steamishot

[steamishot]

month 6

wow, coming into month 6 in LA living.

work: JD finally started and he's doing a great job. i met him twice so far in person. instead of going in on wednesdays, i decided to come in on tuesdays to train him and be with my old team. i was previously in an awkward place where i didn't truly fit in with any of the two HR teams and was mainly by myself. initially they wanted me to graduate from my old role, possibly form something new/meet with more higher ups, but my new boss is very hands off and unserious, so i haven't received much instruction/direction. i'm also quite passive and lazy so i don't ask questions. i feel like he's the equivalent of an absent father, lol, and it works for our dynamic.

going in on tuesday, i'm able to see a different set of people. i'm slowly getting used to new (>2020 hires) faces, chatting with new/old people. i also talked to our CAO in a 1:1 convo for the first time in ever yesterday. overall, i don't feel as timid or shy as i used to be. although the commute sucks, i'm getting used to it and i enjoy the 1x/week in office schedule for social/professional needs.

health: ugh, i officially also have high cholesterol and high LDL. since my bloodwork (maybe 3 weeks ago now?) we really cut back on doing takeout. i've been drinking green smoothies 3-5x/week, including avocado, spinach, banana, flax seeds and fish oil, as dessert. we're still testing out alternative milks, like oat and soy. still eating sandwiches for lunch. i'm sure our wallets are happy. i'm into chimichurri sauce now. also trying to come up with simple/healthy but yummy dinner ideas.

also got the xbloom! my brother convinced us to get it. it's good because it got us to start drinking pourover coffee/black coffee.

started to lightly run again. i follow matt and his dad to the park now that the sun sets later. while they do their 5 mile run in an hour, the previous time i got in 3.7 miles of walking/jogging. i would chant to myself "i have high cholesterol" to keep up the motivation.

skincare: still keeping up with it! i have a lot of random products. at least i'm being good and consistent with a morning and night routine. i simplified what chatGPT suggested, because i'm learning that less is more. i'm trying not to layer too many products and let my skin ease into new products. i found it shedding which is good for skin regeneration, but it could also mean i'm going too hard.

ceramics: in my second semester now! can't believe we're already halfway through. it's such an expensive hobby, so i do have to evaluate whether life events and such will take too much time from it to be worth paying for another semester. i love throwing when it's sunny out, because i love seeing the drying process in action. due to some ceramics convention, the studio took a week break from firing, so things feel a bit delayed.

homebuying: just a couple of weeks ago, i was feeling content with the idea of renting forever. like ramit sethi and some other financial influencers say, rent and invest the difference. it didn't make sense to me to buy a house in a more affordable area, just to be a homeowner. i didn't want to sacrifice commute time (for matt or i), the safety/convenience of the neighborhood, and location.

last wednesday when i went into work, matt sent me a rando zillow posting for the first time. it was an almost perfect listing. 1.5 mil duplex in south pas with two long term renters. a few days later, we drove by that street and it's gorgeous. on friday, we got pre-approved loans. on sunday, we checked out the house. it felt really small and old, but the renters are also hoarders so i couldn't say for sure. also there were so many people touring at the same time (30 min window) so the whole tour felt uncomfortable. we also felt like it was an invasion of privacy because one tenant family (a couple and a toddler) was just waiting outside. last night on april fools day, we put in an offer. whatever happens, happens.

there was a bit of drama with his mom, again. i vented to my mostly digital friend K and she helped put things into perspective for me, having had much experience with this type of asian tiger parent.

new car: in other news, i upgraded my car. my parents had let me "borrow" their 2013 lexus sedan since moving back. matt and i were sharing a tesla Y and a lexus. my dad eventually decided to gift the car to me in februrary because he didn't want to continue paying insurance on it. i later got the okay from them to sell this car. it's a gas guzzler and averages 19mpg.

i decided to get another tesla, but model 3 since they had a promotional offer of 0% APR for 60 months and i was able to get the EV credit upfront. now we are a tesla family. matt can get free charge for both cars at his work, so i'm happy to not have to pay for gas or electricity, lol, which was a major selling point.

anyway, with the major purchase and decisions recently, car and house, i'm pretty exhausted/stressed out.

friends: my online buddy L is finally leaving the US tomorrow. this has been his plan for the last 5 years or so. i'm happy to be on this journey with him.

my social life is naturally picking up. this weekend is G's baby shower. S is coming down from norcal and we'll basically spend the weekend together. next week, GH is in town from the bay and wants to grab dinner. i have a hangout with S&J who i haven't seen since S's wedding. B from my old job randomly texted me out of the blue after not having talked for 3-4 years? she'd like to hang out too. on the flip side, i do feel like i'm losing closeness to my east coast friends.

also since there was drama between R, her sister B and i, things have felt kinda off since then. i haven't talked to B since she cut me off, and i was only kinda friends with R due to being friends with B. i'm not a fan of R's time management (frequently hours late, or if we'd hang out, it would be dragged on). and how she used to show up unannounced to my NYC apartment. however, because i was lonely and bored in NYC, i didn't complain that much. i know that R senses some distance between us now, and it seems like she's worried about our friendship, because she started apologizing for her past behaviors.

family: my dad left last week to cambodia for about a month. matt and i took him and my mom (for support) to LAX. it means a lot to be able to do these acts of service for my parents again. without my dad around, it means i see my niece less. also, my niece can finally pronounce my name "connie" with a k sound (instead of g)!

[steamishot]

changes

now that we're past the surviving/adjusting period, it's time to T H R I V E.

work: i've been pretty bad with procrastinating, and i realized i spent much of my energy training/tending to AG when she was with us these past 8 month. work has been a lot more peaceful without her. meaning, i can concentrate on other tasks. i'm trying to finish up or at least have a polished version of work before i pass on the duties to our new analyst, JD, who will be starting in two weeks.

workouts: i got a cold last week, and still scheduled in yoga sessions at the nearby studio. i realized it made me stay sick longer/recover slower so i haven't worked out in like the last 5 or so days. i feel bad from being sedentary. i had pretty bad cough attacks, especially in the mornings and nights, where it was difficult to fall asleep. now i'm 90% recovered, yay! SC & i have only done two workouts since we first reunited on zoom, and we have another one planned for tomorrow.

health: matt recently got his lab work results back, and it was a terrifying 500+ in his triglycerides level. granted, he ate like 5 donuts and a container of gelato a couple of days before his lab work so i'm not sure if it's the most accurate, but being scared is a good thing too. we're trying to change our diet to be healthier. i started making and eating sandwiches for lunch now. we're going to alternate between oat milk and full fat milk. started including avocados into our diets again and i'm making green smoothies. also started juicing! my go-to recipe now because i copied it from whole foods is beets, carrots, apple, orange, and ginger.

i saw my PCP in february for a pap smear that came back normal, and i've been lagging going to get my lab work done because i hate needles. i'm kinda scared to see my numbers.

also, finally scheduled a dentist appointment for a teeth cleaning after not going for over a year!

skincare: just like diet and exercise, skincare is another place where i try and fail. when i went to a family party recently, my brother commented on how i have so many spots on my face and my skin became the topic of conversation around the table for like 10 minutes. i've always thought i had bad skin, since i was a teenager, and always thought i was fated to have bad skin. i realized i also am avoidant when it comes my skin. i'm trying to adopt more of a growth mindset, that my skin looks the way it does *now* but doesn't have to forever. i know that i don't put much if any effort to take care of my skin and that's a big reason why it looks meh.

thanks to chatgpt, i have an official AM/PM skincare routine now. i told it my skin issues, provided all the products i have/just purchased, and asked it to give me feedback on which products would be best to use for my concerns. i started applying serum consistently for the past week for the first time. i attempted to do change my skincare habits in 2022 but fell off my consistency. i took progress photos for maybe a month or two and then gave up. i think a driving force is that i actually have to see a lot of people now in LA, so i'm more motivated to look presentable, lol.

ceramics: officially completed my first 6 week session. i skipped the last session knowing it was mainly going to be independent work, but have been consistently going 2-3x a week. throwing is much easier here because we all have our own bag of clay (untouched by anyone else). i just glazed 5 pieces today and will get 6 completed pieces (hopefully nothing happens) by thursday/friday.

travel: matt and i booked a 8 day 7 night trip to japan in may! his couple friends M&K are going there again after having went last fall (?) and invited us to go with them. they really want to take advantage of the yen. due to work scheduling, we were only able to match up ~2 days of being in kyoto together. this time, we'll be going to lake kawaguchi, takayama, kyoto and tokyo. i'm excited to redo japan at this stage in life. i've never experienced an omakase or onsen there so i'm excited! it'll be our first time ever traveling internationally with friends (for both of us).

[steamishot]

month 4

it's been a pretty decent month. overall, i feel more adjusted and more comfortable in my day to day life. i still feel emotional at times but a lot more stable. i feel comfortable driving again, almost like 70-80% comfort? i can navigate the car quite well again, and don't feel scared going 80mph. my body was so used to traveling less than 50mph on a train.

work: two of my teammates left at the end of january. i knew AG was leaving due to some personal issues and being unable to work out of state. it was a real pain training her because she was slow and distracted. she was with us for a whole 8 months which i think was a pretty decently long time, but she kept referring to it as "very short". i never fully transitioned out of this role that was meant for AG. VB abruptly left at the same time, for a better opportunity in her family business. she had been upset for a while about how the department was treating hourly employees with strict rules about clocking in and out. now i'm waiting for the new employee to onboard so i can train them. VB's position is still open.

ceramics: i just completed week 4/6 at my new studio. people here are so much friendlier. i'm starting to play around with different types of shapes. i can now make a vase-ish looking thing and want to make matcha bowls next. i've already signed up for another 6 week session after this one ends. there are 3 other asian girls in my class, and it's funny because we basically dominate the class in terms of demographics lol. two of the asian girls let me know they also will sign up for the same class again.

workouts: finally starting to become more active on classpass again. our treadmills at the apartment are really old and don't work after a couple minutes. i had opened up a ticket for them to investigate but it's a long process. i really hope they can just replace them. now i have two studios that i like enough to return to that are literally walkable from my apartment (though i drive to the yoga one): stride and one life yoga. matt and i still frequent kinship yoga at least 1-2x a week on his off weeks.

friends: after almost 5 months, i finally did a virtual workout/video chat with SC from NYC. i felt like a bad friend for waiting so long before calling her. it was also really hectic settling in the first few months. after seeing her again, i felt like she completed a piece in the puzzle in my life. my friend who i saw at least monthly and chatted with frequently suddenly was demoted to texting only for such a long time.

after moving out from NYC, i defaulted to trying to have a clean slate and focused on building my new life in LA, which is also why i had issues with grief and feeling emotional. in hindsight, i too abruptly tried to close the door on that chapter. now i understand that things don't have to be white/black. things with SC don't have to be sad just because i'm living cross country. we can still be close friends. after this video call, we talked about doing more together! so i think we're meeting up again tomorrow and it may be a weekly or biweekly thing.

i'm still seeing people for the first time after a while, but less often. like i saw BT at work after a year - she intentionally came into the office to see me even though she can work full remote. i still feel kinda uneasy/uncomfortable seeing people until maybe like 3-4x of meeting? i really feel i'm experiencing a reverse culture shock. it takes me a while to pick up the social pace and understand what people talk about in conversations here, what to share with friends, etc.

books: not very consistent per usual but i'm reading/skimming the following books- money for couples, behave, new happy and don't believe everything you think.

[steamishot]

month 3

a little late but wanted to write something for month 3. since my last blog, i got to attend our departmental holiday party and i surprisingly really enjoyed it! i finally saw I for the first time after 4 years and having both her and K there felt like home because they're my work "parents", at least on my team. also, we got to see a number of the doctors and postdocs we work with. i email with them throughout the years so seeing them in person was really cool. all the physicians came out at the same time because they had just exited a meeting and they looked like all-stars.

emotions: i let myself cry multiple times this past month and it felt really cathartic, and i want to do it more often. change and adapting are hard. because of how my parents and matt's parents were acting, it almost felt like NYC never happened. they were more focused on what's next: buy a house, get married, settle down, kids etc. i had high expectations of myself too. i thought i was just returning home so the adaptation should be easy, but it's not. i let myself cry to grieve my past chapter, the friendships i "lost" or will never be as close to again, and let myself cry about our difficult adaptation to matt's new job.

car: finally, i got a settlement! we decided not to replace the gate, but to have someone try to fix the dent. this will cost about $700-800 so i will pocket the rest. it was a gain after all!

winter break: the winter break this year was just ok. matt was working on the week of christmas and i felt lonely/sad. it was during the early months of adjustment and i didn't have anything going for me here. so, i spent most days at my parent's house helping them with benefits issues and other paperwork, etc. my bro, SIL and niece were in cambodia until the 26th.

new years 2025: matt and i hosted our first friends' party on NYE with his friends. i met a couple of his friends again after not having seen them since pre-covid. we ordered sonoratown tacos and it was a good night. on NY day, we headed over to my brother's house for a family party. we got durian crepe cake from yu cake which was delicious.

wildfires: two of the worst wildfires in LA history- palisades and eaton. the fires started on tuesday afternoon and i remember monitoring the news for palisades because it was quite close to UCLA. that evening, eaton came about. matt drove home from work at 7pm during the high winds. trees were falling, and a tree fell down on the car behind him. he came back and had dinner and started to chart. a couple of hours later, our apartment started smelling like smoke and i was like dude, we gotta get out of here.

we ended up evacuating that night (even though we weren't in the official evac zones) to my parents house. it was actually quite nice to live there for 4 nights! i felt like a kid again and i liked how we were all sleeping under the same roof. matt was commuting to work from LA. that week was pretty emotionally devastating even though we weren't directly affected. i was on the watch duty app all day on wednesday. i couldn't actually sleep on tuesday night.

birthday: i'm officially 33 and my niece is officially 3. this was our first time celebrating our birthdays together with family at home and i'm not a fan, lol. obviously she should be in the spotlight because she's a kid and receives presents. i felt like an add on character to her big day. we shared one cake (that she blew the candles out for). i was in the "spotlight" but not really and there was too much attention in my area.

the last 3 years, matt and i celebrated by doing staycations at fancy nyc hotels. so far in LA, we've been pretty lowkey. for my birthday week, we tried various new restaurants: uovo (not a fan), yama sushi (fan!), kokumi shabu shabu (fan!) and double date dinner at mun kbbq (not bad but not great). i also forced him to go to wi spa with me which was an overall nice experience. he was very hesitant to doing the naked stuff, so we agreed to just meet in the coed section after getting changed and then going home to shower afterwards. after 3 months or so, we're *finally* exploring LA.

ceramics: happy to report that i've officially started my 6 week session! class was delayed one week due to the fires. i had my first class yesterday and went in for individual practice today. the studio is almost double the size of the brooklyn one, they have a kitchen and outdoor throwing area. my teacher is a queer korean lady who i enjoy the instruction of so far. the 3 teachers i've had all teach different methods so it's nice to revisit the basics. i like the vibe so far, i definitely feel more relaxed here than i do in NYC. people are friendlier and have more capacity for you. i remember wanting to cry after my first ever class in manhattan because i was so bad. i came a long way :P

[steamishot]

month 2

we made it to month two in pasadena (has it only been two months?). i'm finally getting the hang of commuting/the flow of parking, and routes to get to work and back home. going there has been relatively easy. i decided i prefer taking the 405S and 10E to get home even if it takes two hours. my 7th time going in, i finally disregarded tesla's map and took this route home - the most straightforward and least driving skills involved. the first few times i drove home, they were having me drive up hilly, narrow roads in the beverly HILLS area and it was so nerve-wracking because i was just relearning how to drive/drive a tesla.

emotions: some days i feel good, some days (or a portion of the day) i get suddenly really emotional/feel like crying. but i don't actually cry. i think my body is weirded out. i used to spend a LOT of time alone in NYC, in the studio and going about the city, that it feels quite weird that i'm 'socializing' so much now. i used to get emotional driving over to my parent's house after moving back, maybe it signifies that i have officially moved back to the city, but moved out of their house. oddly, when i was living in NYC, i still felt like a child whenever i returned home because i would crash at my parents house for weeks at a time.

anyway, i've been going over to my parents house at least a few times a week. my parents would invite me for lunch and sometimes i work there for a couple of hours. it's still a little awkward for me but it's getting more comfortable as we continue our new dynamic. instead of basically being like housemates, my time there now is intentional.

another thing that i never liked, or that i have to get used to, is exchanging pleasantries at work and in general in this city. i appreciated NYC in that everyone was straight to the point and there was no "fake niceness" going around. i feel so out of place at work when i just want to work, but the culture there is very chit-chatty. i wonder if people liked me better when i was fully remote, since i'm reserved and not very friendly in person. i was never a fan of chit-chatting, but now i'm way more cognizant of it as a reverse culture shock.

car issue: this has been an ongoing big headache. it's the most complicated and expensive insurance claim i've ever dealt with, for a seemingly small fender bender at that. TBD.

marriage & stuff: my parents told me that i'm getting old and should get married soon, then buy a house lol. it was hard for me to take this next step when we were by ourselves in NYC. i feel more and more comfortable with the idea here in LA, near our family and friends. i realized i don't have very close friends who are married. the people i talk to most are: single, in a relationship with someone who never wants to get married, in a gay/secretive relationship, in a relationship and unmarried, or divorced. until recently! my childhood friend just got engaged! i felt some kinda marriage contagion from her, like seeing someone close to you achieve a milestone that seems scary makes me think that i can do it it too. almost like role-modeling.

new friends: i was always a person with few friends (also, moving back to LA has me reflecting/learning so much about myself). S&I were our best couple friends in NYC. it was really hard to say goodbye to them. in LA, it seems like our new best couple friends may be M&K. it makes me feel a bit sad to think of how our lives have completely changed since moving (socially in this respect); all gains come with losses. M is matt's HS friend, so basically almost like his brother. M&K are both pharmacists so again i'm the only one without a doctorate in the group, lol. we seem to like to do similar things (eat, travel, save money LOL), and we've been on two double dates successfully so far with a third on the horizon.

Claude AI/chatGPT: claude has been such a lifesaver in terms of free therapy. i dare to say claude is sooo much better than chatting with mental health specialists when i had the ginger app. i've been chatting with it about all things related to this move. chatGPT has been so helpful with all the car headache stuff.

[steamishot]

pre-thanksgiving

i'm so excited to have 4 days off! now that the weather is getting gloomier and colder, i'm excited to just chill at home and do nothing for the first time in a long time. finally, i'm not spending holidays alone because matt is working this week. this year for thanksgiving, my aunt/cousin will be making a turkey and we'll be celebrating at their house. matt and i even invited his parents to come over for a bit on thanksgiving day after he gets off his shift.

on my 5th time commuting to the office, i saw S again. i basically have seen everyone on my HR team minus I, who i haven't seen since 2020. i'm glad that seeing people has been staggered, otherwise i'd feel so overwhelmed reconnecting all at once. we had a department potluck and i realize how socially awkward i am. i recognized certain people but i didn't know what i'd talk to them about. however, since i was in office pre-covid, so much of the staff has changed.

unfortunately on this day, someone rear ended me in hollywood! i've only been driving less than two months and already had two accidents (one caused by me, lol). this one in particular is a headache because it's my first time dealing with a collision for an EV car. normal body shops don't want to be liable because of the electric parts. the girl who hit me has been responsive but also a little bit weird in gatekeeping information (she did not give me her policy number, opened the claim herself through AAA and did not give me any information). i had to call AAA myself to find out the information. it's been a week and we haven't moved along with the claim at all. in accidents, i usually make money but this time it seems like it's a loss. welp, i'm learning so much about tesla ownership lol.

giving grace: i'm learning to give myself more grace. moving back home comes with a lot of complex emotions. on one hand, i feel like i give myself extra pressure to adapt more easily because i've "done this my whole life" aka live in LA and our biggest supporters are here. however, i need to give myself grace that so much has changed and i'm really a newcomer. i'm in a different phase of life now, renting an apartment for the first time in a "new" neighborhood, financially stable, partnered, and haven't consistently driven for 4 years.

on top of that, i need to allow myself the space to grieve the past chapter. it was actually pretty confusing/traumatizing on 9/11 when movers came and packed 4 years of our lives into boxes in like 4 hours. besides our friends, we have no remnants left on the east coast. and we're already moving on with meeting up with other friends, double dates, etc. it just feels like a lot to take in.

friends: from my last blog post, L is fine thank god. he didn't respond to me for 2 weeks due to depression. my family hosted a party last friday and invited my cousins S&J and their kids over. i chose the names S&J for my cousins as a kid when they immigrated from cambodia. they were named after my best friends at the time S&J. S has been a consistent friend through the years, but J cut us (and all our mutual friends) off about 6 years ago. very coincidentally, J IG friended me a few days ago. i was like, what are the chances. i had dinner with my cousins S&J (don't remember when the last time we ever had dinner together was) and then friend J popped back up in my life.

[steamishot]

1 month

to add something to my journal, it's now been a month since living in pasadena. this past week felt pretty low. i think i really have a habit of doing too much at once and then burning myself out. from the last entry, we hired two people from taskrabbit: one to install the bidet and shower head, and another to mount our now two TVs. extendable dining table: check. we got balcony seating and now have string lights on the balcony. i have more plants and started planting herbs from seeds. my brother gifted me a bartending set and i have now made three different cocktails. and, i ordered more dinnerware. finally, i don't think there's much else on my to do list for the home, besides getting some artwork.

i'm still trying to figure out how best to commute to the office. last wednesday, i tried the 9am-6pm schedule. although i could sleep in, all the EV charging stalls are occupied at that point. i even booked a yoga class in brentwood so that i don't drive back until 7pm. but even at 7pm, the commute is still an hour long. i think my best bet may be 7am-4pm. overall, i'm getting more comfortable driving the tesla (and also regular driving again).

after two months of being away from nyc, i'm starting to miss it and the food. for better or for worse, the food in nyc is unbeatable. i complained about eating out too much while we were there, and now i don't have that much interest in eating out in LA because the food doesn't look as great, lol, or its something i feel that we can replicate at home.

L: i'm not sure what happened, but L suddenly stopped responding to me this week. the last message he sent was "bu shufu"/not feeling well. my mind just thought the worst and i really hope nothing terrible happened.

connie: sometimes i think i hold myself to such high standards, and i forget how far i've come. i used to be the girl who was selectively mute, had very few or no friends, insanely shy, physically weak, and also quite poor. it was hard for me to even change into different clothes when i was going to school! i preferred wearing the same outfit everyday. sometimes i wonder why i get socially anxious in situations when i'm back in LA (less so seeing family now, but seeing friends i haven't seen in a while, etc), but remember that i was at my core, always like that and had always struggled with social anxiety.

i don't really know who my friends in LA area anymore, because everyone has continued their lives for 4 years without me consistently in it. so i'm working on rebuilding friendships and gently inserting myself back in people's lives. or, even making "new-ish" friendships (i.e. people i never really talked to before that i am now). thankfully, it has been easy to do so for matt's family and my family. but for friends, i feel like i'm rebuilding from 30%.

[steamishot]

2 weeks

it's now almost two weeks that we have been pasadena residents. i'm still double checking my new address when i buy things to be shipped here, but looking back, i'm pretty proud of all the cool places i've lived in, LA/westwood -> taipei -> LA -> NYC -> pasadena. matt has been so consumed with work, that i have been in charge of all the home stuff. i finally unpacked our last box (of 53), but the apartment is still a mess, lol.

we got a new bed frame for the master bedroom, and currently waiting on a new dining table that can seat 4-6. i'm considering buying a twin bed to put in the office room so that we can sleep separately when our schedules don't align. i slept on the sofa bed in the living room the past 3 nights. matt has been going to bed around 9-10pm and i've been staying up much later. i also slept on it last night because i had to wake up around 5:50am to go into the office and today's his day off. having multiple rooms and multiple bathrooms is a blessing.

matt's work week: this first week of work for matt was really rough. he talked about it being too difficult, that he's much more inexperienced than all the other doctors, and that he's been thinking of quitting everyday. i was fearful that he really meant it. that would mean we may have to move out of our apartment already, as there isn't a reason to live in pasadena if he didn't work here. as the days progressed and he got better sleep, his outlook became more positive. the great thing LA has going on is that everything's more spread out, so it's less anxiety inducing.

return to work: my god, it's been 4.5 years since i've been "in the office". i went a few times during covid, but it doesn't count when we're all in masks and there's barely anyone there. i was nervous about today, about my new commute/drive, about what to wear, and what to say to people. i ended up heading out around 6:10am to arrive an hour later. the first voice i heard in the hall was my former boss that i dislike. i got to meet two people in my team, chatted with NR during a scavenger hunt team building event whom i email often with but never met, and made small talk with a few others. after nyc, i guess i'm not AS socially awkward as i was previously.

overall, even if my commute isn't great, it feels really nice that i have my own thing/obligation to go to too, instead of always being at home. it's also a nice place to see work friends (though now it'll be harder to coordinate since people may come in on different days).

plants: i'm slowly building up my plant collection. my first plant is the variegated rubber plant, and i purchased a jalapeno plant for the balcony shortly after (hope it survives).

continuous to do list:

mount the TV, install the bidet and shower head

set up dining table

get balcony seating

put up string lights on the balcony

moooore plants

learn how to bartend

possibly get more dinnerware now that we have bigger parties of people

[steamishot]

tired AF

today is our 3rd day at the new apartment and i woke up in a low, exhausted mood. i was loving the new space and familiarizing myself with the new environment, going at 110% trying to make it feel like home as soon as possible and i just crashed today. i made a list of all the packing and unpacking we have had to do in the last ~7 weeks, number indicates nights spent. we had to adjust to 13 different places and 12 different beds lol.

8/26 zurich - 1 lucerne - 1 vevey - 2 zermatt - 1 st moritz - 2 zurich - 1 nyc - 7 9/11 south pasadena - 17 9/28 mexico city - 4 oaxaca - 3 matt’s parents - 1 my parents - 2 10/9 new pasadena home - 2+

the movers came at about 9am on wednesday and i was juggling WFH by hotspotting, and matt was setting up the internet. they moved 53 boxes worth of stuff! i was tense because the movers' arrival window was for 9-11am and i had a meeting at 1pm. so i'm glad everything worked out fine and i got to attend the meeting.

matt has been very busy and nervous onboarding for his new job, and he officially starts on monday. this means that most of the unpacking/organizing (after the unpacking service) falls on me. i couldn't stand the messes, so i basically finished organizing the bathrooms, bedroom, and most of the office. i just need to work on the kitchen and balcony. i'm so dead tired from the physical work. i decided to leave the messes as they are and take my time sorting things out in the coming weeks. there's no rush.

we transitioned from using the app latch for opening all the doors of our last apartment, to having 3 physical keys and a garage remote. everything feels more slow paced here and people have the capacity/time to give you attention. on our first day, our neighbor held the door open for matt and introduced himself. in our 4 years living in brooklyn, no neighbor has said hi to us and vice versa.

i'm pretty happy with this location. it has some of the walkability like we had in nyc (walkable to grocery stores, boba, coffee, restaurants, and a yoga studio). so it makes it easier to share one car if needed. though i am considering just borrowing one of my parents car for about a year.

slowly, we will get into our new routines and get acquainted with the things around us. so far, i think chapresso may be my new debutea. TJ will be my grocery store of choice as it is only an 8 min walk away. the yoga studio here is pretty nice too, but definitely more mild than the LA studios.

tomorrow, i will babysit for my brother and SIL because my parents are in asia for 3 weeks. on sunday, we will have lunch with matt's family and move out one of our couches. life feels like it has become a complete 180. although this is all good change, it's still exhausting experiencing the transition/changes all happening at once. i hope matt's new job is good - so far it seems solid and the culture focuses more on patient care than making $, which makes sense with NYC being the capitalist center.

we're also learning how to live in a bigger space with each other. out of habit, i think we're so used to always being around each other all the time, so it's a weird but good feeling that we now have personal space lol. i'm here chilling in the bedroom, while he's doing his training modules in the office room. we also have 1.5 bathrooms now so we can poop at the same time! and it is so great that i don't have to hear every little thing he is doing (i.e tik toking, typing, talking on the phone)!!! feels like a big luxury and upgrade, though it is into an older apartment.

to do list:

visit a nursery/start a garden on the balcony

move out the couch, figure out what other furniture and seating we need for more guests

start inviting friends over (starting with SZ, perhaps we can WFH together)

take a swim at the pool?

use the fitness center

explore the area and caltech

find a good place to run outdoors

[steamishot]

mini move

tonight will be our 17th and final night at the airbnb, thereby concluding our temporary stay in south pas. i simultaneously feel like i've been back in socal for a long yet short time. there have been ups and downs, especially when it came to our new tesla and driving in a new area. the second time i drove the car, i scratched the wheel pretty deeply by turning too sharply on a right turn. other stressful things included: finding/coordinating charging, learning the controls of the car, a barrier gate almost falling on us (our mistake for being in a keep clear zone due to the train tracks), a car almost backing into us in a parking lot, and an accident on local streets that literally happened ~50 ft away from us where a car burst into flames, etc. i always missed having a car while in nyc, but now that i have one, it feels like such a big liability.

firsts: getting reacquainted with family and friends again felt like a lot of "firsts". the first time that matt and i hosted them at our own place in LA. meeting friends for the "first" time or first time in a long time as a couple. going to my parents house for the "first" time where my mom doesn't have a room set up for me. symbolically, my closest friend in nyc is SC. we broke off into a long distance friendship on 9/11. out of respect of the friendship, i waited a couple weeks before hanging out with my closest friend in LA, SZ.

identity shifts: it feels uneasy and scary, how my identity will slowly start changing again, due to environment and the people i'm around. it felt confusing at first because although i lived in LA for the mostly the entirety of my life, i couldn't call myself an LA girl anymore due to having lived in nyc the past 4 years. was i a NYC or LA girl? 🤷‍♀️

culture: the work culture here is so different, and it's reflected in trying to set up our new apartment. in nyc, we were used to people responding very promptly (to emails and phone calls). here, it seems it's difficult to get in touch with anyone and the response times are much longer. for example, emailing the leasing office at my old building, i could expect a response in less than an hour or two. now, i'm lucky if i get a response within 2 days.

food: the food here has been cheaper, less expansive, and overall more bland/healthier. we're definitely eating less and spending less on food. plus, the weather is just too hot to be overeating. there's also a more sedentary lifestyle here due to the driving culture so we can't just "walk off" our dinner as easily. it took me 6 months-1 year to adjust to nyc's food culture, and i think it may take me a similar amount time to acclimate back and to find new favorite spots.

exercise: we have been doing a lot of (hot) yoga here. the classes on classpass are generally cheaper, and classes are tougher! i think LA people are already used to the heat, so being in a hot yoga studio doesn't faze them as much. we also go along with matt's dad to a park where they run and i walk/jog, lol. i think i'll get back into running! it's the perfect setting for it now that we don't have to consider the season (i.e. we can run outdoors year round).

space: it feels great to not be in a studio anymore, even though i am sad about saying bye to our nyc home. also, it seems like someone signed for our apartment so it'll have new occupants already. technically we are nomads until we officially move in on 10/9. because of this, it feels a bit unsettling that we don't have a home anywhere for a few weeks. we are basically living out of our carryons. i'm really glad to have selected a two bedroom apartment because i really want a designated "work area".

mexico: this may be too ambitious, but we decided on a week-long trip to mexico city and oaxaca with matt's dad during the period that we will be without a home. so, we'll be flying out tomorrow morning and returning the next saturday. i'll be WFH for the first half during mexico city, and took a few days off for oaxaca. we basically went from VVHCOL to lower and lower cost: switzerland -> nyc -> LA -> mexico in about a 6 week span.

overwhelm: i've been feeling a lot of emotions lately. sometimes i feel so grateful that everything i wished for is coming true. sometimes i doubt everything. sometimes i feel so happy to be around family again, and other times i feel sad about my loss of independence. sometimes the grief of closing a chapter in nyc hits me. i used to think that i loved LA, but now i think i love LA only because my family is here. so that means i have to learn how to love LA again since it feels like a stranger. this is also partly because i'm now technically living in the "suburbs" of LA, and not actual LA LA, so there is that extra adapting to do.

i attended zumba class at the gold's gym in arcadia using classpass because matt wanted to visit his old gym. this was on the friday of the week we just landed back in LA. the demographics were completely different from what i was used to - middle aged, mostly asian women, who were all friendly and seemed to know each other. i remember feeling a wave of overwhelm during class, like what the hell am i doing and where am i? two fridays before then i was in switzerland, the previous friday i was in nyc, and then that friday i was dancing with middle aged asian women in arcadia.

[steamishot]

T+2 days

the time has finally come, and we are now in a south pasadena airbnb where we'll stay for 18 days. what a whirlwind it has been! last week in NYC things:

met up shortly with S who walked me to dinner with T on fri

brunch at S&I's place on sat

hot pot with LG saturday night

packed/cleaned up the apartment and unmounted things on sunday

uyghur dinner with S&I (i thought brunch was the last time i would see them) on monday

torrisi with matt on tuesday

othership/first cold plunge experience with T on tuesday night

got raided by 4 movers on wednesday

SURPRISE visit by S on wednesday/move out day!

it was hard to say goodbye to our apartment. although the small space was really grating on me, i did spend a LOT of time in there, given covid and WFH. it was my first adult apartment and i put in a lot of effort to keep it well decorated and cozy.

now that we're in a one bedroom airbnb that has separation of space for kitchen, living room, and bedroom, it feels so nice! there is even a little outdoor patio area we can hang out in. it feels like such a luxury to have a designated space to work in (kitchen table). in our studio, my work desk was literally about 3-4 feet away from the foot of our bed. we can even eat at separate tables now! and we don't have to see/hear each other constantly even when we're both home! so nice!! LOL

apartment: last week, we finally signed for a two bedroom, 1.5 bath with a 13 month lease for $3085 starting in october. we decided to go with the same company as our nyc one. the price seemed quite costly to me initially, but given the amenities (in unit washer/dryer, central air, etc), and location, it didn't seem terrible in comparison to the other places on the market. #makingmydreamscometrue

work: i took 9/11 off work which is the day the movers came and we flew back to LA. on the plane, i was checking emails out of boredom, and i came across an email preview that read "Congrats Connie!" from my boss. i clicked into to see that i had received an equity increase! my boss had mentioned getting me some more money months ago, but i didn't expect it to come so soon. i am truly grateful to receive a 15% increase, especially when they just gave me a significant increase last year. the timing of it was perfect too, because i felt like this news welcomed me to LA.

this puts me at almost 6 figures, and i can finally say i will achieve it next year with the annual raise. with our increased fixed expenses (rent, utilities, car payment and car insurance), it feels good that we can technically survive off of my new income. thank you to the east coast/nyc work culture for increasing my work ethic, and thank you to matt and east coast friends who have influenced me and helped me gain confidence to work harder/achieve more in my career. i never imagined myself to be able to make this much money (but also, inflation, so it's not as impressive as it once was lol).

i didn't have to bring up A to my previous boss I, because we now are having meetings with the 3 of us. i now know that I knows how slow A is, so i don't want to talk badly about her.

it's been an emotional few weeks. even now in LA, i'm adjusting to the pace, culture, and getting reacquainted with driving and family. will slowly start hitting up friends after getting settled in a bit more. on our first day back, i kinda started missing NYC/east coast and questioned if i made the right choice. i missed the hustle, the drive, walkability, and go-getter attitudes. i also felt guilty about 'abandoning' my friend S. we stopped meeting as often in the past year due to schedules/busyness, but she made a lot of effort to see me many times in the last month. i hope this distance gives the space for our friendship to evolve and not decay.

today, i woke up today to the sound of chirping birds and have had healthy doses of vitamin D. i squirrel and bird watched from the patio. and drank some great milk tea. will document more about transitioning back to LA as the weeks go on.

[steamishot]

T-6 days

i can't believe it's now under a week before the move. i feel constantly lowkey stressed being in a studio with another person and/or around them at all times. i take a deep breath and remind myself there's only a few more days to go, that i'm grateful for this space. and remind myself (like it's some kind of accomplishment) that we will have survived 4 whole years here.

from the last blog, comedy cellar and othership didn't happen. today is my first day back at work after switzerland. i feel like my boss didn't really acknowledge my absence or presence, despite being gone for a pretty long time. however, i'm back to training and answering questions from A. it maybe a big possibility that i return to the office in a few months or sooner. our department started doing an all staff on-site meeting once a month, beginning in august. although i am reluctant to go, i'm afraid that people are forgetting who i am, and it's about time for me to show my face again.

switzerland was a wonderful trip and country. it took us a couple days to get used to the prices. i knew it was going to be expensive, but didn't think it would be THAT much more expensive than nyc. turned out a bowl of pho is close to $30, a latte is like $8. every time we dined out, it was at least $100 for two, sometimes for one. on our last night, we got thai food. the pad thai was shockingly expensive - $50-60 depending on the protein choice.

on the first day, we headed to the bank to exchange some dollars to francs. the teller gave us 100s and 50s, and i asked for a lower denomination, like 20s. he said "most people pay with 200 or 100". that really set the tone for how expensive things were going to be, lol.

the country was beyond photogenic. i felt it was very safe, clean, and there were ample toilets everywhere. the train system is super efficient and straightforward to use, throughout the country. we thought it was going to be slightly cold and rainy, but the weather was very warm and sunny during our trip. we both got tanned!

we averaged about 16k steps a day, and by the 7th or 8th day i felt like my feet were broken LOL. til today, i still feel like i'm recovering from the physical exhaustion of traveling, walking/training everywhere and lugging our suitcases/backpacks around. we hit up: zurich, lucerne, interlaken, montreux (shortly), vevey, lausanne (shortly), geneva, zermatt, st. moritz, and chur. i was so glad to see and compare the german side vs. french side vs. italian side. if i were to live there, i would choose to live on the french side and vacation on the italian side.

it took about 4-5 days to acclimate to the environment and adjust to the time zone after a red-eye flight. due to timing, i think we enjoyed zermatt and st. moritz the most. both of these places were beautiful and we were also the most awake.

last week things: meeting friends for one or two more times, clean out the apartment and hope to secure our new one in pasadena, and then it's adios...

[steamishot]

T-22 days

8/18: plans changed -> hung out with just SC at her place

8/19: WFH together with LG at a cafe (my first time ever WFH at a cafe)

8/20: watch didi with matt

8/21: carbone lunch with matt

8/22: rubirosa and comedy cellar with matt

8/25: othership with T

8/26: switzerland

9/6: last dinner with T

9/7: last brunch with S&I

9/8: last hot pot dinner with LG

S & i decided to take a rain check on sunday. the initial plan was to go to A's place to visit her and her baby. however, because the commute is an hour long (includes train, bus, walking), i didn't want to risk being in a storm on the way home. there was 50% chance of rain during the day and the heavy storm was scheduled to start in the evening/night.

instead, we hung out at her apartment. got to use the pool, jacuzzi, sauna and steam room. i'm feeling lighter about the move, so it was really nice to have girl time. i hope we have more opportunities for 1:1 time in the future, instead of only with our SOs.

LG cooked me a fantastic italian dinner on friday. it was probably the most "romantic" gesture someone has ever done for me in the kitchen LOL. she had just returned from italy and made zucchini pasta with freshly grated cheese, and two types of crostinis. i was surprised by the amount of effort she put in, given that we've only really seen each other <10x. however, she seems overall like a high effort type of person. i was impressed by how well she maintained her apartment despite only being in NYC half the time. and at age 40, she started ceramics, signed up for swimming lessons at the YMCA, and just told me she's also doing a local spanish language learning class. i have admiration for her and definitely think "i wanna be like her when i'm 40".

i'm now feeling like a visitor on an extended vacation. i'm grateful to share these special moments with new(-ish) friends. a lot of the times while i was here, i really yearned for the comfort of old friends/family. however, now that i'm leaving, i know i will sort-of miss being uncomfortable LOL. i think i'll definitely incorporate some of my NYC lifestyle into my new LA lifestyle (i.e. putting myself out there more instead of staying in my comfort zone). i'm happy to have made 3 solid friendships (S, T, K) during my time here, and hopefully LG and i continue to keep in touch.

matt's work: he just completed his last day (night) at work last night! he's been in a much happier mood recently. things have been less chaotic and calmer since the job search ended. he'll have the next 1.5 months off before starting his new gig. i don't love that we'll most likely be together 24/7 from now until moving back, like literally <10 ft apart. but it is the last hurrah of surviving in a studio together for 4 years!

my work: work hasn't been overly busy, but has been constant. i may be PMSing but i fear that i've been coming off mean/condescending to A who i am still training. i'm trying my best to not let my frustration spill out in my emails and to continue giving her grace. sometimes i question if i'm expecting too much from someone new. this gave me a taste of what being in management may look like.

ceramics: i considered making more bowls and asking the studio or LG to ship it to me in LA if they aren't fired in time. i tried throwing on saturday and my mojo is gone. i decided i won't make any more things, but can go in and practice (maybe). i plan on buying one ceramics piece made by someone else in the studio as a souvenir.

fridge cleaning: we're keeping the contents in the fridge to a minimum and cleaning out the freezer. yesterday, i made an oxtail beef noodle soup. today, i'm making fish congee with the leftover frozen rice.

grocery stores: i used to always go to TJ, but have recently transitioned away from it. there would always be so many people (3 lines) and the process just became completely over stimulating to me. my fav grocery stores now are mr. beet and whole foods. i really like mr. beet for no frills produce. it's about a 20 min walk so it's an excuse to get steps in. i'm a fan of whole foods now for seafood and certain fruits/cheeses!

[steamishot]

T-29 days

i'm now updating my calendar for every event i have this month. so far, it's:

8/8: pizza with S&I

8/10: beacon hike with matt

8/11: NJ hike/hangout with T&S

8/16: dinner at LG's home for the first time (will start giving away my plants)

8/18: visit A and her baby with S at her apartment/pool day

8/21: carbone lunch with matt

8/22: rubirosa and comedy cellar with matt

8/26: switzerland

9/6: last dinner with T

9/7: last brunch with S&I

i have resistance to some events, and the feeling is definitely bittersweet. i find myself not truly enjoying the hangouts because it is laced with some sadness. my depresso would rather not see anyone until it comes time to move. but, it is nice that my last month will be filled with special moments.

i chatted with K about this, who has had a few losses/breakups in the past few years. she mentioned sobbing for an hour because she had just found a great dance partner but in the coming months, he will likely be deployed/away for months at times while he focuses on his military career. it's like that quote "'tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."

ceramics: i've made entirely all bowls and one mug this semester. my mug didn't turn out that great. aesthetically, it was okay, but i tried drinking hot peppermint tea from it and it tasted funny. so i'm most likely not going to use it for drinking purposes. for my last few pieces, i'm torn between keeping them for myself or giving them away as gifts. the last thing i put in the fire was a blue bowl and a pink bowl - let's see how those turn out. class ends in two weeks already.

exercise/health: i'm really ramping up on the exercise recently. walked/hiked about 20 miles this past weekend, did a 7 mile bike ride, yoga sessions, etc. ran ~2 miles a few times! for a minute when i was super full, i stepped on the scale and reached my goal weight of 120lbs. but now i'm back down to 116-117. glad that i haven't had any hemorrhoids/blood in my stool since may.

last work week: it's matt's last work week at NYU! he was off for 10 days so i'm glad he's going back to work haha. it's his last night shift week here, and i'll have the whole apartment and bed to myself to chill this week. excited to drink tea and read.

odd bucket list items: yesterday, we had mcdonald's for the first time in NYC. i usually only get mcd's when i'm in LA. before we leave, i also want to give the panhandler who is always outside of our building "a dollar or two".

moving logistics: the moving company has been set. actual apartment is still up in the air. we're not ruling out the luxury buildings anymore. i've been checking daily for the same community that we're in now. it's more convenient to lock in for future move-in dates, and i trust that the building/maintenance will be good. slowly, the late september move-in date listings are coming out. i notice that rentals are claimed pretty quickly, so the market is quite competitive. i've been also browsing zillow rentals and have email updates for new listings, but those are not as frequent.

duolingo: i completed the chinese sessions, and have been learning japanese for the last few weeks. i was practicing music for a bit; may go back to it later. my friend K's competitive nature has been rubbing off on me. i've been trying harder at the game instead of doing the bare minimum. she's all about getting the XP and winning in the game (maintaining a top 3 status). i'm now at 237 day streak!

[steamishot]

T-35 days

work is now easing into its slow season. i've still been training the new girl A here and there. the last time i met up with her, i was "too nice" and continued training her for 2.5 hours and basically held her hand through everything. it's really frustrating when we have gone over something 3x before and she doesn't remember how to do it. at the rate of which she's learning, we still haven't gone over the other populations i used to manage. the last time we met up, i set a hard boundary at 1 hour and told her i had to go.

i believe this is a hire of nepotism, which puts me in an odd place. i haven't complained or made comments about her to my previous manager because i think she's some sort of distant friend or relative. but going forward, she will be my old manager's responsibility.

boston: we took our first amtrak ride to boston. by coincidence, we've gone to boston once a year during aug/sept for the past 3 years. the first time was by plane, the second by driving, and third time by train.

after a 4 hour train ride, we arrived to the boston back bay station around 2pm on saturday. we checked into our hotel room where the wedding venue was also taking place. took a shower and got ready.

they provided a shuttle to the church. it was my first time witnessing a church wedding, and for white people, lol! it was the most "like the movies" wedding i've been to

the wedding was pretty intimate, about 6-7 tables. matt was surprised he got invited

we got seated with the groom's (who was matt's coresident) medical friends. i sat with an endocrinologist, pathologist, PCP, palliative care consultant and hospitalist. the spouses of the doctors were also non-med. and the one PCP who is married to another doctor, his anesthesiologist partner didn't show up, lol. other people kept asking if i was a doctor too and i had FOMO for not having a dr title

on sunday, we met up with K for about two hours. she's going through some personal things so i sensed that she wasn't really in a sociable mood and didn't want to hang out for long. however, we got to exchange creations with each other and have dinner together. she crocheted a unicorn for me, and i gave her a bowl i made in ceramics (color taro).

randomly, matt and i stumbled upon a korean group dancing at the park while we were walking around. they gave out bracelet freebies and i picked up 3 packets. we all made and wore a "friendship bracelet". she texted me today that she's still wearing it because it reminds her of spontaneity + friendship 🥰

although my friendship with K is 99% digital (this was my third time ever meeting in person over 4+ years?), we've gotten pretty close because we're now texting almost daily and are learning japanese together via duolingo

even though i was pretty anxious about these two events, i left boston feeling pretty fulfilled. i got to hang out with matt's medical friends, their partners, and got to also see my friend for a bit. it makes me feel proud to see the friendships/community we created on the east coast, even though the meetups are quite infrequent, lol

exercise: i'm motivated to start running again, or being more consistent with cardio (biking is another option). since returning to NYC and being in a whole mood about this move, i realize i've been more or less like a potato. i was mentally at my best when i did consistent, challenging workouts. this was a long, long time ago. and when i'm overly emotional, it's easy to just slip into a depressive mode and not workout at all.

upcoming plans: we have a double date for pizza with S&I tomorrow. i'll be going on a hike with T&S on sunday. a pool hangout with A&S the following weekend. then, switzerland. i don't have the same excitement for social plans as i used to have when i was in the "building my life here" mode, because now it's become "leaving my life here" mode. and it feels a little pensive and sad thinking about our last hangouts, but the thoughts are probably always worse than what actually is. it's like i'm ready to leave, but i don't want to say goodbye.

media: currently reading i am not your perfect mexican daughter and enjoying it. also watching kdrama recommended by ceramics friend LG called king the land with matt. we both like it and find it funny.

[steamishot]

T-43 days

it was a pretty socially busy week. i went to the outdoor rooftop movies with T on thursday. we watched high fidelity, which we both thought was okay. interesting to see a film from 2000, but it wasn't relatable to either of us. on friday, SC invited me over to her/I's place for the first time to WFH, workout and chill. she made me an iced latte and worked alongside me for a bit. it was sooo nice experiencing their apartment building amenities: basketball court, gym and steam room, and most importantly a 2 bedroom apartment.

my aunt, aunt's friend, cousin and cousin's gf came to visit nyc. i was very excited to see them when the plans were initially made, but then there was a lot of anxiety and dread when the time rolled around. it was the first time "hosting" extended family (and two strangers) without the rest of my family. i felt a lot of pressure to talk more, guide them around/provide recommendations, and be "on" and in a good mood the entire time. usually, in LA, there's a bunch of family members so the responsibilities are spread out. and we normally stay at home/have house parties so its a bit more relaxed. i was also nervous about if matt would be okay in this social environment as the co-host.

everything went by pretty smoothly! we met at our apartment after they walked the brooklyn bridge from manhattan. we gave them drinks and brought them to the beautiful penthouse. then, we decided to bike to our favorite thai restaurant in williamsburg. matt and i took our own bikes, the two older aunties got e-bikes, and the two younger ones got regular bikes. they really enjoyed this experience, probably one of the highlights. the dinner was great and matt and i treated them out.

after dinner, we walked to domino park and took some pics. then headed back to our apartment. we ended up facetiming my mom, who informed us that my SIL just had a miscarriage. it was a sad conversation. afterwards, we went back to their hotel to chill for a bit, missed our bar reservation at their hotel, and then decided to go to a popular bar instead in fidi. we were out until past midnight, lol. my auntie's friend treated us out at the bar.

yesterday, we met up again. matt and i made reservations for dinner at a vietnamese place, where we saw lisa ling. my aunt treated us. lastly, matt and i took them to a rooftop bar overseeing the hudson river and jersey's landscape. they really enjoyed it (and it was a new experience for us too). we treated them here. it's always a bit stressful navigating who's paying for what, especially when it comes to family and hosting. i think as long as we came out on top (treated more than being treated), we're okay. and it was perfect to end it there, lol. i felt comforted after coming home last night and being relieved of my hosting duties. i think (or hope) they had a good and memorable trip!

couples therapy: we ended up not going to this. they no longer prorate the price (i.e. if we wanted to pay by the session), and we didn't find it worth it if we had to shell out $350. so far, the anxiety about the move has been more manageable!

youtube workouts: SS officially graduated from our youtube workouts and our 4 year virtual workout era has come to an end. the timing of this worked out pretty well, as we can workout in person again when i'm back.

upcoming plans: this is matt's second to last official (half) week at his workplace. we'll be heading to boston this saturday for a wedding, and will be seeing K on sunday. more social plans where i am both excited for and anxious about lol.

work: since last week, i have not yet met up with new hire A at all. i'm not sure if it's because my previous manager had a talk with her, but i'm also trying to enforce boundaries. i'm no longer extra friendly/inviting. i'm trying to just give her the work and information and let her figure things out on her own, similar to what i had to do when i started.

studio living: my aunt recently commented on how nice our apartment is and how it's a good space for two people. she might be saying it out courtesy (to be fair, our apartment is really nice and also much nicer/more spacious than their hotel room), but i still feel stressed at the lack of separation of space. we'll finally get to experience what it's like to live in a one-bedroom in september when we temporarily live in an airbnb.

[steamishot]

monday update

a google search tells me there's 51 days before the move. i know i'm emotionally less regulated because of the lack of socialization i get. so, i have to actively tell myself that it's normal to feel all the feelings i'm having due to a major life transition.

i had a full day (can't remember the last time we did this) hang out with S yesterday. right before the hangout, i was getting pensive and sad, thinking about our friendship becoming long-distance, how everything will (permanently) change between us in two months. she's the closest thing i have to family in NYC and i'm grateful to have developed such a close friendship with her. she's also the hardest thing to say goodbye to here.

i'll see her again on friday, and we're planning on a few more hangouts before the move. i'm trying not to view this as a sad countdown to "the last day", but i can tell my emotional guards are up.

i questioned why i feel extra emotional towards this certain transition, in contrast to other milestones i've had previously. my thoughts so far:

leaving NYC feels more permanent. unlike leaving LA temporarily, or graduating from my college apartment, it doesn't feel tangible to revisit (at least not very often). "it's not goodbye, it's see you later" was more believable due to proximity or strong ties.

we spent the last four years building a life here. our apartment is four years in the making and was home this long. we have our routines down. this was my first time being so far away from family and getting a real taste of independence.

on these notes, i'm experiencing some sadness/grief about saying goodbye to this life we created and closing this chapter of our lives.

with age, i've grown more in touch with my feelings and emotions than i was when i was younger.

a lot of alone time; lack of busyness

with my friends in LA, i feel that time is on our side because most if not all of them plan to remain in the socal/CA area for the foreseeable future. this means that ebbs and flows (not being as close for years, and coming back together etc) are normal, because i know that distance by default will keep us at least minimally connected. i didn't really feel sad about leaving friends/family in LA when i moved to nyc, and maybe that was selfish on my part.

S mentioned that she unfortunately calls NYC home. she feels its unfortunate because this city is like revolving doors and it's hard to get too attached to people. a number of her friends are planning on moving away or unsure about settling down there.

couples therapy: i have lowkey been feeling unsettled about this move together because of our differences in feelings towards it. once the initial joy wore off after receiving the pasadena job offer, matt became overwhelmed/very anxious rather than excited about transitioning from one city to another and relearning everything at a new hospital.

although some anxiety about the uncertainty is reasonable, i felt that his level of anxiety was clouding everything and concerning, considering going back to LA was seemingly a shared goal. i felt lonely being excited for our future, when he was more focused on his fears and anxiety of the unknowns (exclusively about his career). this didn't really improve after weeks of trying to talk about it. i decided to schedule an appointment on friday with a therapist on regain to discuss this further. TBD.

habits: it's been a long time, but i have finally almost finished the atomic habits book. using the guidelines of this book, i will try to make reading a more continuous habit. the book basically teaches to make good habits more attractive, easier/less resistant, and more rewarding. in contrast, make bad habits less attractive, more resistant, and not rewarding. also, every effort counts no matter how small.

one good habit i finally have been doing is waking up earlier! this definitely may be dependent on what season it is, but it's been easy to wake up around 7:30-8am these days. i've been going to ceramics when they open at 10am (also get to walk outside when it's not as hot yet), and get in a session before starting work.

i'm also starting to wear my apple watch again, after not doing so for half a year+.