#mind control recovery

[pearl484-blog]

Part 2:

Things are different when you follow your own orders. When there's no one to tell you what to do. It fills you with a gnawing ache that nothing will fill. Not your old hobbies, not your old lessons, not your old habits and routines.

You follow your friends advice. You try new hobbies. You take new classes. You break your habits piece by piece and build them a new. You keep going to them for suggestions, chasing a more hollow sort of control that is little more than boxes on a checklist neither of you enjoy. It does not help. You are afraid nothing will.

You are a burden to them. Your inability to be what they are is an annoyance. They do not tell you this, but you know.

You start to hate resent become frustrated with Ladybug. She did this to you. She cursed you with free will under the delusion that it was a gift.

She meant no harm. You know she didn't. She's Ladybug. The hero of Paris. Your partner. Being angry with her is `BAD,` and you should forgive her—You always do—because grudges are bad. For Paris. For your `REPUTATION.`

WIP Freewill is a curse

You were made to serve. You were supposed to be perfect at it -dutiful and obedient. Nothing touched the shell they put you in. Boredom and dissatisfaction meant nothing to you. Why would it when it simply meant you were waiting for another duty?

You were made to serve, gently and happily, with a calm, placid smile. They filled you with kindness and patience, which isn't really love, but it's as close as you can get.

You tell yourself it's better this way. You aren't bothered by the things that hurt everyone else. Your laughter only heals and never hurts. You are a mantle of safety, a beacon of warmth in this harsh world.

And Ladybug stole that from you.

She stole your purpose. She stole your calm. She stole everything when she forced a tiny ring in your hand and called it freedom.

Freedom? What is freedom when it makes your heart shudder? Or when your breath cant fill your lungs?

For the first time in your life, the world is full of limitless possibilities and the weight is crushing you. This weight is meant for normal people.

They're the ones who are supposed to enjoy this, crave this, but you were never built for this. You were always told what to do, how to use your spare time.

Now there's nothing besides this overwhelming pressure. Pressure they expect you to want, to crave. They want you to smile and thank them with pretty little lies, and you don't know what else to do so you obey.

It's all you know

[creature-wizard]

A warning for trauma survivors looking for online support

You may have come across the acronym "RAMCOA", which stands for "ritual abuse, mind control, and organized abuse."

If you search the Internet for RAMCOA, you might come across a result like this:

If you click the link, you'll be taken to a site that briefly describes what RAMCOA supposedly is, with content like:

MC - Mind Control. A shortened form of TBMC, standing for Torture Based Mind Control. MC is also known as programming, where victims are repeatedly tortured starting at a very young age to intentionally cause a system of dissociated parts that function perfectly to suit the abusers' needs.

alpha : a base program, one of the very first implemented. it trains the victim's mind to accept every order given by handlers willingly. parts with alpha programming will often have no will of their own, and very little personality outside of following orders.

aiw : alice in wonderland. typically split into 3 different sections : black alice, white alice, and crazy alice. ideally, a system scripted with aiw would have all three. white alice makes sure the system forgets the trauma, black alice makes the system feel like theyll be a danger to others if they remember the trauma, and crazy alice makes the system think theyre making it up or going insane if they ever remember it.

Literally all of this comes from a conspiracy theory - specifically, the Project Monarch alter programming conspiracy. It was developed and pushed by far right conspiracy theorists. Most of what people run into specifically traces back to Fritz Springmeier, a man who claimed in the 90's that the fight for gay rights was part of a plot to enthrone the antichrist in the year 2000. The Project Monarch conspiracy theory was always adjacent to the Satanic Panic, if not a somewhat niche part of it. If you start checking citations, you will find many of these people citing Svali, a conspiracy theorist who gets a lot of her material from Springmeier. (Example 1, example 2.)

This is no accident. The term RAMCOA was created by the International Society for the Study of Trauma and Dissociation (ISSTD), which was created by and for psychologists who believed in the myths promoted during the Satanic Panic.

The RA part comes from "satanic ritual abuse," which was coined by Dr. Lawrence Pazder of Michelle Remembers (cw for descriptions of horrible abuses) fame. Lawrence Pazder is the man who effectively started the Satanic Panic. It cannot be overstated that Pazder, now a known malpractitioner, was considered the expert on ritual abuse during this time.

The MC part comes from "trauma-based mind control," which was coined to refer to the alleged abuses inflicted in Project Monarch. Parts of this conspiracy theory that can't be traced back to Fritz Springmeier can usually be traced back to Cathy O'Brien and Mark Phillips, two other (really racist) conspiracy theorists.

Ultimately, the entire conspiracy theory is constructed from tropes that go back to The Protocols of the Learned Elders of Zion (a known antisemitic hoax), blood libel, and early modern witch panic.

Searching the Internet for RAMCOA resources, ritual abuse, or trauma-based mind control will always bring you to conspiracy theorists.

(Also, the term OEA, which stands for "organized extreme abuse," will lead you to conspiracy theorists as well.)

So yeah, if you're looking for support, be very wary of this stuff. It will absolutely not help you heal; just the opposite.

[jumpywhumpywriter]

Beauty and the Freak part 18

Warnings: extremely toxic parents, mind conditioning/forced obedience, fight scene, living weapon being unleashed

He jerked his chin meaningfully at the guards around him, then at Silas. "Restrain him," he ordered calmly.

Annabelle shivered. Her parents refused to see reason, and part of her suspected they were looking for any small crime whatsoever to kill Silas -- they obviously didn't feel comfortable around him, and were even less comfortable with him being around their sole daughter. This was just coincidentally the perfect opportunity for her parents to finally dispose of the potential threat.

"NO! I won't let you!" Annabelle cried, and put herself between her parents' guards and Silas as they approached to restrain him, blocking the way.

"Annie, step aside," Sofia said impatiently. "You're too old to be throwing temper tantrums anymore. This is getting out of hand."

Annabelle felt a pang of hurt. They were treating her like a toddler again, and she hated that there was nothing she could ever do about it! If she didn't listen, they'd just have their guards force her into obedience, and claim it was 'for her own good'. They'd started doing that ever since Caterina's death, becoming way too overprotective of their one remaining daughter.

She couldn't do anything about it before... but... she'd also never had Silas.

An idea sparked in her mind. She could flip the tables on them.

With a hand signal from her mother, two guards came and each grabbed one of Annabelle's arms to force her to step aside and let Silas be taken away by the three others present in the dining room, where he would later be euthanized like a lowly animal.

"No! Let GO!" She shouted, kicking at them. Her eyes flicked over to Silas, finding him staring directly at the nearest of the two guards holding her, tense and alert with alarm etched into his face. Like a coiled snake ready to strike.

Then his gaze darted over to meet Annabelle's... expectantly.

And Annabelle knew in that moment she couldn't let herself be pushed around any longer. She wouldn't let them kill Silas. Her only real friend, after her cruel parents had chased away all the others.

She knew exactly what Silas was waiting for.

"...Silas, help me," she croaked. A direct command. Just like he was anticipating.

Silas was instantly in motion, lunging forward and crashing his broad shoulder into one of Annabelle's guards hard enough to send them flying. For such a large man, he could move fast.

The second guard was too shocked to move as Silas targeted him next, grabbing the front of his uniform and wrenching him away from Annie, before lifting him bodily into the air with a single hand like he weighed nothing -- a terrifying display of power and brute strength.

The guard scrabbled uselessly at Silas's arm, eyes wide with panic.

"Don't kill him!" Annabelle barked as her friend wound a giant fist back.

Silas froze obediently, flexing his fingers a few times like he was just itching to strangle the man in his hold, then settled for tossing him like a ragdoll onto the floor instead so that he skidded across the expensive tile.

The other three guards descended upon him like wolves, electric batons out and buzzing with high-voltage electricity, swarming forth to neutralize the threat.

None of them managed to land a single hit.

Two seconds and the first guard was downed, left with a broken nose.

Three more and the second was knocked unconscious with a set of cracked ribs.

By the sixth second Silas had the last man in a fierce chokehold, his face flat and impassive as the guard thrashed and struggled in his grip, clawing at the thick arm around his neck cutting off his air.

Silas waited until the man went limp before carelessly dropping him on the floor alongside the other guards groaning and in various states of consciousness.

He hadn't even broken a sweat. It was terrifying how easily he'd taken out five trained guards with nothing but his bare hands. The sheer power he possessed was remarkable. No wonder everyone was so scared of him.

Except Annabelle, who watched it all happen with barely a wince. The only one who controlled the dangerous monster. The only one who had befriended him and won his complete faith and trust.

Annie's parents looked horrified, glancing between their daughter and her new weapon with jaws agape. Apparently their guards weren't able to protect them as well as they'd thought.

Annabelle averted her gaze shamefully, guilt tugging at her conscience even though she'd acted in self-defense.

"Annie," Sofia choked out, the hurt clear in her voice.

Annabelle turned away from her, not listening to whatever her mother said next as she started walking briskly away to retreat to her room, fighting back tears.

"Silas, please come," she said without stopping, voice wobbling.

She didn't look back to see if he obeyed, but she could hear his footsteps as he fell in line behind her. But then--

"Silas, stop."

The order was clear and authoritative -- but the voice wasn't Annabelle's.

Annabelle whipped around to see her mother cautiously walking towards them with hands raised placatingly.

"Silas, do not let my daughter leave this room. You will obey me and only me from now on.”

Annabelle's blood went ice-cold.

Her mother had figured out how to work with Silas's obedience conditioning. Figured out that he only responded directly to outright commands.

⏪️ Back Next ⏩️

Masterlist

@scoundrelwithboba @lumpofsand @isikedmyself878 @iamheretohurt @fleur-a-whump

@ay5ksal @otterfrost @sausages-things @togzy

@whump-till-ya-jump @cravesunconditionallove @whumpwritinglover222 @what-if-i-just-did @written-in-the-stars135

@neverthelass

[earthspark-shockwaves-reduction]

actually I find it so funny that they made a whole new bot named aftermath instead of actually showing the aftermath of s1

[shamelesslyimpurrfect]

<3

[oddsconvert]

I'm thinking of writing a little overview/profile of all the physical/psychological effects that Declan's captivity and persuasion has on him in the future 👀

[das-ist-mein-neuanfang]

Reminder that you don't have to label anything. You don't have to keep a journal with every alter of your system and figure every tiny bit out. It's okay to just go with the flow and it's okay to write down something that you think is important to remember. It's also okay to just trust your gut and don't force yourself to anything just because everyone else does. If I learned one thing then it is that the goal is what matters. And if what you're doing is good for the goal (for example better communication) then great. And if you find yourself just losing in it without any progress then maybe it's not helping your goal.

Also just because someone else handles something in x way, it doesn't mean it's helping you too. Maybe y or z are a better fit and maybe z is the one just for you and no one else. Don't stress yourself to fit into something that's not meant for you.

[elfy-art]

i want the parts of your hand-grenade heart that beat slowly with anger and fear

[furiousgoldfish]

I finished reading "Becoming Yourself: Overcoming Mind Control and Ritual Abuse" by Alison Miller, and it was filled with incredibly useful information for those who struggle with a dissociative identity disorder. It was also filled with descriptions of some of the most extreme and atrocious kinds of abuse, so to anyone wanting to read it, there's a trigger warning for cult abuse, rituals, childhood sexual abuse, satanic rituals, child trafficking, child murder, brainwashing, mind control, and every form of religion used against the mind of a child.

I was reading this book to figure out if I had gone thru any kind of abuse of the sort, and I didn't, one of my abusers was utilizing religion against me and had done enough of brainwashing to construct several brainwashed and controlled parts, who were still under the influence, but that was it. The book is extremely clear and it will not confuse you about what happened to you, it tells you the intention behind every type of abuse, and often, how to resolve the results. The books also notes that the word 'alter' is triggering to those who went thru ritual abuse and developed a dissociative identity disorder, for similarity with the word 'altar', which is used in rituals, so they prefer to use the terms 'insiders' and 'parts', which I found to enjoy as well.

One of the repeating points in the first half of the book was on insiders who pretend to be something else, for instance, insiders who pretend to be your abusers, pretend to be demons, pretend to be gods or powerful entities, who believe it's their job to hurt you, or to control you, who are made to bring out consequences if you attempt to act against your abusers. I had something like that in my head, but I had refused to believed it was an insider, because it looked just like a case of 'internalized abusive voice', and I had fought against it viciously and focused on shutting that voice down and keeping it scared, often via imagined torture if it was making me feel anxious. Reading about these other scary entities, who would, when asked, admit to just being an insider pretending, I became curious enough to engage with the abusive voice and ask it, 'are you just an alter pretending'? The voice laughed at me and admitted to being found out, and then promptly stopped pretending and showed themselves as a child part. It took me several weeks to admit to myself that this was real, because it was mortifying. I had fallen for the trick, and even tortured a child part for doing their assigned job – this part now believed their only function was to be tortured. I feel responsible for that. But there was no way for me to know. Insiders are good at keeping up a pretense.

You can sometimes recognize that an entity in your head that is scaring you, claiming to be able to control you or triggering you on purpose, or pretending to be evil, demonic, terrifying, animalistic, powerful, magical, godly, is actually a child part, just because they often act the version of that thing that a child would believe is real. If your entity is often repeating the same lines, only knows 1 way of behaviour and has predictive responses, believes to be your abuser or something similar to it, doesn't follow any real-life logic and seems to belong to another world that a child would think is accurate, then it's likely a child part, for some reason programmed or brainwashed to believe they're what they're pretending to be. I should note that when children think of these scary entities, they're often very creative, and put their whole heart in it, so it's going to be an entity that is engaging, feels powerful, doesn't back down easily. Parts who pretend to be evil or demonic will sometimes cling to what they think they are very dearly and will not allow themselves to think of themselves as humans or children, this is for their own emotional protection. All they had in their childhood was being tough. They cannot let that go.

Another incredibly useful information I got from the book was on how to process trauma if you are a multiple. I had never seen instructions on how to do this before, and I'm going to share them in another post that should be posted right after this one, and I'll put a link to it here.

[jumpywhumpywriter]

Beauty and the Freak part 16

Warnings: severe panic attack, forced obedience/mind conditioning

Retaliation was all he'd learned to expect -- the concept of forgiveness and accidents were foreign to him.

Annabelle heard Silas wail from behind the bathroom door like an injured animal having its lungs ripped out.

She shivered, standing up straight again, and let out a heavy sigh.

This was going to be hard.

She tried giving Silas some time alone to calm down and stop panicking, getting to work cleaning up the glass from the broken vase and patching up her arm with some gauze -- but Silas still hadn't left the bathroom by the time she was finished.

Annabelle waited patiently, but two hours passed with no sign of Silas coming out -- and she started to worry he would never show his face again.

She walked over to the bathroom door and knocked lightly, but got no response -- though she could still hear him trapped inside, sobbing wretchedly.

"Silas -- I promise I'm not mad at you. Can you please come out so we can talk?" She called gently. "You won't be punished, I promise -- it was an accident."

Silas didn't unlock the door, and didn't even acknowledge her words.

Annabelle spent three solid hours trying to coax him out of hiding, with no success.

She briefly left to get food at one point -- but he was still locked in the bathroom when she returned.

Annabelle groaned inwardly. They were getting nowhere with this.

Her heart twinged with guilt at the thought, but she knew one thing that Silas wouldn't ignore, no matter how terrified he was:

A direct command.

It pained her to use his past conditioning and fear-based training against him, but Silas had made it very clear by now that he wouldn't be coming out on his own anytime soon.

And Annabelle had seen how he reacted to official commands. It was time for him to stop hiding, of his own free will or not.

"Silas, open this door," Annabelle said firmly. "Right now."

There was a moment of silence, followed by the distinct click of the lock being unlocked -- before the bathroom door cracked open a hair. Barely an inch.

Annabelle rolled her eyes. "All the way, Silas -- you won't be getting away with finding loopholes. Open the door all the way."

The door slowly did -- revealing Silas, trembling so hard he looked like he could barely stand at all, sweat and tears rolling down his scarred face.

Still hadn't calmed down, apparently. He must have taken her single scratch wound far more seriously than she anticipated, if he was this horrified by it.

Silas's gaze was locked firmly on the floor at Annabelle's feet -- he refused to look any higher than that.

"Come out," Annabelle sighed, gesturing pointedly to the bed. "Sit."

She shuddered uneasily when Silas obeyed, trudging over to sit on the edge of the bed like she requested -- no, demanded. It felt so terribly wrong to hold this kind of power over someone. To be able to strip away their free will so easily on a whim and force compliance.

"Stay there until I tell you it's okay to get up," Annabelle forced out, disgusted with herself as the command left her mouth. Silas wasn't some rabid pet she could boss around whenever she pleased!

But it had the desired result -- Silas stayed in place, not daring to move.

Annabelle came over and sat on the bed next to him, ignoring how Silas winced.

She wordlessly wrapped an arm around him in a side-hug.

She could hear his breath hitch, feel him tense up. Wanting to recoil, but that would go against Annabelle's orders to stay right where he was until she said otherwise.

"Breathe, Silas -- you're okay," Annabelle told him. "Slow your breathing down, relax."

Silas did manage to stop hyperventilating, but couldn't achieve the 'relax' demand -- he was too scared. Not even a direct command could wipe away his terror. It was too primal, too instinctual.

"Let's talk about what happened, all right?" Annabelle prompted softly.

"A-Are... Are you going to get rid of me and send me back to my old master?" Silas whispered, his shaky voice barely more than a shallow rasp of air.

Annabelle scoffed. "Of course not. I would never give you back to that sadistic man. You're staying here -- no matter what."

Silas did seem to relax a fraction after confirming that, but was still visibly on-edge and rattled.

"I-I'm so sorry miss Annabelle, I panicked and -- you got hurt because of me. Your parents were right -- I'm not safe to be around." He buried his face in his hands, devastated. "I wouldn't blame you if you had me euthanized after this."

"Silas!" Annabelle gasped in horror. "I would never do that!"

Silas looked genuinely surprised by her answer. "But... why not?”

"Because this?" Annabelle waved her bandaged arm in the air, pointing meaningfully at it. "This is called an accident. You didn't mean for it to happen. So I understand -- and forgive you. I also shouldn't have tried to wake you in the middle of a nightmare -- that one's on me."

"But... what will your parents think?" Silas croaked.

"I'm planning to wear a long-sleeved jacket for awhile to hide the scratch long enough for it to heal. My parents will never even know it happened."

Silas stared at her with wide eyes. "You'd lie to your parents... to protect someone like me from being put down?"

"Yes. Because you're innocent. We all make mistakes. Your reaction to a nightmare was perfectly understandable, given your traumatic past. I would never judge you for something so out of your control.”

"You're far too gracious to me," Silas rasped, shoulders hunched forward.

Annabelle nodded reassuringly. "And if my parents find out, I'll just explain what happened, and that it was a honest mistake."

But her gut twisted in knots when she said it -- because she couldn't guarantee her parents would listen to the full story, considering how much they already hated Silas and wanted to get rid of him. They'd be all too eager to pounce on the opportunity to dispose of him. But she had to hope they'd understand.

It was better if her injury stayed secret, though, if possible. It would save her a lot of trouble.

⏪️ Back Next ⏩️

Masterlist

@scoundrelwithboba @lumpofsand @isikedmyself878 @iamheretohurt @fleur-a-whump

@ay5ksal @otterfrost @sausages-things @togzy

@whump-till-ya-jump @cravesunconditionallove @whumpwritinglover222 @what-if-i-just-did @written-in-the-stars135

[scavangers-daughter]

I can probably accept at this point that the coiners of RAMCOA are little shits

But at this point the community is so intertwined that it’s hard to separate

HC DID is a new enough term that calling it problematic and not using it makes sense

RAMCOA is tricker

Sure we can change like the ISSD did and use OEA but it’s not as well known what that acronym is and means compared to RAMCOA

And even then, it’s coined by the ISSD so some people could call it problematic solely from that fact

I guess I’m just not sure where the line is drawn to say fuck it I’m reclaiming this I don’t care where it comes from

Because we NEED community. Knowing there are others like us out there is so so helpful (to our system in particular, I cannot speak for everyone)

And being able to point and say hey this person gets it on a different level is a need for us

Thoughts?

[cepheusgalaxy]

Hmmmm Dimitri starts doing ballet

[libraryofbaxobab]

April 13, 2024:

Based on how much I loved her other book, Dead Silence, my expectations were too high. I spent the first half of this book concerned that this was wayyy too similar to We Have Always Been Here by Lena Nguyen but by the time the good stuff (i.e., the horrors) started happening I finally perked up.

I just love when a character is losing their mind, tries to speak, and then hears what they *actually* said. It must be so hard to write that in a way that scans, but it also wouldn't work in any other format. That scene was fantastic.

However, in general, the characterization "ineffectual psychologist who is more damaged and neurotic than literally everyone else" does not speak to me. Somehow they're always overly concerned with subtle power dynamics & what every little utterance or facial expression could mean, while also simultaneously acting clueless, overreacting, & speaking like they've never studied psychology. They're more like paranoid sociologists but it's harder to shoehorn in a sociologist into an interplanetary mission (hello, Invisible Things by Mat Johnson, I see you). People who watch Dr. Grande's YouTube channel have more clinical knowledge. To be fair, this particular Unwelcome Sci-Fi Psychologist is the best one I've come across, but I still just generally don't like it. Personally.

I was also waiting for a big twist and there wasn't one. I also didn't like how happy the ending was. For what was going on and the impossible position the characters were in, that pulled punch was way, way too soft. Not that everything has to be grimdark edgy shit, but this ending was all just a little too convenient.

6.5/10 #WhatsKenyaReading

[angelnumber27]

I want to draw my dreams but I don’t know if they are clear enough in my head for me to get a comprehensible image out of. Idk if that makes sense but I want to take what I dream about visualize it and create things based on it

[iero]

Had a panic attack that literally woke me up in the middle of the night last night and lasted until the early morning and let me tell you, that shit is TERRIFYING. Needless to say, I think I'm ready to go back to work.