#or I switch and the amnesia gets worse

[seasonallydefective]

Something that happened twice now in my life is able bodied people saying they want to help me, that they’ll take care of me in some capacity, coaxing me into situations where I end up reliant on them in some way, and then getting ANGRY and violently trying to get rid of me when it’s clear that my chronic health issues are difficult and not going anywhere.

And this isn’t a thing I’ve ever downplayed. Like many people suffering chronic illness, I have days where I seem pretty functional, and days where I need a mobility device or just plain can’t get out of bed. I also have days where I am putting all my energy into getting things done that Need to Get Done, but at the expense of everything else (I can work, but then I’m not going to have the capacity for conversation or feeding myself later that day). This is my normal. I’m pretty vocal about how much it sucks.

So when able-bodied people tell me that I’m being a downer, that I’m just laying around and doing nothing for my health, that they don’t see me actually trying, that me being honest about how I’m feeling is hard on them and they don’t want to deal with me any more …

It’s all really impacted the way I view myself and the treatment I feel like I deserve. Especially since these weren’t people I had some emotional distance from — this was a long term partner and a friend who called me family.

And just pure proximity to me was enough for them to decide that I’m a burden, my illness is my fault, and I deserve to have nothing because of it.

[wrongbodies]

Fanfic: Heart Stopped, pt. 2

Charlie had no idea what was going on, but after being pulled into the group of popular kids, he tried to catch glimpses of Nick and the mysterious other Charlie he had seen. What's more, he still couldn't get over what he saw in the camera. Was that real? He was desperate to confirm, but didn't want to go too far. What is going on?!

He saw Nick pull the fake Charlie into his car, and drive away. These kids he didn't associate with were all cracking jokes and boasting, but none seemed to care he was staring at the doppelganger drive away. Once the car disappeared from sight, he stood and darted into the school.

He dashed to the nearest bathroom, and crashed through the doorway. His intensity died down immediately, though. He was suddenly aware of how scared he was to confirm his suspicions. He had reasoned that the phone could be hacked or glitched... but the mirror? Could it really be true that he was currently in Harry Greene's body?!

Finally summoning the courage, he looked up. There, under the phosphorescent lights of the bathroom, stood the figure of Harry Greene. Rich douchebag of Truham Grammar School. Charlie felt something lurch in his stomach. Harry's stomach... He felt he was going to be ill, but it passed. Approaching the mirror he felt his face with his fingers. He was fascinated by the texture of his hair. It was shorter, and straighter. His own hair was quite curly. He traced his lips, and tapped his nose. He folded his ears, and stuck his tongue out. This was almost funny, he could make Harry look like a jackass and record this, even!

After a while, Charlie realized that this was not really all that funny. Who knew how this happened? And worse, could it be undone? Although Charlie had often wanted to be someone else when he was bullied, if that had happened he certainly would not have ever chosen Harry fucking Greene of all people. This body was the one that tormented him nearly constantly his whole time at the school. Even after the worst people graduated from last year, when the bullying was at its worst, Harry was still here and still seemingly set on making him miserable.

There was certainly no other face that he'd want to see everyday, every morning he woke up, than this one. He frowned into the mirror.

"Oh Harry, what are we going to do?" He asked, the empty bathroom offering no suggestions.

Meanwhile, across town and at Charlie's house: Nick was growing concerned for Charlie. He had expected the fight to put a toll on Charlie, of course. Yet, what he was witnessing was beyond anything he'd seen before. For starters, Charlie seemed to have amnesia of some kind. From getting into the car to Charlie's house, he was apparently unaware of any details of his life. In fact, he kept asking Nick questions.

"What happened to me?! Where is my body?" Fake-Charlie asked again, breathing quickly.

"Char, I don't know what to tell you. Harry Greene tried to fight you, but then you collapsed and I pushed him away. You didn't get hit, but you still fell down." Nick explained.

"Why do you keep calling me that!?" Fake-Charlie barked.

"What? Char? I thought you liked it, Charlie." Nick said, soothingly. He put a hand on Charlie's arm.

Fake-Charlie yanked his arm away violently and snapped. "I'm not that little gay boy, Nick. I'm Harry, and I don't know why we are here in that fags room."

Nick felt the blood draining from his face. Was this it? Was Charlie cracking? He watched as Charlie stood up and padded over to the mirror on the door.

"What the..." Fake-Charlie spun. "Why is my face... where is my... WHAT IS GOING ON?!"

"Charlie, you are scaring me. Did you hit your head?" Nick asked, trying to calm Charlie down.

"I told you, I AM NOT CHARLIE." Fake-Charlie returned to looking at the mirror. "This can't be happening. We've switched somehow. I gotta find my body."

Nick was trying to understand what Charlie was saying. "Switched? What? Are you going on about?"

Fake-Charlie turned towards Nick again. He seemed to collect himself a bit. "Nick, I know you aren't going to believe me, but I swear this is the actual truth. I'm not Charlie. It's me, Harry."

"What...?" Nick said, feeling he had finally lost the plot.

"Somehow that gay- er, your boyfriend and I switched. He's got my body, and I'm stuck in this weak, scrawny body." Fake-Charlie explained.

Nick just stood there, trying to let what was just said sink in.

The two boys stared at each other for a long time. There wasn't a sound. But behind both their eyes, a thousand thoughts a minute were rushing through their brains.

TBC

[the-indigo-symphony]

Btw the fakeclaimers and exclusionists won't tell you this but it can be a very important step of healing to just. Not care all that much when you get new system members. You don't have to be all gung-ho about it – I myself get a little bothered because I stress about getting newcomers profiles before they switch out to who knows where – but also don't, like, beat yourself up for it. Yeah, your system got someone new. Maybe a lot of someones. It's fine. This isn't a moral failure. You haven't started any apocalypses. And on that note, you don't have to avoid that cool thing you think you might be into because you're worried about getting introjects from it, or whatever. Shit happens, systems grow, and we all march on anyway.

I suspect this sort of attitude comes from the idea (whether subconscious or not) that having sysmates is bad, and thus having more sysmates = even worse. This is not true. You are not a bad person or system just because you got some new members. You are not necessarily "unhealthy" or "sick" just for getting someone new, or because you're a large system (and even if it did mean that, "unhealthy" does not mean "immoral" or "should hate themselves"). Sometimes there can be problems involved with gaining new sysmates! This is true! But what isn't true is the underlying sentiment that being "very" plural is bad, or that a system growing in member count is this horrible, awful thing. Throw out your internalized pluralphobia. I repeat: throw out your internalized pluralphobia. It's completely and totally fine to gain new system members, and it's completely and totally fine to be a large system. This attitude does nothing but reinforce the idea that being plural – or at the very least, having perfectly natural and normal plural experiences – are inherently wrong and must be avoided at all costs (and when they can't be, they must be complained about so everyone knows they're bad; that it's bad to be plural and have plural experiences).

Also, on a related note – these kinds of sentiments can very easily cause those new system members to feel like they're the problem. Please, if you're the type to get frustrated or annoyed when you get new members for whatever reason, let them know it's not their fault. Don't make them feel like a chore or a mistake or anything else negative. Don't leave those thoughts to fester. Don't cause a rift in your system just because you wanted to join in with the common system joke of hating to get new sysmates. Again, you don't have to suddenly stop being frustrated with the problems that increasing in member count may cause, but do not take that frustration out on your new members, and do not make them feel like a problem. Give them some room to figure themselves out, and show them support as they learn and grow into themselves. Have a talk with them, if you can. It's not their fault that their entrance into your system interrupted your tempo. You can find a new balance together.

(And, btw, that bit about causing others to feel like they're a problem also goes for the implications of your words towards large systems. It feels very estranging and uncomfortable to see so many folks complaining about getting new headmates and implying that it would be wrong of them to not do everything in their power to make sure they don't get any new introjects when we're a polyfragmented system who grows at the drop of a hat. I'm sure We're not the only large system who feels this way, either. Your jokes aren't made in a vacuum; other systems can see them.)

I am making an executive decision here to welcome each and every one of my new selves. I am annoyed to all hell and back with our amnesia and executive function problems keeping us from getting caught up on member profiles, but that's not the fault of anyone who moves in, and I'm not going to wallow in anguish over how our system operates and its tendency to throw new selves at us at the drop of a hat. I'm not going to beat myselves up when there's no good reason to. That's just doing my DID's work for it.

Gaining new system members isn't a crime. You can be neutral or even positive about it. Please don't make your new system members feel unwelcome, and please don't let internalized pluralphobia snowball into a pattern of self-hate. It's fine to be a system, it's fine to gain new system members, and it's fine to find these things not just "fine", but an enjoyable and positive part of life.

[rin-and-jade]

What's Going On?! : A Guide on Dissociative Barriers

Too many time blindness, meals missed, work untouched, stuff's disappearing to nowhere, now feeling dehydrated from who knows when--EVERYTHING'S ALL OVER THE PLACE!!

The fact systems struggle with these things everyday.. It's definitely frustrating to keep things consistent, let alone make some progress. But is this forever? Definitely not, or else this post wouldn't even exist.

Let's get to reading or else it's Joever.

Fast Pass: Unavailable - every word is important!

What are Dissociative Barriers?

In simple terms,, it can be explained as mental disconnections from knowledge/skills, memories, or experiences--they are not gone, but barricaded and unable to be accessed due to defensive/protective measures to isolate potential stressors or threat from a person.

This is caused by multiple brain regions being unsynchronized which interrupts the natural process of integrating awareness (either sensory or mentally) and recalling memories. It is not a real 'wall' to be honest, though it is actually closer of a cognitive split.

Not a real.. wall?

Well, yeah, because dissociative barriers are mainly correlated with poor/disrupted communication between the prefrontal cortex which is responsible for control over memory and attention, the amygdala which is responsible for emotional processing and memory formation, and lastly the hippocampus which is important for consolidating and organizing how memories are kept and retrieved. In short, these barriers are caused by limited memory function in the brain instead of something keeping up barricades inside there.

Can the severity change?

Absolutely, and it's a wildcard that can change your system's routine or healing phases for the better or worse. I wouldn't say that dissociative barriers affect all system functions, but it's one of the main reasons--especially a tough one to tackle with, that makes integration/healthy multiplicity/final fusion difficult.

With that being said, there's various factors that influence the tides of your barriers:

Stressors (can be internal, external, or both)

Emotional regulation (better regulation means lower, so is the opposite)

Dissociative and Maladaptive coping mechanisms (being less grounded will breed more barriers)

Mental rigidity or flexibility (being curious and open about your system does lower barriers)

(Un)regulated nervous system (your vagal tone compliments the ability to control fight/flight response, which disrupts many cognitive functions)

Your level of awareness (higher means less affected by potential barriers)

Take notes that sometimes, your barriers will still be holding strong and high even if you have worked on most, if not all these factors above. If this happens, consider working on unfinished pain you have been gripping on to finally relieve the need to wall it up with dissociation, which will generate a significant difference.

Ah ok.. Tell me the difference please!

Alright, ill simplify it as both High and Low severity:

High barriers are associated with;

More distinction - alters have drastic differences in behavior, beliefs, or memory

Shifts in demeanor - which people can often notice while system lack insight about it

Severe amnesia - unexplained gaps in memory oftentimes

A high barrier is where survival is still prioritized over growth or healing, and temporarily blocks them from learning emotional regulation.

Low barriers are associated with;

More similarities - sharing same goals despite maintaining self-agencies and their own preferences

Less shifts in demeanor - systems gain insight and able to control external impression, maintaining a more stable 'singlet persona'

Lower amnesia - due to better communication and cooperation, gaps are not the main issue now

A low barrier is where growth starts and when you're no longer just surviving, but also thriving. It can also be seen by having more fluid switches and less dissociative 'hangovers' .

But, aren't barriers helpful..(?)

I know what you're trying to say, and i agree true it can be helpful--although it is never always going to be beneficial. It may have been the first go-to when you're facing something that you could not process or handle, but over time things will change and the current solution couldn't provide you the same benefits as it should be,, or even, create more issues in the long run.

This can be a tough pill for some people to swallow: dissociative barriers are not there to solve your problems. They're only here to postpone it until you can go back and finish what's not done. If you were to utilize dissociation to function on a daily basis, it could be a sign of avoidance or an outdated coping mechanism until it is replaced with a healthier one.

Added, there's have many reasons why this is a bad thing to maintain--one of them (and most important) is how it keeps everyone separated (which means trauma isn't processed) and comfortable in their own identities (which removes the priority to clear this deep-seated dissonance) . When you're happy that way, it'll mean missing out or being unaware of what's the deeper problem, which often roots back to splitting or forming new alters to tank pre-existing issues, rather than truly solving it--the very thing perpetuating the disorder.

Lastly, i am putting emphasis on how it is derived from coping mechanisms such as compartmentalization and suppression. Lowering dissociative barriers are not just for reprocessing trauma, but to also learn feel safe, and working through the mess without relying on more damaging methods.

How do you tackle this then?

Glad you ask, it won't be a guide without solutions,, i'll explain them in just three simple phases:

Learn how to ground before anything else. This helps you train resilience so dissociation will not hinder you as much than the usual

Document and/or communicate. Jot down anything traumatic that any alters hold, this will serve as your own homework to process thoroughly to prevent relapse or any other negative habits

Finally process them. This ensures the last phase where dissociative barriers are actively tackled, in addition to solving unfinished pain which is hindering your function and daily life

It takes time and skills, so don't rush them,, and do it in your own pace.

Takeaway

Before i even say a closing... yes, im alive,, yes i did enjoy my long break! In fact, it is what inspires me to make this post and an upcoming one at late march/early april--it'll be about fictives.

Also thanks to @ratinacoat for beta reading this guide, who helps ensure the utmost quality and prevent misinformation that's written here <3

--

Your parts are not enemies, the disconnection is. Although dissociative barriers are made to protect a person from overwhelming stress, it doesn't have to define your future too.

What will be your next step to implement this knowledge after reading this post in your healing journey? Let me know if you have any questions regarding this topic in the comments.

- c

[wysecollection]

I've been thinking a lot about 2020 internet (especially tiktok) system "community" and kinda how fucked up it left a lot of people with CDDs, especially those with introjects. I'm not gonna fakeclaim cause I don't fucking care, so please don't make it about that. Whether or not these (mostly children) had CDDs is really none of my business. There was just so much misinformation that was so easy to internalize and then be confused about being "wrong" about.

Thoughts below cause this is long as hell.

Introjects from fiction were a huge target because people on the outside thought it was cool to probe at their "favorite fictional character". And then these people who, whether or not they had CDDs, just fed into it and probably made it worse for themselves thinking they had to be exactly like their source to be a "real" introject. There was so much focus on source memories and acting canon that people didn't learn why introjects exist within the disorder.

Then there were all these labels that I don't really care where they initially came from, but names for whatever different "kinds" of fictives someone had, like what kind of source they had beyond a book or show. In my perception, it just turned into a competition a lot of the time. Who can have the most outlandish source? Who can have the most sources? Who is the most problematic from their source? Who has the most "traumatic" source memories?

There was also the notion that systems could/should always control who fronted and/or know who fronted, and it really messed up the perception of CDDs. I feel like now more than ever, people outside of a system are convinced that a system can get someone specific to front, and people with CDDs feel like they should know all the time, when that isn't the case. Yeah, most alters have specific roles and triggers. Does that mean they'll always front when you'd expect them to? No. It's a complex disorder.

It turned into a game for a lot of people, systems and non-systems alike. It turned into something fun. DID/OSDD and adjacent disorders are not fun. They can be funny, for some people sometimes, but in the end they are disorders. You wouldn't tell someone with Schizophrenia how cool it is that they experience hallucinations, so why do you tell systems how cool it is that they "have people in their head"? Because the perception of DID has been so utterly ruined so that people believe it is just alters. They forget or never learned about the fact that people's identity is fractured in such a way not because it's cool, but because of repeated, inescapable trauma.

Trying to teach people now that CDDs mean you are parts of a whole is such an uphill battle. Trying to convince people that they're not always or usually going to know what their inner world looks like, or be able to go there and remember things from it (since altogether the concept of an inner world is VERY different in reality from what it's portrayed as online) feels impossible. Trying to teach people that different systems have different amnesia barriers and different experiences with switching, and that it a lot of the time isn't "the body is empty and it takes twenty minutes for someone new to switch in" is so difficult, despite non-systems being so invasively curious about switching all the time. Trying to determine how to tell someone you have DID without being immediately associated with all of this misinformation also feels impossible.

The more I think about CDDs how they actually are, the more actually makes sense. All this just blatantly wrong or misconstrued information left a lot of systems thinking they were supposed to have everything about their system figured out, including their inner world and alter roles, and that they had to act/present a specific way to actually be a system. The more I internalize my experiences, the more I realize I'm just like a lot of other pwDID, because I didn't use social media as a primary source of information for a medical disorder.

There is no real closing thought or conclusion to this. No real advice I have. Don't rely on social media for information, don't convince yourself you need to be like anyone else to "actually" have DID.

[wangxianficfinder]

In the mood for...

Apr 19th

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1. Hi, I'm looking for fics where WWX is drunk/high and LZ noncons him @thehappyyellow

the sweetest dream would never do by honeyandviscera (E, 2k, WangXian, Modern AU, Dark LWJ, Somnophilia, Non-Consensual Somnophilia, Body Worship, Breaking and Entering, Drugged Sex, Stalking, Come Eating, Unreliable Narrator, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat)

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2. Hey, hope you guys are well. For itmf, any opwwx! recs? Preferably completed please. Thank you for your time!! @tinyfoxpeach

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3. Helloooo Just came here jajsjs I'm desperate, lately I was thinking about some caveman! Or prehistoric ice age wangxian but I could not find something like that :( any rec? (Tysm for this page)

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4. more fics like lwj's big dick agenda? or just fics lwj being possessive. thanksss!

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5. Love your blog!!!!thank you for the hardwork!

Would love some disabled/chronic health issues wei wuxian pretty please 💖💖

🔒 the thread may stretch or tangle but it will never break by RoseThorne (E, 91k, WIP, WangXian, Canon Divergence, Soulmates, Self-Esteem Issues, Fix-It, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Nightmares, PTSD, Handfasting, Panic Attacks, Getting Together, First Time, Aftercare, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, /Referenced Torture, Scars, Chronic Pain, Golden Core Reveal, First Time, Switching, sex-related injury, LWJ Stays at the Burial Mounds, LSZ is a Wèi, Good Sibling JC, Dissociation, Burial Mounds Settlement Days, Disability, Scheming NHS, Disabled Character)

🔒 a star called sun by thelastdboy (E, 120k, wangxian, SL/XXC, JC & JYL & WWX, JYL & LWJ, WWX & WN & WQ, JYL/JZX, Canon Divergence after Xuanwu Cave, Fall of Lotus Pier, But worse!, Power Imbalance, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, Not Everyone Dies AU, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Canon-Typical Violence, Sunshot Campaign, Miscommunication, Heavy Angst with a Happy Ending, Slow Burn, Major Character Injury, Loss of Limbs, Chronic Illness, Seizures, WWX’s Three Months in the Burial Mounds, Wēn Remnants Live, Wēn Remnants Deserve Better, WWX Creates a Sect | Yílíng Wèi Sect, Additional Warnings In Author’s Note, Hurt/Comfort, Selectively Mute LWJ, Service Animals, Crows)

The Darkness Before Dawn by PsycheStellata707 (M, 113k, wangxian, Angst with a Happy Ending, Time Travel Fix-It, Canon Divergence, BAMF WWX, Attempt at Humor, PTSD, Oblivious WWX, WWX-centric, Blind WWX, Sentient Burial Mounds, Everyone Lives AU, Except Those Who Deserves to Die, Oblivious Pining, Not Canon Compliant, WIP)

🧡 the river brought you here by chilianxianzi (Not Rated, 11k, WangXian, Canon Divergence, POV Outsider, Amnesia, Past abuse, Strangulation, Found Family)

please don’t let me be misunderstood by sysrae (T, 3k, WangXian, Modern AU, College/University, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, getting hit by cars, Past Child Abuse)

some foolish thing I've done by sysrae (M, 4k, wangxian, Modern, College/University, partial hearing loss, Past Child Abuse, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, the real OTP is everyone x therapy)

🔒 how to make your dad fall in love with your high school teacher in five steps; the complete and bulletproof guide by ravenditefairylights (T, 90k, wangxian, modern, coffee shop au, nonbinary LSZ, hurt/comfort, trauma, past abuse, past domestic violence, healing, hurt WWX, found family, hospitalization, therapy, single parent WWX, pining, teacher LWJ, unreliable narrator, chronic pain, queer platonic relationship, genderfluid WWX, autistic LWJ, fluff & angst)

🔒 some things go forward by everythingispoetry (T, 73k, WangXian, Modern AU, Hospitals, Teenage Drama, Slow Burn, Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Happy Ending)

Cure by Yukirin_Snow (M, 100k, WangXian, XiCheng, XuanLi, Modern AU, Hurt/Comfort, Sick Character, Cancer, Medical Procedures, Medical Jargon, Romance, Eventual Smut, Fluff and Angst, Love at First Sight, possible trigger warnings) Wwx has cancer, happy ending. It's a really good fic. I love it.

Rest is Resolution series by MarbleGlove (T, 32k, JC & WWX, JYL/JZX, JZX & JGS, LQR & LWJ, wangxian, Fix-It, Post-Sunshot Campaign, this might be crack, Niè Cultivation, BAMF NHS, BAMF JYL, Canon Divergence, Madam Lan Backstory, Getting Together), but especially the first one, Elder, an Aesthetic It's WWX without his golden core leaning into needing assistance

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6. Hiii! For the next itmf, I’m wondering if anyone has read fics inspired on creative reality shows? I’d love to read about wangxian having to team up for something like baking impossible or blown away. I hope y’all are having a great day, thanks!

❤️ Knight Hunt! Phoenix Mountain by travelingneuritis (E, 51k, wangxian, modern, dating show, Modern Cultivation, but in the silliest way possible, Reality TV, the juniors are interns, Smut, Illustrations, low-stakes pining)

Wangxian Strictly AU Series by Selenay (E, 135k, WangXian, Modern: No Powers, Dance, Strictly Come Dancing Fusion, Ballroom Dancing, Dancer!WWX, Violinist LWJ, Pining While Dancing, Oblivious WWX, Gratuitous Costume Descriptions, Gratuitous dancing descriptions, Slow Burn, Ballroom dancing, Established Relationship, Romantic Fluff, [Podfic] Falling to the Rhythm by semperfiona_podfic (semperfiona))

Previously, on LEGO Masters by trippednfell (M, 55k, wangxian, Reality TV Show Contestants/Judges, Modern, Mutual Pining, Forced to compete together, strangers to reality show contestants to lovers, there's only one bed, Platonic Cuddling, Autistic LWJ, WWX Has ADHD, Grief/Mourning, Wangxian miss their moms, so much pining, More Pining than LEGO in this LEGO fic, Additional Warnings In Author's Note, POV Alternating, Lego Masters AU, Not YZY friendly, Dysfunctional Jiang family dynamics)

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7. Do you by any chance know if there's any fic about the kid playing hanguang-jun role and the kid playing to be the yiling patriarch of that bunch of kids playing to be cultivators? As they have no names idk where to start looking. I'm in the mood for something wholesome 😌 Thanks in advance!

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8. Itm A) miscarriage fics where it causes problems in wx marriage.

B) girl dad wwx

C) cat dad wwx

Please find all of them in >20k or atleast 10 k. Please. Thankyou.

Rise of the Divine Oracle by BlakSalt (T, 291k, WangXian, Boy Love, Hurt/Comfort, Romance)

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9. hi! :3 itmf junior-central fics :) can be any combination of the quartet. ship fics are fine but no sizhui/jin ling pls bc they are cousins in my heart. thanks!! @monstergreentea

🔒 blue flies buzzing by RoseThorne (T, 2k, JL & LJY & OYZZ & LSZ, JC & WWX, wangxian, LSZ & WWX, LSZ & LWJ, LSZ & LXC, Gossip, Rumors, Mentioned Wen Remnants, Sect Leader Yao Bashing, JC & WWX Reconciliation, NHS is a Little Shit, POV LJY, POV Third Person, Threats, Justice, Cultivation Discussion Conferences, LWJ is LSZ’s Parent, LJY Being LJY, Podfic Welcome)

🔒 hills and rivers are waiting by LtLJ (T, 15k, wangxian, Post-Canon, Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Domestic Fluff, Family Feels, Canon-Typical Violence, the family that hunts demons together stays together, and doesn't murder each other, Case Fic, BAMF WWX, Mojo's post)

💖A Dramatic Reading by pupeez4eva (Not rated, 5k, wangxian, post-canon, humor, public confessions, curses, getting together)

❤️ Tragedy is Not the End by Hobbsy3 (T, 358k, wangxian, Time Travel, Torture, Hurt/Comfort, Golden Core Reveal, Canon Divergence from Qiongqi Pass, Angst with a Happy Ending, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Yunmeng sibling bonding, good dad wwx, good dad lwj, JZX Lives, JYL Lives, Junior Quartet Dynamics)

Would You Come Home? by s6115 (Not rated, 46k, WangXian, Junior Quartet Centric, Time Travel Fix-It, Canon Divergence, Junior Quartet Dynamics) Might work, though it's a little more Sizhui centric, but it's a very lovely showing of their dynamic in a low stakes setting

❤️ grow by cafecliche (T, 14k, WangXian, Age Regression/De-Aging, Character Study, Post-Canon) link in #12

You Bring the Colour by fuddy_duddy (rainier_day) (G, 12k, wangxian, art school, art restoration)

🔒 Yearning by Sanguis (T, 9k, WangXian, LingYi, Modern AU, Professors, Established Relationship, Married Couple, Bunnies, Pre-Relationship Secrets)

climbing up that coastal shelf by Sour_Idealist (T, 15k, JC & JL & WWX, JC & JL, JC & WWX, JL & LSZ, JL & WWX, Post-Canon, Mutually Unrequited Forgiveness, JC & WWX Reconciliation, Family History, Generational Trauma, Discussion of Canonical Abuse, Awkward Attempts at Communication, mentions of past JC/WQ, Fairy is a good dog)

history by tongzhi (T, 16k, LSZ & WN, JC & LSZ, LSZ & WWX, LSZ & LWJ, LSZ & Wen Remnants, LSZ & Juniors, LSZ & MM, Post-Canon, Angst, Grief/Mourning, Hopeful Ending, LSZ gets angry, LSZ and JL refuse to take their family's trauma forward, jiujiu is the best, Character Study, MM abolitionist queen)

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10. itmf any pregxian fics! thank you for your hard work admins :)

Reluctant partner by sacrificial_fawn (G, 31k, wangxian, LXC/JGY, Modern, Mpreg, Family Reunions, bonding over your shared trauma, Reluctant Bonding, Married Life, Supportive LQR, Past Miscarriage, LXC's excessive use of kaomojis, Male Lactation, non-graphic birth, LQR tries to be a good uncle but he doesn’t know how to, Intersex WWX, JGY can hold the baby as a treat, LWJ can have words and verbs as a treat, Slight OOC) very sweet imo, it has a bit of Meng Yao and Wei Wuxian friendship, it's also a teene tiny bit sad

All I Want by Selenay (E, 47k, wangxian, Modern, Mpreg, Post Holiday Romance, Consequences, Reunions, Idiots in Love, wangxian attempt to be sensible adults about it, they are very bad at it, Teacher WWX, Rating earned in later chapters, Handwavey Biology)

Until The End by abCEE (M, 365k, wangxian, canon divergence, communication, established relationship, sunshot campaign, mpreg, canon typical violence, WWX has new golden core, canonical character death, happy ending, fix-it of sorts) He's not pregnant for a large portion of the fic, but it's not an insignificant amount of time.

Impermanence, Transience, Permanence by Best Bepsy (BepsyGray) (E, 39k, wangxian, canon divergence, unplanned pregnancy, mpreg, gore, sunshot campaign, assumed miscarriage, medical procedures, childbirth, golden core reveal) I'd be surprised if you haven't already read this one, but it's one of the few ones of the genre that I like.

~*~

11. Hi!! For itmf, is there any fic where Lan zhan and wei ying personality swapped? It only temporary but the chaos cannot be contained @chibiizzy

~*~

12. hey admins, any fic recs on wei ying getting injured or sick and lan zhan takes care of him or just anyone who gets very worried about him?? thanks <3

🔒🧡 rain falls and soaks into the earth series by RoseThorne (T, 57k, WangXian, WIP, Near Death Experience, Attempt Drowning, Madam Yu Bashing, Recovery, No war AU)

Rotten Work by ShanaStoryteller (Not rated, 63k, wangxian, JL & WWX, post-canon, Protective WWX, Protective JL, POV JL, JC & WWX Reconciliation, eventually, Reluctant Matchmaker JL, this kid is doing his best, Pre-JL/LJY if you squint)

How to Treat Your Injured Yiling Laozu by merakily (T, 3k, wangxian, Chronic Pain, Whump, Love Confessions, Literal Sleeping Together, Burial Mounds, Golden Core Reveal, LWJ has a lot of feelings about WWX being in pain, Hurt WWX)

hunters seeking solid ground by Attila (E, 23k, wangxian, Canon Compliant, discussion of canon character death, Hurt/Comfort, Nightmares, bed sharing, Getting Together, Yearning, Literal Sleeping Together, Really Excessive Amounts of Hurt/Comfort)

something left to save by androids_fighting93 (E, 57k, wangxian, Canon Divergence, No Bloodbath of Nightless City, JYL Lives, Not Everyone Dies AU, Hurt/Comfort, single dad wwx, Sick Character, Golden Core Reveal, the lightest d/s dynamic if you squint, handjobs, Anal Sex, Canon-Typical Dynamics)

Heart of hearts series by apathyinreverie (M, 40k, wangxian, WIP, Dark LWJ-ish, Not Cultivation World Friendly, Amnesia, WWX gets to be Not Okay after the BM, Recovery, Possessive LWJ, Possessive WWX, Protective LWJ, not nearly as dark as the tags make it sound, Golden Core Reveal, Hurt WWX, Caring, WWX Goes to Gusu, ridiculously self-indulgent, Canon Divergence, Amnesia, some definite manipulation, but not everything is as it seems, Golden Core Transfer Fix-It, Domestic WangXian, Fluff, WWX happily atticwifing away, Sunshot Campaign, BAMF WWX, BAMF LWJ)

❤️ grow by cafecliche (T, 14k, WangXian, Age Regression/De-Aging, Character Study, Post-Canon)

What's Wrong With Him? by GrapefruitSketches (G, 2k, JYL & WWX, JYL & LWJ, JC & WWX & JYL, wangxian, Hurt/Comfort, Hurt WWX, Pining LWJ, POV JYL, Canon Compliant, Oblivious WWX, Unconscious WWX, Concerned JYL, JYL Knows Everything)

let the yoke fall from our shoulders by occultings (microcomets) (G, LSZ & LWJ, LSZ & WWX, wangxian, LWJ & LSZ & WWX, Hurt/Comfort, Light Angst, Character Study, Mentions of Canonical Character Death, Grief/Mourning, Gusu Lan Juniors Dynamics, let capricorns cathart agenda, Happy Ending, Family Feels, Established Relationship)

~*~

13. Itmf serious fics. Where wwx has personality like he has in 12 moons n a fortnight, he's so mature there uk. Ik that fic has funny and crack moments too, but it's mostly feels and serenity there, more fics where wwx is like that please?

~*~

14. Hello. Thank you for all the hardwork.

For the next itmf I'm looking for fics whe WWX is not the only one to be resurrected.

Or where he is resurrected in other people bodies (I have seen the fic comp here ).

Thank you once again @anime-trash-parody

~*~

15. itmf,,, a fic where wwx atracts the supernatural, the divine, the eerie,, like he has a connection with the burial mounds or the dead in general, they like him, they are atracted to him; spirits and deities like huli jins or like the fliwer maiden are also atracted to him or interact with him,,, does what im saying even make sense?

Ad Oblivione by Baph, HikariNoHimeWriter (M, 70k, WangXian, Time Travel Fix-It, Temporary Character Death, Canon-Typical Violence, POV Multiple, Hurt/Comfort, Grief/Mourning, Identity Reveal, Golden Core Reveal, Cultivation World Critical, Not JC Friendly, Abusive YZY, Angst with a Happy Ending)

~*~

16. itmf any fics where they actually end up meeting baoshan sanren when going to or while doing the core transfer

Can't Tell Me Nothin by natacup82 (T, 35k, wangxian, Canon Divergence, Everybody Lives, Family Feels, Communication, BAMF Women) They don’t meet during the transfer so it might not quite be what u have in mind but she does do something about it.

~*~

17. Would love some genius modern wei wuxian extra if the juniors are involved thank you 💖💖💖💖💖

💖 One Can Keep A Secret (If He Does Not Know It’s There)by H_Belle (T, 5k, wangxian, NHS & WWX, modern w/ cultivation, inventor WWX, secret identity, identity reveal, YLLZ WWX, rogue cultivator WWX, pining LWJ, WWX pov)

living in my memory/living in my mouth by tardigradeschool (T, 32k, wangxian, modern w/ magic, reincarnation, college/university au, hurt/comfort, sharing a bed, light angst, nightmares, epistolary, pining, friends to lovers)

🔒 care by everbrighter (T, 35k, LSZ & WWX, wangxian, modern w/ magic, resurrection, family bonding, getting to know each other, past character death, pining)

🔒 The Second Jade of Lan's late but incendiary sexual awakening by KizuKatana (E, 41k, wangxian, First Time, LWJ's Horny Grip,LWJ does not know what hit him, and yet somehow he still realizes it before WWX, canon wangxian dynamics, college AU, LWJ starts off annoyed at WWXBut quickly discovers both his competency kink and a caretaking kink, Genius WWX)

i really want to know (who are you) by Stratisphyre (M, 19k, wangxian, LQR & WWX, Modern with Magic, Golden Core Reveal, Single Dad WWX, Reasonable Authority Figure LQR, Allusions to violence and murder, Hospitalization)

~*~

If you didn’t get an answer to your ask here, don’t forget to make use of @mdzs-kinkmeme and MDZS KINK MEME on Dreamwidth. Authors actually do use them for ideas. You may get what you order!***Your prompt doesn’t have to be kink! Fluff, crack, whatever - it’s all good!***

[googleitlol]

If Dove's store went into the Lmk universe/storyline, how whould dove react to Mk? And Wukong being put into another circlet??

I'm sorry for how off the rails this ask is going to get, I'm including a lot of other stuff besides your questions cuz I've already thought about this a lot.

@marcu-bug and I have brought it up to each other before, and in LMK… Dove is reincarnated. Will I explain why?

…Not yet :D

For this, Dove is sort of like a maternal figure to MK (He's got so many dads, why not add a mom friend?). I have a oneshot planned where I'll go more into her character, but I imagine in the lmk universe, she’d be a paramedic that usually stops by Pigsy’s for lunch. Dinner too if she’s had a long day. Which is most days.

She definitely gets a lot of those ‘worried-parent’ feelings around MK and Mei, with how often they go jumping at the chance to do dumb shit. She’s seen a lot of things, but dear lord do those to take the cake for number of calls she’s had to respond to. Actually, that’s probably how she first discovered the noodle shop, responding to a call Pigsy made when Mei took MK for a ride on her motorcycle and they crashed. I imagine like an old bartender, Pigsy would listen to her rants about her shift with Tang enjoying a bowl next to her. Being a paramedic is tough, having her gift is helpful but sometimes Dove is running into hostile situations on the job. Sometimes she sees something that shakes her, but Pigsy and Tang are there to listen at the end of the day. It also helped her to unwind by hearing Tang tell MK all about the Journey to the West and the Monkey King. It'd be a lie to say she wasn't a little intrigued by his stories, just a bit.

She joins the monkie gang when the pilot begins and helps out when she can, and funnily enough, Red Son gets pretty uncomfortable around her. Not that she gets to join her friends too often, and for a very specific reason. Sun Wukong. At first, Dove thinks he's a generally cold guy, he's always on his mountain, doesn't socialize much, and he's pretty standoff-ish around her. But after seeing how he is with MK, she quickly realizes that isn't the case.

Okay, he's just an ass, then. A confusing one, at that.

It seems like Monkey King will do whatever it takes to avoid her, but at the same time, he pushes himself into her life in the most frustrating ways imaginable. Nearly anytime she's invited to do anything fun with her friends or go on any sort of adventure, she gets a call from her building manager that something is leaking in her apartment, or a strange call from her boss asking if she can do another shift last-minute, only for them to be none the wiser about ever asking her to do that. Dove didn't realize who was behind these strange happenings, but when she figured it out, boy was she pissed.

It's not uncommon to see Dove and Wukong arguing, much to MK's dismay. She just doesn't get why he's decided to hate her, he doesn't even know her! One time, he asked her to help a monkey of Flower Fruit Mountain that needed medical help, but when she got there, he left her stranded on the mountain while he went on vacation! Dove couldn't see the mainland for days until MK and Tang visited the mountain for a separate reason about some giant dumpling. It doesn't get much better when the team has to go looking for the Samadhi rings. If anything, it gets worse. Monkey King is so aggravated to even have Dove with them, she'd half-expect that he wanted her left to be frozen in the city with Lady Bone Demon! He doesn't want her anywhere near the ritual where they form the fire. The unfriendly behaviour doesn't stop until, well, Amnesia Rules…

When Monkey King loses his memory and gives her this look of shock, the last thing she expects is for him to scoop her into his arms with the tightest hug she's ever experienced. A flip switched in his attitude towards her, and it's made all the more confusing after he explains that Pigsy is Zhu Bajie and Tang is Tang Sanzang

"Who do you think I am, then?"

"You're my one and only, Love-Dove!"

She's not sure what's worse, that god-awful nickname or the fact that he thinks he's in love with her! Although, as the day goes by… she can't say she's unopposed to seeing this much friendlier side of him. Even if she only got to see it for a little while.

It likely wouldn't be until Wukong is about to face LBD that he finally admits to her why he was so upset about her being there, how she was the reincarnation of his one and only love. A love he lost, in a way that he could only blame himself. He couldn't bear the thought of putting her near harm's way again, not when their mission revolved around a power that was responsible for her past life's death (I might go into it in another ask/post, this is getting long)

After learning all of what they'd gone through in her past life, Dove is… apprehensive, to say the least. Some of his actions from the past, they make sense to her now, but it doesn't make her forgive him completely. Still, she remembers how Sun Wukong was when he had lost his memory… she would like to see that side of him more.

It takes them time to get past their rocky start (these two can never just start off liking each other smh), but in time, Dove starts to see more of that side she'd seen during Amnesia Rules. And she starts to fall for him all over again. He tells her about her past life, their time together on the journey, all of it. He admits how he robbed her of immortality… and how she tricked him into wearing the circlet. Their ups and their downs, he tells her everything. By the time season 5 rolls around, they're happy together. He's even offered her an immortal peach from the tree he's grown on FFM, so that he can finally make up for the mistake he made all those years ago.

Then… Li Jing puts the circlet on Wukong, again.

The moment Dove finds out, she's furious. How could they hurt him like that again?! Wukong tries to put her mind at ease, but it takes a lot to calm her down. "It's fine, Dove… I was honestly pretty disappointed. He put it on and just left, at least you were creative about it back in the day." That night, in the back of Sandy's van, Dove is littering his head in kisses, she can hardly imagine how painful it must feel. You best believe the moment they see Li Jing chasing them, she's aiming whatever she can find straight for his head. If he thinks he can induce some magic migraine on her man like that, she'll find a way to pay back the favour, tenfold. Nobody touches her Sun Wukong but her.

[steddieunderdogfics]

cyclical by cuips_not_cute

@cuips-not-cute

Rating: Explicit

111,111 words, 11/11 chapters

Archive Warning: Graphic Depictions of Violence

Tags: Time Loop, Time Travel, Alternate Universe - Groundhog Day (1993) Fusion, Time Travel Fix-It, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Eventual Smut, Hurt/Comfort, Canon-Typical Violence, Eddie Munson Lives, eventually, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Gay Eddie Munson, Bisexual Steve Harrington, Homoerotic Wound Care, Smoking, Shotgunning, Eddie Munson Has a Crush on Steve Harrington, Steve Harrington Has a Crush on Eddie Munson, they will figure it out, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, Temporary Character Death, Supernatural Elements, Slow Burn, Making Out, Kissing, First Kiss, Virgin Eddie Munson, he's my sweet little loser boy in this one, First Time, Grinding, Hand Jobs, Blow Jobs, First Time Blow Jobs, Bottom Eddie Munson, Top Steve Harrington, Top Eddie Munson, Bottom Steve Harrington, they're switches bitches, Eddie Munson is a Sweetheart, Inexperienced Eddie Munson, Anal Sex, Anal Fingering, put these boys in situations, and by situations i mean extreme trauma, Amnesia, in the sense that only steve remembers the loops at first, Trauma, eddie munson is full of Lust, Mutual Pining, Falling In Love, Rimming

Summary:

There’s a bottle on his neck and a boy pressed against him. Steve should be terrified. He’s shoved higher up the wall he’s pinned to, the boy’s eyes wild beneath his tangled mess of hair, his breath all rasp and spit and fear. The bottle presses closer, harder, almost enough to break skin. Steve knows it won’t, though, because this isn’t the first time he’s been here. Or, Steve keeps finding himself back in the boathouse where everything started, wrapped up in the arms of a boy who can’t stop dying. Saving him means ending his torment, and it also means falling in love.

Thanks for the rec! This recommendation is apart of our Writer's Wednesday! All of the recs today are written by @cuips-not-cute. Want to nominate an author? Fill out this form!

You can submit fic recs to our asks or the submission box!

[syunkissisfaking]

This person is faking D.I.D, and more. and its time we actually talk about it. ( As someone with DIAGNOSED D.I.D. )

CW ; faking disorders, lying, swearing, antiship debates, harassment, mentions of serial killers (as example), mentions of abuse and trauma (unspecified),

DISCLAIMER ; I am aware this will cause a lot of attention if seen by a lot of people in the D.I.D community. a lot of fakers tend to have similar "aspects" to syunkiss, so I expect hate. as well as a lot of syunkiss fans who will run to their defence (for some reason) this is to spread awareness. This entire post is based on SCIENTIFIC FACTS and my OWN EVIDENCE. i am medically diagnosed and have been for 7 years now.

OTHER BLOGS OF NOTE ; @/idonoiyo @/duckduckgoose-exe @/rab1darachn1d (also faking)

syunkiss is a popular blog, being seen in many areas of the bungou stray dogs fandom. and for some reason, barely anybody seems to actually acknowledge the fact they've been faking D.I.D, or OSDD. whatever they "claim" to have. this is proof of them and their lies.

i don't know how this hasn't been brought up before. it is so obvious that they are faking it and yet everybody seems to nod and agree. the same goes for their circle of friends, by seeing how they have acted for a while. they would be faking too.

I am speaking as an actual system. I have a right to speak about this subject. it is bad for our community and it leaves a bad impression. they do not know the struggles we have to face. let's get into it.

AMNESIA

something common among people with types of D.I.D (using it as an umbrella label) is huge amounts of amnesia. most people are not aware that they may be switching or even know who they are.

it is almost physically impossible that you would know to sign off with a emoji every time you have switched alters. much less switch entire blogs, or even know who is speaking.

your alters are not you, some of them would not even remember you had a tumblr account to stay active on. let alone to add an emoji or any types of sign off in general. a lot of the time me and my alters dont even know where we are, let alone able to go on tumblr and answer asks constantly.

an example of this (not to villanise the concept of people with D.I.D) is that many serial killers have some type of D.I.D, some of them are not aware of the people they might have killed at all. because they have amnesia. this is how it works.

USERBOX

I had managed to save the userbox before they had deleted it.

this is just... what? that is now how fictives or any types of alter are formed. fictives/introjects/factives are valid, we have one in our system. however this is not how they are formed at all. D.I.D is caused by trauma, it is not something that can cause you to split into another alter by daydreaming.

D.I.D is developed (begins developing) at a very young age as a result of intense amounts of trauma, both physical and mental. (it is not from something as small as your parents grounding you or hitting you once. it has to be intense amounts of trauma.) and signs only typically show when you are in adulthood.

there is cases of it showing in younger people, but the trauma is usually extremely worse, and the chance of this happening is very low. there would have to be life threatening levels of abuse at the ages of 5 to 10. and still the youngest it can be confirmed is at 17. this is a scientific fact.

this userbox shows ignorance. if you are going to fake a disorder, do some research at least. or talk to people who actually have the disorder. it was so confidently said im in shock nobody picked up on it.

FICTIVES

this one is going to get me a lot of hate. I know that. however it has to be said.

they claim to be a fictive heavy system, but the chances of fictives being present in systems at all is a very unlikely chance. they usually form after some connection with trauma towards that franchise, related or indirectly related.

having so many fictives from bungou stray dogs is extremely unlikely. it is difficult to house 3 normal alters in one body, but this person is claiming to have so many and all of them are from bungou stray dogs somehow. this is a very obvious sign they are lying. this does not happen. it is even more unlikely they will have every single period of a single character as fictives too.

if they just wanted to roleplay they can. but faking D.I.D for this is damaging to my community.

I am mentioning littles here so I do not have to make a new category for it. it typically develop from dissociation caused by prolonged early childhood trauma. having a fictive who also happens to be a little is so unlikely. if it is age regression, then okay. but syunkiss described it as a little alter.

HEADSPACES

this is a little difficult to explain. but I will do my best.

headspaces do not exist. there is something similar, but that is just your subconscious. you cannot have your alters interact in your headspace like it is a minecraft world.

switching alters works like a timeskip, this is because of the memory gaps and amnesia. this is not fully targeted at syunkiss, but mostly at their friends.

you cannot see what is happening in the "headspace", that is just not possible. switching alters is like sleeping in minecraft, you just wake up whenever you switch back with no memory of what happened between the dates.

HARASSMENT

this is a short section, but it needs to be addressed. syunkiss claims to not go out and harass proshippers or people he disagrees with, and he just "blocks them"

that is their pinned post. that is what it says about them being an anti.

that is them going out of their way to harass somebody else in their inbox.

no, syunkiss it wasn't them who even sent the asks. it was one of my friends who also encouraged me to speak up and make this post. you are contradicting yourself.

I am not a proshipper, I am quite anti. but that does not make it okay.

tdlr ; syunkiss is lying about D.I.D, not even doing research before doing it and he is going against his own word and harassing people.

thank you for reading. my askbox is open if anyone wants any extra questions. i may add to this in the future if more shows up.

[certainlythewolverine]

Things people can't seem to get through their damned heads.

Since Jackie did this, I might as well too.

Persecutors are "evil alters". No. They are not. Just because they're a persecutor doesn't mean they're evil, and shouldn't be treated as such, as it will make it worse. And in our experience, typically it is a trauma response, not actually having genuine hate for us.

All alters with like you if you're friends/dating one/some. No! Especially in a bigger system such as ourselves, not every alter will like you, maybe they'll tolerate you for the sake of the others, but you are not entitled to every alter in a system, especially if they have specifically said they don't like you, or do not want to engage with you.

Alters are different people stuck in the same body. No, every alter is part of one person, split into different pieces. Like it or not, at the end of the day, alters are not different people, yes, they can have different personalities, but that doesn't mean they're different people. This is why systems should hold responsibility for what their alters do/say.

Endos are valid. No, they are not. Plurality is proven to be a response to severe trauma, and cannot be caused any other way. You may not remember some/most of this trauma, and this does not invalidate your experience, and does not make you an endo. Endos, get help please, if you want to be a system there's likely something wrong with you. And while I do believe some 'endos' are systems who've been groomed/are in denial, most 'endos' are invalid, and need therapy.

Having a clear head when switching invalidates you. No, it does not. Everyone is different, and sometimes it depends on the day, typically we have a severe amount of amnesia when switching, but some days we don't have any amnesia at all.

Having an alter from a bad source is problematic. No, it is not. You cannot control when an alter forms, or where they are sourced from. Sometimes an alter can be from a piece of media you don't watch/read/etc.

Having an alter of an object/place can't happen. Wrong. As I said previously, you can't control the source of an alter, or when they form. We have a Texas alter, and we've never been there, it just appeared.

Self-diagnosing is invalid. No. Self diagnosis is very valid, because many people cannot afford an actual diagnosis, or cannot get a diagnosis for their own safety. This doesn't even have to be about plurality, for example, if you're diagnosed with autism you cannot move to some places in the world, and sometimes you're not allowed to adopt a child if you have it.

Have a good day y'all, and remember, I'm open for questions (I need questions I'm so bored.)

[empressgeekt]

Trolls - Accidental Knight and the Time Travel Bodyswap

okay I'm on moble. So apologies in advance.

I recently found a fic on Ao3 about brozone swapping bodies with their younger-selves (specifically during the split up fight) with what I'm guessing is their post TBT selves. I link it when I have the time.

Here's my taken on this awesome concept. In the Field of Forgetmenots AU! Highly recommend looking at the posts for this au before reading on ward. You have been warned.

The plot starts with Floyd's POV. He's in the background of his brothers fighting after Branch's first show. Part of him wants to intervene but at this point he knows it will do nothing. He sees little Bitty standing off the side looking terrified, as he walks over to comfort the young trolling, his vision twists and blacks out. He comes too with a dirt ceiling overhead, with a numb body. He thinks he's been drugged by a crazed fan then kidnapped, and tries to get off the bed he's on only to fall to the floor when his limbs begin to burn with pain. He's found by a green trolling with blue hair and eyes, and he struggles on floor finally seeing the paleness of his limbs and paralyses he feels. A scarred dulled troll comes in. It takes a moment of his fussing for Floyd to realize that he's staring at his grown up baby brother. His grown up baby brother who lifts him with ease and sets him on the bed while checking over his body.

Branch was worried when Keith came running in saying that Floyd fell. The Knight had taken in his older brother (plus Clay) to help Floyd recover from the damage the diamond bottle did to him. Its been a few months and sadly Floyd is still weak and adjusting to the after effects. He can't walk, unable to keep himself warm, and has flare ups when his body re-crystalizes, that for all they know could be fatal. Not to mention, all the psychological damage the kidnapping did, and Floyd insisting that he's fine when he's really not. Needless to say, when Keith comes to tell Branch that Floyd is on the floor panicking, he reacts with urgency. The knight drops what he's doing (making breakfast), and rushes to tend to his brother he runs through all the checks, Flare up? Nope. Nightmare? Doesn't seem like it. He doesn't feel any injuries. However, Branch is extremely concerned when Floyd starts talking like he's confused about the date and how big Branch got. He makes a plan to take Floyd to the hospital to get checked out.

Let's switch gears over to Clay. He's first in heated fight with John and Spruce when his world becomes fuzzy and suddenly he's waking up with his face on top of a work desk. He jerks up, finding himself in an office. A boring office. A troll walks in, calls him "Mr. Clay" says their his assistant and ask if he's okay before telling him about Branch taking Floyd to to hospital so he might need to pick up Keith from school that day, then they leave. Clay is left with many many questions, but it's okay on top of sad books he's read many mystery novels he's fully prepared to handle this. If this was his office it had to have a calendar. He is not pleased to find the date is over twenty years passed what it was a few minutes ago. Then everything that the assistant mentioned settled. Floyd was in the hospital?! Branch had to take him? Branch could take him? And who the heck was Keith?! Why was Clay picking him up from school?! During this spiral, Who of all trolls walks in but Princess Viva (or Captain Viva as he would later learn she was called). Clay asks why she's here, and he learns that Viva heard about Floyd and thought to check in on her Boyfriend. That was not the answer Clay was expecting.

Flipping back to Floyd. Hospitals already freak him out, and now he apparently had a chronic condition, that doctors still weren't sure how it works. Even worse he can see how worried Branch is over this. As such he just doesn't mention the Time travel/amnesia thing going on. Last thing he needs is to stress it baby brother out, especially since it's obvious that Branch had been taking care of Floyd since the diagnoses that he can't remember. On top of taking care of a kid no doubt. Even if Floyd isn't sure how Keith is related to them (He doesn't call Branch dad or Floyd uncle, and doing the math it would mean that Branch would have to have had Keith while he was a teenager), it's clear that Branch is raising that kid. Branch's girlfriend (doesn't that just bring many colorful images to mind) meets them at the hospital. She takes over, calming Branch down easily, and talking to the doctors, who much too everyone's relief nothing physical has changed since Floyd's last appointment. Branch has to leave for work after that, but Poppy takes Floyd back to the hideout he suddenly lives in.

Clay is left reeling, through out the day he's trying to learn all about this modern day. He'd completely forgotten about needing to collect a trolling from the school until his assistant mentions it. He runs out of the admin building looking for the school. It took a nearly twenty minutes to figure out where the school was, and by the time he arrived the teachers were getting ready to look for either him or Branch. He apologize profusely, but thankfully the head teacher assumes his questionable behavior was due to Floyd being hospitalized. Then Clay is saddled with Keith, a little Green and blue trolling that the teacher calls his brother. Clay doesn't really know where Keith came from (he thought his parents were dead), but doesn't question it out loud. He's been a big brother before he can totally take this kid home...if he knew where his new home was. No one was living with grandma now, clearly. Thankfully, Keith knows the way. Clay tries to make conversation, but Keith only really either stares blankly or looked slightly confused. Geez, didn't that make Clay feel good about his relationship with this new youngest brother. Did he ever spend time with this kid?

They arrive at the bunker, finding Poppy and Floyd inside. Keith lights up as Poppy running over and beginning to tell her about his day. Clay however, doesn't pay much attention to this red-headed version of Viva, rather he hones in on his younger brother who's in a wheelchair and looks on the brink of death. Clay demands to know what happened, while Floyd tries to deflect saying weird dream. Clay knows he's lying right away. Thankfully Poppy has pulled Keith into the kitchen to start on dinner and homework. Clay comes clean about not remembering any of the passed 20 years, Floyd breaths a sigh of relief know that it isn't his sickness that caused the memory loss.

Clay: Do you know the kind of day I had? I'm a CPA! twenty years down the line and I'm a CPA, John would hate that! It's a boring job. But I love it. and I'm dating the crown princess apparently.

Floyd: You thought your day was weird? I can't walk Clay. I've been questioning my own sanity since i woke up. Because I have a TBI and could lose my mind any second.

Clay: TBI? How'd you get a TBI?

Floyd: I don't remember. Poppy and Branch have been tip-toeing around me having some sort of accident. But they won't tell me what. and I'm scared to ask because it would make me look crazy!

Branch would come home at that point. They both are surprised by the Forest Guardian Armor, and Clay even more freaked out seeing the scars, muted colors, and blinded eye that Branch was sporting now. Keith is over joyed and greets Branch warmly. It's obvious these two are close in ways that this grown up Branch isn't with his older brothers. Dinner is served but it doesn't comfort the elder two brothers.

Why don't we check in on Vacay Island for a second. Spruce one moment was fighting with john and the next wakes up one morning next to a Giant yellow woman, who claims to be his wife. Brandy immediately figures out her husband doesn't remember the last twenty years. She explains everything to him using family photos to prove everything. Spruce is lost in confusion, as he listens he had no choice but to believe her, he certainly wasn't in his teenaged body anymore. It hurts to learn that the last night he remembered was the night his family broke apart, and only after 20 years was his brothers comfortable enough to reconnect. Then Brandy mentions that Floyd was kidnapped....suddenly Spruce, or Bruce as Brandy tells him he goes by, needs to see his little brothers. Make sure that their all okay. Brandy agrees and he wonders how on earth his heartthrobness managed to charm his goddess among mortals.

And finally let's get to the eldest. John was in his grandmother's pod, terrified and angry, then he was waking up in a transportation critter in the woods. In the mirror his older self stares back, and he's scared all over again. Time has passed but he doesn't know why or how. Thankfully he finds the journals his older self kept. He spends the day learning what had happened over the passed 20 years. He breakdown when he reads the entry talking about the empty destroyed tree. Only to relax when he reads about the reunion and freeing Floyd.

Rhonda has been watching all of this and sneses something wrong with her owner, against his will she drives strait to troll village.

Once both him and Bruce arrive at the same time and end up explaining that both have the same memory loss. Shockley learning that both Clay and Floyd are the same. Grown up Branch is weird and it hurts to learn where the main scar came from. Floyd is horrifying to his older brothers, they just want to bundle him up and never let anyone touch him. they all talk in Floyd's room about what they need to to do to get their memories back...none of them notice Keith is listening from behind the cracked door.

Branch confronts them at dinner that night. It isn't pretty. Branch is not going to put up with the "We're trying to protect you" routine. And to their shock, takes charge of the room, saying that he and them already had that fight about that topic, and how he doesn't need them anymore. He had Poppy and Keith, and the only reason that Floyd is staying here because branch knows he can't take care of himself. He'll help them, but he won't tolerate arguing. they need to settle their teenaged issues with each other. Because if Keith has to deal with their fights like Branch had to endure, he'd kick them all out.

I'm not sure about how the ending would work yet, but all the brothers would be brought back to the moment they left. And vowed to stay together as a family. In one time line, Branch would have the brothers he deserved.

[squarebracketsmileyface]

Are there any other alters in Tim's system other than Tyler? Or is it just those two against the world?

Yup!

A lot of them I haven't named or fleshed out, they're just a vague idea, but there's definitely more of them. I don't tend to like when systems are written as only having two alters, even though that can happen, it's not very common and every time I've seen it done it's always the "poor innocent 'Real One' who is scared of their alter and has never done anything wrong ever" and the "evil alter who only wants to hurt people and ruin the 'Real One's life just for fun" and I just hate that. Also it's more fun to me to give them a semi big system.

Some that I know I wanna give Tim are:

An introject of his mother [1]

An introject of Jay [2]

Multiple other Tim's [3]

Pirate guy [4]

[1] A persecutor or similar, because I HC that she was... Not Great 💀 tho recently I read N.Gage's ideas about Tim's mum, and I do really like their idea that it was Tim's dad who was abusive and his mum left him at the hospital because she felt like she failed him. So I might incorporate some of that? Maybe Tim pretty much doesn't remember his dad's abuse, only his mother's harsh words, because he doesn't realise that she only said those things to stop Tim doing something that'd mean he got worse from his father. But as far as Tim is aware, his mother was just mean and shouted at him and insulted him a lot, he doesn't know there was a "good" reason why she was like that. I think I've already mentioned her in passing in My Girl.

[2] After a specific incident where Jay takes things too far and finally gives the system the final nudge needed to split after a bunch of things piling up. (This one's because we have a guy like that who we split at some point to hold the memories of a piece of shit ex so that we didn't have to remember the worst of them. For us he ended up choosing a new name, and even tho I personally still a bit uncomfy cofronting with him, I am getting better at not being a twat just because of his source)

[3] To me Tim feels like someone who splits fairly easily, BUT usually when they split it's to create another version of Tim. Like, I mean literally another version of Tim, like a clone of him with just a few differences, like maybe this clone is older than him, or younger, or feels like they look slightly different, maybe this one's a cis guy instead of a trans guy, y'know? They split like this because to me they need to switch the host out fairly frequently so they can continue to function, their hosts need frequent breaks, but they're also sorta not super high masking? So if they switch the host out there's a risk that people will notice and attack them for it. So the solution is, "just swap Tim out with another Tim"

If there are a few Tim's, all of whom consider themselves to Be Tim, there's less risk of people noticing something's off. All it looks like is:

"hey, how old are you?"

"uh... *Remembers* 27"

Y'know? Like it doesn't look like anything other than them being a bit distracted so taking longer to answer personal questions with definite answers.

I think all the Tim's would also have much better memory sharing, they'd be their own subsystem which mostly keep to themselves. By "subsystem" I mean within headspace they all share a body, quite literally like a system within a system, except they have very low amnesia between themselves. (All this is just because we work like this and I wanna see another system that does, cos any time I've seen systems with multiple of the same guy, it's always an introject lol.)

[4] Childhood introject from a TV show/book or something who they saw as a replacement father/parent in general figure. I think I already vaguely mentioned him in passing in My Girl

Other system members I'm thinking about giving them but am less sure about are two that kinda come as a package deal:

An introject of the Operator [1]

Another alter who technically takes the mantle of "Masky" as well as Tyler [2]

[1] idk whether it'd be an actual introject that their brain split naturally, or something they were forced to split by the operator fucking with their head as a child, but they'd have one and it'd cause havoc. I wrote out my whole idea with these two so I'll go find that and put it at the end.

[2] this guy would be a wolf, or a dog, I never fully decided, but they'd be canine in some way, though they didn't start out that way. Their job is keeping the system safe from the inside, making sure the operator introject can't get out of the woods in their headspace to fuck up anyone else. (Yes, keeping people locked up in headspace is a terrible idea most of the time, doesn't facilitate healing, but I think when it's an eldritch deity dead set on ripping your soul open like a can of beans so it can slurp out whatever it wants to, you can make an exception. Okay that means the operator introject has to be put there by The Operator. Cool that's that figured out.)

Found what I wrote when I explained these two to someone. This idea used to be one I had for Masky in general, then Tyler was the S,IL specific Masky, but I love both ideas and like. I can have both, if I wanna. Tyler's the one who usually fronts as Masky, but this wolf/dog guy does too occasionally, when they REALLY need to. Like, Tyler does a lot of the physical protection stuff whereas this guy does more internal protection.

OKAY SO. Masky takes his role as Tim's guardian and protector very seriously, we know this, we see it over and over again in MH. So what if Masky was human when he formed, he was just a general protector, but over time of dealing with the operator and ending up in the hospital, completely unable to escape it anymore because they were locked inside, he began to change. He stopped seeing himself as a human and more as a guard dog, so insys he became a literal guard dog. I can't decide if he'd just be one of those massive bear-like dogs or if he'd just be an actual wolf, but he'd be something large and canine. The process of him changing took time, he changed gradually, add some body horror stuff because Operator or whatever. At some points he was stuck half human half canine with all the right bones in the wrong places or whatever, fur forcing its way through his skin in places he didn't already have follicles before.

Anyway, the process took a long time but the final nail in the coffin of Masky seeing himself purely as a guard dog was when the operator itself showed up in their system. Whether it's an alter split naturally or something it put there itself to increase its control and influence over Tim is up to you, I haven't decided myself. No matter why, the operator is in their system, and with it it bought a new part of the IW. It's a forest, it's dark and terrifying and besides the operator it houses some of the worst memories of abuse that they have.

Masky hates the place, he's terrified of it. Every time he goes there he feels fingers running down his spine and around his ears, like something cold and unseen is petting him, like he's a lapdog, not a very capable guard dog, able to keep persecutors away from front most of the time, and able to keep Tim away from the IW woods. Despite the cold, condescending invisible fingers that run through Masky's fur whenever he's near to woods, he patrols their edges day and night. He doesn't sleep, he doesn't rest, he just patrols and partols and partols. Any time he sees a branch that's stretching a little too far out of the forest, every time he sees a sapling growing too far out, he rips it apart with his teeth.

He keeps the forest from expanding and the operator from encroaching further into the rest of their IW, the parts of the IW where it could get at the littles, where it could get to *Tim*. It's a never ending task, a job that will never be unfinished, and the longer he does it the more it effects his body, his fur grows thin, it's patchy and dry and his skin where it's bare is covered in scratches and scars where the forest tried to fight back when he tore saplings from their roots.

He gets thinner and tireder every year, but he'll never stop. He'll keep patrolling and keeping the forest in check until he's nothing but worn down bones kept together by spite and duty and love towards the rest of his system

I do think there'd be others, but they're more nebulous

Assorted littles

Someone who soothes and looks after the littles

Someone who specifically holds their joy, is able to romanticise everything, sees everything as beautiful etc [1]

Gatekeeper/s

Possible introjects of a couple of the nurses or doctors from the hospital [2]

[1] Someone who post-canon Tim used to think was him and, when he realised they weren't him, has a whole breakdown over the question of if he personally is even capable of happiness or if it's all that other alter. (He is indeed able to feel happiness, he feels it a lot when looking after Birdie)

[2] Maybe they had a favourite who was nicest to them who they introjected for comfort, maybe they had one who terrorised them who they introjected as an abuser.

But uh, yeah, Tim's system, I have many ideas and few are properly fleshed out and I don't even know if I'll end up going into much detail at all of the system in any of the fics. Simply because Tim's completely unaware of his system (except Masky/Tyler, of course but he doesn't know what that is) until a good few years post canon. There's definitely gonna be hints at it and stuff here and there, but not much.

At some point I might write an angsty little fic of entry 35 (Tim leg breaky) from Tyler's pov tho, that one I do kinda wanna do, tho it'll probably be either once the rest of S,IL is done, or it'll be just generally a while down the line.

[itsthesinbin]

Sins in Stardust [Chapter 3: Fresh Start] (Bill Cipher/Reader)

Gonna try smth new. I'll actually post chapters both here and to AO3. If I end up not liking it, I'll go back to just posting the AO3 link.

Genuinely this fic is all I can think about.

Read the fic on AO3 here!

If you like it, reblog it and leave a comment!

----------------------

You managed to get a disguise for Bill, using a hoodie and a face mask that you tied behind his stupid triangle head. You had him walk behind you, saying he was your shy younger brother. Thankfully, he actually kept his mouth shut until you could get into the hotel room. You guessed he had enough self preservation to follow your lead when it came to people.

You dropped your bags onto the floor of your room, and set the to-go boxes on the room’s desk. Both of you flopped onto the bed, tired. Apparently he wasn’t used to having to walk everywhere. You were exhausted from running for both of your lives and carrying your bags and walking the two hours to town. It took everything in you to roll over onto your back. Your stomachs growled in unison and Bill groaned in annoyance.

“How often do I have to eat in this vessel? This shit sucks.” Even though he was face down, you could hear his voice clearly as his body lit up with each word. Like he projected his own thoughts outward instead of actively speaking. Cool in one way, but god damn you wished he’d shut up just a little bit.

You handed him the box with his so-rare-it’s-almost-raw burger and fries, and you grabbed your fried fish. You both shoveled food into your empty stomachs. You didn’t even flinch when he threw fries into his eye-mouth this time. You were too hungry to care.

“So,” you started after you were halfway through your fish. Bill had slowed down his eating as well, burger sauce dripping down his… cheeks, you guessed. Weird. A forked tongue came out to swipe the sauce away. That time you shivered.

“What… DO you remember, Bill?” He swallowed, eye returning as he thought. He rubbed under his eyelid, squeezing the lid shut in an attempt to draw out any memories.

“Well, I remember that night your mom invited me over!” He cackled, nearly doubling over at his own joke. You closed your eyes, trying not to get pissed off all over again. You had just calmed down. He wiped a tear, still tinged with pink, from the corner of his eye.

“Really, though, it’s hazy,” he finally answered, completely snapping out of his mirth. It was unsettling how fast he changed moods. It made you feel a little sick. You picked at your fish as he continued.

“I remember me and the Henchmaniacs were dragging that one guy through the blood ocean…” He half mumbled, trying to sort through the fog of vague visions in his mind. He listed off various memories that grew worse as he went on. Feeding someone their own skin. Stapling a guy’s eyelids open and making him watch his family be murdered for a few hundred years. Making a couch out of flesh as a “pet project”. You held a hand up before he could continue.

“Enlightening, but I more meant… closer to the whole stone thing and the appearing in front of me thing.” He snapped his fingers, as if just now remembering that part of the story. You rubbed your temple as he hummed to himself. His air of confidence and humor dissipated slightly. His “brow” furrowed, hand going to the side of his head like it hurt to try and remember. It made your annoyance soften. He was irritating, sure, but the guy was suffering major amnesia. And also apparently he didn’t have any powers that he had before. You wanted to know more about that, but felt it was inappropriate to ask at the moment.

“I was… I remember being pissed off? There was… a lot of fire…” He trailed off. His expression grew unsettled as he went silent for a long moment. A hand trailed along one of the cracks lining his body. You wanted to reach out, ask if he was alright. Then it was like a flip switched.

“Oh well! If it’s important, I’m sure it’ll come back to me!” He laughed with a wave of the hand. He drowned the remainder of fries in the ketchup packet that came with his meal. You rose a brow, but didn’t argue with him.

“What about you, kid? What’re you out in the middle of nowhere for?” You honestly didn’t expect him to ask about you whatsoever, so that was a pleasant surprise. You washed the breading stuck in your throat away with a swig of pitt as you thought about what to tell him.

“... Just needed a new start, honestly. I was… stifled, back home, for a few reasons. I had to get out.” He seemingly grinned, coming over and throwing an arm around your shoulders.

“I knew I liked you, Stardust! You and I are kindred spirits- meant for greater things than what our homes could give!” You gave him a look at the sudden spiel, and the nickname. He stood on your legs, so you were eye to eye, and placed his hands on your shoulders. You were not as excited as he seemed to be.

“Stardust?” “Yeah, you walking organs are made from the stuff right? And we met on that romantic starry night,” he all but purred, fluttering his lashes at you. You tensed, let out a disgruntled noise and pushed him away. He snickered as he moved back to his spot on the bed.

“Anyway, howzabout a deal? I got big plans for this dimension, and I’m not about to let a little knock to the noggin set me back! You help me bring my friends out here- get my memories and powers back- and I’ll make it so you reach your REAL potential!” The speech seemed too practiced. Too smooth. Then you remembered he had introduced himself as a “dream demon” earlier today. His practiced pitch made sense with that bit of context. You frowned. You figure a proper deal with a demon would be a bad idea. You didn’t even know if it’d be binding with his powers gone- if he was telling the truth- but you chose not to risk it at the moment. You weren’t in the mood to be tied to an egomaniac at the moment.

“Dunno about a deal. I’ll help you find the friends you got in town, but I don’t plan on sticking around too long. A week or two at most.” He blinked, clearly having expected you to be stupid enough to go for the deal right away. The hand he had stuck out to shake fell to his side again. He wagged his finger at you, amused.

“Smart cookie! Don’t trust strangers that easily, kids!” There was a bite to his tone. He was a little angry that you didn’t fall for it. Good. You weren’t gonna just be used by some asshole you were supposed to be helping. You both finished your food, satisfied and full. You broke down the styrofoam boxes before shoving the pieces into the tiny hotel trash can. Your legs protested the movement as you looked for clean clothes to change into, after your upcoming shower.

“Can you remember anything about these friends of yours? Any leads at all?” you asked as you rummaged through your meager bags. Bill hopped off the bed. He paced for a moment, seemingly in thought. The short demon climbed up onto the padded bench under the window and took a peek outside.

He watched the people walk by. You walked up behind him, leaning on the windowsill to stare out with him. It seemed like a charming little town. People waved to each other on the streets, kids ran around relatively unsupervised. You caught two cops kissing on the bench out in public, so at least you knew this place wasn’t openly homophobic. That was fun.

He sighed, annoyed, as he leaned on a hand. He continued to scan people, hoping that SOMETHING would click. You saw the top of him start to turn red in annoyance. As frustrating as the little asshole has been in the few hours you’ve known him, you felt bad for the guy. Even if he was a horrible tyrant and criminal if any of his escapades were true. He just needed some help.

“Hey,” you said carefully, placing a hand on his back to get his attention. He jerked, giving you a frustrated side eye. You flinched slightly at the sudden glare and removed your hand. Swallowing, you continued.

“Don’t try to force it. You just got… free? And we’ve both been through a lot this morning. Let’s just… take the day to rest, okay? We can work on finding your friends in the next couple days.” He huffed, hat drooping as he crossed his arms and pouted like a child. You almost patted his back, but remembered the glare he gave you. You kept your hands to yourself.

“After my shower, we’ll see what’s on tv for a bit and then I’ll get dinner later. I’ll look up takeout places nearby,” you offered. He didn’t look at you, just pouted at the window.

“I want a silly straw to drink with,” he grumbled. “And pizza. With mushrooms.”

You blinked, slightly startled by the odd request of a silly straw. Man, when was the last time you used one of those? You smiled. Maybe a little bit of whimsy was what you both needed.

“I’ll get us matching straws,” you promised. He looked over his shoulder at you like an angry kitten. His lower eyelid seemed to poke out in an actual pout. It was endearing in a kinda gross way. He let out a small grunt and turned back to the window when he saw you were serious.

You left the tv remote next to him, telling him to look for something mind numbing to watch for when you got out of the shower. You left him alone to clean up.

As soon as you were in the shower, Bill’s shoulders drooped. He dragged a hand over his eye, the lower lid pulling slightly in exasperation. He dropped his head against the window, banging it against the glass a few times for good measure. He didn’t like not being in control of the situation. Not one fucking bit. He was Bill FUCKING Cipher and he wouldn’t be reduced to… this… for long.

He just had to get you on his side, and build him his ticket out of here. Or at least build his henchmaniacs’ ticket INTO here. Even without his powers, it should be a piece of cake. Humans were stupid!

His bad mood vanished quickly, and he grinned as he watched a raccoon jump out of a trash can at an unsuspecting child. He couldn’t help but laugh as it knocked the kid to the ground. Suffering was funny when it was someone else. He leaned back on the side of the bench, watching the show with his arms behind his uppermost point. Yeah, he’d be back to his old self in no time.

[quoigenic-anon]

is system journaling always a good thing?

I personally don't do journaling. The most journal thing we have is a private discord server where me and my headmate put some thoughts and music we like.

It's good for newly discovered systems. I used to write down my headmate's doings when our communication was worse. I did it to fight internal fakeclaiming, it was nice to have a tangible and visible list of things that happened.

There's only two of us, we only have emotional amnesia due to switches. At this moment I don't see the reason to keep on journaling. Also, haha, my problem is that while I formulate what I want to write down, I don't want to write it down anymore!

It can be good for systems with higher headcount, amnesia, dissociation barriers, etc. Sometimes it's very much needed for communication. Sometimes it's not necessary and rather optional.

I can't figure out why journaling might be a bad thing. Well, surely it's not universal practice, not for everyone.

But... What harm can journaling cause? It really depends on the kind of journaling, I guess. Any information outside of your head is a risk, but it's just life.

(TRIGGER WARNING: I'm mentioning situations where your information can get leaked. These situations are completely made up, but if they can cause spiralling, anxiety or trigger you, avoid reading next paragraph. Better safe than sorry, take care.)

Public journals have obvious risks of getting the information used against you. Physical journals can be read by wrong people and used against you. Your device can get hacked and your private journal can get leaked in the Internet.

(END OF THE TRIGGER WARNING.)

Having separate journals for different headmates can cause more dissociation and separation? Well, there's already enough talk about how separation can be positive for ones and negative for others.

It's all that I can come up with. Every technique can be harmful if used wrong or if it simply doesn't fit your situation.

[adventremnant]

Hi, I hope you're doing well :p

If I'm not saying non-sense you said previously you have DID, if you're okay to answer, how do you handle it on the ED-side but also in daily life? Especially while you studied, got a degree/diploma etc

I'm actually struggling with dissociation, amnesia and part stuff, and if on the side of ED it's scaring of what could I do because I'm not in the same "mindset" as before such as fasting for days or binge or anything, studying is worse. I sometime can't study at all for hours for the reason I forget it or just having a flash crisis or not interested at this moment or any reason and still need to. It's so frustrating to not remember anything of this course, or just knowing I could in fact study but can't physically?

Advice would be really appreciated but don't feel pressured to answer, especially since it's not the main theme of your account

Have a good day anyway!!

I was diagnosed with DID when I was 18, about a year after I moved out of my family home. Prior to that, a therapist thought I was bipolar or had BPD and that explained my mood changes, and that my periods of forgetfulness were from ADHD.

It's been a slower road to figuring out that yes, I do have ADHD and autism, but I also have CPTSD and DID, as well as ASPD and OCD likely as a result of the others never being properly treated in childhood.

I personally have done a lot of integrative work (that is, breaking down of dissociative barriers) in the years since we figured out what was going on, which helps a lot to not interrupt the greater life in general. Everybody isn't on the exact same page but at least we're all reading the same book most of the time. There are different interests and priorities and emotions (most of our true amnesia now is emotional) but too much of "what am i supposed to be doing right now" or "what do we do at work".

You may need a PTSD or DID specialist to help with that process - regular trauma therapists usually don't know what they're talking about. For us, personally, being out of the abusive environment was enough for the brain to slowly let down walls, and we also did DBT.

It can also be really helpful to make notes and lists. We have a personal system discord server where we write down things that need to be remembered or things like what groceries are in the house and what recipe we were making with them. We also use that for communicating between alters over longer periods of time, like passing notes.

Over the years we've also learned how to structure things in the system to keep things as stable as possible. Some alters aren't suited to certain tasks, to work, to talking to certain people, so we avoid triggering them out and try to keep strong, stable fronters around.

I actually didn't have too much trouble in school, having picked a field of study most of us were interested enough in to keep up with and already knew enough about to not need to start from square one, though i did have to repeat a couple of classes over the summer my sophomore year because I was suddenly being slightly stalked by the family member who caused our original trauma and that caused me to split majorly and become a bit agoraphobic for a semester.

To answer your question about the ED, we've had it for so long it's been baked into major alter "clusters" and enough of the idea of who we were prior to knowing we were a system that even with switches, the most you'll get is maybe an alter who doesn't care enough to participate, but won't sabotage the ones who do or tell on them. We did have issues in the past with the alter who started the ED getting majorly upset at others who wouldn't participate, but he's chilled out a lot now.

Medication also helps! I take a moderate dose of anticonvulsants that are approved for use in PTSD - that has gotten rid of my nightmares and acts as a mood stabilizer. I also take a beta blocker for POTS which helps my body further feel regulated. When you're not being constantly overstimulated and freaked out, it's much easier to stabilize the system.

Long story short, for your situation, and assuming what you're experiencing is dissociative, structural amnesia rather than severe ADHD, I would recommend trying to figure out triggers! If you can identify a way to keep a stronger, motivated host around as much as possible, that can help a lot in locking in for work or studying purposes.

Let me know if you have other questions!

[circular-bircular]

(How fucking topical. I wrote this post apparently 6 hours ago and saved it as a draft to edit later. Here we are…)

Kinda a weird just thoughtful post here but-

Had someone asked me like 10 years ago (Jesus fuck I can’t believe that I’ve known this for 10 years) what the hardest part of being a system is, I probably would’ve said some shit about switching, or dissociation, or even just the issues I have between my parts.

If someone asked me maybe five years ago, I would’ve said something about the trauma and how it’s difficult to deal with that.

But I think, where I am currently, the hardest part is forgetting where I’ve been.

I constantly find myself needing other people to validate the changes I have gone through because, at some fundamental level, I don’t remember the changes I’ve gone through. I don’t know how I’ve changed because it’s so hard for me to remember where I started. There’s a reason so many of my posts are just shit that has happened to me — it’s because I don’t remember.

And I guess that could be boiled down to struggling with “amnesia,” but… just saying I struggle with amnesia doesn’t get to the emotional problems that come from forgetting everything about yourself constantly. I try to look toward who I am now and ask if I’ve grown, and I can’t tell, beyond hating who I used to be for reasons I don’t understand. Maybe only because people tell me I used to be worse.

I wish more people talked about this part of amnesia more.