy just being, becomes easier.

[ros3ybabes]

Things I Currently Do For Better Health 🎀

Hi lovelies 💗

I try to live my life in alignment with my values, the biggest value being improved quality of life. I like to think I've included a lot of different things into my life to improve overall quality of health and life. So here's a list of things I do that help me with consistent improved health!

*I do not do these things every single day/every single week! Sometimes life happens, as I am a full time employee and a full time college student, so there are times I am too busy or too tired for some things. However, these are things I like to work really hard to consistently implement in my life <3

🩷 Mental (Intelect) Health -

Reading at least 1 chapter of a book, typically self help or productivity focused

Studying a 2nd language! Currently focusing on Japanese but contemplating adding in Spanish as a secondary focus

Consuming informative content! I love podcasts, and I really like watching Ted talks! And of course, the books I read tend to be more non-fiction, just from personal preference

Academics! Keeping up with my school work and academic life keeps me well informed. I'm always learning something new in my classes! I also personally enjoy studying, I lowkey love academic validation!

🩷 Mental (Emotional) Health -

Journaling! I try to follow a guided journal as often throughout the week as I can and I try to do some writing in my normal journal every so often, but honestly I've been a little too busy for journaling

Therapy! I know not everyone has access to a therapist, but I absolutely love being able to talk to a mental health professional at least once a week. My therapist has been the greatest help, especially as things have gotten more stressful in my life.

Rest! It's really important for me to have down time and not feel guilty about taking some rest time for myself. I always make sure I'm in a position to take rest without compromising school work or anything, but I try to have some time during the week where I can just lay in bed and do nothing for a while.

Meditation! This is one I'm still trying to implement, but I used to meditate for 5 to 10 minutes in the morning and it always gave me some mental clarity and ease of kind for the day. Definitely want to pick it back up!

Yoga! So good for mindfulness, finding stillness and relaxation, and overall ease of my being in general. It's like a super peaceful flowy version of stretching, and I'm adding this back into my routine slowly.

🩷 Physical Health -

Exercise! I try to get in movement daily. Some days that's lifting weights in the gym or doing some moderate cardio on the treadmill, and other days that means light cardio from everyday tasks or some mindful stretching and yoga to relax my body after a long day

Sleep! I try to get 6 to 8 hours a night at minimum otherwise I tend to over do the caffiene which only hurts me in the long run. Quality sleep is important for me, it helps me regulate my mood, my energy levels, and my appetite and cravings! The worse and less sleep I get, the crankier and hungrier I tend to be

Nutrition and Hydration! I do not believe in restricting foods, I believe in healthy moderation and healthy substitution. I try to eat a decent amount of protein and fiber, while not restricting or feeling guilt on days I eat a little higher fats or carbs. Balance is key! And water is so important!! It helps my skin, my energy, my hunger signals, everything!

Skincare!! I feel so amazing after a full skincare routine. My morning routine is simple for now, but there's nothing like a good skincare routine to make me feel my best and most confident.

🩷 Miscellaneous-

regular doctor appointments! eye exams, general physician checkups, mental health appointments, dental, all of it! you'll never know what aspect of your health needs some work if you don't keep an eye on it! I look forward to all my appointments as it always gives me insight into my health that I otherwise wouldn't know.

Balance! I work full time, 5 days a week. I go to classes in person 4 days a week plus two online classes for a total of almost 18 credit hours. I'm stressing about finances, insurance, future classes, and my current grades. Therefore, I make sure to find time for the gym, for my skincare routine, for my therapy appointments, and for quality sleep. If I let any aspect of my self care and health slide, I'd be a spiraling mess, and I can't afford to do that to myself, nor do I want to. I deserve self care and rest and good days, and I always like to play an active part in having a good day for myself! Balance is key!

That's all for now, lovelies. My greatest value in my personal life in regards to myself is a high quality of life and I want to ensure I get that! I love working on my health and taking care of myself. I love keeping myself healthy and happy and functioning. We all deserve good health, happiness, and positive days!

til next time, lovelies 💗

[icriedtheverse]

Firstly, when you get this, you have to answer with 5 things you like about yourself, publicly. Then, send this ask to 10 of your favorite followers (non-negotiable, positivity is cool) <3!!

oh my, oh my... five things is so very many things... lemme brace my mental health for this.

I like my creativity - my writing and drawing and my enjoyment of creative things

I like my perseverance - I'm pretty stubborn so when things don't work out and I want them to, I keep going until I find a way to make it work

I think I'm pretty smart - I'm a slow learner (like Sansa lol) but once I learn something, I learn it well

I think I'm nice - I try to treat everyone with love and respect and kindness / I work at a non-profit so I've basically dedicated my life to trying to help people and I think that's a good decision (MOST DAYS, it's not exactly a money-maker and life's not free, but y'know)

My empathy - I've learned that some people have a hard time relating with others' emotions, but I connect with people in a way that I'm really grateful for

phew! i should probably bill a therapist for how uncomfortable that made me. thank you, love!! 💗💗

[pupuseriazag]

Tw: venting (mentions of death trauma, family problems, etc)

I think I am going through another episode like years ago, I have tried my best to keep myself stable and silence the dangerous and panic inducing thoughts but I dont know how much more I will be able to endure.

For those that dont know, I have major anxiety and phobia to death. In 2021 I had to be taken to a psychologist because I broke down in my moms arms, not being able to stop the constant storm of my brain making me panic about how one day Im not going to be here,that I could die any moment and I dont have a guarantee of whats going to happen after that... Its hell, its horrible I love living so much and I know I should already have processed the thoughts... But I cant man. I cant and its horrible to live like this.

I was medicated with anxiety pills (my mom was afraid I could get addicted to antidepression pills until months later another doctor actually prescribed them to me) and ever since I "became better" I've been feeling guilty to ask her to buy me more because I dont want to worry her more.

Before turning 18 I NEVER visioned myself getting to live 24. I cried the early morning I turned 18 because I just didnt knew what to do. I still dont know what to do.

Im at 24 and Im getting let down more and more by life. Situation at home is still shitty and I just... Dont see a way for us to leave here.

Its been 5 fucking years since we began searching for a home to move away from my dad (to clarify: my dad is not physically nor verbally abusive. But he is a cheater, a selfish person and emotionally manipulative jobless liar.) and we cant... We just cant. Everywhere expects you to be paying 400$ a month for a one room apartment or 90k for a home thats falling apart, we cannot afford to move to another departament because of my university and her job. Traffic from other cities like San Marcos, San Martin and even Mejicanos is just too fucking much. Its already too much where we live.

Even if I had a job, we couldnt be able to move somewhere better, we have been stuck here for 5 years, two fucking years taken from covid and 3 to try to stabilize ourselves after that (plus his medical bills after he got kidney stones riiiight after leaving his job, very fucking convenient)

We cant even move to my grandma's or my mom's sister's house. They live on the other side of the country and they have always been very vocal about being against my mom and siding with my dad. And even tho we have the support of some of my dad's sisters... We just cant move to their home.

Everyday I wake up here is like being stuck in a time loop. Every day is the fucking same and I just find a way to distract myself before being yanked back to reality, same with my mom. And you know the worst? I also have to be my moms therapist.

Im tired man, all of this is driving me crazy and the hopelessness I feel when I realize my position is just... Overwhelmingly sad. I hate this life, I hate the life I was given and I hate being brought to a broken family, I hate that my life could have been better if ONLY my dad was not a piece of shit cheating on my mom and putting HIS family side before us, I hate that things could have been so... So much different if only he was a good person. Im not strong enough to continue pretending its not affecting my mental health, no wonder the intrusive thoughts increased these months... These past days.

I feel miserable, I feel worthless, I feel like everything is not worth it. I have insomnia until like 4 am and I panic when I cant find anything I can listen to so I can get some sleep. I havent been able to draw because I dont feel its worth it... I have only been able to distract myself playing and going to uni.

And even putting my family problems aside, I still cant find joy or hope. National news and seeing how this country its being turned into the gringos/politicians playhouse, how even if my life was "better" Im still in danger for being a queer afab person. How people still have blind faith in a fascist regime and money runs lower and lower for the working class meanwhile they proudly announce the inauguration of gentrified beaches and zones of San Salvador, displacing markets and historial establishments to put a fucking starbucks and other multinationals to be more gringo friendly while zones like Apopa and Soyapango are heavily militarized and the police can just say you are linked to the gangs to abuse you.

On top of that coming to terms that I may not end up working in anything art related and having to accept thar if I ever get a job Ill have to rot in an office, seeing how even tho I want to stay away from the norm I feel forced to join it... And that also means having to ""accept my prewritten gender role"".

Everyday that passes feels as if life will force me to live as a straight cis woman or otherwise I will just have to accept being alone the rest of my life.

I know Im being too negative right now, Im letting out how I've been feeling because lately its just been... Too much. Last night I even had a small disagreement with my mom because Im just not in the mood for being her therapist during this we're dealing. I know my dad is an asshole and I know hes using the few money he has to pamper his other woman instead of helping with the bills, I already know he tries to lie to us and acts as the victim. Its tiring to go through the same conversation about him everyday.

So yeah, back to my life... I just wish for some peace you know? I wish for a house where I can actually see the sky from my window and not worrying about at least my family problems. Srry for the sudden emotional explosion

[xi218]

୨୧ goals ୨୧

Physical: working on being sober, ab workout routine, getting into bed earlier, not snacking so much, wearing the clothes you're saving for a "special occasion", trying out new looks and clothes, venturing out new styles, upgrading your basic hygiene routine, drink more water

Mental: journaling daily (or near daily..), decorating pages, keeping track of emotions both negative and positive and what triggers them. Get rid of the negative triggers and bring in more of the positive triggers.

Emotional: getting in touch with a therapist, dedicating a journal to release you emotions instead of bottling them in, interpret dreams, talking to friends when things upset me

Professional: working 1 hour more than usual, dont wake up and finish work before class

Personal: find your old hobbies (crochet), discover new ones (shirt making 👀), trying new food even if im nervous, complimenting people out loud, making an effort to hang out with friends when opportunities present themselves, limit youtube time

Finance: learn how to budget, no impulse spending, watch videos about making money with art and follow through

Important habits to have: waking up and going to bed early, using planner, having a morning and night routine but the freedom to change it/ leniency with myself if i dont stick to it

Important skills to build: how to communicate my own needs, learn what the line is between sharing and dumping (rather than choosing to bottle everything ive ever felt lol)

schedule ଘ(੭ˊᵕˋ)੭ ੈ♡‧₊˚

So you've picked your goals. Great. Now take a look at your schedule and figure out what things are taking up most of your time. Is it a long commute? Spending too much time scrolling on your phone? Waking up late? Going to bed late?

୨୧ time blocking / schedule:

☆ Mornings:

5-6am: exercise

6-7am: shower, get ready for class / library

7:30-8am: library for breakfast, get ready for the day

~class~

☆ Evenings:

get back from class, shower immediately, change into pajamas

eat dinner

finish homework

plan the next day, journal, go to bed

Assess how you spend your time and utilize it. Instead of scrolling on your phone during your free time, spend time with your loved ones (pets, kids, partner), instead of staying in one place while you're on a call, walk around to get steps in, there is always a way to implement your goals into your daily life.

Notice how I say fit your goals around your life. You don't want to be taking away important things like errands, jobs, school, being a parent just meet your goals- no. Use your time wisely. That's all. You can fit them.

On the larger goals like taking up a class/large skill, like dancing and painting. On fridays, you'll have dance class and on other days that you have free, you'll be painting a piece or reading your anticipated book, learning a language, trying out a new recipe, planning the next day, taking a spontaneous art class, etc!

Weekends.

Because I work a lot, I like to use weekends to really do deep work. Intensive study sessions. And because I deep work (work with no distractions) I don't need to study all day. I'm getting so much done in little time that I'll be done by the afternoon and I can go out and do errands, get all dressed up and have a nice day out in the city, or just have a relaxing day by doing chores, watching a nice movie and more!

3. Setting up a system so you can actually stick to those goals.

Keep a journal to keep track of what you did today. If you didn't reach a goal that day (and that's okay), ask yourself why? and how does it make you feel? Then take action on what you can do to reach it tomorrow.

i think post its in planner should be effective

Switching. We all know it’s best to not push yourself so hard. For example, don’t do intense exercise everyday. Walking and dancing throughout the day counts as exercise too, so by switching (depending on YOUR goals), you’ll have time for your other goals as well. Here is an example: on a rest day of no exercising, maybe that day is the night I have a ballet class. That is exercise as well. So instead of exercising in the very early hours of my day, I can use that time instead to do more studying OR have more time doing something else.

which means I can do one do the following: spend more time with my pet, read a few pages of my book, make a new recipe, etc.

Ex. 4am-5am - on a no-exercise day, i can study during that time instead. 6am-7am - more time to tackle my other goals.

Create a foundation. If you have an amazing day, felt very productive and accomplished, what's a habit that really helped? if you had an off day, figure out why and maybe your foundation can help.

★ That’s all!

[sonysakura]

Perpetually furious

Anyway, this is a vent post containing Internet "friendship" drama, swearing and discussion of death. Replying is okay, ignoring is okay, reblogs are disabled, I just figured I can throw one of my old 2020 reaction images in here as well since I never did and I'm not sure I'd ever find a better post to illustrate with it (originally, it was made for something long since irrelevant).

*looks at his empty wrist* As of right now, it's been 5 days of me being furious because I saw one (1) mention of a few nicknames I never-ever want to see again. This is after I blocked the people, added their nicknames to filtered post content and tags and then also enabled "Hide filtered posts entirely" in XKit (yes, I don't want to see even someone else's posts reblogged from them and to even know my mutuals are still following them). If I can't disappear them off the face of the planet with my mind, I will at least disappear them off my dash. The thing I had to find out 5 days ago... if a filtered word is in the middle of a tag it won't get filtered out. And my habit of reading my mutuals' tags made it so I read a forbidden nickname and has been in a state of fury ever since.

I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.

And before anyone tries to say the word "therapy"?.. Yes, I am doing that. It's been, mind you, 6 sessions already of me retelling these 3 seasons of a dramatic soap opera these people involved me in (fyi I have never been a participant of a fandom/Internet drama until meeting them). And my plan has been to only think about the drama during therapy so it doesn't plague my life the way it did for the past 8 months. My therapist also agreed it's better we do it at my own pace, and actually despite the previous session being the one I was supposed to reach the end of the story on, I felt I don't want to talk about them, about the worst that happened, and we didn't. Apparently, talking about my guilt over me being unable to support my best friend when her mum died and how much the reminder of my parents dying in the future hit me is easier than talking about the way my "friends" behaved.

Shitty two-faced bitches, and I wish I knew worse words to describe them. The one who backstabbed me twice, told someone I loved I don't have emotions, don't love anyone and is just a manipulator, lied to them that they know me well (we talked twice, I literally only wished them happy birthday), then talked to me like nothing happened and only admitted to lying to my face and playing with me (or "joking around" in their own words when nothing really has been a laughing matter in that situation) when they needed my help. They watched me defend them, waited it out and only came clean and apologised because they didn't want to be on the bad side of someone in higher position than them. And then claimed I harassed them and blatantly lied about how often we talk a few months later to get me out of the way.

The other one who didn't reach out despite knowing me for almost a year just because someone else mentioned they had a fight with me, and they decided they better leave it be and just ignore something happened (in hindsight, no wonder, since they believed immediately when someone else started to whisper things about me into their ear later) but then only started talking to me because I guess I'm an easy person to vent to or something. True, I also vented to them because they claimed they're my friend. I didn't realise their friendly attitude is fake, and as I was later told they "wear a mask", and apparently I was just supposed to know it instead of thinking them to be my friend. They used my skills for their needs and then became cold to me when it turned out my character (which they considered aggressive when I was saying things as they are, snarkily replied to rude remarks or just wasn't using emoji) outweighs my usefulness... and got angry at me when I asked them not to speak to me like a child. I was supposed to just take it according to them. And when I decided being under them is too much after they tried to force me to unblock a person who triggered me, they discouraged other people from contacting me, condoned another person to share my private information (some of it taken from a vent even) and lied to people we both know they were saying things to me in DMs which they never did (i.e. "I told them I'd love them back" when they said "I never wanted you to feel upset" and never invited me back or even apologised, then blocked, told me I'm manipulating the events and refused to talk to me afterwards). And all of that while they and their friend continued to misgender me in the space where they thought I wouldn't see it!

And yet another one creeped on me in DMs after they read some melancholic tags on one of my posts and encouraged me to vent to them. And when I got surprised, considering I thought they don't like me since they never interacted with me in public and even ignored me multiple times, they said how I seemed so unapproachable to them and they "waited for me to come to them", and how they actually care a lot and they kept behaving extra sympathetically (and I have no idea how I didn't realise how creepy all this sounds, I guess I held them in such high regard not to question their sudden behavior too much). Later, they told me they like to chat to people privately "friendly and civil" to "keep their enemies close". Yeah, I know, embarrassing I didn't realise this is what they were doing to me... But I only realised after they out of nowhere blocked me without saying a single word after I decided not to work with their friend anymore and said friend then used the info against me that was... strangely familiar to something I didn't talk about to them but to their quiet "keep-my-enemies-close" friend instead. Interesting, right? Not even mentioning the screenshots of their private blog I was sent later where they seemed to quip about me and how I ruined their fun. Sure, I should have just stayed to be the butt of the joke for them.

Well, now, should I also talk about the stupid idiot who I had in my Friends because I thought there's no bad blood between us only to one morning discover they unfriended me and are going around shared servers spreading info that I "blocked them"? And they thought so because... Bet you won't guess? Because they claimed the yellow exclamation mark on Discord desktop app is "the blocking indicator". Just so you know: it's "the indicator" that means Discord can't pull up/load the up-to-date info about the person such as their userpic, about or badges, usually if you aren't friends, or simply don't share servers anymore, or haven't talked in a while. This is done for security reasons. It is in no way "the blocking indicator". The only valid way to know someone blocked you is to try adding a reaction to their message – if they blocked you, the screen will "shake off" the reaction on desktop or simply disappear the reaction or tell you it's unable to add the reaction on mobile (they seem to change it back and forth). In any case, it's impossible for your friend to block you and stay a Friend because Discord automatically unfriends people if one of them blocked the other. But that pinnacle of stupidity saw the "indicator" and then unfriended me because they thought I blocked them, and also was vindictive enough to tell it to everyone. Honestly, this is not the worst thing, I actually got a good laugh out of that part... It is the fact that other people believed them without checking in with me. And started blocking and unfriending me, too. *sigh*

Alright. I'm not as bad as before, now it's somewhat calmer fury, and my eyes are wet so I hope I might cry. Maybe it will help to release this heavy feeling.

And one last thing... If you're reading that, if you reached the end of this post, and anything I said makes you feel uncomfortable about me, just unfollow me. If you've been there and saw what went down starting April 2021 and ending July 2022 and you think I was the only one in the wrong, just unfollow me. If you're only being friendly with me because this is what your culture dictates and you want to be polite and nice, just unfollow me. If you're only here to "keep me close", just please, please, unfollow me and leave me alone. If you consider me a friend, tell me so. I can't stand this guessing and pretending anymore.

[texasmadehustler]

I am open. I am healing. I am happy.

The waters of self-care have ebbed and flowed throughout my life, and during a particularly long ebb (a drought, if you will), I spoke these words to myself every day. When my heart felt broken, I found wholeness in opening it up again. I found hope in healing.

And the happiness? Okay, maybe it was an aspirational truth, but each time I spoke it I searched my mind for something I could be happy about. It served as a reminder that even when things weren’t perfect, there was some small bit of joy tucked away, just behind a corner.

Positive affirmations are a longstanding practice for those of us who need a little extra daily encouragement, and the best part is—they’re free and they’re flexible! You can write them on sticky notes to set on your mirror, on the notes app in your phone for on-the-go encouragement, or you can simply memorize your favorites and recite them in times of uncertainty.

Whether you’re navigating depression (hopefully with the support of a therapist or psychiatrist), or you’re just looking to boost your self-esteem, I hope you find an affirmation on this list that resonates with you.

What’s your favorite positive self-affirmation? Share in the comments below!

For more everyday encouragement, subscribe to The Daily Good—a 30-second newsletter delivered to your inbox each morning with tips for self-care and sustainable living. 🌿

“I alone hold the truth of who I am.”

1. Asking for help is a sign of self-respect and self-awareness.

2. Changing my mind is a strength, not a weakness.

3. Every decision I make is supported by my whole and inarguable experience.

4. I affirm and encourage others, as I do myself.

5. I alone hold the truth of who I am.

6. I am allowed to ask for what I want and what I need.

7. I am allowed to feel good.

8. I am capable of balancing ease and effort in my life.

9. I am complete as I am, others simply support me.

“I am growing and I am going at my own pace.”

10. I am content and free from pain.

11. I am doing the work that works for me.

12. I am good and getting better.

13. I am growing and I am going at my own pace.

14. I am held and supported by those who love me.

15. I am in charge of how I feel and I choose to feel happy.

16. I am listening and open to the messages the universe has to offer today.

17. I am loved and worthy.

18. I am more than my circumstances dictate.

19. I am open to healing.

20. I am optimistic because today is a new day.

“I am proof enough of who I am and what I deserve.”

21. I am peaceful and whole.

22. I am proof enough of who I am and what I deserve.

23. I am responsible for myself, and I start there.

24. I am safe and surrounded by love and support.

25. I am still learning so it’s okay to make mistakes.

26. I am understood and my perspective is important.

27. I am valued and helpful.

28. I am well-rested and excited for the day.

29. I am worthy of investing in myself.

30. I belong here, and I deserve to take up space.

“I breath in healing, I exhale the painful things that burden my heart.”

31. I breath in healing, I exhale the painful things that burden my heart.

32. I breathe in trust, I exhale doubt.

33. I can be soft in my heart and firm in my boundaries.

34. I can control how I respond to things that are confronting.

35. I can hold two opposing feelings at once, it means I am processing.

36. I celebrate the good qualities in others and myself.

37. I deserve an affirming touch on my own terms.

38. I deserve information and I deserve moments of silence, too.

39. I deserve self-respect and a clean space.

40. I do all things in love.

“I can hold two opposing feelings at once, it means I am processing.”

41. I do not have to linger in dark places; there is help for me here.

42. I do not pretend to be anyone or anything other than who I am.

43. I do not rise and fall for another.

44. I do not rush through my life, I temper speed with stillness.

45. I embrace change seamlessly and rise to the new opportunity it presents.

46. I embrace the questions in my heart and welcome the answers in their own time.

47. I grow towards my interests, like a plant reaching for the sun.

48. I have come farther than I would have ever thought possible, and I'm learning along the way.

49. I have everything I need to succeed.

“I hold community for others, and am held in community by others.”

50. I hold community for others, and am held in community by others.

51. I hold wisdom beyond knowledge.

52. I invite abundance and a generous heart.

53. I invite art and music into my life.

54. I leave room in my life for spontaneity.

55. I let go of the things that sit achingly out of reach.

56. I look forward to tomorrow and the opportunities that await me.

57. I love that I love what I love.

58. I make decisions based on a good gut, I make changes based on a growing heart.

59. I make time to experience grief and sadness when necessary.

60. I nourish myself with kind words and joyful foods.

“I nourish myself with kind words and joyful foods.”

61. I practice gratitude for all that I have, and all that is yet to come.

62. I release the fears that do not serve me.

63. I respect the cycle of the seasons.

64. I seek out mystery in the ordinary.

65. I strive for joy, not for perfection.

66. I tell the truth about who I am and what I need from others.

67. I uplift my joy and the joy of others.

68. I welcome the wisdom that comes with growing older.

69. I welcome what is, I welcome what comes.

“I welcome the wisdom that comes with growing older.”

70. I will allow myself to evolve.

71. Letting go creates space for opportunities to come.

72. My body is beautiful in this moment and at its current size.

73. My body is worthy of being cared for and adorned in beautiful garments.

74. My feelings deserve names, deserve recognition, deserve to be felt.

75. My heart is open to helpfulness from myself and from others.

76. My heart knows its own way.

77. My life is not a race or competition.

78. My perspective is unique and important.

79. My pleasure does not require someone else’s pain.

80. My sensitivity is beautiful, and my feelings and emotions are valid.

“My sensitivity is beautiful, and my feelings and emotions are valid.”

81. My weirdness is wonderful.

82. Saying “no” is an act of self-affirmation, too.

83. Sometimes the work is resting.

84. There is growth in stillness.

85. There is peace in changing your mind when it is done in love.

86. There is poetry in everything, if I look for it.

87. There is room for me at the table.

88. There is something in this world that only I can do. That is why I am here.

89. There is strength in quiet, there is vulnerability in being loud.

“There is something in this world that only I can do. That is why I am here.”

90. Today I celebrate that I am younger than I’m ever going to be.

91. Today is an opportunity to grow and learn.

92. When I feel fear, I feed trust.

93. When I focus on my reason for being, I am infinitely brave.

94. When I forgive myself, I free myself.

95. When I release shame, I move into myself more beautifully.

96. When I root into the earth, the earth rises to support me.

97. When I speak my needs, I receive them abundantly.

98. When I talk to myself as I would a friend, I see a

[averymayhemeveryday]

It's tough for people with ADHD to envision the future (also tough for people with aphantasia, it turns out)

ah fuck, i say. i am not *that* surprised that ADHD probably plays a large part of knowing in my heart of hearts that the future is a black void which i can only stare into and never bend to my will, but it's still a little startling to see it staring back at me.

let's just say the time i nearly failed 8th grade english continues to make more and more sense. we had to write a paper on a career, ostensibly framed as doing legwork for something we maybe wanted to do when we 'grew up', looking up salaries and education requirements and what the job is like, and... i couldn't choose. you've got someone who in elementary school made a list of jobs, one for each day of the week, ranging from veterinarian to paleontologist to cement truck driver-- how do you expect me to pick one thing to research and write about in that context? so i didn't do it. or, at least, i didn't do it willingly; it took my parents begging me to just pick SOMETHING it doesn't matter what and the fact that i really didn't want to fail 8th grade for me to pull something together about being a jeweler and finally turn it in, very very late.

i used to pull that story out as kind of a joke. haha you think i'm smart but you'll never guess how close i come to fucking it up all the time. haha you think i can do anything i want to but you'll never guess how often i do nothing because i don't know what i want to do. don't know what i want to commit myself to.

since then i've found i can go about 3-5 years of taking any particular thing somewhat seriously and then i've burnt out on it and it's the last thing i want to touch. maybe i'll come back around to it eventually, but (so far) never to the extent of involvement or enjoyment as the first time. and that just... sucks. it makes it really hard to want to throw myself fully into anything, because of the fear that something will happen (internally, when i've learned all i feel like learning about something and get bored or do it too much and burn out OR externally, hi pandemic) and i'll be back at square one with a few new specific skills of little-to-no use in other applications under my belt and the same old sense that i've just disappointed the people/fans/family that thought i was doing well and should have kept going. and disappointed myself, because while i never had a clear picture of where i was going with what i was doing, i'm positive i didn't want it to fall apart like THAT.

The hardest thing is to do something you don't want to do when you also can't imagine how it will benefit you

ah fuck, i repeat, as i continue to put off finding a therapist.

Today I came home at noon from a short trip, cold, wet and grumpy because it's snowing, but temperature just above freezing point. When I got in I stopped for a minute and looked around the hallway and into the kitchen. There is a change! Hallway looks much better than one month ago and the kitchen, too! There's lots of free floor! So no matter what I'll manage today or tomorrow, NaClYoHo has been a great help in leveling down the mess in these two areas

Oh yay, I'm so glad! Yeah, sometimes you don't notice just what a difference it makes until you're out of the house for a bit, and for some people that isn't happening very often these days. The first time I scrubbed down my bathroom sink in my old apartment, it went basically from yellow-grey to white, and every time I walked into the bathroom for a week I was shocked by it.

My condo, I must say, looks cleaner in parts, but overall still doesn't look "tidy", and that's okay. I know the changes I've made, and some of the tidiness will come in time, but also just...whether or not it looks better, if it feels good, that matters too.

It's tough for people with ADHD to envision the future (also tough for people with aphantasia, it turns out) but for me, I've done this enough to know that while I can't necessarily see HOW what I've done will help me months from now, there will be moments in 2024 where I stop and think, "Hey, thanks, Past Sam, that really helped." The hardest thing is to do something you don't want to do when you also can't imagine how it will benefit you, so it's important to really mark those moments where you do see benefit, remember them and try to keep them with you. The work we do matters even when we can't measure exactly how.

[steamishot]

end of april

i’m currently at 95% program completion of my BS accounting degree. i need to complete my auditing course by end of this month, then intermediate accounting III by end of may and i am doneeee! i get so stressed and overwhelmed whenever i think about all that needs to be done (while also juggling work), but i remind myself to take it one step at a time and it’s not as bad if slowly chug along. 

my director finally followed up on the new position/promotion he brought up to me in february. it’ll be a 50% compliance manager/50% payroll auditing manager role and he’ll send me the JD in a couple weeks. my manager let me know that this role would be an in-person thing (something my director did not mention). the way my director worded it almost sounds like the ball is in my court, i.e. if i want the job, i can have it. i wonder if this is a way to get me back into the office, as i believe i am the only one in the whole department who is fully remote (let alone working out of state). i can’t wait to see the JD, and hope it is something i am interested in doing. UCLA also announced that staff will receive a 4.6% raise this summer. ideally, it would be cool if i could get promoted and then a raise on top of that. if i’m able to grow and increase my income at UCLA, then i don’t see a need to jump ship and utilize my accounting degree. however, i do want to see if the degree completion affects my salary at all.

matt and i did a lot of normal people activities this last week he was off and it was great. i think this was the only one week ever that we didn’t have any morning plans for the whole 7 days, no trips planned (!!!) or no upcoming trip planning, and overall a very chill time. we did hot yoga twice, cooked hot pot/shabu shabu many times, binged how to get rich and beef, got takeout sushi, thai food, and fried chicken, visited the botanical garden and laid on a picnic blanket, and went for boba runs. we also got a PS5 and will be playing it takes two.

my bro SIL and baby are wrapping up month 2 of 3 in cambodia. my dad is also there and will be returning to LA may 9. my brother was laid off in january and my parents are concerned by the lack of urgency they are exhibiting about finding employment. apparently my bro is only applying to about 3 jobs a week (to meet the minimum requirement for government assistance). 

i have asked my mom to jump on the wealthfront HYSA bandwagon for any money just sitting there. these days (she’s only early-mid 60s and healthy for her age, and her mom/my grandma is still alive and well), she keeps talking about “anything might happen” and wants to ensure that i’m her beneficiary on her financial accounts and that i’m granted access. it makes me a little sad. 

therapy: we haven’t had couples counseling in about a month (half due to our own schedules and half due to our therapist calling out sick). however, matt has now met with gabbie twice now, and finished up the 5 sessions of EAP with josephine. there’s a lot to uncover in regards to his childhood and all the pressure that he faced growing up with overachieving chinese parents. my reddit friend K has face similar hardships (as have millions of asian kids - funny how many of the asian american media today have very similar themes), and she has shared much of her therapy journey with me. 

[runfast-runfar]

Life Lately

1/29/2023

✨ life has been very up and down lately. Long story short, my current therapist who I love so much, said her supervisor will only allow her to continue working with me if I get higher care help with food stuff. So I did and have a dietician and an Ed therapist which I’ve been doing for a month now, but I literally can not afford it. I’m spending almost $600 a week (and making $800 a week) and so I can’t save any money, can’t pay off my credit card, can’t buy groceries consistently… it’s just added more stress not really resolved anything. Plus the two new therapist I am seeing I don’t really like very much, they’re not telling me ANYTHING I don’t already know… it’s that I’m not ready to fully recover. And I hate that if I’m not, the way the system is set up is to have the therapists you do have have to stop working with you to encourage “higher care” but if I can’t afford basic specialized care… how tf is higher care an option??! Ugh. It’s a mess.

I have my therapy with my long term therapist I love on Tuesday, and I’m going to talk to her about it all. I’m really REALLY hoping we can find a way for me to do my best alone and then still work together (she’s not licensed yet, she’s an associate hence having to follow her supervisors authority to a T). But I will be crushed if I can’t see her, but I genuinely can’t afford more than 1 therapist a week and i don’t want to see either other therapist over her.

✨ anyway, that’s the shitty stuff. But other things in life are pretty positive atm! Work is going well, and I am liking it as much as one can like a level entry, out of college in a field they don’t particularly want to be in, as much as could be expected lmao

But I did speak to my manager and put in some boundaries with my available work hours (I was pulling 10-12 hour days bc of my commute) and so I now leave the office at 4 instead of 5:30 three days a week cutting almost 3 hours off my work day on M, W, and F’s which has been SO needed!! Proud of myself for asserting those boundaries tbh!

✨ I went running last weekend for the first time in almost 3 months, and it actually went great! Definitely slower and that is hard to come to terms with, but I went out again this morning for another 30 minute run and I am trying to just remain grateful running is back in my life!! And I am going to try running 3 days a week for 30 minute sessions for a few weeks to see how it goes, then increase it slowly if it goes smooth!! 🤞🤞

✨ some yummy foods lately I’m obsessed with; it looks gross but is SO tasty… mashed banana with maple syrup, pb, and cinnamon on top of freshly made bread!! And then I had steel cut oats for the first time yesterday and omg game changer!!!

✨ thea is her usual, perfect, adorable, derpy self (ignore my mass pile of stuffed animals)

✨ my brother is hopefully getting a job he’s been interviewing for for a month in the next week or so, and if he does we will be looking to move out in the next month or so!! (Hence needing to be able save money/have an income…) bc I need to not live at home anymore.

✨ speaking of saving though… I did have the plan to buy myself a ps5 when I officially landed my first big girl post college job, and they just got restocked so I bought one!!! So now I reallyyyy can’t afford therapy lmao 😅 I mean I can for $110 a week with my one therapist, not $600 a week for three lol

So that comes on Wednesday so next weekend I know what I’ll be doing all day Saturday and Sunday lmao

I bought the new ratchet and clank game and then also the last of us part 1 (the show is SO good!!) and I’m so excited!!

✨ I went to the humane society last weekend and then again this weekend and it feels SO good to be going back! I hadn’t gone since September of last year due to the new job and just the anxiety and sadness around some of the animals there for so long. But I loved getting to be back! I walked this 4 month old husky named Zeus, and then Oso I TLC’d and did some mental stimulation games and he’s such a sweetie pie ugh I love them all!!!

✨ today has been a nice, somewhat lazy day! Slept in until 8am and then went on a 30 minute run, then stopped at the farmers market for a few things, came home and did a 30 minute intervals and arms peloton class with Robin Arzon :) Then I watched M3gan (lol wild!), and now I’m watching Get Out while drawing in bed with a few candles lit!

✨ not thrilled about the work week ahead, I appreciate having a job a lot but I am definitely only planning on staying at this place for a year or 2 max and then I want to segue back to social sciences bc tech is not for me long term!

✨ I want to watch one more “scary” movie (or like thriller type movie like M3gan or Get Out) tonight so any suggestions I would love! :)

✨ well, I hope you’re all doing well, and have a lovely Sunday to finish up your weekend!!

[510amy5]

As someone who has lost a family member to suicide, here is some practical advice. Of course this is all from my personal experience, you know your friend so use your own judgment.

1. Don't ask questions unless you actually want to hear the answer.

My least favourite question after losing my family member was "how are you doing?" When people asked me this they didn't want to hear that I was falling apart, they were just asking to be polite. This put me in a position where I had to either lie and say I was doing better than I was (and subsequently keep up that appearance) or give an honest answer only to receive a response that ranged from awkward to patronizing. This applies more to acquaintances than close friends, but it does bear saying. This doesn't mean don't ask questions, but only ask a question if you want an honest answer, then listen and respond in a genuine manner.

2. Listen patiently.

Your friend is trying to process a lot right now. There might be certain aspects of their situation that they need to talk about repeatedly as they are working through them. Let them do so and be patient with the repetition. There may also be parts of their situation that they can't think about or talk about yet. Be patient here as well and don't dig. You are not their therapist and it isn't your job to guide them through these hard parts. They will get there when they are ready. Do exercise your boundaries as sometimes people in these situation have some dark thoughts and feelings they need to express. If you are not comfortable listening to these, then encourage them to talk to another trusted person or a therapist. The key is not to stop them from talking about these thoughts and feelings but to encourage them to find an appropriate space and manner to express them.

3. Be specific when offering help.

After a traumatic loss there is a lot going on in your brain as it tries to start processing what is happening. For me, this meant that when people said "is there something I can do to help" my brain just said nope in order to avoid the problem. Realistically, the answer is almost always yes there is something you can do to help, the key is just figuring out what. Instead of asking an open ended and possibly overwhelming question, think of something specific that you think would be helpful to your friend and ask if you can do that for them. Some suggestions might include: making a meal, picking up some groceries, sitting with them while they eat, giving them a ride somewhere, watching their phone for important communications while they take a shower/nap/walk/general break, watch a movie with them, do a household chore, help with schoolwork if they are a student, watch their kids if they are a parent. Once you offer a specific piece of help they may say yes please. They may say no but could you do *insert task* instead. They may just say thank you for offering but no. In this case just accept that they don't want the help right now and that sometimes assigning tasks so others can feel useful is exhausting. Offering help is great, but don't force it on them unless their safety is at risk.

4. Let them be normal.

This sounds odd at first but let me explain. After losing my family member, I was buried by condolences, offers of help, check ins, etc. I am grateful that people cared enough to do that, but grieving is hard and sometimes I really just needed a break. Too often I felt like *the person who's family member died* and not like *me*. Yes I was sad and struggling to cope and I genuinely needed help and support but sometimes I also just needed to feel like a normal person leading a normal life. Give your friend the space to step away from their grief and just do normal things. Catch a movie, go for coffee, laugh at an inside joke and be a little silly. Grief is a full time job, let them have days off while accepting that it doesn't mean the process is over.

5. Be in it for the long haul.

After losing my family member we were completely overwhelmed with help and well wishes. There were people I hadn't spoken to in years suddenly checking in on me. But after a week these numbers fell and after a month they were down to a handful. A few months later everyone had gone back to their normal lives but I was still struggling. The few people who stuck around and continued to meet me where I was made a huge difference. Listen patiently when they talk about their grief even if it is repetitive. Be understanding when they cancel again because they don't have the energy to go out. Show them extra love because sometimes they might hate themselves for still struggling when they think they should be better. Grief isn't fast, especially when the loss is sudden and certainly when it is complicated by suicide. Be ok with that and let them take all the time in the world because they might need that long.

Most importantly just keep being a friend. The road your friend is on can be lonely, but you don't have to let them walk it alone. I'm sorry to hear what your friend is going through but it will get better. If you have questions feel free to dm me.

my best friend's dad just died and she called me out of nowhere to tell me and I don't know what to do