#my brain tells me that this could easily be
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I found your Dottore w playable reader stuff and it's been taking over my brain. nf!!but if you could give us a few more silly headcanons? Love ur writing btw đ„č
Dream Chaser's Blight: An ancient weapon that was once used to protect a certain scholar from ages past and to forge a path towards their shared dreams. He has carefully preserved it so that the wielder can use it once more... even though they can no longer perform that duty.
Fly or Fall: HP is increased by X%. When an Elemental Skill hits opponents or heals allies for the first time, the next character that is swapped to will have their CRIT Rate increased by X% and CRIT DMG increased by X%.
Weapon Description: The sound of his fellow peer's humming had become commonplace to the youth. In particular, it always happened when they were carefully cleaning their weapon after a battle, mostly with Ruin Machines that needed to be dismantled with minimal damage... occasionally other unscrupulous people. At the beginning of their budding relationship, the grumpy scholar paid little attention to their fiddling, but as of late, he had taken notice of how his partner's usually tender hands glided along the weapon with ease. The lovely scholar quickly noticed with a smile and inquired of him:
"What, are you interested in my expert skills now? Or- don't tell me, you wish to learn?"
The man clicked his tongue in false disinterest, to which his companion chuckled. They beckoned him further, agreeing that teaching him some basic combat would be wise. After all, despite his high intelligence getting him out of ninety-nine percent of situations, the one percent was certainly something he should plan for. However, unbeknownst to the young man's lover, perhaps he felt a twinge in his chest at the sight of their occasional cuts and bruises. Regardless, before he could finish his thought, something was hurled at him and he had mere moments to catch it.
His so-called beloved had thrown their weapon at him out of nowhere and he could hardly hold it up, all while they were laughing. They just wanted to test his reaction time, they reasoned, sauntering up to him and then relieving him of the weapon's weight, easily maneuvering it to their will.
"Why, you can hardly hold it up, can you? Too heavy, eh? Unsurprising, I know there's a reason I have to haul your items around... but don't worry too much. Until you obtain the powers of the Gods... anyone who hurts my âââ will have to answer to me. But even after, they still will!"
However, an unlived eternity came with nearly insurmountable change for the man's once cheery classmate. Having not picked up a weapon in centuries, the promise was lost to time.
But one day the tired soul questioned their darling, surprised that he had held on to their centuries-old weapon, which had somehow not decayed by now. In turn, he responded that he had preserved all of their belongings from long ago as best as he could. Their weapon in particular was kept in pristine condition, remembering all the opportunities it provided for him. A glimmer of excitement appeared in his love's eyes as they asked if they could hold the weapon once more, to which he hesitantly agreed. But it had hardly made it into his beloved's hands before they nearly toppled over with the weight.
"W-Was it always that heavy...?"
The patient's question was only met with silent sadness and fury from the doctor.
#smooches talks#dottore love notes <3#playable reader <3#fragile reader <3#ALSO IM HAPPY U LIKE MY WRITING ANON IM SQUEEZING U#also dont come at me if the weapon effect is bad i was just like random bs go based on reader's foxttore/puffling summons#if u want more just send another ask bc i didn't wanna make this too long ebfrbeqf#i actually went on the wiki to see how they write the descriptions for weapons and tried me best#yk#the funny part is that i feel more tired than when i was actually going to classes#is this the stress catching up to me#yea no i need to get more eep in
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âĄConfess I loved you from the startâĄ
A/N: After pure procrastination, I finally wrote something. Now I have to get to the other members smhđđ idk I'll probably do Sunoo next. Also should I have a tag list? If so, tell me if you wanna be added!! Happy reading<33
Warnings: swearing lmao
Fluffââ
Jake x Fem!Reader
If you see a mistake, no you didn't đ
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â§âââ  ïœĄïŸâ
: *.⊠.* :â
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You loved Jake. More than you'd ever like to admit
Having known each other for so long, he was always your happy place. Almost everyone at uni believed your souls were bounded together. And others assumed you must be partners, right? Considering how Jake himself drapes his arms around you ever so casually or often gives you forehead kisses. You wouldn't call them wrong.This has been a thing for years. Although, it's only now you question why seeing his face makes your heart rate spike.
Jake rambles on about something that happened the previous day. You took a sip of your drink, slouching into the booth of your favorite little diner. You and Jake would always come here throughout high school. It was practically a second home. Most of the staff knew you both quite well too. The 80s inspired diner brought nothing but delicious meals and heartwarming memories. You couldn't really come here much due to university. So all these little moments meant the world.
"I need to ask you something" His words change the conversation completely. Now, you're actually paying attention. Not just admiring his face while his words only translated into 'blah blah blah's. "Something?" Your eyebrows raise. Jake's fingers tap against the table, his lips pressing together in thought. His mouth opened to speak but not a word came out.
"Take your time" You say. Your heart raced and a million thoughts jumped into your brain. Could he be confessing? Could he actually like me? Shit, is this even happening? You took another sip of your drink, trying to disguise your smile. Jake caught your gaze and sighed. "I-I want to ask Lexie to be my girlfriend" Jake blurts out.
"What? " your voice cracks
"Lexie. I want to ask her out" he repeats
You held back any sound that might indicate you're fucking hurt. Sure, you knew Jake liked Lexie. He's liked her ever since the first year of university. She's apart of the friend group and she's an absolute sweet heart. She has this natural beauty to her. Lexie is a close friend of yours but you still envy that she stole Jake's attention so easily.
"I know this is sudden" Jake said "But I really need your advice. Please? " He intertwined his fingers with yours and pouts. You don't say anything. You don't know what to say. The fact that he came to you for advice warmed your crushed heart. You tell him everything you believe Lexie would appreciate. You give him things to say or think about. You say this all with an aching soul. You wanted him to be happy, even if it wasn't with you
And just before you both leave the diner and go your seperate ways, Jake hugs you. He pulls you into the warmest hug you've ever felt. With joy, you hug him back. "You're the best, y/n" Jake pulls away, keeping his eyes on yours. "Thanks for always being so supportive"
You might be crazy but the way his eyes softened. His smile making an appearance more than usual. That pink dusted across his faceâthat you might as well be imagining. Delusional feelings only prompt you to think he feels exactly what you feel. Although, it can't be the case. Jake often talks about Lexie like she's the only girl on planet earth. You really can't let irrational thoughts take over like this. "No problem, Jake. I'm always happy to help" You respond, forcing a grin
âĄ
Your dorm room is a load of silence. Not even the sound of a bug could be heard. You lay on the sofa while looking up at the ceiling. Every thought seemed to be about Jake. You desperately tried to think of anything else. Food, laundry or cats? No point though as your heart continues to drag back to that special friend who would always stay a friend.
You couldn't just sit here and feel bad for yourself. You had to let Jake know. It's a secret you've been hiding for him. You both promised not to keep secrets like this. Especially for so long. It only felt right to go tell him. Let him know you're so in love with him it hurts.
You jump off your couch and rush towards the door. You lock the dorm room and storm out of the dorm building. For some odd reason, you forgot it was raining outside. Light rain though. Nothing to absolutely kill you. You think about going back to get an umbrella but you're already outside anyway. You don't have a car either as Jake always drives you around. Fuck it, we dash, you thought
And upon arriving at his place, you're basically drenched. That was the least of your problems though. You knocked on Jake's door then hear rustling from inside. A few moments pass before Jake pulls the door open, staring down at you. "Y/N? What are yo-"
You push yourself inside, hurriedly cutting him off. Jake shuts the front door with an eyebrow raise. "Aww. You didn't miss me already, did you? " He teased. You give him a vulnerable look before pouring out everything. "Jake. I know you like Lexie and you both would make an amazing couple. I-I just wanted to say that I love you! But if you wanna be with- uh- Lexie, then that's fine by me-"
"Woah. Calm down" Jake chuckles, pulling you into a warm embrace, simply ignoring how wet you are from the rain.
"Lex and I weren't going to work out anyway. She's kinda already taken" you hear him sigh. You silently thank your ancestors for that. Her already being taken makes things slightly more easier. Or maybe not because you did blatantly say you love him. Love. What a strong word. "Oh. That's unfortunate"
"Yeah" Jake rests his head on top of yours
"Glad to know you love me, baby"
You slap his arm and roll your eyes. Jake pulls away with a laugh. "Your confession, not mine! " He states. You try not to laugh while giving him a stern look. "I was just saying things" You shrug. Jake intertwined his hand with yours, pulling you close again. "To be honest with you" He takes a moment to pause before continuing "I don't really like Lexie. I only forced myself to like her because of you" His confession caught you off guard. You mask your shock with a smile. "Well, you had me convinced"
"Did I? " He frowns "I must have hurt you, huh? I-I wasn't sure if you'd ever feel the same. You're my best friend and I didn't want our relationship to feel uncomfortable because of some stupid crush-"
You cut him off, placing a gentle kiss on his lips. As you pull away, you notice how red his ears are. Jake blinks for a few moments before speaking again. "Y/N? " He smiles
"Jake?" you smile back
"Can I be your boyfriend? "
"Only if you let me be your girlfriend"
"Deal" Jake wraps his arms around your waist, pressing a kiss against your forehead. It was only then he realized how drenched you were. "Let's get you out of those clothes, yeah? " He suggests. You gasp before punching his arm. "That's so forward, Sim"
Jake winced, shaking his head. "Not like that! Your clothes are wet, dumbass. Don't want you catching a cold" He removes his arms from your waist, stepping back. You then realize what he meant, letting out an awkward chuckle. "Ah, sorry"
"Pervert" He jokes, pulling you towards his room. You were about to respond but thought against it. "I love you too by the way" Jake says with an affectionate tone. "Love you more" You replied
Despite this not being how you wanted your confession with him to go, you're glad it did. Knowing that Jake has loved you from the start. He loved you just as long as you loved him. It sparked a chain of happiness. You were ready to spend all your seconds with him. Each and every one<3
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#enhypen#enhypen x reader#sim jake x reader#jake enhypen#sim jake x black reader#jake x reader#sim jake fluff#enhypen fluff#kpop x black reader#enhypen x black reader#x black reader
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@oopsiedaisiesbaby Since you wrote something for me hereâs something for you thatâs been brewing in my head for awhile now:
Ok so hear me out- I donât know how people feel about rpf (I mean technically Clegan is rpf) but this picture of Austin and Callum has given me all sorts of ideas, I canât help it đ©:
So Iâm thinking theyâve always flirted with one another but always made it out it be a joke, or like theyâd back off as soon as or before it got too serious. Like theyâd both say off hand comments or remarks about/to the other that always has the other reeling back and wondering, second guessing everything but convincing themselves theyâre trying to make it into something itâs not, seeing things that arenât there, looking too far into it. And the way Austin looks at Callum- itâs hard for Callum to look back sometimes, it feels so intense and sensual and heâs afraid of his own expression giving anything away. But Callum tells himself Austin looks at everyone that way, he has very intense eye contact and it can easily come across as sexual when he doesnât mean for it to. So theyâve been dancing around one another for as long as theyâve known each other.
Also- as far as their sexuality goes, in my head, Callum has never really been interested in men, but there have been more than a few times where heâs found stereotypical âpretty boysâ and âtwinksâ attractive like he would a woman and thought about what it would be like to have sex with them, and it wasnât a repulsive thought, but he always buried that in the back of his head. Until he met Austin and then all bets were off, not even to himself could he pretend he didnât want to absolutely wreck him. But he told himself it was because it/he was Austin, like everyone wants him, he just has that affect on people. And heâs just so fucking gorgeous and lovely that he defies gender and sexuality.
And then for Austin, well- I think heâs definitely felt attraction to men before. More so than Callum. But itâs also something heâs buried deep down and not dealt with or acted upon (except for maybe a few make out sessions or mutual jerking off/hand jobs with his male peers as a teen), because he has a lot of hang ups about it, partly due to how heâs perceived by the public as a pretty and feminine man, so he often feels the need to overcompensate in the opposite direction, also because he doesnât want to get typecast as that type of man all the time. And also because of so much of the unwanted attention and attraction he has received from grown and older men since puberty. Heâs had creepy old and middle aged men creep on him since he was a teenager and so he still feels uncomfortable about it, still gets the creeps sometimes when an older man will make a comment toward/to him or touch him in what could be an intimate way. I imagine he had quite a few uncomfortable or outright inappropriate interactions with or comments directed at him by male executives, producers, and directors as a young teen auditioning for and landing roles on Disney and Nickelodeon, and so obviously that made the âfinding men attractiveâ part of his brain shut off completely, even though men closer to his age (who he was actually attracted to on some level) werenât the issue and werenât who made him feel uncomfortable.
So, Callum and Austin have been dancing around each other since they first met. But that night at the Boys in the Boat premiere, Austin gets uncharacteristically sloshed for whatever reason, maybe he just was in a good happy mood and felt safe and so he let himself go a bit. (He always feels safe with Callum). Callum is finding it very entertaining to see Austin so unguarded and carefree; Austin is always friendly and approachable, but heâs careful with who he opens up completely to and who he allows himself to be vulnerable around. Callum is one of the lucky few who he trusts to do so around, and Callum carries that privilege like a badge of honor. Austin is very flirty with Callum throughout the night, and gets more and more so, and touchier as well, the drunker he gets. And by the end of the night, Austin is completely defenseless, with zero inhibitions, plastered over and leaning heavily on Callum to hold him up or else he couldnât stand by himself, smiling brightly and lovingly at Callum and looking up at him from under his lashes like he always does, but now itâs even more pointed, more intense, and it has Callum blushing deeply and turning his gaze away.
âHeâs so lovely, even when heâs plastered,â Callum thinks to himself. âLetâs get you back to your hotel room, big guy, I think youâve had enough fun for one nightâ is what he says out loud instead. Austin doesnât argue, just giggles like Callum said something super funny and leans into him even heavier.
Callum gets his driver to take them both to the hotel Austin is staying at and tells him to wait while he walks Austin up to his room and makes sure heâs okay. In the elevator, Austin lays his head against Callumâs shoulder and looks up at him with a super serious expression on his face, and says âI feel safe with you, Cal.â Callum's heart flutters and melts in his chest and he swallows before he responds. âIâm always here for you, mate, you know that.â Austin smiles at that and leans his head again back on Callumâs shoulder.
Callum gets Austin up and into his hotel room, putting Austinâs arm around his shoulders and holding onto his hand thatâs around his neck, trying not to think about how his hand easily wraps around Austinâs entire wrist. The whole time Austin is just hanging off of him. Once he gets him into his room, he bends down to help Austin take off his shoes, but as he does, Austin stops him with a hand on his shoulder and pulls him back up. âStay the night with me here, Cal?â he asks with those big blue puppy dog eyes.
âI canât, my driver is waiting for me outside the hotel,â Callum replies truthfully. He canât deny that he wants to stay, but he knows what a terrible idea that would be for so many reasons, most of all being that he knows Austin will be embarrassed in the morning and it will be awkward as hell. Austin pouts a little bit and oh God, heâs so adorable, this drunk 32 year old grown man pouting looking like heâs about 12.
âYouâll be okay, letâs just get you to bed,â Callum says as he helps maneuver Austin to the bedroom in the hotel suite. As heâs trying to get Austin to sit or lay down on the bed from where heâs still hanging off of him, Austin is looking up at him intensely again from under those damn lashes and rasps, âKiss me, Cal.â
Heâs looking at him completely open. No inhibitions. Just pure, deep desire. And yeah, Callumâs entire body feels like itâs on fire. He audibly gasps. Thereâs a heat growing in his groin and his heart is beating rapidly in his chest and his palms are sweating and his face is on fire and no, this canât be happening, what is happening right now. Heâs got to be imagining this.
But thatâs right, Austin is drunk. Heâs not thinking straight, thatâs all. He doesnât have control of his faculties at the moment. He wonât even remember saying it in the morning. He looks away from Austinâs intense gaze and manages to choke out, âI canât, Aus. Youâre-youâre drunk.â Austin, damn him, gets that stupidly adorable and heartbreaking pout back on his face. His eyes even seem to be filling with tears, his forehead wrinkles up.
âWhy wonât you kiss me?â he whines. Callum at first feels absolutely heartbroken until he realizes that Austin has probably never been rejected or denied a kiss once in his life; heâs probably genuinely confused with Callumâs answer. He laughs under his breath at that. âGod, the irony, if he only knew how much I want toâ he thinks.
âI cant, Aus. Iâm sorry. Come on, letâs get you into bed.â Once heâs gotten him to lay down, Austin closes his eyes and it seems like it will only be a few seconds before heâs passed out. Callum pats him on the thigh and says, âIâll text you tomorrow,â as he heads out the door and back down to where his driver is parked outside waiting.
The next day, Austin texts him around noon just to thank him for getting him safely back to his hotel room, and apologizes for being so out of it. Callum responds that it wasnât a hassle and that he was glad he had a good time and enjoyed himself. Neither of them mention what Austin had said. Callum doesnât ever ask him if he remembers what he said that night. They return to their normal dynamic, and luckily (or not) it doesnât change anything about their friendship or feel awkward or weird at all.
Then I think maybe months later, after the Masters of the Air press tour has wrapped (in which there was a hell of a lot more flirting and touching), Austin texts Callum when itâs in the middle of the night (super early morning) in the UK and late at night in the US, asking if heâs awake. The buzz of his phone on his nightstand wakes him up and he responds âNow I am, thanksâ and then his phone is ringing.
âWhatâs the matter?â He asks when he picks up because this isnât like Austin at all.
âCal,â Austin breathes on the other line. His voice is raspier and even deeper than normal if thatâs even possible. Immediately Callum is awake and feels a sharp heat pooling in his groin.
âCal, please tell me you wanted to kiss me that night. Please tell me you wanted it just as much as I did.â Austin sounds a bit tipsy, not fully sober, and Callum wants to curse him out for torturing him like this. âAustin are you-â
âIâm not drunk, Callum. Iâve had a couple drinks to loosen up but Iâm not drunk. Iâm just sick of pretending. And I want you right now. I want you so badly, Cal, I canât take it anymore.â
Callum hears rustling around on the other line and realizes that Austin is touching himself. And at that realization, all bets are off.
âJesus Christ, Austin, are you touching yourself right now?â
âYeahâ he breathes, his breath hitching a bit. Hearing Austin in this state, itâs something Callum had imagined so often but never thought heâd actually get to hear. He doesnât even realize heâs doing it as he reaches into his pants and pulls his cock out and starts tugging on it.
âJesus, Austin, you have no idea, no idea how bad I want you. Wanted you for so long, itâs been torture not being able to touch you the way I want to. You have no idea what you do to me, have no idea the things I want to do to you.â
Austin moans on the other side of the phone. Callum is enthralled with how high his breathy moans are, so much higher than his deep voice regularly.
âTell me,â Austin breathes.
âGod, baby, I just wanna get my mouth on you, all over you. Wanna make you feel so good. Wanna do everything to you, with you. Anything you want, baby boy. Youâre so fucking gorgeous, Aus. The way you look at me sometimes- You drive me fucking crazy.â
By this point theyâre both jerking themselves off loudly, they both can hear the other and theyâre both close, picking up speed.
âWanna hear you, baby. Wanna hear how good you feel, thinking about me there making you feel good instead.â
Callum feels high, drunk, delirious. He still canât believe this is actually happening.
âSo good, Cal. Wish you were here touching me.â
âYeahâ Callum grunts back, heâs at the point where he doesnât have any words left to use, his mind is fogged by white hot desire.
âSometimes I fuck myself on my fingers and imagine itâs your cock inside me,â Austin rasps.
And that about does Callum in.
He groans loudly, âYeah? You want my cock, baby?â, heâs proud that he is able to get that much out in response.
Austin moans on the other end âYeah, I want it. Want your cock so bad. Been thinking it about for so long, now, Cal.â
Thatâs all it takes for Callum to come all over himself and his bedsheets. He can tell Austin is close on the other end.
âCome on baby, want you to come for me. Wanna hear you come. Know you sound so pretty when you do, while youâre thinking about having my cock in you.â
Austin keens at that and Callum can hear him finishing on the other end, high breathy moans and gasps filling the space. God, he sounded even more beautiful coming than Callum ever imagined, and heâd imagined it plenty.
âJesus Christ, Austin, youâre gonna be the death of me,â he says once he gets his voice back fully. Austin laughs breathily on the other end, still breathing heavily.
âWow, Austin. That was- just wow. So fucking hot. Damn.â Austin laughs breathily again. Theyâre silent for a few moments, catching their breaths, and Callum starts to get a bit nervous.
âNow what did I do to deserve all that, huh? What provoked all this? Not that Iâm complaining,â he asks.
âWas at a brand event tonight, and this male brand ambassador was all over me. And Iâd had a few drinks- Iâm not drunk, I promise- and all I could think about was how I did want a man touching me like that. But not him, or any other man, I just wanted you. Have always wanted you, Cal. I- sometimes I feel uncomfortable with male attention, having men wanting me. But you- youâre the man that I want, Cal. I want you to want me. And well, I used to tell myself I was just seeing things that I wanted to see, but I could have sworn you looked at me like you wanted me back that night- That night at the premiere, when you brought me back to the hotel- I could have sworn you wanted to kiss me, even through my drunken haze. The way you put your arm around my waist sometimes, how you touch my face. I love when you do those things, Cal. The way you had your hand wrapped around my entire wrist that night I was drunk- I loved how it made me feel small, protected. I love how much bigger you are than me, how you make me feel safe.â
âWhat city are you in right now?â
ââŠHuh?â
âWhat city are you in right now, Aus?â
âI-I donât understand what that has to do with anything at the moment.â
âBecause Iâm looking up the next flight out of London that I can get on so that I can get to wherever you are right now. Now that I know you want me to touch you, I canât stand another second of not being able to get my hands on you like I want to. What city are in right now, Austin?â
âNew York,â Austin breathes.
âIâll be there by this afternoon.â
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Oh, my heart - Russell, I love you, but youâre an uber-goober! So is he using Colter as a way to introduce him to his family, or could he genuinely not find her? Regardless, this is so intriguing!
âAs he impatiently watched a set of doors once more, he pondered if he was still seeing things clearly or if his kooky mind was playing tricks on him. Adjusting to civilian life wasnât always easy. What normal people would see as a perfectly nice, faithful woman picking up mail from the post office, Russell saw as a dead-drop pick-up. There was a construction crew about three hundred yards to his right that seemed to be on constant break by their lack of work ethic. They also took turns to watch the supermarket closely. Ever wondered why there was so much street construction seemingly everywhere and yet Americaâs roads were still full of potholes? Russell didnât.â
âAs he rounded the corner, he had to stifle a laugh once he saw his little brother down on the ground, straddled by your legs. Russell had found himself in similar positions with you, but they had been mostly out of pleasure.â
âRussell clicked his tongue and sighed, scratching the back of his neck. âLook, heâs right. There wasnât a plan. I just-⊠I had to see you. But once I did, well⊠here we are.â Full disclosure: There might have been a little bit of a plan. Just tiny, really. Not worth mentioning at all.â
âWell, alright, that was braggy. There was a lot more going on than that. Best night of his life, really. But Russell considered it classified.â
âIâm tellinâ ya, even if she had changed her entire life and personality, thereâs no way she would have accepted Jesus Christ as her Lord and savior. I mean, maybe if she suffered a traumatic brain injuryâŠâ Russell mused and then grinned. âOr if she got abducted by aliens!â
âOh, you have to try the pie,â the pastor eagerly suggested and put an arm around your shoulders. âOur Nora here is an excellent baker. Her desserts are a real trend in our community. It is downright sinful. But shhhh, donât tell the big man upstairs.â
âItâs a sin to lie, Colter,â Russ noted. His tone was serious, but the twinkle in his green eyes was impish.â
âYou knew this day would come eventually. You knew heâd come back for you. Granted, you had expected him on your goddamn doorstep years ago, but he never showed. Sending divorce papers was a last resort in hopes heâd wake up then. That had been nine months ago.â
âA part of you thought this day would never come, so maybe Colter being here was indeed a show of good faith and Russell was finally, finally dealing with his shit.That man could easily fill the Denver airport with his baggage.â
âKnowing Russell, he probably figured he could push through the pain and be fine. But he had never really been fine since the day you met him â and he wasnât this time either as he squeezed his eyes shut, trying to blink the tears away, and turned his back to you with a hand clasped over his mouth.â
âHe knew if he continued talking about what heâd missed, he wouldnât make it out of that chicken coop for the next several hours, sobbing uncontrollably in the hay with the hens.â
I love your Russell, this makes me so happy!
The Exit Strategy â Part 2
Summary: Russell is ready to hang it all up and retire, open up a brewery, and enjoy the rest of his civilian life. However, thereâs one important thing missing before he can take the big plunge. Luckily, he knows just the right person to help him find it.
Pairing: Russell Shaw x Female!Reader
Warnings: +18, language, minor injuries, a bit of angst, hurt/comfort, fluff, a reunion, more secrets and revelations đ
Word Count: 6.3k
A/N: Guess, the cat's outta the bag! Couldn't reveal too much about the reader beforehand without ruining the surprise now, could I? đ€ Cozy up in your favorite chair with eggnog. Hope you have some lovely holidays, guys â€ïž
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Part 2: This Is a Russell Mission
If Russell hated one thing in this world, it was playing The Waiting Game. The thought of being helplessly stuck inside a car with his hands metaphorically tied behind his back nearly wrecked his sanity. Well, whatever was left of it, anyways.
Colter had a point. Russell knew he could be a little paranoid sometimes, but considering everything heâd seen and done in his life, who could honestly blame him? It was only natural to feel a certain level of paranoia in his particular line of work. It kept him on his toes and, therefore, alive.
But maybe it had nothing to do with the job as he had always told himself. It might have been just a family trait he had inherited. And, well, he hated that fact even more than The Waiting Game.
As he impatiently watched a set of doors once more, he pondered if he was still seeing things clearly or if his kooky mind was playing tricks on him. Adjusting to civilian life wasnât always easy.
What normal people would see as a perfectly nice, faithful woman picking up mail from the post office, Russell saw as a dead-drop pick-up.
There was a construction crew about three hundred yards to his right that seemed to be on constant break by their lack of work ethic. They also took turns to watch the supermarket closely. Ever wondered why there was so much street construction seemingly everywhere and yet Americaâs roads were still full of potholes? Russell didnât.
And then, there was the cashier who handed you a flyer of some sort, which you accepted with a polite smile and stuffed in your purse. Live drop, Russell noted as he watched you walk out of the store hand in hand with your supposed husband.
It was all so abundantly clear to him, he almost couldnât believe no one else could see it. It certainly worried him that Colter couldnât.
What ifâŠ
What if he was in fact seeing things? Things that werenât actually there. Ghosts of his past. No drops, live or dead. No secret surveillance in disguises. No fake husband â just a very real one.
Was that even legal? He figured it was under your new identity.
Russell shook the uncomfortable thought out of his mind and concentrated back on you. You stopped short by a row of shopping carts, exchanged a few words with your âhusbandâ, and headed back inside. His little brother, of course, was hot on your tail, following you back in too.
That was when several alarm bells went off in Russellâs body. His head felt like the Liberty Bell on the Fourth of July. Experience told him: If it smelled like an ambush, it usually was.
Jumping into gear, Russellâs gaze snapped to your husband, who not only unloaded the groceries into the trunk of the car but also loaded a pistol and hid it underneath his sweater vest before heading toward the supermarket again.
Russell sprung into action rather quickly then, snatching his own semi-automatic from the glove compartment. Soon enough, he heard two familiar voices flowing out from a back alley behind the main building. There was no doubt in his mind that it was you and Colter.
As he rounded the corner, he had to stifle a laugh once he saw his little brother down on the ground, straddled by your legs. Russell had found himself in similar positions with you, but they had been mostly out of pleasure.
âIf it helps, my name is Colter. Colter Shââ
âShaw.â
Russell watched as your hold on his brother swayed and shock claimed your expression.
âHiya, sweetheart,â he greeted your eyes with a cheeky smile as warmth spread through his heart.
Fuck, he had missed you.
âRussell?!â
Your jaw had fully dislodged itself as you slowly got back onto your feet and let go of your prisoner. But the shock of seeing your ex here of all places didnât last long till it made way for your anger.
âAre you fucking insane?â You stormed towards him, shoving his chest. Whoa, broad! Shit, what had he done? Spent more time at the gym? âNo, wait, donât say anything. I already know the answer to that one!â
âIâll second that,â Colter chimed in with a groan and dusted off his jeans. He stretched his sore muscles briefly before glaring at his older brother, who only offered him an apologetic smile and a half-assed shrug of one shoulder.
âDid you tell him to follow me?â you asked and pointed an accusatory finger at his younger brother while still glaring daggers at Russell. The similarity between them suddenly struck you, and you cursed yourself for not putting the puzzle pieces together sooner. âWhat was the plan here, huh?â
âOh, trust me, he had no plan,â Colter muttered sourly, still recovering from your attack.
Russell clicked his tongue and sighed, scratching the back of his neck. âLook, heâs right. There wasnât a plan. I just-⊠I had to see you. But once I did, well⊠here we are.â
Full disclosure: There might have been a little bit of a plan. Just tiny, really. Not worth mentioning at all.
You scoffed and shook your head. âYou, of all people, should know better. You couldâve blown our cover. Months of work down the drainâŠâ
âI think your coverâs still good,â Russell assured you with that same old lazy grin of his that was scarily charming and glanced at your partner. âMight wanna call off the cavalry, though.â
You shared a look with Tom, your partner during this mission.
âIâll signal them. Clean up here,â he said, unamused, and disappeared back to the parking lot.
âRoad crew in front of the store?â was all Russell asked. You confirmed it with a simple nod. Internally, he celebrated his little win. His instincts were still intact.
You exhaled a deep breath and threw your hands up. You had been so incredibly relaxed before that menace of a man waltzed back into your life â with a goddamn wrecking ball, no less. Now, the tension was crawling back into your shoulders.
âRuss, what the hell?â
Your question wasnât filled with anger, however. You were just exhausted by todayâs surprising turn of events. The life of a spyâŠ
And probably the life with Russell, too.
âI know. I know, okay?â Russell held up two placating hands. Large hands. Warm. âCan we just talk? Somewhere⊠I donât know.â
With some reservations, you still nodded. âThereâs a church picnic at First Presbyterian tomorrow. It starts at one. We can talk there.â
There had never been a day in your relationship where you had denied that man a thing â till that last day at least.
âChurch picnic?â Russell cocked a brow but was only met with your glare.
âDonât mock. Be there,â you told him firmly and walked back inside the building. You still had to buy that damn milk. Covers were complicated to maintain â much like relationships.
Once you were out of sight, Russell let out a long sigh of relief, followed by a laugh of happiness. Step One was done. Only when the high of his meeting with you subsided, did he notice his brotherâs exasperation.
Colter threw his hands in the air and stared at his sibling with incredulous eyes. âWhat the hell, Russell? What was that, man?â
âRight, yeah.â Russell bobbed his head calmly, smacking his lips. He knew he owed Colter an explanation at this stage of the mission.
âSo, Iâm guessing sheâs not an old Army buddy of yours,â the younger Shaw started.
âNo, not quite. Sheâs in the CIA,â Russell explained at last. He couldnât help the grin. He was sure Colter would laugh about it eventually, too. Well, here was to hoping he would. âWe worked together when we were both stationed in Baghdad. You know how it goes. We met, and a couple of hours later, we were doing it on the kitchen island of some safe house.â
Well, alright, that was braggy. There was a lot more going on than that. Best night of his life, really. But Russell considered it classified.
âRomantic,â Colter scoffed with sarcasm lacing his voice. Honestly, a part of him was happy for Russell. Another part, though, was incredibly furious for obvious reasons. âBut Iâm sorry â you had me stalk a CIA operative? During, what I assume is, some elaborate undercover mission?â
âItâs actually not that elaborate,â Russell quipped with amusement. âYou shoulda seen half the things Iâve seen her do, soâŠâ
âOh, hilarious!â Colter shook his head at his childish brother. âAre you nuts?!â
âI think weâve already established that,â Russell chuckled.
âYou know, if Reenie finds out about this, sheâs gonna kill me,â Colter said, and Russell swore his brother seemed close to breaking into a sweat. âOh, you think this is still funny, huh? Guess who sheâs gonna kill right after? You.â
Russell rolled his eyes at the unnecessary theatrics. âSheâs not gonna find out unless you tell her, brother.â
With pursed lips, Colter nodded in defeat. âCanât say I like you a lot right now, Russell.â
His older brother only snorted a laugh in response. âOh, câmon!â
âYou probably would find it less funny if you had been beaten up by a 5â4â woman,â Colter continued and pressed a hand to his ribcage, wincing. âYeah, pretty sure she cracked a rib or twoâŠâ
âDonât be a baby. Soldier up! Youâre fine.â Russell patted his back roughly and inspected the swelling nose for good measure, causing Colter to groan in pain once more. âAnd by the way, pretty sure sheâs only 5â3â.â
âWhat?! No! Sheâs at least⊠5â4â, okay? Probably even 5â5â,â Colter argued, following Russell back to the truck.
Russellâs lips rose to a teasing smirk. âYeah, you keep telling yourself whatever gets you to sleep at night, little brother.â
âI will, thank you,â Colter deadpanned and unlocked the car. âSo, youâre gonna go to this church picnic thing tomorrow?â
âOh, no, not just me. We are going to this church picnic thing tomorrow,â Russell said with a cheeky grin and slid into the passenger seat.
âWell, you know, technically, Iâve already⊠found her. This is usually where my job ends,â Colter said with a tight smile and popped the key into the ignition.
âYeah, well, not this time,â Russell replied, chuckling. âThis ainât a Colter mission. This is a Russell mission.â
âOh, I got that, yeah. Thank you,â Colter said with a laugh that made his bruised ribs ache. âYou know, you couldâve at least told me she was in the CIA.â
âYeah, probably. But this was more fun,â Russell grinned.
âDid you know this whole time this was a clandestine operation?â
Russell sheepishly twitched his shoulders. âWell, not when we first got to town, but once I saw her in that outfit, I had a pretty strong inkling. Iâm tellinâ ya, even if she had changed her entire life and personality, thereâs no way she would have accepted Jesus Christ as her Lord and savior. I mean, maybe if she suffered a traumatic brain injuryâŠâ Russell mused and then grinned. âOr if she got abducted by aliens!â
âOh, not the UFOs again,â Colter sighed with a shake of his head.
âItâs UAP, man. U⊠A⊠P,â Russell corrected him once again and let the last letter pop from his lips for emphasis.
âUh-huh⊠Did you even need me for this?â Colter leaned back against his seat and quirked an eyebrow.
âHell yeah!â Russell assured eagerly before changing course. He dialed his enthusiasm back a little. âWell, honestly, I just needed your op analyst. I couldâve used one of my guys, but then that wouldâve flagged it with someone upstairs, so⊠But câmon! This was fun, right?â
âI donât know, Russell. I usually prefer my fun to look a little different,â Colter deadpanned.
âWith Reenie?â Russell wagged his eyebrows. The huge smirk on his face spoke volumes.
âWould you stop?!â
ââSides, this is nice, isnât it? Us⊠hanging out?â Russellâs sly grin then morphed into a much softer and genuine smile.
âI guess, yeah,â Colter reluctantly agreed and shrugged his shoulders. But the tiny smile on his face wasnât missed by Russell.
âAlright, letâs get some fuel,â Russell announced and playfully slapped his brotherâs chest. âIâm starving. We also need to find a place where we can park that Airstream of yours. Maybe get a nice fire going, drink a fewâŠâ
âWhat is this? A sleepover? Did you just invite yourself?â Colter really wasnât used to family members dropping in like this, but he couldnât deny that it felt sort of nice, too.
âYeah, I am. I mean, you didnât offer. Wouldâve been the polite thing, you know, considering I saved your ass last time,â Russell retorted puckishly.
Colter exhaled a humorous breath, shaking his head with a chuckle. âAlright, okay⊠Consider yourself invited.â
âSee? Wasnât so hard now, was it?â
Russellâs nerves leaped through the roof as he set foot onto the church grounds. A part of him expected his boot soles to leave burn marks in their wake on the perfectly green and trimmed lawn, considering his extensive list of sins.
Families, children, couples, and the elderly had all gathered in front of the church. There were picnic tables, blankets, even balloons and a banner. His green eyes, however, landed on the giant buffet, his mouth already beginning to water.
Thatâs also where he spotted you, handing out cupcakes and slices of pie with a pious smile on your face. Your hair was stuck behind your ears, a headband keeping it tightly in place. Your dress looked the same, only the flower pattern varied, with a tight cardigan around your shoulders that hid any naked skin.
Deceptively innocent, Russell thought, causing his mouth to water for a different reason.
âYou okay? You nervous?â Colter checked with a curiously raised brow.
âNervous? Me? No.â Russell gave a quick shake of his head, but his eyes were transfixed on you. âGotta admit. That outfitâs doing something to me, though.â
Colter patted his shoulder blade. âYeah, might wanna keep it in your pants, Russ. Pretty sure you get kicked out for impure thoughts.â
Russell snorted a laugh. âYeah, probably.â
The Shaw brothers then made their way over to your stand. Russellâs heart thumped louder with every new step he took towards you. And once he was so close he could smell your irresistible perfume, his smile only widened.
You, on the other hand, played your role flawlessly and pretended you didnât know either brother in front of you. Your brows knit in question, but your devout smile remained the same.
âGentlemen, how can I help you? I donât think Iâve seen you here before,â you said and subtly gestured your head to the pastor next to you.
Russellâs brow raised in understanding. He cleared his throat. âOh, me and my brother just moved here. Looking for a new church. Heard this is the place,â he stated loud enough for the pastor to hear. âYou know, we are very devout Christians. I mean, especially my brother here. If he doesnât pray at least ten times a day, he gets real cranky.â
Colter threw him a look but decided to play along. âOh, yeah, I just-⊠I hate that. Canât pray enough, right?â
âAmen,â you said with all the sincerity you could muster. On the inside, however, you were bursting with laughter. Leave it to Russell to make you smile brighter than the sun.
âWell, youâve certainly come to the right place,â the pastor chimed in with a cheerful smile that spelled kumbaya all the way through as he shook the brothersâ hands. âIâm Pastor Jeff. Welcome to our little congregation, folks.â
âGod can never have enough sheep, am I right?â Russell quipped and wondered how long youâd already been undercover, playing your dutiful role as a Christian housewife. Five sentences in, and he already was at his limit.
âThatâs right!â The pastor grinned broadly. âPlease help yourselves to our delicious buffet.â
âWell, lookey, what do we have here.â Russellâs eyes zoned in on a plate of apple pie, rubbing his palms in delight.
âOh, you have to try the pie,â the pastor eagerly suggested and put an arm around your shoulders. âOur Nora here is an excellent baker. Her desserts are a real trend in our community. It is downright sinful. But shhhh, donât tell the big man upstairs.â
âSecretâs safe with me, pastor,â Russell grinned slyly before meeting your eyes for the briefest second. âSay, do you do marriage counseling too?â
The glare you shot him had enough power to kill him from afar. You might as well have ordered a missile strike on him.
âOh, my, yes, of course!â the pastor eagerly replied, causing your frown to deepen. âAre you married? Having a little trouble with the missus?â
âYou could say that,â Russell earnestly played along and propped up his hands on his hips. âEverything was going fine, you know? And then one morning, just whoosh, gone. No explanation, no letter, no anonymous call from a pay phoneâŠâ
âWowâŠâ The pastor was stunned and enthralled by Russellâs colorful storytelling at the same time. You werenât, however.
âWell, Iâm so sorry to hear that,â you feigned your sympathies with tight lips and a fierce glare at your former lover. âBut you know what they say, the Lord giveth and he taketh awayâŠâ
âYou know, Nora here is right. Our Lord does work in mysterious ways,â the pastor chimed in agreement.
âAmen, Pastor Jeff,â you said, smiling contentiously. âDo you have any idea why your wife left?â
âOh, Iâm afraid sheâs as mysterious as the Lord,â Russell replied.
Crossing your arms over your chest, you forced a tight smile. âI donât mean to overstep, but it sounds like someone was having a little trouble with commitment.â
âIt does,â Pastor Jeff agreed. âWhy do you think that is?â
Clearing his throat uncomfortably, Russellâs head bobbed, his tongue poking the insides of his cheeks. He was definitely feeling a spotlight on him. Even Colter seemed to curiously lean in. Then, the oldest Shaw clicked his tongue. âRough childhood.â
Amused, Colter scoffed under his breath behind him. âYou could say that.â
âOh no.â The pastor sent the brothers a pitying look and turned his attention to the younger Shaw. âAnd what do you do?â
âOh, uh⊠Well, before I moved in with my brother here, I lived in a trailer and traveled all over the country.â
âSounds⊠lonely,â Pastor Jeff stated worriedly.
âYeah, this one is a big lone wolf. He has commitment issues too,â Russell replied, earning him a scolding look from his brother.
âUh, I donât think we need to overshare, Russ.â Colter gave an awkward smile, turning to you and Pastor Jeff. âHeâs kidding. I donât have commitment issues.â
âItâs a sin to lie, Colter,â Russ noted. His tone was serious, but the twinkle in his green eyes was impish.
âWhat happened to your face there?â The pastor cocked his head and inspected the younger Shawâs injuries.
Oof, he looked rough. The skin under his eyes and bridge of his nose were swollen and bruised, ranging in color from blue, purple to black. A thin burgundy line also graced his throat. You had done quite a number on him.
You should kick Russellâs ass for setting you both up like this. Who would do this to their little brother?
âUh, you know, moving boxesâŠâ Colter stammered with a shift of his weight from one foot to the other, pursing his lips.
Russell was a better liar than him, you noted.
âYup, walked straight into one of those wood planks,â Russell added, oozing just the right amount of charm and humor to wrap the pastor around his finger. âTiny thing, honestly, but still got him good.â
Oh, he was so proud of that too, you could tell. He smirked right at you. Well, they were both terrible liars.
âNot that tiny. Big, big plank,â Colter corrected. Apparently, you had bruised his ego, too. âLucky to be alive, really.â
Yeah, he really was.
âWell, speaking of taking things away, I still have to get the eggs from the chickens,â you said, segueing the conversation to an exit strategy. âExcuse me.â
âOh, you have chickens here?â Russell enthusiastically slapped Colterâs arm. âDid you hear that? They have chickens.â
âYeah, uh, very exciting,â Colter said, subtly clearing his throat.
âWeâve always wanted chickens,â Russell clarified for the pastor, joining you by your side as you rounded the table. It wasnât true, though. The brothers actually had a chicken coop at the cabin when they were kids and hated it. The hens were noisy, the rooster was the worst, and it was always a mess to clean up. âI love those clucking little buggers. And now that we have a big backyard⊠Mind if I come along and check out your setup?â
âNot at all,â you replied with a friendly smile.
âGreat. Be right back,â Russell told his brother, hurrying after you before he eloquently made a U-turn back to the stand and grabbed a plate of pie.
âTake your time,â Colter said through a pressed smile, although he wondered how long heâd be stuck here for with the pastor and your fake husband.
âClear,â you said and held the creaking wooden door of the coop open for Russell to follow inside. As soon as it fell shut behind you two, you crossed your arms. âOkay, talk.â
âWhat? Here? Now?â With squinted eyes and a cocked brow, Russell looked around the small and dark space full of farm fowl, hay, and feathers.
You threw your arms up in exasperation. âYou said you wanted to talk, so talk. Whatâs wrong with this place?â
âNothing,â Russell said timidly and swallowed. He scratched the back of his neck. âYou know, I just imagined this conversation a thousand times in my head, and it never happened in a chicken coop on church grounds.â
âAdorable,â you commented unamused, your brow knitting even more.
âAll Iâm sayinâ is, this just takes some time gettinâ used toâŠâ
âGet used to it faster.â
Russell sighed. Then you did.
You softened your stance, crossed arms falling freely to your sides. âIâve missed you,â you said earnestly and gifted him a small smile, taking in his changed appearance for the first time in detail.
He was hairier than you remembered. That you knew for sure. If you went back even further, he was also a lot broader, too. When youâd met, he was just a kid â as were you. It was only in the last few years of your relationship that he started to gain some serious muscle and really began to fill out his uniform. And all of a sudden, the tall and broad-shouldered soldier became more threatening â and more protective.
Now, clean-shaven, young, somewhat naive, and rule-following was replaced by a rebellious, midlife-crisis beard and the matching hair.
Ah, the t-shirt⊠Mötley CrĂŒe. He found that thing eleven years ago at a thrift store in Arizona. It had a (bullet) hole on the left side of his lower back that you had patched â thrice. Once even with teething floss in a tent.
âHow have you been?â
Russellâs head bobbed. He shrugged. âSo-so.â Then he smiled. Soft and warm. The first few rays of sunshine on frozen winter skin. âIâve missed you, too.â Then, the smile disappeared from his lips, replaced by contempt. âGot your divorce papers. Not signing them, by the way.â
âGood.â You smiled weakly. âI didnât want you to sign them. I just sent them to get your attention.â
The relief that surged through Russellâs body was ineffable. For months, he thought heâd lost you â that youâd finally given up on him for good.
âHowâs the new job working out?â
Russellâs lips drew a smirk, flirtatious charm glimmering in his forest green eyes. âWhat, you keeping tabs on me, sweetheart?â
You matched his expression. âWho do you think recommended you, huh?â
Russell stumped for a beat. His lips pursed, eyebrows drawing into a wondering v. âWell, they said someone did. Just didnât think it was you.â
All this time, heâd believed you had crossed him out of your mind with a red pen as soon as youâd walked out the door that very morning.
âI told you. Iâll always look out for you,â you replied simply, a caring smile dancing on your lips. âSo? Did it help? Are you any closer?â
âYeah, guess soâŠâ He paused for a moment, his gaze focused on the tips of his boots as he thought. âNot sure it was worth it, though. Actually, Iâm fucking sure it wasnât.â
You exhaled a long breath. You knew this day would come eventually. You knew heâd come back for you. Granted, you had expected him on your goddamn doorstep years ago, but he never showed. Sending divorce papers was a last resort in hopes heâd wake up then. That had been nine months ago.
âWhy are you here, Russ?â
âThings have changed.â
Ah. That made things perfectly clear.
Lifting a brow, you crossed your arms again. âIs that why you brought your little brother along? As a show of good faith?â
âKinda.â
âPoor Colter⊠Howâs his nose?â
Russell wiped your sincere concerns away with a shrug. âHeâll be fine. Donât worry about it. Just a scratch.â
Just a scratchâŠ
âItâs weird⊠seeing you two together,â you said. For more than fifteen years, you had wondered. A part of you thought this day would never come, so maybe Colter being here was indeed a show of good faith and Russell was finally, finally dealing with his shit.
That man could easily fill the Denver airport with his baggage.
âYou look good,â you noted. You were trained to control your heartbeat, but he had always made your job harder. âDifferent.â
His fingers brushed his beard as if to emphasize the newness. âYeah? You like it?â
âWell, uhm, I donât hate it,â you said rather coyly. Did you want to give him a win? No. But if he stepped any closer, you would falter. Your cheeks blushed as the tip of your shoe drew circles in the sandy ground. Why did your ears suddenly feel so hot?
Russell smiled as heat crept to his cheeks as well. âYour new look is somethinâ, too.â
âGod, shut up.â You rolled your eyes at him but couldnât help the smile that spread across your face.
âOh, I donât think youâre allowed to take the Lordâs name in vain here,â Russell teased. âDonât let good Pastor Jeff hear ya.â
You laughed, scoffing. âI hate that man.â
âPastor Jeff? I can tell,â Russell chuckled in amusement and finally stuffed his face with the first bite of pie, chewing a mouthful as he spoke. âBut câmon, he ainât half bad.â
âReally? You donât wanna shoot yourself after spending five minutes with him? âCause I do. And itâs been months for me,â you said. âYou donât know what that man does in his office.â
âYou bugged his office?â
âAnd the confession booth. Two words: game changer,â you said, wide-eyed. Russell whistled lowly. You narrowed your eyes at the half-eaten plate in his hands and the pie crumbs in his beard. You raised a scolding brow. âDid you really have to bring the pie?â
âDo you even know me at all? Of course I did.â Russell then shoved the last bite into his mouth to prove his petulant point. âDid you actually bake this?â
In expectant offense, you stepped back a little, crossing your arms again. âWhy?â
ââCause itâs good.â
âDo you even know me at all? What dâyou think?â
âThought so.â Russell gave a shrug of his shoulders. âThe first bite of this didnât give me immediate food poisoning.â
âFuck you. Iâm a great cook,â you huffed but couldnât help the grin on your face. You had missed this â the bickering, the bantering, the fun. And Russell, the sly asshole, knew that, judging by his own smirk.
âThereâs a lot of reasons why I love you, but your cooking skills ainât one of âem, sweetheart,â he quipped.
âIâll use you as shooting practice, Shaw,â you threatened playfully. Russell laughed, but it sounded more secretive than a laugh about a joke. âWhat?â
Russellâs eyes found yours. âNothing. This is nice, right? We slid right back into it. Like the last three years never happened.â
âRussâŠâ You sighed, your heart hurting. For you, they happened.
âJust saying it was easy. Thatâs all,â he said with placating hands. âHowâs the family? Howâs your dad?â
That caused you to suck in a breath. You had wondered when he would finally dare to ask. You knew this was the real reason why he was here. âDave finally married Jill last spring. It was a nice wedding. Florence, Italy. Got to wear a sun hat.â
âThatâs good.â Russell smiled softly, although it stung that he wasnât invited. He had always imagined he would be, once your brother popped the question to his longtime girlfriend. After all, Russell was the one who introduced the couple in the first place.
âThey wanted to do it sooner, but because of the pandemicâŠâ
âThey shoulda done it ten years ago. I kept telling him to lock it down,â Russell quipped, the irony not entirely lost on him. He knew even if something was locked down, didnât necessarily mean it would stay forever.
âYou did,â you remembered with a fond smile. âThey wanted you there,â you added, noticing his saddened expression. âItâs just-âŠâ
âNo, I know. Donât worry about it,â Russell brushed it off with all the coolness he could muster at that moment.
âRussâŠâ
âI said itâs fine,â he repeated and forced another smile. âSo, howâs the old man?â
Silently, you bit your lip and sent him a look that spoke volumes.
âUh-oh. That bad, huh?â
âItâs the reason why I moved back here. To be closer⊠As close as I can be with this job. Figured it was best for everyone,â you explained. âIn the beginning, he had a lot of good days, you know? Now they just all seem⊠bad.â
âYeah⊠Iâm sorry,â Russell replied, dumping his empty plate by the chickens. He stepped closer.
Uh-oh. Now, you were in trouble.
âIâm sorry, too.â
Russellâs brow jumped up. âWhat are you sorry for? Itâs your dad.â
âI know. But⊠he kinda was yours too, right?â Russellâs green eyes meeting yours confirmed your statement. âHe still talks about you on his good days. God knows you couldnât throw a football before you met him.â
âHey, thatâs not true. I could throw the old pigskin around perfectly fine,â Russell defended.
You snorted. âYou could not,â you argued with a teasing smile. âYou knew how to kill sweet little forest critters and turn your pee into drinking water. But you did not know how to throw a damn ball.â
âYouâre never letting the pee thing go, are you?â
You shrugged. âIt was a very memorable trip.â
Russell laughed at that. Then the melancholic sadness returned to his face. âHowâs-, uhm, howâs Lewis?â
Heâd made it through the list of your relatives, finishing with the most important one. And it stung so unbearably much it broke your heart for him. But in the end, you knew heâd done it to himself.
Fighting the tears in your eyes, you forced a smile to your lips. âHeâs good. Heâs a sweet boy. Keeps asking questions about his daddy that I donât know how to answerâŠâ you scoffed humorlessly but decided to forgo the pettiness. It would be so easy to be mad at him, but not even on your darkest days could you do it. âHeâs starting school this fall.â
âSchool, huh?â Russell huffed a devastating chuckle, the tears brimming in his eyes as the lump in his throat only grew. âShitâŠâ
It was getting to him, you could see, and he hadnât expected that it would. Knowing Russell, he probably figured he could push through the pain and be fine. But he had never really been fine since the day you met him â and he wasnât this time either as he squeezed his eyes shut, trying to blink the tears away, and turned his back to you with a hand clasped over his mouth.
âShould I stop?â
It felt like you were torturing him with a cruel new method of some PsyOp. Even if you had cursed this man for the past three years, your heart refused to see him hurt.
But Russell shook his head, finding your eyes again. He offered you a weak smile. âNo, uh, donât. Just tell me something about him, okay? Iâm fine. Please.â
Sighing, you nodded in acceptance. âWhen my dad was better, he and Dave would take him fishing a lot. He loved it. Heâs in his âbackyard adventuresâ phase,â you said, giggling softly. âHeâs catching frogs and releasing them in the house. Never imagined Iâd wake up with an amphibian on my head. Itâs been a delightful experience.â
Russell laughed, but it was feeble at best. âI can imagineâŠâ
And I canât imagine I missed it all, he thought self-punishingly. But the hard part still hadnât come yet.
âAnd, uhmâŠâ Russell wrung for words, taking a deep breath. âHowâs the baby? Is itââ
âShe,â you stated, watching him swallow upon your correction. âHer nameâs Amelia. She turned two in April.â
âHuh, girlâŠâ His heart beat faster, grew bigger, and painfully yearned. His feet trembled to get home, wherever that was, and see them, but he knew he couldnât. It wasnât so easy, after all. âGuess I was rightâŠâ he said with a sad smile.
You had been sure youâd have another boy. However, Russell had bet you ten meatball subs â your craving at the time â that it wasnât.
âWhat happened to Ann? Thought thatâs the name we picked,â Russell teased in hopes of lightening the mood.
âYeah, well, if you wanted a say, maybe you shouldâve been thereâŠâ you retorted.
Russell shouldâve known winning you over wouldnât be as simple as spelling the ABC.
âYouâre the one who left,â Russell muttered finger-pointing-ly under his breath.
âDonât pretend you donât know why,â you bit glaringly.
Russell swallowed lightly, nodding. âYouâre right. I do. Iâm sorry.â Pausing, his eyes glanced around the coop before he gestured with a hand at your outfit, looking you up and down. âSo, speaking of the kids, whatâs going on here? Thought you were done with the deep-covers,â he changed the subject with a clear of his throat.
He knew if he continued talking about what heâd missed, he wouldnât make it out of that chicken coop for the next several hours, sobbing uncontrollably in the hay with the hens.
âI was. Had a desk job. KindaâŠâ A desk job in the CIA still never really was a desk job. âI was station chief in Paris.â
âParis, huh? Fancy,â Russell said, but the joke didnât reach the crinkles around his eyes.
âItâs the job I took after I left. We only moved back to the States in the beginning of the year,â you explained. âThe kids loved it there, though. Lewis still gets a craving for crĂȘpes every once in a while.â
Russell chuckled, even though every story added another bruise to his heart.
âAnyways, I got a job at Langley. Desk. Bought a house not too far from here, actually. Itâs nice. Got a big backyard. Even bigger oak tree,â you told him with a smile. âLewis wants me to build him a treehouse, but Iâm not sure I can swing it.â
âI could help,â Russell offered, trying to keep his eagerness at bay when truly all he wanted was to race there and build the damn thing now. âI mean, if I can come by sometimeâŠâ
Your heart sank. âYou can always come home. You always could, Russ.â
Home.
That four-letter word filled him with so much warmth and longing it brought back the tears in his eyes.
âSo, uhm, why are you here and not there then?â This time, he switched the topic because he wouldâve kissed you if he hadnât. âYou running a sting on the pastor orâŠ?â
âOne of his sheep.â
âAh.â Russell nodded. âNeed any help?â
âFrom you and Colter?â
âYeah.â
âNo, thank you.â
âOh, câmon, just lemme help. The faster you get this done and over with, the sooner you can stop clutching your fake pearls and get home to the kids,â Russell reasoned.
You sighed, knowing he was partially right. You did hate your disguise as much as you hated the annoyingly nosy pastor. Moreover, you missed your children a fucking lot. It had already been three months. Fall was coming soon, and you had promised your son youâd be home by his first day of school.
âCâmon, how did they lure you back in, huh? Whoâs the naughty little sheep youâre working?â
âCanât talk about this here,â you told him, automatically lowering your voice. It was hard to remember who you were right now, when what you were used to be was standing right in front of you.
Russell quirked a brow. âDid you bug the coop, too?â
âNo, the pastorâs scared of the chickens, which is why I didnât bother. But you never know if someone else isnât listening. Weâve already shared too much. We shouldnât do this here,â you insisted, and Russell nodded in agreement. He knew the dangers as well as you did.
âThen where?â
You exhaled a deep breath and thought for a moment. You wanted to see him again. You knew he didnât just come find you to catch up and then leave again.
âCome by the house tonight. Make it look natural. Iâll invite you guys to dinner as a sort of friendly welcome wagon to the neighborhood. The pastor is gonna buy it in a heartbeat. Just give me a good reason to invite you over.â
Russell nodded in understanding. âAlright.â
Part 3: This Is a Heart-To-Heart â SOON đ
Welp, seems like Russell omitted having a wife and two kids... đđ
I'll post the next part in the beginning of the new year or straight after Polaris has finished. We'll see âșïž
Enjoy the rest of your holidays, loves! Can't wait to read your comments on this one đđ€
TAGS:
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@deansbbyx @foxyjwls007 @ladysparkles78 @roseblue373 @zepskies
@agalliasi @yvonneeeee @hobby27 @iamsapphine @globetrotter28
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@deansimpalababy
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Au where Zuko also is a prodigy + has white flames
Hello, anon!!
When Zuko is born, he's born as a powerful bender. Ozai is very happy to see a strong flame in his son and it keeps Zuko from being in danger of being killed. Zuko is allowed to be a normal kid for a few years (because Ozai knows an infant isn't going to firebend) and Ursa tries to raise him as best she can but Ozai is also pretty much there from the start which keeps Zuko from fully learning from his mom like he did in the show. Instead, Ozai raises Zuko and Azula to be mini versions of himself and since Zuko is also a prodigy now, Ozai has two weapons who want to earn his favor. Ursa, again, tries to do what she can for her children but there isn't much that can be done once Ozai gets his hooks in them. (Azula: Zuzu! Look what I learned! *Does a kata* Zuko: Yawn. I learned that move five weeks ago, Lala. And I got it down in one session. Azula: That's impossible! No one can master it that fast. Zuko: Well, I am father's oldest prodigy. The one who will be taking over for him one day. I think you are....Oh, how did that general put it? The spare. The forgotten child. Azula, angry: Yeah, well-have you learn the Flying Dragon move yet? Zuko:.....I'm going to very soon. Azula: I've already started. Zuko: I'll have it mastered by the end of the week. Azula: A move so complex even uncle struggled with it? I'm sure.)
When Lu Ten is killed and Ozai asks for the throne, Azulon orders him to kill Azula because Zuko is the older child, male, and a prodigy as well (Azula is powerful, yes, but Ursa and Ozai can always have another kid as far as Azulon is concerned since they already had two prodigies. The new child will just be a bit younger than their older brother. Nothing that would seriously hurt the family in the long run). Azula panics and flees to her mother, begging her for any kind of help. Ursa makes the same deal she does in canon but this time, since she did it for Azula and Ozai agreed to kill her, Azula starts to wonder if her father really is as amazing as she once believed him to be. She spends the next few years starting to doubt her father more and more but keeping quiet because she's not an idiot. There is no Agni Kai scene since Zuko never speaks out. Ozai raised him here. If anything, he would be congratulating the general on his plan. Rather, Ozai keeps both him and Azula around to train until they are 14 and 16 which is when Azula gets her blue fire and Zuko gets his white flames. (Zuko: White flames are better. Azula: Huh? That's interesting. I could have sworn blue fire burned hotter than white. Zuko: Just means you're going to burn out before me.)
Aang is still broken out of the ice by Katara and Azula is sent after them (because...again spare heir). Azula eventually catches up to them and pretty much partakes in Zuko's role in canon except she had the authority to throw Zhao off a boat. But, since Aang is constantly slipping through her fingers, Ozai takes her off of the mission and puts Zhao in charge. Azula, not wanting to fail in her first mission outside the Fire Nation, ignores her father's order to return home and follows the Avatar to the North Pole. Zhao still murders the moon (Azula: How did this man become an admiral?) and is then killed by the ocean spirit. Azula fails in getting the Avatar again but refuses to stop in her mission, making it clear to the team that she is still after them. Meanwhile, Ozai realizes Azula is not returning and sends Zuko after the Avatar and her. (Ozai: Azula is a failure. I have a task for you, my son. Capture the Avatar and your sister and bring them here. Do you understand? Zuko: I do, father.)
Zuko and Azula quickly start competing with one another to try and capture Aang. Zuko had more resources behind him since Ozai isnât currently mad at him, but Azula has more experience fighting Aang (basically Zuko gets taken out by airbending and waterbending more than Azula does). Now, because both siblings trained under Ozai theyâre both incredibly smart as well as powerful. Zuko knows Azula is going to get Mai and Ty Lee and decides to recruit Mai before Azula can get to her, so it becomes Azula and Ty Lee vs Mai and Zuko for who can capture Aang first. When Ba Sing Se comes around, both siblings have the idea to sneak in but while Azula and Ty Lee sneak in with the Kyoshi Warrior disguises, Zuko and Mai sneak in as refugees. In the upper ring with the Gaang, Azula believes she had the advantage and decides to act and capture Katara. Her plan is to use Katara as bait and then attack and capture Aang when he comes to free her. Meanwhile, Zuko and Mai are in the lower ring and make their way up to the upper ring while chatting which is when Mai realizes that the Zuko she knew is kinda gone. Zuko at 10 and Zuko at 16 are two very different people after 6 years under Ozai. She tries not to let it bother her but itâs very clear. Eventually, the final fight breaks out and ends with Azula aiming the lightning at Aang but Zuko, who refuses to let Azula win, takes the lightning blast and sends it back at her. The blast is strong enough to disorient everyone and knock Aang out, who is quickly captured by Zuko. He and Mai flee the city before they can be stopped leaving the Gaang without an Avatar (thankfully in a still standing Ba Sing Se) but with a captured Royal and acrobat.
Ozai isnât happy. Zukoâs job was to bring Azula back but instead he just did half of his job. Zuko tries to argue that Azula is taken care of since sheâs in enemy hands. (Zuko: I give her a week before they kill her for not giving up information. Ozai: I didnât ask for the Earth Kingdom to kill her. I asked you to bring her back! Zuko: Father, please, IâŠ.I thought it would be a good idea for the war. Ozai: Explain. Zuko: Sozinâs Comet is coming soon but we havenât been seeing a spike in morale- Ozai: Youâre too concerned with regular soldiers, Zuko. Zuko: I know, but hear me out. How would citizens feel when they find out the enemy murdered the princess? The princess who was trying to save her nation from Ba Sing Seâs tyranny gave her life to defend the Fire Nation. Ozai:âŠ.Hmmmm. I will consider this. Itâs not a horrible idea. Youâre dismissed. Zuko: Thank you, father.) Meanwhile, Azula is very much alive and pissed at Zuko for abandoning her in the city. The Gaang knows they have to get Aang back if they want any shot at ending the war and, to do that, they have to get into the Fire Nation. Thankfully, they just so happen to know a familiar princess who knows the nation like the back of her hand. The Gaang make a deal with Azula and Ty Lee: they help them get into the Fire Nation in exchange for saving them from Earth Kingdom execution. Azula initially refuses, saying she doesnât want to betray her father or her nation. However, it becomes clear to her that this might actually be a blessing, a way to return to the Fire Nation with the Avatarâs team, capture them all and stop the eclipse invasion: three birds with one stone. After talking to Ty Lee, Azula agrees and the five head off towards the Fire Nation.
#I stopped here because Iâm unsure of what should happen next#my brain tells me that this could easily be#Azula betrays them and the Fire nation wins the war or she helps them end it#I donât know#đ«Łđ«Łđ«Ł#AU#Zuko#prodigy Zuko#Azula#the Gaang#ozai#avatar the last airbender#Mai#Ty lee#Ursa#aang#send me an au and Iâll write five headcanons for it
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i dont know what the plan is now, i have never had a plan for anything, but i dont want to delete the previous posts bc it feels like im trying to sweep things under the rug or act like they didnt happen
#ganondoodles talks#personal#i wish it was easier to know when to stand my ground and when to see i am wrong or when to ignore things#i am a chronical self doubter so even for the most obvious things when someone talks against me theres a moment i am hit with doubt#someone could tell me 'ganondorf is actually a perfectly true representation of all arabic people at once (somehow)'-#and i will go 'wait is he??' no hes not you idiot you know it isnt you spend alot of time learning about it the fuck#if it werent for those horrible scary (rare-not online) meltdowns i think how easily i am to doubt myself and be influenced by others is-#-what makes me feel the most childish#idk if thats an autism thing or just a me thing#even when theres a belief or opinion that is cemented into my brain unchangibly i still doubt if its right or if i am allowed it somehow#its such a contradictory thing again. easily influenced and made to doubt myself but also immovable .. even on dumb things#like theres nothing that can change how i feel about totk but i still doubt it anyway#what if i am wrong and an idiot and everyone saying the opposite of me is actually more right?? (still doesnt change opinion but doubt tm)#also can tumblr plese stop recommending me suicidal tags when i type 'what if' in here???????????????#i am trying to get OUT and AWAY from that as far as possible i dont find it funney hehe#(and i dont think i typed any of those phrases before)
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I occasionally wish to reach out to old friends/acquaintances I haven't spoken to since high school/some other even earlier time in my life, but I have SOOO little social energy even for required tasks (like making dr phone calls or etc), I never have any leftover for extra ones, and it would be very odd to message someone I haven't spoken to in like 5 years out of the blue but then take 4 entire months to respond back lol.. My natural curiosity with nostalgia/collecting details of the past/etc. (literally if I were born a little earlier I would definitely do scrapbooking or something lol) is very strong, but, alas, not strong enough to beat out the Social Issues Demons apparently
#facebook always does that 'here's a post from this day 8 years ago' thing. and I see old comments interacting#with people and it's so like.. OOOOO~~ where are they now?? what's going on? how much have they changed as people?#how much are they the same? this is fascinating. i should contact them!!' but then it's like... take that to it's logical conclusion though#you would contact them and then IF they even responded it would take you 80 years to respond and then they would#think there was something wrong or that you were trying to be insulting or something. To contact anyone I need to include an 85 page#disclaimer of all of my social issues & mental illness things. 'If i take 3 weeks to reply I promise it has nothing to do with u' etc lol#THIS is why more people need to be into phone calls/voice calls/some form of audio real time communication/etc.#I think one of the main things that's hard about messaging through text for me is it's so unscheduled and open ended#(plus it takes forever if you're talking about anything in detail and gets very long very quickly)#because like you can send a message and then just get a reply whenever. and then you're expected to reply back whenever#so it's like you never know when the response will come or when a new obligation to reply can come up? so it's like this sudden thing with#no outline?? if that makes sense. whereas a phone call is very like 'hello let's schedule a call from 10am - 2pm on thursday'. And you know#EXACTLY when the interaction will start and EXACTLY when it will end and you can plan around it in your schedule easily.#I have the reverse thing of a lot of people (how people don't pick up phone calls/hate calls/only text)#I would literally talk on the phone with a stranger. I would have a discord voice chat with someone I barely know.#if someone I hardly even remember from elementary school asked to have a voice call with me out of nowhere I would do it.#but if a stranger MESSAGED me?? or someone I barely know sent me a TEXT or something?? I will never reply probably#It's just too vague and weird. and you can't read voice tone over text. and the interaction could last forever with no clear end#point and etc. etc. But a call is like. set. established. clear boundaries. you can read the flow of conversation better. rapport. etc. etc#I get that I guess people feel more anonymous or distanced over text?? but you can have fake phone numbers on the computer. or do like disc#rd calls. or zoom without a camera or etc. etc. Also the distance that's present in text is BAD distance because it just means that tone is#not conveyed properly and you will never truly get a sense of the person's conversational vibe or mannerisms or how well you really click.#ANYWAY ghgjh...... I'm so so so interested in concepts of like.. How did that one kid I used to talk to in elementary school#but then they moved away in 5th grade - how did they end up? what are they doing now?? etc. etc. Like despite the severe social anhedonia#and general lack of connection with others I'm just really fascinated in like.. idk. the human development of it all and like#the concept of how we're actually a million different people through the course of our lives ever evolving in different iterations and etc.#PLUS again. i love nostalgia. sometimes old peple you know might remember a shared memory or can tell you about something you forgot#or etc. like it's SUCH A COOL THING in CONCEPT but I am too socially inept generally speaking lol. which people I still talk to today are#familiar with my 'phone call once every few months' communication style. but strangers would just be like... wtf. And I don't blame them#Sure I literally cannot change the physical health + brain issues i have - but also I know enough to not put others through that lol
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If all the AI fragments could each take an animal form what animals do you think theyâd take?
furries of the fandom help me
#thereâs a 10% chance Iâm actually going to do soemthing with this#rvb#red vs blue#I WILL say I will count Human as an animal. but Iâd like to keep the human forms at a minimum. alpha and beta only imo#owls are typically seen as intelligent so maybe delta would be an owl?#sigma is a snake is pretty obvious I feelâŠthe idea of him being a fox is funny thoâŠFirefoxâŠlol#my brain is telling me omega would be a Tiger but ehhh Iâm skeptical about it but also I canât think of anything better#theta could be a dogâŠlike a puppy#Iâm struggling with gammaâŠcuz he could just as easily be a snake or fox for the same reasons as sigma#I like the idea of gamma being a hyena thoâŠlaughter and all that#but I would also personally kind of wanna keep the animals simple. like you could quickly doodle them and know what animal it is#I canât remember if itâs eta or iota that represents fear but that one could be a rabbit#eta and iota rabbit and hare maybe
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sorry for disappearing. I promised I wouldn't do that again but it's always the thing I fall back on in desperate times. idk how to stop doing that
I'm just so tired and in pain, I wanna lay down and cry and never get back up again
#wish i could cry. as it is the tears are pressing on my eyes but cannot come out. it hurts. i wish it wouldn't hurt#all i can do is sleep as much as i can whenever i can. no other way to escape it all#trying to plan my mental illness breakdown around my work hours so my coworkers don't have to worry#i actually like being at work and putting on a smile and acting bright and bubbly comes to me so easily#but i feel the tiredness creeping in. making work a bit more difficult and i don't like that#my brain is starting to merge dreams and reality in a way that hard to tell apart#it's also whispering evil things into my ear. like: you're not mentally ill there's no official diagnosis so better be sane and normal#or: you're making it all up. stop with that. just be normal. <- about literally every single thing#<- like me dealing with depression and anxiety and probably no small amount of trauma and gender dysphoria? NOT REAL according to my brain#which is. idk i KNOW i struggle with all of these things and there have been suspicion diagnoses#but no actual 100% confirmed diagnoses and that fact is fueling my brain in whispering these mean things to me#and i'm just so very very tired of it all... i don't want to fight anymore but i'm also too scared to take any kind of final action#sorry...#delete later
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everyone likes to tell me that real friends exist, the right people for me exist, i'll find them, I just have to look, keep trying. etc.
but no one tells me how, where to look, or how to know who "the right people" even are!
not to mention the fact that I'm getting too old to "make friends" because it's mainly expected of kids/teens to do that. older adults are supposed to have their people already. most adults my age already have their established friend groups that i'm not allowed to join. or they're all pairing off and prefer their partners over friends. or I just simply can't relate or bond with them because we have nothing in common.
#autistic#autism#actually autistic#autism things#neurodivergent#adhd#audhd#autistic friendship#friendship problems#friends#the people who tell me these things never want to step up and try to be that person either so I mean đ€·ââïž#they won't tell me how and where and won't be an example. like how am I supposed to know what a good friend looks like if I never had one?#how am I supposed to know what the âright peopleâ look like and where they are!!#this has to be one of those secret things other people just naturally *know* that I don't. right?????#most others dont seem to have any problems with it and assume I can do it easily!#the older I get the more I lose hope i'll find ~my people~ or where I belong and true friends....#lee rambles#how cruel is this universe to make me want nothing more than to have solid and deep connections then deny me that#i wish to be able to accept that im meant to always be alone and embrace being a lonely as hell and learn to like it đ„Č#most of my problems and mental anguish would magically disappear if i could convince my pathetic brain to accept that!
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Anyway, because I'm considered a bigger creator within the mogai community and I have a responsibility to address things given my bigger audience-
Please remember that Tumblr, especially LGBT Tumblr concerning discourse and intracommunity issues, is a hyper niche, reactive, violent, sensitive community with next to zero basis in reality at large and you should not take any of its opinions as absolute fact. Especially the mogai community's opinions.
A lot of people on mogai Tumblr talk big game with very clearly fake the-whole-bus-clapped stories about the real world concerning acceptance towards mspec monos, Neopronouns and Xenogenders and it's my job as an adult and guiding voice to remind people these experiences may happen but rarely do and you absolutely should not just tell random people you use purr/purrs pronouns or your a bi gaybian or you identify as Chronosian or other things like that because it's really fucking dangerous even in hyper progressive places like new york, cali and Detroit. It can be deadly in many many small towns, including ones in progressive states. Especially dangerous in non accepting states.
I don't say this to burst your bubble or ruin your hopeful world view but many stories of acceptance are fake, even if some are true, most of the community is underage and just cause your teacher may approve of your Soniccharic identity, doesn't mean they won't tell your transphobic parents. It's scary and dangerous out here for trans and gay people rn and I won't be one of the idiots who tell you to run and frolic with your Xenogender pins Infront of increasingly hostile transphobes. I want the younger gen z trans people to survive and I won't lie to you about the reality of the battle we all are staring down concerning project 2025.
Most of the people telling these stories live in progressive states and do not tell you about the failed times or exaggerate the acceptance they supposedly received. I'm telling you from the mouth of someone who grew up in a tiny town in South Ohio with less than 1,000 people, it's still just as dangerous as it was 10 years ago. I still get followed in my home town. I still get stares in my home town. My actual home town, a place I grew up in where people knew me as the gnc dyke for a good while in my last 2 years of school. Do not spread this shit around to everyone. Nex didn't think they would become a victim, Brianna didn't think she would be one of the unlucky ones, plenty of those we've lost did not think they would die in hate crimes. I almost died in two of the hate crimes I've experienced.
You need to be really fucking careful and although I love than Neopronouns and Xenogenders are becoming more accepted by the larger LGBT community, you need to be very very VERY careful about what you do, what you wear and who you tell what because word spreads fast in suburbia and hate spreads faster. You do not want to be wearing a pin the day some white cishet magat decides he's tired of the "pedophiles" and chooses you as the first victim because you were the first he saw. Don't hide who you are but Be. Fucking. Careful.
#clover speaks#im not being a doomist and i wont stand those allegations but some of yall telling these kids and teens the world is totes cool#with no-c paras and therians and bi lesbians have lost the plot and are gonna get these kids killed#especially considering i grew up very rural and none of the advice about presenting trans could possibly apply to me#thats why i say urban and even semi urban lgbt people should not be giving advice to rural lgbt people#nothing you say can apply to us because it is that dangerous#i still get followed as a fucking 23 yr old adult around my town#the one time an lgbt club tried to get established at my highschool the posters were ripped to shreds and there were both#bomb and shooting threats#people talking about setting the school on fire so they could quote pop the faggots one by one as they came running out#im so happy you live in a privileged Massachusetts school district with loving teachers who accept your system identity#please dont encourage the children in alabama and ohio to follow suit because you will get their naive asses killed#urban queer advice dosent apply to rural lgbt people#thats another thing ive seen be said by urban lgbt people that queer is no longer a slur used that way and has been totally reclaimed#great guess half my family and all my achool bullies were really just showing solidarity and i took it the wrong way#say youve never truely felt mortal danger in your small Christian home town cause your ex told pple your trans without saying it#like really#the privilege just jumps right out#that was the stupidest so and so is terf rhetoric to date and yall tme people just scarfed that shit down#ill never drop that veiw because i and many others can attest to it#surprise queer can be a slur an identity and a community all at the same time shocking ik#and if your offended because people are calling your identity a slur i ask whats dyke and faggor now#cause thoss were reclaimed waaaayyyyy before queer was and you still acknowledge their status as slurs#infact i remember seeing maps of slur usage on twitter from 2020 when that discourse was popular and queer#was the bigots favorite slur for us not dyke or faggot#i cant believe the brain rot on this site sometimes#itd be so funny as entertainment if yall werent using it to question and harass lgbt people with ptsd over it for litteral years#ik because i was one of the people harassed :)#i dont forget this shit so easily#sorry for the rant lol
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In today's episode of 'Sae, do you (...)': the topic of Ningguang and Yelan, and I thought that I should note my opinion more clearly outside of my rules as it's very important information for my portrayal: I do not ship Ningguang and Yelan romantically.
Honestly, while this is of course my own opinion, I don't find that there's anything to really substantiate a romantic interest between the two. For starters, I don't think that Ning, as interesting of a character as she is with a past that might just be similar in its 'rise' to Yelan's (we're left with very little information on the latter's childhood), ticks the right kind of boxes for her, though to be fair: not many do. Yelan craves a specific sort of thrill in her life, I mean she lives it at the roll of a dice because she is, on some level, bored, and craves the unexpected, the unusual, the 'surprise', and Ningguang's life nor personality seem to play into that. Beyond it, Yelan would need a kinship within this very specific 'loneliness' that I talk about too often and I think that Ning is not one who quite meshes into that in the right way.
Second, despite their long-standing history that even predates their mutual involvement with the Qixing, there seems to be a certain professional distance between the two that I'm quite fond of that is shown in brief event cutscenes, and also Yelan's vision story, that I find inherently intriguing. Perhaps this distance plays more into Yelan's character of not investing too heavily, or rather not too easily, into social dynamics than it does Ning's (I'm not one to weigh in on her character), but it seems evident to me that there's also that semblance of professionalism that creates a line that takes away the possibility of growing closer on an emotional level. And whether that's a mutual decision or not is not up to me to judge, but I think it's one that's made rather clearly from Yelan's side. On top of that, Yelan is Yelan and it's my personal belief that shipping her is rather difficult.
Now I'm also inherently of the opinion (unpopular, I know, I apologize) that dynamics aren't always more interesting when written in romantic settings, and I don't think it's a benefit for all of them to veer into a romantic nature. And in my opinion (and most importantly: in my depiction and understanding of Yelan's character), I think that having Ning and Yelan cross the line from professionalism into something inherently more rooted in romanticism, would be a detriment to their dynamic. Because honestly, I think the fact that Ningguang being one of two people (other being Uncle Tian) to know Yelan best, without ever crossing that line, is too good. I would simply, well, just prefer to keep that not only platonic, but professional, but of course not excluding it of Yelan's quips, and the occasional 'confidant' element.
/rambles in tags because I feel like I have more to say that I shouldn't flood the post with.
#[ psa. ] seeing isn't always believing. and if you can't trust your eyes; you certainly can't trust rumors.#[ also; and this is where you'll learn more about my 'single-ship' self-- i love the concept of ningguang and beidou. ]#[ and i wouldn't want to take away from that dynamic /in my own head/. it's not about what others do/see/view. but about my own head. ]#[ if i did ship it-- it'd counter that dynamic and i don't like that (again: in my own brain). ]#[ i'm an odd rper in that sense; but i almost have difficulty straying from this... single verse concept. ]#[ in my head i tie specific characters to other specific characters after a lot of thought and i don't commit to those thoughts easily. ]#[ but then i construct this entire huge narrative in my head that's almost like its own book. ]#[ and so i can't easily 'copy' that multiple times for multiple ships. does that make sense? ]#[ but /because/ i do that-- i heavily scrutinize dynamics across the board and it's where a lot of my enjoyment as a writer comes from. ]#[ these analyses of specific characters and dynamics. why are they the way that they are? ]#[ it's psychology. i love it. it's not just saying 'i love finding out what makes characters tick' but it's actively really going... ]#[ 'yeah okay i could ship these-- but is there basis for it and /why/ and /in what capacity/ and specifically: /would they decide to/? ]#[ sometimes i tell myself that i'm not made for rp'ing because i'm too analytical meshed in with too much emotion. ]#[ because i get too invested. ]#[ but i just-- i don't know. i wanted to kind of explain why pointing stuff like this out is important to me and my portrayal. ]#[ especially for yelan who has such a... god; it's almost an unhealthy headspace. you can't mesh that with just anyone. ]#[ the person has to /really get it/ and understand it almost on this level that isn't logical for most humans. because it's unusual. ]#[ but it's important that it's understood /by another human being/. ]#[ and i also think some people genuinely don't mesh in /that/ way. some can mesh perfectly platonically in my head and then... ]#[ not at all romantically. but when /my head/ has decided that this is how it is-- i respect when people disagree; i do. ]#[ i will never say that my opinions are the be all end all for other yelans or even yelan's character in specific. ]#[ as much as i like to think i analyze-- /i could be wrong/. ]#[ but all in all; i do respect if people disagree. but there's just certain opinions i have for my own portrayal that i need to note. ]#[ but also-- a little explanation as to why i'm single-ship more often than not. i wish i could budge how my brain works. but alas. ]#[ /sips coffee past midnight. ]#[ it's been a day. it really has been a day; i need to make my own serotonin tomorrow. i miss writing. ]
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Finished the Hell's Paradise anime and really REALLY you're gonna end it there? I want my closure in anime format as well right now pls and thank you this is just mean
#txts#i did read the manga fully#in a single sitting so no names got saved#especially tensen wise bc...guys.....i am bad with simple names dont add monikers etc onto it#oh wait i think i remember this one-aaaand they're dead now...okay...alright#to be fair its literally everyone#idk why this manga has me so bad with names i swear i am not usually THAT bad with them#i know what happens and who ppl are and how everything works who lives who dies and so on#but i could not tell you what anyone is called here#aside from Gabimaru#literally the one exception i easily remember#everyone else....i need to work on remembering again#anyWAY this turned into a side tangent#its just kinda funny bc its def one of my fav mangas#do not ask me why#i could not tell you#just scratches a good itch with everything going on in there i guess#but my brain just can not retain basic information i GUESS#hells paradise#jigokuraku
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due to Life Shit I kind of stopped drawing much about a year or two after I graduated high school bc I just kind of didnât have the time or mental/emotional/physical capacity to fit it in, despite art being something I really want to be a part of my career. It kind of makes me sick to realize how much muscle memory I lost just from that time (I had only about a year and a half total of absolutely no art but that was enough. doesnât help that during that time I seriously injured my hands) considering Iâve been drawing my entire life. I really wish things had not gone that way and that I could have kept going, but expectations were on me to do something else and any time I sat down to draw was treated as wasting time. Thereâs also something weird about recovering from severe trauma that kind of adjusts how you engage with a hobby you used as a coping mechanism, which Art very much was. I almost never drew vent art, but I used it to focus on something and make myself happy and proud of work I actually could do, and once I was out of the environments that funneled me into drawing (being forced to go to church, school, anything involving sitting down for a long period of time) I found less time to actually have an excuse. Someone bought me a single college course of art classes right out of high school, and I think that was where I COULD have had the opportunity to really get started if I had actually had the money to continue and the college hadnât been so far away. After that course ended I didnât have that excuse anymore. I used to draw in DeviantArt and Discord art groups, but those began to fall apart and soon I didnât have that option either. After that I doodled but didnât really create Full Pieces unless some friend asked it of me, and it was never a commission bc Iâd never trained myself to get that sort of shit done without taking too long, so Iâd always do it for free. So even that wasnât a big motivator eventually. Now that Iâm struggling for work after becoming more physically disabled after COVID, all that time I could have spent honing my art skills so I could do SOMETHING with my art really is weighting down on me. I have the option to do freelance work, illustrations, pet commissions, even things like cards and cookies. Iâve seen these avenues open up for me gradually, but Iâve lost the skills I built up that I need to actually make something Iâm proud of. Iâve taken to tracing old art to try and remember my thought process and my âstyleâ⊠but my memory was bad BEFORE the covid, and itâs worse now, and my brain fog makes it hard to focus even if I could get back on the train of thought. I donât remember the construction that would be in my mindâs eye. I barely can keep a clear vision in my mindâs eye anymore, worryingly. I never had a crystal clear imagination, it was always sort of abstract, but I could see the lines, I could construct a scene. Now I have to focus hard to get any sort of detail clear in my head. Itâs like if you tried to look directly into someoneâs face in a dream, or put in a prompt in neural blender. So I have to adjust to performing the entire thought process physically, slowly and tediously trying to figure out what Iâm imagining before I can really get started. Those old art tutorials for constructing shapes and bodies and such just arenât coming naturally anymore so I have to dredge deep into my mind to remember which advice helped âclickâ the best and knowing it might not do it this second time around. Itâs like if you forgot how to ride a bike. It was something natural to you, you could even get started haphazardly and distracted and still be able to tell where you were going and not fall over or trip on yourself, but now itâs like you have to focus on each step and it constantly feels like itâs taking everything you have to not crash. Iâm glad I can start drawing again, but it hurts that something so huge in my life has been turned into this. Iâve ranted about it before itâs just easier to notice when youâre not sketching out peopleâs pets or doing super stylized doodles.
#I didnât know you could max out a âtext blockâ on tumblr also. my indication to stop LOL#long post#vent#kind of. Iâm not like super angsty abt it Iâm just sad that I have to spend more time remembering#instead of actually accomplishing anything with my dreams. Iâm 26 and thereâs 18 year olds living my fucking dream yknow#I know you donât have a certain age requirement for art but I also know you never stop improving#and being set back before I was even proud enough to set prices for my work is kind of devastating#I just love art. I want to be an animator or something involve with creative concepts.#I want to make things Iâm proud of. but what used to come easily now feels like chewing nails#the metal ones not the cartilidge. anyway#I know Iâm kind of hard on myself but itâs hard not to be when youâre surrounded by people with such talent#and it feels like youâre running behind when you see people getting to their dreams so much sooner than you.#I know itâll happen but it hurts sometimes remembering what I used to imagine id be doing at this age#and realizing past me probably had more of a chance at these careers than I do right now bc of brain damage and physical and mental issues#itâs not confirmed if I have brain damage but like. I can tell something is different.#itâs not like theyâd be able to diagnose it by now or even that itâd change anything#I just have to keep going and keep trying. itâs just discouraging and frustrating#I wish I could summon all the memories from my brain back up so I could feel happier about my art#Iâm happy to have the chance to start drawing again donât get me wrong. I still like to draw. itâs just.#I can tell the difference between how it was and how it is now and it makes me mourn#ough I wish I still had a therapist lmao. Deb get the fuck back here you traitor.
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20 Flirty Remarks to Build Romantic Tension Without Being Overbearing
Feeling stuck trying to give your characters a good flirty one-liner that doesn't sound cringe/overdone? Here are 20 ideas/dialogue prompts for you (that I may or may not have stolen from my own books):Â
âI must warn you: you have a dangerous effect on my heart rate.â / "You have no idea what you're doing to my heart right now."
"If I said I wasnât thinking about you, Iâd be lying. And Iâm a terrible liar."
"You know, I could get lost in those eyes, but I'd probably trip over my words trying to find my way back." (could also double as description/inner monologue).
âI canât tell if youâre really charming or if Iâm just easily charmed.â
âYou have a knack for making me forget what I was going to say. Itâs kind of impressive/infuriating.â
âI think you owe me a drink. When I saw you, I dropped mine.â
âIâve been trying to find the perfect excuse to hang out, but I keep forgetting everything when Iâm around you.â
âI bet you get away with a lot of trouble with that smile.â
âYou must be a magician because every time you walk in, everyone else disappears.â (The right character could pull it off I swear)
"Iâve been trying to think of something clever to say, but all my brain can come up with is how much I want to (kiss) you."
"I saw that little glanceâyouâre not as sneaky as you think."
"How do you manage to make even the most mundane things sound exciting?"
"You do this cute thing with your hands when youâre nervous, you know?"
âOne more word, and I might just have to kiss you.â
"Finally, there's that pretty smile of yours. I've been waiting for it all day."
"You keep staringâshould I be flattered?" / "Keep looking at me like that and I might start thinking you have a crush on me."
"Do you have any idea how fun it is to watch you try to keep a straight face?"
"Iâm pretty sure you could charm the socks off anyone, but Iâd like to keep mine on for now."
"If laughter is the best medicine, then Iâm pretty sure youâre my favorite doctor."
"Is it bad that I kind of like the way youâre trying to mess with me?"
Looking For More Writing Tips And Tricks?Â
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ISTG I wanna ramble on to somebody about ghost and pals but it'd all be gibberish :/
#...........................................................................................................................................#secret vent lol#idk why i get so mad at myself easily#like- id be patient and reassuring to other people#but to myself?#ha#my dad implemented all these expectations into my brain that i cant get over and beat myself up over#heres a list:#everything has to be perfect#i cant make any mistakes#if something bad happens its my own fault and i should fix it if not im a bad person#i should take care of others more than myself#if i dont make it i should just be better#if i cant find something quickly then im irresponsible#and if i cant live up to other peoples expectations then i should work herder#it never matters how hard i work#my arms could be falling off and he would just tell me âwork harderâ#and then a few things i got off him that he didnt like that contrasts with what i was taught#when arguing always be the loudest and biggest which isnt good because if i snap during a small argument it could get into a bigger fight#fucking violence do i even need to explain? he was violent so i became violent (sadly :c i dont wanna be like him)#inappropriate language he always cussed while yelling and i kinda adopted that#and manipulation i dont like doing it and sometimes i do it unwillingly and then i beat myself over it like;#âi should let them make their own decisions but i can't help it i probably shouldnt even be here in worse for themâ#and then that leads to me cutting off contact with a bunch of people#i dont wanna be like my dad but i cant control it i really wanna be better ive been trying to get better#but i dont know how i can#this was how i was raised#i tried to change how i act to fit other people#ive made up a whole fake personality where i have a normal family and im always supportive and shit#that isnt me i wish it was but it isnt. im a terrible fucking person and i dont know why i even exist!!!
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