#TO BE CLEAR. this is not a self harming thing

[waves-against-a-cliff]

Don't mind me, this is painfully self indulgent. Not with any of the cod men in particular.

TW self harm, hurt/comfort, angst

You couldn't do it anymore. The last two months have been too much, you stared at your razor from across the room. You couldn't think. Could hardly breathe. Even years later you can recall the relief the pain brought you. With shaky legs you rushed over to the box and took out a refill. For minutes you wrestled with it, to tear it apart to get what you seek. You needed it. You needed the relief, to take the edge off.

You didn't think about calling him. Your mind had narrowed in on this one thing and it was all you could do to not fall apart. Finally you held a single thin razor in between your fingers. You stared at it, hesitation finally peaking between the cracks of your panic but it was shut back out.

You were out of practice. Years of being clean had done that but with enough pressure any skin will break and bleed. You didn't want it to be deep, just wanted the bite and the blood. It wasn't until you had set it down that your mind cleared at last.

The cuts shined red and that shame and guilt crawled up your throat. Stupid. Stupid stupid stupid. That's what you were. You tried to wash it off, used soap and warm water but the marks remained. It didn't fix anything. You knew it wouldn't but you did it anyways. Stupid stupid stupid.

As you struggled to breathe past sobs you heard the sound of the door opening and in he stepped. You recoiled away from his gaze, trying to hide yourself away from him. "Hey what's going on?" He asked in a gentle voice that made you only cry harder. You didn't deserve gentleness or kindness or love. You deserved to be punished for your stupid, for your mistake.

You couldn't speak and only cried hard. He glanced around the room you two shared and his eyes landed on your weapon of choice. His eyes filled with a deep sadness and he wrapped his arms around you. "Baby," he whispered and you buried your face into his chest. Seeking to crawl out of your skin and into his, to not be stuck in the mind that hated you. "Baby look at me," you looked up at him between tears and a pounding headache, "are they deep?" He asked and you shook your head with a trembling lip. "Do you want to go to the hospital?" You shook your head harder. Going to the hospital wouldn't fix this. You know it wouldn't fix this, just delay the inevitable.

He took a deep breath, "Breathe with me," he instructed. Deep breath in, hold, deep breath out, hold and repeat. Your tears lessened and he kissed your wet cheeks. "It's okay."

"No it's not," you finally cry and bury your face back into his shirt, "it's not. I messed up. I did it and I wasn't supposed to." Years. Years gone down the drain. Why now? Why did you crack now?

"You're a human sweetheart. Humans make mistakes and you're still here. Still breathing. There will be more years. Just breathe."

You hiccuped and cried for a few more minutes but the tears slowed and your breathing returned to normal. "Come on, I'll order your favorite food and you can pick out something to watch okay?" You nodded and wiped away any more tears with a sniffle.

"Okay."

"I love you, nothing will ever change that."

"I love you too."

[dullahandyke]

I need to start having more normal daydreams bcos rn the main one is about finding someone who will agree to consensually stab me 1. Bcos I wanna know what it feels like and 2. I've never had an extended hospital trip before and it would be a Different Problem to have to my current ones and 3. This is a smaller specific facet subset of the daydream of 'qpr with benefits roommate who I marry for tax benefits and have autism with'

[jennilah]

Amanda Young & Mark Hoffman parallels

[thedreadvampy]

sometimes I forget that my experience has been. um. not 'your experiences are not universal' vibes but more like 'your experiences are EXTREMELY atypical'

[the-satellite]

I am thinking about. The blood n knife n alcohol in Boone's room. And the broken mirror.

[autistic-katara]

there r fics that make u insane (so amazingly good it’s removed ur sanity) and then there’s fics that make u insane (you need to fistfight the author for how they did a specific thing that caused u to rant for hours)

[moe-broey]

I need like. A Don't Make Me Tap The Sign about Alfonse Fire Emblem specifically about his character and how he's perceived sometimes. Like Book 7 Chapter 12 he's just like that. He's always been like that.

I feel like I've def said it more eloquently before probably in Book 5 (regarding Reginn and Fáfnir), where like. He Will try for and favor a peaceful solution, but if it's clear there's no way out without violence and killing the threat/adversary. He won't hesitate. He won't falter. Crit line literally references this actually, "Above all, the mission".

Like I feel like the difference between Alfonse just doing Alfonse things (most recent chapter Seidr having to kill Kvasir, no way out of it -- plus also even considering killing Seidr herself, if that were to end Gullveig) and the Letizia moment was like. The Letizia moment was a BOLD gambit he played, which is WHY it was so shocking in the story and as an audience member, and why I think it left such a deep impression. Still very in character for him and the way he thinks/problem solves on the fly, carefully evaluating the situation and what would be the best move with the highest rate of success. (THAT LAST BIT ACTUALLY........ he'll do this even with low rates of success, out of sheer stubbornness as well. Which is why I still stand by him being rash at times, a LOT of his rashness is disguised as "calculated risks" and he just has the willpower to pull it off. The worst-best type of guy to me LMFAO)

Going back a bit though, the Letizia moment also stands out as an example of how far Alfonse is willing to go to win, especially if his back is pushed against the wall. It gives you a FASCINATING glimpse into his character and into his mind. A lot of times Lif would be an enigma to me, beyond the basics, character wise. Like yeah I guess that would fuck up a guy. But his methods (working and making contracts with gods when especially as Alfonse he knows better than that??) would be inscrutable to me. But everything absolutely finally clicked when Alfonse made that gambit, playing to Letizia's personality and whatever preconceived notions she may have, that maybe Alfonse could find a weak spot in and take advantage of. Lif is doing the exact same thing. His judgement is maybe a little worse for wear on account of, well *gestures vaguely to all of him* but he's still very much doing The Same Thing.

LIKE. I'm def straying from my point which is. Alfonse isn't shy about having to resort to violence. It Is a resort. But if it has to be done, it will be done. Any damage control (such as Sharena's feelings -- she has CLEARLY been extremely upset these past chapters) can be resolved later. (This.... is also fascinating to me..... bc it's always been clear to me his loved ones are the people who ground him, who stop him from losing himself, from becoming cruel in his practicality and tendency for detachment. There Is his morality as well -- but his loved ones are a huge part in what keeps him kind.)

I guess what I'm really trying to say is. Hit me up next time Alfonse is playing 4D chess with the enemy or throwing himself in a ditch on purpose just to indulge his baby sister's current pet project. THOSE feel like standout examples of Alfonse Off The Shits (but still completely in character for him tbh), while like. The rest is just par for the course for him. Just another (especially traumatizing) Tuesday.

[vse-kar-vem]

how to write vent post title that does not come off as self-pitying and or accusatory (because it's NOT !)

[thementalhealthdisaster]

I'm not suicidal. Not like the point that I need to be doing shit like calling hotlines. I'm always a little suicidal.

Anyways, my point, I'm not but I am frequently in "do dangerous things knowing it could harm me or result in death" kind of mindset.

Keep wanting to bait spiders into biting me. Walk across roads without making sure cars are gonna stop. Want to do things like have unsafe sex with a stranger and take pills when I don't know what they are. Want to try cutting my arms just to see how deep I can make myself go.

Very "I'm not doing this to die but if it happens, so be it" vibes in the house tonight.

[milimeters-morales]

actually i think the revenge wellness checkup is the most vile and most stupid thing that’s ever happened. after their Big Fight, Ganke does think (well at this point he knows) that Miles will hurt himself after their fight out of guilt and that SHOULD be enough, but some part of him hopes the cops showing up to his and his mother’s door for an anonymous wellness checkup scares him for putting hands on ganke. just to fuck with Miles heavily and make him worse mentally. and it’s so insidious. Miles ends up also doing this, but it was kind of like an end to “i do a bad thing, you do a bad thing, we’re even now, shut up and leave” and this was their longest break before their current one (where Ganke found out about him being The Prowler) because you don’t really. fully come back from that. lol.

[the-descolada]

It’s very hard to reconcile memories of someone being a positive presence in your life when the downturn was so sudden. One second I had a friend whose love for me I thought was genuine and trusting and then that fell apart so quickly and completely I had no idea it was even happening before it was too late bc of irrational fears inside their head I couldn’t have foreseen or even known about and all of that fell on me and their anxiety became a justification to treat me so fucking badly and I just couldn’t handle that bc I’m only human

[femmeidiot]

my parents fucked me over so bad like listening to my dad wonder if everyone thought he did something wrong or bad after church every week and those are two people who have nothing nice to say about themselves at any given time and they both think everyone hates them and so now here I am I have does everyone hate me disease and it’s incurable I want to go jump into some very deep water and not think about it anymore.

[sherlock-is-ace]

.

[be-the-glenn-to-my-maggie]

Real quick PSA for the followers, just to make sure my positions are clear on some issues and to make sure I am not causing any unintentional harm (that devolved into a minor hiatus):

-If I'm intending to talk about something specific, I'll mention it, I promise.

-I do be forgetting that you all recognize me on both my A03 and my tumblr. It is surprising to me every time. I tend to be vERY flippant on here, especially in my tags. I think we have reached a point where I should be more careful lol. I am not used to having an actual effect, so if I have an effect you don't appreciate, or I say something hurtful, please please bring it up to me! Dms, anon, replies; idc, I'm always down for a conversation.

-I am not in the business of apologies I do not mean, and I certainly do not back down from my opinions, I think that's been fairly clear. So, if I apologize it's because I mean it, and that won't change.

-I make a lot of posts that are critical of fandom culture in a lot of different fandoms, and culture around specific characters as well. I want it to be very clear that unless I am directly interacting with another user, then the criticism should never surround anyone specific. I never want to direct hate ever, unless I'm tagging.

-If there are questions about the appropriateness of my headcanon posts in response to asks, that can be changed. I would really hate to be making my very small community uncomfortable. I had thought I was fairly clear on the blogs boundaries and what I think is appropriate, but perhaps I haven't been careful enough. Please feel free to address issues with me, or to block me. That is always an option of course.

Uh, that being said, I might take a couple days. I have used this blog for fun and friends since 2015, it's not my first time fucking up nor will it be the last. But, it's upsetting to me that my blog might be harmful to some (who I hadn't intended it to be harmful to, it's always been an active warzone for irredeemable character excusers lol, since 2015). The queue will go on as usual but no new posts for a bit while I figure out if things need to change. I'll respond to DMs tho, probably, bc I'm obsessed with my mutuals.

[angorwhosebabyisthis]

realized ricky is not only canonically polyam, but rep for polyam survivors who are abused for being poly, and i am having a lot of feelings about that which i plan to write up a post about but also wow in hindsight it put some shit from an abusive ex-friend into perspective.

[prosebushpatch]

Listen, i don’t care if it’s romantic/platonic/barely put up with, but in totk, Link and Zelda share that bed. I didn’t spend all those rupees so Link could sleep on the floor, Nintendo. You couldn’t even give him a bed under the stairs? WHERE’S THE SIGN THAT SAYS “LINK’S HOUSE” NINTENDO. COMMIT TO THE SHIP OR AT LEAST PUT TWO FRICKING BEDS IN THE HOUSE THIS IS MALARKEY