#my depressive symptoms worse

[nerdyenby]

Hey squad, #update that I would greatly appreciate if my moots could tag #traffic neg when applicable. If it’s serious, legitimate issues, that’s not what I’m looking to filter, just the sort of “old _____ was better” content that turns my escape mechanism into something that makes me more upset, thanks y’all <3

[mountainhaunt]

forever envious of the bipolar types that have euphoric mania. what do you mean you don't purely feel irate and paranoid and restless the whole time? what do you mean it feels good and you long for it when it's away?? where is ur rage? where is ur depersonalization?? what is this natural high of which u speak

[doginasillyhat]

wow! so basically i can absolutely tell that my meds are not working for me. it’s been close to six months since my dose got changed and i think that’s enough time for me to figure out that this still isn’t working.

i’m feeling so constantly paranoid and anxious. i’m sleeping more than i’m awake again, i’m eating bad, i’m getting lax on my hygiene, i’m not responding to messages - it’s getting bad again.

i definitely need to take a step back! i think i need to Log Off for a bit and get back into the swing of things. see a doctor and get my medication sorted, get my dog back into agility and get into exercise again. i need to focus on work again and get back into seeing my friends since i’m starting to isolate more than usual.

posting content isn’t going to be a priority. i’ll probably still post things when i have the motivation to write, and maybe i’ll linger a bit and see what’s going on in tags. my absence is minuscule and will Not be missed, but hopefully when i return in a little while when i feel better i can still be Appreciated! sex positive hat has loved the reception its been getting. sex positive hat does Not want to let that go!

anyway. tldr taking a break until my mental health evens out again because i am actually doing so terribly. i’ll be in and out but overall. probably super quiet. i’ll still be around in pms for the people i’m talking to there :)

[halogalopaghost]

[domesticated-whores]

time to play a game of "should I go to the doctor's or is my body just being extra silly"

[sanctfy]

realized that i really don't enjoy eating anymore. i still enjoy the taste of food obv + i still have a desire for it, but the actual act of eating is more of a chore than anything. it's something i do bc i don't want the consequences of not eating, but i don't get any pleasure or enjoyment out of it. i think i'm just so consumed by how something is going to make me feel that i can't really appreciate it while it's in my mouth. the association between food + discomfort has become too strong to ignore 😔

[seasonallydefective]

Something that happened twice now in my life is able bodied people saying they want to help me, that they’ll take care of me in some capacity, coaxing me into situations where I end up reliant on them in some way, and then getting ANGRY and violently trying to get rid of me when it’s clear that my chronic health issues are difficult and not going anywhere.

And this isn’t a thing I’ve ever downplayed. Like many people suffering chronic illness, I have days where I seem pretty functional, and days where I need a mobility device or just plain can’t get out of bed. I also have days where I am putting all my energy into getting things done that Need to Get Done, but at the expense of everything else (I can work, but then I’m not going to have the capacity for conversation or feeding myself later that day). This is my normal. I’m pretty vocal about how much it sucks.

So when able-bodied people tell me that I’m being a downer, that I’m just laying around and doing nothing for my health, that they don’t see me actually trying, that me being honest about how I’m feeling is hard on them and they don’t want to deal with me any more …

It’s all really impacted the way I view myself and the treatment I feel like I deserve. Especially since these weren’t people I had some emotional distance from — this was a long term partner and a friend who called me family.

And just pure proximity to me was enough for them to decide that I’m a burden, my illness is my fault, and I deserve to have nothing because of it.

[prowerprojects]

Man I read such a great hanahaki fic for a different fandom today & now I'm thinking of that Sonamy hanahaki au I had in mind ages ago & really want to write that fic

[tittyinfinity]

I love how I get like one week every month where I'm normal. Two if I'm lucky

[thatone-churro]

okay. i know it’s a very bad idea to seek mental health advice from the internet, especially tumblr of all places, but i have a genuine question about this.

actually, before i get too far, i guess i should add some context about myself:

i’m fairly talkative in a certain sense. i like talking. if i start talking about something i like, or if i get excited while talking, i can talk a lot. when i’m alone, i tend to talk to myself a lot. just verbalizing thoughts, mostly; talking myself through a strategy, just voicing my thoughts as i play through a video game, or sometimes just babbling as though i’m talking to someone else. this is a frequent thing and not the root of my concern.

course, sometimes i talk a little less in public or in certain social situations if i’m not “invited” to speak too (more than just being spoken to first, but that’s another explanation i don’t want to go into right now), but i’ve always been like that; something, something, i know it’s more about social anxiety or something that i know i inherited and is a different discussion for a different day.

so, every now and then i have these days where, for lack of a better description, talking feels like it takes too much energy. even that doesn’t feel like it explains it properly but. like the same struggle to get out of bed on a rough day. like somehow speaking, the act of opening my mouth and forcing words out of my throat, takes too many spoons. the same way it feels like taking a shower or brushing your teeth has too many steps despite it being a simple process when your depression’s acting up (we’ll get back to this comparison in a minute).

i can tell when these days come on before i even have to speak to someone; it feels like my words are stuck in my throat. i mean that physically; there’s not actually something in my throat, but there’s a weight of some sort.

i’ve taken to calling these days “quiet days,” since this feeling affects just about everything associated with talking; making myself talk is a struggle; i can’t even talk to myself and all those monologues and discussions happen inside my head instead, but i can’t verbalize them; i don’t want people to talk to me on these days, as in there’s a deliberate, subconscious feeling already there on those days, not that i’m not wanting to talk because of the other feelings; actively listening to and comprehending things people say is also an effort to do, and i tend to tune out my music or whatever background noise i set for myself more than usual; i’ve recently discovered that this same feeling is applied to singing, much to my dismay, because i found this out on a day i kinda wanted to sing.

it’s not that i can’t speak on these days, i can physically make myself if i have to, it just takes more conscious effort sometimes than something like speaking should.

now, i used to chalk this up to being standard nonverbal bouts. i’d heard those were common among neurodivergents, and while i’m not officially diagnosed with anything (classic “everyone does that”/“that’s just something you got from me” type childhood), a lot of symptoms for both ADHD and autism (that i’ve heard of/looked into) match up pretty sharply with me.

however, no accounts from actually autistic people that i’ve read who go nonverbal at times really match up with my experiences. for me, it’s never a response to stress, anxiety, or overstimulation; it’s just something that happens on any given day and sometimes ebbs and flows throughout the day (as in sometimes it’s easier in some parts of the day, but not others, without any particular cue), and it’s never me going absolutely nonverbal, just a preference not to speak from it feeling like it’s too much to do sometimes.

remember that comparison i made to having to speak on “quiet days” feeling like trying to do basic things on bad depression days? yeah, i noticed on a day it hit that it felt very much like that, because i did feel it earlier that day; i found trying to make myself sing or even talk to myself out loud somehow felt like a process with too many steps and i didn’t have enough energy, just like trying to get out of bed that morning (to the point that i didn’t “get up” until that afternoon).

so, all that text and explanation leads to my one question: are these bouts and “quiet days” more from “going nonverbal” as a “symptom” of autism, or simply a symptom of my depression? or can it be chalked up to anything else at all? i’ve never seen or read anything about this on either side, and if it’s something from my depression, then that’s gonna make me take it much more seriously than i have been in the past. or like, is it just me and not anything at all?

any advice appreciated 🙏

[bandedbulbussnarfblat]

so i have managed to get zero writing done, bc i'm out of my adhd meds. and cvs says they are on backorder so it could be a while before i get them. but i NEED them. and the store just expects you to personally call every other cvs nearby and ask them if they have what you need. you know, instead of just doing it themselves, like they should bc it's their goddamn job to see their clients receive their medication. and i cannot function without it. but i hate making phone calls, my social anxiety is so bad that i get super nervous and can barely make it through the conversation without crying. it's not fair. adhd meds like adderall have been hard to get for over a year. and my goddamn insurance won't pay for it anyway, so I'm gonna have to pay out of pocket.

[lycanwlf]

i think my adhd meds need the dose reduced bc i feel horrible but also ive been on the same dose for months and have been completely fine???????? ugh

[sickly-sapphic]

it's so fucking DIFFICULT managing a huge variety of symptoms and illnesses. it feels impossible to keep up with the care for 20+ conditions - im always falling behind or slipping up on something that'll inevitably cause damage to my already abysmal health.

[teardropsonsmyguitar]

.

[ephemeral-winter]

time for my nightly meltdown i guess

[opens-up-4-nobody]

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