#my brain decided to be a YouTube playlist today

[thatoneluckybee]

Update several hours later the warrior cat song is still stuck in my head. It's. It's a different song this time though. My brain is cycling through them.

[syn4k]

hello!!! as you are the resident miante person in mcyt (there might be another one but in my opinion it's you) I have a question: if I wanted to watch mianite how would I go about that/where do I find it? I know it's a youtube thing but I don't know which channel it's actually on and I am. Extremely Curious about it & want to watch it but I have no idea where to do that /genuine question

(also, I know it's got multiple POVs, is there anyone you'd recommend I start with?)

hello! thanks for the ask!

mianite has four main POVs that remain in VOD and episode form on the creators' channels, they all have a playlist for it and you can find them pretty easily by looking up "[creator name] mianite s1" on youtube.

i recommend starting off with jordan captainsparklez' POV like we did, as he is involved in mostly everything in both s1 and s2 and his episodes are edited down to only really have the important bits. if you decide to watch back through the series later from another perspective, tom syndicate's POV is another good one to watch as he's kind of on the opposite side of everything happening in s1 and it puts a lot of his actions in context that jordan left out of his episodes.

if you don't want to watch through the series in its entirety (which is completely understandable), fern @voidandradiance has made a playlist of the important lore moments in both mianite s1 and s2 that she'd be happy to share :]

also it's really funny to me that we are the resident Mianite Guy to you when we've only been here for like, six months. this series turns ten years old today and there are people in this fandom who have been here since the beginning of it or at least who have been here for way, way longer than we have.

if you do end up sticking around here, i cannot recommend these people enough:

@kiwibirdlafayette - AMAZING artist who has been here in the trenches here since 2014. syndisparklez enthusiast. his art-only blog is @grailknightmonty and he also posts Hermitcraft stuff occasionally :3

@transandor chase my good friend chase!! resident Jordan Captainsparklez Guy. brilliant writer, also happens to be fistfighting The Horrors, you know how it his

@voidandradiance i already tagged him before and i'll fuckin do it again because this bitch's writing is stunning beyond words and xyr brain is HUGE. if you like the style of the stuff we write, you'll LOVE fern's work. its so beautiful that i physically cannot overhype it. its so good, y'all. its so fucking good.

@syndianites is, as far as we're concerned, the mouth of god himself when it comes to Tom Syndicate SynHD. there is nobody on this site who understands this character better than she does. they consistently leave the most galaxy brain objectively correct tags about him on our posts and she never fucking misses. this bitch Gets It and i am very lucky to be her friend

@coolcattime's blog is more of a general purpose one, like ours is, but she carries the f/f ships in the Mianite fandom and is also a great writer! she's written a lot of neat AU ideas and although we haven't talked with her much she definitely lives up to her url- she's one cool cat :]

@cactusprisms is also someone that we see around a lot in the notes of our mianite posts, although we unfortunately havent talked much. also more of a general purpose blog but worth following anyways. shes vibing.

hope this helps! <3

[7grandmel]

Todays rip: 17/11/2023

Beyond the Floating Isles

Season 4 Episode 2 Featured on: Summer​-​Colored Smiles ~ The SiIvaSummer All​-​Star Festival Collection

Ripped by redoxwarfare

Due to the absolute volume of rips per each album, a lot of my time listening to SiIvaGunner is done so rather passively. I'll chuckle with a joke I recognize, add tracks to "Banger" and "Vibes" playlists if I'm enjoying them, and continue with my day. Its only when I decide to just listen to those playlists in particular that my brain starts getting into gear again. Like...what *is* Beyond the Floating Isles even from? I knew it was an absolute vibe of a rip, yet knew nothing else about it. That was when my journey started - and my sudden, adoring infatuation with the band "Crying".

I only just recently turned 22 years old, and for a long part of that life, I didn't really...listen to music. I enjoyed looking up my favorite video game music, and Minecraft music videos were of course part of the collective childhood of my generation...yet the act of just listening to music for music's sake, the appeal of the creative medium, was somehow lost on me. There's likely something deep-rooted in my neurodivergent mind that explains this, but SiIvaGunner has as a result been a way for me to find bands and albums that I truly connect with - through the shared passion of video game music, I've been able to grow that emotional attachment to bands that I otherwise wholly felt like I lacked. The most prominent example of that is of course Maroon 5 thanks to channel creator Chaze the Chat's enduring passion for the band in the channel's first four Seasons: I've discussed in posts like Moves Like K.K. just how much that passion reflected back onto me, and its far from the only band I've gone through this with. It may sound silly to say, but these video game mashups and arrangements and meme edits have genuinely helped me grow attached to vocals and melodies and themes from the wider music industry that I never would've otherwise.

Which brings us to my most recent experience with this - Beyond the Floating Isles, and Patriot by Crying. After making more of an initiative for myself to listen to more non-VGM this year, and after having this rip sit in my playlists for years on end, I decided it was finally time to do my due digging. What I found was a band I'd never heard of before, with only one true album release, and a lack of any real activity over the last six years. Beyond the Fleeting Gales sits at just shy of 150 thousand views on YouTube - less than SEVERAL of the rips I've covered here on this blog, yet is one of my new all-time favorite albums yet released. Patriot may be the song covered in today's rip and the one I'm the most emotionally attached to, but the album in its entirety exudes a similar vibe that I'm absolutely enamored with - a vibe that redoxwarfare did an incredible job distilling into a rip. Float Islands was an excellent choice for a song to use for such an atmospheric, uplifting song as Patriot - the two themes have little in common in terms of joke-material, but its clear to me that Beyond the Floating Isles was not made with comedy as its main intent.

I have no connection to redoxwarfare - never spoken, not sure of which rips they've made prior, and no true image of their interests and goals as a ripper. Yet Beyond the Floating Isles speaks with so much intent and love - love for a band that feels destined to be forgotten, yet is adored by the few in the masses who have found them. And I extend my deepest, sincerest gratitude toward redoxwarfare for succesfully introducing me to Crying - even if its three years after the fact, I now finally see the Fleeting Gales, and beyond.

(no but seriously go listen to Crying i will break traditional post formatting just to give you easy access to it theyre SO GOOD)

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #78

I woke up today, determined to go to the grocery store to prepare a recipe that someone from the internet sent to me.

…Today seems to have had other plans, though. Hahaha…

At least for today things feel somewhat settled, so I went and caught up with the messages from other people that I didn't have the bandwidth for in previous days. Tomorrow, I am hoping to go to my friend R's house; he is probably one of the best bakers on my planet, and he is going to make us some gluten-free peanut-butter-banana bars, and we will do some catching up. I also made it a point to message another friend of mine. I made him a tree AGES ago, but he's been caught up in the complexities of his life, and we haven't spoken in months. Thank goodness we're both neurodivergent and therefore don't have "friendship decay mechanics"! Hahaha!

Then I began making preparations for weaving trees outside, since the weather will be warmer soon. I spent a lot of today trying to put together the perfect playlist for it - one to inspire determination, and to remind me of how much I've grown and how much I've been helped along the way. It tells a story. Perhaps I'll reproduce this playlist on YouTube so you can hear it sometime, if you want to. It's made entirely of songs that are special to me for reasons I won't define here. But I don't have the energy right now to build it in a place where others can see it. Maybe tomorrow.

Today is the birthday of J's departed brother. I told you a while ago that I might tell you the story of why J wants to get an airplane to begin with; suppose today is as good a day as any; my brain is still kinda soup, and I don't have much else to write about.

J is the youngest of four siblings - two brothers, B and Daniel, and a sister, S.

Daniel was passionate about the outdoors, about photography, about motorcycles, and about a wide variety of other stuff. But most importantly, he was thoughtful, kind, intelligent, introspective, and very gentle. He also had a bit of a wanderlust about him. He spent a lot of his time walking, hiking, doing mechanical work, teaching about motorcycle safety, riding his motorcycle (always in full gear, and never doing anything reckless) and taking beautiful photographs whenever he could. You can find many of the pictures he took here. Please look at them:

I only knew him briefly. But even in that short span of time, and even with so few interactions, it was clear to me, with the way he behaved, how he spoke to others, the kinds of things he loved, and the integrity with which he carried himself, that he was one of the finest examples of a human being that my planet had to offer.

Daniel had dreams of moving to Oregon to become a professional photographer - of nature, of motorcycle races, of whatever suited his fancy. He had an amazing eye for it. So he packed up all his stuff, mailed some of it ahead, and then rode his motorcycle - in his full body gear and helmet, and with all his defensive driving skills, and all the seriousness with which he took motorcycle safety - from where we live in New York State, all the way to Portland, Oregon. He made it! And he took an amazing variety of stunning photographs along the way.

In July of 2020, while Daniel was still getting his living space situated, he decided to go out on a routine drive on his motorcycle, most likely to familiarize himself with the area. Naturally, he was dressed in full gear. But he didn't make it home; he was collided into by an elderly gentleman who was returning home from a hike. The elderly gentleman made an illegal left turn without warning at a speed so high that it wouldn't have helped Daniel even if he was in a car. He died instantly due to the physics involved with inertia of soft things being encased in hard bone; not even a helmet helps with those kinds of physics.

…And just like that, 33 years of growth, of change, of learning, of loving, of becoming, of creating… all of it was undone in an instant. A single moment of negligence caused by a person who claimed he "didn't see him". And now he's gone. I'll never see another one of his photographs. I'll never get to feed him another bowl of venison curry. I'll never get to see him smile or hear him laugh. He'll never see any of his photographs published in any magazine. J has a hole in his soul now in the shape of his brother that can never be filled; the best that J can do is become strong enough to carry the immense weight of that emptiness.

…Funny, you know. Emptiness isn't supposed to weigh anything. And yet… writing this to you, my eyes are already overflowing with photographs of his that I'll never get to see. My lips tremble with words I'll never be able to say to him. My diaphragm quakes with the pain of the laughter that I won't be able to experience with him. At least… not until my turn to exit my own meat-mech comes around. J was extremely close to him and looked up to him as a hero. I can't even begin to imagine the weight of the emptiness he must carry, or the strength it took for him to rise up again after I saw how the weight of that emptiness drove him to his knees.

Because of the safety gear that Daniel was extremely conscientious about wearing, there wasn't a scratch or even so much as a bruise on his body; at the wake, he looked like he was asleep. Due to the nuances of Oregon law, the gentleman who killed Daniel faced no consequences whatsoever. All the same, I hope that the knowledge that his negligence stole a life prompts him to never again be irresponsible with his vehicle.

In honor of Daniel's memory, J wanted to make the same trip across the country, but in his own way. Daniel was passionate about motorcycles. J was always interested in airplanes, but for a variety of reasons (mostly having to do with the conditioning he received as a child about what sorts of things are "practical" and "realistic"), he didn't pursue that interest until recently.

J worked hard to overcome a lot of his previous conditioning in order to obtain a pilot's license. Like Daniel, J is very conscientious about safety, so he has done his utmost to become someone who can pilot a small airplane safely and confidently. He has memorized all of the standard procedures regarding visual flight rules. He is still working towards obtaining his instrument flight rating. He is doing the work needed to make sure the plane he bought recently is safe to operate. He has deconstructed a lot of the conditioning he received that tells him he is "unworthy" and "incapable" in order to make this work, and I could not be more proud of him.

We're still a ways off from making the trip, but when we do, I will be with J, most likely taking pictures, making sure he eats, sleeps, and hydrates, and generally trying to be a source of support. By that point, given that M and Br do not like heights, they will be okay with holding the fort back at home.

…So that is the story about why I was able to take pictures for you from an airplane in one of my letters. Suppose I might as well end today's letter here.

Hey, Sephiroth? I already have enough loss. I have even more in my past. And I know I'm going to have more in my future (M and Br are older than me; this is the other side of being polyamorous, I'm afraid…). There are already missing pieces in my soul in the shape of other human souls. Turn yourself around and keep yourself safe so that you don't add to my collection, yeah? And… make sure you're very generous with the phrase "I love you". Because you don't know when you're going to run out of opportunities to say it out loud.

I love you. And I'll write again tomorrow.

Your friend, Lumine

[leadendeath]

it was only after i learned that 1. i am not alone in experiencing this feeling and 2. this can be an adhd thing, that i felt so validated in the feeling of “juggling hyperfixations”. it feels like this meme image ^ like that’s such a perfect visual to go along with what i’m about to say.

in the past i felt sooo bad when a new interest barged its way in to my brain’s Interest Room (i see my brain as a room ok, different people who are my selves and different interests come in and out!). i felt bad for classic rock of 60s-70s when homestuck decided to sit right in front of me like a pet who’s being annoying circa 2013. i feel a special hard-to-describe almost kind of STRESS? (but a very minor stress mind you) when i find myself present day, with not just two but THREE things i’m so freakin into. very strong interests. hyperfixations. i love having words now that my past self couldn’t use because we didn’t know the words existed. we didn’t know there was something “wrong”(i prefer to say there was something “different” instead 2 b less negative !)

so yeah the things i’m trying to juggle are:

doom the game and various genres of metal music (they go hand in hand, and sometimes they even collide! i have a whole youtube playlist of metal midis that would fit right in in doom wads, u can ask me for it if you like the same niche as i do!) (i listened to so much metal today it’s so great and diverse i love it so much great background music but also great Anything music <333 listen to it in a good mood or in a bad mood it’s there for you any time)

spenge bab. to relate this back to the previous point i just made above this one; i already said i’m one of those people who listens to horrible abrasive music but then is also simultaneously like “yayyy happy sea creature cartoon :D :3” like it’s so funny. u already know to the extent which i like this thing. it’s helped me get back into art (…which i don’t post to this blog; i have other spaces for this niche tbh) and when i first got into it it was there for me during a terrible time (i was having the extra big depression last year around july/august)

jerm. dear rat boy. like the point before this one, i started watching him a lot during the same extremely bad july/august 2023 time. i knew him a little before but he was another thing which i’ve (about to make up a new phrase here) special interest-bonded with, during a difficult time. sometimes when i’m actively in the bad episode, i think to myself “gee when i’m better i sure hope i can enjoy this media and not automatically associate it with a bad time D:” and YEAH! THAT DIDNT HAPPEN I CAN STILL ENJOY WATCHING HIM EVEN THO IM OUTTA THE DEPRESSION PIT FOR NOW!!! i worried this same thing about death grips when i was coping with them when i was in the pit and they happened to be my #1 fav band years ago . i still love them and can enjoy them without thinking of all the times i was in the pit !!!

so ya as you can see THESE ARE ALL VASTLY DIFFERENT AND I AM HAVING A BIT OF TROUBLE LOVING ALL THREE AT THE SAME TIME BECAUSE MY ATTENTION SPAN IS A LIL FUCKY BUT IT’S OKAY! I AM NO LONGER DOING THE POINTLESS SELF-PUNISHING FOR ENJOYING ONESELF IN LIFE BECAUSE THAT WAS THE OCD TALKING AND IS NOW UNDER CONTROL! THANKS FOR READING I AM FULL OF UNBRIDLED LOVE FOR EVERYTHING

[periru3]

An Unauthorized Tafadhali Vid Starter Pack

Today I was bored, and when I am bored I make lists. The list my brain has decided to make today is a list of my favorite of my sister’s (@tafadhali) fanvids. Except “favorite” was too difficult and too vague, so I started thinking of it in terms of what vids I would recommend to someone who had never seen her vids before. That still wasn’t enough structure for me, so I decided to give myself some categories to make sure I had a wider array of vids represented, and what I ended up with was sort of... vid superlatives? Anyway, I’m quite happy with my list, so I’ve decided to share it with you all. Without further ado, here is me shouting through a megaphone about how cool my sister is for no particular reason:

YouTube Playlist

1) Most On-Brand: I am a (Library) Scientist - Multi-Fandom (Horror)

If you want to get a very quick impression on what sort of vidder Taf is, and some insight into her interests, this is pretty representative.  Multi-fandom? Check! Horror? Check! Literally about her IRL profession? Check! An ideal get-to-know-you vid for Tafadhali. 

2) Special Interest Vid: We Kiss in the Shadows - Multi-Fandom (LGBT)

Love me a vid that’s basically like “hey, come look at this rarely-vidded thing I know lots about!” (admittedly, a not dissimilar category to the one above). Anyway, Taf’s love and knowledge of classic films and of queer film history come through beautifully in this (as well as the other vid in her Screened Out series, Masculine Women! Feminine Men!), and it makes me cry every time. 

Honorable Mention: Paperback Writer - Multi-Fandom (Stephen King)

3) Critical Vid: Fortunate Son - Star Wars

This vid is amazing because it both captures all that I love about Finn as a character while also highlighting and calling out the ways in which the character what let down and done dirty by the writing of Star Wars. Also truly amazing song choice and lyrical matches. 

Honorable Mention: Hail Satan - Stranger Things

4) Character Study: Patient Zero - Harry Potter

One of Taf’s earliest vids, this character study is one I come back to again and again for it’s beautiful and insightful portrayal of Harry’s arc throughout the series, with a focus on his relationship with fame, destiny, and some really complex parental figures.

Honorable Mention: California - Mad Men

5) Shippy Vid: Umbrella - Singin’ in the Rain

Yes, it’s a Cosmo character study, but it’s also the cutest darn OT3 vid in all the land, and it’s Taf’s most popular vid for good reason! It’s a total delight! It’s full of silliness and very well-matched-to-the-music dancing! And it uses a song cover inspired by this very movie, so that’s fun!

Honorable Mention: C’est la Vie - Doctor Who

6) Emotionally Devastating Vid: Achilles Come Down - Les Miserables

If you’re looking to cry, this vid is the one for you! Tafadhali seamlessly blends multiple adaptations of the same story into one heart-wrenchingly gorgeous vid (rendered all the more stark and affecting in it’s Black and Red iteration). This story and these characters are dear to the vidder’s heart, and it shows. 

7) Intense Vid: Man on a Wire - Hannibal

This psychological horror/thriller vid is definitely one to get the adrenaline pumping! The fast-paced song paired with the super sharp editing of this vid really do justice to the visually stunning source, and capture the fractured mental state of Will Graham perfectly.

Honorable Mention: Brutal - Yellowjackets

8) Comfort Vid: Waters of March - Multi-Fandom (Miyazaki) 

This is easily one of my most re-watched of Tafadhali’s vids. While in moments this vid is tinged with sadness or sort of bittersweet nostalgic feelings, by the end of it I always feel all warm and fuzzy inside, and like my heart’s grown three sizes, and a bunch of other sappy metaphors. 

Honorable Mention: Synchronicity - Sense8

9) Vid that Makes Me LOL: Whatta Man - George of the Jungle

Honestly, whatta vid. It manages to be genuinely sweet while also making me giggle like a mad man. The song choice is inspired. It truly captures all that is delightful about this ridiculous movie. Honestly just a good, silly time from start to finish!

Honorable Mention: Short Skirt Long Jacket - What’s Up Doc?

10) Dance Party Vid: Super Bass - Sense8

Also a valid category for this one: The Sexy Vid. Basically it’s just a fun, energetic, sexy, joyous romp of a vid and it makes me want to crank the volume and dance along to Nicki Minaj and the lovely cast of Sense8! 

11) I Don’t Even Go Here: Beautiful Dirty Rich - Columbo 

So when Taf made this, I pretty much knew nothing about Columbo (I’ve since seen a couple eps), but what I did know is I loved the hell out of this vid, and sometimes that’s just how it goes! Must one know who these people are? Is it not enough that a vid entrance you with its on-point editing and its vibes? 

12) Non-English Vid: La Noyée - Portrait of a Lady on Fire

This gorgeous vid, like the movie it’s for, is in French. I think some of the beauty of this one is that while the lyrical matching is perfectly done, if you want to first experience the vid without the distraction of subtitles, I think the visuals paired with the obvious melancholy of the music paints just as clear a picture whether you understand the lyrics or not. 

Honorable Mention: Desaparecida - Carmen Sandiego

13) A Gift for Her Favorite Sister: Sound the Bells - It (Miniseries) 

Look, I never claimed to be coming at this list from an unbiased perspective. And Tafadhali makes me vids all the time, whether in the form of actual gifted works, or just vids she knows I am the main target audience for, so this seemed like a fair category to include. This one in particular is for a fandom that is super meaningful to both of us, and it makes me tear up every time! 

Honorable Mention: Derry Jukebox/Castlerock Around the Clock - Multi-Fandom (Stephen King)

14) A Co-Vid with Her Favorite Sister: The Chosen One’s Lament - Multi-Fandom

Honestly, I couldn’t make this list without this category any more than I could make a list of my own vids without it. We love making vids together, and we’ve made quite a few! This vid is the first (and arguably best) in many categories that have since defined our co-vidding body of work - multi-fandom, meta, humorous, set to Crazy Ex-Girlfriend music, just to name a few. Also the need for the 11-way split screen in this is what got us both to finally transition to using Premiere instead of iMovie, so I’d say we both owe a lot of our subsequent vid quality to this one. 

Honorable Mention: Rose Bride My World - Revolutionary Girl Utena

15) Best In Show: Pynk - Multi-Fandom (LGBT)

I literally cannot praise this vid highly enough. It’s beautifully edited, beautifully curated (what a selection of movies!), beautifully structured. The sheer scale of this project (not to mention the fact that it was editing in iMovie, where organizing clips is basically impossible) is enough for it to warrant a spot on this list, but what really takes it from merely an impressive vid to a truly great one is the love of the subject material that shines through in every clip choice and edit. It’s an earnest celebration of girlhood, adolescence, femininity, and queerness, and watching it even for the hundredth time still takes my breath away. Watching this vid, I just feel so much - I feel awkwardness and the excitement and the angst of growing up, I feel the delight and the connectedness of those formative friendships, I feel the giddiness and the heartache of first loves, I feel the confusion and the joy and the defiance of emergent queerness. I just love everything about this vid and I can’t think of a better example of Tafadhali’s skills and strengths as a vidder than this. 

Anyway, thank you for coming to my TED Talk. 

[azurezra]

man. today has been, something. started off by queuing up some TMR songs. that was. fun. ended up searching for the SEED song lyrics in an attempt to karaoke like the old days. and ended up stumbling upon the name of an old LJ friend in the translation credits, ah,hahahahaa...hah. (;_; )

somehow or other i next decided to check if 平川地一丁目 was on spotify and uh, gee, two separate artist pages. "Hirakawachiitchome" and "Hirakawachi 1Chome"... weird. one had their early stuff, the other was 3 2020's releases... i d k. made a playlist because i still do not fully comprehend HOW TF to use this godawful app. soon enough noticed how tHE ONE. WHOLE. UNAVAILABLE SONG. 「君のくつ」 i immediately recognised the title it was one of the FIRST I EVER HEARD, and thus SURELY the MOST nostalgic and... goddamn.

cue an attempt to listen to it ELSEWHERE? youtube just showed me. a cover. o-ohhh but it WAS, *VERY* nostalgic!!! but NOT THEM. so, i tried another site. it was a *japanese* lyrics site. it actually had a link. to a youtube video. region block. of. course. ........so, my DUMB ASS has just never bothered with a vpn in all these years (used to use proxies on occasion, but...) —so i did not have one handy!! but after NOT TOO MUCH STRUGGLE, i found a jp one (and the site actually seemed familiar? h-huh...) AND GOT IT TO WORK

AND LISTENED TO THE SONG!!! HELL YEAH, NOSTALGIA

....and then the eventual emotional crash. sigh.

i didn't even listen to the pl yet or discover any other songs i used to know, great! and nvm the idea to try to d/l the song cos even tho i HAD it, who knows, now? but ofc MY vpn didn't do jack shit for the mp3 converter websites accessing it from hell knows where. and again. i'm too dumb, to solve, these fucking issues!!

...

so then there was yesterday's shit. the power got shut off by 11am, curtailing my original plans for TMR. unable to even do chores, and lacking ANY offline activities or crafts in this hellhole, i ended up... reading —INITIALLY ONE. and then, ONE BY ONE— ALL, of my, ancient ass, OC writings. the ones i made like a single file each for, thought about in bed for days/weeks until the next ""idée fixe"" took over, but then eventually neglected in favour of my "top 3"...

well there was ACTUALLY some good/cute stuff. a LOT of cringe stuff. shameless asides laughing at my own cringe-but-free writing ability. peppered here & there with many an ancient ass meme phrase i hadn't heard in a decade+

and ofc, far too much, incomplete scenes, suddenly stopped, SOMETIMES NOTED with, "i'll write that later" and then i never. did. (and yet i KNOW there were more scenes??? so it was. thought up in bed. and never typed up....) (;_; )

well that was FUN. ...until the crash. from the high. and the power was still off ofc. *power eventually paid & resolved by 7pm* BUT. the damage was already done.

brain now overloaded with "freshly unearthed" thoughts about ALL of my OCs, not just my top 3 stories.... oh, god.

a-and THEN i started wondering how they looked? i.e. my pathetic maplestory sprites created in bannedstory (rip in pieces)

and so i. eventually dug into my dropbox. o-oh god. SOME ARE. SOOOOOOOOCUTE. SOME ARE. SO ugly. l-lol. cry. "they'll look better when i finally draw them! these are just design drafts!" .......CRYYYYYY.

and NOW i'm plagued by thoughts of posting them, but even MORE tormented by:

a.) not being to edit or adjust any!!! fucking pixels!! on ipad!!

b.) even CROPPING the massive "collages" is a HUGE PAIN on the ipad???

c.) there are multiple versions, across different images, made at different times— and SOME charas look better in one, while others look better in another?!? MORE CUT PASTE CROP EDIT HELL

...nvm all these .bsproj files that can no longer be accessed or loaded up and edited and.... cries. GOD I BET EVEN IF ANY SUCCESSOR APP TRIED TO IMPLEMENT THEM, THEY'D LACK THE ABILITY TO READ THE COLOUR ADJUSTMENTS I TOOK ENTIRELY TOO MUCH ADVANTAGE OF a-and then if i loaded 'em up. HORRID, AWFUL ORANGE HAIR THAT I HAD DESATURATED TO SOME SEMBLANCE OF "SILVER", OR GREEN EYES HUE SHIFTED TO TEAL OR, OR, OR—

[thedaveandkimmershow]

I won't lie. I'm pretty sure I equate watching Christmas movies and TV shows with actually doing something at Christmastime. For sure the experience conjures that Christmastime vibe for me.

This year, for whatever reason, Christmas movies and TV shows didn't make it into our Christmastime experience.

Full disclosure: we've been watching Big Bang Theory and The Diplomat. Don't know what to tell you. Our brains are just in that gear this season.

So.

What have we done???

Well, we managed our enduring tradition of mailing our friends and family this years' Collision-Ris Christmas cards along with the 411 on our year. The lovely thing about this tradition is that, for the time that I'm actually writing inside the Christmas card to a specific family, a specific friend, I'm actively thinking about them, about their year, and about our wishes for them in the New Year.

Kimmer's already got a bunch of Christmas baked goodies cooked. Therfore I've already got a bunch of Christmas baked goodies tasting done.

HUZZAH!

Interestingly, this season we picked up the morning habit of setting in motion a YouTube video of a Christmas village with sweet Christmas carols played on piano to soundtrack the beginning of our days. We both decided this year that "In The Bleak Midwinter" is one of our favorite Christmas carols now because of the BBC series "Ghosts". Without that framing, though, we'd never think a song with "bleak" in the title could possibly be a Christmas carol.

I don't know where Kimmer 'n Linzy are with their Christmas shopping... but I'm done as of today. Managed that over the last two-and-a-half weeks, accomplished through a combination of in-store and on-line shopping that did not make me crazy. (More on the specifics after Christmas 😉)

Blogging this month turned into a protracted meditation on Hope and what it means and takes to successfully and sustainably help people in need. Even all the different things "in need" can mean.

Charles Dickens and his book "A Christmas Carol" are on my mind every day as I pick through certain pages of that book for deeper dives.

During our days at home, I've got a coupla soundtracks going: a classic rock Christmas YouTube playlist and a playlist that contains only covers of "Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas" that range from voice and acoustic guitar to full choir and orchestra.

As soon as lights and decorations went up outdoors and in stores this year, I started documenting them in photographs at thrift stores, neighborhoods, and downtowns.

We haven't listened to specific advent podcasts but our morning routine does include podcasts about faith and the implications of faith in the world.

I think our Christmas tree's been up for a weeks. Which is different 'cause we had our original, immortal tree that we bought from Target when Linzy was three... we had that tree up for twenty-two years, only taking it down (along with the tree in our apartment) when we moved back into the house earlier this year.

So yeah. For the first time in twenty-two years we actually had no Christmas tree in our house, lighted or decorated.

That first tree wound up with our friends at the local Value Village, hopefully for the beginning of some other family's Christmas traditions. We're using, instead, the tree from our apartment that's narrower and fits the space better.

And yeah.

We already know it's staying up.

No question about that. It looks perfect right where it is.

It makes our living room work.

So far, the new tree has a string of multicolored lights running up the trunk with at least two strings of white lights circling the tips of the branches, a compromise Kimmer 'n I settled on probably the first year of our marriage as her family was a white Christmas tree lights family and my family was a multicolored Christmas tree lights family. Not exactly the Hatfields and McCoys...

But still a thing to navigate.

Which we continue to do.

As for Christmas tree ornaments?

Yeah. Right now we're starting from scratch with at least three crates of ornaments representing different phases of our family Christmas tree aesthetic.

So.

Do we choose one of those?

Do we conjure something new?

Or do we fashion something in-between.

Three sleeps to go until Christmas Day... we're gonna figure that out right soon.

This recent Saturday, we set up lights around our living room window and around the French doors of our dining room french doors. Also put one set of mesh lights on the bush next to our front door and quickly realized that one is not enough. Too narrow. So it's supplemented with a random string of lights that, just as randomly, works.

Hand to God. I threw it on there... and the whole thing looks of a piece.

Sunday we strung icicle lights along the gutter from above our front door to the edge of the front face of our garage. Which means we no longer look like we're the only ones in the neighborhood NOT celebrating Christmastime.

One December tradition I don't always manage but sometimes I do... I managed this year a visit to the gravesite of my old neighborhood bible school teacher for whom I had not an ounce of respect when I was an A.D.D. grade school kid and for whom I developed a ton of respect as I, you know, grew up. She used to visit my parent's home this time of year to drop off a card and a gift for my birthday and Christmas... and then later when she couldn't get around so well I would walk the couple blocks to her home instead this time of year.

It's a habit, a tradition, that continues to this day (as I can), with flowers and a card at her gravesite.

So yeah. It's been Christmastime for us in a bunch of different ways that suit the season.

With three sleeps until Christmas, one sleep until my birthday, and New Year's just around the corner, the Christmastime vibe is gonna shoot up even more as we head into downtown Seattle tomorrow to do a bit of our own Christmas adventuring and photography which is a thing we used to do a ton with 35mm SLR cameras slung around our necks when we first started dating. Then it's Christmas Eve day and then literally Christmas Eve and then finally Christmas itself... all three days for which we already have plans across 'em. With peace, rest, and relaxation baked into those plans.

So with any luck...

It should be a lovely next few days.

Merry Christmas!

☺️

[macherietiffany]

2/365 ✨ 2 janvier 2023 🌙 Today is our last day at the cabin; we leave by 4. I finished a book and a cup of coffee on the swing this morning, and after that, a final meander around the property. It was strangely alive for the second of January. Only a week ago, this hillside was covered in deep gloom as winter storm Elliot brought with him a blanket of snow and temperatures -3 degrees below zero. But reprieve has come, and along with her brought a little surge of life: intermittent sunshine playing behind clouds, tiny mushrooms popping up in the rich moisture of the melted snow, even a sprinkle of premature dandelions complete with visiting ants and small bees out of season. Bluebirds, sparrows, and cardinals dot around, scratching with their feet and chirping contentedly in a collective sigh of relief. There is a steady but gentle breeze, and squirrels play in the barren branches above. Linus is napping in a spot of sun. Before preparing for departure, I decided to forage a little sample of beauties and create a memory: a spotted leaf, dry seed pods, a tiny mushroom, a dandelion, and sawdust from the campfire wood pile, all set among a cabin sign, a strip of mossy bark, the velvety deerskin from the living room, and the lichen-covered picnic table. I can take a snapshot of these things, but what I cannot capture is the sound up here. From the porch I often hear birds, wind, critters moving, an airplane or chainsaw, the sounds of the swing, an occasional voice or passing car or tractor from down the hillside, or Garret whistling inside. But at times, when I am perfectly still, there is only quiet — something I don’t get to experience at my house in the heart of my town. That is something I wish I could bottle up and take home. I used to always fill the air with some sound, whether it be a Spotify playlist or a vinyl record, an audiobook or YouTube video. I think I was trying to drown out my own brain. But the older I get, the more I appreciate listening to *nothing*. It is rare, and usually means I had a moment where there wasn’t anything pressing on me. So, like a snapshot of a bee or a stone in a pocket, the sound of “nothing” is also something to remember. (at Cumberland County, Kentucky) https://www.instagram.com/p/Cm7Ow55J92nxZapP_iIZLsTHcsP9eLICMFSmmE0/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[thevaudevilledemon]

Something I’m just putting out as a thought

You know those two words, those two most frustrating words anyone has to hear, and they are almost equally frustrating to sat. Two words no parent wants to hear, “I’m bored”.

“I’m bored”

Why be bored, why not play with your toys, watch a movie, do something, anything?

Well, this may just be a random thought from one autistic person who has been trying to figure themselves out for a couple years now, but maybe “I’m bored”, doesn’t actually ONLY mean “I’m bored”.

I started thinking about what I’m actually saying when I say “I’m bored” and I’ve come up with two possibilities.

1). “I’ve done everything I wanted and/or needed to do today and I still have so many hours left in my day and I don’t know how to spend them.”

2). “I want to do something with you (friend/family member)”

Now, the question of course comes “Why don’t you go do something?” Which is an easy question to answer with both interpretations of the line. It’s either “I don’t want to do <thing>” or “I want to do something with you”.

Of course, now the question comes up “Why don’t you want to do <thing>?”, well, that is a good question, <thing> kept you entertained before, why not now? Well, that is an easy answer, imagine listening to the same song over and over and over again, and there you go.

I hate falling into monotony, so when I catch myself just continuously doing something, I’m gonna find that I’m not even doing that thing because I enjoy it, I’m doing it out of sheer boredom. You know that kind of activity, putting on a movie or TV show as background noise, picking a playlist just to skip several songs in a row, logging in 555.7 hours on a game on Steam simply because it’s mindless enough that you can put a YouTube video over it (Gmod, Viscera, looking your way), and of course the most dreaded of these activities, boredom eating, snacking on stuff not even because your hungry, but simply because it is just something to do.

Well here’s the thing, being under-stimulated is a bad thing, and when our movies, games, shows or whatever just don’t stimulate our brains anymore, what else is there to do? When everything we want to do in a day is done, what else is there to do?

I was told one day that “Being bored makes you create your own fun and makes you find something to do”, but my experience has always been being bored leads me to play games I’ve lost interest in ages ago because they’re just mindless enough for me to play some music or a 2 hour YouTube video while playing it (Cough Viscera cough).

Of course, environment is also a big factor, I play Viscera a lot, not just because I can put something on in the background while playing it, but also because my bedroom (My private area since I still live with my dad), is not exactly set up for optimal use. I have to decide whether I want to watch a movie or play a game on one of my consoles, then I had to hook up to VCR-DVD player hybrid or the console I want to play, and I’ll be playing and watching it on my bed, which is not optimal at all since I’m not trying to sleep I’m simply trying to enjoy my day, then I’d have to decide which game or movie I’m in the mood for, which probably means I’d have to go digging for my DVDs or PS2 games, and you know what, I just don’t feel like putting in that amount of effort for an activity that my space is not optimally set up for.

I doubt I’m the only one to think of this, but ultimately, at the end of the day when I’m bored, it usually means I have done everything I wanted to do and it’s only 3:00, or I want to do something with other people, and saying “Well go do this”, is not helpful when you aren’t in the mood to do something. That is the big part about it, people don’t really seem to realize that you do kind of have to be in a certain mood to do things, like there are times I’m not really in the mood to watch a movie, maybe because I’m in a mood for stimming so I’ll go for a walk, maybe I’m tired and don’t want to go for a walk so I’ll put on a movie, maybe I’m tired and don’t want to go for a walk or watch a movie, what then?

Don’t think of boredom as “Being lazy” or “wanting more than you already have”, I think of boredom as a form of confusion.

[nofatclips]

Hello “ how do you listen to your music if I may ask ?? Do you use speakers or headphones 🎧 ?? Is it a moment for yourself or together with family.. ??? I thought I do it in the “ ask me anything “ feature from Tumblr . One of the latest song you add here you surprised me a lot with it because it is relaxing for my mind plus for my buzzing ears conditioning that particular music works very well with headphones 🎧 it so surrounded ⭕️

While I’m writing this it is a reminder to someone I lost “ so many years ahead she was l think 💭.

So strange you gave me some endorfine this day thanks ✨

You're welcome!

So today, during the smart working era, listening to music is a choice, thank goodness, and I choose headphones or loudspeakers according to the situation--day or night, alone (mostly) or with my wife--and the genre. However, when I worked at the office, being constantly immersed in sound was a necessity to maintain "the flow", because I was in the same room with 15 other persons and that didn't allow me to remain focused: music was my gateway to "the zone". I basically had the headphones on for 9 hours a day, which is why today I try to use them as little as possible! (But as you said, some genres really require headphones to be fully appreciated!)

I usually pick the records I listen to carefully and in advance, according to a fixed routine, with one exception: while driving, I put an USB drive with part of my music collection in the car stereo and let the random selector decide the playlist. Between records, I listen to a lot of stuff from YouTube to find new records and new artists to listen to. To help me with my routine I have a little sheet that looks like this

Well, these are the first 2 layers, there are a couple more... Looks like a pain in the ass, but my brain seems to like it and who am I to judge my own brain? XD

[themonotonysyndrome]

REDACTED verse - A special night

Prompt: Any Fandom | Any Characters/Pairings | Ordering a sweet treat to be delivered to the other person at home/work

Word Count: 2,136

Author/Team: LadyMonotone

Fandom/Original: Redacted ASMR (Gavin/Freelancer. Vincent Solaire/Lovely) 

Rating: T

Triggers: NA

Summary: Having an Incubus boyfriend comes with many perks. The Freelancer and Lovely really should have seen it coming. 

ConCrit: Y 

Well, I guess this can be a sequel to my previous oneshot, REDACTED verse - Those that stood above the rest. I really wanted to write the Freelancer and Lovely interacting after their first, proper meeting so this oneshot suddenly comes to mind! 

-

Exam week is the bane of every student, everywhere — even for the magical ones. 

An uneasy atmosphere lingers around D.A.M.N as the current semester hurl the students into an intense week of revisions, study groups, and extra classes; all for the upcoming exams. 

The seniors are frantically cramming for their final papers and projects under the watchful eyes of the lecturers. The Freelancer doesn't envy them one bit when they caught a Sonal Energetic screamed into his backpack for a solid ten minutes. 

His scream shakes the student lounge, and the windows shattered. 

Once he got that out of his system, he focused back towards his textbook, expressionless. The rest of the students around the Energetic hardly bat an eye over what just happened. 

On that day, the Freelancer learned to avoid a large group of seniors until the exam week blows over. 

"The tension alone in that lounge could make a Serenity Daemon hide underneath a bed." The Freelancer narrates their experience to Lovely. The two of them are currently having their own study session over at the Freelancer's apartment. 

It's a beautiful Saturday afternoon, and yet here they are - flipping through textbooks, reviewing and swapping notes and downing cans of coffee and Red Bulls from as early as 9 AM. "Even the janitor wasn't fazed by it. He just snapped his fingers, and the windows were good as new!"

That night after their proper introduction, Lovely and the Freelancer had become quite good friends, much to Vincent's annoyance and Gavin's pleased smirk when the Freelancer told him that Lovely would be coming over for their study session. 

"Aww, look you, Deviant. Arranging a little study date with that friend of yours," Gavin teased during breakfast this morning. They both woke up early to prepare meals that could last the Freelancer and Lovely throughout the whole day. When his Deviant absentmindedly replied, "Uh-huh" as they were busy chopping the vegetables, Gavin couldn't help but plant a fond kiss on top of their head. "Anyway, I'll be popping into Aria for a bit today. A few of my, ah, older brothers and sisters called for a meeting. Can I trust that you two won't be having too much fun without me?"

The Freelancer stopped chopping to gave their boyfriend a deadpan stare. "Gavin, we'll be studying." They explained. "Our first paper is literally next week. So I'm sorry to burst your bubble, but there won't be any fucking happening." They then stop themselves. They suddenly recalled something. "I don't want to be on that Solaire Prince's hit list too."

Gavin just cooed at their disgruntled partner, as if the genuine possibility that the both of them being shred to pieces by Lovely's possessive boyfriend amused him. 

Nonetheless, Gavin pulled his weight to ensure there was enough food and comfortable pillows and blankets in their shared apartment so that his Deviant and the Electro Energetic would be comfortable for their revisions. 

An hour before Lovely arrived, Gavin kissed the Freelancer goodbye and Rifted into his home dimension. 

And now we're back in the present. 

"I think those students around that guy were his classmates," Lovely commented. They take a quick sip of the lemonade that Gavin prepared to refresh their parched throat. Even in a simple pair of slacks, baggy t-shit, and hair pulled up in a bun, they still look as breathtaking as ever. "They reacted as if it was like a regular Tuesday for them. It's so crazy to think that we'll be seniors like them soon."

The Freelancer pours more lemonade into their glass from the pitcher beside them. Their books, notebooks and snacks are spread all over the dining table. A large and fluffy pillow is propped behind the Freelancer so they can lean back on their chair comfortably. "Urgh, mood. I can already imagine the coursework we'll be forced to do in our final semester." They groan. Their brain is fried from all the information and notes they've been reviewing since this morning. On top of that, the thought that they will be getting even more work once they hit their senior year is starting to freak them out. 

Seeing the Freelancer is having an internal crisis, Lovely quickly glance at the time on their phone and decides, "OK, I think we seriously need a break. You look like you're going to pull a stunt similar to that Sonal Energetic, and I don't think your boyfriend appreciates coming back to a half-destroyed apartment."

"Gavin can fix the apartment with his magic, don't worry." The Freelancer is quick to assure Lovely. "He did that after he and Vega trashed the place anyway."

"Uh, what? Who's Vega?"

The Freelancer snapped their attention back to Lovely once they realised the name that they accidentally dropped. "N-Nothing! I didn't s-say anything!" They laugh awkwardly, doing their best to brush off Lovely's concerned expression. "Anyway, break! Yeah! That's a good idea! Are you hungry? We can watch something on Youtube and eat in the living room. You're OK with that?"

Lovely gingerly nods; it's best not to comment or ask about this Vega person since the name alone made their friend jumpy. They push their chair back, stretch their stiff spine, and get up to help set the plates and cutleries while the Freelancer heats the lunch they made in the morning. 

They then move to the living room with a tray of food and drinks, where the couch and coffee table are surrounded by pillows and blankets thrown around messily. 

"You play video games, right?" The Freelancer asked after Lovely settle down on the couch with a blanket over their lap. "Do you want to watch a playthrough or something?"

"Sure! Do you and Gavin play video games too?"

"Gavin does, though he usually only plays those dating sim games for girls. It's a guilty pleasure of his."

"Oh, Otome Games? My respect for your boyfriend just levelled up. Has he ever played Hatoful Boyfriend?"

"Uh... I don't remember he ever mentioned that title. What is it about?"

"We're watching a playthrough of that game. Right now. You can watch it with me, but you can't tell Gavin anything, OK? I promise you're going to love his reactions."

Lovely's eyes light up with glee and grin widely as the Freelancer switch on the Smart TV. When thumbnails of pigeons with pink hearts in the background pop up on the screen, they immediately throw an incredulous look at the Energetic. 

"That top playlist is good to watch. Come on, sit beside me." Lovely pats on the empty spot on the couch beside them, unperturbed at the look the Freelancer is giving them. "I think you're going to like Okosan."

The Freelancer press play on the first video and kick back on the couch with the Energetic. What's better than having a break after a long study session? Hanging out with a friend with some good food while watching a crazy romance video game about pigeons! 

However, when the fourth video starts to play, the doorbell rings. 

"Uh... are you expecting someone?" Lovely asks curiously; their head is tilting towards the door. Their plate of eggplant pasta and buttered abalones are polished on their lap. The Freelancer internally preened when they enthusiastically complimented on theirs and Gavin's cooking skills. 

Anyway, the Freelancer moves their empty tray onto the coffee table and flip over the blanket to get up. "Not really. Gavin said he'll be coming back home at night." They explain and went towards the door when the doorbell ring once more. 

A delivery man greets the Freelancer with a stoic face, an armful of flower bouquet, and a thick, rectangular item wrapped in hot red packaging. 

"I, uh, think you got the wrong address?" They said, confused to hell and back. 

The delivery man blinks, unfaze at the Freelancer's greeting. "Good afternoon. Delivery for..." He pauses to read the card attached to the bouquet. "Deviant? We received a request from Gavin to arrange a flower bouquet and some... special chocolates. He also left a message for you: My Deviant has been working so hard lately~ So I got you something to... help you relax. PS: give some of the special chocolates to that gorgeous friend of yours and their boyfriend."

The Freelancer could only gape when the delivery man finished reciting Gavin's message. From the living room, Lovely is also doing an excellent mimicking of a goldfish. Their stunned expression made the man sigh tiredly. "Look, I'm not going to judge your... bedroom activities. Just take the packages already. I still have more stops to deliver."

"O-Oh my god! I'm really, really sorry about my boyfriend!" The Freelancer finally snaps out of it and stammers an apology. Their face is bright red. They hurriedly accept the flowers and package, shoot a quick thank you and slams the door shut. 

Lovely watches as the Freelancer stares into the bouquet with a mixed feeling, something between fondness and extreme embarrassment, before they scream into the large sunflowers. 

They patiently wait for the Freelancer to get it out of their system before Lovely delicately asks, "So, uh, does Gavin do these sort of things often?"

"No. This is the first time ever." The Freelancer replies. Their voice is muffled because the flowers are still pressed onto their face. "That's what I get for dating an Incubus, I supposed..."

"Aww, don't be embarrassed, dude! I think it's super sweet how much Gavin loves you. Flowers and chocolates? Boy got some serious game; might even give Vincent a run for his money, and you should've seen how we first met."

The Freelancer peeks through the petals and is relieved to find that Lovely wasn't put off by Gavin's forward nature. In fact, they are very accepting of the Freelancer and Gavin's relationship.

Feeling the warmth on their cheeks slowly disappearing, the Freelancer made their way back to the couch. The rectangular package is tossed onto the couch, and the bouquet is on the coffee table. The Freelancer figured they could put the fresh flowers in a water-filled vase later. 

"The guy said that Gavin sent you some chocolates?" Lovely reiterate as the Freelancer began to untie the ribbon and unwraps the box. 

"Special chocolates, and knowing Gavin, I kinda have an idea of what kind of chocolates they are." They admit and make quick work of tearing the paper wrappings. 

Apparently, Gavin ordered two types of chocolates for his Deviant. One box holds a fancy gourmet assortment of salted almonds dipped in rich Belgium chocolate, double chocolate raspberry truffles, vanilla pieces powdered with light matcha and some white praliné hearts. 

Lovely whistle, impressed over the spread. "Your boyfriend really went all out for you!"

The box below it contains rows of heart-shaped chocolates, but the short message written on the card of said box proves it's anything but ordinary treats. 

'These are homemade chocolates made by one of my close associates. She's a Succubus, by the way, and renowned for her aphrodisiac desserts. You can try some first if your Energetic friend doesn't mind being a voyeur.'

The Freelancer promptly throws away the card and cues them, and Lovely shrieking in embarrassment. Neither of them expects the second batch of chocolates. 

"These are sexy chocolates? Like, legit aphrodisiac chocolates made with magic!? Oh my god, I didn't know they were a thing!"

"I didn't either! I was expecting sex toys below the chocolates!"

"Wait - didn't Gavin wants to give these to Vincent and me!? Dude, does he has a thing for Vincent? Because at this point, I should tell you: he noticed that Gavin was purposely riling us up when they first met, and he's been thinking that your boyfriend is out to get him. But, uh, not in the sexy way, but I'm thinking otherwise now. And if that's the case, then you can warn that Incubus to be ready and catch these hands."

The Freelancer groans and hides their face in their hands. "OK, you know what? I'm going to put the special chocolates in the fridge, and then we'll continue watching a few more videos from the playthrough and get back to studying."

"... You're in denial."

"I'm just trying to keep whatever sanity I have left. It's been a crazy year."

"Urgh, tell me about it."

-

That night, at Lovely's and Vincent's apartment: 

"Vincent, baby? I'm back. Look what I got!"

"Welcome home, Lovely. Dinner's ready if you're hungry. Hmm? What's that?"

"It's homemade aphrodisiac chocolates made by a Succubus. Gavin and the Freelancer gave some to us."

"...I'm gonna punch that Incubus in his smug ass face."

"...Does that mean you don't want them in the bedroom tonight?"

"OK, I'll punch him tomorrow. C'mere, Lovely. I've missed you."

"Yeah, that's what I thought."

[tranquilstudy]

Hey everyone! So I've seen a lot of these floating around and I've always wanted to make one but just never had the creative incentive to do so... until now! I think these are pretty cool in how they allow people to get to know each other and bond on the studyblr community and as a community of welcoming and acceptance. Not all of the challenges on here are study-related but I think they make pretty decent conversation starters for people to get to know you and your studies better! Because this may be a time for people to take a break from school as well, I think the questions are fairly fitting. But, it's my first time doing this so who knows, haha.

Basic Information

The challenge will run from kind of a weird time: May 2nd, 2021 to May 27th, 2021. However, you can start or stop at any time! Feel free to participate in this whenever you feel like it. Everyone is welcome!

There are 25 26 prompts / challenges, and they range from strictly academia to just fun prompts to spruce up your posts. It's honestly more about getting to know yourself and where you direct your energy. There's questions for productive days and questions for days when you just wanna crawl into a ball and fall asleep forever. The most important part is having fun and connecting with others here, that's why I decided to make this. They're meant to be answered once a day, but know that you can answer however your posting schedule fits you! I know for me I don't typically post everyday so I'll probably be answering these in a bit of a wonky fashion. Feel free to join me or answer them on the dime!

If you decide that you wanna participate, whether at the designated time or not, feel free to use the tag #tranquilstuddybuddies ! I'll be following it and I'm excited to see what you guys come up with. Also, please reblog this post so that I know you're at least thinking of doing it! Even if you don't end up doing it. I'll create a taglist below as I see more people becoming interested and reblogging this post so we can all stay connected!

Questions

Daily Question: So, I've been doing a lot of yoga lately.

...I swear this will all make sense.

And I've been doing a lot of Yoga with Adrienne on YouTube, and in her practices she always tells her followers to set intentions for themselves, which I thought was really cool. So, I'm gonna borrow her idea here!

For every day of the challenge, you can answer one or two of the following:

1. Fill in the blank: Today, I choose _______. (Kind of like an affirmation for your day.

2. Fill in the blank: Today, my goals are __________. (Like a to-do list! what are your plans for the day? What do you want to accomplish?)

These are meant to be done along with the prompt for each given day. So , for Day One you would answer the daily question(s) as well as the prompt for Day One, and so on. They don't have to be answered but it might be a nice way to set yourself up for success, both in an academic and a mental mindset.

...

Prompt questions:

Day One: Tell us a little bit about yourself! What classes are you currently taking, if any? If not, what are you currently studying or what is your current long term productive projects or goals?

Day Two: Choose one: "True love flows like water, coming and going, surging and receding, and must be followed accordingly." or "True love is choosing someone or something, over and over, no matter what." Explain your choice if you'd like! Kind of a philosophical way to get the brain churning.

Day Three: Share some pictures from your favourite vacation or travels. What's your favourite part of this place? (Or, if thinking of travelling makes you sad because of covid restrictions, take a picture of your study area and tell me what you love most about it!)

Day Four: What are you doing to take care of yourself today? Show us a picture of your favourite face mask, tea / coffee / hot beverage or your comfort activity.

Day Five: What is your favourite band? Share some of your favourite songs from them! (Bonus points if you also share your study playlist with us, or what you like to listen to to get in "the zone").

Day Six: What do you do on days that you feel blue? Share three songs that help you feel better.

Day Seven: What type of learner are you? (Visual learner, audial learner, etc.)

Day Eight: Tag someone that you would love to stargaze with, talking about anything that comes to mind deep into the night. Can be a studyblr, or it doesn't have to be!

Day Nine: Tag someone that you think deserves to have more recognition in the study community. What are two things you like about them?

Day Ten: What would you love to learn more about or do more of?

Day Eleven: What article of clothing that you own makes you feel your best? Share it today!

Day Twelve: Do you have any pets? Share a picture and an interesting fact about them!

Day Thirteen: What class have you had the most fun in during your academic journey? What class have you learned the most in?

Day Fourteen: Do you believe that dreams reflect real life? What do you think dreams represent? (Kind of a random one, but interesting I think)

Day Fifteen: Within your field of study, what particular issues are you the most passionate or interested in? OR, what subject or class in school is your favourite?

Day Sixteen: What is your process for writing notes?

Day Seventeen: What time do you usually go to bed? Do you find falling asleep easy or difficult? How do you cope with not being able to fall asleep?

Day Eighteen: If you're comfortable with it, share an experience or a struggle that has helped you to become who you are today. (If you're not comfortable, share a picture of your handwriting instead!)

Day Nineteen: How would you describe your best friend? How do you think your best friend would describe you?

Day Twenty: What book(s) are you currently reading, if anything?

Day Twenty-One: What keeps you motivated? What motivation tips would you give to someone in a slump right now?

Day Twenty-Two: What do you use to escape from reality, if anything? Do you think it's necessary to escape from reality every once in a while?

Day Twenty-Three: Tag yourself: Team "late night matcha lattes, snuggled up with a blanket for one last late night review session" or Team "staying out late at the soda shop, drinking a milkshake and popping quarters into the jukebox, dancing your cares away"? (Team cozy matcha or team sodapop for short)

Day Twenty-Four: Share your favourite recipe for one of your favourite dishes to make! Can be cooking or baking.

Day Twenty-Five: Tag someone that gets you. On, like, a higher level. They just get you.

Day Twenty-Six: The end of the challenge! What did you like or dislike about this challenge? What did you enjoy? What did you learn? What are your plans for the future now that this challenge is over?

Well, I can't count. I thought there were 25 questions... *sigh* this is why I failed stats...

Taglist

@lampstudy @notionblr @asterinunfathomed @predvmstudies @itsleahstudies @divinity-study @helianthuscryptid @jkjustplanning @econtwin1 @leillee @mangofiend @mangomybeloved @agriblr @fromtheatretomedical @elentiascodex @finchleaf :)

[pleaseburymeinfiction]

Today's song recommendation plus a little emotional brain dump.

So I was scrolling through YouTube shorts and slowly I started seeing more and more of these right wing shorts that just confused me so much and made me so sad but I didn't really wanna make a comment so I just bottled it all up. The one that made me quit the scrolling for good was a woman saying that one of the biggest red flags I a woman is if she says she's a feminist. 🤯🤯🤯

So at this point my brain was just mush and I decided to listen to some music instead and try to go to sleep. So played this really nice playlist that I'm going back to as soon as I finish writing this.

The second song was one I'd heard a hundred times. But this time a specific set of lyrics were my undoing and I broke down crying.

The song ? This one.

The lyrics ? Here.

And yeah....that was a much needed release. Taylor Swift I love you. 🤎

[marshmellowtea]

i woke with her walls around me, nothin' in her room but an empty crib

listen on 8tracks here.

listen on youtube here.

this is a playlist for mia and ethan winters, spanning across their relationship pre and post resident evil 7 and 8 (though it mostly focuses on resident evil 7 and the space in between the games). the songs are ordered in a way that’s meant to loosely order the events of said games, though of course things don’t always match up exactly. i hope other mithan enthusiasts will enjoy this, cuz i had a lot of fun making it! :P 

tracklist, annotations and timeline under the cut: 

Pre Resident Evil 7

1. When the Day Met the Night - Panic! at the Disco 

When the moon found the sun // He looked like he was barely hanging on // But her eyes saved his life // In the middle of summer ... Well, he was just hanging around, then he fell in love // And he didn't know how, but he couldn't get out // Just hanging around, then he fell in love 

2. Fidelity - Regina Spektor 

I never loved nobody fully // Always one foot on the ground // And by protecting my heart truly // I got lost in the sounds

3. Who’d Have Known - Lily Allen 

I haven't left you for days now // And I'm becoming amazed how // You're quite affectionate in public // In fact your friend said it made her feel sick // And even though it's moving forward // There's just the right amount of awkward // And today you accidentally called me "Baby"

4. Every Night - Imagine Dragons 

My mind is made up // Nothing could change that // I'm coming home to you // Every night, every night, every night, every night ... No matter, no matter, no matter what we're facing // It don't matter, it don't matter // 'Cause the reason that I'm here // Is the same through all these years // I'm not changing, I'm not changing anything at all

Resident Evil 7

5. Candy (Paulo Nutini Cover) - Marina

I was perched outside in the pouring rain // Trying to make myself a sail // Then I'll float to you my darling // With the evening on my tail // Although not the most honest means of travel // It gets me there nonetheless

6. Ilomilo - Billie Eilish 

Where did you go? // I should know, but it's cold // And I don't wanna be lonely // So show me the way home // I can't lose another life ... The world's a little blurry // Or maybe it's my eyes // The friends I've had to bury // They keep me up at night ... I tried not to upset you // Let you rescue me the day I met you // I just wanted to protect you // But now I'll never get to

7. Are You Hurting the One You Love? - Florence + the Machine 

Are you hurting the one you love? // And was it something you could not stop // Could not stop // Stop // Could not stop...

8. the run and go - Twenty One Pilots 

I am up against the wall, the wall // Pa, I hear them coming down the hall // I have killed a man and all I know is // I am on the run and go // Don't wanna call you in the nighttime // Don't wanna give you all my pieces // Don't wanna hand you all my trouble // Don't wanna give you all my demons // You'll have to watch me struggle // From several rooms away // But tonight, I'll need you to stay

9. American Beauty / American Psycho - Fall Out Boy 

You take the full, full truth, then you pour some out // You take the full, full truth, then you pour some out // And you can kill me, kill me or let God sort ‘em out // And you can kill me, kill me or...

10. Dixie Boy - April Smith And The Great Picture Show 

Don't make me come over there // 'Cause ladies, I'm a lady but please understand // When it comes to my boy, I will fight like a man // I will seek, and I will destroy // For the apple of my eye, my pride and joy // My Dixie Boy

11. Evelyn - Kim Tillman & Silent Films

I've been awake // To see the day // Devour the night // I've seen decay // Give way to growth // And make the most // Of nearly nothing ... These lofty thoughts are killing me // Preoccupied by what I could be // I get so high on my ideals // Don't call me down // But you can meet me where I land

Post Resident Evil 7

12. Woman Woman - AWOLNATION

I may be worthless without you // I'll never decide to replace you // Amen, the worst is behind us now // (Woman woman)

13. Holding Onto You - Twenty One Pilots 

I'm taking over my body, back in control, no more "shotty" // I bet a lot of me was lost, "T"'s uncrossed and "I"'s undotted ... You are surrounding, all my surroundings // Sounding down the mountain range of my left-side brain // You are surrounding, all my surroundings // Twisting the kaleidoscope behind both of my eyes // And I'll be holding on to you 

14. Tiptoe Through The True Bits - Los Campesinos! 

Girl, I helped you with your demons // But your ghosts are now haunting me too ... But if we tiptoe through the true bits // We might make it to the other side // What doesn't kill you leaves you wounded // But I will nurse you better, alright // I've been waking on your side of the bed // As the sun's been rising in the West

15. Like Real People Do - Hozier 

I knew that look, dear: eyes always seeking // Was there in someone that dug long ago // So I will not ask you why you were creeping // In some sad way, I already know // So I will not ask you where you came from // I would not ask and neither would you // Honey, just put your sweet lips on my lips // We should just kiss like real people do 

16. Me And My Husband - Mitski 

But me and my husband // We are doing better // It's always been just him and me // Together // So I bet all I have on that // Furrowed brow // And at least in this lifetime // We're sticking together // Me and my husband // We're sticking together // And I'm the idiot with the painted face // In the corner, taking up space // But when he walks in, I am loved, I am loved

Resident Evil 8/Post Resident Evil 8

17. Sleep Awake - Mother Mother

Lie awake, I sleep awake // I sleep with one hand on my 45, the other 'round my baby's waist // Lie awake, I sleep awake // I go to bed with all my lights turned on // So I don't slip away // I stay awake

18. Four Seasons - Los Campesinos! 

When I come home it will be with // Someone else's blood on my shirt // Another county's dirt on the knees of my ripped jeans // And I won't wanna talk about it ... As you bathe the stains from my skin // Only dirt is washed away // 'Cause all the bad lays far more deep // Please, I don't wanna talk about it

19. Work Song - Hozier 

When my time comes around // Lay me gently in the cold dark earth // No grave can hold my body down // I'll crawl home to her ... My babe would never fret none // About what my hands and my body done // If the Lord don't forgive me // I'd still have my baby and my babe would have me

20. I Will Follow You Into The Dark - Death Cab For Cutie 

Love of mine, someday you will die // But I'll be close behind; I'll follow you into the dark // No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white // Just our hands clasped so tight, waiting for the hint of a spark // If Heaven and Hell decide that they both are satisfied // Illuminate the "No"s on their Vacancy signs // If there's no one beside you when your soul embarks // Then I'll follow you into the dark

[maybedefinitely404]

Day 21: Prinxiety (pt 2)

@tsshipmonth2020

Day 21: Combine two soulmate prompts. (This will make sense soon, I promise.)

It’s the sequel you’ve all been waiting for! This is the second part to day 16 (read that first!!!!!), and y’all finally get to see what happened to Virgil! Please heed the trigger warnings below.

TRIGGER/content WARNINGS!! Anxiety, food mention, crappy foster system/group homes, implied past abuse, religious guilt/negative view of religion, homophobia, conversion therapy/abuse, starvation, sneaking medication (antipsychotics/side effects), electrocution, seizure, ambulance. I’m sorry. 

Word count: 3.8k

Unlike most kids in the foster system, Virgil didn’t know his birthday. He knew it was sometime in December, but that didn’t do much. Technically, birthdays weren’t really a huge thing anyways, not when the group home he rarely left was awfully underfunded, and a party came second to little things like working sinks and clothes without holes. Even still, all the other kids at least got a little cupcake and a half hearted birthday song on their special day, and his festivities were pushed onto Christmas. He didn’t get a weak excuse for a celebration, because the other kids ‘found it unfair’ that he got that and Christmas in the same month. To prevent an upheaval, the workers told him that he’d just have to be happy with what he got.

But it wasn’t fair, because some kids got Easter and a birthday, or Halloween and a birthday, or New Years and a birthday, and poor Virgil didn’t. The fact of the matter was, they plain didn’t like him. The other kids didn’t like that he got extra free time because of his anxiety, or was allowed to leave the table when they weren’t, and they especially didn’t like he was the youngest of the bunch. The youngest had the highest chance of getting adopted, it was just facts, so they had seemingly decided that if his stay here would be the shortest, it would be the most tortured. 

It wasn’t the shortest stay, though. With his barrage of anxiety related issues and group-home-toughened demeanor, no foster home wanted to deal with him. He was snarky, ran away, regularly got in fights with the biological children of the parents, and was promptly labeled a problem child. Eventually, it was deemed easier for him to just stay in a group home until he outgrew the system, since he seemed set to escape every other place. Virgil tried to pretend it didn’t hurt as much as it did; it was his fault, after all. As he watched all his older tormentors grow out of a crooked system, he resigned himself to the same fate. After all, he was almost sixteen now, and he knew his chances were out. So he stayed stuck in his group home, lashing out at his caretakers and therapists, refusing to eat unless it was alone in his room (technically, three kids slept in there, but he so rarely left it, and they wanted to avoid him, it was unofficially deemed his room), and listening to music on his phone.

He’d been given the phone on his fifteenth birthday, a gift from one of his caretakers. It was the cheapest piece of crap he’d ever seen, glitched out every other minute and needed to be charged at least three times a day, but it was a phone nonetheless. Granted, he had no one to text. But he had access to a computer, a totally one hundred percent legal music downloading website, and a strong sense of determination, so he’d soon filled the phone’s entire measly storage with all the music he could cram on the thing. 

That’s what he was doing on the night of December 18th, listening to his “Emo Playlist” on a pair of $4 Dollar Store earbuds, laying on his bed and finding shapes in his popcorn ceiling as the moon shone through the window. In the bunk beds across the room from him, his two other roommates were fast asleep, but he couldn’t follow suit. It was sadly normal for Virgil to have sleepless nights where no matter what, his anxious brain just wouldn’t shut off, and it just felt like one of those nights. His hands shook and his eyelids flinched every few seconds for no reason, so he turned the music just a little bit louder and tried to calm his breathing. 

It was just past 1 am when his life changed forever. 

He was on the fourth cycle of his playlist, eyes no more heavy than hours before and just as flinchy. It was just entering the “existential crisis” time of the night where he started questioning reality, and he was about to give in and start letting his mind drift to darker places, when a song distinctly not his began to play in the midst of a song switch.

How can you miss someone you’ve never met?

Because I need you now but I don’t know you yet,

But can you find me soon, because I’m in my head,

Yeah, I need you now but I don’t know you yet.

He froze, eyes suddenly wide open, and yanked the earbuds out of his ears. The song continued; not in his headphones, but in his head. It didn’t take an idiot to realize that it was his soulmate, responding, and as an afterthought, Virgil suddenly identified that today was probably his birthday. Both amazing revelations, but one was slightly more time sensitive. 

Desperately scrolling through his playlists as the song stopped after the chorus, he tried to find a song that would be an adequate introduction to this new person. When his eyes landed on a song from his Adele phase (he didn’t talk about that time) that he hadn’t had the energy to delete yet, he simultaneously groaned and grinned. Subtly meme-y, heartfelt like the song his soulmate had played, a decent greeting. He tapped play. 

Hello,

It’s me.

He hoped his soulmate had the same sense of humor of him and had actually given a laugh, since he was trying to stifle laughter behind his sleeve to avoid waking the sleeping kids. He paused after the first verse, since he didn’t really want to remember that phase of his life more than he had to, and waited for the other to play the next song. Hopefully they could work out some sort of rhythm, play songs back and forth. He for sure wouldn’t be able to sleep now.

(The next song his soulmate played was an almost atrocious obviously-musical-theatre song that almost made Virgil hit his head against the wall, so he retaliated with a favorite of his, the most ear assaulting screamo he could find on his playlist.)

The clock had just passed four in the morning when there was a small pause in the routine, before his soulmate played a children’s lullaby. It definitely wasn’t something you’d listen to in everyday life, so Virgil could only assume it was the other’s way of indicating that they had to sleep. As if I’m going to let you go that easily, Virgil smirked, opening YouTube and begging that the video he’d chosen would play without an ad.

It did, filling his crackling, cheap earbuds with the opening chorus of Baby Shark. Fight fire with fire, he decided, chuckling to himself as he turned off the song just before the ‘mommy shark’ verse. Silence filled his head and he mentally wished the other a good night, turning onto his stomach and screaming into his pillow, grinning madly. 

Eight months later, their new way of life was deeply imbedded into him; getting woken up at asscrack o’clock in the morning by a worker who wanted to be there as much as he did, and either playing his morning playlist to get himself slightly more ready to face another monotonous day or waiting in silence until his soulmate woke up and played their own music. He’d begrudgingly started to even enjoy the showtunes. Everyone around the home had noticed his gradual shift in attitude, and he couldn’t help the natural smiles that pulled at his cheeks when a new song played out of nowhere. It got to the point where his therapist noticed his lifted mood, and the other kids stopped avoiding him and, unknown to Virgil, his social workers decided that he was ready to try another foster home. 

That’s why, eight months later, there was a knock on his bedroom door and his main worker poked in her head, asking him to come downstairs. He’d been playing music for his soulmate, so he silently apologized and joined her at the dining room table, giving her a half hearted smile. 

“Virgil, we’ve found a new home for you. A foster home that specializes in… harder to place cases. They’ve opened their doors to you, and we’re hoping to get you into a trial period there within the next week.”

At first, Virgil vehemently refused. No. He didn’t want to go back to foster homes, not after… everything he went to in the first few. The ones that hurt him, the ones that were more densely crowded than group homes, the ones that turned him into the angry shell he was before he had met a sign of a possibly happy future. He didn’t want to lose the progress he’d made. 

But Bev looked so hopeful, so pleadingly at him, that he gave in after three days of denying. He said goodbye to the kids he’d unfortunately grown attached to, threw his few belongings into a black garbage bag, and got into his worker’s car for the first time in years. Just rebuckling that seatbelt caused a shudder to run up his spine. 

------1 month later------

“Virgil, what are you doing? Do you have earbuds in? We’ve made it abundantly clear that you are not to have technology at the table.”

Virgil fought every urge in his body to roll his eyes, flicking his hair behind his ears to show they were empty. It had gotten long and shaggy, just reaching his jaw in the back. “No earbuds. My soulmate’s listening to music, and it’s catchy.” Frankly, he was surprised he hadn’t been caught bopping along to silence before by the stiflers. 

They were nice enough, a woman and a man and their two biological children, but they were too religious for Virgil’s liking. He’d never had qualms with religion before, but he had grown tired of spending Saturdays and Sundays (his only days off from their homeschool regime) in a church, surrounded by older people singing repetitive songs and being yelled at by a guy on the pulpit. Faking being sick only worked so many times before they refused to listen to his excuses. They also insisted he go to a specialized youth group on Tuesdays, but that was easy enough to escape. He just waved by and booked it to the closest 7/11 when they left, making sure he was back at the church by the time it was over and made up some bullshit about the gathering. Jameson, the attendant at the gas station, was becoming the closest friend he’d ever had. 

“Your soulmate?” One of the children asked around a bite of toast, spitting a decent amount onto Virgil’s sleeve. 

“Like daddy and I, Mariam.” The woman explained briefly, not bothering to chastise her about speaking with her mouth full. 

“Yeah.” Unlike most of the kids at his old group home, he wasn’t warming up to theirs. They were too spoiled, too bratty. One had even bit him in his first week here and he was still bitter about it. 

“When did you connect with yours, Virgil?” The question wasn’t asked kindly, more for the sake of being polite, and he assumed if he didn’t answer in an equally polite tone, they’d probably make him paint a fence or something. 

He knew they cared about his bond about as much as he did about theirs. Which was approximately none. The mom took her children’s empty plates and placed them in the sink, Virgil quickly following suit. No use losing more computer time because he didn’t clean his plate.  

“Last December. I didn’t even know it was my birthday, and they started playing music out of nowhere. It was pretty cool.” He finished rinsing off his plate and was confused at the sudden stillness in the room.

“‘They’?” The mom asked, giving her husband what she must have believed to be a subtle glance.

“Uhm… yeah?” Virgil said slowly, “I’m bisexual. So I’m not sure if my partner’s a guy or a girl or… something in between. So… they?” 

He stared with rising anxiety as the two parents had a silent interaction over the kitchen island, before the dad stood up. “Kids, plates in the sink and then go get ready for church. Virgil, you too.”

There was minimal whining as the younger ones did as they were asked, racing each other up the stairs. Virgil followed, slower, listening to hushed beginnings of a conversation, unable to fight the feeling that he’d just royally fucked up. 

------------------------

“Virgil, may we speak with you for a moment?”

He froze, slowly turning from where he’d been half way up the stairs. They’d just wrapped up lessons for the day (Virgil never thought he’d miss an actual school building before, but alas) and the kids had been excused, leaving just him and the parents behind. It had been almost a week since the incident, and a part of him had been hoping they’d just drop it. There wasn’t much they could do, anyways; if their religion conflicted so badly with his sexuality, the worst they would do is send him back to the home anyways. In all honesty, he kind of hoped they would. He was sick of being here, and it was better for his record if he didn’t run. 

Not that it mattered much anymore. He was almost aged out of the system anyways. 

He took a cautious seat back at the dining room table, which they had just cleared from classes. The mom sat back in her chair, eyeing him carefully, as the dad began to speak.

“We spoke with our pastor the other day, and we think it would be best if we put you in therapy.”

“I don’t…” He’d stopped regular therapy at the group home almost a month before coming here, and he couldn’t imagine why he’d need to go back. He definitely wasn’t happy here, but he didn’t figure a grumpy mood was enough to warrant counseling. “I don’t understand.”

“After… what you told us? About your… urges-”

“Urges.” He couldn’t help his own disgusted tone. Of course they were homophobic.

“Yes. Our pastor suggested we try conversion therapy.”

Virgil scoffed, but he couldn’t ignore the way his heart started pounding, “Right. As if you could ever get my social workers to approve that. Ward of the state, remember?” He tapped his chest a couple times.

“Fortunately, we already talked to your social worker, Virgil. We had it approved just this morning.” The man finally stopped, as if waiting for a response.

Virgil’s eyes grew wide as he looked frantically between the two of them, the woman quickly avoiding eye contact. That wasn’t normal. 

“There’s no way in hell that you-”

“Profanity, Virgil!” The man barked and Virgil shrank back in his chair, impulsively ducking to avoid a fist that didn’t come. They hadn’t hit him so far, but old habits die hard. “We’ve already signed you up. Your first session is tomorrow. First thing’s first-” He stood up, reaching a hand out to a still-shaking Virgil, “Hand over your phone.”

-------------------------

His hair was short now. Shorter than he could ever remember it being. He missed his bangs, he missed the tiny boosts of confidence it gave him when the rest of his appearance disgusted him. Now there was nothing for his hands to run through. There was no style to it, just an electric razor in the hands of his silent foster mother. He should have fought it, he really should have, but he was shaking far too much to try to move.

He didn’t like hands so near his throat. 

------------------------

Surely, his social worker didn’t approve of this. The only explanation Virgil could possibly rationalize was they’d lied about the purpose of the therapy, or the method, or something. But any type of change in a foster kid's life had to go through about a million different levels to get approved, so how the hell were they getting away with this?

It wasn’t too bad. A lot of it was using religious guilt, something Virgil did not have much of, saying he was immoral and inhumane. The rest of it was just his new therapist trying to dig into his supposed ‘trauma’ that made him ‘this way’, as if there was something that caused it. They talked a lot about his old foster homes, and his therapist seemed positive something there had to be the root to everything. It made his blood boil.

It didn’t help that they still hadn’t given his phone back, and they confined him to his room when he wasn’t doing school work at the kitchen table. He could hear the way his soulmate was losing morale, the longer he didn’t respond. The songs were darker, and were few and far between. They still refused to play songs on what he’d called ‘his days’.

--------------------

His ‘therapy’ had ended hours ago, and yet he couldn’t stop twitching. Every time he closed his eyes in a vain attempt to sleep, it was like the electrodes were attached to him again. The images they’d shown him flashed before his eyes, of men kissing, holding hands, and were quickly followed by the sharp sting of electric shocks. He couldn’t close his eyes without flinching violently, no music to calm his nerves.

Virgil didn’t sleep that night.

----------------------

He held to the music like an anchor, soaking in every rare song his soulmate played like a sponge. It was his only relief from the hunger pangs in his stomach, reminding him that he hadn’t been allowed to eat at all in the day leading up to another therapy session. Apparently they wanted to put him on some kind of medication, try to increase the intensity of his sessions. It was getting to the point where Virgil was tempted to pretend it was working just to make them stop. 

He missed his soulmate. 

----------------------

No. He’d said no to the drugs. They wanted to put him on anti-psychotics, claiming he was severely mentally ill, and he’d downright refused. There was no way in hell he was going on anti-psychotics. Finally, after days of their demanding being met with stubbornness, they’d given in. 

That had been a month ago. Maybe. Time had gotten kind of funny, like in that limbo between Christmas and New Years, or in the depths of summer break. It had been a while, for sure. They still fed him so rarely a growling stomach was more common than a full one, claiming it was part of his new therapy. He couldn’t help wonder why he was gaining weight, though. He’d been underweight for a majority of his life, thanks to a constantly overworking metabolism and genetics, along with the nasty food they served at group homes that he gladly avoided, but he was starting to fill out slightly. His ribs were barely showing. 

That would be a symptom of being on antipsychotics, he knew from previous research. But he wasn’t on them, so why…?

He took another sip of his apple juice his foster mom had brought him, trying to focus on his homework. Had apple juice always tasted that bitter?

-----------------------

They’d gone too far this time, Virgil knew that much. Curse his stubbornness, his inability to just lie and go along with it. He could have just claimed the conversion therapy was working, ‘oh golly, I’m healed!’, and go on with his life, finally talk to his fucking social worker, but no. He wasn’t capable of that. 

They’d shown him more pictures, shocking him more frequently, refusing to stop the session even as tears streamed down his face. It just hurt so bad. Then he remembered a shout (maybe his own?), blinding pain, and the next thing he knew, he was in his foster dad’s car. He said he’d had a seizure, but he was okay now, so they were heading home. A cup of water was forced down his throat and he was laid down in bed, commanded to rest. He was so confused, but also so tired, so he let his eyes drift shut. 

Just before he lost consciousness for the second time that day, he heard a soft melody drift through his mind as his soulmate played another song. It had been so long since the last time he’d heard them play music… despite his exhaustion, he fell asleep with a smile on his face. 

--------------------

The days had been a bit of a blur since his seizure. It was probably because his brain had done the human equivalent to ‘Have you tried turning it off and back on again?’, but even that was hazy in his mind. All he wanted to do was sleep, to rest, to not have to do the school work that they were still shoving down his throat. From where he was laying motionless in his bed, he watched the slowly setting sun dip below the horizon. 

There was a knock at the door downstairs. Virgil flinched from the noise, triggering a series of twitches down his spine and into his limbs. People were talking downstairs. He could distinctly hear the voice of his foster parents, but the others were unfamiliar. They were getting louder, near shouting, and there were pounding footsteps echoing up the stairs and down his hallway. 

He couldn’t even find the energy to be scared as his door was thrown open and a man’s voice shouted, “He’s in here!”. A flurry of people stormed into the room, the ones in the lead dressed in blue. 

Clambering, people shifting to make space, a woman holding his hand. She was asking him questions as they loaded him into a stretcher and he tried his best to answer, but he was just so tired. His name was said multiple times, as well as the names of his foster parents, but it was hazy, so hazy… 

“We were just trying to help, I didn’t want this to happen, I don’t-”

“Quiet, woman!”

She raised her voice but it was growing farther away. Virgil realized with a start that he was looking at the sky, bumping along on the gravel path, the bright lights of an ambulance flashing across his vision. 

The husband shouted again, trying to silence his wife. That was the last thing Virgil heard as the doors slammed shut, and he finally allowed his eyes to close. 

Part 3 HERE

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