#my brain hurts so fucking badly
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insane what birth control will do to a motherfucker
#metal speaks#permanently getting off of birth control on account of the history of suicide attempts#n the severe n treatment resistant mood n dissociation disorders#fucked up how bad i got just trying to reduce the amount of pain i experience#disability is exhausting#i’m exhausted#my brain hurts so fucking badly
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So guess who finally watched JJK
#I went from watching Dungeon Meshi earlier this month to watching JJK and I haven’t watched a shounen in literal years so#I can found dead in a ditch after being beaten bloody and raw holy shit#I like knew it would but dark but like Jesus fucking Christ on a cracker I was not expecting that#I still need to read the manga but like damn I need a moment after that#so far I can say JJK is in fact worth the hype and has consumed my soul#Yuuji Itadori my absolute beloved I love you so much I would die for you with zero hesitation#he’s my favorite character and I only want good things for him so so badly and I also want to torture him#I have a deep love hate relationship with Sukuna that kinda haunts me#Megumi is so funky I like him a lot#an absolute madman pretending to be the straight man in bits and no I will not be taking criticism on this opinion#kugisaki my girl you deserve more screen time please let her shine#nanamin you will also haunt me#I didn’t want to like Gojo I was like I am above simping for him and then I’m putting on the clown make up and THEN#They put him in a box just as I went goddamn it I am down bad for Gojo Satoru like COME ON#Anyway Suguru and his eye bags and depression and deeply rooted issues compelled me#Satosugu brain rot is in fact and real and can hurt me#jjk#jujutsu kaisen#shibuya arc#itadori yuuji#megumi fushiguro#nobara kugisaki#gojo satoru#geto suguru#nanami kento#satosugu#ryomen sukuna
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@azurecitrus OKAY THIS MOVIE ABSOLUTELY BROKE MY HEART AND I GOT CARRIED AWAY THANK YOU FOR THE REC LMAOOO
reminded me of a dream i had once, about vash and wolfwood being schoolkids together and wolfwood scaring off all of vash's bullies,,
#trigun#trigun anime#trigun fanart#vash#vash the stampede#wolfwood#nicholas d. wolfwood#vashwood#asks#azurecitrus#movie night with v#always a wild thing to have a movie that p much the whole time is like. oh okay very sad very uncomfortable.#and i'm failing to get much out of the experience. UNTIL!! the last twenty minutes or so#where the ending officially cements the story in my brain forever dfkjghdfk#goddddd the scene where he learns to hit back..... and that final triumphant ''HIS ARM IS MINT!! >:D''#I'M TEARING UP JUST THINKING ABOUT IT......... OUAGH....#EXTREMELY GOOD MOVIE IT HURT VERY BADLY LMAO#the black phone also gets extra points of favor with me for the scene the main character was watching my favorite william castle movie lol#alsooo week one in my first apartment babeyyyyyyyy i have not fucking slept at all dfkgjhdfjg
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my roman empire is that one moment smth smth qsmp lore happened and étoiles responded to a chat message by saying smth along the lines of “bah baghera me fait pas confiance” and laughed tersely but i can’t remember when that fucking happened and maybe i hallucinated it . but i need to try and find it again . to satiate my qetoiles qbagz relationship and larger qfrench messy family dynamic illness
#anyone remember when they saved kameto and cellbit warned the fed may try and take him again and kameto was immediately like ‘no etoiles#will protect me’ and etoiles said ‘if they take kamel i burn everything’#anyone remember the pre purgatory where kameto ran up to bagz and lied to her by saying etoiles wanted to hurt pomme#and she confronted etoiles and he told her wtf no i don’t why did u believe him and she said well u never know have u seen ur arm#head in hands . qbagz paranoia and distrust even when u want to trust so badly . une méfiance envers tout . seeing ur friend as a ticking#time bomb bc his arm is getting up by code . fuck#qsmp#jay rambles#étoiles#baghera jones#if anyone can magically find the moment i mention in the actual post i’d love u forever btw#i have practically nothing to go off but it’s post first etoiles code scar skin . maybe in late october after his and bagz convo about it#ive has a webweaving sat in my drafts for months i need to finish it . the worms in my brain
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Helllo please come into my house it is a normal house with normal things like tangible interiors and grounded in reality there is nothing to worry about this house it is very normal:)
#my house.wad is currently rotting my brain#gunna pick up a copy of house of leaves tomorrow if i can#ngl ive considered dabbling im writing and id love to write something horrific like house of leaves#i love things that mess with your head so badly it starts to hurt to think#love stories where every detail is just apart of some horrible game of thematicrics where the author is just fucking with you with meanings#cosmic horror my beloved#random rambles
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Ohhhhhhhhhhh okay. Bursts jnto tears screaming crying throwing up
#this is about my wip again. on the brink of fucking losing everything.#the state of things are so fucking dire i'm considering posting spoilers just to illustrate what fucking happened here.#AND I AM BEING DRAMATIC. but to be fair THIS MEANS A LOT TO ME AND THIS WAS. A FOCAL SHOT. HUGE FUCKING SHOT#also i might just die badly. give up. lay down. no guarantees that i will get into it. i do want to. but like.#ohhhhhhhhhhhhh. my god. my brain hurts and i'm devastated and i'm gonna cry. okay. love you goodbyw ☺️
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conchata saying neither of my sons were worth much in a fight...im so fucking unwell...
#the fact shes saying this in response to gabriel getting brutalised by the fucking cops aughhhhh head in hands conchata u make me so unwell#u have so many Issues. tried to protect your sons from a violent man but there was nobody left to protect you except Yourself#you did things you were ashamed of to leave a place you wanted to forget augh...#miguel :handshake: conchata: simultaneously finding gabriel's softness something they want to protect but also viewing him as a bit weak#im so fucking unwell...#ive dealt w bullies like you all my life conchata says as she slaps a literal child across the face. like kron is a shitty fucking kid#but thats still a CHILD. ough. conchata striking kron and conchata striking miguel and conchata being a victim herself of a man who hurt he#so badly and TOOK her son from her. conchata who goes to threaten tyler stone w a bullet in the brain for hurting her sons (epic W)#but who also cannot look her own physical violence against miguel in the face for what it is#tunes talks 2099
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ANOTHER DEATH BY INMOLATION???? ENOUGH!!!!
#really happy about being wrong about oden. normally when you see something is badly written it is true but here oden being alive being bad#writing was a trally a gotcha moment.... well unlike with pell and laki and wiper..... and conis' dad....#ashura....... and kanjuro is still alive...... this man deserves an execution#is this orichi??? the beheaded one was a kanjuro drawing too???? jesus#orichis fruit is a dragon with a lot of heads.... maybe he can regrow them lmao....#omg double hakai.... goodbye my brave soldiers.... ZORO?? ENMA IS A GODSEND YOU OWN ALL YOUR LIVES TO HIYORI....#zoro got hurt and luffy is on the offensive again..... exactly..... YES RED ROCK!!! BUT DON'T MISS!!!#talking tag#watching one piece#episode 1025#oden and kin on a flower field..... okay......#luffy stopping the attack meant for zoro.... oof#kaido's face knowing this was gonna hurt....#kid and traffy catching luffy too..... everybody loves luffy.....#how can luffy just stop kaido's attack like that's insane....#the others attacking big mom... that was such a big brain move.... they made teams here... luffy and then the brains (everyone elseÑ#jesus. that was something else#luffys giggle and smile when kid and tragfy catch him... he is so happy when people are there for him..... he loves fighting with friends :)#episode 1026#OMG GOODBYE BIG MOM!!!! SHE IS IN THE SEA I CANT BELIEVE THIS!!!!!#TRAFFY RATHER LET THE MISSION FAIL THAN ONE OF THEM DIE??? OMG#HOW IS PROMETHEUS IN THE WATER?????? FUCK OFF!!!!#they are bullying zeus lmaooo INTERNAL FIGHTING!! INTERNAL FIGHTING!!!#luffy knocked out and atill looking at kaido again.... ooff#this is insane. luffy just saved zoro and told him he wont need to die and here he goes again. oh this time i migh fr die. take care goodbye#the bleeding... oof THE SCAR JUST AS THE ONE HE HAS.... goodbye zolo..... rip bozo... don't fall like that man..... ass up like sanji...#he got a 2x1 hit..... goodbye law too.... kaido's eye when he notices luffy is up again.... also haoshoku..... i dont wanna look it up.....#nvm is the conqueror's haki.... i do not remember the og names AT ALL#episode 1027
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i cant stop thinking abt him... have been doing that all daynd i feel so sad nd my heart hurtsso bad nd i long for him sm it's just a bad day :((
#it's bc i saw that he#uploaded his background which was just nothing. and said that he feels empty#and a couple of months ago before i ruined it all#he said that he had me as his background#so now i feel so fkn sad#i dont know why im like this but i feel so crazy about him i wanna die#i think about him constantly and i'venever ever wanted to be with or know someone this badly#and to know that he sees me as a disappointment... and not good enough for him... and that he doesnt love me enough to wanna fix it#or even have a 'it' with me#hurts so bad#so now im just in an awful headspace...#i hate myself so much#i wish i could go back and not do what i did#i did it bc i thought it'd bring me closer to him#but i was wrong and i didnt understand that until now#and instead it caused him to think im not what he thought i was or what he wants me to be#and no matter how much i try to explain i realize thatonly i understand#bcmy brains broken and no one could ever understand why i do what i do#i am alone. always and forever i will never know closeness or intimacy#the thing is thatbefore i met him i was fine w that#i kinda longed for it but i had resigned myself to a life without it#then i met him nd it felt real nd like it could bereal for me#plus i genuinely like him sm i feel sm for him so i desperately want it w him#but then..... it turned out that im not good enough for him#it just rlly hurts that the ONLY time i've ever wanted someone#and it started w them wanting me back#who i am was a disappointment nd i fucked it up bc of a misunderstanding#that i cant clear up bc i cant make anyone understand my fucked up broken reasoning#i will bealone forever and i just wanna die
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I need to start having more normal daydreams bcos rn the main one is about finding someone who will agree to consensually stab me 1. Bcos I wanna know what it feels like and 2. I've never had an extended hospital trip before and it would be a Different Problem to have to my current ones and 3. This is a smaller specific facet subset of the daydream of 'qpr with benefits roommate who I marry for tax benefits and have autism with'
#story im reading: (vivid description of a stabbing)#brain: :/ that should be you#me: oh my god can you PLEASE be quiet#TO BE CLEAR. this is not a self harming thing#while my conviction against self harm is probably weaker than it should be. i do not and do not want to purposefully harm myself#this is an exception almost solely because i am SOOOO FUCKING CURIOUS#ive not felt terribly bad pain that i can remember in a long time so this would be a nice point of reference#like i have a thing where i dont remember how i feel in memories unless i remember consciously thinkint about lik3 'i am happy rivht now'#so logic dictates that if i want to remember what big pain feels like then i should get badly hurt and then wax philosophic about it#maybe record a voice note or something while i waited for the ambulance to come#anyway i was gonna finish these tags w 'no i was lying i dont need to get more normal daydreams' but tbh yeah
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It's so funny how having been raised deeply religious but no longer being Christian will linger later on. Like I just tagged a post with my constellation/stars tag from back when we all had artsy tags for everything "come close listen to the story" is about an obscure song about Jesus. Or like I was talking to a Muslim classmate of mine about what she does for her prayers when she has evening classes and I was secretly brimming with envy about the whole concept of Islamic daily prayers. The whole ritual of it, having to do it five times a day, having to face the correct direction, the rakat, that would make me so satisfied having to do that every day. I would revel in that so hard. I would really enjoy that. It's making my brain light up just thinking about.
#actually this might have started as a post about the after effects of me being christian but it ended in my weird#i like to call it my ''i have a heart for god but god doesn't have a heart for me''#meaning like i desperately want a religion to center my life around but i've been so hurt by christianity that going to church#makes me actively suicidal#so like the salah is so appealing to me because that's the absolute height of basing your life around your religion#which is so appealing#also i LOVE little rituals the idea of having to do a certain specific intricate task at the same time every day#it would feel so nice#make my brain go brrrrrrrrrrr#but i also understand that i shouldn't convert to islam just because i like the praying#just like i know i shouldn't return to church#but my heart yearns for god i don't know what to tell you!#i don't WANT to want religion so badly i don't WANT to yearn for it so desperately#like i get it's really bad for me#but i can't help it#i yearn for the divine#and you know what?#it's a fucking shame that christianity is such a harmful religion that has harmed so many people including myself#that i CAN'T throw myself into religion#this desire for religion is so deeply rooted in me that it can't be ignored no matter how i try#and i should be ABLE to revel in that part of myself#but because christianity is so harmful because it's members are so horrific#i can't#that's really sad#and still i'm typing this out and my brain's like#just do it#just start being religious again it'll feel so nice you'll feel so happy#but i won't! it's a trap! the religion is too dangerous!#oscar talks to himself#religion mention
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can i just sleep the next two and a half weeks i dont want to feel things before its london weekend and i can just focus on the positives
#anxiety is so high rn and i dont know why#but its (alongside with the current depressive episodes) affecting me physically and mentally so badly right now#i have everything taken care off i shouldnt need to do more than figure out my cat sitter stuff and check in for my flights#i could just sleep. the world doesnt need me before i can maybe see kip again. please#..also dont even get me on that depressive tangent of potentially not being able to see him cause i cant do that right now#im just so negative and im very aware of it and its eating me up im sorry#just. my brain. it hurts. im so fucking mentally exhausted i cant think#night is an absolute mess on main
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Being mentally ill sucks so much. I'm trying to sleep but the anxiety is making me cry OTL
#I havent vagued about wanting to die in a while so i deserve to whine on main#as a treat#but i still want to. kinda badly. this pain is fucking unbearable and is getting worse!!!!!#i cant handle all the stupid small things and my fucking past trauma that has been destroying me for the past year or so#auuuuuuuugh#the only good thing about now compared to before is that my health is ao bad that i cant hurt myself anymore#ok hopefully opening up a lil will help unstress my brain so i cam#ssssleep. help me sleep
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hhh
#daisy.txt#being hit w tht ‘u dont rly belong anywhere’ feeling again#both irl and online tbh like#irl im too anxious to get a job and idk what to do abt tht. my anxiety hasnt been this bad in years#but the last time i got an interview i ended up canceling bc my anxiety spiked rly fucking badly to the point i was crying#and tht was before i ever graduated#snd idk online im terrified of crossing a line by accident n making ppl hate me#and even then one part of my brain is like ppl are just tolerating u idk what u expect#just this stupid feeling of being left out and tht no one likes me and tht im just wasting all my time#even when i think its not true#ive just always been /too much/ or /not enough/ for ppl and i dont know where tht healthy middle is….#it doesnt rly help tht ppl just. disappear out of my life w/o warning sometimes#thats the part tht hurts the most yknow? and im a dumb bitch whos like ok GOOD then GO#and idk i can trace tht back to ex bestie dumping me entirely bc he got a bf#and me trying to give him space to navigate tht relationship only for him to just… never come back#ifs just a shitty situation and i feel so lost now
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well the good news is I figured out why one of my earrings is all fucked up the bad news is it cannot be fixed apart from waiting and it’s unpleasant and bad.
#it almost healed and then I think rejected it the first time? I took my first earrings out and put the current ones in#but I couldn’t force my brain to put that one in because I hate needles so fucking much#and it hurt (the other one hadn’t because well it went fine.j#so my mum did it and. well the piercing was already gone and rejected and .#well she didn’t know this#so it appears she basically repierced my injured ear because she thinks all earrings are supposed to hurt constantly#and ohhh god I feel sick writing that it’s bad I want it out of my skin so badly
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whining hours . sry
#like idk i try to like. imagine a future where i have like. friends. you know. Bare mimimum i have People i talk to. who arent lamp. and i#just cant imagine it happening again#like. i genuinely feel like i cant connect to ppl anymore and idk how id like. i dont see a way for me to do that ever again since i cant g#to school and like. sny job im able to get wouldnt be the kind where i like. meet people or make friends. and last year when i eent out wit#the express purpose of Making friends i literally couldnt. speak to anyone. like i just sat alone with my headphones on until it was time t#go home ... i dont know how to like. initiate casual conversation#+ like. i worry i get way too invested in any potential friendships bc i want so badly to be Normal and have friends and then i freak out#rly badly over something trivial. and thats entirely my fault like I need to work on not letting my freakouts effect the person im freaking#out abt. yk. like its my stupid brain that just gets rly rly overly defensive and weird abt everything its not like. I need to work on that#and thats another reason i dont knowif ill ever be able to make friends again is bc i genuinely dont trust myself not to get overly attache#way too quickly and then explode or something. idk#i also think maybe im just not meant to have actual lasting relationships with anybody ever. yk. like maybe im not meant to ever have roots#and maybe i just wont ever get to have stability and my life will always be entirely transient. Perhaps thats for the best so that i dont#have t like. lose ppl. and ppl dont have to deal with me#+ if i make bad decisions there r less ppl to care abt it. you know. which is a plus. idk#theres like. some parts of me r like desperate for friends and for love and to just . feel like i exist and Talk to people and like. have#stability. and then the rest r like No this is good bc we cant hurt as many ppl like this and also we dont deserve any of that so this is#for the best. and i just have to sit here like ok ! bc if i seek out friendships that part shuts it all down and if i dont the other part#makes me feel miserable and lonely. like damn i am destined for misery. but whatever. it doesnt rly matter DHRNFJFN im just being whiny#it just feels like i need like. ok this is my abdicating responsibility and is the reason i dont have friends disclaimer. i know that. very#aware. but i like. i need somebody to be the one to reach out to Me bc i like. i cant reach out to ppl like. i cant Try to initiate#conversations . but i think if there was a person who like. initiated conversations w me and started a friendship with me i like. i think#itd help me get used to Having a friend again and then id like. id be better at maintaining it and eventually id be able to pick up th#weight. but Obviously nobody wants to like. put in all that effort for somebody whos incapable of returning the favor possibly ever. yk#i need to just bite the bullet and humiliate myself and reach out even if its embarassing and even if it makes me have to throw up#<- happened one time when i tried to talk to someone new. which is so. oh my god. there r ppl who have avtual fucking issues and then im#just like boohoo i tried to think abt a conversation starter and got so anxious i fucking threw up. GOD. i hateit i hate it i hate it. but#wtvr. ik i cant actually expect that from anybody basically like. ik its a stupid wish. idk. i just wish i had somebody who could help me#like. remember how to mask and how to socialize Like a real person. and wouldnt mind that im like. weird right now. and would be willing to#talk to me until i got normal and stuff. wtvr. idk ... 10000 lashings
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