#mother i know you dont give a fuck about me
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Jason Todd head canons that have accumulated over time
many thoughts about the boy constantly rattle around my brain and i would like to share them ദ്ദി(ᵔᗜᵔ) nothing hanky panky ish for i do not like to think about that
general bullshit ᝰ.ᐟ
he doesnt trust modern technology. he has a Motorola razr. no he will not upgrade, stop asking
has VERY messy hand writing. straight chicken scratch. barley legible
smoked during his late teens (post resurrection period, he was going through it). tried quitting in his early twenties, he bought a menthol flavour geek bar but threw it out cause Roy made fun of him
it wasnt even one of the cool ones with a screen. smh
he has a weird nostalgic affection for the thrift
it reminds him of being a kid, in the rare moments that his mother was sober enough to take him somewhere. and it was nice, his mom was conscious, all was well
and he could get whatever he wanted! he wanted a toy? sure bud, its only a dollar. why the hell not?
he recently walked into a Goodwill and damn near burst an artery when he looked at the tag on a pair of pants. it was NOT like this back in his day
his hair is like wavy, like not curly but wavy. however, he has no idea how to really care for it. shits dry is what im saying
i think hes very competitive about stupid shit
not like he gets pissy about mario kart, he will race you to see who can fold their socks the fastest
largest of the batfam. vertically and horizontally. hes a beefy dude. a brick shithouse
i think hes also the kind of dude that needs to know someone very well before he could consider dating them. id even go as far to say hes somewhere on the aro spectrum
i think he has a very high spice tolerance. like youll pry his siracha out of his cold re-dead hands. he LOVES African curry (yes this one is based off me) thats like his perfect kind of spice
back to his hatred of technology, he collects cds to listen to instead of streaming
he has one of those hip disk players with the headphones. Red Hood has been seen with a walkman
also hates tv, but will watch the news willingly. he will sit down and watch Wolf Blitzer of his own accord
romantic (୨୧• ꒳ •)=:♡
remember when i said he has the handwriting of an 18 month old toddler? yea well thats a little unfortunate cause he LOVES leaving notes for his lover. when he has to slip out the window for a job in the middle of the night, he writes a little note - “had to take care of something, be back soon. with bagels. love, Jay :)” but its written so janky his lover is spending the whole time hes gone trying to decipher it
dont tell him that though, he might cry
hes not a talker particularly. words tend to come out wrong in his experience. instead, he likes gifts acts of service to show you he cares
shopping with him and youre eying a particular top for a while? guess what’s mysteriously appeared in your laundry basket
lowq doesn’t have motion though..soo it might have been Bruce card. but honestly? money is money who gaf
what he occasionally lacks in funds he makes up for in willingness to let you do whatever you want to him
he will waddle after you in sephora, freaking out the occasional employee cause holy FUCK who invited the punisher, letting you swatch whatever you want on his hand
if you’re concerned about the milk in the fridge being yuck, give it to him to taste. he’ll let you know
there is no mountain to high, no dubious forgotten leftover too unhappy looking
cannot cook for SHIT. but he loves to eat
he will mention wanting food and stare at you longingly until you go to the kitchen
hes not gonna be playing fortnite while you’re cooking though, he can chop stuff. you may not want him within 50 feet of a place where food is prepared but he will offer
bless his heart
runs hot like a furnace. probably because hes a large meaty boy
he will grumble like a pensioner when you tuck yourself into his chest at night when its cold, but we both know damn well hes gonna be giggling and kicking his steel toed boots when he tells Roy about it later
he had pretty mixed, strewing negative opinions, about his little white tuft of hair at the front. hes tried cutting it, it grew back the same. he bought box dye, it doesnt take. so hes stuck with it. and he cant say hes happy about it
until you came along, all full of love and life, telling him you loved it. you though it framed his face perfectly and suited him great. you and your fancy affection fuck you
(he was cheesing for hours)
okay lets get sad now
hes got BADD anxiety about hurting you without meaning to. its a reasonable concern, hes a big dude. and these hands dont do a lot of cradling as a rule, more beating heads in
he needs to be reassured, but would rather roll around in broken glass then swim in lemonade than let that be known. hes more of a stare at you until you sooth him
he likes to be kissed and cuddled and cared for. so what? hes only incredibly ashamed. it doesnt matter how many times you re iterate that he has no reason to be, hes a stubborn bitch
thats all ive got! i hope you enjoyed reading my real time jason todd related word association. most of these were typed in a fury on the mobile web app on the subway so..if the formatting is yucky thats up to god (-.-;)y-~~~
#jason todd x reader#jason todd fic#jason todd fanfiction#jason todd x you#jason todd#bat family#batfam#the batfamily#batfamily x reader#batfamily x you#batman#jason todd headcanon#batman headcanon#bat family headcanon#custardtartsfan
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i am scared my mother will be mad if she knows im trying to physically transition but its my last hope
#like . its either this or i kill myself#cant last much longer like this#ive been trying to kill myself because of it for years#why dont i just stop being a coward and finally do it...#shes against minors transitioning which is stupid#mother i know you dont give a fuck about me#i wanna overdose but ill puke it all up immediately because its paracetamol but i wanna feel good again like the other time...#tw suicide#tw vent
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i just finished dark heir
#me foaming at the mouth during the last chapters: HE IS! FUCKING! SAVING YOU!#i am huddled around will kempen hissing like a mama cat none of these fuckers are allowed to look at him#dark rise#okay but like. cyrian at literally every moment in the book you see will anticipating things and making connections#that you never make. doing things like a leader & being fucking smart and strategic. and your dumb ass really thought.#hm. must mean i shouldnt listen to him about the magic staff that can literally stop the end of the world. must be evil.#me: [screams into the abyss]#i know i cant expect characters to react like readers and they DID all react like i knew they would but god it was so infuriating!!!!!#and heart breaking! god!!!! god!!!!! will reliving his mother's initial betrayal over and over and OVER again#and thinking about all the little moments we get where the novel tells us: if these 'evil' characters had just been accepted#instead of tossed aside maybe they wouldnt have fallen. if they had been protected instead of killed maybe they would have#become protectors instead of killers. maybe if will's mom hadn't tried to butcher him for the sin of his own birth#he wouldn't have been so scared to tell people he lied to them.#anyway im not normal about will kempen and if book 3 doesnt give me his friends fucking accepting him i'll kill someone#me looking directly at visander: i dont care how charming you are i'll murder your ass about it#i read this book in like 5 hrs im being very normal about it
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formerly an essay in tags but - billie lurk. half-nameless, misremembered woman. her powers derived from the things taken from her, without any catharsis or empowerment. the rat charm, tied with deidre's hair, her lover's voice in the mouth of rats. her arm and eye, taken, given back only to cause her chronic pain, then lost again. foresight seems a cruel gift for a woman who botched the timing of her takeover of the whalers, and bet wrong when it came to delilah.
she never bore the outsider's blessing; his first visit to her was more like an assault. every other dishonored POV character gets the choice to be selfish, and for that selfishness to mean something, but billie's actions have no effect on the world at large, either, in a game without a chaos system.
some say that corvo is the ghost, but he can reach out and change things. billie's buried herself twice and come back and nothing she does seems to matter - she is less a protagonist, more a convenient full stop in the narrative.
try this: open doto, start a new game. sit in her cabin. notice how little of billie there is. even the woman she loved more than anyone has the face of another named character.
she sits amongst the assets of other games: empty canvases and a dressmaker's mannequin that wears nothing.
#billie lurk#even the wiki is wrong about her its infuriating#pulled this out of tags because fuck it#in daud's DLCs even the stories that weren't about him were about him#but billie's stories are the scrapheap. they're the stuff they couldn't squeeze in elsewhere. cheap jokes and macguffins#i'm not even roasting the devs for this i think releasing dishonored in 2016 then DotO in 2017 was a feat (derogatory)#games should be made slowly and with love#and i know that everyones talked about this endlessly#but billie is my fav and it sucks that she got a game that only causes me to grieve for her as a character#not FOR her as a person#only the potential story that never was. that she never got.#you can have your strong black woman and not turn her into a trope. give her depth and range and heartache and agency. yes there was traged#but how did it SHAPE her?#dont get me started on her being designated caretaker of a former god and dying assassin. what the fuck#some of this i'd be more okay with if she was younger - i mean. the blank canvases? really?#this game could have been about wyman and there's not that much that would have changed in terms of the core story#“found out the asshole that killed your mother is still around. gonna go deal with that.”#emily who is stoned: “cool.bring me snacks on the way back”#wyman: “oh he's saying actually it was gods fault and that its possible to kill him. well i have literally nothing in my schedule”#billie's not surprised by anything anymore but maybe wyman would freak out over most of it. could have been a lot of fun#also you cant fuck up wymans characterisation. they barely exist.#local empress sends her enby girlboyfriend to kill god#pres writes increasingly deranged essays in the tags#death of the outsider spoilers#i have to complain about doto once every year or so or i die#but i'm not really gonna let arkane hide behind dev excuses when it comes to racism like. its not enough
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my existence makes me feel awful for my family
#they really wanted someone so much better. im 21 ive done nothing with my life and i cant tell anyone im disabled#mum hid it from everyone but her entirely and now i cant say a thing or ill get her in drama and ill have to keep lying anyway#i had to lie about all the abuse and they saw through it but i still have to lie anyway for all of us i cant say i dont have a job#bc i have no id no nothing to my name no bank account no literally anything and that i have to take care of mum bc they would all just get#mean and give me a million questions and yell at me and dad already stopped talking to me for weeks bc he wouldn't listen when i was trying#to say the id stuff is convoluted ''why cant i just get it with you'' LEGALLY I DONT EVEN HAVE A DAD BC YOU REFUSED TO BE A PART OF IT AT#AT FUCKING ALL AND MUM HAD TO DO EVERYTHING ALONE AND DIDNT WANNA HIT YOU WITH SINGLE MOTHER TAX#I DOCUMENT WISE JUST STOPPED EXISTING I HAVE NO SCHOOL CARDS EVEN LIKE NOTHING AT ALL SHE LOST MY BIRTH CERT BOTH OF OURS AND I JUST?????#im sick of getting into fights about everything. my granddad is dying and i barely see him because dad doesnt like me anymore and its scary#trying to talk to him at all bc he'll yell if i stutter he'll yell if i tell him ive gone out snywhere at all he thinks everyone in the#world is just drooling to assault me but he's violent and scary so i cant tell him that anything has ever happened to me bc the one time i#even just vaguely told him someone wasnt nice to me he threatened to tie them to the back of his car and he's attacked my stepdad with a#screwdriver and thankfully he wasnt hurt badly hut like. im so scared of my dad. and it breaks my heart bc he used to be so gentle to me.#hes always had a bad temper i have haunting memories of him chasing me and mum in his car but he never once hit me. but the more i remember#the more i realise that he fucked me up honestly just as bad as mum did. im constantly scared of getting yelled at i cant be loving with#anyone not sincerely bc im terrified theyll leave me theyll hurt me and im always proven right and i miss my best friend and i miss my dad#i wish i could tell him about anything in my life i wish i could tell anyone anything all the secrets all the expectations n the way i know#everyone views me is killing me inside my family thinks im fat lazy selfish worthless dull stupid they think i dont even like seeing them#but they actively push me out every single occasion i see them i barely even have any photos with anyone i never get happy birthday messages#or calls or anything they all just forget i exist until they have to remember and i cant trll them any of my life bc ill get yelled at by#dad or called a liar or ill have one of my deepest secrets spilled to the entire family while im sleeping again.#whatever sorry
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#tw vent#ew yucky vent lmaoo#Love waking up in the morning to my dad#drunk#being accused of things making cry 5 times and hyperventilating when he hells at me for#crying#and saying should be grateful I have a dad#also love how he admitted to me he was shit#i defended him#he told me to stop and he could tell i was lying and that i hate him ( i dont) then later hes said the same thing#(didnt defend him that time) and he got super mad at me for not defending him and called me a bad daughter#he told me he could change if he wanted to but he doesn’t think there's anything to change#he's literally such a narcissistic it's insane#that day was wild#cried 6 times had a panic attack and relapsed after month crazy ass day#what do you mean you could've took me away to Albania without my mother and raised me like a Hitler but you didn’t because you're a good da#he was fine the next day though so idek i feel like i can't complain i feel like such a baby#he's like all you need to raise kids with is love i don't do anything for you guys (me and my brother) i don't know anything about you guys#but i loved you and look how you turned out! (my mother's doing love her shes the best) but also like saying u love me and then yelling at#me and mot caring about my life or putting in effort for me has given me a fucked up idea of what love is#and i also have no idea how to differentiate a good person and a bad person#so thats great lmaoo#i have hope though my mom is amazing a he's not that bad tbh he's gonna give me a really messed up view of trust ik cause i already have it#but it's okay lol I'll fix it all and it'll all be fine I'm still young and optimistic#forgot this also not to shit talk but why are you threatening your daughter if she breaks up you and your girlfriend?? when shes hasn't#done anything to indicate that she wants that in any way? why is it my job to save the relationship you messed up 💀#anyway bye lol peace :3
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im like if a girl had the worst fucking life ruining relationship with her mother lol
#truth be told i can be a major fucking bitch to her. am being rn. like the worst person ever fr. 100% worthy of abortion.#but she knows my boundaries. even if they are a little excessive. and well she does repeatedly cross them so. bitch it is.#its just that the moment i sense even the tiniest hint of smn trying to control me. especially if that's my mother. i go for the throat#and its an automatic reaction i cant reign it in. and frankly dont wanna.#i *could* give her the address where ill be staying when i leave next week. but im not gonna. just cause. purely out of spite at this point#'do you think its fair towards me and other people who care about you to not even let them know where to look for you#if they suddenly lose contact with you?' stop caring then? lol like thats a sure way to actually make me go no contact with you#for those few days. like jesus christ leave me the fuck alone. i fucking hope someone murders me on that flixbus ride 🖕
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Im going to fucking throw up
#i hate posting about how im insecure abt my drawings because that just makes people rb them out of pity thats annoying as shit dont do that#but then i try for hours to draw something and its honestly not important to me but by the end im pretty pround#so i post it knowing no ones gonna give a shit#and yeah pretty much thats what happens#and i feel like shit bc no one owes me attention ffs#and i know it isnt anything special and i should have drawn something actually interesting instead of another portrait#and i complain to my mother and shes like#'well this is something a child would have drawn it isnt good'#and im like oooh i should kms got it#like obviously im the one who craves validation without putting any effort into making it actually cool#so this is like no one's fault and im self aware of it and it drives me INSANE#and i need to vent this but it will make someone go pity rb all of my stuff and it's gonna feel like shit bc i hate begging for notes#like you know if someone wasnt going to reblog why beg them to. thats not them actually liking the art thats bullshit guilt tripping#i dont even need exposure i dont sell any drawings exposure is useless to me i dont even know what i want#i just want to make something that people like what the fuck
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sometimes i thank fuck a few years ago that did not happen and my mother did not follow her thoughts
#okay but what the fuck#i don’t think telling your child THAT is appropriate#it’s pretty scary icl#it’s better now thank fuck but what the fuck#i read the thing i wrote down a while ago and what the fuck mother#please dont tell my brother the truth i beg#and why the fuck was i being her vent trash can#fucking hell#and she asks why i see the people when it’s her divorce#BITCH IM YOUR CHILD YOUR DIVORCE DIRECTLY AFFECTS ME#and oh god i am not a fucking mailbox just him yourself for fucks sake#and when you don’t even know who to believe because they all think they’re right and correct#please fucking communicate#thank fuck they split up finally they should’ve done that so much earlier#and please fucking care about my brother because god this little guy has so much he is suffering inside#like when the stats are 4/4 i don’t think that’s a good sign#cory’s rants#please deal with it better instead of avoiding the help we’re trying to give you mother#please i beg#she is getting better tho which is nice#but please no next time solve your problems before having kids
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living in this house driving me insanne i want to be aloneee
#anything better than living with my mother#but fucking hell#i feel like my dad is constantly going in on me#everything i do for this house is not enough#or im focusing on the Wrong Thing#while 1 sister plays minecraft 24/7 and the other punches walls and threatens people who ask her to do shit#this feels a bit unfair#why are my actions always under scrutiny#while you literally admit i do already have a lot on my plate#“i just want you to do chores :(”#I FUCKING DO!!!!! 0 thanks for anything and if i dont document every fucking step it Doesnt Count#or goddddd when its something he doesnt give a shit about#i was the person who delt with unblocking every drain#i delt with all the fucking mold#i injured myself doing this shit#but all i hear is fucking complaining that its not the Right thing or i missed a spot#grruuhh sorry i just. need to vent. and dont know where to fucking dump any of this#vent
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#i have multiple discord servers for vent shit but unfortanely my sister is on all of them and i dont wanna bother her so#yeah everyone ignore this i just need to fucking explode#my mother is pissing me off so fucking much rn#she never shuts the fuck up#only cares about her own damn fucking problems#shes going on about how she cant find a book and she needs my help and im like mom#i just spilled water on my laptop can you stfu#and you know what she fucking says?#well maybe if you didnt always hide in your room with your computer#first of all im a fucking adult and istg once i have enough money im blowing this fucking stand in a heartbeat#and second of al#I WAS OUTSIDE#BECAUSE FOR ONCE IN MY FUCKING LIFE I WAS TRYING TO GET SOME FRESH AIR#IM SICK OF BEING INSIDE#BUT WHEN I GO OUTSIDE SHE CAN COME TO ME WHICH I HATE MORE#so i try to go outside for once and what does it fucking get me#well the fucking water on my computer and audio issues#which thank God i fixed but ugh am i still pissed the fuck off#and my fucking “best friend” can barely give me the fucking time of day#leaves me on delivered for days at a time#and then straight up ignores my questions and wont fucking talk to me#but oh they'll call me randomly if they need my help#like is that all i fucking am to you?#UGH#trying to breathe#im going to put on headphones and writing gay fanfiction that always cheers me up
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fuck
#like idk i never realized just how bad she hurt me. i didnt even rly realize she hurt me at all#bc there are so so so many ways she sldve reacted so much worse. but like i never thought someone cld just straight up ignore it.#like i get the way i told her was dumb and confusing. ok. i can understand that. whatever#but idk. she said she wished my sister had told her years earlier so that she cldve helped her back then#but then suddenly it's different when it's me. suddenly it's 'but youve always been my little girl' and 'oh i dont know that sounds dangerou#s' and 'are you sure?' and 'how long have you felt like this'#well it's been almost 5 fucking years now and it hasnt changed. i havent changed. fuck#i trusted her. i trusted her to be there for me and to support me and to accept me and she threw it back in my face and never even blinked#i can never ever trust her again and she doesnt care. she doesnt even know bc shes so wrapped up in all the fucking lies she tells herself#fuck. she did everything wrong. fuck. i can never fully trust anyone with this part of me again bc of her#and it's awful bc it's such an important part of me. it brings me so much joy and i think on it often and i love myself for it#but it's just simmering in my chest and every time i think of letting it hit air again i freeze bc i thought it was safe once and it WASNT.#i wanted to get my name changed before high school. i wanted to start the medical process. i wanted all the thing i thought shed do for me.#my wants and my understanding of my identity has changed now but it still hurts.#it hurts so bad to see other ppl my age get all of that and to have the support of their family and to not be afraid to put a name to it all#im happy for them. but it's so awful hearing her point those ppl out w no self awareness like oh thats so good for them isnt that sweet#I AM RIGHT HERE! YOU COULD BE DOING ALL OF THAT! I NEEDED YOU TO BE THAT FOR ME!#and every time she does acknowledge it she gets it completely wrong or it's just to bemoan how little she understands#'oh everyones changing their name now its so confusing' 'im really trying i dont know what else you want from me' NO YOURE NOT! YOURE NOT!#YOUVE NEVER BEEN WILLING TO TRY. NOT FOR ME.#you never fucking loved me you loved the idea of what you thought i would be and you cant fucking let it go even when the truth is staring#you dead in the face. fuck. you complain about how i 'hate you' or 'think youre stupid' well maybw treat me with an ounce of respect and act#like you understand the things youve EXPLICITLY BEEN TOLD. even a little.#but honestly it's too late. if she were to suddenly have a change of heart now i wouldnt give a damn.#the damage is done you dont get to have this part of me and act like youre such a good and supportive mother.#i cant even say i hate her. i love her but shes hurt me more than anyone else ever has and i can never trust her to actually love me or even#fucking see me or support anything about me that actually matters to me#i dont know. i dont know. thinking about it again.#ive thought abt telling my dad. not bc it wld do any good but bc ik he values honesty and maybe hed throw me a 'damn that sucks'#my sister said this is something i have to fight on but she doesnt get it. i have no ground to stand on as far as shes concerned
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The shy bachelor Godwin thought that Mary Robinson was not only intelligent and "Rational," but also incomparably beautiful. His daughter Mary Shelley recorded that "Among his acquaintances were several women, to whose society he was exceedingly partial, and who were all distinguished for personal attractions and talents. Among them may be mentioned the celebrated Mary Robinson, whom to the end of his life he considered as the most beautiful woman he had ever seen, but though he admired her so greatly, their acquaintance scarcely attained intimate friendship."
Perdita: The Literary, Theatrical, and Scandalous Life of Mary Robinson (2004) by Paula Byrne, page 322, contained in the beginning of Chapter 22: Radical
#i can't stop thinking about this#william godwin#mary robinson#mary shelley#mary wollstonecraft#and in at least one letter wollstonecraft admitted to godwin that she had wanted to leave a dinner party earlier out of jealousy#but she didn't bc she could tell he was enjoying perdita's company so much#for what it's worth nobody should take this out of context bc these two marys were huge supporters of each other and friends#but if my dad were to say this about any woman other than my mother who died due to complications after giving birth to me#bruh. i know this is probably a rather contemporary cultural judgment to make but still#'oh YEAH dad? why dont you go tell that to the daughter you had with mary robinson—OH WAIT#you just have ME. MY fucking bad'#ps i also love how (i have yet to read her novels but this is routinely mentioned in the biography) all of her heroines#have long dark auburn hair and blue-grey eyes. bc that's what she looked like#and tbh i love it for the incredibly selfish reason that that's what i look like. im vain. goodnight!#(we really do stigmatize that sorta thing now. making ur main character resemble urself. i think thats stupid. its a fine practice)#(no i think we only do that when the author is a woman bc then her character is omg basically her she didnt even try) (eyeroll)
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act 3, or as I like to call it: Orin PLEASE stop negging me
#s2g everywhere I turn….#minthara call your crazy ex off my tail I’m mclosing it#also fuck this kid who won’t leave me alone#do you think my companipns would hate me if I judt….killed her#I’m really tired of her already and I told her to go away but then she showed up at camp#i have not like a single child in this game but I also just. dislike children Ahkaajsksk#i DID gain approval from minthara when i basically said ‘fuck them kids’ tho so#at least my queen would stand by me#like I’m a very evil weezard who doesn’t want some snot nosed brat around and doesn’t give a shit about a ‘missing mom’#anyway…end rant#bg3 spoilers#honestly sorry for being such a hater bc like#i know on demeter’s run she’s going to love yenna - she likes kids and is a mother#and would be very protective of her#but iraestra??? already told the brat to get lost and she doesn’t like Repeating Herself#lmfao if orin takes her she’ll be like ok go ahead and kill the kid i dont care actually
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🦋
#so i got a message from my sister telling me something rather tragic had happened in our family#on my mom's side. one of my aunties passed away&my little sister let me know.#she also let me know that my mother is taking it really hard&shed probably really like to hear from me.#&its weird bc any sadness i felt about my aunty dying almost completely evaporated upon it becoming a way to guilt me#into talking to my mother-- like i was not almost dead for a long LONG time&she was actively disowning me bc i wasnt sick the right way#after a lifetime of refusing to believe i was sick AT ALL which directly lead to developing cancer she screamed at me in public#that i was lying about before pretending to drive off a cliff&then refusing to pick up her phone until she called me an hour later#after i had been calling not just her but anyone in our family who could possibly check on her to tell me that i never loved her#&i wouldnt have cared if she died&it would have been my fault.#so like. i dont really give a fuck if shes taking a death in the family poorly? like i dont actually fucking care that this-- like literally#everything else-- needs to center my mother's bad feelings. i just fucking dont lmao.#&im really fucking pissed off that i now have to feel like shit bc i dont feel like i properly feel bad#about my family member dying bc IT BECAME ALL ABOUT MY MOTHER IMMEDIATELY.#i do not fucking UNDERSTAND.#i cannot even put into words how this all makes me feel lmao. why. literally fucking why.#the cherry on top? my aunty died of gastric issues. you know. the family curse that i def didnt get so i got to work thru it all#while being called a liar. you know the type of illness that almost killed ME. that might STILL kill me.#but yeah my mom is sad so i should call&make sure to hold her hand like i always fucking did lets just forget an entire lifetime#&esp the last five years thatll be totally cool.#a tragedy happened in the family so fuck all MY tragedies actually i guess.
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I love my friends
#i think im just going to talk in the tags for a moment. got a lot on my mind#for starters. the fnaf movie comes out soon. really looking forward to that. think its gonna be awesome and amazing and I'm super excited!!!#secondly. waiting on funds so i can buy that mask i saw the other day and some Halloween candy from Walmart#i . want to do little goodie bags for the kids in my building. but im too scared to go up to their parents and ask candy preference and#allergy concerns. so. idk. maybe I'll just save it. I think it's a cute concept but it makes me feel like my mother.#she loved to do little gift things for people. but it was always people that didn't like her. i don't want to be that way#i know my value. i know my time and energy means something. i don't want to waste it on people who don't give a shit. ya know?#not saying the kids are those kinds of people. not what i mean. but just as an overall thing. i don't like being like her.#...yeah. i dunno. you get raised by one person your whole life. you pick up some of their characteristics#i can't sob without sounding like her. safe to say i am a little emotionally constipated. so i seek other means to relieve that feeling.#like yesterday when i threw up. i played it off like that was a blunder on my body. but i know what i did.#hey. at least it's not the other method. right?. .. yeah. okay. i know. not great either#but it hurts. and I'm so fucking sick and tired of crying over her. genuinely. it's exhausting crying all the time#but that's the only way I can get those emotions out#I've tried to do the counseling thing. but other things made that impossible. then i moved.#and i tried the grief thing but instead i just got a talking buddy? he helps me get out of the house yeah.#but we dont talk about her#... i dunno. I'm just here.#guess i waited long enough. now you get a mini secret. every time i make an i love my friends post. I'm reminding myself why I'm still going#I'm usually sitting around somewhere in my apartment (desk couch bed) crying. alone. thinking about you guys.#so uh. thank you.#i love you guys so much. and i don't know where I'd be without you#probably dead.#💖#vent
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