#ive just always been /too much/ or /not enough/ for ppl and i dont know where tht healthy middle is….
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
Text
ok let's catch up quickly
#so i went on a few dates w this guy. long hair beautiful face kinda looked like a girl (good) said yes ma'am when i told him to do smth#(also good) film student great at photography including candids. made a sheath of leather for a sword pin i have . et cetera.#he asked to cuddle and i was like iggg and then i felt Nothing and i was like ohhh yh ok ok yep lesbian#like he meets almost all my criteria but. yeahhh no . also at the end of that date he had some weird takes. anyway broke up w him and told#him actually im p sure im a lesbian (again) and he was like yk thats the second time this has happened to me this week but its ok bc ive#fallen for this girl from berlin. and then we cooked together. anyway . met a beautiful butch lowk in love w her. weve been on (1) date.#have two exams in a few days havent studied enough going to like end it all basically. my research partner kicked me off our research#(expected(it was always skinda sketchy)) which was devastating + it happened in a lidl 15 hours into a journey from bordeaux#to go back to the UK. my friends were kinda busy paying for baguettes but also they heard this whole exchange and are kinda mad at him#my friend of 10+ years is coming over in a few days. my evil ex situationship person that i decided to stay friends w because i kept#insisting they are a good friend and not evil and also extremely beautiful? turns out shockingly enough they were evil. tried to fix them#and then i realised due to their entire friendship group being ppl like me (Every Single One of their friends are ppl they met on dating#apps then led on then dumped and proposed staying friends w) and are collectively extremely attracted to them and not over them they#keep validating the most diabolical shit they say/do to hace a chance w them. they broke up w their ex and the way they keep leading#this poor girl on and making her heartbeeak worse and saying that they want more power over her and want her to beg for them back etc...MY#JAW HAD DROPPED esp bc i didnt even know the ex was in the picture BECAUSE ME AND ONE OF OUR FRIENDS (that they also dated) HAD JUSR SLEPT#NAKED TOGETHER IN THEIR BED W THEM. GIRL. anyway that is the least of the diabolical stuff they said but no we are moving onnn#this was b4 the beautiful butch btw. anyways . i have a mitski concert tmrw i think?? idek anymore#i used to have a crush on this guy very briefly and then it disappeared and then i realised if he fundementally changed everything abt#himself then maybe id like him but ofc i didnt tell him that but i still think abt it sometimes but anyway thats irrelevant now bc 99% sure#even if he did id still not find him attractive (lesbianism). please recommend good overnight moisturisers btw i have super dry skin#right. the friend of 10 yrs. we had a hard convo abt why she essentially bullied me in year 8 and it made me highly bitter but i also love#her and ik things are diff now its been like . Many Years . and shes going to stay a while I HAVE TWO EXAMS I DONT HAVE TIME but i love her#its fine. i think i might just switch into medicine and do the whole become a neurosurgeon thing (which was my plan B) bc plan A is looking#kinda impossible rn. I WANNA TALK MORE ABT WHAT THE EX SITUATIONSHIP PERSON SAID but i wont bc i dont wanna be too mean but also . MY GOD#i had a conversation w a philosopher friend about whether i have a moral responsibility to try to fix them bc unleashing this on society#feels wrong and he said 'probably but...run' so yeah im not talking to them atm. second date w beautiful butch on monday btw IDK WHAT TO#WEAR. she said she likes fems. im just gonna wear the shortest ralph lauren skirt i have w the cute leg warmers and hope 4 the best#its 1:15 AM im abt to drink coffee and start studying bc what the FUCK man. also almost finished watching the boys its very good#one of my best friends is struggling rn it is breaking my heart i want to take the burden from her i miss her very much
16 notes
·
View notes
Text
sorry i just. need to rant for a second
#cause dude the whole joost situation is SO fucking upsetting#he's mentioned over and over again how overwhelming this whole overnight success thing has been for him and to respect his boundaries#and instead of yk respecting his wishes “fans” go and make things worse by constantly overstepping and being creepy and weird like hello???#like why can't we all just be normal and take a step back and enjoy things#these people are gonna end up driving him off the internet and i wouldn't blame him one bit#and the worst part is the people who should get the memo obviously don't (or refuse to) bc this isn't an isolated instance#like its been going on for a while now#idk man i just think about how hard it must be for him rn#one of the things that turned me into a joost fan (besides his music) was his personality#like i obviously dont know him on a personal basis#but from the little bits ive seen he comes across as a really genuine and sweet and kind dude#super thoughtful as well. like i just love the way he thinks and his take on things#like i remember watching his eurovision interviews and just thinking oh man this dude's a ray of sunshine LMFAO#also the literal definition of resilience like dude's been through so much stuff and hes always managed to come out on top despite of it#and thats something i really admire about him too. like the way he put it as not letting your traumas be just that#but also something that can drive you forward#but yeah dude's had more than enough like he deserves to be happy and have some peace and ppl keep ruining it for him and it makes me upset#like i actually slept like shit last night and woke up feeling terrible and i wonder if what went down yesterday w the whole live thing#has anything to do with it lmfao#and you may be like ok well youre taking it too personally and letting it affect you#and yeah maybe youre right LOL but i cant help it i care about the guy and i want him to be okay#he seems to have a really good support system though so i hope things blow over soon and he can finally have some peace#anyway. rant over! 💋#raquel speaks
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
was gonna say smth else but this turned into a vent sorry everyone just ignore. typical weekend post on this blog u know how it is here we go👍
#wild ik so many ppl getting married meanwhile im over here struggling to convince myself my friends even care abt me or want me around#pathetic to admit but i cant even fantasise abt someone loving me bc im too insecure n emotionally unstable#my mind just shoots the idea down like whoa. unrealistic. ur incapable of expressing or receiving affection in any way that matters#no matter how badly u want to... and even if someone did well u wouldnt believe them most of the time#gotta get out of the fucking labyrinth first i couldnt inflict this shit on anyone i cared abt#but it makes me so desperately sad sometimes i dont know how im ever going to get out of this ive been trying for years and years#and im a little better at it snd i dont feel like this all of the time i know it just comes around and itll pass again#but im tired of being in so much emotional pain so frequently. and shouldering it so alone. theres such a disconnect between myself and#others and i dont know how to bridge that i don't know how to stop feeling so isolated and unwanted !!!!!! im trying so hard#it doesnt even bother me w relative strangers in my life like i dont get insecure at all around them i like meeting new ppl#bc theres like. no expectations i guess. like ik they dont care abt me personally and idk them well enough to do that either#and its fun but it doesnt satisfy needs that i have like i need to feel close + connected to ppl i need to care abt them + feel cared for#but as soon as i do start to care abt ppl it gets all tangled and i end up getting rly badly hurt over and over. thru no fault but my own#bc im constantly alienating myself and bc i struggle so much w shit like physical affection which is frustratingly rly critical for me!!!!#it wouldnt fucking matter if i didnt like or want affection ik some ppl are fine without i wish it worked like that for me#but nope instead i have to be constantly messed up over my complete fucking inability to express myself in any form#and ik it makes everyone around me so uncomfortable so it just becomes self reinforcing and eventually they drift and leave me behind#and i just do that over and over and over and every time ill tell myself ill do better ill try harder and itll get easier and someone will#and it happens again and right now im at the stage where the abandonment fear is starting to kick in which is awful n paralysing#and usually a precursor to actually being abandoned ehich is always my own fault bc i start behaving so erratically out of fear or defense#its self fulfilling and im trying. im trying so hard not to let it overwhelm me again and not to start acting out and freaking ppl out#and im coping with it okay i think but just hurts me a lot its all internal my rejection sensitivity is gradually ticking up and up#and argh!!!!!!!!! and some days im okay and some days its like this and i dont know what todo when its like this im so tired and in pain#its not even that bad today tbf. once im done typing this to get it out ill be able to do smth else and distract mysrlf for a bit#and then calling friends later too so exposure therapy innit. but itll be fun and i love them but i will probably also feel very bad after#or even possibly during but thats okay ill still manage fine im not going to let it interfere i dont want it controlling my fucking life#i am going to have a nice time and be okay despite it all. even if i do have to fucking battle this every day forever#and even if it stops me living my life to the extent i want and feeling as ok as i want i just have to come to terms with and be ok w it#and im not going to be!!! a fucking asshole abt it!!! i dont want to hurt anyone else thats the most important thing no matter how i feel#thr rest is all secondary and ik i cant help a few little bumps here and there but trying hardest to keep it separate its not negotiable
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
Having s bit of a strange moment
#gamer txt.#ive been thinking a little too much recently when i know its not particularly helpful or enjoyable in any way#im not even sure what set me on this route of thinking about it so much#ive just been really really scared of death recently#its honestly kinda funny because ive been thinking about how much of a joy and a wonder life is so much and somehow didnt think about-#-how thats partially because its brief. its so beautiful and important because its fleeting. one day a life will end and nothing can ever-#-replace it. not perfectly anyway. it'll always be different and unique and youre so lucky to exist at the same time because one of you#-will be gone someday#but oddly enough i never actually think too in depth about death#and im realising again why i dont#because i am so scared#i almost wish i could force myself to be religious so i could have some kind of hope about it. not have to fear it maybe even welcome it#but argh. 's not easy#its especially strange though because ive comforted other ppl who were scared of the potential void of death#by talking about how well its just not existing anymore it wont be a void because we wont be conscious#no reason to be scared of a nothingness you wont be aware of#its just like how you dont remember before being born because you didnt exist. same thing#but now i cant get the idea of an endless eternal void out of my head and i dont like it#i cant believe or take solace in my own words now and i dont know why#its not helping me feel any less scared
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
struggling very hard to feel connected to my femme identity and feeling big grief about that
#like idk#theres so many complex feelings and shit involved#but like i cannot deny that the femme community by and large equating the femme experience and struggle#to that of someone who is thin and on some level attractive is really fucking w me mentally#cause its like when there's femme positivity in general i cant relate#cause when its general femme positivity it focuses on validating queerness - but mine is never invalidated because ive always been Other#when its fat femme positivity its usually describing someone with a body still smaller than mine or only talks about rolls and tummies bein#good and often times the default in those is WHITE fat femmes#general positivity for femmes of color feels nice tbh#but even then i dont feel femme enough because femmes are always talking about being hyperfeminine and subverting femininity#and as someone who has never really quite fit in any manner hyperfemininity for me ends up being simply just wearing a dress#the amount of vitriol i get for just wearing a dress#hell even just a skirt#idk there's so much wrapped into these feelings and it feels liek the only ppl who ever understand are fat brown femmes who were also#masculinized/othered from the start and remain othered for the most part#which is such a small fraction of ppl ive met irl bc a lot of ppl like me usually just hide#and i get it#i do it too#its just hard to connect sometimes because i Know im femme but when the acknowledgement of femme existence centers mostly on the femmes who#are closest to the default......
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
feeling extra lonely tonight
#tryign to make friends at work is hard esp when u hardly see each other bc schedule/dept conflicts#havent seen this guy im trying to ask out in like a week and a half and last i saw him we talked like 2 minutes bc we were both on the clock#n the other friend im making i usually just see at the tail end of my shift cuz they start later#n now that im working books i just dont see anyone. periodt#im not the kind to abandon my post to visit a dept i have no business in so its always like. well i sure hope we see each other !#MIGHT see one tomo if im lucky im gonna try to make conversation for more than 2 min this time wish me luck#if i dont see him i wont for like . another week#maybe longer#what was my personal tag again#''but marrow you can make friends in places that arent work'' thats so much HARDER#and ive tried. maybe not enough times but it sucks cuz most ppl just dont really pique my interest#too many times there have been ppl at work i have been interested in getting to know but i wasnt proactive enough abt interacting w them#and then they stop working there and its like whelp never seeing them again#so im trying to be more forward and active when i like someone. its fucking HARD but its working i think. maybe#''marrow what abt those opportunities youve had to hang out with new ppl that were enjoyable''#well thank you for asking dear voice in my head; those ppl i met were nice but they were not really ppl i was interested in knowing. ty#i am just an unlovable little prick surrounded by equally unlovable people
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
hhh
#daisy.txt#being hit w tht ‘u dont rly belong anywhere’ feeling again#both irl and online tbh like#irl im too anxious to get a job and idk what to do abt tht. my anxiety hasnt been this bad in years#but the last time i got an interview i ended up canceling bc my anxiety spiked rly fucking badly to the point i was crying#and tht was before i ever graduated#snd idk online im terrified of crossing a line by accident n making ppl hate me#and even then one part of my brain is like ppl are just tolerating u idk what u expect#just this stupid feeling of being left out and tht no one likes me and tht im just wasting all my time#even when i think its not true#ive just always been /too much/ or /not enough/ for ppl and i dont know where tht healthy middle is….#it doesnt rly help tht ppl just. disappear out of my life w/o warning sometimes#thats the part tht hurts the most yknow? and im a dumb bitch whos like ok GOOD then GO#and idk i can trace tht back to ex bestie dumping me entirely bc he got a bf#and me trying to give him space to navigate tht relationship only for him to just… never come back#ifs just a shitty situation and i feel so lost now
1 note
·
View note
Text
and also it doesnt even matter if i miraculously get a job tmrw bc we don't have a car . and im too out of shape to walk anywhere bc everything is far away . so i genuinely dont jnow what to do
#im not smart or talented or hot enough to have a source of income working from home.#i dont have a ged or a kicense or a way to get to work or much experience + ive got a steadily fucking growing gap in my employment history.#And i have essentially 0 social skills i barely Function half the time im dissociated or just crying. im weak and out of shape and#not pretty im like. unhireable i think . and again even if a place did hire me I dont have a way to fucking get 2 work#i might be able to walk 2 a place if i had been at work for a while bc if be more used to being on my feet and active again. its take a#while and id be in a Lot of pain but like. itd be doable. and once i worked for s bit i could get lyfts even tho Expensive also idk that#there as many drivers here. and wtvr. but if i did that itd be Less money to help my family and less money to save up toget my own place and#atp maybe its selfish of me to want my own place and i need to judt be more grateful im allowed 2 stay here . yk#idk. im so tired i just need like. idk. ik the only way is to just get through it and get a job and make it work but it feels so pointless#everything always does. i cant keep getting over hurdles man im so fucking tired of getting through hurdles#every single day is Difficult and every single day is the Same and any time j manage to have a good day ill just go right back to feeling#exactly the same. and even if it looks like everythings better for a bit it all goes back down eventually and ik im supposed to be like But#itll get better again after that <3 ups and downs are a part of life <3 we have to have the bad to appreciate the good <3 im just fucking#sick of the goddamn bad im fucking sick of it ive had enough bad i want good. ik other ppl deserve it more i want everybody to have good#days and be safe and happy i don't want things to keep getting worse but everything just gets worse and all the good parts r tempirary and#im so tired. I am not your strongest soldier bro !!!#idk. i just want to be atable i dont need anything crazy i just want my family to live comfortably and to have enough money that i can#donate i rly donot need much i dont need that much food 2 survive i dont need a ton of space i dont need a nide house i like. i just want to#be Stable and know that everything will be ok. yk. at least 4 my family i want them all to be able to eat and the bills 2 be paid and#hopefully for lamp and the kids 2 go to college. bc lamp and tag both want to go to college and itsy is 6 so he soesnt care#but i want them to be able to so bad bc i can't and i ws never gonna be able to and i dont get to be whiny abt that but like. they want to#and theyre smart and passionate and like. i want them to be able to achieve their dreams and get to have normal lives and be fulfilled and#happy. yk. idk. annie showed me her schoolwork the other day and since it wa first week at like. an alt school it ws a lot of personality#type stuff and mental health stuff and im not gonna get into it bc its not mine to tell but. their answers for one of the things made me so#upset bc it sounded so much like me when i was their age and even now and it makes me feel so guilty that like. i didnt make it better for#them. im the one whos supposed to endure it and then theyre supposed to get to be happy but im too fuckinf weak nowadays and i can't keep#any of them safe or happy and i feel so insanely useless. i hate it i just want to be useful idc anymore like. i want to be good i want to#be helpful i want to be cared abt and its so selfish bc a part of me is like. Ohh wahhh we shouldnr have to do all that to be cared abt wahh#and its dumb bc Yes i do its my job. it just fucking sucks rn bc like i have all the like. sorrow over this being what i have to do and this#is my lot in life but i also have all the guilt over how im not doing it bc km lazy and selfish and i cant just work bc im . Ugh
1 note
·
View note
Text
#dont read this is just. Venting. the way thats easiest for me to get it all out#not to depressionpost but im so fucking lonely its not even funny#i just would like to be able to feel Loved#which is silly bc logically i KNOW that im loved by my (very small) circle but#object permanence or. I guess emotional permanence or WHATEVER you call it just hasnt worked for me in such a long time#and its so very hard to not lash out and be awful in my misery to the ppl around me whenever that bpd switch gets flipped#ik im overly clingy and annoying and hard to get along with. I love and want to be loved and needed like a whimpering dog. i KNOW this.#and ik it doesnt help that every horrible awful clingy insecurity gets amplified by the abandonment and bullying and hurt ive faced#i constantly feel like ive been left on the curb by my loved ones even though i know thats not whats happening.#like im stuck in last place again and again and again. like im not as good or as cherished as their other people.#Its so hard. it makes me want to say and do awful things bc i feel so Abandoned and I HATE IT!!!!!#i fixate on my loved one and get these possessive and insecure feelings over them and its so UGLY.#it was bad enough in high school but Everything Else Thats Happened has made that problem of mine so much harder to cope with and ignore#train derailed but re: the first point. its so hard for me to actually feel like people care and want me around.#And now ive become too afraid to ask for anything bc of how many times theyve cancelled or forgot or ignored the plans we make together.#like is it a me thing? Am i that forgettable? am i that insufferable? why am i always the odd man out?#ugh#Nothing i said makes sense. But whatever#okay sorry this is just a better alternative than hurting myself so.#i hate being alone. i hate having no support system. i hate being stuck in a traumatic and abusive situation i cant get myself out of.#it gets harder and harder to convince myself to keep going.#every day i wake up feeling so Abandoned that i consider sabotaging every good relationship left in my life rehoming my pets n then kms-ing#haha. 🤟🤟🤟🤟#Its hard dealinh with traumatic personality disorders#while also dealing with perpetual ptsd-triggering and almost complete isolation
1 note
·
View note
Text
a
Yesterday i got the craziest message out of the blue .. My ex bf from 2011-2013's other ex gf who he was with before me hit me up to say that he got arrested?? And that her and like 5 other people are pressing charges against him for assault spanning across all different periods of time.. it's really wild idk how to feel. She said if i feel comfortable i can give my own testimony for when they go to court , even tho i dont live in england anymore.. Im like yeah honestly i will because like this dude is so unrelentingly violent and scary he legit almost killed me it was so extreme, i've known a lot of corrupt ppl but he is the only one i've always thought needs to be locked away from society like it's a murder scene waiting to happen not to mention he is just a straightup rapist
it's crazy too cus like 4 or 5 nights ago i had a dream that me and him and the girl who messaged me were all watching videos of ourselves in that time period like i even posted about it on here. i thought it was just a typical trauma processing dream not an actual premonition of something i would have to revisit irl
She said something about how she'd been looking back in her old fb messages with him to help paint a picture of the timeline so out of morbid curiosity today i checked to see if i still had ours. Sure enough i do, i've never looked at them retroactively before, but holy shit like... He is so much more of a monster than i even remembered, i dont get triggered easily anymore but it genuinely hurt my heart to see how horrible he was. Every conversation is just him snapping at me because i didnt respond to him fast enough or something so minor, and the whole time im just trying to apologize and de-escalate but it makes him more and more furious. the day before i was about to fly to london to move back in with him he was threatening to kill himself because i was going to my friends house to say bye to them. He was like "You're going to a party i just know it you're lying to me you'd never tell me you're really going to a party because you know i'm suicidal you've ruined my night you're a piece of shit" Like this was the NIGHT before i was about to leave everything behind just for him
i'm like rly shocked at everything i saw in that convo today im not even scratching the surface with this post. Anyways i guess it's cool that there is some justice happening right now and the people who survived him have been able to band together to try and ensure he can't hurt anyone else in the future. i rly wish none of us ever had to go thru any of that tho ugh i was so young i just really had no idea and it fucked me up for many many years afterwards. ive come a long way tho .
ill probly delete later cus idk who lurks this blog. i prefer not to show weakness :K But yeah.. just wanted to express this crazy unexpected life event and get it off my chest while its fresh
Peace and love !!!
#maybe trigger warning for ppl who hsve been in abusive relationships idk#ultimately i think it is triumphant tho..
29 notes
·
View notes
Text
Ikevamp bois playing modern games part 2
Vincent
Vincent is way into.. gartic phone
Qnd perhaps skribble.io
Like way into it
He would sit down 12 hours in front of the computer and guess what HES BEEN PLAYING GARTIC PHONE AND SKRIBBLE.IO IN A LOBBY OF RANDOMS
12 HRS IN HES STILL NOT DONE WITH BOTH GAMES
Hed obv speedrun a drawing in a short period of time and manage to make it look *chefs kiss*
Imagine if skribble.io had a vc feature tho
No no, like imagine if people were actually toxic in this goofy ahh game
They would yell down vincent down the mic telling him to go play with photoshop
Randoms are salty that vincent can draw and portray even the most ridicilous prompts which results him with the highest score always
Not to mention hes really good at guessing even the shittiest drawimgs from other ppl
"Broer how- that persons drawing looks ridicilous, even arthur's dog could draw that"
"Don't be mean theo! I could guess the drawing from the emotional connection i felt from it"
Jean
Jean has a shitty brick nokia phone
And he really loves playing snake II
No im serious
Well i suppose momte doesnt trust him with any other phones than that
the last time he was given a smartphone he downloaded some hack and slash game
took the word slash literally and then proceeded to cut the phone into two
comte was too stunned to speak
momte didn’t want his kids to miss out on gadgets but he cant have jean destroying his smartphone
BINGO! a nokia 3310 it is!
jean didnt know how to react at first, but he found it easier to navigate and thats when he found out baout snake II
found it a bit pointless at first but despite saying that, he doesnt realize that thats the only thing he does besids fencing
snake II is his pre workout
the only thing he will be doing before his fencing practice
before meals
and before bed
‘‘jean are you sure you haven’t had enough of snake II..?’‘ comte asked causiously as he never know how his son Jean would react
jean looked at comte and stayed silent for a hot minute
‘‘no’‘
Napoleon
OK FLASH BACK TO MY E BOY NAPOLEON FANART FROM 2021
its official
He plays league of legends
Napoleon is deffo a jungle/top main
Jungle preferabbly
Bros actually cracked coz hed turn any non meta champs into an absolute beast
I see him being especially good with pantheon jungle
Hed play league with jean tbh
And jean would be a dedicated top
But i dont see jean being the best player..
No, like imagine napoleon defending jean from "top troll" and getting spammed "?" On his lane
Napo would literally go to that persons lane just to steal their minion last hits
If hes feeling extra hed even use pantheons ult to yeet over to that player to ks all the minions on that person's lane 😭
"Jgl troll gg"
Ok napo is actually not toxic and is rly nice to play with
Hed even supp for you if ur learning a new champ
Hes only toxic to people who are toxic to his buddies
Comte
Ill be honest
Comte looks like someone who would download all games from every ad pop up he gets
And im talking about anything gacha related
He does not care whether the game is explicit or not as long as he can collect pretty characters
Is he interested in the gameplay??? Probably not.
"For what reason did you spend $$$$$$ on xxx game???" Leonardo asked as he scrolled through comte's in game billings, cocking an eyebrow
"Hm? Well i simply wanted to collect all of these lovely looking characters."
"Without leveling up your characters?"
"Non"
"Do you understand how to play this game?"
Comte only looked at him with his unwavering smile
"honestly this is the most ridicilous spending ive witness from you, heh" Leo snorted
"Much appreciated, but i dont recal asking for any input, old friend" comte retorted
Leo looked at him and sighed
"Honestly at this point i shouldn't be surprised"
.
.
This took me forever to upload because i coulndn't figure what type of game comte would play then one day i was like AHAAAAA
Also i didn't proof read as always so pls dont chop my head off :"))
#ikevamp#ikemen vampire#ikevamp vincent#ikevamp napoleon#ikevamp jean#ikevamp comte#ikevamp leonardo#ikemen series#cybird#ikevamp headcanons
74 notes
·
View notes
Text
see I get its abt repression and letting that bury u alive but theres still time it doesnt have to be like this etc !! and it does that powerfully. but I've just. never been repressed or closeted in that specific kind of sense. dysphoria has never manifested like that for me... I kind of feel like social pressures esp gender related ones didn't exert the same force on me growing up that they did on a lot of ppl I know (and still don't now) bc I never fully understood them or was excluded for various reasons. but man. fucking rough for ppl who did/do still feel that way 💔
#just sitting trying to unpick how i feel abt the film cuz my alarm is out of battery so i gotta charge it before i sleep....#like i didnt have an easy time as a kid or teen and yeah i was still very much affected by social constructs n attitudes around me#but it was difficult in different ways.... i dont knowww. i do have my own repression but not in a way ive ever seen represented#or that other ppl seem to understand unless they have a similar set of experiences to me#just too autistic to get it LOL#ive always been myself even before i had the language to understand what that meant. n the resistance to my self expression hasnt ever#trumped my ability to express myself#i think this kind of relates to how like. ive never had the need to 'come out' like its never been important to me personally#and i can understand why it is for some ppl. but as soon as i found out what lesbianism was n saw myself in it that was that#and the same w realising my understanding of my gender was different like i just immediately incorporated it into my life#and yeah i havent 'come out' to my parents which used to be bc they were kinda homophobic but theyve grown n theyre not anymore#but i just dont need to like its not relevant to our relationship???#if i had a long term partner i would introduce them. and that would probably be the only way id explicitly acknowledge it to them#they likely already know by this point bc ive never made much of an effort to hide it n virtually everyone else has known for 8+ years#im not dependent on them anymore so it doesnt really matter if it damaged our relationship. like that would be on them if it did#sorry this sounds cold. idk ive never believed in unconditional familial love in my experience there are always conditions attached#i care abt them a lot dont get me wrong.. ah im explaining badly im so shattered....#my alarm is probably charged enough now so im gonna sleep now otherwise ill be getting less than 6 hrs sleep sigh..#im just rambling..... goooodnight muah#.diaries
1 note
·
View note
Note
So I have been in the whole Thiam things quite a while how and there is specific tag that got me wondering and it is the Jewish Theo Raeken tag the reason bcs where does this coming? Is this just a tag that an author like just created and ppl thinks “oh hey! This is really interesting!” And decide so write more about? Or this there any specific theories behind it????
hi yeah, that theo is Jewish is a headcanon. im pretty sure that its theoceanismyinkwell (they're under the same username on tumblr too!) who came up with that since most of the fics under that tag are by them! i dont know much about this headcanon, but theoceanismyinkwell is actually Jewish themselves, so if you have more questions about that, maybe try sending them an ask instead :)
in canon we dont really get to know much about theo's religion or ethnicity. theo just gets read as a white guy, which, well, he is. cody christian, his actor, is actually indigenous (his mother is penobscot) but teen wolf in general likes to cast actors that are racially ambiguous. froy gutierrez, nolan's actor, is of caxcan (indigenous to mexico) and mexican descent. victoria molores, hayden's actress, is of mexican descent as well. kelsey chow, tracy's actress, is chinese (im ignoring her claiming she's native american bc that's a whole controversy and im white european myself so its Definitely not my place to comment on that.)
my point is, all the characters ive listed can get read as white if you really want to. they're just racially ambiguous enough that you can ignore any non-white features they may have. and with the way teen wolf likes to be racist in general (the way they treat literally all of their Black characters, the way they treat kira and the incredibly poor way they handle their inspirations of asian and native american mythology) this feels... interesting to me. its definitely a choice they made.
sorry, i got of track. the racism in teen wolf makes me incredibly angry. canonically, theo mentions once that he's an atheist in s6ep9 when the sheriff threatens to shoot him "until god won't even recognize him" to which theo says "im an atheist. fire at will." if hes just always been an atheist or if his time underground possibly made him stop believing in higher beings- who knows. i think its a very fun tidbit of information about him since his name, theodore, means "gift of god." how ironic. (heres a post where i briefly talk about that btw)
anyway. that theo is Jewish is just a hc, and not an actual theory as far as i am aware! its definitely fun though. since we dont really know a lot about theo, especially his childhood and his life post-canon, i think giving him these kinds of hcs is so cool. adding aspects to his character to further explore him.
#sorry for the random rant in the middle there#the way they mistreat their characters of color really pisses me off#thanks for the ask!#theninth09asks
10 notes
·
View notes
Text
Attractiveness scale
Im trying to sleep at the moment but the sleep just ain’t coming ya know so im gonna post this and dip but I wanted to rate the Beta Squad members and a few of the guests by attractiveness for fun 🤷♀️
this is personal so like not who’s conventionally attractive but who is to me 🤭
the ten ppl I will be ranking are Sharky, Kenny, Chunkz, AJ, Niko (obvs) and then Darkest, Filly, Gib, HP and Johnny Carey cus i cant remember no one else
also no one talk about the spelling mistakes in this it’s late and i dont wanna spell check rn
Coming in on Number Ten its
10 - Harry Pinero
his hairlines reached the base of his skull at this point and he’s just never really been my fav guest so he gets last place unfortunately 😕😕 i think this is only bcus he violates my faves and I stand up against bullying thank you very much
9 - Yung Filly
ok yall gonna get mad at me for this one but he’s very bf material i cant lie just not very attractive for me? There’s some vids and photos where he’s like FINNEEE but then most of the time he’s mad funny and cute just not that attractive ya know and he looks like he’s 4’3”, like I KNOW he’s taller but he dresses and the way he moves idk he moves short af
8 - AnesonGib
ok so I had him 6th originally but I acc looked at pics of him and changed my mind, I have not seen a single Gib vid like from his own channel, ive seen gib in the Mafia vid, some old Chunkz vids and ive seen his fights but he’s so FINE and underrated as fuck like?? Appreciate this man?? And he seems mad kind. I <3 Gib. I do not know anything about him tho but I recently saw a vid of Chunkz from like 6 years ago with him in it and Young gib? Mad fine but also he looks almost child entertainer ish so do with that what you will
7 - Chunkz
aight ya ok, my BAD, im SORRY but like he’s just not it for me, he’s leng i wont lie but like he’s so authoritative and i cant with that ya know? Like I need a chill man for me im somehow worried this man gonna slap my neck if I talk back and im not tryna get treated like toddler im tryna be your girl? calm ur ass down and we talk
6 - AJ
ok SO I know, I know, im going to get absolutely dragged and maybe even jumped for how low this is but like once again he’s very aggressive and sh and I cnat deal with that, he MAD fine tho he’s so Hahrhdhhfbdnsk but like I rate the others better he is taller then me tho so he can have that
5 - Johnny Carey
YALL SLEEP ON THIS MAN, YALL ARE SNORING AND DROLLING AND EVERYHTING CUS THIS MAN IS SO FINE like I cnat deal with him he’s so fine to me? Like yeah he looks a little wonky and asymmetrical but like? Have you seen the wya he looks at people? Omgmgmmgmg
4 - Kenny
considerably low considering my username but ive developed as a person dont judge me but he mad mad good looking, when he boxes?? 10/10 in a track suit?? 10/10 this entire man is one big SMASH like ❤️
3 - Niko
this man is so cute but also hot its weird to believe he exists like?? I want to climb him like a tree, nuff said and maybe he IS a little lanky but he’s MY sorta lanky (ive always been this way, the nickname for my crush in middle school was lanky tree like taht legit what he called him and looking back he WAS lanky af)
2 - Sharky
Sharky, Sharky, Sharky where do I even start? I think the Sharky girlies on here have said enough for me, he’s hot, he’s cute, he’s nice, he’s funny what more do you even want? And he dresses so NICE and his smile is so SWEET and he’s CARING like omg I might fall in luv and his Hands. Thats it. Look at his hands my Lordy lord.
1 - Darkest Man
my bae, my love, I will defend his bald head for life, Aaliyah has SPOILED me by mentioning how fine he was cus now i cant Stop watching every video ever with him in it, ive watched FootAsylum, his own channel, Chunkz Channel, Sharky’s Channel, even JD sports just to watch him on my screen like he’s so funny I’m cracking up every other second and he looks good doing it too and the faces he makes and HIS HANDS omg dont even get me started heiwkwkskfb I cnat even he’s my no. 1 🫶🫶
Done
ok so taht was my list and now im gonna nominate my mutuals to do this too, you can go for the same guests or choose your own its entirely up to you but I wann see some more opinions so please do it 🫶🫶
Taglist- @b4tasquad @allygatcr @shuuuuush @vctrvn-ls
Sadly that is all my moots, I thought I had more but thats it I guess, I hope yall can find time to do this otherwise its fine 😭🫶
#beta squad#niko omilana#sharky#king kenny#aj shabeel#chunkz#darkest man#johnny carey#harry pinero#yung filly#anesongib
69 notes
·
View notes
Text
AITA but i dont wanna use reddit
ok you know what here is the situation. my (only recently) 20 yr old friend (i met them four years ago when we both worked at mcd) lived with their strict, emotionally abusive, overprotective parents until recently. their parents would confiscate tech for yrs at a time, wouldn't let them get vaccinated (i had to help them do that), guilt and shame them, etc. also obviously homophobic and my friend is transfem nb and queer. theyre also the eldest sibling of quite a few and had to handle the pressure of that responsibility and their parents never wanted them to do normal things like getting a car and moving out. i was always there encouraging them even when we stopped working together bc i was like fuck this naive gullible homeschooled kid has no one and they remind me of my younger sibling and im gonna be there for them as much as i can. the only reason they even got a car eventually is cus i kept telling them to so they cld move out
cut back to barely a year ago, they're still so naive and gullible they've lent like 1k+ to ppl who won't pay them back, but they still have like 10-20k in savings and now their own car. they also get into digital art with my help and get into furry porn or whatever. im like ok i guess ur an adult now do what u want. and then theyre like "ive got an online partner from CANADA!!! (we r australian) don't freak out i know it's bad but he's 30." i'm like oh god. they've been together 3 months ish and my friend RLY wants to visit their fuckass boyfriend and i'm like please be careful, please wait at least a year, i know u wont wanna listen to how i rly feel about this but at least just take these precautions. i'm also like when you do meet irl he should come here ur barely 19 and he's 30 like it only makes sense. and theyre like "thank u i promise i will do that"
and then maybe 10 or 11 months into their relationship i find out my friend is in canada with their bf, and has been for like a month, and i only know this bc they're asking if i can pick them up from sydney airport. im like errr that's pretty far away but take the train and i'll pick you up from the station and they're like ok sure! and i ask a bit more about it and find out they believe their parents have been hacking into their laptop because why else would they be suspicious that this canadian guy is their boyfriend, i'm like actually no offense but it's really fucking obvious i don't think they did that... and they're like "yeah anyway my parents are no longer picking me up which is why i need a lift, i admitted i have a boyfriend and they're calling him a pedo (and i almost agree but i just smile and nod) and so i'm not going back and taking their bs anymore, i'm gonna sleep in my car if i have to" so i offer for them to stay at my place for a few weeks.
they go get their stuff from their place, i buy them a pizza cus they havent had dinner, i help them get their stuff inside, set up a temporary bed. they tell me they plan to be out within a few days, i tell them they can stay longer if they need to, but currently their only job is doordash and they should focus on getting a real job so they can find a place and i'm more than happy to help them find somewhere. theyre the type of person to say sorry for everything and not let themselves ever feel comfortable, so i make sure they know they can use the kitchen and bathroom and everything while they're here and to not feel like a huge burden, im gonna be charging them a tiny bit of rent anyway so yeah.
now tell me why it's been over a month, they've applied to only a few places, i specifically put in a good word with them at my job and told them to call back and ask about the application and they just haven't, they've just been doordashing and filling my entire fridge and cupboard with their food, i tell them to use the laundromat cus we don't have enough space for their washing too and they end up asking if they can use our washing machine anyway (i reluctantly say yes), they destroy all my kitchen sponges on washing this one shitty pan i have cus they have to cook an entire grand meal from scratch for breakfast lunch and dinner, they wash up but i'm the only person who cleans the floors and the bathroom so now i'm feeling cramped and stressed out...
i ask my mum about what to do, she says give them 2 weeks to move out, my mum is a guarantor on my lease so in the group chat i explain the situation and say they have 2 weeks, they NEVER RESPOND and start not coming home until late at night... i'm considering moving into another place with a friend atp so i'm like yo maybe you can get on this lease and THEN they respond and start showing up again... and today i called and updated mum on the situation and her partner got on the phone, me and my sibling only got this place cus he apparently called in a favour cus we were rly struggling to find any fucking housing, and so he says "tell him i mean THEMMM if theyre not out tomorrow i will forcibly remove them" and so my sibling makes sure to tell them this face to face so they cant avoid actually responding. i also find out today that this whole time they've been flat broke (to the point they had to borrow my money just to get petrol despite doordashing like 40 hours a week) because they HAVE BEEN HELPING. PAY. THEIR GROWN ASS. SHITTY FUCKING USELESS. PARTNERS. RENT. THIS GROWN ASS MAN NOT ONLY HAD THEM PAY TO GO SEE HIM AND SUCK HIM OFF AND COOK FOR HIM. NOT ONLY WAS LETTING THEM GO BACK TO AUSTRALIA AND JUST BE HOMELESS. BUT HE IS ACTIVELY TAKING THEIR FUCKING MONEY. despite all of this i am deep down INCREDIBLY GLAD that my mum's partner put his foot down to get them out of my house and i feel guilty about it despite risking eviction cus im breaking my lease agreement by having them here loooll
tldr my 20 yr old friend has been living in my house illegally for over a month bc they refuse to go back to their shitty parents, they are however broke and don't have a stable job and their 30 yr old boyfriend is leeching off of them, and now i'm essentially kicking them out of my place within 2 days because my own housing security is at risk
6 notes
·
View notes
Note
hi, ive loved your art forever, finally working up the courage to send an ask ahshdjfjf
when i was a kid i was really attached to the pokemon anime and i remember that one episode about the charmander being left all alone in the rain, and then being saved by ash and given a chance to recover, i remember projecting so hard onto it and wanting to be given that chance as well, to have someone save me like that. anyways, your art has always made me Feel Things, theres a very sentimental quality to your art and the way you design characters. i connect a lot with your sadder stuff as well. youre very good at storytelling in your work, especially that piece with ray about wanting to return to the places in your childhood but not ever experiencing them the same way. man, you hit that feeling right on the head.
anyways, where was i going with this. i struggle a lot with trying to reclaim some parts of my childhood, it took me a lot to even remember that i projected so much onto that charmander. but seeing a pikachu be so.. i dont know, happy about connecting with pokemon so much, it just, it means a lot to me. i used my imagination as escapism and id like to try and reconnect with it. i am using your art as a guide and as inspiration.. i feel like i can get close to that again.
i hope animal friends brings you joy and i will be so happy if you choose to share any of it. and im sorry about your job, ive been in that exact situation, stay strong
sincerely, one online animal beast to another <3
Oh my GOD, this ask is so touching idek where to start answering 😭😭😭 Wow, thank you!!!
Instant follow btw, ur drawings are so dynamic and sensory, and HOLY moly your anatomy skills 🤯 I’m super honored!!!
I honestly forget ppl ever see my more sad/melancholy drawings, I wasn’t expecting it to affect me so hard hearing someone mention it xD Drawing is one of the few vessels I can properly channel my emotions with, and there’s a lot more raw stuff I don’t share online. I never know if the catharsis I feel drawing the Heavier stuff translates, because I still center those drawings around silly animals xD
I’m so happy you were able to rediscover your connection with Ash’s charmander!! That episode always made me emotional too 💔 I can’t say where my lifelong fixation on Pikachu really began, but my mom told me that even before I engaged with anything pkmn related, I was just immediately enamored by seeing it at a store or on TV xD
Eventually she took me to see Pokémon 4ever in theaters, and I vaguely remember being instantly ENCHANTED by the little short movie before the actual film began. Those animated shorts of Pikachu with all its friends, no humans attached, were always this ultimate comfort fantasy for me to watch xD
As my identity and personality fluctuates, I always find it comforting being grounded in my connection to Pikachu. The episode where it refused to evolve stuck with me on a deep level too haha.
ANYWAYS UHH I can’t thank you enough for your kind words!!!! I am holding ur paw, you stay strong too!
10 notes
·
View notes