#maybe thats why i cant sleep
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I can't wait to leave this place.
#my rants#i hate it here#maybe thats why i cant sleep#actually bpd#actually mentally ill#bpd problems#bpd shit#bpd splitting#bpd struggles#bpd stuff#bpd thoughts#bpd vent#bpd rage#bpd relatable#bpd rant#borderline problems#borderline pd#borderline girl#borderline blog#borderline personality disorder#actually borderline#this is a girlblog#girlblogging#bpd girl#girl blogger
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i was thinking.... and ik i shouldn't make this an obligation, i'm supposed to have fun here, but i can't help but think i could be better... like a better writer yk. i feel like i could do so much more and the fact that i constantly have writer's block is not helping at all, if anything, just fuels my frustration. anyways, my apologies to y'all my lola lovers 😞
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I get mad at dad bc of our past... but. Mom and i were arguing about trump (she is voting for him bc he's Republican but doesn't like him as a person) and bc lots of ppl around me are like this (some really pro trump ppl also) sometimes i think im the crazy one. Being in isolation and just seeing things from the internet... i cant always trust my own mind
But then dad comes up and says "trump is off his rocker" and I'm like i forgive you for everything thank you for taking my side and showing I'm not the only one around who isnt trumpcrazy
#us#election#:(#:)#im so dead#i feel so tired#i havent been sleeping and the sleeping pill makes me feel awful#going to a weekend w my sister who i love who is trump voter and her husband hoards guns#maybe thats why i cant sleep#trying to get off sleeping pills but maybe not til after election :(#or maybe im doomed#i think worst case scenario#there r other things like this w dad#ill resent him for a while then he will say sth nice about my story#or be the only one to give $to Ukraine on my fb fundraiser#dad has had depression and i resent him for this and hurting me emotionally an d making me like him#but he isnt that bad....#he is a good person really and he's taking care of my cats this weekend#i have ro realize we are all ppl all w flaws and good things#but plz dont killl me for not voting like u#thats not America#we arent that desperate... we arent being killed or tortured in any way#americans are so self centered a lot of times#i have a global perspective vs most it seems#maybe im the sane one bc i have sensitivity to things and empathy#thats also why i cant cope and why the world kills me and why i cant make a difference
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day 6: burn
#my art#smallishbeans fanart#joel smallishbeans#smallishbeans#trafficblr#double life smp#<— supposed to be#DO YOU EVER GET THAT FEELING THAT what youve just drawn is like. a complete copy of something you’ve seen before#but you cant for the life of you remember what the fuck it was so youre not sure if thats true or not#because im getting that right nowand its SO BAD FOR MY ANXIETY RAAGDRGH#i literally had no idea what to do for this prompt i just did whatever came to mind first that didnt sound too hard for my tired brain#i procrastinated so i stayed up a little later finishing this so now its like. Bad hours of the night you know#maybe thats why my anxiety / paranoia is kicking in yikers im going to sleep now
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made the mistake of reading comics at the start of the week now i have to just let doodle ideas marinate for five days and act like im not gonna think about them for the next 120 hours
#snap chats#drawing is how i 'talk' and share my thoughts thats why i explode when i cant draw JVELAKEA#this SUCKS BALLS let me draw my old men NOW#i finally read my new mutant issues and First Off. i must get the next one(s)#the set i got doesnt have the fulllll. arc. and i must know how it concludes#for my sanity ill read it online first and maybe for my birthday ill get the rest of it <- thats like two months away#BUT ANYWAY NOOOOOOOOO I JUST WANNA DRAW ERIK //throws glass at wall//#id say i have to stop reading comics until i draw everything i want to but then id never pick up another comic#thats hyperbolic but i DO have a lot i want to draw already .... and now ive added significantly more to my list ....#i should sleep. it would be wise to sleep now no. good night everyone !!!!!!!!!!!!
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alright!!!! kitchen CLEANED ‼️ carry on PACKED ‼️ now i just need to do my homework and then maybe take a really really really quick (4 hour long) nap before dinner/online class. then i will grind on the silly silly why did i decide to do this animation meme/animatic until 3 am hits and i've gotta hit the port. the AIRport :3
in exchange for my incredible unprecedented productiveness i made this little doodle just now. i'm actually a liar i did this in school but still
#honestly killer could be doing fuck knows and i wouldn't even know. still love him though#at this point???? at this point i dont even keep up with his characterization i will not lie#horror and dust are my favorite children im sorry killer. you'll get your time to shine when the seasons change#which is probably soon idk man whatever i love them all ewually :333#anyways killer's just not sleeping in that one. bro's had the longest streak of no sleep he aint breaking it now#erm ACTUALLY he's looking at the viewer and therefore breaking the fourth wall and thats soooooo cool#triglycercule what are you on#why are they all sleeping in the same bed#well obviously because they didn't wanna deal with multiple#but also they cannot be bothered to cuddle close together#dust kicks too much. horror steals too much space. killer sometimes just sits up for several periods of time#worlds craziest sleep#killer actually could be sleeping in that one but i just dont know#but triglycercule didnt you draw this and therefore should know what he's doing?????#idk man killer's an enigma i cant control him 💀💀💀 he does his own shit whatever#i lov making killer so crazily abnormal its so silly#who cares about canon (i do) ok well still im having FUN doodling#shut up and get back to rereading askdusttale and horrortale and something new#alright........ (pitifully limps away)#i tag some things rants when its actually art but i just dont want my art tsg 2 be littered with doodles#maybe thats bad. maybe i should start tagging properly#ok rant tag removed........ iGUESS this is art#euaghhhhhh but its just a DOODLS!!!! IT DOESNT DESERVE TO BE CONSIDERED GOOD ART WORTHY OF THE TAG#but triglycercule art is art no matter if doodle or not. stop belittling yourself for naught!#i hate when i get inspirational and supportive on myself man can i just suffer without some knowitall up my ass#i sound insane rn what am i doing. the bit is not funny#and i changed my mind this is a rant again not art#tricule rant#see it WOULD be both if i wanted to do dual tags. but i dont
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I adore reading your rambling tags, don't stop posting things there 😩
Don't you worry. I think I might be incapable of stopping idk what happened I never used to tag ramble
#asks#anon#i do really love talking. clearly LOL#but ive also been working on listening the past few years#and thays pretty cool too#i had to learn how to think before i speak. like legitimately im not hearing the words I say#im thinking about my next sentence while i say the current one#its exhausting and i never remember what I've said HWJJJSDJEJ#but people tell me im direct and deliberate and clear so idk...#but listening is also really hard...#conversation in general is really hard#i stll love it of course#its just very tiring for me#which is PART of why I like to do this when i cant sleep cause of nightmares or whatever#tires me out haha and also is a great distraction#and is good practice! for me#so idk i just like it. and its nice to know its not annoying#i wouldn't post hardly any words at all without the safety of the tags#they're not rebloggable so thats a relief#you have to opt in to read them#the space is limited. etc etc#so. im glad it is wn option and im glad its a welcome one!#no intention to stop#thank you for the reassurance on it#delete later#maybe. I'm so tired i need to check later to see if i wnt to delete it#anxiety meds working yay i can sleep bye
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I'm so fucked
#ramblings with major#cursing#trying to fix my sleep schedule so i can be on time at work when i have to show up ~6 hours before the store opens#meaning at least 6 hours before i usually get up on early days#and im still struggling to wake up#it doesnt help that i close the night before and if i were to pass out the moment i get home and wake up with Maybe enough time to get ready#id still only get 7 hours of sleep. so with dinner. showering. getting ready for bed. thats at least two hours lost.#and then whether or not i actually fall asleep once my head hits the pillow. well that could be a couple hours.#especially if im so stressed about waking up on time#im not gonna get sleep. i might not even wake up in time. and then i work for 8 hours.#aaaaaaaa#why cant they just close the store. for a DAY#so we can work the NORMAL HOURS
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im going to bed
youtube
heres a song i like goodnight
#......................#.............................................#..............................................................................#thats probably enough of a buffer.#last night i dreamed i was in the hollow below the tree that my body was in. when i woke up in the morgue all i wanted to do was curl up#my bones remember i think. even if i dont. sometimes i feel a phantom emptiness on my chest#like the arrows. like the knives.#its scary. its so scary.#im just a kid#will i remember it forever? how long will it haunt me?#people die all the time. people die and come back. people die and come back and they remember but it doesnt haunt them#i was trapped in death and i think thats... its not gone. maybe it is magically but i still feel it.#all i had for so many months was the vague knowledge that i was dead and this overwhelming sense of sharp coldness#my body remembers. i remember. how does anyone forget things like this? i dont want this. i dont want to remember.#i like it under my bed. ive put pillows and blankets down here. the vent that blows in cold air is here too so it feels comfy#and maybe it reminds me of being under the tree. and i dont know why but thats something im actually okay with#my body was under something for so long. the soil was cursed but i loved those woods. i miss the woods. my body hurts.#my mom is missing a leg and sometimes she talks about phantom pains. like her leg realizes it isnt there and screams#can you feel that way about a hole in your chest and your neck. can you feel that way about a tree above you.#can you feel that way about death#maybe i should get angry. but alone. so so alone so i dont hurt anyone.#i cant prove him right. because he was wrong and everything he ever said was wrong and he sucks and i hate him#im not like him.#im like gertie and my parents.#im so tired. im so tired. i want to sleep in dirt for a few more months. maybe sort myself out somewhere dark and quiet.
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bdubs called his clock “a handcuff” in his commercial break today and i cannot get over the implications
#yes i know it was for an ad read but PLEASE#we've all been running with the idea that bdubs loves clocks. of course he does! hes the clock guy!#but he doesnt keep a clock because it makes him happy. he keeps a clock so he always knows when its night time. so he can sleep away danger.#and maybe thats a nice gesture on hermitcraft. a server where one man CAN protect his friends by sleeping#but what does that mean for the life series? you cant sleep the night away alone there. so why does he still seek out a clock.#he torments himself with it. he sees the seconds counting down and cant do anything about it.#a reminder that he is powerless and vulnerable. a handcuff indeed.#hermitcraft#bdoubleo100#bdubs#badger post#traffic smp
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its so embarassing likee. going to talk abt a feeling you have but you already know ppl will be like Oh that sounds like depression lol and its like. well yes . i know . trust me i am so aware i am depressed . but its still like a thing ive been thinking abt and wanting to talk abt but ik itll just be like Ok hun 👍. idk idk what response i would want tho ig FNFNFNF
#not anything serious i was just thinking how like. idk. this is gonna sound rly stupid#but for me personally like. sometimes. How do i phrase this without sounding rly evil#i think obv ppl can spend their money however they want but like. its kind of hard 4 me to grasp sometimes like. there r things that ppl#spend a lot of money on bc it makes them happy like umm. vacations or pets or hobbies or whathaveyou. and obviously thats fine but#i iust feel like its all so. temporary and like. idk. idt im ohrasing this right at all i just likee. the thought of working all year to#afford to take a vacation and then working again to afford another vacation just makes me feel like i want to die. like. idk... i like#vacations we dont need to go on them a lot but ig its just like. everything we do just feels like a waste of time. not in like a Ohh you#should be doing more work Obviously its just like. idk. maybe it is just me. but i feel like im just waiting until i die and can be done#with it i guess. and everything i do is just to fill time until that happens. yk ? which is silly bc of my whole. Thing i cant talk abt#but ppl talk abt like. going out and partying or going on vacation or whatever and i like. I like those things its nice when they happen#but they dont rly make me longterm any happier i guess. everything just feels like another thing im doing. idk. this rly isnt coming out the#way it is in my head. and Again i know this is just depression shit or whatever im just like. its all exhausting. it just makes me feel so#tired. to think abt working and working and working so i can pay to be alive and i can save to do one fun thing every so often to keep me#sane enough to keep working and working and working and i probably wont ever be able to retire itll just be. work. and then ill die. yk.#but i feel like the vacations and stuff dont like. refresh me very much. maybe its just bc ive only been on one 'vacation' as an adult and#it was just like. coming home to see my family. and realizing id have to move back home yk..#+ like. my mom nd my gran taking me out for a weekend when i lived up there#nd those things were nice and all but once its over its like. it doesnt fuel me to keep going it doesnt make me feel any better abt having#to work for the rest of my life#ik im being ridiculous bc im literally unemployed and i cant even get up off my ass to get my stupid fucking ged so i can get a job and be#Useful to my family its just like. idk.... i try so hard to be like Oh nothing mayters and thats why everything matters type thing like. Yes#all things end and the point is to just try to be happy until it does#but i feel like it just doesnt happen for me. i feel like any happiness i feel is so insanely like. it happens and then its gone. and its#back to just. the knowledge that im still fucking stuck here. and i will be until it happens. yk. i play video games tomoass the time until#i go back to sleep then i wake up and i make a spreadsheet to pass the time until i go back to sleep#and everyday just feels like passing the time until i go back to sleep and itll just keep going until it happens. and its nice to have nice#days but whats like. the point. yk. everything just ends#IDK. this is all very whiny im sry. ive just been feeling it a lot lately . i hope this doesnt feel like me being like Ohhh you ppl r so#dumb participating in hobbies and going out and having fun dont you know yr gonna DIE? thats not what im trying to be like#its just like. i feel like it doesnt make me as happy as it does other ppl like. none of it refreshes me or makes me want to keep going
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why do fire alarm batteries
ONLY
ever need replacing when you are dead fucking asleep
did i enrage god? does she hate me now as i too hate this creation of ours? when will she replace MY batteries
#THEYRE ALWAYS CONVOLUTED AS SHIT TOO 'oh 1 beep this 3 beeps this its plugged into the wAll but also has batteries and you can press this#'button to make it stop beeping for a min but only MAYBE cos it might also just make it start shrieking or speaking in a very loud voice#how do you *get to* the batteries you ask? it would make perfect sense if you were awake but theyre only going to go off middle of sleeping#so!! who knows. this says you need to insert a pin for batteries but theres a label over it but the label has a handy little dot printed#where the tunnel for said pin is under so u can just push through the label ig. but where tf do i get a pin-#*remembers i have actual like pushpins. is unsure if thatll be long enough but all i can think of without further bothering either roommate#*they are not long enough*#*digs into closet trying to be quiet to get to my sewing box for a needle cos thats the Only thing i can think of that might work and#that i know definitely where it is* needle fits but fits....loosely-#*reexamines the beep machine* the pin. for some reason. is supposed to be inserted to LOCK the battery tray so it doesnt open#why you need to Lock a battery tray with a little stick on a device that is already going to be up on the ceiling or top of a wall idk#but in my soggy state i became jared 19 and could no longer read#anyway the reason i hadnt been able to just pull the tray out was because fool that i am i tried to just pull it..yknow....out? but#its a fuckin swivel out to the side thiing#AND WHEN I FINALLY GOT IT OPEN YALL. YALL. MOST RIDICULOUS SIZED FUCKING BATTERY THAT WE DO NOT HAVE. SO WE CANT REPLACE IT RN.#istg istG#THERES NO REASON THAT THESE THINGS CANT BE MORE UNIVERSALLY SIZED#BATTERIES WALL PLUGS PHONE AND LAPTOP CHARGERS AND PORTS#CONSISTENCY *ESPECIALLY* ESPECAILY ESPECIALLY FOR SHIT THAT IS IMPORTANT AND CAN BE LIFE SAVING LIKE THIS#WHY ARE THERE SO MANY STUPID DIFFERENCES FOR NO REASON oh good the devils lettuce has hit me praise be thank fuck#SMOKE DETECTOR<<<<thats what theyre called i rememebered ik it was smth different#anyways#just me#smoke detector#no muscle memory this ones not goin in queue jail for 2 months it is free
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hahaaa our sister says we need to tell the parents about. school. at some point.
#[three of swords]#we're gonna be kicked outta the housseeeee~#no we aren't. stop catastrophizing.#no hes got a point this is a legitimate threat theyve made. amongst worse things.#shut up that's not helping.#we need to find a job first so they're not too angry at us. as long as we're being productive we're still of worth in their eyes.#we know that not how its supposed to be but thats how it is for them. if we secure a job and then tell them maybe they'll be less mad.#but we're not qualified for a lot of these jobs... maybe we can work at this cafe if they let us if we're even able..#god what do we even tell them. we've been lying for weeks.#i dont know why we can't just keep lying for the rest of the semester :/ its not a bad lie if it keeps us safe#BECAUSE THEYRE PAYING FOR IT THEY'LL KNOW SOMETHING'S UP FINANCIALLY!! WE CANT KEEP THIS SHIT UP FOR MONTHS#ohhh we are so scared we are so scared WE ARE SO FUCKING SCARED!!! 🙃#It only gets worse the longer you wait.#we kNOW WE KNOW BUT WE CAN'T#hhhhhh#FUCK!! I HATE LIVING HERE!! WE'RE NOT TELLING THEM RIGHT NOW SO STOP THINKING ABOUT IT!!#how much can our body cry jesus we need to fuckinh... oh sleep i guess i dont know anymore
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THEY DID THE METACRISIS AGAIN.
AND THIS TIME HE'S NOT EVEN SAFELY CONTAINED IN HIS OWN UNIVERSE!
AND THEY MADE THE FIRST BLACK DOCTOR PLAY SECOND FIDDLE TO A WHITE ONE AND
OH MY GOD TAKE THAT BOYS TARDIS AWAY FROM HIM GODDAMIT I WANT TO WATCH HIM
DIE
#tragedy enjoyers we are *not* winning#maybe its the oversaturation of david tennant in the media#maybe its his unjustified return to doctor who#maybe its just because im sick of the fandom obssession with 10 to the neglect of all other doctors#or maybe its just because i hate obvious nostalgia bate and the bcc's obvious cowardice retreating back to rtd rather than try something new#but man i was looking forward to watching 14 kick it only to be ROBBED#tbc i dont have anything against tennant personally im just tired of seeing him everywhere#like does he sleep? does he eat? does he spend time with his family? idk#also really disappointed that they made Ncuti play second-fiddle to an old white doctor. like cmon thats so cowardly. fuck you.#and i wouldnt hate the whole '14 stays on earth with donna' thing IF THEY HADNT DONE THAT BEFORE WITH ROSE#AND IF THEY HAD CLARIFIED THEY HE CANT REGENERATE#AND TAKEN THE TARDIS AWAY#AND ACTUALLY EXPLAINED WHY THE FACE CAME BACK LIKE GIRL THE TRAUMA RECOURSE WAS RIGHT THERE#It's just. its always fucking tennant that gets the special treatment isnt it? every other doctor has to cease#but he gets out of jail free#(also if it was about finding family again and taking a break. Susan Is Literally Chilling One Century Away)#on the positive side i did like the toymaker. he was severely wasted but i liked him he was fun#i really enjoyed the dance sequence it served like no purpose but it was a lot of fun#also the soundtrack. i like ominous 'la la la la' noise. they better release it soon.#anyway rant over#doctor who
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No one:
Me: so funny how the origins of many of my tags were very random and have ended up sticking and also influencing the tags i made afterwards-
#i am continuing in the tags lmao. this is basically me just wanting to explain why i have named my tags what ive named them. probably wont#remember all but i shall do a few#anyways the 'le' in front of everything is random. when i was young id just add 'le' in front of words randomly and i wanted to have tags#*i wanted >personal< tags that were basically the same as what thet would generically be called but with something added so that it wouldnt#come up for just anyone who searched up certain tags (like personal text posts and selfie tags etc) and so 'le ____' was born#it was only for a couple things and then as time went on i just liked having my tags matching and so added it to other things#my fanart tag is 'fabart' purely because i mispelled it the first time i tried to tag 'fanart' and then kept it because i thought it was#funny cute and i liked that 'fab' kinda sounded like i was saying 'fabulous art' which is indeed what fanart is lmao#for 1d 'the boys' was pretty simple. think i along with every other stan just referred to them as that and so thats why i chose that#and then when they broke up and i was tagging ot4 i chose 'the boyz' because even though its only the 4 of them i wanted zayn still involve#somehow 😭😭😭 so adding a z to their tag it was lmao#thats all the tags i can think of for now but if i ever think of more I'll maybe rb this who knows#anyways thats enough rambling because i cant sleep from me xD#le text post#stop. i just remembered i used to have a tag for pics of harry styles when he had long hair -long hair dont care- i actually miss my 2d days#nEways im sure i have more like that but the fact i cant remember all of them drives me up the wall fhdhfh hopefully more will come 2 me
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i feel the amount of information i take in in a day via watching youtube videos and scrolling through twitter is bad for my brain
#maybe thats why i overthink at night and cant sleep#ive been drinking chamomile tea to help me sleep since a lot of other methods dont work anymore
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