#my mom just wants to stay home
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looks like our family isn’t gonna be together for new years either.
#my dad wants to go to a family friend’s#my mom just wants to stay home#my sister is trying to get us to do something#im sick of trying.#my family is never going to be together when it matters and im telling you#we’re gonna regret it#me and my sister are the only ones trying#im tired of trying to get people to do something they don’t want to do#whatever#it’s not going to happen#my mom is telling me to go have fun with friends#she even mentioned ld#idk#fuck it#the loife show#loife updates
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how come I love leading class and reading groups and small groups and lectures and conference papers and book clubs
and I HATE leading Women's Bible Study
#the actual leading is i guess fine although i STRUGGLE to actually lead#because they're all older than me and kind of friends and confident#and entirely unused to being steered and led so they just take off chatting and comforting each other#and mostly want to talk about their lives way more than about the topic#also our discussion guide is quite meh#but even worse I think is the texting all week long#i don't want to be constantly getting texts! noise! distraction! everyone checking in about everything!#and i recognize that it's a beautiful support in many ways and stay at home moms are lonely#but also. i can't do ANYTHING without that text thread popping up#feels like there's absolutely no boundaries#and they all have problems they always want to talk about#and this year not only do i have most of my previous women with problems i also have one with some really major issues#that i haven't dealt with personally and i need a lot of wisdom and care in leading her well#i need to change my tires! i need to be able to read on my phone and not be constantly reminded of the people i'm helping!#the only way i've remained stable this long in life is by keeping problems in separate spaces!#sigh. and with that i will go do yoga and get immersed in a conference paper#and not think about problems#(can you tell the time of women approaches me)
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Log date 510: today human Max is not here and that is disappointing as I have tremendous amounts of fun when he is here
Log date 511: human Max is still not here, maybe he is sick? I will ask Giver what helps humans get better when sick and then have my drone deliver it to him!
Log date 515: …human Max is still not here and it is the end of the week as he would call it…I miss him
Log date 518: Human Max is here! I have missed him greatly for he is the most fun one! We will play catch and build and draw and, and…human Max is sad today…
Log date 520: He is still sad. He plays catch and draws and builds but is still sad…this is not fun for me. He is not fun.
Log date 522: ….human Max lost his Giver. His Giver was hit by a transportation vehicle and died in the medical bay. He couldn’t say good bye as he is here and she was light years away in Earth…
Log date 522-b: I told Human Max he is not fun. That he is sad. He lied and said he was okay and forced a smile. I told him he is my favourite because he is the most fun but it’s okay to not always be fun… I asked him about his Giver and he told me stories of her. Soon everyone sat down to hear the stories and still stayed when he cried.
Log date 523: Human Max will be gone for a while until he is better. I miss him because he is fun but I want him to be better because I have the most fun when he is feeling well. He lost his Giver and that will take a while for him to be okay…and I will wait patiently for that
#I just remembered when I was in second grade my teacher was gone for a week or two#I missed her cause loved her and even called her mom a few times#When she came back she was trying her best to not cry and told us she was gone bc of what happened to someone important to her#He died in a car crash and that was why she wasn’t there for so long and may stay home for a bit longer#And I just remember feeling so sad bc I missed her and just learned about a terrible thing that happened to her and then I felt weirdly cal#Bc I missed her but I wanted her only come back when better. And I’m happy she told me and treated us like adults#The adventures of Kim and max running a space child centre#humans in space
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okay this is not related to the new ep but it just occurred to me
after byeongmu is arrested (for the second time, at home) sangcheol asks jeongwoo where he wants to go and offers to drive him
which makes me think: 1) jeongwoo stayed at sangcheol's place for however many days BUT they didn't exactly talk about how long that arrangement will last or anything 2) and because of this sangcheol asks jeongwoo where he wants to go (since he doesn't know and won't assume) 3) jeongwoo at some point decides to go visit nagyeom at the hotel and at no point do we get to know what his answer was to sangcheol 4) that night when they leave ha seol to go home alone and have dinner at sangcheol's place it feels like that's just the arrangement they have now
so my question is: at what point did *jeongwoo* decide to stay at sangcheol's place AND when did he tell sangcheol about it? or was it sangcheol's idea? maybe he knew jeongwoo wasn't going to ask so sangcheol offered?
i want to know exactly how that conversation went 🥺
#백설공주에게 죽음을#black out#nohgoh#jeongwoo's sleeping arrangements: the mystery#i guess this would be fanfic territory to explore but I'm really curious how a convo like that would've went down 🤔#did jeongwoo just say he wants to go back to sangcheol's? (i don't think he's that forward)#did he go back to pack but sc was like okay you know what why don't you stay for a while longer? and jw just went with it? (possible)#(but in ep12 sc is surprised to see him packing and he doesn't ask 'going back home?' but 'are you going somewhere?' like.#i might read too much into this ('might' 😅🤡) but that sounded like sc didn't think jw would just up and go home at any point lol)#(i do wonder what sc would've said id jw was like 'I'm going back to my house' and not 'taking care of my mom' bc. i would take a bet that#my man sc would've been like 'are you stupid just stay here' if it would've been the former XD he can't say much about the latter tho XD)
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One of the nurses just told my mom, "chemo is so bad for you, it causes so many side effects"
Unlike the cancer which has been really been doing amazing things for her health
#fuck this place#this place is trash#i cant wait to get her out of there#i did offer to take her out ama and take her to the hospital she wants to be at#she did consider it#but tomorrow the bloodwork comes back#and she either comes home or goes to where she wants#just want her to stay safe until then#personal#my mom has cancer
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i wish finding people was easier
#never learned how. even when i was mandated to share a building with 400 of them i struggled making connections#idk what to do now. all i do is go to work or stay home. i really dont have anywhere else to go. at least not without spending money#and even if i DID have somewhere to go i dont want 10 million questions about 'where are you going? why do need the car? what if i need it?#my grandmother is SUFFOCATING to be around. she still pulls this shit with my mom too and shes in her 40s#im just. lonely. i feel bad saying i want friends cause i DO have friends. just. not in person#hell i like to have a partner adn ive NEVER had that as a priority before. but i dont know how to get there#and if i did have a partner; or friends; its not like i could take them home. im just stuck.#im struggling for independence and i have no way out
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saw a tiktok that was like. Daily Affirmations: my work crush doesn’t like me. and now i’m like wow i wish i could send this directly to all of my new high schooler coworkers. who are all really annoyingly obsessed with our one male manager because he’s The Chill Manager. you may have seen me refer to this man before (it’s different when EYE love him because we are the same age. the high schoolers being obsessed with him is weird as hell and he DOES need to stop encouraging this) back in winterspring i was doing a lot of opening shifts with him and i was joking that we had the king and lionheart dynamic. which was real at the time but not so much the vibe now just because like. the vibe has shifted idk i work different shifts there’s different other managers i’m technically promoted there’s all these new people i don’t care about. the vibe is different. anyway. don’t care for these high schoolers and their obsession with him. especially because they’re like actual assholes sometimes to my friend managers… (they used to just work here and then two managers left and they got promoted) (i also technically got promoted at the same time but they rank above me and do more shit that i don’t want to do so like. obviously i’m not bitter or jealous about it. like if i had to manage a bunch of teenagers that didn’t respect me i might cry every single day) (which is happening to one of them fr. they’re literally such assholes to her sometimes it’s crazy like she’s not even as mean to you people as she should be…) not to side with like. The Man or whatever but unfortunately i’m not a teenager with a part time job i go to when i don’t have soccer practice so i cannot relate to the proletariat in this situation… like i knowww they’re seeing my girl as Bitch Manager and it’s making me hate them soooo bad. like you idiots can’t even fold jeans correctly!! i hate you!!!!
#literally the past three nights i’ve been working overnight with just the 2 friend managers and we’ve been having major bitch sessions#about these high schoolers…. sorry if this makes us bitches!!#maybe if more than 4 of them were literally any good at all at any part of their job we’d hate them less idk…..#like. if they sucked less it would mean i’d have to do less work. like girls work with me here im sick of covering your asses…..#can’t even put things back where they’re supposed to go correctly…#like why am i finding clearly marked clearance jeans mixed in the stack of full price ones…. stop pissing me offfffff omg#sorry again. but the next idiot teenager who asks me where something goes and i look at it and it’s clearly marked as clearance is going to#make me lose my mind for real. yes i do need a different job i know that im aware of this#the problem THERE is that all jobs look awful to me <3#and there’s genuinely nothing on earth i care enough about to make it a career!#i genuinely need to become a trophy wife and stay at home mom. like there’s no careers for me i fear#i don’t mean that in a ‘submitting to the patriarchy’ way i mean it in a ‘the only thing i’ve consistently known i want in my future for my#entire life has been kids’ way#anyway. having a job where you’re the fifth most in charge person there and third on an average day. makes you evil fr
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Why can't I earn money being a stay at home mom? Like not millions or anything. But a liveable wage?
#thats the only thing ive ever truly wanted to do with my life#sahm#stay at home mom#some people will think im brainwashed im sure#but no i just love my children with everything i am#and i want to take care of the house#i enjoy that shit#but no i *have* to feed the corporate machine apparently#who am i to have simple dreams?
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for like 3 weeks i was wondering why i was sleeping so much and felt listless. and just now I managed to email 3 people and responded to a month old message in the span of an hour because I got back to TAKING MY FUCKIN MEDS..........
#MOTHER FFFFUCKER#to be fair. my doc said I could stop taking them while im on break since i wouldnt need to be constantly pumped on stimulants#im not sure if it was a side effect but i managed to take like 3 different naps in one day and STILL managed to sleep thru the whole night#at least 2 days into my break. the weird thing is i didnt feel more or less rested afterwards. but mentally i think im in a good place rn#to really put the level of awakeness im at rn i feel weirdly confident i could start one piece. also bc of that sick new opening it BANGS#the song is really good and im in love with the animation style. did some digging and it seems one of the lead animators is masato mori#but i could be wrong. it seems he also did some work on mp100 which could explain a lot lol.. he uses smear frames really well to convey#consistent movement and fluidity!!! someone else might have done color design but it works really really well esp with odas style!!#just love the overall vibe and aesthetic and id really love to study it and incorporate a bit of it into my art.. especially the thick#outlines which i think helps to separate characters and objects on screen. though i have to say the style is definitely more suited to#animation bc of the simpleness and smears. maybe that will help me explore shapes and perspective when i draw... i wanna get better#at drawing poses and angles but i have a hard time wrapping my head around space and using perspective guide lines NGHHHH#i wonder if it has to do with my dogshit ability to judge distance. not depth perception but like. judge how far smth is in metres etc#im also wearing an N95 for the first couple weeks back bc of the wave. absolutely NO BODY is wearing a mask its so fucking over#where im sitting ive heard 5 different people coughing probably not into their elbows!!! and im just. head in my fucking hands#there was a kid sitting a couple seats away in class coughing as he pleases and i wanted to grab him in a chokehold so badly. PLEASEE#ive been annoying my family by asking them to mask up and reminding them to bring masks when they go out and showing them news articles#but at least its working bc we ordered some KN95s and my mom is at least taking me seriously so. please dont be afraid to speak up abt your#health. take care of yourself and others however u can!! wear that mask indoors at your maskless friends house!!! stay home when u can!!#im wearing a surgical mask at home too bc my parents have '''a dry throat cough''' and they are so bad at coughing into their sleeves#also im pretty sure dry throat isnt transmissible bc my brother started coughing too so.. i also tested negative but they havent tested yet#im also not a doctor but i have to keep reminding ppl whenever i can that covid and flu work differently. covid is new and too recent to#have nearly as much research done on it. it seems its also compounding so instead of building immunity it weakens the body and spreads to#to other systems which might explain brain fog and muscle weakness. i remember someone early in the pandemic got infected and it messed up#their smell/taste receptors so bad that they cant eat most foods and that stays in the front of my mind when i think abt covid. christ#yapping
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so many young women recently desiring to be stay at home mothers….the ironic part of it is that all of those women that do become stay at home moms will one day understand why the women before them fought so hard for them to not have to fulfill that role at the point at which they realize that their personhood has been entirely sacrificed in the name of motherhood & there is no going back on that. all women who are stay at home moms are forced to put themselves aside to take care of their children and husband & are forced to make that their entire identity & that is exhausting and dehumanizing. that is how betty friedan started second wave feminism w the feminine mystique. bc women finally realized that all women hated being housewives & there wasn’t smth wrong w each of them individually as they had all believed. but those that do not learn history etc etc……
#michelle speaks#being a stay at home mom is not sustainable for women in our society for a million reasons#& yet some women refuse to see that just to live out a fantasy they were sold as young girls#& for many of them i cannot blame them bc they r forced into it before they have the ability to really learn that there r other options#but for the women who r in a position where they can actively choose how to live their lives#that they would choose to be stay at home moms despite the insanely oppressive nature of it 😩#the thing is that YES there is an issue of women being forced to do economic labor & then come home & do the same amount of domestic labor#so now women r expected to do double the work right. however i want to propose a solution to this that might be crazy#women CAN & SHOULD set higher standards for men. do not marry a man that expects u to mother him. do not let him get away w slacking.#& yes that can be easier said than done. but my point being that setting higher standards for men while having independence that can allow#u to leave said man if need be is ALWAYS going to be the superior option to being entirely dependent on that man#listen i am DEEP on my sleep medication idk if anything i said made sense….#this woman on bb was like if i have 2 kids i’m not working i’ll br at home & i was like GIRL???? IN 2024???????#women should aspire to be so much more than someone’s mom…….u r a whole person w/o that.#this is mot to say that there’s anything wrong w wanting to be a mom it is abt women wanting it to be their whole identity#also this other woman keeps being like my husband LET ME be on the show girl he LET YOU???? IN 2024?????????????
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not to be a milennial but harry potter and the prisoner of azkaban really is that bitch....
#mom wanted to rewatch the movies so we've been going thru them <3#talk about a movie thats just like. grief. i turn into the jamie lee curtis halloween trauma supercut#SORRY..... the visuals are peak like that IS the hp vibe to ME and i am BLOWN AWAY this movie was made in 2004 it feels ahead of its time#the first two are so whimsical and magical enrapturing and this movie is like. a well worn cardigan. this feels 2011 cozycore to me#sorry but the introduction of lupin becoming a comforting trusted guardian type of figure AND the dementors representing hollow depression#this 13 yr old whos been kept in the dark on so many things being extra vulnerable prey to them bc of the severe trauma#but getting lessons on how to withstand that creeping dread.. through happy memories... still bonding w lupin increasngly ouagh...#the grief between them both over james and lily. also btw ofc defense against the dark arts being fighting yr fears through laughter. aaaaaa#and then sirius. black. im. i know we meme on the twelve years of it! in azkaban! but as a bitch whos now closer to those characters in age#and can appreciate and understand them obv more than i could when i was. a tween. that just hits like ok shit. VALID#so valid and real to see the child of your friends you knew at that age but who DIED and then see the friend who betrayed them#to see like the best of BOTH of them mirrored and living on in him and be like yknow what???? you WILL be protected frm that same fate#hoooo the briefest moment where harry might hope things will turn out okay. w sirius' name being cleared and peter having to explain himself#and sirius being like hey i get it if you want to stay w your family that is fine but. if you wanna move in w me...#(harry relaying this to hermione later as well. dreaming of a place fr just the two of them somewhere in the countryside#somewhere..... sirius might see the sky..... bc he thinks he would like that after all those years locked up do not even touch me rn.......)#only fr everything to turn to shit two friends fighting w deadly force. the chance to set this right slipping off into the night.#a million dementors descending relentlessly until utter exhaustion and certain death. some strange salvation? fight for a second chance?#but then still havign to say goodbye when they only just GOT this. and everything still being so. god. and lupin having to leave as well.#the thought of sirius also WANTING that guardian type connection but being forced to live in 1. a cave barely living more freely than before#2. then being confined to the stuffy somber abusive home he ran away from as a teen w that portrait still up there and everything.. bitch...#oh man the way i KNOW when we get to ootp (my favourite) its gonna leave me blasted into a million little pieces#the way i know shit like the knowing wink the entirety of the wall tapestry room scene and of course nice one james is gonna DESTROY me..#dont even talk to me abt that dark turn at the end of gof and how everything after gets soooo. god. w everything just getting destroyed and.#i cant even think abt it i cant even talk about it. wah#i dont care btw that they aged those guys up undermining how insanely young these people died. perfect casting fr the remaining marauders ok
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here we are at seaworld hinata-kun 🫶🫶
this feels like a reference to smth and i do’t know what and it’s intimidating me
#ask#chsp#unrelated. i once went to seaworld with my family as a kid#and when it was time to leave#my twin brother (who at the time didn’t speak too much) managed to break off from the group and get lost somewhere#my parents saw him in this giant playplace and sent me in after him bc i was small and fast#so i went in (as did they where they could reach) and had to chase#my brother through this giant outdoor playplace. where he was completely oblivious to the stress he was causing my parents#eventually i got to him at the bottom floor where he was hanging out (he had been moving around the whole time)#and i was like ‘[SIBLING]. WE NEED TO GO HOME NOW. YOU SCARED MOM AND DAD’#and he was kinda disappointed but understood#he ended up getting us both more playground time with that stunt. it was impressive#he was completely chill being on his own like that two. were were like maybe 8. he was unbothered#he was just like ‘oh we’re done? i wanted to stay but ok’#and that’s my unrelated seaworld story <3
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Fuckikkkkkkkk thursday tomorrowwwwww
#mannnnnnnnnn I don’t wanna gooooooooooo#I’m tired and cold and I wanna sleep and hang out under my blankets with my cats#my mom would be mad if I asked to stay home tho so I can’t do that#fuck thought about childhoodfriend everything sucks forever#I just got extremely tired I can’t do this man#I need to work on the jacket and the animation and I just want to sleep and I don’t want to depend on my phone all the time for comfort#just constantly fucking tired and I’m getting sick of it but I never have time and when I do I just want to rest cause I’m fucking exhauste#and I can’t tell if it’s a health issue thing or if it’s cause I’m depressed or because of the irregular amounts of meds I’ve been taken or#what. I don’t know I don’t know I just want to be okay I just want to stop being tired and lonely and sad#I should shower
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my recurring stress dream i had last night was the one where all my family is over for a reunion and i just walk in circles around the house screaming at top volume and trying to hurt myself or my siblings in attempts to make them leave and they just ignore me and keep talking to eachother. the meaning of this dream is that july is coming
#last year i reacted so poorly to the reunion my mom promised to pay for a hotel so i could be away from home for the length of it this year#and this year shes saying she never said that and shes offended by the thought of me not being there#only reason id stay is bc my australian brother is considering coming for the first time#and i dont even want to meet him just his autistic son
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on losing a mother
#yelling#s.poem#mom tag#poetry#okay to reblog#it's officially been over a year since the last time i saw my mom.#her skin was translucent paper thin and she looked so fragile in tht hospital bed but she was supposed to be getting better#and she did. for about a month.#she went back into the hospital 3 days after my birthday.#she stayed there for like 2 weeks and then died about a week after she checked herself out.#the last time she ever texted me was on my birthday. i waited two days to text back. and i never heard back from her.#the next time i saw her she was a pile of grey ashes in a plastic urn. she sits on my shelf now. i haven't gotten her a new urn yet.#i try not to feel guilty. there wasn't much i could do from a thousand miles away#but i still feel the guilt every day itching under my skin and screaming at me in my mind that i should have done better#that i should have been there for her#her phone number has since been given to someone else. i deactivated her facebook account. i cleaned out her apartment & threw away almost#all of her belongings.#i took photo albums. i took some jewelry - including the ring she wore as she was cremated. it survived the fire. the funeral home put it#in the urn with her ashes. i wear it sometimes just to feel like there's still a part of her with me.#but she's gone and i don't believe in an afterlife and neither did she#there's some comfort in knowing she is no longer in pain that she is no longer suffering#but i still sit here and i think of all the things i never got to tell her and the new things i want to tell her every single day#i never got to come out to her. not really. i never got to tell her that i understood what she went thru with my dad because i lived it too#anyways. sorry for going off in the tags. i'm okay i promise. just feeling a lot of feelings right now.
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🐰🌧️
#so on my way home..#i walked by a school and besides the fact that i felt so depressed bc just looking at these kids and adults i have NO hope for the future#i saw two boys on a bench as i walked by... and i just thought they were talking. and too late i realized that no one of the boys were#bullying the other boy. the bully walked away and the other boy just sat there looking so lifeless and dejected#a teacher came and sat down w that boy and i just kept walking. even if i wanted to say smth it's like what would i even do abt that situati#that made me so sad both bc that boy.. he looked so dejected and used to it. that anxiety going to school knowing you're bullied is awful#and like i imagined talking to him and saying heyyy if you're lucky you'll grow up to be 25yrs old#live like a parasite off your mom and be on wellfare and never have had a job :)#you'll have no education or highschool diploma :) you will still struggle to finish hs even at an easier level :)#you will also not have had friends in 10yrs and you'll be terrified of ppl and getting close to anyone and even going outside!!#you'll have no interests and hobbies and skills! you'll simply be a waste of space loser being a burden on everyone around u!#whoop whoop stay alive buddy it will only get worse ❤️#god i just wanna cry. how did i let my life turn out this way??? i used to be full of dreams and life and passion and HOPE#i used to believe in things and in people. i had so many dreams and i wanted to try and do so many things#now all i can think is 'i wanna die i wanna die i wanna die'. im miserable wherever i go lmao#there's this bridge over the highway i have to cross when i walk to school and every time i look down at the trafic and when a truck drives#by i feel my entire body vibrate. i just wanna jump and get mauled by it.#or i dont *want* to but i feel so deeply and desperately that it's the only way for me#only way to make it stop hurting. and i am weak. i dont know how to just 'stop' or take control of my life. thats why i wanna die#bc i know that i wont be able to. that my life will never amount to anything#for fuck's sake my dream now is just to have my own 1bedroom apartment and have a shitty job - like in a grocery store or whatever!!!!!#not even that can i make happen! bc im so worthless i cant do anything. im also stupid so i wouldnt be able to do my job right#i dont know... i dont know... these feelings and thoughts are too much i just wanna relax#but i cant bc my ribs hurt and idk if it's heartburn or an ulcer 💀 why am i even alive???? what am i doing all this for? 😭#my thoughts ran away but i meant like seeing that reminded me of how much of a failure i became#bc of my circumstances and all the shitty ppl around me thru out my life
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