#me: hates feeling lonely
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Dream’s room within Nightmare’s castle
This comic takes place after Nightmare’s theoretical death that I discussed before >:)
A bit of context under readmore
#realizing how that tiny part of your brother really cared while you were conditioned to believe he hates you down to the core time#mixed with how Nightmare made such a room to feel less lonely as Dream is his only family#all while denying that vulnerability within him to even exist#i’m so bad at environmental art don’t mind the very badly made room#I really wanted to explore this regardless cause fuck art skill i can do whatever the fuck i want and nothing can stop me#anothers art#dreamtale#dream#dream sans#dream!sans#dreamtale dream
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why is being a young butch kind of the most isolating feeling ever
#i feel like people hate people like me#we’re not represented anywhere#not even in media made by lesbians for lesbians#it’s so fucking lonely#lesbian#butch#butch dyke#butch lesbian#masc lesbian#queer masculinity
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2016 vs 2024
they will never stop going “omg that’s us!” at every pair of slightly dan and phil things they see :’)
#dan and phil#phan#they make me feel so lonely#i go Me and who? and they go Omg that’s us!#hate them#(i don't)#i just want what they have#rewatching the undertale series i’m not doing well
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I wonder how many people really love and relate to Alisaie because they too were the girl who struggled to understand how folks around her could act like suffering and selfishness and hivemind behavior was normal and their softness was called a weakness and so they built up an abrasive exterior to force people to take them seriously and now they don't know how to be vulnerable without feeling embarrassed or cringe even though they still feel things so deeply it's almost suffocating...
#it's me#i feel like i really understand why ali is always trying to prove herself#how strong and capable she is#that she isn't just emotional or impulsive#like i stated on another post alisaie's “violence” is more related to both her desire to be taken seriously#and also her preference for direct action rather than politics#she's a protector and defendor#and she is deeply frustrated by the way the world turned out#and i think she partially has felt very lonely in that for a long time#she just wants people to do right by each other#and she hates to see suffering and injustice#and she maybe hates even more that the general public kind of just falls in line#alisaie#alisaie leveilleur
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you ever just have a lot, a LOT of feelings all at once about a character and not even remotely enough words or brainpower to FORM the words to describe everything you're feeling. so it feels like you may explode. yeah
#sorry i got really into my feelings about mark hoffman again#the very specific version of him in my brain that i really really wish i had the time and energy to properly share with you guys#saw#well until i muster the energy to explode all of my feelings out into a fic. if you want to TRY and understand#know that my three biggest hoffman fic insps right now are as follows#your best kept secret hoffman. a series of mistakes hoffman. and rushed like a dreadful wind hoffman.#there is a very clear throughline just know i am extremely emotionally compromised rn#thinking about theee fics vs the canon path hoffman spirals down#something something the absolute tragedy of watching a man's descent into madness#the transformation of a man into a monster#and what could have saved him from himself and kramer's corruption#sorry i'm rambling so much oh my god i was just having such a crying fit out of nowhere about this#do you think he could feel it happening. do you think he was aware he was losing his mind.#the script version of him fucks with me so bad. the crazed rankings and the longer hair and him not being well kept anymore#it's impossible to think he didn't know he was deteriorating#fuuuck okay i need to either chill or write a whole longfic rn#i project on that guy so much i truly don't know if i could properly write my vision of him#until i do something more substantial the full extent of my hoffman exists for me and my boyfriend only. they get me like no one else#well ginny and jenna also get me. please read best kept secret and a series of mistakes Oh My God#where am i going with this. i like tag rambling actually this is a nice way to do it without forcing EVERYONE to read my delirium#anyways if you've read all of this i think i love you? feel free to dm me about hoffman and my very specific headcanons and aus#maybe soon i'll try and start writing my fics about this tragic man#i could never say any of this on twitter btw they'd string me up for my opinions on him as a sad wet beast who could have been fixed#if only he hadn't been weaponized first#god i'm too tired to even be as embarrassed about this as i should be. thought i unlearned cringe already#but i've been spending way too much time on twitter and they HAAATE hoffman there#rip. i know it's not that serious but i'm sensitive rn and hate feeling lonely in my thoughts#ok bye for real otherwise i'll never shut up. i might tag ramble more often bc this was therapeutic in a way i needed badly#cat chat
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Maybe the single life is for me
#slight??? rant incoming#but like I see people in relationships and get sad and miss being in one myself#then I remember everyone I’ve dated has been men#and I have not been treated right by a single one#and I actually hate when people who are happy and in a relationship tell me ‘you’ll get there soon’ because how the fuck do you know#and I am happy for people#I am.#but I hate how lonely I feel#then again I remember how freeing it is to be single#like I literally don’t have to worry about anybody or anything#but also I can’t pretend I don’t want to be yearned for? I don’t want to be chased? even just a little bit??#anyway I’ll stop before I make myself sad#jade speaks
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you know it's bad when i read svsss and tgcf, stories about just two guys falling in love and getting together, and think, "god i wish i were in between them."
gay little domestic cottage core life with binghe and qingqiu? please and thank you. being sandwiched by hua cheng and xie lian, two pretty men who are hundreds of years old? i am blushing, kicking my feet and giggling
and again, it's not even that i would want only one of them. like in both of the relationships, the two love each other too much to the point it'd feel wrong if they were separated! it wouldn't feel complete, so you gotta be with both of them!
but that's the thing; i just?? i feel so incredibly guilty whenever i think about being loved by these mxtx couples??? like it's so stupid but i feel like i'm intruding in on something and it's like, everyone else seems to just want them together only, not wanna be with them. like it's fuckin taboo or whatever
i feel like with any other character from any other media it'd be fine to simp for and write/read x readers of them, but when it comes to these books, it's off limits! no way, what are you, crazy? yes, yes i'm unhinged and desperately want their love and affection simultaneously. i want to be in a happy little poly relationship with these overpowered beautiful men with long hair.
i can't be the only guy or whoever to feel this way?? to wanna be kissed by these characters? sandwiched?? i have two hands for christ sake and they all look so happy together and im just like "lord i wanna be with them so much". someone tell me i'm not alone cmon <\3
#okay i havent read mdzs yet but i'll probably feel the same way#god i just wanna be in between shen qingqiu and binghe or hua cheng and xie lian please please#im sad im queer and im ready for a gay poly relationship with these mfs#i love them all#i remember seeing some post where it was like 'hua cheng x fem reader headcanons'#and i was like 'huh thats interesting. not fem but i'll check it out bc ive never rlly seen anything like that'#and then it was like 'he'd leave you for xie lian' and it was fucking hilarious actually#but then i saw the comments on that post and they were all like 'omg i was about to unfollow and block you' 'thank god' etc#and i was just like#'damn?? do people really not like this type of stuff when it comes to danmei novels or smth?'#i don't know if it was just bc it said fem reader or bc yk it's danmei and hua cheng and xie lian are very much in love and happy#but it lowkey kinda got me self conscious lmao and i was hella feeling bad#also no hate to that poster or those commenters im just a lonely queer man#'he would leave you for xie lian' was fucking brutal though i laughed my ass off at thag KAHSNZJ#please i swear i wont stand out too much i can fit in i have long luxurious hair too let me show you my hair care routine guys </3#svsss#mxtx svsss#luo binghe#bingqiu#tgcf#heavens official blessing#mxtx tgcf#mxtx novels#mxtx characters#hua cheng#xie lian#hualian#shen qingqiu#the scum villain's self saving system
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Just a bit of lore relevant vent art (with terrible proportions bc apparently I mess that up horribly when I'm tired ugh. Watch me regret posting this tomorrow. The head size is already driving me mad bc it's too big, and I can feel myself wanting to abort this mission already) of Mourynn just, lying down on top of one of those large elevated Pale Tree roots far above the Grove (and far away from everyone else), and during the time between the early years and before the Personal story. Caithe is gone (Destiny's Edge), Wynne is gone (bc well, y'know...), even Faolain is gone (bc of Caithe in DE), and she's just feeling miserable, lost, and alone. (Her hair is in between her sapling hair and the Zhaitan hair, so it's grown out a bit bc she's depressed, and she's meant to be in the new outfit she designed, but I'm in the process of redesigning it a bit, so I've made a few tentative changes for now. Her collar is now just an extension of her clavicle leaves which can be put up like a collar, or can be draped down over her shoulders or back)
#gw2#sylvari#artgallery#mourynn#mourynn art#I've just been so tired lately bc of work#also just going a bit stir crazy with the silence (lonely; but alas I unfortunately suck at starting convos bc I have nothing interesting t#talk about and work has been draining my social energy; making it even harder :( (I'd rather burn the social energy with friends yknow?)#it's getting a wee bit better; but I haven't had much time or energy to even game while we're in the midst of our busiest season :(#I miss hanging out and chatting with my buds; but the universe insists on keeping us apart :(#just miss having something to look forward to throughout my day. Been trying to fill it with other things; but the depresso is overriding i#Mostly just been me with my thoughts and that is just bad bc I got so many horrors in there lmao.#I wanna at the very least; draw more or game more to distract from it; but work is sapping all my time and energy from it.#but also it's very quiet on my end and it's kicking my overthinking into overdrive so I#Ive just been fighting with my mind lately lmao#hopefully this will all pass soon so I won't obsessively keep thinking about it loll#lol I'd post this in the servers but it's vent art so it feels a bit weird to do; so it's going straight to home video w/o a theater releas#hopefully once work calms down it'll help#(I have so many long shifts makes me so frustrated bc I hate them and I run out of steam half way through)#other than all that I'm doing fine lol. My brain's always been like this; But I usually only get like this during the winter season#(bc of the holidays making everything quiet and also the SAD) so it feels weird having this exact same feeling happen to me in July lol
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being too weird and unlikable and off putting and always being shunned and turned into an outcast everywhere i go and not having felt the connection and healing friendship has on you for so many years has really done a number on me
#irl mostly. but even online. i cannot connect or find communities or support systems the way most of u can#even if i do have found great connections and one connection in particular im more than grateful for#but i have had so much of my humanness torn off for so long that i am awkward and useless in handling it#but yeah idk :/ im just so profoundly jealous of how everyone can just fit into a slot#even online when ppl talk abt being anxious and stuff they still have ppl to talk to#or ppl irl to hang out with and im like.. wow... i cant even do that :/#it is just so lonely in general. and it has made me confused and incapable of knowing how to be a human#and fully realise and actualize the one connection i do have#if i had gotten to learn and now know how to be a human and a person i would've... been a person#but now i feel so removed and far away from that idek how...#like im at a point where i cant even have simple and shallow conversations online bc im like so useless#maybe only other ppl with avpd and who have been socially rejected and isolated and alienated can fully understand what i mean#it is so scary and weird and i feel such deep envy for how people can just like... talk to eo. irl and online. i dont get it#and like the connection i do have that i mention bc it is so important to me.. that does all of those things#but it is like im so not used to anyone even keep wanting to have a connection with me#that i feel like bambi on ice 💀 for lack of a better metaphor#and inside of me idk how to dare to open up to it bc i've been numb and shut off i just dont know#i dont know. but i want to but idk how.#ahhhhhh wanna scream bc just trying to describe it so i can make sense of it is frustrating!!!!#it also sucks bc other ppl really dont seem to get how fkn weird and scary it is to feel so removed from humanness#and not even be able to do most basic human people things most ppl who are mentally ill or anxious do.. i cant even do that idk#talking and communicating is the main thing like ppl do not understand how fkn hard it is for me to even have a simple convo#and i cant explain it bc theres no way someone who doesnt feel the same and have avpd could get it...#but idk. i just hate all of this and i wish i had a normal functioning brain. i just wanna be like everyone else#even ppl w social anxiety are capable of having friends. and im terrified of losing the only connection i've somehow been lucky to get#in my hands??? im so scared of losing that but idk HOW to be a person and idk!!! idk!!#other ppl dont even think abt these things im so fkn jealous lmao#anyway whatever 😔
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I wish I could get my Leo Valdez solution too. Like, if I’m feeling left out, I should just get a gf/bf right? Because that definitely solves everything much more than learning to love myself and being okay with who I am. Right, Rick?
#I feel like the perfect ‘solution’ to this was right there#like deadass right there#and Rick just grabbed the wheel and made his own new road#Leo didn’t need to get a girlfriend handed to him for all of his problems to suddenly go away#calypso didn’t even want Leo#if Leo gets to have a partner because he’s feeling lonely then where’s mine#no srsly#I’m waiting#pjo#percy jackson#percy jackson and the olympians#leo valdez#calypso pjo#i hate caleo#but mostly bc of this#it seemed so unecessary to me#if u disagree that’s okay this is just my opinion#heroes of olympus#hoo#hoo ships#leo valdez character development
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Dear diary...
I'm sorry...
I'm sorry I always feel so hopeless...
I'm sorry I think ending myself is the only way out...
I'm sorry I don't take care of myself...
I'm sorry I don't study or work hard enough...
I'm sorry I'm so bad with money...
I'm sorry I sleep so much...
I'm sorry I don't go to therapy...
I'm sorry I dissociate so much...
I'm sorry I always want to relapse...
I'm sorry I don't try hard enough...
I'm sorry I want to give up...
I'm so sorry... You deserve so much better than me...
#dear diary#tw#personal#to my best friend#worthless#empty#tired#useless#i want to die#i hate myself#i'm sorry#pain#alone#anxiety#self harm#suicidal#sad#depression#heartbreak#hurt#hopeless#kill me#lost#lonely#broken#numb#not good enough#i love you bestie#so so so much ♥️#but i always feel like i'm not good enough for you...
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i am such a burden to everyone at this point i don’t know where to turn.
i’m not enough for anyone. i can’t do anything right.
i hate myself.
#dead#done#i want to disappear#panic attack#always alone#heartbreak#i feel numb#not enough#burden#hate myself#lonely#crying#suicidal#depressed#depression#anxiety#selfharrrm#self hate#me to myself#mentally fucked#mentally drained#mentally exhausted#mental abuse#actually mentally ill#i am done#i wanna die#tw death#goodbye
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#literally me#so lonely#protecting my peace#but is it worth it?#i feel so drained#why do i do this to myself#i hate this#i hate everything#when will it end#oh well#girl blogger#whisper girl#pinterest girl#manic pixie dream girl#just girly thoughts#just girly things#just girly posts#just girl stuff#it girl#hell is a teenage girl#girly tumblr#girly thoughts#girly things#girlcore#girlblogging#girlblogger#girlblog#girlboss#girl interrupted syndrome#girl interrupted
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very sad still see the saria/silence divorce headcanon still going around
have you ever tried to consider that they never dated before lone trail because it would be unrealistic with the timeline and the events and also because it would be overshadowing the actual truth of why they couldn't get along
#i'll elaborate#firstly it's ok if you headcanon this i don't want to invalidate what people think#it's just that I think it's a fanon joke that have been going around for way too long#and I can't help but shed a small tear when I see people really headcanoning it#I personally think it's way more interesting if we consider that they never had something going on before Lone Trail#mostly because it's weird that they started dating in like some months when they barely knew or saw each other#but also because it adds nothing but just makes things even more harder for them#my personal headcanon is that Silence was maybe having feelings for Saria but like#you know these very premature feelings#like just “oh wow she's pretty and nice”#but nothing like really deep#but they never had anything going on before the diabolic crisis#and after lone trail after they made up and saw each other's true person#they start to actually get real feelings#I'm just complaining but I've been still seeing it around somehow and it's sad to me that this joke became a fact for many people#there's still a lot of fanfics about how they had been dating and now they're on bad terms#I think that going on the “they're exes” route is way too easy and actually hides the potential and interesting reason#of why Silence was mad at Saria#it's not because she hates Saria or blame her#it's because she's mad at herself for being so weak#really making them appear as exes just hides this really interesting truth and makes it all seem to be a sad love story#consider that they never had any of this and that this tension between them is because they blame themselves!!#their story is not a love story but above all a story about self love and acceptance#just my two cents enjoy my rambling i go back to bed now#(not putting this in the main tag I don't want to start a war I'm just rambling)
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Growing up in an extremely ultra religious, cult-like family was a mindfuck for multiple reasons but that doesn't stop unfortunately, even when you escape. For example, see: The overwhelming feeling of boiling hatred and shame for who you used to be.
The angry hatred for the past person I used to be, the version of myself that mindlessly parroted my family's beliefs and listened to their every command, constantly simmered under my skin and invaded my every thought. I was embarrassed of what I used to be- even as I made friends of different ethnicities and faiths, as I listened and explored new ideas and worlds that I never knew existed, as I started the first LGBTQ+ club at my school and volunteered with kids who deserved so much more- there was always a little voice in the back of my head.
"They would hate you if they knew what you were. They would hate the horrendous teachings that were seared into your mind, the things that you used to say and believe. You are nothing but a pretender."
And it is true that my beliefs were bigoted in all the worst ways. It is true that I believed truly heart-wrenching things without a second thought and judged others in such harsh and unfair ways. I told myself that there was no coming back from that, not really. There was nothing I could do to ever make up for it.
Then I remembered that the person who said those things wore velcro light up sneakers and collected finger puppets that the librarians handed out as awards for reading picture books. The person that held signs at pro-life rallies and anti-LGBTQ+ protests had a cherished sticker book and hunted minnows in the creek after school and adored their puffle on club penguin and was really into greek mythology and had skinned knees from climbing trees at recess and knew every Disney song by heart and was absolutely terrified of the dark.
That person was a child.
I was a child.
It took a really long time. Years and years of reflection and distance, but I've decided that I can't hate the past version of myself anymore. I feel pity and remorse, I feel anger- I feel so much fury and violent rage- at what my childhood was and I grieve what could- no, should- have been, but I no longer resent who I was.
I'm not ashamed.
I am so, so, so unbelievably proud of that little kid. For being brave enough to leave the comfort and safety of what I was told was right. For not being afraid to be wrong. For seeking out information and knowledge in a culture that praised ignorance. For questioning everything, relentlessly.
I am by no means a perfect person, I never have been and I never will, but I am proud of myself in every iteration that has ever existed because I know that I have never stopped trying to understand and learn and grow, and I never will.
If you have ever been in a similar situation and feel similar things, first of all: My condolences on your lost childhood. Second of all: Please be nice to that past version of yourself and recognize all the hard work they did to make you who you are today. That person was a survivor and an inspiration. They deserve nothing but love.
#started anti depressants recently. kinda had an epiphany. i can't hate who i was. if i met me now i wouldn't blame that tiny child#for their rancid beliefs or for being dragged to protests. because thats a CHILD. i HAVE met kids in that position and i feel nothing but#pity and anger on their behalf. so why am i holding that version of myself to a higher standard?#i could not have known what i know now at 6 or 8 or 10. the same way that i could not have written a college level essay at that age#but i did what i could. in my own 8 y/o way. i believed in love and humanity and happiness. i was just misguided in the 'hows' of it all#and i am so so so so so proud. of every single microscopic step that i took. every question i asked. every thought that i hid and protected#and pondered secretly at night until new ideas and doubts bloomed like a dandelion through the pavement#and I'm so proud that i chased that doubt. that i asked why why why why until their ears bled and their voices were raw#until their answers stopped adding up. until i sought knowledge elsewhere with a mind dehydrated and malnourished and begging for knowledge#in any form i could get. i just. if i could hug that kid? if i could right now reach out and give that terrified and lonely child a hug?#i would. a million times over.#anyway sorry for the intense personal rant I'm just going through it rn and I'm like.... actually feeling alright#its wild. did you guys know about this??? anti depressants make you NOT depressed??? shits insane fam#irl#personal
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#today has just been rough and i dont know why#im really lonely and sad#i tried to write some of my original novel and i hate the result#like i just wrote utter shit today and am feeling down about it#and also one of my best friends isnt talking to me much for a few months and i have no idea why#i think shes busy but she ignores my attempts to reach out a hand#and i miss her so much#im struggling with isolation too#i wfh which is great most of the time but also#idk i wish i saw people every day
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