#my hours at 20 wtf? he told me my boyfriend needed to get a better job. like the other *girls* he hired. dylan to this day i hope your

[spilling-blood]

I got a new desk and a stand to make it a "standing desk" by the way and it makes me feel like I'm working at the terminal we packaged steel at back when I sold construction supplies when I was younger. I'm so productive.

[bagog]

What On Earth Has Happened

Hey, no story here, no experiments. Just a play by play of an awful year in my life. Please don't reblog. Trying to just get it down in one place for people who care about me. Long, sob-story beneath the cut.

Air - 'Things are looking up!' I had started to drift a bit from tumblr. The porno purge came and a lot of my friends trickled off the platform after that. I went back to school, attempting to score myself a Masters degree in something that would pay enough to get me out of Student Debt. I was doing great, picking things up fast. I got a new job at a company doing pretty menial work, but the people I worked with were great conversationalists. The work didn't involve dealing with customers at all, paid well, and was small and accomplishable tasks. Essentially I was being prepped to take a better position at the place once I had my Masters. Covid happened, then. Earth - 'The Whole World Sucks Right Now' My company was "essential," so I continued going to work, now on weird schedules. The company I worked for was profiting off Covid, all the while making fun of it as an overblown conspiracy, even as their own epidemiologist urged them to take better precautions. Work became hard to swallow. Water - 'When your lowest place could be lower' The apartment I shared with my boyfriend flooded. The lowest place in any sewage system is typically the bathtub, such that if it backs up, it does so into that tub. Our lowest point is the toilet. So the apartment flooded. Three times. Roots growing through the sewage outflow meant that, often, you needed to wait a solid hour between toilet flushes, or else the toilet would back up with such gusto the sewage would slosh down the hallway and into the living room. We mopped many times. The problem was finally fixed 8 months later, necessitating our having to camp because our house had no water. Fire - 'To destroy all you've done' One afternoon, I smelled burning. Going to our bedroom, I found our shelf a column of flame. I could barely breathe for all the smoke, but I managed to grab a blanket and beat the fire out. On the other side of the room, the pages of the books upon another shelf had begun to crisp from the heat, the blinds on all the windows were warped. The whole apartment had been about to go up. I'm kinda scared of fire now. Heart - 'When moving is too much to ask' Personal health sorta hit a new low. Migraines kept me out of work for two full weeks. I have seasonal foot pain, I always assumed from hiking for a living in my 20s. Turns out it was gout, all the while. Gout is exceptionally painful: it's like a messy pile of razor blades in the ball of your foot every time you step down. At work, I could barely stand. Walking from my car to the door became something I needed to psyche myself up for. Not a lot can stop a gout flare-up once it's in full swing, so I just had to wait it out. For a month. Two. Some of the worst sustained pain I've been in. Little did I know that, in January, come the kidney stones. Kidney stones feel awful. Feel like total shit. Gout and kidney stones are comorbid--brought about as a result of the meds I take to help me focus. So any day I don't drink enough water is a day when my kidneys or my foot just starts aching. But going back to September of 2020... Homophobia - 'goddammit' Finally things are looking better. I'm limping quickly again. Then I am called into the HR office. I am told that two sexual harassment charges have been brought against me. I'm told that one individual has alleged that I, while in the restroom, used a reflective toilet brush to attempt to peep him under a stall wall. I did not do this. I do not understand--reflective toilet brush?? wtf. The second allegation: I just straight up looked over a stall at a guy. I didn't do this either. I'm asked to defend myself, I ask who or date or time of day. I am given nothing. I remark that I don't think I'm tall enough to see over the stall, and I do not understand about the toilet brush. Of the ten minutes of the meeting, I spend 8 of them trying to get my head around how a claim about a reflective toilet brush has me here. "Would you like us to go now to see if you're tall enough to see over the stall? If that would help your defense?" says the HR head. "Yes, I

would," says I. We did not go. I am told that the accusers have no reason to be collaborating, or to even know each other made a claim. This is bullshit, because it was a company of 80 people, and only a quarter of those employees used the restroom where my alleged harassment was to have taken place. Before I am dismissed from work for the day to go home and wait to find out if I'll be fired or not, I march into the HR office once more and say "I hope none of this is happening because I'm gay." The HR head looks positively offended. I got fired cuz I'm gay. Next day I got a call. They'd come to the "objective truth" (that phrase is burned in my mind), and were terminating me. Apparently they discounted the toilet brush rumor, after all. But they really honestly believed I looked over the stall at a dude. Nightmare - 'No Fear One Fear' Let me tell you something: this is a nightmare. This is my honest-to-god nightmare. I've been terrified of getting accused of something in a bathroom since I was 11 years old. I am incredibly self-conscious and careful in public restrooms. To be fired? From a place full of people I like? And all of them will think I'm a pervert. My boyfriend worked at the same place. He would now have to work there every day dealing with people looking at him and wondering what he must think of his boyfriend. That sent me on a spiral. I'm still out of work, almost a year later. It would have been the worst mental health crisis of my life if it wasn't for my boyfriend, my support network, and the meds I've finally been able to get ahold of. Oh, also. My two accusers? Were roommates. HR knew they were roommates. They basically collaborated on a story to get me fired. The story circulating around the place (I still have acquaintances I talk to working there) has dropped the reflective toilet brush entirely. I guess they thought it was too unbelievable. So anyway, the people who accused me are now telling a different set of events than what I was told. Absolute horse shit. Tried to go to my city's human right's council to see if my situation warranted further attention. I gave my side of the story--including tales of the straight manager who had had enough harassment charges brought against him that he was no longer allowed to meet female staff--which indicated I'd been treated differently and wrongly. My old job made an impassioned argument that the committee violated their First Amendment rights(?) ('Freedom of speech' is the biggie with the First Amendment, for people who cba re:USA). I won the vote!! But one member of the committee was missing. So there weren't enough people for the vote to pass. Dismissed. We took it to the EEOC to make an official federal complaint. Just a week ago, an agent of the US Government patiently explained to us that these laws are literally designed to fuck over the worker and protect the employer unless they are epically stupid, and unfortunately, mine had not been epically stupid. So there's nowhere to go, no recourse to be had. It's over, I guess. Family - 'How to sum it up quickly...' My family hit me with the old soft-disown. No more calls, no more communication. They think they are loving me by not having contact with me. By depriving me of my family, they hope it will make me realize that the path I'm on is destructive, and I'll return to them living an upright life. No. I'm living an upright life, now. And if my family can choose to throw me away, then they are not a family I choose. Then my dad hit me back two months later, absolutely gaslighting me and pretending we never had the disown conversation at all. Reality - 'I don't know who I am anymore' I have trouble knowing what's real, anymore. Every message my dad sends on the surface seems loving and supportive and plaintive. I feel I must be the one in the wrong. I got fired for bullshit reasons. It doesn't feel real. "My family can't possibly have ceased contact with me: that's one of those things I know can never happen!!" But that did happen. So what else that feels real, actually isn't? I do

mean to be so dramatic, and I won't apologize for it. But I truly do feel like my mind has been pretty thoroughly unseated by the last year. Whoever I am, I'm becoming someone different. More distilled, at very least. I've discovered a lot of things about myself: trauma that has likely led to a lot of my mental health problems. Discovered I actually have RAGING ADHD, and it has robber me of a lot of things I wanted to do, and now is sort of consuming me completely. I'm looking for help. Trying to get better. Here's hoping. Every bold point above could be its own book, for all my thoughts about them. But enough of that for now. Love you. Thanks for reading.

[neverdoingmuch]

now hear me out,,, an au where lan wangji is an editor who works for an erotica publisher and wei wuxian is essentially chuck tingle. (also lwj writes romance novels on the side)

wei wuxian didn’t plan to write erotica he wants to make that really clear, he was actually studying like biomed or something equally “oh wow my parents can brag to the other parents about this”

but, as frequently happens in wwx’s life, he got drunk with nhs, like really drunk and they woke up the next morning with a laptop on the floor beside them and loose paper strewn everywhere

they don’t really remember what they were doing or thinking last night but they’ve both drawn a bunch of really shitty and weird porn (the less said about the anthropomorphic version of wen chao’s pet turtle the better) and wei wuxian has like 20,000 words of an erotica story on his laptop

when he starts reading it, at first he’s like haha what the fuck this is so weird but then it turned out to be really good??? and nhs blushed at some of the ~sexy~ scenes so that’s how wwx knew he was writing the good stuff

anyway they’re sitting there, eating their hangover food and wei wuxian goes so uh my story was good right? and nhs is like yeah it was, top stuff i would buy it and wei wuxian goes what if i actually wrote it,,, haha just kidding,,,,, unless?

and in his defence he doesn’t actually write anything for the story for another like three months but then he finds himself in the middle of exam season and he’s like fuck it stress relief let’s write some erotica

he finishes the book and his exams (which he does well in but whatever) and then spends his summer holidays editing the book

when he comes back, he slaps down a paper copy on nhs’ desk and is like i finished it. nhs, thinking he meant his latest lab write up, opens it up to a random page and starts reading it out loud which was a Mistake

he trails off mid-sentence, and whips around to glare at wwx with all the wrath he can muster. it’s raunchy nhs says and just read it wwx tells him so nhs does

like 2 hours later nhs turns to him and says if it wasnt for you and the librarian staring at me the whole time i definitely would’ve felt something and wwx is like so it’s good? and nhs is like fuck yeah it is but i dont get what you want from me?

pretty much wwx passed out after exams, slept for like 20 hours and then woke up and went i should publish this and decided that nhs should draw the cover art.

nhs agrees of course and a month later wwx self-publishes bc there’s no way he can walk into a publishing house with his porn and not just combust on the spot and he decides to go by the name yiling patriarch

wwx clicks the final button to upload the fic and nhs just toasts him and goes yknow what,, this is the closest you’ve ever gotten to having sex and i’m proud of you

wei wuxian is the man who guarded his first kiss for the first twenty years of his life for someone special,,,, wwx definitely wants his first time to be special and there’s no way he’s putting out for someone he doesn’t think is important & despite having dated before, he’s never gotten close enough to someone to go yeah let’s do it so our boy is still a virgin

so wwx’s entire erotica writing inspiration comes from porn, nhs’ way too in-depth answers as to how his latest date went and uh more porn

wwx blusters about a bit bc how is he meant to respond to that and nhs is like maybe you’ll finally move on from reading those trashy romance novels and read something more exciting and wwx is like how dare you call them trashy!! hanguang-jun is a master of the romance novels!! he understands the heart in a way that no other person has ever!! 

and nhs just chugs a bunch of wine and is like yeah hon okay, do you still blush when the main characters hold hands? and wwx is like no! of course not! (it’s a lie, he blushes a lot)

so nothing really happens with the book at first and wwx forgets about it for the most part but then he wakes up one morning and he’s got an extra like RMB 1000 (i dont actually know much about currency so it’s roughly $200 if my quick interneting is legit)

wwx is like wtf? and once he finds out it’s from his novel he’s doubly like wtf? but then he finds out that someone had purchased his book and did a dramatic reading on youtube bc wwx decided that regular erotica was boring and decided to make it satirical or whatever and people loved it??

he’s got nothing better to do so he just goes hm yeah remember that Author i dated who had an “incredible idea that would absolutely amaze The Critics and helped explore his own convoluted mind” let’s make something of that and he writes another book kinda mocking that idea in a very horny way.

he publishes it and someone writes a review of his two books on their blog and now he’s actually starting to get popular - he’s got more money from those two books than he did by working at the local cafe for the whole week

wwx is poor and broke and semi-disowned anyway by this point so he goes fuck it and spends every moment he’s not studying writing erotica. 

he publishes another like five books by the time the year is out (i know the maths isnt working here but this is a book world where wwx can just do that via the power of loneliness and friends who egg you on)

also?? he varies his books. some of them are porn parody things a la chuck tingle and some of them are genuine porn and one book was just him writing a recipe book but making it sound as horny as possible

by the time he’s published his like 8th book or so he starts getting reviews that are critiquing his book and most of them boil down to the fact that he needs an editor or something 

he ends up asking nhs for help and he’s like oh sweet my brother’s boyfriend works for a publisher who does that sort of thing

cloud recesses actually specialises in erotica and i hate the idea that lqr has spent years reading and editing erotica but sacrifices must be made

(side note that i know nothing about the writing or publishing process so pls don’t judge me too harshly)

wwx goes in with his latest manuscript and ends up arriving like ten minutes late, he rushes into the room sweaty and hot, takes one look at the guy sitting on the other side of the desk, flushes an even brighter red and runs back out of the room. he checks the plaque on the door and walks back in slowly and goes hm i didnt expect you to be so hot

cue lan wangji

lwj has always enjoyed being an editor. what do editor do specifically? idk? edit? regardless, he enjoys it. 

while most of the time he’s happy working from this side of things he also likes writing

lwj fucks. he deserves it tbh. but, while he’s had a tonne of one night stands and fuckbuddies, he’s never actually dated someone. so the fact that he’s writing romance novels under the pseudonym hanguang-jun makes his friend jzx laugh a lot

he tried writing porn once and he just couldn’t do it. it was always too clinical or vague and lacked any actual passion bc he was always going oh okay mc sucks a dick but the guy i slept with last week was like a 6.4/10 when it came to sucking dick so maybe mc should also be bad at it or whatever and it just ends up falling apart,,,, but romance he can do

as an editor lwj has pretty high standards for good erotica but he’s really found himself enjoying yiling patriarch’s work even though he’s clearly just been editing himself so when the guy sent cloud recesses an email asking whether they’d be interested in his latest book lwj was ecstatic. 

he also didnt expect wwx to be so hot

anyway,,, we now get to enjoy a week of lwj thinking that wwx is super hot but even more annoying and then him deciding that annoying is hot and now wwx is just absolutely amazing and wwx is just panicking the entire time 

i want my publisher to rail me so hard wwx texts nhs and nhs just responds has he read the bdsm scene with the alien who has a tentacle dick and a knot yet? and wwx is like no??? nhs just goes shame, it will give him so ideas for if you ever grow a backbone and just ask him out

they publish one book together and nothing happened between them the entire time other than yearning and horniness,, of the heart and body. 

when wwx realises this means that he won’t get to see lwj again he immediately writes a new book and like a month later he’s back in lwj’s office, lying on his couch while whining about the cafeteria prices at university

lwj is very enamoured by the fact that wwx is writing erotica and studying biomed bc wow

they do this for like another three books and wwx’s eroticas evolve from here’s a dinosaur man fucking a politician while a mary sue watches on to be like here’s a dinosaur man with black hair and golden eyes and a stern look to his face fucking a politician while a mary sue watches on

and hanguang-jun’s latest book?? i dont want to say that this au’s version of wangxian is hanguang-jun finally finding inspiration to write porn (his muse is wwx of course) and writing the most amazing porn with feelings and plot novel ever,, but it is. 

wwx read it five times in the first week and when nhs finally tried to read it he was like uhhh wwx are you a narcissist, the love interest is exactly like you? and wwx is like ??? no???? he’s nothing like me??

anyway one day wwx gets called into lxc’s office and lxc is like so i’ve read your latest book (not the dinosaur man, a serious one with like normal people and not overly humorous thank fuck but still full of lwj yearning) and wwx is like okay? and lxc goes yes, see i was worried that you didn’t care very much for my brother but after reading your book i’m not so sure and wwx gets the weirdest shovel talk ever which is interspersed with like compliments for his porn writing skills

anyway lxc accidentally mentions that lwj writes books too and before he can take it back wwx is like who??? and lxc is like are you fucking stupid?? you told lwj to his face that you loved his books,,, he broke his theme of tender romance to write kinky sex with a character that’s a lot like you and wwx is like .,,,,,,,,, hanguang-jun??? HANGUANG-JUN???!!

lxc barely manages to confirm it before wwx is sprinting out of his office and across to find lwj.

regretfully for everyone else, lwj is in the lobby so thirty people get to hear it when wwx comes in and shouts LAN ZHAN!! back then, i really wanted write porn about you! ... i think i have actually? but i want to write porn about you and i want to be able to do the research to make it accurate! and i also want to go on dates and hold hands and feed each other food! and i love you a lot! 

lwj is dying inside bc his brother’s bf is there, his uncle is currently waiting for the elevators and a whole bunch of staff are also there but also wwx likes him??? dinosaur man was lwj??

he goes over and they make out for a really long time right there in the middle of the lobby but no one wants to get between them when they’ve been pining for so long

after that they start dating and they do all the romantic stuff but also,, let’s just say that the next book wwx publishes is a lot more creative than all of his previous books

and they become some writing power couple with horniness of the heart and body and sometimes wwx will be like hey lwj i don’t really know how the logistics of this sex scene will work and lwj will be like we could try it out ourselves? and wwx just pats him on the head and is like im sorry but you dont have enough dicks for it to work ),: better luck next time

[allkinds-oftrash]

Ya girl is watching the latest HSM series ep and Imma live blog it hshshs and will add my reactions under the cut so it doesn't end up a long post. Anyways, let's goo:

AHHHH THE MORNING SHOW WITH GINA AND EJ WE LOVE TO SEE IT

They really said we're gonna let life imitate art with Nini and Olivia huh

Ricky was SUPPORTIVE??? Damnn I really thought we gonna get a classic Ricky tantrum....

But also wow sir that sounds salty and should definitely talk to someone abt how you're feeling...A therapist maybe 👀

I know we needed to contextualise how Ricky felt abt the song but I really wanted to see Nini's interview in full!!

Sebby you're so cute I do wanna see yall do DEH

Shjshshs not the rights not being available for another 5 years 😭😭

I dunno how they're in great shape and closer to the Menkies Gold after not having a single proper rehearsal, but go off Miss Jenn

Omg honestly Kourt's costumes are always amazing and on point Imma excited to see it

Kourt is such a simp we love to see it

Carlos is so pissy this episode we love to see it shshhs

Also love the way Seb calms him down and keeps him nice it's such a funny dynamic

"We had 20 people make our Belle dress over 50 hours" Okay North High shut the fuck up

I'm calling it now the reason North High knows so much is cos Howie is the leak and Kourt has been unwittingly telling him. The way her phone keeps going off as they discuss how North High knows everything is really good foreshadowing if my prediction is right

Also like her phone went off just as Carlos said "How did they know that?" THAT'S PEAK FORESHADOWING

If Howie ain't in North High, I dunno what Tim is doing

GSJAGSHAH KOURTNEY MAKING ABS FOR EJ I CANNOT

"I have abs" We know sweetie

"I PADDED THE THUSH FOR YOU" "AWW THANKS KOURT I NEEDED THAT" THIS INTERACTION IS EVERYTHING THAT WAS SO FUNNY!! I love that it is now canon that EJ has abs but no butt love that for him

Okay but like damn these costumes are great!! North High can fuck right off with its high end ones I just wanna see lowkey homemade costumes by students; I'd watch a Broadway show if I wanted to see professional costumes okay

Damn Carlos has killer eyesight clocking in that mask in the trunk

GINA BBY DON'T SAY THAT AND HAHSGSH NINI NUDGING HER WAS SO FUNNY

Nini's little look over at Gina was like "Omg you guys my girlfriend is so cute and dumb" GINI STANS HOW WE FEELING?

Miss Jenn don't be that naive, your boyfriend probably put them up to it

That Insta page is prophetic with their timing tbh; all the info is a leak obviously looking at your Howie but like the timing of it all. Those kiddos don't know that they are discussing the stolen mask at this exact moment (Kourt has put down her phone after Carlos snapped at her so Howie doesn't know they are talking abt it rn)

"We don't dance with the enemy" *cuts to her dancing with Zackey later*

SEBBY WEARING THE TEACUP COSTUME OMG HE'S GOING MAKE SUCH A CUTE CHIP (yes I am still mad Seb/Joe was robbed but Imma fangirl over the costume anyway)

Wtf why does North High look so expensive - they are literally in the same district as East High right??? How did they get this much funding

North High is a very artsy and rich for a public school; they should have had Nini go here instead of YAC tbh (like this campus feels like what YAC should have been) NOW THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN AN INTERESTING STORYLINE

Seblos' dynamic IS ON POINT THIS EP I really love my bois so much and their back and forth is hilarious

Shhshs DIANE who loves volleyball and North High okay I totally believe it

WHY ARE RED AND ASHLYN SO KINKY EVERY DAMN EPISODE TIM THESE ARE UNDERAGED CHARACTERS STOP IT

Shshsh we love Gina knowing herself and practicing self control by volunteering to be the lookout

Omg yall listen to Carlos and stfu they are so lucky no one saw or heard them yelling Wildcats

Oh no no no no no Miss Jenn you gonna get sucked in; this is gonna be so messy

Omg I saw someone post about this scene before I watched the ep YALL ARE RIGHT THAT BOI HITTING ON GINA IS SO FINE Babes go for that one, not EJ

NOT THEM FAKE DATING UGH E W TIM STOP MAKING ROMANTIC PORTWELL A T H I N G I honestly do not understand how some of yall can ship it romantically knowing Sofia is a whole underaged babey and Matty is a whole ass grown man - like I get the appeal of the Wonderstudies getting together and they do have chemistry but the irl age gap is creepy and outweighs the appeal of shipping them romantically

As I always say; Portwell/Wonderstudies should be a BROTP not an OTP

Ugh Brotp Portwell would have clocked Lily right away; romantic Portwell making googly eyes at each other isn't helping anyone

Living for Nini getting the recognition she deserves - I really like her solo arc this season she's so much more interesting without Ricky tbh

Aww Kourt you simp I love her and I'm so happy she's happy I wanna be wrong about Howie being a North High kid

Where is the mask??

OHMYGOD THESE KIDS COMING IN LIKE A HORROR MOVIE

Lily really wishes she was Jesse St. James huh; you could never Lily so stop

Andrew Barth Feldman and his cute little French accent I love him so much

Hnng Miss Jenn gonna get manipulated by this hoe. Omg wowow Zackey really is a hoe, making out with another girl before the show THE AUDACITY OF HIM SAYING MISS JENN WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH I WILL THROW HANDS WITH THIS MOFO

Wait the kids didn't steal it BUT WHAT IF ZACKEY DID

Ssjsgfajhdfg I CANNOT WITH ANDREW'S ACCENT but I can't tell if its really bad or really good but I'm also confused why didn't they just cast a French person as Antonie shshhs Antoine is adorableee and a little shit the best type of character

Lily is so annoying b y e sis bye and Olivia Keegan is talented I just wish they didn't make her character such a cartoony villain type

"How about if we bop to the top" SEBBY I LOVE YOU AND NEVER STOP BEING SO CUTE I SWEAR and Awww Carlos called him Honey I am s o f t

Hnng why do these fools are really gonna give into North High calling them chickens

OHHH NO SHE DIDN'T JUST SAY THAT ABOUT ASHLYN FUCK A DANCE OFF I AM ABOUT TO THROW HANDS WITH A 16 YEAR OLD

"She told us not to dance with the enemy. She's better than this" No Sebby, she's not *cuts to her dancing with Zackey* AND OMG THE WAY I SAW THIS EDIT COMING BEFORE IT CAME

Ooooh I like this song wayyy more whatever the mess The Mob Song became (when I first heard it drop on Spotify yesterday) Around You is such a great song musically and lyrically very relevant to these two and gosh I love their voices together

They have so much chemistry damn, go home Mike (well he technically has oop) and Mr. Mazzara

YES YOU DO MISS JENN YOU ALWAYS HAD IT

Oh god this is the scene from the trailer; she's gonna make a move on Ricky isn't she?? Leave him alone Lily he doesn't need a 3rd girl to be confused about he needs a therapist

Lily shut the fuck up with quasi; STOP TRYING TO MAKE QUASI HAPPEN

"I love Nini's song" Sure, Jan.

...Okay yes you should have called him out but don't bait him LIKE THAT oop there's the scene from the trailer

Ohmygod is Andrew Barth Feldman gonna hit on Ashlyn

Okay this is so cute but also I am VERY annoyed with the way this show handles its characters like they aren't relevant or important unless they get into a relationship or a love triangle?? That's such a shitty way to give out screentime and arcs to characters. Is it not enough to develop the characters on their own and strengthen their friendship???

HUH TIM why you so obsessed with compulsory heterosexuality??(well also homosexuality for Seblos but they are the only ones I'm not annoyed with their relationship cos its a hella big step for Disney to have a gay couple and their relationship isn't in our faces or overshadows the plot and its just spinkles of cuteness every time they interact - they are honestly who Rini wishes they were; besties in love. They are a couple that Tim should be taking notes from; leave the relationship drama in the background, focus on the theatre and friendship aspect of everything)

My mini rant aside; this is a very adorable interaction between Ashlyn and Antoine.

"TOM HOLLAND ON STILTS" GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE WITH THAT COMPARISON I AM SCREAMING ANTOINE THAT'S SO FUNNY

This is so funny he keeps picking out the hottest guys of the group; as if he himself isn't the French version of Big Red they look super alike ngl shshsh

WHY YOU RUIN IT WITH THAT ANTOINE I WAS ROOTING FOR YOU

Drama between Antoine and Red is already spicing up shshsh I cannot

Why are you so dramatic with the shuffle Lily gtfo of here...also this doesn't make sense?? She wasn't even on a BATB playlist; what if a non BATB song came on ahahah

Good to know they aren't big fans of The Mob Song like I am Awww EJ you cutie, okay I will appreciate the OG Mob Song just for you

OH WAIT HE PROLLY LIKES IT COS ITS A GASTON LED SONG TIM GIMME THE EJ SOLO I DESERVE IN THIS NUMBER

I'm being robbed of Gaston for the last 7 eps I at least deserve an EJ solo for compensation

The way the set looks straight out of Broadway but also like omg the blue lighting and fancy stage gave me intense flashbacks to that Glee episode where Vocal Adrenaline sang Bohemian Rhapsody

RICKY STOP BEING SALTY AND ACTUALLY COMMUNICATE WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND LIKE A NORMAL PERSON

OMG THE SUBTITLES SAID ITS HOWIE SINGING AS THE BEAST I FUCKING CALLED IT

Howie you hoe you gonna break my girl Kourtney's heart

Yeah...still not a fan of Antoine's Dance Remix

Yall know Gina would kill the dance number if she wasn't wearing that fit

Okay but it's Gaston led song WHY DOES EVERYONE BUT EJ HAVE A SOLO IN THIS SONG??

First the Beasts led it (Howie sounded better than Ricky ngl), then the Lumieres (their voices worked hella well together; I always forget what a talented singer Frankie is THEY NEED TO GIVE HIM A SOLO SONG) and now the Belles are going at it (Ashlyn's voice is superior)

BIG RED BEING JEALOUS AND SALTY IS SO FUNNY ITS LIKE A PUPPY BEING ANGRY I CRI

...Did anyone really win, Lily??? STFU

CARLOS IS RIGHT AND HE SHOULD SAY IT

Oooh I did see someone talk about this when the Rose Song dropped last week, apparently its illegal to add songs to a musical you're doing for a school play; I really thought the show would brush past that irl rule but I guess they are playing into it

THE WAY EVERYONE TURNED TO EJ FOR THE SPORTS METAPHOR I AM D Y I N G AND HIS FACE WAS GOLDEN! ITS LIKE THAT LISA SIMPSON MEME SHHSHSH

Okay Nini is being a little pissy about leaving her song out of the show and its a little selfish to wanna keep it at the risk of being disqualified but I also understand why she's hurt

Everyone is dog piling on her right now being against her idea and it feels like they are being against her song and her herself instead of them not wanting to be disqualified. Also like she poured her heart and soul into the song after Miss Jenn lowkey rushed her to write it. So I can see why this feels like a rejection of her and her song and why she's so hurt rather than her seeing the big picture right now

It doesn't help that Ricky said the final blow causing her to walk off

Okay maybe Zackey gets some rights for being chill and wanting the kids to be peers

THIS MOTHERFUCKER I KNEW HE WAS SHADY Also the way I gasped even though I predicted he stole the mask halfway through this ep shshsh

Stab him Miss Jenn STAB HIM

Bitch why you so threatened by East High if yall have such a Broadway-esque show planned??? They honestly should have stuck to the Little Mermaid; I really wanted to see the aquarium

"It's just a song Ricky" "A song can mean everything" Do you get deja vu? Anyone else getting intense flashbacks to Jan when DL first dropped and all the drama happened 👀

YES PLEASE STAY CO ANCHORS Gosh I love them so much esp once you take the romantic connotations out of their interactions

ROUGE GRAND I'M SCREAMING

I love this long take of checking in with everyone's relationship status (still hate how romantically focused this show has become but still a cool shot)

I K N E W IT I WAS RIGHT

Okay but like looking at Kourtney's face I have never wanted to be wrong so bad GOD I HATE IT HERE I really think he likes her and I hope they work it out

Nini setting up her own music acc feels like when Olivia rebranded her whole IG to be just for her music stuff - love this for both of them

AHHHHH SHE'S NINA NOW YALL

I know everyone loves her as Nini but like I have always loved the name Nina and it really suits her to be honest also shows how she's growing up now and kind of leans into the lyric "I won't be confined to your point of view" from The Rose Song because Nini is the nickname Ricky gave her so it shows that she's outgrowing him too and I love that for her!

Overall thoughts; they really crammed all the North High drama into one ep huh. Personally would have liked it if all of this was spread out throughout the last few episodes; like different hijinks for every episode. I'm just a big fan of properly setting up the overall arc over the season instead of patching it together closer to the climax/end of the show. Cos now it lowkey feels like two different seasons - 2A felt like The Rini/Rina Show esp with YAC storyline and whatever was going on with Rina and now 2B is finally feeling like what this season should have been all this time

[leverage-ot3]

notable moments from The Gimme a K Street Job

leverage 5.05

lemme just start by addressing the episode synopsis: “to take down a competitive cheerleading company which profits by putting teenage girls at risk, the team must tackle their most corrupt foe yet: congress”

y’all they went SO HARD for 2012 and I stan them SO HARD for that

- - - - -

Parker (into video camera on phone): Do you hate me? You hate me. Is that why you’re making me—

[Leverage Headquarters]

Parker (on display): —do this?

Nate: No, Par-Parker, these girls... they need a coach, and you’re the best gymnast I know.

Hardison: Besides, it puts you on the inside at Pep H.Q. In D.C. They’re running cheer camp for the next week up until championship.

Parker: But they’re teenage girls. What do I know about teenage girls?

Nate: You were a teenage girl?

Parker: Only sort of

parker I guarantee you’ll be in your element soon enough

but, in the meantime, parker complaining to nate like an offended child to a parent is everything

- - - - -

Sophie: Look, did you know about this? Girls being dropped from 20 feet. It’s unbelievable.

Parker: I know, right? 20 feet? Psh! Walk it off.

Sophie: Parker, you do know that normal people don’t just “walk off” a 20-foot fall, right?

Parker: So... all those times I pushed Hardison off a building and he was all “aah!”... he wasn’t just being funny?

(Hardison shakes his head)

Eliot: I thought it was funny, Parker.

Hardison: No way in hell was it funny.

Eliot: You’re always upside down, man.

Hardison: I fell off a building. I was upside...

Eliot: Like a Himalayan tree frog.

Hardison: You calling me a frog? You calling me a damn frog? Say it again. Say it to my face

I’d die for this chaotic ot3

eliot “I thought it was funny” spencer made sure to both reassure parker and fuck with hardison in the saME B R E A T H

- - - - -

Nate: Ah, there’s the crux of the problem right there. Technically, legally, cheerleading is not a sport. It’s an activity.

Sophie: What’s the difference?

Eliot: A sport has legally mandated safety standards.

Nate: Yes, and a for-profit company cannot run a sport, which is why pep wants to keep Competitive cheer from becoming a sport.

I don’t know why I was expecting someone to bash cheerleading the show had never ever let me down and I should have known better

- - - - -

Sophie: Ah, I love government. Shady deals, back-room meetings... It is grifter paradise.

Eliot: This is wrong. We work outside the law, not smack-dab in the middle of it.

Nate: Relax, Eliot. Elected officials are the easiest marks in the world. Between their ego, the greed, and the politics... More hooks than a bait shop

another fucked up government episode let’s go

- - - - -

Eliot: Right. Assuming it passes.

Hardison: Assuming what? It’s a bill to keep high-school girls out of wheelchairs. Who’s gonna vote against it?

[Congressional Meeting]

LeGrange: Ladies and gentlemen, this bill is a staggering... I say a staggering overreach of government power.

Eliot: You were saying

eliot is smug and loves proving hardison wrong on principle

- - - - -

LeGrange: Now, I was a quarterback in high school, so I think I know a thing or two about cheerleaders. And one thing I know is that they do not want big government getting all up in their business.

(Barron and Snyder enter the room)

LeGrange: Cheerleaders are strong, independent young women. They don’t need a bunch of white-haired old men from Washington telling them what to do. They don’t need a nanny state dictating their every move

this whole thing was so gross wtf

- - - - -

(Hardison uses his phone to create feedback on the sound system. A technician struggles to fix it while Hardison hands Eliot his phone)

Hardison: Just press this button.

LeGrange: I said, who knows what...

(Eliot presses button and the feedback gets worse)

they lowkey grinned at each other when they did it ,,,

they’re a chaotic duo that thrives on fucking with people and I stan them so hard for it

two words: assholery boyfriends

- - - - -

Nate: No, not... not marks. Elected officials. We do this right, we’ll have them eating out of our hand by dinner.

(hours later, Hardison enters looking exhausted. The others are seated around looking tired as well)

Eliot: “Eating out of our hand by dinner,” huh?

Hardison (sits down): Anybody else feel like we’ve been chewed up and spit out

and that’s government, people

- - - - -

Sophie: I like stealing things that are real. Cash... of course. Land... sure. Art... yes, please. Corn subsidies? Not so much.

let sophie steal expensive art from rich snobs pls it’s what she deserves

- - - - -

Girl: Um, coach?

Parker: Right! Okay, who’s up for some basic gymnastics drills?

(Parker presses a button and LASER light lines shine between orange cones. A girl in the back raises her hand)

Parker: Yes. You. What are you called?

Madison: Madison. Can I be excused? I don’t feel well.

Parker: But... We have... laser grid, Madison. Laser grid. Huh?

(on phone call)

Parker: They’re so jaded

I hope they still learned how to dodge lasers at the end

also ,,, THEIR PERFORMANCE WAS SO GOOD AT THE END PARKER TAUGHT THEM SO WELL

- - - - -

LeGrange: No, no. Listen carefully, son. Now, people don’t donate to me to buy my vote. People donate to me because they already know how I’m gonna vote. People donate to me because of my integrity. Now, if your people are interested in me, I’m happy to have your money. But if you think you can buy a vote off of J.J. LeGrange, well, you got another think coming.

[Empty Office]

Sophie: You mean...

Eliot: Yeah, I mean the guy’s got integrity. Elected official or not, you can’t con an honest man

congressman: *is honorable*

eliot:

sophie:

hardison:

nate:

*team collectively embodies the surprised pikachu meme*

- - - - -

Nate: Okay, so what’s your next play?

Eliot: Well, you’re supposed to be the mastermind. He doesn’t want power. He doesn’t want money. Maybe he really is an honest man.

Nate: Everyone has a hook, Eliot. Everyone has a weakness you can exploit.

Eliot: Do you?

Nate: No. You?

Eliot: No. Look, maybe this doesn’t fit into your world view, Nate, but there are some people out there that just want to serve. Trust me. I served with them.

Nate: Okay. Well, if all they want to do is serve, you can exploit that, too.

they totally have hooks and it’s the team but smh act like y’all are untouchable whatever

- - - - -

(Parker turns on a light in Ashley’s face)

Ashley: Madison talked to me in confidence.

Parker: A big word for a little girl.

Nate: Where’s Madison?

(Parker leans down into Ashley’s face, growling)

she literally G R O W L E D LMFAO

- - - - -

Parker: Madison? Madis... (sees Madison) Madison, hey, what are you doing down here? (helps Madison up) Everybody’s freaking out. Come on, we got to get you to the competition.

Madison (jerks away): I don’t want to compete.

Parker: What? Why not?

Madison: I don’t want to mess up again.

Parker: What are you talking about? When do you mess up? You’re great.

Madison: Seriously?

Parker: Oh. You were Marcy’s spotter.

Madison: I don’t know what went wrong. We’d done it a hundred times. Everything was going perfectly. (sits down) I just don’t want anyone else to get hurt.

(Nate clears his voice. Parker sits beside Madison)

Parker: Look... I’m not afraid of heights or falling or... Anything I probably should be. But do you know what I am afraid of? Letting down the people I care about. Look, you don’t have to compete if you don’t want to compete. But I think your friends are gonna feel a lot safer knowing that you’re there, instead of having no one there.

(Madison nods)

Parker: Right? Did, uh, that work? Because I kind of got to get all the way up to the roof, so... (leaves the area)

parker NEVER would have been able to be vulnerable and understanding like that in the earlier seasons and we are SO PROUD of her and her character growth

+

“But do you know what I am afraid of? Letting down the people I care about.”

SHE LOVES HER FAMILY SO MUCH AND NEVER WANTS ANYTHING TO HAPPEN TO THEM

also ,,, nate’s fond look at her when she’s saying this ??? im soft

- - - - -

Cheerleader: Ready! Ready!

Announcer: Let’s hear it for the MHS Badgers!

Announcer: Ready! Ready! Let’s go!

Nate: Ready?

[Congresswoman Berkus’ Office]

Hardison: Ready.

[Sophie’s Office]

Sophie: Ready.

[Hallway]

Eliot: Ready.

[Pep Athletics Headquarters]

Parker: Ready.

Nate: Let’s go.

they’re so extra I love them

- - - - -

Ashley: Where’s coach?

Madison: She’ll be here. She won’t let us down.

Man: Wolves, you’re up.

Female announcer: Let’s give it up for the Wolves.

Parker: I’m here! I’m here! I’m here! All right, let’s huddle up. I bet you guys could use a pep talk right about now, huh?

(cheerleaders agree)

Parker: For Marcy?

Madison: For Marcy.

Parker: Go, wolves.

All: Go-o-o-o, wolves!

(cheerleaders perform an outstanding routine. Barron approaches Nate as he watches)

parker THRIVED during this episode and you can’t change my mind

- - - - -

parker watching over the cheer team with pride is my religion

- - - - -

also BIG PROPS to the producers that showed male cheerleaders too

- - - - -

LeGrange: Hi. (to Parker) How are you? J.J. LeGrange.

Parker: I don’t vote.

parker is chaotic and we love her for it

- - - - -

Hardison: And what was that about?

Sophie: Huh? Oh, I was j... I was, um, just planning a little trip to the gulf. The military are breaking ground on Fort Devereaux.

Hardison: Fort Devereaux?

Sophie: Mm-hmm. I love government.

Parker: Missed you guys this week. Good game.

I WANNA SEE FORT DEVERAUX

also parker wrapping her arms around sophie and hardison, happy to have her people and admitting that she missed them? the pOWER

- - - - -

Nate: Good job on this one.

Eliot: I know what you’re trying to do, Nate. You could have told me how to hook LeGrange the whole time, but you wanted to see if I could figure it out on my own. I trust someday very, very soon, you’re gonna tell me what kind of game you’re playing.

Nate: Good job on this one.

(Nate walks away. Eliot smiles, but watches him walk away)

eliot’s bashful little smile at the end is everything

[scorpcorpse]

5/18/20 - type time 732-822pm

so yesterday i went on tinder just like i always do when im feeling extra bored and lonely. well anyway i matched with cute looking boy so he messages me. 

PS im writing all of this here because i feel weird telling my friends what was all said. i told them a bit but not everything.

so we end up talking, and surprisingly it was a good conversation. it was very random though. im laughing and smiling at my phone. my conversations die fast or are about topics i dont really care for. im always into the conversation though no matter what especially because i like talking to people. moving on, you cant send picture on tinder so he sends me his number while reassuring me that he wont be sending dick pics (yay). he’s ranting on and on, flooding my phone with compliments. we’re talking this whole quarantine to him thanking the universe he’s glad he’s talking to a person who is pretty and cool. we talk about all the weird interactions we’ve had on this app and how everyone is soooo horny. he goes to tell me he loves my hair, he says i look like the type of girl, in a show, if i had just gone through hell, and i were to run my fingers through my hair it would just fall back into over my face so perfectly. i was like wtf. i didnt know what to say because that is very very very far from the truth. i would just look like hell. we go on to talk about our personalities and whether we are more introverted or extroverted. he’s more introvert while im more extrovert. i told him though it kind of changes depending on the situation like if i was on a date or getting serious with a person. we talk about how we hate it when people are mean to others by telling others to be quiet when theyre being too loud when it isn’t bothering anyone (does that make sense) like if youre having a good time by yourself and someone tells you to shut up or be quiet because it’s annoying them. he said he would never ever tell me to be quiet. he’s only really loud when he’s excited or passionate about something. we talk more of our dating life, he has a bigger dating pool than me though. he asks me again for the fifth time later; how am i doing, are you bangin, are you sewing sweaters? he wants to know everything. this all has me confused and intrigued. is it weird that i feel like he is very interested in actually talking to me. he asks me if i would be willingly to break quarantine to hang out. i tell him quarantine is okay eh.. im holding up okay, i do need to worry about my big head that only has two brain cells left. i also tell him im the biggest broke bitch he’ll ever meet. he says i wont ask you to pay for anything so dont worry your big head. he understands i dont want to go out. he says we can just talk and hangout over facetime. he proceeds to ask if he can ft me right now. its 2am and i look like a fucking mess. i say im a catfish he says fuck it, im half awake and im not looking for looks. next thing i know he’s calling. we talk for three hours. 

what happens in those next three hours is weird. i dont even know what happened. well immediately i ask him about his tattoos so he gives me the whole run down of his tattoos on his arms. there super cool i like them. my favorite word is yuck and apparently that’s his too because he has that tattooed on his wrist. the meaning is sad kind of he said thats how he felt about himself when he was younger so that drove him to doing that tattoo to himself. he has another arm tattoo where he throws a small detail of him having it to remind him of his friend, his old life of being on the streets and being addicted to drugs. this threw me off because he brushed over it like it was nothing. i didn’t know what else to say. i said uh okay. i wanted to scream are you okay? are you sober now? how are you? but nothing came out. he talks of his other tattoos. conversation changes to him complimenting me again. he wants to see my while face instead just my eyes and nose. i tell him about piercings. he talks about his band. he talks about the punk community. he’s rambling but it doesn’t bother me because i like how soft and soothing his voice is. he continues telling me how pretty i am, like he doesn’t stop for like two minutes. at this point i tell him im not going to respond to you anymore, im not going to take it. he tells me to take it. i take it. i dont believe him though. he can’t see my body, he can barely see my face. i have ance and my face is fat. i know i look disgusting. as he continues to say nice things about me i feel like he’s lying because no one does that. i feel like he’s saying to just make fun of me. im hating all of this. i try not to blush. im smiling. i always change the subject when he makes me feel weird and uncomfortable by saying okay or alrighty anyway. he asks me where are you from, whats make me, me? i try to think of things to say. i tell him about my being in california with no family. i tell him that the one thing that matters the most to me if my relationship with my little sister and all my friends. he agrees because same. he goes on to relate and tells me he’s all alone too. he tells me his dad is gone, his mom is too. he’s an alcoholic. he’s sober now he’s been sober for a year now. he’s okay. i tell him im sorry. im proud of you and how far you have come. im always here if you want to talk. he says no no no no dont say any of that stuff. i tell him again and that i mean it. i really do mean it too. (IF NONE OF THIS MAKES SENSE AND YOURE STILLING READING THANK YOU AND ILY, IF YOU KNOW ANYONE WITH OBSESSIVE OR ADDICTIONS please be there for them, it gets super hard to be there but try and help them push through another day) we go on to more random talking. before i finally get sleepy and he says he’s gonna let me go and sleep. he asks if we can see each other. he tells me when he first saw me he wanted to fuck me but he knew that wouldn’t make him feel any better. he’d still be alone. he then decided to message me because he actually felt like putting in the effort to get to know me. not just for sake of fucking me but to know me like he seems to do a little now. he doesn’t much know about me though. he asks if we can talk tomorrow. he says i hope we can actually meet up and im totally cool with just hanging out with you and just vibing. we dont have to do anything. i just want to chill with you. i tell him thanks for telling me all of this. i appreciate it because many guys dont say any of this. i say yes we can talk tomorrow, i’ll text you. we can be friends and once this all settles down maybe we can meet in person. he then tells me, im only going to say this once and im never going to remind you again. im cool with friends with you but that’s not my intention. i want to be more than friends, i want to your person, your boyfriend. but until youre ready after a while of us talking and when it crosses your mind where you like me and think of me differently then we can move on to being more. i was just sitting starring at my phone in shock. i didnt know what to do or say. i was confused. in my mind i wss like okay yes we have a 2 hour text convo and a 3 hour phone call but what. you cant say of this after that can you. i agreed because it was the only that could come out of my mouth at the time. he says okay, my name, i’ll you go and sleep. goodnight. i tell him goodnight. we hang up the phone. now i turn my body around to my back on the bed starring at the ceiling saying what the hell just happened. i fall asleep. 

IM sORRY for my ramble. i was in shock and im confused and scared like what if turns out to be bad for me. but all the compliments, the soothing voice, the small hints well actually big hints of his battle with addiction. ps he also tells me about his anger issues and therapy. i feel weird. i slowly started to be seduced by him, like he started to seduce me. iykyk lmao. 

[kaytymfknelise-blog]

I have no idea what I am doing

So, i had this bright idea to make a blog. I guess the idea behind this is to just let people know there is hope, even though life is hard, and fast, and confusing af.  So, I guess today I’m just gonna spew off who i am and how i got to this point.  So the first thing you should all know is that i am a lifestyle coach. My mission is to inspire people and help them get through the rough stuff, cause I’m like a pro at it.  Also, I am an addict in recovery.  I had a serious 5 year love affair with heroin.  They told me during my 4 months in rehab that 1. relapses happen and 2. Don’t expect anything to work out the way you think, don’t depend on ANYTHING but yourself.  Well, I was 25 then and i knew more then them, obviously! I wasn’t ready to grow.  I was ready to learn, but i was definitely in control of my life and knew all the right things.  (this is sarcasm, for those of you a bit confused) So I left rehab and killed the mother fucking game for 6 months.  Then I moved closer to my old stomping grounds, went to a bonfire and got mixed up with some old friends, and some new ones.  The night ended with me being to drunk to remember how I got home, or who my new boyfriend was.  That new boyfriend did coke, which I’d done when i was like in high school, but hadn’t touched it in years, I didn’t then either, but the seed was planted. After he dumped me and tried to hand me off to one of his friends, I felt like shit, so I asked for coke. Instead I found crack.  In 3 months I went from 100% sober to being the worst junkie i had ever been. My dealers hated me cause I was annoying as fuck, but they would benefit by the end, so fuck em’. My husband (now ex-husband) decided he would start selling crack! Brilliant idea when your wife is a crack fiend.  Then this dude left me in charge of his night sales, cause I obviously didn’t sleep. Well I smoked all the crack - can you believe it?  We were broke, I was a terrible human, I had lost myself for the billionth time, but this time I had 6 months sober, so I knew this was possible.  Recovery is different for everyone, for me my environment is a huge factor, I have to completely relocate to maintain my sobriety. So after 5 years of my mom begging for me to come to Maine, I finally go. (worst. decision. ever. but we will get there!). So now i am a very recent ex stripper, covered in tattoos, with purple hair-in the most judgemental place I have ever been. Well to say I stood out would be a massive understatement. I mean the way spanish and black dudes look at white chicks with nice butts; that's how these conservative bible humpers looked at me. I had never seen anything like it, and i was a white girl with a nice butt in the hood, so Ive gotten looks! It didn’t take me long to get a job and get myself out there, I colored my hair black (boring), took out my piercings (lame), and stopped wearing high heels (why?). But I was a waitress, I was sober,making bank, had a beautiful family I was pretty happy.  4 years go by, I get yet another boyfriend (I’m way divorced by this point), who decides to punch my kitchen window out. Well, apparently in the state of Maine when you call the police because you feel unsafe, they take away your kids.  So, here I am  soberish (wine is a thing) with no kids, and no clue wtf just happened.  So, when your manic bipolar and your life is falling apart you do some crazy shit, have sex with everyone (my personal fave), spend all your money (I like this one too), Pick up and move your entire life within like 7 hours (this one is fun as well). So I found the biggest, baddest, “sexiest” dude I could.  He spent 20 years in prison, was a felon, no job, no car - ya know, a real winner.  Well this man, I don’t know what it was about him, but my god he has a knack for ruining fucking lives, or getting you to ruin your own is probably more accurate. Well, this asshole brings a bag of heroin IN MY FUCKING HOUSE and offers it to me.  So I’m the type of junkie that if i cant IV that shit, ill pass - that’s wasting.  Well when you have fake balls you have to shoot testosterone, how convenient. Now I’m banging dope after 4 YEARS sober *face palm*.  Well this dude and my best friend of 3 years fucked in my bed and left together, their still together tho, so there’s a positive?  Well, losing my best friend was fucking HARD; I mean that girl was my WHOLE LIFE, like I cant even explain the closeness I *thought* we had. So guess what I did? Heroin, that’s what. Did that shit 2 more times, then was like dude, wtf are you doing!? I stopped for awhile, but when the state took my kids, one went to her dad - so I had to go to CT to see her.  So I pull into Hartford, CT (this is my biggest trigger, i know exactly where to get everything I need, quickly. I avoid Hartford at all costs).  So, I pull in and my original plans fell through, so I called my friend to chill, but upon arrival that also fell through. Bad bad news.  So I go shoot up, and overdose. this being the THIRD time I ODd, and the worst biggest fuck up because my kid wasn’t far. Hate me all ya want, It was horrible and disgusting, I agree - but it happened. About 4/5 days before my overdose I joined this amazing group of ladies, all rocking their businesses, getting fit, and being GENUINELY happy.  When I saw this, I knew I wanted it.  When I overdosed, I knew I needed it. Fast forward to today, its been a month or so since that horrific day, I have a med card so besides bud I haven’t put anything substance like in my body.  I have lost 16 pounds, my energy levels are higher then ever, my mental state is definitely improved, anxiety is down, depression altered a bit, def still bipolar but managing fabulously, considering the circumstances.  I still cry, I carry guilt, I feel weird being in a home with no children, things are by no means perfect, but EVERYDAY, I wake up, I show up, and i implement practices and habits to make my life better and be my best self.  I surround myself with ladies that respect themselves, and other women.  I relocated from that shitty little judgmental town. I live in a place that's more “city” and I can tell you for the first time ever I am looking at the POSITIVES, and only that.  I refuse to let anything negative around me; it still hits, people still try, but I have learned to pull my energy away from that.  After 4 years sober, the sobriety doesn't scare me at all, It is how quickly you can go right back is something you denied so strongly, and fought so hard to end up at what feels like the beginning, but life will always teach you. So, I think I am writing this blog because I need to hold myself accountable, I need somewhere to be honest, and my life since about 16 has been anything but easy; I’m here to reassure you, you can do this, you can come out on the other end, all you have to do is show up! Today I am alive, and free, and I have a good life! xo.

[skinniplease]

I’m fucking sick

So here’s my story.

When I was 13 my family and I were visiting my family in California (in July). They were all weighing themselves and told me to step on. I was 5’0 tall and the scale read 135 lbs. My step mom exclaimed that I was too heavy and needed to lose weight. I cried myself to sleep that night and starved myself the entire next day. The next night I got drunk. The day after that, I barely ate. The week went on with me barely eating.

When we came home I went vegetarian in some attempt to lose weight. (The moral reasons came after.) I also stopped eating breakfast and lunch and would only eat small amounts at dinner time. Because I was vegetarian, I was able to make my own meals instead of eating my family’s greasy food. Almost everyday I ate a sandwich with smashed avocado and chickpeas in place of mayo with red peppers, spinach, tomatoes, and a vegan jalapeño cheese. I wasn’t vegan at the time but I wanted to cut out some fats so I didn’t eat very much dairy. In two months I went from 135 to 108.

I started school again that September (14 years old). My classmates were shocked at my size. My xs yoga pants were a little baggy. My ex boyfriend asked me if I was sick. Like seriously sick. He thought I had cancer.

I didn’t like looking sick but I did like being skinny. I made it a goal to slowly put some weight on. It took me 6 months to get to 112 lbs and I stayed there for about two years. During this time I still didn’t eat breakfast, I only ate lunch like 2x a week. For dinner I lived off of mac n cheese and blueberry waffles. If I ate too much and felt guilty, I puked. All of my lunch money went to weed, booze, and shrooms (16 years old). Blueberry waffles were my munchies. Then I got caught with weed in my moms house. I got in a lot of trouble and wasn’t allowed to be home alone. I started to eat more fruits which then made me put on more weight but I didn’t try to stop it. I wasn’t happy about it but I just managed it. I maintained 125 for a while. My parents made me go to the gym with them 6 days a week because they wouldn’t leave me at home. I worked out for 1 1/2 hours 6 days a week. 3 days a week I also did an hour long yoga class before my workout. My weight dropped to 118 but I was very toned and thin. I looked great.

When they finally let me be alone after 9 months of being grounded, I started smoking cigarettes. When I didn’t have them, I ate a ton. They curbed my appetite. (My weight went back up to 125.)Every morning before school I made myself an iced coffee and left my house with enough time for me to drive around for 20-30 minutes before school so I could smoke and just relax. That stopped when I totaled my car doing exactly that (17 years old).

I had just started dating my (current) boyfriend a month before. Within a year I gained 30 pounds. I went back to eating meat and we ate A LOT of junk food. In year two I gained another 30 pounds before I really noticed how big I’d gotten. One day I weighed myself and saw I was now 186 lbs. Holy shit how did that happen? That was December of 2017 (19 years old).

I knew I needed to lose weight but I was terrified I’d relapse into my eating disorders so I put it off. Finally after 3 months, I decided I’d try but I knew I needed to be very careful so I didn’t slip. I lost 10 pounds. Then I went to visit my family in Cali again and literally ALL they cooked all two weeks was fried food. I ate everything in moderation but still felt like shit. When I came back home after 16 days, I had gained 6 lbs back. I gave up.

From March to September of 2018 I tried SO many diets. None of them worked well enough for me. All of my friends were encouraging me to lose weight but didn’t understand how dangerous that was, even though I told them all about my past. After failing to lose weight so many times I started to feel like maybe there was something else going on. My thyroid gland was swollen so I started to think maybe it just couldn’t happen for me and gave up. In October I was at my grandparents house and decided to step on the scale. I was 184 lbs. FUCK! Why did I let myself get back here?!

The next two days while I was there I ate around 800 cals and logged them all. The rest of the week, under 600 cals. I couldn’t stand the thought of being that weight anymore so I just gave in. In one week I dropped 6 lbs. It was mostly water weight. After that first week I maintained for 10 days and that really fucked me up. The next week I dropped another 3 lbs and thought my plateau was over. Nope, there it goes again for 7 days. Since then I’ve been losing in 1 lb incriminates every 3-4 days. I now switch up my calorie intake. Monday’s and Tuesday’s I eat around 1,000-1,200 and the rest of the week I eat under 800. Wednesday’s are kinda hard for me for a lot of reasons so I pretty much always go over on Wednesday’s ):

Sunday night of this week I started a fast. I was aiming for 24 hours but by the time I knew it, I was at 36. So I thought I’d try to stretch it to 48. Tuesday morning I woke up in a sweat because I couldn’t figure out how to lie to my boyfriend about not eating that day. We always go out to eat on tuesdays. I spent 6 hours curled in a ball on the couch panicking waiting for him to wake up. Then when we left, he kept asking if I was okay because I wouldn’t make eye contact and I seemed off. I told him I didn’t want to talk about it. I was trying to stop the war in my head about breaking my fast at 40 hours. I felt like such a failure but I knew if I didn’t break it, he’d catch on.

Yesterday, I ate a low calorie breakfast and an hour later binged on a bunch of junk. 15 minutes later I felt like shit about myself and saw a photo of 5 lbs of fat and ran to the bathroom to puke. I don’t want that. Why’d I binge? I ate 800 calories in 10 minutes. Wtf. So I purged until it physically hurt to do it anymore. I’m sure I didn’t get it all though. I felt so much better. About 6 hours later, I had dinner and then binged AGAIN. So I immediately said I was going to take a shower and turned on the water and purged again. I tried to be quiet but I couldn’t so I had to stop halfway through. I feel like shit because I couldn’t even do that right.

When I got out of the shower he asked me “were you coughing up a lung in there?”

“Yeah”

“Yeah every now and then I heard *makes choking noise* and thought dang I hope she’s not getting sick in there”

I couldn’t look him in the eye and I got in bed. I feel so shitty about lying.

Now I’m afraid to eat anywhere other than home in case I feel the urge to throw up. I don’t want to deal with bulimia again. Anorexia is bad enough as it is. My relapse yesterday is really fucking me up. Puking isn’t fun and it doesn’t feel good but it felt good to lose control for a minute and then rid my body of it. It made me feel like I gained back some control.

But now I’m scared to eat anything simply because I don’t want to make myself feel guilty and purge. I don’t know what to do.

Also, it’s pretty fucking sad I’ve been dealing with this off and on and at different extremes since I was 13 years old. I’m fucking 20 now. I thought I recovered in late high school but looking back, I’m not sure I did...

[chronic-confessions]

Confession #3,258

Part 1 - no support from family for boyfriend kind of

Ever since day one my parents never have supported me or thought I was “faking” my pain. I used to miss a ton of school because in the morning I would wake up and feel so nauseous and sometimes vomit, I would be so exhausted and still tired or wake up with headaches and be so tired throughout school id fall asleep in class, on the bus, and come home and sleep for five hours once I got home from school. They used to force me to go to school because I had to and the whole time they thought I was just faking it so stay home and sleep in. Then when my stomach problems started coming up my parents thought I was faking it again and complaining about my stomach to go to the doctors and get notes and excuses to miss school. Especially in the beginning when the doctors couldn’t find much wrong with me. Until they did an endoscopy and found gastritis and ulcers and eventually did a gastric emptying test and found I have gastroparesis. N guess what? The doctors diagnosed me with all of this shit in-front of my parents and even showed the pictures of the ulcer and gastritis in my stomach and my parents still think I’m faking it. 

They always tell me how if I “ate better I wouldn’t have any problems” or “ if you wouldn’t of had went vegetarian this wouldn’t of had happened to you” and all of this bullshit. It pisses me off so bad especially since now here I am 20 years old and still suffering from stomach problems having flare ups and now new symptoms where two of my doctors thinks I have some kind of autoimmune disease possibly multiple sclerosis. I sleep so much at least 10-13 hours a day and my boyfriend constantly calls me lazy to my face. I just don’t understand how people can be in the room with me while the doctors clearly is saying there’s something wrong with me and then they turn around and talk shit like they don’t know I have chronic illnesses. My boyfriend literally told me that in the future he’s not going to let me sleep in because I need to be productive and wake up early and cook breakfast and do all of this shit and I actually cried because wtf. I have a ton of anxiety my doctor thinks I’m depressed as well and having no support or anyone to talk to makes it completely worse. I can’t even have sex anymore because majority of the time I get these SEVERE cramps that make me want to vomit and my boyfriend has seen me collapse on the floor crying curled up in a ball in pain and then asks me to have sex again the next day. I stopped working and I know my boyfriend doesn’t like it because he says shit like “ it must be fun to sit around at home all day especially if you get approved for disability, shit lay around and get paid for it”. It makes me feel so bad especially since sometimes I have good days and sometimes I have terrible days. Especially when I have a flare up and I’m really sick for a week this is why I don’t want to get another job. It’s like when I’m sick my boyfriend takes care of me but then when I have a few days where I’m less sick and feeling OKAY to do things he’s like “ why don’t you get a part time job”. Idk like my boyfriend is better than my parents but he doesn’t get it. He has these severe chronic painful migraines and I’m so supportive of him and do everything I can to help him and he should understand how I feel because he misses a lot of school and work because of the migraines but yet when I used to stay home from work because I was nauseous and having abdominal pains he would sigh and just be like “ so you’re really not going to work today?” And just make me feel really bad. I especially can’t talk to my sister because she’s called me a “hypochondriac” multiple times even though she has fucking diabetes since she was like 6 years old she should understand too. I hate how my sister and boyfriend both think because they still push through work and school that I should just “suck it up” and try to live a normal life. Don’t even get me started with the shit people say to me when I mention I want to file for disability. My parents,friends, and boyfriend all say something along the lines of “ you’re fine just get a easy job” “ you don’t quality for disability you just ant to lay around all day” etc. it really breaks my heart and makes me feel so bad that I can’t talk to ANYBODY when I’m sick or feeling sad and want to vent. Something that kind of makes me mad if that my boyfriends mom has a virus that she is fine most of the time but sometimes gets really sick as has to go get blood transfusions and medications in the hospital and stuff and my boyfriends dad keeps her from working and everyone is all over helping her but yet when I have a flare up and having s lot of nausea and abdominal pains and all these other symptoms people tell me to take a tums and get up. Like I have a diagnosis of serious stuff too just because the doctors don’t ever want to keep me in the hospital doesn’t mean it’s not serious. If I’m being honest the times I go to the hospital for pain the doctors treat me like I’m looking for drugs or tell me that I’m “just constipated and drink some water”. Like the way everyone has been treating me has been bringing me down so much and there’s no way of escaping it. 

Part two: I don’t know why my health is so bad for more than half of my life

Ever since I was 9 I’ve been in pain starting with my periods. I was put on birth control and it’s helped a lot so that’s hardly one of my issues now. When I was around 13 that’s when my stomach problems started and now that I’m 20 years old two doctors think I have multiple sclerosis and I’m going to see a neurologist next month. It’s been really hard for me to deal with being in pain all the time since I was young but I feel like I’m almost accustomed to the pain that I don’t show it so much on the outside. Especially when it comes to my nausea I’m nauseous every single day and usually I don’t complain about it because I’ve been nauseous every day for years only when it gets really bad I’ll lay down or hunch over. At least every other day I get abdominal cramps or pains in my stomach or the urge to vomit. My stomach problems have lead to other issues like malnutrition and other stuff. Recently I’ve been having neurological problems that have been scaring me I’ve been getting a lot of numbness on anywhere on my body that pressure is applied. Even for less than a minute my body part won’t even get pins and needles feeling it’ll just go straight up NUMB like can’t move my fingers or my arm or leg feels really heavy shit even my butt goes numb when I’m sitting on a hard chair or if I lean over a table to grab something or do something for a few seconds my arm or hand will start to go numb. Even when I’m sleeping and I’m laying on top of my pinky it’ll go numb. I’ve been getting these shocks of pain in my left hand that make me drop stuff or even have to let go of the steering wheel when I’m driving. I have these lingering headaches mostly behind my eyes or like one side of my head. I have a lot of trouble sleeping and my vision isn’t blurry sometimes it’s hard to focus and I’ve been having these black specks in my vision and lastly I lose my breath really easily and my heart rate shots up for doing any little thing even just shampooing my hair I be breathing heavy and feeling my heart beat in my neck and chest like I feel like I’m going to pass out… and two of my doctors think it’s multiple sclerosis. I just don’t get why I can’t live a normal active life. I used to go kayaking on my good days and it used to make me soooo happy and relaxed even thought I’d be really fatigued from all of the movement kayaking in the springs was my passion and the only thing to completely take my mind off of how sick I felt. Now that I live in Texas and I’m almost having these neurological symptoms I don’t think I would even be able to go kayaking at all there’s no springs to go kayaking here anyways but and I just sit at home all day and feel depressed.

Part 3: worried about my future

I know I can’t go to school because I have a really hard time focusing,concentrating, or remembering things I would fail. In elementary school all the way through sophomore year of highschool( before I left to homeschooling because of my chronic illness) I’ve always had a really hard time with school with attendance and keeping up my grades. I’ve recently lost two jobs in a row because of my attendance because once again my chronic illness and I just worry what I’m going to do for the rest of my life. I’m not going to college because I know I can’t handle it and I don’t want to go back to work because clearly I can’t hold a job and my doctor himself told me it might be best to not work to keep my stress down. I just feel so lazy but when I force myself to try and be productive and do things when my body doesn’t let me I end up getting sicker for longer and it’s really frustrating. I’ve already mentioned how my boyfriend told me how in our future he’s not going to let me lay around all day because he wants me to get up and do things which i understand I don’t want to put the burden on him for everything but it’s like my BODY WONT LET ME. my dad is fully disabled and he lays around all day and watches TV and sleeps all day and people don’t bother him but when I mention getting disability I’m just “lazy” and “fully capable of working but just don’t want to” I just really don’t know.

Part 4: losing my job recently and wanting to get disability

So in November I started a receptionist job. I specifically applied for this job because I figured it would be low stress and I would be able to sit and basically have it accommodate with my illnesses. Well I was wrong because that job had me stressed out every. Single. Day whether it was rude clients, my rude and condescending co workers, having to wake up at 4-6am depending on the shift, constantly being called in on my days off, having to get up and run around the building looking for stuff for a client or one of the doctors, etc. every day I would come home pissed off and complain to my boyfriend and the almost three months I worked there I had probably around four panic attacks at work because of the situations and stress I was put under. Recently I’ve been having neurological problems on top of gastroparesis flare ups and before my 90 days I missed three weeks of work whether it was because I was sick and couldn’t make it to work or had a doctors appointment, in the hospital etc. Nobody ever wanted to switch shifts with me so I always just had to miss work and I brought a doctors note for every day I missed. Right before my 90 days ended they let me go which is kind of a relief but now I have no money coming in and bills to pay. I’m thinking about applying for disability but I’m waiting to get my possible multiple sclerosis diagnosed before I start going through the process. My last job was working as a technician in an animal hospital and it was wayyy too stressful and active for me a dog pulled me so hard my wrist and back were fucked up and I had to miss work for four days and go to the doctors and chiropractors. I had to lift up dogs that weighed up to 50/60 pounds and that also fucked up my back on two occasions because I’m really skinny and when I try to lift with my legs they shake and give out. I would be bruised up from restraining dogs and they barely bump into me and I get a painful red and purple bruise. I’m too “fragile” to handle the naughty big dogs that would pull me to hard and then once again rude co workers and rude clients that gave me a ton of anxiety and stress. My doctor told me himself I should leave that job and that’s when I went for the receptionist job and it was just as bad. I mostly want to get disability because I feel like I’m not reliable to keep a job with doctors appointments and flare ups that I have and I feel like at the reception job I couldn’t handle the easiest of shit my memory is so terrible I got in trouble for fucking up a handful of situations and was actually called “dumb” by a co worker. Not to mention the stress of having to somewhat argue with my boss that I can’t come to work on so many days because I’m going to the doctors or calling out because I feel so sick and having to tell them I’m going to the doctor tomorrow so I can’t come in or I’m in the emergency room and been here for nine hours and it’s already 2am and still here I won’t be able to come to work tomorrow etc. So yeah idk we will see but there’s no way I’m putting myself back in that situation. Now that I get to lay down and relax and a majority of stress is cut from my life I’ve been feeling better but still not by any means I’m completely fine I’m still sick everyday but the stress was making me way sicker.

[blessthejets]

1. Put your music player on shuffle. Give me the first 6 songs that pop up.

1. One more light - Linkin Park

2. Love story - Taylor Swift

3. Thunder - Imagine Dragons

4. New man - Ed Sheeran

5. A thousand miles - Vanessa Carlton

6. Treat you better - Shawn Mendes

2. If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?

Rick Rypien, that’s for sure. If he was still on this earth, though...

3. Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17:

“fuckin god, wis aboot aw ah could pick ootay the horrible sound. She collapses oantae the threadbare couch.“ - Trainspotting. In English. I mean, “English”. haha

4. What do you think about most?

Overthinking things I can’t really do anything about.

5. What does your latest text message from someone else say?

My ex boyfriend from the USA: “nope not at all”

6. Do you sleep with or without clothes on?

With my clothes. It’s so COLD!

7. What’s your strangest talent?

I think my facial expressions. People say they like it haha.

8. Girls…. (finish the sentence); Boys…. (finish the sentence)

Girls are equal to boys. Boys are equal to girls.

9. Ever had a poem or song written about you?

Nah. I don’t think. I mean I can relate to a LOT of songs or poems, mostly about brokenhearted girls or depression, but that’s not directly about me.

10. When is the last time you played the air guitar?

When I got the guitar at the age of eight? I think? So it would beeee... about thirteen years ago now.

11. Do you have any strange phobias?

Spiders. Clowns. Heights. Tiny holes. Balloons. Slugs. Insect. Yes, nothing strange.

12. Ever stuck a foreign object up your nose?

WTF lol

13. What’s your religion?

SCIENCE.

14. If you are outside, what are you most likely doing?

Walking my dog ♥

15. Do you perfer to be behind the camera or in front of it?

Behind.

16. Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band?

Imagine Dragons, hands down.

17. What was the last lie you told?

“Sorry I didn’t reply, I fell asleep.” hahah

18. Do you believe in karma?

Of course!

19. What does your screen name mean?

blessthejets? It’s just my blog dedicated to the Winnipeg Jets. And it rhymes which I like hehe

20. What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength?

Weakness - dogs. Any kinds of dogs. Strenght? Courage, I guess.

21. Who is your celebrity crush?

There’s million of them. But my favorite of all of them will always be Mr. Kurt Cobain.

22. Have you ever gone skinny dipping?

Naaa. I’d love to though.

23. How do you vent your anger?

I don’t really get angry very often. When I do, I try avoid people because I don’t want to hurt them by saying something inappropriate.

24. Do you have a collection of anything?

Yup. Ice hockey stuff. Cards, scarves, jerseys etc.

Do you perfer talking on the phone or video chatting online?

mhmm.. probably talking face to face. 

26. Are you happy with the person you’ve become?

I’m suffering with serious mental health issues. So I’m trying to be a better person every day. So far so good.

27. What’s a sound you hate; sound you love?

Hate - morning alarm haha. Love - my dog barking out of excitement when I get home.

28. What’s your biggest “what if”?

What if I realize I didn’t live my life as I wanted? And now it’s too soon to do that?...

29. Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens?

YES. YES. 

30. Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm.

Right - Coca cola zero. Left - nothing.

31. Smell the air. What do you smell?

Um. Air

32. What’s the worst place you have ever been to?

Psychiatrics at Prague, Bohnice.

33. Choose: East Coast or West Coast?

Of where?

34. Most attractive singer of your opposite gender?

KURT COBAIN! 

35. To you, what is the meaning of life?

FOR ME - it’s definitely dogs. Shelter dogs. Helping shelter dogs, teaching people to adopt and not to support backyard breeders.

36. Define: Art.

Everything. 

37. Do you believe in luck?

Yes.

38. What’s the weather like right now?

End of the February. Sunny but god damn COLD.

39. What time is it?

12:33 pm

40. Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed?

No I don’t drive. Because I don’t want to get in a car crash :P

41. What was the last book you read?

Trainspotting by Irvine Welsh.

42. Do you like the smell of gasoline?

Yash!

43. Do you have any nicknames?

Yeah. My name is Adéla. I get called Dee, Dede, Adel, Ady, Addie. Also a giraffe. haha

44. What was the last movie you saw?

The Gift. It was well wrapped..

 45. What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?

I don’t know if it’s considered as an injury. But probably when I overdosed with pills on purpose. Spent 13 hours in a coma, woke up in hospital, was transferred to psychiatrics. 

46. Have you ever caught a butterfly?

Yes, when I was a little. Now they kind of scare me.

47. Do you have any obsessions right now?

Ice hockey, dogs, travelling, dogs, ice hockey, Swedes, blondes, dogs.

48. What’s your ?

What’s my what?

49. Ever had a rumor spread about you?

Yes. But no fucks were given during any of those times.

50. Do you believe in magic?

Yes. Harry Potter for the win.

51. Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?

Just for a while. I always try to give a second chance. And the third. And fourth. Until I’m fucked up again.

52. What is your astrological sign?

Gemini.

53. Do you save money or spend it?

Trying to save. But usually just spend. :D

54. What’s the last thing you purchased?

A lunch at my lunch break at work.

55. Love or lust?

Both.

56. In a relationship?

No. Who would be with a psycho like me?

57. Are you a virgin?

No.

58. Can you touch your nose with your tongue?

I can.

59. Where were you yesterday?

At work and outside with my dog. Also at home.

60. Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?

Yeah. My hand cream on my desk.

61. Are you wearing socks right now?

Yes. I’m AT WORK!

62. What’s your favorite animal?

Fox, dog.

63. What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?

Hahaha haahha if I knew I would actually had a boyfriend by now.

64. Where is your best friend?

She moved from our street just a little bit away. She’s with her newborn babygirl and her husband so she does not really have much free time.

66. What is your heritage?

Czech and Bulgarian. But I prefer saying just Czech because my parents got divorced when I was three. I have never even been to Bulgary. I don’t really want to, anyway.

67. What were you doing last night at 12 AM?

Doing a birthday card for my coworker who has her birthday tomorrow.

68. What do you think is Satan’s last name?

I don’t know what’s his last name but I know his kid. It’s my dog.

70. Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend?

Sometimes yes. I laugh a lot and I have a great sense of humor I think. I love to laugh. But on the other hand I suffer from depression. I’d probably want to help myself and get caught into this infinite circle.

71. You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?

I help the dog and call my boss. If they tell me that I’m being fired anyway, I don’t care. I wouldn’t want to work for someone who doesn’t care about a dog’s life.

72. You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live.

Well... I’d say thanks? Or what am I supposed to do? I tried to kill myself three months ago so I don’t really know what’s going on with my life right about now.

a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die?

No. 

b) What do you do with your remaining days?

I would try to find a new lovely home for my dog. Make sure he’s okay. I would probably just won’t talk to any of my friends. I wouldn’t want to talk to my family either. I would just be stuck inside my brain, my mind. Thinking about what it’s gonna be.

c) Would you be afraid?

No. Not at all.

73. You can only have one of these things: trust or love.

Trust. I have trust issues so... that would help me mentally a lot.

74. What’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?

All Star by Smash Mouth (;

75. What are the last four digits in your cell phone number?

4373 (:

76. In your opinion, what makes a great relationship?

Trust. Communication. Tolerance. Laughter. Dreams about future spent together.

77. How can I win your heart?

Make me laugh. And understand please that I have some issues I need to deal with. You don’t have to, but once you win my heart and we are dating, you would have to deal with it whether you want it or not. It’s not my fault. Please understand it.

78. Can insanity bring on more creativity?

Yes. And depression brings the most beautiful thoughts - ironically.

79. What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far?

Adopting my dog. We rescued each other.

80. What size shoes do you where?

39 in Europe, 6 in UK, 8 in US.

81. What would you want to be written on your tombstone?

"Offline” lol haha. No. Probably something like “I told you I was sick.”

82. What is your favorite word?

Probably “cencúl”. It means icicle in Slovakian.

83. Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word: heart.

Broken.

84. What is a saying you say a lot?

Everything happens for a reason.

85. What’s the last song you listened to?

A world alone by Lorde from Pure Heroine.

86. Basic question: what’s your favorite color/colors?

Blueee

87. What is your current desktop picture?

WINNIPEG JETS. Both on my PC at work and my laptop at home.

88. If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be?

I wouldn’t. 

89. What would be a question you’d be afraid to tell the truth on?

I’m pretty open. I would answer anything. Truly.

90. One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren’t really doing anything, they’re just standing around your bed. What do you do?

Mummies don’t scare me. I would just ask them what to do to become like them.

91. You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power?

Telekinesis. That way, shit will still get done when I’m having a lazy day. 

92. You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?

When I saw my dog for the first time. When we met. When we went for our first walk outside the shelter.

93. You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

My very first relationship.

94. You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be?

Well, since Kurt Cobain is not here anymore, I would choose... Lorde. Or Avriel Kaplan. Or Daniel Platzman.

95) You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?

Gothenburg, Sweden.

96) Do you have any relatives in jail?

Not relatives. Just my very best friend. 

97) Have you ever thrown up in the car?

Yes. But it wasn’t caused by the ride. It was caused by alcohol. And it wasn’t really in a car, I told the driver to stop, then I opened the door and threw up there. Hahahahah

98) Ever been on a plane?

Not yet.

99) If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say?

Step 1 - Breathe in

Step 2 - Breathe out

Step 3 - STOP! HAMMERTIME!

100) Give me your top 5 favorite blogs on Tumblr.

Nah I don’t have any.

[jammie3132]

Seblaine: I’m Still Not Talking To You

Fandom: Glee Pairing: Blaine & Sebastian Rating: PG Words: 1698 Seblaine Snowball 2017 Prompts Referenced: Skating, Sweaters

Summary: The Holidays are a time to forgive others. What about forgiving yourself?

Dec. 22, 10:30 AM

To Sebastian: Please explain to me why I thought it was a good idea to start talking to you again?

To Blaine: We don’t talk. We text and only text, unlike “guy who thought being an Alpha Gay was a bad thing” did with that other guy (and may I say…ew!). I’ve turned over a new leaf remember? You’re making sure I remain a goody-goody.

To Sebastian: I wouldn’t go that far. To Blaine: Hey, who made sure the door at the end of the Warbler hallway was unlocked so you and the Blonde Adonis could come rescue that trophy? And then had Trent talk to you and Captain America(?) about Dr. Evil? To Sebastian: Thank you again and its Blonde Chameleon…and Sam’s not gay. To Blaine: Whatever, I just don’t believe he’s as straight as you say he is. To Sebastian: Why’s that? To Blaine: Genetics would not have given him those lips and not have them used for…purposes. Don’t you have to get ready for your flirty duet with “fashionably challenged that somehow got a job with Vogue.com which took up so much of his time that he couldn’t bother to text his boyfriend once in a while”? I mean it must take forever to put that crap in your hair. To Sebastian: I’m ignoring that but yes, I need to go get ready for my ice skating date with Kurt. And singing a duet together is our holiday tradition. To Blaine: Something happening twice is a coincidence not a tradition. To Sebastian: Still ignoring you and Sam is definitely not as gay. He married Brittany. Bye (*if you let me use emojis I’d put a devil here*) To Blaine: WTF?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! To Blaine: Damn you! You made me use all caps and multiple exclamation points. To Blaine:  No emojis! To Blaine: Wait, wasn’t she Satan’s girlfriend? To Blaine: It’s a pity Sam had to die so young. He was pretty to look at.

1PM

To Sebastian: Hi, I’m home.

To Blaine: You’re home? That was a quickie. Was it that bad? And I’m not talking about the “date”.

To Sebastian: My sex life with Kurt wasn’t that bad. And things never got that far. I can’t believe I’m telling you that.

To Blaine: Killer, if you have to describe your sex life as “not that bad”…it’s that bad.

To Sebastian: You haven’t called me Killer in a long time.

To Blaine: Way to change the subject. Don’t want to talk about it?

To Sebastian: No

To Sebastian: All he wanted to do was talk about NYADA. It was just like last year.

To Sebastian: Talk. Talk. Talk. NYADA. NYADA. Oh, Vogue.com. NYADA.

To Sebastian: And he insisted on singing my least favorite Christmas Carol.

To Blaine: You have a least favorite Christmas Carol? Of course, you do. Which one?

To Sebastian: White Christmas

To Blaine: I can see Mariah “but can’t hit the high F” Carey wanting to sing that one. Out of curiosity…what is your favorite Christmas Carol?

To Sebastian: You’ll laugh

To Blaine: Come on...tell me. Please

To Sebastian: Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer

To Blaine: Ok, I’m laughing. And judging you. Why?

To Sebastian: Because he was different from everyone else but still wound up being the star. It would make sense if you met my brother.

To Blaine: Sorry, but I don’t know if it is for your horrible “date”, your horrible brother or both. Are you going to be ok?

To Sebastian: Eventually. I’m going to take a shower. To make this day even worse, I have a party at Rachel’s later. Bad memories. Have fun in Paris and Merry Christmas.

To Blaine: My flight doesn’t leave until 8PM. I’ll have my phone on if you need me. If you don’t…Merry Christmas, Killer.

1:30 PM

To Blaine: YOU MADE OUT WITH RACHEL BERRY?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! For once I’m letting etiquette slide because YOU MADE OUT WITH RACHEL BERRY?!!!!!!! WHY DID I NOT KNOW THIS?!!!!!!!!! HEADS WILL ROLL!!!!!! And I know the Bram wedding wasn’t real, even though they thought it was.

To Sebastian: Because it’s something I didn’t want you to know…Ever. How did you find out?

To Blaine: My new BFF Santana told me

To Sebastian: WTF?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

To Sebastian: You’re right, that does feel wrong…but WTF?

To Blaine: I got her number (don’t ask) while you were on your “date” with “threw a jealous shit fit when his better looking and more talented boyfriend got the lead in the school play”. I wanted to tease her about Trouty marrying her ex, but we talked and decided our problems were all Gayface’s fault. Now we’re besties. Although, I’m sure at some point a beverage will be thrown in my face. Or my balls will be cut off.

To Sebastian: OMG, you called Sam Trouty. You really did talk to Santana. And calling her about Sam and Britt wasn’t nice. And neither are the names you’ve been calling Kurt.

To Blaine: I’ll give you calling Santana about Sam and Brittany. As for “told you Cooper was the most attractive guy in North America”, not sacrificing honesty to be nice.

To Sebastian: Again, how do you know these things?

To Blaine: I have my ways. Explain to me what an Ugly Christmas Sweater Party is.

To Sebastian: If you’re talking about Rachel’s party, it’s an Ugly Holiday Sweater Party…she’s Jewish. And how do you not know what Ugly Christmas Sweaters are? They’re pretty self explanatory.

To Blaine: Because I spend the holidays in Paris where it is illegal to purposely put on something ugly. What I want to know is can it be an entire outfit? Like if you wore the candy cane pants they gave you on that show you did last year?

To Sebastian: They were capris and how do you know that? You were in Paris.

To Blaine: I’ll give you this one. A link to that show was up on the Warbler website like 5 minutes after it aired (Jeff & Nick to answer your question). I also received texts from every Warbler, plus some that graduated before I got to Dalton, telling me to check it out. YOU (all caps again. I’m dying) were great. What I didn’t understand was Gigantor and the Mohawk.

To Sebastian: It was an homage to a Star Wars Christmas special. Do not say anything derogatory about Star Wars. It is a cinematic masterpiece. Sam and I read the fanfiction sometimes.

To Blaine: I don’t know if I could have a boyfriend who is that big a nerd.

To Sebastian: I thought you couldn’t have a boyfriend for over 20 minutes.

To Blaine: I have hopes for the new year. Got to finish packing.

To Sebastian: Goodbye Sebastian

20 Minutes Later

To Blaine: I lied. I had to read some Star Wars fanfiction. I’m not the expert you are, but I’m pretty sure it is physically impossible for a Wookie and an Ewok to have sex.

To Sebastian: NOT THAT KIND OF FANFICTION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

5 PM

To Blaine: Open your front door.

To Sebastian: Shouldn’t you be at the airport? 3 hours for an international flight. Remember?

To Blaine: Open…your…front…door. It’s cold.

“What the hell?” Blaine looked out his bedroom window and sure enough, Sebastian was at his front door. He slapped his hand over his mouth to stop himself from smiling. Sebastian being there shouldn’t make him so happy. Right?

When he got downstairs and opened the door, he started to laugh. Sebastian was holding cue cards like the guy in Love Actually.

Card #1: I’m still not talking to you. Card #2: Now let me in. It’s f**king cold out here.

Blaine did as requested…or told. It depended on the tone of Sebastian’s voice he heard in his head. When he shut the door and turned back around, Sebastian had more to “say”.

Card #3: I’m still not talking to you Card #4: But I had to say before I go Card #5: Forgive yourself

“Sebastian…”

Card #6: I say those things about Card #7: (eye roll…yes, I wrote out eye roll) Him Card #8: To show how he never appreciated you Card #9: How he was never good enough for you Card #10: Forgive yourself

“I can’t.” Blaine didn’t know why this paralyzed him emotionally, but it did. All of the things Sebastian said were true, he knew that. However, it was impossible for him to differentiate in his head (or his heart) between the Kurt that Sebastian wanted him to see and the broken boy who came to spy on the Warblers.

Card #11: What you did was bad Card #12: Not unforgivable Card #13: Trust someone Card #14: Who actually did Card #15: Something unforgivable Card #16: Trust me

“Oh, Sebastian. I forgave you a long time ago.”

Card #17: But I Card #18: Haven’t forgiven Card #19: Myself

The pained look on Sebastian’s face was so heartbreaking that Blaine had to momentarily divert his eyes. It was in that one instant that he noticed them…cue cards lying all over the floor of his entryway. He picked them up in order and as he read them again, he realized that Sebastian had written them before he arrived. He had anticipated everything Blaine said. Everything he felt. They weren’t talking, but Sebastian was listening. With the exception of Sam, and some feeble attempts from his mother, no one had done that in a long time.

Blaine put the cards on a side table, walked over and reached for Sebastian’s hands “I have an idea. When you get back from Paris, you and I, together, will start working on ways to forgive ourselves. It will take time, but I think we can do it. Maybe we can reevaluate how we’re doing around Valentine’s Day? Then, if we’re both in a good place, we can begin to work on your goal of finding a relationship that lasts longer than 20 minutes.”

The smile that crossed Sebastian’s face was probably one of the most beautiful Blaine had ever seen “I’d really like that, Killer.”

“Sebastian?”

“Yes?”

“You’re talking to me.”

Notes: Happy Holidays everyone

[vrenaewrites]

AFTER by Anna Todd thoughts: Prologue - Ch 50

Full video here.

Originally wattpad fanfic about Harry Styles??????

PROLOGUE:

“I didn't know college would be more than academics”

Confused by (her roommate’s friends) inattention to structure: How fucking lame are you

“And that’s when he crept into my heart” Is he italicized in the books i bet it is

Dude’s name is hardin? More like hard-on amirite

CH 1:

It starts with an alarm going off?!?!?!? Rule number one!!!!!

She spends the prologue telling us she’s been prepping for college all her life and then spends a good half a page telling us that again

“Whatever else teenagers else do, that wasn’t me” We got a mary sue here guys

Razor from the knees down - ok virgin - why was this a detail?

Oh shiiii she got a boyfriend? And his name is NOT hardin guys

She told us multiple times that she prepped for this day forever but also keeps saying she has no idea what to expect...does this take place before the internet? Like...google it??

CH 2:

She just said she saw the school online, like you can find pics of the school but you couldn’t find a single youtube video about “what college is really like” foh

So the mom sits in on orientation but is expected to leave before seeing the dorm room how tf that girl supposed to get all her shit up to the dorm?!?!?! Parents usually help you move in??

So the car was packed FULL of her stuff but then she says she only brought clothes and books and her bf doesn’t have much to carry...so what is the truth?

Oh shit her roommate has tattoos

“Where the dorms are tiny and the parties are huge” and this information is fucking earth shattering to tessa and her mom and not-hardin

CH 3:

Two closets in this tiny dorm room…

“College is not what i expected” you said MULTIPLE TIMES you didn’t know what to expect so what is the truth?!!?!?!?

“Both genders” yikes on bikes

CH 4:

HE HAS A THICK ENGLISH ACCENT goodBYE

“Hardin scott is not my boyfriend” okay, so many things. No one fucking talks like that unless they wanna introduce the full name of the love interest in the clunkiest way

Also HS are his initials goodBYEEEEE

CH 5:

“Destroyed his body with holes and tattoos” omg

CH 6:

Hardin is fucking neg that calls her Teresa when she asks to go by Tessa and as someone who constantly gets called Vicki when I ask to go by Viktoria, I am on her side in this instance and this instance only

CH 7:

She is so upset that someone called her prissy but then she can’t even bring herself to think of what those people are doing in the frat house bedrooms

CH 9:

The word bottom. As in, steph pushed her bottom against a guy as she danced with him...BOTTOM

She’s in a bedroom with her drunk roommate and a really great collection of books and I GUARANTEE this is Hardin’s room

Wuthering heights ffs

KNEW IT

CH 10:

And she’s crying

CH 13:

She introduces herself by her full name and landon does the same whyyyyyy who does this?

He’s a nice kid unlike you - i’m shocked at my harsh words

Am i just a bitch or is she the weakest

So they’re just walking and he screams, “Stop staring at me” out of nowhere and walks away...sounds stable

CH 14:

“Noah is my boyfriend and I would never do anything to hurt him” This is what we call foreshadowing my friends

“A man who is rude an intolerable being made into a romantic hero? It’s ridiculous” hardin

Foreshadowing…

She literally just said her boyfriend is like a little brother…ew

“I’m aware that my hips and breasts are larger than most women my age”...women are fully developed at 18...i don’t understand…

Mary sue shit

CH 15:

“She’s intimidated by you because you’re not like other girls” is that a real thing…

“You look...different” - hardin PUKE

“Are you a virgin?” i puked again

No one seems surprised - bitch you dress like a nun

CH 16:

These chapter breaks make no gd sense

“Hormonal college rock n roll misfits”

Immediately takes a shot of vodka

Hardin looks disappointed that she took a shot because she’s not like other girls…

Slut shaming.com / tessa re: molly

CH 17:

“Sorry if i don’t dress like a slut” no you just wear pleated skirts and khakis like a mormon mother

Hardin doesn’t drink OF COURSE they are sober lil bookworms together

I want to be an author. Of course because she is the mary sue of our generation move over bella swan

She’s drinking again after almost puking

CH 18:

“We don’t need to have sex, we have fun by going to the movies...and going on walks” ON WALKS.

OH SHIIIIIIIII THEY KISSIN

CH 19:

This girl has never been horny before and she cannot cope with the feeling

Am i bad a person for feeling like “Well she already cheated by kissing him, might as well keep kissing him?” like i know that’s wrong but…

CH 20:

Oh my god she’s not telling her boyfriend that she kissed someone else??!?!?

Oh shiii hardin’s in her dorm

HER MOM IS AT THE DOOR

WITH NOAH?!?!?!?!?!

When i say weakass you say bitch

CH 21:

The fork at breakfast reminds her of hardin’s lip ring….

She just called Hardin Mr. Rude. “Mr. struggle” lol anyone else watch Cody Ko??

Noah won’t kiss her in public and she does NOT get horny with him

CH 22:

Pride and prejudice is not a magical book tessa

Landon’s mom and hardin’s dad?! Oh shiiiii

���Are you ocd or something” christ

Literally he’s throwing her notes all over the floor like what a four year old

“Eyes burning into mine” AGAIN

They kissin!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh shit they doin MORE than kissing

“You’re so sexy tess” I PUKED

Steph’s eyes are clapping with glee?????

“You could learn a lot from Hardin, like, sexually” - steph

okay………

CH 23:

They’re talking about the use of foreshadowing in pride and prejudice about if you could tell that darcy and elizabeth would end up together…

What kinda hamfisted shit…

And then she and hardin get in a screaming match about their situation but it’s coded in darcy and elizabeth language like come onnnnnnn

So much twilight vibes: “your mood swings give me a headache” “i should stay away from him, i know he’s dangerous” dangerous how? Because he has tattoos?

FIRST FULL BODY CRINGE: “You’re thinking about me and you have that feeling, down there, don’t you, teresa?”

Twilight: “i don’t wanna stay away from you”

CH 24:

“He really is bipolar” dude

She likes bon iver and the fray...of course she does

CH 25:

SHE FOLLOWED THIS STRANGER INTO THE WOODS

No murderino instinct at all

“He must be cold in the warm ass water because he can’t be getting flushed seeing me, a girl he’s made out with multiple times and is obviously attracted to, in nothing but his t-shirt” bitch COME ON

“I’m having real fun, not watching a movie fun”

This is such a dig at noah who she says doesn’t need to fuck her because they watch movies together

SECOND FULL BODY CRINGE: “These lips, the things you could do with them”

THIRD: “Oh Hardin,” I moan and squeeze him with my legs. “I want to make you moan my name over and over again” - hardin

My hormones are out of control - who is thinking about their hormones at this point

FOURTH: She goes to cover up and he’s like don’t ever cover yourself from me, i’ve been with so many girls but none like you

And they’re not gonna do it but “there are many other things he wants to do to her first” and at this point my body is contorted like a jumbo shrimp

FIFTH: The whole fingering scene honestly. Just all of it. He made her towel off with his shirt...am I missing something? She had already put her pants on...what’s the point of that???

SIXTH: “You haven’t said a word to me since” - “since i gave you your first orgasm?”

CH 26:

Wtf is this dude’s problem? She ignores her boyfriend’s call to keep making out with him and he’s like “don’t break up with him on my account, there’s no us going on” like dude y’all just went on a date...so you can keep saying you don’t date...but you just did…

CH 27:

She’s so selfish!!!! Calling Noah because she got rejected by Hardin!!!!!!!! Noah deserves better 2k20

And then she mentions it in front of Hardin to make him jealous WTF

Hardin petty ass Scott says, “noah, that’s a nice cardigan you’re wearing”

Thanks I got it from the gap!!!!!!!11

CH 28:

SEVEN: Tessa wants noah to get her horny so she keeps trying to kiss him and when he won’t let anything happen she stops and he says, “that was nice, tessa”

Tessa takes noah’s car to go help hardin and leaves noah in her dorm room alone when he drove 3 hours to see her!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CH 29:

Hardin toxic asshole Scott threw a hissy fit and tessa comes to save the day

He dresses her little glass cut after telling her she’s pathetic...woof

CH 30:

Holy manipulation station nation

Then he forces himself on her and her dumb bitch ass KISSES HIM!!!!!

BECAUSE HE SAID HE NEEDED HER, THAT’S ALL IT TOOK

Cringe throughout: that she describes his lips as pink. It’s weird as fuck.

EIGHT: “You know who i think you are when you’re with me?” “Who?” “yourself”

CH 31:

NINE: He’s telling her if she says the word he’ll leave her alone: “Tell me teresa,” he coos, and i whimper. “Hardin,” i whisper. WHY?

SHE IS GONNA STAY WITH HARDIN WHILE NOAH IS WAITING FOR HER?!?!?!?!!??!

CH 32:

“I don’t know if it’s his smile or the fact that he’s only in boxers, but I’m in a much better mood than before” you skank ass hoe

TEN: He says her clothes hide how sexy and curvy her body really is. Sexy and curvy. Both.

CH 33:

ELEVEN: “I know this happiness isn’t going to last” - the happiness being her straddling this guy that isn’t her boyfriend - “and i feel like cinderella waiting for the clock to strike midnight”

“I can behave any way i want with hardin tonight, because in the morning i’m going to tell him to leave me alone forever” HUH

TWELVE: I am just as intoxicated by hardin, as hardin is by the bottle of scotch he drank

THIRTEEN: Who is this girl straddling this punk boy and asking to touch him...down there?

CH 34:

FOURTEEN: He says he wants to taste her and this dumb bitch licks her lips like “yeah we been kissing wtf” and he says “no, down there” EW

CH 35:

Noah standing up for himself!!!!!

FIFTEEN: Then he calls them those gothic people...gothic? Not goth. Gothic.

HARDIN DONE BARGED IN!!!!!!

CH 36:

Hardin and Noah about to get into it!

Hardin making tessa be honest with noah OMG THE DRAMA

SIXTEEN: I am a moth to hardin’s flame and he never hesitates to burn me

CH 39:

Tessa gets a makeover to go out with steph and i KNOW she’s gonna see hardin and they’re gonna be inappropriate in public

And hardin is here OF COURSE

Oooh and he’s with molly! Tea

She is a slut - TESSA NO

Chapter 37: hardin will ruin tess if she ever comes around again chapter 39: he’s driving her home and making sure her burger doesn’t have ketchup

CH 40:

Noah will get back with tessa if she promises nothing with happen with hardin and we are only halfway through this book BITCH

CH 41:

Oh he drunk and at tessa’s dorm

This BITCH. JUST. GOT. BACK.TOGETHER. WITH. NOAH. AND. IS. GETTING. IN. BED. WITH. HARDIN. TO. WATCH. A. MOVIE.

CH 42:

He picks her up and forces her to sleep in the bed with him despite her saying no

CH 44:

She admits to herself that sleeping beside hardin is worth losing noah and then is trying to talk herself into believing that noah is hotter than hardin????

“You don’t need makeup” “well i like it” “well you’re bad at it” negging ass

This man at the store says, “hardin?” in an english accent and she’s like “i knew it was his dad” well how many fucking english dudes are in this small washington town my friend

This bitch agrees to go to dinner with hardin’s dad knowing damn well he and his dad are NOT on good terms...she’d be walking home…

CH 45:

And then because he doesn’t wanna go to dinner with his abandoning father, she says she’s gonna go to his dad’s house for dinner with ANOTHER DUDE?!?!?!?!?!?

She ignores noah’s call

It is stressing me tf out that she isn’t calling noah back and is instead getting ready for a date with hardin’s family...this poor cardigan wearing man

CH 46:

I LITERALLY DO NOT CARE ABOUT THE FAMILY!!!!!!!! GET BACK TO THE CRINGE NEGGING AND ALMOST-BONING

CH 47:

“He rubs the back of his neck like he always does” - this is the first time he’s done this??

CH 48:

SEVENTEEN: “Oh tessa the things you do to me”

Fingers her without asking?!?!?!?!?!?! She literally says “Without my permission”

CH 49:

She is staying at hardin’s family’s house for the night, asks for her own room because she has a boyfriend - YOU JUST GOT EATEN OUT BY ANOTHER DUDE FIVE MINUTES AGO

~~~~

[fictionalabyss]

Hey, Asshole!

Pairing : Winchesters x Sister!Reader.

Word count : 1,341

Author : Mel

Warnings Across parts : Incest, Non-con elements, cheating. IF THESE BOTHER YOU DO NOT READ. I don’t want to listen to you bitch. 

Part 2 in WTF is wrong with me.

You were sitting in the bar with your brothers. Sam next to you, and Dean across from you. “Dean?”

“Yeah?” He looked back at you.

“Just go fuck her.”

He chuckled. “Like I told her, sweetheart. I’m busy tonight.” He grinned. “I’ve got a little sister to take care of. He says one thing wrong, I deck him.”

You rolled your eyes. You might have only been there half an hour, but Dean had women fawning over him the second he was in the door. Sam had a girl or two eyeing him as well. “Both of you, just go flirt or something. If one more girl glares at me like that for being here with you, I’ll start decking people.”

Both brothers laughed. “Should I start warning the women I meet that my baby sister is vicious and protective? That they better win you over before they get anywhere with me?” Dean teased.

“Yes.” You said, very seriously, making him smile at you. “At least if she’s worthy of a call back.” You shrugged and Sam laughed. “You too Sammy.”

“I won’t even let her leave the bar until you meet her.” He held his hands up in surrender.

“At least one brother knows who’s in charge.” You smiled and picked up your beer. “Empty.”

“I’ll get more.” Dean nudged your cheek before getting up.

You smiled at him as he walked away. You watched as a leggy blonde started to talk to him. He turned his cocky grin to her, and you chuckled. “What do they see in him.” You smiled at Sam.

“Same thing they see in us, I guess. Unavailability. Touch of danger. Stunning good looks.” He nudged your shoulder.

“Modesty.” You rolled your eyes.

“We are twins.” He grinned. You shook your head at him as Dean came back.

Dean kept turning women away, and a few guys looked your way as well, which made you smile. You were dressed hot tonight, just for your boyfriend. Either you’d forgive him, and enjoy your night. Or he’d regret being a dick with you looking this damn good. You glanced over at some guy who kept eyeing you, and smirked. No one would chance coming over to the table. Not with Sam and Dean there.

You don’t know when he got there, but you remembered looking up about an hour into drinking and seeing him by the bar. At first, he was looking around, and you smiled, but it quickly faded when you realized he was talking to the leggy blonde that had hit on Dean before. You watched as he turned to face the bar, his back to you, and his hand ran down her back to her ass.

“What is it?” Dean asked, looking behind him as you averted your eyes.

“Nothing.” You shook your head. “It’s nothing.” You gave him a smile.

While your brothers kept you smiling and laughing, you’d glance over at him, wondering if he’d noticed you were even there. It was obvious he hadn’t when he started dancing with her, holding her ass tight against him as she ground back. “Asshole.” You mumbled.

“He’s here, isn’t he.” Dean all but growled.

Sam managed to follow your gaze before you shifted it and saw what you had been looking at. He looked back at you, as you tried to ignore Dean’s questions. “Shot?” Sam asked, and you nodded.

By the time Sam came back with a few shots, he was gone from the dance floor. After the first two shots, you spotted him off in a corner, practically fucking her against the wall, her dress hiked up and his fingers hard at work. “I’m going to need more.” You grabbed the shot out of Dean’s hand.

“Woah there, slow it down sweetheart.”

“Fuck off, Dean.” You mumbled and downed it.

“What the hell?” He looked to Sam who pointed to your boyfriend. As soon as Dean’s eyes landed on him, you could all but feel how pissed he was. “You better be fucking kidding me.” He growled.

“I’ll deal with it.” You mumbled to yourself. Dean started to get up. “I said I’ll fucking deal with it, Dean!”

He looked at you, and saw the fire in your eyes. The Winchester temper in full swing. He held up his hands, and sat back down. Your jaw was clenched. When you saw a waitress moving past with a pitcher of beer, you stood up and grabbed it. “Hey! That’s-”

“He’ll pay for it.” You motioned to Dean as you started across the bar. Dean winked at her and pulled out a 20, telling her to keep the change.

“Cum for me baby.” You heard you boyfriend groan. “Then I’ll fuck you good.”

“Hey, Asshole!”

He froze at the sound of your voice, and when he turned, you threw the whole pitcher in his face. You heard Dean above everyone else in the bar cheering you on. “What the fuck!?” He growled pulling away from the blonde who was also covered in beer.

“Who the fuck are you?” The blonde shot.

“Until now, this piece of shit’s girlfriend.”

“Why are you even here?”

“You invited me, you Dick. Groveling, and begging me to forgive you for almost fucking raping me.” The blonde’s eyes went wide.

“Why the fuck-” You reached into his pocket, pulling out his phone, and showed him the texts. “Shit..” He looked up at you. “Baby, I-”

“You wanted to meet my brothers, remember? Well my brothers now know you. And my oldest brother, is real fucking happy right now that you don’t know him. Because you’ll never fucking see him coming.” You growled, sounding too much like Dean. “And then there’s my twin. You thought your dislocated jaw hurt, wait until my twin gets a hold of you.”

He looked around, trying to figure out if he could spot them.

“Piece of advice? You hear a loud engine rumbling towards you, fucking run.” You tossed the empty pitcher at him and started to walk away “Actually… You should start running now.” You told him over your shoulder.  Sam got up from his chair and started towards you. Once Sam made his way through the crowd and into view, you saw the flash of fear on your ex’s face as he took in the sheer size of Sam. Sam was glaring as he stood next to you. “This is my twin. Imagine my big brother.”

“Oh shit..” He mumbled before hurrying off and out the door.

“And you?” You glared at the blonde. “I saw you hit on my brother earlier. Stay away from him, or I’ll bash your face in. He deserves better than bar trash like you.” You turned and walked away, Sam right behind you.

“You alright, Princess?” Dean asked as you sat down next to him your head going to his shoulder.

“Shots, Dean. Shots and a damn good night.” You looked up at him.

“You got it, sweetheart.”  You took your head off his shoulder and he got up to get drinks.

“Dad can come home any day now..” Sam pointed out when Dean was at the bar. “He’ll be pissed to find you hungover.”

“Dad can shove it.” You mumbled.

Sam smiled. “Tough words coming from Daddy’s little girl.”

You shot him a glare, but he was right. You were a daddy’s girl. Even though he was gone a lot, even though Dean had pretty much raised you and Sam, you always smiled when John walked back in the door. You were his only daughter, that little bit of Mary he held on to, his angel. He’d kill before he let anyone near you, and anyone who knew him, knew it. As far as John Winchester knew, his daughter was innocent, perfect.

“What daddy doesn’t know, won’t hurt him.” You smirked as Dean put a tray of shots in front of you and you took one.

“Amen to that.” Dean chuckled as he sat down and handed one to Sam before taking one for himself.

*If you like, please consider supporting my work.* 

Wincest - @erin654

[toukaisbetterthanyou]

The one where anon fumes in rage for the second half of the chapter

After chapter 143, I never thought I would read this looking for some lightheartedness.

I just found out I have a tag on your blog and I screamed to my fiancée happily about it. Once he made sure I wasn’t going into early labor, he told me to stop being a fucking weeb. He doesn’t understand I just made it! This is awesome!

On to the review then, the title does not bode well given the story’s content.

I hope the read more trick works.

He looks over to where she’s pointing, and sure enough there seemed to be a family of squirrels resting on a branch parallel to their window.

Squirrels mean preparation and resourcefulness. I see the symbolism. ;P

“You look like you’re happy,” She murmurs. “What’s the occasion?”

…

He hasn’t seen her look this happy in a long time.

Just how bad were the last 5 months if a simple smile and flush is something he hasn’t seen in a long time? Bitch, your relationship hasn’t reached the 6 months mark yet!

he rarely kissed like this these days.

Hatefucking is now the norm in their sex life. Can’t say I blame them. When your relationship is so fucked up, your only option is to drown out your thoughts in vigorous thrusting and serial orgasms.

She gives him a mockingly surprised look. “You can do that?”

Own him, Touka!

For a moment, he wonders if he would need to speed up his timeline.

Can he even do that? He can’t change the Rushima operation date and it would be stupid to fight Arima with the entire CCG still in Tokyo.

 and transferring a large amount of the money in his bank account into a private account that he had opened earlier that week in his free time.

I swear I need an act of congress signed by Jesus himself to move more than $1000 from my account and this guy is transferring large amounts with a phone app? Into a recently made account? Makes sense since Japan doesn’t have the Patriot Act but still, it looks suspicious and can be traced. He should know better than that.

He frowns, wondering if he would need to hide them. Lock her away, so that no one would be able to find her.

Why not put her in Cochlea with Hinami? At least she will help her with the baby when your ass is dead and gone. The fact that these thoughts are even occurring to him is scary since he can do it if he wants and Touka would be helpless to stop him

Though, that wouldn’t make her happy. 

But this wasn’t just about her happiness, was it?

No, it’s about your selfishness and tragic dark hero complex you moron!

He looks around the space of the living room and can hardly recognize the change from a few months ago when he got the place. 

What had happened?

A woman’s touch.

It felt like home. God, he wanted to laugh at how struck he was by all of this. Would it even matter when he went through with his plans? His child would grow up without him and Touka 

I hate that you are making me sympathize with this fuckboy.

She peers from the kitchen, her hair, falling below her shoulders. She kept it clipped up with a hair claw he had gotten her.

Long hair Touka is a BIG MOOD! Thank you for the image.

but Yoriko had went on and on about how simple it was to make

OMG did my trick with wiping Furuta’s name work and now Yoriko is part of the story? (I know this is from school memories but let me dream I have superpowers)

His fingers twitch, longing to feel the movement of their child. 

Do I even deserve it?

No. You plan to abandon this kid in a world that despises it so you can keep those fingers to yourself.

The baby doesn’t kick when he tries to feel it though. He’s tried, it’s like his child already knew him well enough.

I like this kid. Carlos making me proud.

He didn’t deserve happiness at the expense of her life. 

He didn’t deserve it at all, in fact.

 I hate that you are making me sympathize with this fuckboy.

There hadn’t been any arguments,

I wish we could have gotten a glimpse to one of these arguments.

“Isn’t Papa handsome, Touka-chan?” She’d ask, and then she’d hug him tightly, drawing both herself and Ayato into the hug as well. It’s the last time she remembers ever feeling so safe.

/UGLY CRYING/

– Right down to the tragic ending.

Is that why you picked a guy who has Tragedy as his middle name? Recreating childhood trauma?

“I do,” he insists. “Trust me.”

If someone insists that you should trust them, you probably shouldn’t.

and lets her pick out the cake she would be having after dinner tonight.

I don’t know if this is intentional or not but it’s an odd choice of phrase “let her pick” as if he is controlling every aspect of her life. Oh fuck, he kinda is, isn’t he?

Ken lets himself in,

Still with that nasty habit of his.

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME YOU RUDE ASS BITCH?!!!!! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW LONG YOU HAVE TO WAIT FOR YOUR APPOINTMENT AND YOU JUST BARGE IN YOU PATHETIC EXCUSE OF A NOT EVEN A HUMAN BEING?!!!! LET ME SEE HOW WELL THAT KAGUNE WORKS FOR YOU WHEN YOU HAVE 20 CRANKY PREGNANT WOMEN TACKLING YOU TO THE GROUND!!!!

All my sympathy for this fuckboy just flew out the window.

And clearly terrified.

Doctors can kill you, Ken. Why the fuck are you putting the fear of Ishida into this man? That’s like being rude to your waiter and being surprised when you find out they spat in your food.

What a dick.

There’s a crack.

 WTF?!

He had popped his shoulder right out of place.

Whaaaat the fuuuuck?!

“Do you have any idea the kind of things that this man has done?” He asks, directing his question to her, then. “To ghouls? Specifically to ghoul women?” 

YOU SHOULD BE ONE TO TALK YOU HYPOCRITICAL FUCK! Are you telling me the award winning ghoul killer is now showing concern for his victims?

Ken continues, clearly getting a thrill out all of this

/Insert gif of Selina Meyer’s nervous WTF/

“Are you really in a position to talk? You kill ghouls everyday.”

THANK YOU TOUKA!

No, it didn’t. She likes to pretend most of the times. The last three months had been nothing but a happy dream. Ken isn’t the same anymore, even if he pretended to be meek and gentle with her now, that isn’t him at all. This was him. She just had to accept it.

This just made me depressed. Why does it have to be like this?

He tests her blood and the urine, not waiting for any lab work, knowing that Sasaki would not take that well, he does it himself.

I am fuming right now because I know those need at least an hour so that appointment took at least an hour and all those poor women are waiting outside till they finish.

Fuck you Kaneki.

One of his gloved hands intertwined with hers. She was so warm to the touch.

What kind of flimsy ass gloves are those if you can feel her temperature through them?

 even Yomo-san was excited about the new child, asking her about it, and constantly asking to touch her belly in his shy and quiet way.

Gruncle Yomo hype!

He was more than excited to rush the two of them out of his office.

He’ll be more than excited to rat the two of you out as soon as chance permits.

She doesn’t notice the dark, amused look that Ken casts back on the doctor.

Plot twist: Ken has an affair with the doctor and the whole scene before was part of their kinky SM scenes. (Ignore that)

“I love you,” Ken rasps against her mouth.

Fuck you.

(Well, Touka is doing that but I mean that metaphorically you line-cutting bastard)

just like the ones that make her eyes blank and roll behind her lids.

That’s probably because you shouldn’t be lying flat on your back once you enter the second trimester. The good doctor would have told you that if your boyfriend didn’t terrify the fuck out of him.

The sight of her completely tired and sated because of him, sends a thrill up his spine.

I hate to say this but same, Kaneki, same.

The baby seems to kick him right on his cheek as Ken leans in to nuzzle her belly. As if to tell his father that he was being ridiculous.

At least now we know both Ken and Touka have a recessive gene for common sense since the baby seems to have more of it than they do.

“I hope – that you’re like your mama. I hope I can make you both happy and proud.”

/Insert Kristen Wiig’s Bridesmaids are you fucking kidding me gif/

look over the email he had drafted to his good friend, another Associate Class investigator.

I KNEW IT! THIS IS KARMA! THAT BEAUTIFUL BITCH!

But why didn’t the doctor contact his investigator friend when Ken first threatened him though? His terror means they met before but he needed a dislocated shoulder to ask for his friend’s help?

He would look over the contents in his car and send the email.

What is in his car? Why is it important to check before the email? Does this have anything to do with Kanou’s experiments?

He’s too busy shoving his files inside his briefcase to notice the glint of metal glass frames and a fringe of dark hair.

This is such a well-written line, thrilling.

A smile comes across her lips as she thinks about that.

You’re keeping your expectations pretty low if that is what makes you smile.

of the S ranked ghoul Yotsume

SS ghoul! Put some respeck on her rank!

Touka grips the letter, hard enough to shred the paper. Stupid – she had been so fucking stupid.

Guess who is coming home to a vase thrown at their face? I want Touka to pack her stuff and call Nishiki to come pick her up! Put her stuff in the car and wait to punch Ken in the face then leave. Does he think some baby clothes and cushions will make her ignore her baby sister being thrown in jail? Fuck no, you got a big storm coming, Kaneki.

SO MUCH HYPE FOR NEXT CHAPTER!

By the way, I started writing a review for Aphrodisia but my fiancée heard “impregnation kink” and decided to join me in reading and we uh, got distracted. Future hubby is now a huge fan of yours though despite not knowing anything about the manga besides chapter 125. He says he related a lot to Kaneki in the second chapter (big surprise, huh?) despite not being a king or having any murder tentacles sprouting from his back so great job on that one.

[dryadgoddess]

Before the trip I was most excited for Oregon Eclipse festival, especially since my 2015 burn was a let down. We had early entry passes for OE, left Tuesday Aug 15th and headed up to Oregon. The next day we left for big summit prairie, got in line at about 2 PM (gates didn’t open til 12 PM so we were fairly early and probably the first large group of people in line)... so everything was going good, til hours passed... and then the sun set, then it was 10 PM.... and by now I gave up all hope of getting in and having camp set up before the sun rose. People were asleep in their cars, everyone was so exhausted. We ended up getting into festival grounds at about 5-6 AM. That’s about 15 fucking hours in line... I’ve have NEVER experienced anything like it. I was beyond pissed off because we paid $50 bucks each for guaranteed early entry, but entered the festival the day everyone else can started coming in. Besides that poorly orchestrated nonsense, I tried to have a good time. The stages were wonderful, some cool art structures, the eclipse itself was AMAZING (probably the only thing that made up for the festival itself)... but goddamn, Oregon Eclipse was the most poorly put together festival I’ve ever attended -- and to be quite honest, it was apparent they were trying hard to be like burning man but lacked proper use of the 10 principles. 

They claim to be a transformative event but their shortage of compassion and care for the attendees, and obvious money grabbing tactics said otherwise. They were charging $20 for a bag of fucking ice (and nowhere on their site did they mention how expensive it would be). We ended up accidentally locking our keys in the car and they kept us waiting and running back and forth between camp and the info booth for THREE days. The staff were unprofessional and completely fucking rude. I’m getting heated just thinking about it.  One incompetent staff member literally told everyone who came up to him with concerns that he “doesn’t care about anyone’s sob stories”. Sorry that people are stressed out and on the verge of tears because they can’t leave the festival??? Sorry people who flew in from across the world don’t have shuttles lined up because symbiosis is incapable of getting their shit together???? People have work, non-refundable hotels and flights booked, school, etc and you’re making it 10x more difficult to leave festival grounds. I spent so much time in the info booth that I overheard about 5 different, foreign attendees get told that their shuttle buses (which they paid for) were not showing up in the system and that all shuttle buses were full AND if they want to leave they should try to hitchhike... WTF? most fucked up thing I’ve ever witnessed. Let’s not forget to mention the complete lack of lights around the festival... there were rocks EVERYWHERE. I almost rolled my ankle multiple times.. how hard would it have been to set up fairy lights or something around festival grounds? They didn’t even mention for people to bring lights either, so almost everyone was a darkwad. HMMM, what else... someone stole my favorite hoop from the campsite (and I read that a ton of other people had things stolen). Not the festival’s fault but shows you the amount of shitty people in attendance.

There were definitely some great, memorable points of the festival. Gaslamp Killer’s set was AMAZING -- my boyfriend got everyone hyped up around us and we were all singing together. I finally saw Phaeleh, Spoken Bird, and Charlesthefirst, hooped lots, danced lots. I saw a total solar eclipse and I’m incredibly grateful I was lucky enough to make it to Oregon to witness it.  Overall, Oregon Eclipse was kinda forgettable -- maybe I just feel that way cus camping in Tahoe and Burning Man were a lot more fun. The staff really ruined my time and the complete lack of organization within the festival was offensive. We paid so much money to be there and it felt like they didn’t truly care about our well-being. 

After Oregon Eclipse we made our way to south lake tahoe and I had a blast. Our friends camped with us and we spent time explorin, taking photos, chillin around the fire. I enjoyed camping in the forest a lot more than being at the festival -- I know I’ve said this plenty of times but I think I’m growing out of festivals. I’d rather spend my time hiking, doing photography, and camping in the wilderness than spending time at festivals around people high out of their minds. I definitely need to reevaluate my priorities and get over my FOMO cus its costing my boyfriend and I so much money.  After camping we went to Reno and met up with friends, then went off to burning man... and MAN, it was such an amazing time. I can’t even put into words how much I love our campmates. We all shared so many laughs and adventures out on the playa. One of our campmates is SO similar to me, it’s crazy how much we have in common -- literal soul sistArs. I’m so sad we live far from one another, but I’m happy to have made that connection. It was super hot this year at the burn, I think it hit 110° a couple days, so we spent most of the day sleeping and relaxing under our shade structures. I explored a lot less this year than I did my first burn, but I had such a better experience this time around. Your campmates & set up really determine how much fun you have. I loved some of the people during my 2015 burn, but there was too much drama for me to fully enjoy myself. I’m so haaaappy I’m finding a little family n spot for myself out on the playa. I can’t wait for next year!

Overall the past three weeks have been tiring but rewarding. I’m happiest on the road, travelin with my boyfriend. I love sleeping under the stars and drinking beers around a fire with the person I love. I took so many pictures this time around, which makes my heart happy cus I love photography. Next year I plan on sitting out on most, if not all festivals. I’d rather put my energy and money towards exploring national parks and meeting new people. I think I’m just gonna do burning man every year instead. It’s a helluva lot more organized, fun, magical, art-oriented, and full of dusty snarky burners ready to share all their hard work with you. Already planning my next camping trip & burn w/ friends ♡♡♡

[enfantdunord]

i was unexpectedly tagged, so i guess i’ll break my nearly year long tumblr break. someone is interested in me, yay! lol

Rules: answer the questions in a new post and tag 20 blogs you would like to know better yeah no.

A - age: 31 (i’m old, i know) B - birthplace: Canada (happy Canada Day!!!!) 
C - current time: 2:02pm D - drink you last had: coffee. duh. (or if alcoholic, a rum & coke yesterday during wynonna cause i needed it to survive lol) E - easiest person to talk to: Sarah. whatever your username is now? @theycannotfindmenow oh look, it finds you like fb now! how useful. F - favourite song: what a mean and impossible question. no. i refuse. G - grossest memory: so clue. H - horror yes or horror no: horror no. stress factor too high. I - in love?: nah. i get random intense crushes all the time though. (hi danny-looking girl from jazz fest! you were fun to stare at for an hour) J - jealous of people?: no? yes? idk. a regular amount, i guess. i don’t get irrationally angry at people for being happy like some people i know, so, no, i guess. K - killed someone?: um, no? wtf is that question. have murderous thoughts? every single day. L - love at first sight or should I walk by again: no, but lust at first sight yes. 
M - middle name: nope N - number of siblings: nope O - one wish: well, world peace would be nice, but like, on a more personal level, i wish i had even an ounce of nicole haught’s lesbian confidence. i have none. semi-related, i wish i was in a relationship without having to start one. P - person you called last: my mom Q - question you’re always asked: “so, what’s new?” good gods, i hate that question. nothing. nothing has been new since 2004 ok, leave me alone. it’s my least favorite kind of small talk. also when relatives i see a couple of times a year ask if i have a boyfriend. nope, and i never will, thanks. R - reason to smile: wayhaught has made me happy lately, except very recently. also cecil and carlos (night vale) NEVER FAIL at making me smile. i look like an idiot when i listen in public. (yes, i realize those are both ship example, shut up, i have no life) S - song you sang last: Daddy Lessons by Beyoncé feat the Dixie Chicks. listen, LISTEN i found it on an earp heir playlist and this is the most perfect song EVER, okay! just, read this.

came into this world daddy's little girl and daddy made a soldier out of me

but daddy liked his whisky with his tea and we rode motorcycles

Tough girl is what I had to be

He told me when he's gone Here's what you do When trouble comes to town And men like me come around Oh, my daddy said shoot Oh, my daddy said shoot

Daddy made me fight It wasn't always right

And right before he died he said remember

He said take care of your mother Watch out for your sister And that's when daddy looked at me

With his gun, with his head held high He told me not to cry Oh, my daddy said shoot Oh, my daddy said shoot

listen, i’m obsessed, okay.

U - underwear color: right now black, but in general, any, i’m not picky. V - vacation: i like warmth, but also places i can go see historical stuff. although ironically the last place i went to was Seattle and i LOVED IT. i’m an east coast girl to the core and i love my city so much (that would be montreal, btw), but the west coast is a magical place. X - x-rays: um, sure, yeah. weird question, x-rays are not real special. most recent was my foot and nose. nothing found. Y - your favourite food: i’m not really a food person, i’m super picky, but um, i like sweets, and pizza and cheeses. bread. steak. bacon. chicken. Z - zodiac sign: taurus, although that means nothing to me, i believe in this less than zero. negative belief.