#maybe thats why i cant sleep
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I can't wait to leave this place.
#my rants#i hate it here#maybe thats why i cant sleep#actually bpd#actually mentally ill#bpd problems#bpd shit#bpd splitting#bpd struggles#bpd stuff#bpd thoughts#bpd vent#bpd rage#bpd relatable#bpd rant#borderline problems#borderline pd#borderline girl#borderline blog#borderline personality disorder#actually borderline#this is a girlblog#girlblogging#bpd girl#girl blogger
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i was thinking.... and ik i shouldn't make this an obligation, i'm supposed to have fun here, but i can't help but think i could be better... like a better writer yk. i feel like i could do so much more and the fact that i constantly have writer's block is not helping at all, if anything, just fuels my frustration. anyways, my apologies to y'all my lola lovers 😞
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I get mad at dad bc of our past... but. Mom and i were arguing about trump (she is voting for him bc he's Republican but doesn't like him as a person) and bc lots of ppl around me are like this (some really pro trump ppl also) sometimes i think im the crazy one. Being in isolation and just seeing things from the internet... i cant always trust my own mind
But then dad comes up and says "trump is off his rocker" and I'm like i forgive you for everything thank you for taking my side and showing I'm not the only one around who isnt trumpcrazy
#us#election#:(#:)#im so dead#i feel so tired#i havent been sleeping and the sleeping pill makes me feel awful#going to a weekend w my sister who i love who is trump voter and her husband hoards guns#maybe thats why i cant sleep#trying to get off sleeping pills but maybe not til after election :(#or maybe im doomed#i think worst case scenario#there r other things like this w dad#ill resent him for a while then he will say sth nice about my story#or be the only one to give $to Ukraine on my fb fundraiser#dad has had depression and i resent him for this and hurting me emotionally an d making me like him#but he isnt that bad....#he is a good person really and he's taking care of my cats this weekend#i have ro realize we are all ppl all w flaws and good things#but plz dont killl me for not voting like u#thats not America#we arent that desperate... we arent being killed or tortured in any way#americans are so self centered a lot of times#i have a global perspective vs most it seems#maybe im the sane one bc i have sensitivity to things and empathy#thats also why i cant cope and why the world kills me and why i cant make a difference
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made the mistake of reading comics at the start of the week now i have to just let doodle ideas marinate for five days and act like im not gonna think about them for the next 120 hours
#snap chats#drawing is how i 'talk' and share my thoughts thats why i explode when i cant draw JVELAKEA#this SUCKS BALLS let me draw my old men NOW#i finally read my new mutant issues and First Off. i must get the next one(s)#the set i got doesnt have the fulllll. arc. and i must know how it concludes#for my sanity ill read it online first and maybe for my birthday ill get the rest of it <- thats like two months away#BUT ANYWAY NOOOOOOOOO I JUST WANNA DRAW ERIK //throws glass at wall//#id say i have to stop reading comics until i draw everything i want to but then id never pick up another comic#thats hyperbolic but i DO have a lot i want to draw already .... and now ive added significantly more to my list ....#i should sleep. it would be wise to sleep now no. good night everyone !!!!!!!!!!!!
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maybe my ex shrink thinking i might be bipolar was right. or "early signs" as they put it idk she was also stupid and convinced i was addicted to adderall lmao
#tw drugs#idk maybe ill talk to my doctor about it but like wtf they gunna do?#tell me to go to therapy lmao#i hate psychiatry ):#ik diagnosis is like made up but the autism wants labels lmao#its like i have shorter more mild mania (mania not hypomania because i guess psychotic features are too scary for that) and depression and#mixed states so idk#maybe its cyclothymia?#maybe im imagining it maybe its all shit because it is. why should psychotic features suddenly mean it's a totally different thing? and why#those specific day cut offs and symptoms#and doctors don't even use criterias really#its all stupid#its all vibes based lmao#thats why my annoying fucking shrink was absolutely convinced i was “popping somebody elses adderall”#cause i cant sleep and i look it
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I adore reading your rambling tags, don't stop posting things there 😩
Don't you worry. I think I might be incapable of stopping idk what happened I never used to tag ramble
#asks#anon#i do really love talking. clearly LOL#but ive also been working on listening the past few years#and thays pretty cool too#i had to learn how to think before i speak. like legitimately im not hearing the words I say#im thinking about my next sentence while i say the current one#its exhausting and i never remember what I've said HWJJJSDJEJ#but people tell me im direct and deliberate and clear so idk...#but listening is also really hard...#conversation in general is really hard#i stll love it of course#its just very tiring for me#which is PART of why I like to do this when i cant sleep cause of nightmares or whatever#tires me out haha and also is a great distraction#and is good practice! for me#so idk i just like it. and its nice to know its not annoying#i wouldn't post hardly any words at all without the safety of the tags#they're not rebloggable so thats a relief#you have to opt in to read them#the space is limited. etc etc#so. im glad it is wn option and im glad its a welcome one!#no intention to stop#thank you for the reassurance on it#delete later#maybe. I'm so tired i need to check later to see if i wnt to delete it#anxiety meds working yay i can sleep bye
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I'm so fucked
#ramblings with major#cursing#trying to fix my sleep schedule so i can be on time at work when i have to show up ~6 hours before the store opens#meaning at least 6 hours before i usually get up on early days#and im still struggling to wake up#it doesnt help that i close the night before and if i were to pass out the moment i get home and wake up with Maybe enough time to get ready#id still only get 7 hours of sleep. so with dinner. showering. getting ready for bed. thats at least two hours lost.#and then whether or not i actually fall asleep once my head hits the pillow. well that could be a couple hours.#especially if im so stressed about waking up on time#im not gonna get sleep. i might not even wake up in time. and then i work for 8 hours.#aaaaaaaa#why cant they just close the store. for a DAY#so we can work the NORMAL HOURS
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feel like im getting stabbed in the chest every time i think about him. is this even what love is supposed to feel like
#... servant's song ♪#🍊 ☆ beloved .ᐟ#i love him i do. i grieve him the same way i grieve my father if not more so. but. i dont. thisbis fucking weird#i want my memories wiped. i want everything about kamukura gone because maybe then i could just let myself be happy#why cant i just let myself be loved. why cant i love him normally. why do i have to feel a little bit of fear with every muttered i love you#am i doomed? is there no way out of here? what do i even do with myself. i want out. i want to see him again but im scared of how i'll react#does he hate the person ive become‚ now that i've remembered it all? now that it's come into clarity?#if he saw me now would he even recognize me? im scared#i just want to be able to look him in the eye and say i love you without any fear. and for him to believe it.#im scared he wont be able to trust my love and my devotion because of what kamukura did to me#that itll be seen as coerced. or that i feel like i have to just to gain his sympathy. when thats not true#i love him. so much. i wish i could show that. i wish i could watch him sleep and feel at peace. i wish i could care for him while he's sick#i wish i could do so much for him without anything in return. i dont want it to be reciprocal#i want him to love me i want him to be near me but i also wouldnt want him to love me because he feels he has to#i just. i dont know what i want!#im scared im so scared i just want to go home. is anyone even still reading this? i hope not it's kinda embarassing#im not masking enough im not being fun. i hope i don't bore hinata when im not putting on a show#urhrvhrhvghhgh thats enough whining from me i should go to bed. maybe. i want to find my plushie of him but i dont know where it is
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im going to bed
youtube
heres a song i like goodnight
#......................#.............................................#..............................................................................#thats probably enough of a buffer.#last night i dreamed i was in the hollow below the tree that my body was in. when i woke up in the morgue all i wanted to do was curl up#my bones remember i think. even if i dont. sometimes i feel a phantom emptiness on my chest#like the arrows. like the knives.#its scary. its so scary.#im just a kid#will i remember it forever? how long will it haunt me?#people die all the time. people die and come back. people die and come back and they remember but it doesnt haunt them#i was trapped in death and i think thats... its not gone. maybe it is magically but i still feel it.#all i had for so many months was the vague knowledge that i was dead and this overwhelming sense of sharp coldness#my body remembers. i remember. how does anyone forget things like this? i dont want this. i dont want to remember.#i like it under my bed. ive put pillows and blankets down here. the vent that blows in cold air is here too so it feels comfy#and maybe it reminds me of being under the tree. and i dont know why but thats something im actually okay with#my body was under something for so long. the soil was cursed but i loved those woods. i miss the woods. my body hurts.#my mom is missing a leg and sometimes she talks about phantom pains. like her leg realizes it isnt there and screams#can you feel that way about a hole in your chest and your neck. can you feel that way about a tree above you.#can you feel that way about death#maybe i should get angry. but alone. so so alone so i dont hurt anyone.#i cant prove him right. because he was wrong and everything he ever said was wrong and he sucks and i hate him#im not like him.#im like gertie and my parents.#im so tired. im so tired. i want to sleep in dirt for a few more months. maybe sort myself out somewhere dark and quiet.
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man having a south facing window in winter on a sunny day i can kinda just. open a window and it only feels like the ac is on. its 28 degrees out.
#the sun is sew freekennnn hawt no one tells u this tho.#'specially not climate scientists. like. all the time.#ik its winter bc this time of year i wake up early bc my room gets hot as fuck and i cant even sleep in there when its like that its so bad#literally forced to wake up early lmao. maybe thats why my mental health is usually better in winter >_>
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bdubs called his clock “a handcuff” in his commercial break today and i cannot get over the implications
#yes i know it was for an ad read but PLEASE#we've all been running with the idea that bdubs loves clocks. of course he does! hes the clock guy!#but he doesnt keep a clock because it makes him happy. he keeps a clock so he always knows when its night time. so he can sleep away danger.#and maybe thats a nice gesture on hermitcraft. a server where one man CAN protect his friends by sleeping#but what does that mean for the life series? you cant sleep the night away alone there. so why does he still seek out a clock.#he torments himself with it. he sees the seconds counting down and cant do anything about it.#a reminder that he is powerless and vulnerable. a handcuff indeed.#hermitcraft#bdoubleo100#bdubs#badger post#traffic smp
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its so embarassing likee. going to talk abt a feeling you have but you already know ppl will be like Oh that sounds like depression lol and its like. well yes . i know . trust me i am so aware i am depressed . but its still like a thing ive been thinking abt and wanting to talk abt but ik itll just be like Ok hun 👍. idk idk what response i would want tho ig FNFNFNF
#not anything serious i was just thinking how like. idk. this is gonna sound rly stupid#but for me personally like. sometimes. How do i phrase this without sounding rly evil#i think obv ppl can spend their money however they want but like. its kind of hard 4 me to grasp sometimes like. there r things that ppl#spend a lot of money on bc it makes them happy like umm. vacations or pets or hobbies or whathaveyou. and obviously thats fine but#i iust feel like its all so. temporary and like. idk. idt im ohrasing this right at all i just likee. the thought of working all year to#afford to take a vacation and then working again to afford another vacation just makes me feel like i want to die. like. idk... i like#vacations we dont need to go on them a lot but ig its just like. everything we do just feels like a waste of time. not in like a Ohh you#should be doing more work Obviously its just like. idk. maybe it is just me. but i feel like im just waiting until i die and can be done#with it i guess. and everything i do is just to fill time until that happens. yk ? which is silly bc of my whole. Thing i cant talk abt#but ppl talk abt like. going out and partying or going on vacation or whatever and i like. I like those things its nice when they happen#but they dont rly make me longterm any happier i guess. everything just feels like another thing im doing. idk. this rly isnt coming out the#way it is in my head. and Again i know this is just depression shit or whatever im just like. its all exhausting. it just makes me feel so#tired. to think abt working and working and working so i can pay to be alive and i can save to do one fun thing every so often to keep me#sane enough to keep working and working and working and i probably wont ever be able to retire itll just be. work. and then ill die. yk.#but i feel like the vacations and stuff dont like. refresh me very much. maybe its just bc ive only been on one 'vacation' as an adult and#it was just like. coming home to see my family. and realizing id have to move back home yk..#+ like. my mom nd my gran taking me out for a weekend when i lived up there#nd those things were nice and all but once its over its like. it doesnt fuel me to keep going it doesnt make me feel any better abt having#to work for the rest of my life#ik im being ridiculous bc im literally unemployed and i cant even get up off my ass to get my stupid fucking ged so i can get a job and be#Useful to my family its just like. idk.... i try so hard to be like Oh nothing mayters and thats why everything matters type thing like. Yes#all things end and the point is to just try to be happy until it does#but i feel like it just doesnt happen for me. i feel like any happiness i feel is so insanely like. it happens and then its gone. and its#back to just. the knowledge that im still fucking stuck here. and i will be until it happens. yk. i play video games tomoass the time until#i go back to sleep then i wake up and i make a spreadsheet to pass the time until i go back to sleep#and everyday just feels like passing the time until i go back to sleep and itll just keep going until it happens. and its nice to have nice#days but whats like. the point. yk. everything just ends#IDK. this is all very whiny im sry. ive just been feeling it a lot lately . i hope this doesnt feel like me being like Ohhh you ppl r so#dumb participating in hobbies and going out and having fun dont you know yr gonna DIE? thats not what im trying to be like#its just like. i feel like it doesnt make me as happy as it does other ppl like. none of it refreshes me or makes me want to keep going
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hahaaa our sister says we need to tell the parents about. school. at some point.
#[three of swords]#we're gonna be kicked outta the housseeeee~#no we aren't. stop catastrophizing.#no hes got a point this is a legitimate threat theyve made. amongst worse things.#shut up that's not helping.#we need to find a job first so they're not too angry at us. as long as we're being productive we're still of worth in their eyes.#we know that not how its supposed to be but thats how it is for them. if we secure a job and then tell them maybe they'll be less mad.#but we're not qualified for a lot of these jobs... maybe we can work at this cafe if they let us if we're even able..#god what do we even tell them. we've been lying for weeks.#i dont know why we can't just keep lying for the rest of the semester :/ its not a bad lie if it keeps us safe#BECAUSE THEYRE PAYING FOR IT THEY'LL KNOW SOMETHING'S UP FINANCIALLY!! WE CANT KEEP THIS SHIT UP FOR MONTHS#ohhh we are so scared we are so scared WE ARE SO FUCKING SCARED!!! 🙃#It only gets worse the longer you wait.#we kNOW WE KNOW BUT WE CAN'T#hhhhhh#FUCK!! I HATE LIVING HERE!! WE'RE NOT TELLING THEM RIGHT NOW SO STOP THINKING ABOUT IT!!#how much can our body cry jesus we need to fuckinh... oh sleep i guess i dont know anymore
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...
#im just trying to find the right words to describe a feeling. its obsessive. its like a tumor expanding in my head. impossible to ignore#its not fun. i cant seem to disengage. i dont kno why im doing it. i just need to make this thing exist. and for what? what will be#accomplished except that i can move on with my life? its so frustrating#i dunno its just this weird internal thing. a switch gets flipped and suddenly i csnt stop being obsessed with something#and this is y my mum is like yea 100% autism. plus im asocial and weird but its like. i always hear that people have special interests and#that they like routine. and maybe i just have a wretched combo of autism and 0cd so im prone to obsession in a way that hurts me. it feels#bad. i love things so much i want to tear open my skull and strangle my brain into silence. just stop. pls. im not having fun anymore#i like routine to the point of nausea snd no sleep. i love it so much ill make the world slip sideways and spin out of control bc im in#control and im bored and i crave chaos. i just need to disengage. i just wish i had a word for this. well. its probably purely obsessional#0cd. but like a word that better describes how it feels. a code shorthand. ugh. its like when my sister got her hair caught in a little fan#it pulled tight to her head and shut off but she couldnt pull away. that probably doesn't make sense but thats how it feels#like someone's got me by the hair so i cant pull away. ugh. i think i just need the semester to start and i need to get a gym membership#ugh. fuck that just make the weather less terrible#i dunno. its fine. like my mood is ok. im not dying. just too much pressure in my head#unrelated
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THEY DID THE METACRISIS AGAIN.
AND THIS TIME HE'S NOT EVEN SAFELY CONTAINED IN HIS OWN UNIVERSE!
AND THEY MADE THE FIRST BLACK DOCTOR PLAY SECOND FIDDLE TO A WHITE ONE AND
OH MY GOD TAKE THAT BOYS TARDIS AWAY FROM HIM GODDAMIT I WANT TO WATCH HIM
DIE
#tragedy enjoyers we are *not* winning#maybe its the oversaturation of david tennant in the media#maybe its his unjustified return to doctor who#maybe its just because im sick of the fandom obssession with 10 to the neglect of all other doctors#or maybe its just because i hate obvious nostalgia bate and the bcc's obvious cowardice retreating back to rtd rather than try something new#but man i was looking forward to watching 14 kick it only to be ROBBED#tbc i dont have anything against tennant personally im just tired of seeing him everywhere#like does he sleep? does he eat? does he spend time with his family? idk#also really disappointed that they made Ncuti play second-fiddle to an old white doctor. like cmon thats so cowardly. fuck you.#and i wouldnt hate the whole '14 stays on earth with donna' thing IF THEY HADNT DONE THAT BEFORE WITH ROSE#AND IF THEY HAD CLARIFIED THEY HE CANT REGENERATE#AND TAKEN THE TARDIS AWAY#AND ACTUALLY EXPLAINED WHY THE FACE CAME BACK LIKE GIRL THE TRAUMA RECOURSE WAS RIGHT THERE#It's just. its always fucking tennant that gets the special treatment isnt it? every other doctor has to cease#but he gets out of jail free#(also if it was about finding family again and taking a break. Susan Is Literally Chilling One Century Away)#on the positive side i did like the toymaker. he was severely wasted but i liked him he was fun#i really enjoyed the dance sequence it served like no purpose but it was a lot of fun#also the soundtrack. i like ominous 'la la la la' noise. they better release it soon.#anyway rant over#doctor who
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No one:
Me: so funny how the origins of many of my tags were very random and have ended up sticking and also influencing the tags i made afterwards-
#i am continuing in the tags lmao. this is basically me just wanting to explain why i have named my tags what ive named them. probably wont#remember all but i shall do a few#anyways the 'le' in front of everything is random. when i was young id just add 'le' in front of words randomly and i wanted to have tags#*i wanted >personal< tags that were basically the same as what thet would generically be called but with something added so that it wouldnt#come up for just anyone who searched up certain tags (like personal text posts and selfie tags etc) and so 'le ____' was born#it was only for a couple things and then as time went on i just liked having my tags matching and so added it to other things#my fanart tag is 'fabart' purely because i mispelled it the first time i tried to tag 'fanart' and then kept it because i thought it was#funny cute and i liked that 'fab' kinda sounded like i was saying 'fabulous art' which is indeed what fanart is lmao#for 1d 'the boys' was pretty simple. think i along with every other stan just referred to them as that and so thats why i chose that#and then when they broke up and i was tagging ot4 i chose 'the boyz' because even though its only the 4 of them i wanted zayn still involve#somehow 😭😭😭 so adding a z to their tag it was lmao#thats all the tags i can think of for now but if i ever think of more I'll maybe rb this who knows#anyways thats enough rambling because i cant sleep from me xD#le text post#stop. i just remembered i used to have a tag for pics of harry styles when he had long hair -long hair dont care- i actually miss my 2d days#nEways im sure i have more like that but the fact i cant remember all of them drives me up the wall fhdhfh hopefully more will come 2 me
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