#manic depression do you mean: Bad and Worse

[mountainhaunt]

forever envious of the bipolar types that have euphoric mania. what do you mean you don't purely feel irate and paranoid and restless the whole time? what do you mean it feels good and you long for it when it's away?? where is ur rage? where is ur depersonalization?? what is this natural high of which u speak

[bugs1nmybrain]

Bipolar!Shigaraki Tomura Headcanons

I'm writing it. Because I CAN

Before I start, I am writing these headcanons as someone who has been diagnosed with Bipolar Type 1 for almost three years now. I frankly could not care less if people don't think he has Bipolar Disorder, I'm writing this for my comfort and that of others who either have Bipolar disorder or just resonate with the idea that Tomura does.

and I'm also very aware of Bipolar Disorder being stigmatized as something that affects "bad" people. I'm not trying to suggest this, but that Tomura is someone who is neglected of treatment.

Warning: Bipolar disorder as title suggests (Tomura's symptoms relate to type 1 more), talks of depression, mania, psychosis, suicidality, etc, angst?

Tomura has never been given a formal diagnosis and likely has no clue that he has bipolar disorder himself. He doesn't know much about it, either, other then the stereotype that people with general mood swings are "so bipolar."

The doctor knows, AFO does too, but for them, they see it as more ammo for their arsenal to make sure Tomura's life is nothing but agony. He's never been treated with medications or therapy. Nothing.

Because he isn't medicated, his episodes are pretty strong. His manic episodes sort of blend in with his everyday behavior to a lot of people.

It's during this time that he finds himself planning out grand operations against the heroes. Some of his ideas seem unrealistic and not well thought out. They're more just ideas thrown around, and he jumps to gather people and means to carry out his goal before actually having a calculated plan.

He's up all night doing this. But if he's not, he's likely gaming. He huddles up in his room with multiple cans of energy drinks (as if he didn't already have way too much energy).

(semi-canon) will text his comrades at godforsaken hours either asking, demanding, or just rambling about stuff. If he gets an answer, the recipient often finds themself confused because Tomura just talks and talks and talks, and when he's in the heat of some plan or project he doesn't really stop to compose his sentences or even take a damn breath.

He impulsively buys things, like copious amounts of in-game purchases. Or DoorDash. If he's feeling reeeaaal bold he'll go for a whole-ass gaming console if he can, even if his current one is perfectly fine. Or assembling as many thugs as he can and feeling generous enough to overpay them when they definitely don't need the amount of money he's giving them.

You can see how when AFO was arrested, his lifestyle shifted in this regard.

Tomura is already an irritable guy, and so his mania can make it worse. He gets very overstimulated with all of his sensations that little things, like accidentally stubbing his toe, can make him mad as fuck for a good thirty minutes.

He also gets very paranoid about others. When he talks to people, he's already convinced that they are tricking him somehow and he'll read every cue he can to confirm it, even if the proof isn't even there.

Even when he's out in public and by himself, he thinks everyone is mocking, judging, and looking at him. That also comes with being the most wanted villain around, but that's beside the point.

When something finally goes his way, he is HAPPY. Sometimes the League will catch Tomura smiling his face off for no apparent reason (odd for him), and will ask what's up, only for Tomura to CACKLE back with, "ehehAHAH NOTHING!! THAT's just IT!"

They look at each other like, but just let him go about his day. They'll later hear him giggling to himself in his room, and sometimes talking to himself. He'll deny and just tell them he was on chat (his devices are not open and he is standing in the middle of his room).

Because he's not medicated, his mania can trickle into psychotic symptoms. Especially if he's going through more stress than typical. He hears voices that tell him mean things. Sometimes they're the voices of his dead family.

And because he doesn't sleep much, he sees detailed shadows and things moving that aren't. It disturbs him, but he accepts it and tries to just push on. But sometimes if he hears voices more than he'd like, he gets sad and has to grip his head and whisper "shut up shut up shut up" to negate them.

He's delusional, too. AFO's grooming and constant monitoring of his whole life have definitely emphasized his distrust of everything around him. Sometimes he'll think that the people he's gaming with online are secret hero spies trying to get him to reveal himself. He also has a fear that someone is watching him in every location, and he'll think that even the silliest things are cameras or microphones, or that those around him are also spies. Later on, it becomes paranoia that his master is everywhere.

Then comes the doom of depression

For Tomura, he's technically always depressed. But when he goes into a depressive episode, he's pretty lifeless.

He's complacent about his goals. Sometimes he'll get a tiny idea that makes his brain go !, but then he thinks of all the planning behind it and immediately slouches down on any nearby furniture

He'll lay in bed for a long period of time doing nothing. Sometimes he'll try to play a game on his phone but he gets bored quick.

Tends to eat more during this time because it's the only joy he can get. And he gets bored. He is SO BORED

Anhedonia is a bitch

His brain dwells and rambles, yet his thoughts don't make sense to him? He's constantly thinking about how fucked up his life is, how better other villains are, and how much he hates All Might and heroes altogether. He tells himself that if it wasn't for all of that he wouldn't feel this way (relating to the depressive episode).

It overwhelms him and he tries to sleep it off, but he's somehow so depressed that he's UNCOMFORTABLE. His itching gets bad.

He is very suicidal during this time and hurts himself to try and subside it. If you asked him his reason for living, he'd tell you "to see this world crumble." But he's too busy crumbling in his bed.

Psychotic symptoms can occur during his depression, too. Especially if he hasn't slept.

His lack of medication usually causes him to swap back to mania somewhat soon (2 months or so). He definitely has rapid cycles.

Because his condition isn't managed, his brain is sort of in an in-an-out stance when it comes to his literal sanity. He has moments where he can definitely be level-headed (he gets rrly confident when he notices it) but when his anger and stress fuel him more than usual, he spirals and quite literally sees red. Sometimes he can't even tell if he's dreaming or not. Often mistakes the date and day of the week.

:(

I might write a fic of the reader comforting bipolar tomura. I don't think I've ever seen a fic like that for any character.

[lawlia-art]

Here it's a fictional character so everything is NOT real! Black has a bipolar disorder and a dissociative identity disorder (d.i.d.), it's not possible to have both. Usually for the d.i.d., the alters have different names, genders, ages, here it's only the personality that changed but some alters may prefer to be called by their real name (depressive states).

🖤 RESET 160: During the 160th reset even if Sans will have many depressive episodes and manic phases, he still has the same personality as before in euthymic state. It's at the end of this reset that Sans will have a good or bad ending. In the good ending, he will no longer have bipolar disorder and the only difference with Classic Sans is in his appearance, his statistics and his health. But in the bad ending, his personality will become very unstable as he gains levels and he will also suffer from dissociative identity disorder. At level 20 in the euthymic state Sans/Black will have more of a neutral expression and will almost no longer feel any emotions. It's only in a depressive phase that he becomes "himself" again.

🩸 UTBS!Sans/Black Euthymic/Manic Phase/Alter (lv20):

This guy has a psychopatic personality (dark triad). He's very dangerous.. If you want to survive, show him that you can be useful to him and above all never upset him!! He's sadistic and will not hesitate to make you live your worse nightmare. This alter was born when Black reached level 20. He's the representation of all the hatred accumulated by Chara which made her soul black. Unlike the Manic and Manic/Depressive phases, this one does not consume much magic, his appearance is not limited and the others alters can't regain control. The only way is to use a tranquilizer injection. Fortunately it's frequency of appearance is very low BUT his body gets used to the product over time, which means that the doses must be increased. So, if no one can save him in time, it will no longer be possible to help him!! A happy ending is possible for him but Black needs to return to his timeline and he agrees to do a reset. His brother, his father and Frisk are looking for him. Papyrus/White is currently in the Omega Timeline. Gaster came into contact with the timeline parallel to his own to meet his double. Frisk asked Sans (Good ending) for help to save him.

Undertale: Black Soul Timeline (c) LawliaArt

Undertale (c) Toby Fox

[underwater-i-will-go]

hey guys! going to vent a little, so there's trigger warnings of all sorts under the cut! (ed, mental health, etc)

i don't do this for attention or anything btw and i'm not pity fishing. just venting! can't really do it with anyone or anywhere else.

🪄

okay so as some may know, these past 12 months have been ... rough. there hasn't been much i've had left to hold onto after my mother's passing last october, even when her death after her long term sickness that had me be her 24/7 care taker for the last 6 months was for the best unfortunately.

and about six months ago it got extra bad. not sure why, can't figure it out either. then i had a bit of a better time (or maybe five good days tops over the summer which is MASSIVE for me!) but recently i've hit complete and total rock bottom. and by that i mean that despite everything, from trauma that to abuse to more i've been going through since i was 14, i've never been doing worse. darkest and deepest depths of hell sort of stuff.

i'm diagnosed bipolar and manic depressive with a psychosis that no one really seems able to understand so therefore it's hard to treat, plus i have a restrictive eating disorder for which i've been in and out of recovery for a decade now. yeah. and all sorts of trauma and as it stands, no living family left plus my only real life friend moved away recently. my internet best friend only really cares about me anymore when no one else is around. so i'm basically all alone and by alone, i mean ALONE. so there's that.

but i always kept on pushing, not sure why. suicidal thoughts have been more frequent again lately but still. i always keep pushing, i always like to say that's because of all the anger and rage within me because other than depression, there's not much more left of me. everything that i once was before it got really bad about a year ago has just vanished and nowadays i'm nothing but an empty vessel really.

i've also lost the element of me that always kept me going, which was writing, i can't do it anymore. my brain is finally too tired for that. so it's not been easy. i'm also broke lol. i'm just sitting here. so i wanted to ask you guys for advice!

what are your coping mechanisms? like what is it that you like to do to pass time? because whatever used to help me no longer cuts it.

[halfetirosie]

☁ I lied. I fucking DESPISE this Rural Town Fuckery™!!! ☁

(Scales 05 - 07 React-os!)

TIME TO RANT!!!

🚨🚨🚨I'M ALSO GONNA DO SOME KUYA-HATING IN HERE, BUT KUYA HATED ME FIRST SO IT'S FINE 🚨🚨🚨

1) What the actual fuckity FUCK???

What "flesh" are they talking about? Are they cutting their hands and bleeding out into the basin or something???

Also---I think I was wrong in thinking that the villagers' attitude towards yokai is different from the Wood Territory tribe. These guys may act like they like the "merfolk," but they're actually terrified of them to a manic degree.

This scene is disturbing as hell...

2) Nooooo!!! Poor Yakumo!!!

I feel so bad for him, for real! He has issues with controlling his yokai powers like ALL the time; poor babykins can't catch a break!!!

...

...His scales do be looking really pretty, tho...

3) Ohhh, yeah, this makes a lot of sense. I feel dumb for not predicting this earlier.

I mean, the whole reason Eiden and Yakumo came to the island was to inquire about the recipe that included merfolk meat as an ingredient.

It makes no sense for the villagers to have a whole-ass ceremony to "honor" the merfolk; unless their true purpose was to appease the merfolks' anger.

I'm guessing that these villagers' ancestors hunted the merfolk in the surrounding waters---like a fucked up version of whaling. When they thought they hunted merfolk to extinction, they then feared that that they'd return and take revenge.

That's why, instead of being happy to see [what they think is] a merfolk, the villagers get scared and angry...

4) We interrupt this depressing event to bring you a Yu-Gi-Oh! reference! :D

---Yes, I know that "Umi" is the word for "ocean" in Japanese. But I'm a pathetic dork that will always associate that word with the Yu-Gi-Oh! card of the same name. (˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶)

5) ......Bruh.

Okay, two things!

FIRST:

......Eiden, sweetie? I love you, but how have you not figured out the reason for the villagers' freak-out by now??? I feel like the talk of "revenge" is enough for the average person to put context clues together..🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

Am I wrong? Am I just being a jerk??

SECOND:

I'm sorry, but I am getting REAL sick of Kuya's bullshit. These last two events he's been an insufferable DICK.

This bitch always has something mean to say about everyone and everything, without even being provoked first. And he has the audacity to accuse others of hypocrisy when he's the worst offender?!?! Why can't he just shut up and leave people alone?!?!?!

Lately, his character seems to have gotten worse, and every scene he's in makes me feel miserable. It's just too much.

I really hope the devs will dial back his toxicity soon.

6) That's kinda weird...?

I'm confused about the rules of this fish-scale relic.

Why was Yakumo the only one that had strong side effect from touching the relic? It's not like he was the only one touching the relic; all of those human villagers + Eiden touched it an prayed over it, too.

Does the relic only react to all yokai essence?

Why was the relic designed to react to anything other than merfolk essence in the first place??? That seems highly impractical.

7) Ugh.

Look, I get it. I'm not saying he's wrong to point out that Yakumo's a special case---that most yokai would have too much trouble to live alongside humans without issue.

But he really didn't have to word it so rudely, or insult Yakumo by calling him delusional. 🤦‍♀️

---His nasty attitude aside---

Am I crazy, or do I detect a hint of jealousy here? 🤔

I know the intended interpretation of that second sentence, "But not everyone is as lucky as you are," is supposed to be in reference to Umi.

But idk, man; something about it (maybe his expression?) makes me think he could also mean himself? After all, as we see in the Forest Carnival event, over his long life Kuya has gotten acutely aware of the issues of human/yokai relations, and he is super pessimistic about it.

What if, part of the reason he's so pessimistic and disrespectful to humans is not just because he's experienced human cruelty, but because he wanted to get along with humans at one point and failed?

It's just a theory. 🤷‍♀️ If nothing else, that context would make for a good fanfic.

8) OH, FUCK!!!!!!

(⊙ᗣ⊙)

I knew the history was bad, but somehow this is even worse than I thought. Instead of the merfolk living around the island, they lived on the island, and those humans straight up committed genocide and stole their land!!!

It's safe to say, I'm certain of what the social commentary this event is aiming for now...

Step 1: Invade a territory

Step 2: Murder the people native to the land

Step 3: Retroactively mystify the culture of the people that were murdered

Step 4: Make cowardly attempts to "appease" those from the group you murdered, without returning what you stole in the first place

*depresso-s in American*

9) Oh my GOD, they couldn't be more hypocritical if they TRIED!!! 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

(New drinking game that would kill me: take a shot every time this event makes me facepalm or shake my head)

Talk about poetic INjustice---I wasn't even rooting for them, but I still end up indescribably disappointed.

Why do people like this never learn???

I don't care if this island is cut off from the outside world; that isn't an excuse for this bullshit.

This village has had plenty of time to think about what they've done, and how to react if a merfolk showed up in the future.

And the BEST they came up with was to do the SAME THING (attempting to murder the merfolk) THAT MADE THEM SO WORRIED AND SCARED IN THE FIRST PLACE?!?!?!?!

THEY ARE SO STUPID AND EVIL!!!!! I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA PASS OUT FROM FRUSTRATION AND ANGER!!!

💢 (╯🔥 ᗣ 🔥)╯︵ ┻━┻

🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬

🔥 End of report 🔥

[disabledstraydogs]

For the ask game, Lucy and Kyouka with ♿️, 🩼, ☔️, 🏳️‍🌈 and 🐶

I hope that's not too much! (and sorry about the questions being kinda out of order lol)

Hi anon! Because of the number of points here, we are just doing Lucy, but feel free to resend if you want us to do Kyouka as well!!!!

Lucy

♿️ - What is your disability headcanon for [character]? What are the main symptoms that they show? Be as specific or as vague as you want.

Okay Lucy to me has:

Schizoaffective disorder- To me her main symptoms would have disorganized behavior and speech, hallucinations, and mania/depressive episode

She also uses/used a colostomy bag- Although atp I'm unsure if I headcanon her as having it a permanently or just as a young teenager, I think it was either an infection or cancer that causes her to need one. In this post though we're going for it being permanent.

System Lucy is a headcanon we have- however currently I'm leaning towards Anne being a reoccurring hallucination rather than an alter

I don't know what exactly this would class as but due to the orphanage I think she would have something with her hands maybe a nerve or skin issue? Because I don't know what exactly I won't specify this but it's a Thing imo.

🩼 - What is their relationship like with their disability? Are they in denial? Do they fight against it? Are they at peace with their disability?

I think with her schizoaffective disorder she's very used to it, however I think she does have times where she is reluctant to (or judt doesn't) take her meds because she wants to be 'better' and 'normal'.

With her colostomy bag I think she despises it. Having been bullied for using one (despite it being necessary for her to survive) I think she just associates it with bad things and would hide it. She's very anxious to have people find out that she uses one because she doesn't want to answer any of the intrusive questions that come with it. Sometimes she struggles to change it because of this.

🐶 - Has their past affected their disability and it's formation? How?

I think this is an interesting question. In Lucy's case I think the bullying and mistreatment 100% caused (or triggered) her schizoaffective disorder. Obviously we don't know her parents so there could be a genetic element too. But I think being called a freak and so forth impacted her majorly and had her developing delusional thoughts at a young age that weren't picked up on. Also I think the nature of her ability would aid in her disorder.

I don't think there was much she could do to change the possibility of having a colostomy, although I think the orphanage could have picked up on her medical needs sooner and gotten her help that means she may not have needed one.

☔️ - What does a 'bad day' look like for them? How do they cope with this?

I think a bad day for Lucy would involve a lot of emotions and sobbing. She wants attention and reassurance but isn't sure how to ask for this. I think she would lock herself in her ability and just. be held by Anne because she feels like no one else can love her.

I think if she was in mania rather than the depression she would act incredibly impulsively, and possibly have an aggressive streak when she's manic.

For her colostomy, it causes skin irritation, and that makes her upset because it's like a permanent reminder that it's there. Also if it leaks and Lucy is in a bad place she will break down and possibly panic depending on where she is when or if she's in a bad place in general.

🏳️‍🌈 - A random headcanon about [character] and their disability

I've said this before but I think Lucy is a horror junkie, however I also think this could make her psychosis symptoms worse. The Guild have pretty much banned her from watching horror films.

For a headcanon we haven't spoken about.... Besdies Anne, I think Louisa and Atushi are the only people who have actually seen Lucy's colostomy bag. I though Louisa is the only person Lucy has let close enough to help her with changing it.

[lucius-morningstar]

Fun Facts and Headcanons for my Oc's

So I shared a little of my newest redesigns for Eris and Lovebomb but no funfacts. I am unsure if their facts will be in this post but I am doing my main boy first for obvious reasons. So let's start with my current obsession. My boy Lucius Morningstar, Twin brother of the bubbly optimistic Charlotte Morningstar. ---- Fun Facts: 1. Lucius use to be equally as optimistic as Charlie, wanting to see the best in everyone regardless of why they ended up in hell and sadly in doing that he is taken advantage of in every meaningful way possible. 2. He has a rather huge overprotective nature when it comes to Charlie, he has his reasons aside from being a good big brother. He just doesn't want her to go through what he did, and with their parents disappearing let's say they both have some clear abandonment issues they don't want to delve into. 3. Lucius has made it his mission to make sure no one hurts his sister, he basically made it his whole purpose which wasn't entirely his fault when he was encouraged by more so his dad then anyone else to always protect his sister. 4. His relationship with both parents is honestly lacking, he cares very little for his father and his mom isn't any higher on the list. In his eyes they abandoned both of them, in turn hurting Charlie which he has a hard time forgiving even though Charlie herself already has in a sense.

5. He has had a string of really bad relationships. He has a hard time when it comes to commitment and it gets worse after he loses the first one he genuinely began to love. 6. Lucius loses a lot of trust in most sinners after not only losing so many of his "friends" to the extermination but later finding out they didn't care for him as much as he cared for them. They didn't want him for him but for his money, power and pull. Including the woman he fell for and ultimately lost due to said extermiations. 7. His only remaining "friends" are the Carmine sisters and he's unsure if they actually do care so he keeps his distance. Their friendship is slowly forming again but he still finds himself uncertain. Especially when feelings come into play for one of said sisters. He does not want a repeat of last time. 8. He has nearly thrown his father through a wall upon being told that sinners will die regardless and he should have known better. His father telling him this mere weeks after losing his first love. So yeah he may have overreacted just a touch. 9. He was planned to be leaving the pride ring all together and setting up shop in the greed ring becoming a circus ringleader under control of Mammon. Mammon does take advantage of Lucius's greed and pumps him full of "happy pills" to help keep him in line. This was my original take on Lucius, but that changed. 10. Charlie is the reason Lucius was able to snap out of his manic depression, knowing he still had her and his will to protect his sister was still there. So he made that his mission never truly leaving his demon form since that night. He has to this day still tries to look out for his siter although it's become a bit more difficult since Vaggie came along. Vaggie and him aren't exactly friends but both have similar goals when it comes to Charlie. Keep her safe but that doesn't mean they're friends. Not by a long shot, they do get closer though as time goes by. 11. He clearly has no like towards heaven or the angel community as a whole, especially the Exorcists. So you can only imagine his surprise when he realizes Vaggie was one of them. His reaction would surprise you though. 12. His current love interest is Clara Carmine although he's unsure if she feels the same and is far too afraid to take that step in fear of history repeating itself, that and he's unsure if Clara is just friends for the sake of benefit or because she genuinely wants to be. She has said that she wants them to be friends but he still isn't entirely certain. His mixed signals also tend to hurt her more then he realizes. 13. Lucius use to sing much like Charlie but he doesn't do it anymore. He doesn't like to say why but Charlie is aware and despite trying to be positive, she's never really forced him to continue. The two did sing often and they'd be lying to say they didn't miss it.

[superchat]

hi! i've seen you post about it a lot, could you explain nerdy girl overdose? something about anime girl doing drugs is appealing and i feel like you can explain it better than a wikipedia article

Uhm hi!!! needy girl overdose is a management game. you play as the faceless boyfriend of ame, who wants to be a streamer. the gameplay is basically deciding what activities ame should do. she has a new idea for a stream, she could really grow her view count with it. or how about a date night, shes really stressed and could use some time with you. how about the hospital? shes been falling into a dark place lately and might hurt herself. you have to balance these things and see where it takes you. theres so many endings possible that can be 30 minutes or like 2+hrs(?) each, lots of replayability

One big appeal is the overall loveletter to the internet that the game is. the localization is spot on and full of references and jokes and subcultures that is very hard to capture if you havent been around through them (very early one youll see is a RANDY YOUR STICKS reference). it goes into the parasocial relationship the develops in online spaces, having an identity or persona that seen by others. wanting to be seen and loved, how your persona can grow, and these interactions can turn toxic if left unmanaged

Another part of the game is that its very deep into the menhera subculture. its got a lot of emphasis on mental health and dealing with mental issues. ame gets depressed, or goes manic, or abuses her medication, or SH's. theres some. really really good letters she has on some of these things.

The game can get dark, not because it tries to, but just because these things are so intertwined and connected that you kind of have to have it, if you want to be as genuine as you can be. theres not really a central Point to the game, its mostly just. a loveletter to the internet, for all its goods and bads. from the sense of community and belonging that transcends physical bounds, to the destruction and toxity and abuse it can enable for the self and others, the game kind of embraces it all

Switch version has some censorship (drugs are macarons now lol, idk what other changes there are) but its there if you want accessibility to play it, its on steam too, if you're interested, id say pls check it out if you're up for it :3

this should go without saying but this game is not meant to enable self harm or abuse. as i understand, menhera is not so much about getting worse, but using imagery of dark themes with a cuter look as a way of helping to get out of bad habits. like using poison as an antidote, and thats what this game does for me a lot. the darker art and themes helps me vent in a way and holds me off from doing things. take care of yourself! be kind to yourself! dont be mean to your body. its doing the best it can.

[abimee]

i get where posts are coming from when they talk about the, i dont know what better way to example them besides ''weird/strange disorders'' people are often adverse to, and in ways that try to make them palatable/less scary like ''oh my friend who hears voices actually enjoys them and she finds comfort in them'' and doing things in a way to mitigate the fear of them, even people who have them themselves doing this. but i dont really enjoy that this is the only line that these thoughts go through, of how entertaining or enjoyable these things can be, when i think we do need more understanding of them by demanding the outside participant recognize that theyre not always going to get that feel-good depiction of our disorders

like the best way i can personally put it is yeah some of my disorder symptoms are enjoyable on my part, but a problem with that is when im manic and in a state that makes me feel good i can often become a danger to myself or others because im so hopped up on my own euphoria that i forget consequences and limitations exist, and so often mania is just as bad for me if not worse for me than depression because im incapable of being self aware, critical, realistic, and the mania can often feed into a dangerous mindset teetering me closer to suicide than depression. but mania getting played off as just '' i have so much energy! i got zoomies!" or ''mania is actually really cool because [x]'' when in all actuality of someone like me with insane bipolar swings starts telling you how enjoyable mania is Thats A Bad Sign

or like with the symptoms that float somewhere between my bipolar and ocd. im going to ask for some incredibly insane accomodations or say things that i dont understand may be hurtful because what may be a silly little quirk you do may feel like someone is putting their nails into my skin and dragging them down my back until they draw blood. or i may act offputting because my brain is either trying to tell me that i was destined by god to save you from your relationship, that i have no basis to believe is unhealthy purely besides my brain telling me that because you arent dating me that you are surely in a shitty relationship, or the complete opposite where im certain you are in fact only in my life to steal my friends and make a mockery of me by long conning me into getting close to you and revealing information for you to put out and get me hunted down and killed like an animal for, even thought there is no such information besides my brain telling me There Might Be and I just forgot

and to have friendships and close relationships with people similar to me is to have to not only respect back but understand that youre not going to get the feel good caretaker shit where my bipolar actually makes me a fun and interesting person to be around or my comorbid ocd actually makes me a really safety orientated person, it means youre going to have to watch me just directly not say some things to you on a discord call because i think were being recorded by secret agents and me asking you to come pick me up a 3 mile drive away randomly because i tried taking a vacation but psyched myself into believing im going to die if i dont get back home and i need to get home NOW. like i get positivity posts about the ''scary/weird'' disorders have their time and place but when all i see is people trying to make us palatable i wonder if even people like me who are defined and live day by day with their neurosis would be included because we exemplify some of many reasons why these disorders are in the neurodivergence category, one defined by the fact that we dont need medication and to be ''cured'' as much as we need the world around us to learn to accomodate us and accept us without trying to change us.

and theres people more severe than me! certainely! im only in the medium to extreme range of bipolar being youthful and not experiencing more psychosis symptoms, but even i can be offputting and upsetting to others purely by thr way my bipolar has wired me, and i wonder if IM considered ''too much'' for people how my siblings who need 24 hour round clock assistance and care to live will be treated and if the people who wanna de-fang disorders can accept those people as friends and family and closed ones. this also goes into stuff like how we can pass these disorders onto their kids, and what if your child is the violent stereotype? what if the voices arent nice? what if your child cant be left alone with a babysitter or anybody besides a select set of people without freaking out? what then

[mentalhealthhelpsblog]

A FEW things you probably understand if you are Bipolar:

🟣It’s hard to finish one thing at a time.

On the way up, you start doing the washing up, then you think of a poem and get a quarter of the way through it, then you remember you wanted to alphabetise your books, then you start watching a film, then you do more of the (now cold) washing up.

🟣Sometimes the world turns black and white.

When you’re depressed you stop enjoying things you used to, nothing seems worthwhile and all you want to do is sleep for a thousand years.

🟣It doesn’t mean you’re up and down all the time

Everyone’s different – you can have rapid cycling (where you quickly go from high to low), mixed state (when you have symptoms of depression and mania at the same time), or go gradually up and down with periods of ‘normality’ in between.

🟣Madness

Everyone experiences mania differently, whether it’s delusions such as thinking you have superpowers, suddenly getting it into your head to get on a train to Scotland instead of the train home, not sleeping because you have so much to write or paint, or suffering hallucinations.

Losing control of your mind is odd to say the least. Imagine losing control of your limbs – having them dance about or do things without your input. Then apply that to your daily thought processes.

🟣Stigma

Talking about mental health can be so scary that many people decide not to tell anyone.

The ignorance and discrimination surrounding mental illness is considerable.

Although sometimes the person who discriminates the most against you is you.

🟣You are probably a great listener

Somehow you have become the one friends turn to with their troubles.

You don’t know whether this is because you’ve had counselling and therefore have picked up how to listen sympathetically, or because you are more guarded than others about yourself so others fill silences with chatter.

🟣The buzz

The buzz of hypomania isn’t fun – it’s more like having espresso in your veins.

Admittedly you can get quite a lot done during these times though.

🟣You don’t find suicidal thoughts scary

They’re more like preteens hanging round Justin Beiber’s hotel in the rain – sometimes they change, sometimes they go, occasionally we pay them attention but mostly they just linger.

🟣you’re a shopping liability

You’ve gone over your overdraft more times than you can remember buying things you don’t even want during a manic phase.

During mania or hypomania your brain makes weird connections and all of a sudden it makes perfect sense to buy a set of golf clubs when you haven’t played a day in your life.

🟣You’re probably a perfectionist

You need to sleep but you told the office you’d bring in homemade cupcakes the next day so you’re still up at 1am rolling edible flowers in egg yolk and sugar.

🟣Alcohol is usually best avoided

Alcohol is a depressant.

Adding this in to your natural brain chemistry and mood stabilisers isn’t fun the morning after.

Normal hangovers are bad enough – yours are worse than a coke come-down and often leave you a weeping, morose mess.

🟣Relationships can be hard

I once dumped the man I loved during a manic phase and we never recovered.

Not everyone can face mental illness, but then relationships can be challenging for everyone, in all kinds of ways.

A friend who is also bipolar has been married for years, which gives me hope.

🟣You are stronger than you know

Sometimes getting through another day is a huge achievement. Don’t give up.

[khodorkovskaya]

21.03.23

i remember this time around last year my friend from maths told me that she has "reverse" seasonal depression as in she gets depressed when it's spring/summer, instead of autumn/winter how it usually goes for most people. and i was baffled! how can you get depressed when days get longer, the sun gets warmer, trees start blooming, birds start singing, etc? in winter everything is dark and cold and gloomy, it makes sense to be a little depressed. but spring..?!

but this year i really feel her... ive been dreading the arrival of spring. because spring means warm weather and warm weather means going on walks and going on walks means going on walks with B. but this year there is no B. there's just me and my loneliness and my shitty nostalgia. and every time the sun shines a little too brightly or the birds sing a little too happily, i want to burst into tears. so all i want to do is stay inside and pretend it's still winter and im still in my comfortable warm cocoon because hey it's normal to stay inside and be alone when it's winter, right? but fuck. i go outside and want to kms.

this "reverse" seasonal depression thing has turned into paranoia. whenever im out and about in town, im constantly looking around myself, staring into the face of every passing stranger, convinced that i am going to bump into B. i can't sit still, i can't walk straight, no no no... i have to constantly be looking left and right, turning my head, always checking... and when i get a glimpse of some tall guy with dark hair or, worse, someone crouched on a bike, i get a manic adrenalin rush like oh my god it's him! but it's never him, of course.

what's worse is that that one lana song has gotten quite popular on instagram and it seems like every reel i watch has it. and that song takes me back to one particular moment with B.

every time i discover a new song i like, i listen to it on repeat until i get sick of it. and in spring of 2018 that song was "say yes to heaven". it already made me all teary eyed when i first heard it. there's something about it idk, it really touched me.

so it was the beginning of spring and B and i went for our usual walk in the countryside by the bridge. and we were talking about love and he started telling me about his ex. in a very neutral manner, nothing extraordinary, just like "this is how my first relationship went". and, sure, to him it felt like a story from the past. he was like what, 16 when it happened? and he was 29 when he was telling me about it. it was a typical first love story that everyone has, really nothing special. but to my teenage self it was the most heartbreaking thing i had ever experienced. i couldn't fathom the fact that B was my first love, but his first love was someone else.

i listened to his story, of course, and i was curious about it. her name was antoinette and they met at scouts. he seduced her by playing guitar. i don't know why but i had always imagined her with bright red hair. not as in ginger, but as in dyed cartoonish red hair. and a striped shirt with black skinny jeans. maybe it was because her name sounded so damn french that she absolutely had to have a stiped shirt in my imagination. but yeah, dyed red hair and bright red freckles. that was B's first love for me. when i came home that day, i listened to "say yes to heaven" and cried, imagining B being as innocently in love with her as i was with him, mourning the fact that he would never love me this way and how i could never be his first. and now whenever i hear that song, i think about 19 year old me crying and i want to cry again.

i later learned about B's other ex, meriç. this was a whole different story and at first i thought that it would be easier for me to digest. after all, they hadn't parted on good terms and B would often use her as a bad example. they were toxic, he said. but the more i thought about meriç, the worse i felt about myself. i couldn't get over the fact that B moved to turkey for her! and for me, well... i once mentioned the fact that i was thinking about going to another city for uni and B threw a tantrum. he would never sacrifice anything for me, i thought, he would never move to a different country for me. that meriç girl must've had something i didn't.

after giving it some thought, id made up my mind about meriç and drew a clear picture of her in my mind just like i had done with antoinette. my imaginary meriç was sexy. that's why he moved to turkey for her, i explained to myself. and toxic relationships are always extremely sexual, right? the whole fighting and making up and fucking thing. there's always a thrill, always a chase... men love that shit, right? meriç was exciting, feisty, sexually liberated. and when B would whine about me not wanting to do anal or being shy while giving him blowjobs, the thought of meriç would occupy my mind. she probably said yes to anal, i thought. she probably looked into his eyes while sucking his dick and im too fucking sexually useless to do any of this shit. that's why he moved to turkey for her and wouldn't want to move to a city that's 3 hours away for me.

and so there i was, the most boring and forgettable girlfriend. antoinette had the infatuation, the romance, the rush of first love. meriç had the thrill, the lust, the toxic passion. and me? well... no matter how many times B would tell me that i was the best he'd ever had, it would never get through to me. it frustrated me that we weren't on the same page. to me our relationship was exciting and firey and felt like destiny and i would get the strongest butterflies-in-my-stomach feeling while looking at him to the point of feeling intoxicated. and at the same time i would feel devastated and suicidal even when something would go wrong. it was full of ups and downs and crazy hormonal rushes. and to him it was his third serious relationship, calm and calculated, no hard feelings. "i feel so calm when im with you," he would tell me. and it felt like defeat.

i saw a picture of meriç once. i had to stalk her on facebook, of course i had! she looked quite similar to me actually, with a wave in her hair and full cheeks. at least that's what my bestie had pointed out because, of fucking course, i showed her the picture. it was only years later that B had told me that him and meriç had no sexual chemistry and it was quite frustrating. and maybe he lied, but i wish 19 year old me would've known that. she's married now. and so is antoinette. she has a daughter i think? or two. i don't know. but they've moved on. and i will move on from B. and he'll probably tell his next girlfriend about me. or not. who knows what he would say. and what she will think. will she imagine me with red hair and freckles? who knows.

[treestomeetyou]

I have a very similar experience. I obviously get wanting to look at the positives, but I also think it's important to understand the full picture. A lot of the talk I've seen online surrounding autism has made me realize that people don't really know just how shitty it can be sometimes.

Autistic people aren't just "a little quirky". In fact, some of the most talked about symptoms were the least of my concerns growing up. My emotional maturity has always been...not great. I struggled with anger and I had outbursts so bad that I would sometimes end up getting in fights or breaking things. And I had these all the way up until I was in high school. I thankfully had therapy and it's not as bad as it used to be, but my issues will never be completely gone. I've also had sleep problems my whole life and I don't really have the ability to be in certain high stress situations. That takes a lot of things off the table that I otherwise would have loved to do. I also can sometimes shut down when I get overwhelmed which is similar to a depressive episode (something I also have and experience) and depression is often a symptom autistic people experience but for me it was a seperate diagnosis. There are also people who have it worse and may never be able to live on their own, and who have problems that are even more serious and it feels like we're just...not allowed to talk about that. I have been called ableist more times than I can count by people who didn't realize I was autistic, just for trying to talk about these things, or for saying that I wouldn't wish this on anyone else.

A lot of people seem to think it's a fun thing to have and that's just not the case. It sucks. I wish people would understand that there's a difference between hating myself for being autistic (which I don't, I'm actually very upfront about it) and wishing that I didn't have certain symptoms. I'm not "masking" because I don't want to get angry and yell at my friends and family every two seconds! I did everything I could to get past that because it was the right thing to do for the sake of the other people in my life. I was bullied in school as a kid (mostly for the anger stuff) but as an adult I have experienced more shaming from within the autistic community than I have from outside of it. I should be able to talk about both the positive and the negative side of autism. There's normalization, and then there's presenting an idealized fantasy version of autism that rarely ever actually exists. (I also wish people would do actual research instead of just...basing their views of autism on a tik tok they saw somewhere, but that's a whooooole other conversation lmao)

Sorry, I didn't mean for this to get so long. I'm just very passionate about this. I hope you have a good day. ✨️

never apologize for making it so long it’s nice to hear from other people. i feel like autism on tiktok is just some kind of new age manic pixie dream girl. like she’s quirky and she has funny little habits but it’s “breaks the fantasy” when she has issues that can make her unpleasant to be around.

i always joke that i don’t drink a lot because i’m kind of a bitch when i drink, but it’s just sensory overload that makes me a deeply unpleasant person. i don’t want to be like that, i put in a lot of work to not be like that. but that work takes a lot out of me and i resent that. i agree with you that i wouldn’t change myself, i’m autistic and that’s an unchangeable part of me. but it’s so hard to make people understand that it’s a still a disability. that there are things i can’t do. i will require certain supports my whole life. the toxic positivity around autism (and neurodivergent people in general) online gets on my nerves. i can love myself and find positives in myself while still being upset about how i struggle

[shy-the-schizophrenic]

Well, I'm finally manic. I've been stuck in a depressive episode for seven months. I couldn't write at all. I was so apathetic. The only thing I could do was complain on my blog about my boyfriend. Well good news guys. Life is looking up in alot of ways and there are some downs. The ups. My relationship is amazing. I stopped splitting on my boyfriend. He really is the best thing to ever happen to me. Even my sister finally said she wants to meet him because she's seen how much I've changed and grown up. Besides that bout of splitting on my boyfriend. Yes that still happened but the way I handled it was way different than how I would have in the past. I don't degrade him, call him names, yell at him. I'm not mean to him just because I've split on him. I'm distant as hell. I don't say things I don't mean anymore because I've lost so many people by doing that. I wrote on here. An anonymous blog. Also my work is improving. I'm taking it seriously. Going in 4-5 days a week. Working an actual shift. In just a week and a half of consistency I've made more in a week than I ever did in a month. It's awesome! In my new place I have a little fridge in my room and for the first time it has food in it. Paid for with my own money. My boyfriend has been helping me with alot of stuff cuz I was struggling financially. But now I'm good again! If I keep doing what I'm doing ill be perfectly fine when it comes to financial struggling. I made a new friend. She's the one helping me with all this. This whole move and meeting her triggered my manic episode and it's great. I feel amazing. Things feel good. It's been 2 weeks and I haven't fully unpacked until today. I started my period and took the day off. So I finally made my room my little home. It looks fucking awesome. I feel comfy here now. It feels like my space. The roommates are really awesome. They are a lesbian Trans couple. Some people would be weird about it but so far they are the best roommates I've ever had. I like it better living with women. Every man I've lived with after leaving my mom's house was a nightmare. I've moved seven times in two years. Every single place was terrible. Not the place, the roommates. So I'm glad to have good roommates now. Okay so now the bad news. My mom might have uterine cancer. I had an episode in the car on the way home after being told that news. Everything just hit me at once when I realized there might be a timer on my mom's life. Something I've kept myself awake at night thinking about. I've heard the prognosis is good but when I freaked I didn't know that. My life with my mom flashed before my eyes. In my head every memory was coming out and playing at once but I can see all of them. Every good thing, bad thing. Then I thought of the fact that our relationship is messed up and so much time has been wasted not being in her life. Then regret that I wasted that time over stupid shit, but it wasn't stupid shit. They were legit reasons to be angry with her. The things she's done wrong were wrong but I forgave her but a tiny percent of me wishes she would take accountability. Only now I can't want that because why would you want to make a dying person, your mom, feel any worse than they already do knowing they are dying. So I have to let it go. Stop expecting that long talk and just let go and be in the moment. Yet it hurts that I no longer can expect it. It's a mess I know. I don't know what to think about it.

[xdeusxmachinax]

Why I swim with the Pisces

I can’t be sure I’m manic depressive exactly. For a long time, my diagnosis was kept from me, and what I have exactly, I’m not sure. All I do know is that somewhere before I was ten, I began to have periods of intense panic, and sorrow. I’d break down crying if something I couldn’t immerse myself in wasn’t on TV. I’d burst into a sobbing mess if my mother was out of sight for two long. I remember deliberately wetting the bed to try and spend a little more time near her, and she called me out on it. I think I was seven, and it was shortly after being rescued from almost being molested. 

I remember not wanting to go out and catch bugs, or line my pokemon toys on the front steps, like elite four champions. I just wanted to sit and watch cartoons. I remember my mother nearly crying with frustration, because she was trying to wrangle my younger brother and I was still sitting staring at my school clothes, not dressed for the day. I was crying. It genuinely felt like I couldn’t move to put them on. And I didn’t know why. I didn’t know why I was being so bad.

 At some point, after talking to a lot of really friendly strangers in crisp offices filled with toys, I was given medicine. And it made me feel a little better. For a while.It’s a process, especially as a child, to find what medicine works for you. It’s even worse, as you couple it with puberty and adding on things like Birth Control. But overtime, I began to see two sides of myself.

There was one, who felt a bit like a disney princess. She could sing, and clean, and make people’s days better by being friendly, and she made plans. Big plans, not always things she could finish, but she dreamed big. I thought of that as ‘the real me.’

Then, there was the other me. Who felt like she was made of toothpicks, created just to fall apart, and hurt everyone else, made to crumple and suffer at the slightest difficulty. During the teens and twenties, her teeth came in. I’d lash out when I was hurt, but always in private. online, or at my sweet, confused step-father. I’d spew all the vicious venomous things my mind could come up with, anything to get the hurt, and anger and frustration out of me and into someone else. I hurt a lot of my online friends then. Never to their face, of course, but to other friends, my then-boyfriend, people I know wouldn’t spread it. People who let me get the venom out.  I’m never going to forgive myself for the things I said. 

It’s easier now. If anyone else has a dynamic like this in their hearts, I swear to you, that it does get easier. I’m in my thirties now, and as the years pass it feels less and less like I’m two impossible contrasts pulling against each other, and more like I’m two halves together.

When I first met my now-husband, we would talk on the phone. And we would talk for hours, and when we talked, I’d walk in circles. Especially when I was feeling like my disney princess self.

“Like a goldfish in a bowl!” my husband chimed, cheerfully. And from then on, that was my nickname, Tinafish.

I’d never really had a name I liked. Tina always seemed clunky and unpleasant. And Kristina was my name when I was in trouble, or had to do something professional. Tinafish felt perfect. It felt like a nickname from a friend. And it stuck. I was doubly charmed, because my star sign was pisces.

I think, that sing, the Two fish, swimming in opposite directions, has sort of become something of a mantra to me. That just because I’m a little broken doesn’t mean I’m wrong, or unnatural. There’s always been a symbol for people with a mind like me. I’ve always been just a fish, moving the pebbles in her bowl best she can. and sometimes swimming in confused circles. And thats okay. I’ve reached a point where most days, I’m okay. More often than not even, I’m okay.

And I have cute little fish pins, as ballasts. A little cotton fish my sister-in-law hand knit for me. and I’m not a venemous creature or a disney princess. I’m just me. Just a fish. And I’m still swimming okay.  

[rhube]

This is something I think about a lot too. I completely understand why people want to destigmatise mental illness by stopping people using diagnoses in a derogatory manner. But. Speaking as someone who has had multiple mental illnesses for a really long time, the insistence that we never talk about any behaviours as crazy or insane - or sometimes even only tangentially related words like batshit - ignores the fact that there words WEREN'T solely used to stigmatised the mentally ill in the past. There's a lot of behaviours and thoughts that average, basically mentally healthy people engage in that overlap with or ar identical to things mentally ill people do. The difference is degree, proximity to other symptoms, and the extent to which they interfere with daily life. It's actually very useful to be able to say a person (including oneself) is a bit crazy without using the term negatively. But now we have to trip over ourselves to find a word for this overlap area of behaviours and thoughts.

Which is why I usually prefer to differentiate between more generic terms and actual diagnoses. Yes, 'psychotic' as a pejorative is not OK. This extends to things like 'sociopath' and 'psychopath', which a lot of people seem to both think are real diagnoses and OK to use as a pejorative. The terms themselves are not generally given these days as diagnoses and it's debatable whether you can separate out people with empathy disorders into these categories, but there are real people who struggle to empathise with others who, contrary to what you may have heard in a think pieces about CEOs and bad managers, are not typically bad people who do bad things to other people.

There is a problem with some of the language we use about mental health, but I'm not sure the solution is to remove the generic words that are inclusive of behaviours seen in healthy people from circulation.

It is sometimes helpful to say that someone's beliefs have deviated from reality even if you don't think they have specific symptom clusters that relate to a mental illness.

And I also just want to second the point that experiences and symptoms do not belong solely to one diagnosis. This is what's so damaging about these posts that go around being like, 'The uniquely X experience of Y'.

Like, I have depression and have had it most of my life. People with bipolar disorder also experience depression. We have an overlap of symptoms. But our diagnoses are very different. I have never had a manic episode and I never will. That's not better or worse than being overwhelmingly depressed, it's just that there is a very clear difference to the mechanism that gives us some of the same experiences.

See also the way that a lot of the symptoms I see attributed to only autistic people or only people with ADHD are also symptoms you can have from an anxiety disorder or PTSD. And some people have several conditions that can all cause the same or very similar problems. It doesn't help anyone to sort out what's going on with them to say 'only x people experience y'.

That doesn't mean you can't say, 'you might be x if you experience y', you just gotta recognise that there is a harm in saying, 'the uniquely x experience of y'.

Very often it's not unique and you are alienating and hurting people who experience the same thing as you for different reasons.

there's a lot to be said about how the average person indulges in delusions far more than anyone is really comfortable grappling with. every now and again, a poll comes out that reveals some sort of number of people who believe they have magical powers, usually pretty high, and everyone takes turns making fun of it and affirming their own Sanity

this is more observational than scientific, but it really does seem like writing off delusional thinking as the realm of the "insane" creates this valley where the "normal" person's thinking (especially a person who considers themself normal, but that's a whole other kettle of fish) must be more empirical, because, categorically, they are not insane

[finsterhund]

When the inner child just will not budge on something and the only solution is being a miracle worker or temporarily killing him.

That's what I've been struggling with re: last night.

If Sly wasn't a stuffed animal worth four hundred dollars and rarely shows up for sale online all this could be avoided.

Unfortunately it has to be Sly, and he wants it NOW.

Getting some sleep definitely helped but oh my god.

I know a big reason I'm suffering so bad is the heat though. And the fact that Scott is my sole responsibility and he's being very difficult right now. Roommate not cleaning up after his rabbits and Scott making that mess my problem on top of everything has been not helping.

Objectively the Sly head made over the mental breakdown these past two days has been the best result in real fabric at the real size I've made so far. There's problems, it's not perfect, but I am making progress. But of course it's so much work and it's never enough and all that.

Maybe I'm just going mad because I'm waiting for my surgery. Who knows. Being your own parent is impossible when you're me. And then I have to do even more.

I just. Idk how to even describe it.

I feel having my own apartment with working AC and being able to just be alone with my stuff and not worry about money and food would help tremendously. But this isn't something people like me get to have. Those are privileges my generation and my income bracket and my support needs don't have access to. Ever. instead I'm stuck here and I'm boiling and I'm uncomfortable and overwhelmed.

Ultimately I need a Sly who can take a beating. And it needs to be a Sly. It needs to be good. I can't use the official Sly because I will never be able to replace that one.

This would be so much easier if I could have fixated on some cheap ten dollar squishable or some shit.

But no it had to be heritage quality patchwork big enough to hold sensory stimulation artist made teddy bear monster.

And I think. "Is this all because I retired Ope?" (Because Ope is literally falling apart. Need I remind you. That is why I can't use the official Sly)

This isn't just wanting a stuffed animal. This is a severely abused and neglected child taking care of himself all by himself living paycheck to paycheck and the only thing he has for family is a stuffed animal given to him by his grandparents that was loved to tatters and now he's trying desperately to create something to fill that void. While overheating and overwhelmed and overstimulated.

Ultimately I think I've been lying about how good I am since losing Cazza. I think my regressing has gotten worse. I think I'm in denial about being okay. I went from having a service dog to having the most difficult to manage high support needs rescue dog in the world. Scott and me are very similar. I think.

I don't mean to worry you guys. And I'm sorry for not responding to personal messages.

I just think everything has come together to make a perfect concoction of agony of which there is no escape.

And it's so bad these past couple days because I can't go to the lake again until after I heal from my surgery. I can't take any pain meds until after I heal from my surgery (except for the ones they will give me after my surgery which hasn't happened yet) I'm not allowed to take anything like that now. A week until my surgery. It's all just so much.

I'm what happens when you lock a disabled and mentally ill child in a cage and torture him. I'm the chimpanzee who is one missed sedative dose from ripping his owner's face off.

Having to do everything yourself is hard enough.

I am so fucking sick of living in poverty. Literally everything could be alleviated if I had half the things rich boomers had.

It feels like I need a fucking lobotomy.

Manic depression. Why did it have to be manic depression.

And I think is this how my birth father's brain worked? Is this why he beat his family and assaulted his children and threatened government people and brawls with police officers? Is this why HIS father was a violent crazed demon who nobody could go near and the only reason they discovered he was deceased was because the noise stopped and the house started to smell like rot?

Positivity on the internet makes it seem like I should just be s cute little smol bean who cries and can be soothed with a cuddle and a snack but PTSD has made me a writhing inferno of rage and fear and energy too powerful for my body to handle. My fragile psyche is the one thing in the way of unleashing unfathomable hell upon the world. And it's terrifying and what do I even fucking do?

I don't just have to take care of myself. I have to prevent the cycle of violence from continuing. I have to be the last line of defense. I need that legacy to die. I still don't know what in the fuck kind of bullshit I truly inherited from that damned bloodline but the knowledge that I'm part of it weighs on me heavily.

Am I doing enough? Am I good enough?

Having to live with that man has infected me with something that I know I'm not fully rid of yet.

Why oh why did my mother take me away from my grandparents and bring me to him. And it's no wonder she didn't want me when I'm so much like him. She had to raise her abuser's son. It's no wonder she went on to do the things she did.

I wish I knew what to do about any of this.

All I know is I want the perfect Sly where anything bad that happens isn't a big deal, anything can be replaced, I don't have to constantly worry all the time. And he has to be perfect. He has to be everything. He must be everything for me.

I want to turn my brain off. I want to sleep. But I can't.

And everything's too hot.

Does writing this and sharing it even help? Does a call for help do anything? Is this even a call for help or is it just me not being able to beat having only me suffering through this? I don't know.

I just need to remind myself that I'm better than I could be. At least I'm not the worst I could be. That's all I can do. I just wish everything would stop.