steamishot

[steamishot]

1 month

to add something to my journal, it's now been a month since living in pasadena. this past week felt pretty low. i think i really have a habit of doing too much at once and then burning myself out. from the last entry, we hired two people from taskrabbit: one to install the bidet and shower head, and another to mount our now two TVs. extendable dining table: check. we got balcony seating and now have string lights on the balcony. i have more plants and started planting herbs from seeds. my brother gifted me a bartending set and i have now made three different cocktails. and, i ordered more dinnerware. finally, i don't think there's much else on my to do list for the home, besides getting some artwork.

i'm still trying to figure out how best to commute to the office. last wednesday, i tried the 9am-6pm schedule. although i could sleep in, all the EV charging stalls are occupied at that point. i even booked a yoga class in brentwood so that i don't drive back until 7pm. but even at 7pm, the commute is still an hour long. i think my best bet may be 7am-4pm. overall, i'm getting more comfortable driving the tesla (and also regular driving again).

after two months of being away from nyc, i'm starting to miss it and the food. for better or for worse, the food in nyc is unbeatable. i complained about eating out too much while we were there, and now i don't have that much interest in eating out in LA because the food doesn't look as great, lol, or its something i feel that we can replicate at home.

L: i'm not sure what happened, but L suddenly stopped responding to me this week. the last message he sent was "bu shufu"/not feeling well. my mind just thought the worst and i really hope nothing terrible happened.

connie: sometimes i think i hold myself to such high standards, and i forget how far i've come. i used to be the girl who was selectively mute, had very few or no friends, insanely shy, physically weak, and also quite poor. it was hard for me to even change into different clothes when i was going to school! i preferred wearing the same outfit everyday. sometimes i wonder why i get socially anxious in situations when i'm back in LA (less so seeing family now, but seeing friends i haven't seen in a while, etc), but remember that i was at my core, always like that and had always struggled with social anxiety.

i don't really know who my friends in LA area anymore, because everyone has continued their lives for 4 years without me consistently in it. so i'm working on rebuilding friendships and gently inserting myself back in people's lives. or, even making "new-ish" friendships (i.e. people i never really talked to before that i am now). thankfully, it has been easy to do so for matt's family and my family. but for friends, i feel like i'm rebuilding from 30%.

[steamishot]

2 weeks

it's now almost two weeks that we have been pasadena residents. i'm still double checking my new address when i buy things to be shipped here, but looking back, i'm pretty proud of all the cool places i've lived in, LA/westwood -> taipei -> LA -> NYC -> pasadena. matt has been so consumed with work, that i have been in charge of all the home stuff. i finally unpacked our last box (of 53), but the apartment is still a mess, lol.

we got a new bed frame for the master bedroom, and currently waiting on a new dining table that can seat 4-6. i'm considering buying a twin bed to put in the office room so that we can sleep separately when our schedules don't align. i slept on the sofa bed in the living room the past 3 nights. matt has been going to bed around 9-10pm and i've been staying up much later. i also slept on it last night because i had to wake up around 5:50am to go into the office and today's his day off. having multiple rooms and multiple bathrooms is a blessing.

matt's work week: this first week of work for matt was really rough. he talked about it being too difficult, that he's much more inexperienced than all the other doctors, and that he's been thinking of quitting everyday. i was fearful that he really meant it. that would mean we may have to move out of our apartment already, as there isn't a reason to live in pasadena if he didn't work here. as the days progressed and he got better sleep, his outlook became more positive. the great thing LA has going on is that everything's more spread out, so it's less anxiety inducing.

return to work: my god, it's been 4.5 years since i've been "in the office". i went a few times during covid, but it doesn't count when we're all in masks and there's barely anyone there. i was nervous about today, about my new commute/drive, about what to wear, and what to say to people. i ended up heading out around 6:10am to arrive an hour later. the first voice i heard in the hall was my former boss that i dislike. i got to meet two people in my team, chatted with NR during a scavenger hunt team building event whom i email often with but never met, and made small talk with a few others. after nyc, i guess i'm not AS socially awkward as i was previously.

overall, even if my commute isn't great, it feels really nice that i have my own thing/obligation to go to too, instead of always being at home. it's also a nice place to see work friends (though now it'll be harder to coordinate since people may come in on different days).

plants: i'm slowly building up my plant collection. my first plant is the variegated rubber plant, and i purchased a jalapeno plant for the balcony shortly after (hope it survives).

continuous to do list:

mount the TV, install the bidet and shower head

set up dining table

get balcony seating

put up string lights on the balcony

moooore plants

learn how to bartend

possibly get more dinnerware now that we have bigger parties of people

[steamishot]

tired AF

today is our 3rd day at the new apartment and i woke up in a low, exhausted mood. i was loving the new space and familiarizing myself with the new environment, going at 110% trying to make it feel like home as soon as possible and i just crashed today. i made a list of all the packing and unpacking we have had to do in the last ~7 weeks, number indicates nights spent. we had to adjust to 13 different places and 12 different beds lol.

8/26 zurich - 1 lucerne - 1 vevey - 2 zermatt - 1 st moritz - 2 zurich - 1 nyc - 7 9/11 south pasadena - 17 9/28 mexico city - 4 oaxaca - 3 matt’s parents - 1 my parents - 2 10/9 new pasadena home - 2+

the movers came at about 9am on wednesday and i was juggling WFH by hotspotting, and matt was setting up the internet. they moved 53 boxes worth of stuff! i was tense because the movers' arrival window was for 9-11am and i had a meeting at 1pm. so i'm glad everything worked out fine and i got to attend the meeting.

matt has been very busy and nervous onboarding for his new job, and he officially starts on monday. this means that most of the unpacking/organizing (after the unpacking service) falls on me. i couldn't stand the messes, so i basically finished organizing the bathrooms, bedroom, and most of the office. i just need to work on the kitchen and balcony. i'm so dead tired from the physical work. i decided to leave the messes as they are and take my time sorting things out in the coming weeks. there's no rush.

we transitioned from using the app latch for opening all the doors of our last apartment, to having 3 physical keys and a garage remote. everything feels more slow paced here and people have the capacity/time to give you attention. on our first day, our neighbor held the door open for matt and introduced himself. in our 4 years living in brooklyn, no neighbor has said hi to us and vice versa.

i'm pretty happy with this location. it has some of the walkability like we had in nyc (walkable to grocery stores, boba, coffee, restaurants, and a yoga studio). so it makes it easier to share one car if needed. though i am considering just borrowing one of my parents car for about a year.

slowly, we will get into our new routines and get acquainted with the things around us. so far, i think chapresso may be my new debutea. TJ will be my grocery store of choice as it is only an 8 min walk away. the yoga studio here is pretty nice too, but definitely more mild than the LA studios.

tomorrow, i will babysit for my brother and SIL because my parents are in asia for 3 weeks. on sunday, we will have lunch with matt's family and move out one of our couches. life feels like it has become a complete 180. although this is all good change, it's still exhausting experiencing the transition/changes all happening at once. i hope matt's new job is good - so far it seems solid and the culture focuses more on patient care than making $, which makes sense with NYC being the capitalist center.

we're also learning how to live in a bigger space with each other. out of habit, i think we're so used to always being around each other all the time, so it's a weird but good feeling that we now have personal space lol. i'm here chilling in the bedroom, while he's doing his training modules in the office room. we also have 1.5 bathrooms now so we can poop at the same time! and it is so great that i don't have to hear every little thing he is doing (i.e tik toking, typing, talking on the phone)!!! feels like a big luxury and upgrade, though it is into an older apartment.

to do list:

visit a nursery/start a garden on the balcony

move out the couch, figure out what other furniture and seating we need for more guests

start inviting friends over (starting with SZ, perhaps we can WFH together)

take a swim at the pool?

use the fitness center

explore the area and caltech

find a good place to run outdoors

[steamishot]

mini move

tonight will be our 17th and final night at the airbnb, thereby concluding our temporary stay in south pas. i simultaneously feel like i've been back in socal for a long yet short time. there have been ups and downs, especially when it came to our new tesla and driving in a new area. the second time i drove the car, i scratched the wheel pretty deeply by turning too sharply on a right turn. other stressful things included: finding/coordinating charging, learning the controls of the car, a barrier gate almost falling on us (our mistake for being in a keep clear zone due to the train tracks), a car almost backing into us in a parking lot, and an accident on local streets that literally happened ~50 ft away from us where a car burst into flames, etc. i always missed having a car while in nyc, but now that i have one, it feels like such a big liability.

firsts: getting reacquainted with family and friends again felt like a lot of "firsts". the first time that matt and i hosted them at our own place in LA. meeting friends for the "first" time or first time in a long time as a couple. going to my parents house for the "first" time where my mom doesn't have a room set up for me. symbolically, my closest friend in nyc is SC. we broke off into a long distance friendship on 9/11. out of respect of the friendship, i waited a couple weeks before hanging out with my closest friend in LA, SZ.

identity shifts: it feels uneasy and scary, how my identity will slowly start changing again, due to environment and the people i'm around. it felt confusing at first because although i lived in LA for the mostly the entirety of my life, i couldn't call myself an LA girl anymore due to having lived in nyc the past 4 years. was i a NYC or LA girl? 🤷‍♀️

culture: the work culture here is so different, and it's reflected in trying to set up our new apartment. in nyc, we were used to people responding very promptly (to emails and phone calls). here, it seems it's difficult to get in touch with anyone and the response times are much longer. for example, emailing the leasing office at my old building, i could expect a response in less than an hour or two. now, i'm lucky if i get a response within 2 days.

food: the food here has been cheaper, less expansive, and overall more bland/healthier. we're definitely eating less and spending less on food. plus, the weather is just too hot to be overeating. there's also a more sedentary lifestyle here due to the driving culture so we can't just "walk off" our dinner as easily. it took me 6 months-1 year to adjust to nyc's food culture, and i think it may take me a similar amount time to acclimate back and to find new favorite spots.

exercise: we have been doing a lot of (hot) yoga here. the classes on classpass are generally cheaper, and classes are tougher! i think LA people are already used to the heat, so being in a hot yoga studio doesn't faze them as much. we also go along with matt's dad to a park where they run and i walk/jog, lol. i think i'll get back into running! it's the perfect setting for it now that we don't have to consider the season (i.e. we can run outdoors year round).

space: it feels great to not be in a studio anymore, even though i am sad about saying bye to our nyc home. also, it seems like someone signed for our apartment so it'll have new occupants already. technically we are nomads until we officially move in on 10/9. because of this, it feels a bit unsettling that we don't have a home anywhere for a few weeks. we are basically living out of our carryons. i'm really glad to have selected a two bedroom apartment because i really want a designated "work area".

mexico: this may be too ambitious, but we decided on a week-long trip to mexico city and oaxaca with matt's dad during the period that we will be without a home. so, we'll be flying out tomorrow morning and returning the next saturday. i'll be WFH for the first half during mexico city, and took a few days off for oaxaca. we basically went from VVHCOL to lower and lower cost: switzerland -> nyc -> LA -> mexico in about a 6 week span.

overwhelm: i've been feeling a lot of emotions lately. sometimes i feel so grateful that everything i wished for is coming true. sometimes i doubt everything. sometimes i feel so happy to be around family again, and other times i feel sad about my loss of independence. sometimes the grief of closing a chapter in nyc hits me. i used to think that i loved LA, but now i think i love LA only because my family is here. so that means i have to learn how to love LA again since it feels like a stranger. this is also partly because i'm now technically living in the "suburbs" of LA, and not actual LA LA, so there is that extra adapting to do.

i attended zumba class at the gold's gym in arcadia using classpass because matt wanted to visit his old gym. this was on the friday of the week we just landed back in LA. the demographics were completely different from what i was used to - middle aged, mostly asian women, who were all friendly and seemed to know each other. i remember feeling a wave of overwhelm during class, like what the hell am i doing and where am i? two fridays before then i was in switzerland, the previous friday i was in nyc, and then that friday i was dancing with middle aged asian women in arcadia.

[steamishot]

T+2 days

the time has finally come, and we are now in a south pasadena airbnb where we'll stay for 18 days. what a whirlwind it has been! last week in NYC things:

met up shortly with S who walked me to dinner with T on fri

brunch at S&I's place on sat

hot pot with LG saturday night

packed/cleaned up the apartment and unmounted things on sunday

uyghur dinner with S&I (i thought brunch was the last time i would see them) on monday

torrisi with matt on tuesday

othership/first cold plunge experience with T on tuesday night

got raided by 4 movers on wednesday

SURPRISE visit by S on wednesday/move out day!

it was hard to say goodbye to our apartment. although the small space was really grating on me, i did spend a LOT of time in there, given covid and WFH. it was my first adult apartment and i put in a lot of effort to keep it well decorated and cozy.

now that we're in a one bedroom airbnb that has separation of space for kitchen, living room, and bedroom, it feels so nice! there is even a little outdoor patio area we can hang out in. it feels like such a luxury to have a designated space to work in (kitchen table). in our studio, my work desk was literally about 3-4 feet away from the foot of our bed. we can even eat at separate tables now! and we don't have to see/hear each other constantly even when we're both home! so nice!! LOL

apartment: last week, we finally signed for a two bedroom, 1.5 bath with a 13 month lease for $3085 starting in october. we decided to go with the same company as our nyc one. the price seemed quite costly to me initially, but given the amenities (in unit washer/dryer, central air, etc), and location, it didn't seem terrible in comparison to the other places on the market. #makingmydreamscometrue

work: i took 9/11 off work which is the day the movers came and we flew back to LA. on the plane, i was checking emails out of boredom, and i came across an email preview that read "Congrats Connie!" from my boss. i clicked into to see that i had received an equity increase! my boss had mentioned getting me some more money months ago, but i didn't expect it to come so soon. i am truly grateful to receive a 15% increase, especially when they just gave me a significant increase last year. the timing of it was perfect too, because i felt like this news welcomed me to LA.

this puts me at almost 6 figures, and i can finally say i will achieve it next year with the annual raise. with our increased fixed expenses (rent, utilities, car payment and car insurance), it feels good that we can technically survive off of my new income. thank you to the east coast/nyc work culture for increasing my work ethic, and thank you to matt and east coast friends who have influenced me and helped me gain confidence to work harder/achieve more in my career. i never imagined myself to be able to make this much money (but also, inflation, so it's not as impressive as it once was lol).

i didn't have to bring up A to my previous boss I, because we now are having meetings with the 3 of us. i now know that I knows how slow A is, so i don't want to talk badly about her.

it's been an emotional few weeks. even now in LA, i'm adjusting to the pace, culture, and getting reacquainted with driving and family. will slowly start hitting up friends after getting settled in a bit more. on our first day back, i kinda started missing NYC/east coast and questioned if i made the right choice. i missed the hustle, the drive, walkability, and go-getter attitudes. i also felt guilty about 'abandoning' my friend S. we stopped meeting as often in the past year due to schedules/busyness, but she made a lot of effort to see me many times in the last month. i hope this distance gives the space for our friendship to evolve and not decay.

today, i woke up today to the sound of chirping birds and have had healthy doses of vitamin D. i squirrel and bird watched from the patio. and drank some great milk tea. will document more about transitioning back to LA as the weeks go on.

[steamishot]

T-6 days

i can't believe it's now under a week before the move. i feel constantly lowkey stressed being in a studio with another person and/or around them at all times. i take a deep breath and remind myself there's only a few more days to go, that i'm grateful for this space. and remind myself (like it's some kind of accomplishment) that we will have survived 4 whole years here.

from the last blog, comedy cellar and othership didn't happen. today is my first day back at work after switzerland. i feel like my boss didn't really acknowledge my absence or presence, despite being gone for a pretty long time. however, i'm back to training and answering questions from A. it maybe a big possibility that i return to the office in a few months or sooner. our department started doing an all staff on-site meeting once a month, beginning in august. although i am reluctant to go, i'm afraid that people are forgetting who i am, and it's about time for me to show my face again.

switzerland was a wonderful trip and country. it took us a couple days to get used to the prices. i knew it was going to be expensive, but didn't think it would be THAT much more expensive than nyc. turned out a bowl of pho is close to $30, a latte is like $8. every time we dined out, it was at least $100 for two, sometimes for one. on our last night, we got thai food. the pad thai was shockingly expensive - $50-60 depending on the protein choice.

on the first day, we headed to the bank to exchange some dollars to francs. the teller gave us 100s and 50s, and i asked for a lower denomination, like 20s. he said "most people pay with 200 or 100". that really set the tone for how expensive things were going to be, lol.

the country was beyond photogenic. i felt it was very safe, clean, and there were ample toilets everywhere. the train system is super efficient and straightforward to use, throughout the country. we thought it was going to be slightly cold and rainy, but the weather was very warm and sunny during our trip. we both got tanned!

we averaged about 16k steps a day, and by the 7th or 8th day i felt like my feet were broken LOL. til today, i still feel like i'm recovering from the physical exhaustion of traveling, walking/training everywhere and lugging our suitcases/backpacks around. we hit up: zurich, lucerne, interlaken, montreux (shortly), vevey, lausanne (shortly), geneva, zermatt, st. moritz, and chur. i was so glad to see and compare the german side vs. french side vs. italian side. if i were to live there, i would choose to live on the french side and vacation on the italian side.

it took about 4-5 days to acclimate to the environment and adjust to the time zone after a red-eye flight. due to timing, i think we enjoyed zermatt and st. moritz the most. both of these places were beautiful and we were also the most awake.

last week things: meeting friends for one or two more times, clean out the apartment and hope to secure our new one in pasadena, and then it's adios...

[steamishot]

T-22 days

8/18: plans changed -> hung out with just SC at her place

8/19: WFH together with LG at a cafe (my first time ever WFH at a cafe)

8/20: watch didi with matt

8/21: carbone lunch with matt

8/22: rubirosa and comedy cellar with matt

8/25: othership with T

8/26: switzerland

9/6: last dinner with T

9/7: last brunch with S&I

9/8: last hot pot dinner with LG

S & i decided to take a rain check on sunday. the initial plan was to go to A's place to visit her and her baby. however, because the commute is an hour long (includes train, bus, walking), i didn't want to risk being in a storm on the way home. there was 50% chance of rain during the day and the heavy storm was scheduled to start in the evening/night.

instead, we hung out at her apartment. got to use the pool, jacuzzi, sauna and steam room. i'm feeling lighter about the move, so it was really nice to have girl time. i hope we have more opportunities for 1:1 time in the future, instead of only with our SOs.

LG cooked me a fantastic italian dinner on friday. it was probably the most "romantic" gesture someone has ever done for me in the kitchen LOL. she had just returned from italy and made zucchini pasta with freshly grated cheese, and two types of crostinis. i was surprised by the amount of effort she put in, given that we've only really seen each other <10x. however, she seems overall like a high effort type of person. i was impressed by how well she maintained her apartment despite only being in NYC half the time. and at age 40, she started ceramics, signed up for swimming lessons at the YMCA, and just told me she's also doing a local spanish language learning class. i have admiration for her and definitely think "i wanna be like her when i'm 40".

i'm now feeling like a visitor on an extended vacation. i'm grateful to share these special moments with new(-ish) friends. a lot of the times while i was here, i really yearned for the comfort of old friends/family. however, now that i'm leaving, i know i will sort-of miss being uncomfortable LOL. i think i'll definitely incorporate some of my NYC lifestyle into my new LA lifestyle (i.e. putting myself out there more instead of staying in my comfort zone). i'm happy to have made 3 solid friendships (S, T, K) during my time here, and hopefully LG and i continue to keep in touch.

matt's work: he just completed his last day (night) at work last night! he's been in a much happier mood recently. things have been less chaotic and calmer since the job search ended. he'll have the next 1.5 months off before starting his new gig. i don't love that we'll most likely be together 24/7 from now until moving back, like literally <10 ft apart. but it is the last hurrah of surviving in a studio together for 4 years!

my work: work hasn't been overly busy, but has been constant. i may be PMSing but i fear that i've been coming off mean/condescending to A who i am still training. i'm trying my best to not let my frustration spill out in my emails and to continue giving her grace. sometimes i question if i'm expecting too much from someone new. this gave me a taste of what being in management may look like.

ceramics: i considered making more bowls and asking the studio or LG to ship it to me in LA if they aren't fired in time. i tried throwing on saturday and my mojo is gone. i decided i won't make any more things, but can go in and practice (maybe). i plan on buying one ceramics piece made by someone else in the studio as a souvenir.

fridge cleaning: we're keeping the contents in the fridge to a minimum and cleaning out the freezer. yesterday, i made an oxtail beef noodle soup. today, i'm making fish congee with the leftover frozen rice.

grocery stores: i used to always go to TJ, but have recently transitioned away from it. there would always be so many people (3 lines) and the process just became completely over stimulating to me. my fav grocery stores now are mr. beet and whole foods. i really like mr. beet for no frills produce. it's about a 20 min walk so it's an excuse to get steps in. i'm a fan of whole foods now for seafood and certain fruits/cheeses!

[steamishot]

T-29 days

i'm now updating my calendar for every event i have this month. so far, it's:

8/8: pizza with S&I

8/10: beacon hike with matt

8/11: NJ hike/hangout with T&S

8/16: dinner at LG's home for the first time (will start giving away my plants)

8/18: visit A and her baby with S at her apartment/pool day

8/21: carbone lunch with matt

8/22: rubirosa and comedy cellar with matt

8/26: switzerland

9/6: last dinner with T

9/7: last brunch with S&I

i have resistance to some events, and the feeling is definitely bittersweet. i find myself not truly enjoying the hangouts because it is laced with some sadness. my depresso would rather not see anyone until it comes time to move. but, it is nice that my last month will be filled with special moments.

i chatted with K about this, who has had a few losses/breakups in the past few years. she mentioned sobbing for an hour because she had just found a great dance partner but in the coming months, he will likely be deployed/away for months at times while he focuses on his military career. it's like that quote "'tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."

ceramics: i've made entirely all bowls and one mug this semester. my mug didn't turn out that great. aesthetically, it was okay, but i tried drinking hot peppermint tea from it and it tasted funny. so i'm most likely not going to use it for drinking purposes. for my last few pieces, i'm torn between keeping them for myself or giving them away as gifts. the last thing i put in the fire was a blue bowl and a pink bowl - let's see how those turn out. class ends in two weeks already.

exercise/health: i'm really ramping up on the exercise recently. walked/hiked about 20 miles this past weekend, did a 7 mile bike ride, yoga sessions, etc. ran ~2 miles a few times! for a minute when i was super full, i stepped on the scale and reached my goal weight of 120lbs. but now i'm back down to 116-117. glad that i haven't had any hemorrhoids/blood in my stool since may.

last work week: it's matt's last work week at NYU! he was off for 10 days so i'm glad he's going back to work haha. it's his last night shift week here, and i'll have the whole apartment and bed to myself to chill this week. excited to drink tea and read.

odd bucket list items: yesterday, we had mcdonald's for the first time in NYC. i usually only get mcd's when i'm in LA. before we leave, i also want to give the panhandler who is always outside of our building "a dollar or two".

moving logistics: the moving company has been set. actual apartment is still up in the air. we're not ruling out the luxury buildings anymore. i've been checking daily for the same community that we're in now. it's more convenient to lock in for future move-in dates, and i trust that the building/maintenance will be good. slowly, the late september move-in date listings are coming out. i notice that rentals are claimed pretty quickly, so the market is quite competitive. i've been also browsing zillow rentals and have email updates for new listings, but those are not as frequent.

duolingo: i completed the chinese sessions, and have been learning japanese for the last few weeks. i was practicing music for a bit; may go back to it later. my friend K's competitive nature has been rubbing off on me. i've been trying harder at the game instead of doing the bare minimum. she's all about getting the XP and winning in the game (maintaining a top 3 status). i'm now at 237 day streak!

[steamishot]

T-35 days

work is now easing into its slow season. i've still been training the new girl A here and there. the last time i met up with her, i was "too nice" and continued training her for 2.5 hours and basically held her hand through everything. it's really frustrating when we have gone over something 3x before and she doesn't remember how to do it. at the rate of which she's learning, we still haven't gone over the other populations i used to manage. the last time we met up, i set a hard boundary at 1 hour and told her i had to go.

i believe this is a hire of nepotism, which puts me in an odd place. i haven't complained or made comments about her to my previous manager because i think she's some sort of distant friend or relative. but going forward, she will be my old manager's responsibility.

boston: we took our first amtrak ride to boston. by coincidence, we've gone to boston once a year during aug/sept for the past 3 years. the first time was by plane, the second by driving, and third time by train.

after a 4 hour train ride, we arrived to the boston back bay station around 2pm on saturday. we checked into our hotel room where the wedding venue was also taking place. took a shower and got ready.

they provided a shuttle to the church. it was my first time witnessing a church wedding, and for white people, lol! it was the most "like the movies" wedding i've been to

the wedding was pretty intimate, about 6-7 tables. matt was surprised he got invited

we got seated with the groom's (who was matt's coresident) medical friends. i sat with an endocrinologist, pathologist, PCP, palliative care consultant and hospitalist. the spouses of the doctors were also non-med. and the one PCP who is married to another doctor, his anesthesiologist partner didn't show up, lol. other people kept asking if i was a doctor too and i had FOMO for not having a dr title

on sunday, we met up with K for about two hours. she's going through some personal things so i sensed that she wasn't really in a sociable mood and didn't want to hang out for long. however, we got to exchange creations with each other and have dinner together. she crocheted a unicorn for me, and i gave her a bowl i made in ceramics (color taro).

randomly, matt and i stumbled upon a korean group dancing at the park while we were walking around. they gave out bracelet freebies and i picked up 3 packets. we all made and wore a "friendship bracelet". she texted me today that she's still wearing it because it reminds her of spontaneity + friendship 🥰

although my friendship with K is 99% digital (this was my third time ever meeting in person over 4+ years?), we've gotten pretty close because we're now texting almost daily and are learning japanese together via duolingo

even though i was pretty anxious about these two events, i left boston feeling pretty fulfilled. i got to hang out with matt's medical friends, their partners, and got to also see my friend for a bit. it makes me feel proud to see the friendships/community we created on the east coast, even though the meetups are quite infrequent, lol

exercise: i'm motivated to start running again, or being more consistent with cardio (biking is another option). since returning to NYC and being in a whole mood about this move, i realize i've been more or less like a potato. i was mentally at my best when i did consistent, challenging workouts. this was a long, long time ago. and when i'm overly emotional, it's easy to just slip into a depressive mode and not workout at all.

upcoming plans: we have a double date for pizza with S&I tomorrow. i'll be going on a hike with T&S on sunday. a pool hangout with A&S the following weekend. then, switzerland. i don't have the same excitement for social plans as i used to have when i was in the "building my life here" mode, because now it's become "leaving my life here" mode. and it feels a little pensive and sad thinking about our last hangouts, but the thoughts are probably always worse than what actually is. it's like i'm ready to leave, but i don't want to say goodbye.

media: currently reading i am not your perfect mexican daughter and enjoying it. also watching kdrama recommended by ceramics friend LG called king the land with matt. we both like it and find it funny.

[steamishot]

T-43 days

it was a pretty socially busy week. i went to the outdoor rooftop movies with T on thursday. we watched high fidelity, which we both thought was okay. interesting to see a film from 2000, but it wasn't relatable to either of us. on friday, SC invited me over to her/I's place for the first time to WFH, workout and chill. she made me an iced latte and worked alongside me for a bit. it was sooo nice experiencing their apartment building amenities: basketball court, gym and steam room, and most importantly a 2 bedroom apartment.

my aunt, aunt's friend, cousin and cousin's gf came to visit nyc. i was very excited to see them when the plans were initially made, but then there was a lot of anxiety and dread when the time rolled around. it was the first time "hosting" extended family (and two strangers) without the rest of my family. i felt a lot of pressure to talk more, guide them around/provide recommendations, and be "on" and in a good mood the entire time. usually, in LA, there's a bunch of family members so the responsibilities are spread out. and we normally stay at home/have house parties so its a bit more relaxed. i was also nervous about if matt would be okay in this social environment as the co-host.

everything went by pretty smoothly! we met at our apartment after they walked the brooklyn bridge from manhattan. we gave them drinks and brought them to the beautiful penthouse. then, we decided to bike to our favorite thai restaurant in williamsburg. matt and i took our own bikes, the two older aunties got e-bikes, and the two younger ones got regular bikes. they really enjoyed this experience, probably one of the highlights. the dinner was great and matt and i treated them out.

after dinner, we walked to domino park and took some pics. then headed back to our apartment. we ended up facetiming my mom, who informed us that my SIL just had a miscarriage. it was a sad conversation. afterwards, we went back to their hotel to chill for a bit, missed our bar reservation at their hotel, and then decided to go to a popular bar instead in fidi. we were out until past midnight, lol. my auntie's friend treated us out at the bar.

yesterday, we met up again. matt and i made reservations for dinner at a vietnamese place, where we saw lisa ling. my aunt treated us. lastly, matt and i took them to a rooftop bar overseeing the hudson river and jersey's landscape. they really enjoyed it (and it was a new experience for us too). we treated them here. it's always a bit stressful navigating who's paying for what, especially when it comes to family and hosting. i think as long as we came out on top (treated more than being treated), we're okay. and it was perfect to end it there, lol. i felt comforted after coming home last night and being relieved of my hosting duties. i think (or hope) they had a good and memorable trip!

couples therapy: we ended up not going to this. they no longer prorate the price (i.e. if we wanted to pay by the session), and we didn't find it worth it if we had to shell out $350. so far, the anxiety about the move has been more manageable!

youtube workouts: SS officially graduated from our youtube workouts and our 4 year virtual workout era has come to an end. the timing of this worked out pretty well, as we can workout in person again when i'm back.

upcoming plans: this is matt's second to last official (half) week at his workplace. we'll be heading to boston this saturday for a wedding, and will be seeing K on sunday. more social plans where i am both excited for and anxious about lol.

work: since last week, i have not yet met up with new hire A at all. i'm not sure if it's because my previous manager had a talk with her, but i'm also trying to enforce boundaries. i'm no longer extra friendly/inviting. i'm trying to just give her the work and information and let her figure things out on her own, similar to what i had to do when i started.

studio living: my aunt recently commented on how nice our apartment is and how it's a good space for two people. she might be saying it out courtesy (to be fair, our apartment is really nice and also much nicer/more spacious than their hotel room), but i still feel stressed at the lack of separation of space. we'll finally get to experience what it's like to live in a one-bedroom in september when we temporarily live in an airbnb.

[steamishot]

monday update

a google search tells me there's 51 days before the move. i know i'm emotionally less regulated because of the lack of socialization i get. so, i have to actively tell myself that it's normal to feel all the feelings i'm having due to a major life transition.

i had a full day (can't remember the last time we did this) hang out with S yesterday. right before the hangout, i was getting pensive and sad, thinking about our friendship becoming long-distance, how everything will (permanently) change between us in two months. she's the closest thing i have to family in NYC and i'm grateful to have developed such a close friendship with her. she's also the hardest thing to say goodbye to here.

i'll see her again on friday, and we're planning on a few more hangouts before the move. i'm trying not to view this as a sad countdown to "the last day", but i can tell my emotional guards are up.

i questioned why i feel extra emotional towards this certain transition, in contrast to other milestones i've had previously. my thoughts so far:

leaving NYC feels more permanent. unlike leaving LA temporarily, or graduating from my college apartment, it doesn't feel tangible to revisit (at least not very often). "it's not goodbye, it's see you later" was more believable due to proximity or strong ties.

we spent the last four years building a life here. our apartment is four years in the making and was home this long. we have our routines down. this was my first time being so far away from family and getting a real taste of independence.

on these notes, i'm experiencing some sadness/grief about saying goodbye to this life we created and closing this chapter of our lives.

with age, i've grown more in touch with my feelings and emotions than i was when i was younger.

a lot of alone time; lack of busyness

with my friends in LA, i feel that time is on our side because most if not all of them plan to remain in the socal/CA area for the foreseeable future. this means that ebbs and flows (not being as close for years, and coming back together etc) are normal, because i know that distance by default will keep us at least minimally connected. i didn't really feel sad about leaving friends/family in LA when i moved to nyc, and maybe that was selfish on my part.

S mentioned that she unfortunately calls NYC home. she feels its unfortunate because this city is like revolving doors and it's hard to get too attached to people. a number of her friends are planning on moving away or unsure about settling down there.

couples therapy: i have lowkey been feeling unsettled about this move together because of our differences in feelings towards it. once the initial joy wore off after receiving the pasadena job offer, matt became overwhelmed/very anxious rather than excited about transitioning from one city to another and relearning everything at a new hospital.

although some anxiety about the uncertainty is reasonable, i felt that his level of anxiety was clouding everything and concerning, considering going back to LA was seemingly a shared goal. i felt lonely being excited for our future, when he was more focused on his fears and anxiety of the unknowns (exclusively about his career). this didn't really improve after weeks of trying to talk about it. i decided to schedule an appointment on friday with a therapist on regain to discuss this further. TBD.

habits: it's been a long time, but i have finally almost finished the atomic habits book. using the guidelines of this book, i will try to make reading a more continuous habit. the book basically teaches to make good habits more attractive, easier/less resistant, and more rewarding. in contrast, make bad habits less attractive, more resistant, and not rewarding. also, every effort counts no matter how small.

one good habit i finally have been doing is waking up earlier! this definitely may be dependent on what season it is, but it's been easy to wake up around 7:30-8am these days. i've been going to ceramics when they open at 10am (also get to walk outside when it's not as hot yet), and get in a session before starting work.

i'm also starting to wear my apple watch again, after not doing so for half a year+.

[steamishot]

T-2 months

it's now officially under two months until the big move. i can't wait. until then, there are three events to look forward to: my texan aunt and cousin visiting NYC, going to boston for a fancy whipipo wedding (my first ever) and seeing K again, and lastly, switzerland.

the 4 weeks of matt's jury duty flew by. by the last week, we had to really coordinate being out of the apartment at different times so that each person could get alone time. i would go to the lounge or ceramics when he was at home. when he was at jury duty, i would be home. he finally returns to the hospital tomorrow. he only has 2.5 more week shifts to go before its the end of this NYU era.

ceramics: lately, i've been trying to go to ceramics like 4-5x/week. i'm getting the hang of throwing things one day, trimming the next, and putting it to fire as soon as possible. even if the pieces are imperfect, i just throw them in there. i have received six pieces back so far and they're much bigger and more usable than the ones i made at my first japanese studio. i recently just made my first mug (wheel throwing for the body and handbuilding for the handle) using a not neutral latte cup for inspiration. hopefully it also comes out usable. ceramics friend LG is out of town for the month of july, but i'll see her for a little bit in august.

work: in the last 1.5 weeks or so, i've been spending 1-2 hours per day with the new hire A. in the beginning, i *felt* (but obviously did not show it) very frustrated and impatient because she was really slow. sometimes i would show her things one day, and she would not recognize it the next day. she would come off as overwhelmed with all the different types of trainings she did. when we went over different systems, it seemed she had no prior knowledge of it despite completing the trainings. anyway, i appreciate that this year, i get to teach instead of do. and i must say that it is rewarding once she actually gets it. this is also the MOST time i've ever spent with a colleague, so in a sense, it does help me feel more connected to my work.

NYC: i can appreciate NYC and the hustle and bustle of this city in increments, but every time i'm here for too long (after the first initial couple of years), i feel quite unhappy. there is a sense of "stuckness". one, because our apartment is very small. two, we lack community. and also in the grander scheme, i generally have little interest in the events/things that the city has to offer minus my ceramics and yoga classes. i can only eat so much, and i naturally prefer nature/less dense areas. i'd rather not deal with crowds anywhere - and they're pretty much everywhere here.

i learned that my general unhappiness has been directed towards picking fights with matt, or taking it out on him in general. i need to keep myself in check and try my best to keep myself busy with my own interests. only ~1.5 more months of being here to go!

vaca: this past weekend, matt and i went to miraval berkshires for the first time using chase points. we took a two hour train up north, and was picked up by a driver from the resort. they drove about another hour or so to arrive at lenox, MA. this is an all-inclusive experience that is similar to alila that we did last november. however, we had a much better experience here. the experience imo (coming from a stressed out place) is life-changing and healing. the weather, although very hot, was nice and relaxing. their food was healthy and nutritious. i'm going to miss their bone broth and golden milk shots.

our activities for three days included: kayaking, massage, fancy dinner, chicken keeping, hike, tennis, spa, lounge/read by the pool, and beekeeping. for each activity that was led by a miraval group leader, we had to practice "connect before content". we basically had to share our names and do an icebreaker for each. college-aged connie would have hated this, but i did appreciate hearing from other people and getting out of my comfort zone. they did a really good job at fostering a community feeling. it felt like a short summer camp for adults, and i wish we could have stayed even longer. there were so many classes we didn't get to try.

miraval also has digital free zones and encourages us to be without our devices as much as possible. the dining area is a digital free zone, so that we can connect/talk more with each other.

after this trip, i'm inspired to possibly one day chicken keep and beekeep, lol. it would be awesome to eat freshly laid eggs and honey from my own backyard. chickens may be my preferred "pet" of choice as of now. i had fun with tennis too and might pick it up in LA (if the courts are available). in the morning today, i was already dreading coming back to NYC. here i am and journaling to release some thoughts.

[steamishot]

gap months

this transition period (saying bye to one city and planning for a big move home with a partner) has been bringing up a lot of feelz. it's been making me ponder on the importance of this on our relationship and what it really means to build a life with someone. there's also some sadness mixed with "really ready to GTFO" feelings as we have this countdown.

with matt going to jury duty for 4 weeks, he hasn't stepped foot in the hospital for 12 days at this point, and won't have to for another 10 days. i love this for him (he's well rested and has time to discover things outside of work), but i'm also irritated at the fact that it means he's home a LOT. the small living situation has really been grating on me. we've been trying to change our habits to spend more time outside of the apartment. on this point, we have officially submitted our notice to vacate, and they have put our apartment back on the market for $1k more per month. a 542 sq ft studio going for a whopping ~$3650/mo.

there has been a lot of chaos, conflict and stress in this past year with the job hunt and start of attendinghood for matt. the last 4 years were basically spent in survival mode, in residency, early attendinghood, and an intense cross country job search. it's now about a month since he signed for pasadena. i felt like we spent this entire time just crashing and recovering from all the demands. we're learning how to live more mindfully and peacefully now that there isn't constant chaos. i welcome this move as a fresh start.

moving logistics: i have narrowed down the moving companies to one that i like. they only do moves between LA/SF and NYC. our quotes ranged from $5k-9k with packing and unpacking services. our tesla was picked up and looks great.

apartment search: with relocation benefits, our flights and lodging to look for an apartment will be covered. therefore, we will be in LA for a week early aug to try to lock something in. i've been searching on zillow rent for 2 bedroom apartments. it's good practice to get a feel of the neighborhood, but we mostly cannot act on anything until it's <1 month before move in. we have decided not to go the "luxury apartment" route and instead go with smaller companies. i'm really, really excited to live outside of a shoebox.

edit: we are scratching the aug trip to LA, and instead using the funds to pay for an airbnb in september while we apartment search for an oct 1 move in date.

work: the lady i am training is pretty darn slow. although it really tests my patience to train her, i am enjoying the more human interaction i'm having at work and practicing my teaching skills. this is the first time since starting at UCLA that i have trained anyone for a previous position.

saying bye: it's continuously been a weird and sad feeling knowing i'm leaving. familiar faces at places we frequent (coffee shops, yoga instructors, restaurants) we won't see anymore. landmarks that we will say bye to. i don't really have an inclination to hang out with friends anymore because *the end* is coming. at the same time, if i could, i would rip the band-aid off.

relaxation: the last vacation we'll have on the east coast will be at the berkshires next weekend. we are in real need of a nature getaway. jury duty time has also been a blessing, and matt will have 1.5 months off in between his jobs. it's basically the first time in ~5 years not being tied to the hospital for this long.

friends: my mostly digital friend K decided to break it off with her partner R. although this breakup seemed to be easier to do than her previous relationship, she mentioned feeling really scared that she's just unable to make a romantic relationship work with anyone. T and i have been having similar feelings about NYC. the last two times i returned here, i was upset and cried. i described a sense of general unhappiness here. she just left a month long trip in vietnam and mentioned feeling stressed at the idea of returning to the city.

[steamishot]

heat wave

this past week was pretty socially busy. on tuesday, S came over to work out. i felt better about the whole moving thing after chatting with her, like i got her blessing to move and confirmation that we'll keep in touch/visit each other. i hope we will still remain close but she seems to be getting busier and busier as she takes on more private practice clients. shortly after this, R and her friend randomly asked if they could come up to use our restroom since they were in the area. i said sure and we got to chat for a bit LOL.

that same night, i met up with A, S, and LW for a comedy show. it was a bit awkward because A was the most excited about coming out (an excuse to get away from mommy duties during the weeknight) and everyone else was kinda meh. we initially planned to meet at 7, but ended up meeting around 7:45pm, right before the start of the show. it was actually nice to all meet up again, despite my nerves. felt like a full circle, since this group was my initial friend group in NYC.

on juneteenth wednesday, i invited new friend LG over to my place for lunch. i made miso mushroom spaghetti and we hung out for about two hours just chatting. we then walked over to the ceramics studio where i practiced for a bit before heading back home. i was pretty tired from the socializing and walking in the extreme heat. the studio was also more full than usual, i'm guessing due to the holiday and people wanting free AC.

i've been intentionally missing my sunday classes, and basically going into the studio on my own time. i prefer practicing when the room is emptier (not full like it usually is when class is in session). i'm socially awkward and i feel like my teacher doesn't like me or gravitate towards me. she's pretty hands off in general, but being there and kinda ignored in comparison to the other students makes me feel like it's not worth going. i officially signed up for another (and last) ceramics semester in brooklyn. it'll keep me occupied for july and aug before heading off to switzerland and moving back.

there has been a heat wave this past week or so. i've been lazy to move about, and been avoiding going out in the day time in general. it's kinda the reverse of the dead cold winters.

work: i don't know how i feel about the new girl A who is taking over my old position. it's been about a month now and she hasn't been much help and has still been working on trainings/gaining access. she also doesn't seem very eager to help out (in comparison to other new employees i've seen). we had a brief chat a few weeks ago on the phone, and i saved her number. this week, i texted her about something work related and included my name. her response was "i'm sorry, who is this?" *facepalm*

friends: this is pretty sad, but i was unfriended by B last week. it's the first time in my life that a "close friend" has ever done something like this. there has been drama surrounding her and her two sisters since her bachelorette and wedding last fall. because one of her sisters moved to NYC and the other one has visited, i would sometimes bring them up in conversation with B (i.e. i saw R/T recently for X, Y, Z). i wasn't sure if their fight was something temporary and they would eventually make up, but B emphasized that she wants to keep her sisters at a distance and asked that i stop mentioning them in conversation.

most importantly, i ended up breaking B's trust. she confided in me about her pregnancy and asked me not to tell anyone. i had kept it a secret until weeks after she told her parents. i had assumed that once the parents knew, it wouldn't be a secret within the family. and i assumed wrong, because me bringing it up to her sister R stirred up a lot of drama 😢. now, she probably sees me as siding with her sisters and it's easier to cut me off. just earlier this year, she also cut off her maid of honor/best friend for other reasons. i'm sorry for breaking her trust and wish her well.

leisure: matt went to jury duty 4x this week and they have been more or less ~6 hour days! it's so much better for quality time than the 12 hour days in a very stressful environment. we were finally able to chat more about the move, play overcooked 2 most nights (it's so fun!), watched some presumed innocent, and have ample sleep. last night, we attended our first concert together: odesza at MSG. it was a bit too loud and flashy for my taste but i enjoyed the experience more so as a one and done type of thing. it was the closest experience we've had to clubbing/partying out here.

logistics: tesla seems to have really bad customer service for such a huge company. it felt impossible for me to get in touch with anyone via phone, and they're not very responsive via the app or text. ugh. still trying to figure out the pick up thing. apartment searching has been tough, lol. we were considering just doing the easy thing and transferring to a different apartment within our current network, but the prices in pasadena are pretty outrageous. TBD.

[steamishot]

weekend

i'm definitely still feeling emotional about the move- possibly because i'm by myself a lot, and not very busy. it leads me to very tunneled thinking and rumination. on a side note, i tend to be more carefree in LA just because there's a lot more going on in life. i think it may take me a few weeks for the idea that i'm moving away and starting a new life back home to really sink in.

although i knew this move was coming and i was working so hard for it, i didn't expect to have such strong and mixed emotions once it became officially official. the easier thing for me to do is just cut ties immediately and quietly move away without saying bye to anyone. but staying here and mentally having a countdown is something i have to get used to. i'm dreading all the "farewell" hangouts with friends - all of us knowing it's the last time in (?) that we'll see each other. i'm not a fan of goodbyes. funnily enough, this is exactly the same amount of time (~3months) that i spent studying abroad in taipei. however, everyone came and left around the same time so it felt different. most of the friends i made in taipei went back to CA anyway. it was hardest to say bye to the friends i made who lived in other countries.

i met my new friend L at ceramics yesterday and today, and a part of me doesn't want to get closer to her (which is different from friends who i already consider close). i was never a person who could handle temporary/non-serious friends or relationships. usually if i'm continuously investing in something, it means i actively want the person in my life. she talked about september still being far away and that she wants to invite me to a concert and over to her place. part of me is like nuu, it's going to be even harder to say goodbye. but another part of me is like, well let's have fun while i'm still here. i'll likely see her at least 1x/week unless one of us is out of town, so we'll see where that goes.

ceramics: these 8 weeks of class flew by really quickly (plus i was out of town for a few sessions haha), there are only 3 more sessions of class! i finally put in my first piece to fire yesterday, and will need to wait about 2 weeks before i can glaze it. that means i need to throw more things asap so they can dry asap and then i can fire them asap to glaze asap.

i was feeling down about matt's work schedule this past week (a week of nights, 3-4 days off, then 10 days on (due to schedule switch/no PTO), 7 days off, and then another week of nights) because i've also been emotional/sensitive. i questioned if his new job would be as demanding and if his work schedule would bother me less over there. this would be our first time living together and having a routine in LA. logically, i can see our lives becoming much more balanced due to having family and community. i'm way more socially busy there too. also, having a car to get around would be really convenient - i know that we tend to get lazy leaving the house here bc of not wanting to walk or take the train somewhere. and the bigger living situation would be awesome.

the gods heard me because he was summoned and selected for jury duty yesterday! this is the most ballsy thing i've ever seen him do when it comes to work (guy has called out sick only once for the ER in these past 5 years). the trial he was selected for is for a duration of 4 weeks. this means that starting monday, he'll need to report to court M-F 9:30am-5pm for the next month. he gets to skip work (but still needs to work the weekends he was originally scheduled for). because the court is literally a 5 minute walk away, it'll be super convenient. i hate that his current hospital provides 0 PTO days for his role. i'm looking forward to this easy court time and his 1.5 months off in aug-sept.

work: i received an award for $5K! the last time i received it was in 2021 for $2K. i'm pretty sure they gave me this amount (which is the max) because i was technically doing ~1.5 roles for about half a year. in any case, i'm happy with the extra money.

friends: i feel like a loner here again. new friend L is actually leaving for washington for a month in a couple of weeks. T is away in vietnam. S is so busy with her life, that i can only manage to see her a couple times a month. LW is leaving NYC end of this month. R&T are in between dallas, LA and nyc so their schedule is complicated. i do miss having my parents and niece as my default buddies LOL. the next social thing i have is on tuesday, but i'm not looking forward to seeing A and i feel a bit sad about LW leaving.

[steamishot]

overwhelm

it took me like 2-3 days to recover from all the traveling/red eye flight and another few days to adjust back to NYC.

work has been really busy - i haven't had the chance to sneak out this week like i normally do! wednesday, i had my first performance evaluation with my director. prior years were with my manager. it was the first 1:1 meeting we had since he offered me the new role. my director is really chill (chill to the point where he's not always on top of his duties, lol, similar to me) and only said good things about me. he left great ratings/comments on my evaluation and talked about increasing my salary and delegating new responsibilities to me. from experience, i think what he is saying will be true, but it will likely take a long time to execute, lol. i've informed him of my move back and will hash out the going into office details later.

they finally hired a new girl for my old position after more than half a year. it's going to take her weeks to get access and complete training for the systems we use - so far, i'm still doing everything and during busy season as well.

yesterday, i finally had a much needed crying session. i felt so overwhelmed with everything: the job search, job obtainment, contract reviews, decision making, car purchase, socializing with everyone, work, traveling and emotionally/mentally taking in all the upcoming changes and logistics: cross country move, how do we get all our shit from NYC to LA, 1 car vs 2, new work for matt, return to office for me, relationship progression, new apartment search, saying bye to my NYC friends, adulting, etc.

i felt depressed and upset after arriving back in NYC. matt had gotten sick (thanks to my niece) and he immediately went to work night shifts. on top of that, he informed me that his next on week will be working 10 days straight, and that he'll have to work night shifts on the july 4th week. until today, we have not processed this whole move together! his schedule is really driving me nuts. i feel incomplete and alone navigating this whole thing on my own currently, waiting for him to mentally catch up.

it also was depressing that i went from having family everywhere/ a full house (extra special time because my TX cousins are still visting at my parents house) and fun social events almost daily to being by myself again. i had a lot of FOMO seeing my family continually gathering up. also, my mom is my main support system and i call her whenever i'm alone, especially on night shifts, but she's pretty unavailable this week due to hosting.

there was an awkward friend event planning this week. L is leaving NYC end of this month. S, who isn't that close to L but knows her updates through me, suggested that we have a farewell thing. L reached out to both me and S separately to plan a lunch. instead of leaving it at that, S decided to revitalize an old group chat between her, L, me and A asking to hangout. the last message in the group was a happy new year from 2023. L told her she wasn't planning on inviting A and didn't respond in the chat. i also wasn't keen on meeting up with A, since she's now demoted to acquaintance/stranger status lol. L, S and i basically haven't kept in touch with A. however, after over a month, L decided to respond in the group chat asking to meet for lunch on 6/8 and both S & A were up for it.

i was feeling dead/emotional from all the recent events and did not want to meet up with A who tends to be inquisitive and a tad judgmental. i dreaded the idea of feigning interest and catching her up with the last 1.5 years that we didn't talk (also knowing i am moving away, i didn't see a point in rekindling a friendship). so, i ended up backing out. since i wasn't going, S didn't feel like going either because then it felt like "3 acquaintances who don't really know each other meeting up". long story short, the plans fell through lol. for now it does feel a bit ingenuine with A, but since plans were already ignited, we're going through with a comedy show in a couple of weeks.

health: i have not had any blood in my stool since 5/7, thank goodness! however, due to my restrictions in diet and traveling/eating mostly home-cooked foods/stress, i have lost weight. i was almost 120lb before going to LA. i reached a low of 113 and i'm currently trying to get back up. that means i need to be more active and less restrictive of my diet. my brother also got a colonoscopy that was clear, so that is a relief.

ceramics: after missing two sessions, i attended ceramics class today and spent most of the time trimming. my one bowl is turning out kinda nice, lol! the teacher is pretty hands-off, due to the larger class size and varying skill levels. everyone is working on different things. i felt less depressed after attending class. it reminded me of the purpose/fulfillment i have here, along with yoga classes. it just takes time to adjust as my lifestyles seem completely different.

[steamishot]

flying

LA flew by so quickly. everyday, there was something going on. i caught a fever from my niece for a couple of days. my brother also caught the hand foot mouth disease from her. i did three yoga sessions with my mom (got her free classpass), and two yoga sessions with matt. i brought my parents and niece to the broad/infinity room and also to ride the swan boats in echo park. despite living in that neighborhood their whole lives, my parents have never been on the swan boats.

the job situation was tense and emotions were high. i told my friend that it felt like we're in the overtime of a basketball game, just waiting for the outcome. huntington finally came through with a contract, but there were some hiccups with communication. the admin was not responsive to emails and phone calls for a couple of days, and she told matt the wrong information - that the job was 50% nights instead of the aforementioned 30% nights. the 50% nights almost led us to sign with kaiser until the hiring doctor reached out to clarify the misinformation. the tension was also compounded by the fact that the deadline to sign with huntington was on 5/29 (which was later extended by two days).

matt was also able to schedule a last minute on-site meeting with huntington - he felt intimidated by how bougie it was but also noted that the doctors and staff walked at a much slower pace than in NY. the timing worked out so well that we happened to be in town during this negotiation period. finally, it seemed huntington was a decent gig and matt signed with them the morning of 5/31. he was happy to not have to do open ICU and be on call for kaiser. it felt surreal. i couldn't believe we get to come back full circle, to our preferred location (pasadena vs southbay)! his salary will also increase by 30%. matt also reserved a tesla Y this day because it was the last day of the 0.99% APR promotion. side note, UCLA is offering a 4.2% raise for staff this year. not the highest in the last few years, but i'm not complaining.

right before flying to LA this time, matt had to do an 18 hour shift (1am-7pm) for the first time. needless to say, he had a very overwhelming week, on top of attending social obligations in LA. we checked out some apartments in pasadena and celebrated his brother's 20th birthday in ktown on saturday, had dimsum breakfast with his cousins (and their partners/baby), and then had a family party (~30 people) with my family on sunday with my uncle/aunt and cousins who were visiting from houston. my brother dropped us off at LAX for a red eye flight.

it's nice to have your own apartment to retreat to to reflect and unwind, which we didn't get until coming back to NYC. we were always around family members. i felt pretty emotional/overwhelmed this past weekend too, because it all felt like a lot happening at once. not only was a lot happening, we had a whole team behind us who were both supportive yet pressuring, lol. it was like answering a bunch of questions from different people while freshly hearing the news ourselves.

i'm happy to have met my uncle, aunt and three girl cousins from houston, after not seeing them for about ~5 years. they seem like they're growing to be amazing, smart and talented girls. the oldest one (16) was inquiring about career stuff and asked me to proofread one of her submissions for a scholarship. she's involved in tech, teaches math, is learning coding, wants to do engineering, and also has a portfolio for her digital art stuff. i was like wow, she's doing so much more than me - i feel like an embarrassment at age 32 LOL. she said i looked like maya erskine.

this morning, eddie visited me at my apartment. it's his first time in NYC! matt and i took him to la bicyclette for some croissants. he laughed at me that i considered living back in echo park when we return to LA.

sheng wang: he was hilarious! i laughed so much that i cried. i'm glad i finally cried, but i still haven't had that *much needed* cry from overwhelm.

note: it could be his overwhelm, but as of now, matt seems more nervous/worried about the transition to his new job than excited. he is also sad to be leaving his coworkers and nyc. going back to LA is definitely more for me than for him. i'm also way less integrated into the city than he is. for the first time, i'm dictating our actions and almost feel responsible for him uprooting his life here. it is a weird and new feeling, where i'm scared i'll feel guilty if he doesn't like his new job. but i think/hope everything will be fine.

also, i recognize moving cross country, even though it is back to our 'home', is still a major milestone.