#monogamous polyamory

[polyamorouscultureis]

Does it count as a poly relationship when your partner has a nesting partner AND you as "secondary"? (Sorry if it's wrong but I don't know poly lingo)

I mean wouldn't be your partner in a poly relationship? Or would you also count as a poly person

Being a poly person and being in a poly relationship are different things. You are in a polyamorous relationship, but if you're not interested in dating outside of your partner yourself, you might not be polyamorous - that's very common and okay!

[zhelin-thames]

Constantine is a father?? #2

@magical-awesome-kid, @bianca-hooks123 thank you for the idea

Danny: "Okay, so let me get this straight—AGAIN. I’m one-third Maddie, one-third Jack, and one-third you, Constantine?” Constantine: “Oi, it’s not that weird, is it? Magic’s a bloody wild thing.” Danny: “No, what’s weird is you. My mom’s a ghost-hunting genius, my dad’s a walking disaster, and somehow you—magic’s equivalent of a cursed feral cat—got thrown into the DNA blender and hit purée?” Constantine: “You’re welcome, by the way. The charm didn’t skip a generation, clearly.” Danny: “Charm doesn’t help when ghosts are trying to eat me weekly, Dad Two.”

(Later, facing Vlad Plasmius...)

Danny: “You’re really hung up on this, huh? I mean, you’re not even dad two, and you’re acting like you just lost a custody battle.” Vlad: “Excuse me?! Maddie and Jack are monogamous! This is lies—no, magical interference! Or—or some kind of—” Danny: “Oh, this is rich. My mom’s polyamorous, dude. And she STILL wouldn’t sleep with you!” Vlad: sputtering incoherently, attempting to find a rebuttal while visibly spiraling

(Flashback: Vlad digging through his files... The one labeled "John Constantine.")

Vlad: mutters “Constantine, Constantine… What threat level? Ah, here it is. Mostly complaints about his soul being divided into thirds… no, quarters? Is he playing magical Monopoly with his afterlife? Ridiculous!” Pauses and looks at another note: “Wait, Maddie slept with this man?!” Further reading shows a footnote: ‘Note: Constantine’s file also includes a restraining order issued by Hell.’ Vlad: face-palms in frustration. “How... How do I even process this information?!”

Danny: “You know, Vlad, I think my existence is proof that my parents are full of surprises. You’ve got an obsession with Maddie, and she didn’t even blink before dating younger magical trash. That’s gotta sting.” Constantine (offhand): “’Younger’? Now that’s flattering.” Danny: grinning “Don’t push your luck, Dad Two.”

[crimeronan]

shoutout to the poly people who never found those "every poly triad is a fat girl and two gross neckbeards" memes funny or cute & who have had to see that shit All Over reddit and ifunny and tumblr and twitter for the past Fucking Decade. may all of our creative endeavors and joy get 10,000 times more traction than an article written by a monogamous person who's defending poly people by saying "don't worry, fellow monogamous kids! i too think the poly community is irredeemably fucking irritating!! :)"

[genderqueerdykes]

happy pride to polyamorous people, non-monogamists, relationship anarchists, swingers, people who follow to multiple models of love, people in kink families/houses, and anyone else who feels their love and the way they conduct their life does not suit the amatonormative "one partner for life" model. i hope you have an amazing time loving and being loved and enjoying life

[snowmenatwork]

GUYS I just saw the cutest poly quote from the randomest minecraft video, they said:

"two hands, each one can have a ring"

AHHHHH THAT'S SO CUTE OMG

[evermorepeyton]

“we tried so hard with cassandra” NO YOU DIDN’T ?????

[mauvesockss]

pulls you close and looks into your eyes... doctor odyssey fandom please... promise me that if the ody3 are in a V relationship or an open polycule instead of a closed triad you will be normal about it... 🙏

[nimviridis]

I need to say I think some people don't understand this yet, but this couple:

Is as queer as this one:

Because gender is not on our goddamn chromosomes or any of that shit, Jim is non binary, a couple composed by a cis guy and a non binary is queer and a couple composed by a cis woman and a non binary is also queer and even if they were all cisgender, a couple composed by bisexuals/pansexuals is also queer even if it is F/M!!

None of these people are straight!

[apostate-in-an-alcove]

Mono people completely unprompted: "I've never seen an attractive polyamorous person, I hate them, they're so gross, they're just cheaters, why do they all look like that, poly relationships never last, they're ugly and gross, they just want an excuse to cheat, they're emotionally immature, have I mentioned how ugly I think they are?"

[polyamorouscultureis]

Can you be romantically polyamorous but sexually monogamous? I’ve only heard of the other way around. Me and my gf of 1 year have only been dating each other, and we’re not actively looking for anyone else. But we agreed that if the right person comes along, we’ll consider going on dates with them, cuddling, and kissing, but not sex. She’s ace and I’m allo, and we have sex occasionally but we’re much more interested in nonsexual affection. She only wants to have sex with me.

We’re thinking about polyamory because for both of us, the line between platonic and romantic attraction is really blurry. We can both form really strong emotional connections with our friends that don’t look like a typical friendship, I’ve had crushes on other people (which I didn’t act on) while dating her. Do you think romantic/queerplatonic polyamory, but sexual monogamy is something that can work for people?

Sure! Everything is subjective and should be modified to fit your relationship. There are no rules to this. Whatever makes you and your partner(s) feel comfortable, fulfilled, and loved, that is what you should do. <3

[anodyneocean]

So, I love the concept of the Relationship Anarchy Smorgasbord Tool, but my brain has a hard time navigating the layout of the official version, and it contained a lot of things that weren’t relevant to my close intimate relationships.  I ended up creating this simplified version to specifically suit my own needs. Some people in my FB groups have greatly appreciated the easy-to-read boxes, so I figured I’d offer it here too!  (I included a filled out version for anyone wondering how to use it.)  Also, remember, this is good for ALL types of relationships, you don’t to be a relationship anarchist to benefit from this kind of transparency! 

[polyhammer]

Monogamous people will say shit like

"Haha I could never be poly I'm too possessive!"

Ew. Gross. Just... dont be like that then.

[crimeronan]

i've seen a couple people in the notes of this very good post about fictional polyamory by @thebibliosphere say things along the lines of "oh, i've been doing it wrong :(" or "how do i know if i did this right??" or "i should probably give up and start over, i wrote this badly :(" and. no!!!!

(i AM seeing far MORE people say "oh, this clarified and helped me so much, i think i know how to fix issues i've been having with my own story" which. YES!!!!)

listen. if you're a monogamous person who's writing a polyamorous relationship, and you've been focusing mainly on The Triad and All Three Together All The Time as the endgame, that's literally fine. that's a perfectly acceptable and strong starting point for your plotting, imo. you do not need to give up on a story that you've started like this.

but the things discussed in the post Can and Should improve your execution!

you can keep the same plot beats and overall relationship arc 100%. polyamorous relationships are infinite in their formations, every one is unique. "basically a monogamous romance but with three people" Does exist, as a relationship type. you're not hashtag Misrepresenting (TM) poly people with it

BUT i do think it will help to read up on some poly people talking about how their relationships Differ from monogamous ones.

so i have outlined some basic important concepts about polyamory.

MORE IMPORTANTLY though, i've broken down some questions that you can answer throughout the writing process to strengthen your individual dyad relationships, your individual characterization, & your characters' individual feelings/experiences. this is a writing resource have fun

future kitkat butting in to say i spent over two hours writing this and it definitely needs a readmore. it is also NOT comprehensive. but everything should be pretty simple to follow! feel free to reblog if you find it helpful yourself or just want to reward me for how gotdan long this took KSLDKFJKDL.

i've grabbed quick links for a couple of the important concepts, some have SEO pitches in them but the info largely seems to be good. (if i missed anything Egregiously Gross on these sites i should be able to update the links with better ones later, since they're under the readmore.)

sidenote: this is NOT meant to be overwhelming, despite the length. if you can't read all of this, that's Okay. you do not need to give up on your writing.

here we go:

compersion!

compersion is a BIG thing in a lot of polyamorous relationships. it's joy derived from seeing two (or more) of your partners happy together, or joy derived from seeing your partner happy with someone else.

compersion is really important as a concept because it highlights that every individual relationship within a polycule is different -- and that that's a GOOD thing. it's sort of the inverse of jealousy.

by the "inverse of jealousy," i mean that instead of feeling left out and upset and possessive, you feel happy/joyous/content.

i can use personal experience as an example: it's a Relief for me when my partners receive joy/support/sex/romance/etc that i can't (or prefer not to) give them. and i love seeing my partners make each other laugh and be silly together.

it's 100% okay for a poly triad not to be together 100% of the time, it doesn't mean that the third member is being left out or not treated equally when two people do things alone together.

(i have individual dates with my partners all the time! PLUS larger 3-and-4-person date nights.)

if the third member DOES feel jealous or left out, then the polycule can have a conversation to figure out what needs/wants aren't being met, and solve that. this happens semi-regularly in my polycule, as it will happen in any relationship (including monogamous ones)! it's just part of being an adult, sometimes you have to talk about feelings.

metamours!

a metamour is someone who is dating your partner, but ISN'T dating you. this may not be relevant for people writing closed three-person romantic sexual triads, but it's a super helpful term to know.

the linked article also lists different types of metamour relationships with some fun phrasing i hadn't heard before. the tl;dr is: sometimes you'll be domestic cohabitation friends, sometimes you'll be buddies with your own friendship, sometimes you might not interact much outside of parties, every relationship is different.

there's no one-size-fits-all requirement for metamour relationships. sometimes polyamorous people will end up dating their metamour after a while (has happened to me), sometimes polyamorous people will break up with one partner for normal life reasons, but remain friendly metamours.

the goal of polyamory is NOT for EVERYONE to fall in love. it is 100% okay if this happens in your story, it happens in real life too! but it is also 100% okay for characters to be metamours without ever becoming "more than friends."

(sidenote: try to kill any internalized "more than" that you have when it comes to friendship. friends are just as important and special and vital as partners.)

of course there are a million ways for messiness to occur with metamours within a complex polycule, exactly like with close-knit platonic friend groups. however this post is not about that! there's enough "here's how polyamory can go wrong" stuff out there already, so i'm focusing on the positives here :)

open versus closed polyamorous relationships!

i'm struggling to find an online article that reflects my experience without directly contradicting at least SOME stuff. so i'll give a quick rundown

google has a bunch of conflicting definitions of open relationships and whether open relationships are different from polyamory. the general consensus seems to be that an open relationship prioritizes one partnership (often a marriage), but that each partner can have extraneous flings or long-term commitments (most often sexual in nature).

this is not typically how i use the term wrt polyamory. the poly concept is pretty simple. a closed polyamorous relationship is one with boundaries like a monogamous one. there are multiple partners in the polycule, but they are not interested in having anybody new join said polycule.

an open polyamorous relationship tends to be more flexible -- it just means that IF someone in the polycule develops mutual feelings for a new person, it's fine for them to become part of said polycule if they want to! the relationship/person is open to newcomers.

some groups will need to negotiate this all together, others will just go "haha, you kids have fun." just depends on the individuals!

with open AND closed polyamorous relationships, the most important thing is making sure that there's respectful communication and that everyone is on the same page. but there's no one-size-fits-all way to do that.

i wish i could give you guys a prescriptive "You Must Do It This Way" guide, but that's.... basically the opposite of what polyamory is about, HAHA.

feelings for multiple people!

i was gonna tack this on to the previous section but decided it warranted its own lil bit.

a defining feature (....i'm told?) of monogamous relationships is that a monogamous person only has feelings for One individual at a time. they only want a relationship with one individual at a time. or, if they DO have feelings for multiple people simultaneously, they're still only comfortable dating one person at a time & being exclusive with that one person.

this is perfectly fine!

the poly experience is generally different from this. but once again..... polyamorous people all have different individual perspectives on this.

for me, i have never been able to draw hard boxes around romantic vs sexual vs platonic relationships, & i love many people at once. my personal polycule lacks many strict definitions beyond "these are my chosen people, i want to forge a life with them indefinitely, whatever shape that life takes"

some poly people feel explicit romantic or sexual attraction to multiple people at once, some poly people feel almost no romantic or sexual attraction at all. i'd say that MOST poly people feel different things for different partners, which is not a bad thing!

some poly people are even monogamous-leaning -- they have just chosen one romantic partner who is themselves part of a larger polycule. (so this monogamous-leaning person has at least one metamour!)

or alternatively, they might have one romantic partner AND a qpr, or other ways of defining relationships. (this is a factor in my own polycule!)

i made this its own point because if you're writing a straightforward triad, this is unlikely to come up in the story itself -- but it's worth thinking about how your characters develop/handle feelings outside of their partnerships.

like, is this sort of a soulmateship, 'these are the only ones for me' type deal? in which they won't fall in love with anyone else, and can be fairly certain of that?

that's pretty close to typical monogamous standards but you Can make it work. just be thoughtful with it

alternatively, can you see any of these characters falling in love Again after the happily-ever-after? and how would the triad approach it, if so? what would they all need to talk about beforehand, and what feelings would everybody have about the situation?

it's worth considering these questions even if the hypothetical will never feature in your actual canon, because knowing the answers to these questions will help you understand all of the individuals & their relationship(s) MUCH better.

i've been typing this for nearly two hours and there's a lot more i COULD say because... there's just a lot to say. i'll close out with some quick questions that you can ask yourself when developing the dyad dynamics within your triad

first, take a page and create a separate section for each individual dyad. then answer these questions for every pair:

how does each pair act when alone?

how do they act differently alone compared to when they're with their third partner?

are there any elements of this dyad (romantic, sexual, financial, domestic, etc) that these two people DON'T have with the third partner?

if so, what are they?

are there any boundaries or hard limits within this dyad that aren't shared with the third partner?

if so, what are they?

partner 3 goes out of town alone for a few weeks. what are the remaining two doing in their absence?

(doesn't have to be anything special, it's just to get a sense of how the two interact on a day-by-day basis without the third there)

what is something that each partner in the dyad admires about the other -- that they DON'T necessarily see in the third partner?

what problem do These Two Specifically need to solve in the story before their relationship will work?

how is that problem DIFFERENT from the problems being solved within the other two dyads?

doing this for ALL THREE dyads is VITAL imo. that way, you develop complex and nuanced and different relationships that all have unique dynamics.

those questions should be enough to get you started, i hope

then After you've charted the differences in relationships, you can start to jot down similarities in the overarching triad. what does one person admire in Both of their partners? what are activities that all three like to do together? what are boundaries or discussions that all three share?

but the main goal is to figure out how to Differentiate each relationship!

a polycule is only as strong as the individual relationships within it. if two people are struggling with their own relationship, adding a third person won't fix that.

(UNLESS the third person is the catalyst for those two to, like, Actually Communicate And Work Their Shit Out. i just mean that the old adage of "maybe if we just add a third-" works about as well to fix a miserable non-communicative marriage as, uh, "maybe if we have a baby-")

AND FINALLY.

if you're not sure whether your poly romance reads organically to poly people, you can hire a sensitivity reader with poly experience. if you can't afford that, you can read up on polyamorous resources like a glossary of terms & articles actually written by poly people. (and stories written by poly people!)

you can also just.... ask poly people questions, if they're open to it. i like talking about polyamory and my own relationships so you're welcome to send asks if u want, i just can't guarantee i'll answer bc my energy levels fluctuate a lot and i don't always have time.

polyamorous people are in an uphill battle for positive representation right now & so the LAST thing i want to see is authors giving up on their stories bc they're worried about getting things Wrong. well-meaning and positive stories that treat this kind of love as normal, healthy, & aspirational are So So So Needed. even if you guys end up with some funky-feeling details.

seriously, if you're monogamous then you probably don't have a full idea of Just How Nasty a lot of people can get about polyamory. i wish it DIDN'T mean so much for you guys to want to write nice stories about us, but it does mean a lot. and it means a lot that you want to do it WELL.

in conclusion. this is not a prescriptive guide, it's just a way to raise questions. and also, you all are doing FINE.

[jax-likes-snax]

Dude it's so weird how monogamous people will take personal offense to your open or polyam relationships, as if it's their personal business how your relationship works and they try to make up the rules of your relationship for you. I'm perfectly happy with the idea of my boyfriend sleeping with other people, yet one of his online friends took offense to that today and told me I was just encouraging him to cheat, and when I tried to explain to him that cheating means boundaries have been crossed and the rules of what loyalty means to your personal relationship means to your were broken he got so mad at me on my behalf and tried saying shit like "This new generation just wants to normalize cheating" as if he isn't the same generation as me and my boyfriend. Like it's our relationship and we agreed that it's alright for him to sleep with others, but this monogamous guy got so offended by it because of his past experiences with cheating. And I know damn well that this is a common occurrence for non monogamous people to deal with. Why do monogamous people feel so entitled to make the rules of our relationships for us?

[sparkly-sediment]

do you have thought about. polyteam (minus spyscout. FUCK spyscott)Who the shit is scott

why yes I do! I think these gorillas wake the jungle with their monkeyfucking!

Why the Tf2 mercs could actually be a polyteam

I believe polyteam minus interfamilial relations (ew!) is a biological destiny derived from primitive social systems and is a result of homo sapiens’ evolution

Early modern humans banded together in polyamorous groups of roughly 10-15 people and those groups likely had open sexual relationships (supported by fossil records and the habits of our closest relatives the apes!!)

🦧 🦍 ❤️❤️😩💦🧬

These groups would work together to survive and share tasks such as hunting, foraging, building tools and shelter, and even grooming!!

They also had sex with each other!

Intimacy improves the relationships within a group and builds trust. Yk how some people enjoy a/b/o? Minus the hierarchy and m-preg thing (unless… do you think Medic would??) yes Early Modern Humans were like that!!! most likely with the current scientific understanding of homo behavior and evolution

So, the tf2 mercs being one big band of men living together and fighting together is already canon. It makes biologically sense to make them be freaky!! T O T A L L Y how science works! Medic def agrees I’m sure!!

And, with Scout and Spy being related, it still works. In contemporary hunter/gatherer societies children have upwards of 10-14 primary caregivers! Scout could either be fathered by 8 men of bodied by 8 men. Either way, it would work out alright.

As a means of unifying the group, strengthening bonds, and coping with the gravel wars, these guys could totally circle jerk. More likely, however, is passing one another around like a blunt and they all get ripped

(not literally tho, i prophesize they take prep rather seriously) (fingers up their butts) (monkey sounds)

[yantao-enthusiast]

think we should start shaming monogamy more. like your relationship only has two people?? isn’t that weird…. i’m sure that would get boring, i couldn’t imagine having just one partner. i’m sure you’ll find another person too, you just haven’t met the right people. when are you getting another in your relationship?? oh never?? but sweetie don’t you want to add to your relationship, everyone wants to do that….